He is
completely bound up in his own world and accomplishments and is
unable to focus on you, your feelings, and what matters most to you. 3. You feel engulfed by the r elationship . Being excessively demanding,
the narcissist takes over your life. He pushes for attention and
admiration and steals your ener gy. You walk on eggshells trying to
please him and keep him satisfied. 4. You’ve begun to compr omise your personal integrity and values . You’ve begun tolerating bad behavior . You may have compromised
your values and begun watching pornography with your husband,
allowing him to use vulgar language with you, or tolerating other
abusive behaviors you swore you would never tolerate.5. You feel unworthy due to your partner ’s name-calling . Your mate has
found it easier and easier to call you names when threatened or upset. Name-calling is abusive and belittling. Over time, the name-calling
tears at your self-esteem and feelings for him. 6. You ar e exhausted by the r epeated cycles of hurt and r escue . The
narcissist causes you stress and anxiety and then does something to
relieve that anxiety . He may give you the silent treatment or may
completely shift and become charming and engaging again. He may
threaten to leave you unless you change your behavior , and you
comply because this is so scary .3
These signs offer a good summary of whether you are being abused. A
clear review of your symptoms is possibly the best diagnosis of whether
your mate is a narcissist or emotionally abusive. If you have any of the
above symptoms, you can be sure something is wrong. Understanding NVS
It is very difficult to fully understand NVS unless you have been there
or are there. I have spoken to thousands of women who have been
emotionally abused, but thankfully I have not experienced the abuse
personally . Lacking personal experience does not let anyone off the hook. When
Scripture asks, “Am I my brother ’s keeper?” the appropriate response is a
resounding yes. Jesus said, “I was hungry and you gave me something to
eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and
you invited me in” (Matthew 25:35). Friends, family , and professionals helping the victim of narcissistic
abuse must understand the impact of the narcissist on the victim. We must
understand the narcissist functio ns on the emotional level of a six-year -old
—completely self-centered, personalizing anything that feels like criticism,
and projecting all blame onto the victim. We must all circle around the
victim to help mitigate the ongoing criticism, blame, and emotional chaos. As you seek understanding, remember that interacting with the
narcissist, especially when he feels threatened, will not bring aboutenlightenment. Rather , his response to anything threatening will be
defensive and will lead to more chaos, confusion, and attempt s to control
you. When confronted, he feels threatened and is likely to either attack or
withdraw . Grow ing and becoming healthier is not on his agenda—
protecting himself is his primary objective. Attempts to pull away will leave you feeling even more victimized. Lundy Bancroft mentions this in his book Why Does He Do That? If you… want to escape his abuse, you may find that you feel
guilty toward him, despite his treatment of you, and have
difficulty ending  the relationship as a result. You may feel that
because his life has been so hard, you are reluctant to add to his
pain by abandoning him.4
This is not normal! Y ou should not have to worry about saving him. Y ou
should not feel guilty if you choose to set some distance between the two of
you so you can think straight. This is the roller coaster we’ve been talking
about thus far in the book. A Pr ofound Loss of Self and Identity
All of these syndromes—NVS, PTSD, and complex PTSD—involve a
profound loss of self and identity . What do I mean? If you have been  the victim of narcissistic and emotional abuse, you’ve
spent a lot of time and energy trying to avoid his criticism. You’ve worked
hard to avoid anger , resentment, and isolation. You have spent a lot of
emotional energy trying to second-guess what he’s thinking, feeling, and
going to do, and all of this clouds your ability to care for an important
person—you! Many victims of NVS share the following sentiments:
“I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am or what I like or what I want
to do with my life. I’ve spent so much time focusing on him that I’ve lost
myself. I’m just coping, hanging on.”
Such statements  suggest the woman is experiencing a profound loss of
self. She’s lost a critical part of herself, and this loss is disorienting. Thisbasic aspect of her nature—her sense of self—has been shattere d and must
be rebuilt. Our core sense of self includes our ability to
think
feel
experience life
make decisions
discern what is best for us
impact others
determine our life’ s direction
dream and envision
choose new possibilities
Note the greatness of these aspects of our self. Created in the likeness of
God, we are majestic creatures. We have the profound ability to think,
evaluate, feel, and make decisions. We determine, in large part, the
direction of our lives. We impact our well-being while also impacting every
person we relate to, which is quite incredible. Now imagine all of these abilities have disappeared for the victim of
narcissistic abuse. Even though  you are experiencing deep sadness, loss,
confusion, and betrayal, you have lost something even more profound. Even
though you’ve learned to cope, accommodate, and adapt to your situation,
you have lost your self. Tools for Recovery
Thankfully , there are skills and strategies for recovery from NVS and
emotional abuse. We will focus on four power -packed tools to help you
regain your emotional balance and set you on the path to healing.Find Y our Lost Heart
For many years you’ve been told you are stupid and oversensitive and
your memory is faulty . You have been told you are overreactive  and overly
emotional and nothing about your core personhood is worth listening to or
caring about. None of this is true! God prizes women to the point of even being the last thing He created. He knew  man could not surviv e well on his own and created woman to
steward this planet together with him. Moreover , God has used women throughout history , and we have
poignant stories  about Miriam, Jael, Rahab, Abigail, Ruth, Esther , and
others who are woven into God’ s redemptive plan. Naomi seemed to have done everything right in her life, yet she was met
with one calamity after anothe r. She lost her husband, sons, home, and
friends. She had every reason to be despondent and discouraged. Did she
really live faithfully only to have God turn His back on her? No! As her story develops, we see God’ s plan unfold and her protection
revealed through her daughter -in-law , Ruth. We see how she could not
manage every detail of her life, but she trusted in the provision of God to
save her. We see a woman who remained faithful, allowing God to show
His love and care through Ruth. She learned a simple yet profound
principle: Our best course of action is to trust God and remain faithful (Ruth
4:14-15). You may need help in believing that principle again. You may have lost
trust due to suffering from NVS. You may need help to see your thoughts
are your own, your feelings are your own, and your dreams, desires, hopes,
and longings are your own. You may need help believing that God cares
about these things, that you are valued because you are a child of God. The first part of finding your heart means admitting you are hurt. Your
heart aches because of the abuse. You need to acknowledge that to yourself
and have  someone else sit with you and say, “That did hurt. You have been
hurt deeply .”
You need to connect to your heart again and begin to trust your
perceptions and thoughts and feelings. This is where you get the footing to
grasp what God thinks of you, to find healing, and to release the narcissist’ s
control over you.Untangle the T rauma Bond
There comes a point in time when it is less frightening to go along with
what the narcissist says about you than it is for you to fight it or defend
yourself against it. Believing the narcissist becomes an easier choice. The
consequence, however , is to feel further hurt and trauma and loss of your
sense of self. Because you no longer trust your own judgment and are incredibly
weary , you give in. You become  even more emotionally dependent upon the
narcissist to control the relation ship, relying on him to stop the very harm
he uses to control you. That dependency , also called a trauma bond, is
cemented by moments of intermittent reward he throws in to keep you
hooked. That intermittent reward—the brief euphoric hit—is powerful! Subsequently , you will need to cultivate a growing sense of self-reliance
to help you see that pattern of abuse and reward—the trauma  bond. You
must examine this cyclical pattern of reward and abuse, noting you have  the
ability to stop the cycle and untangle the trauma bond. In addition to rediscovering your heart (what really matters to you) and
untangling the trauma bond, here’ s a third important strategy . Actively Disengage
This is hard to do. His behavior has, in many respects, destroy ed your
relationship. Since this is the case, you might think it would be simple to
disengage. That is not true. The narcissist is an expert at hooking the victim,
bringing her back into the brokenness to heap on even more brokenness, all
the while blaming her and demanding she fix what he broke. Many women find that a season  of no contact helps them to think more
clearly , regain their sense of self, and feel their own feelings once again. Whether this is a day, a week, or a month, it is the most effective way to
silence the emotional chaos so you can think clearly , engage more wisely ,
and hold to your boundaries more consistently . No contact may mean not respo nding to his attempts to contact you and
reengage in the relationship. These are sometimes called hoover maneuvers
because he is likely trying to suction you up (like a vacuum cleaner) into
another cycle of abuse. These are his frightened attempts, born out of hisown insecurity , to manipulate you back into the relationship. Learn to calm
down your emotional system with self-soothing strategies (such as
meditation, grounding, and chan ging your self-talk) to alleviate your panic
so you can think more clearly and disengage from the narcissist’ s behavior . Know Who Y ou’re Dealing W ith
Remember you are dealing with someone who thrives on power and
control. He needs to be with someone he believes is of equal or lesser value
than himself to feel important. If you challenge these perceptions directly ,
you will likely regret it. He is likely to respond vindictively . This is not to say you must always dance around him and his issues. As
I’ve said, beneath his tough exterior is a little boy who feels weak and
insecure. Choos e carefully when and how to confront him. Choose wisely
on what you confront, ensuring it is a battle you can win. Most important,  work at changing you! As you become healthi er, more
centered, and sure of yourself, he will feel that change. He may not initially
like it, but in time he may come to respect your boundaries more. As you
change, he will likely change as well. As your sense of self becomes
stronger , he will have a greater opportunity to change. At least he will begin
to notice you are not going to be bullied and will know you mean what you
are saying when you say no. Celebrating Life Again
When you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, it can be hard
to open yourself to love again. You have been hurt, and that hurt has likely
shattered your trust—both in yourself and others. Being with a narcissist can leave you emotionally scarred and scared. You can learn to trust again after you understand what happened to you. What drew you to the narcissist in the first place? What kinds of tactics did
he use, and how did you react? What has been the impact? Whether you choose to stay or leave, do your inner work. Become
stronger , clearer , and more resolved to regain your sense of self. Consider
who God has created you to be and His faithfulness in your life. Reflect onthe issues discussed in this chapter and how you have been impacted. Embrace the tools just discussed and practice them in your new life. It is time to begin celebrating life again. You can learn to trust yourself,
set boundaries on unhealthy actions, and treat yourself in more loving ways. A Path Forward
You have undoubtedly learne d a lot by now. Are you becoming
stronger? Do you feel more courageous and willing to make changes to
save your life? Y ou have one life to save, and that is your own. We are now moving forward and examining a central aspect of this
book—emotional abuse and its many faces. In learning what emotional
abuse looks like, you will be empowered to keep yourself safe and grow
beyond the abuse. OceanofPDF .comPART 2
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
OceanofPDF .com6
THE MANY FACES OF EMOTIONAL
ABUSE
Do not think of yourself mor e highly than you ought . ROMANS 12:3
Jim is a nice guy. I really like him. He is ambitious, having carved out a
very successful career at General Motors. He has been a loyal member of
the GM team for nearly 30 years, garnering the respect of many . Affable and caring, Jim didn’ t seem to fit the mold of the narcissistic
men I was accustomed to seeing. When interacting with me, he was
friendly , open, and excited about the next phase of his life. Jim was nearing  retirement. His exit plan was squarely in place, his nest
egg was impressive, and he was eyeing ways he could give more time and
expertise to his church and community . Jim proudly talked about his three grown children, successful and solid
Christians with spouses and children. He had helped his children with
college tuition and down payments on their first homes. He was not boastful
of the legacy he would leave behind. From the outside, Jim appeared to be living the dream. And he was—
with one except ion. He and his wife, Jackie, had a stormy relationship, and
it had been this way for the past ten years. “Well, Jackie and I live with constant tension,” he sheepishly admitted. “I can’t seem to please her, and I know I’m not happy with her. She alwaysseems angry with me, and I must admit being resentful of her. I don’t know
what I’m doing wrong, but she insisted I work with you.”
“Why did she ask you to work with me, Jim?” I asked. “I’m not really sure,” he said cautiously . “You’ll have to ask her. I’m
sure she’ll tell you.”
“But I’d like to know why you think she asked you to work with me.”
“She thinks I’m controlling and angry ,” he said. “I think she’s angrier
than me. I’m angry that she is angry .”
Jackie of fered a very dif ferent story . “Please don’t be fooled,” she said anxiously . “You’re our fourth
counselor , includ ing pastors, and they all think Jim is a saint. Of course, he
doesn’ t show his hostile side to them. I’m the only one who sees that. He
can be downright mean. If things don’ t go his way , he’ll pull away from me. He twists what I say and turns it back on me. Heaven forbid I dare criticize
him.”
“Hasn’ t anyone held him accountable for these actions?” I asked
incredulously . “No one sees it,” she said. “He looks good, acts good, and fools
everyone. I don’ t stand a chance. Please don’ t let him fool you too.”
Jackie was anoth er woman anxiously hoping I wouldn’ t be fooled, as so
many others have also hoped. He Seems So Innocent
With few people really listening to their pain, and their mate having a
perfect presentation to others, it is no wonder abused women  are feeling
unheard. “He appears so innocent,” I frequently hear. In the past ten years of my
practice, I’ve worked with well over 4000 couples, and in most of those, the
men have had narcissistic and emotional abuse issues. The women, without
exception, said the behavior their husband displays to others appears so
charming, yet in private is phenomenally debilitating—to the point of
creating physical symptoms in the women. How is this possible? How can men like Jim seem so nice, be so kind to
so many people, and yet be labeled emotionally abusive? Let’s consider
these possibilities.First, emotional abuse  is subtle . Men like Jim may be part charming,
part cunning, and part oppressive. Their shadow side, unseen by many , can
include behavio rs such as pouting, stonewalling, and shifting the focus. At
first glance, these emotionally abusive behaviors can seem innocuous. You might be thinking, “Pouting is emotionally abusive?” Yes. Pouting,
or passive-aggre ssive silence, done again and again, will create chaos in a
relationship. Stonewalling—refusing to talk about an issue—will do the
same. Add them together and you’ve got real trouble. Second, we are just now starting to recognize emotional abuse . Several
years ago we would never have  called these behaviors abusive. They were
either not labeled as troubling or were labeled merely as pet peeves. They
may have been lumped into a category of “men being men.” But no, they
are not just troubling behaviors. They are abusive behaviors, stealing a
woman’ s sense of self. Third, our society wants to deny emotional abuse . Not only do we fail to
recognize or call out emotion al abuse, but worse, we deny  it when it
blatantly occurs . Unlike with physical violence, with a black eye or a
broken arm, there are no community resources available when emotional
violence occurs. Finally , very few trained clinicians are dealing with these issues . Emotional abuse  still receives little attention in therapy training programs. Domestic violen ce is still treated as acts of overt violence, while many
churches and communities resist talking openly about covert emotional
abuse. So you can see why so many women feel alone, abandoned, and
voiceless. You can understand why women such as Jackie swirl in feelings
of confusion, wondering if they are imagining a problem where none exists. Fooled
Jackie is profoundly alone. In a world just beginning to listen to
complaints of emotional abuse, she screams to be heard, all the while
feeling unheard. The many faces  of emotional abuse have indeed fooled a lot of people. Most don’ t recognize these faces. They are unfamiliar . Jackie shared her story .“I tell people in my Bible study about Jim withdrawing from me for
days when he gets mad, and they tell me they will pray for me. I tell them
he glares at me when I confront him about something small, and they tell
me things will work out. I want to scream. I don’t share much with them
anymore.”
“Most people don’t consider these actions abusive,” I shared. “When
you tell people about Jim abandoning you emotionally , many see that
behavior as simply childish, not abusive. When you share about  him glaring
at you, they don’t fully appreciate the impact his intimidation has on your
emotional well-being.”
“Try living with it every day ,” she said piercingly . “Yes, that is what really make s it emotional abuse,” I said. “Those
behaviors are really harmful to you. Anyone would be wounded by those
behaviors.”
Jackie seemed relieved to hear me say that. Few have given her that
comfort and validation. Bear in mind that Jim has a brighter side as well. Contrast his darker
behaviors with his healthier side. Remember he makes a fantastic salary at
GM and is generous with his wife, children, church, and community . He is
not a bad man. No one exper iences the weight of his emot ional abuse
except his wife. This is one of any victim’ s worst fears—that their mate’ s behavior will
fool others. Self-doubt is partic ularly perplexing. They fear they may be
exaggerating his behavior and overreacting. They also fear friends and
family will be fooled and they will be cast in a bad light (scapegoating)—
another covert emotionally abusive tactic where the man looks good and the
woman looks bad. Though many will be fooled, failing to see his abusive side, make no
mistake about the gravity of his actions. Emotional deprivatio n is brutal. Though many will never see them, his glares are not innocuous. His glares
are threatening. His glares create emotional instability and distance. His
glares reveal a hardened heart and give rise to other emotionally abusive,
egregious actions. Signs of Emotional AbuseThough many will be fooled, you can be informed. You can be an
individual who understands emotional abuse and the impact it has had on
your life. Havin g this knowledge, you are empowered to be a stronger and
fuller human being. One of the confu sing aspects of emotional abuse is that it is not easy to
recognize. Taking one incident at a time, emotional abuse may be mistaken
for an act of irresponsibility or immaturity—a harsh word here, a scolding
look there. It is all of that, but added together it’ s so much more. It is imperative  to understand that emotional abuse is not a singular
action, but rathe r a pattern of actions. Emotional abuse is not one glare or
angry outburst, but rather a pattern of glares, outbursts, neglect, and hurtful
behaviors. It is not an occasiona l sharp word spoken, but rather a pattern of
hurtful, damagin g words spoken consistently . Emotional abuse is a plethora
of behaviors, comments, and attitudes that create a profound lack of safety
for the victim. The abusive behaviors develop into patterns or cycles. If there is a rare
apology , remorse is fleeting, change does not occur , and the victim feels no
safer . With this in mind, let’s learn more about what exactly constitutes
emotional abuse. Emotional abuse  is defined as any coercive and threatening behavior or
action used to control or manipulate how another will think or behave. These actions are strategically used to force another into think ing what is
acceptable or not acceptable according to the abusive individual. Focus on the Family has taken  this position: “Emotional abuse is any
nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates,
demeans, punish es or isolates another person by degradation, humiliation or
fear.”1
What are some ways this is done? 1. Hyper criticism . Can you imagine living with constant criticism? Can
you imagine living with someone who is never satisfied with your
actions? Emotional abuse occurs when one lives with constant
criticism.2. Humiliation . Living with criticism is one thing, but it’ s quite another
to feel another ’s contempt or ridicule. “Why did you do it that way?”
“Why would you ever do that?” Humiliation degrades another and
steals their sense of well-being. 3. Refusing to communicate . Many women have told me they would
rather be hit than ignored. They hate the emotional neglect and
isolation that comes from his refusal to communicate when angry . Being ignored, given the cold shoulder , is brutal. 4. Sarcasm or pr ovocation . The occasional provocative word can be
tolerated and dealt with in the relationship. A sarcastic comment
bites. A provocative word hurts. When these words are continually
woven into the fabric of the relationship, trust and safety are quickly
eroded. 5. Withholding affection . Jackie shared the impact of Jim withholding
affection from her . “He sucks the life out of me not only by what he
says but by what he does. He withholds af fection and emotional
connection. He stopped coming close years ago, and it kills me. He
knows it hurts and yet keeps doing it.”
6. Excessive jealousy . How do you fight against the man who believes
you are cheating on him when that is the furthest thing from your
mind? How do you reassure a man of your faithfulness when you
may question his? Excessive jealousy , on either partner ’s side, is very
hurtful, eroding trust and emotional safety . 7. Isolation fr om friends and family . Slowly but surely he isolates you
from friends and family . He finds something wrong with every one of
your friends and believes your family has it out for him. Subsequently , his criticism leads to you giving up and giving in,
separating you from your friends and family . The impact, of course,
is devastating and unhealthy . 8. Contr ol of money , decisions, and communication . The final act of
insecure power is that of control. He controls and dominates your useof money , the decisions you make, and the ways you do or don’ t
communicate. He believes he is superior and shows it. These emotionally abusive behaviors are devastating to your self-
esteem. They cause you to live in fear and isolation. They tear at the fabric
of your personhood and the integrity of your relationship with him. They
erode your sacred sense of self. They are symbols of his weak ego and need
for power and control, and they can leave you feeling small and insecure. Covert Emotional Abuse
Overt  abuse often includes yelling, shoving, and physical acts of harm. Covert  emotional abuse, however , doesn’t include physical acts of violence,
though the threat of violence may loom in the shadows. The emotional
abuser may make it clear that harm can come to you if you don’t change
your behavior to meet his expectations. But typically , covert abuse is passive abuse. No less damaging than
overt abuse, covert abuse may involve gaslighting—attempting to alter your
perceptions and reality to match  his intended goals. He may rewrite history
or strongly challenge your viewpoint to meet his needs. Covert  abuse may
involve hiding money and then accusing you of making things up, causing
you to wonder if you are seeing the situation clearly . Covert emotional abuse makes you feel crazy . Any complaints you have
are turned back on you (blame shifting). Intolerant of criticism,  he is easily
angered. Challen ges to his powe r are met with defensiveness and attacks on
you. While not overtly physically dangerous, his manipulations certainly
have an impact on your emotio nal and physical well-being. We are mind-
body creatures, so it is no surprise that constant tension steals our sense of
well-being. Your body will likely begin to feel the toll of his tension-
creating actions. Covert emotiona l abuse involves him lying to protect himself. He may
weave stories that make him look innocent, leaving you questioning your
sanity . He dismisses you, “forgetting” what is important to you, and
criticizes you for being critical of him.In one particularly telling blog post titled “Subtle Signs You’re Being
Manipulated by a Covert Abuser ,” Lisa Arends wrote that covert abuse is
sneaky . She noted that her ex-husband came from a troubled family , and
that should have been her first warning sign. He never voiced displeasure. He got along with many peop le but had few close friends. He was a
“storyteller” who could blend plausible fiction with reality . She noted, “It doesn’ t leave a bruise on your cheek. Or cut you down
with scathing words. Or even obviously isolate you from others. Instead, it
wisps in slowly through tiny cracks…The smoke builds until you no longer
remember what it is like to see clearly and your head is filled more with the
thoughts of your abuser than your own.”2
Covert abuse is subtle and manipulative—but not innocent. Whether
perpetrated consciously or a chronic, unhealthy pattern of relating, these
actions are devastating. Scapegoating and Playing the V ictim
There are many covert emotional abuse tactics, but there are two I
especially want  to examine. They are both particularly devious and
particularly powerful. Scapegoating
The concept comes from the Old Testament, where a goat is designated
to be led away into the wilderness, bearing the sins of the community . For
our purposes, a person is select ed as a scapegoat (the emotionally abused
woman), bearing the brunt of a problem belonging to the emotional abuser . Jackie is Jim’s scapegoat. The process is subtle and debilitating. They
attend church together , and he is active in the community . In each venue, he
appears outgoin g, friendly , and marked with integrity . Any efforts Jackie
has made to bring light to his harmful actions have been largely ignored. She is seen as whiny , not appreciating how good she’ s got it. At first this scene may seem innocuous, but it is anything but that. The
horrific damage of this situation is that Jim enjoys the favor of the
community while Jackie suffers alone and is viewed in a negati ve light. Tomake matters worse, he does nothing to set the record straight, enabling the
negative views—and that is the terrible power of scapegoating. Said another way, scapegoating  is the process of allowing a wrong,
negative perception to stand uncontested. When the perpetrato r allows his
mate to sustain unwarranted criticism, he engages in scapegoating. He
actively scapego ats her when he fails to correct a negative perception,
enjoying favor while his wife experiences the harm of a wrong impression
or reputation. Can you see it? Perhaps not at first. It has taken me years to appreciate
the power of scapegoating and the incredible damage it does to the victim. This is the most powerful aspect of covert emotional abuse. Playing the V ictim
In this instance the perpetrator turns the tables on the real victim. “Whenever I criticize him in the slightest, he turns things back onto me. He says things like, ‘I can never  please you,’ or ‘You’re never going to stop
complaining.’ This makes me feel crazy and makes me stop and worry
about my actions.”
Playing the victim is a most debilitating tactic because it stops her from
sharing any concerns and it causes her to wonder about her own actions. Maybe he is being treated unfairly . Maybe she is being too critical. Maybe
he really can’t do enough to satisfy her, strongly suggesting her standards
are way out of line. As with all other defenses, these emotionally abusive tactics create an
environment where she is subtly harmed and incredibly unsafe. His actions
stop her from asking for change, and they create uncertainty and confusion. She experiences his blame, creating self-doubt and erosion of her self-
esteem. This is why we call these actions crazy making. A Pr oblem of Self-Pr otection
Whether conscious or subconscious, one thing is clear—covert
emotional abuse is designed to protect the abuser and place the innocent
victim in danger . Much narcis sistic and emotional abuse is a defensive
maneuver designed to protect the abuser .Protect him from what? The emotional abusers’ defense s are all crafted to protect them from
feeling healthy shame and vulnerability . They hate feeling bad and would
rather you feel hurt and wounded. Victim s sense they are allowed to feel
harm while the abusers protect themselves. This is excruciating. This goes against how we were created. God placed within us a
conscience so we could know right from wrong, good from evil. We were
designed by God to feel sorrow for wrongful actions. This rightful way of
functioning, however, has gone awry for the emotional abuser , who avoids
healthy shame and remorse with his many defensive mechanisms. Let’s peer again into Jackie’ s life. Jackie shared on one particular Sunday afternoon that she tentatively
approached Jim about taking a day off from football and spending it with
her. She was soft and kind in her delivery . What she got back was a blast. “I only take one day off a week, and I’d like to spend it watching
football. Is that too much to ask? Don’ t try to guilt-trip me for doing
something for myself. I’ll spend it with you, but I sure don’t know why I
can’t do something for myself once in a while.”
What happened? Why was her request met with a defensive blast from
Jim? Was Jackie  harsher than she is admitting? Did she guilt-t rip him into
spending time with her? Does she guilt-trip him when he does anything  for
himself? Unlikely . I’m offering a more plausible explanation. Jim felt inadequate when
Jackie asked him to spend time with her. Rather than feeling inadequate, he
projected his inadequate feeling s onto her. He overreacted and blamed her
for thing s she had not done. His outburst was one of his many ways of
protecting himself, causing emotional chaos in the process. Emotional abuse is largely a pattern of behaviors used to protect the
abuser from painful feelings. As you have read, emotionally abusive men
are broken and hurting and often emotionally underdeveloped. Like little
boys, they act out their feelings rather than expressing them ef fectively . Imagine how the above scene  could have been handled effectively . What if Jim had said, “Honey , I know I don’t spend enough time with you. How about if I watch just one football game and we spend the rest of the
day doing something together? Could that work for you?”There. Problem solved. Nobody  gets their feelings hurt, and everyone
wins. Denial
If Jim would have approached his wife with vulnerability , the situation
would have gone smoothly . All he had to do was admit to wrongdoing, and
life would likely have moved forward. There’ s the crucial hitch. In this win-win scenario, Jim admits to being
less than perfect. He is vulnerable and kind. He takes note of her feelings. He admits that he has failed—something emotionally abusive men don’ t do. A man in denial can’t admit his weaknesses, and this is a huge issue. Remember , he doesn’ t want to feel healthy shame, so he goes to great
lengths to avoid those painful feelings. Subsequently , his reactions and
defenses become the issue rather than her pain. Denial—avoidance of feeling healthy shame—is a powerful enemy of
healthy marriag es. Denial keeps Jim from facing his weak nesses and
working with Jackie on solutions that will work for both of them. Denial
keeps him in self-protection mode. It keeps him always pushing Jackie
away and finding fault in her rather than himself. Denial is the highest form of self-protection, and it works—but it
creates abject chaos in the proce ss. Blaming Jackie keeps the onus off him. Gaslighting so that she question s herself keeps her from finding fault with
him. Ranting and raving keeps her on her toes so that she is never too
critical of him. Jim’s actions work, but with a huge price tag—intimacy , trust, and
connection are lost. Additionally , he remains stuck in his immaturity . Her Denial T oo
Jackie simply wants a connectio n to Jim. She is not out to make him the
bad guy. She wants him to do what everyone wants their mate to do—to
take responsibility for his actions so they can effectively solve problems
and grow together . Moreover , she wants him to make reparative actions for his wrongdoing
so they can remain connected. This, however , takes emotion al honesty ,which is something he doesn’ t possess. Jackie also wants to be accepte d. She walks on eggshells so she won’ t
take the brunt of his criticism, victim stance, and blame shifti ng. Though
tempted at times to explode at Jim, she stuffs her feelings in an attempt to
save their marriage. Sadly , Jackie has not grappled with, or come to accept, the fact that she
will not receive Jim’s acceptanc e the way their relationship is working. She
has not reconciled herself with the fact that Jim is broken, wounded, and
hurting and cann ot give the acceptance she deserves and needs. She has not
faced the fact that change will only come with significant intervention. Just as Jim is in denial, Jackie is in denial as well. She lives with anxiety
and fear because she hopes beyond hope that Jim will wake up one day and
realize what he’s doing. Sadly , this is magical thinking. This cannot happen
without an intervention. She cannot receive something he cannot now give. She cannot extract from him something he is ill-equipped to give. She must
ready herself for the intervention that leads to the possibility of change. Are you at the point of an intervention? Are you ready to break out of
denial and into the possibility of real change? If you are tired of living the
way you’ve been living and desperately want change, you may be ready to
insist upon change. Signs of T imes for Change
Before Jackie can be ready for change, she must come out of denial. She
must face her signs of distress. The truth certainly will set us free, but not
before it scares the daylights out of us. We all must know when we are in
emotional trouble. How can you know when you are being emotionally abused? Abby Rodman, in a wonderful article titled “You’re Not Going Crazy: 5
Sure Signs You’re Being Emotionally Abused,” cited five ways to
recognize if you are being emotionally abused. 1. You receive discouragement rather than support . Look for patterns. Do you receive more discouragement than encouragement and
support? This is a danger sign.2. You receive criticism rather than admiration . Are you constantly
criticized? Remember that ongoing criticism erodes self-esteem and
positive connection. Criticism tears down one’ s emotional well-being. This is a serious danger sign. 3. You receive indiffer ence rather than empathy . Does he tune in and
attend to your joys and sorrows? If not, you’re in trouble. Accurate
empathy heals and brings connection, while indif ference creates
disconnection. 4. You live in chaos rather than balance . Does he bring emotional
stability to the relationship? Life should be lived in peacefulness. Chaos creates tension and anxiety and is a particularly concerning
danger sign. 5. He assigns blame rather than taking r esponsibility . Relationships
need ongoing reparative work. Couples must be well equipped to say
“I’m sorry” and then take restorative action. Our sorrow should lead
to change and repair . This is a strong danger sign.3
Those are certainly five quick ways to determine if it is time for change
in the way you relate to each other . These signs are indicato rs that your
marriage may be fraught with emotional abuse. The Power of Intervention
What should you do if you see your life in these many faces of
emotional abuse ? What should you do if you noted a numbe r of danger
signs in your relationship? It is up to you to take action. You don’t have to settle for abuse, nor do
you have to go to the other extreme of giving up on your relationship. Rather , there is power in intervention. What exactly is an intervention? First, here is what intervention is not. Intervention is not fighting fire
with fire. In other words, it’s not becoming angry and sarcastic with him.It’s not developing a rebellious and resentful attitude. This harms you far
more than it impacts him. Intervention is also not becoming reactive. It is not being impulsive and
making decision s likely to hurt everyone. An intervention is not easy, and it
takes great courage. Intervention, in simplest terms , is making decisions to stop harmful
actions. Intervention is refusing to tolerate harmful behavior , making strong
decisions to manage your life more effectively . Perhaps an example will
help. Jackie worked with me on constructing an intervention for Jim’s
hostility . I asked her about the exact nature of his hostility so we could more
effectively design an intervention. “He gets short with me when he feels impatient. When things don’t go
the way he wants, he criticizes me.”
“Okay ,” I said. “How about this? Let him know you will no longer
tolerate his criticism. Let him know you will listen to his concerns only
when he brings them to you respectfully .”
“He’ll probably simply ignore me,” she said. “Very possibly , at least at first,” I said. “But if you pract ice this
consistently , regardless of where or when it happens, I’m sure you will have
an impact. In fact, if it happens in public, let him know you wish to be taken
home immediately . Then let him know you expect an apology .”
“I don’ t think he will go for this,” she said softly . “He probably won’t at first,” I said. “Perhaps not ever. But you will
have done all you can to bring about change. He will know when he has
offended you, and he’ll have a clear choice to change or not.”
“One final thought,” I added. “Remember that you are changing you,
not him. You are managing your behavior . Your success hinges on how you
have accomplished your goals, not whether he changes.”
Jackie liked that concept. Accountability
Intervention is powerful, but it must be coupled with another important
step—accountability . I am surprised to notice how few couples weave
accountability into their relationship.Change rarely occurs easily . Stopping emotional abuse is like stopping a
moving freight train. Emotionally abusive men have practiced unhealthy
patterns of behavior for years, so change will not come easily . But it can
happen. Here’ s what I mean by accou ntability . You must establish a clear
boundary—what you will and will not tolerate—and then manage that
boundary ef fectively . I’ll share an example from my life. Some time ago my wife, Christie,
told me she felt unsafe with my driving, asking me to use my blinkers and
to come to a full stop at stop signs. I must admit I didn’ t take kindly to her request. I felt restricted and
confused. Why did she need me to use my blinkers at every turn? Was she
trying to control me? Maybe, but that didn’ t make sense. She had no need to
be controlling. But I didn’ t want to accept that she didn’ t feel safe with my
driving. Of course, she was right to tell me about her fears, regardless of my
experiencing a bit of restriction. True empathy required me to stop playing
the victim, feel her feelings, and honor her request, which I have done
(mostly). Enter accountability . A short time ago she reminded me of my
agreement to attend to her feelings. She reminded me that I could choose to
have her ride with me and feel safe, or we could drive separately . Point
made! Her accountability was a gift and brought about lasting change. The Path Forward
Emotional abuse , whether overt or covert, is powerfully damaging. For
your health, it must stop. When you are connected to someone covertly
manipulative and silently and secretly devious, you are being victimized. You deserve a life of safety , protection, and honor . Understanding the emotionally abusive tactics in this chapter will help
you take decisive steps to stand against them. Knowledge is power . Are you
ready for an intervention? Are you prepared to hold your man accountable
for depth change? Y ou are worthy of such change. The covert emotionally abusive tactics mentioned in this chapte r are not
our only focus. Let’s now move forward and learn about secondaryemotional abuse. OceanofPDF .com7
ENABLING AS SECONDARY ABUSE
The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do
nothing . EDMUND BURKE
Gina spends most days alone in a small, one-bedroom apartment. What would make this bright , 47-year -old mother of three grown
children choose to live alone, well below her customary standard of living? “My husband was so abusive I simply couldn’ t stay any longer ,” she
told me. “It’s the hardest decisi on I’ve ever made. He’s still in our family
home because he refused to leave. I told him that if he wasn ’t going to
leave, I was. I was not going to live under his domination any longer . I was
slowly dying.”
Gina was angry . “Our kids think I’m overreactin g and see their dad as the victim, and I
don’t really care. They will figure it out for themselves someday .”
“What happened to bring you to this point?” I asked. “I couldn’ t take it anymore,” she said. “Karl is so incredibly rigid. He
hasn’ t apologized for one thing in our entire marriage. Nothin g I ever did
was ever good enough. I was afraid I was losing my mind.”
“How do you feel now?” I asked. “Sad,” she said, looking away . “My kids blame me. They think I should
go back home, but I can’t. They don’t really see what he’s done,  and he sureisn’t going to explain it to them . He’s filling the kids’ heads with garbage
about me. He complains about his life and makes it sound like I’m crazy .”
She paused. “Why do you say that?” I asked. “He doesn’t take responsibility for any of this,” she said. “He’ s in denial
about it all. He’s told all our friends and family some story , like ‘I wasn’ t
the husb and I should have been ,’ but no more. He doesn’ t tell them about
his perfe ctionism. He doesn’ t tell them that he had me on a budget for 20
years. He doesn’ t tell them abou t all the rules he made up. He acts like he’s
the victim. He’ s proud of himself for admitting that much. ‘Poor me.’”
“What do your friends and family think?” I asked. “They’ve seen some of what he does, but not much,” she said. “They
aren’ t going to confront him. I think they’re afraid to stick their noses into
our lives . Our friends don’t say anything, his family supports him, and our
church family doesn’ t want to get involved. Our pastor says he’ s praying for
us.”
“What you’re describing is known as secondary abuse , Gina,” I said. “Secondary abuse is when others stand by and allow you to be abused. Secondary abuse is when pastors, therapists, friends, and family refuse to
take a stand against abuse, leaving the victim to fend for herself.”
“Well, it’s horrible,” she said. “I feel more alone now than when I was
with my husband. I’m really starting to doubt myself.”
A New Kind of Alone
Gina is experien cing a new kind of alone and a new kind of abuse. Not
only must she recover from the years of emotional abuse, she must do it
largely alone—at least until she finds support. When family and friends
stand by and watch abuse happening without taking a stand, they enable
abuse. These are strong words. You may have to sit back and reflect on this. You may even disagree with me. But watching a friend or loved one take
the blame for something that is not their responsibility is wrong—and it is
abusive. That is what this chapter is about—enabling as a form of abuse. Gina shared how she felt painfu lly alone in her marriage. Surrounding
herself with her children and their activities had insulated her from some ofthe emotional abuse from her businessman husband. Deep down, however ,
she knew she felt an ache in her heart. “When our youngest child left home, I couldn’ t hold it together any
longer ,” she shared. “Karl ran our home like he ran his real estate company . He ordered me around and expected everything to be the way he wanted it
to be.”
“How is he with the kids?” I asked. She paused. “The kids love their father ,” she said. “He gives them anythi ng they
want. But he’s also tough on them. They were afraid of him and did
whatever he demanded of them while they were growing up.”
“And how was he with your parenting?” I asked. “He has always undermined my authority with them, and I pretty much
gave up trying to be the type of mother I wanted to be. I became a Stepford
wife. I felt like a robot doing exactly what he wanted me to do. I’ve felt so
painfully alone in my marriage, and now I’m a new kind of alone. Maybe
it’s good though. Maybe now I can rediscover who I was really made to be,
not just who he defined me to be.”
“You waited until your children were grown,” I observed. “My children mean everything to me,” she said. “I just didn’ t want to
break up the family. They didn’ t see much of what was going on, or at least
they don’t act like they saw it. Maybe they know more than I think. I know
my friends and church family don’t see it. I worked pretty hard to hide it. Everyone is in massive denial.”
Betrayal
Betrayal is particularly painful. It’s often a part of the enabling  process
and thus a part of abuse. When you are in emotional pain and others refuse
to acknowledge it, you feel incredibly alone and betrayed. To say, “I feel betrayed” may be hard for you. It may be hard to even
acknowledge this is one of your feelings. Who wants to look at their mate,
family , and friends and acknowledge they’ve been betrayed? No one. We expe ct loyal ty from those we care about. We expect them to stand
by us in good times and in bad. When times are tough, we really expectfamily and friends to come to our rescue. When they don’t, we feel a deep
sense of violation and betrayal. You might be tempted to let people off the hook. “They’re doing the
best they can,” you think. “The y don’t want to choose sides and are in a
difficult spot.”
Perhaps it’s true. Yet there comes a time when it is critical to take a
stand. When it comes to mistreatment, it’s important to stand by friends or
family . To fail to do so is betrayal—and that causes deep pain and is a form
of secondary abuse. As much as we might not want to, we must acknowledge betrayal. When using the word “betrayal,” most think of a major incident, such as an
affair. Mira Kirshenbaum, in her book I Love You, but I Don’ t Trust You,
describes betrayal:
You have an expectation of someone—a normal, reasonable
expectation—and the other person violates it…Betrayal is a kind
of reliab ility breakdown…Which is worse, one big betrayal or a
seemingly endless series of little betrayals? If you were about to
say one big betrayal and then hesitated, good for you. Of course
anything can happen with any two people. But in general,
relationships have an easier time dealing with one big betraya l
than an endless series of little ones.1
Secondary abuse is about a series of betrayals. It is about friends who
choose to believe you are more  the perpetrator than the victim . It is about
family who chooses to see you as more the instigator of troub le than the
victim of it. Secondary abuse is about a pastor and church body who don’t
want to hear about emotional abuse because it’ s uncomfortable for them and
insist you haven’ t given him enough of a chance. This all equates to a massive, ongoing series of betrayals. Turning A way
Before we beco me too critical of all these people who turn away from
the victim of emotional abuse, let’ s try to understand what is going on.Why would friends turn away from friends? Why might family turn
away from family? Why might a church body turn away from one of their
members? Again, the answer is not simple. Dr. Gregory Jantz helps us understand what might be happening. Emotional abuse is all around us and yet may be so common it is ignored. Dr. Jantz, author of “Have We Learned to Ignore Emotional Abuse?” thinks
part of the answer lies in the commonality of emotional abuse. Being part of the cultural, social, and personal landscape, it has
come to be ignored. As long as anyone can remember , Grandpa
talked that way to Dad, who talked that way to Junior , who in
turn talks that way to his own kids.2
Jantz goes on to illustrate the phenomenon of so many people  turning
their heads and ignoring emotio nal abuse, which leads to secon dary abuse. Or perhaps worse, not turning their heads and allowing emotio nal abuse to
happen under their noses. He points out that television has always promoted
emotional abuse with characters like Archie Bunker from All in the Famil y,
Al Bundy in Married with Childr en, and Homer Simpson in The Simpsons
—all of whom were foul-tempe red and sarcastic and exhibited verbal put-
downs. Archie, Al, and Homer have all been popular and have made us laugh,
albeit inappropriately . We emotionally turned away from the emotional
abuse. We stood by as the women and children in these scenes suffered
from primary and secondary abuse. Consider that each time we laugh, turn away from, ignore, or stand by
idly, we particip ate in the secon dary abuse. Each time we watc h, we forget
someone is being harmed, someone is being emotionally abused. Enabling
Turning away at the sight of discomfort is nothing new. Throughout
history we have  turned our head s and pretended not to see horror . Whether
it has been on a global scale (the Holocaust and ongoing genocides), ournational level (slavery and continuing racism), or within our communities
(commercially sanctioned addictions), we know about enabling. Enabling is not a new concept. When used in a positive conno tation it
can mean helping someone achie ve what they want to accomplis h. Enabling
can be empowering. When used regarding abuse, of course, it’ s not positive. Enabling dysfunctional behavior is very detrimental, occurring when
third parties take responsibility  for someone’ s problems or when others
make excuses or accommodations for a person’ s harmful behavior . At first glance, enabling may seem benign, but it is anything but that. Here are just a few of its serious ramifications worth considering. 1. Someone else often takes r esponsibility for the pr oblem . The guilty
individual is spared from taking full responsibility for their behavior . In fact, the innocent person often takes the blame. 2. Accommodations and excuses ar e made for the dysfunctional
behavior . The dysfunctional behavior (abuse) is strengthened when
it’s allowed to continue and even be reinforced. Change cannot occur
where there is enabling. 3. The guilty person then doesn’ t have to take r esponsibility for their
troubling behavior . Since the guilty person’ s behavior (abuse) is
enabled, they don’ t have to take responsibility for it and change. Without taking responsibility , change cannot occur . What is not
confronted is rarely owned, and what you don’ t own and take full
responsibility for , you don’ t change. 4. From a br oader perspective, the tr oubling behavior leads to gr eater
societal pr oblems . The problem, multiplied, becomes a lar ger issue. Society is harmed when troubling behavior (abuse) is allowed to
continue. Let’s now take a closer look at what happens when abuse is enabled. Enabling AbuseI make no apologies if at this point you are starting to become
uncomfortable. It’s okay . We’ve all participated in secondary abuse to the
extent that we’v e not intervened for a victim. It was easier to go along with
the crowd than to stand up for the real victim. It’s easy to enable abuse. It’s easy to stand by and act as if we don’t see
what is going on, or perhaps we are so deep in our own denial that we really
don’t see what is happening. A short time ago my wife and I were traveling and came upon a young
couple who were obviously fighting. The angry man was standing over the
young woman, yelling at her . She cupped her head and was sobbing. I slowed for the briefest of moments, feeling uneasy and awkward. I felt
sorry for the young woman but did nothing. I was angry with the man but
did nothing. After my momentary pause, I kept walking. “It’s not my business,” I thought. “Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks. Maybe this is a rare and unfortunate moment, and they will be back to
normal soon. Regardless, it’ s not my business.”
Certainly you’ve been in similar circumstances. You’ve overheard a
man yelling at a woman and have done nothing. You’ve stood by instead of
intervening, because that’s what we do. As a result, you and I have allowed
victims to suf fer. Did I do the right or wrong thing on that street that day? Should I have
asked if she needed help? Whe n you faced similar circumstances, should
you have intervened? These kinds of decisions are not easy to make. I don’t know that I
would do anyth ing different if I were to happen upon a simil ar situation
today . Stepping into a volatile situation of any kind places us in harm’ s way. Most often we’d rather pretend nothing bad is happening and go on with
our lives. Let’s reconsider Gina’ s situation. She raised a family in an abusiv e home. She held it together . Once the
children were gone, she made  a decision to change her life. She had
cultivated a quiet yet powerful conviction of right and wrong  that would
urge her into her new life. Now she is alone, working every day and trying to recover from years
of abuse . No one asks how bad it was to live with her abusive husband. No
one probes for details on why she left. The circle of people who enabled herabuse is wide and deep. She tries not to be resentful toward those who could
have helped, but she doesn’ t always win that battle. Few reach out to her. Few ask what happened. Few want to get their
hands dirty by standing up for what is right. This is the power and impact of
enabling secondary abuse. Scapegoating and T riangulation
I spoke about scapegoating in the last chapter , but the topic deserves far
more attention. Remember that scapegoating occurs when the abuser allows
the abused to have the negative reputation the abuser deserves. Scapegoating occurs when he points the blame at her and then refuses to
take responsibility while she suffers. Scapegoating occurs when the
perpetrator stands by, soaking up positive impressions, and encourages the
victim to be seen as the troublemaker . The process of scapegoating occurs through the power of triangulation ,
the process where one person experiences conflict with another but goes to
a third person to discuss the problem, forming a triangle. Gossip is the fuel
that keeps the triangulation and scapegoating alive. Scapegoating and triangulation  are always destructive. Triangulation
often involves playing one person against another , creating even more hard
feelings. Scapeg oating and triangulation occur when the perpetrator goes to
others and plays  the victim. The real victim is talked about negatively and
cast in the darkest light. The perpetrator gathers people on his side while the
victim suf fers secondary abuse. This is clearly not what Jesus intended. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there
remember that your brother or sister has something against you,
leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be
reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift (Matthew
5:23-24). We are always to go directly to the one with whom we have an issue. Gossip is not only frowned upon, but forbidden. Gossip enables
scapegoating and promotes triangulation, which leads to secondary abuse.Enabling Abusive Families
Families, unfortunately , are breeding grounds for enabling secondary
abuse. It is here, within the family, that most of the unhealthy patterns of
interaction are learned. Familie s with poor boundaries, where people talk
about other people behind their backs, are breeding grounds for secondary
abuse. If you were raised in a family  where people gossiped about others,
criticized others behind their backs, and seemed to have little problem
doing so, you know what I mean. You know the vicious power and impact
of talkin g behin d a brother ’s or sister ’s back. You also know how natural
and commonpla ce such gossip is. What may seem innocuous is anything
but that. Why is gossip and secondary abuse so common in families? Families,
like friends and other groups, see what they want to see. If they’ve been
functioning without healthy boundaries, change is not likely to occur . They
may, in fact, see little wrong with what they are doing. Families have patterned ways of interacting, and quite often these
patterns are dysfunctional. Consider some of the hurtful ways families
interact and enable abuse. • Excessive ar guing . Arguing doesn’ t solve problems. Instead, it creates
even more problems. Ar guing hurts everyone involved and is very
unhealthy . Take a moment to reflect on a situation where an ar gument
erupted and the impact it had on you and your feelings of safety . • Excessive criticism . Criticism, as we know , is an unhealthy way to
attempt to facilitate change. Criticism does nothing to bring about
effective change; instead, it hurts the person being criticized. Reflect
on a time when you were criticized and the impact it had upon your
self-esteem. • Excessive contr ol. People need to experience individuality . Families
with excessive control restrict autonomy and creativity . When has your
individuality been compromised by someone’ s need for excessive
control?• Excessive r eligiosity . Open expression of faith, including the freedom
to express diver gent opinions, is healthy . However , religiosity breeds
rigidity and conformity . Has anyone ever forced their beliefs on you? How did that af fect your personal faith life? Each of these examples points to ways abuse is enabled. These
situations, found  in many famil ies, create a lack of safety and are likely to
result in someone being emotionally abused. It will be impo rtant to be
honest with yourself about whether these traits exist in your family . If they
do, you need to be honest with yourself and consider changes that must be
made. Your family, like mine, has been  functioning in much the same way for
years. While we may want them  to be different, changing a family is like
diverting the Columbia River— it’s not likely to happen easily . Be prepared
to put in some hard work to create change in a family system. While change is not easy, we can be different within our family . We
cannot change others, but we can make healthier choices in our family and
notice that when we change, others are likely to change as well. Again,
however , we must be honest about what is happening in our family . It’s easy to see what we want to see. Candace Love, in her book No
More Narcissists , says, “The trap of paying attention to only what we want
or how we want things to be will come back to bite us every time.”3
Love goes on to talk about having healthy boundaries, not only with
narcissists and emotionally abusive people but also with those who
perpetrate secondary abuse. Having healthy boundaries means you have clearly defined your
boundaries to yourself and others. When you have healthy
boundaries, you don’t let people violate them, and if they do,
you stand up for yourself and firmly tell them you won’ t tolerate
this kind of behavior . Standing up for yourself demonstrates that
you respect yourself and that you expect others to respect you as
well.4When we maintain healthy boundaries, we will not stand by and allow
family or friends to be abused. We will be courageous enough to really see
what is taking place and take appropriate action. Secondary abuse ends
when we speak out for the victim. Fickle Friends
Sadly , secondary abuse is not limited to families. It occurs among
friends as well. Remember that secondary abuse occurs anytime someone
stands by and allows or enables abuse to occur . Failure to intervene in
abusive situations is to enable the abuse to occur . Who has not been betrayed by someone they thought was their friend? Who has not been deeply hurt, perhaps abused, and expected  friends to
come to their assistance? Most of us, at some time, have had an experience
of being betrayed by someone we trusted. I’m reminded of the biblical story of Job. We find him living a
blameless life. He is wealthy , with thousands of sheep, camels , and oxen,
and he is considered “the greate st man among all the peoples of the East”
(Job 1:3). Satan enters the scene and taunts God, suggesting Job reveres God only
because of how much he is blessed. God accepts the challenge and allows
Satan to cause unimaginable destruction to come into Job’s life, who
subsequently loses all his riches  and even his children. Still he continues to
bless God. Job’s righteous response seems  to confound his friends, who come to
him in compassion and sit in silence with him for seven days. Unfortunately , when Job finally  opens his mouth, they do too, tormenting
him with accusa tions that he brought his ruin upon himself. Those he had
trusted have come to offer help, but they betray him. (Many have had
similar experiences with friends whose advice was far less than helpful.) The story of Job has a happy ending. Job, who gives God the glory for
giving and taking away , is richly rewarded for his faithfulness . God gives
back to Job twice as much as he had before. Job was an incredible man and is an inspiration to all of us. Even when
he was betrayed by friends and family , even when he suffered from
gossipers and those who falsely labeled him a perpetrator of wrongdoing,he continued to bless God. Though crushed by those he trusted, he
maintained a steadfast faith. Perhaps you can relate. You’ve had fickle
friends who have hurt you. Job’s story also demonstrates the harmful impact of fickle friends. Job
needed people who would comf ort him, show compassion, and validate his
experience. Y ou need those people too. T o do the dif ficult work discussed in
this book, you will need the support of good friends. Supportive friends. Friends who get it. Lundy Bancroft , in his book Should I Stay or Should I Go?, points out
this need for support. Choose someone who believes in you…Y ou need to share your
dreams with someone who is not your partner . There will be
important work ahead that will involve your partner , and there
will be a time, soon, when you might insist that he show you that
he’s going to be an active support for your dreams and goals. But for the work we’re doing right now, find another friend, one
who can focus solely on your dreams.5
Bancroft also shares some of the struggles you will face with family and
friends—struggles that lead to secondary abuse. You may experience that certain relationships with relatives or
friends get more dif ficult as you become increasingly clear about
what you need to have happen with your partner . Your choice s
might not make sense or seem right to them, depending on their
own ways of looking at emotional disturbances, abusive
attitudes, and addiction. If your partner has had a manipulative
style, telling people lies or disto rting things about you, you may
have the additional challenge of having to unravel the messes he
has made for you.6
Bancroft offers wise counsel when friends or family turn against you.
_OceanofPDF.com_When_Loving_Him_is_Hurting_You_-_David_Hawkins.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        He is
completely bound up in his own world and accomplishments and is
unable to focus on you, your feelings, and what matters most to you. 3. You feel engulfed by the r elationship. Being excessively demanding,
the narcissist takes over your life. He pushes for attention and
admiration and steals your ener gy. You walk on eggshells trying to
please him and keep him satisfied. 4. You’ve begun to compr omise your personal integrity and values. You’ve begun tolerating bad behavior. You may have compromised
your values and begun watching pornography with your husband,
allowing him to use vulgar language with you, or tolerating other
abusive behaviors you swore you would never tolerate. 5. You feel unworthy due to your partner ’s name-calling. Your mate has
found it easier and easier to call you names when threatened or upset. Name-calling is abusive and belittling. Over time, the name-calling
tears at your self-esteem and feelings for him. 6. You ar e exhausted by the r epeated cycles of hurt and r escue. The
narcissist causes you stress and anxiety and then does something to
relieve that anxiety. He may give you the silent treatment or may
completely shift and become charming and engaging again. He may
threaten to leave you unless you change your behavior, and you
comply because this is so scary. 3
These signs offer a good summary of whether you are being abused. A
clear review of your symptoms is possibly the best diagnosis of whether
your mate is a narcissist or emotionally abusive. If you have any of the
above symptoms, you can be sure something is wrong. Understanding NVS
It is very difficult to fully understand NVS unless you have been there
or are there. I have spoken to thousands of women who have been
emotionally abused, but thankfully I have not experienced the abuse
personally. Lacking personal experience does not let anyone off the hook. When
Scripture asks, “Am I my brother ’s keeper. ” the appropriate response is a
resounding yes. Jesus said, “I was hungry and you gave me something to
eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and
you invited me in” (Matthew 25:35). Friends, family, and professionals helping the victim of narcissistic
abuse must understand the impact of the narcissist on the victim. We must
understand the narcissist functio ns on the emotional level of a six-year -old
—completely self-centered, personalizing anything that feels like criticism,
and projecting all blame onto the victim. We must all circle around the
victim to help mitigate the ongoing criticism, blame, and emotional chaos. As you seek understanding, remember that interacting with the
narcissist, especially when he feels threatened, will not bring aboutenlightenment. Rather, his response to anything threatening will be
defensive and will lead to more chaos, confusion, and attempt s to control
you. When confronted, he feels threatened and is likely to either attack or
withdraw. Grow ing and becoming healthier is not on his agenda—
protecting himself is his primary objective. Attempts to pull away will leave you feeling even more victimized. Lundy Bancroft mentions this in his book Why Does He Do That. If you… want to escape his abuse, you may find that you feel
guilty toward him, despite his treatment of you, and have
difficulty ending  the relationship as a result. You may feel that
because his life has been so hard, you are reluctant to add to his
pain by abandoning him. 4
This is not normal. Y ou should not have to worry about saving him. Y ou
should not feel guilty if you choose to set some distance between the two of
you so you can think straight. This is the roller coaster we’ve been talking
about thus far in the book. A Pr ofound Loss of Self and Identity
All of these syndromes—NVS, PTSD, and complex PTSD—involve a
profound loss of self and identity. What do I mean. If you have been  the victim of narcissistic and emotional abuse, you’ve
spent a lot of time and energy trying to avoid his criticism. You’ve worked
hard to avoid anger, resentment, and isolation. You have spent a lot of
emotional energy trying to second-guess what he’s thinking, feeling, and
going to do, and all of this clouds your ability to care for an important
person—you. Many victims of NVS share the following sentiments:
“I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am or what I like or what I want
to do with my life. I’ve spent so much time focusing on him that I’ve lost
myself. I’m just coping, hanging on. ”
Such statements  suggest the woman is experiencing a profound loss of
self. She’s lost a critical part of herself, and this loss is disorienting. Thisbasic aspect of her nature—her sense of self—has been shattere d and must
be rebuilt. Our core sense of self includes our ability to
think
feel
experience life
make decisions
discern what is best for us
impact others
determine our life’ s direction
dream and envision
choose new possibilities
Note the greatness of these aspects of our self. Created in the likeness of
God, we are majestic creatures. We have the profound ability to think,
evaluate, feel, and make decisions. We determine, in large part, the
direction of our lives. We impact our well-being while also impacting every
person we relate to, which is quite incredible. Now imagine all of these abilities have disappeared for the victim of
narcissistic abuse. Even though  you are experiencing deep sadness, loss,
confusion, and betrayal, you have lost something even more profound. Even
though you’ve learned to cope, accommodate, and adapt to your situation,
you have lost your self. Tools for Recovery
Thankfully, there are skills and strategies for recovery from NVS and
emotional abuse. We will focus on four power -packed tools to help you
regain your emotional balance and set you on the path to healing. Find Y our Lost Heart
For many years you’ve been told you are stupid and oversensitive and
your memory is faulty. You have been told you are overreactive  and overly
emotional and nothing about your core personhood is worth listening to or
caring about. None of this is true. God prizes women to the point of even being the last thing He created. He knew  man could not surviv e well on his own and created woman to
steward this planet together with him. Moreover, God has used women throughout history, and we have
poignant stories  about Miriam, Jael, Rahab, Abigail, Ruth, Esther, and
others who are woven into God’ s redemptive plan. Naomi seemed to have done everything right in her life, yet she was met
with one calamity after anothe r. She lost her husband, sons, home, and
friends. She had every reason to be despondent and discouraged. Did she
really live faithfully only to have God turn His back on her. No. As her story develops, we see God’ s plan unfold and her protection
revealed through her daughter -in-law, Ruth. We see how she could not
manage every detail of her life, but she trusted in the provision of God to
save her. We see a woman who remained faithful, allowing God to show
His love and care through Ruth. She learned a simple yet profound
principle: Our best course of action is to trust God and remain faithful (Ruth
4:14-15). You may need help in believing that principle again. You may have lost
trust due to suffering from NVS. You may need help to see your thoughts
are your own, your feelings are your own, and your dreams, desires, hopes,
and longings are your own. You may need help believing that God cares
about these things, that you are valued because you are a child of God. The first part of finding your heart means admitting you are hurt. Your
heart aches because of the abuse. You need to acknowledge that to yourself
and have  someone else sit with you and say, “That did hurt. You have been
hurt deeply. ”
You need to connect to your heart again and begin to trust your
perceptions and thoughts and feelings. This is where you get the footing to
grasp what God thinks of you, to find healing, and to release the narcissist’ s
control over you. Untangle the T rauma Bond
There comes a point in time when it is less frightening to go along with
what the narcissist says about you than it is for you to fight it or defend
yourself against it. Believing the narcissist becomes an easier choice. The
consequence, however, is to feel further hurt and trauma and loss of your
sense of self. Because you no longer trust your own judgment and are incredibly
weary, you give in. You become  even more emotionally dependent upon the
narcissist to control the relation ship, relying on him to stop the very harm
he uses to control you. That dependency, also called a trauma bond, is
cemented by moments of intermittent reward he throws in to keep you
hooked. That intermittent reward—the brief euphoric hit—is powerful. Subsequently, you will need to cultivate a growing sense of self-reliance
to help you see that pattern of abuse and reward—the trauma  bond. You
must examine this cyclical pattern of reward and abuse, noting you have  the
ability to stop the cycle and untangle the trauma bond. In addition to rediscovering your heart (what really matters to you) and
untangling the trauma bond, here’ s a third important strategy. Actively Disengage
This is hard to do. His behavior has, in many respects, destroy ed your
relationship. Since this is the case, you might think it would be simple to
disengage. That is not true. The narcissist is an expert at hooking the victim,
bringing her back into the brokenness to heap on even more brokenness, all
the while blaming her and demanding she fix what he broke. Many women find that a season  of no contact helps them to think more
clearly, regain their sense of self, and feel their own feelings once again. Whether this is a day, a week, or a month, it is the most effective way to
silence the emotional chaos so you can think clearly, engage more wisely,
and hold to your boundaries more consistently. No contact may mean not respo nding to his attempts to contact you and
reengage in the relationship. These are sometimes called hoover maneuvers
because he is likely trying to suction you up (like a vacuum cleaner) into
another cycle of abuse. These are his frightened attempts, born out of hisown insecurity, to manipulate you back into the relationship. Learn to calm
down your emotional system with self-soothing strategies (such as
meditation, grounding, and chan ging your self-talk) to alleviate your panic
so you can think more clearly and disengage from the narcissist’ s behavior. Know Who Y ou’re Dealing W ith
Remember you are dealing with someone who thrives on power and
control. He needs to be with someone he believes is of equal or lesser value
than himself to feel important. If you challenge these perceptions directly,
you will likely regret it. He is likely to respond vindictively. This is not to say you must always dance around him and his issues. As
I’ve said, beneath his tough exterior is a little boy who feels weak and
insecure. Choos e carefully when and how to confront him. Choose wisely
on what you confront, ensuring it is a battle you can win. Most important,  work at changing you. As you become healthi er, more
centered, and sure of yourself, he will feel that change. He may not initially
like it, but in time he may come to respect your boundaries more. As you
change, he will likely change as well. As your sense of self becomes
stronger, he will have a greater opportunity to change. At least he will begin
to notice you are not going to be bullied and will know you mean what you
are saying when you say no. Celebrating Life Again
When you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, it can be hard
to open yourself to love again. You have been hurt, and that hurt has likely
shattered your trust—both in yourself and others. Being with a narcissist can leave you emotionally scarred and scared. You can learn to trust again after you understand what happened to you. What drew you to the narcissist in the first place. What kinds of tactics did
he use, and how did you react. What has been the impact. Whether you choose to stay or leave, do your inner work. Become
stronger, clearer, and more resolved to regain your sense of self. Consider
who God has created you to be and His faithfulness in your life. Reflect onthe issues discussed in this chapter and how you have been impacted. Embrace the tools just discussed and practice them in your new life. It is time to begin celebrating life again. You can learn to trust yourself,
set boundaries on unhealthy actions, and treat yourself in more loving ways. A Path Forward
You have undoubtedly learne d a lot by now. Are you becoming
stronger. Do you feel more courageous and willing to make changes to
save your life. Y ou have one life to save, and that is your own. We are now moving forward and examining a central aspect of this
book—emotional abuse and its many faces. In learning what emotional
abuse looks like, you will be empowered to keep yourself safe and grow
beyond the abuse. OceanofPDF. comPART 2
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
OceanofPDF. com6
THE MANY FACES OF EMOTIONAL
ABUSE
Do not think of yourself mor e highly than you ought. ROMANS 12:3
Jim is a nice guy. I really like him. He is ambitious, having carved out a
very successful career at General Motors. He has been a loyal member of
the GM team for nearly 30 years, garnering the respect of many. Affable and caring, Jim didn’ t seem to fit the mold of the narcissistic
men I was accustomed to seeing. When interacting with me, he was
friendly, open, and excited about the next phase of his life. Jim was nearing  retirement. His exit plan was squarely in place, his nest
egg was impressive, and he was eyeing ways he could give more time and
expertise to his church and community. Jim proudly talked about his three grown children, successful and solid
Christians with spouses and children. He had helped his children with
college tuition and down payments on their first homes. He was not boastful
of the legacy he would leave behind. From the outside, Jim appeared to be living the dream. And he was—
with one except ion. He and his wife, Jackie, had a stormy relationship, and
it had been this way for the past ten years. “Well, Jackie and I live with constant tension,” he sheepishly admitted. “I can’t seem to please her, and I know I’m not happy with her. She alwaysseems angry with me, and I must admit being resentful of her. I don’t know
what I’m doing wrong, but she insisted I work with you. ”
“Why did she ask you to work with me, Jim. ” I asked. “I’m not really sure,” he said cautiously. “You’ll have to ask her. I’m
sure she’ll tell you. ”
“But I’d like to know why you think she asked you to work with me. ”
“She thinks I’m controlling and angry,” he said. “I think she’s angrier
than me. I’m angry that she is angry. ”
Jackie of fered a very dif ferent story. “Please don’t be fooled,” she said anxiously. “You’re our fourth
counselor, includ ing pastors, and they all think Jim is a saint. Of course, he
doesn’ t show his hostile side to them. I’m the only one who sees that. He
can be downright mean. If things don’ t go his way, he’ll pull away from me. He twists what I say and turns it back on me. Heaven forbid I dare criticize
him. ”
“Hasn’ t anyone held him accountable for these actions. ” I asked
incredulously. “No one sees it,” she said. “He looks good, acts good, and fools
everyone. I don’ t stand a chance. Please don’ t let him fool you too. ”
Jackie was anoth er woman anxiously hoping I wouldn’ t be fooled, as so
many others have also hoped. He Seems So Innocent
With few people really listening to their pain, and their mate having a
perfect presentation to others, it is no wonder abused women  are feeling
unheard. “He appears so innocent,” I frequently hear. In the past ten years of my
practice, I’ve worked with well over 4000 couples, and in most of those, the
men have had narcissistic and emotional abuse issues. The women, without
exception, said the behavior their husband displays to others appears so
charming, yet in private is phenomenally debilitating—to the point of
creating physical symptoms in the women. How is this possible. How can men like Jim seem so nice, be so kind to
so many people, and yet be labeled emotionally abusive. Let’s consider
these possibilities. First, emotional abuse  is subtle. Men like Jim may be part charming,
part cunning, and part oppressive. Their shadow side, unseen by many, can
include behavio rs such as pouting, stonewalling, and shifting the focus. At
first glance, these emotionally abusive behaviors can seem innocuous. You might be thinking, “Pouting is emotionally abusive. ” Yes. Pouting,
or passive-aggre ssive silence, done again and again, will create chaos in a
relationship. Stonewalling—refusing to talk about an issue—will do the
same. Add them together and you’ve got real trouble. Second, we are just now starting to recognize emotional abuse. Several
years ago we would never have  called these behaviors abusive. They were
either not labeled as troubling or were labeled merely as pet peeves. They
may have been lumped into a category of “men being men. ” But no, they
are not just troubling behaviors. They are abusive behaviors, stealing a
woman’ s sense of self. Third, our society wants to deny emotional abuse. Not only do we fail to
recognize or call out emotion al abuse, but worse, we deny  it when it
blatantly occurs. Unlike with physical violence, with a black eye or a
broken arm, there are no community resources available when emotional
violence occurs. Finally, very few trained clinicians are dealing with these issues. Emotional abuse  still receives little attention in therapy training programs. Domestic violen ce is still treated as acts of overt violence, while many
churches and communities resist talking openly about covert emotional
abuse. So you can see why so many women feel alone, abandoned, and
voiceless. You can understand why women such as Jackie swirl in feelings
of confusion, wondering if they are imagining a problem where none exists. Fooled
Jackie is profoundly alone. In a world just beginning to listen to
complaints of emotional abuse, she screams to be heard, all the while
feeling unheard. The many faces  of emotional abuse have indeed fooled a lot of people. Most don’ t recognize these faces. They are unfamiliar. Jackie shared her story. “I tell people in my Bible study about Jim withdrawing from me for
days when he gets mad, and they tell me they will pray for me. I tell them
he glares at me when I confront him about something small, and they tell
me things will work out. I want to scream. I don’t share much with them
anymore. ”
“Most people don’t consider these actions abusive,” I shared. “When
you tell people about Jim abandoning you emotionally, many see that
behavior as simply childish, not abusive. When you share about  him glaring
at you, they don’t fully appreciate the impact his intimidation has on your
emotional well-being. ”
“Try living with it every day,” she said piercingly. “Yes, that is what really make s it emotional abuse,” I said. “Those
behaviors are really harmful to you. Anyone would be wounded by those
behaviors. ”
Jackie seemed relieved to hear me say that. Few have given her that
comfort and validation. Bear in mind that Jim has a brighter side as well. Contrast his darker
behaviors with his healthier side. Remember he makes a fantastic salary at
GM and is generous with his wife, children, church, and community. He is
not a bad man. No one exper iences the weight of his emot ional abuse
except his wife. This is one of any victim’ s worst fears—that their mate’ s behavior will
fool others. Self-doubt is partic ularly perplexing. They fear they may be
exaggerating his behavior and overreacting. They also fear friends and
family will be fooled and they will be cast in a bad light (scapegoating)—
another covert emotionally abusive tactic where the man looks good and the
woman looks bad. Though many will be fooled, failing to see his abusive side, make no
mistake about the gravity of his actions. Emotional deprivatio n is brutal. Though many will never see them, his glares are not innocuous. His glares
are threatening. His glares create emotional instability and distance. His
glares reveal a hardened heart and give rise to other emotionally abusive,
egregious actions. Signs of Emotional AbuseThough many will be fooled, you can be informed. You can be an
individual who understands emotional abuse and the impact it has had on
your life. Havin g this knowledge, you are empowered to be a stronger and
fuller human being. One of the confu sing aspects of emotional abuse is that it is not easy to
recognize. Taking one incident at a time, emotional abuse may be mistaken
for an act of irresponsibility or immaturity—a harsh word here, a scolding
look there. It is all of that, but added together it’ s so much more. It is imperative  to understand that emotional abuse is not a singular
action, but rathe r a pattern of actions. Emotional abuse is not one glare or
angry outburst, but rather a pattern of glares, outbursts, neglect, and hurtful
behaviors. It is not an occasiona l sharp word spoken, but rather a pattern of
hurtful, damagin g words spoken consistently. Emotional abuse is a plethora
of behaviors, comments, and attitudes that create a profound lack of safety
for the victim. The abusive behaviors develop into patterns or cycles. If there is a rare
apology, remorse is fleeting, change does not occur, and the victim feels no
safer. With this in mind, let’s learn more about what exactly constitutes
emotional abuse. Emotional abuse  is defined as any coercive and threatening behavior or
action used to control or manipulate how another will think or behave. These actions are strategically used to force another into think ing what is
acceptable or not acceptable according to the abusive individual. Focus on the Family has taken  this position: “Emotional abuse is any
nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates,
demeans, punish es or isolates another person by degradation, humiliation or
fear. ”1
What are some ways this is done. 1. Hyper criticism. Can you imagine living with constant criticism. Can
you imagine living with someone who is never satisfied with your
actions. Emotional abuse occurs when one lives with constant
criticism. 2. Humiliation. Living with criticism is one thing, but it’ s quite another
to feel another ’s contempt or ridicule. “Why did you do it that way. ”
“Why would you ever do that. ” Humiliation degrades another and
steals their sense of well-being.
By being excessively demanding and stealing the victim's energy.
What is one of the ways a narcissist can control and manipulate a relationship?
The loss of self-esteem and a sense of unworthiness.
What is the consequence of the victim's loss of self-esteem due to name-calling by their partner?
The author emphasizes that enabling secondary abuse by not intervening or taking a stand against abuse enables the abuser and perpetuates the cycle of abuse.
What is the author's message about enabling secondary abuse?
The author advises that one should not feel guilty about setting boundaries and prioritizing their own needs, and instead, focus on rediscovering their sense of self and regaining control over their life.
What is the author's advice on how to handle an abusive relationship?
The author warns that confronting a narcissist will not lead to enlightenment, as they will likely respond defensively and try to control the situation, leading to more chaos and confusion.
What is the author's warning about confronting a narcissist?