When you per ceive life thr ough this vision, separation
ends. Following your dharma in the deepest sense means not merely adhering
to rules of righteous conduct or obeying the laws set down by society—
there is no fixed  formula for finding the Way. Being in dharma signifies that
you have set a spiritual goal for yourself and are dedicated to reaching it. As
relationships today struggle to survive, they need a new reason to justify
themselves, which makes this broader meaning of dharma essential. SURRENDER AND  “THE WAY”
When you first think of the word surrender , you probably associate it with
defeat. This is a natural association from the ego’s viewpoint. In any
situation where struggle dominates, no one is acting out of love, and it’s
inevitable that only one side can win. You only have to remember the last
argument you were in to realize  that arriving at a place of mutu al love was
the furthest thing from your mind.But there is another meaning to surrender , as you can remember from the
experience of falling in love. Falling in love allows you to surrender to what
you deeply desire, not what someone else is trying to impose . Imagine a
trivial incident: your mate asks you to help clean up the house when you are
watching TV or reading a book  you don’t want to break away from. How
do you frame this situation? Ego frames it as “You want me to do something I prefer not to do. I’ll
decide whether to give in or not.” Spirit frames it as “I see that you need
me.” Notice that the outcome is not what is at stake. Whether or not ego
gives in, it is still framing the incident as a conflict. Its main concern is to
keep power on its side, therefore it must win the conflict. Winning means
either saying no and getting away with it or saying yes and feeling
magnanimous. The aim of both outcomes is to avoid defeat. Spirit has no such ulterior motives. It acknowledges the other person’ s
need, but it neither takes respon sibility for that need nor opposes it. In this
way the other person is seen as real, because whenever you need something,
your need is your reality . The only true need anyone has is to be seen as r eal. A lot of the time we are lost in unreal needs. Your mate could be asking
you to clean house for dozens of reasons. She may be angry or feel upset
that household work is all left to her. She may feel demeaned, ignored,
overwhelmed, anxious, compulsive, controlling—or she may just need help
cleaning the house. The absenc e of ulterior motives is what marks spirit. The neediness of an insecure ego doesn’ t get disguised by other tactics. When you are in spirit you don’t feel the urge to manipulate, cajole, seduce,
demand, beg, or insist. You simply allow , and in that you make an open
space for love to flow . Does this mean  that a “spiritua l” person always gets up from  TV or a
book to clean the house? No. Spirit never acts in a fixed way. In general, to
hear that someo ne you love needs you does result in fulfillin g the need. There are certain  loving instincts that come naturally when you are in touch
with spirit:
You don’ t oppose. You put feelings over results.You want to help. Service gives rise to feelings of joy . You put another ’s wishes on the same plane as your own. These instincts develop and mature through surrender over the years. But
if you go back again to the experience of falling in love, you will see that
these aren’ t learned responses. Love already contains them. Love
automatically means release from ego conflict and struggle. A single
experience of falling in love isn’t a complete release, since struggle
inevitably return s, but lovers get at least a glimpse of the Way. Whether
they can articulate it or not, this is what they discover:
It takes no ef fort to love. The state of being has its own innate joy . Questions answer themselves if you are aware enough. Life is safe. Flowing with the current of being is the simplest way to live. Resistance never really succeeds. Controlling the flow of life is impossible. These are the realizations that bring a person out of struggle. Struggle is
born of the ego’ s isolation; it ends when you can find the W ay and surrender
to its guiding force. Struggle appears to be against others or against yourself, but in r eality it is always against
dharma. In dharma ther e is no struggle. Since one of man’ s most prized qualities is his ability to strugg le against
adversity , a life of nonstruggle falls far outside our current worldview . Yet
to come from love obviously cannot be a struggle. How are the two
reconciled? The answer lies in free will. Humans can choose  to end the
struggle and come from love—every day this possibility is precisely what
you face in your relationship, for example. Marriage is a testing ground and
a mirror. It tests your willingness to believe in love as the solution. It
mirrors the beliefs you actually operate under , which are either in love or in
non-love. Strugg le and surrender are the two poles of free will. Because all
of us believe in love some of the time but not all, we are fated  to lead our
lives in conflict unless we find a way to resolve this dualism. Hence the
importance of dharma. In the case of animals and plants, dharma operates automatically; there is
no need for self-doubt and questioning, and no chance of straying from thepath. Growth and behavior are both innate. The tiger has no remorse for its
predatory natur e, no empathy for its prey, no ability to change into a
peaceful grazer of grass if it wanted to. If tigers are to evolve into different
kinds of creatures, the move must occur to the whole species by increments
that take thousands of years. In mode rn scientific terminolog y the unfolding of the genetic code that
makes a banyan tree different from a tiger lies at such a deep level within
cellular memory  that, short of dying, nothing a creature does in the way of
behavior can divert its preprog rammed DNA. In spiritual terminology , a
creature’ s dharm a is more powerful than any single individual; it upholds
life on a set path as long as a species is able to find a fit environment for its
survival. Dharma operates for humans too, but in a way that allows for free will. Each of us grows from a single fertilized egg into a matur e person as
dictated by our unique genetic code. Our genes put us on a timetable written
into our cells. Your first set of baby teeth did not stop coming  in because
you found their growth painful and cried; puberty was not hastened or
delayed by your emotional confusion. Yet within this pattern set for our species, you have tremendous freedom
to act, to think, to feel. You make choices that influence your happiness far
beyond your prospects for survival. The fact that we are both determined
and free has been a puzzle for many centuries. The Vedas teach that human
beings are capable of personal  evolution, not just the evolution of the
species. A person who is motivated by anger , selfishness, distrust, and
jealousy always has a choice to evolve and achieve a new level where love,
compassion, forgiveness, and truth replace these lower drive s. In other
words, spirit responds to your vision of it, and the higher your vision, the
more you will evolve. Choosing your own dharma determines completely how happy , successful, and loving you will be
in your lifetime. By the standards of our culture, this is a startling statement, for we
believe in randomness, accident s, and unforeseeable influences. We do not
believe that spirit is constantly responding to our vision. On the path,
however , these random elements are a mask. There are no accide nts in spirit—everything happening around you is a reflection of your current spiritual
state. If your spiritual state is confused, anxious, and doubtful, then there is
limited power of dharma operating in your life. You are detached from the
natural laws that are meant to uphold each person from birth to death. Without dharma  there can be no love, because love is part of dharma’ s
upholding force . A life lived in dharma can partake of love without limits. Dharma is a subtle, flexible, ever-changing guide, always sensitive to the
next step that is meant for you and no one else. The logical question arises, “If there is a universal force that can guide
my life, why don’t I see or feel it already?” The answer is that spirit is
blocked by the ego’s vision. If you are living a vision of life derived from
your separate, isolated identity— as almost everyone is—then a new vision
cannot compete. Love and ego are incompatible. Surrender must begin on
the smallest, most intimate scale . It starts with you and someone you love,
learning to be together without resistance or fear . When two peop le decide to approach life as a path of evolution, their
relationship is dharmic. You and your beloved are walking a path never
walked in exactl y the same way by anyone else who has ever lived. You do
not take a breath, think a though t, have a wisp of feeling that existed before,
and the intimacy you build together will never be known again. Countless
paths exist—as many as there are people in the world—and yet, like an
invisible guiding  thread, each path must follow the Way of living that leads
to spirit. OceanofPDF .comLOVING  PRACTICE
Letting Go
IN PRACTICAL TERMS  surrender means letting go. Although you don’t realize
it, reality isn’t a given. Each of us inhabits a separate reality . Your mind
maintains your personal versio n of reality by buttressing it with beliefs,
expectations, and interpretations. Your mind blocks the free flow of the life
force by saying, “This is how things must and should be.” Letting go
releases you from this insistent  grip, and when you let go, new forms of
reality can enter . You only have to take a ride on a roller coaster to see who gets more
enjoyment out of the experience, those who clutch tight with white
knuckles and clenched jaws or those who let go and allow them selves to be
carried up and down without resistance. Letting go is a process. You have to know when to apply it, what to let go
of, and how to let go. Your mind is not going to show you any of these
things; worse still, your ego is going to try to prevent you from making
progress, since it believes that you have to hold on in order to survive. Your
only ally in letting go is spirit, which sees reality as a whole and therefore
has no need to create partial realities based on limitation. Releasing yourself
into spirit is the purpose of the following exercises. The whole path to love could be described as learning to let go, but
letting go all at once isn’t possi ble. This is a path of many small steps. At
any given moment the steps are basically the same: awareness begins to
substitute for reactions. A reacti on is automatic; it draws upon fixed beliefs
and expectation s, images of past pain and pleasure residing in memory ,
waiting to guide you in future situations. If you were bitten by a big dog as
a child, seeing a big dog today will make you draw away . Mem ory has told
you, in a fraction of a second, that your reaction to big dogs should be fear .Overcoming this or any reaction requires an act of awareness. Awareness
doesn’ t resist the imprint of memory . It goes into it and questio ns whether
you need it now. In the face of a big dog, awareness tells you that you aren’ t
a small child anymore and that not all big dogs bite. Being aware of this,
you can ask if you need to hold on to fear. Whether you wind up petting the
dog, ignoring it, or withdrawing is now a matter of choice. Reactions result
in a closed set of options; awareness results in an open set of options. Every time you ar e tempted to r eact in the same old way , ask if you want to be a prisoner of the
past or a pioneer of the futur e. The past is closed and limited; the futur e is open and fr ee. Because the mind holds on with an endless set of expectations, beliefs,
and images, you could practice letting go every moment of your life. This is
not feasible, yet strong signals will tell you when letting go is appropriate. Knowing when to let go is obvious, once you have awareness. When to let go. The crucial times to let go are when you feel the strongest urge not to. We all hold on tightest when our fear, anger , pride, and distrust take over. Yet these forces have no spiritual validity . At those moments when you are
most afraid, angry , stubborn, or mistrustful, you are in the grip of unreality . Your ego is forcing you to react from the past, blinding you to new
possibilities here and now . A mind that is desperately holding on says things like
I hate this. It has to end. I can’ t stand it anymore. If this keeps up I’ll die. I can’ t go on. There’ s nothing left. I have no choice. It has to be my way or else. You’re all wrong. None of you understands me. You always treat me this way . Why do you always have to do this? There are infinite variations on these statements, but the underlying feelings
are remarkably similar . You feel you can’t cope anymore. You feel boxed
in. You feel you won’ t survive. You feel that something bad always happens
to you. These feelings give rise to the rigid, contracted state of resistance,
disallowing the reality that good things can happen at any time.Spirit has a good outcome for any situation, if you can open yourself to
it. A key word to holding on is always. As soon as your mind tells you that
something alway s happens, you are in the grip of a false belief. “Always” is
never true; realit y isn’t a vast, fixed scheme trapping you withou t choice. At
any mom ent you have the choice to break out of what is really trapping you
—your automatic reactions dredged up from the past. What to let go of. If the right time to let go is when you don’t want to, the thing to let go of
is the thing you feel you must hold on to. Fear, anger , stubbo rnness, and
distrust portray themselves as your rescuers. Actually these energies only
make you more closed off. Tell yourself: Nobody ever solved a situation by
panicking; no one ever solved a situation by refusing to hear new answers;
no one ever solved a situation by shutting down. In your calmer moments you know this, but the mind goes on clinging to
the unreal out of habit and inertia. Panicky people tend to act that way
because it is familiar; the same is true for angry and stubborn people. It is
helpful to challenge familiar reactions by stating that you no longer believe
in them. Here are a few examples of what I mean:
Instead of saying, “I have to have my way ,” say to yourself, “I don’ t know everything. I can accept
an outcome I don’ t see right now .”
Instead of saying, “I can’ t stand this,” say to yourself, “I’ve survived things like this before.”
Instead of saying, “I’m incredibly afraid,” say to yourself, “Fear isn’ t me. Being more afraid
doesn’ t make it any more real.” (This technique is also applicable to feelings of overwhelming
anger , distrust, rejection, anxiety , and so forth.) Instead of saying, “Y ou’re all wrong, no one understands me,” say to yourself, “There’ s more to
this situation than any single person knows.”
The general formula here is that whenever you react with “X has to be
this way or else,” you bring awareness in and say, “X doesn’ t have to be
any way except what it is.”
How to let go. In overwhelmin gly emotional or difficult situations, no one lets go. You
are not superhuman; when anger, fear, doubt, and stubbornness are so
powerful that you have no choic e but to give in to them, realize that you are
having an extreme reaction. Say to yourself, “I’m really holding on, but thisexperience isn’t me. It’s just an experience that’s going to pass, and when it
does I’ll let it go.” Even in the most extreme situations, you can be willing
to let go, which is a big step in itself. Most of the time, though, you are not under extreme duress, and the
process of letting go can begin. Since letting go is a deeply personal choice,
you are going to have to be your own teacher . The process takes place on
every level—physical, mental, and emotional—where energy can be stuck
or held, and no two people have exactly the same issues. You may feel
comfortable with a lot more physical release than I do; I may feel
comfortable with a lot more emotional release than you do. Finding the
right personal balance is important. Letting go physically . Letting go physi cally is a matter  of stress release. Under stress your body
tenses and contracts; breathing gets ragged and shallow; hormonal balances
switch from their normal levels to the hypervigilant state of fight or flight. You cannot cope with all of this at once. In the overall plan taking part in a
stress management program is a long-term commitment you should make,
whether through  meditation, yoga, or countless other options. Stress is
ongoing; therefore reducing stress also needs to be ongoing. In the short run letting go of stress involves relaxing. Take deep,
measured breaths, letting the breath go free on the exhale. Lie down if you
can and allow release to take place for as long as it needs to. Signs of good
release are yawning, sighing, silent sobs, coughing, sneezing, and feeling
sleepy . Let your body do any or all of these things. Other means of physical release besides breathing include laughing,
screaming, shouting, taking a walk, swimming, taking a long bath, dancing,
and doing aerobics. Shaking out the stress does in fact work, at least
partially . The intention here is to let your body release what it wants to. Your body doesn’t like holding on to stress; it does so essentially at the
urging of the mind. T aking your mind of f the situation and letting your body
release its excess ener gies is a valuable step. Under really extreme stress, walk away from the situation—tell anyone
else who is involved that you need to be alone for a while to get your
bearings. Offer reassurance that you will be back, and even if the otherperson puts pressure on you to stay, give yourself permission to do what
you need to do for your own well-being. Letting go mentally . I have already said a great deal about how the mind holds on through
beliefs, expectations, and interpretations. It takes a lifetime to build up these
conditioned responses, but dismantling them occurs moment by moment. The present is the right time to begin. When you find yourself in a situation
in which you are certain of disaster , loss, hurt, or any other negative
outcome, use the following formulas, as appropriate:
This is just an experience. I’m here on earth to have experiences. Nothing is wrong. My higher Self knows what is going on. This situation is for my benefit, even if I can’ t see that
now. My fears may come true, but the outcome will not destroy me. It may even be good. I’ll wait and
see. I’m having a strong reaction now , but it isn’ t the real me. It will pass. Whatever I’m afraid of losing is meant to go. I will be better of f when new ener gies come in. Whatever fear says, nothing can destroy me. When people fall they don’ t break, they bounce. Change is inevitable. Resisting change doesn’ t work. There is something here for me, if I have the awareness to find it. The things I fear the most have already happened. I don’ t want to hold on anymore. My purpose is to let go and welcome what is to come. Life is on my side. I am loved; therefore I am safe. These aren’ t just formulations, they are new beliefs that, when sincerely
held, call in spirit to aid you. To build a new reality you need new mental
structures. The situations that your ego resists with all its might are
precisely the ones that should be embraced, because from the spiritual
perspective anything that dismantles your limiting mental constructs is
beneficial. You have to break down the known to enable the unknown to
enter . Letting go emotionally . Emotions are more stubborn than thoughts. The glue that holds  you fast
to your old belie fs and expectations is emotion. Whenever you tell yourself
that you can’t let go, you are making an emotional statement. In reality you
can let go of any situation any time. “I can’t” really means, “I fear the
emotional conse quences if I do.” Your ego draws a line in the sand andinsists that you will not survive the inner feelings that will arise if the line is
crossed. A powerful limitation is being self-imposed here, and at botto m it isn’t
true. Y ou will survive  any emotion; indeed, whatever you consider to be too
much fear, too much loss, too much humiliation, too much disapproval, too
much rejection has already happened. You have crossed the line many
times, otherwise you wouldn’ t know where to draw it. What your ego is
really saying is that you can’t cross the line again . From spirit’ s point of
view , however , you don’ t have to. There is a law in the unconsci ous that whatever you avoid will come
back, and the more you avoid it, the stronger its return. People who swear
that they will never be that afraid again, that angry , that devasta ted are only
setting themselv es up for the return of fear, anger , and devastation. The
refusal to face this fact creates much unnecessary misery . Instead of r esisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully , embrace it, and see
through your r esistance. Painful emotion s don’t come back for external reasons. They return because
they are part of you; you creat ed them before pushing them away. Every
emotion you experience is yours. We all make the mistake of believing that something “out there” makes
us afraid, angry , depressed, anxious, and so on. In truth events “out there”
are only triggers. The cause of every emotion is “in here,” which means that
inner work can heal it. Deciding to do the inner work is the first and most important step. Even
after years of emotional healing, there will be moments when you are
certain that someone else is responsible for making you feel a certain way. Dedication to inner work means  refusing to accept this perspect ive ever, no
matter how often it returns. Spiritually , you are the creator of your reality . You are the interpreter , the seer, the decision-maker , the chooser . When you
find yourself dominated by a negative emotion, try to release it physically
first, since bodily ef fects are half or more of what you’re feeling. Having done that, use the following formulas to reframe your emotion, as
they apply:Instead of telling yourself that your emotion is bad, ask it what it has
to tell you. Every emotion exists for a reason, and the reason is always
to help you. Emotions are here to serve. Instead of pushing an emotion away , tell it you want to have a closer
look. Ask it to reveal itself from behind its mask. V ery often you will
find that emotions are layered. Anger masks fear; fear masks hurt. Getting past an emotion means getting through its layers to the root. If a feeling is overwhelming, say to yourself, “I want to ride this out
first befor e I look at it.”  Realize that the overwhelming feeling isn’ t
the real you; it’ s something you’re going through. If you r ecognize that certain situations always bring the same r eaction,
ask what you need to learn in or der for that r eaction to change. Repetition is like a knock on the door—it stops when you open the
door and greet what’ s on the other side. Whenever you find yourself drawing a line in the sand, stop doing it. Resisting only makes things worse. Let the emotion rise. Release it by
crying, screaming, losing your temper , shaking with fear—whatever it
takes. Emotions come and go. Realize that each one has a rhythm, and
allow yourself to be in that rhythm. The best way not to drown is to
ride the wave. As you begin to master the art of letting go, with patience, dedication, and
love, your reality will change. It has no choice. Things “out there” are
always mirrors of what’ s going on “in here.” In the process of letting go you
will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself. It will not be
a self made of beliefs, expectations, and interpretations, for these things
come and go. It will be a permanent Self, rooted in awareness and
creativity . Once you have captured this, you have captured the world. OceanofPDF .comIN OUR LIVES
What About Me? DELLA AND FRANK  had gotten to the point where everything seemed to turn
into an argumen t, but at least they agreed on one thing: each of them was
married to the most selfish person in the world. They were becoming
masters of biting sarcasm and had developed thick enough skins to take
what the other dished out. Keeping up appearances in front of other people
was still possible with effort, but there were mornings when the only
communication between Della and Frank was a terse note left on the
breakfast table. “We’re still sleeping in the same bed,” Della said. “We have our good
days and even some good weeks, but for some reason we can’ t stop going at
each other .”
Some of their friends muttered “lawyers” and left it at that. Della had met
Frank on the law review staff at the end of law school, eight years ago. Theirs wasn’t a smooth road to marriage—it was more like the cautious
courtship of two hedgehogs—and neither made apologies for his or her
strong personality . They knew what they wanted and never let a grievance
rest. When bantering turned to bickering and then started to draw blood, it
was hard to assess responsibility on either side. “No one knows how hard we’re trying. Right from the start we thought
our marriage had a good chance,” Della says. “A lot of issues got worked
out in advance. For instance, Frank agreed that I could keep my earnings
separate from his. We’re very meticulous about keeping accounts so that the
expenses are divided fairly . There’ s nothing worse in my eyes than a
woman who wants her own money but makes the man pay for everything.”
This was one of the first areas that exposed the rift resulting from the
extremely different backgrounds they came from. Della was born into a
well-to-do family of lawyers and judges from suburban Rhode Island. Frankgrew up in a poor section of Providence, working at his father ’s jewelry
store to put himself through school. “Our first fight came right after we decided to become engaged,” Della
says. “I wanted my family to be the first to hear the news, and Frank didn’ t
seem to care one way or the other . So we arranged to leave law school over
a long weekend . Everything was packed, and I took out a picture of my
parents to show Frank. He freaked and refused to go.”
“It wasn ’t a picture of her parents to me,” Frank counters. “I saw the
Bentley and the two-story brick  mansion in the background. Della’s father
stood in front like the monarch  of all he surveyed. I thought, Maybe she
doesn’ t need another man to take care of her. The one she’s got looks pretty
awesome.”
In Frank’ s family having a man to provide for you was a natural
expectation for a woman. In Della’ s family there had been several
generations of financially independent women. The rift over “your money”
and “my money” went deep, despite their carefully thoughtout
arrangements over bank accounts. Among all the people who know them, I was one of the saddest to see
these cracks develop. There were others: Frank and Della had their own
strong opinions about politics, to which they clung vociferously , even
combatively . Frank ate meat, Della was a vegetarian. Della wanted to save
money to send their two children to Montessori when they were ready for
school, Frank thought public schools were good enough. Hadn’ t they been
good enough for him? “Lawyers” wasn’ t sufficient to explain what had happened between these
two. It seemed to me that despite their raging differences Della and Frank
shared the same worldview , epitomized in the complaining phrase “What
about me?” They love each other , but love hasn’ t conquered what I call the
return of the ego. Its return hits hard at the root of commitment. Very soon
after the honeymoon, if not on it, two people discover that they are not one. Because this eruption in paradis e inevitably triggers a clash of wills, most
couples have a vivid memory of their first big fight. The immediate cause
of the quarrel is insignificant. What is really at stake is the return of the ego. Complex issues  are involved. There is doubt that the other person is
“right” for you. This doubt isn’t rational most of the time, but reason has a
hard time countering fear—especially when it is becoming clear that yourbeloved cannot always be sensit ive to your needs. For women this time stirs
doubts that they will be cared for and listened to; for men it often arouses
anger over not being supported. These ego reactions are not completely honest, however . The underlying
issues go even deeper: Can I trust you? Will you hurt me for coming close? Why haven’ t you kept me from feeling lonely and afraid? “You’re so
inconsiderate” is code for “Why can’t you help me?” Della and Frank were
stranded at this juncture, which made forward progress in their commitment
to each other impossible. We had a chance to discuss their situation when
they attended a meditation course last spring. “There’ s someth ing I want to suggest,” I told them, “but you’ll think it’s
too outrageous.”
Being as competitive as they are, Della and Frank pricked up their ears,
sensing a challenge. “I propose that each of you takes on a spiritual master ,
a guru,”  I said. “Having a wise teacher would provide you with spiritual
counsel when disputes arise. You could explore why you’re angry and
afraid. Most of all, you’d have a source of compassion and trust, someone
who accepts you at the deepest level.”
Frank’ s doubts came up immediately . “I don’t know , I’m not really that
comfortable with the whole master -disciple thing.”
“I’m not sure it’s right for me either ,” said Della, “but there’ s nothing
outrageous about what you’re suggesting. Who would be our guru?”
“Each other ,” I said. The atmos phere in the room instantly crackled. My
proposal was considered outrage ous, just as I’d expected. “It’s an option,” I
pointed out, “and if you think about it, you’re both eminently qualified. You
love each other , and who know s your weaknesses as well as each other? The possibilities for compassion are endless.”
Frank gave a nervous laugh; Della looked away . “I’m not making light of
the distress in your present relationship,” I said more seriously . “You both
feel unappreciated and pin your grievances on each other , which makes it
extremely difficult to move psychologically into a freer space. You’ve
become trapped by your reflexive reactions to each other . Your anger has
become ritualized, yet stubbo rnness makes you cling to your self-
righteousness even when you’re sick of it. “Now consider , is it really the other person who has forced you to be this
way? You’ve both framed this marriage as a contest, a competition,sometimes a war. I sense a level  of mutual enjoyment in this combat, but at
the same time it’s become totally self-defeating. Winning your little daily
battles or even the whole war isn’t going to bring you love and acceptance. Mature love can’t grow in that kind of framework. It can grow only if you
can find a way to frame your marriage differently . Let your spouse be your
teacher .”
“We want to love each other ,” Della protested. “I mean, we do, but we
don’t always know how to show it.”
“I don’t know how you define love,” I replied. “But isn’t it synonymous
with things like acceptance, appreciation, and allowing? Loving someone
means not resisting his or her will, which is one of the first things you could
teach each other .”
I explained the ancient concept of Upaguru , a Sans krit word that can be
translated as “the teacher who is close by.” Unlike the guru, who is an
enlightened sage, anyone can serve as your upaguru—it is only necessary to
realize that each person can offer us, at any given moment, exactly what
spirit wants us to learn. When the moment is gone and the insig ht revealed,
the upaguru returns to being friend, spouse, or stranger . Frank was suspicious. “You’re saying I should do whatever she wants,
without question? I mean, is this about total obedience?”
“Don’ t worry, Frank,” Della interjected sharply . “You’d have to listen to
what somebody says before you could obey it.”
I assured  them I wasn’ t talking about obeying another person’ s will. “A
master acts out of love,” I pointed out, “but it has a different flavor from the
love most of us have experienced. A master doesn’ t recognize a gap
between ‘me’ and ‘you.’ Filling in that gap is what he can do, because in
reality there is no gap. The distance is just an appearance, all the more
destructive when people believe in it as hard as you two do.”
Delia and Frank are much more complete people than I have portrayed,
and what I was saying rang true with their own experience. This was a
marriage that had once contained a good deal of awareness and real
commitment to learn from each other . Both partners sincerely believed in
equality and fairness. Frank had seen his passive mother turn into “the
house slave,” as he bitterly called her; he had felt unprotected from a father
who could be tender one moment and highly confrontational the next. He
was therefore very happy to have a strong woman in his life.Della also had some strong images from her past to work through: two
professional, liberal parents had devoted themselves to so many good
causes that she had spent many nights at home alone, wondering why she
wasn’ t good enough to deserve their attention. Being paid atten tion to was
extremely important to her now, but she was also aware that intimacy
triggered her old emotional wounds. Della and Frank both knew these
things about each other; they had begun on a level of honesty that made
their marriage much more than a stereotype of legal eagles whose mutual
egotism makes it impossible to get along. In the end they didn’ t agree to my “outrageous” proposition, but they did
promise to keep it in mind. I suggested that before taking the risk of treating
each other as their spiritual masters, it would be a good idea to act out their
new roles mentally . They wanted me to clarify what I meant. “Whenever you feel yourself having a reaction of judgment, rejection, or
resistance, imagine the opposite ,” I said. “Instead of seeing an adversary ,
view your partne r as totally on your side. Don’ t focus on what he or she has
done to irritate you; reframe it as an act of pure love, brought into being to
teach you the perfect lesson you need to learn at just that moment. This isn’ t
a mind game or a trick: at the level of spirit your beloved acts only from
love, holding your highest good at heart.”
“Intriguing notion,” Frank said guardedly . Della bit her lip, considering
the possibility that there might really be a way out. “Resistance is like a wall holding back the flow of love,” I said. “Love is
the wave that brings forgiveness , kindness, and trust from the level of spirit. You can’t create these things. You can only tune in to them, which is why
you need to remake your daily battles into opportunities for spirit. Every
sliver of time opens onto the timeless. Can you allow yourself to slip
through? “First and foremost, this is about seeing each other in a new light. I’m not
asking you to be at each other ’s beck and call, or to give up your own
needs. Needs don’t just go away. On the other hand, projectio ns of blame
should go away; there isn’t any reason, except in your perception, to make
each other feel wrong.”
“Sounds good, but what do we do?” asked Della. “You stop feeding the monster ,” I said. “This inner being who keeps
screaming, ‘What about me?’ is a kind of monster , a distorted outgrowth ofyour ego.” I had the couple shut their eyes and imagine this monster in
detail. It was ugly, covered with reptilian scales, and hard as a stone; it had
a horn on its back, which I called the bone of contention. It wore a
permanent expre ssion of contempt, and the only word it had managed to
learn was “No!” uttered in a loud, menacing voice. “The name of this beast is resistance,” I said. “Now think of a recent
situation where you absolutely didn’ t want to go along with your spouse’ s
will. See this monster coming forward to defend you by putting up a wall of
denial, a thousa nd reasons why you are right and your partner wrong, a
ferocious displa y of withering disapproval. How do you feel when that
happens?”
“Hard. Angry . Furious,” Frank said. “Insecure. Empty . Alone,” said Della. I pointed out that both were layers of the same response. On the surface
the monster of resistance expre sses anger and hardness, but this is only to
protect the insecurity and loneliness lurking underneath. If you peel away
the layers, you find that resistance is actually born of fear, and fear comes
from having been deeply hurt in the past. “Now ask your monster to unzip  its frightening costume and reveal itself
as it really is. What do you see?” I asked. Frank said nothi ng, shifting
uneasily in his chair . After a moment Della answered. “I see a little girl. She
hasn’ t got any clothes on; she looks scared.”
“Is she saying anything to you?” I asked. “I’m not sure,” Della faltered. “Is she holding her arms in any special way?” I prompted. “She’ s holding them out to me. She wants to be picked up,” Della said
softly , her emotion rising. “She wants you to love her , doesn’ t she?” I asked. Della nodded. I turned to Frank. “What about you?”
He hesit ated before saying in a husky voice, “I basically see the same
thing, but it’ s harder for me to talk about it.”
I asked them to open their eyes. “Once you get past the fearsome exterior ,
all inner  monsters are weak, frightened, and alone. You long ago rejected
this part of yourself, therefore it appears to you as a child of your own
making that wants to be back with you. Now ask yourself, why did it turn
into a monster?”“A good of fense is the best defense,” Frank said. “Exactly . If you feel weak and frightened, the last thing you want is for
someone else to see you that way. So you put on a mask. In this case the
mask is a word— no—that disguises how very much you want to be loved
and understood. In disguised form this no is saying, ‘Love me.’ Which is
why you both resist each other so ferociously , I think. You aim your offense
against the person you really hope will love you.”
They were both very quiet by now. The exercise with the inner monster
had show n Della and Frank a lot more than they had bargained for. “I don’t
want you to make peace here and now,” I said. “This isn’t about wiping
years of grievances off the boards with one sweep. But I’d like you to think
back to the time before this all started. You are in love, excited to be with
each other. The only thing you can think about is the next time you’ll be
together . Keep yourself in that space and tell me, did you experience
resistance back then?”
They shook their heads, neither saying a word. “Can each of you give me an example of an action that proved to you that
the other loved you?” I asked. Della volunteered first. “We weren’ t engaged yet, and Frank had taken a
long flight home from Europe. He had bought the tickets before meeting
me, and by the time of his departure he didn’ t really want to go. But the
tickets cost a lot of money , and he left. We couldn’ t wait to get back
together , and the instant he got off the plane in New York, I was bubbling
over with things I wanted to do—go to the theater , eat at ‘our’ restaurant,
things I’d stored up for his return. “It didn’t even occur to me that he was exhausted because he looked so
happy to see me again. So we got in a cab and went straight to a matinee I’d
really been dying to see. Halfw ay through, holding his hand in the dark, I
heard a raspy , buzzing noise—h e was snoring, totally passed out in his seat. And I realized that he’d come out for me, not caring how exhausted he was,
not caring about anything else.”
“And what did you do?” I asked. “The instant I could, I dragged him back to our hotel,” Della said,
smiling. “He fell on the bed with his clothes on and slept for ten hours
straight.”“What you’ve just described is surrender ,” I said. “Frank set aside his
immediate needs because he wanted you to have your desire come true.”
“But Della did the same for me when she dragged me back to our hotel,”
Frank pointed out. “She had been waiting to see that show for months, and
the tickets were a lot more expensive than she could af ford.”
“How did it feel to do those things? Were you put out? Did you hold it
against the other person?” I asked. They both shook their heads. “As
insignificant as this incident might sound to an outsider ,” I said, “you were
bringing a message to each other that said, ‘You are not alone.’ These are
words from spirit. As long as the impulse of love is there, you’ll want to
deliver the message. It W as there then, and I don’ t think it’ s gone away .”
“No,” Frank said. “But things change.”
“Certainly . Bein g married is very different from courtship,” I agreed. “Yet memory has reminded you of some important things here, primarily
that giving in to someone you love isn’t a defeat. It’s a joy, bringing much
more to you than you are ever asked to give up.”
The atmosphere in the room was no longer charged. Della and Frank had
thoughtful looks in their eyes when they left. They promised to reflect on
our talk and get back to me when their calendars weren’ t so jammed. Lawyers. But all of us sensed that the necessary breakthrough had been
made. OceanofPDF .com5
IS ATTACHMENT REALLY LOVE? THE PATH TO love doesn’ t end with surrend er, although in a way there is
nothing more to do. The process  of letting go is all that spirit needs in order
to enter your life. The rest is a ripening of the union between self and Self. There is, howev er, still the enorm ous issue of how two people can surrender
to each other completely . No matter how much love you begin to feel
within, you must still reflect it to your beloved. Two spiritual people living
together don’t automatically make a spiritual relationship. Therefore we
want to ask in practical terms how love increases between two souls. The
ego is not easily defeated in its preoccupation with everything but love. Surrender is not achieved until you surr ender completely to your beloved. T o accomplish this you
must r elinquish everything that deprives you of love and nurtur e everything that comes fr om
love. One way that people deprive themselves of love is especially confusing
because it seems to be a way to increase it: this is attachment. In its mildest
form attachment is the desire to be with someone special. A baby attached
to its mother won’ t accept other women as substitutes; a twelve-year -old
girl selects a best friend from the girls she knows. Even in these preadult
forms attachme nt has two sides—it both includes and excludes. Adult
relationships carry attachment to a deeper level, but the exclusivity remains. The wedding vow to “forsake all others” implies not just fidelity but a life
to be shared by two alone. Isn’t it love when you share your world with someone else? Shouldn’ t
intimate relatio nships be exclusive in just this way? The answer issurprising, for if you look deepe r you will see that love and attachment are
not the same thing. Love allows your beloved the fr eedom to be unlike you . Attachment
asks for conformity to your needs and desires. Love imposes no demands . Attachment expresses an overwhelming
demand—“Make me feel whole.”
Love expands beyond the limits of two people . Attachment tries to
exclude everything but two people. Most of us would not automatically make these distinctions, because
attachment is something we need. But a relationship based upon need is
really just expan ded ego. Being able to fuse your ego with someone else’s
brings a sense of security; it justifies being selfish because the selfishness is
shared. “We” have our ways of doing things, our likes and dislikes, our
sense of being set apart from others. At its most extreme there is a kind of
mutual madness —folie à deux—in which two people try to possess each
other body and soul. A wild love affair is the closest most people come to
this extreme. In ordinary relationships attachment seems normal. The seduction of attachment is that it bestows a sense of security through
insulation from the outside world. The pet names no one else hears, the
private language and rituals, the attitudes so deeply ingrained that they are
never even referred to: these things make people feel safe because they
make “we two” a tight, enclosed world. Yet attachment has a deeper spiritual meaning. It represents an attempt to
reach unity by merging with another soul. Although it may not be
completely conscious, at some level you realize that you have been living in
separation from God, a condition  that is full of anxiety and insec urity. There
is a part of you that sees itself as fragmented from the whole. I know a man who was happily married for sixteen years. One morning
he notic ed a moving van outsid e his front door. He asked his wife why it
was there, and she said, “I’m leaving, and my lawyer says I can take half of
everything. Decide now what you want to keep.”
This brutal good-bye came as a shock to my friend (in retro spect, he
admitted that communication with his wife had been nil for the past few
years, so if she had grievances there had been little opportunity for talkingabout them). He had no choice but to submit to his wife’ s departure, and in
an instant his attachment to her turned to pain, conjuring up sexual jealousy
(he suspected that another man was in the picture—wrongly , as it turned
out), betrayal, suspicion, and distrust. This pain grows out of the state of
separation; it is not created by what another person does to us. In a state of
unity , the Self would provide unconditional love, which means that no
betrayal or abandonment could harm us. When you are in union no one can
really leave you. But the “normal ” state of life, as normal is defined in our culture, is not
to be in unity . Even so, it is natural for you to seek to be whole again, to
heal separation by fusing yourself with another person—this underlying
drive makes relationship extremely powerful. If attachment worked, people would become whole just by marr ying. But
this doesn’ t happen. Marriage can make you feel whole. It can bring more
security at certain levels. (This is particularly true for men, who often think
of them selves as the stronger sex. Sociological studies have shown,
however , that widowers fare worse alone than widows, that single female
graduate studen ts are more likely to finish their degrees than single male
students, and that in general women manage solitude better than men.) Yet
the possibilities  for unity are not increased. On the contrary , it is very
common for two people to feel that marriage has brought them a double
burden of cares rather than twice the chance to find freedom. The question, then, is how to preserve the devotion and faithf ulness of
marriage without giving in to neediness and attachment. What is required is
a state called nonattachment. The word sounds like a synonym for
detachment, implying indifferen ce, but nonattachment is actually a state of
freedom that preserves and even increases your love for another . Detachment is achieved by not caring; nonattachment is achieved by
allowing, which  shows tremendous care. Therefore the insights that apply
to nonattachment carry us deeper into the spiritual importance of letting go. Attachment is a form of dependency based on ego; love is nonattachment based on spirit. The mor e nonattached you ar e, the mor e you can truly love. Action that does not bind comes dir ectly fr om love; all other action comes indir ectly fr om the past.Struggling with karma will not fr ee you fr om its binding influence. Fr eedom can only be achieved
by remembering who you r eally ar e.
Who you r eally ar e is unbounded spirit, beyond the r each of karma. SPIRITUAL  ATTACHMENT OR  KARMA
The spiritual equivalent of attachment is called bondage. Bondage  is
whatever ties you to the illusion of separation; without it, you would
automatically see yourself in unity . The root of bondage is Karma , which in
Sanskrit simply means “action.” Any action in creation—from nature’ s
actions, such as rainfall or the rotation of the earth on its axis, to the highly
personal actions of human beings dealing with their complex lives—comes
under the heading of karma. Karma forms an endless chain of cause and effect, action and reaction. You cannot fall in love at first sight—or fall in loathing—without rejoining
a karmic dance whose steps began deep in the past. The fact that you cannot
remember this past does not wipe out karmic memory . An example will
help here: if I fall in love with you and you spurn me, my longing doesn’ t
just go away . I still feel a karmic  bond, despite your rejection, and until you
respond or I work through my emotion of unrequited love, karma will bind
us together . Anyone I love in the future will be filtered through the
impression you made upon me; therefore my old karma blocks the entry of
any fresh flow of love. When I am touched by love, karma collected over every stage of my life
is influenced simultaneously . The child’ s longing to be protected, the
adolescent’ s confused longing, the adult’ s mature desire—all are stirred. The wounds of not being loved in the past reach out to be healed, and the
heart’ s tender hopes flow again. Karma thus has a double effect: it ties us to old desires and future ones at
the same time. This isn’t just a theoretical statement. Million s of people
struggle with their karma to no avail. A relationship filled with frustration
and pain cannot be solved by manipulating your emotions , trying to
maintain a show of love on the surface, denying that you feel trapped, or
running away . Attachment, born of karma, will follow you no matter how
far you go.Karma has been mistakenly interpreted as fatalism. If you are fatalistic
you believe that no action you take will make a difference. Karma implies
exactly the opposite. It is a critical part of the theory of karma that “as you
sow, so shall you reap.” When Christ delivered this teaching, he was stating
the versi on of karma that most people in our culture have heard of. Sowing
and reaping are metaphors for cause and effect; the teach ing is that
whatever you put into the universe, the result will be commensurate. If you
give away money , money will return. If you give away love, love will
return. The universe, under God’ s grace, is seen as a place where no debt
goes unpaid. Because it stretches over many lifetimes, the karmic balance
sheet isn’t worked out from day to day. It is perfectly possible in the short
term, as we all know , to give away money and get nothing in return, or to
deeply love another and be rejected. How , then, is the concep t of karma
useful in everyday life? The doctrine of “as you sow, so shall you reap” requires proof that the
universe weighs  human action and metes out justice. Can this be possible
when obviously evil people are rewarded while good often goes
unrewarded? I recently read about the death of a Chicago mob boss, the
capo of a major Mafia family , who died peacefully in his sleep, having
escaped prison despite numerous attempts, over five decades, to bring him
to justice. Every prosecution against him had resulted in a hung jury or an
acquittal; he had prospered mightily since the days of Al Capone and held
sway over gambling, liquor , and prostitution rings well into his eighties
while miraculously suffering no harm at the hands of his rivals. Looking at
his life, I would  be justified in feeling that a very bad person had gotten
away with everything. How would the theory of karma justify thinking
otherwise? The proof of karma doesn’ t lie in rewards and punishments
handed out by a cosmic judge. When people casually refer to “good karma”
or “bad karma,” they are confus ing karma with reward and punishment, but
the working of karma is much more profound. Spirit would not be love if there was such a thing as good and bad karma,
because they apply only to the condition of separation. Spirit is not in
separation, and neither is God. The divine never punishes, for what would it
be punishing but itself? Nothing else exists. In our perception a Mafia capo
is a bad man; in divine perception he is equal with a saint.Our karm a throws us into the roles of saint and sinner , man and woman,
king and peasan t, but these roles are temporary and shifting. None of them
is really us. Spirit uses these roles the way a dramatist uses actors. As
convincingly as someone might play Hamlet, we don’t believe that he is
killed in the fifth act with a poisoned sword. Separating the role from the
reality is more difficult with our own roles in life. But the saint is just the
sinner in another guise, and the sinner only has to wait to assume the saint’ s
robes. Why do we play these roles? For experience, for growth, to find our
way back to God. Ultimately , all karma serves only two purposes: either it
is a sign of love from spirit or it is a lesson meant in love. In the Vedic scriptures the word most often applied to karma is
“unfathomable.” Only if you understood every action in your life, no matter
how minute, could you clear away all karmic debts. This isn’t a fatalistic
statement; it merely points to the real source of freedom, which is within. The pleasure of any outward attachment—to money , power , work, or
another person— can change to pain without warning. In spiritual terms
pleasure and pain are both binding; the potential for any action to bring
about suffering is why the ancie nt sages first wanted to break free from the
whole cycle of karma. Lord Krishna in the Bhagavad-Gita  declares that
anyone who lives for the outcome of action  is “pitiful,” doomed to suffer
from the “bonds of birth” and the “fear born of duality .” Karma is a wheel,
carrying us from goodness to evil, ignorance to understanding, pain to bliss,
over and over again. In our culture, where the theory of karma is not widely accepte d even in
its Christian version, the existence of spiritual balance is rarely grasped. You have to make a bargain with yourself to believe that mercy , grace, and
divine love can be experienced before you will perceive them. For anyone
on the spiritual path there is tremendous reward in finding that the promise
of etern al joy, peace, knowledge, and creativity is true. The truth isn’t
revealed all at once, but a day doesn’ t go by that one’s faith that love is a
real power isn’t reinforced. If you live according to the assumption that
there is a Way, the Way will be opened. This is what Christ meant when he
said, “Ask, and it shall be given you; . . . knock, and the door shall be
opened unto you.”
Karma can never be simply a system of r ewar d and punishment, since it is the way to love.Seen in its most profound depths, the path to love is the same for both
saint and sinner , since both must strip away any belief in the roles they are
temporarily playing. There is a famous mystical Christian text, The Cloud
of Unknowing , which dates from the fourteenth century . Its writer , who
remains anonym ous, says that loving God can never be loving anything you
can know or even locate. Love in the spiritual sense involves letting go of
all that is known:
Let go of this everywhere and this some thing, in exchange for this nowhere and this
nothing. Do not worry  if your senses cannot understand this nothing, for this is why I love it
the better. . . . Who is it that calls it nothing? Surely it is our outer man and not our inner
man. Our inner man calls it All. This anonymou s mystic has touched upon the profound truth that the
thinking mind, immersed in “something” and searching “everywhere,”
cannot reach the divine. God is beyond karma, and therefore so is spirit,
since God is nothing but spirit on an all-embracing scale. The “outer man”
perceives the world very differently from the “inner man.” If I ask, “Who
am I?” one sort of answer involv es nothing but externals: I am a man, forty-
nine years old, born in India, who has practiced medicine in America, who
is married with two children, and so on. These are all karmic qualities, the
results of specific events or actions that pertain to me. They give me labels
that I can identify with. Yet in some other , more profound way these qualities, even if you added
thousands more to the list, do not define me at all. Nothing anyone can
attach to me is actually me, not the me defined as inner essence, free will,
silent awareness, infinite potential, unbounded spirit. That me, the “inner
man,” stands outside bondage. It can be “felt rather than seen,” says our
medieval mystic, and is best described as a “cloud of unkno wing.” This
cloud is like a luminous glow in the heart, out of which a sense of the divine
emanates, yet in no way could the five senses capture it or the rational,
linear , cause-and-ef fect mind know it. ALLOWING AND  CONTROL
If the theory of karma is valid, then nonattachment is the trues t expression
of love. I realize that this is very abstract. We can, however , restate things interms of everyday behavior and in the process bring the abstrac tions down
to earth. We all want to be allowed to do what we want; a rebellious
impulse rises in our hearts whenever someone tries to control us. These two
words, contr ol and allowing , are synonyms for attachment and
nonattachment. If you allow , you let others go in love; if you control, you
attach them instead to your own way of doing things, your own beliefs and
expectations. The issue at stake is psychologically very immediate, and it
figures into almost every relationship one way or another . When one person is trying to control another in a relationship, he usually
doesn’ t admit what is going on. Instead, his motivations are made to look
like love. Isn’t it loving to protect your partner , look out for her interests,
oversee her wants and desires? For many people this passes  as genuine
love. One example is a relationship in which the man insists on keeping all
knowledge about finances away from the woman. She is not allowed to see
the checkbook; the man’ s exact  income is kept vague; any attempt to earn
her own money is rejected or argued out of existence. Althoug h this was a
common arrangement in the past, women’ s self-respect has risen to the
point that any man who attempts to impose financial impotenc e is making
his intentions abundandy clear: he wants to control her . The root of this kind of mascu line control appears to be a belief that
women are too childish, irratio nal, or superficial to handle money . (Of
course, sociologists have long ago dismissed such beliefs by showing that
women, if anything, have a more conservative and sober approach to
finances than men. No woma n has ever sunk a savings and loan or
bankrupted a national treasury .) But this attempt to focus on the woman’ s
shortcomings hides the man’ s deeper motive, which is his own anxiety that
without total financial control he cannot survive. There is almost always
another wrinkle, too, that without control of the purse strings he cannot hold
a woman’ s love, for controlling people deeply fear abandonment. Imagine that such a man is told he has to surrender control by divulging
all his financial secrets to his wife, and in addition that she must share in
spending his money , taking a portion of it as her own, free and clear ,
without his approval over what she does with it. This would be the most
direct way to confront his anxiety; it would expose the lack of love that hisbehavior is hiding. But imposing such a change wouldn’ t actua lly heal the
fear; that can only happen by a shift in consciousness. Control is the way your ego “solves” the problem of fear. When ever any
of us falls into controlling behavior , one of the following scenarios is at
work in the unconscious:
We are afraid someone will reject us. We are afraid of failing. We are afraid of being wrong. We are afraid of being powerless. We are afraid of being destroyed. None of these fears makes you a bad person, or a weak one. Everyone is
faced with simil ar fears, yet only those people who cannot admi t the threats
hiding inside cope with them by resorting to control. A controlling person appears to be free from fear; that is the facade that
control presents to the world. We put a high social value on seeming to be
in control of our lives, which further promotes the ego’s belief that its
controlling behavior is working . The unfaced problem here is that control
never actually solves the insecurity that underlies it. On the contrary ,
control increases fear by denying that it exists. What behaviors am I talking about? In clinical psychology many kinds of
behavior are considered control ling—perfectionism, stubborn clinging to a
point of view , intolerance, looking after others’ needs, being disappointed
when expectations are not met, putting up false expectations,
possessiveness, greed, and the tendency to get angry if opposed or
confronted. This list covers a huge spectrum of behavior that many people
would regard as normal. Examine the following list in light of your own
behavior:
Do you keep secrets from your beloved, especially about money? Do you dominate conversation and expect your point of view to be acknowledged as right? Do you keep a mental list of the times you have been disappointed by someone you love? Do you
hold grudges? When you make a suggestion, are you of fended or put of f if it isn’ t taken? Do you secretly believe
you are still right after people ignore you to do what they want? Have you generally figured out how things really work? Do you not bother to change your beliefs
when you are contradicted or even proven wrong?In the name of love we all resor t to these unloving behaviors at one time
or anoth er. We say, “I love you,” to someone yet secretly keep a tabulation
of his shortcomings. The end of such behavior begins when you see that
control is incompatible with love. “I love you” and “I expect you to behave
my way” come from two totally  separate parts of the psyche—one is of the
spirit, the other of the ego. Protecting some one else appears to be a way of sheltering her inside your
power , but at the same time it prevents her from challenging that power or
asserting any of her own. If this last point doesn’ t seem imme diately true,
think of dictator s, who always start out believing that their seizu re of power
is for the good of the country . The populace then becomes like powerless
children living by the benevolent grace of a political father figure. Yet
however well disposed to people’ s welfare, dictators inevitably live in fear. No one is more  to be feared than a person whose power you have taken
away , even if he or she agrees to it. In order to protect this power , the
dictator is forced to impose harsher and harsher controls, putting more
people in fear of him, until things escalate beyond control, and the people
rebel. Many relationships proceed on the same basis. In the name of love one
person assumes power and the other gives it away . Instead of being drawn
closer , however , the couple discover that they feel increasingly distant, for
the one with the power becomes guilty or domineering, while the one
without power feels resentment and eventually rebels. Control is no solution
to the problem of fear . HOW FEAR IS REALL Y SOLVED
False solutions point toward real problems. Most of us go into relationships
to find security; we want to be with someone who makes us feel safe. Two
people form a better unit of defense against potential hazards and tragedies
than one. But being with anoth er person, even on equal footing, doesn’ t
resolve fear. Spiritually the answer to fear is simple: you are already safe. If
you felt truly safe, fear wouldn’ t arise. From the perspective of spirit all fear
is a projection from the past, and as long as these projections continue, you
will keep generating fearful situations to accommodate them. Whatever you
most fear—abandonment, rejection, failur e, loss, humiliation—has alreadyoccurr ed to you. The threats you perceive around you now, or coming at
you in the future, are the long shadow being cast by your past. The reason romantic love makes you feel so safe is not that another
person is there to guard you but that love is there  to guard you. Most people
feel that love has such power only in early childhood. As infan ts we fused
love with the presence of a loving father and mother . As long as they were
there watching over us, we felt both loved and protected. Once we grew up,
however , we learned that our parents had their own frailties and fears, that
they were not as totally secure  in the world as we thought. This lesson
usually came home in a way that brought some shock and disappointment. The day came when your father couldn’ t keep away a bully because he
wasn’ t there, or when your mother could not take you into her arms to
soothe a hurt. Faced with aloneness, the young child is thrown out of love
and safety at the same time. But that is where a mistake crept in, for the one lesson—pare nts can’t
always protect you—is true, whereas the other—love can’t protect you—is
not.
The_Path_to_Love_by_Deepak_Chopra.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        When you per ceive life thr ough this vision, separation
ends. Following your dharma in the deepest sense means not merely adhering
to rules of righteous conduct or obeying the laws set down by society—
there is no fixed  formula for finding the Way. Being in dharma signifies that
you have set a spiritual goal for yourself and are dedicated to reaching it. As
relationships today struggle to survive, they need a new reason to justify
themselves, which makes this broader meaning of dharma essential. SURRENDER AND  “THE WAY”
When you first think of the word surrender, you probably associate it with
defeat. This is a natural association from the ego’s viewpoint. In any
situation where struggle dominates, no one is acting out of love, and it’s
inevitable that only one side can win. You only have to remember the last
argument you were in to realize  that arriving at a place of mutu al love was
the furthest thing from your mind. But there is another meaning to surrender, as you can remember from the
experience of falling in love. Falling in love allows you to surrender to what
you deeply desire, not what someone else is trying to impose. Imagine a
trivial incident: your mate asks you to help clean up the house when you are
watching TV or reading a book  you don’t want to break away from. How
do you frame this situation. Ego frames it as “You want me to do something I prefer not to do. I’ll
decide whether to give in or not. ” Spirit frames it as “I see that you need
me. ” Notice that the outcome is not what is at stake. Whether or not ego
gives in, it is still framing the incident as a conflict. Its main concern is to
keep power on its side, therefore it must win the conflict. Winning means
either saying no and getting away with it or saying yes and feeling
magnanimous. The aim of both outcomes is to avoid defeat. Spirit has no such ulterior motives. It acknowledges the other person’ s
need, but it neither takes respon sibility for that need nor opposes it. In this
way the other person is seen as real, because whenever you need something,
your need is your reality. The only true need anyone has is to be seen as r eal. A lot of the time we are lost in unreal needs. Your mate could be asking
you to clean house for dozens of reasons. She may be angry or feel upset
that household work is all left to her. She may feel demeaned, ignored,
overwhelmed, anxious, compulsive, controlling—or she may just need help
cleaning the house. The absenc e of ulterior motives is what marks spirit. The neediness of an insecure ego doesn’ t get disguised by other tactics. When you are in spirit you don’t feel the urge to manipulate, cajole, seduce,
demand, beg, or insist. You simply allow, and in that you make an open
space for love to flow. Does this mean  that a “spiritua l” person always gets up from  TV or a
book to clean the house. No. Spirit never acts in a fixed way. In general, to
hear that someo ne you love needs you does result in fulfillin g the need. There are certain  loving instincts that come naturally when you are in touch
with spirit:
You don’ t oppose. You put feelings over results. You want to help. Service gives rise to feelings of joy. You put another ’s wishes on the same plane as your own. These instincts develop and mature through surrender over the years. But
if you go back again to the experience of falling in love, you will see that
these aren’ t learned responses. Love already contains them. Love
automatically means release from ego conflict and struggle. A single
experience of falling in love isn’t a complete release, since struggle
inevitably return s, but lovers get at least a glimpse of the Way. Whether
they can articulate it or not, this is what they discover:
It takes no ef fort to love. The state of being has its own innate joy. Questions answer themselves if you are aware enough. Life is safe. Flowing with the current of being is the simplest way to live. Resistance never really succeeds. Controlling the flow of life is impossible. These are the realizations that bring a person out of struggle. Struggle is
born of the ego’ s isolation; it ends when you can find the W ay and surrender
to its guiding force. Struggle appears to be against others or against yourself, but in r eality it is always against
dharma. In dharma ther e is no struggle. Since one of man’ s most prized qualities is his ability to strugg le against
adversity, a life of nonstruggle falls far outside our current worldview. Yet
to come from love obviously cannot be a struggle. How are the two
reconciled. The answer lies in free will. Humans can choose  to end the
struggle and come from love—every day this possibility is precisely what
you face in your relationship, for example. Marriage is a testing ground and
a mirror. It tests your willingness to believe in love as the solution. It
mirrors the beliefs you actually operate under, which are either in love or in
non-love. Strugg le and surrender are the two poles of free will. Because all
of us believe in love some of the time but not all, we are fated  to lead our
lives in conflict unless we find a way to resolve this dualism. Hence the
importance of dharma. In the case of animals and plants, dharma operates automatically; there is
no need for self-doubt and questioning, and no chance of straying from thepath. Growth and behavior are both innate. The tiger has no remorse for its
predatory natur e, no empathy for its prey, no ability to change into a
peaceful grazer of grass if it wanted to. If tigers are to evolve into different
kinds of creatures, the move must occur to the whole species by increments
that take thousands of years. In mode rn scientific terminolog y the unfolding of the genetic code that
makes a banyan tree different from a tiger lies at such a deep level within
cellular memory  that, short of dying, nothing a creature does in the way of
behavior can divert its preprog rammed DNA. In spiritual terminology, a
creature’ s dharm a is more powerful than any single individual; it upholds
life on a set path as long as a species is able to find a fit environment for its
survival. Dharma operates for humans too, but in a way that allows for free will. Each of us grows from a single fertilized egg into a matur e person as
dictated by our unique genetic code. Our genes put us on a timetable written
into our cells. Your first set of baby teeth did not stop coming  in because
you found their growth painful and cried; puberty was not hastened or
delayed by your emotional confusion. Yet within this pattern set for our species, you have tremendous freedom
to act, to think, to feel. You make choices that influence your happiness far
beyond your prospects for survival. The fact that we are both determined
and free has been a puzzle for many centuries. The Vedas teach that human
beings are capable of personal  evolution, not just the evolution of the
species. A person who is motivated by anger, selfishness, distrust, and
jealousy always has a choice to evolve and achieve a new level where love,
compassion, forgiveness, and truth replace these lower drive s. In other
words, spirit responds to your vision of it, and the higher your vision, the
more you will evolve. Choosing your own dharma determines completely how happy, successful, and loving you will be
in your lifetime. By the standards of our culture, this is a startling statement, for we
believe in randomness, accident s, and unforeseeable influences. We do not
believe that spirit is constantly responding to our vision. On the path,
however, these random elements are a mask. There are no accide nts in spirit—everything happening around you is a reflection of your current spiritual
state. If your spiritual state is confused, anxious, and doubtful, then there is
limited power of dharma operating in your life. You are detached from the
natural laws that are meant to uphold each person from birth to death. Without dharma  there can be no love, because love is part of dharma’ s
upholding force. A life lived in dharma can partake of love without limits. Dharma is a subtle, flexible, ever-changing guide, always sensitive to the
next step that is meant for you and no one else. The logical question arises, “If there is a universal force that can guide
my life, why don’t I see or feel it already. ” The answer is that spirit is
blocked by the ego’s vision. If you are living a vision of life derived from
your separate, isolated identity— as almost everyone is—then a new vision
cannot compete. Love and ego are incompatible. Surrender must begin on
the smallest, most intimate scale. It starts with you and someone you love,
learning to be together without resistance or fear. When two peop le decide to approach life as a path of evolution, their
relationship is dharmic. You and your beloved are walking a path never
walked in exactl y the same way by anyone else who has ever lived. You do
not take a breath, think a though t, have a wisp of feeling that existed before,
and the intimacy you build together will never be known again. Countless
paths exist—as many as there are people in the world—and yet, like an
invisible guiding  thread, each path must follow the Way of living that leads
to spirit. OceanofPDF. comLOVING  PRACTICE
Letting Go
IN PRACTICAL TERMS  surrender means letting go. Although you don’t realize
it, reality isn’t a given. Each of us inhabits a separate reality. Your mind
maintains your personal versio n of reality by buttressing it with beliefs,
expectations, and interpretations. Your mind blocks the free flow of the life
force by saying, “This is how things must and should be. ” Letting go
releases you from this insistent  grip, and when you let go, new forms of
reality can enter. You only have to take a ride on a roller coaster to see who gets more
enjoyment out of the experience, those who clutch tight with white
knuckles and clenched jaws or those who let go and allow them selves to be
carried up and down without resistance. Letting go is a process. You have to know when to apply it, what to let go
of, and how to let go. Your mind is not going to show you any of these
things; worse still, your ego is going to try to prevent you from making
progress, since it believes that you have to hold on in order to survive. Your
only ally in letting go is spirit, which sees reality as a whole and therefore
has no need to create partial realities based on limitation. Releasing yourself
into spirit is the purpose of the following exercises. The whole path to love could be described as learning to let go, but
letting go all at once isn’t possi ble. This is a path of many small steps. At
any given moment the steps are basically the same: awareness begins to
substitute for reactions. A reacti on is automatic; it draws upon fixed beliefs
and expectation s, images of past pain and pleasure residing in memory,
waiting to guide you in future situations. If you were bitten by a big dog as
a child, seeing a big dog today will make you draw away. Mem ory has told
you, in a fraction of a second, that your reaction to big dogs should be fear. Overcoming this or any reaction requires an act of awareness. Awareness
doesn’ t resist the imprint of memory. It goes into it and questio ns whether
you need it now. In the face of a big dog, awareness tells you that you aren’ t
a small child anymore and that not all big dogs bite. Being aware of this,
you can ask if you need to hold on to fear. Whether you wind up petting the
dog, ignoring it, or withdrawing is now a matter of choice. Reactions result
in a closed set of options; awareness results in an open set of options. Every time you ar e tempted to r eact in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the
past or a pioneer of the futur e. The past is closed and limited; the futur e is open and fr ee. Because the mind holds on with an endless set of expectations, beliefs,
and images, you could practice letting go every moment of your life. This is
not feasible, yet strong signals will tell you when letting go is appropriate. Knowing when to let go is obvious, once you have awareness. When to let go. The crucial times to let go are when you feel the strongest urge not to. We all hold on tightest when our fear, anger, pride, and distrust take over. Yet these forces have no spiritual validity. At those moments when you are
most afraid, angry, stubborn, or mistrustful, you are in the grip of unreality. Your ego is forcing you to react from the past, blinding you to new
possibilities here and now. A mind that is desperately holding on says things like
I hate this. It has to end. I can’ t stand it anymore. If this keeps up I’ll die. I can’ t go on. There’ s nothing left. I have no choice. It has to be my way or else. You’re all wrong. None of you understands me. You always treat me this way. Why do you always have to do this. There are infinite variations on these statements, but the underlying feelings
are remarkably similar. You feel you can’t cope anymore. You feel boxed
in. You feel you won’ t survive. You feel that something bad always happens
to you. These feelings give rise to the rigid, contracted state of resistance,
disallowing the reality that good things can happen at any time. Spirit has a good outcome for any situation, if you can open yourself to
it. A key word to holding on is always. As soon as your mind tells you that
something alway s happens, you are in the grip of a false belief. “Always” is
never true; realit y isn’t a vast, fixed scheme trapping you withou t choice. At
any mom ent you have the choice to break out of what is really trapping you
—your automatic reactions dredged up from the past. What to let go of. If the right time to let go is when you don’t want to, the thing to let go of
is the thing you feel you must hold on to. Fear, anger, stubbo rnness, and
distrust portray themselves as your rescuers. Actually these energies only
make you more closed off. Tell yourself: Nobody ever solved a situation by
panicking; no one ever solved a situation by refusing to hear new answers;
no one ever solved a situation by shutting down. In your calmer moments you know this, but the mind goes on clinging to
the unreal out of habit and inertia. Panicky people tend to act that way
because it is familiar; the same is true for angry and stubborn people. It is
helpful to challenge familiar reactions by stating that you no longer believe
in them. Here are a few examples of what I mean:
Instead of saying, “I have to have my way,” say to yourself, “I don’ t know everything. I can accept
an outcome I don’ t see right now. ”
Instead of saying, “I can’ t stand this,” say to yourself, “I’ve survived things like this before. ”
Instead of saying, “I’m incredibly afraid,” say to yourself, “Fear isn’ t me. Being more afraid
doesn’ t make it any more real. ” (This technique is also applicable to feelings of overwhelming
anger, distrust, rejection, anxiety, and so forth. ) Instead of saying, “Y ou’re all wrong, no one understands me,” say to yourself, “There’ s more to
this situation than any single person knows. ”
The general formula here is that whenever you react with “X has to be
this way or else,” you bring awareness in and say, “X doesn’ t have to be
any way except what it is. ”
How to let go. In overwhelmin gly emotional or difficult situations, no one lets go. You
are not superhuman; when anger, fear, doubt, and stubbornness are so
powerful that you have no choic e but to give in to them, realize that you are
having an extreme reaction. Say to yourself, “I’m really holding on, but thisexperience isn’t me. It’s just an experience that’s going to pass, and when it
does I’ll let it go. ” Even in the most extreme situations, you can be willing
to let go, which is a big step in itself. Most of the time, though, you are not under extreme duress, and the
process of letting go can begin. Since letting go is a deeply personal choice,
you are going to have to be your own teacher. The process takes place on
every level—physical, mental, and emotional—where energy can be stuck
or held, and no two people have exactly the same issues. You may feel
comfortable with a lot more physical release than I do; I may feel
comfortable with a lot more emotional release than you do. Finding the
right personal balance is important. Letting go physically. Letting go physi cally is a matter  of stress release. Under stress your body
tenses and contracts; breathing gets ragged and shallow; hormonal balances
switch from their normal levels to the hypervigilant state of fight or flight. You cannot cope with all of this at once. In the overall plan taking part in a
stress management program is a long-term commitment you should make,
whether through  meditation, yoga, or countless other options. Stress is
ongoing; therefore reducing stress also needs to be ongoing. In the short run letting go of stress involves relaxing. Take deep,
measured breaths, letting the breath go free on the exhale. Lie down if you
can and allow release to take place for as long as it needs to. Signs of good
release are yawning, sighing, silent sobs, coughing, sneezing, and feeling
sleepy. Let your body do any or all of these things. Other means of physical release besides breathing include laughing,
screaming, shouting, taking a walk, swimming, taking a long bath, dancing,
and doing aerobics. Shaking out the stress does in fact work, at least
partially. The intention here is to let your body release what it wants to. Your body doesn’t like holding on to stress; it does so essentially at the
urging of the mind. T aking your mind of f the situation and letting your body
release its excess ener gies is a valuable step. Under really extreme stress, walk away from the situation—tell anyone
else who is involved that you need to be alone for a while to get your
bearings. Offer reassurance that you will be back, and even if the otherperson puts pressure on you to stay, give yourself permission to do what
you need to do for your own well-being. Letting go mentally. I have already said a great deal about how the mind holds on through
beliefs, expectations, and interpretations. It takes a lifetime to build up these
conditioned responses, but dismantling them occurs moment by moment. The present is the right time to begin. When you find yourself in a situation
in which you are certain of disaster, loss, hurt, or any other negative
outcome, use the following formulas, as appropriate:
This is just an experience. I’m here on earth to have experiences. Nothing is wrong. My higher Self knows what is going on. This situation is for my benefit, even if I can’ t see that
now. My fears may come true, but the outcome will not destroy me. It may even be good. I’ll wait and
see. I’m having a strong reaction now, but it isn’ t the real me. It will pass. Whatever I’m afraid of losing is meant to go. I will be better of f when new ener gies come in. Whatever fear says, nothing can destroy me. When people fall they don’ t break, they bounce. Change is inevitable. Resisting change doesn’ t work. There is something here for me, if I have the awareness to find it. The things I fear the most have already happened. I don’ t want to hold on anymore. My purpose is to let go and welcome what is to come. Life is on my side. I am loved; therefore I am safe. These aren’ t just formulations, they are new beliefs that, when sincerely
held, call in spirit to aid you. To build a new reality you need new mental
structures. The situations that your ego resists with all its might are
precisely the ones that should be embraced, because from the spiritual
perspective anything that dismantles your limiting mental constructs is
beneficial. You have to break down the known to enable the unknown to
enter. Letting go emotionally. Emotions are more stubborn than thoughts. The glue that holds  you fast
to your old belie fs and expectations is emotion. Whenever you tell yourself
that you can’t let go, you are making an emotional statement. In reality you
can let go of any situation any time. “I can’t” really means, “I fear the
emotional conse quences if I do. ” Your ego draws a line in the sand andinsists that you will not survive the inner feelings that will arise if the line is
crossed. A powerful limitation is being self-imposed here, and at botto m it isn’t
true. Y ou will survive  any emotion; indeed, whatever you consider to be too
much fear, too much loss, too much humiliation, too much disapproval, too
much rejection has already happened. You have crossed the line many
times, otherwise you wouldn’ t know where to draw it. What your ego is
really saying is that you can’t cross the line again. From spirit’ s point of
view, however, you don’ t have to. There is a law in the unconsci ous that whatever you avoid will come
back, and the more you avoid it, the stronger its return. People who swear
that they will never be that afraid again, that angry, that devasta ted are only
setting themselv es up for the return of fear, anger, and devastation. The
refusal to face this fact creates much unnecessary misery. Instead of r esisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it, and see
through your r esistance. Painful emotion s don’t come back for external reasons. They return because
they are part of you; you creat ed them before pushing them away. Every
emotion you experience is yours. We all make the mistake of believing that something “out there” makes
us afraid, angry, depressed, anxious, and so on. In truth events “out there”
are only triggers. The cause of every emotion is “in here,” which means that
inner work can heal it. Deciding to do the inner work is the first and most important step. Even
after years of emotional healing, there will be moments when you are
certain that someone else is responsible for making you feel a certain way. Dedication to inner work means  refusing to accept this perspect ive ever, no
matter how often it returns. Spiritually, you are the creator of your reality. You are the interpreter, the seer, the decision-maker, the chooser. When you
find yourself dominated by a negative emotion, try to release it physically
first, since bodily ef fects are half or more of what you’re feeling. Having done that, use the following formulas to reframe your emotion, as
they apply:Instead of telling yourself that your emotion is bad, ask it what it has
to tell you. Every emotion exists for a reason, and the reason is always
to help you. Emotions are here to serve. Instead of pushing an emotion away, tell it you want to have a closer
look. Ask it to reveal itself from behind its mask. V ery often you will
find that emotions are layered. Anger masks fear; fear masks hurt. Getting past an emotion means getting through its layers to the root. If a feeling is overwhelming, say to yourself, “I want to ride this out
first befor e I look at it. ”  Realize that the overwhelming feeling isn’ t
the real you; it’ s something you’re going through. If you r ecognize that certain situations always bring the same r eaction,
ask what you need to learn in or der for that r eaction to change. Repetition is like a knock on the door—it stops when you open the
door and greet what’ s on the other side. Whenever you find yourself drawing a line in the sand, stop doing it. Resisting only makes things worse. Let the emotion rise. Release it by
crying, screaming, losing your temper, shaking with fear—whatever it
takes. Emotions come and go. Realize that each one has a rhythm, and
allow yourself to be in that rhythm. The best way not to drown is to
ride the wave. As you begin to master the art of letting go, with patience, dedication, and
love, your reality will change. It has no choice. Things “out there” are
always mirrors of what’ s going on “in here. ” In the process of letting go you
will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself. It will not be
a self made of beliefs, expectations, and interpretations, for these things
come and go. It will be a permanent Self, rooted in awareness and
creativity. Once you have captured this, you have captured the world.
Following your dharma means setting a spiritual goal for yourself and being dedicated to reaching it.
What does it mean to follow your dharma?
The ego frames a situation as a conflict, while the spirit sees it as an opportunity to help and serve.
What is the difference between the ego's and the spirit's perspective on a situation?
The key is to recognize that you are the creator of your reality and to make choices that align with your spiritual vision.
What is the key to making a choice to evolve and grow spiritually?
Surrender in relationships means letting go of ego's need to control and instead choosing to serve and love.
What is the concept of "surrender" in the context of relationships?
Love is about allowing and accepting, while attachment is about controlling and possessing.
What is the difference between love and attachment?