That ad-
vertisers would encourage you to do this is understandable in light
of profits to be made, but that you would buy the products is less
easy to understand in view of the fact that you’re choosing to throw
away the real you. You can stop hiding the beautiful, natural you. Thus if you choose to use cosmetic aids of any kind, it will not be
based on disliking what you are covering up, but for reasons of
novelty or personal fulfillment. Being honest with yourself in this
realm is not easy, and it takes time to learn to distinguish what
pleases us from what the advertising business says should please
us. Choosing More Positive Self-Images
It is possible to make the same kind of choices with all of your
self-images. You can choose to think of yourself as intelligent by
applying your very own standards to yourself. In fact, the happier
you make yourself, the more intelligent you are. If you are deficient
in any areas such as algebra, spelling or writing, it is simply the
natural result of choices you have been making up until now. Should
you decide to devote enough practice time to any of these tasks, you
would undoubtedly be more proficient in them. If your image of
yourself is of someone who is not too intelligent, remember what
we said about intelligence in Chapter I. If you underestimate your-
self, it is because you have bought that notion, and you compare
yourself to others on certain school-related variables. It may surprise you to hear this, but you can choose to be as bright
as you desire. Aptitude is really a function of time, rather than some
inborn quality. One support for this belief can be found in the grade
norms for standardized achievement tests. These norms demonstrate
that scores achieved by the top stu-36 / Your Erroneous Zonesdents at one grade level are achieved by the majority of students at
a later grade level. Further studies show that although most students
eventually reach mastery on each learning task, some students
achieve mastery much sooner than do others. * Yet the label “defi-
cient” or even “retarded” is often attached to those who move more
slowly toward absolute mastery of a skill. Listen to John Carroll as
he talks on this point in his article, “A Model for School Learning,”
which appeared in Teachers College Record:
Aptitude is the amount of time required by the learner to attain
mastery of a learning task. Implicit in this formulation is the
assumption that, given enough time, all students can conceiv-
ably attain mastery of a learning task. With enough time and effort you could, if you so chose, master
almost any academic skill. But you don’t make that choice, for very
good reasons. Why should you put that kind of present-moment
energy into solving obscure problems or learning something that
doesn’t interest you. Being happy, living effectively and loving are
far greater goals. The point is that intelligence is not something that
you inherited or had otherwise bestowed upon you. You are as smart
as you choose to be. Not liking how smart you’ve chosen to be is
mere self-contempt, which can lead only to injurious consequences
in your own life. The logic of being able to choose your self-pictures applies to all
of the photographs of you that are lodged in your brain. You are as
socially adept as you choose to be. If you dislike the way you behave
socially, you can work at changing the behavior and not confusing
it with your own self-worth. Similarly, your artistic, mechanical,
athletic, musical and other abilities are largely the result of choices
and should not be confused with your worthiness. (See Chapter IV
for a full treatment of your self-descriptions and why you’ve chosen
them for yourself.) In
*Benjamin S. Bloom, et al., Handbook on Formative and Summative Evaluation of
Student Learning  (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1971).FIRST LOVE  / 37the same light, the preceding chapter made a case for your emotional
life being the product of your own choices. Self-acceptance based
upon what you believe to be appropriate for you is something you
can make a decision about now. Repairing those things that don’t
measure up can be a delightful undertaking, and there’s no reason
to choose to feel unworthy, just because there are things about
yourself that you’re going to improve. Self-dislike can take many forms, and perhaps you engage in some
putting-down-of-yourself behavior. Here is a brief list of some typ-
ically recurring behavior that falls into this category of the self-veto. • Rejecting compliments directed at you. (“Oh, this old thing…. I’m really not smart, just lucky I guess”…)
• Making up excuses for why you look nice. (“It’s my hairdresser,
she could make a toad look good”…“Believe me, it’s the wardrobe
that does it”…“Green is my color”…)
• Giving credit to others when it rightfully belongs to you. (“Thank
God for Michael, without him I would be nothing”…“Marie did all
the work, I just stood around and supervised”…)
• Using other-directed references when speaking. (“My husband
says”…“My mother feels”…“George always tells me that”…)
• Having your opinions verified by others. (“Isn’t that right
dear?”…“That’s what I said, didn’t I, Martha?”…“Just ask my hus-
band, he’ll tell you”…)
• Refusing to order something you want, not because you can’t
afford it (although this may be your stated reason) but because you
don’t feel that you’re worth it. • Not having orgasms. • Not buying yourself something because you think you have to
buy it for someone else, although sacrificing is not necessary;38 / Your Erroneous Zonesor not treating yourself to the things you would like to own, because
you’re not worth it. • Avoiding indulgences such as flowers, wine or whatever, which
you love because that would be wasteful. • In a crowded room, someone yells out, “Hey, Stupid,” and you
turn around. • Using pet names for yourself (and having others use them as
well) that are really put-downs, including Dum-dum, Silly, Sweetie-
pie or Baby (for an adult), Funny-face, Shorty, Fatty, or Baldy. • A friend or lover gives you a gift of jewelry. The thought in your
head goes something like this…“You must have a drawer full of
jewelry at home for other girls.”
• Someone tells you that you look good. The sentence in your
head is, “You’re practically blind or you must be trying to make me
feel good.”
• Someone takes you to a restaurant or theater. You think, “This
is how it is in the beginning, but how long will it last once he finds
out what kind of a person I really am?”
• A girlfriend accepts a date and you feel that she is going along
just to be charitable. I once worked with a young woman who was quite attractive and
obviously much sought after by men. Shirley insisted, however, that
all her relationships ended badly and that, though she wanted des-
perately to marry, she had never had the opportunity. It came out
in counseling that Shirley was ruining each of her relationships
without realizing it. If a young man told her he cared for her or loved
her, Shirley’s head contradicted with “He’s only saying that because
he knows it’s what I want to hear.” Shirley was always searching
for a sentence that would repudiate her worth. There was no self-
love and so she rejected efforts by others to love her. She didn’t be-
lieve that anyone could find her appealing. Why? Because she didn’t
believe that she was worth being loved in the first place, and so the
intermi-FIRST LOVE  / 39nable cycle of renunciation was her way of reinforcing her notions
of her lack of worth. While many of the items in the list above may appear to be petty,
they nevertheless are tiny indicators of self-rejection. If you sacrifice
or refuse to be extravagant with yourself, which often turns out to
be choosing hamburger-helper over lamb chops, it is because you
don’t feel you’re worth the better cut. Perhaps you’ve been taught
that common courtesy calls for denial of a compliment or that you
really aren’t attractive. These are the lessons you’ve learned and the
self-denying behavior is now second nature. There are numerous
examples of self-repudiation behavior that surface in conversations
and in everyday behavior. And each time you engage in any kind
of a self-put-down, you reinforce that old bugaboo that others have
laid on you and reduce your own opportunities for any kind of love
in your life, be it self or other-directed love. Surely you are too
worthy to go around putting yourself down. Accepting Yourself Without Complaint
Self-love means accepting yourself as a worthy person because
you choose to do so. Acceptance also means an absence of complaint. Fully functioning people never complain, and particularly they don’t
complain about the rocks being rough, or the sky being cloudy or
the ice being too cold. Acceptance means no complaining, and hap-
piness means no complaining about the things over which you can
do nothing. Complaining is the refuge of those who have no self-
reliance. Telling others about the things you dislike in yourself helps
you to continue the dissatisfaction since they are almost always
powerless to do anything about it except deny it and then you don’t
believe them. Just as complaining to others accomplishes nothing,
so permitting others to abuse you with their own tote bags full of
self-pity and misery helps no one. A simple question to ask will
generally end this useless and unpleasant behavior. “Why are40 / Your Erroneous Zonesyou telling me this?” or “Is there anything I can do to help you with
this?” By asking yourself the same questions, you will begin to re-
cognize your complaining behavior as ultimate folly. It is time spent
in a wasteful manner, time which might be put to better use in
practicing self-loving kinds of activities, such as silent self-praise,
or helping someone else to achieve fulfillment. There are two occasions when complaining is least appreciated
in the world: (1) Whenever you tell someone else that you are tired. (2) Whenever you tell someone else that you don’t feel well. If you
are tired, you can exercise several options, but complaining to even
one poor soul, let alone a loved one, is abusing that person. And it
won’t make you less tired. The same kind of logic applies to your
“not feeling well.”
Nothing is being said here about informing others of how you
feel when they can help you in any small way. What is being chal-
lenged is complaining to others who can do nothing but endure the
grumbling. Additionally, if you are truly working on self-love, and
you are experiencing any pain or discomfort, you will want to work
on this yourself, rather than choosing someone to lean on and have
them share your burden. Complaining about yourself is a useless activity, and one which
keeps you from effectively living your life. It encourages self-pity
and immobilizes you in your efforts at giving and receiving love. Moreover it reduces your opportunities for improved love relation-
ships and increased social intercourse. While it may get you attention,
the noticing will be done in a light that will clearly cast shadows on
your own happiness. Being able to accept yourself without complaint involves an un-
derstanding of both self-love and the complaining process, which
are mutually exclusive terms. If you genuinely love you, then com-
plaining to others who can do nothing for you becomes absurdly
impossible to defend. And if you notice things in yourself (and oth-
ers) that you dislike, rather than complaining you can actively set
about taking the necessary corrective steps. The next time you are at a social gathering of four or moreFIRST LOVE  / 41couples, you can try this little exercise. Chronicle how much conver-
sation is actually spent in complaining. From self to others, to events,
prices, the weather, and on and on. Now, when the party is over
and everyone has gone their separate ways, ask yourself, “How
much of the complaining that went on tonight accomplished any-
thing?” “Who really cares about all of the things that we bemoaned
tonight?” Then, the next time you are about to complain keep the
uselessness of that night in mind. Self-Love vs. Conceit
You may be thinking that all of this talk about self-love involves
a form of obnoxious behavior akin to egomania. Nothing could be
further from the truth. Self-love has nothing to do with the sort of
behavior characterized by telling everyone how wonderful you are. That’s not self-love, but rather an attempt to win the attention and
approval of others by chest-thumping behavior. It is just as neurotic
as the behavior of the individual who is overloaded with self-con-
tempt. Boastful behavior is motivated by others, by an attempt to
gain their favor. It means the individual is evaluating himself on the
basis of how others see him. If he were not, he would not feel the
need to convince them. Self-love means you love yourself; it doesn’t
demand the love of others. There is no need to convince others. An
internal acceptance is sufficient. It has nothing to do with the view-
points of others. The Rewards for Not Loving Yourself
Why would anyone choose not to love himself? Where is the ad-
vantage? The dividends, while they may be unhealthy, are neverthe-
less there for you to examine. And this is the core of42 / Your Erroneous Zoneslearning to be an effective person—understanding why you behave
in self-defeating ways. All behavior is caused, and the road to elim-
inating any self-destructive behavior is strewn with the potholes of
misunderstanding your own motives. Once you comprehend the
why of your self-malice and the maintenance system for retaining
it, you can begin to attack the behaviors. Without the understanding
of self, the old actions will continue to recur. Why have you chosen to engage in self-denouncing ways, however
slight they may seem to you? It may be that it is just plain easier to
buy the stuff that others tell you than to think for yourself. But there
are other dividends as well. If you choose to not love yourself and
treat yourself as unimportant by placing other heads higher than
your own, you will…
• Have a built-in excuse for why you can’t get any love in your
life, that is, you simply are not worth being loved back. The excuse
is the neurotic payoff. • Be able to avoid any and all risks that go with establishing love
relationships with others, and thereby eliminate any possibility of
ever being rejected or disapproved. • Find that it is easier to stay the way you are. As long as you’re
not worthy there is just no point in trying to grow or to be better
and happier, and your payoff is remaining the same. • Gain a lot of pity, attention and even approval from others,
which substitutes nicely for the risky business of getting involved
in a love relationship. Thus the pity and attention are your self-de-
feating rewards. • Have many convenient scapegoats to blame for your own misery. You can complain and thus you won’t have to do anything about it
yourself. • Be able to use up your present moments with mini-depressions,
and avoid behavior that would help you to be different. Your self-
pity will serve as your escape route. • Regress to being a good little boy or girl, calling upon theFIRST LOVE  / 43leftover responses of a child and therefore pleasing those “big-
people” that you learned to regard as superior to you. Your regres-
sion is safer than risk. • Be able to reinforce your leaning-on-others behavior by making
them more significant than you make yourself. A leaning post is a
dividend even though you’re hurt by it. • Be unable to take charge of your own life and live it the way
you choose, simply because you won’t feel that you are worth the
happiness you covet. These are the components of your self-scorn maintenance system. They are the reasons you choose to hang on to the old thinking and
behavior. It is just plain easier, that is, less risky, to put yourself
down than to try to get up. But remember, the only evidence for life
is growth, and so to refuse to grow into a self-loving person is a
deathlike choice. Armed with these insights into your own behavior,
you can begin to practice some mental and physical exercises to en-
courage the growth of your own self-love. Some Easy-to-Master Self-Love Exercises
The practice of self-love begins with your mind. You must learn
to control your thinking. This requires a lot of present-moment
awareness at the times when you are behaving in self-condemnatory
kinds of ways. If you can catch yourself as you are doing it, you can
then begin to challenge the thought in back of your behavior. You find that you have just said something like, “I’m really not
that smart, I guess I was just lucky to get an A on that paper.” The
bell should go off in your head. “I just did it. I behaved in a self-
loathing way. But I’m aware of it now, and the next time I’ll stop
myself from saying those things I’ve been saying all of my life.”
Your strategy is to correct yourself out44 / Your Erroneous Zonesloud with a statement such as, “I just said I was lucky, but luck really
had nothing to do with it. I got the grade because I deserved it.” One
small step toward self-love, the step being a recognition of your
present-moment put-down and a decision to act differently. Before
you had a habit; now you have an awareness of wanting to be differ-
ent, and you have made a choice to make it happen. It’s just like
learning to drive a stick shift. Eventually you’ll have a new habit
which will not require constant awareness. You’ll soon be behaving
in all kinds of self-adoring ways naturally. With your mind now working for, rather than against you, exciting
self-love activities are on the horizon. Here is a brief list of such be-
haviors to which you can add as you achieve a sense of self-esteem
based upon your own worth. • Select new responses to others’ attempts to reach you with love
or acceptance. Rather than instantly being skeptical of a loving ges-
ture, accept them with a “thank-you” or “I’m happy that you feel
that way.”
• If there is someone that you feel genuine love toward, say it
right out front “I love you” and while you check out the reactions
you receive in return, pat yourself on the back for taking the risk. • In a restaurant, order something you really enjoy no matter what
it costs. Give yourself a treat because you are worth it. Begin to select
items that you would prefer in all situations, including the grocery
store. Indulge yourself with a favorite product because you are worth
it. Outlaw self-denial unless it is absolutely necessary—and it rarely
is. • After a tiring day and a large meal take a brief nap or a jog in
the park even if you have too many things to do. It will help you to
feel one hundred percent better. • Join an organization, or sign up for an activity that you will en-
joy. Perhaps you’ve been putting this off because you have so many
responsibilities that you just don’t have the time. ByFIRST LOVE  / 45choosing to love yourself, and partaking of the slices of life that you
want, those others that you serve will begin to learn some self-reli-
ance of their own. And you will find yourself with an absence of
resentment toward them. You will be serving them out of choice,
rather than obligation. • Eliminate jealousy by recognizing it is a put-down of yourself. By comparing yourself to some other person and imagining you are
loved less, you make others more important than you. You are
measuring your own merit in comparison to another. Remind
yourself that (1) Someone can always choose another without having
it be a reflection on you, and (2) whether or not you are chosen by
any significant other is not the way you validate your own self-worth. If you make it that way, you are doomed to eternal self-doubt, be-
cause of the uncertainty of how a particular someone out there is
going to feel at any precise moment of any given day. Should he/she
choose another, that choice reflects only the other, not you. With
practice at self-love, any circumstances in which you’ve previously
found yourself to be jealous will be reversed. You’ll believe so much
in you that you won’t need the love or approval of others to give
you value. • Your self-love activity might also include new ways of treating
your body, such as selecting good nutritional foods, eliminating
excess weight (which can be a health risk as well as an indication of
self-rejection), taking regular walks or bicycle rides, choosing plenty
of healthy exercise, getting outdoors to enjoy fresh air because it
feels good, and in general keeping your body healthy and attractive. Provided you want to be healthy. Why? Because you are important
and are going to treat yourself that way. Any total day spent cooped
up or inactive in boring routine activities is a vote for self-enmity. Unless you actually prefer being cooped-up, in which case you make
that choice. • Sexually, you can practice greater self-love. You can stand naked
in front of a mirror and tell yourself how attractive you46 / Your Erroneous Zonesare. You can get in touch with your body. Explore yourself sensually,
give yourself goosebumbs of shivery pleasure. With others, you can
also choose sexual fulfillment for you, rather than making your
partner’s pleasure more important than your own. Only by choosing
gratification for yourself can you give pleasure. If you aren’t happy,
generally your partner is disappointed. Moreover, when you choose
yourself, others are more able to choose happiness for themselves. You can slow down the whole process of sex, teaching your lover
what you like with words and actions. You can choose orgasm for
yourself. You can make yourself achieve the ultimate physical exper-
ience by believing that you are worth it, and then getting lost in the
excitement of verifying it for you. Why? Because you are worth it! • You can stop equating your performance in anything with your
own self-worth. You may lose your job, or fail a given project. You
may not like the way you performed this or that task. But that doesn’t
mean that you are without worth. You must know for yourself, that
you are worth something regardless of your achievements. Without
this knowledge, you will be persistently confusing yourself with
your external activities. It is just as absurd to make your self-value
depend upon some outside accomplishment as it is to tie it in with
some external person’s opinion of you. Once you eliminate this
confusion, you will be able to set about all kinds of undertakings,
and your final score—while it may be interesting to you—will in no
way determine how valuable you are as a person. These, and many like them, are the actions of those who love
themselves. They may often challenge the lessons that you’ve learned
as you’ve grown-down. At one time, you were the epitome of self-
love. As a child, you knew instinctively that you were worthy. Now look back at the questions in the introduction to this book.FIRST LOVE  / 47•Can you accept yourself without complaint? •Can you love yourself at all times? •Can you give and receive love? These are the issues that you can work on. Setting personal goals
to be in love with the most beautiful, exciting, worthy person
ever—you48 / Your Erroneous ZonesIII
YOU DON’T NEED THEIR
APPROVAL
Needing approval is tantamount to saying, “Your view of me is more
important than my own opinion of myself.”
You may be spending far too many of your present moments in
efforts to win the approval of others, or in being concerned with
some disapproval that you have encountered. If approval has become
a need in your life, then you have some work to do. You can begin
by understanding that approval-seeking is a desire rather than a
necessity. We all enjoy applause, compliments and praise. It feels
good when we are mentally stroked. Who would want to give this
up? Well, there’s no need to. Approval in itself is not unhealthy; in
fact, adulation is deliciously pleasurable. Approval-seeking is an
erroneous zone only when it becomes a need rather than a want. If you want the approval, you are simply happy to have the en-
dorsement of other people. But, if you need it, you are going to col-
lapse if you don’t get it. That’s when the self-destructive forces move
in. Similarly, when approval-seeking becomes a
49need, you give up a chunk of yourself to the “outside person” whose
advocacy you must have. If they disapprove, then you are immobil-
ized (even in a small way). In such a case, you have chosen to wear
your self-worth on your sleeve for someone to rub or not rub as they
see fit. You feel good inside only if they decide to administer some
praise to you. The need for approval of another person is bad enough, but the
real trouble comes with the need for the approval of everyone for
every act. If you carry around such a need, then you are bound for
a great deal of misery and frustration in your life. Moreover, you
will be incorporating a wishy-washy non-person self-image that will
result in the kind of self-rejection that was discussed in the previous
chapter. The need for approval must go! No question marks here. It must
be eradicated from your life if you are to gain personal fulfillment. Such need is a psychological dead end, with absolutely no benefits
accruing to you. It is impossible to go through life without incurring a great deal
of disapproval. It is the way of humanity, the dues you pay for your
“aliveness,” something that simply cannot be avoided. I once worked
with a middle-aged man who fit into the classic approval-needing
mentality. Ozzie had a set of beliefs on all controversial subjects,
including abortion, birth control, war in the Middle East, Watergate,
politics and everything else. Whenever he encountered scorn he
came unglued. He spent a great deal of his energy in getting every-
one to sanction him for everything that he said and did. He related
an incident with his father-in-law, in which he stated that he firmly
believed in mercy killing, and he noticed his father-in-law wrinkling
his brow in censure. Instantly, almost reflexively, Ozzie modified
his position…. “What I meant was, if someone is conscious and ac-
tually asks to be killed, then mercy killing is O.K.” He noticed his
listener was in agreement and Ozzie breathed a little easier. With
his boss he also declared his belief in mercy killing, but here he re-
ceived a vociferous disagreement…. “How can50 / Your Erroneous Zonesyou even say such a thing? Don’t you know that’s playing God?”
Ozzie could not tolerate such repudiation, he quickly shifted into a
new stance…. “What I meant was, only in extreme cases, when a
patient is declared legally dead, then it’s all right to pull the plug.”
Finally, his boss acquiesed, and Ozzie was once more off the hook. With his brother he announced his position on mercy killing and he
received an instant concurrence…. “Whew.” That was easy for Ozzie,
he didn’t even have to change in order to get his brother to approve
of him. All of these examples were provided by Ozzie as he related
his normal way of interacting with others. Ozzie travels in his social
circles with no mind of his own, and his need for commendation is
so strong that he constantly shifts his position in order to be liked. There is no Ozzie, only the happenstance reactions of others which
determine not only how Ozzie feels, but also what he thinks and
says as well. Ozzie is whatever others want him to be. When approval-seeking is a need, the possibilities for truth are
all but wiped away. If you must be lauded, and you send out those
kinds of signals, then no one can deal with you straight. Nor can
you state with confidence what it is that you think and feel at any
present moment of your life. Your self is sacrificed to the opinions
and predelictions of others. Politicians as a class are generally not trusted. Their need for ap-
proval is prodigious. Without it they are out of work. Therefore,
they often seem to speak out of both sides of their mouths, saying
this to please Group A, and that to win the approbation of Group
B. There can be no truth when the speaker is shifty and moves
around the issues with a skillful kind of manuevering that is de-
signed to please everyone. Behavior like this is easy to spot in
politicians, but more difficult to see in ourselves. Perhaps you’ve
“cooled-it” in order to placate someone or you’ve found yourself
agreeing with someone whose disfavor you fear. You knew you
would be unhappy if you were censured, so you modified your be-
havior to avoid it.YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 51It is tough to handle rebuking and easier to adopt behavior that
will bring approval. But when you take this easy way, you’re making
others’ opinions of you more important than your own self-assess-
ments. It’s a vicious trap—and a difficult one to escape in our society. In order to escape the bear trap of approval-seeking, which gives
others’ opinions control over you, it is important to examine the
factors that foster the approval-seeking need. Here is a brief excursion
down the developmental path that leads to a great deal of approval-
seeking behavior. Historical Antecedents of the Need for Approval
The need for approval is based on a single assumption. “Don’t
trust yourself—check it out with someone else first.” Our culture is
one that reinforces approval-seeking behavior as a standard of life. Independent thinking is not only unconventional, it is the enemy of
the very institutions that constitute the bulwark of our society. If
you’ve grown up in this society, you’ve been tainted by this attribute. “Don’t swear by yourself” is the essence of the need for tribute—and
the backbone of our culture. Make someone else’s opinion more
important than your own, then if you don’t get their approval, you
have every reason to feel depressed, unworthy, or guilty, since they
are more important than you. The bestowal of approval can be a great manipulator. Your worth
is lodged in others and if they refuse to dole out their approval,
you’ve got nothing. You are without worth. And so it goes, the more
flattery you need, the more you can be manipulated by others. Any
steps in the direction of self-approval and independence of the good
opinion of others are movements away from their control. As a result
such healthy moves get labeled as selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate
and the like, in an ef-52 / Your Erroneous Zonesfort to keep you dependent. To understand this vicious circle of
manipulation, consider the profusion of approval-seeking cultural
messages, which began when you were a child, and which continue
to bombard you today. Early Family Approval-Seeking Messages
It is important to emphasize here that young children truly do
need acceptance from significant adults (parents) in their formative
years. But approval should not be contingent upon being proper,
nor should a child have to get a parent’s sanction for everything he
says, thinks, feels, or does. Self-reliance can be taught in the crib,
and approval-seeking ought not be confused with love-seeking as
you read this section. In order to encourage freedom from the need
for approval in an adult, it is helpful to give the child an abundance
of approval from the very beginning. However, if a child grows up
to feel that he cannot think or act without first securing the permis-
sion of a parent, then the neurotic seeds of self-doubt are early
planted. Approval-seeking as a self-defeating need is mentioned
here in terms of a child being conditioned to check it out with
Mommy or Daddy, rather than in the very healthy sense of wanting
the love and acceptance of a caring parent. In most cases our culture teaches a child to rely on others rather
than trusting his own judgment. Check out everything with Mommy
or Daddy. “What do I eat?”, “When?”, “How much?” Ask Mommy. “Who can I play with?” “When?”, “Where?” “It’s your room, but
you must keep it this way! Clothes on a hook, bed made, toys in the
toybox, and so on.”
Here’s another set of exchanges to reinforce dependence and ap-
proval-seeking:
“You can wear anything you like.”
“How do you like this, Mommy?”YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 53“No, no honey! Stripes and polka dots don’t go together! Go back
and change either the blouse or the slacks so that they match.”
One week later…
“What should I wear, Mommy?”
“I’ve told you, wear whatever you like. Why do you always ask
me?”
Why indeed…
At the grocery store a cashier asks the child, “Would you like a
piece of candy?” The child looks at her mom. “Would I like a piece
of candy?” she asks. She has learned to check out everything with
her parents, including whether she wants something or not. From
playing, eating and sleeping to establishing friendships, and thinking,
there are very few messages of self-reliance being thrown at young
children in the family. It stems from the fundamental belief of
Daddys and Mommys that they own their children. Rather than
helping children to think for themselves, solve their own problems
and develop trust in themselves, parents tend to treat children as
possessions. Kahlil Gibran speaks eloquently of children who are treated as
possessions in The Prophet. Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. *
The results of this strategy are evident in every “dependent” child. Mommy becomes a referee, a constant breaker-upper of fights,
someone to squeal to when a brother is misbehaving, someone who
literally has to do all the child’s thinking, feeling
*Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet  (New York: Alfred A. Knopf Publisher), p. 17.54 / Your Erroneous Zonesand behaving for him. Don’t trust yourself to resolve your difficulties. Mommy or Daddy will do it for you. Don’t rely on yourself to make
the decisions you are capable of, check it out with someone else first. Children resist being molded into approval-seekers. There are
numerous examples of this in the lives of all who come into contact
with young people. Countless parents have related to me their own
experiences in toilet training their children. They state that the child
seems to know what it is that is being asked of him and they are
aware that the child has the capacity to physically control his
sphincter muscles. Yet the child stubbornly, deliberately, refuses to
comply. Here is the first real protest against needing a parent’s ap-
proval. The internal messages are: “You can tell me what to eat, what
to wear, who to play with, when to sleep, when to come in, where
to put my toys, and even what to think. But I’ll do this, when I am
ready.” The first successful protest against needing Mommy and
Daddy’s approval for everything. As a child you wanted to think for yourself, to rely on yourself. If your Dad was helping you put on your coat when you were small,
you said, “I can do it myself.” But too often the message in return
was “I’ll do it for you. We don’t have time to wait,” or “You’re too
little.” That spark of independence, that desire to be your own per-
son, which was so alive in you as a child, was often dampened with
rely on Mommy or Daddy. If you don’t, we’ll disapprove and when
we disapprove of you, you must disapprove of yourself. The family
unit nurtures, in the form of good intentions, dependence and the
need for approval. Parents who don’t want any harm to come to
their children resolve to protect them from danger. The result,
however, is the opposite of that intended, for without the ammuni-
tion of knowing how to rely on the self in times of strife (solving
one’s own disputes, dealing with insults, fighting for honor, earning
one’s own way), it is impossible to build an arsenal of independent
behavior for a lifetime.YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 55While you may not recall all of the approval-seeking messages
that were telegraphed to you as a child, many of them most likely
came at an early age. And while many of the check-it-out-with-
Mommy-or-Daddy messages were important for your own safety
and health, others were sent to teach you a critical concept—proper
behavior, behavior that will win approval. That approval, which
should have been a given, became contingent upon your pleasing
someone else. The important point here is not that approval isn’t
important, but rather that it should be given to a child freely, not
bestowed as a reward for proper conduct. A child should never be
encouraged to confuse his own self-esteem with anyone else’s ap-
proval. Approval-Seeking Messages from School
When you left home and arrived in school, you entered an institu-
tion that is designed expressly to instill approval-seeking thinking
and behavior. Ask permission to do everything. Never bank on your
own judgment. Ask the teacher to go to the bathroom. Sit in a partic-
ular seat. Don’t leave it under penalty of a demerit. Everything was
geared toward other-control. Instead of learning to think you were
being taught not to think for yourself. Fold your paper into sixteen
squares, and don’t write on the folds. Study chapters one and two
tonight. Practice these words in spelling. Draw like this. Read that. You were taught to be obedient. And if in doubt, check it out with
the teacher. If you should incur the teacher’s, or worse yet, the
principal’s wrath, you were expected to feel guilty for months. Your
report card was a message to your parents telling them how much
approval you had won. If you look at the philosophy of your school, which was quite
likely written down under the pressure of an accreditation team
visit, you will very likely see a statement worded something like
this:56 / Your Erroneous ZonesWe, at Anywhere High School, believe in the full educational
development of each student. The curriculum is arranged so
as to meet the individual needs of every student in our school. We strive for, and promote the self-actualization and individual
development of our student body…etc., etc., etc. How many schools or teachers dare to put these words into action. Any student who begins to show signs of self-actualization and
personal mastery is quickly put in his place. Students who are inde-
pendent, full of self-love, not susceptible to guilt and worry, are
systematically labeled troublemakers. Schools are not good at dealing with kids who show signs of inde-
pendent thinking. In too many schools approval-seeking is the way
to success. The old clichés of teacher’s pet and apple polishing are
clichés for a reason. They exist—and work. If you gain the acclama-
tion of the staff, behave in the ways that they dictate, study the cur-
riculum that is laid out in front of you, you’ll emerge successful. Albeit with a strong need for approval, since self-reliance has been
discouraged at virtually every turn. By the time a student reaches intermediate school he has usually
learned the approval lesson. Asked by his counselor what he would
like to take in high school, he responds with “I dunno, you tell me
what I need.” In high school he may have a difficult time making
decisions about what to take, and will feel much more comfortable
with the decisions that are made for him. In the classroom he’ll learn
not to question what he is told. He’ll learn to write a theme properly
and the correct interpretations of Hamlet. He will learn to write pa-
pers based not on his own judgment and opinions, but on quotes
and references that will substantiate everything he says. If he doesn’t
learn these things he’ll be punished with low grades—and the
teacher’s disapproval. And by the time he is ready to graduate, he’ll
find it difficult to make a decision for himself, because for twelveYOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 57straight years he has been told how to think and what to think. He
has been fed on a solid diet of check it out with the teacher, and now,
on graduation day, he is unable to think for himself. So he covets
approval, and learns that gaining the sanction of others is tantamount
to being successful and happy. At college the same pattern of indoctrination continues. Write two
term papers, use the correct format, set your margins at 16 and 84,
make sure it is typed, have an introduction—body—and conclusion,
study these chapters…. The big assembly line. Conform, please your
professors and you’ll make it. When a student finally gets into a
seminar where the professor says: “This semester you can study
whatever you want in your field of interest. I will help you in your
selection and the pursuit of your interest, but it’s your education,
and you can do with it as you please. I will help you all that I can.”
Panic sets in. “But how many papers do we have to do?”, “When
are they due?”, “Do you want it typed?”, “What books should we
read?”, “How many examinations?”, “What kind of questions?”,
“How long do our papers have to be?”, “Where do we set the mar-
gins?”, “Do I have to come to class every day?”
These are the questions of an approval-seeker and it’s not the least
bit surprising in view of the educational methods we’ve examined. The student has been trained to do it for someone else, to please the
professor, and to measure up to someone else’s standards. His
queries are the end product of a system that demands approval-
seeking for survival. He is terrified of thinking for himself. It is just
easier and safer to do what someone else expects. Approval-Seeking Messages from other Institutions
We acquire approval-seeking symptoms from other sources as
well. Certainly the church has been a big influence in this area.58 / Your Erroneous ZonesYou must please Jehovah, or Jesus, or someone external to yourself. The leaders of the church have misconstrued the teachings of the
great religious leaders and attempted to teach conformity by using
fear of retribution as a weapon. Thus, a man behaves morally not
because he believes it to be appropriate for him, but because God
wants him to behave that way. If in doubt, consult the command-
ments rather than yourself and what you believe. Behave because
someone has told you to and because you will be punished if you
don’t, not because you know it to be the right behavior for you. Or-
ganized religion appeals to your approval-seeking needs. It may
produce the same behavior that you would have chosen, but you
haven’t chosen it freely. Using yourself as a guide and not needing the approval of an
outside force is the most religious experience you can have. It is a
veritable religion of the self in which an individual determines his
own behavior based upon his own conscience and the laws of his
culture that work for him, rather than because someone has dictated
how he should  behave. A careful look at Jesus Christ will reveal an
extremely self-actualized person, an individual who preached
self-reliance, and was not afraid to incur disapproval. Yet many of
his followers have twisted his teachings into a catechism of fear and
self-hate. (See Chapter XII for a complete description of a self-actu-
alized individual.) The government is another example of an institution that uses
approval-seeking as a motivator for conformity. “Don’t trust yourself. You haven’t got the skills and wherewithal to function alone. We’ll
take care of you. We’ll withhold your taxes because you would spend
them before your tax bill came due. We’ll force you to join Social
Security because you wouldn’t be able to decide for yourself—or
save for yourself. You don’t have to think for yourself, we’ll regulate
your life for you.” And so you see many examples of the government
going beyond their responsibility of providing essential services and
governing society.YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 59There are more rules on the books than there are people to disobey
them. If someone decided to enforce every rule that exists, you would
find yourself in violation of the law hundreds of times a day. Someone has decided when you can shop, and that you shouldn’t
drink alcohol on certain days at certain times. There are rules against
everything, including what you can wear at a given time in a given
place, how you can enjoy sex, what you can say, and where you can
walk. Fortunately, most of these rules are not enforced. Nevertheless,
your rule-makers are often folks who insist that they know what is
good for you, know it more conclusively than you do yourself. Every day we are bombarded with hundreds of cultural messages
that encourage us to seek approval. The songs that we hear each day
are filled with lyrical messages of approval-seeking, particularly the
best-selling “popular” songs of the past three decades. Those sweet
harmless lyrics may be more damaging than you realize. Here is a
brief list of titles that send out the signal that someone or something
else is more important than you. Without the approval of that special
someone, the “I” would collapse. • “I can’t live, if living is without you.”
• “You make me so very happy.”
• “You make me feel like a natural woman.”
• “You’re nobody till somebody cares.”
• “It all depends on you.”
• “You make me feel brand new.”
• “As long as he needs me.”
• “If you go away.”
• “People who need people.”
• “You are the sunshine of my life.”
• “No one else can make me feel the colors that you bring.”
• “Without you, I’m nothing.”60 / Your Erroneous ZonesPerhaps you can try an exercise the next time you find yourself
listening to a song that sends out the communiqués of approval-
seeking. Check for those lyrics which reflect the way you’ve been
taught to feel, that is, that you can’t make it if someone disapproves
of you or lets you down. Rewrite the songs to fit a mind-set of per-
sonal mastery rather than approval-seeking. For example:
• I make myself feel like a natural woman; it has nothing to do
with you. • I chose to love you. I must have wanted to do it then, but now
I’ve changed my mind. • People who need people are the unluckiest people in the world. But people who want love  and enjoy  people are making themselves
happy. • I make myself so very happy because of the things I tell myself
about you. • I am the sunshine of my life, and having you in it makes it even
brighter. • I can stop loving you, but at this point I choose not to. While they admittedly won’t sell, you can at least make a start on
redirecting the unconscious messages that you hear, and which re-
flect the way people in our culture have learned to believe. “Without
you I’m nothing” must be translated to “Without me I’m nothing,
but having you makes this present moment very nice.”
Television commercials make a special appeal to your approval-
seeking thinking. Many of these commercial skits are efforts by the
manufacturer to manipulate you into buying their products, by re-
inforcing the notion that other peoples’ beliefs are more important
than your own. Consider the following dialogue when friends are coming over
to your house for an afternoon of bridge:YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 611st Friend (sniffing the air): “Fried fish last night dear?” said in a
very disapproving tone. 2nd Friend: “George still smoking a cigar, I see,” in a similarly
unaccepting tone. You: Looking hurt, distraught—nay destroyed—because others
are disapproving of the odors in your own house. Psychological message: “What others think of you is much more
important than what you think of yourself, therefore, if you don’t
please your friends you deserve to feel bad.”
Consider also the following two skits and the message:
1. A waitress putting a bib around a customer’s neck at a lobster
party notices “ring around the collar.” The wife shrivels in shame
at the thought of not receiving approval from a strange waitress. 2. A woman shrinks in fear as she contemplates how her friends
will view her if she has baggy pantyhose. “I just couldn’t stand it if
they thought something bad about me. I must have their approval,
so I’ll buy this brand over that one.”
3. The mouthwash, toothpaste, deodorants and special spray ad-
vertisements are filled with psychological messages that you must
have approval, and the way to get it is to purchase this particular
item. Why do advertisers stoop to such tactics? Because they work! They sell. They recognize that people are infected with the need for
acceptance and they capitalize on this need by creating little sketches
that send out the right messages. There you have it, a culture that prizes and encourages approval-
seeking. It is hardly surprising that you’ve found yourself placing
too much emphasis on what others think. You’ve been conditioned
to do so throughout your life, and even if your own family was
conscious of the need to help you to promote self-reliance, the ancil-
lary cultural factors worked against them. But you don’t have to
hang on to this approval-seeking behavior. Just as you work at
eliminating the habit of self-put-down, so too can you eradicate this
approval-seeking habit. Mark Twain, writing in Puddinhead Wilson’s
Calendar,  gives a62 / Your Erroneous Zonescogent description of how to break a habitual pattern such as approv-
al-seeking. “Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window
by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”
Coaxing Approval-Seeking Downstairs, A Step at a Time
Take a look at the way the world works. To put it succinctly, you
can never please everyone. In fact, if you please fifty percent of the
people you are doing quite well. This is no secret. You know that at
least half of the people in your world are going to disagree with at
least half the things you say. If this is accurate (and you need only
look at landslide elections to see that forty-four percent of the popu-
lation still voted against the winner), then you will always have
about a 50-50 chance of getting some disapproval whenever you
express an opinion. Armed with this knowledge, you can begin to look at disapproval
in a new light. When someone disapproves of something you say,
instead of being hurt, or instantly shifting your opinion to gain
praise, you can remind yourself that you’ve just run into one of those
folks in the fifty percent who don’t agree with you. Knowing that
you’ll always get some disapproval for everything you feel, think,
say or do is the way out of the tunnel of despair. Once you expect
it, you won’t be inclined to hurt yourself with it, and you’ll simul-
taneously stop equating the repudiation of an idea or a feeling with
the repudiation of you. You can never escape disapproval, no matter how much you may
want it to go away. For every opinion you have, there is a counterpart
out there with exactly the opposite view. Abraham Lincoln talked
about this in a conversation at the White House reported by Francis
B. Carpenter:
…If I were to read, much less to answer all the attacks made
on me, this shop might as well be closed for anyYOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 63other business. I do the very best I know how—the very best I
can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings
me out alright, what is said against me won’t amount to any-
thing. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I
was right would make no difference. *
Some Examples of Typical Approval-Seeking Behavior
Like self-rejection, approval-seeking encompasses a large category
of self-defeating behaviors. Among the most commom kinds of ap-
proval-seeking activities are those detailed below. • Changing a position, or altering what you believe because
someone shows signs of disapproval. • Sugar-coating a statement to avoid the reaction of displeasure. • Apple-polishing in order to make someone like you. • Feeling depressed or anxious when someone disagrees with
you. • Feeling insulted or put-down when someone states a contrary
sentiment to your own. • Labeling someone a snob, or “stuck-up,” which is just another
way of saying “Pay more attention to me.”
• Being excessively agreeable and head nodding, even when you
don’t agree at all with what is being said. • Performing chores for someone and feeling resentful about not
being able to say no. • Being intimidated by a sharp salesperson and buying something
you don’t want…Or…Fearing taking it back because he won’t like
you. • Eating a steak in a restaurant that is not cooked the way
*Francis B. Carpenter, Six Months with Lincoln in the White House  (Watkins Glen,
N.Y.: Century House).64 / Your Erroneous Zonesyou ordered it, because the waiter won’t like you if you send it back. • Saying things you don’t mean just to avoid being disliked. • Spreading bad news about deaths, divorce, muggings and the
like, and enjoying the feeling of being noticed. • Getting permission to speak, or to make a purchase, or to do
anything, from a significant other in your life, because you fear the
displeasure of that person. • Apologizing for yourself at every turn—the excessive “I’m
sorry’s” that are designed to have others forgive you, and approve
of you all of the time. • Behaving in nonconforming  ways for the purpose of gaining at-
tention, which is the same neurosis as conforming for the sake of
external approval. Thus, wearing tennis shoes with your tuxedo, or
eating a handful of mashed potatoes and wanting to be noticed is
still approval-seeking. • Being pathologically late for all occasions. Here you can’t help
but be seen and it is an approval-seeking device which gets everyone
to pay attention. You may be doing it out of a need to be distin-
guished, and hence you are controlled by those doing the noticing. • Trying to impress others with your knowledge of something
that you know nothing about by “faking it.”
• Begging for compliments by setting yourself up for approval,
and then feeling bad when they don’t come. • Being unhappy about someone you respect having a contrary
point of view, and expressing it to you. Obviously, the list can go on forever. Approval-seeking is a cul-
tural phenomenon that is readily observable in all corners of our
globe. It is only distasteful when it becomes a need, which, of course,
is tantamount to giving up the self, and placing responsibility for
how you feel in the hands of others whose approbation is being
sought.YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 65The Dividends for Approval-Seeking
A look at the why of this self-defeating behavior will be useful in
coming up with some strategies for eliminating approval-seeking
needs. Below are some of the more common reasons—mostly neur-
otic in nature—for hanging onto approval-seeking. Payoffs for ap-
proval-seeking as a need include:
• Placing RESPONSIBILITY for your feelings on others. If you
feel the way you do (lousy, hurt, depressed, etc.) because someone
else didn’t approve of you, then THEY, not you, are responsible for
how you feel. • If they are responsible for how you feel because of with-holding
their approval, then any CHANGE in you is also impossible, since
it is their fault that you feel the way you do. Then they are also re-
sponsible for keeping you from being different. Thus approval-
seeking helps you to avoid changing. • As long as they are responsible and you can’t change, you don’t
have to take any risks. Consequently, hanging onto approval-seeking
as a way of life will help you to conveniently avoid any risk-taking
activities in your life. • Reinforcing a poor self-image and therefore encouraging self-
pity and do-nothingism. If you are immune from the need for ap-
proval, you are immune from self-pity when you don’t get it. • Reinforcing the idea that others must take care of you, and
therefore you can revert to the child in you and be coddled, protec-
ted—and manipulated. • Blaming others for what you are feeling, thereby creating a
scapegoating effect for everything you don’t like in your life. • Deluding yourself that you are liked by those others you’ve
made more important than yourself and thus feeling outwardly
comfortable even though there is a cauldron of discontent seething
inside of you. As long as the others are more significant, then the
outward appearance is more important.66 / Your Erroneous Zones• Taking solace in the fact that others notice you, which gives you
something to boast about to other approval-seeking friends. • Fitting into the culture which applauds such behavior and
winning you the favor of the many. These neurotic payoffs are strikingly similar to the rewards for
self-hate. In fact, the theme of avoiding responsibility, change and
risk is at the heart of all the self-destructive thinking and behavior
described in this book. Without all of the fancy diagnostic language,
it is just plain easier, more familiar and less risky to hang onto
neurotic behaviors. Approval-seeking as a need is obviously no ex-
ception. A Look at the Supreme Irony of Approval-Seeking Behavior
For a moment, engage in a little fantasy. Assume that you really
wanted approval from everyone and that it was possible to obtain
it. Further assume that this was a healthy goal. Now, with this in
mind, what would be the best, most efficient way to obtain your
end? Before answering, think of the one individual in your life that
seems to get the most approval. What is this individual like? How
does he behave? What is it about him that attracts everyone? You
probably have someone in mind who is candid, direct and straight-
forward, independent of other people’s opinions, and fulfilled. He
probably has little or no time for approval-seeking. This is very likely
a person who will tell it like it is, despite the consequences. Perhaps
he finds tact and diplomacy less important than honesty. He is not
a hurtful person, just an individual who has little time for the game-
playing that goes with speaking delicately and being careful to say
it just right to avoid hurting feelings. Isn’t that ironic! The people who seem to get the most ap-YOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 67proval in life are those who never seek it out, who have no desire
for it, and who are not preoccupied with achieving it. Here is a little fable which is applicable here, since happiness is
an absence of approval-seeking as a need:
A big cat saw a little cat chasing its tail and asked, “Why are
you chasing your tail so?” Said the kitten, “I have learned that
the best thing for a cat is happiness, and that happiness is my
tail. Therefore, I am chasing it: and when I catch it, I shall have
happiness.”
Said the old cat, “My son, I, too, have paid attention to the
problems of the universe. I, too, have judged that happiness is
in my tail. But, I have noticed that whenever I chase after it, it
keeps running away from me, and when I go about my busi-
ness, it just seems to come after me wherever I go.”*
So, if you want all of that approval, it is ironic that the most effect-
ive way to get it is to not want it and to avoid chasing after it and
to not demand it from everyone. By being in touch with yourself
and using your positive self-image as a consultant, much more ap-
proval will come to you. Of course you will never get approval from everyone for
everything that you do, but when you see yourself as worthy you’ll
never be depressed when approval is withheld. Disapproval will be
viewed by you as the natural consequence of living on this planet
where people are individual in their perceptions. Some Specific Strategies for Eliminating
Approval-Seeking as a Need
In order to cut down on your own approval-seeking behavior,
you will need to come in touch with your own neurotic rewards
*C. L. James, “On Happiness,” in To See a World in a Grain of Sand,  by Caesar
Johnson (Norwalk, Conn.: The C. R. Gibson Co., 1972).68 / Your Erroneous Zonesfor the continuation of the behavior. Beyond just thinking new self-
enhancing thoughts when you contact disapproval (which is the
most effective strategy you can employ), here are some specific
things you can work on to get yourself out of the approval-seeking
bind. • Label disapproval with new responses that begin with the word
you. For example, you note that your father is not agreeing with you
and is even getting angry. Rather than shifting or defending yourself,
simply respond with, “You’re getting upset, and you feel that I
shouldn’t think the way I do.” This will keep you in touch with the
fact that disapproval belongs to him, not you. The you strategy can
be employed any time, and with amazing results if you master the
technique. You’ll have to fight your temptation to start with “I,”
thereby putting yourself in the position of defending or modifying
what you just said in order to gain acceptance. • If you think someone else is trying to manipulate you by with-
holding approval, say so. Instead of turning wishy-washy for the
purpose of reaping some approval benefits, you can say out loud,
“Generally I would shift my position now in order to get you to like
me, but I really believe in what I said, and you’ll have to deal with
your own feelings about it.” Or, “I guess you’d like me to change
what I just said.” The act of labeling it will be helpful in keeping in
touch with your own thinking and behavior. • You can thank someone for providing you with data that will
be helpful in your growth, even though it was something you didn’t
like. The act of thanking puts an end to any approval-seeking. Your
husband says that you’re acting shy and nervous and he doesn’t
like it. Rather than trying to please him, you simply thank him for
pointing it out. The approval-seeking behavior is gone. • You can actively seek disapproval and work on yourself to not
be upset. Select someone who is bound to disagree and, flying in
the face of the disapproval, maintain your positionYOU DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL  / 69calmly. You’ll get better at not being upset, and not having to alter
your own views. You’ll be telling yourself that you expect this
“contrariness,” that it’s all right for them to be the way they are, and
that it really has nothing to do with you. By going after disapproval,
rather than avoiding it, you’ll build up your repertoire of behavior
for dealing effectively with it. • You can practice ignoring disapproval and not paying any atten-
tion to those who attempt to manipulate you with their denunciation. A colleague of mine was giving a lecture to a large audience in Berlin
and a member of the audience was obviously seething at certain
comments. Finally, he could stand it no longer and he picked on a
minor point the speaker was making and rattled off all kinds of ab-
usive remarks in the form of questions. He was attempting to bait
the speaker and to seduce him into a neurotic interchange. My col-
league’s response to his tirade was a simple “O.K.,” and he went on
with his talk. By ignoring the abuse, he proved that he wasn’t going
to evaluate himself on the basis of what someone else felt. The
heckler, of course, stopped. Had the speaker not felt good about
himself, he might have made someone else’s disapproval more im-
portant than his own good opinion of himself, and thus been upset
when it was withheld. • You can break the connecting chain between what others think,
say and do, and your own self-worth. Talk to yourself when you
encounter disapproval. “This is her stuff. I expect her to behave that
way. It has nothing to do with me.” This approach will eliminate
the self-hurt that you inflict when you connect someone else’s feeling
with your own thoughts. • Ask yourself this important question when you acquire disap-
proval. If they agreed with me, would I be better off? The answer is
obviously no. Whatever they think can have no effect on you unless
you let it. Moreover, you’ll most likely find that you are better liked
by those important folks like a boss, or loved one when you can
disagree with them without worry. • Accept the simple fact that many won’t ever understand you,
and that it is okay. Conversely, you won’t understand70 / Your Erroneous Zonesmany people who are very close to you. You don’t have to. It’s all
right for them to be different and the most fundamental understand-
ing you can have is that you don’t understand. Gustav Ischheiser
makes the point clearly in the following lines from Appearances and
Realities:
….If people who do not understand each other at least under-
stand that they do not understand each other, then they under-
stand each other better than when, not understanding each
other, they do not even understand that they do not understand
each other. • You can refuse to argue or try to convince anyone of the right-
ness of your stance, and simply believe it. • Trust yourself when buying clothes or other personal items
without first checking it out with someone whose opinion you value
more than your own. • Stop verifying your facts by having them substantiated by a
spouse or someone else with sentences like, “Isn’t that right, honey?”
or “Didn’t we, Ralph?” or “Just ask Marie, she’ll tell you.”
• Correct yourself out loud whenever you’ve behaved in an ap-
proval-seeking way, thereby becoming aware of this tendency and
practicing new behaviors. • Work at eliminating the numerous apologies that you make
even when you aren’t really sorry for what you’ve just said. All
apologies are pleas for forgiveness, and requests for forgiveness are
approval-seeking which takes the form of, “I know you wouldn’t
like me if I really meant what I just did, so please say that I’m still
okay.” Apologizing is a waste of time. If you need someone else to
forgive you before you can feel better, then you are giving them
control over your feelings. While you can resolve not to behave in
certain ways again, and see some of your behavior as unfortunate,
apologizing behavior is a sickness that invests control of one’s feel-
ings in another.
Your_Eroneous_Zones_by_Wayne_Dyer.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        That ad-
vertisers would encourage you to do this is understandable in light
of profits to be made, but that you would buy the products is less
easy to understand in view of the fact that you’re choosing to throw
away the real you. You can stop hiding the beautiful, natural you. Thus if you choose to use cosmetic aids of any kind, it will not be
based on disliking what you are covering up, but for reasons of
novelty or personal fulfillment. Being honest with yourself in this
realm is not easy, and it takes time to learn to distinguish what
pleases us from what the advertising business says should please
us. Choosing More Positive Self-Images
It is possible to make the same kind of choices with all of your
self-images. You can choose to think of yourself as intelligent by
applying your very own standards to yourself. In fact, the happier
you make yourself, the more intelligent you are. If you are deficient
in any areas such as algebra, spelling or writing, it is simply the
natural result of choices you have been making up until now. Should
you decide to devote enough practice time to any of these tasks, you
would undoubtedly be more proficient in them. If your image of
yourself is of someone who is not too intelligent, remember what
we said about intelligence in Chapter I. If you underestimate your-
self, it is because you have bought that notion, and you compare
yourself to others on certain school-related variables. It may surprise you to hear this, but you can choose to be as bright
as you desire. Aptitude is really a function of time, rather than some
inborn quality. One support for this belief can be found in the grade
norms for standardized achievement tests. These norms demonstrate
that scores achieved by the top stu-36 / Your Erroneous Zonesdents at one grade level are achieved by the majority of students at
a later grade level. Further studies show that although most students
eventually reach mastery on each learning task, some students
achieve mastery much sooner than do others. * Yet the label “defi-
cient” or even “retarded” is often attached to those who move more
slowly toward absolute mastery of a skill. Listen to John Carroll as
he talks on this point in his article, “A Model for School Learning,”
which appeared in Teachers College Record:
Aptitude is the amount of time required by the learner to attain
mastery of a learning task. Implicit in this formulation is the
assumption that, given enough time, all students can conceiv-
ably attain mastery of a learning task. With enough time and effort you could, if you so chose, master
almost any academic skill. But you don’t make that choice, for very
good reasons. Why should you put that kind of present-moment
energy into solving obscure problems or learning something that
doesn’t interest you. Being happy, living effectively and loving are
far greater goals. The point is that intelligence is not something that
you inherited or had otherwise bestowed upon you. You are as smart
as you choose to be. Not liking how smart you’ve chosen to be is
mere self-contempt, which can lead only to injurious consequences
in your own life. The logic of being able to choose your self-pictures applies to all
of the photographs of you that are lodged in your brain. You are as
socially adept as you choose to be. If you dislike the way you behave
socially, you can work at changing the behavior and not confusing
it with your own self-worth. Similarly, your artistic, mechanical,
athletic, musical and other abilities are largely the result of choices
and should not be confused with your worthiness. (See Chapter IV
for a full treatment of your self-descriptions and why you’ve chosen
them for yourself. ) In
*Benjamin S. Bloom, et al. , Handbook on Formative and Summative Evaluation of
Student Learning  (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1971). FIRST LOVE  / 37the same light, the preceding chapter made a case for your emotional
life being the product of your own choices. Self-acceptance based
upon what you believe to be appropriate for you is something you
can make a decision about now. Repairing those things that don’t
measure up can be a delightful undertaking, and there’s no reason
to choose to feel unworthy, just because there are things about
yourself that you’re going to improve. Self-dislike can take many forms, and perhaps you engage in some
putting-down-of-yourself behavior. Here is a brief list of some typ-
ically recurring behavior that falls into this category of the self-veto. • Rejecting compliments directed at you. (“Oh, this old thing…. I’m really not smart, just lucky I guess”…)
• Making up excuses for why you look nice. (“It’s my hairdresser,
she could make a toad look good”…“Believe me, it’s the wardrobe
that does it”…“Green is my color”…)
• Giving credit to others when it rightfully belongs to you. (“Thank
God for Michael, without him I would be nothing”…“Marie did all
the work, I just stood around and supervised”…)
• Using other-directed references when speaking. (“My husband
says”…“My mother feels”…“George always tells me that”…)
• Having your opinions verified by others. (“Isn’t that right
dear. ”…“That’s what I said, didn’t I, Martha. ”…“Just ask my hus-
band, he’ll tell you”…)
• Refusing to order something you want, not because you can’t
afford it (although this may be your stated reason) but because you
don’t feel that you’re worth it. • Not having orgasms. • Not buying yourself something because you think you have to
buy it for someone else, although sacrificing is not necessary;38 / Your Erroneous Zonesor not treating yourself to the things you would like to own, because
you’re not worth it. • Avoiding indulgences such as flowers, wine or whatever, which
you love because that would be wasteful. • In a crowded room, someone yells out, “Hey, Stupid,” and you
turn around. • Using pet names for yourself (and having others use them as
well) that are really put-downs, including Dum-dum, Silly, Sweetie-
pie or Baby (for an adult), Funny-face, Shorty, Fatty, or Baldy. • A friend or lover gives you a gift of jewelry. The thought in your
head goes something like this…“You must have a drawer full of
jewelry at home for other girls. ”
• Someone tells you that you look good. The sentence in your
head is, “You’re practically blind or you must be trying to make me
feel good. ”
• Someone takes you to a restaurant or theater. You think, “This
is how it is in the beginning, but how long will it last once he finds
out what kind of a person I really am. ”
• A girlfriend accepts a date and you feel that she is going along
just to be charitable. I once worked with a young woman who was quite attractive and
obviously much sought after by men. Shirley insisted, however, that
all her relationships ended badly and that, though she wanted des-
perately to marry, she had never had the opportunity. It came out
in counseling that Shirley was ruining each of her relationships
without realizing it. If a young man told her he cared for her or loved
her, Shirley’s head contradicted with “He’s only saying that because
he knows it’s what I want to hear. ” Shirley was always searching
for a sentence that would repudiate her worth. There was no self-
love and so she rejected efforts by others to love her. She didn’t be-
lieve that anyone could find her appealing. Why. Because she didn’t
believe that she was worth being loved in the first place, and so the
intermi-FIRST LOVE  / 39nable cycle of renunciation was her way of reinforcing her notions
of her lack of worth. While many of the items in the list above may appear to be petty,
they nevertheless are tiny indicators of self-rejection. If you sacrifice
or refuse to be extravagant with yourself, which often turns out to
be choosing hamburger-helper over lamb chops, it is because you
don’t feel you’re worth the better cut. Perhaps you’ve been taught
that common courtesy calls for denial of a compliment or that you
really aren’t attractive. These are the lessons you’ve learned and the
self-denying behavior is now second nature. There are numerous
examples of self-repudiation behavior that surface in conversations
and in everyday behavior. And each time you engage in any kind
of a self-put-down, you reinforce that old bugaboo that others have
laid on you and reduce your own opportunities for any kind of love
in your life, be it self or other-directed love. Surely you are too
worthy to go around putting yourself down. Accepting Yourself Without Complaint
Self-love means accepting yourself as a worthy person because
you choose to do so. Acceptance also means an absence of complaint. Fully functioning people never complain, and particularly they don’t
complain about the rocks being rough, or the sky being cloudy or
the ice being too cold. Acceptance means no complaining, and hap-
piness means no complaining about the things over which you can
do nothing. Complaining is the refuge of those who have no self-
reliance. Telling others about the things you dislike in yourself helps
you to continue the dissatisfaction since they are almost always
powerless to do anything about it except deny it and then you don’t
believe them. Just as complaining to others accomplishes nothing,
so permitting others to abuse you with their own tote bags full of
self-pity and misery helps no one. A simple question to ask will
generally end this useless and unpleasant behavior. “Why are40 / Your Erroneous Zonesyou telling me this. ” or “Is there anything I can do to help you with
this. ” By asking yourself the same questions, you will begin to re-
cognize your complaining behavior as ultimate folly. It is time spent
in a wasteful manner, time which might be put to better use in
practicing self-loving kinds of activities, such as silent self-praise,
or helping someone else to achieve fulfillment. There are two occasions when complaining is least appreciated
in the world: (1) Whenever you tell someone else that you are tired. (2) Whenever you tell someone else that you don’t feel well. If you
are tired, you can exercise several options, but complaining to even
one poor soul, let alone a loved one, is abusing that person. And it
won’t make you less tired. The same kind of logic applies to your
“not feeling well. ”
Nothing is being said here about informing others of how you
feel when they can help you in any small way. What is being chal-
lenged is complaining to others who can do nothing but endure the
grumbling. Additionally, if you are truly working on self-love, and
you are experiencing any pain or discomfort, you will want to work
on this yourself, rather than choosing someone to lean on and have
them share your burden. Complaining about yourself is a useless activity, and one which
keeps you from effectively living your life. It encourages self-pity
and immobilizes you in your efforts at giving and receiving love. Moreover it reduces your opportunities for improved love relation-
ships and increased social intercourse. While it may get you attention,
the noticing will be done in a light that will clearly cast shadows on
your own happiness. Being able to accept yourself without complaint involves an un-
derstanding of both self-love and the complaining process, which
are mutually exclusive terms. If you genuinely love you, then com-
plaining to others who can do nothing for you becomes absurdly
impossible to defend. And if you notice things in yourself (and oth-
ers) that you dislike, rather than complaining you can actively set
about taking the necessary corrective steps. The next time you are at a social gathering of four or moreFIRST LOVE  / 41couples, you can try this little exercise. Chronicle how much conver-
sation is actually spent in complaining. From self to others, to events,
prices, the weather, and on and on. Now, when the party is over
and everyone has gone their separate ways, ask yourself, “How
much of the complaining that went on tonight accomplished any-
thing. ” “Who really cares about all of the things that we bemoaned
tonight. ” Then, the next time you are about to complain keep the
uselessness of that night in mind. Self-Love vs. Conceit
You may be thinking that all of this talk about self-love involves
a form of obnoxious behavior akin to egomania. Nothing could be
further from the truth. Self-love has nothing to do with the sort of
behavior characterized by telling everyone how wonderful you are. That’s not self-love, but rather an attempt to win the attention and
approval of others by chest-thumping behavior. It is just as neurotic
as the behavior of the individual who is overloaded with self-con-
tempt. Boastful behavior is motivated by others, by an attempt to
gain their favor. It means the individual is evaluating himself on the
basis of how others see him. If he were not, he would not feel the
need to convince them. Self-love means you love yourself; it doesn’t
demand the love of others. There is no need to convince others. An
internal acceptance is sufficient. It has nothing to do with the view-
points of others. The Rewards for Not Loving Yourself
Why would anyone choose not to love himself. Where is the ad-
vantage. The dividends, while they may be unhealthy, are neverthe-
less there for you to examine. And this is the core of42 / Your Erroneous Zoneslearning to be an effective person—understanding why you behave
in self-defeating ways. All behavior is caused, and the road to elim-
inating any self-destructive behavior is strewn with the potholes of
misunderstanding your own motives. Once you comprehend the
why of your self-malice and the maintenance system for retaining
it, you can begin to attack the behaviors. Without the understanding
of self, the old actions will continue to recur. Why have you chosen to engage in self-denouncing ways, however
slight they may seem to you. It may be that it is just plain easier to
buy the stuff that others tell you than to think for yourself. But there
are other dividends as well. If you choose to not love yourself and
treat yourself as unimportant by placing other heads higher than
your own, you will…
• Have a built-in excuse for why you can’t get any love in your
life, that is, you simply are not worth being loved back. The excuse
is the neurotic payoff. • Be able to avoid any and all risks that go with establishing love
relationships with others, and thereby eliminate any possibility of
ever being rejected or disapproved. • Find that it is easier to stay the way you are. As long as you’re
not worthy there is just no point in trying to grow or to be better
and happier, and your payoff is remaining the same. • Gain a lot of pity, attention and even approval from others,
which substitutes nicely for the risky business of getting involved
in a love relationship. Thus the pity and attention are your self-de-
feating rewards. • Have many convenient scapegoats to blame for your own misery. You can complain and thus you won’t have to do anything about it
yourself. • Be able to use up your present moments with mini-depressions,
and avoid behavior that would help you to be different. Your self-
pity will serve as your escape route. • Regress to being a good little boy or girl, calling upon theFIRST LOVE  / 43leftover responses of a child and therefore pleasing those “big-
people” that you learned to regard as superior to you. Your regres-
sion is safer than risk. • Be able to reinforce your leaning-on-others behavior by making
them more significant than you make yourself. A leaning post is a
dividend even though you’re hurt by it. • Be unable to take charge of your own life and live it the way
you choose, simply because you won’t feel that you are worth the
happiness you covet. These are the components of your self-scorn maintenance system. They are the reasons you choose to hang on to the old thinking and
behavior. It is just plain easier, that is, less risky, to put yourself
down than to try to get up. But remember, the only evidence for life
is growth, and so to refuse to grow into a self-loving person is a
deathlike choice. Armed with these insights into your own behavior,
you can begin to practice some mental and physical exercises to en-
courage the growth of your own self-love. Some Easy-to-Master Self-Love Exercises
The practice of self-love begins with your mind. You must learn
to control your thinking. This requires a lot of present-moment
awareness at the times when you are behaving in self-condemnatory
kinds of ways. If you can catch yourself as you are doing it, you can
then begin to challenge the thought in back of your behavior. You find that you have just said something like, “I’m really not
that smart, I guess I was just lucky to get an A on that paper. ” The
bell should go off in your head. “I just did it. I behaved in a self-
loathing way. But I’m aware of it now, and the next time I’ll stop
myself from saying those things I’ve been saying all of my life. ”
Your strategy is to correct yourself out44 / Your Erroneous Zonesloud with a statement such as, “I just said I was lucky, but luck really
had nothing to do with it. I got the grade because I deserved it. ” One
small step toward self-love, the step being a recognition of your
present-moment put-down and a decision to act differently. Before
you had a habit; now you have an awareness of wanting to be differ-
ent, and you have made a choice to make it happen. It’s just like
learning to drive a stick shift. Eventually you’ll have a new habit
which will not require constant awareness. You’ll soon be behaving
in all kinds of self-adoring ways naturally. With your mind now working for, rather than against you, exciting
self-love activities are on the horizon. Here is a brief list of such be-
haviors to which you can add as you achieve a sense of self-esteem
based upon your own worth. • Select new responses to others’ attempts to reach you with love
or acceptance. Rather than instantly being skeptical of a loving ges-
ture, accept them with a “thank-you” or “I’m happy that you feel
that way. ”
• If there is someone that you feel genuine love toward, say it
right out front “I love you” and while you check out the reactions
you receive in return, pat yourself on the back for taking the risk. • In a restaurant, order something you really enjoy no matter what
it costs. Give yourself a treat because you are worth it. Begin to select
items that you would prefer in all situations, including the grocery
store. Indulge yourself with a favorite product because you are worth
it. Outlaw self-denial unless it is absolutely necessary—and it rarely
is. • After a tiring day and a large meal take a brief nap or a jog in
the park even if you have too many things to do. It will help you to
feel one hundred percent better. • Join an organization, or sign up for an activity that you will en-
joy. Perhaps you’ve been putting this off because you have so many
responsibilities that you just don’t have the time. ByFIRST LOVE  / 45choosing to love yourself, and partaking of the slices of life that you
want, those others that you serve will begin to learn some self-reli-
ance of their own. And you will find yourself with an absence of
resentment toward them. You will be serving them out of choice,
rather than obligation. • Eliminate jealousy by recognizing it is a put-down of yourself. By comparing yourself to some other person and imagining you are
loved less, you make others more important than you. You are
measuring your own merit in comparison to another. Remind
yourself that (1) Someone can always choose another without having
it be a reflection on you, and (2) whether or not you are chosen by
any significant other is not the way you validate your own self-worth. If you make it that way, you are doomed to eternal self-doubt, be-
cause of the uncertainty of how a particular someone out there is
going to feel at any precise moment of any given day. Should he/she
choose another, that choice reflects only the other, not you. With
practice at self-love, any circumstances in which you’ve previously
found yourself to be jealous will be reversed. You’ll believe so much
in you that you won’t need the love or approval of others to give
you value. • Your self-love activity might also include new ways of treating
your body, such as selecting good nutritional foods, eliminating
excess weight (which can be a health risk as well as an indication of
self-rejection), taking regular walks or bicycle rides, choosing plenty
of healthy exercise, getting outdoors to enjoy fresh air because it
feels good, and in general keeping your body healthy and attractive. Provided you want to be healthy.
The passage emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance and self-love, and encourages the reader to recognize that they have the power to choose their own self-image and self-worth.
What is the main point of the passage about self-love and self-acceptance?
Yes, the author argues that intelligence is not something you inherit, but rather something you can choose to be by devoting time and effort to learning and personal growth.
According to the author, can you choose to be intelligent?
The passage distinguishes between self-love and conceit, stating that self-love is about accepting and loving oneself, while conceit is about trying to gain the approval of others.
What is the difference between self-love and conceit?
The passage lists several examples of self-rejection behaviors, including rejecting compliments, making excuses, giving credit to others, and refusing to treat oneself with kindness.
What are some examples of self-rejection behaviors?
The author argues that self-acceptance is about recognizing that you are worthy and deserving of love, regardless of external validation or approval.
According to the author, what is the main difference between self-love and self-acceptance?