YOUR
ERRONEOUS
ZONES™
WAYNE W. DYER
TO
TRACY LYNN DYER
I Love You
in the special way
that I’ve written
about in these pages.The whole theory of the universe is
directed unerringly to one singleindividual—namely to You. —W
ALT WHITMANContents
iii Epigraph
1 Introduction—A Personal Statement
7I
Taking Charge of Yourself
28II
First Love
49III
You Don’t Need Their Approval
74IV
Breaking Free From the Past
89V
The Useless Emotions—Guilt and Worry
117VI
Exploring the Unknown
138VII
Breaking the Barrier of Convention
164VIII
The Justice Trap
176IX
Putting An End to Procrastination—Now
189X
Declare Your Independence
209XI
Farewell to Anger
222 XIIPortrait of a Person Who has Eliminated all Erroneous Zones
235 Index
About the Author
Other Books by Wayne W. Dyer
Cover
Copyright
About the PublisherINTRODUCTION—
A PERSONAL
STATEMENT
A  speaker stood before a group of alcoholics determined to
demonstrate to them, once and for all, that alcohol was an evil bey-
ond compare. On the platform he had what appeared to be two
identical containers of clear fluid. He announced that one contained
pure water and the other was filled with undiluted alcohol. He
placed a small worm in the container while everyone watched as it
swam around and headed for the side of the glass, whereupon it
simply crawled to the top of the glass. He then took the same worm
and placed it in the container with alcohol. The worm disintegrated
right before their eyes. “There,” said the speaker. “What’s the mor-
al?” A voice from the rear of the room said quite clearly, “I see that
if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms.”
This book has a lot of “worms” in it—meaning, you will hear and
perceive exactly what you want to hear based upon many of your
own values, beliefs, prejudices and personal history. Self-defeating
behavior and the ways to overcome it are touchy areas to write about. Looking at yourself in depth with an eye toward changing might be
something that you say you are interested in accomplishing, but
your behavior often speaks otherwise. Change is tough. If you’re
like most people, every
1fiber of your being will resist having to take on the hard work of
eliminating the thoughts that support your self-forfeiting feelings
and behavior. But despite the “worms” I think you are going to like
this book. I love it! And I loved writing it. While I do not believe that mental health should be treated in a
flip manner, neither do I support the notion that it must be a humor-
less enterprise, filled with arcane jargon. I have tried to avoid intric-
ate explanations, largely because I do not believe that “being happy”
is a complex affair. Being healthy is a natural state, and the means for achieving it are
within the grasp of each one of us. I believe that a judicious mixture
of hard work, clear thinking, humor and self-confidence are the in-
gredients of effective living. I do not believe in fancy formulas, or
historical excursions into your past to discover that you were
“harshly toilet trained” and that someone else is responsible for your
unhappiness. This book outlines a pleasant approach to achieving happiness—an
approach that relies on responsibility for and commitment to your-
self, plus an appetite for living and a desire to be all that you choose
to at this moment. It’s an uncomplicated approach, a common sense
approach. If you are a healthy, happy human being, you may find
yourself thinking, “I could have written this book.” You are right. You don’t need a professional background in counseling and a
doctorate in the helping professions to understand the principles of
effective living. You don’t learn them in a classroom or in a book. You learn them by being committed to your own happiness and by
doing something about it. This is something I work on every day,
while simultaneously helping others to make similar choices. Each chapter of this book is written like a counseling session. This
approach is aimed at providing as much opportunity for self-help
as possible. A particular erroneous zone, or kind of self-destructive
behavior, is explored, and the historical antecedents for the behavior
in our culture (and therefore in you) are examined. The emphasis is
on helping you understand why you2 / Your Erroneous Zonesare trapped in this self-defeating zone. Then specific behaviors that
fall into this erroneous zone are detailed. The types of behavior we’re
talking about are everyday acts that may seem perfectly acceptable,
but are, in reality, harmful to your own happiness. There are no ex-
amples from severe emotionally disturbed clinical cases, but rather
the daily neurotic messages that we all send out. After a look at the
behaviors in the erroneous zone we go on to an examination of the
reasons  for hanging onto behavior which does not make you happy. This entails a hard look at the psychological support system that
you have erected to maintain self-defeating behavior, rather than
giving it up. This section is an attempt to answer the questions,
“What do I get out of my behavior?” and “Why does it persist if it
is injurious to me?” As you examine each erroneous zone, you’ll
undoubtedly note that each of the “payoff” sections has similar
messages. You’ll discover that the reasons for keeping neurotic be-
havior are fairly consistent across all of the erroneous zones. Essen-
tially it is safer to hang onto a learned response, even if it is self-de-
structive. Moreover, you can eliminate having to change and take
responsibility if you keep the erroneous zones intact. These payoffs
of safety and security will be evident throughout the book. You’ll
begin to see that your psychological maintenance system functions
to keep blame off you and the opportunity for change at bay. The
fact that you maintain many self-defeating behaviors for the same
reason only makes total growth more approachable. Eliminate these
reasons and you’ll eradicate your erroneous zones. Each chapter concludes with some straightforward strategies for
eliminating self-nullifying behavior. This format is exactly what a
counseling session is all about; that is, exploration of the difficulty
and where it surfaces, a look at the self-defeating behavior, insight
into the “Why” of the behavior and concrete strategies for eliminating
the troublesome area. Occasionally this approach may strike you as repetitious. That’s
a good sign—a sign of effective thinking. I have been aINTRODUCTION—A PERSONAL STATEMENT  / 3therapist for many years. I know that effective thinking—thinking
which can alter self-destructive behavior—does not occur just be-
cause something is said. An insight must be repeated, and repeated,
and repeated again. Only then, when it is fully accepted and under-
stood, do you begin to alter behavior. It is for this reason that certain
themes must be hammered at again and again in the pages of this
book, just as they must be brought up again and again in successive
counseling sessions. There are two central themes that wind throughout the pages of
this book. The first involves your ability to make choices about your
own emotions. Begin to examine your life in the light of choices you
have made or failed to make. This puts all responsibility for what
you are and how you feel on you. Becoming happier and more ef-
fective will mean becoming more aware of the choices that are
available to you. YOU ARE THE SUM TOTAL OF YOUR CHOICES,
and I am just “far out” enough to believe that with an appropriate
amount of motivation and effort you can be anything you choose. The second theme that will be emphasized within these pages is
that of taking charge of your present moments. This is a phrase that
will reappear many times. It is an essential part of eliminating your
erroneous zones and creating your happiness. There is only one
moment in which you can experience anything, and that is now, yet
a great deal of time is thrown away by dwelling on past or future
experiences. Turning your now into total fulfillment is the touchstone
of effective living, and virtually all self-defeating behaviors (erro-
neous zones) are efforts at living in a moment other than the current
one. Choice and present-moment living will be stressed on almost
every page of this book. With a careful reading, you’ll soon begin
to ask yourself questions. that have never occurred to you before. “Why am I choosing to feel upset right now?” and “How can I make
more effective use of my present moments?” are the internal queries
of a person moving away from erroneous zones toward self-reliance
and happiness.4 / Your Erroneous ZonesThis book concludes with a brief portrait of a person who has
eliminated all erroneous zones and is living in an internally rather
than externally controlled emotional world. The following twenty-
five questions are designed to measure your capacity to choose
happiness and fulfillment. Go through the questions as objectively
as possible and assess yourself and how you live your present mo-
ments. “Yes” responses indicate personal mastery and effective
choice-making. 1. Do you believe that your mind is your own? (Chapter I)
2. Are you capable of controlling your own feelings? (Chapter
I)
3. Are you motivated from within rather than from without? (Chapter VII)
4. Are you free from the need for approval? (Chapter III)
5. Do you set up your own rules of conduct for yourself? (Chapter VII)
6. Are you free from the desire for justice and fairness? (Chapter
VIII)
7. Can you accept yourself and avoid complaining? (Chapter
II)
8. Are you free from hero worship? (Chapter VIII)
9. Are you a doer rather than a critic? (Chapter IX)
10. Do you welcome the mysterious and the unknown? (Chapter
VI)
11. Can you avoid describing yourself in absolute terms? (Chapter IV)
12. Can you love yourself at all times? (Chapter II)
13. Can you grow your own roots? (Chapter X)
14. Have you eliminated all dependency relationships? (Chapter
X)
15. Have you eliminated all blame and fault-finding in your life? (Chapter VII)
16. Are you free from ever feeling guilty? (Chapter V)INTRODUCTION—A PERSONAL STATEMENT  / 517. Are you able to avoid worrying about the future? (Chapter
V)
18. Can you give and receive love? (Chapter II)
19. Can you avoid immobilizing anger in your life? (Chapter XI)
20. Have you eliminated procrastination as a life-style? (Chapter
IX)
21. Have you learned to fail effectively? (Chapter VI)
22. Can you enjoy spontaneously without having a plan? (Chapter VI)
23. Can you appreciate and create humor? (Chapter XI)
24. Are you treated by others the way you want to be? (Chapter
X)
25. Are you motivated by your potential for growth, rather than
a need to repair your deficiencies? (Chapter I)
At any given moment of your life, you can choose to say yes to
all of the questions above if you are willing to repeal many “shoulds”
and “oughts” that you have learned throughout your life. The real
choice is whether you decide to be personally free or remain chained
to the expectations that others have of you. A friend of mine, Doris Warshay, after hearing one of my lectures,
wrote a poem to me which she titled New Directions. I want to travel as far as I can go,
I want to reach the joy that’s in my soul,
And change the limitations that I know,
And feel my mind and spirit grow;
I want to live, exist, “to be,”
And hear the truths inside of me. I trust this book will help you to eliminate any “worms” or
blinders that may be keeping you from beautiful new experiences
and to discover and choose your own new directions.6 / Your Erroneous ZonesI
TAKING CHARGE OF
YOURSELF
The essence of greatness is the ability to choose personal fulfillment
in circumstances where others choose madness. Look over your shoulder. You will notice a constant companion. For want of a better name, call him Your-Own-Death. You can fear
this visitor or use him for your personal gain. The choice is up to
you. With death so endless a proposition and life so breathtakingly
brief, ask yourself, “Should I avoid doing the things I really want to
do?” “Should I live my life as others want me to?” “Are things  im-
portant to accumulate?” “Is putting it off the way to live?” Chances
are your answers can be summed up in a few words: Live…Be
You…Enjoy…Love. You can fear your death, ineffectually, or you can use it to help
you learn to live effectively. Listen to Tolstoy’s Ivan Ilych as he
awaits the great leveler, contemplating a past which was thoroughly
dominated by others, a life in which he had given up control of
himself in order to fit into a system. 7“What if my whole life has been wrong?” It occurred to him
that what had appeared perfectly impossible before, namely
that he had not spent his life as he should have done, might
after all be true. It occurred to him that his scarcely noticeable
impulses, which he had immediately suppressed, might have
been the real thing, and the rest false. And his professional
duties and the whole arrangement of his life and of his family,
and all his social and official interests, might all have been false. He tried to defend all those things to himself and suddenly felt
the weakness of what he was defending. There was nothing to
defend…. The next time you are contemplating a decision in which you are
debating whether or not to take charge of yourself, to make your
own choice, ask yourself an important question, “How long am I
going to be dead?” With that eternal perspective, you can now make
your own choice and leave the worrying, the fears, the question of
whether you can afford it and the guilt to those who are going to be
alive forever. If you don’t begin taking these steps, you can anticipate living
your entire life the way others say you must. Surely if your sojourn
on earth is so brief, it ought at least to be pleasing to you. In a word,
it’s your life; do with it what you want. Happiness and Your Own I.Q. Taking charge of yourself involves putting to rest some very pre-
valent myths. At the top of the list is the notion that intelligence is
measured by your ability to solve complex problems; to read, write
and compute at certain levels; and to resolve abstract equations
quickly. This vision of intelligence predicates formal education and
bookish excellence as the true measures of self-fulfillment. It encour-
ages a kind of intellectual snobbery8 / Your Erroneous Zonesthat has brought with it some demoralizing results. We have come
to believe that someone who has more educational merit badges,
who is a whiz at some form of scholastic discipline (math, science,
a huge vocabulary, a memory for superfluous facts, a fast reader) is
“intelligent.” Yet mental hospitals are clogged with patients who
have all of the properly lettered credentials—as well as many who
don’t. A truer barometer of intelligence is an effective, happy life
lived each day and each present moment of every day. If you are happy, if you live each moment for everything it’s worth,
then you are an intelligent person. Problem solving is a useful adjunct
to your happiness, but if you know that given your inability to re-
solve a particular concern you can still choose happiness for yourself,
or at a minimum refuse to choose unhappiness, then you are intelli-
gent. You are intelligent because you have the ultimate weapon
against the big N.B.D. Yep— Nervous Break Down. Perhaps you will be surprised to learn that there is no such thing
as a nervous breakdown. Nerves don’t break down. Cut someone
open and look for the broken nerves. They never show up. “Intelli-
gent” people do not have N.B.D.’s because they are in charge of
themselves. They know how to choose happiness over depression,
because they know how to deal with the problems  of their lives. Notice
I didn’t say solve  the problems. Rather than measuring their intelli-
gence on their ability to solve  the problem, they measure it on their
capacity for maintaining themselves as happy and worthy, whether
the problem gets solved or not. You can begin to think of yourself as truly intelligent on the basis
of how you choose to feel in the face of trying circumstances. The
life struggles are pretty much the same for each of us. Everyone who
is involved with other human beings in any social context has similar
difficulties. Disagreements, conflicts and compromises are a part of
what it means to be human. Similarly, money, growing old, sickness,
deaths, natural disas-TAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 9ters and accidents are all events which present problems to virtually
all human beings. But some people are able to make it, to avoid im-
mobilizing dejection and unhappiness despite such occurrences,
while others collapse, become inert or have an N.B.D. Those who
recognize problems as a human condition and don’t measure happi-
ness by an absence of problems are the most intelligent kind of hu-
mans we know; also, the most rare. Learning to take total charge of yourself will involve a whole new
thinking process, one which may prove difficult because too many
forces in our society conspire against individual responsibility. You
must trust in your own ability to feel emotionally whatever you
choose to feel at any time in your life. This is a radical notion. You’ve
probably grown up believing that you can’t control your own emo-
tions; that anger, fear and hate, as well as love, ecstasy and joy are
things that happen to you. An individual doesn’t control these things,
he accepts them. When sorrowful events occur, you just naturally
feel sorrow, and hope that some happy events will come along so
that you can feel good very soon. Choosing How You’ll Feel
Feelings are not just emotions that happen to you. Feelings are
reactions you choose to have. If you are in charge of your own
emotions, you don’t have to choose self-defeating reactions. Once
you learn that you can feel what you choose to feel, you will be on
the road to “intelligence”—a road where there are no bypaths that
lead to N.B.D.’s. This road will be new because you’ll see a given
emotion as a choice rather than as a condition of life. This is the very
heart and soul of personal freedom. You can attack the myth of not being in charge of your emotions
through logic. By using a simple syllogism (a formulation in logic,
in which you have a major premise, a minor premise10 / Your Erroneous Zonesand a conclusion based upon the agreement between the two
premises) you can begin the process of being in charge of yourself,
both thinkingly and emotionally. Logic —Syllogism
MAJOR PREMISE : Aristotle is a Man. MINOR PREMISE : All men have facial hair. CONCLUSION : ARISTOTLE HAS FACIAL HAIR. Illogic —Syllogism
MAJOR PREMISE : Aristotle has facial hair. MINOR PREMISE : All men have facial hair. CONCLUSION : ARISTOTLE IS A MAN. It is clear that you must be careful as you employ logic that your
major and minor premises agree. In the second illustration, Aristotle
could be an ape or a mole. Here is a logical exercise that can forever
put to rest the notion that you cannot take charge of your own
emotional world. MAJOR PREMISE : I can control my thoughts. MINOR PREMISE : My feelings come from my thoughts. CONCLUSION : I can control my feelings. Your major premise is clear. You have the power to think whatever
you choose to allow into your head. If something just “pops” into
your head (You choose to put it there, though you may not know
why), you still have the power to make it go away, and therefore
you still control your mental world. I can say to you, “Think of a
pink antelope,” and you can turn it green, or make it an aardvark,
or simply think of something else if you so choose. You alone control
what enters your head as a thought. If you don’t believe this, just
answer this question, “If you don’t control your thoughts, who
does?” Is it your spouse, or your boss, or your mamma? And if they
control what youTAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 11think, then send them off for therapy and you will instantly get better. But you really know otherwise. You and only you control your
thinking apparatus (other than under extreme kinds of brainwashing
or conditioning experimentation settings which are not a part of
your life). Your thoughts are your own, uniquely yours to keep,
change, share, or contemplate. No one else can get inside your head
and have your own thoughts as you experience them. You do indeed
control your thoughts, and your brain is your own to use as you so
determine. Your minor premise is hardly debatable if you examine the re-
search as well as your own common sense. You cannot have a feeling
(emotion) without first having experienced a thought. Take away
your brain and your ability to “feel” is wiped out. A feeling is a
physical reaction to a thought. If you cry, or blush, or increase your
heartbeat, or any of an interminable list of potential emotional reac-
tions, you have first had a signal from your thinking center. Once
your thinking center is damaged or short-circuited, you cannot ex-
perience emotional reactions. With certain kinds of lesions in the
brain you cannot even experience physical pain, and your hand
could literally fry on a stove burner with no sensation of pain. You
know that you cannot bypass your think-center and experience any
feelings in your body. Thus your minor premise is lodged in truth. Every feeling that you have was preceded by a thought, and without
a brain you can have no feelings. Your conclusion is also inescapable. If you control your thoughts,
and your feelings come from your thoughts, then you are capable
of controlling your own feelings. And you control your feelings by
working on the thoughts that preceded them. Simply put, you believe
that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy because of the thoughts that you have
about the people or things in your life. Becoming a free and healthy
person involves learning to think  differently. Once you can change
your thoughts,12 / Your Erroneous Zonesyour new feelings will begin to emerge, and you will have taken the
first step on the road to your personal freedom. To look at the syllogism in a more personal light, let’s consider
the case of Cal, a young executive who spends most of his time ag-
onizing over the fact that his boss thinks he is stupid. Cal is very
unhappy because his boss has a low opinion of him. But if Cal didn’t
know that his boss thought he was stupid, would he still be un-
happy? Of course not. How could he be unhappy about something
he didn’t know. Therefore, what his boss thinks or doesn’t think
doesn’t make him unhappy. What Cal thinks makes him unhappy. Moreover, Cal makes himself unhappy by convincing himself that
what someone else thinks is more important than what he thinks. This same logic applies to all events, things and persons’ points
of view. Someone’s death does not make you unhappy; you cannot
be unhappy until you learn of the death, so it’s not the death but
what you tell yourself about the event. Hurricanes aren’t depressing
by themselves; depression is uniquely human. If you are depressed
about a hurricane, you are telling yourself some things that depress
you. This is not to say that you should delude yourself into enjoying
a hurricane, but ask yourself, “Why should I choose depression? Will it help me to be more effective in dealing with it?”
You have grown up in a culture which has taught you that you
are not responsible for your feelings even though the syllogistic truth
is that you always were. You’ve learned a host of sayings to defend
yourself against the fact that you do control your feelings. Here is
a brief list of such utterances that you have used over and over. Ex-
amine the message they send. •“You hurt my feelings.”
•“You make me feel bad.”
•“I can’t help the way I feel.”
•“I just feel angry, don’t ask me to explain it.”TAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 13•“He makes me sick.”
•“Heights scare me.”
•“You’re embarrassing me.”
•“She really turns me on.”
•“You made a fool of me in public.”
The list is potentially endless. Each saying has a built-in message
that you are not responsible for how you feel. Now rewrite the list
so it is accurate, so it reflects the fact that you are in charge of how
you feel and that your feelings come from the thoughts you have
about anything. • “I hurt my feelings because of the things I told myself about
your reaction to me.”
• “I made myself feel bad.”
• “I can help the way I feel, but I’ve chosen to be upset.”
• “I’ve decided to be angry, because I can usually manipulate
others with my anger, since they think I control them.”
• “I make myself sick.”
• “I scare myself at high places.”
• “I’m embarrassing myself.”
• “I turn myself on whenever I’m near her.”
• “I made myself feel foolish by taking your opinions of me more
seriously than my own, and believing that others would do the
same.”
Perhaps you think that the items in List 1 are just figures of speech,
and that they really don’t mean very much, but are simply figures
of speech that have become clichés in our culture. If this is your ra-
tionale, then ask yourself why the statements in List 2 did not evolve
into clichés. The answer lies in our culture, which teaches the
thinking of List 1, and discourages the logic of List 2. The message is crystal clear. You are the person responsible14 / Your Erroneous Zonesfor how you feel. You feel what you think, and you can learn to think
differently about anything—if you decide to do so. Ask yourself if
there is a sufficient payoff in being unhappy, down, or hurt. Then
begin to examine, in depth, the kind of thoughts that are leading
you to these debilitating feelings. Learning Not To Be Unhappy: A Tough Assignment
It is not easy to think in new ways. You are accustomed to a certain
set of thoughts and the debilitating thoughts that follow. It requires
a great deal of work to unlearn all of the habits of thought you have
assimilated until now. Happiness is easy, but learning not to be un-
happy can be difficult. Happiness is a natural condition of being a person. The evidence
is plainly visible when you look at young children. What is tough
is unlearning all of the “shoulds” and “oughts” that you’ve digested
in the past. Taking charge of yourself begins with awareness. Catch
yourself when you say things like, “He hurt my feelings.” Remind
yourself what you’re doing at the moment you’re doing it. New
thinking requires awareness of the old thinking. You have become
habituated in mental patterns that identify the causes of your feelings
as outside of yourself. You have put in thousands of hours of rein-
forcement for such thinking, and you’ll need to balance the scale
with thousands of hours of new thinking, thinking that assumes
responsibility for your own feelings. It is tough, damn tough; but
so what? That certainly is no reason to avoid doing it. Think back to the time you were learning to drive a stick shift
automobile. You were faced with what seemed to be an insurmount-
able problem. Three pedals but only two feet to make them work. You first became aware of the complexity of the task. Let the clutch
out slow, ooops too fast, jerky business, gas pedal down at the same
rate as you release the clutch, right footTAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 15for the brake, but the clutch must go in, or you jerk again. A million
mental signals: always thinking, using your brain. What do I do? Awareness,  and then after thousands of trials, mistakes, new efforts,
the day comes when you step into your car and drive away. No
stalling, no jerking and no thinking. Driving a stick shift has become
second nature, and how did you do it? With great difficulty. Lots of
present-moment thinking, reminding, working. You know how to regulate your mind when it comes to accom-
plishing physical tasks, such as teaching your hands and feet to co-
ordinate for driving. The process is less well-known but identical in
the emotional world. You’ve learned the habits you now have by
reinforcing them all of your life. You get unhappy, angry, hurt and
frustrated automatically because you learned to think that way a
long time ago. You have accepted your behavior and never worked
at challenging it. But you can learn to not be unhappy, angry, hurt,
or frustrated just as you learned to be all those self-defeating things. For example, you’ve been taught that going to the dentist is a
nasty experience, and one that is associated with pain. You’ve always
felt that it is unpleasant and you even say things to yourself like, “I
hate that drill.” But these are all learned reactions. You could make
the whole experience work for rather than against you by choosing
to make it a pleasant, exciting procedure. You could, if you really
decided to use your brain, make the sound of the drill signal a
beautiful sexual experience and each time the brrrrrr sound ap-
peared, you could train your mind to envision the most orgiastic
moment of your life. You could think something different about
what you used to call pain, and choose to feel something new and
pleasurable. How much more exciting and fulfilling to take charge
and master your own dental world environment than to hang on to
the old images and just endure. Perhaps you’re skeptical. You may say something like, “I can think
all I want, but I still get unhappy when he starts to16 / Your Erroneous Zonesdrill.” Think back to the stick shift. When did you believe  that you
could drive it? A thought becomes a belief when you’ve worked on
it repeatedly, not when you simply try it once and use your initial
inability as the rationale for giving up. Taking charge of yourself involves more than simply trying on
new thoughts for size. It requires a determination to be happy and
to challenge and destroy each and every thought that creates a self-
immobilizing unhappiness in you. Choice—Your Ultimate Freedom
If you still believe that you don’t choose to be unhappy, try to
imagine this course of events. Each time you become unhappy you
are subjected to some treatment you find unpleasant. Perhaps you
are locked in a room alone for long periods of time or, conversely,
forced into a crowded elevator where you must stand for days. You
may be deprived of all food or forced to eat some dish you find
particularly distasteful. Or perhaps you will be tortured—physically
tortured by others, rather than mentally tortured by yourself. Imagine
that you were subjected to any one of these punishments until you
made your unhappy feelings go away. How long do you think you
would continue to hold on to them? Chances are you would take
control rather quickly. So the issue is not whether you can take
control of your feelings, but whether you will. What must you endure
before you’ll make such a choice? Some people choose to go insane
rather than take control. Others merely give up and succumb to a
life of misery because the dividend of pity received is greater than
the reward of being happy. The issue here is your own ability to choose happiness or at least
not to choose unhappiness at any given moment of your life. A mind-
blowing notion perhaps, but one that you should consider carefully
before rejecting, since to discard it is to give up on yourself. To reject
it is to believe that someone else in-TAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 17stead of you is in charge of you. But choosing to be happy might
seem easier than some things which daily confound your life. Just as you are free to choose happiness over unhappiness, so in
the myriad events of everyday life you are free to choose self-ful-
filling behavior over self-defeating behavior. If you drive in this day
and age, chances are you find yourself frequently stuck in traffic. Do you become angry, swear at other drivers, berate your passengers,
take your feelings out on anyone and anything in range? Do you
justify your behavior by saying that traffic always sends you into a
snit, that you simply have no control in a traffic jam? If so, you are
accustomed to thinking certain things about yourself and the way
you act in traffic. But what if you decided to think something else? What if you chose to use your mind in a self-enhancing kind of way? It would take time but you could learn to talk to yourself in new
ways, to become accustomed to new behavior which might include
whistling, singing, turning on a tape recorder to write verbal letters,
even timing yourself with thirty-second postponements of your an-
ger. You have not learned to like the traffic but you have learned to
practice, very slowly at first, new thoughts. You have decided not
to be uncomfortable. You have chosen to substitute in slow progress-
ive steps healthy new feelings and habits for old self-defeating
emotions. You can choose to make any experience enjoyable and challenging. Dull parties and committee meetings are fertile territory for choosing
new feelings. When you find yourself bored, you can make your
mind work in exciting ways, by changing the subject with a key
observation, or writing the first chapter of your novel, or working
on new plans which will help you to avoid these settings in the fu-
ture. Using your mind actively means assessing the people and
events which give you the greatest difficulty and then deciding on
new mental efforts to make them work for you. In a restaurant, if
you typically get upset over poor service, think first of why you
should not choose to18 / Your Erroneous Zonesbe upset because someone or something is not going the way you
would like it to go. You’re too worthy to be upset by someone else,
especially someone who is so unimportant in your life. Then devise
strategies to change the setting, or leave, or whatever. But don’t just
get perturbed. Use your brain to work for you, and eventually you’ll
have the terrific habit of not being upset when things go wrong. Choosing Health Over Illness
You can also choose to eliminate some physical sufferings which
are not rooted in a known organic dysfunction. Some common
physical ailments, which often do not have an origin in a physiolo-
gical disorder, include headaches, backaches, ulcers, hypertension,
rashes, skin eruptions, cramps, fleeting pains and the like. I once had a client who swore she had a headache every morning
for the past four years. Each morning at 6:45 she waited for it to ar-
rive and then took her pain pills. She also kept each of her friends
and co-workers informed of how much she was suffering. It was
suggested to the client that she wanted the headaches, and had ac-
tually chosen them as a means of being noticed and as a means of
receiving sympathy and pity. It was also suggested that she could
learn not to want this for herself and to practice making the headache
shift from a point located centrally on her forehead to one on the
side of her head. She was going to learn that she controlled the
headache by making it move around. The first morning she
awakened at 6:30 A.M., and lay in bed awaiting her headache. When
it arrived she was able to think  it to another place in her head. She
had chosen something new for herself and ultimately she stopped
choosing headaches completely. There is a burgeoning amount of evidence to support the notion
that people even choose things like tumors, influenza, arthritis, heart
disease, “accidents” and many other infirmities,TAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 19including cancer, which have always been considered something
that just happens to people. In treating what have been labeled
“terminally ill” patients, some researchers are beginning to believe
that helping the patient not to want the disease, in any form, may
be a means of ameliorating the internal killer. Some cultures treat
pain in this way, taking complete power over the brain, and making
self-control synonymous with brain -control. The brain, which is composed of ten billion, billion working parts,
has enough storage capacity to accept ten new facts every second. It has been conservatively estimated that the human brain can store
an amount of information equivalent to one hundred trillion words,
and that all of us use but a tiny fraction of this storage space. It is a
powerful instrument you carry around with you wherever you go,
and you might choose to put it to some fantastic uses which you’ve
never even considered up until now. Keep that in mind as you go
through the pages of this book and try to choose new ways of
thinking. Don’t be too quick to call such control quackery. Most doctors
have seen patients who have chosen a physical malady for which
there is no known physiological cause. It’s not uncommon for indi-
viduals to become mysteriously sick when confronted with some
kind of difficult circumstance, or to avoid illness when being sick is
simply “impossible” at that time, and so postponed the effects, per-
haps the fever, until the big event is over, and then collapse. I know of a case of a thirty-six-year-old man trapped in a horrible
marriage. He decided on January 15th that he was leaving his wife
on March 1st. On February 28th he developed a 104 degree fever
and began vomiting uncontrollably. This became a recurring pattern;
each time he built himself up, he got the flu, or an attack of indiges-
tion. He was making a choice. It was easier to be sick than to face
the guilt, fear, shame and the unknown that go with separation. Listen to the advertisements we see and hear on television. “I’m a stockbroker…. So you can imagine the tension and20 / Your Erroneous Zonesheadaches I must have. I take this pill to make it go away.” Message:
You can’t control how you feel if you work in certain kinds of jobs
(teachers, executives, parents) so rely on something else to do it for
you. We are bombarded with messages like this every day. The implic-
ation is clear. We are helpless prisoners who must have someone or
something else do things for us. NONSENSE. Only you can improve
your lot or make yourself happy. It is up to you to take control of
your own mind, and then practice feeling and behaving in the ways
that you choose. Avoiding Immobilization
As you consider your potential for choosing happiness, keep in
mind the word immobilization  as the indicator of negative emotions
in your life. You might believe that anger, hostility, shyness and
other similar feelings are worth having at times, and so you want
to hang onto them. Your guide should be the extent to which you
are in any way immobilized by the feeling. Immobilization can range from total inaction to mild indecision
and hesitancy. Does your anger keep you from saying, feeling, or
doing something? If so, then you are immobilized. Does your shyness
prevent you from meeting people you want to know? If so, you are
immobilized and missing out on experiences that are rightfully
yours. Is your hate and jealousy helping you to grow an ulcer or to
raise your blood pressure? Does it keep you from working effectively
on the job? Are you unable to sleep or make love because of a negat-
ive present-moment feeling? These are all signs of immobilization. Immobilization:  A state, however mild or serious, in which you are
not functioning at the level that you would like to. If feelings lead
to such a state, you need to look no further for a reason to get rid of
them. Here is a brief checklist of some instances in which you mayTAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 21be immobilized. They range from minor to major states of immobil-
ity. You are immobilized when…
You can’t talk lovingly to your spouse and children though
you want to. You can’t work on a project that interests you. You don’t make love and would like to. You sit in the house all day and brood. You don’t play golf, tennis, or other enjoyable activities,
because of a leftover gnawing feeling. You can’t introduce yourself to someone who appeals to
you. You avoid talking to someone when you realize that a
simple gesture would improve your relationship. You can’t sleep because something is bothering you. Your anger keeps you from thinking clearly. You say something abusive to someone that you love. Your face is twitching, or you are so nervous that you don’t
function the way you would prefer. Immobilization cuts a wide swath. Virtually all negative emotions
result in some degree of self-immobility, and this alone is a solid
reason for eliminating them entirely from your life. Perhaps you are
thinking of occasions when a negative emotion has a payoff, such
as yelling at a young child in an angry voice to emphasize that you
do not want him to play in the street. If the angry voice is simply a
device for emphasis and it works, then you’ve adopted a healthy
strategy. However, if you yell at others not to make a point, but be-
cause you are internally upset, then you’ve immobilized yourself,
and it’s time to begin working at new choices that will help you to
reach your goal of keeping your child out of the street without ex-
periencing feelings that are hurtful to you. For more on anger and
fuse-lengthening behavior, see Chapter XI.22 / Your Erroneous ZonesThe Importance of Living in the Present Moment
One way to combat immobilization, however slight, is to learn to
live in the present moment. Present-moment living, getting in touch
with your “now,” is at the heart of effective living. When you think
about it, there really is no other moment you can ever live. Now is
all there is, and the future is just another present moment to live
when it arrives. One thing is certain; you cannot live it until it does
appear. The problem here, however, is that we live in a culture which
deemphasizes the now. Save for the future! Consider the con-
sequences. Don’t be a hedonist. Think of tomorrow. Plan for your
retirement. Avoiding the present moment is almost a disease in our culture,
and we are continually being conditioned to sacrifice the present for
the future. Carried to its logical conclusion, this attitude is not merely
the avoidance of enjoyment in the now, but an evasion of happiness
forever. When the future does arrive it becomes the present and we
must use it to prepare for the future. Happiness is something for the
morrow and therefore ever elusive. The disease of present-moment avoidance assumes many forms. Here are four typical examples of such dodging behavior. Ms. Sally Forth decides to go into the woods to soak up nature
and get in touch with her present moments. While in the woods she
lets her mind wander and focuses on all of the things that she should
be doing back home…. The kids, the groceries, the house, the bills,
is everything O.K.? At other times her mind flits forward to all of
the things she’ll have to do when she gets out of the woods. There
goes the present, occupied by past and future events, and that rare
opportunity for present-moment delight in that natural setting is
lost. Ms. Sandy Shore goes to the islands to enjoy herself, and spends
her entire vacation basking in the sun—not for the delight of feeling
the sun on her body, but in anticipation of whatTAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 23her friends back home will say when she returns with a magnificent
tan. Her mind is on a future moment, and when that future moment
arrives, she’ll bemoan not being able to be back at the beach sunning
herself. If you think society doesn’t contribute to this sort of attitude,
consider the slogan of one sun lotion company, “They’ll hate you
more back home if you use this product.”
Mr. Neil N. Prayer has a problem with impotence. When he is
experiencing the present moment with his wife, his mind is off and
running on some past or future event, and his present just slips
away. When he finally manages to concentrate on the present and
begins making love, he imagines her to be someone else, while she
similarly fantasizes about her absent lover. Mr. Ben Fishen is reading a textbook and working hard at staying
with it. Suddenly he discovers that he has just read three pages and
his mind was on a mental excursion. He wasn’t absorbing a single
idea. He was avoiding the material on those pages even while his
eyes were focusing on each word. He was literally participating in
the ritual of reading, while his present moments were being taken
up by thinking about last night’s movie or worrying about tomor-
row’s quiz. The present moment, that elusive time which is always with you,
can be most beautifully experienced if you allow yourself to get lost
in it. Drink in all of every moment and tune out that past which is
over and the future which will arrive in time. Seize the present mo-
ment as the only one you have. And remember, wishing, hoping
and regretting are the most common and dangerous tactics for
evading the present. Frequently avoidance of the present leads to idealization of the
future. At some miraculous moment in the future life will change,
everything will fall into place, and you will find happiness. When
you achieve that special event—a graduation, a wedding, a child, a
promotion—then life will begin in earnest. More often than not when
the event arrives it will be disappointing. It will never live up to
what you had imagined. Think back to that first sexual experience. After all that waiting there were24 / Your Erroneous Zonesno Fourth of July orgasms, no grand mal seizures, but rather a
quizzical wondering why everyone made such a big deal about it,
and perhaps a feeling of Is that all there is? Of course, when an event doesn’t live up to your expectations you
can get out of the depression by idealizing again. Don’t let this vi-
cious circle become your life-style. Interrupt it now with some stra-
tegic present-moment fulfillment. Way back in 1903, Henry James gave this advice in The Ambassad-
ors:
“Live all you can; it’s a mistake not to. It doesn’t so much matter
what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you
haven’t had that what have you had?…What one loses one loses,
make no mistake about that…. The right time is any time that
one is still so lucky as to have…. Live!”
As you look back on your life, much the way Tolstoy’s Ivan Ilych
did, you’ll find that you seldom experience regret for anything that
you’ve done. It is what you haven’t done that will torment you. The
message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the
present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value
your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways
means you’ve lost them forever. The theme of present-moment awareness appears on every page
of this book. The people who know how to grab that present moment
and maximize it are the people who have chosen a free, effective
and fulfilling life. It is a choice each of us can make. Growth vs. Imperfection as Motivators
In your quest to become as happy and fulfilled in your life as you
choose to be, you can be motivated by two types of need. The more
common form of motivation is called imperfection orTAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 25deficiency motivation, while the healthier variety is labeled growth
motivation. If you place a rock under a microscope and observe it carefully,
you note that it never changes. But, if you put a piece of coral under
that same microscope, you’ll detect that it is growing and changing. Conclusion: The coral is alive, the rock is dead. How do you distin-
guish between a flower that is alive and one that is dead? The one
that is growing is alive. The only evidence of life is growth! This is
also true in the psychological world. If you are growing, you are
alive. If you are not growing then you might as well be dead. You can be motivated out of a desire to grow rather than a need
to repair your deficiencies. If you recognize that you can always
grow, improve, become more and greater, that is enough. When you
decide to be immobilized or to experience hurtful emotions, you’ve
made a nongrowth decision. Growth motivation means using your
life energy for greater happiness, rather than having to improve
yourself because you’ve sinned or because you are in some way in-
complete. A corollary of choosing growth as motivation is personal mastery
in every present moment of your life. Mastery means you are the
decider of your fate; you are not a coper, or a striver, or someone
who adjusts to the world. Rather you choose what your world will
be for you. George Bernard Shaw expressed it in Mrs. Warren’s Pro-
fession,
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they
are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in
this world are the people who get up and look for the circum-
stances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them. But remember what was said at the beginning of this chapter. Changing the way you think, or feel, or live is possible but never
easy. Let’s be hypothetical for a moment. If you were26 / Your Erroneous Zonestold, at point of gun, that within one year you would have to com-
plete a difficult task, such as running a mile in four minutes and
thirty seconds, or performing a perfect jackknife dive from the high
board, and failure to do so would result in your execution, you
would set out on a regimented schedule in which you would practice
each and every day until your time came to deliver. You would be
training your mind  as well as your body because your mind tells
your body what to do. You would practice, practice, practice, never
yielding to the temptation to quit or slack off. And you would deliv-
er, and consequently save your life. This little fairy story is, of course, intended to make a point. No
one expects to train his body overnight and yet too many of us expect
our minds to respond with just such alacrity. When we are trying
to learn new mental behavior we expect to try it once, and have it
become a part of us instantaneously. If you really want to be neurosis-free, self-fulfilled and in control
of your own choices, if you really want to achieve present-moment
happiness, you will need to apply the same kind of rigid application
to the task of unlearning the self-defeating thinking you have learned
up until now that you would give to the learning of any difficult
enterprise. In order to master this kind of fulfillment, you’ll need to repeat
endlessly that your mind really is your own and that you are capable
of controlling your own feelings. The remainder of this book will be
an effort to help you in your personal goals by having you begin
precisely that repetition of such themes: you can choose, and your
present moments are yours for the enjoying—if you decide to be in
charge of you.TAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF  / 27II
FIRST LOVE
Self-worth cannot be verified by others. You are
worthy because you say it is so. If you depend on
others for your value it is other-worth. You may have a social disease, one that will not go away with a
simple injection. You are quite possibly infected with the sepsis of
low-esteem, and the only known cure is a massive dose of self-love. But perhaps, like many in our society, you’ve grown up with the
idea that loving yourself is wrong. Think of others, society tells us. Love thy neighbor, the church admonishes. What nobody seems to
remember is love thyself, and yet that is precisely what you’re going
to have to learn to do if you are to achieve present-moment happi-
ness. You learned as a child that loving yourself, which was a natural
thing for you then, was akin to being selfish or conceited. You learned
to put others ahead of you, to think of others first because that
showed you were a “good” person. You learned self-effacement and
were nurtured on instructions like “share your things with your
cousins.” It didn’t matter that they were
28your treasures, your prized possessions, or that mommy or daddy
might not be sharing their big-people toys with others. You may
even have been told that you were to “be seen and not heard” and
that “you ought to know your place.”
Children just naturally think of themselves as beautiful and terribly
important, but by adolescence society’s messages have taken root. Self-doubt is in full bloom. And the reinforcements continue as the
years pass. After all, you’re not supposed to go around loving
yourself. What will others think of you! The hints are subtle and not malicious in intent, but they do keep
the individual in line. From parents and immediate family members
to schools, churches and friends, the child learns all those fine social
amenities that are the hallmarks of the adult world. Kids never acted
that way with each other, except to please older folks. Always say
please and thank you, curtsy, stand up when an adult enters, ask
permission to leave the table, tolerate the endless cheek pinching
and head patting. The message was clear: adults are important; kids
don’t count. Others are significant; you are insignificant. Don’t trust
your own judgment was corollary number one, and there was a full
cargo of reinforcers that came under the subheading of “politeness.”
These rules, disguised under the word manners,  helped you to intern-
alize the judgments of others at the expense of your own values. It’s
not surprising that those same question marks and self-denying
definitions persist into adulthood. And how do these self-doubts
get in the way? In the important area of loving others you may be
having a difficult time. Giving love to others is directly related to
how much love you have for yourself. Love: A Suggested Definition
Love is a word that has as many definitions as there are people
to define it. Try this one on for size. The ability and willingness to allow
those that you care for to be what they chooseFIRST LOVE  / 29for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you. This may be
a workable definition, but the fact remains that so few are able to
adopt it for themselves. How can you reach the point of being able
to let others be what they choose without insisting they meet your
expectations? Very simple. By loving yourself. By feeling that you
are important, worthy and beautiful. Once you recognize just how
good you are, you won’t have to have others reinforce your value
or values by making their behavior conform to your dictates. If
you’re secure in yourself, you neither want nor need others to be
like you. For one thing, you’re unique. For another, that would rob
them of their own uniqueness, and what you love in them are just
those traits that make them special and separate. It begins to fit. You
get good at loving yourself, and suddenly you’re able to love others,
to give to others, and do for others by giving and doing for yourself
first. Then there are no gimmicks to your giving. You’re not doing
it for the thanks or the payoffs but because of the genuine pleasure
you get from being a helper or a lover. If the you is someone unworthy, or unloved by you, then giving
becomes impossible. How can you give love if you’re worthless? What would your love be worth? And if you can’t give love, neither
can you receive it. After all what can the love be worth if it’s be-
stowed on a worthless person. The entire business of being in love,
giving and receiving, starts with a self that is totally loved. Take Noah, a middle-aged man who claimed to love his wife and
children dearly. To show his affections he bought them expensive
gifts, took them on luxurious holidays, and was always careful when
away on business trips to sign his letters “love.” Yet Noah could
never bring himself to tell his wife or children that he loved them. He had the same problem with his parents of whom he was tremend-
ously fond. Noah wanted to say the words; they ran through his
head repeatedly, yet every time he tried to say “I love you,” he got
all choked up. In Noah’s head the words “I love you” meant he was putting
himself on the line. If he said “I love you,” someone must an-30 / Your Erroneous Zonesswer “I love you, too, Noah.” His statement of love must be met
with an affirmation of his own self-worth. Saying those words was
taking too much of a chance for Noah, for they might not be
answered and then his entire value would be in question. If, on the
other hand, Noah could start with the premise that he was lovable,
he would experience no difficulty in the “I love you.” If he didn’t
get the desired, “I love you, too, Noah,” then he would see that as
having nothing to do with his own self-worth, since that was intact
before he ever started. Whether or not he was loved in return would
be his wife’s problem, or whomever Noah was loving at the moment. He might want the other person’s love, but it would not be essential
to his self-worth. You can challenge all of your self-feelings in terms of your ability
to love yourself. Remember, at no time, under no circumstance is
self-hate healthier than self-love. Even if you have behaved in a way
that you dislike, loathing yourself will only lead to immobilization
and damage. Instead of hating yourself, develop positive feelings. Learn from the error, and resolve not to repeat it but don’t associate
it with your self-worth. Here is the guts of both self-and other-directed love. Never confuse
your self-worth (which is a given) with your behavior, or the beha-
vior of others toward you. Once again, it isn’t easy. The messages
of society are overpowering. “You’re a bad boy,” rather than “You’ve
behaved badly.” “Mommy doesn’t like you when you behave that
way” as opposed to “Mommy doesn’t like the way you behave.”
The conclusions that you may have adopted from these messages
are, “She doesn’t like me, I must be a nerd” instead of, “She doesn’t
like me. That’s her decision, and while I don’t like it, I’m still import-
ant.” R. D. Laing’s Knots  sums up the process of internalizing others’
thoughts and equating them with one’s self-worth. My mother loves me. I feel good. I feel good because she loves me.FIRST LOVE  / 31My mother does not love me. I feel bad. I feel bad because she does not love me. I am bad because I feel bad. I feel bad because I am bad. I am bad because she does not love me. She does not love me because I am bad. *
The habits of thought of childhood are not easily outgrown. Your
own self-image may still be based upon others’ perceptions of you. While it is true that your original self-profiles were learned from the
opinions of adults, it is not true that you must carry them around
with you forever. Yes, it is tough to shed those old shackles and
wipe clean those unhealed scars, but hanging onto them is even
tougher when you consider the consequences. With mental practice
you can make some self-loving choices that will amaze you. Who are the folks who are good at loving? Are they self-demolish-
ing in their behavior? Never. Do they put themselves down and hide
in the corner? Not so. Getting good at giving and receiving love
starts at home, with you, with a vow to end any low self-esteem
behaviors that have become a way of life. Tuning into Self-Acceptance
First you must destroy the myth that you have one single self-
concept, and that it is either positive or negative all of the time. You
have many self-images, and they vary from moment to moment. If
you were asked, “Do you like yourself?” you might be inclined to
lump all of your negative self-thoughts together into a collective
“No.” Breaking down the areas of dislike into specifics will give you
definite goals to work on. *R. D. Laing, Knots  (New York: Vintage Books, 1970), p. 9.32 / Your Erroneous ZonesYou have feelings about yourself physically, intellectually, socially
and emotionally. You have an opinion about your abilities in music,
athletics, art, mechanical undertakings, writing and on and on. Your
self-portraits are as numerous as your activities, and through all of
these behaviors there is always YOU, the person that you either ac-
cept or reject. Your self-worth, that friendly ever-present shadow,
your consultant for personal happiness and personal mastery, must
be unrelated to your self-assessments. You exist. You are human. That is all you need. Your worth is determined by you, and with no
need for an explanation to anyone. And your worthiness, a given,
has nothing to do with your behavior and feelings. You may not like
your behavior in a given instance, but that has nothing to do with
your self-worth. You can choose to be worthy to yourself forever,
and then get on with the task of working on your self-images. Loving Your Body
It all begins with the physical you. Do you like your body? If you
answered no, try breaking it down into its component parts. Make
a list of the items that you find objectionable. Starting at the top:
your hair, your forehead, eyes, eyelids, cheeks. Do you like your
mouth, nose, teeth and neck? How about your arms, fingers, breasts
and stomach? Make a long list. Include the innards as well. Your
kidneys, spleen, arteries and femurs. Now go to the obscure ingredi-
ents that make up you. How about your Rolandic fissure, cochlea,
pinna, adrenal glands and uvula? You’ve got to make a very long
list to check yourself out thoroughly. You don’t have a nice body;
you are your body; and disliking it means not accepting yourself as
a human being. Perhaps you do have some physical attributes you dislike. If they
are parts of your body which can be changed, make changing them
one of your goals. If your stomach is too big or yourFIRST LOVE  / 33hair the wrong color for you, you can see them as choices you made
in an earlier present moment, and make new present-moment de-
cisions about them. Those parts which you disapprove and which
cannot be changed (legs too long, eyes too narrow, breasts too small
or too large) can be viewed in a new light. Nothing is too anything,
and long legs are no better or worse than hair or non-hair. What you
have done is bought contemporary society’s definition of beauty. Don’t let others dictate what will be attractive to you. Decide to like
the physical you and declare it as worthy and attractive to you,
thereby rejecting the comparisons and opinions of others. You can
decide what is pleasing and make nonacceptance of yourself a thing
of the past. You are a human being. Human beings have certain odors, make
certain sounds and have certain growths of hair. But society and
industry send out certain messages about the human physical con-
dition. Be ashamed of these human characteristics, they say. Learn
masking behavior—especially if you mask the real you with our
product. Don’t accept yourself; hide the real you. You can’t get through an hour of television without getting the
message. The advertisements that bombard you daily tell you to be
contemptuous of the way your mouth, underarms, feet, skin and
even genitals smell. “Change to our product and feel real and natural
again.” As if the way you are is unnatural and you should go around
sending out cosmetic odors in order to like yourself better. So you
deodorize each orifice with the right smelling stuff, because you
don’t accept a part of yourself that exists in all human beings. I know of a thirty-two-year-old man, Frank, who has learned to
reject all of his bodily functions labeling them as disgusting and
unmentionable. Frank is compulsively clean about his body to the
point of being uncomfortable whenever he sweats, and he expects
the same kind of starchy-clean behavior from his wife and children. He rushes for the shower to rid himself of any of-34 / Your Erroneous Zonesfensive odors after mowing the lawn or playing a set of tennis. Moreover, he cannot have sex unless both he and his wife shower
before and after. He cannot tolerate his own normal body odors, nor
can he live with anyone who is more accepting of himself. Frank
sprays his bathroom, uses a multitude of cosmetic products to keep
himself smelling good, and he is concerned about anyone else dis-
liking him when he becomes human and begins smelling like one. Frank has learned to reject his natural body functions and odors. He
has adopted attitudes that reflect personal self-rejection, by either
being embarrassed or apologetic whenever he allows his body to be
natural. But being human means having many natural odors, and
the person who is working at self-love and self-acceptance is in no
way offended by his natural self. In fact, if Frank were to be totally
honest about himself, and wiped out the learned messages of self-
rejection, he might even be able to admit to enjoying his own body
and all of the glorious odors it is capable of producing. While he
might not wish to share those odors with others, he would at least
be able to accept them in himself, tell himself that he, in fact, likes
them, and experience no shame around others. Self-acceptance means liking the entire physical you, and elimin-
ating those cultural impositions to be proper or to merely tolerate
your body when it behaves other than in a cosmetic fashion. This
doesn’t mean you have to go around flaunting yourself, but it does
mean that you can learn to take private pleasure in being you. Many women have accepted the cultural dispatches and behave
in ways that they are supposed to when it comes to their own bodies. Shave your legs and underarms, deodorize yourself everywhere,
perfume your body with foreign odors, sterilize your mouth, make
up your eyes, lips, cheeks, pad your bra, spray your genitals with
the appropriate bouquet and falsify your fingernails. The implication
is that there is something unpleasant about the natural you, the es-
sentially human you, andFIRST LOVE  / 35only by becoming artificial can you become attractive. That’s the
saddest part, that the end product is a fraudulent you that takes the
place of the natural self you carry around with you for most of your
life. You are being encouraged to reject that beautiful you.
Your_Eroneous_Zones_by_Wayne_Dyer.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        YOUR
ERRONEOUS
ZONES™
WAYNE W. DYER
TO
TRACY LYNN DYER
I Love You
in the special way
that I’ve written
about in these pages. The whole theory of the universe is
directed unerringly to one singleindividual—namely to You. —W
ALT WHITMANContents
iii Epigraph
1 Introduction—A Personal Statement
7I
Taking Charge of Yourself
28II
First Love
49III
You Don’t Need Their Approval
74IV
Breaking Free From the Past
89V
The Useless Emotions—Guilt and Worry
117VI
Exploring the Unknown
138VII
Breaking the Barrier of Convention
164VIII
The Justice Trap
176IX
Putting An End to Procrastination—Now
189X
Declare Your Independence
209XI
Farewell to Anger
222 XIIPortrait of a Person Who has Eliminated all Erroneous Zones
235 Index
About the Author
Other Books by Wayne W. Dyer
Cover
Copyright
About the PublisherINTRODUCTION—
A PERSONAL
STATEMENT
A  speaker stood before a group of alcoholics determined to
demonstrate to them, once and for all, that alcohol was an evil bey-
ond compare. On the platform he had what appeared to be two
identical containers of clear fluid. He announced that one contained
pure water and the other was filled with undiluted alcohol. He
placed a small worm in the container while everyone watched as it
swam around and headed for the side of the glass, whereupon it
simply crawled to the top of the glass. He then took the same worm
and placed it in the container with alcohol. The worm disintegrated
right before their eyes. “There,” said the speaker. “What’s the mor-
al. ” A voice from the rear of the room said quite clearly, “I see that
if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms. ”
This book has a lot of “worms” in it—meaning, you will hear and
perceive exactly what you want to hear based upon many of your
own values, beliefs, prejudices and personal history. Self-defeating
behavior and the ways to overcome it are touchy areas to write about. Looking at yourself in depth with an eye toward changing might be
something that you say you are interested in accomplishing, but
your behavior often speaks otherwise. Change is tough. If you’re
like most people, every
1fiber of your being will resist having to take on the hard work of
eliminating the thoughts that support your self-forfeiting feelings
and behavior. But despite the “worms” I think you are going to like
this book. I love it. And I loved writing it. While I do not believe that mental health should be treated in a
flip manner, neither do I support the notion that it must be a humor-
less enterprise, filled with arcane jargon. I have tried to avoid intric-
ate explanations, largely because I do not believe that “being happy”
is a complex affair. Being healthy is a natural state, and the means for achieving it are
within the grasp of each one of us. I believe that a judicious mixture
of hard work, clear thinking, humor and self-confidence are the in-
gredients of effective living. I do not believe in fancy formulas, or
historical excursions into your past to discover that you were
“harshly toilet trained” and that someone else is responsible for your
unhappiness. This book outlines a pleasant approach to achieving happiness—an
approach that relies on responsibility for and commitment to your-
self, plus an appetite for living and a desire to be all that you choose
to at this moment. It’s an uncomplicated approach, a common sense
approach. If you are a healthy, happy human being, you may find
yourself thinking, “I could have written this book. ” You are right. You don’t need a professional background in counseling and a
doctorate in the helping professions to understand the principles of
effective living. You don’t learn them in a classroom or in a book. You learn them by being committed to your own happiness and by
doing something about it. This is something I work on every day,
while simultaneously helping others to make similar choices. Each chapter of this book is written like a counseling session. This
approach is aimed at providing as much opportunity for self-help
as possible. A particular erroneous zone, or kind of self-destructive
behavior, is explored, and the historical antecedents for the behavior
in our culture (and therefore in you) are examined. The emphasis is
on helping you understand why you2 / Your Erroneous Zonesare trapped in this self-defeating zone. Then specific behaviors that
fall into this erroneous zone are detailed. The types of behavior we’re
talking about are everyday acts that may seem perfectly acceptable,
but are, in reality, harmful to your own happiness. There are no ex-
amples from severe emotionally disturbed clinical cases, but rather
the daily neurotic messages that we all send out. After a look at the
behaviors in the erroneous zone we go on to an examination of the
reasons  for hanging onto behavior which does not make you happy. This entails a hard look at the psychological support system that
you have erected to maintain self-defeating behavior, rather than
giving it up. This section is an attempt to answer the questions,
“What do I get out of my behavior. ” and “Why does it persist if it
is injurious to me. ” As you examine each erroneous zone, you’ll
undoubtedly note that each of the “payoff” sections has similar
messages. You’ll discover that the reasons for keeping neurotic be-
havior are fairly consistent across all of the erroneous zones. Essen-
tially it is safer to hang onto a learned response, even if it is self-de-
structive. Moreover, you can eliminate having to change and take
responsibility if you keep the erroneous zones intact. These payoffs
of safety and security will be evident throughout the book. You’ll
begin to see that your psychological maintenance system functions
to keep blame off you and the opportunity for change at bay. The
fact that you maintain many self-defeating behaviors for the same
reason only makes total growth more approachable. Eliminate these
reasons and you’ll eradicate your erroneous zones. Each chapter concludes with some straightforward strategies for
eliminating self-nullifying behavior. This format is exactly what a
counseling session is all about; that is, exploration of the difficulty
and where it surfaces, a look at the self-defeating behavior, insight
into the “Why” of the behavior and concrete strategies for eliminating
the troublesome area. Occasionally this approach may strike you as repetitious. That’s
a good sign—a sign of effective thinking. I have been aINTRODUCTION—A PERSONAL STATEMENT  / 3therapist for many years. I know that effective thinking—thinking
which can alter self-destructive behavior—does not occur just be-
cause something is said. An insight must be repeated, and repeated,
and repeated again. Only then, when it is fully accepted and under-
stood, do you begin to alter behavior. It is for this reason that certain
themes must be hammered at again and again in the pages of this
book, just as they must be brought up again and again in successive
counseling sessions. There are two central themes that wind throughout the pages of
this book. The first involves your ability to make choices about your
own emotions. Begin to examine your life in the light of choices you
have made or failed to make. This puts all responsibility for what
you are and how you feel on you. Becoming happier and more ef-
fective will mean becoming more aware of the choices that are
available to you. YOU ARE THE SUM TOTAL OF YOUR CHOICES,
and I am just “far out” enough to believe that with an appropriate
amount of motivation and effort you can be anything you choose. The second theme that will be emphasized within these pages is
that of taking charge of your present moments. This is a phrase that
will reappear many times. It is an essential part of eliminating your
erroneous zones and creating your happiness. There is only one
moment in which you can experience anything, and that is now, yet
a great deal of time is thrown away by dwelling on past or future
experiences. Turning your now into total fulfillment is the touchstone
of effective living, and virtually all self-defeating behaviors (erro-
neous zones) are efforts at living in a moment other than the current
one. Choice and present-moment living will be stressed on almost
every page of this book. With a careful reading, you’ll soon begin
to ask yourself questions. that have never occurred to you before. “Why am I choosing to feel upset right now. ” and “How can I make
more effective use of my present moments. ” are the internal queries
of a person moving away from erroneous zones toward self-reliance
and happiness. 4 / Your Erroneous ZonesThis book concludes with a brief portrait of a person who has
eliminated all erroneous zones and is living in an internally rather
than externally controlled emotional world. The following twenty-
five questions are designed to measure your capacity to choose
happiness and fulfillment. Go through the questions as objectively
as possible and assess yourself and how you live your present mo-
ments. “Yes” responses indicate personal mastery and effective
choice-making. 1. Do you believe that your mind is your own. (Chapter I)
2. Are you capable of controlling your own feelings. (Chapter
I)
3. Are you motivated from within rather than from without. (Chapter VII)
4. Are you free from the need for approval. (Chapter III)
5. Do you set up your own rules of conduct for yourself. (Chapter VII)
6. Are you free from the desire for justice and fairness. (Chapter
VIII)
7. Can you accept yourself and avoid complaining. (Chapter
II)
8. Are you free from hero worship. (Chapter VIII)
9. Are you a doer rather than a critic. (Chapter IX)
10. Do you welcome the mysterious and the unknown. (Chapter
VI)
11. Can you avoid describing yourself in absolute terms. (Chapter IV)
12. Can you love yourself at all times. (Chapter II)
13. Can you grow your own roots. (Chapter X)
14. Have you eliminated all dependency relationships. (Chapter
X)
15. Have you eliminated all blame and fault-finding in your life. (Chapter VII)
16. Are you free from ever feeling guilty. (Chapter V)INTRODUCTION—A PERSONAL STATEMENT  / 517. Are you able to avoid worrying about the future. (Chapter
V)
18. Can you give and receive love. (Chapter II)
19. Can you avoid immobilizing anger in your life. (Chapter XI)
20. Have you eliminated procrastination as a life-style. (Chapter
IX)
21. Have you learned to fail effectively. (Chapter VI)
22. Can you enjoy spontaneously without having a plan. (Chapter VI)
23. Can you appreciate and create humor. (Chapter XI)
24. Are you treated by others the way you want to be. (Chapter
X)
25. Are you motivated by your potential for growth, rather than
a need to repair your deficiencies. (Chapter I)
At any given moment of your life, you can choose to say yes to
all of the questions above if you are willing to repeal many “shoulds”
and “oughts” that you have learned throughout your life. The real
choice is whether you decide to be personally free or remain chained
to the expectations that others have of you. A friend of mine, Doris Warshay, after hearing one of my lectures,
wrote a poem to me which she titled New Directions. I want to travel as far as I can go,
I want to reach the joy that’s in my soul,
And change the limitations that I know,
And feel my mind and spirit grow;
I want to live, exist, “to be,”
And hear the truths inside of me. I trust this book will help you to eliminate any “worms” or
blinders that may be keeping you from beautiful new experiences
and to discover and choose your own new directions. 6 / Your Erroneous ZonesI
TAKING CHARGE OF
YOURSELF
The essence of greatness is the ability to choose personal fulfillment
in circumstances where others choose madness. Look over your shoulder. You will notice a constant companion. For want of a better name, call him Your-Own-Death. You can fear
this visitor or use him for your personal gain. The choice is up to
you. With death so endless a proposition and life so breathtakingly
brief, ask yourself, “Should I avoid doing the things I really want to
do. ” “Should I live my life as others want me to. ” “Are things  im-
portant to accumulate. ” “Is putting it off the way to live. ” Chances
are your answers can be summed up in a few words: Live…Be
You…Enjoy…Love. You can fear your death, ineffectually, or you can use it to help
you learn to live effectively. Listen to Tolstoy’s Ivan Ilych as he
awaits the great leveler, contemplating a past which was thoroughly
dominated by others, a life in which he had given up control of
himself in order to fit into a system. 7“What if my whole life has been wrong. ” It occurred to him
that what had appeared perfectly impossible before, namely
that he had not spent his life as he should have done, might
after all be true. It occurred to him that his scarcely noticeable
impulses, which he had immediately suppressed, might have
been the real thing, and the rest false. And his professional
duties and the whole arrangement of his life and of his family,
and all his social and official interests, might all have been false. He tried to defend all those things to himself and suddenly felt
the weakness of what he was defending. There was nothing to
defend…. The next time you are contemplating a decision in which you are
debating whether or not to take charge of yourself, to make your
own choice, ask yourself an important question, “How long am I
going to be dead. ” With that eternal perspective, you can now make
your own choice and leave the worrying, the fears, the question of
whether you can afford it and the guilt to those who are going to be
alive forever. If you don’t begin taking these steps, you can anticipate living
your entire life the way others say you must. Surely if your sojourn
on earth is so brief, it ought at least to be pleasing to you. In a word,
it’s your life; do with it what you want. Happiness and Your Own I. Q. Taking charge of yourself involves putting to rest some very pre-
valent myths. At the top of the list is the notion that intelligence is
measured by your ability to solve complex problems; to read, write
and compute at certain levels; and to resolve abstract equations
quickly. This vision of intelligence predicates formal education and
bookish excellence as the true measures of self-fulfillment. It encour-
ages a kind of intellectual snobbery8 / Your Erroneous Zonesthat has brought with it some demoralizing results. We have come
to believe that someone who has more educational merit badges,
who is a whiz at some form of scholastic discipline (math, science,
a huge vocabulary, a memory for superfluous facts, a fast reader) is
“intelligent. ” Yet mental hospitals are clogged with patients who
have all of the properly lettered credentials—as well as many who
don’t. A truer barometer of intelligence is an effective, happy life
lived each day and each present moment of every day. If you are happy, if you live each moment for everything it’s worth,
then you are an intelligent person. Problem solving is a useful adjunct
to your happiness, but if you know that given your inability to re-
solve a particular concern you can still choose happiness for yourself,
or at a minimum refuse to choose unhappiness, then you are intelli-
gent. You are intelligent because you have the ultimate weapon
against the big N. B. D. Yep— Nervous Break Down. Perhaps you will be surprised to learn that there is no such thing
as a nervous breakdown. Nerves don’t break down. Cut someone
open and look for the broken nerves. They never show up. “Intelli-
gent” people do not have N.
The book's main theme is the importance of taking charge of one's life and thoughts, and the need to eliminate self-defeating behaviors.
What is the main theme of the book "Your Erroneous Zones"?
The author of the book is Wayne W. Dyer.
Who is the author of the book "Your Erroneous Zones"?
The author has written the book in a way that is easy to understand and does not use complicated jargon, as he believes that being happy is a natural state and can be achieved by anyone.
What is the author's approach to writing this book?
The author believes that people can control their emotions by choosing to think differently and not accepting societal norms.
What is the author's stance on the idea that one cannot control their emotions?
The introduction emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for one's life, happiness, and self-acceptance, and encourages the reader to stop blaming others for their unhappiness.
What is the main message of the book's introduction?