If you were
married, if you had children, if you had a mortgage, and if you had a
boss, let’s see how happy you would be then.” Well, it would be really
strange if God would set up a world where some people could have
fortunate circum stances and other people could have unfortunate
circumstances. Wouldn’ t it be much more reasonable to think that
whatever world we are perceiving is there by our own choice? We have
chosen our life the way we know it. We built it. It is like the little child
with the building blocks, making a castle, making a little fort or
something, building, and then looking at what has been built. There is
really no point in lamenting circumstances. They are there by decision. On an unconscious level, they have been chosen. We chose everything inour movie the way we preferred  it. Even if it seems undesirable to us, on
some level, our ego-self wanted it that way. And, of course, this is why
you can learn to choose again. You are not locked into circum stances,
but by choosing peace more and more consistently , you get a whole new
experience of all circumstances  and situations. When the woman who
feels lonely focuses on gettin g in touch with her core desire, the
experience she wants, rather than on the external circumstances, she will
find present connection and fulfillment and therefore cultivate a
consistent and stable experience of peace of mind that is not dependent
on outer circumstances. The Power of Wanting
If everything that we experience  is there because on some level we want
it, it follows that nothing that we experience is apart from our wanting it
that particular way. Thus, instead of dwelling on weakness, it is
important to see how powerful our mind is. Even what we call chitter -
chatter , the crazy static in the mind that you’ve been telling to just go
away , has its powerful effects on the way we perceive the world around
us. Once we start to acknowledge the power of our wanting and the
power of our prayer , then we can start to go deeper inward, asking,
“Hmmm… Wha t is it really that I want? What is my priority?” As we go
deeper inward with that, we start to realize that we really want to use the
power of our wanting and direct it toward peace of mind. Wha t trinkets
of the world could you possibly want if you had the option of choosing
peace of mind? Everlasting peace! I had a friend who once asked me, “If
I open my mind  to God, can I still have my Maserati?” I said “Well, you
just have to get really clear about what matters most to you. What do you
really , really want?” Once you get into the power of your wanting, you
start to use discr imination. And that is where we’re going, to that zone of
discernment, funneling more and more to a place of realizing, “Oh, I
want a state of mind. What I really want is the peace of God.”
To say the words, “I want peace,” actually means nothing. But to
mean them is everything. We need to be in touch with what we wantbecause there are no spiritual clichés or phrases that can magically bring
us real peace. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, all that she had to do
was click her heels together , the little ruby red slippers, three times, and
say the words, “There’ s no place like home,” to go home! In one sense,
Glinda the Good Witch is the Holy Spirit speaking, “You always had the
power to go Home,” and that is true. But “wanting peace” is really
beyond a catchphrase, knowing the right mantra, or saying the right
words in just the right way . The experience of peace is not found in some
“abracadabra” where we’ve got to say just the right words to unlock the
spell. Instead, we have to cultiv ate the good habit of turning to our heart
within and really being sincere about this wanting. Ask your heart,
“What is it that I really , really want?” We don’t get to Heaven when we
die, because Heaven is a state of mind, a state of peace that is available
in the present. A Present Peace
Once we do our inner inquiry , we can open up to the choice for real
peace. This is a perspective that veers away from modern forms of
spirituality that often focus on “creating your own reality or
manifesting!” It differs from many of the psychotherapies and
counseling practices that guide you into your past to get in touch with
unconscious memories and events that are believed to be the cause of
your problems. The truth is, nothing in your past or your future is
causing any problem. This may seem radical to you, especially if you
have focused on, and even gotten in touch with, painful memories or
trauma. Unveilin g repressed memories can be a very important stepping-
stone in your healing and is not to be disregarded. These memories can
be essential inroads to the deeper healing of your mind and opening in
awareness. But remember: your egoic mind wanted every experience it
ever had, and now the best you can do is to let those experiences be your
inroads to the fundamental problem of separation, to heal your way back
to who you really are. The discovery of the power of our mind is essential in learning to
see that our thoughts always give us an experience of either peace or
turmoil. Peace of mind—as well as guilt, fear, and anger—is based on apresent decision , a decision you are making this very instant. Instead of
going on a witch-hunt into your past, or trying to affirm a better future,
the focus is on a present decision for peace. In A Course in Miracles, Jesus says: “One thing you must learn
about the goals the ego has given you, is that when you have achieved
them they have not satisfied you.” Think of all the goals we set. We are
told that goal setting is good, right? So, what are you if you don’t have
any goals? A lazy, no-good, rotten bum! Now , you are working with the
Course,  and what is it asking you to do? Give up all of the goals! Living
as if you are giving up all of your goals except for the one single goal of
present peace can take a while. We associate goals with the future, so
present peace feels like a very different kind of goal. That’ s why it can
be a bit difficult  in the beginning . Also, you can bank on hearing the ego
say, “Oh, come on, what a waste! You could be doing somethi ng really
productive. Present peace?” That’ s what you will have to face. And, as
long as you entertain that doubt thought, guess what? The world is going
to act it out for you. It might be from your parents, your neighbors, or
your spouse, “What? What’ s your goal? Your goal is present peace?”
Anyone can act it out for you because the world you perceive is a
reflection of your beliefs. So, if you have doubt thoughts about present
peace, guess where they’re going to show up: everywhere! When we accept that it is our divine birthright to be in a consistent
state of peace, we are taken in a whole new direction. We start to
acknowledge our true strength, and that strength is freedo m. The
thoughts of the ego, the thoug hts of temptation, can’t ever enter our
pristine, holy mind here. The light becomes so strong and so bright that
the thoughts of the ego can’ t even enter! Being Vigilant for Peace
Along the way, there are many instances where we can watch how part
of our mind wants to stray away  from the peace we are beginning to get
in touch  with. These moments of the journey are important as they are
opportunities to allow the fear to come up while still being able to follow
what our hearts are really telling us to do. As we trust the voice inside, orthe feeling inside our heart, we strengthen our trust in our direction
toward peace. This world is made up of countless distractions and tempo rary
pleasures to feel good for a short period of time. When we realize that
indulging in temporary pleasur e is an obstacle to a state of consistent
peace, we recognize that we need to take a deep look at what we choose
on a day-to-day , moment-to-mo ment basis. Our true purpose is to be
happy , not to achieve things or accumulate possessions. Understanding
that leads to peace of mind. The experience of freedom is of the mind
and not circumstance dependent in any way . We can get clear on what the ego is and then pull our mind back
from it, reclaiming the peace in the present moment. In other words, take
the juice away from the ego and reclaim the power of the mind by
consistently choosing peace. For as long as we think the ego has
something of value to offer us, our minds will be deprived of peace. We
need to be very vigilant not to make any exceptions. Nor should we
accept that there is any order of difficulty in any problem that we
encounter: an illusion is an illusion regardless of its seeming magnitude. When we go deeper , we realize that we can only give up what was never
real anyway . We come to see the false as false and illusion as illusion. When the resistance to peace has been removed, the light of Spirit shines
unobstructed in awareness. What makes peace of mind possible is trust in the Holy Spirit. Trusting in past learning and constructs of linear time means that there is
a fear of Spirit, a fear of the higher realms, a fear of love. So, to the
extent that you want to hold on to past learning, you will not be able to
rest in present peace. These are the phases most of us go through before
arriving back at peace:
1. First come your likes and your dislikes. Y ou start to become
aware of them and see how you would like more of your likes and
less of your dislikes. 2. Then you go a little further and start to feel that your mind is
powerful and that you can draw forth more of what you like and
less of what you do not like (manifesting).3. Then you go even a little higher , and you start to realize that your
mind is very powerful; it is the maker of this dream. 4. When you start to realize you thought you liked this and you did
not like that, but you really do not know what you want, it gets
humbling. Now you are open to peace of mind and to being given
an experience that is from far beyond your past learning. Y ou start
to use your powerful mind to experience only what you truly
want: peace of mind. The Only Answer Is Peace
The only way to experience this world accurately and peacefully is as a
unified whole. But this is generally not our experience when  we deal
with everyday problems and situations. Think of the 1,001 experiences
you’ve had recently. If you split one of these experiences off and think
that there’ s something wrong with it or that something could have been
better or differen t, then you’re seeing with the ego, which alway s tries to
solve situations through splitting of f. I call this fragmentation . If a money pit of a house had 142 problems and every one of those
problems were solved, as long as you hold on to a perspective of
fragmentation, there are going  to be more problems. But when the
purpose is changed to peace and to truth, the entire perspective of the
universe is transformed. Even if the problems seem to continue, we will
not expe rience them from a perspective of fragmentation, and we will
not see them as fragmented issues in and of themselves. If we are
focused only on the release of the blocks to peace of mind, we will
experience a flow of guidance as to how to deal with each and every
problem that appears. We will see problems as just a movie script
playing out on a screen, bringing us back to peace. We will no longer
want to give our power away to anything that takes away our peace. Thus, we have completely changed our perspective. Since the problem is in the mind, it can only be resolved in the
mind. The ego made the world to generate specific problems that have
no answers. It generates impossible problems with no true solutions.If we give our mind over to the Holy Spirit and inquire about a
whole new way of seeing—a  new vision—then we’re really going
inward toward the real solution. We are here to come back to a peaceful
foundation and experience. It is very practical. We just need to trust and
be willin g to unlearn things and ideas that we thought were solid facts
about ourselves and the world. The outcome is a tranquil mind. Peace of
mind is not a small gift to yourself—it’ s everything. Can you imagine
what it would be like to be perfectly peaceful, calm, and tranquil always? That is what time is for—to learn just that and nothing more. You can
allow yourself to be open-minded and flexible about things as you get
deeper and deeper into your practice. You can be very allowing and very
peaceful. Setting the Goal to Achieve Peace
There is a sectio n in A Course in Miracles  called “Setting the Goal” that
explains that if you put the goal of peace out in front in each situation,
you will perceive everything and everyone as supporting this goal. Setting the goal of peace is something that we can do at the very
beginning of any activity . The value of deciding for peace in advance is
simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it (peace
of mind) happen. This means that perception no longer needs to be the
determiner of our state of mind. When you set your mind in advance, you focus your mind on what
you want. This is the way to use time for healing purpo ses. The
separated mind believes in the past, the present, and the future even
though the etern al now is really  all there is. Believing that problems are
caused by past events pander s to the ego’s idea of separation and
distracts the mind from being present in the moment. Peace is really a
present choice, and believing that past events can affect or prevent you
from experienci ng peace right now is but a defense against the present
moment. When your mind is aligned with peace as your one goal, you
cannot help but see the cosmos as unified and therefore peaceful. This
shows how powerful your mind  really is! It shows how important it is to
focus on what you truly want, on that which is truly helpful to you.Exercise: Choosing Peace of Mind
To listen to a recorded version of this exercise, go to
http://www .newharbinger .com/41870 . Make sure you have some time to yourself as this exercise
requires deep inquiry . You may have come to a beautiful place in
your journey with this book, or the journey may have started to
bring up deep beliefs and even discomfort. This is okay and part
of the journey . Sit comfortab ly now. Take a deep breath. Reflect
for a moment on what you have learned from the previous
chapters—guidance, trust, and acceptance—before going  into the
following exercise. Use your journal for free association. 1. Recall a recent situation when you felt stressed, for
example when you were stuck in traffic, at work, or at home
with your family . Now take some time to reflect and ask
yourself these questions: What perspective did I choose in
that situation? Was I choosing pain and conflict, or was I
choosing peace and joy? Recall your thoughts and feelings. Begin to consider that you have options and that you
can always choose again. In order to undo the tendency
to jump into past thinking in stressful situations, this
practice of considering your options rather than being
reactive invites you to be vigilant with your thoughts,
which is imperative when you want to achieve a state of
peace. 2. What in your mind or life right now is causing you anxiety or
stress? Write down at least three or four situations that are
causing you concern, worry , or stress. These situations don’t have the power to cause you
to feel the way that you feel. All power lies in your own
thinking. Therefore, examine any thoughts associated
with the situations. Are you blaming externalcircumstances for your stress? Are you willing to take
responsibility for your state of mind? Your answers to these questions will determine how quickly
you will experience peace of mind. I encourage you to make a firm commitment to the practice of
going within to release the feelings and emotions that arise in
stressful situations. For example, when you notice some worry ,
immediately pause and allow the feeling to be fully released. Remind yourself that your healing is inevitable and that peace of
mind is available right now. Realize that it’s all for your healing,
rather than something that is happening to you. In an unexpected situation, you may catch yourself feeling
irritated by outside surroundings, or you may feel annoyance or
impatience. This is your opportunity to step back and pray for a
miracle. Ask yourself: “Do I believe this annoyance has external
causes? Or am I now begin ning to recognize my own reactions
and interpretations?” Remind yourself that it is with acceptance,
regardless of how difficult the situation seems to be, that you can
peacefully go through it. Join with the true prayer of your heart
and ask for help from your inner guide, the Holy Spirit. This practice requires willingness and vigilance, and your
peace of mind  is more than worth it. Start now. Know that true
peace of mind is the only experience that is real and ultimately
inevitable. Prayer:  Only Peace Remains
Take some time now to relax and just be, in this moment,
sincerely , with the Holy Spirit as a loving presence to comfort and
guide you. Allow yourself to rest deep within the core of your
being while you read the following prayer:
As I sink inward,
I begin to see the nature of the mind,
and the powerful nature of thought.When I accept God’ s freedom for myself,
I accept God’ s freedom for everyone and everything,
because there is nothing outside of mind. As I change my mind, the entire world looks different,
as I accept the Spirit’ s vision I can see. No longer will I confuse pain and joy . Pain is the outcome of the ego; joy is the inspiration of Spirit. The confusion between pain and joy is the cause of any
suffering
and if I follow the Holy Spirit, the ego will be given up,
and I will suffer nothing. I will, instead, be gaining everything: joy , true freedom, and
inner peace. This is my choice. Now I accept the will of God,
and I accept that God’ s will is my will. There is nothing else. This is peace. Amen. The Observing Mind
Raising unconsc ious beliefs to awareness is deep, inner work. It takes a
lot of willingness and humblene ss. This is why affirmations don’t really
work. For example, affirming that you are loved, loving, and happy
without taking a deep look at the darkness and self-hatred is nothing
more than a temporary fix that, at best, can spur your inspiration to take
it a bit deeper .In my own life, the parable of David, going within and facing the
emotions whene ver I felt unco mfortable that I wasn’ t with somebody
and feeling the discomfort of aloneness was a very important part of
emptying my mind of all concepts and coming to inner peace. You may
have had the experience of feeling lonely in a crowd or the feeling of
connectedness when you’re walking alone along the beach, for example. Such experiences give a hint that everything is really about your
psychological state of mind. So, it comes down to a lot of practice,
emptying, and clearing to get down to what’ s under the little nudges that
you feel. There’ s a root that runs much deeper , the root that takes you
down into the guilt experience. Whenever I’ve looked for completion in
partnership, in work, in family relationships, in environmental situations,
and in different locations and countries, I discovered that it didn’ t work. Those things weren’ t lasting, and they didn’ t offer a sense of completion
and peace of mind. Instead, I have come to a clear awareness that there is
a purpose, a calling that’s in me, that is identical to this ever-present
moment. The spiritual journey is really about finding your inner calling
and then following it. Because when you do that, it takes you into an
extraordinary state of mind that is actually very natural, for its very
nature is peace. You may start to see that the way to experience peace is through
just observing the world. Sinkin g back into the soft and gentle presence
of the observer is the whole purpose of the spiritual journey . Being the
observer and being able to watc h it all, to not get caught in the mortal
fuss, and to not even have an opinion about it or to feel that you have to
participate in it is your goal. When you are in Spirit, you are really
beyond the touch of time. Time goes by without its touch upon you. You
aren’ t really a traveler through time and space, but you travel through
ideas, concepts,  and beliefs until you reach the shore of tranquility , of
deep peace.Part III
Miracles in RelationshipsChapter 10
Transforming Special Relationships
As you get closer to your true desire for peace, you will find it important
to look at your relationships. Your relationships are mirrors to your
mind, to what you believe. The greatest barometer for your state of mind
is found in the way you feel in all of your relationships, be they close
intimate ones, family , friends, colleagues and business associates, or
casual encounters. The closer the relationship, the deeper the healing
potential, so in this chapter , I’ll talk about “special” relationships. Whenever we think of ourselves  as special, the ego has us look for what
is different or lacking in other s. The ego then compares, making us
better , or more special, than the “other .” This judging is what the ego
considers its job. At the most basic level, specialness is a belief in
differences. This belief will always be the cause of distress and conflict
in relati onships because it is based on separation. This chapter will
unveil the dynamics of specialness and how the ego uses it in
relationships. Most people think of an interpersonal relationship as some kind of
fulfillment because they feel that there is something empty , like a hole
inside. It’s common to think that a relationship will answer the call for
intimacy , connec tion, and love. When there is this sense of need or lack
in the mind, it turns into an often-unconscious desire: “I need to get
something from you.” This sets up a big expectation. Disillusionment is
an inevitable result of the pattern of using relationships to solve a
perceived inner lack or emptiness. Maybe the most common unquestioned expectation, one that is
lifted up in society, is the marriage vow. There is an expec tation of
longevity , where silver , gold, and diamond anniversaries are regarded as
respected accom plishments. When we look outside for a partner to meet
our needs and they fail to live up to the role the ego assigned to them,
then it is curtai ns down. It is either “I’ve had enough of this,” or webegin an ego bargaining, such as people pleasing, which just muddies the
water even more, and it is not experienced as a good situation. Relationships can also be misused by the ego for projecting our emotions
onto the other and blaming. “I would be happy except that you do this
and this and this.” Projections come flooding out. Anger and guilt need a
target because it feels intolerable  to own them. But we do not realize that
projecting onto and blaming our partner actually keep these negative
emotions alive. Sometimes loneliness and abandonment issues are reasons why
people either enter into or avoid  relationships. Everyone wants intimacy ,
but everyone also wants freedom. We usually seek intimacy in a
relationship, but when we believ e this means we will lose some kind of
freedom, we may end the relationship. A relationship can be a tremendous mechanism for healing if we are
willing to use it that way. A relationship offers countless opport unities to
take projection back when we feel irritated, or annoyed, or even  irked at
mannerisms or the tiniest things. From Specialness to Love’s True Nature
When we want something from another , it is impossible to allow them to
be who they really are. But this is the human condition: a state of desire
or attach ment to a certain idealized form. When the mind is asleep, it is
desperate for innocence and love since it thinks it has lost it. As long as
the ego is guiding us in our relationships, we are trying to find
fulfillment and satisfaction in a form, in a body . It is as if you took a
photograph and said to God, “I want one of these. I will be happy when
my life looks like this.” But these forms are idols, and we will never be
completely fulfilled by them. You could say that Heaven’ s oneness, or
the present moment, is a perfect state of desireless contentment . It is not
wanting or needing anything, not hoping something would be different
or better . It’s not looking for answers. It’s a state that simply is. Metaphysically , it is actually impossible to find love interpersonally or
with anything “external.” The only true love is the love of Spirit within.As long as we are afraid, believing we are a separate identity , we
will keep attempting to find this love outside. A common question is
whether it’s the ego that’s behind our attraction to another person. Indeed, the ego does speak first— and loudest! The ego is impet uous and
impulsive; it wants immediate gratification on its own terms. But the
Spirit can use the attraction beautifully when you allow yourself to go
toward a relation ship and use it for healing the mind. Hanging in there in
a committed relationship and facing the shadows when they come up
will offer you a far deeper opportunity for the healing of your mind. Heart openings and experiences  of falling in love are always helpful and
will ultimately lead to an awareness of true love. Since true love and intimacy can only be found within, you may
wonder what it is that the mind is actually looking for and what a special
relationship actually is. When you enter into a special relationship, you
likely bring all of your old thoughts and associations with you. When
you interact with a person, you’re interacting with a bit of your own past. The body that you think you are and the body that you’re in a
relationship with are like holographs acting out of your unresolved
issues. Relationships offer a mirroring that helps you get in touch with
what’ s going on in your consciousness, which is why they can be so
intense. All personal relationships have the potential to trigger different
forms of grievan ces like, “You said you would do this, and you didn’ t;
you aren’t the same as when I married you.” Money issues, sex,
jealousies, envy , and all the so-called problems within relationships, no
matter how you define the situation, are based on past conditioning. The
past is over, and so are the issues, but to the extent that you still believe
in them, this partner is going to do you a favor and act them out in front
of you. One day, you wake and say to your partner , “You believ e what?”
Or there  could be 348 consecu tive days of bliss, but then there is a
trigger , and BOOM! A button-pusher . Why? Because you believe
something from the past is still current. What is the other person really
acting out? They’re acting out the judgments and the preferences in your
unconscious. This is why you’re drawn more to some bodies  than to
other bodies, and from the Spirit’s perspective, the purpose is to heal
those issues.Relationships and Purpose
What you are aiming to heal together are the unhelpful dependencies and
desperations rooted in a deep belief in lack. The ego always has an
outcome for relationships, like staying together at any cost or making it
look good on the surface, while the Spirit offers guidance for how
relationships can be used from moment to moment for healing  and the
undoing of things such as unhealthy dependency , control, and fear of
loss. The truth is that you never really need anybody in the present
moment. But when you feel very drawn to someone, you can practice
simultaneously tuning in to Spirit. He will use the symbol of relationship
for your awaken ing. Falling in love with someone can be used in the
truest sense to go deep within , beyond the form to the essence, to a
communion experience, to a sense of total communion, syner gy, and
telepathy , way beyond the form. Everyone wants  a love that doesn’ t come to an end. Love song
lyrics usually speak of “forever ” and “everlasting,” and the ideal of an
enduring, everlasting, harmonious, continuous relationship certainly
sounds good. Yet, those terms don’t typically describe interpersonal
relationships in this world. For even in the “best relationships,” when
they seem to be sustained, it is still perceived that death of the body , or
splitting up and moving on, cuts the relationship short of the ideal. From
that perspective, there seems to be an ending. When there is a breakup,
there can seem to be a lack of love, a heartache. However , if a
relationship seem s to come to an end and you’re no longer together, but
the thought of that person comes  into your mind all the time, then you’re
actually still in that relationsh ip. Your healing and learning continue
even when the bodies are no longer together . People are thoughts in your
mind, and therefore, you are never left without an opportunity to heal. It
takes a while before you will become good at being aware of your
thoughts. I call that practice mind watching. The temptation is to only
watch your mind at certain times and then slip back into mindlessness. Yet, this mind watching, especially within your relationships, is one of
the major functions in returning again and again to the present moment. Love is, in truth, always beyond form. While special love in
relationships is defined by the purpose and form it takes, divine love hasno limit s. It is pure spirit. Freedom and intimacy can only be found by
going inward, no matter if you are single or in a relationship. You’ll
experience this truth only when you are free of attachment to outcomes
and as you allow the Holy Spirit to remove the limits that you place on
the sharing and extending of your love. Moving Toward Holy Relationship
It is a blessing that we can use all of our relationships to see where we
need healing of our minds and where we still have grievances. Even in a
special relationship, Spirit, when invited in, can help us see and guide us
in what must be released in our mind through watching what our partner
is mirroring back to us. One time when I was in Argentina, some friends took me to watch
professional tango. The dancers were slicing through the air, enacting all
the drama of relationships. They  slice so fast because there are all kinds
of relationship-r elated passion and emotions in the dance. There’ s even a
history of murder associated with the tango. So, under that slicing,
there’ s a little bit of “I could kill you.” Their faces are very expressive
and very dramatic. There’ s a lot of the drama and the trauma of special
relationships under those whisking bodies cutting through the air. Everybody on Earth can relate to the intense emotions in relationships. The ego gets flushed out of its unconscious hiding place. It comes up to
the surfa ce, and it is vicious. What was passion, romance, and attraction
seem to easily turn into hatred. A Course in Miracles  has nine chap ters dedicated to special
relationships! In special relatio nships in this world, it slips back and
forth between, “I love you, I love you, I love you; and I could kill you!”
The rage and the passion are a razor blade’ s width apart. So close. If
that’s the case, how can a special relationship become the means to
enlightenment, to spiritual awak ening? It is through forgiveness in day-
to-day living. We can be gratef ul to all the people in our life because
they reveal our grievances to us. As you take steps toward accepting the true purpose of all of your
relationships, you need to not only put your mind into it; you need to liveit. Imag ine being a mathematician who never wanted to practice with
equations or an auto mechanic who didn’ t get under the hoods of cars. Imagine a bricklayer who could n’t stand mortar and bricks; you would
laugh! In the same way, as humans, we need to awaken by relating to
and looking at our relationships with people. “Have no expectations” is the way of allowing things to be exactly
as they are. It takes a lot of clearing the filter of consciousness  to come
to that state of mind. I performed a wedding where the couple’ s vow was
“I love you now,” which I thought was a wonderful vow. They were very
mindful of the trap of future expectations. They wanted to allow the
relationship to be used by the Holy Spirit for holiness, to clear the mind
of any subtle expectations. For me, the most helpful answer from A Course in Miracles  came
when I was guided to leave a relationship. I had a tremendous amount of
hurt and pain around the idea of leaving. I was facing fear of
abandonment. I had the Course  in my hand, and I prayed to the Holy
Spirit, “Please, you must answer me before I can do this.” I then opened
the book  to the section on relationships in the Manual for Teachers . My
eyes went straight to a sente nce that said, “Each teaching-learning
situation is maximal in the sense that each person involved will learn the
most that he can from the other person at that time.” Suddenly , my heart
lifted. I felt that the Holy Spirit was saying, “It’s okay; you and your
partner learned as much as you could learn in that relationship.”  He was
saying, “Job well done. You did a very good job, and I will be with you
in your next relationship.” This gave me the permission to go on and
take the next step. As you move toward holy relationships, the ego will come at you
pretty strongly to try to break your turn toward healing. It will try to
sabotage and abort the mission of healing by intensifying the mirroring. But that’s where I encourage you to just hang in there and ask for Spirit’ s
help. The breakthrough will be in overcoming the ego’s attemp t and the
longing to objectify and localize love and its attempt to shrink it from the
vastness that it is. Overcoming this obstacle is the undoing of the special
love relationship and the transition into holy relationship.Giving your relationships a holy purpose is the means to reaching
the trans cendent perspective that looks upon bodies much like dancing
leaves in the wind on a fall day. With a little wind blowing the leaves
around, you notice with detachment all the colors. You’re not saying,
“Red, orange, brown, green.” You’re watching the swirl from a place of
complete nonjudgment. And that’s what holy relationship is. As you go
about your daily relationships, be alert to temptations to:
desire perfection in another ’s behavior
blame and emphasize flaws and inconsistencies, either aloud or
silently
make comparisons
want to be right at the expense of your brother or sister ’s
innocence. When you join with another in the purpose of healing the mind, you
find love. Practice turning your attention to:
examining ego thoughts and patterns within your own mind, so
that they can be seen and healed
allowing your relationships to show you what needs to be healed
within your own mind
looking beyond form and behaviors in your relationships
releasing judgments and comparisons
practicing defenselessness in your communications
having peace as your goal in your joining with others and the
world
seeing the gift in practicing the above!Exercise: Undoing Specialness
The following exercise aims at helping you become more aware of
your part in building obstacle s and issues in a relationshi p. It will
help you see that you can change your experience with a
relationship solely by looking  at your own mind, and not hiding
and protecting , but lifting reactions, judgments, and hidden
opinions to the Holy Spirit. Part 1:  Observe Y our Patterns in Relationship
You are now going to identify what obstacles are in the way of
your experience of holy relationship. Let the following questions
draw out some of your past and present relationship experiences. Let a relationship come to mind in which you are seeking
something from another . Go inward and journal what comes to
mind as you answer each question. 1. What specifically are you seeking? 2. Can you see whether this pursuit is based upon a belief in
lack of some kind? 3. Looking back over your life, do you notice any patterns,
repeating circu mstances, or persistent feelings, such as
being respons ible; feeling needy , dependent, rejected, or
letdown; or taking control or being controlled? 4. What beliefs do you feel might be underneath these
patterns? For example, if you’ve felt either dependent or
controlling in your relationsh ips, is there a belief that you
are helpless? 5. Can you begin to see how you are projecting your belie fs
onto the other (for example “You aren’t good enough”)
when, really, it is a belief you hold about yourself (“I’m not
good enough”)?6. What do you believe you could gain or lose through the
relationship? Observe your thoughts and beliefs. 7. How would you feel and what do you think your life would
be like without those thoughts and beliefs? Take a breath and for the next few minutes, in prayer , direct
your mind toward dropping these thoughts and beliefs. Having
seen the thoughts and belie fs that led you to feel a sense of
separation, offer them to the Holy Spirit. Now, ask for help to see
your friend differently . Each of these thoughts stems from the
belief that you and they are different, and that what you see and
do not like about them is what you do not like about yourself. They
save you from the disturbance you feel in your heart, the
disturbance that was a result of withholding your love from them. Your grievance  against them is now replaced with awareness and
freedom. Rest within the spaciousness this release brings. Feel
free to write or share about your experience to strengthen it in
awareness. When egoic patterns are seen and recognized, you can
easily spot them as they recur, and you can choose again . It’s the
first step toward knowing an intimacy that is not of personhood but
of the Spirit within. “The Holy Spirit’ s temple is not a body , but a relationship.”
The Blessings of Relationship
As you pivot toward healing through your relationships, you will feel
grateful for the gifts they are offering. It’s when you get to the point
where you feel that you’re not attacking or blaming another anymore
that you know you have matured spiritually . It means your consciousness
has expa nded toward understan ding that all that seems to be happening
outside you actually stems from your own mind. Even in your difficult
relationships, you see there are valuable lessons to learn. So, you can
start to honestly ask what each relationship is showing you about yourmind. And once  you can see the patterns and beliefs a relationship is
mirroring, then you will see the blessing and its healing potential. We are never meant to be depen dent on a relationship, but rather  we
are meant to find the Holy Spirit in it because, really , we all share the
same purpose: to wake up. Little by little, we feel more fulfilled from
this practice, fulfilled from within, and our motive for relationships turns
around from trying to get things  from another to seeing an opportunity to
give and collaborate whereby everyone benefits! When you are ready for this renewed purpose, you will start to
move from the familiar and special relationships of the world to healed
and holy relation ships. The ego will still seem to come at you, but that’s
when Spirit is always available to help and says, “You’ve come this far;
stay with your faith. I am with you.” Your prayer to the Holy Spirit
becomes, “I let Y our vision take the place of my perception, which is just
a presentation of the past, appearing once again as if it’ s still occurring.”
This makes way for a new vision of love that will allow you to meet
with someone anew, as if for the very first time without your beliefs
from the past being projected onto them. The miracle of relationship is a journey from specialness to
holiness; from exclusivity to experiences of inclusion; and from
separation, fear, and loneliness to true joining, love, and joy. It is an
awakening, a shift in perception from separate interests of “me,” “mine,”
and “what’s in it for me,” to a shared interest, purpose, and goal. This is
how you are blessed; the more love that you let pour through  you, the
more aware you will be of how powerful that love is, and your
relationships will flourish and expand. It’s therefore beneficial to stay open and honor the relationships that
come your way however they might look initially . And, as you learn to
use them in truly helpful ways , they will allow you to heal, let go of
specialness, and lead you back to God.Chapter 11
From People Pleasing to True Empathy
Special relationships always entail compromise and sacrif ice. The
compromise comes in because of the fear of “rocking the boat.” There is
belief in consequences, so people pleasing becomes the general mode of
operation. But denial and repression build when you do not speak what
is in your heart for fear of other people’ s reactions. If you only live to get
other people to agree with you or approve of you, you are deny ing what
you truly feel in any given situation. Just like the desire for specialness, people pleasing is something we
do when  we are feeling small and limited. The word “sorry” comes up a
lot. Someone touches an elbow in a crowd by mistake, and they say,
“Sorry .” Someo ne stares at you, you glance over, and they say, “Oh,
sorry , sorry .” And the thought arises, I looked at you for 7.2 seconds. Sorry , that was over the limit; it was very rude of me to stare at you. It’s
like there is a giant apology going on everywhere. This is made-up social
conditioning. It’s an example of trying to adhere to bodies and their
perceived differences. Some would say it’s an example of being overly
sensitive and of not wanting to be in anyone’ s space or doing anything
that could be judged as disturbing by another . It reflects a belief that we
have to limit ourselves and compromise as an attempt to fit in. In the deceived, separate state, the mind is highly uncertain. Because we are identified as a distinct and separate person, our true
strength is obscured and is some thing that the mind is out of touch with. Therefore, the attempt to look to people for approval or behaving in
certain ways to make it smooth for others becomes a way to feel
accepted, liked, and approved of. We feel okay only if we are okay to
others. People pleasing is a bargain with reality . It is ego looking for
love, recognition, and respect from others to consolidate the belief in a
small self. It can take many forms. It can be looking up to other people
or covering things over . It is a way of trying to minimize fear but withoutactually letting it go. While you are busy focusing on external situations,
it will be difficult to find stability and peace of mind. If egocen tric pride
and preoccupation with self is on one end of a pendulum, then people
pleasing and preoccupation with others is on the other . When we people
please, we make other people so important that we lose all sense of
integrity . People pleasing  is a powerful defense mechanism: It keeps true
joining and authentic relations hips at bay. It keeps the separation in
place. It’s usually heavily reinforced as being something wonderful. It is
encouraged. We are raised to be people pleasers—to please our parents,
our relatives, our employers, our spouses, our children. The Fear of Rising and Speaking Up
How would our life be if we would start to speak up about what  is going
on in our awareness and no longer dance around our issues, if we would
say what we need to say? The Bible said, “Let your yea be yea and your
nay be nay.” When you are very layered with people pleasing—
courteous, acting nice, mild-man nered, and all that—it’ s hard to let your
yeses be yes and your noes be no. You may say yes to many requests and
invitations, and then at some point think, What have I just agreed to? I’ve just planned my whole week, but I just want to r est! We have to learn
how to discern and let our yeses  and noes come from a place of integrity
inside where we join with the Holy Spirit and follow His guidance. This
is how to be truly comfortable and free of fear of consequences! With people pleasing, the layers  come on really thick, to the point
that you just freeze up. Your unconscious thoughts and beliefs don’t get
unlocked. No matter how hard you work at your ability to please, that
“disapproving look” always comes at some point. Y ou get that stab in the
heart when you think you have disappointed someone or that you have
done something terribly wrong. The guilt! “Did I let you down?” And
the disapproving voice comes back with, “Yes, you did. I am
disappointed with you. I thoug ht better of you. I thought I could trust
you,” the words that just twist a dagger in your heart. It alway s comes
back to get you. You walk on eggshells for years, taking great care not toupset people. You tiptoe along over all those eggshells, and then
suddenly you hear one crack. Yikes! All of your efforts to please were
about avoiding disapproval and disappointment. You constri cted and
contorted yourself into a little pretzel in order to please. But it did not
work. Y ou may continue pleasing for twenty , thirty , or fifty years without
coming to a vibrant experience of what true integrity and joining really
is. In my family , we never talked  about feelings—never . You might
have heard the joke, “Grab it—there’ s a feeling loose in the living
room!” Talking about feelings was just off-limits. You could talk about
the weather , the sports scores, who broke up with whom, who’ s dating
whom, and everything in between, but don’t talk about the feelings! Mom and Dad never talk about their feelings. Mom and Dad don’t even
express affection . And you internalize that. It’s just reinforced that this is
the way relationships are and that you don’t talk about anything that
seems uncomfortable. Why would we people please unless we were afraid of losing our
relationships, our parents or children, or our jobs? Why would we people
please at all? W ithout fear , we would just tell it like it is; we would speak
from our heart. This is the starting point for freeing our minds and
moving toward a state of consistent peace. It is important to acknowledge your perceptions and your feelings
because they are inroads into what’s underneath. But if you’re burying
your authentic feelings, how are you going to get in touch with and
acknowledge the thoughts and beliefs that are underneath them? (See the
levels of mind discussion in chapter 2.) People pleasing is the substitute “love” that the ego has in place of
true love. It is all to do with trying to stay in your comfort zone and
resisting deeper change. It is thus an insidious defense against  our true
Self. It comes from a desire to be liked. It often includes giving in to
peer pressure. Codependency is common. People pleasing come s from a
false contract in the mind, made to keep your self-concept and familiar
roles. It is a way of distracting yourself by seeking to find love and
recognition from others instead  of from within. But it is merely self-
deception.Let’s look at what people pleas ing covers up in the mind. It is a
subtle version of the lethal poiso n analogy described in chapter 4, where
the ego simply dilutes the guilt so we don’t notice its presence . In fact,
the guilt is so diluted that people pleasing actually seems to be a good
thing. People work at it for lifetimes; they try to get really good at
pleasing others without recognizing that it is just guilt dressed up to look
good. When you live from a self-concept, you wear a mask and play
roles. This is laying a limit upon your own mind. If you solely run your life on the surface, without getting at what is
underneath, then you’ll never really come to true healing. The people
pleaser suppres ses resentment,  frustration, and other emotions while
doing what they believe is expected. People pleasing thus come s from a
desire to perceive oneself as a victim. It is impossible to stay a victim
and not have attack thoughts toward the perceived victimizer and thus
oneself. The Refreshing Courage of Honesty
We can now challenge ourselves through mind training and mind
watching. We can become really , really honest with our motivations. By
looking into our minds, we can see why we reason in certain ways,
notice how often  there is people  pleasing behind it, and stop doing things
out of believed expectations. W e will begin to see when, and maybe even
why, we think there is gain throu gh playing out victimhood. Refuse to be
a victim  of anything in this world and release all those who you assign a
victimizer role. This is the maste r switch to the light that will shine away
all darkness in the mind and remind you who you truly are. You don’t have to wear and hide behind a mask, to pretend to be
happy when you feel angry . Recognizing that you are not actually a
victim, you can start to cultiv ate willingness to expose the people-
pleasing role, the mask, for it covers the present moment in awareness. In that process, you need to be straightforward and honest and practice
letting your words be guided when you speak to someone. This frees you
up.People pleasing runs most interactions in daily living. Because of
its hold on our personality self, we get so locked into pleasing everyone
that we generally need a few jolts before we realize how pervasive the
problem is. An example is that you start to have experiences of being
turned away or rejected when you of fer your knowledge and advice. This
is because you are likely doing it where it’s not asked for or wanted. We
can enco unter reactions that feel really awkward in the sense that people
won’ t agree to the people-pleasi ng games anymore. Instead, people will
start to reflect our desire to heal! Or reversed, people who expect you to
play the same games will react when you stop using this habitual way of
interacting. These are just event s to observe, but not to get hung up on. The need to be liked is of the ego. Spirit-inspired courtesy  doesn’ t
require that approval from others, rather it encourages you to follow your
heart. The ego is saying that you cannot just wake up to happiness and
peace because there are other  people to deal with whom you are
responsible for. The fear of letting someone down is tied with believing
that you are someone in the world and part of someone else’s dream. The
truth is that you are the dreamer of the dream in its totality . Moving Toward True Empathy
Through conditioning, it is believed normal and even expected to
empathize with someone around a perceived problem if something bad
happens to them or if they are sick. When wearing the mask of a kind
person, you will use phrases like, “Oh, that is terrible! You poor person! Oh, I cannot believe that happened to you! Is it not a shame? Is it not too
bad?” It’s commiserating with something that’s just an error in
perception. So, being “kind” this way is actually an attempt to make the
error real, to join in error . Trying to understand and let others know how
sorry you feel for them quite frankly is another way of saying, “I’m
better of f than you.” This is not true empathy , but a false way of joining. Problems can never really be understood. They just need to be seen
as they are—an  error in thinkin g, an error in perception, coming from
false beliefs or guilt, and so forth. To have true empathy is to align withthe truth  in your mind and in another . It brings your perceptio n to the
Holy Spirit’s interpretation. It’s starting to see things from the Holy
Spirit’ s perspective. Practicing true empathy can be challenging because there are so
many temptation s. When we want to fix or change somebody or when
we want a situation to be a certain way, we can be sure that we have
fallen into the trap of false empathy and people pleasing. When we do
that, we are actually hoping to change an outside circumstance in order
to resolve an inner conflict in our own mind. It doesn ’t matte r if you are talking to your mother , your wife or
husband, your child, your neighbor , or someone you met on the street or
in a restaurant. Practice by aligning with the strength of love and truth in
you and allow yourself to relate to another from that place. From this
perspective, you will recognize the love and truth in the other , which is
usually truly empowering for them. They will feel safe with you. This is how we build true and deep relationships. I have heard
people say that practicing true empathy helps them find real friends, ones
who are willing to look at their own minds and join in a healing journey . They also share that sometimes friends who only wanted their false
empathy have fallen away . Imagine living your whole life from a very intuitive, guided place
where you only want the highest  good for everyone, which includes your
own happiness and freedom. From this place, you don’t try to smooth
things over or make things work out. Sometimes issues come up, in job
situations for example. Something just doesn’ t feel right, ethically or
morally , yet because of a fear of being fired, you find yourself doing
certain things against your true will. Rather than taking a deep look at
your belief in an outside authority , you may do things because you think
you must or should. Fear of particular future events and outcomes,
paired with past conditioning, dominate your thinking. You have been
trained to live for an outside world, to please, to do good, to succeed. As your mind matures, you will find yourself starting to question
this conditioning and find that you want a more inspired and loving way
to live. You will no longer want to appease the external world out of fear.Learning to follow your true heart’ s calling will not necessarily please
everyone on the planet, but that shouldn’ t hold you back! Giving from Your Heart
The opposite of people pleasing is true giving. What differs is your
motive. True giving is motivate d by joy, an overflow of inspiration, and
a desire  to extend. We all know how it gets in interd ependent
relationships, where you are walking a fine line, trying to keep the
balance of give-and-take. You need to wash away this idea of reciprocity
by truly giving the love that’s in your heart without expectation and
without exception. To do so, let go of the fear that you could lose something. Let go of
the belief that you need special affiliations with certain people or groups. When you get in touch with your truly inspired purpose, things may fall
away , but it will not matter , as you will feel that you have outgrown
them. You don’t have to try to stretch anything or compromise,  and you
don’t have to play to the crowd. Follow your passion and your calling—
that strong feeling of what it is that you have to give and how to extend
it. This draws the mind away from past patterns and associations. It is
very freeing. The story of Jesus shows us how to do this. Jesus had an attitude of
love and respect without people pleasing at all. He had only true
empathy and true compassion. I cry when I read the sermons Jesus gave. I cry when I see how he was interacting with his fellow human beings,
no matter who they were or what they seemed to have done. We are all
touched by how he treated the Samaritan woman at the well and the
prostitute that they caught and were ready to stone. Most human beings deal with a lot of compliments and criticisms as
part of daily life. Even though Jesus was living with the twelve apostles,
he never said, “Hey James, I like that haircut,” or “Hey Peter , that’s a
beautiful robe you’re wearing . Hey John, where did you get those
sandals? They look great!” We laugh at that because those aren’ t Jesus’ s
words. Yet, we often buy into compliments and criticisms in our own
life. Compliments are generally judged to be positive, and the criticismsare nega tive. But Jesus and the Holy Spirit draw away from  both of
those, from judgment into a state of perfect equality , a state of grace. We see in the world exactly what we project from our unconsc ious
mind. Everything we think is teaching the whole universe what we
believe we are and what we believe it is. Every single thought, every
single word, and every single action is teaching. It’s as if you were
broadcasting or live streamin g to the entire cosmos all the time. Projection make s perception. The world reflects your consc iousness. This is why, in order to dismantle your people-pleaser habit, you need to
go through a purification of consciousness, where you begin to realize
how powerful your mind is. Jesus had gone through this purification; that’s why he is an
example. I see him as a representation, a demonstration of the highest
that we can attain in awareness. Jesus wasn’ t struggling and getting into
all kinds  of conflicts and competitions; he didn’ t compare and contrast or
fight against anything. He had a presence that radiated, and this is a
wonderful example of our natural state of mind—of gentleness,
kindness, friendliness, openness, and love, all the things we would
expect from a living demonstration of Spirit. It’s in the day-to-day ,
moment-by-moment living attitude that we can demonstrate that pure
love too. Years ago, when I started undo ing people pleasing and practicing
true empathy, I noticed that guidance was essential. I’d be getting into
these deep mystical states while  meditating, and my mother would invite
me to family dinners and different things. I would usually be guided to
respond with something like, “Thank you very much for thinking of me;
thank you so much for inviting me.” The graciousness of the Spirit was
always there with a thank-you, and then, “No, I don’t think I’m going to
be coming.” Or sometimes it would even be, “I’ll just have to be in the
moment. I will let you know .” I was living more in the moment instead
of doing a lot of planning. I was allowing myself to be spontaneous and
just let the Holy Spirit guide me moment by moment. I started  to more
and more consistently follow what I truly felt was in my heart. By letting go of the people- pleaser role, you step into your
authenticity , your true nature. You have integrity , having gone through aprocess of discernment. You are going to say no at times. You need to
say no to loved  ones. Are you ready? Are you prepared? If you really
want to move beyond the ego’s defenses, beyond people pleasing, get
ready to say no to loved ones—as guided. And get ready to say yes—as
guided. When you say no, let the Holy Spirit say it through you. It will
usually come out something like, “No, thank you,” or “No, but thank you
so much for asking.” It is a beautiful expression of love when you can
say no while feeling gratitude in your heart. You are laying aside the
ego’s voice that insists that no is bad and yes is good. No one comes to
peace of mind by people pleasing, by saying yes to everyth ing. Jim
Carrey’ s character in the movie Yes Man  had to learn this! If you have a situation where you feel you have been compromi sing
and you need to take action, do so when you are in a state of peace. A
woman who had been compromising and “pleasing” her mother with
certain behaviors for thirty years recognized this defense mechanism and
had an open, direct talk with her mother . The theme of the talk was “no
more.” The straightforward, direct approach may seem to make waves
initially , but it is an antidote to denial, repression, and resentment. Spirit-inspired courtesy is not people pleasing. So, question your
thoughts and behavior and be aware of your motive. You will know by
how you feel if you are people pleasing. Guilt is always hidden in the
past, and you cannot have both ego-induced politeness and freedom at
the same time. The present moment is forgotten when we operate from
people pleasing based on past conditioning and so is the Spirit’ s
guidance. Do not think you can hold onto the past and expect yourself to
feel infin ite and free at the same  time. Instead, be Spirit-inspired in terms
of real kindness . From this place, you do not have a moment of doubt,
and there are none of those words that are in the grey zone. The results
of laying aside people pleasing are authentic relationships, real healing,
and joy! You will feel a calm assurance when you speak from your heart  and
say what you feel is truly most helpful. As you do, past pattern s, habits,
and people-plea sing thoughts of guilt will dissolve away , for they were
never truly a part of the real you.Exercise: Your Fear of Authenticity
Bring to mind an area in your life, a relationship, or a situation
where you feel that you are wearing a mask or you are afraid to
“rock the boat.” Take some time with your journal to reflect upon
your feelings around this situation. 1. Write down your thoughts and judgments of yourself or
others. Do you have expectations of yourself or of others? 2. Look for a limiting belief about yourself. Give examples of
how it is playing out in this situation. 3. Are you able to see that limiting beliefs about yourself are
the cause of your people-pleasing habits? 4. Write down any ways you resist letting go of your people-
pleasing habits and this limiting belief about yourself. How
do you feel about letting the people-pleasing habits go? Do
you want to be right about the way you perceive this
situation and yourself? 5. Invite the Holy Spirit into this situation to help you release
any feelings of responsibility or guilt that accompany the
people pleasin g and to let go of any expectations of
yourself and others. If it feels effortless and natural, share
with the Holy Spirit in your journal about your people-
pleasing habits and your willingness to let them go and be
happy . Tips for Undoing People Pleasing
Here are some stepping-stones  to help loosen your automatic people
pleasing.When you are asked a question, instead of responding
immediately , out of habit, pause. If there is a sense of pressure,
defensiveness, or a lack of clarity about what you should answer ,
give yourself permission to say , “I don’ t know right now , but I
will get back to you.” This allows the space to really feel clear on
your answer , as well as to see the ego motivation behind
automatic responses. Pausing allows the space for the Spirit’ s
guidance to be revealed. Be prayerful about making commitments. Giving yourself the
space to feel things out and looking at your motivation before
saying yes can help make the Holy Spirit’ s guidance more clear to
you. When you have been prayerful about a decision, stick with it
and follow it through. Speak from your heart! When you directly share your thoughts
and feelings, notice any concerns about the other person’ s
reactions. Notice and allow your fears and thoughts to arise, such
as the fear of rejection, of hurting others’ feelings, or of being
perceived as unkind. Release these thoughts and beliefs from your
mind and experience the freedom to express truthfully . The more we work with letting go of people pleasing, we actually
see that it is valuable for us to extend the truth inside of us and that really
nothing’ s going to come down on us, the sky isn’t going to cave and fall
in on us. It’s quite the opposite. We get a lot of opportunities on a daily
basis to be vigilant around people pleasing and to allow the Holy Spirit
to help us navigate our mind and the world around us. The more we
communicate truly, the more we attract true communication toward us,
and that is what leads us to an experience that turns fear into freedom. The Delight of Authentic Sharing
Rather than living in fear of the possible reactions of others, we become
authentic and stay in integrity with the truth. We extend the love and the
happiness. We are empowered by love. From that clarity , the directioncan only be integrity of mind, where everything we desire is in
alignment with God, with our right-mindedness. Living a life of no people pleasing is delightful. Doubt and worry
disappear . It is peaceful; it is harmonious; it is restful. It has all the
strength, the power , and the glory of the universe behind it. There is a
sense of invulnerability and fearlessness. You do not hesitate. It is gentle
too. It is pure light! This is worth every bit of mind training. It is worth every bit of
meditation. It is worth every bit of darkness that seems to come up in
your face. It is worth it all because the reward is so great: freedom from
worry . You are peaceful when you don’t have a worry or a concern and
the world seems  to rest in peace with you. That is worth every instant of
mind watching. Peace of mind is no small reward, and it is worth going
for with all your heart.Chapter 12
Communication
Learning to live in the moment together with letting go of people
pleasing will have a major impact on the quality of your commu nication
with others. When your purpose  is to align with Spirit, you will find that
many of your experiences and activities will be reordered, renewed, and
refreshed. Healing and commun ication are directly related, as you will
discover . When we think of communic ation, we usually see it as being
between two people, between two bodies. One form of commun ication is
to feel somebody’ s touch, hug, or caress. Another form of
communication is sitting togeth er having a cup of tea or coffee and a
very intimate talk about your deepest thoughts and feelings. But even
when the other person is not with you, you can communica te. Your
thoughts are powerful, and anytime you think of another person, you
communicate. It’s like prayer .
This-Moment-is-Your-Miracle_by_David_Hoffmeister.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        If you were
married, if you had children, if you had a mortgage, and if you had a
boss, let’s see how happy you would be then. ” Well, it would be really
strange if God would set up a world where some people could have
fortunate circum stances and other people could have unfortunate
circumstances. Wouldn’ t it be much more reasonable to think that
whatever world we are perceiving is there by our own choice. We have
chosen our life the way we know it. We built it. It is like the little child
with the building blocks, making a castle, making a little fort or
something, building, and then looking at what has been built. There is
really no point in lamenting circumstances. They are there by decision. On an unconscious level, they have been chosen. We chose everything inour movie the way we preferred  it. Even if it seems undesirable to us, on
some level, our ego-self wanted it that way. And, of course, this is why
you can learn to choose again. You are not locked into circum stances,
but by choosing peace more and more consistently, you get a whole new
experience of all circumstances  and situations. When the woman who
feels lonely focuses on gettin g in touch with her core desire, the
experience she wants, rather than on the external circumstances, she will
find present connection and fulfillment and therefore cultivate a
consistent and stable experience of peace of mind that is not dependent
on outer circumstances. The Power of Wanting
If everything that we experience  is there because on some level we want
it, it follows that nothing that we experience is apart from our wanting it
that particular way. Thus, instead of dwelling on weakness, it is
important to see how powerful our mind is. Even what we call chitter -
chatter, the crazy static in the mind that you’ve been telling to just go
away, has its powerful effects on the way we perceive the world around
us. Once we start to acknowledge the power of our wanting and the
power of our prayer, then we can start to go deeper inward, asking,
“Hmmm… Wha t is it really that I want. What is my priority. ” As we go
deeper inward with that, we start to realize that we really want to use the
power of our wanting and direct it toward peace of mind. Wha t trinkets
of the world could you possibly want if you had the option of choosing
peace of mind. Everlasting peace. I had a friend who once asked me, “If
I open my mind  to God, can I still have my Maserati. ” I said “Well, you
just have to get really clear about what matters most to you. What do you
really, really want. ” Once you get into the power of your wanting, you
start to use discr imination. And that is where we’re going, to that zone of
discernment, funneling more and more to a place of realizing, “Oh, I
want a state of mind. What I really want is the peace of God. ”
To say the words, “I want peace,” actually means nothing. But to
mean them is everything. We need to be in touch with what we wantbecause there are no spiritual clichés or phrases that can magically bring
us real peace. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, all that she had to do
was click her heels together, the little ruby red slippers, three times, and
say the words, “There’ s no place like home,” to go home. In one sense,
Glinda the Good Witch is the Holy Spirit speaking, “You always had the
power to go Home,” and that is true. But “wanting peace” is really
beyond a catchphrase, knowing the right mantra, or saying the right
words in just the right way. The experience of peace is not found in some
“abracadabra” where we’ve got to say just the right words to unlock the
spell. Instead, we have to cultiv ate the good habit of turning to our heart
within and really being sincere about this wanting. Ask your heart,
“What is it that I really, really want. ” We don’t get to Heaven when we
die, because Heaven is a state of mind, a state of peace that is available
in the present. A Present Peace
Once we do our inner inquiry, we can open up to the choice for real
peace. This is a perspective that veers away from modern forms of
spirituality that often focus on “creating your own reality or
manifesting. ” It differs from many of the psychotherapies and
counseling practices that guide you into your past to get in touch with
unconscious memories and events that are believed to be the cause of
your problems. The truth is, nothing in your past or your future is
causing any problem. This may seem radical to you, especially if you
have focused on, and even gotten in touch with, painful memories or
trauma. Unveilin g repressed memories can be a very important stepping-
stone in your healing and is not to be disregarded. These memories can
be essential inroads to the deeper healing of your mind and opening in
awareness. But remember: your egoic mind wanted every experience it
ever had, and now the best you can do is to let those experiences be your
inroads to the fundamental problem of separation, to heal your way back
to who you really are. The discovery of the power of our mind is essential in learning to
see that our thoughts always give us an experience of either peace or
turmoil. Peace of mind—as well as guilt, fear, and anger—is based on apresent decision, a decision you are making this very instant. Instead of
going on a witch-hunt into your past, or trying to affirm a better future,
the focus is on a present decision for peace. In A Course in Miracles, Jesus says: “One thing you must learn
about the goals the ego has given you, is that when you have achieved
them they have not satisfied you. ” Think of all the goals we set. We are
told that goal setting is good, right. So, what are you if you don’t have
any goals. A lazy, no-good, rotten bum. Now, you are working with the
Course,  and what is it asking you to do. Give up all of the goals. Living
as if you are giving up all of your goals except for the one single goal of
present peace can take a while. We associate goals with the future, so
present peace feels like a very different kind of goal. That’ s why it can
be a bit difficult  in the beginning. Also, you can bank on hearing the ego
say, “Oh, come on, what a waste. You could be doing somethi ng really
productive. Present peace. ” That’ s what you will have to face. And, as
long as you entertain that doubt thought, guess what. The world is going
to act it out for you. It might be from your parents, your neighbors, or
your spouse, “What. What’ s your goal. Your goal is present peace. ”
Anyone can act it out for you because the world you perceive is a
reflection of your beliefs. So, if you have doubt thoughts about present
peace, guess where they’re going to show up: everywhere. When we accept that it is our divine birthright to be in a consistent
state of peace, we are taken in a whole new direction. We start to
acknowledge our true strength, and that strength is freedo m. The
thoughts of the ego, the thoug hts of temptation, can’t ever enter our
pristine, holy mind here. The light becomes so strong and so bright that
the thoughts of the ego can’ t even enter. Being Vigilant for Peace
Along the way, there are many instances where we can watch how part
of our mind wants to stray away  from the peace we are beginning to get
in touch  with. These moments of the journey are important as they are
opportunities to allow the fear to come up while still being able to follow
what our hearts are really telling us to do. As we trust the voice inside, orthe feeling inside our heart, we strengthen our trust in our direction
toward peace. This world is made up of countless distractions and tempo rary
pleasures to feel good for a short period of time. When we realize that
indulging in temporary pleasur e is an obstacle to a state of consistent
peace, we recognize that we need to take a deep look at what we choose
on a day-to-day, moment-to-mo ment basis. Our true purpose is to be
happy, not to achieve things or accumulate possessions. Understanding
that leads to peace of mind. The experience of freedom is of the mind
and not circumstance dependent in any way. We can get clear on what the ego is and then pull our mind back
from it, reclaiming the peace in the present moment. In other words, take
the juice away from the ego and reclaim the power of the mind by
consistently choosing peace. For as long as we think the ego has
something of value to offer us, our minds will be deprived of peace. We
need to be very vigilant not to make any exceptions. Nor should we
accept that there is any order of difficulty in any problem that we
encounter: an illusion is an illusion regardless of its seeming magnitude. When we go deeper, we realize that we can only give up what was never
real anyway. We come to see the false as false and illusion as illusion. When the resistance to peace has been removed, the light of Spirit shines
unobstructed in awareness. What makes peace of mind possible is trust in the Holy Spirit. Trusting in past learning and constructs of linear time means that there is
a fear of Spirit, a fear of the higher realms, a fear of love. So, to the
extent that you want to hold on to past learning, you will not be able to
rest in present peace. These are the phases most of us go through before
arriving back at peace:
1. First come your likes and your dislikes. Y ou start to become
aware of them and see how you would like more of your likes and
less of your dislikes. 2. Then you go a little further and start to feel that your mind is
powerful and that you can draw forth more of what you like and
less of what you do not like (manifesting). 3. Then you go even a little higher, and you start to realize that your
mind is very powerful; it is the maker of this dream. 4. When you start to realize you thought you liked this and you did
not like that, but you really do not know what you want, it gets
humbling. Now you are open to peace of mind and to being given
an experience that is from far beyond your past learning. Y ou start
to use your powerful mind to experience only what you truly
want: peace of mind. The Only Answer Is Peace
The only way to experience this world accurately and peacefully is as a
unified whole. But this is generally not our experience when  we deal
with everyday problems and situations. Think of the 1,001 experiences
you’ve had recently. If you split one of these experiences off and think
that there’ s something wrong with it or that something could have been
better or differen t, then you’re seeing with the ego, which alway s tries to
solve situations through splitting of f. I call this fragmentation. If a money pit of a house had 142 problems and every one of those
problems were solved, as long as you hold on to a perspective of
fragmentation, there are going  to be more problems. But when the
purpose is changed to peace and to truth, the entire perspective of the
universe is transformed. Even if the problems seem to continue, we will
not expe rience them from a perspective of fragmentation, and we will
not see them as fragmented issues in and of themselves. If we are
focused only on the release of the blocks to peace of mind, we will
experience a flow of guidance as to how to deal with each and every
problem that appears. We will see problems as just a movie script
playing out on a screen, bringing us back to peace. We will no longer
want to give our power away to anything that takes away our peace. Thus, we have completely changed our perspective. Since the problem is in the mind, it can only be resolved in the
mind. The ego made the world to generate specific problems that have
no answers. It generates impossible problems with no true solutions. If we give our mind over to the Holy Spirit and inquire about a
whole new way of seeing—a  new vision—then we’re really going
inward toward the real solution. We are here to come back to a peaceful
foundation and experience. It is very practical. We just need to trust and
be willin g to unlearn things and ideas that we thought were solid facts
about ourselves and the world. The outcome is a tranquil mind. Peace of
mind is not a small gift to yourself—it’ s everything. Can you imagine
what it would be like to be perfectly peaceful, calm, and tranquil always. That is what time is for—to learn just that and nothing more. You can
allow yourself to be open-minded and flexible about things as you get
deeper and deeper into your practice. You can be very allowing and very
peaceful. Setting the Goal to Achieve Peace
There is a sectio n in A Course in Miracles  called “Setting the Goal” that
explains that if you put the goal of peace out in front in each situation,
you will perceive everything and everyone as supporting this goal. Setting the goal of peace is something that we can do at the very
beginning of any activity. The value of deciding for peace in advance is
simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it (peace
of mind) happen. This means that perception no longer needs to be the
determiner of our state of mind. When you set your mind in advance, you focus your mind on what
you want. This is the way to use time for healing purpo ses. The
separated mind believes in the past, the present, and the future even
though the etern al now is really  all there is. Believing that problems are
caused by past events pander s to the ego’s idea of separation and
distracts the mind from being present in the moment. Peace is really a
present choice, and believing that past events can affect or prevent you
from experienci ng peace right now is but a defense against the present
moment. When your mind is aligned with peace as your one goal, you
cannot help but see the cosmos as unified and therefore peaceful. This
shows how powerful your mind  really is. It shows how important it is to
focus on what you truly want, on that which is truly helpful to you. Exercise: Choosing Peace of Mind
To listen to a recorded version of this exercise, go to
http://www. newharbinger. com/41870. Make sure you have some time to yourself as this exercise
requires deep inquiry. You may have come to a beautiful place in
your journey with this book, or the journey may have started to
bring up deep beliefs and even discomfort. This is okay and part
of the journey. Sit comfortab ly now. Take a deep breath. Reflect
for a moment on what you have learned from the previous
chapters—guidance, trust, and acceptance—before going  into the
following exercise. Use your journal for free association. 1. Recall a recent situation when you felt stressed, for
example when you were stuck in traffic, at work, or at home
with your family. Now take some time to reflect and ask
yourself these questions: What perspective did I choose in
that situation. Was I choosing pain and conflict, or was I
choosing peace and joy. Recall your thoughts and feelings. Begin to consider that you have options and that you
can always choose again. In order to undo the tendency
to jump into past thinking in stressful situations, this
practice of considering your options rather than being
reactive invites you to be vigilant with your thoughts,
which is imperative when you want to achieve a state of
peace.
The author does not support the idea of creating our own reality or manifesting our desires. Instead, they emphasize the importance of acknowledging the power of our mind and choosing peace.
What is the author's perspective on the idea that we have to create our own reality or manifest our desires?
The author believes that we cannot find fulfillment in relationships. According to the text, true fulfillment and love can only be found by going inward and aligning with the Holy Spirit.
What is the author's view on the idea that we can find fulfillment in relationships?
The author advises that one must focus on their true desires and intentions, and choose peace consistently. They emphasize the importance of being vigilant and aware of one's thoughts and emotions, and to let go of the ego's influence.
What is the author's advice on how to achieve a state of peace?
The author believes that relationships are not the source of our fulfillment, but rather a reflection of our own unconscious beliefs and desires. They emphasize the importance of recognizing and releasing these patterns and aligning with the Holy Spirit.
What is the author's view on the concept of relationships and the ego?
The author advises that one must recognize and release their people-pleasing habits, and instead choose to be authentic and honest. They emphasize the importance of aligning with the Holy Spirit and not being controlled by the ego.
What is the author's advice on how to handle people-pleasing habits?