• In a conversation, you can clock the amount of time thatYOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 71you speak and compare it with the amount spoken by your partner
and acquaintances. You can work at not being the one who speaks
infrequently and only when asked to participate. • You can observe at your next get-together how many more times
you are interrupted, and whether you always condescend when you
speak simultaneously with another member of the group. Your ap-
proval-seeking may be taking the form of timidity. You can devise
strategies for speaking without being interrupted by labeling the
behavior as it crops up in your social milieu. • Chronicle how many declarative versus interrogative sentences
you make. Do you ask questions, seek permission and approval, as
opposed to making a statement? For example, the question, “Nice
day, isn’t it?” puts the other person into the problem-solving role,
and you into the approval-seeking position. A simple, “Nice day”
is a declaration, rather than an attempt to seek an answer. If you are
always asking questions of others you are into approval-seeking in
what may seem a petty area, but which is reflective of your lack of
confidence in your own ability to take charge. These are the beginning steps to eliminating approval-seeking as
a need in your life. While you are not striving to wipe out all approv-
al, you are working toward not being immobilized in any small way
because you don’t get the blandishments you covet. Applause is
pleasant and approval is a delightful experience. What you seek is
immunity from pain when you don’t get the cheers. Just as the dieter
does not test his mettle for losing weight on a full stomach, or the
individual who is quitting smoking doesn’t measure his resolve after
just putting out a cigarette, you won’t really test yourself in the ab-
sence of disapproval. You can vow until you’re orange in the face
that you can handle disfavor and that you are not going to demand
tribute from everyone, but until you are faced with the circumstances
of contention you won’t know how you are doing. If you can72 / Your Erroneous Zoneseliminate this troublesome erroneous zone from your life, the rest
will seem easy, because you have been conditioned to need approval
from your first breath on this earth. It will require a great deal of
practice, but it is worth every bit of effort you put into it. Immunity
from despair in the face of disapproval is the ticket to a lifetime of
delectable personal present-moment freedom.YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 73IV
BREAKING FREE FROM
THE PAST
Only a ghost wallows around in his past, explaining
himself with self-descriptors based on a life lived
through. You are what you choose today, not what
you’ve chosen before. W ho are you? How do you describe yourself? To answer these
two questions, you will very likely have to refer to your own history,
to a past that has been lived through, but to which you are un-
doubtedly tied, and from which you find it difficult to escape. What
are your self-descriptors? Are they neat little labels that you have
accumulated over a lifetime? Do you have a drawer full of self-
definitions which you use on a regular basis? They may include tags
such as I’m nervous, I’m shy, I’m lazy, I’m not musical, I’m clumsy,
I’m forgetful, and a whole catalog of additional I’ms that you use. You probably have many positive I’ms such as I’m loving, I’m good
at bridge, I’m sweet, as well. These will not be dealt with here since
the purpose of this chapter is to help you grow, rather than to ap-
plaud you for the areas of your life where you are operating effect-
ively. Self-descriptors are not in themselves inappropriate, but they
74can be used in harmful ways. The very act of labeling might be a
specific deterrent to growth. It’s easy to use the label as justification
for remaining the same. Sören Kierkegaard wrote, “Once you label
me, you negate me.” When the individual must live up to the label,
the self ceases to exist. The same is true of self-labels. You could be
negating yourself by identifying with your trademarks, rather than
your own potential for growth. All self-labels come out of an individual’s history. But the past,
as Carl Sandburg said in Prairie,  “is a bucket of ashes.”
Check yourself out on the extent to which you are chained to your
past. All self-defeating “I’ms” are the result of the use of these four
neurotic sentences:
(1) “That’s me.”
(2) “I’ve always been that way.”
(3) “I can’t help it.”
(4) “That’s my nature.”
There they are in one little package. The connectors that keep you
from growing, changing and making your life (from this instant
on—which is all the life you have) new, exciting and heaped with
present-moment fulfillment. I know of a grandmother who, each Sunday when she has the
family over for dinner, decides exactly how much each person will
eat by deliberately portioning out plates to her own specifications. She gives each person two slices of meat, a spoonful of peas, a clump
of potatoes, and on and on. When asked, “Why do you do that?”
she responds with, “Oh, I’ve always been that way.” Why? Because
“That’s just the way I am.” Grandma’s rationale for her behavior is
her own label which comes from a past of always having behaved
in that manner. Some people will actually use all four sentences in one shot when
confronted with their behavior. You might ask someone why he al-
ways gets upset when the subject of accidents arisesBREAKING FREE FROM THE PAST  / 75and he is likely to respond, “Oh, that’s just me, I’ve always been that
way. I really can’t help it, it’s just my nature.” Whew! All four at
once, and each being used as an explanation for why he will never
be different and never even consider changing. Your I’ms which describe self-canceling behavior can be traced
to something that you’ve learned in the past. And every time you
use one of these four sentences you are really saying, “And I intend
to continue being the way I’ve always been.”
You can begin to unknot the ropes that link you to your past and
eliminate the fruitless sentences which are spoken to keep you just
as you’ve always been. Here is a typical list of “I’ms” that may be included in your own
self-portrait
I’m Fat I’m a Lousy Cook I’m Shy
“Not Musical “a Poor Speller “Lazy
“Not Athletic “Tired Easily “Timid
“Sloppy “Sickly “Afraid
“Stubborn “Gauche “Clumsy
“Immature “Accident Prone “Anxious
“Meticulous “Short Fused “Forgetful
“Careless “Hostile “Not Mechanical
“Vindictive “Solemn “Poor at Mathematics
“Irresponsible “Apathetic “A Loner
“Nervous “Bored “Frigid
You are probably in there several times, or perhaps you are con-
juring up your own list. The point is not which labels you choose,
but that you choose to label yourself at all. If you are genuinely sat-
isfied with any of the I’ms, then let them be, but if you can admit to
any of these or other I’ms getting in your way at times, it’s time to
make some changes. Let’s begin with an understanding of the origins
of the I’ms. People want to label you, to pigeonhole you into neat little76 / Your Erroneous Zonescategories. It’s easier that way. D. H. Lawrence saw the folly of this
labeling process in his poem What Is He? *
What is he? —A man, of course. Yes, but what does he do? —He lives and is a man. Oh quite! but he must work. He must have a job of some
sort. —Why? Because obviously he’s not one of the leisured classes. —I don’t know. He has lots of leisure. And he makes quite
beautiful chairs. There you are then! He’s a cabinet maker. —No, no! Anyhow a carpenter and joiner. —Not at all. But you said so. —What did I say? That he made chairs, and was a joiner and carpenter. —I said he made chairs, but I did not say he was a
carpenter. All right then, he’s just an amateur? —Perhaps! Would you say a thrush was a professional
flautist, or just an amateur? I’d say it was just a bird. —And I say he is just a man. All right! You always did quibble. How Those “I’ms” Got Started
The antecedents to your I’ms fall into two categories. The first
kind of labels come from other people. They were pinned
* The Complete Poems of D. H. Lawrence,  vol. I, edited by Vivian de Sola Pinto and
F. Warren Roberts; copyright 1929 by Frieda Lawrence Ravagli; by permission of
The Viking Press, Inc.BREAKING FREE FROM THE PAST  / 77on you as a child and you carry them around with you to this day. The other labels are the result of a choice you made to keep from
having to do uncomfortable or difficult chores. The first category is by far the most prevalent. Little Hope is in
the second grade. She goes to her art class every day, full of delight
about coloring and dabbling in paint. Her teacher tells her that she
really isn’t all that good, and she begins to stay away from it because
she doesn’t like disapproval. Before long, she has the beginning of
an I’m. I’m not good at art. With enough avoidance behavior she
reinforces this notion and, as an adult, when asked why she doesn’t
draw, she says, “Oh, I’m not good at it. I’ve always been that way.”
Most I’ms are leftovers, hangers-on from a time when you heard
such sentences as: “He’s kind of clumsy; his brother is good at ath-
letics, but he’s the studious one.” Or, “You’re just like me, I was
never good at spelling either.” Or, “Billy was always the shy one.”
Or, “She’s just like her father; he couldn’t carry a tune with a
wheelbarrow.” These are the birth rites to a lifetime of I’ms that
never get challenged. They are simply accepted as a condition of
life. Have a conversation with the people in your life who you feel are
most responsible for many of your I’ms. (Parents, long-time family
friends, old teachers, grandparents, etc.) Ask them how they think
you got to be the way you are and if you’ve always been that way. Tell them you are determined to change and see if they believe you
are capable. You’ll be surprised at their own interpretations and
how they feel you can’t be any different, since “You’ve always been
that way.”
The second category of I’ms originates in those convenient tags
that you’ve learned to place on yourself in order to avoid distasteful
activities. I have been working with a client who is forty-six years
old, and wants very much to attend college, since he missed out on
his opportunity because of World War Two. But Horace is threatened
by the prospect of being in academic competition with young people
right out of high school. Fear of78 / Your Erroneous Zonesfailure and doubt about his intellectual capacities scare Horace. He
looks at catalogs regularly, and with the help he receives in counsel-
ing he has taken the appropriate entrance examinations and arranged
an interview with an admissions official at a local community college. But he still uses his I’ms to skirt the actual doing process. He justifies
his inaction with, “I’m too old, I’m not smart enough, and I’m not
really interested.”
Horace uses his I’ms to avoid something he genuinely wants. A
colleague of mine employs them to get out of tasks he doesn’t enjoy. He avoids having to fix the doorbell, or the radio, or any unpleasant
handyman activity by simply reminding his wife, “Now you know,
dear, I’m just not mechanical.” These kinds of I’ms are adaptive be-
haviors, but they are nevertheless delusional excuses. Instead of
saying, “I find this kind of activity dull or uninteresting, and I choose
not to work at it in my present moments (which is perfectly logical
and healthy)” it becomes easier to simply haul out an I’m. In these cases, the individuals are saying something about them-
selves. They are stating, “I am a finished product in this area, and I
am never going to be any different.” If you are a finished product,
all tied up and put away, you have stopped growing, and while you
may very well want to hang onto some I’ms you may find that others
are simply limiting and self-destructive. Below is a listing of some labels that are relics of the past. If any
of them belong to you, you might like to change them. To stay exactly
the way you are in any area is to make one of those deathlike de-
cisions described in Chapter I. Keep in mind that this is not a discus-
sion of the things that you just plain don’t enjoy, but rather a look
at behavior that keeps you from activities from which you might
choose a great deal of pleasure and excitement.BREAKING FREE FROM THE PAST  / 79Ten Typical “I’m” Categories and Their Neurotic Dividends
1. I’m poor at math, spelling, reading, languages, etc. This I’m guarantees that you won’t put in the effort required
to change. The academic I’m is designed to keep you from
ever having to do the hard work involved in mastering sub-
ject matter that you have traditionally found difficult or
boring. As long as you label yourself inept, you have a built-
in reason to avoid tackling it. 2. 2. I’m lousy at some skill areas such as cooking, sports, crocheting,
drawing, acting, etc. This I’m assures that you won’t have to do any of these things
in the future and justifies any poor performance in the past. “I’ve always been that way; it’s just my nature.” This attitude
reinforces your inertia and, more important, it helps you to
hang onto the absurd notion that you shouldn’t do anything
if you don’t do it really well. Thus, unless you’re the world
champion, avoidance is better than doing. 3. I’m shy, reserved, temperamental, nervous, afraid, etc. The call is to genetics for these I’ms. Rather than challenging
them and the self-destructive thinking which supports them,
you simply accept them as a confirmation of the way you’ve
always been. Also, you can blame your parents, and use them
as the reason for your current I’m. You make them the cause
and don’t have to work at being different. You choose this
behavior as a way to avoid being assertive in situations which
have always been troublesome for you. This is a leftover I’m
from a childhood in which others had an inherent interest in
having you believe that you were incapable of thinking for
yourself. These are the personality I’ms. These self-definitions
help you to avoid the tough business of being different from
what you’ve always been. You simply define your personality
with a convenient I’m and you can now excuse all kinds of
self-forfeiting behav-80 / Your Erroneous Zonesiors as out of your control. You negate the notion that you
can choose your own personality, and rely instead on your
genetic misfortune to explain away all of those personality
traits that you would like to disown. 4. I’m clumsy, uncoordinated, etc. These I’ms that you learned as a child enable you to avoid
potential ridicule that might come your way because you
aren’t as physically skilled as others. Of course, your lack of
skill comes from a history of believing those I’ms and hence
avoiding physical activity, rather than from some inherent
defect. You get good at what you practice, not what you shun. Keep your I’m and stay on the sidelines watching and wish-
ing, but pretending that you really don’t like that sort of
thing. 5. I’m unattractive, ugly, big-boned, plain, too tall, etc. These physiological I’ms are helpful in keeping you from
taking risks with the opposite sex, and in justifying the poor
self-image and lack of love you’ve chosen for yourself. As
long as you describe yourself in this fashion, you have a
ready-made excuse for not putting yourself on the line in a
love relationship. And you don’t have to work at looking
attractive to yourself, as well. You use your mirror as justific-
ation for not taking a chance. There’s only one problem: we
see exactly what we choose to—even in mirrors. 6. I’m unorganized, meticulous, sloppy, etc. These behavioral I’ms are convenient for manipulating others
and in justifying why things have to be done a certain way. I’ve always done it that way. As if tradition were a reason to
do anything. And I’ll always do it that way is the unstated
message. By relying upon the way you’ve always done it,
you don’t ever have to entertain the risky notion of doing it
differently, and you can simultaneously ensure that everyone
around you will do it your way as well. This is the I’m that
calls upon “policy” as a substitute for thinking.BREAKING FREE FROM THE PAST  / 817. I’m forgetful, careless, irresponsible, apathetic, etc. These kinds of I’ms are especially useful to you when you
want to vindicate yourself for some ineffective behavior. The
I’m keeps you from ever going to work on your memory, or
your carelessness, and you simply excuse yourself with your
neat little, “That’s me.” As long as you can haul out this I’m
when you behave in any of the ways described above, you
will never have to work at changing. Just go on forgetting
and reminding yourself that you can’t really help it, and
you’ll always be forgetful. 8. I’m Italian, German, Jewish, Irish, Black, Chinese, etc. These are your ethnic I’ms, and they work very well when
you run out of other reasons to explain some behaviors that
you have, which don’t work for you, but are just too damned
difficult to tackle. Whenever you find yourself behaving in
stereotypical ways associated with your subculture, you
simply trot out your ethnic I’m as a justification. I once asked
a maître d’ why he seemed so excitable and reacted to the
slightest problem with outrageous outbursts. He responded,
“What do you expect from me? I’m Italian. I can’t help it.”
9. I’m bossy, pushy, authoritarian, etc. Here your I’m can allow you to continue hostile acts, rather
than work at developing self-discipline. You varnish the be-
havior with “I can’t help it, I’ve always been that way.”
10. I’m old, middle-aged, tired, etc. With this I’m you can use your age as a reason for not parti-
cipating in what might be risky or threatening activities. Whenever you find yourself faced with an activity such as a
sports event, dating after a divorce or the death of a spouse,
traveling, or the like you can just say “I’m too old” and you
will have eliminated any attendant risks that go with trying
something new and growth-producing. The implication of
an “age-I’m” is that you are absolutely finished in82 / Your Erroneous Zonesthis area, and since you will always get older, you are finished
growing and experiencing anything new. The “I’m” Circle
The rewards for hanging onto your past by trotting out your I’ms
can be neatly summed up in the one word: avoidance. Whenever
you want to dodge a certain kind of activity or to gloss over a per-
sonality defect, you can always justify yourself with an I’m. In fact,
after you use these labels enough, you begin to believe them yourself,
and at that present moment you are a finished product destined to
remain as you are for the rest of your days. Labels enable you to
avoid the hard work and the risk of trying to change. They perpetu-
ate the behavior which has given rise to them. Thus, if a young man
goes to a party with the belief that he is shy, he will behave as if he
is shy and his behavior will further support his self-image. It’s a vi-
cious circle. There you have it. Rather than intervening between point 3 and
4 on the circle, he simply exonerates his behavior with an I’m, and
the attendant risk-taking that is necessary to get out of his trap is
adroitly avoided. There may be many reasons for theBREAKING FREE FROM THE PAST  / 83young man’s shyness, some of which probably go back to his
childhood. Whatever the reasons for his fear he has decided not to
go to work on his social-wariness, but to explain it away with a
simple I’m. His fear of failing is strong enough to prevent him from
trying. Were he to believe in the present moment and his ability to
make a choice, his sentence would change from, “I’m shy,” to “Up
until now, I’ve behaved in a shy manner.”
The vicious circle of shyness can be applied to virtually all I’ms
that are self-diminishing. Consider the circle of a student who be-
lieves he’s poor in math as he tackles his algebra homework. Rather than stop between 3 and 4, and put in the extra time, con-
sult a tutor, or struggle with it he simply stops. When asked why he
flunked algebra class, he’ll say “I’ve always been lousy in mathem-
atics.” Those infernal I’ms are the things that you call upon to exon-
erate yourself and to explain to others why you persist in a self-de-
feating pattern. You can look at your own circle of neurotic logic and begin to
challenge any aspect of your life in which you’ve chosen to be a
finished product. The number one payoff for hanging onto your
past and resting on your I’ms is avoidance of change. Every time
you use an I’m to explain a behavior that you don’t84 / Your Erroneous Zoneslike, think of yourself in that gaily decorated box, all wrapped up
as a finished package. Certainly it is easier to describe yourself than to change. Perhaps
you ascribe the reasons for your labels to your parents, or to other
significant adults in your childhood such as your teachers, neighbors,
grandparents and the like. By giving them responsibility for your
present-day I’m you’ve given them a measure of control over your
life today, elevated them to a higher position than you and ingeni-
ously created an alibi for staying in your ineffective condition. A
neat little payoff indeed, and one that provides you with a warranty
against any risk-taking. If it’s the “culture’s” fault that you have this
I’m, you can’t do anything about it. Some Strategies for Freeing Yourself from the Past and Eliminating
Your Vexing I’ms
Leaving the past behind involves taking risks. You have become
accustomed to your self-definitions. In many cases they function as
a support system in your daily life. Some specific strategies for
eliminating those I’ms include:
• Eliminating I’m wherever you can. Substitute with such sen-
tences as, “Until today I’ve chose to be that way,” or “I used to label
myself…”
• Announce to those close to you that you are going to work at
eliminating some of your I’ms. Decide which are most important to
eliminate and ask them to remind you whenever you haul them out. • Set behavioral goals to act differently than you’ve ever done
before. For example, if you consider yourself shy, introduce yourself
to one person who you might otherwise have avoided.BREAKING FREE FROM THE PAST  / 85• Talk with a trusted confidant who will help you combat the
powers of the past. Ask him to signal you silently with a tug to his
ear each time he notices you falling back into your I’m. • Keep a journal on your self-destructive I’m behavior, and record
your action as well as how you were feeling about yourself while
you were behaving that way. For one week record in a notebook the
exact time, date and occasion when you used any of the self-destruct-
ive I’ms, and work at diminishing the entries. Use the list provided
earlier in this chapter as a guide to your journal-keeping. • Watch out for the four neurotic sentences and whenever you
fall into using them, correct yourself out loud  in the following way. Change
“That’s me.”…to…“That was me.”
“I can’t help it.”…to…“I can change that if I work on it.”
“I’ve always been that way.”…to…“I’m going to be different.”
“That’s my nature.”…to…“That’s what I used to believe was my
nature.”
• Try to work each day on eliminating one I’m just for that day. If you’ve used I’m forgetful as a self-descriptor, devote Monday to
working specifically at being aware of this tendency, and see if you
can alter one or two forgetful behaviors. Similarly, if you don’t like
your stubbornness I’m, give yourself one day to be tolerant of con-
trary opinions, and see if you can rid yourself of I’ms one day at a
time. • You can interrupt your own “I’m-Circle” between point 3 and
4, and resolve to toss out those ancient excuses for avoidance. • Find something you’ve never done and set aside an afternoon
for that activity. After your three-hour immersion in a totally new
activity, one that you’ve always avoided in the past, see if you can
still use the same I’m that you applied that morning.86 / Your Erroneous ZonesAll of your I’ms are learned avoidance patterns, and you can learn
to be almost anything if you make the choice to do so. Some Final Thoughts
There is no such thing as human nature. The phrase itself is de-
signed to pigeonhole people and to create excuses. You are the sum
product of your choices, and every I’m you treasure could be re-
labeled, “I’ve chosen to be.” Go back to the opening questions in
this chapter, Who are you? and How do you describe yourself? Think
about some delicious new labels that are in no way connected to the
choices that others have made for you, or those that you’ve made
until now. Those old tiresome labels may be keeping you from living
your life as fully as you might. Remember what Merlin said about learning:
“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to
puff and blow, “is to learn something. That is the only thing
that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your ana-
tomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of
your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the
world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one
thing for it then—to learn. Learn why the world wags and what
wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never ex-
haust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or dis-
trust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the thing for
you. Look at what a lot of things there are to learn—pure sci-
ence, the only purity there is. You can learn astronomy in a
lifetime, natural history in three, literature in six. And then,
after you have exhausted a million lifetimes in biology and
medicine and theocriticism and geography and history and
eco-BREAKING FREE FROM THE PAST  / 87nomics, why, you can start to make a cartwheel out of the ap-
propriate wood, or spend fifty years learning to begin to learn
to beat your adversary at fencing. After that you can start again
on mathematics until it is time to learn to plough.”*
Any I’m that keeps you from growing is a demon to be exorcised. If you must have an I’m, try this one on for size. “I’m an ‘I’m’ exor-
cist—and I like it.”
*Terence H. White, The Once and Future King  (New York: C. P. Putnam’s Sons,
1958).88 / Your Erroneous ZonesV
THE USELESS EMOTIONS—
GUILT AND WORRY
If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change
a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with
a different reality system. Throughout life, the two most futile emotions are guilt for what
has been done and worry about what might be done. There they
are! The great wastes—Worry and Guilt—Guilt and Worry. As you
examine these two erroneous zones, you will begin to see how con-
nected they are; in fact they can be viewed as opposite ends of the
same zone. There you have it. Guilt  means that you use up your present mo-
ments being immobilized as a result of past behavior, while worry  is
the contrivance that keeps you immobilized in the now
89about something in the future —frequently something over which
you have no control. You can see this clearly if you try to think of
yourself as feeling guilty about an event that has yet to occur, or to
worry about something that has happened. Although one response
is to the future and the other to the past, they both serve the
identical purpose of keeping you upset or immobile in your present
moment. Robert Jones Burdette wrote in Golden Day:
It isn’t the experience of today that drives men mad. It is the
remorse for something that happened yesterday, and the dread
of what tomorrow may disclose. You see examples of guilt and worry everywhere, in virtually
everyone you meet. The world is populated with folks who are either
feeling horrible about something that they shouldn’t have done or
dismayed about things that might or might not happen. You are
probably no exception. If you have large worry and guilt zones, they
must be exterminated, spray-cleaned and sterilized forever. Wash
out those little “w” and “g” bugs that infest so many sectors of your
life. Guilt and worry are perhaps the most common forms of distress
in our culture. With guilt you focus on a past event, feel dejected or
angry about something that you did or said, and use up your present
moments being occupied with feelings over the past behavior. With
worry, you use up those valuable nows, obsessing about a future
event. Whether you’re looking backward or forward, the result is
the same. You’re throwing away the present moment. Robert Bur-
dette’s Golden Day is really “today,” and he sums up the folly of
guilt and worry with these words. There are two days in the week about which and upon which
I never worry. Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear
and apprehension. One of these days is yesterday…and the
other day I do not worry about is tomorrow.90 / Your Erroneous ZonesA Closer Look at Guilt
Many of us have been subjected to a conspiracy of guilt in our
lifetimes, an uncalculated plot to turn us into veritable guilt ma-
chines. The machine works like this. Someone sends out a message
designed to remind you that you’ve been a bad person because of
something you said or didn’t say, felt or didn’t feel, did or didn’t
do. You respond by feeling bad in your present moment. You are
the guilt machine. A walking, talking, breathing contraption that
responds with guilt whenever the appropriate fuel is poured into
you. And you are well oiled if you’ve had a total immersion into
our guilt-producing culture. Why have you bought the worry and guilt messages that have
been laid on you over the years? Largely because it is considered
“bad” if you don’t feel guilty, and “inhuman” not to worry. It all
has to do with CARING. If you really care about anyone, or anything,
then you show this concern by feeling guilty about the terrible things
you’ve done, or by giving some visible evidence that you are con-
cerned about their future. It is almost as if you have to demonstrate
your neurosis in order to be labeled a caring person. Guilt is the most useless of all erroneous zone behaviors. It is by
far the greatest waste of emotional energy. Why? Because, by defini-
tion, you are feeling immobilized in the present over something that
has already  taken place, and no amount of guilt can ever change
history. DISTINGUISHING GUILT FROM LEARNING FROM YOUR PAST
Guilt is not merely a concern with the past; it is a present-moment
immobilization about a past event. And the degree of immobilization
can run from mild upset to severe depression. If you are simply
learning from your past, and vowing to avoid the repetition of some
specific behavior, this is not guilt. You experience guilt only when
you are prevented from taking action now as a result of having be-
haved in a certain way previously.THE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 91Learning from your mistakes is healthy and a necessary part of
growth. Guilt is unhealthy because you are ineffectively using up
your energy in the present feeling hurt, upset and depressed about
a historical happening. And it’s futile as well as unhealthy. No
amount of guilt can ever undo anything. The Origins of Guilt
There are two basic ways in which guilt becomes a part of the
emotional makeup of an individual. In the first, guilt is learned at a
very early age and remains with a grown-up as a leftover childish
response. In the second case, guilt is self-imposed by an adult for
an infraction of a code to which he professes to subscribe. 1. Leftover Guilt. This guilt is the emotional reaction which is carried
around from childhood memories. There are scores of these guilt
producers, and while they work in that they produce results in
children, people still tote around these sentences as adults. Some of
these leftovers involve admonitions like:
“Daddy won’t like you if you do that again.”
“You should feel ashamed  of yourself.” (As if that will be helpful
to you.) “Oh, all right, I’m only your mother.”
As an adult, the implications behind these sentences can still
produce hurt if a person disappoints his boss, or others whom he
has made into parents. The persistent attempt to win their support
is there, and so is the guilt when the efforts are unsuccessful. Leftover guilt also surfaces in sex and marriage. It can be seen in
the numerous self-reproaches and apologies for past behavior. These
guilt reactions are present as a result of learning to be manipulated
by adults in childhood, but they can still operate when the child has
grown up. 2. Self-imposed Guilt. This second category of guilt reactions92 / Your Erroneous Zonesis a much more troublesome area. Here the individual is being im-
mobilized by things he has done recently, but which are not neces-
sarily tied to being a child. This is the guilt imposed on the self when
an adult rule or moral code is broken. The individual may feel bad
for a long time even though the hurting can do nothing to change
what has happened. Typical self-imposed guilt includes having told
someone off, and hating one’s self for it, or being emotionally drained
in the present moment because of some act such as shoplifting, not
going to church, or having said the wrong thing in the past. Thus you can look at all of your guilt either as reactions to leftover
imposed standards in which you are still trying to please an absent
authority figure, or as the result of trying to live up to self-imposed
standards which you really don’t buy, but for some reason pay lip
service to. In either case, it is stupid, and, more important, useless
behavior. You can sit there forever, lamenting about how bad you’ve
been, feeling guilty until your death, and not one tiny slice of that
guilt will do anything to rectify past behavior. It’s over! Your guilt
is an attempt to change history, to wish that it weren’t so. But history
is so and you can’t do anything about it. You can begin to change your attitude about the things over which
you experience guilt. Our culture has many strains of puritanical
thinking which send out messages like, “If it’s fun, you’re supposed
to feel guilty about it.” Many of your own self-inflicted guilt reactions
can be traced to this kind of thinking. Perhaps you’ve learned that
you shouldn’t indulge yourself, or you mustn’t enjoy a dirty joke,
or you ought not to participate in a certain kind of sexual behavior. While the restraining messages are omnipresent in our culture, guilt
about enjoying yourself is purely self-inflicted. You can learn to savor pleasure without a sense of guilt. You can
learn to see yourself as someone who is capable of doing anything
that fits into your own value system and does not harm others—and
doing it without guilt. If you do something, what-THE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 93ever it may be, and you don’t like it or yourself after having done
it, you can vow to eliminate such behavior for yourself in the future. But to go through a self-inflicted guilt sentence is a neurotic trip that
you can bypass. The guilt does not help. It not only keeps you im-
mobilized, but it actually intensifies the chances that you’ll repeat
the unwanted behavior. Guilt can be its own reward as well as per-
mission to repeat the behavior. As long as you retain the potential
payoff of absolving yourself with guilt, you’ll be able to keep yourself
in that vicious treadmill that leads to nothing but present-moment
unhappiness. Typical Guilt-Producing Categories and Reactions
PARENTAL GUILT ON CHILDREN OF ALL AGES
Manipulating the child to complete a task through guilt:
Parent—“Donny, bring up the chairs from the basement. We’ll be eating soon.”
Child—“O.K., Mom, in a minute, I’m watching the ball
game and I’ll do it when this inning is over.”
Parental guilt signal—“Never mind then, I’ll do it—with
my bad back. You just sit there and enjoy yourself.”
Donny has visions of his mother falling down with six chairs
landing on top of her. And he’s responsible. The “I sacrificed for you” mentality is an exceedingly effective
guilt producer. Here a parent can recall all of the hard times in which
he gave up his happiness so that you might have something. You
naturally ask yourself how you could be so selfish after you’ve been
reminded of your debts. References to the suffering of childbirth are
one example of this guilt-producing attitude. “I went through
eighteen hours of labor just to bring you94 / Your Erroneous Zonesinto the world.” Another effective statement is, “I stayed married
to your father because of you.” This one is designed to make you
feel guilty for Mama’s bad marriage. Guilt is an effective method for parental manipulation of a child’s
actions. “That’s okay. We’ll stay here by ourselves. You just enjoy
yourself the way you’ve always done. Don’t worry about us.”
Statements like this are effective in getting you to telephone or visit
on a regular basis. With a slight twist you hear: “Whatsamatter; you
got a broken finger and you can’t dial a telephone?” The parent
switches the guilt machine on and you behave accordingly, albeit
resentfully. The “You disgraced us” tactic is also useful. Or “What will the
neighbors think?” External forces are martialed to make you feel
bad about what you’ve done, and to keep you from thinking for
yourself. The “If you ever fail at anything you’ll disgrace us” guilt
excursion can make living with yourself after a shabby performance
almost impossible. Parental illness is a super guilt manufacturer. “You’ve made my
blood pressure go up.” References to “killing me” or “giving me a
heart attack” are effective guilt prodders, as well as blaming you for
virtually all of the normal ailments associated with growing older. You need big shoulders to carry this guilt around, since it can literally
last a lifetime, and if you are particularly vulnerable, you can even
carry the guilt of a parent’s death. Sexual guilt imposed by parents is quite common. All sexual
thought or behavior is fertile soil for the cultivation of guilt. “God
forbid you should masturbate. It’s bad.” Through guilt you can be
manipulated into the right sexual stance. “You should be ashamed
for reading such magazines. You shouldn’t even have such
thoughts.”
Socially appropriate behavior can be fostered with guilt. “How
could you embarrass me by picking your nose in front of Grandma.”
“You forgot to say thank you. Shame on you, do you want our
friends to think I didn’t teach you anything?” ATHE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 95child can be helped to learn socially acceptable behavior without
the accompanying guilt. A simple reminder which follows an explan-
ation of why the behavior is undesirable is much more effective. For
example, if Donny is told that his constant interruptions are discon-
certing and make conversation impossible, he will have the first seed
planted without having the guilt that goes with a statement such as,
“You’re always interrupting, you should be ashamed of yourself,
it’s impossible to talk with you around.”
Merely reaching adulthood does not put an end to parental ma-
nipulation by guilt. I have a friend who is fifty-two years old. He is
a pediatrician of Jewish extraction married to a non-Jewish woman. He keeps his marriage a secret from his mother, because he is afraid
it might “kill her” or more aptly, he might kill her. He maintains a
separate apartment with all of the household trimmings for the sole
purpose of meeting with his eighty-five-year-old mother every
Sunday. She does not know that he is married and owns his own
home where he lives six days a week. He plays this little game out
of fear and guilt about being married to a “Shiksa.” Although he is
a fully grown man who is highly successful in his own professional
world, he is still controlled by his mother. Each day he talks to her
from his office and lives out his bachelor fantasy. Parental-and family-associated guilt is the most common strategy
for keeping a rebellious person in tow. The examples above are only
a small sample of the multitude of statements and techniques for
helping a son/daughter to choose guilt (present-moment immobility
over a past event) as the price of genealogy. Lover- and Spouse-Related Guilt
The “If you loved me” guilt is one way to manipulate a lover. This
tactic is particularly useful when one wants to pun-96 / Your Erroneous Zonesish a partner for some particular behavior. As if love were contingent
upon the right kind of behavior. Whenever one person doesn’t
measure up, guilt can be used to get him back into the fold. He must
feel guilty for not having loved the other. Grudges, long silences and hurtful looks are useful methods of
engendering guilt. “I’m not talking to you, that’ll fix you” or “Don’t
come near me, how do you expect me to be loving after what you’ve
done?” This is a commonly employed tactic in the case of straying
behavior on the part of one partner. Often, years after an incident, an action is recalled to help the
other person to choose present-moment guilt. “But don’t forget what
you did in 1951” or “How could I ever trust you again, when you
let me down before?” In this way one partner can manipulate the
other’s present with references to the past. If one partner has finally
forgotten it, the other can periodically bring it up to keep the guilt
feelings about the past behavior current. Guilt is useful in making a love partner conform to the other’s
demands and standards of behavior. “If you were responsible, you
would have called me” or “That’s the third time I had to empty the
garbage, I guess you just refuse to do your share.” The goal? Getting
one partner to do what the other wants him to. The method? Guilt. Children-Inspired Guilt
The parental guilt game can be reversed. Guilt can be a two-way
street and children are just as apt to use it in manipulating their
parents as the reverse. If a child realizes that his parent cannot cope with his being un-
happy and will feel guilty for being a bad parent, the child will often
try to use that guilt to manipulate the parent. A tantrum in the su-
permarket may produce the desired candy. “Sally’s father lets her
do it.” Therefore Sally’s father is a good father and you’re not. “You
don’t love me. If you didTHE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 97you wouldn’t treat me this way.” And the ultimate, “I must be ad-
opted. My real parents wouldn’t treat me like this.” All these state-
ments carry the same message. You as a parent ought to feel guilty
for treating me, your child, in this way. Of course, children learn this guilt-producing behavior by
watching the adults in their world use them to get the things that
they want. Guilt is not a natural behavior. It is a learned emotional
response that can only be used if the victim teaches the exploiter
that he is vulnerable. Children know when you are susceptible. If
they constantly remind you of things that you’ve done, or haven’t
done, for the purpose of getting what they want, then they have
learned the guilt trick. If your children use these tactics, they picked
them up somewhere. Very likely, from you. School-Inspired Guilt
Teachers are superlative guilt originators, and children, since they
are most suggestible, are excellent subjects for manipulation. These
are some of the guilt messages that produce present-moment unhap-
piness for young people:
“Your mother is really going to be disappointed in you.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself for getting a C—a
smart boy like you.”
“How could you hurt your parents like that, after all
they’ve done for you? Don’t you know how badly they
want you to go to Harvard?”
“You failed the test because you didn’t study, now you’ll
have to live with yourself.”
Guilt is often used in schools to make children learn certain things
or behave in certain ways. And remember that even as an adult you
are a product of those schools.98 / Your Erroneous ZonesChurch-Related Guilt
Religion is often used to produce guilt and therefore manipulate
behavior. Here God is generally the one you have let down. In some
cases the message is that you will be kept out of heaven for having
behaved badly. “If you loved God, you wouldn’t behave that way.”
“You won’t get into heaven unless you repent for your
sins.”
“You should feel bad because you haven’t gone to church
every week, and if you feel bad enough, perhaps you’ll be
forgiven.”
“You’ve disobeyed one of God’s rules and you should feel
ashamed of yourself.”
Other Institutional Guilt Producers
Most prisons operate on the guilt theory. That is, if a person sits
long enough thinking how bad he’s been, he will be better for the
guilt. Jail sentences for nonviolent crimes such as tax evasion, traffic
citations, civil infractions and the like are examples of this mind-set. The fact that a strikingly large percentage of inmates return to law-
breaking behavior has done nothing to challenge this belief. Sit in a jail and feel bad for what you’ve done. This policy is so
expensive and useless that it defies logical explanation. The illogical
explanation, of course, is that guilt  is such an integral part of our
culture, that it is the backbone of our criminal justice system. Rather
than have civil law breakers help society or repay their debts, they
are reformed through guilt-producing incarceration that has no be-
nefit to anyone, least of all the offender. No amount of guilt, however large, will change past behav-THE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 99ior. Moreover, jails are not places where new legal choices are
learned. Instead, they encourage a repetition of illegal behavior by
embittering the prisoner. (The policy of imprisoning dangerous
criminals to protect others is a different issue, and not under discus-
sion here.) In our society tipping is a practice that has come to reflect not su-
perior service but the guilt of the person served. Effective waiters
and waitresses, cab drivers, bell boys, and other serving employees
have learned that most people cannot handle guilt for not behaving
in the correct way and will tip the standard percentage regardless
of the quality of service received. Thus blatant hand extending, nasty
comments and looks that are designed to wither are all used to
produce guilt and, fast on its heels, the big tip. Littering, smoking and other unacceptable behavior may be things
that you can be made to feel guilty about. Perhaps you’ve dropped
a cigarette or a paper cup. A stern look by a stranger can send you
into paroxysms of guilt for having behaved in such a crass fashion. Instead of feeling guilty about something you have already done,
why not simply resolve not to behave in an antisocial manner again. Dieting is an area that is loaded with guilt. The dieter eats one
cookie and feels bad for a day for having been weak for a moment. If you are striving to lose weight and give in to counterproductive
behavior, you can learn from it and work at being more effective in
your present moment. But to feel guilty and full of self-reproach is
a waste of time, for, if you feel that way for very long, you are likely
to repeat the excess eating, as your own neurotic way out of your
dilemma. Sexual Expression Guilt
Perhaps the area where guilt flourishes best in our society is in
the realm of sex. We have already seen how parents engender guilt
in children for sexual acts or thoughts. Adults feel no less100 / Your Erroneous Zonesguilty about matters of sex. People sneak into porno films so that
others won’t know how bad they’ve been. Some people can’t admit
to enjoying oral sex and often feel guilty for even thinking about it. Sexual fantasies are also effective guilt producers. Many feel bad
about having such thoughts and deny their existence even in private,
or in therapy. In fact, if I had to locate a guilt center in the body, I
would place it in the crotch. This is only a brief listing of the cultural influences that conspire
to help you choose guilt. Now let’s take a look at the psychological
payoffs for feeling guilt. Keep in mind that whatever the dividend,
it is bound to be self-defeating, and remember that the next time
you opt for guilt over freedom. The Psychological Payoffs for Choosing Guilt
Here are the most basic reasons for choosing to waste your present
feeling guilty about things that you’ve done or failed to do in the
past. • By absorbing your present moments feeling guilty about some-
thing that has already taken place, you don’t have to use that now
moment in any kind of effective, self-enhancing way. Very simply,
like so many self-defeating behaviors, guilt is an avoidance technique
for working on yourself in the present. Thus you shift responsibility
for what you are or are not now to what you were or were not in
the past. • By shifting responsibility backward you not only avoid the hard
work of changing yourself now but the attendant risks that go with
change as well. It is easier to immobilize yourself with guilt about
the past than to take the hazardous path of growing in the present. • There is a tendency to believe that if you feel guilty enough, you
will eventually be exonerated for having been naughty. This being
forgiven payoff is the basis of the prisonTHE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 101mentality described above, in which the inmate pays for sins by
feeling terrible for a long period of time. The greater the transgres-
sion, the longer the period of remorse necessary for pardon. • Guilt can be a means of returning to the safety of childhood, a
secure period when others made decisions for you and took care of
you. Rather than taking yourself in hand in the present, you rely on
the values of others from your past. And once again the payoff is in
being protected from having to take charge of your own life. • Guilt is a useful method for transferring responsibility for your
behavior from yourself to others. It is easy to get infuriated at how
you are being manipulated and to shift the focus for your guilt off
yourself, and onto those infernal others, who are so powerful that
they can make you feel anything they want, including guilt. • Often you can win the approval of others even when those
others don’t approve of your behavior by feeling guilt for that beha-
vior. You may have done something out of line, but by feeling guilty
you are showing that you know the proper way to behave, and are
making an attempt to fit in. • Guilt is a superb way to win pity from others. No matter that
the desire for the pity is a clear indication of low self-esteem. In this
case you’d rather have others feel sorry for you, than like and respect
yourself. There you have the most notorious of the dividends for hanging
onto guilt. Guilt, like all self-nullifying emotions, is a choice, some-
thing that you exercise control over. If you don’t like it, and would
prefer to make it go away so that you are entirely “guilt-free” here
are some beginning strategies for wiping your guilt slate clean. Some Strategies for Eliminating Guilt
• Begin to view the past as something that can never be102 / Your Erroneous Zoneschanged, despite how you feel about it. It’s over! And any guilt that
you choose will not make the past different. Emblazon this sentence
on your consciousness. “My feeling guilty will not change the past,
nor will it make me a better person.” This sort of thinking will help
you to differentiate guilt from learning as a result of your past. • Ask yourself what you are avoiding in the present with guilt
about the past. By going to work on that particular thing, you will
eliminate the need for guilt. A client of mine who had been carrying on an extramarital affair
for some time provides a good example of this kind of guilt elimin-
ation. The man professed to feel guilty about the affair, but continued
to sneak away from his wife each week to see the other woman. I
pointed out to him that the guilt he spoke so much about was a
totally futile emotion. It did not improve his marriage and even
prevented him from enjoying his affair. He had two choices. He
could recognize that he was devoting his present to feeling guilty
because it was easier than examining his marriage closely and going
to work on it—and himself. Or he could learn to accept his behavior. He could admit that he
condoned extramarital sexual exploration and realize that his value
system encompassed behavior which many people condemn. In
either case, he would be choosing to eliminate the guilt, and to either
change or accept himself. • Begin to accept certain things about yourself that you’ve chosen
but which others may dislike. Thus, if your parents, boss, neighbors,
or even spouse, take a stand against some of your behavior, you can
see that as natural. Remember what was said earlier about approval
seeking. It is necessary that you approve of yourself; the approval
of others is pleasant but beside the point. Once you no longer need
approval, the guilt for behavior which does not bring approval will
disappear. • Keep a Guilt Journal  and write down any guilty moments, noting
precisely when, why, and with whom it occurs, and what you are
avoiding in the present with this agonizing over theTHE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 103past. The journal should provide some helpful insights into your
particular guilt zone. • Reconsider your value system. Which values do you believe in
and which do you only pretend to accept? List all of these phony
values and resolve to live up to a code of ethics that is self-determ-
ined, not one that has been imposed by others. • Make a list of all the bad things you’ve ever done. Give yourself
guilt points for each of them on a scale of one to ten. Add up your
score and see if it makes any difference in the present whether it’s
one hundred or one million. The present-moment is still the same
and all of your guilt is merely wasteful activity. • Assess the real consequences of your behavior. Rather than
looking for a mystical feeling to determine yes’s and no’s in your
life, determine whether the results of your actions are pleasing and
productive for you. • Teach those in your life who attempt to manipulate you with
guilt that you are perfectly capable of handling their disappointment
in you. Thus, if Mamma gets into her guilt act with “You didn’t do
this” or “I’ll get the chairs, you just sit there,” learn new responses
like “Okay, Mom, if you want to risk your back on a few chairs be-
cause you can’t wait a few minutes, I guess there is little I can do to
dissuade you.” It will take some time, but their behavior will begin
to change once they see they cannot force you to choose guilt. Once
you de-fuse the guilt, the emotional control over you and the possib-
ility of manipulation are eliminated forever. • Do something which you know is bound to result in feelings of
guilt. As you check into a hotel, and a bellboy is assigned to show
you to a room that you are perfectly capable of finding alone with
your one small piece of luggage, announce that you’ll do it alone. If
you’re rejected, tell your unwanted companion that he is wasting
his time and energy since you will not be leaving a tip for a service
that you don’t want. Or take a week to be alone if you’ve always
wanted to do so, despite the104 / Your Erroneous Zonesguilt-engendering protestations from other members of your family. These kinds of behavior will help you to tackle that omnipresent
guilt that so many sectors of the environment are adept at helping
you to choose. • The following dialogue represents a role-working exercise in a
counseling group led by myself, in which a young girl (23) was
confronting her mother (being played by another group member)
about wanting to leave the nest. The mother was using every con-
ceivable guilt-producing response to keep her from leaving home. This dialogue was the end product of an hour of teaching the
daughter how to outmaneuver her mother’s guilt-producing state-
ments. DAUGHTER : Mother—I’m leaving home. MOTHER : If you do, I’ll have a heart attack, you know how
my heart is, and how I need you to help me with my medicine
and all. DAUGHTER : You’re concerned about your health and you
think you can’t make it without me. MOTHER : Of course I can’t. Look, I’ve been good to you all
these years, and now you’re just walking out, leaving me
here to die. If that’s all you think of your mother, go ahead. DAUGHTER : You think that because you’ve helped me as a
child that I should repay you by staying here and not become
independent and be on my own. MOTHER : (Clutching at her chest) I’m having a tachycardia
attack right now. I think I’m going to die. You’re killing me,
that’s what you’re doing. DAUGHTER : Is there anything you’d like to say to me before
you leave?”
In this dialogue, the daughter refused to yield to the obvious guilt
producers offered by her mother. The daughter had been aTHE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 105literal slave, and any effort to be on her own had always been met
with guilt-engendering talk. Mamma was willing to use anything
to keep her daughter dependent and in her control, and the daughter
either had to learn new responses or be a slave to her mother and
her own guilt for the rest of her life. Take careful notice of the
daughter’s responses. They all begin with references to her mother
as responsible for her own feelings. By saying “You feel,” rather
than “I feel,” the potential for guilt is tactfully minimized. Such is guilt in our culture—a convenient tool for manipulating
others and a futile waste of time. Worry, the other side of the coin,
is diagnostically identical to guilt, but focuses exclusively on the
future and all of the terrible things that might  happen. A Closer Look at Worry
There is nothing to worry about! Absolutely nothing. You can
spend the rest of your life, beginning right now, worrying about the
future, and no amount of your worry will change a thing. Remember
that worry is defined as being immobilized in the present as a result
of things that are going or not going to happen in the future. You
must be careful not to confuse worrying with planning for the future. If you are planning, and the present-moment activity will contribute
to a more effective future, then this is not worry. It is worry only
when you are in any way immobilized now about a future happen-
ing. Just as our society fosters guilt, so it encourages worry. Once again
it all begins with equating worrying with caring. If you care about
someone, the message goes, then you are bound to worry about the
person. Thus, you’ll hear sentences like, “Of course I’m worried, it’s
only natural when you care about someone” or “I can’t help worry-
ing, it’s because I love you.” Thus, you prove your love by doing an
appropriate amount of worrying at the correct time.106 / Your Erroneous ZonesWorry is endemic to our culture. Almost everyone spends an in-
ordinate amount of present moments worrying about the future. And all of it is for naught. Not one moment of worry will make
things any better. In fact, worry will very likely help you to be less
effective in dealing with the present. Moreover, worry has nothing
to do with love which predicates a relationship in which each person
has the right to be what he chooses without any necessary conditions
imposed by the other. Think of yourself as being alive in 1860, at the beginning of the
Civil War. The country is mobilizing for war, and there are approx-
imately thirty-two million people in the United States. Each of those
thirty-two million folks has hundreds of things to worry about and
they spend many present moments agonizing about the future. They
worry about war, the price of food, the draughts, the economy, all
the things that you worry about today. In 1975, some 115 years later,
all of those worriers are dead and all their combined worrying did
not change a moment of what is now history. The same is true of
your own worry times. When the earth is populated by an entirely
new crew, will any of your worry moments have made a difference? No. And, do any of your worry times make a difference today, in
terms of changing the things you worry about? No, again. Then this
is one zone that you must tidy up, since you are just wasting those
precious present moments on behavior that has absolutely no posit-
ive payoff for you. Much of your worry concerns things over which you have no
control. You can worry all you want about war, or the economy, or
possible illness, but worry won’t bring peace or prosperity or health. As an individual you have little control over any of those things. Moreover the catastrophe you’re worrying about frequently turns
out to be less horrible in reality than it was in your imagination. I worked with Harold, who was forty-seven years old, for several
months. He was worried about being laid off and not being able to
support his family. He was a compulsive worrier. He began losing
weight, was unable to sleep and was gettingTHE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 107sick frequently. In counseling, we talked about the futility of worry
and how he could choose to be content. But Harold was a true
worrier, and he felt that it was his responsibility to worry about
possible impending disaster every day. Finally, after months of
worry, he did receive his pink slip and was unemployed for the first
time in his life. Within three days, he had secured another position,
one which paid more, and gave him a great deal more satisfaction. He had used his compulsiveness to find the new job. His search was
rapid and relentless. And all of his worry had been useless. His
family had not starved, and Harold had not collapsed. Like most
worry-producing gloom pictures in one’s head, the eventuality res-
ulted in benefits, rather than horror. Harold learned firsthand the
futility of worry, and he has actually begun to adopt a nonworry
stance in his life. In a clever essay on worry in The New Yorker,  entitled “Look for
the Rusty Lining,” Ralph Schoenstein satirizes worry. What a list! Something old and something new, something
cosmic yet something trivial too, for the creative worrier must
forever blend the pedestrian with the immemorial. If the sun
burns out, will the Mets be able to play their entire schedule at
night? If cryogenically frozen human beings are ever revived,
will they have to re-register to vote? And if the little toe disap-
pears, will field goals play a smaller part in the National Foot-
ball League? *
You may be in the professional worrier classification, creating
unnecessary stress and anxiety in your life as a result of the choices
you are making to worry about every conceivable kind of activity. Or you may be a minor league worrier concerned only about your
own personal problems. The following list rep-
*Ralph Schoenstein, “Look for the Rusty Lining,” The New Yorker  (Feb. 3, 1975).108 / Your Erroneous Zonesresents the most common responses to the question, “What do you
worry about?”
Typical Worry Behaviors in our Culture
I gathered the following data from some two hundred adults at
a lecture one evening. I call this your worry sheet, and you can give
yourself “worry points” similar to the “guilt points” discussed above. They are not listed in any particular sequence of frequency or im-
portance. The parenthetical statements represent the kinds of sen-
tences that justify the worry. YOUR WORRY SHEET
I worry about…
1. My children  (“Everyone worries about their children, I wouldn’t
be a very good parent if I didn’t, now would I?”)
2. My health  (“If you don’t worry about your health, you could die
at anytime!”)
3. Dying  (“No one wants to die. Everyone worries about death.”)
4. My job  (“If you don’t worry about it, you might lose it.”)
5. The economy  (“Someone ought to worry about it, the President
doesn’t seem to care.”)
6. Having a heart attack  (“Everyone does, don’t they?” “Your heart
could go at any minute.”)
7. Security  (“If you don’t worry about security, you’ll find yourself
in the poorhouse, or on welfare.”)
8. My wife’s/husband’s happiness  (“God knows I spend a lot of time
worrying about him/her being happy, and they still don’t appre-
ciate it.”)THE USELESS EMOTIONS—GUILT AND WORRY  / 1099. Am I doing the right thing? (“I always worry about doing things
right, that way I know I’m okay.”)
10. Having a healthy child if you’re pregnant  (“Every mother-to-be
worries about that.”)
11. Prices  (“Somebody ought to worry about them before they
skyrocket out of sight.”)
12. Accidents  (“I always worry that my spouse or the children will
have an accident. It’s only natural, isn’t it?”)
13. What others will think  (“I worry about my friends not liking
me.”)
14. My weight  (“No one wants to be fat, so naturally I worry about
not gaining back any of the weight I lost.”)
15. Money  (“We never seem to have enough, and I worry that
someday we’ll be broke and have to go on welfare.”)
16. My car breaking down  (“It’s an old clunker and I drive it on the
expressway, so of course I worry about it and what might happen
if it did.”)
17. My bills  (“Everyone worries about paying their bills. You
wouldn’t be human if you didn’t worry about bills.”)
18. My parents dying  (“I don’t know what I’d do if they died, it
worries me sick. I worry about being alone, I don’t think I could
handle it.”)
19. Getting into heaven or what if there is no God  (“I can’t stand the
idea of there being nothing.”)
20. The weather  (“I plan things like a picnic and maybe it’ll rain. I
worry about having snow for skiing.”)
21.
Your_Eroneous_Zones_by_Wayne_Dyer.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        • In a conversation, you can clock the amount of time thatYOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 71you speak and compare it with the amount spoken by your partner
and acquaintances. You can work at not being the one who speaks
infrequently and only when asked to participate. • You can observe at your next get-together how many more times
you are interrupted, and whether you always condescend when you
speak simultaneously with another member of the group. Your ap-
proval-seeking may be taking the form of timidity. You can devise
strategies for speaking without being interrupted by labeling the
behavior as it crops up in your social milieu. • Chronicle how many declarative versus interrogative sentences
you make. Do you ask questions, seek permission and approval, as
opposed to making a statement. For example, the question, “Nice
day, isn’t it. ” puts the other person into the problem-solving role,
and you into the approval-seeking position. A simple, “Nice day”
is a declaration, rather than an attempt to seek an answer. If you are
always asking questions of others you are into approval-seeking in
what may seem a petty area, but which is reflective of your lack of
confidence in your own ability to take charge. These are the beginning steps to eliminating approval-seeking as
a need in your life. While you are not striving to wipe out all approv-
al, you are working toward not being immobilized in any small way
because you don’t get the blandishments you covet. Applause is
pleasant and approval is a delightful experience. What you seek is
immunity from pain when you don’t get the cheers. Just as the dieter
does not test his mettle for losing weight on a full stomach, or the
individual who is quitting smoking doesn’t measure his resolve after
just putting out a cigarette, you won’t really test yourself in the ab-
sence of disapproval. You can vow until you’re orange in the face
that you can handle disfavor and that you are not going to demand
tribute from everyone, but until you are faced with the circumstances
of contention you won’t know how you are doing. If you can72 / Your Erroneous Zoneseliminate this troublesome erroneous zone from your life, the rest
will seem easy, because you have been conditioned to need approval
from your first breath on this earth. It will require a great deal of
practice, but it is worth every bit of effort you put into it. Immunity
from despair in the face of disapproval is the ticket to a lifetime of
delectable personal present-moment freedom. YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 73IV
BREAKING FREE FROM
THE PAST
Only a ghost wallows around in his past, explaining
himself with self-descriptors based on a life lived
through. You are what you choose today, not what
you’ve chosen before. W ho are you. How do you describe yourself. To answer these
two questions, you will very likely have to refer to your own history,
to a past that has been lived through, but to which you are un-
doubtedly tied, and from which you find it difficult to escape. What
are your self-descriptors. Are they neat little labels that you have
accumulated over a lifetime. Do you have a drawer full of self-
definitions which you use on a regular basis. They may include tags
such as I’m nervous, I’m shy, I’m lazy, I’m not musical, I’m clumsy,
I’m forgetful, and a whole catalog of additional I’ms that you use. You probably have many positive I’ms such as I’m loving, I’m good
at bridge, I’m sweet, as well. These will not be dealt with here since
the purpose of this chapter is to help you grow, rather than to ap-
plaud you for the areas of your life where you are operating effect-
ively. Self-descriptors are not in themselves inappropriate, but they
74can be used in harmful ways. The very act of labeling might be a
specific deterrent to growth. It’s easy to use the label as justification
for remaining the same. Sören Kierkegaard wrote, “Once you label
me, you negate me. ” When the individual must live up to the label,
the self ceases to exist. The same is true of self-labels. You could be
negating yourself by identifying with your trademarks, rather than
your own potential for growth. All self-labels come out of an individual’s history. But the past,
as Carl Sandburg said in Prairie,  “is a bucket of ashes. ”
Check yourself out on the extent to which you are chained to your
past. All self-defeating “I’ms” are the result of the use of these four
neurotic sentences:
(1) “That’s me. ”
(2) “I’ve always been that way. ”
(3) “I can’t help it. ”
(4) “That’s my nature. ”
There they are in one little package. The connectors that keep you
from growing, changing and making your life (from this instant
on—which is all the life you have) new, exciting and heaped with
present-moment fulfillment. I know of a grandmother who, each Sunday when she has the
family over for dinner, decides exactly how much each person will
eat by deliberately portioning out plates to her own specifications. She gives each person two slices of meat, a spoonful of peas, a clump
of potatoes, and on and on. When asked, “Why do you do that. ”
she responds with, “Oh, I’ve always been that way. ” Why. Because
“That’s just the way I am. ” Grandma’s rationale for her behavior is
her own label which comes from a past of always having behaved
in that manner. Some people will actually use all four sentences in one shot when
confronted with their behavior. You might ask someone why he al-
ways gets upset when the subject of accidents arisesBREAKING FREE FROM THE PAST  / 75and he is likely to respond, “Oh, that’s just me, I’ve always been that
way. I really can’t help it, it’s just my nature. ” Whew. All four at
once, and each being used as an explanation for why he will never
be different and never even consider changing. Your I’ms which describe self-canceling behavior can be traced
to something that you’ve learned in the past. And every time you
use one of these four sentences you are really saying, “And I intend
to continue being the way I’ve always been. ”
You can begin to unknot the ropes that link you to your past and
eliminate the fruitless sentences which are spoken to keep you just
as you’ve always been. Here is a typical list of “I’ms” that may be included in your own
self-portrait
I’m Fat I’m a Lousy Cook I’m Shy
“Not Musical “a Poor Speller “Lazy
“Not Athletic “Tired Easily “Timid
“Sloppy “Sickly “Afraid
“Stubborn “Gauche “Clumsy
“Immature “Accident Prone “Anxious
“Meticulous “Short Fused “Forgetful
“Careless “Hostile “Not Mechanical
“Vindictive “Solemn “Poor at Mathematics
“Irresponsible “Apathetic “A Loner
“Nervous “Bored “Frigid
You are probably in there several times, or perhaps you are con-
juring up your own list. The point is not which labels you choose,
but that you choose to label yourself at all. If you are genuinely sat-
isfied with any of the I’ms, then let them be, but if you can admit to
any of these or other I’ms getting in your way at times, it’s time to
make some changes. Let’s begin with an understanding of the origins
of the I’ms. People want to label you, to pigeonhole you into neat little76 / Your Erroneous Zonescategories. It’s easier that way. D. H. Lawrence saw the folly of this
labeling process in his poem What Is He. *
What is he. —A man, of course. Yes, but what does he do. —He lives and is a man. Oh quite. but he must work. He must have a job of some
sort. —Why. Because obviously he’s not one of the leisured classes. —I don’t know. He has lots of leisure. And he makes quite
beautiful chairs. There you are then. He’s a cabinet maker. —No, no. Anyhow a carpenter and joiner. —Not at all. But you said so. —What did I say. That he made chairs, and was a joiner and carpenter. —I said he made chairs, but I did not say he was a
carpenter. All right then, he’s just an amateur. —Perhaps. Would you say a thrush was a professional
flautist, or just an amateur. I’d say it was just a bird. —And I say he is just a man. All right. You always did quibble. How Those “I’ms” Got Started
The antecedents to your I’ms fall into two categories. The first
kind of labels come from other people. They were pinned
* The Complete Poems of D.
By recognizing and challenging the self-destructive thoughts and behaviors, and making a conscious choice to change.
What is one way to eliminate self-destructive behaviors, according to the text?
The author suggests that instead of using self-labels, one should take responsibility for their actions and choices.
What is the author suggesting as an alternative to using self-labels to justify avoiding certain activities?
The author does not believe in the concept of human nature, stating that "there is no such thing as human nature."
What is the author's stance on the idea of human nature?
The text suggests that one way to eliminate guilt and worry is to recognize that they are not a natural part of human nature, but rather a learned behavior, and to take responsibility for one's choices and actions.
According to the text, what is one way to eliminate guilt and worry?
The author emphasizes the importance of recognizing and challenging these labels, and reframing them in a more empowering and growth-oriented manner.
What is the author's message about the concept of "I'm" labels?