Begin to experience empowerment as you move
through the emotions associated  with your losses. When you grieve your
losses, you begin the healing process. You continue your healin g when you
sit with an understanding soul who grieves with you. Then move from small to tall. Reenter life. Move from withd rawn to
engagement in life and share your incredible story . Define yourself not by
your pain but by your courage and the process of reclaiming your life. The Path Forward
We have talked about growing smaller because of narcissistic and
emotional abuse . Growing smaller is the result of being repeate dly toweredover, being told you were inferi or, and having those feelings of inferiority
settle into your self-identity . We further explored the power of crazy making, the debilitating impact
of brain fog, and how that contributes to the loss of your self. Finally , we explored the path of reclaiming your life, not living as a
victim but rather as one who embraces life and is empowered by it. As we move into the final section of the book, “Recoverin g from
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse,” we will see how change begins—with
you. OceanofPDF .comPART 3
RECOVERING FROM NARCISSISTIC
AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
OceanofPDF .com10
CHANGE BEGINS WITH YOU
Listen, I tell you a mystery: W e will not all sleep, but we will all
be changed . 1 CORINTHIANS 15:51
It was the perfect home. Christie and I had spent time researching where to build our dream
home. I studied precipitation maps and found a perfect location  that caught
part of the rain shadow , meaning  we would get less than half the rainfall of
Seattle. Located on Hood Canal with majestic views of the Olympic Mountains,
we were thrilled as we considered a new life with waterfront property . We
imagined our lives filled with digging clams and beachcombing. Christie and I spent hours with an architect designing our home, hoping
ultimately to create a bed and breakfast. We pored over plans, week after
week, settling finally on the perfect layout for a house and attached cottage. It even had a crow’ s nest for me to write in. We settled into building the house, which became a bit of an
undertaking. Building rarely goes as planned, and this project hit snag after
snag with carpenters, electrici ans, and roofers. Two years later, after
numerous delays, we finally moved in. After getting settled, our home  and cottage decorated beautifully by
Christie, we were ready for business. We were prepared with a name—Hood Canal Guest House—and  lovely brochures. We had even  joined the
chamber of commerce. All systems go. The guests came and went, all delighted with Christie’ s hospita lity and
the incredible setting. I sat back with visions of a nice moneymaking
venture. Fast-forward a year . “I don’t think I’m happy having people come and go in our home,”
Christie said one evening. “What do you mean?” I asked incredulously . “This is what we planned. You designed this house and cottage and wanted a bed and breakfast. This
is exactly what you wanted.”
“It’s what I thought  I wanted,” she stated emphatically . “I’m just not so
sure anymore.”
“It’s just going to take some getting used to,” I said. “What can I do to
help make it work?”
“That’ s the point,” she said. “I don’t think there is anything to make it
work. I don’ t think I want to have a bed and breakfast anymore.”
“Wow,” I said. “This is not good. We have spent a fortune getting this
place up and running, Christie.”
“But I’m not happy ,” she said. “I want to move.”
I was not pleased and walked out of the room. After a chilly evening,
she approached me the next day . “Do you want to talk about the house?” she said. “Fine,” I replied, still struggling to wrap my head around the possibility
of having built a bed and breakfast and now Christie didn’ t want to live
there. We spent the next few months arguing, talking, arguing, and talking. I
must admit I wasn’t always pleasant about it. I didn’ t want to change
directions. I didn’ t want to consider moving after saving money , spending
two years building, and preparing to run the bed and breakfast. Christie didn’ t sway from her desire. She wanted to move. She wanted
to live in a much smaller home without guests coming and going. She
wanted to live in a cottage. She didn’ t want to live at work. I didn’t adjust easily , but I did finally adjust, moving past my initial
fears and concerns. I finally realized that change is difficult and requirescompromise and struggle. I realized that facing truths, no matter how
challenging they are, leads to ultimate freedom. I’m happy (now) to say we live in a lovely cottage, half the size of our
former home. We are both delighted in our lifestyle, the compromises we
both had to make, and the adjustments needed to get here. You are facing changes much bigger than mine, but you can do it. You
know the difficulties of facing hard truths. Change requires us to let go of
what we have and stretching toward what we want. If we do that, we can
get where we want to go. Let’s work together and consider change. Let’s understand the fear of
making changes, the dread that comes with it, and the exhilaration of
reaching the other side. Stages of Change
During those times when I become critical of myself for my slowness in
making change, I remind myself I’m doing the best I can. I’ve always done
the best I could with the amount of information I had at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 of course, and we can all second-guess ourselves
over our past decisions with the knowledge we have today . It takes great
fortitude not to do that and inste ad to look toward the future. We have today
—that’ s all. We can critically  review whether we are living today the way we want,
considering we don’t want to look back with regrets. We all have the power
to move beyond our past and into our future. Of course, we must do even more than that. We must be intentional
about how we move into whatever future we’re granted, and that is what
this chapter is about. We will learn as much as we can about our life,
making wise choices that will bring us closer to the person God wants us to
be. Know that God wants you to thrive, not just survive. To help you
consider how you want to move  from victim to survivor to one who thrives,
you must know how to change. To move from an abused individual to one
fully engaged in life, you must reflect on the process of change. How will
you most ef fectively prepare for the new life you can have going forward?The way to make changes in your life is to first understand how change
occurs. Marc Perry , in his article “Five Stages of Change Model: Which
Stage Are You In?,” lists five stages of change.1 He has identified some
well-accepted stages to chang e you can use to measure your growth. Consider where you are in the change process and where you’d like to be. Precontemplation
People in this stage don’t want to make any change to their habits and
don’t recognize there is a problem. They live in that nether world of denial,
which aptly stands for Don’ t Even Notice I Am L ying (to myself). Y ou have
undoubtedly met people who live in this world. Seeing only what needs to
change in others, never thinking  there are changes to be made in their own
lives, their myopic view makes them nearly impossible to be around. Living in denial, of course, keeps you absolutely stuck. We can’t change
what we don’t own, and we don’t own what we can’t see. We can’t see what
we are not brave enough to explore. Change requires the courage to open
your eyes and look critically at your life. As long as you are unwilling to do
this, positive change is impossible. Having moved beyond this stage, I looked back at all the excuses I
made for not changing. I remembered the blame I placed on my wife,
failing to honestly look in the mirror and see my own behavior . Contemplation
During this next stage, you weigh the costs and benefits of behavior and
lifestyle change. Here you have the gnawing feeling that something needs
to change, perhaps even noting your world is not working as you would
like. You consid er change, but this is not enough to truly make changes. People can remain in this stage for years. I rationa lized, minimized, and found creative ways to convince myself
my life was working. I repeatedly lied to myself, telling myself everything
would be fine in spite of Christie’ s protests. I used denial as long as
possible, clinging to a life I wanted. I was afraid of change. PreparationPeople in this stage have made the mental shift and are ready to change. They’ve set an appointment with a personal trainer , psych ologist, or
nutritionist—whoever can help them reach their goals. They  develop a
concrete action plan and a schedule for carrying it out. They may even
establish someone who will hold them accountable to carry out their plan. In my case, a final convicting and convincing conversation with my
wife nudged me over the edge. It was the umpteenth conversation, taking
place after much damage had been done to both of us emotionally . Regardless, I was finally ready . Action
In this stage you are engaged in the process of change. You are
exercising more, eating healthier , or taking the plunge in setting healthier
boundaries in your relationships . You have crossed the threshold. No longer
paralyzed in denial and frightened about the prospect of change, you are
excited about the new possibilities. I decided to make the move. I decided having a happy wife was far
better than living in that locatio n. It was time for a new adven ture. It was
time for me to swallow my pride and face the truth of the situa tion. It was
time to move. Maintenance
In this stage you are engag ed in successful, sustained lifestyle
maintenance. You have blended positive habits into your lifestyle. You
guard, manage, and maintain boundaries that took some time to set. My maintenanc e program means I listen more to my wife. It means
future decisions are made much more collaboratively and at times, in
submission to her . It’s Really Up to Y ou
Kathryn—Kat to her friends—was struggling to believe her life was her
own to do with as she chose. Nearing 50 and feeling discouraged about the
life she had lost, she felt like a victim. Trapped in feelings of helplessness
for so long, deciding her future was really up to her was a challengingbridge to cross. She had tried to stir up the courage to make changes within
her marriage but hadn’ t experienced significant results. “How can you tell me I have freedom of choice?” she asked angrily . “That’ s easy for you to say. You haven’ t lived with an overbearing man for
25 years. Y ou haven’ t been beaten down and had your life stolen from you.”
“You’re right, Kat,” I said. “I can’t really know what it’s been like for
you. I’d like to hear more.”
“It’s been impossible, like losing your life one inch at a time,” she said. “There hasn’ t been a single day that I have felt fully encouraged to be who I
am. I don’ t think you or anyone can really understand.”
“I agree , Kat,” I said. “I really  can’t truly understand. I have n’t been
beaten down for 25 years. I haven’ t had my life dominated. I haven’ t
experienced long-term depression. But I have had some life experiences
that give me perspective. I want to escort you across the bridge  of change. Even though it’ s scary , it’s worth the journey .”
Kat lightened, perhaps feeling a hint of hope. “I’ve been thinking about my options for a long time,” she said. “I used
to think I would  be trapped forever, but I have a glimmer of faith. It has
helped talking to you and some women who are reclaiming their lives. I
have been part of an online wom en’s forum that has given me some hope. It’s still scary to think about major changes.”
“It won’ t be easy ,” I said. “I sometimes think I make it sound easier than
it is. Change is a process, with stages. Each stage has its own challenges. But others have made the trans ition, and so can you. Others have found a
way to face their fears, become empowered, and revitalize their lives. I
know you can too.”
Kat seemed unmoved by my words. While I have fought my own
battles, none seem to match the battle women face when trying to reclaim a
life taken from them by a narcissist or emotionally abusive man. I reflected
again on how exhausted many women feel and how the task of recapturing
their lives can be daunting. As challenging as they can be, we must all navigate our way through
difficult changes . We dare not become too paralyzed by the status quo. We
must move through stages of precontemplation, contemplation, preparation,
action, and maintenance. We all must face reality and take the necessary
tasks before us.“It is up to you,” I said to Kat firmly . “You will have to seek supportive
people. If you look hard enough, there are many who can give you support,
applauding as you navigate the frightening process of change. But we can’t
do it for you.”
“I know ,” she said. “I’ve though t about it long enough. It’s time to take
action, and I know the action I want to take. I want to leave Jed for a month. I want to give him some time to think about what I’ve been complaining
about and am ready to insist upon. I can no longer live with his temper . I
can’t live with him overpower ing me and stealing my voice. It has to
change, and it’s going to take me leaving for a time for him to take me
seriously .”
I was a bit surprised—she hadn’ t seemed ready for such a bold move. She must have been making unseen progress, tackling unseen hurdles, and
readying herself  for the action phase of change. Listening to other women
talk about making changes had undoubtedly helped her . “I have a sister in Phoenix who has been scolding me,” she said. “She
wants me to leave Jed and make it clear that he has to enter into counseling
before I come back. She’s been tough on me, and I needed that. I know I
need to do this now . I’m ready to do it.”
“This is a big step,” I said. “But it’ s time,” she said. “I’ve got to do this.”
“Okay ,” I said. “Let’ s talk about a few things you can expect as you
move forward with this.”
“Sounds good,” she said. Resistance to Change
Kat had obviously considered her earlier resistance to change. She
shared that she had walked through her fears about what Jed was likely to
do when she left. She had played the move over in her mind a hundred
times and was prepared for any number of possibilities. “He is not going to like this,” she said. “First he’ll be mad. Really
angry . I’m not sure what kind of retaliation he’ll take, but he’ll do
something. He might cut me off financially . I’m sure he’ll tell our friends
I’m the bad guy . He’ s going to get everyone on his side. Poor Jed.”“Yes. Many men make all kinds  of threats,” I said. “They usually make
threats in an effort to regain control. When they realize that you are serious,
that their threats aren’ t working, most relinquish control. Not without a
fight though.”
She nodded. “I can handle it,” she said. “He won’ t like it one bit, but I’m prepared to
face his anger . It’s not going to stop me. I’ve got my support group, and the
women there are encouraging me. I finally have got a strong network of
friends who will stand by me.”
We discussed how it was perfec tly normal for Jed to resist change. No
one makes significant changes  without some resistance. This is to be
expected. Resistance is a natural part of the change process. If you understand this
and expect it, you are likely to tolerate the stress of it better . When you
realize that you resisted change, you are better able to understand that he
will resist change too. He has to go through the same process you have gone
through. We don’t leap into change. We inch into it, sometimes kicking and
screaming. Why  should we expe ct anything less from a man whose world is
about to be turned upside down? Kat and I discus sed how her husband had to go through the process of
resistance. Resistance—actually a stage of grieving—is a necessary step
toward ultimate acceptance and change. “He will have to see and feel that you mean business,” I said. “It will be
natural for him to resist your change and push back. It’s worke d before, so
why not now? He’ll test you to see if you mean business. Expec t him to try
to bargain with you, offering a token of change. At that point it is critical
that you not accept anything less than what you need. You will never have
more influence than when you leave and he is left floundering.”
“What do you mean?” she asked. “What I have seen thousands of times is that when women become
strong and courageous enough  to leave, their mate feels threatened and
struggles to regain control. If they cannot regain control they may act
erratically . Your husband may become angrier . However , when  he realizes
you are not going to back down , he will likely come to the stark realization
that the only path is through  the problem, not around it. The only path for
him is to squarely face what you are insisting upon. Change. Now .”Kat sat silently . Her conviction seemed to crumble. “Am I doing the right thing?” She looked suddenly scared. She was going through very natural doubts and fears, reconsidering her
course of action. Taking the leap of change nearly always comes with
doubts. We cannot fully predic t what will happen, and it’s a lot easier to
cling to the world we know rather than face the one we don’ t.
“I can’t tell you what is right or wrong, Kat,” I said. “You need to act on
your own convictions. This is a time to listen carefully to the Lord and His
promptings. Do you have peace about your decision?”
“I have thought a lot about the Scripture that says, ‘The peace of God,
which transcend s all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in
Christ Jesus.’”
“Yes,” I said. “That is a great promise.”
“Do you think what I’m doing is sound?” she asked. “Your path does seem very soun d,” I said. “You have thought long and
prayed hard about this. What you have told me you want and need is
healthy . I support what you are doing.”
Kat had reached the point of no return. Though frightened and
concerned, she was ready to move forward. She would never likely feel 100
percent certain of her decision. Who ever is? But she had reached critical
mass, the tipping point, where she had to move forward. The Fear of Change
Kat was in the preparation stage  of change. She had gone through years
of preco ntemplation and month s of contemplation, and now she was in
preparation and soon would be ready to move into the action phase of
change. It is not unusua l, when facing monumental change, to fear unknown
outcomes. We can control ourselves, but we can never control how another
will act. While Kat knew Jed well, she could not predict whether he was
going to fly into a rage, threaten to withhold money , or perha ps even use
intimidation to get her to come back. I’ve seen it all during my career . I’ve seen men become enraged that
their mate would have the auda city to leave them. I’ve seen men bar the
door, empty the bank account, and make wild threats to regain control.I’ve also seen men attempt to negotiate a deal. They bargain, hoping
that if they give a little, it will be enough. They offer to go to a little
counseling. They promise to see a pastor , all the while trying to maintain
control of their lives. Most hate—and I don’t use that word lightly—to see
their mate regain power over their life. Abusive men have learned to use power in their lives. They have
learned whom they can manipu late and who cannot be manipu lated. Once
they have garnered power , they resist giving it away . They feel threatened
when their mate begins to take control of their life. Many men view their wives’ transformative actions as rebellion. Those
especially steeped in conservative Christian beliefs may label this grasp
toward freedom  as rebellion against them and against God. They use
Scripture to regain control, and in many situations these actions are
effective. This kind of power and control often reinforces anxiety and fear
in women trying to change. When a woman does not back down, standing firmly with her
convictions, most men realize they are facing a different person, one with
much greater resolve, convic tion, and courage than in years past. Ultimately , if the woman makes changes in a healthy and respectful manner ,
most men come face-to-face with their own immaturity . Not always, but
often. I’m certainly not saying men will give in to change without a fuss. But
when faced with significant consequences, such as the ultimate risk of loss
of their mate, many men agree to participate in a change process. No Mor e Victim
Kat was finally embracing change. She had turned the corner and no
longer saw herself as a victim. For Kat to embrace change, she had to turn
away from ident ifying herself as a victim and see herself as a survivor . She
realized, as do you, that change was fully up to her. Jed was not likely to
help her, and friends could be fickle. It was up to her. Are you ready to
consider this path? Sadly , if you have been victimiz ed for any period of time, it is common
to begin to identify with being a victim. As strange as this may sound, you
may wrap your identity around being victimized. You may look in themirror and only see someone who has been deeply hurt, having forgotten
the strong fighter that is within you. There is a unique passage of Scripture where Jesus gets angry . He sees
the money changers in the temple and seems disgusted that they would
defile the temple of God in this way . His actio ns seem  a bit surprisin g because in the Sermon on the Mount,
He speaks out against anger . In fact, He says that someone with malice in
their heart is like a murderer . How is it then that He allows himself to get so
angry? The answer is that He is righteo usly indignant. He speaks out strongly
against something that is completely wrong. He will not stand by while the
Pharisees take advantage of travelers and desecrate the holy place. How does this apply to you? You too must protect your holy place. You
are a temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19). You, like Jesus, must
become righteously indignant toward anyone who would desecrate your
temple. You must become a strong advocate of your self. You must stand up
and protect your self. Only after you access this place of conviction within you can you rise
up and set boundaries. You must no longer tolerate abuse. You will no
longer identify yourself as a victim, but rather as someone who overcomes
adversity—a true survivor . Can you find that place of conviction? Can you
envision yourself as someone worthy of respect, refusing to be abused in
any way? In the previous chapter , I asked you to think about who you were before
the abuse began. That may have been so long ago that it is hard to find that
person now . However , it is critical that you do. The Power of Choice
Kat found that place of righteous indignation. Though frightened, she
had a sense of conviction that her decision was right for her. She also
understood that Jed had to decide for himself how his future would go. Would he remain stuck, or would he choose change? Both Kat and Jed came face-to-face with one of the greatest truths of
humankind: Each of us has the power of choice. Though facing changefrom different perspectives, both Kat and Jed had all the rights and
responsibilities that come with the power of choice. God certainly had a creative plan in mind when He gave humanity the
power of choice. This is a profound opportunity . Scripture clearly  spells out the possibilities: “This day I call the heavens
and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death,
blessings and curses. Now , choo se life, so that you and your children may
live” (Deuteronomy 30:19). Wow! We have the choice of life and blessings if we will only access
them. T o access that life, however , we must make wise choices. Throughout history we have been given the ability to make choices. As
we all know , we make good choices and bad ones. We make choices that
lead to a healt hy life and others that are destructive, leading to poor
physical and emotional health. The apostle Paul reminds us about the impact of our choices. “Whoever
sows to please their flesh, from  the flesh will reap destructio n; whoever
sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life” (Galatians
6:8). This Scripture gives me both pause and encouragement. The apostle
Paul is saying that if I make decisions based on my selfish, prideful nature,
the results will be disastrous. If, however , I make decisions based on the
work of the Spirit of God in me, I will reap eternal, wonderful rewards. These words offer encouragement to take chances based upon this
principle. You have the power to make good, godly , relational choices. God
has given you the power to make decisions that will have long-lasting, life-
enhancing consequences. This is also where faith comes into play. If we truly believe in those
words of the apostle Paul—that sowing to please the Spirit leads to reaping
true life—we can move forward with confidence. During these very
difficult times, as you make life-altering decisions, take confidence in
knowing that you can make good, godly decisions that lead to a blessed life. Seeking W isdom
As you enter your season of change, I cannot emphasize enough the
importance of seeking wise counsel. You cannot travel this path alone. Justas Kat had her sister and a support group to fall back on, so you need some
people who will traverse this path with you. There are a growing number of women gathering together to offer one
another courage and strength. There is a groundswell of dissatisfied women
who need one another and are ready to receive and give support. On nearly
a daily basis women call me, asking for opportunities for support and
counsel, and we have developed a comprehensive program of treatment and
support to meet this need. The need for wise counsel and support is great. Why is support so critical? 1. You will face significant challenges . Few can fully understand the
challenges you have faced and will face in the future. While few
understand the nature of chronic abuse, those who have been there
can of fer support that others cannot give. 2. You will doubt yourself . As you prepare to make changes, you will
doubt yourself. Often your perpetrator will question your choices,
resulting in you doubting yourself. Support can mitigate this damage
and raise your confidence. 3. You may be abused on a gr eater level . As you make positive, critical
changes, you may face resistance and perhaps even be abused on a
greater level. Feeling threatened, your perpetrator may become even
more hostile toward you. Y ou must prepare for this, and support will
help you set needed boundaries on this abuse. 4. You will gain wisdom fr om others . Others have been where you are
today and can of fer perspective. Others have faced ridicule, threats,
gaslighting, and bullying, and they can share their experience,
strength, and hope. Y ou will gain wisdom from them. 5. You need a cir cle of friends . Finally , you can form a new circle of
friends who know what you are going through. These friends, some
of whom you may never actually meet, will share a comradery known
only by those sharing similar experiences.These powerful suggestions will lead you out of hiding and into the
loving care of those who understand you. They will help you face your
fears of feeling foolish, insecur e, or confused. There are many ready and
waiting for you to join them. Giving Up on Black and White
Talk-show perso nalities (constra ined to fit their conversation into a one-
time, limited time slot) usually offer black-and-white counsel, suggesting
there is a right way to do things and a wrong way. Many unknowing
individuals do too. Job’s friends were black-and-white thinkers. Your mate
likely thinks in terms of black and white as well. Most of your choices and critical issues will not be black and white. There are few circumstances where black-and-white thinking is helpful. Life is complex, and certainly your history of abuse has many layers. Be
wary of those who of fer simplistic, black-and-white answers. Kat shared the following story with me:
“It took me a long time to realize there were no easy answers. Some of
my friends told me to just leave Jed. They’d say that if he was that bad I
should just get out. Then frien ds from the church would say I had no
biblical grounds  to leave him. It didn’ t matter to them how I was feeling or
what was happening in my home. It made me crazy . I knew the pain and
damage I felt. Their counsel felt really dismissive.”
“Life is rarely black and white,” I said. “I have worked with enough
women and narcissistic men to know that your life is complex—and your
husband is complex too.”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s so confusing. Jed is not all bad, and he’s certainly
not all good. I’m not ready for divorce, but I can’t continue with the abuse. A lot of people want to lump him and me into a black-and-white  box, where
answers are simple. I have come to hate that kind of simplistic approach to
life. There are a lot of grays in this world.”
“Yes, there are,” I af firmed. “I learned who understands and who doesn’ t by the counsel they give,”
she said. “If they offer me simple, two-step approaches, I know they
haven’ t got a clue. And I don’t want anyone giving me counsel if they don’tunderstand emotional abuse,” she said, agitation showing on her face. “I
can’t take it. It hurts far more than it helps.”
“I couldn’ t agree more,” I said. “I feel the same way about working with
the men. If you haven’ t worked with these men, seeing both their strengths
and weaknesses, then be careful what you say .”
Kat nodded. Living in Ambiguity
I have a confession to make at this point in the book. I’m not always
sure about what I’m talking about. Like those I counsel, both men and women, I live with ambiguity . I live
with grays rather than blacks and whites. I’m not always sure about the best
course of treatment. I’m not always 100 percent certain whether to
encourage a woman to stay and see if he changes or run for the hills to find
peace and sanity . I’m just not sure. You know the feeling. Y ou’re not always sure either . I recent ly received a scathing email from a narcissistic man I’d
counseled. He was angry about the work I’d done with him. He challenged
my work with him and the way I’d confronted him. He didn’ t like the
confrontation and felt I’d sided with his wife. This broken rapport adds to my feelings of ambiguity and uncertainty . It is tempting to say he is the only one to blame. I’d like to say his
criticism of me must have been completely born out of a narciss istic wound
from my confrontation. Perhaps it’ s true. Perhaps not. He is wounded, to be sure. I may never know exactly why. I feel self-
doubt. I thought  I did good work and thought we had a good rapport. I did
confront him on a number of fronts, however , and he is very unhappy with
me. Was I too tough ? Was I disresp ectful at some level? Did I press in too
hard or step on his toes too rigorously? I’ll never know . I live with
uncertainty and ambiguity . Can you relate? You probably doubt yourself too. You too probably wonder if you have
pushed too hard or tiptoed too long. You know the feeling of wondering
about your choices.Your path of healing, and mine for the work I do, must include an
ability to accept ambiguity . Our paths are not paved and smooth. They are
rough and rocky , rutted and strewn with debris. Savoring Moments of Peace
Scripture tells us, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you
free” (John 8:32). I’ve always wished this verse added, “But not before going through
struggle.”
Yes, that’ s more like it. Freedom isn’ t the only thing you will experience
from the truth, but also angst and anxiety . Ask Kat if she is feeling free as
she prepares to leave her husband to stay with her sister . Ask me if I felt
freedom as I prepared to leave the home I loved for an uncertain change. So, what do we do? We savor moments of peace. What do I mean by
this? I mean that we must vigorously seek places of peace. Those places
and moments will be dif ferent for everyone. These moments of peace bring clarity—a respite from the storms of
relationships. They allow us to feel God’ s presence, sensing whether we are
moving in the right direction. They bring conviction about needed change. I find comfort in reciting Psalm 23: “The LORD is my shepherd, I shall
not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside
quiet waters. He restores my soul” (verses 1-3 NASB ). Ahhhh. This was the passage of Scripture I chose to meditate on for several
days during a quiet retreat some years ago. Sitting alone in an austere room
with only a bed and desk, I sat quietly hour after hour. Free from  electronic
devices or connections to the outside world, I retreated. Just God and me,
seeking peace together . What are those moments and places for you? Where are the places that
restore your soul? Some people find God in the mountains, while others are
water people. Some find peace in a gathering of like-minded friends, and
others gain respite by being alone. It doesn’ t matter what your place of
peace looks like—only that you find it. The Path ForwardWe have talked about how change begins with you. We’ve seen that you
have the power and responsibility to make your own choices and that those
choices will bring life and health or challenges and dif ficulty . These are strong words but true. This is your one, beautiful life, and you
can make anything of it. If you embrace the adversity you have
experienced, you can use it to make yourself stronger . None of your
troubling experiences have been wasted. You are stronger and wiser than
you were in the past. Y ou are ready for change. Perhaps the most important concept of this chapter has to do with
attitude. You can choose to no longer identify with your pain, as great as it
has been. You can now identi fy with strength, conviction, and positive
change. How will you choose? You are different now than you were when you
began your healing journey . You are stronger , wiser , and better equipped to
make changes. Y ou can do it. Now let’s find out how you can embrace truth and allow it to set you
free. OceanofPDF .com11
THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE
A lie can travel halfway ar ound the world while the truth is still
putting on its shoes . MARK TW AIN
It will forever be in my wife’ s mind as the worst sailing adven ture ever. Not just a series  of mistakes on my part, but a colossal failure that placed
both Christie and me in peril. Armed only with arrogance and pride, I figured I didn’ t need to
understand compass navigation, maps, boat mechanics, tides, and currents
or distances to move my new sailboat from Olympia to Harstine Island in
the south Puget Sound. I figured navigating on water was just like
navigating on land. Right? Wrong! W ildly foolish and even reckless. On a cold day in November , I coaxed my wife out of our warm home
into a chilly car and finally into our freezing 25-foot sailboat. We had to
wait a couple hours to leave because there was ice on the water in the cove
where the boat was moored. “Are you sure you know where we’re going?” Christie asked anxiously . “I don’ t feel good about this.”
“Sure,” I said. “We’re heading north, turning right, and then navigating
around Harstine Island. We should be able to get to Jarrell’ s Cove before
dark.”
“Are you sure?” she again asked, distrusting my glib response.“Yes, babe,” I said. “I know what I’m doing.”
In retrospect, this was a lie. It was self-deceit of the highest order . I
cultivated an attitude that serve d only myself. I was reckless, foolish, and
prideful. My confidence heading out of the Olympia harbor quickly gave way to
mild panic I did not want Christ ie to see. My boat plowed through the water
at a sluggish five knots per hour, far below my original calculat ions. Rather
than taking two hours to get out into open water , it took four. I was behind
schedule from the start. Any experienced sailor knows exactly how much gasoline they have on
board. They know exactly where all the harbors are to refuel. They know
the distance to the destinatio n. They understand their charts and are
prepared for a variety of dangerous possibilities that might occur . I knew  none of those things. My preparation was stubborn
determination, ignorance, and magical thinking—not a good combination
for a dif ficult navigation. Needless to say, we motored well into the night. Christie became
rightfully annoyed. Only after my ignorance was totally apparent did I
admit to Christie that I was unsure where we were. There were no neon
signs on the water directing us, no warning lights on land to guide us. We
were cold, tired, and hungry , and I was afraid of running out of gas. With a bruised ego, I prayed. Fortunately , God was with us. After
motoring all day and into the night, we accidentally landed upon a buoy
where we moored. When the sun rose the next morning, I was able to figure
out our position and motor to a safe ending. We no longer have a sailboat. What is the moral of my story ? Ignorance and stubborn pride nearly
caused a disaste r for Christie and me. Facing the truth of the situation from
the beginning would have set us free from near calamity . It’s critical to have
the right information to make the right decision. The truth— knowledge
about navigation—would have created a much more pleasant journey . So it is for you. Believing lies spells disaster for you, but the truth will
set you on the right course for healing and well-being. Howeve r, you must
first be willing to face the truth . You must look deeply and courageously
into yourself for any deception or misguided feeling. The truth will set you
free only if you face it and embrace it. That is what this chapter is about.The Lies Y ou Believe
Believing what we want to believe feels good, but it does not help us. We may temporarily convince ourselves of something, but in the end this
denial of truth only hurts us. Though you and I have likely never met, there is something about you
that I already know: You are tempted to believe lies. You convin ce yourself
of things that are not true. You see a shred of evidence and believe it to be
the whole truth. How do I know this? I know this because you cannot live with a narcissistic and emotional
abuser without being indoctrinated into his “spin.” Remember that
emotional abuse is largely a defensive effort at self-protection, filled with
lies. He lies to himself and to you. I also know this because you would not be reading this book and
seeking healing if you weren’ t following a path of pain. You have been
deceived and must now face truth. And not just one truth, but perhaps many
different truths. Before you can face the truth, however , you must admit to believ ing lies
and learn to fully understand them. With that, let’s consider some of the
common lies abused women believe. You Should Be Ashamed
Aubrey Sampso n, in her articl e “The Most Dangerous Lies Women
Believe,” says women struggl e with two main lies—that they aren’ t
sufficient, and that they should feel ashamed of themselves for something. She shares that many women struggle constantly with the shame-based
feeling that they should be something other than who they are.1
Just as Adam and Eve hid their shame behind fig leaves, so many
women continue  to hide parts of themselves, believing the lie that part of
them is too shameful to be revea led.2 This has certain ly been what I’ve seen
with the thousan ds of abused women I’ve counseled. They hide the fact that
they are in an abusive relationship, which further intensifies their feelings
of shame, creating a vicious cycle. Shame causes hiding and hiding causes
shame. It has been said that we are only as sick as our secrets. Just as shame
gains power in hiding, shame begins to dissipate when brought into the lightof God’s truth. By owning sham eful feelings and sharing them with others
(along with other secrets you’ve been keeping), and by inviting God in with
truth, you break the power of shame. To experience truth, however , you
must be courageous enough to expose your shame. Herein lies the power of suppo rt. As we express our vulnerability and
shame, the secrets become open  to truth. Allowing other women to speak
into your life will bring incredible healing. Lies cannot exist next to the
truth. When we bring our sham e to God, He transforms it into radiance
(Psalm 34:5). This Is As Good As It Gets
Here’ s another lie many wome n believe: If you temporarily separate
from an abusive man, you and your children will suffer endlessly . While
certainly any separation will cause distress, staying with an unchanging,
narcissistic, and emotionally abusive man will cause greater harm. The truth is that appropriate help and support are available, and with
them, you will rebound. The separation may also be the impetus  he needs to
change. So don’t be paralyzed by fear, but rather take courage and immerse
yourself in truth. You Got What Y ou Deserve
A final lie I want to discuss is that you don’t deserve to have your own
ideas or preferences. Of course , most abusive men won’ t admit to being
controlling. They will rarely own that they talk over you, but they do. They
rarely admit being defensive, but they are. He says he wants you to think  your own thoughts, to have your own
preferences. But when your preferences come face-to-face with his, his will
win out every time. Subsequen tly, you feel smaller , and the only way to
regain yourself is to rediscover who you are and cultivate your sense of self. All this may sound terribly selfish. It isn’t. In fact, your life is both
connected to him and separate from him. Yet you are responsible for caring
for your self, and this is healthy . GullibilityCynthia was an accomplished musician, playing violin for a major city
orchestra. As if that were not enough, she also practiced law part-time. Additionally , she and her husband, Daniel, were raising eight-year -old twin
boys and were active in their church. To say that Cynt hia had her plate full would be an understateme nt. Still,
she appeared to do it all with relative ease. She had always been a high
achiever , and her life reflected that. It looked to everyone who knew them
that she had the perfect life. Not all was going smoothly , however . Her marriage was slowly
disintegrating. She hadn’ t even  realized when she’d begun spending less
time with her husband and more time at her other activities. She came to see
me because she noticed herse lf becoming increasingly unha ppy in her
marriage. She had asked her husband to join her in counseling, but he’d
refused. “It’s hard for me to be here,” she said. “I’ve always prided myself in
being able to handle things. I was taught to be in control of my life and my
emotions.”
“Well,” I said after hearing about parts of her life, “you’ve certainly
done that. What isn’ t working?”
“I feel myself slipping away from Daniel, my husband,” she said. “I’m
not even sure I love him anymore. We do fine raising our sons and being
involved in our community . But I don’t feel close to him. I suppose this
sounds foolish.”
“No, it doesn’ t at all,” I said. “T ell me more about your marriage.”
“There isn’t really much to tell,” she said. “He annoys me and
sometimes scares me. He’s always irritable, demanding, and selfish. I can’t
stand it. Originally I thought he would grow out of it, but that hasn’ t
happened.”
“Grow out of it?” I asked. “I know  that sounds strange,” she continued. “Yes, I thought he would
grow up. He’s like a third child . His temper tantrums are worse than our
boys’. He barks at me when he’s upset. He embarrasses me. I hate it. I
thought he would stop it at some point.”
She paused and seemed to consider what she was saying. “I assumed he would see how badly he behaves and just stop it,” she
said. “I guess that was naive on my part. Now I tiptoe around him. Or evenworse, I avoid him and stop relating to him. Am I fooling myse lf about this
relationship working?”
“Possibly ,” I said. “Men will act immaturely if they can. They often
continue with bad behavior if they get away with it. Not all men, mind you,
but many . What have you done to indicate your unhappiness?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I just take care of things. I don’ t want other people
to see what’ s going on. I overfunction and he underfunctions. But I’m
feeling resentful, gullible, and taken advantage of.”
“Yes,” I said. “That seems to be the theme of your marriage.”
Codependency
Can you sense the lies Cynthia has been telling herself? Can you see
how she has painted herself into a corner and has taught Daniel that he can
mistreat her? Of course, that was not her intent but rather a result of her
own fears and codependency . Cynthia seemed  to overfunction and act codependently—losing  herself
to him, becomi ng smaller as he became larger. She overfunctioned by
carrying the weight of responsibility in her marriage while Daniel acted
immaturely . She was functioning codependently by avoiding these issues
rather than facing them, and it was beginning to take an enormous toll on
her. Here’ s a good definition of code pendency: seeing a weakness in another
and ignoring it, thereby enabling and reinforcing it. Let’s break this down, one part at a time, and consider how your life
may be impacted by codependency . Seeing a weakness but ignoring  it. When Cynthia was brutally honest
with herself, she admitted she was ignoring Daniel’ s immaturity . Deep
within she secretly knew she was putting up with behavior she loathed. She
knew she was tolerating behavio r that was belittling to her. Yet for complex
reasons, she ignored these truths. Enabling that weakness . Ignoring these truths caused Cynthia to enable
his weaknesses. She feared intervening and doing her part to bring an end to
his abusive behavior . She enable d his abusive behavior primarily because of
fear that something worse would happen to her .Reinfor cing that weakness . Seeing  his weaknesses and ignoring them,
thereby enablin g them, led to reinforcing them. Cynthia was actually
creating space for her husband’ s abuse to become even stronge r and more
egregious. Certainly this was not her intent, but it was the result. Healing for Cynthia required seeking truth, letting go of codependency ,
and finding freedom. She had to find and honor her self again, becoming
the woman God destined her to be. Can you relate? The Power of Collusion
Collusion is a process very similar to codependency . Collusion, when
used in psychological or relational situations, occurs when two people
tacitly agree not to talk about a prohibitive topic. Collusion exists in many
abusive marriages—couples often refuse to talk about important issues
permeating their relationship. Collusion may begin innocently  enough, as it did in Cynthia’ s life. It
begins with a fear of talking about difficult issues, but it grows and
solidifies as the couple continues to avoid difficult issues. There are often
serious consequences to avoiding those challenging topics. Consider what Cynthia had to say:
“I rarely  confron ted Daniel about his temper , but he knew I noticed it. I
avoided confronting him about his controlling behavior and my fear of
talking to him about it. He knew I was pulling away from him emotionally
but neve r really said anything about it. As long as his sexual needs were
met, he didn’ t seem to push for emotional intimacy . After a while he didn’ t
even push for sex anymore. He has to know we are in trouble, but he
doesn’ t bring it up, and neither do I.”
Cynthia’ s story is one I’ve heard so many times. Women are often
keenly aware of problems within the marriage, but they are afraid to
confront those issues. They fear making matters worse. They fear being
further abused. They fear being intimidated and threatened, choosing
instead to cling to the life they have grown accustomed to. They trade a life
of unknowns for what they know . Collusion, for many women, is a strong but subtle process. Many are
not aware they are giving their power away . Many come to believe they
don’t have many  choices, so they settle into believing their dire situation isirremediable and accept it. They  believe they truly are powerle ss, and they
have long since given up any hope of talking about changing their situation
or attempting to transform it. Abusive men have various reaso ns to collude with their wives. In many
ways life is working for them. Their power and manipulation work to get
them what they want. The power and control become second nature to
them. They have largely been successful at silencing the earlier cries of
their mates. Life for them is what they want, and it’ s working for them. You, however , don’t need to continue getting caught up in his power
plays. You can take a stand against it. No longer mesmerized  and with a
heart of conviction, it’ s time to dedicate yourself to healing. Do Y ou W ant to Be Healed? Amid your codependency—a common problem of losing your identity
to anoth er and very common with abuse victims—in the quietness of your
heart you undoubtedly ask yourself some form of this question: “Do I really
need change?”
Or you may wonder , “How much change do I need?” These are critical
questions to ask yourself. What changes must I have? How important is it
for me to obtain  these changes? What will my life look like if I don’t insist
on these changes? There is a fascinating story in the fifth chapter of John’ s Gospel. In this
story Jesus was at the pool of Bethesda, where the sick gathered  in hopes of
being cured when an angel miraculously stirred the water . The name of the
pool gives us a glimpse of the power happening there. The Aramaic word
translated “Bethesda” means “house of mercy .”
Jesus arrived on the scene and noted a man who was ill and had been
there for 38 years. Crippled and ailing, he had waited a long time,
undoubtedly suffering the consequences of his illness—unable to earn a
living, care for his family , or be an active part of the commu nity. These
issues, which you may feel to a certain extent, carried a certai n stigma as
well. Seeing the man, Jesus asked what seemed to be a rude question: “Do
you want to get well?” Instead of responding yes, the man said, “Sir…I
have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I amtrying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me” (verse 7). Can you
hear his desperation and helplessness? He seems to be saying there is little
hope for healing. Winn Collier offers a summary of this story , titled “Do You Want to Be
Whole?”
There are many reasons why we find it difficult, in our broken
places, to stay connected with our desire for something more. To
hope for (to live with the deep desire for) healing can itself be an
excruciating act…W e often abandon our desire for wholenes s
because we are deeply afraid. While the reality of our life may
be far less than what we had expected, over time we make a
certain kind of détente with our brokenness. It becomes what we
know . It’s a fearful thing to surrender the security of the present
(no matter how disappointing or painful it may be) for the
uncertainty of the future.3
To hope for change, to lean into the possibility of change, we must not
only face the truth of our situation but be willing to embrace that change. We must envision it, see it, and reach out for it. For you, this means acknowledging how deeply you have been hurt,
how much you are ailing, and yet continuing to reach for healing. It means
being honest with yourself about whether you have given up on healing. It requires even more than this, however . It requires, like the man by the
pool of Bethesda, that you face the part of you that has given up on the
possibility of change. You must face any resistance to change you may be
clinging to. If you will do that, you open yourself up to the creative
possibilities of change. Seeing the Elephants
Healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse will require not only
courage to envision and embra ce change, but also a willingness to admit
there are elephants in the room you’ve not wanted to see or fully
acknowledge.You cannot rid yourself of elephants—issues within yourself and your
mate—that you don’t name and effectively face. Let’s talk about cultivating
an attitude of seeing the elephants. First, you must feel your feelings . This may seem obvious, but when we
feel emotional pain, it is natural to push that pain away . This is especially
true if that pain is persistent. When you expe rience narcissis tic and emotional abuse on a continual
basis, and you have challenges in your life that demand your attention, it’s
natural to push those painful feelings away . Additionally , attending to your feelings requires some degree of safety . You’ve been in an environment where your feelings were not honored. This
has been part of the abuse. To heal, to fully acknowledge the elephant,
includes finding safe places where you can feel what you feel. Owning
emotional elephants means having friends and places where you are
encouraged to feel your feelings and even where that process is celebrated. Feelings of fer us critical information. They tell us what is missing in our
lives and what must be changed. For Cynthia, this meant feeling her
feelings associat ed with Daniel’ s control and anger . Those feelin gs included
fear, discouragement, and sadness. She had to reflect on how his actions
impacted her , the residual toll his actions took on her . Second, you must honor your feelings . As you honor your feelings, you
will rid yourself of unhealthy guilt and shame. You tell your brain that you
are strong enough to explore the trauma you have experienced. You tell
your brain that it is safe to return to your healthy self and healthy self-
expression. Y ou are worth it. I cannot overemphasize the power of listening to your self. Again, your
feelings offer a pathway to healing. Listen for signs and symptoms of
needing more attention, support , care, and possibly rest. Your feelings will
offer much instruction about what you need and the direction you need to
take in your life. Third, set goals  based on those feeling s. It is not enoug h to know what
you feel. You must listen to those feelings, honor them, create safe places to
explore them more deeply , and then set goals based on them. Make your
goals specific and actionable. “I will get involved in a support group within
two weeks,” or “I will take art lessons to cultivate my creative side.”The goals you set must have some emotional punch. They must resonate
within you. If you feel them, embrace them, and get excited about them,
you will be more likely to follow through with them. Finally , embrace the godly wisdom within . Scripture tells us, “If you
look for [wisdom ] as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then
you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God”
(Proverbs 2:4-5). Isn’t it good to know we can search for and find wisdom? This is a
powerful way to face the hidden elephants we’ve ignored. With godly
wisdom we will know how to deal with the challenging situations we
haven’ t wanted to face. Seeing elephants is never easy. We’ve all got them parading invisibly in
our lives. Howe ver, we can face them and own them, creatin g space for
healthy living. A Curious Mind
There is no better preparation for facing the truth that will set you free
than developing  a curious, open, and receptive mind. Emotional health is
largely based on being open and receptive to what is happening in us and
between us so we can embrace that information. We must be curious to understand what we are feeling and what those
feelings mean to us. We must be curious as to why we do the things we do,
both in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. We must always delve deeper ,
asking ever harder questions of ourselves to find more complete solutions to
our problems. Being curious about our feelings , motives, and behaviors is a potentially
powerful journey—one that takes great courage. To go on this journey , you
must be willing to face insecurities, weaknesses, and even harmful attitudes. You must be willing to see the part of your personality that is small and
frightened, capable of making mistakes. You must be willing to see the
shadow side of your nature. Curiosity may also be instrum ental in leading you to a healthier
relationship. Curiosity can be the drive that causes you to ask how you
arrived at where you are in your marriage. Curiosity prompts  you to asktough questions  that lead to powerful answers. Brian Grazer , author of A
Curious Mind , says,
Curiosity is the spark that starts a flirtation—in a bar, at a party ,
across the lecture hall in Economics 101. And curiosity
ultimately nourishes that romance, and all our best human
relationships—marriages, friend ships, the bond between parents
and children.4
Curiosity—asking what is really happening—will lead you to knowing
what you need to know to make your life bigger and better . Seeing What Is Ther e
Would have, could have, should  have…we have all been stuck  in that
rut. We wish things had gone differently than they did, that things were
different than they are. Stella was particularly stuck in ruminating about a life not lived. Unhappily marri ed to Thomas for 30 years, she seemed to regret everything
about her marriage except her three wonderful sons. “I’m angry that I’ve wasted over half of my life,” she said with obvious
irritation. “I’ve been married to a man I don’t really like. I shou ld have left
him years ago, and now I’m not sure what to do. I’m annoyed that I am
stuck.”
“Why are you stuck?” I asked. My question seemed to furthe r annoy
her. “I’m 50 years old,” she said sharply. “I’m not a young woman,  and if I
did leave Thomas, any man my age is looking for a woman 20 years
younger .”
“So you regret having stayed with your husband?” I asked. Again she seemed annoyed. “Heavens, yes,” she said. “I’ve wasted my
life. I wish so many things were different. I wish I were younger , that I had
more money , and that life was dif ferent.”
“I hear your deep regrets and lost opportunities, Stella,” I said. I could see her sadness as she spoke.“What about facing your life and considering what you can do with the
life you have?” I asked. “Is it possible that you have more optio ns than you
think?”
“I can’t see how that could be true,” she said. “I’ve thought over my life
from every possible angle. My life is a mess, and I’m a mess. I’m not even
sure talking to you about it is going to change anything.”
As I listened to Stella, I was struck by her resentment. Was her life
really wasted? Did she really have nothing to look forward to? Were her
choices as limited as she said? I don’t think so. In fact, healing comes with
facing life as it is, facing truth in whatever form it presents  itself, and
moving forward from there. One of the most powerful tools available to Stella was to face her life
honestly . Only in facing the truth of her life and facing real options could
she move forward. An answer to changing her perspective was to actually
see more —not only to face what was obviously there in her life, but also to
open her eyes to seeing what she might be missing. It has been said that what we pay attention to grows larger in our lives. If we focus on resentment and lost opportunities, our grief and resentment
grow . However , those who pay attention to spaces and places of gratitude
tend to be more satisfied with their lives. Those who open their eyes to new
sights and sounds tend to be filled with new possibilities and hope. Thankfully , there are usually many places and spaces of joy in all our
lives that we miss because we are not looking for them. When we look for
joy and reasons for gratitude, we find them. I have been greatly impacted by the writings of Julia Cameron , author
of The Artist’ s Way. Camer on says the answer to many of our problems lies
in simply paying attention to life. The reward for attention is always healing…More than anything
else, attention is the art of connection…pain is what it took to
teach me to pay attention. In times of pain, when the future is
too terrifying to contemplate and the past too painful to
remember , I have learned to pay attention to right now. The
precise moment I was in was always the only safe place for me.5I love this idea. I tried to sell this idea to Stella, with some greater and
lesser moments of success. I encouraged her to simply pay attention to her
experience and what God may be able to teach her in these moments. As
she notic ed what actually existed, what was true, as well as what she might
be missing—and be curious about that—she could lean into healing. Embracing T ruth For ever
“Life is dif ficult.”
These are the opening words to Scott Peck’ s wonderful book The Road
Less Traveled . I suspe ct his book gained a huge following because he had
the courage to announce these words at the very start of his book. He could
have been much more Pollyannaish in his approach, but he chose instead to
say what we all know to be true: Life is dif ficult. He follows this profound statem ent with yet another: “This is a great
truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see
this truth, we transcend it.”6
These are remarkable words. Is Peck correct that by embracing truth
and the magnitu de of our proble ms, we actually are able to transcend them? His words are similar to those of Jesus: “You will know the truth, and the
truth will set you free” (John 8:32). Was Jesus claiming that knowing the truth—Himself—would set us
free? Certainly that seems to be the case. It is also possible that He was
saying exactly what Peck was saying—that knowing and embracing truth
sets us free. People moan constantly about their lives, complaining about the
enormity of their problems, believing life should be easy. Too often people
complain about their lives more than they seek solutions. They complain
about the unfairness of life more than they buckle down and change what
they have the power to change. It is undoubtedly true that we should spend less energy complaining
about our problems and more  energy solving them. We must take our
precious ener gies and utilize them to make changes that enhance our lives. That is certainly the message I conveyed to Stella. A Path ForwardThe truth will most certainly set you free, but only if you are willing to
face it. You must look squarely at your problems—even the ones you would
rather avoid or deny . Now that you have committed to embracing the truth, you are stronger
and better prepared to face challenges. Do you feel more courageous and
willing to make  changes to save your life? You have one life to save, and
that is your own. We are now moving forward and exploring how you can maintain
dignity by setting boundaries in your life. OceanofPDF .com12
MAINTAINING DIGNITY WITH
BOUNDARIES
When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we
feel used and mistr eated. This is why we sometimes attack who
they ar e, which is far mor e hurtful that addr essing a behavior or a
choice . BRENÉ BROWN
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. It was formless,
and darkness was over the surface of the deep. The Spirit of God was
hovering over the waters. We will never know the exact mind of God, but clearly , He was not
content to leave the formless earth alone. He immediately brought order and
boundaries to the situation. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw
that the light was good, and he separated the light from the
darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called
“night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the
first day (Genesis 1:3-5). And creation continued. God continued to bring order to His universe. We see order in His handiwork every day when we consider how allcreation works in balance and predictability . As I look around and marvel at
the mountains, valleys, moon, and stars, I think of Fred Hoyle’ s analogy:
A junky ard contains all the bits and pieces of a Boeing 747,
dismembered and in disarray . A whirlwind happens to blow
through the yard. What is the chance that after its passage a fully
assembled 747, ready to fly, will be found standing there? So
small as to be negligible, even if a tornado were to blow through
enough junkyards to fill the whole universe.1
I choose God. I choose balance , predictability , order , and boundaries—
and that is what this chapter is about. A Harsh Intr oduction to Boundaries
The book Boundaries  by colleagues John Townsend and Henry Cloud
has helped milli ons consider how they can apply boundaries to their lives. The topic of boundaries becomes even more critical and highly personal
when it involves the issues of narcissistic and emotional abuse. It wasn’t a perso n who mistreated me, but rather a large corpor ation. It
wasn’ t a single event that caused me to have vengeful thoughts, but rather a
series of events. My nemesis was a cellular phone company who promised
me a money-back guarantee on a phone, only to renege on their promise. I had done my part of the deal,  having paid them a handsome sum for
the latest phone.
_OceanofPDF.com_When_Loving_Him_is_Hurting_You_-_David_Hawkins.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        Begin to experience empowerment as you move
through the emotions associated  with your losses. When you grieve your
losses, you begin the healing process. You continue your healin g when you
sit with an understanding soul who grieves with you. Then move from small to tall. Reenter life. Move from withd rawn to
engagement in life and share your incredible story. Define yourself not by
your pain but by your courage and the process of reclaiming your life. The Path Forward
We have talked about growing smaller because of narcissistic and
emotional abuse. Growing smaller is the result of being repeate dly toweredover, being told you were inferi or, and having those feelings of inferiority
settle into your self-identity. We further explored the power of crazy making, the debilitating impact
of brain fog, and how that contributes to the loss of your self. Finally, we explored the path of reclaiming your life, not living as a
victim but rather as one who embraces life and is empowered by it. As we move into the final section of the book, “Recoverin g from
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse,” we will see how change begins—with
you. OceanofPDF. comPART 3
RECOVERING FROM NARCISSISTIC
AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
OceanofPDF. com10
CHANGE BEGINS WITH YOU
Listen, I tell you a mystery: W e will not all sleep, but we will all
be changed. 1 CORINTHIANS 15:51
It was the perfect home. Christie and I had spent time researching where to build our dream
home. I studied precipitation maps and found a perfect location  that caught
part of the rain shadow, meaning  we would get less than half the rainfall of
Seattle. Located on Hood Canal with majestic views of the Olympic Mountains,
we were thrilled as we considered a new life with waterfront property. We
imagined our lives filled with digging clams and beachcombing. Christie and I spent hours with an architect designing our home, hoping
ultimately to create a bed and breakfast. We pored over plans, week after
week, settling finally on the perfect layout for a house and attached cottage. It even had a crow’ s nest for me to write in. We settled into building the house, which became a bit of an
undertaking. Building rarely goes as planned, and this project hit snag after
snag with carpenters, electrici ans, and roofers. Two years later, after
numerous delays, we finally moved in. After getting settled, our home  and cottage decorated beautifully by
Christie, we were ready for business. We were prepared with a name—Hood Canal Guest House—and  lovely brochures. We had even  joined the
chamber of commerce. All systems go. The guests came and went, all delighted with Christie’ s hospita lity and
the incredible setting. I sat back with visions of a nice moneymaking
venture. Fast-forward a year. “I don’t think I’m happy having people come and go in our home,”
Christie said one evening. “What do you mean. ” I asked incredulously. “This is what we planned. You designed this house and cottage and wanted a bed and breakfast. This
is exactly what you wanted. ”
“It’s what I thought  I wanted,” she stated emphatically. “I’m just not so
sure anymore. ”
“It’s just going to take some getting used to,” I said. “What can I do to
help make it work. ”
“That’ s the point,” she said. “I don’t think there is anything to make it
work. I don’ t think I want to have a bed and breakfast anymore. ”
“Wow,” I said. “This is not good. We have spent a fortune getting this
place up and running, Christie. ”
“But I’m not happy,” she said. “I want to move. ”
I was not pleased and walked out of the room. After a chilly evening,
she approached me the next day. “Do you want to talk about the house. ” she said. “Fine,” I replied, still struggling to wrap my head around the possibility
of having built a bed and breakfast and now Christie didn’ t want to live
there. We spent the next few months arguing, talking, arguing, and talking. I
must admit I wasn’t always pleasant about it. I didn’ t want to change
directions. I didn’ t want to consider moving after saving money, spending
two years building, and preparing to run the bed and breakfast. Christie didn’ t sway from her desire. She wanted to move. She wanted
to live in a much smaller home without guests coming and going. She
wanted to live in a cottage. She didn’ t want to live at work. I didn’t adjust easily, but I did finally adjust, moving past my initial
fears and concerns. I finally realized that change is difficult and requirescompromise and struggle. I realized that facing truths, no matter how
challenging they are, leads to ultimate freedom. I’m happy (now) to say we live in a lovely cottage, half the size of our
former home. We are both delighted in our lifestyle, the compromises we
both had to make, and the adjustments needed to get here. You are facing changes much bigger than mine, but you can do it. You
know the difficulties of facing hard truths. Change requires us to let go of
what we have and stretching toward what we want. If we do that, we can
get where we want to go. Let’s work together and consider change. Let’s understand the fear of
making changes, the dread that comes with it, and the exhilaration of
reaching the other side. Stages of Change
During those times when I become critical of myself for my slowness in
making change, I remind myself I’m doing the best I can. I’ve always done
the best I could with the amount of information I had at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 of course, and we can all second-guess ourselves
over our past decisions with the knowledge we have today. It takes great
fortitude not to do that and inste ad to look toward the future. We have today
—that’ s all. We can critically  review whether we are living today the way we want,
considering we don’t want to look back with regrets. We all have the power
to move beyond our past and into our future. Of course, we must do even more than that. We must be intentional
about how we move into whatever future we’re granted, and that is what
this chapter is about. We will learn as much as we can about our life,
making wise choices that will bring us closer to the person God wants us to
be. Know that God wants you to thrive, not just survive. To help you
consider how you want to move  from victim to survivor to one who thrives,
you must know how to change. To move from an abused individual to one
fully engaged in life, you must reflect on the process of change. How will
you most ef fectively prepare for the new life you can have going forward. The way to make changes in your life is to first understand how change
occurs. Marc Perry, in his article “Five Stages of Change Model: Which
Stage Are You In. ,” lists five stages of change. 1 He has identified some
well-accepted stages to chang e you can use to measure your growth. Consider where you are in the change process and where you’d like to be. Precontemplation
People in this stage don’t want to make any change to their habits and
don’t recognize there is a problem. They live in that nether world of denial,
which aptly stands for Don’ t Even Notice I Am L ying (to myself). Y ou have
undoubtedly met people who live in this world. Seeing only what needs to
change in others, never thinking  there are changes to be made in their own
lives, their myopic view makes them nearly impossible to be around. Living in denial, of course, keeps you absolutely stuck. We can’t change
what we don’t own, and we don’t own what we can’t see. We can’t see what
we are not brave enough to explore. Change requires the courage to open
your eyes and look critically at your life. As long as you are unwilling to do
this, positive change is impossible. Having moved beyond this stage, I looked back at all the excuses I
made for not changing. I remembered the blame I placed on my wife,
failing to honestly look in the mirror and see my own behavior. Contemplation
During this next stage, you weigh the costs and benefits of behavior and
lifestyle change. Here you have the gnawing feeling that something needs
to change, perhaps even noting your world is not working as you would
like. You consid er change, but this is not enough to truly make changes. People can remain in this stage for years. I rationa lized, minimized, and found creative ways to convince myself
my life was working. I repeatedly lied to myself, telling myself everything
would be fine in spite of Christie’ s protests. I used denial as long as
possible, clinging to a life I wanted. I was afraid of change. PreparationPeople in this stage have made the mental shift and are ready to change. They’ve set an appointment with a personal trainer, psych ologist, or
nutritionist—whoever can help them reach their goals. They  develop a
concrete action plan and a schedule for carrying it out. They may even
establish someone who will hold them accountable to carry out their plan. In my case, a final convicting and convincing conversation with my
wife nudged me over the edge. It was the umpteenth conversation, taking
place after much damage had been done to both of us emotionally. Regardless, I was finally ready. Action
In this stage you are engaged in the process of change. You are
exercising more, eating healthier, or taking the plunge in setting healthier
boundaries in your relationships. You have crossed the threshold. No longer
paralyzed in denial and frightened about the prospect of change, you are
excited about the new possibilities. I decided to make the move. I decided having a happy wife was far
better than living in that locatio n. It was time for a new adven ture. It was
time for me to swallow my pride and face the truth of the situa tion. It was
time to move. Maintenance
In this stage you are engag ed in successful, sustained lifestyle
maintenance. You have blended positive habits into your lifestyle. You
guard, manage, and maintain boundaries that took some time to set. My maintenanc e program means I listen more to my wife. It means
future decisions are made much more collaboratively and at times, in
submission to her. It’s Really Up to Y ou
Kathryn—Kat to her friends—was struggling to believe her life was her
own to do with as she chose. Nearing 50 and feeling discouraged about the
life she had lost, she felt like a victim. Trapped in feelings of helplessness
for so long, deciding her future was really up to her was a challengingbridge to cross. She had tried to stir up the courage to make changes within
her marriage but hadn’ t experienced significant results. “How can you tell me I have freedom of choice. ” she asked angrily. “That’ s easy for you to say. You haven’ t lived with an overbearing man for
25 years. Y ou haven’ t been beaten down and had your life stolen from you. ”
“You’re right, Kat,” I said. “I can’t really know what it’s been like for
you. I’d like to hear more. ”
“It’s been impossible, like losing your life one inch at a time,” she said. “There hasn’ t been a single day that I have felt fully encouraged to be who I
am. I don’ t think you or anyone can really understand. ”
“I agree, Kat,” I said. “I really  can’t truly understand. I have n’t been
beaten down for 25 years. I haven’ t had my life dominated. I haven’ t
experienced long-term depression. But I have had some life experiences
that give me perspective. I want to escort you across the bridge  of change. Even though it’ s scary, it’s worth the journey. ”
Kat lightened, perhaps feeling a hint of hope. “I’ve been thinking about my options for a long time,” she said. “I used
to think I would  be trapped forever, but I have a glimmer of faith. It has
helped talking to you and some women who are reclaiming their lives. I
have been part of an online wom en’s forum that has given me some hope. It’s still scary to think about major changes. ”
“It won’ t be easy,” I said. “I sometimes think I make it sound easier than
it is. Change is a process, with stages. Each stage has its own challenges. But others have made the trans ition, and so can you. Others have found a
way to face their fears, become empowered, and revitalize their lives. I
know you can too. ”
Kat seemed unmoved by my words. While I have fought my own
battles, none seem to match the battle women face when trying to reclaim a
life taken from them by a narcissist or emotionally abusive man. I reflected
again on how exhausted many women feel and how the task of recapturing
their lives can be daunting. As challenging as they can be, we must all navigate our way through
difficult changes. We dare not become too paralyzed by the status quo. We
must move through stages of precontemplation, contemplation, preparation,
action, and maintenance. We all must face reality and take the necessary
tasks before us. “It is up to you,” I said to Kat firmly. “You will have to seek supportive
people. If you look hard enough, there are many who can give you support,
applauding as you navigate the frightening process of change. But we can’t
do it for you. ”
“I know,” she said. “I’ve though t about it long enough. It’s time to take
action, and I know the action I want to take. I want to leave Jed for a month. I want to give him some time to think about what I’ve been complaining
about and am ready to insist upon. I can no longer live with his temper. I
can’t live with him overpower ing me and stealing my voice. It has to
change, and it’s going to take me leaving for a time for him to take me
seriously. ”
I was a bit surprised—she hadn’ t seemed ready for such a bold move. She must have been making unseen progress, tackling unseen hurdles, and
readying herself  for the action phase of change. Listening to other women
talk about making changes had undoubtedly helped her. “I have a sister in Phoenix who has been scolding me,” she said. “She
wants me to leave Jed and make it clear that he has to enter into counseling
before I come back. She’s been tough on me, and I needed that. I know I
need to do this now. I’m ready to do it. ”
“This is a big step,” I said. “But it’ s time,” she said. “I’ve got to do this. ”
“Okay,” I said. “Let’ s talk about a few things you can expect as you
move forward with this. ”
“Sounds good,” she said. Resistance to Change
Kat had obviously considered her earlier resistance to change. She
shared that she had walked through her fears about what Jed was likely to
do when she left. She had played the move over in her mind a hundred
times and was prepared for any number of possibilities. “He is not going to like this,” she said. “First he’ll be mad. Really
angry. I’m not sure what kind of retaliation he’ll take, but he’ll do
something. He might cut me off financially. I’m sure he’ll tell our friends
I’m the bad guy. He’ s going to get everyone on his side. Poor Jed. ”“Yes. Many men make all kinds  of threats,” I said. “They usually make
threats in an effort to regain control. When they realize that you are serious,
that their threats aren’ t working, most relinquish control. Not without a
fight though. ”
She nodded. “I can handle it,” she said. “He won’ t like it one bit, but I’m prepared to
face his anger. It’s not going to stop me. I’ve got my support group, and the
women there are encouraging me. I finally have got a strong network of
friends who will stand by me. ”
We discussed how it was perfec tly normal for Jed to resist change. No
one makes significant changes  without some resistance. This is to be
expected. Resistance is a natural part of the change process. If you understand this
and expect it, you are likely to tolerate the stress of it better. When you
realize that you resisted change, you are better able to understand that he
will resist change too. He has to go through the same process you have gone
through. We don’t leap into change. We inch into it, sometimes kicking and
screaming. Why  should we expe ct anything less from a man whose world is
about to be turned upside down. Kat and I discus sed how her husband had to go through the process of
resistance. Resistance—actually a stage of grieving—is a necessary step
toward ultimate acceptance and change. “He will have to see and feel that you mean business,” I said. “It will be
natural for him to resist your change and push back. It’s worke d before, so
why not now. He’ll test you to see if you mean business. Expec t him to try
to bargain with you, offering a token of change. At that point it is critical
that you not accept anything less than what you need. You will never have
more influence than when you leave and he is left floundering. ”
“What do you mean. ” she asked. “What I have seen thousands of times is that when women become
strong and courageous enough  to leave, their mate feels threatened and
struggles to regain control. If they cannot regain control they may act
erratically. Your husband may become angrier. However, when  he realizes
you are not going to back down, he will likely come to the stark realization
that the only path is through  the problem, not around it. The only path for
him is to squarely face what you are insisting upon. Change. Now. ”Kat sat silently. Her conviction seemed to crumble. “Am I doing the right thing. ” She looked suddenly scared. She was going through very natural doubts and fears, reconsidering her
course of action. Taking the leap of change nearly always comes with
doubts. We cannot fully predic t what will happen, and it’s a lot easier to
cling to the world we know rather than face the one we don’ t. “I can’t tell you what is right or wrong, Kat,” I said. “You need to act on
your own convictions. This is a time to listen carefully to the Lord and His
promptings. Do you have peace about your decision. ”
“I have thought a lot about the Scripture that says, ‘The peace of God,
which transcend s all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in
Christ Jesus. ’”
“Yes,” I said. “That is a great promise. ”
“Do you think what I’m doing is sound.
Grieving your losses
What is the first step in the healing process?
I remind myself that I'm doing the best I can, and I must look forward, not backward.
What is the author's advice for those who are struggling to make changes in their lives?
The message is that change begins with you, and you have the power to make choices that will lead to a blessed life.
What is the author's message in the chapter "Recovering from Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse"?
I must admit I wasn't always pleasant about it, but I finally adjusted, and I realized that change is difficult, but it is necessary for ultimate freedom.
What is the author's advice for those who are struggling to accept the truth?
I have learned to pay attention to right now, and that is what this chapter is about.
What is the author's advice for those who are struggling to make progress in their healing journey?