A
very rewarding experience usually ensues, which will take dif ferent forms
depending on the circumstances. Another cause for apathy is the residual of a previously experienced
traumatic overwhelm which has not been resolved. The mind projects on to
the future with the expectation that the past will be repeated. When we
discover this unconscious dynamic, we can choose to look again at the
emotional complex, disassemble it into its component parts, let go of the
negative aspects, and let go of our resistance to the positive ones. As we do
this, our perspective of the future changes. W e can for give ourselves that, at
the time of the previous emotional overwhelm, we simply didn’ t know how
to handle it. There were a lot of residuals that left us emotionally disabled at
that time. But, because in the unconscious mind there is no such thing as
time, we can choose at any time in the present to heal the past event. As wego through our own emotional healing for our own sake, that past event
now begins to take on a dif ferent meaning. Our Higher Self begins to create
a new context for it. W e can see the hidden gift. W e can end up
acknowledging with gratitude that it gave us a new opportunity to learn, to
grow , and to acquire wisdom. One of the most common areas in which we see this emotional
crippling is after divorce. All too often it is followed by bitterness and the
impaired capacity to create a new loving relationship. The unwillingness to
let go of the blame continues the emotional crippling, which can go on for
years, or even a lifetime. When we come upon bitterness, what we have really discovered is an
unhealed area in our own emotional makeup, and the ef fort that we put into
healing it will bring enormous rewards. In any situation which involves
suf fering, we have to ask ourselves: “How long am I willing to pay the
cost? What were the karmic propensities to begin with? How much blame is
enough? Is there a time to call an end to it? How long will I hang on to it? How much sacrifice am I willing to pay to the other person for their
wrongs, real or imaginary? How much guilt is enough? How much self-
punishment is enough? When will I give up the secret pleasure of the self-
punishment? When does the sentence come to an end?” When we really
examine it, we will always find that we have been punishing ourselves for
ignorance, naïveté, innocence, and lack of inner education. W e can ask ourselves: “When was I ever trained in the techniques of
emotional self-healing? When I went to school, did they teach me courses
on consciousness? Did anybody ever tell me that I had the freedom to
choose what went into my mind? W as I ever taught that I could refuse all of
the negative programming? Did anybody ever tell me the laws of
consciousness?” If not, why beat ourselves up about having innocently
believed certain things? Why not stop beating ourselves up right now? W e all did what we thought was best in the moment. “It seemed like a
good idea at the time” is what we can say about our past actions and those
of others. W e’ve all been unwittingly programmed without our conscious
assent. Out of our confusion, ignorance, and naïveté, we bought into the
negative programs. W e let them run us. But now we can choose to stop. W e
can choose a dif ferent direction. W e can choose to become more aware,
more conscious, more responsible, and more discerning. W e can refuse to
sit there like a blank tape recorder , taking in every program the world handsus. The world is only too willing to exploit our naiveté and play upon our
smallness, with all of its vanities and fears. When we become aware of how we were manipulated, exploited, and
taken in, anger is going to come up. Be ready to handle it. It’ s okay to be
angry . It’ s better to be angry than apathetic by a long shot. In anger , we
have a lot of ener gy . W e can do something about it. W e can take action. W e
can change our mind. W e can reverse direction. Then, it’ s easy to jump
from anger to courage. On the level of courage, we can see it, examine it,
and observe how it all happens. W e begin to see that our smallness was a bill of goods that we bought. In that investigation, we will stumble upon our own inner innocence. When
we rediscover it, we can let go of a lot of guilt. When the guilt goes,
necessity for self-punishment goes with it, and that lifts us right out of
apathy and depression. W e can choose to revalidate ourselves, our value,
and our worth. And we can see how others were programmed just as we
were. They , too, were doing what they thought was best at the time. W e
don’ t have to blame them or ourselves any more. W e can give up the whole
blame game as obsolete and inef fectual. The Company W e Keep
Another valuable technique for getting out of apathy , depression, and
situations which are predominantly being run by the thought, “I can’ t,” is to
choose to be with other persons who have resolved the problem with which
we struggle. This is one of the great powers of self-help groups. When we
are in a negative state, we have given a lot of ener gy to negative thought
forms, and the positive thought forms are weak. Those who are in a higher
vibration are free of the ener gy from their negative thoughts and have
ener gized positive thought forms. Merely to be in their presence is
beneficial. In some self-help groups, this is called “hanging out with the
winners.” The benefit here is on the psychic level of consciousness, and
there is a transfer of positive ener gy and relighting of one’ s own latent
positive thought forms. In some self-help groups this is called “getting it by
osmosis.” It is not necessary to know how  it happens, but merely that it
does  happen. It is common to witness this phenomenon. For instance, in our society
most people have been trained to be logical and left-brained in their
orientation. However , some people from birth are right-brain oriented. Suchright-brain persons are characterized by greater powers of intuition,
creativity , telepathic communication, and awareness of thought forms and
ener gy vibrations. Frequently included among these capabilities is the
capacity to see the bio-ener gy field around the human body called the aura. When in the presence of people with this capacity , it becomes possible to
share that capacity . This was true even as a skeptical, logical, left-brain male scientist who
was in the company of people with a capacity to see auras. Upon following
their instructions on how to see the aura, surprisingly , there was indeed a
visible field of light around people’ s heads. In particular , the aura around
one man seemed to be almost like “ectoplasm” hung predominantly over his
left ear . On the right side of the head, however , there was practically
nothing to be seen. T o know whether this phenomenon was real and not
coming from the imagination, it was confirmed by poking someone nearby
who was adept at seeing auras. She also saw an aura that was very wide on
one side and practically absent on the other . The capacity to see auras was available only when in the presence of
others with that capacity . Upon leaving the instructional situation where
there had been people who could see auras, the capacity was no longer
there. In the following years, when in the company of friends who could see
auras, the capacity returned. One time, in the presence of a woman
psychologist at a clinic—whose job was that of psychic diagnosis by means
of observing people’ s auras and their changing color patterns—there
suddenly was the capacity not only to see auras, but also to see them in their
scintillating colors and watch the aura change in response to fluctuating
emotions. Just by talking with her , that capacity was suddenly available. It is as though when we are in the proximity of the auras of people with
certain capacities, some transfer of ability can take place. Simply put, we
are either positively or negatively influenced by the company we keep. It is
unlikely that we will overcome an inhibition if we choose to be in the
company of others who have our same problem. This phenomenon was evident in the case of a divorced woman who
came for a consultation. She wanted to know whether or not she should
have psychotherapy . Her complaints were a recurrent ulcer and migraine
headaches. As the story unfolded, great bitterness over an unfortunately
traumatic divorce came forth. She had joined a consciousness-raising
feminist group, she said. She described this particular group as almostcompletely made up of divorced women who were bitter , angry , and hateful
of men. As a group, they were getting a lot of payof f from their negativity . In reality , their lives were forlorn and rather pathetic, as they struggled to
regain their self-esteem through extremes and marked emotional imbalance. After listening to her story and investigating her life circumstances, it
was suggested that instead of psychotherapy , she follow one simple
recommendation for a period of three months. If it didn’ t work, then, she
could reassess the need for psychotherapy . The recommendation was
merely to discontinue her association with the group and with her bitter ,
divorced friends and, instead, seek the company of people who had
successfully re-established relationships despite former divorces. At first she resisted and claimed that she had nothing in common with
these group members. Then she acknowledged two basic facts. First, it was
far more ener gy-saving to foster relationships with positive people. Secondly , one of the laws of consciousness is that “like goes to like”;
bitterness attracts bitterness, whereas love attracts love. She asked herself,
“Where has my bitterness taken me? Have I gotten anything out of it that is
positive and helpful?” As time progressed, she stopped spending time with
her group and began to pursue relationships with healthier , more balanced
people. In the company of happier people, she had an exhilarated awareness of
how much negativity she was holding inside of herself. She began to be
aware that she was consciously holding negativity and choosing to hold it,
and she began to look at the cost of such negativity . Her whole social life
changed. She became smiling and happier . Her migraine headaches
disappeared. Eventually , she fell in love again and joked that falling in love
was the best cure she had ever discovered for an ulcer! If we find ourselves in the state of apathy , we can discover the
underlying program by asking ourselves what we are trying to prove. Are
we trying to prove that life is rotten? That this is a hopeless world? That it
wasn’ t our fault? That one can’ t find love? That happiness is impossible? What are we trying to justify? How much are we willing to pay to be
“right”? As we acknowledge and let go of the feelings that arise in response
to these questions, the answers begin to appear . CHAPTER
5
G R I E F
Grief is an experience common to us all. In grief, we feel that things are too
dif ficult; we’ll never make it; we are unloving and unlovable. W e have
thoughts such as, “All the years I’ve wasted.” It is a feeling of sadness and
loss. Loneliness. The feeling of “if only .” Regret. Feelings of abandonment,
pain, helplessness, and hopelessness. Nostalgia. Melancholy . Depression. Longing. Irretrievable loss. Heartbrokenness. Anguish. Disappointment. Pessimism. Grief can be precipitated by the loss of a belief system, a relationship, a
capacity or role, a hope about ourselves, or an overall attitude toward our
life, external circumstances, or institutions. It’ s the feeling: “I’ll never get
over this. This one is too dif ficult. I tried, but nothing helps.” There is a
feeling of vulnerability to pain and suf fering, and so we see a great deal of it
in the external world to reinforce and justify our own inner feeling. There is
a crying for someone to help because we can’ t do anything about it, and we
feel that maybe someone else can do it for us. This is in contradistinction to
apathy , where there is a feeling that no one can help. Allowing the Grief
Most of us carry a great deal of suppressed grief. Men especially are prone
to hide that particular feeling, as it is considered unmanly and un-masculine
to cry . Most people are afraid of the amount of grief they have suppressed;
they are terrified that they will be swamped and overwhelmed by it. People
will say , “If I were ever to start crying, I would never stop”; “There is somuch grief in the world, grief in my life, grief in my family and friends”;
“O, the untold tragedies of life! All of the disappointments and smashed
hopes!” Suppressed grief is responsible for many psychosomatic conditions
and health-related complaints. Instead of suppressing the feeling, if it is allowed to come up and be
relinquished, we can quickly jump from grief to acceptance. The continuing
grief over a loss is due to the resistance to accepting that state and allowing
the grief to expend itself. The persistence of a feeling is due to the
resistance to allowing it to be relinquished (e.g., “Cry me a river”). Once we
accept the fact that we can handle grief, we are already up into pride. The
feeling of “I can do it” and “I can handle it” brings us to courage. W ith the
courage to face our inner feelings and let them go, we thus move on to the
levels of acceptance and eventually peace. When we let go of a lot of grief
we have been holding over the years, our friends and family will notice a
change in our facial expression. Our step will be lighter and we will look
younger . Grief is time-limited. This fact gives us the courage and willingness to
face grief. If we don’ t resist the feeling of grief and totally surrender to it, it
will run out in about 10–20 minutes; then it will stop for variable lengths of
time. If we keep surrendering to it every time it comes up, then it will
eventually run out. W e just allow ourselves to experience it fully . W e only
have to tolerate an overwhelming grief for 10–20 minutes, and then all of a
sudden it will disappear . If we resist the grief, then it will go on and on. Suppressed grief can go on for years. In facing grief, we often have to acknowledge and let go of our shame
and embarrassment about having the feeling in the first place. For men this
is especially so. W e have to relinquish our fear of the feeling and our fear of
being swamped and overwhelmed by it. It helps to realize that letting go of
the resistance to the feeling moves us quickly through it. T raditionally ,
women have said out of their own experience and wisdom: “A good cry
makes me feel better .” Many a man has been surprised when he learned the
truth of this. Experientially , there was the surprising and almost immediate relief
from a pounding headache as soon as the grief about a past situation was
allowed to come up. As the grief surfaced, there was the sentence, “Men
don’ t cry .” After letting go of the masculine pride about crying, then up
came a fear that the crying would never stop once it was allowed to start.As soon as that fear was gone, then there was anger . It was anger at a
society that forces men to suppress their feelings, and anger at the notion
that men are not even supposed to have feelings. W ith the letting go of that
anger , the level of courage was reached, and then the needed crying could
be allowed. Not only was there relief from the headache but, when the
torrent of sobs subsided, a profound peacefulness settled. Henceforth, the
subject did not have to be avoided. Once a man has fully let the grief come up and totally freed himself
from that suppressed ener gy , he is peaceful and his view of his own
masculinity changes. He realizes that his masculinity is now more
complete. He is still just as much of a man, but now he is a man who can
also be in touch with and handle his own feelings. Consequently , he is more
adequate, more capable, more well-rounded, more understanding, more
mature, more capable of relating to and understanding others, more
compassionate, and more loving. The psychological basis of all grief and mourning is attachment. Attachment and dependence occur because we feel incomplete within
ourselves; therefore, we seek objects, people, relationships, places, and
concepts to fulfill inner needs. Because they are unconsciously utilized to
fulfill an inner need, they come to be identified as “mine.” As more ener gy
is poured into them, there is a transition from identifying with the external
objects as “mine” to being an actual extension of “me.” Loss of the object
or person is experienced as a loss of our own self and an important part of
our emotional economy . Loss is experienced as a diminution of the quality
of ourselves, which the object or person represented. The more emotional
ener gy invested in the object or person, the greater will be the feeling of
loss and the greater the pain associated with the undoing of the bonds of
dependence. Attachment creates a dependency , and dependency , because of
its nature, intrinsically carries with it a fear of loss. W ithin each person, there is the child, parent, and adult. When grief
comes up, it is rewarding to ask, “W ithin myself, is it the child, parent, or
adult that is the source of this feeling?” For example, the “child” within a
person is scared that something will happen to a beloved dog. It wonders,
“How will I make it?” The inner adult also feels grief, but the adult accepts
the inevitable. The little kitty or doggie is not immortal. The adult in us
regretfully accepts that impermanency is a reality of life. W e accept that ouryouth is not permanent, that many romantic relationships are not life-long,
and that our dog will one day die. Handling Loss
Because of the nature of attachment, the first state preceding the actual
experiencing of loss is that of fear of loss. This is usually defended in one
of two ways. One is to increase the intensity of the attachment by ever -
persistent attempts to strengthen the bonds. This approach is based on the
fantasy that “the greater the bond, the less likelihood of loss.” However , this
is the very maneuver that often precipitates loss in personal relationships,
because the other person struggles to be free of the possessive attachment
and the amount of restrictive control they feel being placed upon them. Thus, because what we hold in mind tends to manifest, the fear of a loss
can, paradoxically , be the mechanism of bringing about that loss. The second way that fear of loss is handled is by the psychological
mechanism of denial which is, in common language, called “playing
ostrich.” W e see this around us every day in its various forms of refusing to
face the inevitable. All the warning signs are there, but the person does not
take heed. Thus, the man who is obviously in the process of losing his job
tends not to notice. The partners in a marriage that is going down the drain
take no corrective action. The person with a serious disease ignores all of
the symptoms and avoids medical attention. The politicians fail to look at
social problems, hoping they will go away . Whole countries are oblivious to
the precarious state of existence (e.g., 9-11 attack). The motorist ignores the
ominous warning signals of a misbehaving engine. W e have all experienced
regret that we didn’ t pay attention to the warning signals of trouble ahead. T o handle the fear of loss, we have to look at what purpose the external
person or object serves in our life. What emotional need is being fulfilled? What emotions would arise were we to lose the object or the person? Loss
can be anticipated, and we can handle the various fears associated with the
sense of loss by disassembling the emotional complexes that they represent,
and letting go of the individual component feelings. Let’ s say , for example, that you have a pet dog to which you have been
attached for many years. It is obvious that old Rover is getting older . Y ou
find that you don’ t like to think about his advanced age, feeling
uncomfortable at the prospect of his death and putting it out of mind. As
you catch yourself doing this, you realize that these feelings are warningsignals and that you are not handling the emotional situation. And so, you
ask yourself, “What purpose is the dog serving in my life? What is his
emotional service to me?” Love, companionship, devotion, amusement, and
diversion. “W ill losing the dog leave these personal emotional needs
unfulfilled?” In looking at this, some of the fear can be acknowledged and
relinquished. Once the fear is let go, you don’ t have to resort to denial and
pretend to yourself that Rover will live forever . Another emotion associated with grief and mourning is that of anger . The loss of that which is important frequently brings up a feeling of rage,
which may be projected onto the world, society , individuals and, ultimately ,
God, who is held to be responsible for the nature of the universe. Anger
results from prior refusal to accept the fact that all relationships and
possessions in this life are transitory . Even the physical body , which is our
biggest attachment, eventually has to be relinquished, as everyone is aware. W e feel that what has become important or comforting to us is a
permanent attachment. Consequently , when that illusion is threatened, there
is anger , resentment, and self-pity , feelings which can result in chronic
bitterness. “Impotent rage” is associated with the desire to change the
nature of the world and the impossibility of doing so. In facing this fact of
existence, a major loss can therefore bring about a shift in our philosophical
position. One major loss can awaken us to the nature of all attachments and
all relationships, or we may again deny the obvious fact that all
relationships are transitory and furiously re-intensify existing bonds to
compensate for the loss. A part of handling denial of the inevitability of loss is seeing through
attempts at manipulation. In fantasy , the mind tries to develop tactics so as
to avoid the loss. This may take the form of becoming “gooder” or more
hard-working, more honest, more persevering, or more loyal. In religious
persons, this may take the form of trying to manipulate God by promises
and bar gains. In relationships, it may take the form of over -compensatory
behavior . The spouse becomes ever more dutiful, loving, and attentive in an
attempt to prevent a breakup. The inattentive husband suddenly starts
bringing home gifts and flowers instead of getting to the root cause of the
problem. When the denial breaks down, the manipulations have not worked, and
the fear has been passed through, then the depression itself, the actual
process of mourning and grief, takes place. All of these emotional stagescan be worked through much more rapidly by the process of letting go, in
which the inevitability of the emotion of grief is surrendered to and
replaced by a willingness to let go of resistance and let the process pass
through and complete itself. There can be a decision to let go of resisting
the grief. Instead of denial and resistance, you plunge into it and get over it. Y ou have a “good cry” over old Rover or the lost relationship. Associated with the feeling of grief is always a variable amount of
guilt. This is based on the fantasy that the loss represents a punishment or
that a dif ferent attitude or behavior would have prevented it from
happening. Unless it is relinquished, the guilt can then recycle and refuel
the anger and rage. The unacknowledged and unrelinquished rage may be
projected onto others in the environment in the form of blame. Blame
projected onto other relationships may , then, compound the loss by bringing
about further loss. This happens frequently between marital partners as a result of the
death of a child. It has been reported that the divorce rate among parents
who have lost children is as high as 90%. Because of the projection of
blame, a severe loss is then compounded by another severe loss—that of a
marital partner . An example of this type of reaction is the case of a forty-
year -old woman. She had an excellent marriage for twenty years with an
attentive, dutiful husband. Her youngest son developed leukemia. When he
died, she went into grief and mourning and, more importantly , developed a
rage reaction. It took the form of hatred. She hated the doctors; she hated
the hospital; she hated God; she hated her husband and the existing
children. Her rage became so uncontrollable that she became physically
violent and threatening. Several times the police had to be called to control
her violent behavior . Finally the other children left home out of fear of the
chaos, physical abuse, and menacing emotional states. Her husband left no
stone unturned in trying to help her with the rage, but she vented her fury
upon him as well, violently attacking him on several occasions. Finally , in
desperation and despair , he was driven from the home. The chaotic situation
ultimately ended in a divorce in which the woman lost her home. It was
almost five years before the rage subsided, at which time the woman had
destroyed her whole life and now had to start over from scratch, rebuilding
a new life. When all the negative emotions have been worked through,
surrendered to and let go of, relief finally occurs, and the former suf fering isreplaced by acceptance. Acceptance is dif ferent from resignation. In
resignation there are still residuals of the previous emotion left. There is
reluctance and a delaying of the true recognition of the facts. Resignation
says, “I don’ t like it, but I have to put up with it.”
W ith acceptance, resistance to the true nature of the facts has been
relinquished; thus, one of the signs of acceptance is serenity . W ith
acceptance, the struggle is over and life begins anew . The ener gies that were
bound up in the previous negative emotion are now freed up, so that the
healthier aspects of the personality are now re-ener gized. The creative
aspects of the mind develop opportunities for new life situations and further
options for growth and experience, accompanied by a new sense of
aliveness. A well-known and widely-practiced teaching is the Serenity
Prayer of the 12-Step groups:
God, Grant me the
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
Courage to change the things I can, and the
W isdom to know the dif ference. Failure to work through any of the various emotions associated with
mourning and loss can result in chronic stuckness in any of its components. Thus, it can result in prolonged depression, and prolonged states of denial
in which the death of the person is actually denied. Chronic guilt or refusal
to work through the emotions associated with loss can result in delayed
grief reaction and physical disease. The mechanisms behind this process are
explained in a later chapter on the relationship between mind and body . The
suppressed ener gy of the unrelinquished emotions reemer ges through the
body’ s endocrine and nervous system as an ener getic imbalance, which
impairs the flow of life ener gy through the body’ s acupuncture meridians. This results in pathologic changes in various or gans. It is a well-known fact
that the death rate among the bereaved is much higher than that of the
general population, especially in the first year or two following the death of
a spouse. One source of grief-related guilt is anger at the loved one for departing. This is often suppressed because it seems irrational to the conscious mind. The virtues of the departed loved one are enhanced and exaggerated in
fantasy , and this discrepancy compounds the guilt. How could we be angryat such a wonderful person? There is guilt about being angry at God, the
author of the universe, for having allowed the tragic event to take place. A sixty-year -old woman came into the of fice with multiple physical
complaints. She had asthma attacks, aller gies, bronchitis, frequent episodes
of pneumonia, and all kinds of breathing dif ficulties. During psychotherapy ,
it was revealed that her mother had died 22 years previously , and she stated
that, curiously , she had had no reaction to her mother ’ s death. Oddly ,
although it was her responsibility , she had not ordered a head stone to be
placed on her mother ’ s grave. From information given, it was obvious that
she had had an extremely dependent relationship with her mother , about
whom she was ambivalent because of the mother ’ s refusal to fill all of her
dependency needs. It took many months for her to work through her massive denial, which
was associated with guilt over her anger at her mother for leaving her . That
anger was directed inwardly at herself in the form of disease, which also
expressed her helplessness and her wish to cry out for her mother . The
suppressed desire to cry for the mother -loss led to a constant feeling that
she could not breathe. She hated herself for the love/hate feelings for her
mother , and the sum total of all her repressed emotions had reemer ged in
the form of her multiple respiratory symptoms and complaints
(“psychosomatic” illness). As she worked through the delayed mourning,
the reaction to grief and loss began to surface. The extent of her resistance
to working through these emotions and how that resistance had resulted in
her physical symptoms became very clear to her . Eventually , she went for
additional professional training to become a therapist working with the
dying in a hospice program. Pr eventing Grief
From the nature of the processes we have described, it becomes apparent
that severe mourning, loss, and the pathological reactions that may ensue
can be prevented by early recognition, and by preemptive surrender of the
associated feelings while they are still mild and can be handled without
excessive suf fering. As we have seen, the basis of all mourning and loss is attachment, plus
the denial of the transitory nature of all relationships. W e can begin by
looking at our lives, identifying those areas of attachment, and asking
ourselves: “What internal needs are they satisfying? What feeling wouldcome up if I were to lose them? How can my inner emotional life be
balanced so as to decrease the extent, degree, and number of attachments on
external objects and people?” The greater our attachment to that which is
outside of ourselves, the greater is our overall level of fear and vulnerability
to loss. W e can ask ourselves why we feel so incomplete. “Why am I so
empty within myself that I have to search for solutions in the form of
attachment and dependency on others?”
W e can begin to look at our own inner areas of immaturity . Specifically , we need to examine: “Where am I looking to get love rather
than to give it?” The more loving we are, the less vulnerable we are to grief
and loss, and the less we need to seek attachments. When we have
acknowledged and let go of all negative feelings, and we have graduated
from smallness to the recognition of our greatness so that our internal joy
comes from the pleasure of giving and loving, then we are really
invulnerable to loss. When the source of happiness is found within , we are
immune to the losses of the world. When we take a critical look at our life, we see all of the attachments
and escapes into which we have fallen. Each one represents a potential
future source of pain and suf fering. The really important areas should be
closely examined. Let’ s take, for example, the failure to face these issues in
the commonly seen, so-called retirement syndrome. T raditionally , this may
occur in women when the job of raising young children comes to an end
with their maturity and leaving home (“empty nest syndrome”), and with a
man when he reaches retirement age or loses his job, or through some
physical disablement is unable to carry on his previous work. The reaction
that typically occurs in middle age is due to the many years of pre-existing
denial. There is often a lack of facing the inevitable and making plans for
other life activities that would gratify the same inner needs which, in these
cases, are feelings of self-esteem, importance, the wanting to feel needed
and significant, and the need to make a contribution and be productive. Anticipation of the inevitable and preparing for it now bring relatively
minor discomfort compared to traumatic grief and loss at a later date. W e
can look at our major love relationships and honestly examine them. T o
what degree do they subserve our selfish inner needs? T o what degree are
we really using the other person to exploit them for our own gain? T o what
degree are they merely subserving our happiness? T o find out, all we need
to do is ask ourselves: “If their happiness were best served by leaving me,how would I feel about it?” This reveals the degree to which we are trying
to restrict and control the other person—which is attachment and not love. Over two thousand years ago, the Buddha made the observation that
the basis of all human suf fering was due to desire and attachment, and
human history has merely proven the truth of his teaching. What is the
solution to that dilemma? As we can see, it is only the small aspect of
oneself that becomes attached. The smaller self buys into the frightened,
inadequate set of programs that we have unwittingly allowed to run us. The
purpose of letting go is to de-ener gize these programs so that they no longer
run us; then, we are free to expand into the greater awareness of our Higher
Self. That part of us to which we refer as our “greater Self” loves rather than
seeks love. Consequently , there comes the awareness that we are at all times
surrounded by love, which is unlimited. Love is automatically attracted to
the person who is loving. By constantly letting go of our negative feelings, we thus cure present
pain and prophylactically prevent the occurrence of future pain. Fear is
replaced by trust and with it comes a profound sense of wellbeing. Immunity to grief of loss occurs when we replace dependence on the small
self (the personality) with dependence on the Self (the Divinity within). W e
look for security to the Self, which is eternal, instead of to the small self,
which is transitory . CHAPTER
6
F E A R
The many faces of fear are familiar to us all. W e have felt free-floating
anxiety and panic. W e have been paralyzed and frozen by fear , with its
accompanying palpitations and apprehension. W orries are chronic fears. Paranoia is its extreme. In milder forms of fear , we are merely uneasy . When it is more severe, we become scared, cautious, blocked, tense, shy ,
speechless, superstitious, defensive, distrustful, threatened, insecure,
dreading, suspicious, timid, trapped, guilty , and full of stage fright. There is
fear of pain and suf fering, fear of living, fear of loving, fear of closeness,
fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of God, fear of hell, fear of damnation,
fear of poverty , fear of ridicule and criticism, fear of being trapped, fear of
inadequacy , fear of danger , fear of disapproval, fear of boredom, fear of
responsibility , fear of making a decision, fear of authority , fear of
punishment, fear of change, fear of loss of security , fear of violence, fear of
losing control, fear of feelings themselves, fear of manipulation, fear of
being found out, fear of heights, fear of sex, fear of being on our own and
being responsible, and fear of fear itself. There is, moreover , a cause of fear of which many people are unaware:
the fear of retaliation. This fear arises from the desire to strike out, to hit
back, and to attack. As we let go of fear , we find that behind it, there is
often anger at the object of fear itself. The willingness to let go of the fear
and overcome it already moves us up to the next level, which is anger . The
fact that we can face this combination of fear/anger feelings and surrender it
moves us instantly up to pride and courage.The Fear of Public Speaking
One excellent experiment is to let go of the fear of fear itself. When we stop
being afraid of fear , we notice that it is just a feeling. In fact, fear is far
more tolerable than depression. Surprisingly , to a person who has been in
bad depression, the re-emer gence of fear is welcomed. It is better to feel
scared than hopeless. T o understand how fear is self-reinforcing, we have to stop and look at
another one of the laws of consciousness: What one holds in mind tends to
manifest . What this means is that any thought which we consistently hold in
mind and consistently give ener gy to will tend to come into our life
according to the very form in which our mind has held it. Thus, fear
engenders fearful thoughts. The more we hold these thoughts in mind, the
more likely the feared event will happen in our life, which again reinforces
our fear . As a medical intern, there was a fear of public speaking. At the very
thought of getting up in front of medical colleagues to present a patient’ s
case, the voice would fail out of sheer fright. Because of holding that fear ,
the inevitable situation arose that necessitated having to present the case of
a patient to the staf f meeting. After reading a few paragraphs of the case
history , the voice began to falter and get weaker and eventually stopped. The very fear that had been held in mind came to pass and, of course, that
occurrence reinforced a fear of public speaking and brought on apathy
about it. Henceforth, for many years, the limiting belief system operated: “I
can’ t speak in public. I’m just not a public speaker .” Any and all speaking
occasions were avoided, with the consequent loss of selfesteem, avoidance
of activities, and limitation of vocational goals. As the years passed, the fear took a somewhat dif ferent form. The
belief system was: “I don’ t want to speak, because I might be a boring and
bad speaker .” Finally , an occasion arose where it was necessary to speak in
a public meeting. There was the opportunity to sit down and find the
courage to face the fear . The inner dialogue was: “What’ s the worst possible
thing that could happen? W ell, you could be terribly boring.” This brought
to mind all the boring speeches given by others, and then it became possible
to accept that a boring speech was actually common and certainly not the
end of the world. There was a letting go of the pride and vanity behind that
fear . Y es, it just might happen that the speech would be terribly boring.The fateful day finally arrived. The paper was written out so all that
was needed was to read it. Y es, it would have been far more interesting to
give it extemporaneously , but there was an acknowledgement and
acceptance of the fear , and so the speech was written out beforehand. The
moment arrived to ascend the podium. Despite the inner fear and reading
the speech in a flat monotone voice, the feat was accomplished. Afterwards
some friends said, “That was technically a good paper but, boy , it sure was
boring.” The inner self, however , didn’ t care; it was jubilant that there had
been the courage and acceptance to face the situation and actually do it. The
fact that it was boring was irrelevant. What was important was that it was
done at all. Self-esteem increased because the fear and inhibition had been
overcome, and speaking engagements no longer had to be avoided. In fact,
the practice developed to begin all presentations with a warning to the
audience, “I am one of the most boring speakers around and, in fact, I can
be quite tedious.” Surprisingly , this brought a laugh from the audience. Their laughter signified acceptance of our common humanness, and so the
fears were lifted. It was discovered that humor is valuable in public speaking. It is a way
of just being at one with the humanness of the audience and discovering
their compassion. Once we are united with them in compassion, we can feel
their encouragement as they cheer us on. W e love them for relieving our
fear and accepting us, and they love us back for doing the very thing that
they themselves fear . Once this evolution through the levels of emotion is
made, there is an enjoyment of public speaking. W e find out that part of the
mind can be quite funny when the occasion arises. Eventually , with complete surrender , reading a prepared speech
dropped of f and the speaking became extemporaneous. W ith more
experience, the public speaking improved, which engendered more
speaking engagements. This allowed the accomplishment of many
vocational goals that heretofore had been thwarted. There were appearances
in the national media, such as talk shows on television. It is a long step from
being too frightened even to read a case history in front of a few interns to
enjoying oneself speaking on a television network to millions of viewers on
The Barbara W alter ’ s Show . W e all derive great benefit from liberating ourselves out of a fearful
inhibition into successful functioning, because that learning processautomatically spills over into many other areas of our life. W e become more
capable, freer and happier and, with that, there is an inner peace of mind. The Healing Effect of Love
Fear is so pandemic in our society that it constitutes the predominant ruling
emotion of our world, as we know it. Fear was also the predominant
emotion among the thousands of patients treated during the decades of
clinical practice. Fear is so extensive and takes so many forms that there are
not enough pages in this book to enumerate all of its varieties. Fear is associated with our survival, and so it is given a special accord
in our minds. For most people, fear is so all-pervasive that their life really
constitutes one giant set of compensatory devices to conquer their fears. However , even this does not suf fice, so that the media present us over and
over again with fearful situations, as in this morning’ s news: “T errorist
group threatens to poison our food supply .” Such headlines are constant, as
though to give the mind further opportunities to master that most dreaded of
all emotions. As the lyrics of the song put it, “W e are caught between a fear
of living and a fear of dying.”
When all the mind’ s compensatory devices fail and fear spills forth into
consciousness as overt anxiety attacks or phobias, the person is labeled as
having an anxiety neurosis. It is informative to note that the tranquilizer
V alium is the biggest selling drug in America. Fears tend to escalate. Thus, the typical patient with phobias shows a
progressive extension of the fear into more and more avenues of life,
leading to further and further restrictions of activity , and, in severe cases, to
total immobilization. This was the case of a patient named Betty . Betty was thirty-four years old, but she looked much older because she
was thin and drawn. She entered the of fice carrying armloads of paper bags,
which were later found to contain 56 dif ferent bottles of health store
preparations, vitamins, nutritional supplements, plus several bags of special
food. Her fear had started out as a germ phobia and soon everything around
her seemed to be possibly contaminated with germs. She had many health
fears of contracting contagious diseases, which had progressed now to a
fear of cancer . She believed every scare story she read, so she was afraid of
nearly every food, the air she breathed, and getting sunshine on her skin. She wore white clothes because she was afraid of dyes in the materials.In the of fice, she would never sit down because she was afraid that the
chair might be contaminated. Whenever she needed a prescription, she
asked that it be written from the middle of the prescription pad which had
not been touched. Furthermore, she wanted to tear the page from the pad
herself; she didn’ t want me to touch it because possibly I had gotten germs
from shaking hands with the last patient. She wore white gloves at all times. She requested to be treated by telephone as she was too afraid of making
the trip to the of fice again. The following week on the telephone, she said that she was afraid to
get up. She would call from home while still in bed because now she was
afraid to go out on the streets. She had developed a fear of muggers, rapists,
and air pollution. At the same time, she was afraid to stay home in bed for
fear that she might get worse and, to compound all her other fears, she was
afraid that she was losing her mind. She was afraid that the medication
wouldn’ t help her and that it might have side ef fects, but she was afraid not
to take it for fear that she would not get better . Now she said that she had a
fear that she might choke on the pills and had stopped taking even her
health pills, much less the prescribed medication. Her fears were so paralyzing that every therapeutic maneuver was
totally stymied. She wouldn’ t allow me to talk to her family . She was afraid
they would find out that she was seeing a psychiatrist and think she was
crazy . I was totally baf fled and racked my brain for weeks on how I could
possibly help her . Finally , I let go. I experienced the relief of surrender in
that I just totally gave up: “There is absolutely nothing I can do to help her . The only thing left to do is just to love her .”
And, so, that’ s what I did. I just thought of her lovingly , and frequently
I sent her loving thoughts. I gave her as much love as I could possibly give
when we talked on the telephone and, finally , after a couple of months of
“loving therapy ,” she got suf ficiently better to come to the of fice. As time
went on, she improved and her fears and inhibitions began to diminish,
though she never did develop any insight. She was too afraid of talking
about psychological matters, she said, and so over the months and
eventually years of treatment, the only thing I ever did was to love her . This case illustrates a concept that we previously presented in the
chapter on apathy; that is, a higher vibration, such as love, has a healing
ef fect on a lower vibration, such as that in the patient’ s case, fear . This love
is the mechanism of reassurance, and very often we can quiet anotherperson’ s fears by our mere physical presence, and by the loving ener gy that
we project to them and with which we surround them. It is not what we say ,
but the very fact of our presence that has the healing ef fect. W e can learn another one of the laws of consciousness: Fear is healed
by love . This is the central theme of the series of books by psychiatrist Jerry
Jampolsky (e.g., Love is Letting Go of Fear ). This was also the basis of the
healing that went on at the Attitudinal Healing Center in Manhasset, Long
Island, of which I was co-founder and medical advisor . Attitudinal healing
has to do with group interaction with patients who have fatal and
catastrophic illnesses, and the whole process of healing has to do with the
letting go of fear and replacing it with love. This is the same mechanism of healing demonstrated by the great saints
and illumined healers, whose very presence has the power to heal because
of the intense vibration of love which they radiate. This healing power—the
basis of spiritual healing—is also transmitted by loving thoughts. The
multitudes of people down through recorded history who have healed by
just this kind of love are legendary . In recent history , for instance, Mother
T eresa is credited with healing great numbers of people by these very
mechanisms of unconditional love and illumined presence. T o people who
are unfamiliar with the laws of consciousness, these types of cures seem
miraculous. But to those who are familiar with the laws of consciousness,
such phenomena are commonplace and to be expected. High levels of
consciousness are in themselves capable of healing, transforming, and
enlightening others. The value of the surrendering mechanism is that, by
letting go of the blocks to love, our capacity to love increases progressively ,
and loving ener gy has the capacity to heal ourselves as well as others. The only drawback to these types of healings is that often the healing is
sustained while in proximity to a person capable of radiating high levels of
love, but the illness returns when people leave that presence, unless they
themselves have learned to elevate their own consciousness. “W ell,” you might ask, “if sending loving thoughts has a healing
power , how come we see all the sick people in hospitals, whose families are
so solicitous? Why does the love of the family not heal the patient?” The
answer is to look at the kinds of thoughts that are being sent by the family
to the patient. As you examine them, you will find that they are primarily
thoughts of anguish and fear , accompanied by guilt and ambivalence.W e might picture love to be like the sunlight and negative thoughts like
the clouds. Whereas our higher , greater Self is like the sun, all the negative
thoughts, doubts, fears, anger , and resentments that we hold dim the light of
the sun and, finally , the light comes through only weakly . It was Jesus
Christ who said that we all, with faith, potentially have the power to heal. The saint, or person of high consciousness, is by definition one who has
removed the clouds of negativity and radiates the full healing power of the
sun. That is also why saintly beings have such magnetic power that they
attract multitudes to their physical presence. As an example, when the late
Indian saint Sri Ramana Maharshi had a birthday , 25,000 people stood in
the sweltering tropical sun shoulder -to-shoulder in one solid mass to
celebrate his presence and wish him well. As we consistently let go of resisting our fears and allow them to be
surrendered, the ener gy that was tied up in the fear is relinquished and now
becomes available to shine forth as the ener gy of love. Therefore,
unconditional love has the greatest power of all, and that love is the power
of the celebrated saints. Unconditional love is also the power of the mother
and of the father , the presence of whom is so essential to the children’ s
learning to love as they grow . It was Sigmund Freud who observed that the
most fortunate thing that can happen to us growing up is to be our mother ’ s
favorite child. What about those of us who did not have the fortunate experience of
being bathed in unconditional love as we grew up? There is the commonly
held belief that if we did not have this experience, then we are somehow
scarred or crippled for life; actually , this is not so. A person who has
experienced a great deal of love in early life has fewer fears and a head
start, but this love is intrinsic within all of us. By the very nature of our
being and by the very nature of the life ener gy that flows through us and
empowers us to breathe and to think, we all have that same vibrational
ener gy level of love within us. If, in looking at ourselves, we see that we have allowed the experience
of our own nature to become blocked of f by extensive fears, then we can
rediscover the love within us by utilizing the mechanism of surrender and,
thus, letting go of the clouds of negativity . By rediscovering this inner love,
we rediscover the true source of happiness. Owning the “Shadow”One of the blocks to emotional development is the fear of what lies buried
in our unconscious. Carl Jung called this area, which we are unwilling to
look at and to own, the “shadow .” He said that the self cannot become
healed and whole unless we look at and acknowledge the shadow . This
means that buried within us all, in what Jung called the “collective
unconscious,” is everything that we most dislike admitting about ourselves. The average human, he said, would much rather project his shadow onto the
world and condemn it and see it as evil, thinking that his problem is to
battle with evil in the world. In actuality , the problem is merely to
acknowledge the presence of such thoughts and impulses in ourselves. By
acknowledging them, they become quiet. Once they are quiet, they no
longer unconsciously run us. In looking at our fears of the unknown, which are really fears of what
is in the depths of the unconscious, it is useful to have a sense of humor . Once looked at and acknowledged, the shadow no longer has any power . In
fact, it is only our fear of these thoughts and impulses that give them any
power . Once we become acquainted with our shadow , we no longer have to
project our fears upon the world, and they begin to evaporate rapidly . What makes the endless television programs, which are concerned with
mayhem and its various forms, so attractive? It is because what is being
acted out on the screen, where it is safe, are all the forbidden unconscious
fantasies in our own psyche. Once we are willing to look at the same
movies on the TV screen of our own minds and see whence they really
originate, the attraction of such “entertainment” disappears. People who
have acknowledged the content of their own shadow have no interest in
crime, violence, and fearful disasters. One of the blocks to becoming acquainted with the fears in one’ s own
mind is the fear of the opinions of others. The wanting of their approval
goes on inside of our minds in a constant fantasy . W e identify with the
opinions of others, including authority figures, and coalesce this in such a
way that we hear it as our own opinion of ourselves. In looking at fears, then, it is well to remember that Carl Jung saw this
reservoir of the forbidden inside the shadow as a part of the collective
unconscious . The term collective unconscious means that everybody  has
these thoughts and fantasies. There is nothing unique about any of us when
it comes to the way we symbolize our emotions. Everybody secretly
harbors the fear that they are dumb, ugly , unlovable, and a failure.The unconscious mind is not polite. It thinks in gross concepts. When it
thinks of the phrase “Murder the bum!,” the unconscious literally means
that. Look deep within yourself the next time somebody cuts you of f in
traf fic, and picture what you would really do to that person if you were
strictly honest with yourself and did not censor the image coming to mind. Y ou’d like to run them of f the road, wouldn’ t you? Pulverize them. Push
them of f the clif f. Isn’ t that right? That’ s the way the unconscious thinks. The reason that a sense of humor is useful is because these images are
comical once we look at them. There is nothing awful about it; it is just the
way the unconscious handles images. It doesn’ t mean that you are a rotten
person or that you are potentially a criminal. It just means that you have
gotten honest and faced how the human animal mind operates in this
dimension. There is no point in getting melodramatic, self-critical, or tragic
about it. The unconscious is crude and uncivilized. While your intellect
went to prep school, your unconscious remained in the jungle where it is
still swinging in the trees! Looking at the shadow side is not a time to get
prissy or squeamish. It’ s not a time to take it literally either , because the
symbols of the unconscious are just that: they are symbols, and they are
primitive in nature. If worked with consciously , they can empower us rather
than inhibit us. It takes a lot of ener gy to keep the shadow buried and to suppress our
multitude of fears. The result is ener gy depletion. On the emotional level, it
is expressed as an inhibition of the capacity to love. In the world of consciousness, like goes to like, so that fear attracts fear
just as its corollary is true that love attracts love. The more fear we hold, the
more fearful situations we attract to our life. Each fear requires additional
ener gy to create a protective device until, finally , all of our ener gy is
drained into our extensive defensive measures. The willingness to look at a
fear and work with it until we are free of it brings about immediate rewards. Each of us has within us a certain reservoir of suppressed and repressed
fear . This quantity of fear spills into all areas of our life, colors all of our
experience, decreases our joy in life, and reflects itself in the musculature of
the face so as to af fect our physical appearance, our physical strength, and
the condition of health in all of the or gans in the body . Sustained and
chronic fear gradually suppresses the body’ s immune system. W ith
kinesiologic testing, we can instantly demonstrate that a fearful thought
causes a major reduction in muscle power and deranges the ener gy flowdown the body’ s ener gy meridians to the body’ s vital or gans. Although we
know that it is totally damaging to our relationships, health, and happiness,
we still hang on to fear . Why is that? W e have the unconscious fantasy that fear is keeping us alive; this is
because fear is associated with our whole set of survival mechanisms. W e
have the idea that, if we were to let go of fear , our main defense
mechanism, we would become vulnerable in some way . In reality , the truth
is just the opposite. Fear is what blinds us to the real dangers of life. In fact,
fear itself is the greatest danger that the human body faces. It is fear and
guilt that bring about disease and failure in every area of our lives. W e could take the same pr otective actions out of love rather than out of
fear . Can we not care for our bodies because we appreciate and value them,
rather than out of fear of disease and dying? Can we not be of service to
others in our life out of love, rather than out of fear of losing them? Can we
not be polite and courteous to strangers because we care for our fellow
human beings, rather than because we fear losing their good opinion of us? Can we not do a good job because we care about the quality of our
performance and we care about our fellow workers? Can we not perform
our job well because we care about the recipients of our services, rather
than just the fear of losing our jobs or pursuing our own ambition? Can we
not accomplish more by cooperation, rather than by fearful competition? Can we not drive carefully because we have a high regard for ourselves and
care for our welfare and those who love us, rather than because we fear an
accident? On a spiritual level, isn’ t it more ef fective if, out of compassion
and identification with our fellow human beings, we care for them, rather
than trying to love them out of fear of God’ s punishment if we don’ t? Guilt
One particular form of fear is what we call guilt. Guilt is always associated
with a feeling of wrongness and potential punishment, either real or in
fantasy . If punishment is not forthcoming in the external world, it expresses
itself as self-punishment on an emotional level. Guilt accompanies all of the
negative emotions and, thus, where there is fear , there is guilt. If you think a
guilty thought and have somebody test your muscle strength, you will see
that the muscle instantly goes weak. Y our cerebral hemisphere has become
desynchronized and all of your ener gy meridians are thrown out of balance. Nature, therefore, says that guilt is destructive.If guilt is so destructive, then why are there such paeans of praise
allotted to it? Why do so-called experts view guilt as beneficial? For
example, a psychiatrist wrote a magazine article in praise of guilt,
declaring: “Guilt is good for you.” He then qualified the statement with
“appropriate guilt.” Let’ s look at what guilt is really all about and see if we
agree or not. When you cross the street, you look both ways to see if a car is coming. How did this come about? When you were a child, you were told that it was
“bad” to cross the street. Thus, we see that guilt is really a substitute for a
sense of reality in a mind that is undeveloped, such as that of a child. It is a
learned behavior which is purportedly pragmatic: to prevent further error or
the repetition of a mistake. Ninety-nine percent of guilt has nothing
whatsoever to do with reality . In fact, the most pious, meek, and harmless
individuals are often riddled with guilt. Guilt is really self-condemnation
and self-invalidation of our worth and value as a human being. Guilt is as prevalent as fear , and we feel guilty no matter what we are
doing. A part of our mind says that we really ought to be doing something
else. Or , whatever we are actually doing at the moment, we ought to be
doing “better .” W e “should” be getting a better golf score. W e “should” be
reading a book instead of watching television. W e “should” make love
better . Cook better . Run faster . Grow taller . Be stronger . Be smarter . Be
more educated. In between the fear of living and the fear of dying is the
guilt of the moment. W e seek to escape it by remaining unaware of it
through suppression, repression, projecting it onto others, and escapism. Remaining unconscious of guilt (repression), however , does not solve
it. The guilt re-emer ges in the form of self-punishment and through
accidents, misfortune, loss of jobs and relationships, physical disease and
sickness, tiredness, exhaustion, and the multiple ways the ingenious mind
figures out how to bring about the loss of pleasure, joy , and aliveness. Guilt represents death just as love represents life. Guilt is part of the
smaller self and underlies our willingness to believe negative things about
ourselves. The happiness and joy of the day is instantly destroyed by one
negative remark from a family member , friend, or neighbor . Physical
disease is unlikely to exist without guilt, and guilt is a denial of our inner
intrinsic innocence. Why do we buy into so much garbage? Is it not because of our very
innocence? Is it not because, as we grew up, we trusted that what otherswere telling us was the truth? And even currently , do we still trust what
others are telling us is the truth? Is it not so that we have bought into ten
thousand lies and are willing to buy another ten thousand out of the naïveté
of our inner innocence? Is not that inner innocence the very reason for our
exploitability? In fact, when we look deep within ourselves, is it not
because of our very innocence that we believe ourselves to be guilty? It is because of our own inner innocence that we have bought into all
the negativity of the world and allowed it to kill our aliveness, destroy our
awareness of who we really are, and sell us the pathetic little smallness for
which we have settled. Is not ours the innocence of the newborn that cannot
defend itself and, with no capacity for discernment, could only allow itself
to be programmed, like a computer? T o see this means to become conscious. W e hear of consciousness-
raising programs and weekend seminars to expand our consciousness. What
does this mean? T o get some new complicated formulas? T o get
programmed with somebody else’ s idea of mystical truth? Most of the consciousness programs boil down to this essential point:
become aware of what we are buying into, what we are accepting daily . Let’ s look at what we have already been programmed with and begin to
question it, disassemble it, and let it go. Let’ s wake up and free ourselves
from being exploited and enslaved by the negative programming of the
world. W e will see it for what it is, which is an attempt by others to control
us; exploit us; extract our money , our services, our ener gy , our loyalties;
and capture our mind. The mechanisms whereby this comes about were so
beautifully exemplified in the movie, T r on , in which the very function of
“master control” was to enslave by progressive programming. When we see the truth of how programming happens, we will see that
we are the pure, blank computer . W e are the innocent space in which the
programming is occurring. When we look at all of this, we are going to get
angry . Anger is better than resignation, apathy , depression, and grief! It
means to take char ge of our mind instead of handing it to the television set,
the newspaper , the magazines, the neighbors, the conversations in the
subway , the chance remarks of the waitress, the garbage in and the garbage
out. What went into our memory banks was garbage, and when we see this,
we will have much less fear . W e will enjoy starting to let the feelings come
up, seeing them for what they are, clearing out all of the garbage, and
letting it all go.Once we have looked deep within ourselves and found that innate inner
innocence, we will stop hating ourselves. W e will stop condemning
ourselves and stop buying into the condemnation of others and their subtle
attempts to invalidate our worth as human beings. It’ s time to re-own our
own power and stop giving it away to every passing scammer who jiggles
our fears and shakes loose some money out of our pocketbook or enslaves
us to their cause, living of f of our ener gy . It’ s easy to get away from all that
fear because we have the power of choice now . W e fear that the inner voyage of discovery will lead us to some
dreadful, awful truth. In its programming of our minds, this is one of the
barriers that the world has set up to prevent us from finding out the real
truth. There is one thing the world does not want us to find out and that is
the truth about ourselves. Why? Because then we will become free. W e can
no longer be controlled, manipulated, exploited, drained, enslaved,
imprisoned, vilified, or disempowered. Therefore, the inner voyage of
discovery is cloaked over with an aura of mystery and foreboding. What is the real truth about this voyage?
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very rewarding experience usually ensues, which will take dif ferent forms
depending on the circumstances. Another cause for apathy is the residual of a previously experienced
traumatic overwhelm which has not been resolved. The mind projects on to
the future with the expectation that the past will be repeated. When we
discover this unconscious dynamic, we can choose to look again at the
emotional complex, disassemble it into its component parts, let go of the
negative aspects, and let go of our resistance to the positive ones. As we do
this, our perspective of the future changes. W e can for give ourselves that, at
the time of the previous emotional overwhelm, we simply didn’ t know how
to handle it. There were a lot of residuals that left us emotionally disabled at
that time. But, because in the unconscious mind there is no such thing as
time, we can choose at any time in the present to heal the past event. As wego through our own emotional healing for our own sake, that past event
now begins to take on a dif ferent meaning. Our Higher Self begins to create
a new context for it. W e can see the hidden gift. W e can end up
acknowledging with gratitude that it gave us a new opportunity to learn, to
grow, and to acquire wisdom. One of the most common areas in which we see this emotional
crippling is after divorce. All too often it is followed by bitterness and the
impaired capacity to create a new loving relationship. The unwillingness to
let go of the blame continues the emotional crippling, which can go on for
years, or even a lifetime. When we come upon bitterness, what we have really discovered is an
unhealed area in our own emotional makeup, and the ef fort that we put into
healing it will bring enormous rewards. In any situation which involves
suf fering, we have to ask ourselves: “How long am I willing to pay the
cost. What were the karmic propensities to begin with. How much blame is
enough. Is there a time to call an end to it. How long will I hang on to it. How much sacrifice am I willing to pay to the other person for their
wrongs, real or imaginary. How much guilt is enough. How much self-
punishment is enough. When will I give up the secret pleasure of the self-
punishment. When does the sentence come to an end. ” When we really
examine it, we will always find that we have been punishing ourselves for
ignorance, naïveté, innocence, and lack of inner education. W e can ask ourselves: “When was I ever trained in the techniques of
emotional self-healing. When I went to school, did they teach me courses
on consciousness. Did anybody ever tell me that I had the freedom to
choose what went into my mind. W as I ever taught that I could refuse all of
the negative programming. Did anybody ever tell me the laws of
consciousness. ” If not, why beat ourselves up about having innocently
believed certain things. Why not stop beating ourselves up right now. W e all did what we thought was best in the moment. “It seemed like a
good idea at the time” is what we can say about our past actions and those
of others. W e’ve all been unwittingly programmed without our conscious
assent. Out of our confusion, ignorance, and naïveté, we bought into the
negative programs. W e let them run us. But now we can choose to stop. W e
can choose a dif ferent direction. W e can choose to become more aware,
more conscious, more responsible, and more discerning. W e can refuse to
sit there like a blank tape recorder, taking in every program the world handsus. The world is only too willing to exploit our naiveté and play upon our
smallness, with all of its vanities and fears. When we become aware of how we were manipulated, exploited, and
taken in, anger is going to come up. Be ready to handle it. It’ s okay to be
angry. It’ s better to be angry than apathetic by a long shot. In anger, we
have a lot of ener gy. W e can do something about it. W e can take action. W e
can change our mind. W e can reverse direction. Then, it’ s easy to jump
from anger to courage. On the level of courage, we can see it, examine it,
and observe how it all happens. W e begin to see that our smallness was a bill of goods that we bought. In that investigation, we will stumble upon our own inner innocence. When
we rediscover it, we can let go of a lot of guilt. When the guilt goes,
necessity for self-punishment goes with it, and that lifts us right out of
apathy and depression. W e can choose to revalidate ourselves, our value,
and our worth. And we can see how others were programmed just as we
were. They, too, were doing what they thought was best at the time. W e
don’ t have to blame them or ourselves any more. W e can give up the whole
blame game as obsolete and inef fectual. The Company W e Keep
Another valuable technique for getting out of apathy, depression, and
situations which are predominantly being run by the thought, “I can’ t,” is to
choose to be with other persons who have resolved the problem with which
we struggle. This is one of the great powers of self-help groups. When we
are in a negative state, we have given a lot of ener gy to negative thought
forms, and the positive thought forms are weak. Those who are in a higher
vibration are free of the ener gy from their negative thoughts and have
ener gized positive thought forms. Merely to be in their presence is
beneficial. In some self-help groups, this is called “hanging out with the
winners. ” The benefit here is on the psychic level of consciousness, and
there is a transfer of positive ener gy and relighting of one’ s own latent
positive thought forms. In some self-help groups this is called “getting it by
osmosis. ” It is not necessary to know how  it happens, but merely that it
does  happen. It is common to witness this phenomenon. For instance, in our society
most people have been trained to be logical and left-brained in their
orientation. However, some people from birth are right-brain oriented. Suchright-brain persons are characterized by greater powers of intuition,
creativity, telepathic communication, and awareness of thought forms and
ener gy vibrations. Frequently included among these capabilities is the
capacity to see the bio-ener gy field around the human body called the aura. When in the presence of people with this capacity, it becomes possible to
share that capacity. This was true even as a skeptical, logical, left-brain male scientist who
was in the company of people with a capacity to see auras. Upon following
their instructions on how to see the aura, surprisingly, there was indeed a
visible field of light around people’ s heads. In particular, the aura around
one man seemed to be almost like “ectoplasm” hung predominantly over his
left ear. On the right side of the head, however, there was practically
nothing to be seen. T o know whether this phenomenon was real and not
coming from the imagination, it was confirmed by poking someone nearby
who was adept at seeing auras. She also saw an aura that was very wide on
one side and practically absent on the other. The capacity to see auras was available only when in the presence of
others with that capacity. Upon leaving the instructional situation where
there had been people who could see auras, the capacity was no longer
there. In the following years, when in the company of friends who could see
auras, the capacity returned. One time, in the presence of a woman
psychologist at a clinic—whose job was that of psychic diagnosis by means
of observing people’ s auras and their changing color patterns—there
suddenly was the capacity not only to see auras, but also to see them in their
scintillating colors and watch the aura change in response to fluctuating
emotions. Just by talking with her, that capacity was suddenly available. It is as though when we are in the proximity of the auras of people with
certain capacities, some transfer of ability can take place. Simply put, we
are either positively or negatively influenced by the company we keep. It is
unlikely that we will overcome an inhibition if we choose to be in the
company of others who have our same problem. This phenomenon was evident in the case of a divorced woman who
came for a consultation. She wanted to know whether or not she should
have psychotherapy. Her complaints were a recurrent ulcer and migraine
headaches. As the story unfolded, great bitterness over an unfortunately
traumatic divorce came forth. She had joined a consciousness-raising
feminist group, she said. She described this particular group as almostcompletely made up of divorced women who were bitter, angry, and hateful
of men. As a group, they were getting a lot of payof f from their negativity. In reality, their lives were forlorn and rather pathetic, as they struggled to
regain their self-esteem through extremes and marked emotional imbalance. After listening to her story and investigating her life circumstances, it
was suggested that instead of psychotherapy, she follow one simple
recommendation for a period of three months. If it didn’ t work, then, she
could reassess the need for psychotherapy. The recommendation was
merely to discontinue her association with the group and with her bitter,
divorced friends and, instead, seek the company of people who had
successfully re-established relationships despite former divorces. At first she resisted and claimed that she had nothing in common with
these group members. Then she acknowledged two basic facts. First, it was
far more ener gy-saving to foster relationships with positive people. Secondly, one of the laws of consciousness is that “like goes to like”;
bitterness attracts bitterness, whereas love attracts love. She asked herself,
“Where has my bitterness taken me. Have I gotten anything out of it that is
positive and helpful. ” As time progressed, she stopped spending time with
her group and began to pursue relationships with healthier, more balanced
people. In the company of happier people, she had an exhilarated awareness of
how much negativity she was holding inside of herself. She began to be
aware that she was consciously holding negativity and choosing to hold it,
and she began to look at the cost of such negativity. Her whole social life
changed. She became smiling and happier. Her migraine headaches
disappeared. Eventually, she fell in love again and joked that falling in love
was the best cure she had ever discovered for an ulcer. If we find ourselves in the state of apathy, we can discover the
underlying program by asking ourselves what we are trying to prove. Are
we trying to prove that life is rotten. That this is a hopeless world. That it
wasn’ t our fault. That one can’ t find love. That happiness is impossible. What are we trying to justify. How much are we willing to pay to be
“right”. As we acknowledge and let go of the feelings that arise in response
to these questions, the answers begin to appear. CHAPTER
5
G R I E F
Grief is an experience common to us all. In grief, we feel that things are too
dif ficult; we’ll never make it; we are unloving and unlovable. W e have
thoughts such as, “All the years I’ve wasted. ” It is a feeling of sadness and
loss. Loneliness. The feeling of “if only. ” Regret. Feelings of abandonment,
pain, helplessness, and hopelessness. Nostalgia. Melancholy. Depression. Longing. Irretrievable loss. Heartbrokenness. Anguish. Disappointment. Pessimism. Grief can be precipitated by the loss of a belief system, a relationship, a
capacity or role, a hope about ourselves, or an overall attitude toward our
life, external circumstances, or institutions. It’ s the feeling: “I’ll never get
over this. This one is too dif ficult. I tried, but nothing helps. ” There is a
feeling of vulnerability to pain and suf fering, and so we see a great deal of it
in the external world to reinforce and justify our own inner feeling. There is
a crying for someone to help because we can’ t do anything about it, and we
feel that maybe someone else can do it for us. This is in contradistinction to
apathy, where there is a feeling that no one can help. Allowing the Grief
Most of us carry a great deal of suppressed grief. Men especially are prone
to hide that particular feeling, as it is considered unmanly and un-masculine
to cry. Most people are afraid of the amount of grief they have suppressed;
they are terrified that they will be swamped and overwhelmed by it. People
will say, “If I were ever to start crying, I would never stop”; “There is somuch grief in the world, grief in my life, grief in my family and friends”;
“O, the untold tragedies of life. All of the disappointments and smashed
hopes. ” Suppressed grief is responsible for many psychosomatic conditions
and health-related complaints. Instead of suppressing the feeling, if it is allowed to come up and be
relinquished, we can quickly jump from grief to acceptance. The continuing
grief over a loss is due to the resistance to accepting that state and allowing
the grief to expend itself. The persistence of a feeling is due to the
resistance to allowing it to be relinquished (e. g. , “Cry me a river”). Once we
accept the fact that we can handle grief, we are already up into pride. The
feeling of “I can do it” and “I can handle it” brings us to courage. W ith the
courage to face our inner feelings and let them go, we thus move on to the
levels of acceptance and eventually peace. When we let go of a lot of grief
we have been holding over the years, our friends and family will notice a
change in our facial expression. Our step will be lighter and we will look
younger. Grief is time-limited. This fact gives us the courage and willingness to
face grief. If we don’ t resist the feeling of grief and totally surrender to it, it
will run out in about 10–20 minutes; then it will stop for variable lengths of
time. If we keep surrendering to it every time it comes up, then it will
eventually run out. W e just allow ourselves to experience it fully. W e only
have to tolerate an overwhelming grief for 10–20 minutes, and then all of a
sudden it will disappear. If we resist the grief, then it will go on and on. Suppressed grief can go on for years. In facing grief, we often have to acknowledge and let go of our shame
and embarrassment about having the feeling in the first place. For men this
is especially so. W e have to relinquish our fear of the feeling and our fear of
being swamped and overwhelmed by it. It helps to realize that letting go of
the resistance to the feeling moves us quickly through it. T raditionally,
women have said out of their own experience and wisdom: “A good cry
makes me feel better. ” Many a man has been surprised when he learned the
truth of this. Experientially, there was the surprising and almost immediate relief
from a pounding headache as soon as the grief about a past situation was
allowed to come up. As the grief surfaced, there was the sentence, “Men
don’ t cry. ” After letting go of the masculine pride about crying, then up
came a fear that the crying would never stop once it was allowed to start. As soon as that fear was gone, then there was anger. It was anger at a
society that forces men to suppress their feelings, and anger at the notion
that men are not even supposed to have feelings. W ith the letting go of that
anger, the level of courage was reached, and then the needed crying could
be allowed. Not only was there relief from the headache but, when the
torrent of sobs subsided, a profound peacefulness settled. Henceforth, the
subject did not have to be avoided. Once a man has fully let the grief come up and totally freed himself
from that suppressed ener gy, he is peaceful and his view of his own
masculinity changes. He realizes that his masculinity is now more
complete. He is still just as much of a man, but now he is a man who can
also be in touch with and handle his own feelings. Consequently, he is more
adequate, more capable, more well-rounded, more understanding, more
mature, more capable of relating to and understanding others, more
compassionate, and more loving. The psychological basis of all grief and mourning is attachment. Attachment and dependence occur because we feel incomplete within
ourselves; therefore, we seek objects, people, relationships, places, and
concepts to fulfill inner needs. Because they are unconsciously utilized to
fulfill an inner need, they come to be identified as “mine. ” As more ener gy
is poured into them, there is a transition from identifying with the external
objects as “mine” to being an actual extension of “me. ” Loss of the object
or person is experienced as a loss of our own self and an important part of
our emotional economy. Loss is experienced as a diminution of the quality
of ourselves, which the object or person represented. The more emotional
ener gy invested in the object or person, the greater will be the feeling of
loss and the greater the pain associated with the undoing of the bonds of
dependence. Attachment creates a dependency, and dependency, because of
its nature, intrinsically carries with it a fear of loss. W ithin each person, there is the child, parent, and adult. When grief
comes up, it is rewarding to ask, “W ithin myself, is it the child, parent, or
adult that is the source of this feeling. ” For example, the “child” within a
person is scared that something will happen to a beloved dog. It wonders,
“How will I make it. ” The inner adult also feels grief, but the adult accepts
the inevitable. The little kitty or doggie is not immortal. The adult in us
regretfully accepts that impermanency is a reality of life. W e accept that ouryouth is not permanent, that many romantic relationships are not life-long,
and that our dog will one day die. Handling Loss
Because of the nature of attachment, the first state preceding the actual
experiencing of loss is that of fear of loss. This is usually defended in one
of two ways. One is to increase the intensity of the attachment by ever -
persistent attempts to strengthen the bonds. This approach is based on the
fantasy that “the greater the bond, the less likelihood of loss. ” However, this
is the very maneuver that often precipitates loss in personal relationships,
because the other person struggles to be free of the possessive attachment
and the amount of restrictive control they feel being placed upon them. Thus, because what we hold in mind tends to manifest, the fear of a loss
can, paradoxically, be the mechanism of bringing about that loss. The second way that fear of loss is handled is by the psychological
mechanism of denial which is, in common language, called “playing
ostrich. ” W e see this around us every day in its various forms of refusing to
face the inevitable. All the warning signs are there, but the person does not
take heed. Thus, the man who is obviously in the process of losing his job
tends not to notice. The partners in a marriage that is going down the drain
take no corrective action. The person with a serious disease ignores all of
the symptoms and avoids medical attention. The politicians fail to look at
social problems, hoping they will go away. Whole countries are oblivious to
the precarious state of existence (e.
Residual traumatic overwhelm that has not been resolved.
What is a major cause of apathy?
We can transfer their positive thought forms and energize our own positive thought forms.
What is the benefit of being in the presence of people who have already resolved their emotional issues?
Resignation still holds onto resistance to the fact, whereas acceptance surrenders to the fact and allows it to pass.
What is the difference between resignation and acceptance?
Fear is associated with our survival and is a mechanism to keep us from acknowledging our inner innocence.
What is the mechanism behind the fear of loss?
It is to become aware of what we are buying into, question it, and let it go.
What is the key to overcoming fear and guilt?