I had gone over their guarantee in detail with them, making
sure I would be satisfied with the agreement. I walked out of the phone store with a smile and a new phone. All was
right with the world as my yearning for the latest tech gadget had been
satisfied. My excitement, however , was dashed quickly as I discovered aspects of
the phone I didn’ t like. Not one to make a hasty retreat, I decided to give
my new relationship with the phone a few days to settle in, to see if we
might grow in fondness to each other . We didn’t, and a few days later, still well within the guarantee period, I
headed back to the phone store.“I’m not happy with this phone,” I told the stony-eyed clerk. “What’ s the problem?” she asked. “Not one thing,”  I said. “I just don’t like the way the phone functions. It
isn’t what I hoped for . I’m going to shop for a new phone.”
“Oh,” the clerk said. “If the phone is functioning right, we can’t take it
back.”
“What?” I asked incredulously . “I was told there was a money-back
guarantee if I didn’ t like the phone.”
“No,” she stated  bluntly . “There has to be a malfunction with the phone
for the guarantee to go into ef fect. W e would then of fer a replacement.”
“But that wasn’ t the agreement,” I pleaded. “I’m afraid it is,” she said. “That is company policy , and there is
nothing I can do about it.”
“I’d like to talk to the manager ,” I protested. “She’ s not in today , but I can give you her card,” she said. I took her card and made one final plea. “So there is really nothing you
can do?” I asked. “No, I’m sorry .”
She didn’t look sorry , act sorry , or seem sorry . I was annoyed, to say the
least. I went home and comp lained to my wife, who offered sincere
sympathies, having dealt with unscrupulous and dissatisfying phone and
cable companies herself. Over the next several days, I made phone calls and had lengthy
discussions, but to no avail. My wife and I discussed our options and settled
on small claims court. It would be David taking on Goliath, but that was
how it had to be. I spent days collecting data, preparing for court. I was sure of my
position and knew I was in the right. Still, I was taking on a giant of a
company that was not backing down. To make  a long story short, I remained convinced and convicted that
this company should be held accountable to their policies. I decided I
needed to fight this battle, preserve my dignity and boundaries, and
proceed. Right makes might, right? In the end, David won. What was important, however , was not the
victory but preserving my dignity . I made another statement to those in my
world about how I wanted to be treated. I recouped my money, chose adifferent phone company , and protected my boundaries—the theme of this
important chapter . What Ar e Boundaries? There is a lot of confusion swirling about regarding boundaries. With
everyone clamoring for their rights, healthy boundaries get lost in the mire. Boundaries—markers of the space between where you end and I begin
—are not what most people think about. We feel the impact of poorly
defined boundar ies. We feel the result of someone barging their way into
our world or our head, and then we react. It’s time to stop reacting and to start methodically consideri ng your
values and what you want prote cted from others. Then you can get on with
the task of setting and enforcing those boundaries. Allow me to again define boundaries. I believe it is a very
misunderstood concept. Boundaries are what separate you from me. They are like fences that set
you and what is important to you apart from me and what is important to
me. You have your house and yard, and I have mine. I may invite you over
to play—using the gate in the fence—and you may invite me over to play as
well as long as I honor what is important to you. Boundaries—that fence
with the gate—allow me to come and go and allow you to come and go
with safety and dignity . Townsend and Cloud note, “Bou ndaries help us distinguish our property
so that we can take care of it. They help us to ‘guard our heart with all
diligence.’”2
Talking about boundaries is easy; implementing them is another matter . Depending on how you’ve been  raised and the models you’ve had in your
life, boundaries may not be part of your thinking and vocabulary . As a
result, you may make mistakes like these:
1. Failing to define your values . If you haven’ t spent time reflecting on
what is important to you or don’ t evaluate what you want protected,
you are not likely to protect it. For example, if having freedom to
make personal choices is important, you won’ t know to protect that
value. If you don’ t know that having some financial freedom ofchoice is important, you won’ t know to protect that freedom. Y ou
must take time to reflect and specify your values and what is
inviolable in your life. 2. Failing to define your boundaries . Once you’ve discovered what is
important to you and worth protecting, it is critical that you establish
clear boundaries around those values. As has often been said, we
teach people how to treat us. If you don’ t protect what is important to
you, others won’ t either . You must take the time to share with others
what is critically important to you. 3. Failing to r einfor ce and monitor your boundaries . Boundaries cannot
be set once and for all. They must be continually reinforced, with
consequences for violators. Others must learn we are serious about
our boundaries. W e will not be abused or mistreated, and others must
respect us to play in our yard. W e must reinforce and monitor our
boundaries. Making mistakes regarding boun daries is easy to do. Again, if you have
not had a healthy role model showing you how to set and maintain healthy
boundaries, the concept may be foreign to you. You may feel unworthy of
defining and setting boundarie s. Yet you are valuable and worthy of
protection. Donald Miller , author of Scary Close , shares the story of a workshop he
attended where the presenter set three pillows on the floor . He had a woman
stand on the pillow on the right, and he had Don stand on the pillow on the
left. He told them they were both free to stand on the middle pillow because
they had agreed  to be in relationship with one another . Howeve r, they were
never free to stand on the other ’s pillow . Pointing to Don’ s pillow , the instructor said, “That’ s your pillow . The
only person who gets to step on that pillow is you. Nobody else. That’ s your
territory . Your soul.” The instructor then pointed to the woman’ s pillow and
gave the same advice—that was her pillow , her soul. The middle pillow
symbolized the relationship, to be shared.3
Boundaries are firm and strong , but like pillows, they’re also delicate,
soft, and tender .Why Ar e Boundaries Critical? Tamara came to see me following a very difficult separation from her
husband, Tim. Married 15 years , she never felt the freedom to be who she
wanted to be. Tamara is 38 years old but tells me she still feels 18. “How is it that I still feel so small and vulnerable?” she asked . “I’m a
professional and have successfully raised three children. I’ve accomplished
a lot in my life. Still, I’ve always felt under my husband’ s thumb. I’ve
always felt insecure and frightened. I hate this feeling.”
“Tell me more what is happening,” I said. “Tim isn’ t outwardly dominating,” she said. “He just pouts or complains
when things are not going his way. He has made me give up me in so many
ways. What he wants has always taken precedence. I just finally  got fed up
and had to leave.”
“What did you do?” I asked. “I rented an apartment,” she said. “It was tough, but I needed time and
space to clear my head. I needed to learn more about what I think and feel
without him telling me what is best for me.”
“It is critical that we feel safe to be who we are, Tamara,” I said. “That
must have been very dif ficult to get that space for yourself.”
“It was impossible,” she said. “He threatened me at first, saying he
wouldn’ t suppor t me financially . I had to be prepared to make it on my own
financially . He also threatened me with a divorce, and I had to be okay with
that. He still is very angry that I left.”
“How are you doing now?” I asked. “I’m making it, one day at a time,” she said. “I’m part of a
codependency support group through my church. I’ve got some friends who
are supporting me. I’m trying to decide whether to go back to him.”
“I understand,” I said. “I will say this to you. You have won hard-fought
ground. It has taken a lot of strength to get to where you are. You must have
changes from T im. Don’ t give up that ground too easily .”
“I agree,” she said. Emotional Abuse and BoundariesTamara is not fighting a normal battle. Hers is unique and more difficult
than others’. Why do I say that? Tamara is fighting years of oppression. She is fighting years of being
told there is only one way to do things—his way. She is fighting the feeling
of havin g built a fence over and over again to protect her valuables, only to
have that fence kicked down. Such an experience is more than disheartening. Such an experience
steals one’s confidence to keep trying. Yet like many other valiant women,
she has clawed her way out and is now wondering what to do. “I’ve learned that I can’t fight fire with fire,” she told me. “I can’t
outyell him or push past him. I can’t intimidate him or outsmart him. I had
to leave.”
Still, in all of this, Tamara was able to find freedom, and she can now
decide about her marriage. She has discovered what other women have
discovered—the importance of stating her boundary and following through. “I told him if he continued to disregard my needs, I was going to leave
him,” she said. “I said it many times when I didn’ t really have the courage
to do it. But finally I was able to follow through. He’ s listening to me now .”
Kellie Jo Holly offers this in her blog post “Personal Bounda ries Are
Important for Abuse V ictims”:
A perso nal boundary is a rule that you say cannot be broken
without consequence…The most important result is that you can
now recognize abuse when it happens to you. After writing out
even one boundary , you will experience the “red flags” popping
up all around you when your abuser steps over your line. The
red flags alert you to follow through with your plan—what you
said you would do to protect yourself. You will feel stronger and
your abuser ’s influence over you will diminish.4
Let’s walk through some possible boundaries, clarifying your values
and the consequ ences of violating your boundary . Consider each of the
following statements, inserting your own value and boundary into them.• “I value being treated with respect. If you call me names, I will leave
the house and not return until you have apologized.”
• “I value being heard. If you talk over me, I will bring that to your
attention and stop talking until you listen fully to me.”
• “I value being treated kindly . If you treat me unkindly , I’ll remove
myself from your presence.”
Notice in each of these examp les the importance of clarifying your
values, stating the boundary , and then noting the consequence. Also note
that when we set a boundary , we give up control of the outcome. We are
simply announcing to others what we will do if they violate our boundaries. Breaking Contr olling Powers
Tamara has a job to do—to break free. This does not mean she has to
divorce her husband, but she must break free from controlling powers. Joyce Meyer makes a powerful statement about this:
It is offensive to God to let other people control us. He sent
Jesus, His only Son, to purchas e freedom with his life…If you
are letting someone contro l your life—intimidate you,
manipulate you, and cause you to do what you know in your
heart is not right—then you need to break those controlling
powers. It is not God’ s will for us to be controlled by anybody
except His Holy Spirit, and even that decision He leaves up to
us.5
You can see in Meyer ’s words  the importance of breaking free from
emotional manipulation and control. Breaking free means taking the
following action steps:
1. Acknowledge your right and r esponsibility to manage your own life . Yes, you have been given a life to manage—yours. Managing yourlife is not optional. Y ou must manage it because no one is going to do
it for you. 2. Recognize when someone attempts to manipulate and contr ol you . Watch for the red flags of others attempting to think or act for you,
telling you what is best for you. Notice when they get into your head
and mess with what is important to you. 3. Expr ess your values . Share with others what is important to you. Teach people how you want to be treated. Remind them of why
something is important. 4. Confr ont and set the boundary . Confront anyone who violates a
boundary you have set as important. Be very clear about why
something is important, sharing feelings about being violated. Set the
boundary with consequences for their behavior . 5. Follow thr ough . A boundary is not a boundary without consequences. A statement made without consequences is a hope, wish, or
complaint and will have little impact. 6. Pray . Bathe all of your actions in prayer . Make sure you are listening
to God and following what He has designed as best for your life. Some of these actions may seem harsh to you, but please remem ber that
by setting boundaries we do our part to ensure our relationships are healthy . We must remain in only the relationships in which we feel respected. Letting Go of My Life
We often think of setting boundaries as a way of protecting ourselves,
and indeed it is. However , setting boundaries will also dramatically change
your life. Think about it. If you do what Tamara did—set a firm boundary with
severe consequences—you will likely separate yourself in some way from
someone you deeply care about. Tamara separated, literally and
emotionally , from her husband. Where her path will lead is unclear .In talking about a dramatic change in his life, William Bridges, author
of The W ay of T ransition , shared the following emotional experience:
I felt as though, like some latter-day Noah or Pinocchio, I had
been swallowed by some immense whale of an experience. There in the darkness, I was cut off from all that I had thought
was my life.6
Bridges captures the abject fear we feel when faced with making
changes in our lives. In preparat ion for the massive changes he experienced
with death and loss, he said, “We don’t let go of anything important until
we have exhausted all the possible ways that we might keep holding on to
it.”7
We’ve all been there—holding on for dear life, clinging to the life we
know because we know it. We search out every possible option before
embracing the prospect of change. Is it any wonder then that moving
forward, even with newfound dignity and respect, we also feel fear? Now that you are preparing, like Tamara, to insist upon change, you
may feel even more fear. It’s all right. Feel your fear and take steps forward
anyway . Insisting on Change
Unfortunately , setting and maintaining boundaries is not easy business. People are not clamoring to know your boundaries or respect them. Those
who have abused you are focused only on themselves. How then can you insist on change? Let’s revisit Tamara’ s life and the
path she has chosen. “I journaled and talked in my support group for a couple years before I
had the courage to leave,” she said. “I laid out exactly what I needed and
why I needed it. I reviewed my values, my boundaries, and what I was
asking him to do or stop doing. But ultimately , I let go of believing he
would change. That had to be up to him.”
“What did you do next?” I asked.“Nothing,” she said. “Well, not exactly nothing, of course. When he
pushed back again and again, I gave up. Not in a bad way. I just figured it
was time for me to manage my life, not his.”
“That sounds very healthy ,” I said. Robin Norwood, author of Women Who Love Too Much , says stopping
managing and controlling him…
requires learning to say and do nothing. This is one of the most
difficult tasks you face in your recovery . When his life is
unmanageable, when everything in you wants to take over, to
advise and encourage him, to manipulate the situation in
whatever way you can, you must learn to hold still, to respect
the other person enough to allow the struggle to be his, not
yours.8
Yet your backin g off must be balanced with pressing in. You must set
those critical boundaries and hold to them. Then, after setting your
boundaries and being perfectly clear how you want and expect to be treated,
let go. Give him space to decid e how he is going to treat you and respond
accordingly . Remember , insisting on change to play in your yard means insisting on
change. Your message cannot be fuzzy or couched in too many “I hope”
and “I wish” statements. No, it must be firm, clear , and precise. “I told Tim that unless he sought professional help, I would be leaving,”
Tamara said. “Once-a-month counseling would not do it. It had to be with a
professional who knew about emotional abuse. I interviewed several
therapists so I would know who could handle someone like him. I told Tim
I had a list of references if he wanted them. He didn’ t, so here I am.”
How Much Change Is Enough? Perhaps the most difficult question I ask victims of narcissistic and
emotional abuse is, “How much change is enough?”
This always stops women, causing them to pause and reflect. I offer a
bit of clarificati on. “Do you want minor changes, a little sanding off ofrough edges? Or do you want significant change? Do you want him to fully
understand the ways he has been abusive, take responsibility for those
behaviors, and have a treatment plan for change?”
Their answer is always the same. “I want significant change,” they say. “A little bit of change won’ t do me any good. I can’t take anything but real
change.”
Okay . That helps clarify what they don’t want—superficial, Band-Aid
change. But it doesn’ t specify what real change looks like. It doesn’t define
and specify the change, determ ine how it will be measured, choose who
does the measuring, and so on. More questions are raised than answered. Lundy Bancroft has this to say:
The tactic that the men we work  with most employ to keep their
partners waiting and hoping is to make minor changes. Ironically , the longer a man resists addressing anything that his
partner wants him to deal with, the more mileage he can get out
of finally making a little move.9
We still haven’ t answered the question, how much change is enough? That question is highly personal. I suspect, however , that by now you have
a pretty good idea of what you need. If you are still in doubt, try this. Write
out all the changes you would like him to make for you to be happy . What
does he do that hurts you, and what would the opposite look like? Be
specific and honest with yours elf. Would you settle for less? Have you
made these issues perfectly clear to him? Change is difficult and challeng ing. Again, Bancroft helps us determine
whether the abuser is really doing his work. Look at him critically and
assess whether he has made the following changes:
1. He surr ounds himself with new , better influences . You’ll know he has
begun to change when he chooses to be around healthy influences. These, of course, can be found only in certain places—where healthy
people congregate. (Or at least those striving to be healthy . )2. He’s listening to you and valuing your opinions . This one is so
critical. Y ou’ll know he’ s getting better because he fully listens to you
and deeply considers what you have to say . He recognizes your innate
wisdom. He knows you’re not out to get him; rather , you have his
best interests in mind. In fact, he defers to you in many matters
because of your wisdom. 3. He takes char ge of his life and his change pr ocess . You’ll know he’ s
making progress because he has taken char ge of his healing. Y ou no
longer want or need to have your hand on his back. He takes char ge
of his growth. He wants to grow and gets excited about going to
church, support groups, and counseling. 4. He has given up the victim r ole. You’ll know he’ s making progress
because he no longer mentions the raw deal he’ s getting. In fact, he’ s
happy changes have come into his life. Not only is he not a victim,
but he’ s leading the char ge to eliminate narcissistic and emotional
abuse. 5. He takes meaningful actions in support of your goals . You’ll know
he’s making progress because he champions not only his life but
yours as well. He is interested in what God is doing in your life. He is
excited to see you achieve your goals and helps you attain them. 6. He demonstrates a commitment to long-term goals . You’ll know he’ s
making progress because he is in it—growth—for the long haul. He’ s
not watching his clock or calendar to know when he can stop
meeting, reading, and growing. He is excited about change and
welcomes feedback from you.10
Quite a list, huh? This may all seem impossible, but it isn’t. Men who
are ready to change, who have  moved beyond the preliminary stages of
healing, can actually get here. This list will help you determine  how far he
has come and how far he has to go. Accountability for ChangeThe above list will help you determine whether he is invested in change. Even if he is invested in change, however , it is critical that he be held
accountable to continue with the change process. If he is invested in change, he will not balk at accountability . In fact, he
will invite it into his life. He knows, as do you, that unless someone is
watching over our backs, we can stray off the trail. We all need
accountability . Scripture tells us, “If you think you are standing firm, be careful that
you don’t fall!” (1 Corinthians 10:12). This warning is not meant to make
us fearful, but mindful. “Be careful” is the admonition. Watch your step
because it is easy to slip backward. If we aren’ t diligent with support, a
clear path of change, and commitment to that change, regression is
common. I believe there are three important aspects to accountability—an d this is
another marker for determining whether you and your mate are on a path to
change. • You have a clear goal . You have identified what it is exactly that you
are attempting to change. • You have outlined clear strategies for change . You know exactly how
you will accomplish your goal. The more specific, the better . • You have set a time when you will achieve your goal . Setting a time
line for achieving your goal keeps you on track. A goal with no time
line is rarely achieved. How does this apply to you? You will need to review your life and
determine whether you have established clear , practical, and enforceable
boundaries. If not, how and when will you do this? Boundaries and Reparations
Progress, not perfection. That is our goal. You are well on your way to understanding how you’ve been impacted
by abuse, the tactics used by people who have abused you, and the stepsyou can take for healing. There will be bumps along the way, and you need to know what to
expect regarding making repairs when those bumps occur . Without repair ,
your relationship  cannot prosper . In fact, intentional steps at repairing your
relationship may disintegrate. Relapse is typically part of progress. Most of
us slip back now and again. When we do, however , repairs must be made. Apologies must be part of any boundary plan. When you have been violated, a sincere apology will include three
powerful steps. It is critical that you expect and receive each of these three
critical components of an apology . A sincer e apology . The violator must be sincerely sorry for what he has
done. You will feel his heart of contrition. His remorse should be palpable if
he is truly sorry . When sincerely sorry , the violator should be moved with compassion. He will feel some of the pain of the one he has wounded. He will feel deep
regret and remo rse and will be able to show it to you. You should feel his
regret. Acceptance of responsibility . The violator takes full responsibility for
the harm he has caused. He is willing to explore the depths of the pain he
has caused. He reflects on the impact of his actions and listens  intently as
you share your wound. When one accepts responsibilit y and the wide-reaching impact of his
actions, the likelihood of the action being repeated is mitigated . A sincere
apology , remors e and regret, and acceptance of responsibility for the harm
he has caused is a powerful combination. Appr opriate amends . The violator understands that an apology is not
enough. The past cannot be undone, but efforts can be made to ensure harm
is not caused in the future. Ef forts are made to of fer restitution. I recently met with a man whose wife left him because of his emotional
abuse. He had traveled a long distance to engage in a two-d ay personal
intensive, where  I challenged him to dig deep within himself, discovering
how and why he had been abusive. He had previously resisted change,
leading to the separation. A central part of his work during these two days
was learning the skill of making a sincere apology to his wife, taking full
responsibility for all the ways he had harmed her, and mapping out his plan
to make her feel loved and safe going forward.Unless all three of these compon ents are part of the restoration process,
healing is not likely to occur . Again, the violator will want to do each of
these steps well, knowing they are responsible for harm and to a large
extent, for healing. Freedom and Intimacy
Maintaining your dignity by setting personal boundaries has
implications for us and those we care about. The process of setting
boundaries leads us into an exciting place—freedom. It is imperative that we all unde rstand and master the art of setting and
maintaining boundaries. In this atmosphere we invite others to be who they
are and ask them to honor who we are as well. Many will appreciate our
efforts to define  ourselves and ask others to honor who we are, while many
may not. Jordan and Mar garet Paul, in their landmark book Do I Have to Give Up
Me to Be Loved by Y ou?, remind us of some pivotal truths. We must cherish our individual freedom and be willing to deal
with our partner ’s reaction to it—which is often pain, anger or
indifference. And we must not restrict our partner ’s freedom…If
I don’t give you this freedom, my love is only a thinly disguised
method for controlling you. When we care deeply enough for
our partn er to explore how he or she is affected by our behavior
and to help him or her understand the fears that arise in the face
of our freedom, intimacy deepens.11
This business of setting boundaries, monitoring them, and honoring
others’ boundari es is tricky . This, however , is where true connec tion occurs. We listen carefully to what others say to us. We listen carefully to who they
say they are and what they say they need. If—and this is a big if—what
they want does not violate us in any way , we honor their wishes. This is our only true path to intimacy and healthy connection. This is
our only path to being healt hy individuals, capable of entering and
maintaining loving, healthy relationships.The Path Forward
Boundaries are an integral part of healing, and it is up to you to
incorporate them  into your life in a meaningful way. This is your one and
only beautiful life, and you must protect it. Setting and managing your boundaries is a fantastic way to monitor
your well-being , because we are typically as healthy as the boundaries we
set for our lives. If you are not feeling respected, review your boundaries
and consider changes you need to make. If your life is going well, you are
likely setting, managing, and protecting your boundaries. We are now heading into the final chapter of the book, “Rediscovering
Your Godly Self.” I’m excited to share this information with you. OceanofPDF .com13
REDISCOVERING YOUR GODLY SELF
You’ve got to find yourself first. Everything else will follow . CHARLES DE LINT
Jill is a unique woman. She is amazing in many ways. She chose to stay in
her marriage to T odd, who has a history of emotional abuse. You might think  Jill is weak, afraid, and confused. You might think she
is in denial, pushing away the traumatic realities of her life. You would be
wrong. She is anything but weak, afraid, or confused. She is clear , strong,
and determined. Jill is different from many wom en who come to see me. She has a spark
I cannot define. She is sure of herself even in a chaotic world. Most would
crumble under similar circumstances. How did this 40-year -old woman get to this landing place? “I spend a lot of time praying and reading, and I get a lot of support,”
she told me. “I’ve watched videos and really explored this issue.”
“And?” I asked. “I’m not sure about the future. Todd has been going to counse ling for
six months and seems to be changing. He has slips, but generally I see
progress. At least enough to make me want to stay .”
“How did T odd happen to enter counseling?” I asked. “Not easily , I can tell you that,” she said. “We had years of difficulty . We’d go to see one counselor after another , and nothing changed. I guessthat happens to a lot of abused women. I kept persisting, and it wasn’ t until
I separa ted from  him for six months that he really decided it was time to
change.”
“And he’ s been changing?” I asked. “Yes. He’s in a really good group at our church and is in his own
counseling. I see the counselo r with him once a month. He’s definitely
working a program. I’m proud of him.”
Still, Jill looked worried. “To tell you the truth, I’m afraid of how my
future with T odd will be, but I’m sure I want to walk this out with him.”
“So, how are you doing?” I asked. “I have my good  days and my bad days,” she said. “Mostly good days. When he treats me with respect, I do fine. When he gets defensive, which is
still a part of his personality , I have to really work to stay center ed. But I’ve
learned how to do that.”
“Women who decide to stay with critical, defensive husbands have big
challenges,” I said. “I understand that,” she said. “Even when Todd is defensive, I watch for
signs of progres s and see them. Mostly , I have to remind myself who I am,
why I’m staying , and what I have to do to ensure he is as safe as possible to
be with.”
“Why are you staying?” I asked. “I’ve been given  a ton of advice,” she said. “Some people question me
and tell me to leave. Others tell me I should stay. In the end, I have to
decide. I’m the only one who lives my life, and I’ve decided it’s worth it. He is a good man, and for the most part, I like my marriage.”
She paused. “I don’t think I answ ered you,” she said, smiling. “Why am
I staying ? Because I believe we are working together to be healthy . He is
doing enough to give me hope . I’m practicing setting boundaries, being
assertive in a healthy way, holdi ng him accountable, and remembering who
I am. He doesn’ t define me. God defines me.”
Her words echoed in my mind—“God defines me.”
I listened carefully to her, still wondering how she was able to be so
stable amid her challenges. How was she able to move from being reactive
—reacting to the things Todd has done to her in the past—to being her own
person, defined by God?“Don’ t get me wrong,” she continued. “I have days when I reconsider
my decision. I’m still healing from what has happened. But for now, I’m
choosing to stay and work on our marriage together . I’m choosing to work
on me in my marriage, not away from him.”
“I’m very impressed with your self-confidence, Jill,” I said. “You have
something a lot of women woul d like. You sound very clear and filled with
conviction.”
“Today ,” she said softly . We continued to talk about what was helping Jill stay balance d while
living in a marriage with problems. She shared more about her marriage as
a place to grow and rediscover  her godly self—and that is what this final
chapter is about. Crisis as Opportunity
This book has largely been about understanding the impact of
narcissistic and emotional abuse. I have written from the victim’ s
perspective. As I bring this book to a close, I want to emphasize that you
are not only a victim, but a survivor—one who overcomes. You may have related to the stories of courageous women struggling to
heal from this abuse, so perhaps it will be a bit more difficult to identify
with women like Jill. But she is part of a significant group of women who
have chosen to utilize their marriage as their place to grow . Women like Jill
see their marriage not only as a place of struggle and challenge but also as a
place of opportunity . Is it possible to heal amid the crisis? Is it possible to carve out a space
where you can not only embrace and nurture your wounds but also thrive? Many women like Jill of fer a solid yes. When facing crises, we usually try to cope. We clinch our teeth, grip our
chair , and hold on for dear life. We try to avoid crises because they are
typically places of pain. Jill would say dif ferently . “I’m viewing this as a time to grow ,” she said. “It is most definitely a
hard time in my life. I’m not completely happy with Todd. But I’m leaning
into the experience and trying to see what God has for me in it.”
Consider some of the benefits of a marriage crisis.First, your world is shaken up . When experiencing a crisis, the world we
have known is rattled. We can no longer keep doing things the way we’ve
always done them. W e must change. “I am so upset with Todd at times that I have to step back and look at
things from a new angle,” Jill said. “I can’t live the way I’ve always lived. It’s not working  for me. My emotions are in an uproar , and I have to attend
to them.”
Second, you can view your situation differ ently . When our world is
turned upside down, we have a chance to view things differently . We can
look for the opportunity in the crisis. When our world is shaken up, we can
let go of the known and at least take a glimpse of the unknown. “I can keep complaining about my marriage,” Jill said, “or I can decide
what I want to do. I discovered I had choices. That was powerful for me.”
Third, you have an opportunity to change . Relationships tend to
continue in the same patterns unless we experience enough discomfort. When we reach the tipping point of discomfort, change is possible. “I decided to be different in my marriage,” Jill said. “I had focused on
Todd changing for the longest time. I made a shift and decided I was going
to be dif ferent and see what happens.”
Are you a perso n who delves into a crisis to find the opportunity , or are
you always looking backward at the missed opportunities? Your answer is
critical and may indicate a need to change perspectives. Being the Change Y ou W ant
Mahatma Gandh i is often quoted  as saying, “Be the change you wish to
see in the world.” It’s a great paraphrase, but here’ s the actual quote: “If we
could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As
a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change
towards him…W e need not wait to see what others do.”1
Rediscovering your godly self means envisioning who you want to be
and then being it. It means believing that God still has a plan for your life
and that you can discover it. Perhaps I make it sound too simple, perhaps not. What if being your
perfect self, the self you and God want you to be, means a change of
perspective? Rather than focusing on your husband, you focus on you.Henrik Edber g, in his blog post “Gandhi’ s 10 Rules for Chan ging the
World,” shares these provoking thoughts:
1. Change yourself . I’ve written that change begins with you. Now I’m
adding that I want you to focus on changing you, not him. If you
change yourself, you will change your world. Additionally , if you
change your world without changing yourself, you will still be the
same. 2. You ar e in contr ol. You are not in control of everything, of course,
nor are others totally in control of you. However , you control
yourself and your choices. Y ou control your thoughts, your actions,
and to a certain extent, your emotions. As you change your actions,
your emotions will change as well. 3. Forgive and let go . Scripture of fers sobering counsel when it says,
“If you for give other people when they sin against you, your
heavenly Father will also for give you” (Matthew 6:14). While rarely
easy, you can for give others. This certainly does not mean allowing
anyone to abuse you, but it does mean you let go of resentment in
your heart. 4. Without action, you ar en’t going anywher e. Thinking, reflecting, and
even praying are good practices. But action must follow . You must
do something to become the person you want to be. T ake a small
step today toward becoming that person. 5. Take car e of this moment . As tempting as it is to get ahead of
ourselves, worrying and planning for tomorrow , we must stay in this
present moment and take care of it. Make choices as to how you
want to live in this moment. 6. Everyone is human . It is critical that you not hold others to
unreasonable standards. Just as you want others to allow you room
to make mistakes, so you must allow others to do the same. As youreflect on their humanity , you may find more in them that you care
about. 7. Persist . In time, as you change, the opposition around may fade. Certainly as you grow and become stronger and more resolved,
others see and cannot help but respect these changes. Many will
begin to accept this new you. While this is still not guaranteed, as
you change you will begin to see others notice and treat you
differently . 8. See the good in people and help them . We are all a combination of
good and bad. See the good. When you see the good in others, you
will be more likely to care about them and help them. Everyone is
struggling a fierce battle and needs our help. 9. Be congruent, be authentic, be your true self . Your thoughts, words,
and actions need to be in alignment. When they are, you send a clear
message. When you know your convictions and live them out,
others will hear and feel them and likely will come to respect them. 10. Continue to gr ow and evolve . You can keep growing. Y ou have not
arrived, nor have I. Have compassion for yourself and the journey
you are on. Continue going to your support group and church,
reading, and attending to other aspects of your recovery . Notice that
he, too, is on his own journey .2
This is an incredible list of action steps to propel you in the right
direction. Perhaps you can select one or two that really speak to you and
make them your goals for becoming the best version of yourself—the
person God wants you to be. Giants in the Land
All of this may sound too easy, especially when there are those shouting
that he cannot change or that you are a victim with few choices. Your worldmay be filled with people who have victim mentalities. Y ou cannot af ford to
indulge in that kind of thinking. Rediscovering your godly self means facing opposition. It means
listening carefully to those with experience in narcissistic and emotional
abuse, but it also means listening to yourself. There will alwa ys be people who tell you that you cannot reach your
goals. That you cannot be a survivor . That the obstacles are simply too high,
the challenges too great. I’ve included some stories of biblical characters who faced opposition
and overcame it. Moses was one of those individuals. Moses was the leader of the Israelites. They constantly grumb led and
complained even though they were promised a land filled with milk and
honey . Moses captured the vision God had for His people. One day the Lord spoke directly to Moses, giving him clear instructions. “The L ORD spoke to Moses saying, ‘Send out for yourself men so that they
may spy out the land of Canaan, which I am going to give to the sons of
Israel’” (Numbe rs 13:1-2 NASB ). God, of course, knew what was in Canaan. God was testing Israel to see if they would have faith in His promises. God
had already gone before them, and their task was to follow in faith. Moses followed God’ s instructio ns and sent twelve men to scout out the
land. The first report came back with ten of the twelve saying indeed the
land did flow with milk and honey . They even brought back luscious grapes
to show how plentiful the land was. But there were enemies in the land that
were big and strong and mighty—giants! Aren’ t these words reminiscen t of those in our lives who spoil our
dreams? We’ve all had people tell us we could not go where we wanted to
go or do what we wanted to do. You’ve heard people say you cannot
survive in the midst of narcissistic abuse. Even a small amount of abuse
will completely stifle your growth, they say . Two of the twelve men Moses sent out, Caleb and Joshua, stood up
against the other ten. They admitted that indeed there were enemies in the
land, but they said they should go up against the enemies because they
would overcome them. You know the feeling—taking a stand against others. You know when
your optimism is faced squarel y with pessimism. Ten of the spies didn’ t
share Caleb and Joshua’ s optimism.They spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land
they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devour s
those living in it. All the people  we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there…W e seemed like grasshoppers in
our own eyes, and we looked  the same to them” (Number s
13:32-33). Joshua and Caleb were not swayed from what they saw and believed. The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good . If the LORD is pleas ed with us, he will lead us into that land, a
land flowing with milk and honey , and will give it to us
(Numbers 14:7-8). The moral of the story is this: Discouragement is contagious. It is easier
to believ e you cannot do somet hing than to believe you can. It is easy to
slip into doubtin g what you have heard God say to you. Consider again
Jill’s words. “I have a sense that I can trust changes are happening with Todd. He is
working with a great group of guys, and I’ve even heard from some of their
wives about good things happening in that group. I keep thinking about not
being defined by others, but being defined by God.”
Jill paused again. “I’m not sayin g my path is right for everyone, but it’s
right for me. The Lord gave me the Scripture, ‘The LORD is my light and
my salvation—w hom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?’” (Psalm 27:1). To whom are you listening? Are people saying you should be afraid
when God tells you to have faith? Be careful and be certain about which
voices you will attend to. If you see enough positive signs to give you hope
and give you confidence to stay , perhaps that’ s the right thing to do. Marriage as a Place to Gr ow
Many like to tell me the only place they struggle in relationships is in
their marriage. They share this with me as a justification for the problembeing just in their marriage, not their personality . It’s not true. I’ve been a member of that club—blaming my marriage for my irritable
temperament—but I eventually realized I was being unfair . Truth be known,
marriage is the place where our issues come to the surface. Our mate is the
primary person who knows our issues. Now , please don’t read into this any kind of justification for narcissistic
and emotional abuse. It is anything but that. What I’m saying is that you
have an opportunity to step back and see what issues are revealed in your
marriage. Marriage reveals issues more often than it creates them. What if you viewed your marria ge as a place to grow , not just as a place
to cope? Again, please understand I don’t want you to stay in an abusive
environment where you cannot be healthy . What I am saying is that Jill’s
story is worth considering. Healing can sometimes happen in an imperfect
marriage. Let’s consider how you would decide whether you can grow in your
marriage. What are the issues to consider? First, can you be healthy in your marriage? This is a critic al issue. If
you find yourself regressing, getting emotionally or physically ill, I don’t
believe you should stay with your mate. Whether you are like Jill and choose to stay in your marriage  or feel
unsettled and emotionally challenged, you must be healthy . You have a
responsibility to yourself, your children, and even to God to take care of
yourself. Second, can you feel safe? If you cannot feel safe, you cannot grow
emotionally and be well physically . Feeling unsafe every day takes a
tremendous toll. You must have  some measure of safety to be the person
God has called you to be. Third, does your mate take at least some responsibility for your welfar e
and the welfar e of the marriage? You cannot improve your marriage alone. You must have some degree of cooperation to have a healthy marriage, and
your marriage must be somewhat healthy for you to be healthy yourself. Finally , does your mate allow you space to grow emotionally and
spiritually? He may not join you on your healing journey , but he must at
least allow you space to grow . That means he must allow you to do thethings that bring growth to your life, such as attend support groups, attend
church, and enjoy healthy friendships. If your mate supports your growth and is deeply involved in his own
healing journey , it may be possible for you to remain in the marriage. In
fact, if you can get healthy together , your marriage may be an excellent
place to grow . Self-Car e Is Resistance
Finding an emotional and physic al space where you can grow is critical. Only when you feel safe can you find a peaceful place to listen to God,
healthy friends, and yourself. Self-care is more than getting support, however . It is also taking a stand
against what is wrong. It is about having convictions and acting on those
convictions. Mysia Anderson , in her meaningful blog post “Self-Care Is Resistance,”
says self-care is much more than intentional acts of kindness toward
yourself such as taking naps, eating well, exercising, and stepping back
from commitments, as importan t as these steps are. She says self-care is not
only an act of love but a form of resistance. Living and surviving in the midst of scrutiny and violence is a
radical act. Intentionally caring for your well-being, and making
attempts to love yourself despite insults and dangers against
your being, is a radical act.3
The concept of resistance may feel radical to you. It would be nice if we
had a throng of cheerleaders to champion our progress, but this won’ t
always be the case. In fact, it is likely you will feel painfully alone at times. Nonetheless, you must determine to follow the path the Lord has laid out
for you. When you meet with those who doubt you and shout, “There are
giants in the land,” you must push back. You must resist and claim your
identity . If you are certain of your path, hold fast to it. Finding Meaning in the StruggleOne key to rediscovering your godly self is to find meaning in the midst
of your struggle, not in the absence of it. This is a powerful truth. Many of us wait for the struggle to end before
moving forward  with our lives. Complaining about the way life is, we tell
ourselves we will take action and grow when it is perfectly safe to do so. However , histor y has shown that we must find meaning and make difficult
decisions in the midst of struggle. We have countless examples of people who have exhibited strength and
tremendous courage when experiencing unspeakable difficulty . Abraham
Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr ., Nelson Mandela, and countless others have
risen above their trials to provide inspiration to us all. Of course, our
greatest example is Jesus Himself. Long ago, as a college student filled with angst, I discovered the book
that changed many people’ s perspective on life— Man’ s Search for
Meaning , writte n by Viktor Frankl in 1946. In it he chronicled his
experience in the Auschwitz concentration camp during World War II. He
wrote about how he found purpose in the midst of incredible suffering. He
identified something in his experience that was meaningfu l and then
immersed himself in that outcome. Frankl concluded the meaning of life can be found in every moment of
living and that life never ceases to have meaning, even in suffering and
death. He said that a prisoner ’s reactions were not solely based on the
conditions of his life but also the freedom of choice one alway s has in his
suffering. He noted that suffering ceases to be suffering when we find
meaning in our experience.4
What do Frankl’ s words mean to you? You have not been in a
concentration camp, but you have endured suffering. You have likely
questioned why you are in the situation you are in. Perhaps you’ve gone so
far as to questio n God and wonder why you have not found a miraculous
release from your pain. Know that there is purpose in your life, even in
spite of your circumstances. Chrysalis
I can remember  the first time I read about the chrysalis. I must have
been all of ten years old. I read with amazement.How could an insect enter into a tiny case for months and go through a
transformation, mer ging in the spring as a butterfly? This was impossible. I read more. It was true. I took a keen interest and actually watched the
transformation occur in nature. The caterpillar spun its chrysalis and
emer ged months later as a butterfly . The chrysalis has had special meaning
for me ever since. I believe we all can enter a “chrysalis season” and
emer ge as butterflies. Regardless of what happens in your life, it is imperative that you find
your purpose—the transformation needed. It is critical to discov er who God
has meant you to be so you can enter a change process and emer ge as
something entirely new . It is exciting to consider that you can discover your godly self
regardless of what is taking place in your life. You may feel exhausted from
your journey, but you still have a voice crying out to be heard. You have
gifts and talents to share with others. There is a new you ready to burst onto
the scene with bright colors. Take your eyes off your circum stances for a moment. Reflect on who
your godly self really is. Consider what moves you. Are you moved when you hear a story of a homeless person being given
food and shelter? Do you have an interest in helping those less fortunate
than you? This may indicate a passion and purpose. Are you moved when walking through an art gallery , viewing exquisite
paintings and sculptures? Time seems to stand still as your eyes are affixed
to the artistry before you. This may reveal some creativity within. Are you touched when hearing Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman
sing “Time to Say Goodbye”? Perhaps music has some special meaning to
you and signals something for you to attend to. You may long to be wealthy and able to give boundlessly to others, or to
be a painter , sculptor , or musician, but you can only be you. Still, you can
be the best you possible. This means finding your voice, your artistry , your
passion, and giving expression to it. Finding Y our V oice
Having learned that marriage can be a place to grow if there is a
measure of safety , and armed with a new mindset, it is critical to add yetsomething more. Stephen Covey , author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People ,
wisely decided there was an eighth habit needed for people to become all
they were meant to be: “Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs.”
In his last book, The 8th Habit , Covey passionately says,
The 8th Habit…is the voice of the human spirit—full of
hope and intelligence, resilient by nature, boundless in its
potential to serve the common good…
The power to discover our voice lies in the potential that was
bequeathed to us at birth. Laten t and undeveloped, the seeds of
greatness were planted. We were given magnificent
“birthgifts”—talents, capacities, privileges, intelligences,
opportunities—that would remain largely unopened excep t
through our own decision and ef fort.5
This is so true. There is within us a God-given desire to be all we can
be, to express the yearning to find our voice in life. We want to talk about
what is happening within us. W e want to be heard and to hear . What is it you want to say? Who is it you want to be? If you are like me,
you have a mess age you want to proclaim. You want to influence others in
some way, be it with your music, your art, your writing. Perhaps it is with
your service and acts of kindness for humanity . As you use your voice and speak out your truths, you will grow . As you
find your community of safety , your voice will become stronger . Choosing to Leave, Choosing to Stay
As you find your voice and discover your ability to make choices,
perhaps your greatest decision is whether you choose to leave or to stay. Perhaps you find you must leave to feel healthy and safe. Perhaps your decision to leave will be permanent. You have tried and
tried to single-handedly save your marriage, only to become more
exhausted and weary . Feeling utterly abandoned and mistreated, you have
decided you must leave.Perhaps, like many others, you have decided to stay for now. Yet you
recognize you must rediscover your passion for life. You must live, not just
survive. Perhaps like Jill, you decide to stay and to thrive. You have a sense you
can be healthy even as your mate attempts to become healthy . Regardless of
his actio ns, you have decided for a season you will focus on you and being
the person God designed you to be. You will experiment with life and see
where it takes you. Townsend and Cloud, in their book Safe People , note that the key to
deciding whether to leave or stay hinges on one last factor: Can the person
you’re with be safe?6
While they list numerous indicators of a safe person, one in particular
stands out that I would like to highlight. Unsafe people think they have it all
together rather than admitting weaknesses. Becoming your godly self means being vulnerable, open to others, and
influencing others. This cannot be done in a hostile, threatening
environment. Consider once more what Jill has discovered. “For me to stay meant having several very firm talks with Todd. I could
stay as long as he was working on himself. I could stay as long as he gave
me some room to explore mysel f, supporting my involvement in my groups
and my church. Those were prerequisites to me staying. I didn’ t need him to
be on the same path I was on, but he had to support my journey .”
Notice Jill needed room to explore herself. This will be different for
each person. For some it means  an absence of crazy-making behaviors. For
others it means knowing their mate is working to become healthy . For
others it means simply being given the freedom to be on their own healing
path without criticism for that journey . What do you need to feel safe? What do you need to explore who God
has designed you to be? All Things W ork T ogether for Good
You have undoubtedly wondere d why you are in the situation you are
in. Why  have you not been miraculously freed? Like the man sitting by the
pool of Bethesd a, you may have  wondered why you have not been healed. Why have your circumstances not changed?I cannot answer those questions. What I can do, however , is of fer hope. The apostle Paul offers a most perplexing yet hopeful message when he
says, “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love
him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). Does this mean that all things are good? Of course not. Bad behavior is
bad. Hurtful behavior is hurtful. God never approves of abuse. Yet there is a powerful and hopeful message in this for you and me. All
things—trials, losses, suf fering, mistreatment—can work together for good. How can good come from mistreatment and abuse? I have heard many testimonies from women in abusive relati onships. They have shared with me that their suffering has caused them to reflect on
God in a deeper way. Their abuse has caused them to drop to their knees in
pain and search for God. It has caused them to critically review their
perspective to see if there is something about themselves they need to
change. Mostly , these women have taught me the important lesson of trusting
God to guide them. They have learned lessons of being joyful always,
praying continually , and giving thanks in all their circumstances. Love Does
You are in a less-than-perfect relationship. In the midst of this, I
encourage you to embrace a truth: God loves you and encourages you to
love yourself and others. In Hosea 11 we read how God loved His children, Israel, even though
they turned away from Him. While Israel kept failing, God kept loving. God is a loving Father who desires His best for His children. This is a powerful image to bear in mind as you consider your situation
and make critica l decisions about your future. God persists in His love for
you. God persists in of fering you wisdom to make the very best decisions. It is the dead of winter as I finish writing this book. During the many
months of writing, a pair of eagles—whom I’ve nicknamed Jack and Jill—
have been build ing a nest. Actu ally, they’re building what appears to be a
three-story condominium complex. At times I’ve seen only one of them doing the building. I’ve wondered
what happened to the other . Was he or she kicked out of the nest? Did theyhave a spat? W as there a divorce? Sometime later the other would show up, often carrying another branch
for the emer ging complex. Did he or she arrive with this gift to repair a
broken relationship? I don’ t know . As of today they are together . As of today they continue buildi ng, each
with respective responsibilities I don’t fully understand. What I know is I
have been shocked at their tenac ity. They have worked tirelessly throughout
the heat of summer , the cool breezes of fall, and now the freezing
temperatures of winter . They never stop. I’ve watched these majestic birds drag limbs ten times the length of
their bodies through the air to their nest-condo complex. With talons
clinging to their foundation material, flooring, and walls, they just keep
building, creating a nest for love to continue. I imagine Jack and Jill to be thrilled with their enterprise. Come spring,
if all goes according to plan, they’ll be raising a fine family on Puget
Sound. I imagine they love each other and are dedicated to loving each
other . Again, whether you choose to stay or leave, please continue to love. Create your own nest where you can love yourself and others. Persist in
your love. Love yourself well. Love others well. Love your mate, even if it
means from a distance. Maintain healthy boundaries, ensurin g safety , so
that you can love freely . The Path Forward
It is time to bring this book to a close. There is so much more I could
say, and I will wonder what I’ve forgotten. Is there a critical concept left
unsaid? I hope you will forgive me if I have not spoken strongly enough about a
particular issue. I hope you will understand I am writing about something
not fully understood. The path you are on is a relati vely new one. Many have gone before
you, but the path of recovery from narcissistic and emotional abuse is still
newly formed. Y ou are a trailblazer in every sense of the word. I hope you will let your voice be known. Teach friends, family ,
churches, and communities about narcissistic and emotional abuse. Teachthe teachers. Teach the counselors who think they know what they’re
talking about, but are naive—including me. I wish you God’ s best in your path forward. OceanofPDF .comNOTES
Chapter 1: Swept Off Y our Feet
1. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disor ders, 4th ed. (Washington, DC: American
Psychiatric Association, 1994). Chapter 2: Power , Privilege, and Personality
1. Mike Bundrant, “10 Traits of Powerful People,” PsychCentral, Septemb er 7, 2015,
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/power -submission/2015/09/10-traits-of-powerful-people/. 2. Mary Lamia, “Envy: The Emotion Kept Secret,” Psychology Today , March 15, 2011,
https://www .psychologytoday .com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201 103/envy-the-
emotion-kept-secret. 3. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, “The Dark Side of Charisma,” Harvar d Business Review , November
16, 2012, https://hbr .org/2012/1 1/the-dark-side-of-charisma. 4. Mark Banschick, “The Dangerous Attrac tion of Powerful Men,” Psychology Today, September
18, 2013, https://www .psychologytoday .com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/the-dangerous-
attraction-powerful-men. Chapter 3: Falling for Him Again
1. Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? (New Y ork: Berkley Books, 2003), 98. 2. Robert Weiss, “This Is Your Brain on Love,” Psychology Today , January 28, 2015,
https://www .psychologytoday .com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201501/is-your -brain-
love. 3. Ibid. 4. Ibid. 5. Scott Peck, The Road Less T raveled  (New Y ork: Simon & Schuster , 1978), 88-89. 6. Ibid., 89. 7. Brittany Wong, “9 Signs You’re in Love  with a Narcissist,” Huffington Post, March 30, 2015,
http://www .huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/30/sorry-youre-in-love-with-a-narcissist-
_n_6956408.html. Chapter 4: How Dar e You Say That!1. Dr. John M. Gohol, “15 Common Cognitive Distortions,” PsychCentral ,
https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/. 2. Kathleen Krajco, “Narcissists Hypersens itive? To What?” What Makes Narcissists Tick? (blog),
February 5, 2007, http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/02/narcissists-hypersensitive-to-
what.html. 3. Sam V aknin, Malignant Self Love: Nar cissism Revisited  (Czech Republic: Narcissus Publications,
2015). http://www .escapeabuse.com/MSL8.htm. 4. Aubyn De Lisle, “The Wounded Self—The Torture of Narcissism,” Counselli ng Directory ,
January 22, 2015, http://www .counselling-directory .org.uk/counsellor -articles/the-wounded-self-
the-torture-of-narcissism. 5. Craig Malkin, “5 Early Warning Signs You’re with a Narcissist,” Psychology Today , June 21,
2013, https://www .psychologytoday .com/blog/romance-redux/201306/5-early-warning-
signsyoure-narcissist. 6. Michael J. Formica, “Understanding the Dynamics of Abusive Relationships,” Psychology T oday ,
July 14, 2008, https://www .psychologytoday .com/blog/enlightened-living/200807/understanding-
the-dynamics-abusive-relationships. 7. Ibid. Chapter 5: Nar cissistic V ictim Syndr ome
1. Christine Hammond, “Identifying Victims of Narcissistic Abuse,” PsychCentral , October 13,
2015, https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2015/10/identifying-victims-of-narcissistic-
abuse/. 2. Marylene Cloitre et al., “Distinguishing  PTSD, Complex PTSD, and Borderlin e Personality
Disorder: A latent class analysis,” European Journal of Psycho-T raumatology , September 15,
2014, http://www .tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3402/ejpt.v5.25097. 3. Kim Saeed, “6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome,” Let Me Reach , October
12, 2015, https://letmereach.com/2015/10/12/6-strong-signs-you-have-narcissistic-abuse-
syndrome/. 4. Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? (New Y ork: Berkley Publishing Group, 2002), 98. Chapter 6: The Many Faces of Emotional Abuse
1. Mary J. Yerkes, “FAQs About Emotional Abuse,” Focus on the Family , 2007,
http://www .focusonthefamily .com/lifechallenges/abuse-and-addiction/understanding-emotional-
abuse/faqs-about-emotional-abuse. 2. Lisa Aren ds, “Subtl e Signs You’re Bein g Manipulated by a Covert Abuser ,” Lessons from the
End of a Marriage , October 13, 2015,
https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2015/10/13/subtle-signs-youre-being-manipulated-by-
a-covert-abuser/. 3. Abby Rodman, “You’re Not Going Crazy: 5 Sure Signs You’re Being Emotionally Abused,”
Huffington Post, December 29, 2015, http://www .huffingtonpost.com/abby-rodman-licsw/youre-
not-going-crazy-5-s_b_8889808.html.Chapter 7: Enabling as Secondary Abuse
1. Mira Kirshenbaum, I Love Y ou, But I Don’ t Trust Y ou (New Y ork: Berkley Books, 2012), 21 1-12. 2. Dr. Geor ge Jantz, “Have We Learned to Ignore Emotional Abuse?” Psychology Today , May 3,
2016, https://www .psychologytoday .com/blog/hope-relationships/201605/have-we-learned-
ignore-emotional-abuse. 3. Candace Love, No Mor e Nar cissists  (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2016), 32. 4. Ibid., 165. 5. Lundy Bancroft, Should I Stay or Should I Go? (New Y ork: Berkley Books, 201 1), 98. 6. Ibid., 252. 7. Ibid., 208. 8. Patricia Evans, The V erbally Abusive Relationship  (Avon, MA: Adams Media, 2010), 198-99. 9. Ibid., 210. Chapter 8: When the Chur ch Is Abusive
1. Paul Hegs trom, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and
Emotional Abuse  (Kansas City: Beacon Hill Press, 2004), cited in Mary Yerkes, “Emotional
Abuse in the Local Church,” Focus on the Family ,
http://www .focusonthefamily .com/lifechallenges/abuse-and-addiction/understanding-emotional-
abuse/emotional-abuse-in-the-local-church. 2. Rachel Held Evans, “Patriarchy and Abusive Churches,” Rachel Held Evans, March 14, 2014,
https://rachelheldevans.com/blog/patriarchy-abuse. 3. Hegstrom, Angry Men and the W omen Who Love Them . 4. Will van der Hart, “Words Matter—Emotional Abuse and the Church,” Mind and Soul,
September 29, 2014,
http://www .mindandsoul.info/Articles/416673/Mind_and_Soul/Resources/W ords_Matter_Emotio
nal.aspx. Chapter 9: Gr owing Smaller and Smaller
1.
_OceanofPDF.com_When_Loving_Him_is_Hurting_You_-_David_Hawkins.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        I had gone over their guarantee in detail with them, making
sure I would be satisfied with the agreement. I walked out of the phone store with a smile and a new phone. All was
right with the world as my yearning for the latest tech gadget had been
satisfied. My excitement, however, was dashed quickly as I discovered aspects of
the phone I didn’ t like. Not one to make a hasty retreat, I decided to give
my new relationship with the phone a few days to settle in, to see if we
might grow in fondness to each other. We didn’t, and a few days later, still well within the guarantee period, I
headed back to the phone store. “I’m not happy with this phone,” I told the stony-eyed clerk. “What’ s the problem. ” she asked. “Not one thing,”  I said. “I just don’t like the way the phone functions. It
isn’t what I hoped for. I’m going to shop for a new phone. ”
“Oh,” the clerk said. “If the phone is functioning right, we can’t take it
back. ”
“What. ” I asked incredulously. “I was told there was a money-back
guarantee if I didn’ t like the phone. ”
“No,” she stated  bluntly. “There has to be a malfunction with the phone
for the guarantee to go into ef fect. W e would then of fer a replacement. ”
“But that wasn’ t the agreement,” I pleaded. “I’m afraid it is,” she said. “That is company policy, and there is
nothing I can do about it. ”
“I’d like to talk to the manager,” I protested. “She’ s not in today, but I can give you her card,” she said. I took her card and made one final plea. “So there is really nothing you
can do. ” I asked. “No, I’m sorry. ”
She didn’t look sorry, act sorry, or seem sorry. I was annoyed, to say the
least. I went home and comp lained to my wife, who offered sincere
sympathies, having dealt with unscrupulous and dissatisfying phone and
cable companies herself. Over the next several days, I made phone calls and had lengthy
discussions, but to no avail. My wife and I discussed our options and settled
on small claims court. It would be David taking on Goliath, but that was
how it had to be. I spent days collecting data, preparing for court. I was sure of my
position and knew I was in the right. Still, I was taking on a giant of a
company that was not backing down. To make  a long story short, I remained convinced and convicted that
this company should be held accountable to their policies. I decided I
needed to fight this battle, preserve my dignity and boundaries, and
proceed. Right makes might, right. In the end, David won. What was important, however, was not the
victory but preserving my dignity. I made another statement to those in my
world about how I wanted to be treated. I recouped my money, chose adifferent phone company, and protected my boundaries—the theme of this
important chapter. What Ar e Boundaries. There is a lot of confusion swirling about regarding boundaries. With
everyone clamoring for their rights, healthy boundaries get lost in the mire. Boundaries—markers of the space between where you end and I begin
—are not what most people think about. We feel the impact of poorly
defined boundar ies. We feel the result of someone barging their way into
our world or our head, and then we react. It’s time to stop reacting and to start methodically consideri ng your
values and what you want prote cted from others. Then you can get on with
the task of setting and enforcing those boundaries. Allow me to again define boundaries. I believe it is a very
misunderstood concept. Boundaries are what separate you from me. They are like fences that set
you and what is important to you apart from me and what is important to
me. You have your house and yard, and I have mine. I may invite you over
to play—using the gate in the fence—and you may invite me over to play as
well as long as I honor what is important to you. Boundaries—that fence
with the gate—allow me to come and go and allow you to come and go
with safety and dignity. Townsend and Cloud note, “Bou ndaries help us distinguish our property
so that we can take care of it. They help us to ‘guard our heart with all
diligence. ’”2
Talking about boundaries is easy; implementing them is another matter. Depending on how you’ve been  raised and the models you’ve had in your
life, boundaries may not be part of your thinking and vocabulary. As a
result, you may make mistakes like these:
1. Failing to define your values. If you haven’ t spent time reflecting on
what is important to you or don’ t evaluate what you want protected,
you are not likely to protect it. For example, if having freedom to
make personal choices is important, you won’ t know to protect that
value. If you don’ t know that having some financial freedom ofchoice is important, you won’ t know to protect that freedom. Y ou
must take time to reflect and specify your values and what is
inviolable in your life. 2. Failing to define your boundaries. Once you’ve discovered what is
important to you and worth protecting, it is critical that you establish
clear boundaries around those values. As has often been said, we
teach people how to treat us. If you don’ t protect what is important to
you, others won’ t either. You must take the time to share with others
what is critically important to you. 3. Failing to r einfor ce and monitor your boundaries. Boundaries cannot
be set once and for all. They must be continually reinforced, with
consequences for violators. Others must learn we are serious about
our boundaries. W e will not be abused or mistreated, and others must
respect us to play in our yard. W e must reinforce and monitor our
boundaries. Making mistakes regarding boun daries is easy to do. Again, if you have
not had a healthy role model showing you how to set and maintain healthy
boundaries, the concept may be foreign to you. You may feel unworthy of
defining and setting boundarie s. Yet you are valuable and worthy of
protection. Donald Miller, author of Scary Close, shares the story of a workshop he
attended where the presenter set three pillows on the floor. He had a woman
stand on the pillow on the right, and he had Don stand on the pillow on the
left. He told them they were both free to stand on the middle pillow because
they had agreed  to be in relationship with one another. Howeve r, they were
never free to stand on the other ’s pillow. Pointing to Don’ s pillow, the instructor said, “That’ s your pillow. The
only person who gets to step on that pillow is you. Nobody else. That’ s your
territory. Your soul. ” The instructor then pointed to the woman’ s pillow and
gave the same advice—that was her pillow, her soul. The middle pillow
symbolized the relationship, to be shared. 3
Boundaries are firm and strong, but like pillows, they’re also delicate,
soft, and tender. Why Ar e Boundaries Critical. Tamara came to see me following a very difficult separation from her
husband, Tim. Married 15 years, she never felt the freedom to be who she
wanted to be. Tamara is 38 years old but tells me she still feels 18. “How is it that I still feel so small and vulnerable.
The author discovered that the phone company's guarantee policy only allows for a replacement if there is a malfunction with the phone, not if the customer simply doesn't like the phone.
What did the author of the book discover about the phone company's guarantee policy?
Tamara said that the most difficult part of her journey was giving up the hope that her husband would change and instead focusing on changing herself.
What did Tamara say was the most difficult part of her journey?
The author does not explicitly state the benefits of setting boundaries, but the text does discuss the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries for one's own well-being and the need to protect one's values and soul.
What are some of the benefits of setting boundaries, according to the author?
The author emphasizes the importance of setting and maintaining personal boundaries to protect one's values, soul, and dignity, and to ensure healthy relationships.
What is the author's main message in the chapter on boundaries?
The author's final message is one of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that God loves and desires the best for His children and that He is always with us, guiding us through difficult situations.
What is the author's final message in the book?