, notes that women
will often get hooked back into a relationship when they see a shred of
hope.1 So hungry for a positive sign, they naively believe things will be fine
when that is not the case.Janene had that naive hope. She needed to think long and hard about her
situation. Her situation was layered with emotion, doubts, and fears. What
she needed was professional counsel and the wise support of friends. Unfortunately , when it comes to love, the consoling and counseling
from friends and family is often  simplistic and unreasonable. Some friends
don’t want to get involved. All are opinionated, which often stops them
from listening well and simply offering support. Most don’t really
understand the addictive nature of toxic, troubled love. Seeking wise counsel is critical . Scripture tells us, “Where there is no
guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory”
(Proverbs 11:14 NASB ). Knowing who to listen to will not be an easy task. Janene needed clear instruction from a professional who knows about
narcissism and emotional abuse . Even then, she must discern whether that
counsel reflects her feelings and a thorough understanding of narcissism
and emotional abuse. Janene faced a mountain of questions. Why did she fall for a man who
made her head spin? Why was she willing to get back on the roller coaster? We methodically  looked at her history for explanations. We sought answers
to quest ions about her vulnerability to a narcissistic man. Here ’s what her
history showed. Three years ago, Janene went through a painful, embittered divorce. The
protracted proce edings left her wounded and afraid, scarred and scared. She
now shares custody of her children with her ex, but she fears he may take
her back to court anytime she does something he doesn’ t like. She is
tiptoeing through life. “It was ugly,” she said, referencing her first marriage. “My husband
drank a lot. Even though he lost his job and had a history of lying to me, the
church wanted me to hang in there and pray for him to sober up. He never
did, and I just couldn’ t take it. The divorce was messy , and I lost a lot of
friends and even my church. It was terrible. I feel so guilty . I wonder if that
is why I don’ t want to give up. “I hadn’t dated for a couple of years,” Janene continued though tfully . “I
knew I needed time to heal. Then I met Brian, and I was attracted to him
immediately . And when he showed interest in me, it was an incredible
feeling.”Now Janene felt ashamed, a common feeling of those falling for
someone who turns out to be emotionally abusive. As we talked, Janene
shared how she was taken in by his charm and delighted by both his success
and admiration of her. It was easy to see how she could lose her emotional
footing. Once you fall, it’s very easy to move faster than you intended. The
experience is a lot like high school love and every bit as emotionally
intoxicating. She missed being cared about. She missed love. Now What? Janene jumped into a relationship without fully exploring the danger
signs. She was vulnerable and settled before thoroughly examining her
situation. She allowed her heart to be overwhelmed by his affection and
attention. But is it really that simple? Let’s step back and explore what might have
been happening inside her . Janene had been seriously wounded from her divorce and years of
trying to get her husband to choose her instead of alcohol. She left her
marriage feeling fragile, broke n, and terribly vulnerable, and she still
wonders if she tried hard enough to save their marriage. Many of us have had that profound feeling of being rejected. It is a
terrible blow to the brain. Nearly all of us have been dumped by someone
we love, and just as many of us have dumped someone who loved us. Yet
we fight for love, yearn for love, pine for love. We write songs and poems
and stories about love. We create mesmerizing films about love. For as
complex as love is, for as many wounds as are created by it, we still yearn
to be loved. We cling to love even when it involves a narcissist or
emotionally abusive man. Love is complex and is wired into our DNA. Perhaps the greatest treatise given on love is the love chapter in the
Bible, which reads in part, “Love never fails. But where there are
prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled;
where there is knowledge, it will pass away…And now these three remain:
faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians
13:8,13). Indeed, we were made for love, and it is the greatest. We have been
relational since the beginning of time, and so it should not surprise us thatJanene went against her best judgment and fell for Brian after such a short
time. Love is intoxicating, life-g iving, and so enjoyable. If we could bottle
and sell it, we would be infinitely wealthy . The Brain in Love
What does Janene’s story teach us about love in general and emotional
abuse in particular? So far you’ve learned that “the brain on love” is not
necessarily healthy or rational. Romantic love is one of the most powerful
sensations on earth. That obsession gets worse for those who have been
rejected—that’ s 95 percent of us. But what exactl y happens to your brain when you meet this man who
seems too good to be true? Why  are you smitten and nearly unable to think
straight? Do you remember the ad where a guy fries an egg and then states,
“This is your brain on drugs”? As it turns out, researchers have now
concluded “the effects of love on the brain are strikingly similar to the
effects of drugs on it.”2
Robert Weiss, in his article “This Is Your Brain on Love,” writes that
magnetic resonance imaging technology has discovered that…
• “Intense romantic love activates the striatum…a region of the brain
that is often referred to as the pleasure center .”
• “Romantic love also activates the insula, a region of the brain that
assigns value to pleasurable and life-sustaining activities.”3
Limerence—the short-term glue that keeps couples togeth er long
enough for long-term love to take place—depends on the blood flow to
these areas of the brain. Weiss cites other research that indicates the parts of the brain impacted
by love are also the parts most heavily affected by addictive drugs. Yes, it
turns out that limerence and love have much in common with cocaine and
heroin. Lasting love and addictive substances have similar neurochemical
underpinnings. This may help you understand  why people in love—you, perhaps—
often appear obsessed and addicted, especially in the early stages of a newromance.4 You were expe riencing a neurochemical rush (a high) that made
you want to stay in a relationship that may not have been good  for you. It
explains why some, such as Janene, fell fast and hard for someone who was
ultimately not healthy for her . More on Falling in Love
In my work with thousands of couples struggling with emotional abuse,
the issue of falling in love has almost always been central. I’ve witnessed
many people who, despite their best intentions, make poor choices again
and again. In one of the most profound books I’ve ever read, The Road Less
Traveled , Scott Peck has much to say about falling in love. Of all the misc onceptions about love the most powerful and
pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least is
one of the mani festations of love. It is a potent misconception ,
because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very
powerful fashion as an experience of love.5
Peck notes that falling in love is almost always an act of regression. We
are quite literally out of our minds. We feel a temporary sense of
omnipotence. All problems can be overcome during this heady experience. But this intoxica tion fades, and the couple must get on with the work of real
loving. It is here that you wake up and begin to notice the danger signs. It is
here that you feel that anxious  pit in your stomach that maybe you have
made a mistake. Your body records the emotionally abusive actions that are
sometimes noticeable, sometimes not. Peck helps us make more sense out of this experience. He notes that
falling in love is not an act of the will or conscious choice. He notes that we
may fall in love with someone not suited for us. We are as likely to fall in love with someone with whom we are
obviously ill-ma tched as with someone more suitable…W e canchoose how to respond to the experience of falling in love, but
we cannot choose the experience itself.6
In those thousan ds of couples I’ve worked with, nearly every person fell
fast and hard for their mate. They loved being in love and wanted to
perpetuate that feeling at all costs. Like the addict seeking drugs, many of
the individuals sought to mainta in the relationship even though in retrospect
they remember seeing warning signs. Love Bombing
You’ve learned about you in love and how vulnerabilities set us up to
make poor choices. Let’s shift now to the narcissist. What is he up to? What
is his part in you falling in love again? There’ s a good chance you’ve been
the victim of love bombing . Reflect back to the early days of love. Something probably happened
that should have set off a red flare. Janene was swept off her feet by love
bombing—being showered with praise and gifts and adoration. Remember
that she was vulnerable, having been hurt deeply in her marriage and
subsequent divorce. She meets Brian, who knows how to treat a woman. He tells her she is
the best thing that has ever happened to him, and she is totally unlike
anything he’s ever experienced before. He studies her and reflects what she
wants to see and hear. He watches her closely , always noting what she is
looking for, which feels very flattering. He is a perfect chameleon, able to
mimic her emotions and blend into her desires. When love bombing, the narcissist appears teachable, humble, hungry
to know you, and fascinated by you. He may be very spiritual and able to
use that languag e. He continually speaks of how special you are and how
different you are from anyone else he’s known. He’s lavish and poetic and
flattering. His whole world is about studying you. Later , however , he will
use all he’ s learned to control you. Now , to be fair, I’m not suggest ing that every man is a narcissist or that
every narcissist wakes up in the morning and sets out to conquer a woman. Many believe all narcissists are diabolical and vile, seeking to manipulate
and overwhelm  women. Yet I have found many are actual ly genuine,although often shallow in both intentions and attentions. They may truly
care for you and feel swept off their feet. They may have no conscious
ulterior motives, and only time reveals their true character . To be found irresistible is irresistible, and the narcissist knows this! It is
nearly impossible to resist love bombing, as Brittany Wong warns us in her
article “9 Signs Y ou’re in Love with a Narcissist.”
Narcissists are very, very good  at turning on the charm when
they first meet you. As far as they’re concerned, you’ve got the
looks of a young Elizabeth Taylor and the wit of a thousand Tina
Feys. But don’t get used to those compliments or the pricey
dinners they treat you to—it’ s not likely to last…That behavio r
is called  love bombing, but with a narcissist, the smothering ,
razzle-dazzle display has nothing to do with you. You merely
supply whatever the narcissist wants at the time (sex, money ,
status, youth). Once he or she has you, the “love” you feel will
morph into control and denigration.7
Think about it. Who can resist being adored, told they are wonderful,
incredible? Who can push away from receiving lavish gifts? We are all
susceptible to admiration, and many narcissists have a keen sense of who is
more vulnerable than another and likely to be susceptible to these gestures. Vulnerability and Love
In a perfect world, we would be secure, clear about our identity , and
able to recognize the narcissist’ s lavish attention for the shallowness that it
is. We would feel emotionally strong, spiritually protected, and balanced in
our judgment. W e would not be so vulnerable to the narcissist. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world of insecurity
and sometimes abject fear. We have a history of wounds, trigger ed again by
rejection. Even though we guard  these vulnerable aspects of our personality ,
we can do only so much to remain safe. We are a mosaic of parts: part secure and clear , part confused and
uncertain, part downright fright ened. We all have a history , and for manyvictims of narcissistic and emotional abuse, that history includes being
significantly wounded. This creates vulnerability that you must come to
understand and do your utmost to heal. Vanessa, anothe r client, is a perfect reflection of this mosaic. She called
me one evening in a panic after she and her boyfriend split up. She and I
had been working together for a couple of years. Vanessa owns an accounting business and conducts herself with strength
and courage in her profession al life. But in her personal life she feels
embarrassed and ashamed that she has allowed herself to be mistreated. She
has not even confided in her closest friends about her problems. “Brad got mad over something trivial and broke up with me again,” she
said. “I’m so sick of this,” she cried. “I’m better than all of this drama, but
for some reason I keep allowin g him to leave when he gets mad and then
return when he’s over it. When he’s over it he wants to prete nd nothing
happened, and I just go along with it. “The cycle is always the same,” she continued. “He breaks up with me
and stays away for days. He’s even hooked up with other women. Then
when he’s done being upset, he comes back to me very loving and showers
me with attention. So I forget about feeling hurt and fall for him all over
again. It doesn’ t seem to take long before he’s back to being his angry self
again. By then I’m hooked and don’t have the courage to talk about the
fight or his behavior . It’s all crazy .”
Over the next few sessions we began exploring Vanessa’ s history ,
paying special attention to her personality traits of both strength and
vulnerability . We discussed the cycles of behavior she was beginning to
recognize and how to use that information to her advantage. Love and Emotional Abuse
Vulnerability is a key issue when learning about love and emotional
abuse. Narcissis ts cannot be narcissistic if they don’t have someone to
manipulate. They are adept at finding a vulnerable woman in the crowd. This is in no way said to cast any blame or shame on you. Rather , this book
has been written to empower and strengthen you. I am often asked  by victims of emotional abuse, “If he really loved me,
how could he do what he is doing to me?” A variation of this question is,“Does he really love me?”
These are powerful questions asked by women who have suffered from
narcissistic victim’s syndrome and emotional abuse. I do not use the word
“suffer” lightly , as I’ve seen women who have been suicida l or whose
physical health has been compromised from being mistreated
psychologically by their mate. What is going on here? How can love and abuse be part of the same
relationship? Think about the love of a six-year -old. A narcissist’ s love is immature,
able to love but not love well. A six-year -old certainly has the capacity to
care for others, but their caring  is phenomenally self-absorbed . They care
about what you can do for them, not what they can do for you. They
become easily frustrated when not getting what they believe they deserve. They demand their way, lose their temper , and act out. They have little
capacity to sit and listen to you. Rather , they want to be listened  to, perhaps
even demanding attention. Love and emotional abuse sadly can and often do go together ,
ultimately because emotionally abusive behaviors are often part of the
character structure of many men. With their vulnerable egos threatened,
these men relate as emotional boys. Unable to deal effectivel y with their
emotional pain and feeling easily threatened, their emotional abuse is often
a symptom of a deeper problem—unhealthy strategies used for self-
protection. When their ego is threatened in some way, narcissists are likely to
employ one or more of these emotionally abusive tactics. • Powering over . This has also been called “power play ,” when one
forces their will on another . “This is going to go my way , and that’ s all
there is to it.”
• Scapegoating . Putting the burden of responsibility onto an innocent
person and placing themselves in the favorable light. “I didn’ t do
anything wrong. It was all their fault.”
• Minimizing . Treating another as a lesser individual or treating actions
as less severe than they are. “What I did wasn’ t that big of a deal.”• Playing the victim . Making it seem as if the perpetrator is the one
being wronged instead of the real victim. “Nothing I do is ever good
enough.”
• Blame shifting . Taking the onus of f the perpetrator of harm and putting
it onto the victim. “It’ s your fault, not mine. I haven’ t done anything
you haven’ t done.”
• Excuse making . Making supposedly rational explanations for
inexcusable actions, failing to take responsibility for misbehavior . “I
didn’ t mean to do it. It was an accident.”
• Rage r eactions . Erupting in overt or covert anger—this could take the
form of passive-aggressive actions or outright rage. “This is
intolerable and inexcusable, and I won’ t stand for it.”
• Stonewalling . Retreating into silence. “I’m not talking to you.”
• Shunning . Intentionally discontinuing contact with a person because of
dislike for their justifiable actions. “Don’ t ever talk to me again.”
• Justification . Offering an allegedly reasonable excuse for inexcusable
actions. “What I did is really understandable. Just listen to me!”
• Rewriting history . Disavowing knowledge for having done a harmful
action. “That’ s not what happened. I remember it completely
different.”
• Deception . Lying about an action to place themselves in a more
favorable light. “I didn’ t do it.”
• Gaslighting . Excuses, deflections, and justifications used to take the
focus of f the harmful behavior . “I don’ t remember it that way . I think
you’ve got things all mixed up, which is what you always do.”
• Magical thinking . Believing everything will work out without any real
effort. “Everything will be fine. W e can work this out. It shouldn’ t be
too hard. I’m sure change will just happen.”Unfortunately , this is just a partial list of self-protective maneuvers—
defenses—used to guard the faltering ego against any perceived assault. It
is a good starting place though, and one we will refer to again in this book. Trauma Bonding
“Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’ t I listen? How could I fall for such a
man?” These are the resound ing questions asked by many victims of
emotional abuse. The answers are far more complex than you might think. There is a
dynamic taking place with victim s of abuse that is very concerning and one
that you must understand. The dynamic occurring in most abusive
relationships is trauma bonding . What exactly is trauma bonding? Trauma bonding is a destructive
attachment to someone harmful to us. This super glue attachment occurs
where there is a mixture of good and bad, harm and health. This mixture
can make a victim draw even closer to the one harming her. This occurs in
emotionally abusive relationships in which the victim, being so controlled
by the abuser , also sees him as her rescuer . Trauma bonding  explains how a victim of abuse comes to the defense of
her man. We see it at play in her willingness to protect him even when she
begins to see the abuse. Compo und that with post-traumatic stress disorder
and other chronic stress issues, and the bond becomes nearly impenetrable. The combination of love and disgust, grace and guilt, clarity and confusion,
creates a most powerful adhesive to the relationship and to the abuser . Trauma bonding , combined with the abusive defense tactics used to
preserve and protect the narcissist’ s ego, are lethal to the woman trying to
maintain her emotional footing. A little bit of abuse goes a very long way to
creating confusion in the victim, causing her to seriously question if love
ever truly existed in the relationship. Janene and Vanessa’ s heads are spinning. For as much as they are being
victimized, they are also being told that they are causing their marital
problems, that they are the reason their marriages are not doing well. Remember the power of shame and the desire to keep everything secret. The power of shame is completely debilitating.Their world has been managed and controlled down to meaninglessness. Their world is now filled with confusion as they have increasingly been
defined by someone else—the narcissist. They live in fear, and that fear is
now a defense—a way of copin g. They would feel as if they were risking
everything to let someone see into this world. Subsequently , many victims
live in isolation, afraid to ask for help. Bring the church into the mix, and we might inadvertently further
strengthen the trauma bond. Janene and Vanessa feel conflicted in different
ways about honoring God. Having been told that submission is the key to
living a godly life and that the institution of marriage is paramou nt to a love
relationship, they receive confusing messages and wonder how to heal. Lost in Love
It is time to stop being lost in love. It is time to critically review your
history of falling  in love and be honest with yourself about relationships. It
is impor tant to determine whether your relationships have been healthy and
life-giving or you have given up too much of yourself in the process. Finding your way is about differentiating love from infatuation and
healthy love from insecure dependency . It is about finding your way out of
being lost in love, which leaves you worse than when you started. It is
about gaining knowledge, gettin g clear , and preparing for making healthier
choices. Finding your way is also about learning how you have been
mesmerized, showered with attention and affection, only to feel the pain
and rejection that often follows. You’ve begun to see the dark side of the
narcissist and can be far more mindful going forward. Your wisdom and
insights are going to help you build a wonderful life. The Path Forward
The path forward is far more certain than the path you have been on. You now unders tand whether you are in a trauma bond with your mate. You
no longer have to be lost in love. With this understanding you will be
equipped to move forward with greater confidence.So let’s begin learning about the fragile psyche, the easily wounded boy,
that gives rise to the abusive man. As you understand him and perhaps even
learn to care for him in new ways, you will learn better how to care for
yourself. OceanofPDF .com4
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT! Often, those who bruise easily spend too much time thinking
about themselves . MARIELLA FROSTRUP
I heard the same complaint yet again. “This relationship is making me sick,” Sheila said emphatically . “One
day he’s Mr. Wonderful, and the next day I feel like I’m raising another
little boy . I’m tired of it.”
I looked over at her husband, Brent, wondering how he’d respond to her
harsh statement. “Why do you say that, Sheila?” I asked. “He’ s touchy . He’ s irritable. He has to have everything his way or I’m in
trouble. I can’ t live like this.”
Brent sat silently . “Every woman coming to the Marriage Recovery Center says
something like that. They are tired of tiptoeing around their husbands. Tell
me more.”
“His moods are unpredictable,” she added. “I never know what to
expect. Will Brent be the kind man who seems to care about me? Or will he
be wrapped up in his world, thinking only about what makes him happy?”
Brent still sat silently , appearing more annoyed. “I presume you’ve heard this before, Brent,” I said. “Would you like to
comment?”“I don’t think anything can make her happy ,” he said gruffly. “I work
hard and come home tired. If I’m not Mr. Happy , she gets upset. She’s the
one with the moods if you ask me.”
“I do like your good moods, Brent,” she said. “But the point is I don’t
know when your mood is going  to turn. So I’m just as fearful of the good
times because I know it’ s going to end soon. It always does.”
Brent shrugged and turned away . “Nothing I say is going to help.”
“You could say something, Brent,” she said. “I’d like you to at least
acknowledge that we’re talking about you. We’re talking about our
marriage.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he said. “You’re not happy , but what about
me? I’m not sure I can make you happy anymore.”
“I’ve told you, Brent,” she said angrily . “That’ s why we’re separated.”
We continued on with the first session, talking about what led to Sheila
and Brent’s separation. Sheila had finally had enough. She was tired of
trying to anticip ate his moods. She was tired of Brent’ s short temper , never
knowing what would upset him. Most important, Sheila was tired of trying
to fit into Brent’ s life. She was weary of changing her behavi or to fit the
mold he expected her to fit into. She was losing her life one small piece at a
time. “Do you understand what she is saying, Brent?” I asked. “Do you know
why she says she is losing her life?”
“Why are you asking me that?” he snapped. Caught off guard, I wasn’ t sure what to say next. I could sense his
agitation. “Are you upset by the question?”
“I don’t like the question at all,” he said, glaring at me. “I don’t really
want to be here,  and don’t like the direction this is going. She’s going to try
to blame me for everything. Nothing I do is ever good enough.”
I certainly didn’ t want to start things off on the wrong foot. I was a bit
anxious as this occurred in the first day of a three-day marriage intensive. Suddenly Brent stood up and walked toward me. “You asked me to understand  her, but why don’t you ask her to
understand me? This intensive is not going to be all about me being bad. She’s got changes to make too. Y ou don’ t need to make me look stupid.”
I felt myself reel back in my chair as if hit by a physical blow .Sheila looked at me. “This is my life,” she said, exasperated. “I don’t
know if our marriage can be saved.”
Easily Offended
Whatever happened to me at that moment happens to women like Sheila
every day. They are in love with a man who can be wonderful, but they are
afraid of the hurt little boy who can be mean—all in the same person. What
I witnessed was sensitivity gone  bad. This is what the textbook means when
it says the narcissist is likely to be easily offended—and that is what this
chapter is about. There was nothing I could say to completely save the situation. When
an abusive man is offended, rarely can you say something magical to settle
him down. What I had experienced is called personalization . According to Dr . John
M. Gohol, “Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that
everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the
person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determ ine who is
smarter , better looking, etc.”1 Personalization is often considered by many
professionals as the mother of all guilt. I was surprised at how I felt. Brent was angry and accusatory , and my
mind whirred to discover ways to settle him down. This feeling—
inadequate to settle a fiery situation—is what many women like Sheila live
with. I decide d Brent had been very provocative, inciting me to feel guilty . Blame has that impact on everyone. He affixed blame onto me with the
sheer power of his quick temper . He had taken his own feelings of
inadequacy and projected them onto me—and it hurt. I wondered how Sheila coped with such a man. How could she
withstand his angry tirades? More specifically , how could she maintain
emotional balance when he was so accusatory and touchy? Sensitive? Not So Much
Poor Brent. He had to be feeling very vulnerable to be so reactive,
right? While it is tempting to think of men like Brent as beinghypersensitive, this may not be accurate. In some ways, he is. In other
ways, not so much. What do I mean? The “nice Brent” could certainly be sensitive. I’m sure he was capable
of being kind and sensitive when things were going his way. But when
things didn’t go his way, he was likely to behave like the six-year-old we
discussed. If we looked at men like Brent through a normal lens, then it would be
normal to be wounded when someone like me questions him. It’s normal to
react to a perceived slight. Sensitive people feel hurt when slighted. However , men like Brent aren’ t thinking rationally . Brent has learned to
react to any perceived slight. They have learned they have power and have
learned to use it to control others. They use their aggression to make sure
you back off and stay off—very primitive ways to maintain emotional
balance. So yes, men like Brent are hype rsensitive. They perceive slights  that no
one inten ds. They react to issues  that aren’ t issues at all. They see intentions
when intended actions are not there. They read people’ s minds,  judge their
thoughts, and are ready to react . Having perceived an intended slight, they
come out angry and aggressive. Men like Brent are sensitive in a way, but they also are aggre ssors on
the hunt for anyone who dares question them. They must feel superior , in
charge. They will hurt anyone who dares to hurt them—and  this makes
them dangerous. Impossible Expectations
It is impossible to predict how men like Brent will react. Will you
encounter the charming man or the immature boy? I couldn’ t have known
Brent would come at me for asking certain questions. Even with my
extensive experience, men like Brent take me off guard. With impossible
expectations, I flounder and fumble at times, which is the reaction they get
from nearly everyone. It is as if they are shouting, “Don’ t ever insult me. Don’ t ever upset me. Don’ t ever make me feel stupid.”
Men like Brent don’t let us off easy. They don’t allow us the grace of
thinking we didn’ t do something very wrong to them. They have convincedthemselves, and attempt to conv ince us, that they are sensitive and we have
done something terribly wrong to them. We have hurt them. It’s as if we
should have known better . Shame on us! This is the roller  coaster many women describe. They can never predict
how their emoti onally abusive mate will act. They can never satisfy all the
requirements proclaimed by the childish tyrant. Try as you might, you’ll never assuage all his anger , and tragically , you
may lose yourself trying. Women become exhausted trying to keep up with
their man’ s demands, losing them selves and their sanity in the process. This
physical and emotional exhaustion, perhaps more than anything, are
hallmarks of emotional abuse. Backpedaling
Isn’t it amazing how intimidat ed we all feel when these emotionally
abusive men come at us? It’s crazy . We’re the ones who have been beaten
up by them, yet they are forever screaming about having been mistreated. According to Kathleen Krajco, blog writer of “Narcissists
Hypersensitive? T o What?,” narcissists are actually predators. We know that animal predator s aren’ t (counter) attacking
their prey in retaliation for any offense, don’t we? How do
we know that? Because the predator doesn’ t stop attacking
when the prey tries to flee…
And it’s the same with narcissists. They can’t be attacking in
retaliation for any offense. Beca use they too just intensify their
attack when the other party backs down, tries to appease, tries to
flee, or shows any other sign of weakness. Just like an anima l
predator does.2
Is Krajc o overstating the situation? Possibly , but I do see a significant
degree of aggression in the wounded narcissist and emotionally abusive
man. Like Bren t, they are alwa ys on high alert. Watchful and wary , they
react and overreact. Their mate is in a constant state of trauma, beingstunned and stymied, worried and weary . With such reactiv ity, women
remain frustrated and confused. Victim or V illain
So is Brent a victim or a villain? Is he a wounded little boy, sensitive
and hurt, or a predator to be watched closely? The answ er to this question is not as simple as you might think. What if
his many emotio nal triggers, which render him ready to feel wounded, are
caused by his own history of having been victimized? What if he is both a
victim and a villain? Brent was put on alert by my questioning. He was emotionally triggered
and ready to react. He carries a huge insecurity button ready to be pushed. He is always afraid others are better than him, and everyone and everything
they say runs the risk of pushin g that button. Always feeling insecure and
frightened, he walks through the world more vulnerable than his appearance
lets on. In this sense he is a victim of his own wounded past. Brent is also a villain, ready and willing to hurt others if that’s what
makes him to feel superior and safe. Feeling entitled and self-r ighteous, he
looks down on others. He walks with a false sense of superiority to
compensate for his suppressed feelings of inferiority . Narcissistic and
immature, he uses others’ empathy to get away with aggression. How does he do this? He does this the same way other narcissistic, emotionally abusive men
do it. Feeling wounded or slighted, they turn on the person who confronts
them to make them feel small and to make themselves feel superior. Were
they slighted? Yes. Was it of any consequence? Not likely . The narcissist
plays on others’ empathic need to not hurt people. He has learned, at some
primitive level, he has the powe r to make others obey him. He has learned
that others will feel bad for what they have said or done. In this respect,
narcissists are certainly villains. Can you see the power in their actions? Can you feel the sense of
grandiosity narcissists wield to manipulate others to bend to their whims? They broadcast nonverbal and verbal cues about being easily offended so
that others will walk carefully around them.Certainly Brent was a powerful man, attested to by the fact that his wife
and I were react ing so cautiously around him. He was not the victim he was
protesting himse lf to be, but now we were the victims of his defensive
tactics. Wounded Little Boy
Brent was certainly not a victim. Narcissists and emotionally abusive
men have learned some very maladaptive behavior . Grossly immature, they
think and behav e like little boys , with their behavior being reinforced time
and again. Dr. Sam Vaknin , in his book Malignant Self Love , suggests narcissists
are men who refuse to grow up. They are self-centered, haughty , demanding
brats. Well-adjusted individuals seek to face life’s challenges and mature,
but narcissists and emotionally abusive men avoid emotional challenges. They avoid honestly dealing with the relationship challenges we all face
that enable us to grow up. Vaknin asserts, “The narcissist  is a partial adult. He seeks to avoid
adulthood. Infantilization—the discrepancy between one’s advanced
chronological age and one’s retarded behavior , cognition, and emotional
development—is the narcissist’ s preferred art form.”3
Why would anyone avoid growing up? At first this doesn’ t make sense. Don’ t we all want to become the best version of ourselves possible? Although critica l of Brent, I saw bits of myself in him and was shocked. I recognized his pouting and manipulation. I can relate to Brent and other
men who are emotionally underdeveloped. There are days when I don’t
want to grow up. There are times when I’m a bundle of raw emotion and
want to react to my wife. Thank fully, more often than not, I interrupt these
immature tendencies. But I have them. Why are men like Brent so easily wounded? Aubyn De Lisle, in her article  “The Wounded Self—The Torture of
Narcissism,” notes that many  of us feel discomfort when we admit
something we feel ashamed about. Sharing information abou t our secret
selves is freeing, however . Not so with the narcissist.At the other end of the scale is the person who has a constan t
sense of their own weakness and resentment at being the victim
in the face of mistreatment by others. This, too, is a wound to
the self which constantly battle s with the need for validation . The person with true narcissistic personality disorder will not be
able to tolerate that discomfort at all, to the extent that they
simply will not recognize it as an issue.4
Wounded very early in life by strict, abusive fathers, abandonment, or
sometimes profound neglect, these men limp through life. They experienced
trauma and failed to develop a healthy sense of self. Needing a safe
environment in which to develop and learn critical relationship skills
needed as adults, these children have been robbed. The result is a selfish,
demanding man-boy . You know this is true. The empathic part of your personality wants to
reach out and save him. When he is small and vulnerable you want to take
him under your wings and let him know everything will be all right. You
sense his fragilit y and want to protect him. When he turns on the charm, he
is all the more likeable. Like most little boys, he seem s to intuitively know when he can be
mean and when he must behave. He knows if he pushes too far, you will
run, and in the end he cannot live without you. Walking in Her Shoes
Sometime later I sat alone with Sheila to discuss how she was coping. I
wondered what it was like to be with this victim-villain on a day-in, day-out
basis. What was it like to be with someone she loved, someone who said he
loved her but seemed to purposely hurt her? “I’m so tired of the fights after the fights,” she said. “What do you mean?” I asked. “There is always a fight after the fight. He never owns up to the
problems he has created, so I have to either argue with him or give up. More and more I just give up. It’ s exhausting.”
I have worked with many women who have been emotionally abused
and share the same sentiments. Even those with strong faith backgroundsstruggle, often feeling compelle d to tolerate any kind of treatment. Most
feel completely confused and emotionally drained. Tearfully Sheila shared the turning point for her emotionally . “I was able to put up with his little-boy ways for a while, but then I
really thought about the impact it was having on me and our two children. It
was the thought  that our kids were likely to pick up many of his traits that
changed things for me. That made me think seriously about setting limits. I’m to the point now where if he is unwilling to change I may divorce him. I’m preparing myself for that.”
I shared that I understood her decision, though truthfully I cannot say I
really did. How can anyone other than the ones walking this path say they
fully understand? I summarized what I had noticed in the sessions thus far. I was uneasy
with her husband in my short time with him, wary of how he might react to
my interventions . I need to feel safe in order to offer emotional help, and he
made it clear that he could not or would not tolerate confrontation. W ith me,
as with his wife, he demanded admiration and attention. It was critical at this point for me to share with Sheila that the
counseling process could become tense. I would not be offering them good
therapy if I didn’t point out obvious concerns. I could not tiptoe around
issues, specifically his reactivi ty, and do good therapy . If I enabled his
power , I would be revictimizing her . Sheila encouraged me to do the work I needed to do, to confront the bad
behavior that needed confrontat ion. It was imperative that we not succumb
to his abuse of power and manipulation. She was ready for whatever might
happen. Warning Signs
Sheila said she was ready for change and encouraged me to be
confrontational. I encouraged her to be strong as well. Change was
necessary if she was to have a healthy marriage. Maintaining the status quo
was a sure way to ensure nothing changed. Sheila is struggling to set boundaries on narcissistic and emotional
abuse. A major aspect of her healing is to critically review what has caused
her head to spin. She must first learn to recognize the warning signals thather husband and others like him transmit. She must learn about normal,
healthy behavior and contrast that with unhealthy , abnormal, emotionally
abusive behavior . Gaining freedom means discerning the good from the
bad, the loving gestures from power and control tactics. Perhaps you too are trying to decipher how you could stay in
relationship with an abusive man. You might think it would be relatively
easy to distingu ish between a healthy man and an unhealthy one. No, it’s
not that easy . Fortunately , there are warning signs. There are ways you can become
smarter so that you can differentiate between healthy and unhealthy
interactions, between mature love and immature, self-cen tered love. Consider some of these warning signs as you discern healthy love from
malignant love. Craig Malkin outlined this list in his article “5 Early Warning Signs
You’re with a Narcissist”:
1. Projected feelings of insecurity . The narcissist and emotional abuser
has a need to make others feel small out of his own incredible
feelings of insecurity . Narcissists, with such a fragile ego, perceive
any af front as overwhelming to them and watch for anything they can
turn around on their mate. 2. Emotion phobia . The narcissist and emotional abuser has a hard time
allowing himself to be touched by the emotions of others. Many of
the narcissistic men I work with struggle to understand and name
their feelings. 3. A fragmented family story . The narcissist and emotional abuser is
typically insecurely attached and is unable to weave a coherent story
of his past. He may idolize his family of origin or give contradictory
messages about it. Many narcissists in my practice come from very
dysfunctional backgrounds with histories of neglect and brokenness. 4. Idol worship . The narcissist and emotional abuser often idolizes
someone until that person comes crashing to earth. Then, sorely
disappointed, the narcissist rejects the person who caused hisdisillusioned feelings. Most narcissists vacillate between idolizing
people in their world and denigrating them. 5. A high need for contr ol. The narcissist and emotional abuser fails to
allow others to have their own preferences. Narcissists are highly
controlling, demanding that other people behave the way they want.5
These warning signs offer a starting place for trying to sort out what has
happened up to this point and learning how to make better choices for your
future. Understanding these warning signs will help you distinguish
between healthy  and unhealthy men. This list can also point you in the
direction of issues that need to be addressed should you choose to stay with
your mate. So Much Insecurity
Emotional abuse  in its many forms is driven by deep-seated insecurity . This insecurity is no excuse for bad behavior . However , conside ring what is
happening below  the surface can help you to know how to respond and
ultimately become healthy again. These men can grow up, when forced to. Michael J. Formica has written an insightful article titled
“Understanding the Dynamics of Abusive Relationships.” He says,
Abusive relationships are fairly simple. They are driven by
insecurity , fear that feeds that insecurity and an expectation
of inconsistency , both real and perceived. An abuser is morbidly insecure. S/he has little sense of his/her
own social value and makes an effort to gain or re-gain some
semblance of that value through domination and control. The
fear that feeds that insecurity has two fronts: fear of not being
lovable, and fear of appearing weak. The paradox here is that the
abuser is, in fact, weak, which is why s/he abuses—to maintain a
sense of control—in the first place.6Formica nailed it. It is about control for the narcissist and emotional
abuser . It is also about his fear of not being lovable. His behavior reinforces
his fear. As he behaves poorly , he ultimately meets with both social and
relational rejecti on. He has a sense that many don’t like him. He feels this
rebuf f and reacts with even greater ef forts to control. Formica doesn’ t stop with observations about the abuser . He notes that
victims suffer from severe insecurity as well. Victims have little sense of
their own social  value and gain value by submitting to the abuser ’s demand
for domination. Victims are willing to accept the scraps of love and
attention in place of the real thing out of their own insecurity .7
Victims and abusers find each other . The abuser needs control and the
victim needs love and attention. They become accustomed to this kind of
relationship, so it can be quite enduring. Many abusive relations hips can be
described as simply as that. Caring and the Chur ch
You might wonder about the role of the church in the issue of emotional
abuse. Unfortunately , the church  often unwittingly reinforces many of these
troubling dynam ics. The church is a body of loving, caring people who are
ready to reach out to the needy , and you can’ t find someone needier than the
wounded boy-m an. Yet rather than challenge these men to grow  up and be
leaders in their homes, the church may coddle the boy in him by staying
silent under the guise of not scaring him away or making sure he doesn’ t
feel rejected. The church must change. We must change. What we are currently doing
is not working. Many victims of emotional abuse find their faith confusing. If the
church fails to take a clear stand on emotional abuse, many victims are left
wondering, where is the boundary between loving and giving on one hand,
and losing their lives to abuse on the other? A simplistic reading of Scripture can add to this confusion. The apostle Peter implores us, “Above all, love each other deeply ,
because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one
another without grumbling” (1 Peter 4:8-9). An emotionally vulnerablereader might naively assume this means she should give, give, and give
some more, without limits. Similarly , Jesus Himself tells us, “Whoever finds their life will lose it,
and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39). A
bewildered victim might equate that with enduring a husband’ s sinful abuse,
though of course Jesus is saying  nothing of the sort. We aren’ t here to pay
the price of another’s sin. Christ already did that. We are here to be salt and
light. If we allow abuse as an acceptable way of life, we are actually
participating in a cover -up rather than shedding light in a dark place. Still, in their confusion and pain, women like Sheila can easily
misinterpret passages like these. Thankfully , Scripture does not tell us to sit
with abuse. Scripture does not sanction any kind of abuse. In 1 Corinthians
13 we read that love “does not dishonor others, it is not self-s eeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…It always protects” (1
Corinthians 13:4-7). Certainly , our mate might like to remind us that love
keeps no record of wrongs! And yet the most unloving thing we could do is
enable them to thrive in their sin. Scripture is clear that we are the crown of God’ s creation. “You have
made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and
honor” (Psalm 8:5). We were created to reflect God’ s richness and to join
Him in the ongoing work of creation. With Scripture offering us wisdom about how to proceed on the issue of
emotional abuse, we need the church to lead the way. The church must not
tolerate any form of abusive behavior . These are boundaries that must be
reinforced as designed by God. Who’ s Responsible for His Bad Feelings? Getting clear about who is responsible for whom is perhaps the most
critical decision you can make. God designed us to be caring— not to coddle
emotionally wounded, abusive men. As I reflected on my reaction with Brent, I realized that I had rescued
him. I had decided that he needed to be handled softly . I had put my own
desire not to rile him ahead of what was appropriate—which was to
confront his behavior . I had decided that I needed to walk softly to keep him
in counseling. Wrong! Failing to call out bad behavior , victim izing Sheilaagain, would not save her or their marriage. Confronting unhealthy
behavior would give them a chance at a healthy marriage. After my initial mistake, I changed my mind. I decided that Brent must
not be enabled to treat me or his mate badly . He must learn that bad
behavior is bad. Though he may be hurting, it’s not okay to hurt others. Though wounded and insecure, he cannot bully his way in the world. Living this out with Brent won’ t be easy. I don’t have any quick
answers, but I’m prepared to confront him with his troubling actions. I’ve
encouraged Sheila to stand firm in not tolerating abuse. She is prepared to
live this out as well, making it clear that any reconciliation would be based
on him growing up and treating her well. We both realized we are not
responsible for his behavior . He alone is responsible for how he treats
others, and this will play a huge role in how others treat him. The Path Forward
Shelia is beginni ng to live a different life with Brent. His narcissism and
emotional abuse will not save their marriage. Sheila is stronger and is acting
on her God-given wisdom and clarity . Brent does not like her new behavior and firmer boundaries. He
maintains a grudge and has not yet made a significant change in his heart
that would lead to change in his behavior . Yet with firmer boundaries in
place, change is now possible. The choice is his. Once you have clearer boundari es in place, you too will be prepared to
move forward. You know more about your mate’ s insecurities, which drive
his troubling behavior . You have learned about warning signs for abusive
behavior . You have also learned  that God is not asking you to suffer in an
abusive relationship. He has a much better life designed for you. Let’s move ahead now into understanding narcissistic victim syndrome. Together we will explore the impact of chronic abuse and ways to recover
from it. OceanofPDF .com5
NARCISSISTIC VICTIM SYNDROME
You can either be a victim of the world or an adventur er in sear ch
of treasur e. It all depends on your view of life . PAULO COELHO
Victim. The word conjures up many images for most people. When I hear the word “victi m,” I immediately visualize someone
robbed at gunpoint, beaten by a group of thugs, or swindled out of their
lifetime savings by an unethical stock broker . I don’t visualize a 35-year -old woman who is married to a soft-spoken
small-business owner and who complains about how he treats her. I don’t
think of a 50-year -old woman whose husband is the high school coach and
respected throug hout the community for his generosity but who runs his
home like an NFL football team. Victim. Most of us don’t quite know what to do with this word, the concept, or
the actual person. We don’t have a place in our minds and emotional life for
a woma n continually beaten by attitudes, words, and actions. We are not
sure what to say to her , whether to advise her to stay or leave him. As a result of this phenomenal lack of comprehension, many women,
abjectly alone, are floundering on their own to find support. They typically
suffer in silence, unable to define what is happening to them. After yearsliving silently with this threat, they may begin seeking help to understand
their experience. This happens, however , only after suffering alone and beginning a
downward spiral of poor emotional and physical health. Victim. This chapter will help you becom e a bit more comfortable not only with
the word but with the possibility that you are struggling with a cluster of
symptoms known as narcissistic victim syndrome (NVS). We will examine
what is happening to you and many other women. A W oman’ s Story
Debra is one of many wome n struggling with narcissistic victim
syndrome (NVS), a nonclinical diagnosis for women who have been
victimized by a narcissist. There are as many different stories as there are
women victimized by their emotionally abusive men. Debra was an elementary school teacher for years, though her career
was cut short by the myriad physical symptoms of her diagnosis. She
struggled with fatigue, anxiety , and confusion and simply  could not
continue with the work she loved. “I never  know what the day is going to bring,” she said. “I have to take
it one day at a time. I’m afraid to plan anything for the future, so it was
impossible to keep my job.”
“What is your typical day like?” I asked. “There is no typical day , but I will probably be downright weary . I know
I will probably ache all over. My brain will probably be in such a fog that I
can’t make the simplest of decisions. It’ s all so discouraging.”
She looked at me. “Are all these symptoms related to your marriage?” I asked. I could feel the weight she carried on her shoulders as she shrugged. “When Stan is difficult and playing head games with me, my day will be
horrible. He pushes for his way and is beyond stubborn. When he argues
with me and then blames it all on me, I get worse. There was a day last
week when I couldn’ t get out of bed.”
“How does his ar guing impact you?” I asked.“I start the day with challenges,”  Debra said impatiently . “I can’t handle
any more stress, and relating with Stan does it to me. If I have only a little
energy to start, struggling with him emotionally puts me on empty . Worse
than empty!”
A Differ ent Kind of V ictim
Debra didn’ t arrive at my office complaining of NVS. She said she
came to see me because she couldn’ t cope. In fact, she had never heard of
NVS. She was anxious and worried about feeling sad and depressed. She
had started reading about emotional abuse, and that triggered a bit of hope
that it might not be all her . She thought she might be a victim. Debra could feel herself slipping emotionally even though she was a
strong Christian and felt loved by God. She wondered if she was being
tested in some way by God, but this too was confusing to her. She felt the
joy she had known previously slipping away and wondered  what was
happening to her . I asked Debra to share more about her marriage. “He’ s really self-centered,” she said. “I think of him as a scheming
teddy bear with brass knuckles. He can be loving at times, but he’s always
out for himself. He doesn’ t seem to notice that I’m dying, and that makes
me furious.”
She paused. “I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I have always been a loving and
compassionate person. I believe in marriage, but I’m not sure I want to stay
married to my husband.”
Debra shared that I was the first person who seemed to understand what
it might be like living with her husband. This was not surprising since many
people have never heard of NVS. Thus, many women strug gle with a
syndrome that is not recognized or accurately diagnosed. Not only have the victims rarely heard of this syndrome, but the people
they seek help from—pastors, doctors, and therapists—know little about the
syndrome as well. Most therapists have been trained to recognize
depression or anxiety , common symptoms of someone struggling with
NVS, but have little or no training in recognizing or treating NVS.Because therapists are ill-equip ped to deal with NVS, and friends and
family have not even heard of this syndrome, the victim of NVS  often goes
unrecognized and unsupported and is left feeling helpless. What Is Nar cissistic V ictim Syndr ome (NVS)? After taking a complete history , which is critically important, it was
clear Debra was struggling with NVS. She had many of the common
complaints consistent with NVS:
depression
fatigue/exhaustion
insomnia
anxiety
feeling empty
phobias
weight loss or gain
brain fog
multiple physical complaints
possibly suicidal
possibly dissociative
These are some of the physiological and psychological complaints of
women struggli ng with NVS. No two women have the same  symptoms,
which makes accurately assess ing a woman more difficult. The common
complaint, however , is feeling physically unwell—and is always associated
with challenges in their marriage.The victim of NVS must, of course, be in relationship with a narcissist. Additionally , as we have discussed, not all narcissists are created equal. Many seem like very nice guys, and therefore many women fear speaking
up about this syndrome, which makes them feel crazy . Post-T raumatic Str ess Disorder (PTSD)
NVS is not the only possible problem facing the victim of narcissistic
abuse. According to Christine Hammond’ s article “Identifying Victims of
Narcissistic Abuse,” many victims of narcissistic abuse struggle with post-
traumatic stress disorder (PTSD ), having possibly suffered one or more of
the following:
• Traumatic event . Survivors have been exposed to actual or threatened
death, serious injury , or sexual violence. • Intrusion or r e-experiencing . Victims experience intrusive thoughts or
memories, nightmares, flashbacks, or psychological distress and
reactions to reminders of the traumatic event. • Avoidant symptoms . Victims may try to avoid memories of an event,
including avoiding thoughts, feelings, memories, people, places,
conversations, or situations connected to a traumatic event. • Negative alterations in mood or cognition . Victims often experience a
decline in mood or thought patterns after the event, including an
inability to remember , negative beliefs, or expectations about one’ s
self or the world. They also experience distorted thoughts about the
cause or consequence of the event, fear , horror , anger , guilt, shame,
diminished interest in activities, feeling detached, feeling estranged, or
inability to experience happiness. • Increased ar ousal symptoms . Victims may experience feelings of
being “on edge,” wary , and watching for further threats. Symptoms
also include irritability , increased temper and anger , reckless, self-
destructive behavior , difficulty falling or staying asleep,
hypervigilance, dif ficulty concentrating, or being easily startled.• Symptoms lasting at least a month . The symptoms must also seriously
affect one’ s ability to function, and they can’ t be due to substance use,
medical illness, or anything except the event itself.1
It is relatively easy to see how women like Debra are likely to suffer not
only from NVS but also from  PTSD. These women, in their troubled
relationships, have often experienced myriad traumatic events that rocked
their world. In fact, in many cases, daily life is filled with painful events. In explo ring Debra’ s history for possible PTSD, she shared, “I am
always on edge with Stan. I never know if he is going to come home in a
good or bad mood. If he’ s in a bad mood, nothing I do will be right.”
“Has he ever threatened you in any way?” I asked. “He has gotten in my face many times,” she said. “He has never touched
me, but he has let me know he could. He screams when he gets mad. He
backs down when I start crying, but I know what he is capable of doing.”
Debra shared again the pain she felt from giving up a career she loved. “I just wasn’ t focusing the way I need to in order to run a classroom,”
she said. “I find myself thinking about what Stan was like the night before. I had been warned six months ago that people were noticing I wasn’ t
functioning at a high enough level, so I gave my notice. Now I’m staying
home, trying to get healthy .”
Complex PTSD
As if these symptoms and struggles weren’ t bad enough for the victim
of a narcissist, things often get much worse. Those who have been exposed
to someone with a personality disorder , especially narcissistic personality
disorder , can develop complex PTSD. Complex PTSD occu rs when a
victim experiences repeated trauma over which they have little or no control
and from which there is perceived to be no real escape. Most experts agree that victims suffering from complex PTSD share the
following symptoms with PTSD: re-experiencing the past, having a sense of
threat, and avoidance of the threatening situation. CPTSD differs from
PTSD in that it has three additional symptoms:• Emotional sensitivity and reduced ability to respond to situations in an
emotionally appropriate manner
• Negative self-concept with feelings of worthlessness
• Interpersonal problems, marked by challenges in feeling close to
others2
If you struggle with the concept of women having little control over
their trauma, or their perceived inability to find real escape, consider
Debra’ s situation. Debra is only 40 years old. She was previously a dynamic teacher who
worked hard to achieve her status and was beloved by parents and children. Because of repeated traumatic experiences, she now feels 20 years older
than her age and is unable to work. Debra can’t just lie around in bed because of her constant fatigue and
weariness—she has two teenage children who rely on her. Furthermore, she
still loves her husband and desperately wants to hold on to her marriage. She believes in the sanctity of marriage and believes God has called her to
love him, though at times she is intensely conflicted about those feelings. She dislikes him at times, creating a web of confusion. Debra is a strong Christian and hates the thought of divorce and of
harming her children. She has spent many years married, and her life is
interwoven with her husband’ s.
The few people who know her well tell her she has a right to leave. Yet
now that she is not working, she is more dependent upon her husband than
before. She feels angry about her circumstances. Most people in her
Christian circle don’t fully understand her dilemma, but their general
counsel is to “stay and pray .”
Where is her clear path? What should she do? Who’ s Listening? You might think Debra could find plenty of support. Yet if you have
been in her shoes, you know that is often not the case.Those around her certainly acknowledge her pain and realize she is in
distress, but where are the wounds? Who is the perpetrator? These are
critical questions when it comes to finding support. The answer s are not as
easy to find as one might initially think. “I feel like I’m screaming in the middle of a crowded room and no one
can hear me,” she said to me. I sat silently , reflecting on what she said. I imagined her standin g in the
middle of a crow ded room screaming and no one coming to her aid. What
would it be like to be surrounded by people, cry out for help, but be
ignored? The image is preposter ous, right? Not necessarily . If no one really
understands you, if they cannot fathom your experience, you are profoundly
alone. “Your words really impact me,” I said to her. “I have been through some
very painful times in my life, but I always had friends or family who
supported me. In fact, I don’t know how I could have survived my most
painful experiences without dear friends caring for me. You describe being
completely alone and without support or help.”
“There is no one to help,” she interrupted. “Even the professionals I’ve
gone to don’t really get it. They minimize my problems, or wors e, they take
my husband’ s side. When it’s really bad, I get blamed for the problems. I’m
truly alone and have to figure things out for myself.”
The image lingered with me long after our counseling session. I
considered some of the terrible  experiences in my life and how I would
have survived had I been alone . When I went through a painful divorce, I
had a group of six men who prayed and stayed with me during the roughest
of times. When I lost my mothe r, father , mother -in-law , and sister to cancer
all withi n four years, I had family who loved me and understood my grief. What if I had been completely and utterly alone? Women in narcissistic relations hips feel alone because they are alone. Their mate cannot satisfy their emotional needs for empathic understanding
and intimate connection. When seeking help, they are likely to meet with
ineffective therapy , friends who don’ t understand, and pastors who will pray
with them but do nothing else. It’s like screaming in the middle of a crowded room and no one coming
to help.Signs That Y ou’ve Been Abused
NVS is real and it is debilita ting, partly because of the abuse that
precedes the syndrome and partly because of the lack of support and
effective help for victims. Additionally , many people, including  the victim,
aren’ t sure what is going on. They are not sure what the matter is and what
must be done for healing. Victims of narcissistic abuse exhibit varied symptoms. Since the
syndrome is not well known in clinical circles, the differing symptoms are
not universally accepted. In many situations, the victims seek information
on the Internet and from each other , and they inform the clinicians. Kim Saeed, in her article “6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse
Syndrome,” identified six signs that you are in relationship with a narcissist. 1. You almost always feel alone . Your mate may be with you physically ,
but you feel very detached from him because of his inability to
connect in a healthy way . You’d love to have him connect
emotionally , but he is incapable of really understanding your
experience. 2. You don’ t feel good enough . Your partner rarely recognizes your
accomplishments or shares in what matters most to you.
_OceanofPDF.com_When_Loving_Him_is_Hurting_You_-_David_Hawkins.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

       , notes that women
will often get hooked back into a relationship when they see a shred of
hope. 1 So hungry for a positive sign, they naively believe things will be fine
when that is not the case. Janene had that naive hope. She needed to think long and hard about her
situation. Her situation was layered with emotion, doubts, and fears. What
she needed was professional counsel and the wise support of friends. Unfortunately, when it comes to love, the consoling and counseling
from friends and family is often  simplistic and unreasonable. Some friends
don’t want to get involved. All are opinionated, which often stops them
from listening well and simply offering support. Most don’t really
understand the addictive nature of toxic, troubled love. Seeking wise counsel is critical. Scripture tells us, “Where there is no
guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory”
(Proverbs 11:14 NASB ). Knowing who to listen to will not be an easy task. Janene needed clear instruction from a professional who knows about
narcissism and emotional abuse. Even then, she must discern whether that
counsel reflects her feelings and a thorough understanding of narcissism
and emotional abuse. Janene faced a mountain of questions. Why did she fall for a man who
made her head spin. Why was she willing to get back on the roller coaster. We methodically  looked at her history for explanations. We sought answers
to quest ions about her vulnerability to a narcissistic man. Here ’s what her
history showed. Three years ago, Janene went through a painful, embittered divorce. The
protracted proce edings left her wounded and afraid, scarred and scared. She
now shares custody of her children with her ex, but she fears he may take
her back to court anytime she does something he doesn’ t like. She is
tiptoeing through life. “It was ugly,” she said, referencing her first marriage. “My husband
drank a lot. Even though he lost his job and had a history of lying to me, the
church wanted me to hang in there and pray for him to sober up. He never
did, and I just couldn’ t take it. The divorce was messy, and I lost a lot of
friends and even my church. It was terrible. I feel so guilty. I wonder if that
is why I don’ t want to give up. “I hadn’t dated for a couple of years,” Janene continued though tfully. “I
knew I needed time to heal. Then I met Brian, and I was attracted to him
immediately. And when he showed interest in me, it was an incredible
feeling. ”Now Janene felt ashamed, a common feeling of those falling for
someone who turns out to be emotionally abusive. As we talked, Janene
shared how she was taken in by his charm and delighted by both his success
and admiration of her. It was easy to see how she could lose her emotional
footing. Once you fall, it’s very easy to move faster than you intended. The
experience is a lot like high school love and every bit as emotionally
intoxicating. She missed being cared about. She missed love. Now What. Janene jumped into a relationship without fully exploring the danger
signs. She was vulnerable and settled before thoroughly examining her
situation. She allowed her heart to be overwhelmed by his affection and
attention. But is it really that simple. Let’s step back and explore what might have
been happening inside her. Janene had been seriously wounded from her divorce and years of
trying to get her husband to choose her instead of alcohol. She left her
marriage feeling fragile, broke n, and terribly vulnerable, and she still
wonders if she tried hard enough to save their marriage. Many of us have had that profound feeling of being rejected. It is a
terrible blow to the brain. Nearly all of us have been dumped by someone
we love, and just as many of us have dumped someone who loved us. Yet
we fight for love, yearn for love, pine for love. We write songs and poems
and stories about love. We create mesmerizing films about love. For as
complex as love is, for as many wounds as are created by it, we still yearn
to be loved. We cling to love even when it involves a narcissist or
emotionally abusive man. Love is complex and is wired into our DNA. Perhaps the greatest treatise given on love is the love chapter in the
Bible, which reads in part, “Love never fails. But where there are
prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled;
where there is knowledge, it will pass away…And now these three remain:
faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians
13:8,13). Indeed, we were made for love, and it is the greatest. We have been
relational since the beginning of time, and so it should not surprise us thatJanene went against her best judgment and fell for Brian after such a short
time. Love is intoxicating, life-g iving, and so enjoyable. If we could bottle
and sell it, we would be infinitely wealthy. The Brain in Love
What does Janene’s story teach us about love in general and emotional
abuse in particular. So far you’ve learned that “the brain on love” is not
necessarily healthy or rational. Romantic love is one of the most powerful
sensations on earth. That obsession gets worse for those who have been
rejected—that’ s 95 percent of us. But what exactl y happens to your brain when you meet this man who
seems too good to be true. Why  are you smitten and nearly unable to think
straight. Do you remember the ad where a guy fries an egg and then states,
“This is your brain on drugs”. As it turns out, researchers have now
concluded “the effects of love on the brain are strikingly similar to the
effects of drugs on it. ”2
Robert Weiss, in his article “This Is Your Brain on Love,” writes that
magnetic resonance imaging technology has discovered that…
• “Intense romantic love activates the striatum…a region of the brain
that is often referred to as the pleasure center. ”
• “Romantic love also activates the insula, a region of the brain that
assigns value to pleasurable and life-sustaining activities. ”3
Limerence—the short-term glue that keeps couples togeth er long
enough for long-term love to take place—depends on the blood flow to
these areas of the brain. Weiss cites other research that indicates the parts of the brain impacted
by love are also the parts most heavily affected by addictive drugs. Yes, it
turns out that limerence and love have much in common with cocaine and
heroin. Lasting love and addictive substances have similar neurochemical
underpinnings. This may help you understand  why people in love—you, perhaps—
often appear obsessed and addicted, especially in the early stages of a newromance. 4 You were expe riencing a neurochemical rush (a high) that made
you want to stay in a relationship that may not have been good  for you. It
explains why some, such as Janene, fell fast and hard for someone who was
ultimately not healthy for her. More on Falling in Love
In my work with thousands of couples struggling with emotional abuse,
the issue of falling in love has almost always been central. I’ve witnessed
many people who, despite their best intentions, make poor choices again
and again. In one of the most profound books I’ve ever read, The Road Less
Traveled, Scott Peck has much to say about falling in love. Of all the misc onceptions about love the most powerful and
pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least is
one of the mani festations of love. It is a potent misconception,
because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very
powerful fashion as an experience of love. 5
Peck notes that falling in love is almost always an act of regression. We
are quite literally out of our minds. We feel a temporary sense of
omnipotence. All problems can be overcome during this heady experience. But this intoxica tion fades, and the couple must get on with the work of real
loving. It is here that you wake up and begin to notice the danger signs. It is
here that you feel that anxious  pit in your stomach that maybe you have
made a mistake. Your body records the emotionally abusive actions that are
sometimes noticeable, sometimes not. Peck helps us make more sense out of this experience. He notes that
falling in love is not an act of the will or conscious choice. He notes that we
may fall in love with someone not suited for us. We are as likely to fall in love with someone with whom we are
obviously ill-ma tched as with someone more suitable…W e canchoose how to respond to the experience of falling in love, but
we cannot choose the experience itself. 6
In those thousan ds of couples I’ve worked with, nearly every person fell
fast and hard for their mate. They loved being in love and wanted to
perpetuate that feeling at all costs. Like the addict seeking drugs, many of
the individuals sought to mainta in the relationship even though in retrospect
they remember seeing warning signs. Love Bombing
You’ve learned about you in love and how vulnerabilities set us up to
make poor choices. Let’s shift now to the narcissist. What is he up to. What
is his part in you falling in love again. There’ s a good chance you’ve been
the victim of love bombing. Reflect back to the early days of love. Something probably happened
that should have set off a red flare. Janene was swept off her feet by love
bombing—being showered with praise and gifts and adoration. Remember
that she was vulnerable, having been hurt deeply in her marriage and
subsequent divorce. She meets Brian, who knows how to treat a woman. He tells her she is
the best thing that has ever happened to him, and she is totally unlike
anything he’s ever experienced before. He studies her and reflects what she
wants to see and hear. He watches her closely, always noting what she is
looking for, which feels very flattering. He is a perfect chameleon, able to
mimic her emotions and blend into her desires. When love bombing, the narcissist appears teachable, humble, hungry
to know you, and fascinated by you. He may be very spiritual and able to
use that languag e. He continually speaks of how special you are and how
different you are from anyone else he’s known. He’s lavish and poetic and
flattering. His whole world is about studying you. Later, however, he will
use all he’ s learned to control you. Now, to be fair, I’m not suggest ing that every man is a narcissist or that
every narcissist wakes up in the morning and sets out to conquer a woman. Many believe all narcissists are diabolical and vile, seeking to manipulate
and overwhelm  women. Yet I have found many are actual ly genuine,although often shallow in both intentions and attentions. They may truly
care for you and feel swept off their feet. They may have no conscious
ulterior motives, and only time reveals their true character. To be found irresistible is irresistible, and the narcissist knows this. It is
nearly impossible to resist love bombing, as Brittany Wong warns us in her
article “9 Signs Y ou’re in Love with a Narcissist. ”
Narcissists are very, very good  at turning on the charm when
they first meet you. As far as they’re concerned, you’ve got the
looks of a young Elizabeth Taylor and the wit of a thousand Tina
Feys. But don’t get used to those compliments or the pricey
dinners they treat you to—it’ s not likely to last…That behavio r
is called  love bombing, but with a narcissist, the smothering,
razzle-dazzle display has nothing to do with you. You merely
supply whatever the narcissist wants at the time (sex, money,
status, youth). Once he or she has you, the “love” you feel will
morph into control and denigration. 7
Think about it. Who can resist being adored, told they are wonderful,
incredible. Who can push away from receiving lavish gifts. We are all
susceptible to admiration, and many narcissists have a keen sense of who is
more vulnerable than another and likely to be susceptible to these gestures. Vulnerability and Love
In a perfect world, we would be secure, clear about our identity, and
able to recognize the narcissist’ s lavish attention for the shallowness that it
is. We would feel emotionally strong, spiritually protected, and balanced in
our judgment. W e would not be so vulnerable to the narcissist. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world of insecurity
and sometimes abject fear. We have a history of wounds, trigger ed again by
rejection. Even though we guard  these vulnerable aspects of our personality,
we can do only so much to remain safe. We are a mosaic of parts: part secure and clear, part confused and
uncertain, part downright fright ened. We all have a history, and for manyvictims of narcissistic and emotional abuse, that history includes being
significantly wounded. This creates vulnerability that you must come to
understand and do your utmost to heal. Vanessa, anothe r client, is a perfect reflection of this mosaic. She called
me one evening in a panic after she and her boyfriend split up. She and I
had been working together for a couple of years. Vanessa owns an accounting business and conducts herself with strength
and courage in her profession al life. But in her personal life she feels
embarrassed and ashamed that she has allowed herself to be mistreated. She
has not even confided in her closest friends about her problems. “Brad got mad over something trivial and broke up with me again,” she
said. “I’m so sick of this,” she cried. “I’m better than all of this drama, but
for some reason I keep allowin g him to leave when he gets mad and then
return when he’s over it. When he’s over it he wants to prete nd nothing
happened, and I just go along with it. “The cycle is always the same,” she continued. “He breaks up with me
and stays away for days. He’s even hooked up with other women. Then
when he’s done being upset, he comes back to me very loving and showers
me with attention. So I forget about feeling hurt and fall for him all over
again. It doesn’ t seem to take long before he’s back to being his angry self
again. By then I’m hooked and don’t have the courage to talk about the
fight or his behavior. It’s all crazy. ”
Over the next few sessions we began exploring Vanessa’ s history,
paying special attention to her personality traits of both strength and
vulnerability. We discussed the cycles of behavior she was beginning to
recognize and how to use that information to her advantage. Love and Emotional Abuse
Vulnerability is a key issue when learning about love and emotional
abuse. Narcissis ts cannot be narcissistic if they don’t have someone to
manipulate. They are adept at finding a vulnerable woman in the crowd. This is in no way said to cast any blame or shame on you. Rather, this book
has been written to empower and strengthen you. I am often asked  by victims of emotional abuse, “If he really loved me,
how could he do what he is doing to me. ” A variation of this question is,“Does he really love me. ”
These are powerful questions asked by women who have suffered from
narcissistic victim’s syndrome and emotional abuse. I do not use the word
“suffer” lightly, as I’ve seen women who have been suicida l or whose
physical health has been compromised from being mistreated
psychologically by their mate. What is going on here. How can love and abuse be part of the same
relationship. Think about the love of a six-year -old. A narcissist’ s love is immature,
able to love but not love well. A six-year -old certainly has the capacity to
care for others, but their caring  is phenomenally self-absorbed. They care
about what you can do for them, not what they can do for you. They
become easily frustrated when not getting what they believe they deserve. They demand their way, lose their temper, and act out. They have little
capacity to sit and listen to you. Rather, they want to be listened  to, perhaps
even demanding attention. Love and emotional abuse sadly can and often do go together,
ultimately because emotionally abusive behaviors are often part of the
character structure of many men. With their vulnerable egos threatened,
these men relate as emotional boys. Unable to deal effectivel y with their
emotional pain and feeling easily threatened, their emotional abuse is often
a symptom of a deeper problem—unhealthy strategies used for self-
protection. When their ego is threatened in some way, narcissists are likely to
employ one or more of these emotionally abusive tactics. • Powering over. This has also been called “power play,” when one
forces their will on another. “This is going to go my way, and that’ s all
there is to it. ”
• Scapegoating. Putting the burden of responsibility onto an innocent
person and placing themselves in the favorable light. “I didn’ t do
anything wrong. It was all their fault. ”
• Minimizing. Treating another as a lesser individual or treating actions
as less severe than they are. “What I did wasn’ t that big of a deal. ”• Playing the victim. Making it seem as if the perpetrator is the one
being wronged instead of the real victim. “Nothing I do is ever good
enough. ”
• Blame shifting. Taking the onus of f the perpetrator of harm and putting
it onto the victim. “It’ s your fault, not mine. I haven’ t done anything
you haven’ t done. ”
• Excuse making. Making supposedly rational explanations for
inexcusable actions, failing to take responsibility for misbehavior. “I
didn’ t mean to do it. It was an accident. ”
• Rage r eactions. Erupting in overt or covert anger—this could take the
form of passive-aggressive actions or outright rage. “This is
intolerable and inexcusable, and I won’ t stand for it. ”
• Stonewalling. Retreating into silence. “I’m not talking to you. ”
• Shunning. Intentionally discontinuing contact with a person because of
dislike for their justifiable actions. “Don’ t ever talk to me again. ”
• Justification. Offering an allegedly reasonable excuse for inexcusable
actions. “What I did is really understandable. Just listen to me. ”
• Rewriting history. Disavowing knowledge for having done a harmful
action. “That’ s not what happened. I remember it completely
different. ”
• Deception. Lying about an action to place themselves in a more
favorable light. “I didn’ t do it. ”
• Gaslighting. Excuses, deflections, and justifications used to take the
focus of f the harmful behavior. “I don’ t remember it that way. I think
you’ve got things all mixed up, which is what you always do. ”
• Magical thinking. Believing everything will work out without any real
effort. “Everything will be fine. W e can work this out. It shouldn’ t be
too hard. I’m sure change will just happen. ”Unfortunately, this is just a partial list of self-protective maneuvers—
defenses—used to guard the faltering ego against any perceived assault. It
is a good starting place though, and one we will refer to again in this book. Trauma Bonding
“Why didn’t I see it. Why didn’ t I listen. How could I fall for such a
man. ” These are the resound ing questions asked by many victims of
emotional abuse. The answers are far more complex than you might think. There is a
dynamic taking place with victim s of abuse that is very concerning and one
that you must understand. The dynamic occurring in most abusive
relationships is trauma bonding. What exactly is trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is a destructive
attachment to someone harmful to us. This super glue attachment occurs
where there is a mixture of good and bad, harm and health. This mixture
can make a victim draw even closer to the one harming her. This occurs in
emotionally abusive relationships in which the victim, being so controlled
by the abuser, also sees him as her rescuer. Trauma bonding  explains how a victim of abuse comes to the defense of
her man. We see it at play in her willingness to protect him even when she
begins to see the abuse. Compo und that with post-traumatic stress disorder
and other chronic stress issues, and the bond becomes nearly impenetrable. The combination of love and disgust, grace and guilt, clarity and confusion,
creates a most powerful adhesive to the relationship and to the abuser. Trauma bonding, combined with the abusive defense tactics used to
preserve and protect the narcissist’ s ego, are lethal to the woman trying to
maintain her emotional footing. A little bit of abuse goes a very long way to
creating confusion in the victim, causing her to seriously question if love
ever truly existed in the relationship. Janene and Vanessa’ s heads are spinning. For as much as they are being
victimized, they are also being told that they are causing their marital
problems, that they are the reason their marriages are not doing well. Remember the power of shame and the desire to keep everything secret. The power of shame is completely debilitating. Their world has been managed and controlled down to meaninglessness. Their world is now filled with confusion as they have increasingly been
defined by someone else—the narcissist. They live in fear, and that fear is
now a defense—a way of copin g. They would feel as if they were risking
everything to let someone see into this world. Subsequently, many victims
live in isolation, afraid to ask for help. Bring the church into the mix, and we might inadvertently further
strengthen the trauma bond. Janene and Vanessa feel conflicted in different
ways about honoring God. Having been told that submission is the key to
living a godly life and that the institution of marriage is paramou nt to a love
relationship, they receive confusing messages and wonder how to heal. Lost in Love
It is time to stop being lost in love. It is time to critically review your
history of falling  in love and be honest with yourself about relationships. It
is impor tant to determine whether your relationships have been healthy and
life-giving or you have given up too much of yourself in the process. Finding your way is about differentiating love from infatuation and
healthy love from insecure dependency. It is about finding your way out of
being lost in love, which leaves you worse than when you started. It is
about gaining knowledge, gettin g clear, and preparing for making healthier
choices. Finding your way is also about learning how you have been
mesmerized, showered with attention and affection, only to feel the pain
and rejection that often follows. You’ve begun to see the dark side of the
narcissist and can be far more mindful going forward. Your wisdom and
insights are going to help you build a wonderful life. The Path Forward
The path forward is far more certain than the path you have been on. You now unders tand whether you are in a trauma bond with your mate. You
no longer have to be lost in love. With this understanding you will be
equipped to move forward with greater confidence. So let’s begin learning about the fragile psyche, the easily wounded boy,
that gives rise to the abusive man. As you understand him and perhaps even
learn to care for him in new ways, you will learn better how to care for
yourself. OceanofPDF. com4
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT. Often, those who bruise easily spend too much time thinking
about themselves. MARIELLA FROSTRUP
I heard the same complaint yet again. “This relationship is making me sick,” Sheila said emphatically. “One
day he’s Mr. Wonderful, and the next day I feel like I’m raising another
little boy. I’m tired of it. ”
I looked over at her husband, Brent, wondering how he’d respond to her
harsh statement. “Why do you say that, Sheila. ” I asked. “He’ s touchy. He’ s irritable. He has to have everything his way or I’m in
trouble. I can’ t live like this. ”
Brent sat silently. “Every woman coming to the Marriage Recovery Center says
something like that. They are tired of tiptoeing around their husbands. Tell
me more. ”
“His moods are unpredictable,” she added. “I never know what to
expect. Will Brent be the kind man who seems to care about me. Or will he
be wrapped up in his world, thinking only about what makes him happy. ”
Brent still sat silently, appearing more annoyed. “I presume you’ve heard this before, Brent,” I said. “Would you like to
comment. ”“I don’t think anything can make her happy,” he said gruffly. “I work
hard and come home tired. If I’m not Mr. Happy, she gets upset. She’s the
one with the moods if you ask me. ”
“I do like your good moods, Brent,” she said. “But the point is I don’t
know when your mood is going  to turn. So I’m just as fearful of the good
times because I know it’ s going to end soon. It always does. ”
Brent shrugged and turned away. “Nothing I say is going to help. ”
“You could say something, Brent,” she said. “I’d like you to at least
acknowledge that we’re talking about you. We’re talking about our
marriage. ”
“I don’t know what to say,” he said. “You’re not happy, but what about
me. I’m not sure I can make you happy anymore. ”
“I’ve told you, Brent,” she said angrily. “That’ s why we’re separated. ”
We continued on with the first session, talking about what led to Sheila
and Brent’s separation. Sheila had finally had enough. She was tired of
trying to anticip ate his moods. She was tired of Brent’ s short temper, never
knowing what would upset him. Most important, Sheila was tired of trying
to fit into Brent’ s life. She was weary of changing her behavi or to fit the
mold he expected her to fit into. She was losing her life one small piece at a
time. “Do you understand what she is saying, Brent.
The author advises Janene to seek professional counsel and support from wise friends, and to thoroughly examine her situation before making any decisions.
What is the author's advice to Janene about her situation?
The author believes that the church often unintentionally reinforces abusive behavior by not addressing the issue and instead encouraging victims to "hang in there" and pray for their abuser.
What is the author's opinion on the role of the church in addressing emotional abuse?
The author believes that the church often inadvertently enables abusive behavior by staying silent and not addressing the issue, and that it's crucial to change this approach.
What is the author's perspective on the church's role in addressing emotional abuse?
The author advises Sheila to stand firm and set boundaries, and encourages her to take control of her life and not enable her husband's abusive behavior.
What is the author's advice to Sheila, who is struggling with emotional abuse?
The author believes that many therapists are ill-equipped to deal with the trauma and lack understanding of narcissistic abuse, which is why it's essential to seek out a professional who has experience in this area.
What is the author's opinion on the role of therapists in addressing narcissistic abuse?