His advice is central to this book.When you shift your attention back to your point of view , you
are in a stronger position to weather the storms of unfair
criticisms that can sometimes follow growth. If you are
clearsighted, you will be in a better position to continue to insist
on what you need, in spite of the lack of support.7
Standing Up Against Secondary Abuse
Intervening against narcissistic and emotional abuse is critical. We must
stand up for ourselves and for those who have been abused. We must
encourage those  who have been abused to cultivate a powerf ul voice, to
speak against those who would dismiss their pain. Furthermore, we must never participate in gossip and triangulation. We
can’t allow ourselves to entertain gossip that is hurtful to the innocent
victim. Unfortunately , when it comes to secondary abuse, there are many who
don’t “get it.” They don’t understand how tired and weary you feel and how
betrayal only adds to your burden. They don’t know how hard it is to
maintain your voice when other s refuse to listen. Somehow , some way, you
must stand up against abuse and encourage those few wonderful friends to
stand with you. Standing up against secondary abuse does not mean you can change
society . You cannot. It doesn’ t mean you can change your friends’ minds. You can’ t do that either . Rather , it means you can choose very carefully who is likely to
understand the complexity of narcissism and emotional abuse. You can use
discernment when deciding in whom you will confide and to whom you tell
your story . You can also practice being assertive in speaking out against secondary
abuse. You can insist that those who scapegoat you face what they have
done and set about to make things right. You can insist they stop portraying
themselves as innocent victims to friends and family . All of this work takes keen insight and understanding. You cann ot allow
yourself to get drawn into the fray . You cannot af ford to lose your emotional
balance to those with quick and wrongful opinions. Choose carefully who
you share your story with and look to for support.Therapeutic Support
Sadly , family and friends will sometimes let you down. Your church
family may also fail to stand up for you when you need them. It is becoming clearer to me and probably to you that you are primarily
responsible for your healing. Others may prove unreliable. Even many
professionals, including therapists and pastors, may know less about
emotional abuse than you do. Patricia Evans speaks to this issue in her book The Verbally Abusive
Relationship . She takes a very strong and appropriate stand. In the therapeutic interaction, I do not believe that the
therapist should take a neutral position. Nor do I suggest that
the therapist take sides with one person against another
person. I suggest instead, that the therapist take the side of
change…
A person experiencing emotional pain and anguish from
encounters with their mate may be able to identify and name
what has occurred if they recog nize that what has been said to
them, or the way they have been treated, is in fact abusive.8
Evans understands that second ary abuse can be perpetrated even by
well-intentioned therapists. Like pastors, friends, and family, even
therapists can be swayed into mislabeling what is occurring right in front of
them. They may see a depressed woman as simply depressed, not abused. They may see a couple as needing communication skills when in fact
emotional abuse is taking place. She takes a stron g stance when recommending against any therapist (or
perhaps friend) who does not see verbal abuse as an act of violence, and
against those who hold the partner in any way responsible for the abuser ’s
pervasive pattern of abuse. Finally , she insists the therapist (or friend or
family member) must take to heart the partner ’s experience.9
Protecting the V ictimHow sad that we have all done what I have done—passing by a
wounded woma n, failing to step in to offer help. How tragic that we have
all listen ed to the faint stories and refused to put the pieces together and
acknowledge what was really taking place. We don’t want to get our hand s dirty. We don’t want to get our faith
dirty. We don’t want to risk getting hurt in the process of taking  a stand for
change. Here are a few simple steps we can take to stop secondary abuse. Let’s
agree to use these actions to support victims of narcissistic and emotional
abuse. 1. Validate their experience . This doesn’ t take a lot of work. All we
have to do is listen carefully and validate what we hear . 2. Ask some gently pr obing questions . Care enough to learn more. Encourage her to tell her story . 3. Take her experience to heart . Allow her story to impact you. Don’ t
dismiss it or blame her for anything. Simply allow her to tell her
story . 4. Empathize with her . If you listen carefully enough, you will
understand and be moved by her story . You can empathize with her
story because we all have been hurt, betrayed, and wounded at some
time in our lives. 5. Support her . Ask her how you can help. Get a little dirty in the
process. Protecting the victim, offering support and aid, is not optional. Remember that doing nothing may seem innocent, but it enables the abuse
to continue. W e cannot stand by and allow victims to suf fer. “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of
mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40). The Path ForwardNarcissistic and emotional abuse is horrible, and it’s made much worse
when you are alone. Abuse is worsened when those you believed would
support you don’ t. It is made worse by those who refuse to acknowledge it. We can all make a difference. Let’s get our faith and hands a little dirty
by refus ing to become triangulated, refusing to scapegoat the victim, and
choosing to acknowledge abuse when it occurs in our world. If you are being secondarily abused, have the courage to choose  healthy
friends who will come alongside you, support you, and protect you. Challenge your friends and family to have courage and take a stand. Let’s now move forward and learn what we can do when even the
church is abusive. OceanofPDF .com8
WHEN THE CHURCH IS ABUSIVE
On the day that the intelligence and talents of women ar e fully
honor ed and employed, the human community and the planet
itself will benefit in ways we can only begin to imagine . ANIT A DIAMANT
What image comes to your mind when you think of the word “chu rch”? I
will forever picture the enormous brick structure on the corner of Forest and
Champion Streets in Bellingham, Washington. Though no longe r standing, I
will always remember it as a place of peace, inspiration, and refuge. I can still envision cars pulling up to the corner , dropping off kids and
adults. I can see people climbing the steep concrete stairs to the arched
entrance and opening the double wooden doors leading to the sanctuary . I remember the huge sanctuary , rows of pews for the choir , the pastor ’s
study just off to the right, and the large, impressive pulpit he stood behind
to deliver the weekly sermons. I can still hear the hymns played on the
organ. I felt God’ s protective presence in that church. I felt safe. I want ed to be
there. Our family went every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and
Wednesday evening. The people of the Bellingham Mission Covenant
Church were like a second family to me. I felt loved and cared for,
protected and nurtured. The safety and protection I felt in that church are not what many women
feel. Many wom en do not find caring, loving support in their places ofworship. For them, the church is abusive, and that is the issue we’ll address
in this chapter . Abuse V ictims and the Chur ch
Victims of abuse want to feel the protective sanctuary of a church
family and pastor . They need  a refuge from the harm of their home. Unfortunately , many don’t find a safe, listening ear. Many are met with
distant, preachy counsel that leaves them feeling unprotected and even more
confused. Victims of narcissistic and emot ional abuse need specialized help. They
need friends who will come alongside and offer support and guidance. They
need family who will understand and offer love—and lots of it. They need
their church family to surround them with compassion and spiritual care. Tragically , the very institution many women look to for support and
encouragement, the church, all too often turns its back on the wounded. Too
often the church not only fails to protect abused women but also refuses to
hold men accountable for their emotional and narcissistic abuse. Often the
church offers men protection while shaming women into going back to the
abuse, all in the name of faith. This creates an unfathomable wound to women. Betrayed in the Chur ch
Jodi and Jake had been an integ ral part of their church’ s worsh ip team
for years. Jodi’ s world revolved around her husband, their children, and
ministry . She had tolerated his emotionally abusive behavior because she
loved their kids, church, and ministry . Jodi had some of the same feelings toward her church that I had while
growing up. She gave much time and energy to their church, sensing a
calling to serve there. This was more than a place of worship to her. The
people there were a second family to her . Her ability to tolerate Jake’ s angry outbursts, emotional eruptions,
spending sprees,  and erratic behavior came to a screeching halt one Sunday
evening when a friend called, telling her Jake was having an affair with
another ministry team member .This was not the first time rumors had circulated about her husband. This time, however , the rumor seemed tragically real. She feared the worst. When she first became aware that her husband was spending time alone
with one of the other worship team vocalists, she thought speaking to him
about it would be enough to cause him to think about how inappropriate it
appeared. What she got instead totally knocked her feet out from under her
—an admission that he was no longer in love with her and that this other
woman was a “better fit.”
Jake admitted he wanted a deeper relationship with the other woman. He denied anyth ing physical had taken place, but Jake had been deceptive
before with her. He had lied about money and where he spent his time. His
deception and troubled behavio r had been overwhelming to Jodi, but his
attraction to another woman was more than she could tolerat e. Jodi was
frightened and not sure of her next course of action. “I never thought I would be the other woman,” Jodi told me during our
initial counselin g session. “We were totally involved in the church, and
even though I never felt completely safe with Jake’ s abusive personality , I
did feel safe and protected at church. My friends were there. My faith in the
Lord grew so much there.”
Jodi paused. “I never thought about Jake cheating with someone. Then after it came
out, I expected the church would step in and support me. I was wrong.”
“What happened?” I asked. “Jake was so matter -of-fact about it when he told me,” she said
tearfully . “He said his feelings about me had been absent for a long time. My world was crashing down, and he acted like I should be able to take it in
stride. I couldn’ t breathe for days.”
She paused to wipe tears from her eyes. “He made up some nonsense about us being too young when we
married,” she continued, “abou t not knowing back then what he really
wanted. He said he had been thinking about leaving and seeing if this other
woman was a better fit for him. “I was speechless,” she contin ued. “I didn’ t see it coming. But his
betrayal is just the beginning of my pain.”
“What else are you talking about?” I asked, unsure what she was
referring to.“The church meant everything to me,” she said. “I loved that church. We gave our time, energy, money , talent…everything to the church. Now
they’ve all turned their back on me. What am I supposed to do?”
Jodi shared that in the beginning, she was completely overw helmed
emotionally and confused abou t what to do. She wasn’ t sure what was
going on regarding the affair, but she did not wish to slander her husband or
the other woman. She didn’ t want to hurt the music ministry or the church
by exposing their crumbling marriage. “It’s all so confusing to me,” she continued. “I love my church. I’ve
helped build it. They’re family to me. But now they aren’ t protecting me,
and I don’ t know what to think.”
Jodi also felt conflicted about her faith. How could she be angry with
God, the pastors, and the church? She was supposed to be under their
leadership. What should she do if the leaders weren’ t protecting  her? What
was she going to do with all the people she had thought were always
available to listen and tend to her? She was terribly confused. The church leaders were Jake’ s close friends, which meant they were
likely to protect their relationship with him. They seemed reluctant to do
anything that might cause him harm and made it clear they were not going
to speak  out against him. When  she talked to them, they seemed to dance
around the real issues. She sensed the lines being drawn and found herself
on the losing side. She felt alone and afraid. In the days following, Jodi had time to reflect. She reviewed all the
years she had felt abandoned by her husband, a man who enjoyed the
limelight of being onstage at home, at work, and in the church. She recalled
many times when Jake left her alone while he worked long hours at his job
and then at the church. Jodi recalled his constant irritability and frequent angry outbursts. When
confronting him, she risked facing his defensiveness and accusations. If she
dared to confront him, he accused her of being an unsupportive, biblically
unsubmissive wife. She knew she hadn’ t been a priority to Jake, but now
she felt totally alone. Betrayed by the Chur chOften, a woman’ s church is one of the few places she can go for help
when she realizes something is very wrong in her marriage. Her hope is that
the leadership will provide the context for healing, surrounding  her family
with correction,  support, accountability , and love by shepherding them to
health and godliness. “I thought I could go to the pasto r for help,” Jodi said. “We are taught to
bring problems to the leadership of the church. But I’ve been very
disappointed. I’d gone to the pastor before for help about Jake’ s controlling
behavior , and I was passed off to the associate pastor . He didn’ t offer much
advice.”
“What kind of counsel did you get?” I asked. She shook her head. “The associate pastor couldn’ t believe Jake could be that controlling,
and he encouraged me to pray for a change. He didn’ t want to hear about
any specifics. He left me with some Scriptures and said he’d pray for me.”
“I’m sorry ,” I said. “I’ve heard  many stories like that. Many  pastors
aren’ t trained in emotional abuse and don’ t know how to help.”
“But they didn’ t do anything about Jake’ s affair either ,” she said with
exasperation. “I couldn’ t believe it. They promised me they would handle
the situa tion. I waited for week s for them to confront him and tell him he
had to change. But they didn’ t do anything. They didn’ t discipline him. They didn’ t even monitor him to make sure he stopped the af fair.”
Jodi’ s response from her church is tragically common. Desperately
seeking help, women like Jodi often find instead an unwilling ness by the
church to get too involved. Many women are patronized and told everything
will be okay . They find church leadership refusing to delve deeply into
matters or take critical stands. Jodi’ s interactions with church leadership left her feeling deeply hurt
and abandoned. She sensed their loyalty to her husband and their neglect of
her. She sensed the leadership was reluctant to take a position that might
harm their ministry . Jodi felt torn in sharing her feelings with me. She wanted to believe the
best of her church but couldn’ t shake the feeling that her church leaders
were reluctant to get involved with troubled marriages.Support for the Perpetrator
Jodi’ s problems seemed to only get worse. Already wounded from years
of abuse and control by her husband, she struggled now with his blatant
rejection and betrayal. Add to this her feeling alone and betrayed by her
church. The church’ s support for her husband made her wounds far worse. Where were the leaders she expected to protect her and help her save
her marriage? Even though her ministers initially seemed supportive and
showed outrage at his behavior , she noticed little change and no real
intervention. It was this appar ent support, combined with the leader ’s supportive
language, that caused her to expect so much more from them. She was
prepared for supportive action, but none was forthcoming. This led to another layer of abuse. “I really expected the pastors to ask Jake to step out of minist ry,” she
said. “That’s what I thought was standard practice. How can they support a
man leading worship who is having an affair with someone else on the
worship team? The staff was more concerned with how things appeared
than they were with Jake’ s infidelity . The staff didn’ t want to cause any
kind of riff in the church. They never explained their actions to me. Now I
don’t trust their leadership.”
Paul Hegstrom comments on situations like this in his book Angry Men
and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and
Emotional Abuse . It is a sad state of affairs in the church when a woman has been
abused, it seems that the congregation, her friends, and the
clergy shy away from dealing with the situation. She feels
forsaken by those she should be able to lean on the most.1
Jodi expected to be protected by her church family from her husband’ s
emotional abuse. She expected friends and church family to circle around
her and help her emotionally and spiritually . She hoped church friends she
had helped over the years would now rush in to help her. That didn’ t
happen.Jodi also expected her church leadership to firmly step in and discipline
her husband and then supervi se his restoration. She expected them to
encourage coun seling for him and then for them as a couple. She thought
they would firmly and decisively take immediate action. She discovered
that her issues were apparently less important than other church matters. Jodi is baffled and perplexed, feeling betrayed and deeply hurt. While
she expected understanding, compassion, support, and confrontation of her
husband’ s affair, little was forth coming. Perhaps her deepest betrayal came,
however , when the church supported her husband because of his “difficult,
unsubmissive wife” and protected or denied his abusive behavior rather
than speaking out against it. He was allowed to remain on the worship team,
and his af fair was pushed under ground. Tragically , Jodi had to navig ate her husband’ s affair alone. She
separated from him in an effort to maintain her sanity , feeling very little
support from her longtime friends at church and none from  the church
leadership. All this created another layer of emotional abuse. False Friends, False Hope
We expect our friends, especially longtime friends, to provide support. We depe nd on them for our emotional and spiritual strength when we are
low. When I think about my friends, I consider those I know I can turn to in
times of need. I trust them. I know they will do what they say they will do,
be who they say they will be, and perform the actions they say they will
perform. What happens if those we believ e will be there for us disappear in times
of trouble? What happens if those people have promised to do something
for us, only to fade away when there is a significant need? This creates incredible tension in our minds and can exacerbate
emotional traum a. We depend on truth to survive in this world. We depend
upon people telling us the truth, doing what they say they will do, and being
where they say they will be. We depend on them looking out for our best
interests and welfare. This kind of truth is essential to our mental and spiritual health.Something tragic happens when truth is replaced with a lie, facts
replaced with distortion, and our best interests replaced with someone’ s
hidden agenda. I remem ber clearly some years back when my office manage r, who I
counted on to be trustworthy , reliable, and protective of me, was discovered
to be embezzling  from my company . This was a woman who had shared the
inner workings of my business and had helped me grow the company . As I uncovered dishonorable fact after fact, my heart sank. I was
flooded with emotions of disbelief, anger , discouragement, and profound
betrayal. “How could this be?” I said to my wife. “I trusted her. I counted on her
to do what she said she was doing. She told me she was fiercely protective
of me and my company . She said she would always look after my best
interests. She said she championed me and our work in the community .”
She lied. This story, while true and traumatic for me, cannot compare to the
woman who married and believed her mate would protect and love her in
all circumstance s. My story is nothing compared to the coun tless stories
I’ve heard and witnessed from victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse. Jodi shared the following story about her friends. “When my friends heard Jake and I separated, some called immediately ,
offering hope. They seemed genuinely concerned about me, and I thought
they were calling to find out how I was doing. But they were really calling
to preach at me and tell me what to do. They sent Scriptures, not necessarily
to encourage me but to influenc e me and bring me back to the fold. They
really only wanted to push their message—that I should follow the
leadership and do whatever they said I should do.”
“This sounds very frightening,” I said. “I don’t think I feel frightened,” she continued, “but I do feel hurt and
confused. Am I supposed to listen to them? They don’t take the time to
listen to me or empathize with my situation. They say they offer hope and
caring, but I don’t feel it. I don’t think they can see what they are doing. I
don’t trust them.”
“I am really sorry , Jodi,” I said. “Your story is one I’ve heard so many
times—people in the church believing they are doing what is right, when it
is so hurtful. The church needs a lot of education on emotional abuse.”“It’s a show ,” she said angrily . “They say what they are doing is for the
purposes of God, but that’s not really what it is. They believe they are being
holy and spiritual, but I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel understood. They don’t
want to hear anything that goes against how they view the church and
church leadership.”
Jodi’ s words were piercing to me. I have been part of church leadership. I have been an ambassador for the church. Have I been part of an abusive
culture without knowing it? I let her words sink in. Her message  was strong
and clear and extremely disconcerting. Patriar chy and the Chur ch
Jodi was angry at the church —me, you, and others who form the
church. She was deeply troubled at the lack of help that she received from
the shepherds of the flock. She is certainly not the first who has been deeply disappointed with the
church. Are her expectations too high, or did her church let her down? If
her church failed her , are they also guilty of participating in her abuse? I realize these are tough questions and perhaps unsettling. Her words
certainly caused me to stop and think. While challenged, I also felt
defensive of the church. The church is fallible, and Jodi cannot expect it to
be perfe ct. That will never happ en. How much can we expect the church to
do in situations of emotional abuse? I sat and listened as Jodi shared her feelings and thoughts, sifting them
through my well-established belief system. Nothing she said fit my
viewpoint, but she was intense  and incisive and had taken the time to
consider her position. “Our church is led by men, and Jake is part of the club,” she said. “I
don’t feel heard . My voice has effectively been silenced, and I don’t trust
them now to care for me. Wher e are those who were supposed to love and
protect me?”
Her thoughts and question were clear and firm and terribly unsettling. I
had to reconsider what was happening to Jodi and what perhaps has
happened to you. Is it significant that Jake is a man, that his church is led by men, and
that it’ s part of a lar ger culture dominated by men?Does it mean anything that he is in leadership? Sadly , the answer to each of these questions is unequivocally yes. While
I have critical things to say about the church, I want to assure you that I
love the church. We are all the church. But the church is flawed in many
ways, just as we are. The church has a history of treating men and women differently . Men
are often given preferential treatment. Patriarchy endorses men running the
church, holding  positions of authority and leadership, and maintaining a
masculine feel to the church. Women are often reduced, marginalized, and
subordinated to men. Rachel Held Evans, in her article “Patriarchy and Abusive Churches,”
speaks to this pointedly . Christian patriarchy is often illustrated as a series of
umbrellas in which the male leadership of the church holds
authority over the male leaders of the homes who hold
authority of the women and children at the bottom of the
hierarchy . This authority structure is typically described as a series of
“coverings” or “protections” but unfortunately , the ef fect is often
the oppo site, as abused women and children find they have no
recourse or power , as every decision in their lives must be made
by a series of men, many of whom are more invested in
protecting the reputation of the ministry than the people in it.2
Does this descri be what might be happening to Jodi? I think so. Does it
tragically descri be many women in one form of abuse or another? Again,
yes. Patriarchy often stems from an incorrect interpretation of Scripture. Hegstrom again weighs in on this topic. Many times in a church world, submission is held over the head s
of women by men who are emotionally manipulative or abusive
in order  to get their way and maintain power and control.Ephesians 5:24-28 reminds us that as Christ died for the Church,
a man should give his life for his wife.3
I am a man and have been steeped in patriarchal church history . I was
raised in a patriarchal church, attended a patriarchal Bible school, and
studied at a patriarchal seminary . I’ve only heard two women preach
sermons in my 60-plus years of life. I’m afraid I have patriarc hy running
through my veins and don’t even  know it. Is it time to critically review how
we do church? Reconsidering Y our Spirituality
Perhaps by now I’ve stepped on your spiritual toes, or perhaps you’ve
resonated with Jodi’ s story and are glad it is finally being told. Either way, I
encourage you to question and reconsider your spirituality . Maybe what
we’ve always thought to be true is not. Maybe the way we conduct church
needs to be reconsidered. This is a challen ge for many , including me. Like me, you may cling to
certain spiritual doctrines: men are to lead the church, spiritual leadership is
to be obeyed, spiritual leaders know more because they have been trained
and have a direct line to God, resistance to spiritual leadership is
tantamount to sin. This can be heavy stuf f. Who wants to be seen as a rebel? When it comes to the topic of emotional abuse in the church, however , it
is past time for us all to review our beliefs. It is beyond time for us to listen
very, very carefully to those who are being abused. Not only to those who
have been abused in the past, but also to those sitting next to us in the pews
who are being abused even now . It is all too common for those in a Christian environment to send an
abused wife the message that being godly looks like enduring more, praying
more, and letting God step in. Many give her the message that she must
“stay and pray,” tolerating whatever happens in her home. Some believe
that what happens behind the closed doors of the home is a private and
personal matter , not to be tampered with. Many believe that God alone is
the one to convict the man of abusive behavior , that it is not her job to speak
out against his abusive behavior .Will van der Hart makes this assertion in his article “Words Matter—
Emotional Abuse and the Church.”
Accusations of emotional abuse in churches are rarely taken
seriously becaus e of a common myth that “church leaders are
always the victims of malign accusations” or that this is simply
“spiritual attack .” It is very rarely accepted that church leaders
are emotionally broken individuals who often cause significan t
damage to others through their words and actions.4
Clearly we all have a responsibility to work for an emotionally healthy
culture both within ourselves and within our churches, being fully aware of
what makes for emotionally abusive conduct. We must serve everyone in
the church, and that includes both perpetrators and victims of abuse. The church is spiritually blind and emotionally abusive when it
perpetuates the idea that being a godly , submissive woman means taking
whatever abuse a husband has yet to be convicted about. It is sinful to
protect the church from getting into the fray by minimizing the harm or
giving religious platitudes abou t God’ s power . Yes, abusive marriages are
messy and brutal. But that is exactly what God calls His church to stand
against. Seeing the Chur ch Differ ently
Questioning your spirituality means seeing the church differently . The
church is not for perfect people. It’s for the broken, hurting, lost, and sinful
to be set free to live as God designed and called them to. The leadership has
a responsibility to shepherd the people—to protect them from sin and
abuse, to bring shelter and healing for the broken and hurting, and to care
for the matters of the heart. It is never their calling to affirm or enable sin of
any kind! Not religiosity , self-righteous facades, or outright abuse. For the church to point fingers at women in distress is to completely
ignore the dama ge to the most powerful representation of God to the world
—the Christian marriage. Typically , churches put an immense  amount of
weight on marriage in terms of physical ties. They put very little emphasison the emotiona l ties, or that marriage is meant to be about exemplifying
God’ s love to the world. They might preach love from the pulpit, but where
the rubber meets the road, they gloss over destructiveness and abuse within
marriage as if God is okay with it as long as they stay together . But how does that marriage look to God? God cares more about the
individuals involved, their relationship, and how it represents Him than He
does a piece of paper signed by a judge. And if you are persis tent about a
wife being submissive, you must be even more persistent about starting
from the top down, pointing your finger at the husband’ s abuse for what it
really is. The divorce God hates is the divorce of the relationship. Entering the Sanctuary
I love the word “sanctuary”—f or me a sanctuary is a place of peace,
safety , and protection. It provides an opportunity to sit with God. Not that
God sits only in His sanctuary , but throughout history the sanctuary has
been the special place reserved for those seeking God. Abused women  desperately need a place of peace, safety , and
protection. They need an opportunity to sit with Abba , their heavenly
Father . Consider that in the midst of their narcissistic and emotional abuse,
they have experienced very little peace, safety , and protection. To enter the sanctuary , however , there must be a sanctuary . There must
be a place, physically , spiritually , and emotionally , where women are
protected and feel safe. I have some ideas about what that sanctuary might look like, what
church leadership might do to create a safe place for abused women to feel
loved, supported, and deeply cared for . Pastors can help men better understand their biblical role in marriage by
providing balanced teaching on Ephesians 5:22-28, offering marriage
classes and counseling, and modeling a loving relationship with their wives. Additionally , here are a few practical tools churches can use to help
narcissistic and emotional abuse victims and to hold perpetrators
accountable for change. • Validate her feelings . I find it extremely rare for victims of abuse to
exaggerate or lie about their experiences.• Take a keen inter est in the victim’ s story . Take the time to listen to
what she has to say . Her story will unfold and make sense as you listen
with care. • Determine the danger of her situation . Is this woman safe? Does
immediate intervention need to occur? What is the next step to be
taken? • Learn all you can about the topic of nar cissistic and emotional abuse . Create an atmosphere where women can speak out about their
experiences. • Include a study on family violence and the pr evention of violence in
the adult Sunday school curriculum . Make topics of emotional abuse
in marriage part of the group studies within the church. • Offer support and unconditional love . Connect victims with support
groups and prayer partners, and provide ongoing emotional and
practical support. Prepare to of fer ongoing support through the process
of healing, in addition to helping the victim to find professional
counseling. • Hold the abuser accountable, utilizing principles based on Matthew
18:15-17 . Remove the individual from leadership as appropriate. However , the ultimate goal of confrontation, as emphasized in
Galatians 6:1, is repentance and restoration. • Men must enter into specific tr eatment for emotional abuse . Church
leadership must hold these men accountable for change. • Make an appr opriate r eferral to a Christian counselor , highly trained
in emotional abuse . Both the perpetrator and victim will need ongoing
professional help and support, and the church can be part of this
process. Churches must develop a protocol, utilizing these tools, for working
with abused women and abusive men. They can no longer  ignore theseverity and magnitude of this issue. Men, women, and children caught in the cycle of emotional abuse need
practical, emotional, and spiritual support. Victims want and need support
from their churches. Take steps to make your church a safe place, where
victims and their abusers can find grace, love, and healing. The Path Forward
I have undoubte dly stepped on your toes a few times. I, along with
women like Jodi, have dared to challenge spiritual leadership that is
misguided, misinformed, and mistaken. We know, however , that change cannot take place until we all recognize
something is dreadfully wrong. I’m rethinking my spirituality and hoping
you will do the same. If you are one of the brave women willing to speak
out, please conti nue. If you are not yet ready to speak out, know there is a
movement afoot to create a healthier church for you. Join me now as we talk about another impact of narcissi stic and
emotional abuse—growing smaller and smaller . OceanofPDF .com9
GROWING SMALLER AND SMALLER
The Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us
power , love and self-discipline. 2 TIMOTHY 1:7
Sherri got married the summer before her senior year of college. “Everyone would have told you my husband and I were a perfect
match,” she told me. “We just clicked, had lots of fun togethe r, and were
headed the same direction in life. I believed Joe was my biggest fan.”
A few months after graduating from college, having been married just
over a year, Sherri acknowledged the flaw in their relationship . Her hopes
of going to grad school were quickly dismissed, her desire to have children
was put off until he said it was time, and everything about her life was
shifted to fit his plan. “As long as my dreams and hopes matched Joe’s idea of how life should
go, we were great. But as soon as I mentioned anything that went against
his plans, I was told it was ridiculous, wouldn’ t work, wasn’t good…
whatever he could say to dissuade me.”
It wasn’ t just her goals in life that were devalued, but also her opinions
and way of thinking, her family and friends, the way she kept house and
managed money , and even acts of intimacy . “He corrected everything I said and did, like he held the rule book and I
didn’ t have a clue. His way of living was right, and mine was wrong.”
At first she went along with it.“I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was biblical
submission. I wanted my life to revolve around his. That’ s how I was
raised.”
Now years later, facing a divorce, she realizes, “I don’t know who I am
anymore. I can barely remember what my hopes and dreams were. I’m
isolated from my friends, my family , and my church. I spent my entire
marriage trying to make him happy , and now I feel worthless.”
She paused. “Look at me,” she said tearfu lly. “He’ s gone, doing fine, and I’m
struggling to figure out my life. I’m pathetic.”
Erosion of a Life
Of course, Sherri is not pathetic. However , she is lost. She feels small
and insignificant, and that is what this chapter is about. It’s about how one
loses her life and how to find it again. How did Sherri lose her life? How could she forget what she wanted to
do and be? What happened to her dreams? Napoleon Hill is reported to have said, “The starting point of all
achievement is desire.” But what if that desire has evaporated, one drop at a
time? What if there is no one to champion your dreams, no cheerleader to
encourage you? Sadly , passion fades. If we don’t nurture our dreams, leaving them
unfulfilled and unnourished, our dreams will fade. If we aren’ t active in
pursuing our dreams, they will diminish. Sherri shared more with me. “I wanted to go to grad school and become a social worker or early
education teacher . I’ve always wanted to protect and help vulnerable
children. I don’t know what it is about kids who have had a hard time, but I
wanted to help them someho w. Maybe I would have been a special
education teacher . But Joe’s career always took precedence. He said maybe
sometime down  the road I could go back to school. It was always, ‘Not
now.’”
“Did you push to go back to school?” I asked. “Not really ,” she said. “Joe made it clear that his career came first. There was never any question about that, and the church supported him.‘Support your man.’ I was swimming upstream just thinking  about grad
school or considering a career .”
“So, what happened to your dreams?” I asked. “I told myself they weren’ t that important,” she said. “Being a good
wife and mother was enough. Now I have the nagging thought that I’ve
missed out on life.”
And by Comparison
How did Sherri know she was not where she wanted to be? What gave
her the impression that she had somehow lost out on life? “I looked around at some of my friends who did go to grad school,” she
said. “They have families and at least part-time careers. I’m envious of
them. I did exactly what Joe wanted me to do. I gave in to his pressure to
stay home and raise our girls.”
Sherri peered of f into space and continued to reflect on her life. “I don’t know what happened to my life,” she said wistfully . “I wonder
what I could have done if I hadn ’t given in to his every demand. Compared
to my friends, I sometimes feel like I’ve wasted my life.”
Of course, Sherri had not wasted her life, though she had made
concession after concession to Joe and had missed out on some important
opportunities. She lived in Joe’s shadow . She lived the life he expected her
to live. She grew smaller and smaller while he grew lar ger. “I raised my children right,” she said proudly . “I can’t say everything
was lost. My kids are happy and on their own. They love me but don’t rely
on me as they did years ago. I’m living in an empty nest, and that only adds
to my sadness.”
While Sherri appeared primarily sad, I wondered about feelings of anger
and resentment. “Do you feel any anger or resentment?” I asked. “Oh yeah,” she replied quickly . “I can’t believe I’m sitting here at 40
years old and divorced. He’s a successful banker , making great money with
a great future. I’m a stay-at-hom e mom with no one left at home. I have no
job, no resume, and no experience.”
Sherri’ s story is a familiar one to me. She capitulated to her husband’ s
domination and must now pick up the pieces of her life and start again.The Dominant Nar cissist
According to Sherri, Joe seems to have no regrets. He now wants to live
alone. She wonders what is really going through his mind. He lived his life
as if his way was the only one that mattered. “What did it feel like to be married to him?” I asked Sherri. “Dominated,” she replied quick ly. “He was selfish and self-centered. It
was always his way. Anytime I brought up a concern, his reaction was
bigger than my concern. His emotions were bigger than mine. His beliefs
were bigger than mine. His arguments were more powerful and persuasive
than mine. He sucked the air out of the room and the life out of me.”
Sherri discovered she couldn’ t influence him, so she quit trying. She
had to keep Joe happy if she wanted any peace in her home. She had hoped
he might listen to her if she gave in enough, but no amount of giving up of
herself influenced him. Sherri made a goal to love Joe fully, giving in to him emotion ally and
physically . Again, loving and submitting to him did not move him to
compassion toward her. He would fuss and brood anytime he didn’ t get
exactly what he wanted. During those times, he was sarcastic and hurtful. She wondered if he saw everything about her as a constant threat to his own
sense of self. Joe seems to have been something like the biblical character Nabal. Both men illustr ate how foolish narcissism can make a man. In 1 Samuel
25, we read a brief story about Nabal and his wife, Abigail. Nabal is described as “the man churlish and evil in his doings” (1
Samuel 25:3 ASV). “Churlish,” by the way, means a bear of a man—harsh,
rude, and brutal—and his record proves he was all of that. He was stubborn,
ill-tempered, surly , and mean in his dealings with others. In contr ast, his wife was almost exactly the opposite. She was an
intelligent and beautiful woman . You can imagine the eggshell s she had to
walk on around him! Like many narcissists, Nabal was rich with goods and gold, thinking
only of his possessions. He was also a drunk and an unbeliever , and he was
jealous of King David’ s success. Nabal refused to show respect to King
David and his men. He assert ed his dominance with a foolishness that
would bring destruction upon his whole home.Yet despite her husband’ s lack of judgment and maturity , Abigail was
loyal to him. As a Hebrew woman whose culture restricte d her from
offering counsel, she risked the wrath of her narcissistic husband and the
king by pleading for her husban d’s life. She showed incredible courage in
the face of danger . Somehow , I presume through God’ s sovereign hand, she remained
strong even in the shadow of Nabal’ s selfishness. In the end, Nabal was
destroyed, and Abigail married King David. Sounds like a great love story . Her life undoubtedly improved, marrying
Israel’ s most illustrious king. She married David in faith, and God certainly
ordained it. The Power of Inferiority
Sherri and perhaps even Abigail struggled with feelings of inferiority . Living with a powerful and dominant man will weaken anyone’ s esteem. Many talk abou t feelings of inferiority in a superficial way, as if we
could will them away by positive thinking. Feelings of inferiori ty can drain
the zest and vigor from you. Inferiority is damaging to the psyche, draining
away positive self-regard. “You can do it,” we may say to a friend lacking self-con fidence. “You’re as good as anybody else and need to act that way. Fake  it until you
make it.”
We hope our words will encoura ge them, shaking them from feelings of
inferiority to feelings of worth. But feelings of inferiority are really a
serious matter, especially if these feelings are protracted and entrenched, as
appeared to be the case with Sherri. Remember that Sherri graduated  from college—no small feat. She had
enough self-esteem and determi nation to plan for a career . What happened? How did she lose her self-con fidence? Joe stole her self-confidence one
ounce at a time. Sherri’ s self-esteem didn’ t disap pear all at once but rather was eroded
over time. Her physical energy was depleted little by little. Her ability to
bounce back was challenged again and again. By the time she came to see
me, she had nearly lost her will to live. This is not unusual for women
suffering under the prolonged stress of emotional abuse.Feelings of inferiority are rooted in an experience of weakness,
helplessness, and dependency . Let’s take a closer look at each of these
feelings. • Weakness . It is easy to see how Sherri and other women might struggle
with this issue. W omen experience extreme emotional fatigue as well
as physical fatigue. Their bodies begin to deteriorate with the
emotional trauma. Prolonged illness is debilitating. Fighting against
abusive men is emotionally and physically draining, leaving them
vulnerable to even greater illnesses. Emotionally abusive men often
prey on and promote weakness in women. • Helplessness . Emotional and physical fatigue naturally creates feelings
of helplessness. W omen want to rise above their problems but
gradually feel beaten down and helpless. Feelings of helplessness
naturally create feelings of depression. Depression often creates
debilitating anxiety and insecurity . The more fatigued you feel, the
more helpless you feel, and your choices seem to diminish. • Dependency . Victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse often
develop an unhealthy dependency upon the abusive man. Abusive men
often cultivate this dependency , knowing it is likely to help them
maintain control. V ictims of abuse lose their creative ener gy to see
viable options for change. Martha Brockenbrough, in her article “Is Your Partner Emotionally
Abusive?,” notes that typical effects of emotional abuse are devastating and
include symptoms of depression, anxiety , and destroyed self-esteem. Over time, this tiptoeing around can devastate a woman, making
her anxious, fatigued, and depressed…W omen who are being
emotionally abused often feel trapped, and they change how
they behave, speak, dress, socia lize, and even work in an effort
to dodg e the hurtful language and behavior . As a result, they
gradually lose their identities.”1Can you see how a woman can lose her sense of self and her feelings of
self-confidence, leading to feelings of inferiority? Cognitive Dissonance
Feelings of inferiority are one aspect of the gradual erosion of self. Another devastating aspect of the loss of self is cognitive dissonance —
feelings of unreality , confusion, and a mindset of not trusting your own
perception. Cognitive disso nance is tantamount to feeling as if you were going
crazy . When suffering from cognitive dissonance, you no longer are
confident of having a grasp on reality . You feel differing and conflicting
emotions, think differing and conflicting thoughts, and struggle to reconcile
them. The impact is horrific. What causes cognitive dissonance? The abuser is forever telling you that what you think is wrong, what you
see is not true, and what you believe is not based in reality . Think about it—
being told again  and again that you cannot trust your own perceptions will
seriously impact  your sense of self and feelings of worth. Being constantly
questioned and harangued will devastate your self-confidence and ability to
evaluate your world. Cognitive dissonance can be further defined as holding two or more
contradictory thoughts or beliefs at one time, as Andrea Schn eider points
out in her article “Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic
Abuse”: “The result is a state of anxious confusion and a desir e to reduce
the resultant overwhelm and unbalanced perception.”2
Tina is a 30-year -old woman with two young children, the victim of
narcissistic and emotional abuse . When she and her husband, Nick, met, he
swept her off her feet with his charm. After a brief and fiery courtship,
filled with intense passion as well as intense conflict, he pushed for
marriage. She succumbed, believing their conflicts would subside after
getting married. She was wrong. His charm subsided, but his temper did not. Much of
the good he brought to their early relationship evaporated, but his nastiness
remained. Still, she loved him. They built a home together and had twochildren. They shared many good and bad experiences. Though much of her
world was intertwined with his, it wasn’ t enough to make her stay . “I left Nick a few weeks ago,” she told me. “I still love him but just
can’t live with him because of his constant criticism and possessiveness. It
seems like that would be enough for me to let go of him,” she said. “But I
can’t stop thinking about him and wishing he would change. I love him and
hate him at the same time. It’ s driving me crazy .”
Tina is experiencing cognitive dissonance. She is holding contradictory
perceptions—love and hate, attraction and repulsion—in her mind at the
same time. Wanting to be close to him while wanting to run for the hills. She wants to call him but hopes he will leave her alone. The result of these
opposing feelings creates a great deal of anxiety for her and others caught in
the web of emotional abuse. Schneider goes on to share more about this state of anxiety for the
victim of abuse. The partner is courted, romanced, and ultimately falls in love
with the abuser , not knowing that the abuser has ulterio r
motives. The partner envisions wedding details and enjoys the
courtship, flowers, and being placed on a pedestal. The abuser
then suddenly makes a comment denying that he or she said
anything about getting married. He or she goes on to say that the
partner is “crazy” for thinking that. Blame is then projected upon
the partner , and the partner is dizzy with confusion.3
The result is cognitive dissonance. This emotional abuse renders the
woman confused and reeling with headache and heartache. Perhaps the above example is extreme, yet I assure you such events
happen. If it did not happen to you on such a grand scale, it may have
happened to you in a simpler yet pervasive manner . Your mate may tell you
something did not happen that did, or something was said that was not said,
all leading to a hazy view of reality and debilitating confusion. Cognitive dissonance is exhausting and debilitating and makes you feel
crazy .Crazy Making
The process of growing smalle r and smaller is further exacerb ated by
crazy making —emotional abuse that distorts the truth and leads you to
question yourself. It often puts you in a no-win situation. People make jokes about crazy makers, bringing up examples about
Crazy Uncle Larry or Eccentric Aunt Marge. While people may quip about
crazy makers, there is nothing humorous about it. Quite the opposite—
crazy making makes people feel crazy . In my book Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life, I cite five kinds
of crazy makers:
1. The aggr essor . The aggressor is the bully who pushes his way past
you with sheer force, demanding emotional and sometimes physical
space. He overwhelms you, dominates you, and takes up every bit of
space in any situation. Y ou have no emotional room and no place of
importance. Y ou must become smaller . 2. The egotist . The egotist is lar ge in his thinking and presentation,
grasping at emotional space and attention. He has the best ideas, the
greatest thoughts, a corner on all knowledge. Y ou must become
smaller . 3. The suffer er. The suf ferer also takes up all the emotional space but
does so by the force of his problems. His problems are bigger than
yours, they are unsolvable, and they demand attention. He will whine,
pout, and complain to get attention. Y ou must become smaller . 4. The bor derline . The borderline is erratic and unpredictable,
demanding emotional space by his crazy behavior . You never know
what will set him of f. When he is explosive, you will not know how
to calm him down. His erratic nature leaves little room for you. Y ou
must become smaller . 5. The contr ol freak. The control freak demands emotional space by his
need and insistence that things go his way . He has mastered the art ofpersuasion. He has airtight ar guments and is willing to use them to
control you. Y ou must become smaller . Kellie Jo Holly describes crazy making in her insightful blog post
“CrazyMaking: Domestic Abuse Intended to Cause Self-Doubt.”
Crazymaking throws you off balance mentally or emotionally
making you easier to control…If you’re a victim of
crazymaking, you often feel lost, disconnected, unsure of your
standing in the relationship and of yourself…Crazymaking
makes you feel like you are the crazy one.4
Think back to the story of Tina. Crazy making occurred when her mate
told her what he wanted, she did it, and it still wasn’ t enough. Crazy makers
are rarely satisfied. They have emotional needs that cannot be filled
regardless of how hard you try. You will always do something wrong and
feel their disapproval. What you do is never the way they want it. They question why it took
you so long to do it, or they will find something else to complain about. This is beyond maddening, and your response, if less than perfect, will add
another complex layer to the chaos. When dealing with a crazy maker—a narcissistic and emotiona l abuser
—you constantly feel disoriente d. Nothing is predictable or stable. Try as
you might, you will not be able to figure out the code to his happiness. You
cannot do enough, give enough, or tiptoe light enough to satisfy him. Interactions are not understanda ble, predictable, or normal. He has one set
of rules for himself and another for you. The bottom line is, crazy making makes you feel crazy! Energy V ampir es
Crazy makers have also been called energy vampir es, suckin g the life
and energy out of us. There are people in our lives who give energy and
people who take it. Crazy makers—narcissistic and emotional abusers—
steal ener gy from us.Crazy making, coupled with criticism, packs an overwhelming punch. You know what I mean—you can be happy about something, and they find
a way to douse your enthusiasm with cold water . When you are excited
about a new idea, these energy vampires go on to tell you all the things
wrong with your idea, sucking the life out of you and your dreams. Just as a child’ s heart will wither with ongoing criticism, adult hearts are
broken when faced with a critica l attitude. When children’ s fragile ideas are
stomped on, they will retreat. When they tell you they want to become
president of the United States someday and you tell them they are being
silly, you destroy their imagination and dreams. It is the same with an adult. What is going on in the heart of these critical, ener gy-draining people? Typically , these energy vampire s take away your energy and excitement
because they are emotionally stingy. Perhaps they are unhappy , resentful, or
jealous of what is happening to you. Rather than listen to his spouse ’s heart, the emotional abuser tends to
filter his world as a constant threat to his sense of self. When the victim
takes the chance to be vulnerable, sharing what she thinks or living life
without fear or hiding, the perpetrator reacts with contempt and criticism. Sadly , the critical, emotionally abusive mate lives in a world of
emotional stingi ness. He withholds praise and dishes out criticism. As a
result of his hurtful behavior , you grow smaller and smaller , diminished and
shrinking. More on Gr owing Smaller
Growing smaller doesn’ t happen all at once, just as a child doesn’ t lose
self-esteem because of just one incident. Abuse is a process, and so is the
loss of one’ s self. Growing smaller happens like the erosion of a rock when water
continuously spills over it. The edges that gave the rock its definition
slowly erode. The beautiful colors of the rock fade into gray . Perhaps it has been like that for you. The color , definition, shape, and
edges that created you have been worn away . You have tried and tried to
stop his aggress ion, his egotism, his unhappiness, his erratic behavior , and
even his control, but the result has been you losing yourself.Brain Fog
There is anothe r reason many victims lose themselves, watchi ng their
life grow smaller and smaller . As if the loss of self is not enough, as well as
loss of self-esteem and confiden ce, these problems often lead to something
even more debilitating— brain fog, or feelings of confusion, forgetfulness,
and lack of focus. Consider that our bodies, includ ing our brains, have been wonderfully
created. They have been created  to function in optimal conditions, but not
conditions of ongoing, high-alert stress. As you experience prolonged
emotional abuse, your body is pumping out adrenaline and cortisol. You
feel increasingly anxious, wear y, and overwhelmed. It is no wonder your
brain screams out, “Enough!”
Many women have told me that under these circumstances they simply
run out of emoti onal energy. They can no longer carry on as they did prior
to the abuse. Once they were excited about life, but now, simply coping is a
daily challenge. “Brain fog is an inability to really punch through,” says Mady Hornig,
associate professor of epidemiology at Columbia University Medical Center
in New York City. “It’s a vague sense of what you’re trying to retrieve, but
you can’t focus in on it, and the effort to harness the thought can be as
draining as physical activity .”5
Sadly , brain fog is a perfectly  natural response to narcissistic and
emotional abuse. It is your brain ’s way of saying to the foreign intruder (the
abuser), “Get out of my head!” Your brain is responding naturally to
someone telling you that what you’re feeling, thinking, and doing is totally
wrong. Brain fog from narcissistic and emotional abuse is not something you
can simply snap out of, becaus e your brain is trying to protect you from
further trauma. You have becom e numb. Shutting down is an involuntary
way to protect yourself, almost like a piece of machinery shutting itself off
before it overheats. Y our brain is responding naturally to danger and threat. Loss of Self
Brain fog and growing smaller are terrifying experiences. Consider how
important it is to be able to think clearly , make important, critical decisions,and map out your life. Imagine being unable to think clearly enough to
carry on your job, to manage your home and your children. One woman shared this story with me. “I feel like I lost myself. I looked in the mirror and didn’ t recognize
myself. I used to be funny , witty , and kind. Now I feel serious, somber , and
irritable. Who is this person? What happened to me?”
She paused before sharing further . “I’m happy when my boyfriend treats me nice. I start to get a glimpse of
my old self. When he is friendly and kind, I’m on top of the world. But then
he gets mad over nothing, and I sink back down. I hate that my moods and
very self are that dependent on him.”
This dependency  is natural. After all, we were created by God to be in
relationship. We were not created, however , to be abused. We were not
created not to know from one day to the next whether we woul d be treated
well. In this fight for your life, it is nearly impossible to pursue your dreams. In this struggle for your self, it is impossible to focus on what you want to
do with your life, let alone do it. But you must dig deep into your creative
reservoir , which is still there, to find those parts of you that are desperate to
come alive again. You cannot give up on yourself . You must fight on. Despite brain fog,
weakness, fatigue, and emotional struggle, you must push forward. Recapturing Y our Life
Thankfully , there are many things you can do to recapture and rebuild
your life. T ry practicing each of these strategies every day . • Don’ t take things personally . It is tempting, having a soft heart, to take
his messages personally . It’s hard not to. Remember that his behavior
is about him, not you. • Stay clear . His critical messages may confuse you. When you confront
him, he can be like T eflon, rebuf fing anything you say . He defends
himself against your ef forts to stop his critical messages, and as aresult, you often become confused. Remind yourself of what you
know and believe, remaining clear and strong. • Believe your truth . Hearing the distorted, convoluted message again
and again, you begin to believe him. Y ou may be tempted to believe
he’s right. His words begin to settle into you, leading to confusion and
loss of self-confidence. Don’ t do it. Hold on to your truth. • Set boundaries . Because of his overwhelming power , it’s hard to set
boundaries. He plows through the boundaries you attempt to erect,
making you even more vulnerable. Learn to build taller , stronger ,
firmer boundaries. Each time you do, your boundary-building muscles
grow . • Leave their pr esence . Because of your growing weakness, fatigue, and
discouragement, you stay with him. Y ou become worn down, depleted,
and small. Don’ t succumb to him. Choose when, where, and how you
will be with him. These are just a few of the ways you can regain and maintain power in
your life. Remember Y ou Befor e the Abuse
Do you rememb er who you were before realizing you’ve been living in
an emot ionally abusive relation ship? That might seem like a lifetime ago. But try . Remember . What might your friends have said about you? Maybe they would have
said things like, “You were so carefree and full of life.” Maybe they would
have said, “Y ou were full of dreams and never let anything get in the way of
them.”
Whatever they would have said, reflect on who you were before the
abuse and spend time re-membering (reattaching) those character traits. They are still alive within you and starving for attention. Thankfully , you don’t have to continue to struggle as a victim of abuse. You can overcome abuse and thrive once again. You can be victorious—asurviving, thrivi ng, liver of life. Dr. Steven Stosny encourages this in his
article “Emotional Abuse (Overcoming V ictim Identity).”
Once emotional abuse occurs in a relationship, it becomes
necessary not only to stop the abuse but to overcome victim
identity through a strong identification with your inheren t
strengths, talents , skills, power , and appreciation of the self as a
unique, ever-growing, competent, and compassionate person. This is accomplished through an emphasis on healing, growth,
and empowerment, not by reviewing checklists of behaviors that
qualify you as a victim or by reading lengthy descriptions of
resentful, angry , or abusive behavior and attitudes of your
partner .6
Wait a minute. This book is at least partly comprised of checklists of
behaviors of abusive mates. Dr. Stosny , however , has a point. These lists are
only helpful if they bring you clarity about what you no longer will tolerate
in your life. They are only helpful if they lead you to understand what you
are experiencin g so that you can name it, validate it, and then move
forward. Moving forward  means remembering where you were before the abuse
began. It means tapping into your inherent strengths that you desperately
need to carry you forward. You must learn about the pain in your heart, to
be sure, but then you must learn ways to heal from that pain. You have undou btedly lost much in your painful journey , but you have
not lost your core value. The psalmist’ s words are true for each of us. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my
mother ’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and
wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full
well. My frame  was not hidden  from you when I was made in
the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the
earth (Psalm 139:13-15).Re-member—reattach yourself to that part of you that was wonderfully
made years ago. Clinging to these truths will bring needed stren gth for your
healing journey . Reclaiming Y our Life
It is time for you to reclaim your life. Whether times of thriving were
two or twenty-two years ago, it’ s not too late to begin living life again. You can reclaim your life. In many ways your life has been taken from
you. However , you can take it back. You can grow larger, more self-
assured, more into who God made you to be. To do so requires courage and
change. You must seek to reduce and eliminate cognitive dissonance, brain fog,
and the other abuse symptoms that reduce your personhood. You are
unique, a one-of-a-kind person who cannot be replaced or duplicated. To be fully and perfectly you will require receiving validation for what
you have exper ienced. You will get that by reading this book, talking to
others with similar experiences , and discovering friends who really know
how to be a friend. When you find your safe place, you must tell your story . You may begin
doing this with a specialized psychotherapist who understands narcissistic
and emotional abuse. You may decide to tell your story on the pages of a
special journal. Offer yourself the unconditional positive regard and
validation you deserve.
_OceanofPDF.com_When_Loving_Him_is_Hurting_You_-_David_Hawkins.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        His advice is central to this book. When you shift your attention back to your point of view, you
are in a stronger position to weather the storms of unfair
criticisms that can sometimes follow growth. If you are
clearsighted, you will be in a better position to continue to insist
on what you need, in spite of the lack of support. 7
Standing Up Against Secondary Abuse
Intervening against narcissistic and emotional abuse is critical. We must
stand up for ourselves and for those who have been abused. We must
encourage those  who have been abused to cultivate a powerf ul voice, to
speak against those who would dismiss their pain. Furthermore, we must never participate in gossip and triangulation. We
can’t allow ourselves to entertain gossip that is hurtful to the innocent
victim. Unfortunately, when it comes to secondary abuse, there are many who
don’t “get it. ” They don’t understand how tired and weary you feel and how
betrayal only adds to your burden. They don’t know how hard it is to
maintain your voice when other s refuse to listen. Somehow, some way, you
must stand up against abuse and encourage those few wonderful friends to
stand with you. Standing up against secondary abuse does not mean you can change
society. You cannot. It doesn’ t mean you can change your friends’ minds. You can’ t do that either. Rather, it means you can choose very carefully who is likely to
understand the complexity of narcissism and emotional abuse. You can use
discernment when deciding in whom you will confide and to whom you tell
your story. You can also practice being assertive in speaking out against secondary
abuse. You can insist that those who scapegoat you face what they have
done and set about to make things right. You can insist they stop portraying
themselves as innocent victims to friends and family. All of this work takes keen insight and understanding. You cann ot allow
yourself to get drawn into the fray. You cannot af ford to lose your emotional
balance to those with quick and wrongful opinions. Choose carefully who
you share your story with and look to for support. Therapeutic Support
Sadly, family and friends will sometimes let you down. Your church
family may also fail to stand up for you when you need them. It is becoming clearer to me and probably to you that you are primarily
responsible for your healing. Others may prove unreliable. Even many
professionals, including therapists and pastors, may know less about
emotional abuse than you do. Patricia Evans speaks to this issue in her book The Verbally Abusive
Relationship. She takes a very strong and appropriate stand. In the therapeutic interaction, I do not believe that the
therapist should take a neutral position. Nor do I suggest that
the therapist take sides with one person against another
person. I suggest instead, that the therapist take the side of
change…
A person experiencing emotional pain and anguish from
encounters with their mate may be able to identify and name
what has occurred if they recog nize that what has been said to
them, or the way they have been treated, is in fact abusive. 8
Evans understands that second ary abuse can be perpetrated even by
well-intentioned therapists. Like pastors, friends, and family, even
therapists can be swayed into mislabeling what is occurring right in front of
them. They may see a depressed woman as simply depressed, not abused. They may see a couple as needing communication skills when in fact
emotional abuse is taking place. She takes a stron g stance when recommending against any therapist (or
perhaps friend) who does not see verbal abuse as an act of violence, and
against those who hold the partner in any way responsible for the abuser ’s
pervasive pattern of abuse. Finally, she insists the therapist (or friend or
family member) must take to heart the partner ’s experience. 9
Protecting the V ictimHow sad that we have all done what I have done—passing by a
wounded woma n, failing to step in to offer help. How tragic that we have
all listen ed to the faint stories and refused to put the pieces together and
acknowledge what was really taking place. We don’t want to get our hand s dirty. We don’t want to get our faith
dirty. We don’t want to risk getting hurt in the process of taking  a stand for
change. Here are a few simple steps we can take to stop secondary abuse. Let’s
agree to use these actions to support victims of narcissistic and emotional
abuse. 1. Validate their experience. This doesn’ t take a lot of work. All we
have to do is listen carefully and validate what we hear. 2. Ask some gently pr obing questions. Care enough to learn more. Encourage her to tell her story. 3. Take her experience to heart. Allow her story to impact you. Don’ t
dismiss it or blame her for anything. Simply allow her to tell her
story. 4. Empathize with her. If you listen carefully enough, you will
understand and be moved by her story. You can empathize with her
story because we all have been hurt, betrayed, and wounded at some
time in our lives. 5. Support her. Ask her how you can help. Get a little dirty in the
process. Protecting the victim, offering support and aid, is not optional. Remember that doing nothing may seem innocent, but it enables the abuse
to continue. W e cannot stand by and allow victims to suf fer. “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of
mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40). The Path ForwardNarcissistic and emotional abuse is horrible, and it’s made much worse
when you are alone. Abuse is worsened when those you believed would
support you don’ t. It is made worse by those who refuse to acknowledge it. We can all make a difference. Let’s get our faith and hands a little dirty
by refus ing to become triangulated, refusing to scapegoat the victim, and
choosing to acknowledge abuse when it occurs in our world. If you are being secondarily abused, have the courage to choose  healthy
friends who will come alongside you, support you, and protect you. Challenge your friends and family to have courage and take a stand. Let’s now move forward and learn what we can do when even the
church is abusive. OceanofPDF. com8
WHEN THE CHURCH IS ABUSIVE
On the day that the intelligence and talents of women ar e fully
honor ed and employed, the human community and the planet
itself will benefit in ways we can only begin to imagine. ANIT A DIAMANT
What image comes to your mind when you think of the word “chu rch”. I
will forever picture the enormous brick structure on the corner of Forest and
Champion Streets in Bellingham, Washington. Though no longe r standing, I
will always remember it as a place of peace, inspiration, and refuge. I can still envision cars pulling up to the corner, dropping off kids and
adults. I can see people climbing the steep concrete stairs to the arched
entrance and opening the double wooden doors leading to the sanctuary. I remember the huge sanctuary, rows of pews for the choir, the pastor ’s
study just off to the right, and the large, impressive pulpit he stood behind
to deliver the weekly sermons. I can still hear the hymns played on the
organ. I felt God’ s protective presence in that church. I felt safe. I want ed to be
there. Our family went every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and
Wednesday evening. The people of the Bellingham Mission Covenant
Church were like a second family to me. I felt loved and cared for,
protected and nurtured. The safety and protection I felt in that church are not what many women
feel. Many wom en do not find caring, loving support in their places ofworship. For them, the church is abusive, and that is the issue we’ll address
in this chapter. Abuse V ictims and the Chur ch
Victims of abuse want to feel the protective sanctuary of a church
family and pastor. They need  a refuge from the harm of their home. Unfortunately, many don’t find a safe, listening ear. Many are met with
distant, preachy counsel that leaves them feeling unprotected and even more
confused. Victims of narcissistic and emot ional abuse need specialized help. They
need friends who will come alongside and offer support and guidance. They
need family who will understand and offer love—and lots of it. They need
their church family to surround them with compassion and spiritual care. Tragically, the very institution many women look to for support and
encouragement, the church, all too often turns its back on the wounded. Too
often the church not only fails to protect abused women but also refuses to
hold men accountable for their emotional and narcissistic abuse. Often the
church offers men protection while shaming women into going back to the
abuse, all in the name of faith. This creates an unfathomable wound to women. Betrayed in the Chur ch
Jodi and Jake had been an integ ral part of their church’ s worsh ip team
for years. Jodi’ s world revolved around her husband, their children, and
ministry. She had tolerated his emotionally abusive behavior because she
loved their kids, church, and ministry. Jodi had some of the same feelings toward her church that I had while
growing up. She gave much time and energy to their church, sensing a
calling to serve there. This was more than a place of worship to her. The
people there were a second family to her. Her ability to tolerate Jake’ s angry outbursts, emotional eruptions,
spending sprees,  and erratic behavior came to a screeching halt one Sunday
evening when a friend called, telling her Jake was having an affair with
another ministry team member. This was not the first time rumors had circulated about her husband. This time, however, the rumor seemed tragically real. She feared the worst. When she first became aware that her husband was spending time alone
with one of the other worship team vocalists, she thought speaking to him
about it would be enough to cause him to think about how inappropriate it
appeared. What she got instead totally knocked her feet out from under her
—an admission that he was no longer in love with her and that this other
woman was a “better fit. ”
Jake admitted he wanted a deeper relationship with the other woman. He denied anyth ing physical had taken place, but Jake had been deceptive
before with her. He had lied about money and where he spent his time. His
deception and troubled behavio r had been overwhelming to Jodi, but his
attraction to another woman was more than she could tolerat e. Jodi was
frightened and not sure of her next course of action. “I never thought I would be the other woman,” Jodi told me during our
initial counselin g session. “We were totally involved in the church, and
even though I never felt completely safe with Jake’ s abusive personality, I
did feel safe and protected at church. My friends were there. My faith in the
Lord grew so much there. ”
Jodi paused. “I never thought about Jake cheating with someone. Then after it came
out, I expected the church would step in and support me. I was wrong. ”
“What happened. ” I asked. “Jake was so matter -of-fact about it when he told me,” she said
tearfully. “He said his feelings about me had been absent for a long time. My world was crashing down, and he acted like I should be able to take it in
stride. I couldn’ t breathe for days. ”
She paused to wipe tears from her eyes. “He made up some nonsense about us being too young when we
married,” she continued, “abou t not knowing back then what he really
wanted. He said he had been thinking about leaving and seeing if this other
woman was a better fit for him. “I was speechless,” she contin ued. “I didn’ t see it coming. But his
betrayal is just the beginning of my pain. ”
“What else are you talking about. ” I asked, unsure what she was
referring to. “The church meant everything to me,” she said. “I loved that church. We gave our time, energy, money, talent…everything to the church. Now
they’ve all turned their back on me. What am I supposed to do. ”
Jodi shared that in the beginning, she was completely overw helmed
emotionally and confused abou t what to do. She wasn’ t sure what was
going on regarding the affair, but she did not wish to slander her husband or
the other woman. She didn’ t want to hurt the music ministry or the church
by exposing their crumbling marriage. “It’s all so confusing to me,” she continued. “I love my church. I’ve
helped build it. They’re family to me. But now they aren’ t protecting me,
and I don’ t know what to think. ”
Jodi also felt conflicted about her faith. How could she be angry with
God, the pastors, and the church. She was supposed to be under their
leadership. What should she do if the leaders weren’ t protecting  her. What
was she going to do with all the people she had thought were always
available to listen and tend to her. She was terribly confused. The church leaders were Jake’ s close friends, which meant they were
likely to protect their relationship with him. They seemed reluctant to do
anything that might cause him harm and made it clear they were not going
to speak  out against him. When  she talked to them, they seemed to dance
around the real issues. She sensed the lines being drawn and found herself
on the losing side. She felt alone and afraid. In the days following, Jodi had time to reflect. She reviewed all the
years she had felt abandoned by her husband, a man who enjoyed the
limelight of being onstage at home, at work, and in the church. She recalled
many times when Jake left her alone while he worked long hours at his job
and then at the church. Jodi recalled his constant irritability and frequent angry outbursts. When
confronting him, she risked facing his defensiveness and accusations. If she
dared to confront him, he accused her of being an unsupportive, biblically
unsubmissive wife. She knew she hadn’ t been a priority to Jake, but now
she felt totally alone. Betrayed by the Chur chOften, a woman’ s church is one of the few places she can go for help
when she realizes something is very wrong in her marriage. Her hope is that
the leadership will provide the context for healing, surrounding  her family
with correction,  support, accountability, and love by shepherding them to
health and godliness. “I thought I could go to the pasto r for help,” Jodi said. “We are taught to
bring problems to the leadership of the church. But I’ve been very
disappointed. I’d gone to the pastor before for help about Jake’ s controlling
behavior, and I was passed off to the associate pastor. He didn’ t offer much
advice. ”
“What kind of counsel did you get.
The author advises shifting your attention back to your own perspective, which will put you in a stronger position to insist on what you need, even in the face of unfair criticisms.
What is the author's advice on how to respond to unfair criticisms?
The author suggests that therapists should not take a neutral position or take sides with one person against another, but rather take the side of change.
What is the author's stance on therapists who do not acknowledge emotional abuse?
The author believes that the church has a responsibility to protect and support victims of abuse, and that it is crucial to create a safe and loving environment for them.
What is the author's view on the church's role in supporting victims of abuse?
The author advises not to let yourself get drawn into the situation and to choose carefully who you share your story with, as well as to practice being assertive in speaking out against abuse.
What is the author's advice for those who are being emotionally drained by their partner?
The author believes that the church should not promote emotional abuse and should instead provide a safe and supportive environment for victims, and that it is the responsibility of the church to hold perpetrators accountable for their actions.
What is the author's view on the role of the church in promoting emotional abuse?