OceanofPDF .comHAR VEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS
EUGENE , OREGON
OceanofPDF .comUnless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy
Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984,
2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Verses marked NASB  are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, ©
1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The
Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. ( www .Lockman.or g)
Verses marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible , New Living Translation,
copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used
by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois
60188. All rights reserved. Verses marked ASV are taken from  the American Standard Version of the
Bible. Cover Image © Borut T rdina / iStock
Cover design by Bryce W illiamson
Published in association with MacGregor Literary , Inc. This book includes stories in which people’ s names and some details of
their situations have been changed to protect their privacy . WHEN LOVING HIM IS HUR TING YOU
Copyright © 2017 David Hawkins
Published by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www .harvesthousepublishers.com
ISBN 978-0-7369-6981-9 (pbk.) ISBN 978-0-7369-6982-6 (eBook)Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Hawkins, David, 1951- author . Title: When loving him is hurting you / Dr . David Hawkins. Description: Eugene Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, [2017]
Identifiers: LCCN 2017001807| ISBN 9780736969819 (pbk.) | ISBN
9780736969826 (eBook)
Subjects: LCSH: Man-woman relationships—Religious aspects—
Christianity . | Narcissism—Religious aspects—Christianity . | Men—
Psychology . | Marriage—Religious aspects—Christianity . |
Interpersonal relations—Religious aspects—Christianity . Classification: LCC BV4597.53.M36 H39 2017 | DDC 261.8/327—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017001807
All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any
form or by any means—ele ctronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy ,
recording, or any other—with out the prior written permission of the
publisher . The authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable,
nonexclusive, and noncommercial right to access and view this electronic
publication, and purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the
terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in
or encourageme nt of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of author ’s
and publisher ’s rights is strictly prohibited. OceanofPDF .comD E D I C A T I O N
To two beautiful girls who lovingly call me Grampa—Maisie
and Kate . As you enter a world so desperate for change, for equality ,
and for safety , I envision two str ong, vibrant visionaries who
can and will speak out and become part of the solution to the
problems described in this book . OceanofPDF .comCONTENTS
Dedication
Introduction
PART 1: N ARCISSISM
1. Swept Of f Your Feet
2. Power , Privilege, and Personality
3. Falling for Him Again
4. How Dare Y ou Say That! 5. Narcissistic V ictim Syndrome
PART 2: E MOTIONAL  ABUSE
6. The Many Faces of Emotional Abuse
7. Enabling as Secondary Abuse
8. When the Church Is Abusive
9. Growing Smaller and Smaller
PART 3: R ECOVERING FROM  NARCISSISTIC AND  EMOTIONAL  ABUSE10. Change Begins with Y ou
11. The T ruth W ill Set Y ou Free
12. Maintaining Dignity with Boundaries
13. Rediscovering Y our Godly Self
Notes
About the Author
Also by Dr . David Hawkins…
About the Publisher
OceanofPDF .comI N T R O D U C T I O N
When Loving Him Is Hurting Y ou. What a title for a book. I so wish  the title could have been When Loving
Him Makes Your Heart Sing, or perhaps When Loving Him Makes You
Smile W ildly. That’ s what love should be about, after all. Loving him shou ld be so
self-evident that people in the grocery line stop and ask, “Why are you
smiling?” and you respond, “Because I love my husband so much and he
loves me just as much in return.”
That’ s what love is about, isn’ t it? We know a lot about healthy love. We know in healthy love we feel
larger, stronger , safer than when  we are alone. We feel bold and secure, able
to move  about in the world with confidence because we are deeply and
securely loved. You are likely reading this book because you have felt deeply
disappointed in love. Rather than smiling wildly , you feel discouraged and
fearful. Y ou have lost much of your hopefulness and seek ways to regain it. You will find that hope in this book and in the friends you will meet
here. Y ou will find help and encouragement in these pages. Amid the stories
of women like you, you’ll find advice on how to not only survive your
situation but also thrive once again. In addition to hope, you will find
healing. I admit that as I prepared to write this book, I wondered if I could do the
topic justice. How could I possibly give voice to the thousand s of women
I’ve counseled over the past ten years as I’ve spent countless  hours with
victims and perpetrators of narcissistic and emotional abuse? How could I
possibly put into words the depth of their fears and anxieties? Narcissisticand emotional abuse is, after all, incredibly elusive. Often hard to define,
emotional abuse is experienced more than recognized. You, more than many others, know about the elusive aspect of this
problem. You know the countless people you’ve reached out to for support
and help, only to feel abandoned and discounted. In asking for help, you’ve
received platitud es and shallow words of counsel. You’ve received even
worse—dismissive comments—when suffering from a broken heart, a
troubled mind, and a hurting body . You will find an understanding voice in this book, albeit inadeq uate, for
no one can possibly know what you are experiencing except  those who
have walked your journey . None theless, in these pages you will find stories
and counsel to meet you at your places of pain. As I’ve written, I’ve been aware of so much more that is needed. Another book is needed as a follow-up to this one and then perhaps another
after that. We are on the cutting  edge of knowledge about the debilitating
phenomenon called narcissistic and emotional abuse. My writing and speaking on this topic have left me feeling a bit
discouraged. I fear we have set our sights far too low. I fear we have settled
for love that isn’t love. We have settled for a kind of love that reflects
tolerance or worse, harm. W e—your pastors, counselors, friends, and family
—have sold you something you should no longer buy. Love,  to be love,
must leave you heartened and happy , not hurting and discouraged. When Loving Him Is Hurting You, as you may sense, was not easy to
write. It has not been easy to sit with thousands—yes, thousands—of
women who have argued to be heard, and rightfully so. Having been
dismissed and discounted, blam ed and shamed, their voices have been all
but silenced. They have shared their stories of narcissistic and emotional
abuse, stories they have mostly kept silent for fear of feeling further shame
and misunderstanding. It has been an impossible journey you know all too
well. The victims of abuse have entrusted me with their stories, and I have the
responsibility to retell them accurately and to offer hope for those still
searching for answers to their pain. It is time for things to change. It is time
we listened to their stories, heard the truths in them, and made drastic
changes. We will share friendship, compassion, stories, and solutions in this
book.I wish we were beyond men using women to support their vulnerable
egos. I so wish we were beyond patriarchal communities , churches,
societies, and nations where women are harmed physically , emotionally ,
and spiritually . While we seem to have made inroads into physical domestic
violence, we have only begun to wage war against narcissistic and
emotional abuse . Join me on this path of recovery , which begins with
understanding and leads to speaking out and setting boundaries against it. It is strange to live in such an uneducated, uninformed, and harmful
world, where emotional abuse—considered by many to be even more
damaging than physical violen ce—is allowed to run amok. This horrific
form of violence  is everywhere, yet interventions are unheard of. This must
stop. I have the honor to peer into this dark world and shine the tiniest bit of
light. It is dark because abused women still feel stigmatized about speaking
out against it. It is dark because we don’t want to admit this kind of abuse
exists, much like slavery of years ago and sex trafficking today . We are so
ashamed of this covert abuse that we simply refuse to talk about it. Again,
this must stop. I share in this book that we really do know , in ways we cannot openly
admit, about this abuse. We can’t help but know about it since it exists
everywher e. You cannot ride a bus, train, or plane without seeing someone
cower in fear. You cannot gather with your extended family without seeing
and hearing about this abuse. Yet we turn away . It is still too frightening to
speak out when you know you will be dismissed. You cannot go out in
public and not hear a man yell obscenities at a woman, and yet we numb
ourselves to it. You are part of a group of people speaking boldly that this
must stop. There is, thankfully , a new wind blowing. There are strong female
voices, perhaps some of the same ones who have spoken out about physical
domestic violenc e, who recognize emotional violence is just as harmful and
must be stopped. Young and old, women are standing up and speaking
about the unspeakable debilitating impact of narcissistic and emotional
abuse. This familiar , everyday form of violence is finally receiving press. People are finally beginning to listen. Women with daily migraine
headaches, adrenal failure, anxiety, and depression are finding the strengthto say this form of violence must stop. You are part of this healing
community . Welcome. I am pleased you are reading this book. You are part of a growing,
strong, influential group of women (and men) who will speak out against
abuse in all forms. Let’s keep the conversation going. I will keep writing,
counseling, speaking, and learning. W ill you join me? OceanofPDF .comPART 1
N A R C I S S I S M
OceanofPDF .com1
SWEPT OFF YOUR FEET
Do not think of yourself mor e highly than you ought . ROMANS 12:3
I don’t know what happened,” Susan told me, rubbing her temples to ease
the physical pain from her lingering emotional struggles. Susan, a warm and sensitive 46-year -old divorced mother of two
adolescent girls, had reentered the dating scene with some trepidation and
more than a dash of caution. “He was such a smooth talker ,” she continued. “He was so carin g, kind,
and wonderful. He was a strong Christian leader , active in the singles
ministry at our church. I should have known something was wrong when I
thought this was too good to be true. It was too good to be true.”
Susan had first met Jeff, a bold and daring Realtor , at their church. He
was also divorced and dating. Both had proclaimed caution regarding
dating, though attraction overwhelmed their best intentions to “go slow.”
This would be no slow romance. In fact, he proposed to her after only three
months of dating. “I knew it was too soon,” she admitted, still holding her head, “but we
wanted to be celibate until married, and everything seemed so right. I feel
like such a fool now .”
Chemistry certainly has a way of clouding our thoughts and best
intentions. How ever, to be fair to Susan, anyone can be swept off her feet,
especially if the one doing the sweeping is daring, talented, and good-looking. Being a great talker and a good listener with a wit that had no
limits, Jef f’s dating resume was strong. Jeff is not a bad guy. Far from it. He is liked by many . He has a cadre of
friends, is active in the chamber of commerce, teaches classes at his church,
and is financially  stable. He has three children who truly care about him. He
is not a diabolical, scheming Cassanova. Jef f is, however , dangerous. Susan was swept off her feet by Jeff’s wonderful traits. They are real,
and she is not the first person to have been swept up in his charisma. Jeff is
bright, charming…and narcissistic, and that is enough to cause serious
trouble for any woman. Now , three years into their marriage, she is
desperately trying to regain her emotional footing and recover her life. If you, like Susan, have met a narcissistic man and are spinning from
love gone wrong, keep reading. Narcissus
The problem of narcissism is not new. The term “narcissism” comes
from Greek mythology . Narciss us was a hunter , renowned for his beauty . He was exceptionally proud and handsome, and he knew it. His enemy ,
Nemesis, discovered his weakness and devised a plan to use it. Nemesis
lured Narcissus to a pool where Narcissus fell in love with his own
reflection in the water . Unable to pull himself away , Narcissus fell under the
spell of his own image and drowned. The story of Narcissus is far from an old, irrelevant myth—it is the
basis of a severe character issue that is devastating to those involved. The
truths of this dark drama have survived throughout the centuri es. Shallow
self-adoration (narcissism) is at the root of many serious disorders. Far from
being a simple and benign problem, narcissism wreaks havoc not only in
the one who has those traits but also with all who are unwittingly ensnared
in relatio nships with him. Self-obsession leads to death of the self as well as
death of the relationship. The myth of Narcissus and the truths it warns against must inform us
today . We must learn more about the dangers of self-love and self-
centeredness and their devastating impact if we are going to have healthy
relationships. We must learn what Scripture has to say about self-love and
the influence it has on our ability to relate ef fectively in the world.You and Nar cissism
Many seem to be talking about narcissism, and everyone seems to be an
expert. Everyon e is quick to offer counsel on what to do with your
narcissistic man, sure that they know what is right for your life. You know ,
however , that nothing is that simple. You know your relationship with your
man is complex,  and your questions have no simple answers. If we begin to
understand more about this problem, we can move into what you can do to
make healthier choices. You’re likely reading this book because you’ve been on the emotional
roller coaster with someone with narcissistic traits. Like Susan, you may
have believed your situation was too good to be true and discovered your
worst fears were correct. Origin ally believing it was your good fortune to
find someone who was charming, intelligent, determined, and decisive, now
you’re not so sure. It started so well. You were captivated by his attention, enamo red with
his charm, engulfed in his persistence to have a relationship with you. But
the thorns quickly began to grow  on the rose. Blue skies became cloudy . As
you brought your concerns to him, he rebutted with excuses. Every problem
of yours  came with excuses from him. His defensiveness, rationalizations,
and blame shifting from him have left your head spinning. Y ou are confused
and wondering what hit you. Narcissism has suddenly become more than an old myth, a story of a
self-centered young man. For you it is real, powerful, and incredibly
disconcerting. Are you considering leaving the relationship? Are you
ambivalent? You feel confused. You care about him. His good traits are still
good. You have invested time, energy, and love, and things are not as
simple as some might imagine. No one simply walks away when trouble
emer ges, right? With mixed feelings come jangled thoughts, and with
jangled thoughts come more confusion. The problem now isn’t just that you have mixed feelings. Everyone has
mixed feelings about nearly everything. You can deal with that. Your
situation is now more serious. When you recoil at his self-centered actions,
he blames you and tells you you’re wrong. You become more confused. You complain when he rationalizes his childish behavior , only to be toldyou’re the one who’ s behavin g badly . The comingling of positive and
negative interactions has you reeling. It is natural to seek relief from the very person causing you harm , yet to
do so brings even more problems. Just as quickly as you complain to him,
he rever ses the blame onto you! In fact, he ups the ante, firing myriad
criticisms at you, causing you to wonder what is going on. “You will never be satisfied,” he says. “You blame me for everything,” he challenges. “You care about everyone more than me,” he yells. “I give and give to you and get nothing in return,” he insults. He says he loves you, but he is never satisfied. You are left with your
head spinning. Does he love you or not? If only the question were that
simple. It is not! What are you to do with a relationship like this? When it’s good, it’s
very good, and when it’ s bad, it’ s very bad. What about a relationship where
you are treated like a queen one day and the archenemy the next? How do
you make sense  out of something that simply does not make sense? It’s not
so easy to make quick decisions here. This book is about relating to a narcissistic man—a man who is so very
charming, very delightful, very persuasive. It’s about getting your bearings
so your head will stop spinning and you can see which way is up. It’s about
stepping back, learning all you can about narcissism, and then making good
decisions about the future of your relationship. Love at First Sight
Many don’t believe in love at first sight. Don’ t say that to Ginny , a 34-
year-old woman  who came to see me at the Marriage Recovery Center with
her husband, Danny . Married for six years, both said their marriage was a dream for the first
couple of years. I asked them to give me a history of their problems and
why they were reaching out for help. “He was so delightful,” Ginny enthused. She leaned back in her chair ,
brushed her blonde hair out of her face, and smiled brightly as she recalled
their early years.“I waited until my late twenties to get married. He swept me off my
feet. He was everything I was looking for in a man. He took time listening
to me. He was considerate, kind, and attentive. I absolutely fell for him.”
She paused and reflected, glancing over at her husband, who stared
blankly at her . “I had dated some other guys who weren’ t nearly as attentive as Danny . They were self-centered and shallow . He was caring and asked  me lots of
questions. He really seemed to care.”
“What went wrong?” I asked. Danny sat motionless as he listened to
Ginny tell her story . He seemed unmoved by her pain. “Then it became all about him,” she said with obvious sadness. She
began to cry , though he still sat distant and apparently unempathetic. “I worked while he went to law school,” she continued. “I kept working
while he built his practice, even though we had two girls in the first few
years of marriage. He rarely asked about my life and my world, focusing his
attention on his practice and his status in the community . He joined every
civic group he could to build his reputation—and it worked. But I got lost. I
don’t know if he even knows how I spend my days.”
Danny frowned as Ginny continued to share with me. “I don’t see it that way at all,” he said finally with disdain. “I worked
my tail off in law school and now work 60 hours a week so she can have a
big house and a nice car. I can’t believe I’m not getting more respect. Her
tears just make me sick. I’m the one almost killing myself for everyone, and
this is what I get for it?”
“See what I mean?” Ginny asked. “I share my pain, and his is always
bigger . He has it worse than anyone, hurts more than anyone, and can’t hear
about my feelings. I feel absolutely alone in this marriage.”
“I feel just as alone, Ginny ,” Danny shouted derisively . “Don’ t you get
that? I feel just as alone. You’re not the only one hurting here.” Danny
jumped up and began pacing the room, giving periodic angry glances to me
and his wife. Such was the beginning of their counseling process. While both were
hurting—typical of marriages coming to my Marriage Recovery Center—
Danny’ s wounds always seeme d to be bigger than Ginny’ s. His point of
view always took precedence over her perspective. Her desires took second
place to his. My work was cut out for me.The Sin of Nar cissism
The central issue here is not just that narcissism causes problems in a
relationship. Narcissism does that and far more! The central issue is not that
narcissism is an imbalance within the personality . The central issue is that
narcissism is also sin. Yes, those are strong words . We are more comfortable calling
narcissism a character defect or a thinking error . We are quick to label
someone a narcissist or a man who has narcissistic traits. Certainly it is
those things as well as a diagnosable problem. But it is also sin. How can I make such a brazen claim? Reflect for a moment with me on
these words from the apostle Paul:
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not
think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of
yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God
has distributed to each of you (Romans 12:3). These words are piercing and make clear how we as Christians ought to
conduct ourselves. Narcissism is out! Humility is in! Solomon, the wisest man who has ever lived, said this about the
narcissist:
The proud and the arrogant person—“Mocker” is his name—
behaves with insolent fury (Proverbs 21:24). He goes on to say we must avoid such a person! Finally , Jesus had this to say about how we should conduct ourselves:
Whoever wants to become great among you must be your
servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For
even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and
to give his life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:43-45).These are but a few of the Scriptures indicting arrogance. Yet it is so
easy to puff ourselves up and put others down. There is a bit of the mocker
in all of us. Consider the ways you may think of yourself as slightly above others. Narcissism is not only damagin g and hurtful, it is sinful and must not be
ignored or enabled. Traits of Nar cissistic Personality Disorder
Unfortunately , most of us aren’ t sure where self-centeredness ends and
narcissism begins. Furthermore, we’re not sure whether someone has a
diagnosable problem or is simply pompous. To add to the problem, there is conflicting information on the Internet
and in books about narcissis m. The flood of broken and damaged
relationships has led some people to label any self-centeredness as
narcissism. Someone told me recently they thought narcissis m was the
diagnosis du jour . Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) seems to be the latest diagnosis
in vogue. For the longest time we were diagnosing kids and then adults with
attention deficit disorder . Then came borderline personality disorder . Now
we have narcissistic personality disorder . Anytime we’re annoyed with our mate, anytime they get into a mood or
push their agenda, we’re tempt ed to scream, “Narcissist!” Sometimes the
label fits—sometimes not. Let’ s see if this helps determine the dif ference. The American Psychiatric Association’ s Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders  lists these symptoms as necessary to
legitimately render a diagnosis of NPD. You must have at least five of the
following criteria to fit the diagnosis:
• Exhibits an exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Has a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power ,
brilliance, beauty , or ideal love
• Believes he is “special” and can only be understood by , or should
associate with, other special or high-status people• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a sense of entitlement
• Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
• Lacks empathy
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
• Shows arrogant, haughty , patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or
attitudes
In addition to these criteria for a diagnosis of NPD, the AP A states,
If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent
developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an
irremediable condition. Howev er, if narcissism is a behavior
pattern that’s learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous ,
that it’ s a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.1
It’s time to become more active , and I will help you separate facts from
fiction, feelings  from fantasy . Together we will look at the facts and
consider the possibilities so you can choose your future wisely . The Headlines on Nar cissism
Narcissists have  received a lot of negative press—much of it deserved. Narcissism is devastating. However , many of the headlines on narcissism
only create more confusion. Y ou’ve probably read things like these:
• “They’ll never change.”
• “You’re going to get caught in their snare and get trapped.”
• “They reel you in and fling you out.”• “You’ll leave in much worse shape than when you started.”
• “Once a narcissist, always a narcissist.”
• “Your self-esteem will never be the same.”
Oh my! Is this all true? Is it really that disastrous? Is it true that it’s
absolutely dire if your mate has narcissistic traits? If you have narcissistic
traits, then do you have NPD? If he has narcissistic traits, should you run? These are all great questions. I’m alarmed, however , at the blogs
announcing the end to your sanity if you have a relationship with someone
with narcissistic traits. Now , before you throw this book against the wall in disgust, please
understand that I’ve worked with hundreds of men with narcis sistic traits. This book will look at narcissistic men from every possible angle, and you
will learn the truth about narcissism and your best response to it. Narcissistic T raits
As we have discussed, not every man with narcissistic traits has NPD. As with most personality disord ers, this is best understood as a spectrum on
which your man may fall. Narc issism is best understood not as an all-or -
nothing phenomenon, but rather a low-to-high continuum. My client, Danny , is likely to have narcissistic traits but not full-blown
NPD. T o a misunderstanding eye, he may appear to have NPD. A reading of
the traits for NPD may yield “yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.” Again, let’s
consider the phenomenon of narcissism as being on a spectrum, from low to
high. Is Danny self-centered? Quite likely! Is he powerful, and does he push
his own agenda? Yes. Does he lack deep, endearing empathy for his wife? Again, yes. Does he act entitled? Sometimes. Is he preoccupied with
fantasies of unlimited power , success, and beauty? Maybe. Does he take
advantage of others to meet his own needs? Not often. Is he willing to seek
help and possibly change? The jury is still out! So you see, the picture can be a bit more muddled than we originally
thought. This is what I often face—a mixed picture with uncertainoutcomes. I’ve counseled hund reds of men who clearly had narcissistic
traits, but the majority did not have NPD. Rather , they had traits that needed
attention and intervention. It is possible that you are involved with a man who, like Danny , has
some narcissistic traits. As we get deeper into the book, we will explore
what to do if your man has mild narcissistic traits, moderate traits, or full-
blown NPD, and you’ll learn how to recognize the difference. We will
address what to do in each situation. A Little Nar cissism Is T oo Much
Just as I offer guarded hope for the mate of a narcissist, I must also
emphasize that a little narcissism goes a long way. A little bit of crazy
making is enough to make your head spin. In no way am I suggesting that
narcissism is just another problem that can be easily remedied. Think about it. Let’s take just one trait of the narcissist and consider the
impact. For example, consider the lack of empathy . You come home from a tough day at the office and want to talk about it
with your man. You’re not looking to complain all evening. You simply
want to share about your rough day. You begin talking about someone at
work, and your man shrugs, giving you quick advice. “You shouldn’ t put up with that,” he states. “I have to put up with it,” you say, getting defensive. “It’s part of my
job.”
“You need to tell your boss it’s intolerable,” he says. “That’ s what I’d
do. I wouldn’ t take it.”
“You’re not understanding,” you say, trying to explain. “I just wanted to
vent a little about my day .”
“Well, all you do is complain,” he says unsympathetically . You walk away , feeling unheard, uncared for, and alone. No empathy . No compassion. Y ou’re left wondering if you have done something wrong. It’s a small thing, really—not enough to break a marriage. But day in
and day out, it takes a toll on you. A little bit of narcissism is devastating. Dr. Jekyll and Mr . HydeMy intent is not to quibble over whether your man is a bona fide
narcissist. It’s about identifyin g the traits that make up narcissism and
learning what you can do if your mate has narcissistic traits and how you
can make healthy choices about it. In all aspects of life, we must step back from a situation or relationship
and make a judgment. Is this relationship healthy for me? Can I be myself
in this relationsh ip, or does coping within the relationship cost too much? Do the cons outweigh the pros in this relationship? One of the descriptors often used by women in describing their man is
“Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” aptly named after the character with the alter
ego. In that story by Robert Louis Stevenson, we are faced with the dual
nature of a man. Dr. Jekyll has a dark side—Mr . Hyde. One side is angelic,
but the other side is devilish. The novel conta ins striking contrasts in characters, but there is a certain
truth about the novel in all of us and certainly within the narcissistic man. Many men have  the good qualities of Dr. Jekyll, and this part of a man’ s
character can be quite charming and even mesmerizing. However , within
the narcissistic man is also Mr. Hyde—quite capable of being self-centered,
shallow , and hurtful. Staying Alive
You’re reading this book because you have fallen in love with the caring
aspect of your man—Dr . Jekyll. You were infatuated by his charm and
seduced by his wit and admiration, and you became enmeshed with him. Over time you came to see the darker side of his personali ty—Mr . Hyde. You’ve discovered how easily he can be hurt. When hurt, he turns on
you and blames  you for his problems. With your head spinning , you think
about getting out of the relationship but also discover that he needs you. In
fact, you both need each other . As you move forward, your needs must change. You must become more
familiar with his character , learning why you became attached to him, why
you have stayed, and what you will do in the future. It’s time to step back
and reflect on your man. This will not be an easy task, but it is one you can
do. It is not likely , however , that you will obtain a perfectly clear picture. Life is rarely that black and white. However , as you understand him more,you can learn to trust yourself again. You can determine what traits in him
need to be changed and how you can set boundaries—either he makes those
necessary changes or you leave the relationship. Either way, you will
discover a way to be healthy . Consider that this relationship is an opportunity for you to grow . In this
book you will have many opportunities to discern how you can grow and
even thrive. By answering tough questions and being honest with yourself,
you will gain clarity and discover the direction to take. The Path Forward
I can assure you that as you read this book, you will understand
narcissism bette r. And more important, you will know how to proceed. You
will discern either how to recover from your narcissistic relation ship or how
to create an intervention to determine whether your narcissistic man can and
will change. Y ou will learn how…
• The narcissist uses personality to gain power . • You may be prone to falling in love with a narcissist. • Narcissists are thin-skinned and easily hurt, and the impact that has on
you. • Narcissists are wounded little boys inside. • You lose your life to the narcissist. • You can begin to change the dynamics of the narcissistic relationship. • You can rediscover and recover your life. • You can use boundaries ef fectively with narcissists. • God will help you develop clarity and be with you on your path of
healing.Your life is not over simply because you may be involved with a
narcissist. Whatever your relationship with a narcissist, let’s journey
together with God as our guide. OceanofPDF .com2
POWER, PRIVILEGE, AND PERSONALITY
Once God has spoken; twice have I hear d this: that power
belongs to God . PSALM 62:1 1 NASB
Narcissism and emotional abuse are all about power . Add privilege and
personality , and boom, you have a one-two-three punch. It is critical that
you learn about that power , how it might impact you, and how you can
learn to make healthy choices based on this new knowledge. Think about it. Narcissists are consummate egomaniacs, ready to take
over every situa tion. Even if they start out soft and deferent, they quickly
exert their influence. They overwhelm others with the sheer force of their
personality , and therefore you must learn about the power tactics of
narcissists. This is what this chapter is about. When I reflect on this one-two-three punch—power , privilege, and
personality—I quiver . I’m no lightweight, and yet when I face a man who
thinks he’s indomitable, I’m temporarily stupefied. I’m not sure about
myself—what I think, want, or need. No wonder countless women get
caught in relationships with powerful men and then feel powerless to
escape. I just wrapped up a marriage intensive that did not go well, and there
was one reason our time and progress was compromised: a very powerful,
intimidating, and smug man. He came in puffing out his chest and left with
much the same attitude.I had a sinking feeling at the first hello. His handshake was firm, and I
could tell by the look in his eyes that his hello really meant, “I don’t want to
be here. Y ou better side with me, or I’m leaving.”
“This is my last effort,” he added. “I’m not here because I want to be. She fires anyone who doesn’ t go along with her. We’ll see how this goes. If
this doesn’ t work, I’m out of here.”
Okay , not the warmest greeting ! There was no “I’m so thankful to be
here,” which is typical. There was no “I’m ready to change and invite you
to point out what I might be doing to help create the problems we have.”
No. Just a marking of his territory . I was put on notice and scrambled,
deciding how I would respond to him. When dealing with narcissists, such an initial greeting is not
remarkable. They don’t typicall y come knocking on my door looking for
help. Generally lacking insight and resistant to change, they come because
their mate has given them an ultimatum. While necessary to get them to my
door, such circumstances don’t often do much to endear them to me. My
work was, once again, cut out for me. Adam and Every W oman
This man was not completely unusual. Posturing and strutting are two
of the power tactics used by the narcissist and emotionally abusive man. Learning how to deal effectively  with emotionally abusive men has become
a custom ary part of my practice. I had to learn about power , and now I will
teach you. Many powerful men create havoc by their forcefulness. Strong,
determined, and bullheaded, they can be overwhelming. But this is not a
new syndrome. The push for power started long ago. Let’ s start there. We can hardly blame them. Adam and Eve were just like us. They
enjoyed all the comforts lavis hed on them, and then, when given the
opportunity to add power to the mix, the temptation was simply too great. There they were , in the Garden  of Eden, where their every desire was
met. They could walk freely in the garden and eat from any of the trees
except one. “The LORD God warned him, ‘You may freely eat the fruit of
every tree in the garden—except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die’” (Genesis 2:16-17 NLT).It initially appeared that our wonderful beginning would have a happy
ending. Satan, however , in the form of a serpent, taunted Eve with the
promise of power . “‘You will not certainly die,’ the serpent said to the woman. ‘For God
knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be
like God, knowing good and evil’” (Genesis 3:4-5). And so Adam and Eve decided they wanted to be wise and powerful
like God, and our lives were forever changed. Just like Adam and Eve
I’d like to believe I would have withstood the serpent’ s taunting to
obtain power , but deep down I know it’s not true. I canno t limit my
indulgence in a buffet line, stop myself from overworking, inhibit my
overspending, or control any number of other vices. I cannot withstand the
temptation to buy a nicer car than my neighbor , let alone stand up against
the possibility of having the power of God. Who am I trying to kid? This is not to say we are all narcissistic or emotionally abusive. We’re
not! I take some comfort in knowing I am just like everyone and, in fact,
just like Adam and Eve. We are all susceptible and vulnerable to the lure of
power , prestige, and personality . Notice the incredible draw of the Kardashians, the stars on Dancing
with the Stars , or your favorite celebrity . Notice how we have an insatiable
desire to learn about the glittering people and secretly wish we could have
just a bit of their glitter ourselves. Understand that it is not just the glitter
that tempts us, but the power that glitter buys. These stars can have
anything they want! The narcissist drinks from that same well. He wants that power and
admiration and believes he is that star! For all that star power , howeve r, most of us know when to put on the
brakes. Overspending is one thing; taking advantage of and exploiting
others for our own gain is something quite different. Lusting  after your
colleague’ s recent vacation to the Bahamas is one thing; stubbornly refusing
to listen to your mate’ s pleas for attention and care and negle cting her is
something else.Privilege and Personality
We shou ld not be surprised that stars enjoy a certain heightened power ,
given their money , fame, and status in our culture. Celebrities are, well,
celebrated. We pay them extraordinarily well and give them endless
privileges. Combine this privile ged status with personality , and they have
power . Power has always had the possi bility of corrupting. Power—the ability
to make choices others cannot make, to do things others cannot do—can be
intoxicating and changes people. We expe ct stars to act with a certain arrogance. What is it about others
that makes them narcissistic? Are there certain people prone to thinking
they are better than others? The answer to that is, quite obviously , yes. At
least there are those who believe  they are better than the rest of us. You
have seen them . You know you are around people who belie ve they are
special, a cut above, by the way they carry themselves and the way they talk
to the rest of us. Just the other day my wife and I went into an expensive, boutique
design store and expected to be treated well by the clerk. W e weren’ t treated
well at all. After being ignore d for a few minutes, we finally got his
attention. Treated stiffly, we shopped for a few moments and then left. I felt
uneasy as we left the store. At the moment I couldn’ t discern why I felt uneasy— less than . Upon leaving the store, Christie commented, “Did you feel like we just
had a Pretty W oman  moment?”
“Huh?” I asked. “You know , when Julia Roberts goes shopping in Pretty W oman  and the
lady in the store tells her she can’t afford to shop there. I felt like that in
there.”
“Maybe so,” I said. “That is a specia lty store,” Christie added. “It caters to a lot of high-end
clients, and the clerk is proba bly used to selling to privile ged people. Maybe he figure d we weren’ t going to buy anything, so why waste time on
us. I don’ t know . He was sure rude though.”
There it was—being treated poorly. Being talked to in a condescending
way so as to establish the pecking order . This clerk, simply by the way hecarried himself and the way he treated us, made us feel “less than.” He let
us know by his actions that the store was above us. If Chris tie and I felt “less than” in this simple setting, imagine
multiplying this experience in a marriage with a power differential. Imagine
a woman with less power functioning day in and day out with a man who
exerts his influence. Personality plus privilege packs a powerful punch. Backstage
I often wonder what we would see if we were offered a peek backstage
with celebrities. With lights and camera off and pretenses set aside, we
often see anothe r side to people ’s personalities. What might we see behind
the scenes? I suggest we would often see an abundance of power tactics. We could
possibly witness times of intimidation, forcefulness, and an insistence on
their way. We might see temper s flare in the face of frustration. Rarely do
people rise to levels of influence with passivity . Without exception, the many narcissists I’ve treated have had
dominance in their personality that is formidable. Charismatic and
personable, they are pleasant as long as things go their way. When met with
frustration, they can be bulldozers. They know what they want, and their
charm and pleasantries may give way to something quite different if
barriers are put in their path. In my book Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life, I note that
aggressors and narcissists are likely to intimidate, threaten,  and throw
temper tantrums to get you to go along with their schemes. They paralyze
us with their intensity , causin g us to shrink back and go along with
whatever they want. Knowing this can be a power equalizer . Preparing for their use of power
can be a way to mitigate some of that power . We will learn more about this
further along in the book. Entitled Privilege
Entitlement is one of the hallmark traits of the narcissist. As if power
and personality were not enough, now he believes these grant him specialprivileges. We can feel his entitlement in the way he moves, the way he
talks, and the way he expects others to treat him. He’ s special. Power , gained either through money , political status, or personality—
sometimes an aggressive person ality—is, in its purest form, the ability to
influence others. These common attributes of power open doors, gain
additional privileges, and then change the brains of those who wield power . Power hungry and power fed, powerful people often act entitled. They
may dominate and even intimidate—more power tactics. We feel
domination. We sense intimidation and must be wary of it. We must
recognize it in colleagues, bosses, friends, and of course, mates. I worked with a man named Jake who exemplified this issue. Jake rose
up quick ly in his law firm, starting out as an intern and becoming a partner
in just ten years. He had the advantage of a good background. The son of two powerful businesspeople in a large East Coast city, Jake
was destined for power . He already had privilege and personality , and
power often follows. He was an only child, and his paren ts expected
greatness. He attended private schools and then an Ivy League university . His trajectory was set at an early age. He lived a life of privilege and
learned to use the power it garnered him. His college was selected for him,
and he was given two choices for career: law or medicine. He chose law . Jake’ s scholastic achievements and performance in the law firm,
combined with a few parental  connections, expedited his rise in rank,
power , and privilege. His parents endowed him with a college education
and healthy bank account and paid for his country club membership. With few obstacles in his path,  he developed a gregarious personality . His early  adulth ood continued smoothly . He married his college sweetheart,
another lawyer , and they started a family . It wasn’ t long before Jake’ s
career , with its long hours and many community responsibilities, began
taking its toll on his marriage. He was driven and determined,  and he had
begun to taste success. The more he tasted, the more he wanted. That’ s about when his wife, Jessica, contacted me. “We have every possible benefit a family could want except love,”
Jessica began. “Jake is a good provider . I work part-time, care for our
children, and play golf with my friends. But I don’t dare sugges t Jake work
less to be with us or ask about his investments. In fact, I don’t dare say
anything to Jake that he doesn’ t want to hear. Everyone in our communityand church loves him. But I’m not sure where I fit in. I’m not married to a
man; I’m married to a power machine.”
“Money without love isn’ t worth much,” I stated. “You’ve got that right,” she said sadly . “I don’t think peopl e really
understand. They look at us and think we have it all.”
“Have you spoken to others about this?” I asked. “I don’t have anyone to talk to,” she said. “Everyone believes Jake is
the best thing that ever happened to this community . He looks good, acts
good…he’ s who they look up to. He’s on the deacon board at church. In
fact, he and the pastor are buddies. The pastor can’t see any of these
problems because he is just as powerful as Jake. He’s the CEO of a 2000-
member church and needs Jake.”
“I can imagine,” I said. “So, you see how Jake and the pastor could feed each other ’s desire for
success? He’s an asset to his law firm, our city, our church, and I guess to
us. But I have to sit silently watching things happen around me. He doesn’ t
listen to my thoughts, so I quit trying to communicate. I hold everything
in.”
“How would you describe your marriage?” I asked. “It’s great if I don’t tell him how awful I feel. If I do, he launches into
an attack  of how ungrateful I am for everything we have—and  we have a
lot. I feel guilty complaining to you about it now. I’m afraid to expose any
of my feelings to anyone.”
Jessica has some incredible challenges facing her . She lives in a million-
dollar home, drives a fancy car, and hasn’ t a financial care in the world. In
exchange, she keeps silent about not having an intimate connect ion with her
husband. Narcissists’ Personality Plus
Although Jessica complained to me about her life, she had been pulled
into Jake’ s powerful web one step at a time. Initially she felt drawn to his
kindness and strength, but now she feels pushed away by his enormous life. She wanted to be cared for because of who she was, but now his attention to
her comes in very small doses.“Jake can be a wonderful man,” she said, shifting in mood. “I really do
love him, but I wonder if he is good for me. I knew he was going to make
something of his life, and he has. I knew I could count on him to provide
stability , and he has. But I didn’t know the fun was going to evaporate. I
didn’ t know the rules of the game were going to be dictated by him.”
“What was it you fell in love with?” I asked. “What keeps you so
attached to him?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “He was charismatic and a leader who could
get anyone to follow him, and they did. I did.”
She paused to answer the second part of the question. “What keeps me attached?” she asked reflectively . “He is still a leader . He is strong where I feel weak. He is courageous where I feel fear. He is
bold where I’m timid. I married him and believe in commitment. It’s all so
confusing.”
As I listened to Jessica I could n’t help but wonder if she was really
timid or if she had pushed down her feelings of strength for so long, she
began to believe she was weak . Many women lose important aspects of
their personality in the face of forcefulness. In working with Jessica I am reminded of many of the narcissistic
people I’ve worked with profe ssionally . They rise to the top, gathering
emotional and charismatic steam on their ascent. The higher they climb, the
more attention they command. The more attention they command, the more
powerful they feel. “Jake can command any room,” Jessica continued. “He gets whatever
he wants because he can convin ce anyone of anything. Who can compete
with that?”
Power often contaminates our thinking. Powerful people start actually
believing they are better than they are, bigger than they are, and more
important than they are. Power combined with love is particularly
intoxicating. Power without the constraints of accountability and morality—
often found in narcissists—is dangerous, and this forces the mate to
disappear! Raw PowerLet’s just put it out there: Jake is a narcissist and an emotionally  abusive
man. Let’ s look at what Jessica said about her husband. “Jake can command any room.”
What a statement! Can you sense Jessica’ s attraction and her fear? Can
you feel her trepidation about making a mistake, her fear of his criticism—
key aspects of emotional abuse? Can you imagine why she might have been
attracted to Jake in the first place and why now, with a famil y, beautiful
home, active church life, and strong place in her community , she would
stay? Mike Bundrant, in his article “10 Traits of Powerful People,” offers a
closer look at power and powerful people. Powerful people, he says, see
power in you and expect you to live up to that power . They may believe in
you more than you believe in yourself. Powerful peopl e also see
weaknesses in you and opportun ities to exploit those weaknesses. They see
a chance to be exactly who they want to be without resistance from you. Bundrant goes on to say that powerful people cannot be easily
manipulated. They know what  they want. They often have clear goals,
purpose, and direction and will set a path and stick to it.1 Again, it is easy to
see why we might be attracted to such a person. The abuse of power has been prevalent throughout history . The Old
Testament is replete with warnings about this. • “You shall not rule over him with severity , but are to revere your God”
(Leviticus 25:43 NASB ). • “You shall not oppress a hired servant who is poor and needy , whether
he is one of your countrymen or one of your aliens who is in your land
in your towns” (Deuteronomy 24:14 NASB ). • “Calling them to himself, Jesus said to them, ‘Y ou know that those
who are recognized as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them; and
their great men exercise authority over them. But it is not this way
among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be
your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave
of all’” (Mark 10:42-44 NASB ).Oppression and abuse of power have always been severely warned
against and are antithetical to the gospel. Power , privilege, and personality
can be incredibly dangerous. Power Envy
Jake abused power , and Jessica was hurt in the process. She probably
wasn’ t the only one. Jessica shared something fascinating with me. “I admired Jake’ s confidence, and I wanted to share in it,” she said. “I
saw him move about with such ease, and I felt stronger being with him. I
saw other people attracted to him, and I knew I would never have all that,
but I could maybe have some of it by being with him.”
She paused and then added, “At least at first. Now I’m just tired. I’m
anxious all the time and feel crazy . When he tells me I should be thankful
for everything we have, my head starts to spin.”
I often tell client s they are likely  in a crazy-making situation if they start
to feel crazy . We are likely experiencing emotional abuse if we feel off
center , confused, and slightly disoriented at times. As I listened, I noticed Jessica’ s push-pull relationship with Jake and his
power . She admires him and the impact he has on others (pull), but she feels
smaller in relationship to him (push). Her weariness and anxiety have
increased with each passing year. Perhaps you can relate. She appreciates
his determination and abilities to go where he wants to go (pull) but hates
that she’s being bulldozed in the process (push). She admires his charm
(pull) but hates his manipulation of her (push). Every positive, enviable trait
seems to have such a harsh shadow side. In the article “Envy: The Emotio n Kept Secret,” Dr. Mary Lami a shares
that envy is a natural emotion, but it is often felt as ugly. Envy  is triggered
when we sense we are coming up short compared to others. In order to
work through our envy , we often struggle to either diminish others, elevate
ourselves, or both. We must perform a lot of mental gymnastics to silence
the envy beast within.2
Jessica’ s admission—admiring and wishing for just a bit of her
husband’ s confidence—is one I’ve heard many times. Many women are
both attracted to and repulsed by the power of men. They want some of thatpower while they simultaneousl y push away from it. They like what power ,
prestige, and personality can get them, but ultimately they loathe the
drawbacks that also come with the territory . Like a moth drawn to a flame,
this struggle can be their undoing. Perhaps you have these same feelings—wanting the benefits that come
with his power while pushing away from the fears that come with his
domination. You feel the perplexing ambivalence of wanting to run while
being committed to stay . Ultimately we would all do well to come to terms with our secret wish
for powe r but also what comes with that power . Many of us have something
in comm on with not only power -wielding men but also power-envying
women. We would do well to step back and evaluate what is really
important to us. As with many other women, the balance sheet for Jessica lands in the
minus column, with liabilities far outweighing assets. If she can gain the
courage to set boundaries on the traits that are harmful to her, regaining her
voice, she may be able to appreciate more of Jake’ s attributes as well as
cultivating those same traits in herself. Personality Plus Dangers
Can you see the dangers of a strong, winning personality? Can you feel
yourself, your own integrity , slipping away , getting smaller and smaller in
the shadow of his huge ego? I’ve always considered emotion al intelligence a critical aspect of the
personality , a greater gift than brain power , but there has always  been a dark
side to an enchanting personality . Charisma—charm and influence with
others—has its dangers, especially if that charisma is not harnes sed or fully
recognized. Consider someone you’ve known who was charming and
manipulative. Tomas Chamorr o-Premuzic, in his article “The Dark Side of Charisma,”
cites four significant dangers of charisma. 1. Charisma dilutes judgment . He states there are only three ways to
influence others: force, reason, and charm. He goes on to say thatforce and reason are rational, while charisma (charm) is based on
emotional manipulation. 2. Charisma is addictive . He states leaders capable of charming their
followers become addicted to their love. They crave approval, which
detracts them from their actual goals. Followers, on the other hand,
become addicted to the leader ’s charisma, leading to a reciprocal
dependence. 3. Charisma disguises psychopaths . You don’ t have to be a psychopath
to be charming, Premuzic says, but many psychopaths are charming. Egocentricity , deceit, manipulativeness, and selfishness are key
aspects of many advancing leaders. 4. Charisma fosters collective nar cissism . People are charmed by others
only when they share values and principles. W e don’ t find someone
charismatic who is very dif ferent from ourselves.3
It is not hard to see these traits of charisma in the narcissist. This list is a
warning of what happens when  charisma and personality run amok. These
dangers highligh t how insidious narcissism and emotional abuse can be. Emotional abuse can be present with anyone who has a degree of charm,
and we must be alert to these dangers. We must use sound judgment to
determine whether someone is using his charm and personality for good (as
President Roosevelt did) or harm (as Hitler did). Money
Perhaps you’ve wondered if I would get around to the topic of money
and how it relates to power , privilege, and personality . Many people like
Jake have power , privilege, personality , and money . There is, without a
doubt, some correlation between all these factors. While having money is not a prerequisite to being a narcissist, people
with money must guard against narcissism. You don’t have to be
emotionally abusive to have money , but wealthy people face more
temptations to use their power against others.Scripture offers this warning: “The love of money is a root of all kinds
of evil. Some people, eager for money , have wandered from the faith and
pierced themselves with many griefs” (1 T imothy 6:10). The Scripture here is clear that the love of money  is the issue, not money
itself. An obsession with acquiring wealth is a self-feeding fire that
consumes a person. In my work with narcissists and emotionally abusive people, money is
often in the mix. Again, money itself is not evil, and wealthy people can be
emotionally healthy. Money doesn’ t have to corrupt. But in many instances,
money feeds the narcissistic ego. Money is power , and power  often hurts
others. The Incr edible Draw
Power , money , privilege, and personality create an incredible draw . Many women have been seduced by this combination, losing their bearings
and sometimes their sanity . I repeat, there is an incredible draw to power , privilege, and personality . In his article “The Dangero us Attraction of Powerful Men,” Mark
Banschick emphasizes that the Kennedys, Bill Clinton, or Tiger Woods
would not have been so successfully seductive had there not been an
audience waiting to “be in love with love.” “Would any of these men,” he
suggests, “have been so exploitative if they couldn’ t get away with it?”4
Look at King David, perhaps the greatest of biblical kings. David was
ruthless in his quest for power , willing to send a man to his death so he
could secure the man’ s wife, Bathsheba. We all know about his repentance
and consequence s of his sin, but in keeping with the culture of his day, little
is mentioned about his abuse of power . He is a study in power , prestige, and
personality with all their attractions and atrocities. When he functioned as a
narcissist, he caused harm to everyone in his world. King David, for all his faults, is a relatable figure. He is known as a man
after God’s heart. He rose in power and stature, fell under their lure and
temptations, but ultimately had a broken and repentant heart. We see why
women would be drawn to him and men would fear him. We also see how
power was dangerously intoxica ting and addictive. As a result, we watched
him fall.The Path Forward
This chapter has been sobering  and perhaps a little discourag ing. I’m
laying out the dangers of narcissism. You must know first about the
dangerous combination of power , privilege, and personality . After
understanding this, you can begin to find a way to confront these issues. While power , prestige, and personality are intoxicating, emotional
sobriety is better . For as much bad press is out there, shouting that the
emotionally abusive man canno t change and the narcissist is never willing
to change, I offer hope. Amid the firestorm on the Internet and social media
berating these men, I of fer another path. The path forward is one of further understanding, further challenge, and
increased possibility . Power , privilege, and personality have their
advantages but also great pitfall s. As we move forward, we will learn how
humility and openness to change can open the doors to healing. Join me as we now learn about falling in love with love, the
vulnerabilities that make you susceptible to abuse, and how to guard
yourself from abuse in the future. OceanofPDF .com3
FALLING FOR HIM AGAIN
And now these thr ee remain: faith, hope and love. But the gr eatest
of these is love . 1 CORINTHIANS 13:13
I can remember exactly where I was when it happened. I know the year , the
date, and definitely the setting. Mostly I remember the feeling. I wrote
about it in the journal I was keeping at the time. “January 20, 2003. I’ve met a wonderful woman,” I wrote. “Her name is
Christie, and she is cute, lively , engaging, and romantic. I want to see her
again. W e’ll see what happens.”
The setting was the small town of Port Orchard, Washington. I took
Christie out to a movie— Catch Me If Y ou Can . Our first date. After a lovely evening comple te with a movie, hors d’oeuv res, and
friendly repartee , I was smitten. I felt my brain change as I admired this
woman. I remember looking at her and saying something like, “I’d like to date
you again, if you’re interested.”
“Are you dating anyone else?” she asked. “Yes,” I said. “That won’ t work for me,” she said confidently . “You’ll need to
decide.”
Decision made!I had been in love before. I knew this feeling, and it was wonderful. I
knew I was about to enter a different world—a wonderful world where
sights are more profound, sounds more intense, smells more delightful, and
colors—oh, the magnificent colors!—are so beautiful. I braced for impact and simultaneously let myself go. Like a ride at the
carnival, sometimes you simply give in to the experience. Since you’re reading this book, you know this feeling too. You know
the head y exper ience of falling in love. However , your story may not be
going well. Falling in Love with a Nar cissist
I’ve shared my story so that you will know that I know about falling in
love. I also tell you my story because I want you to think about love—
specifically , you falling in love. What has happened in your life? How have
you fallen in love? Has it been wonderful, or has it been filled with bumps
and bruises? This chapter is about our innate, God-given tendencies to fall in love. It
is about the dangers that occur when those innate tendencies meet up with
the dangers of the narcissistic,  emotionally abusive man. You will learn
about yourself, perhaps recognize yourself in some of the storie s, and learn
what you must do in the future. I will help you make sense of it all. Janene contacted me after falling in love. In midlife, after a painful
divorce and a short season of working on herself, she fell head over heels in
love with her Realtor , Brian. Janene shared how she fell for Brian and
married him six weeks later . “I’m ashamed to tell you that I only knew him six weeks before  we got
married. It felt so right. I was a Christian and so was he. I was looking for a
new house, and he was a recently divorced Realtor . He was kind, caring,
compassionate, and a great dancer . After only two weeks he said either we
get marr ied or he was moving on. I couldn’ t believe it. He was dead serious
and I thought, ‘Oh well. Why not?’”
Just six months later Janene moved out. Her head was no longer
dancing in ecstasy but swimming in agony . “I left him because my life was like a bad roller -coaster ride—huge
highs and fright ening lows. He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He’s thenicest guy you would ever want  to meet—or the nastiest guy. I never knew
which one was coming in the door .”
Janene told me she felt instantly relieved after she left Brian. However ,
now four months later, Brian showed up with flowers, remorseful and
“absolutely certain” they should be together , promising things will change. “I miss him,” she shared, “but I’m tired of everything. Am I making a
mistake? I’m so confused. Can it work?”
“What are your reservations?” I asked. “Well,” she said slowly . “All the problems that were there before are
still there. I’m afraid of my ‘magical thinking,’ as you call it, believing
things will be different. He is still jealous of all my friends but hasn’t ended
his female friendships. He can be charming and demanding all at once. And
he is still controlling and has a scary temper . My head is spinning.”
Janene paused and began crying. “I feel so pathetic,” she said. “Look at me. I feel like a 13-year -old, and
I’m 43. What is the matter with me? Why can’t I just walk away from him? He’s not good for me. I’m a Christian, and I think God wants me to be with
him, but does God want me to be crazy? I am so confused.”
Let’s slow down and reflect on this all-too-common story . Feeling
confused and utterly fatigued is common with women connected to
emotionally abusive men. Feeling both exhausted and weary , women often
settle for the status quo as change seems impossibly difficult. It’s often
easier to stay with something we know rather than make a chan ge. It’s hard
work to step back and reflect on our lives, separating the good from the bad. Add feeling alone and the prospect of change seems even harder . Maybe
even impossible. Choosing W isely
Janene was emotionally frozen,  feeling tired and confused, making her
situation even more difficult and leaving her vulnerable to making poor
choices. It is hard to make wise choices when feeling bedraggled and worn. Lundy Bancroft,  in his book Why Does He Do That?
_OceanofPDF.com_When_Loving_Him_is_Hurting_You_-_David_Hawkins.txt
Summarize the following text section accurately and concisely. Maintain specific details and numerical information, and use anti-repetition mechanisms:

        OceanofPDF. comHAR VEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS
EUGENE, OREGON
OceanofPDF. comUnless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy
Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984,
2011 by Biblica, Inc. ® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Verses marked NASB  are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, ©
1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The
Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. ( www. Lockman. or g)
Verses marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation,
copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used
by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. , Carol Stream, Illinois
60188. All rights reserved. Verses marked ASV are taken from  the American Standard Version of the
Bible. Cover Image © Borut T rdina / iStock
Cover design by Bryce W illiamson
Published in association with MacGregor Literary, Inc. This book includes stories in which people’ s names and some details of
their situations have been changed to protect their privacy. WHEN LOVING HIM IS HUR TING YOU
Copyright © 2017 David Hawkins
Published by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www. harvesthousepublishers. com
ISBN 978-0-7369-6981-9 (pbk. ) ISBN 978-0-7369-6982-6 (eBook)Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Hawkins, David, 1951- author. Title: When loving him is hurting you / Dr. David Hawkins. Description: Eugene Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, [2017]
Identifiers: LCCN 2017001807| ISBN 9780736969819 (pbk. ) | ISBN
9780736969826 (eBook)
Subjects: LCSH: Man-woman relationships—Religious aspects—
Christianity. | Narcissism—Religious aspects—Christianity. | Men—
Psychology. | Marriage—Religious aspects—Christianity. |
Interpersonal relations—Religious aspects—Christianity. Classification: LCC BV4597. 53. M36 H39 2017 | DDC 261. 8/327—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn. loc. gov/2017001807
All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any
form or by any means—ele ctronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy,
recording, or any other—with out the prior written permission of the
publisher. The authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable,
nonexclusive, and noncommercial right to access and view this electronic
publication, and purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the
terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in
or encourageme nt of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of author ’s
and publisher ’s rights is strictly prohibited. OceanofPDF. comD E D I C A T I O N
To two beautiful girls who lovingly call me Grampa—Maisie
and Kate. As you enter a world so desperate for change, for equality,
and for safety, I envision two str ong, vibrant visionaries who
can and will speak out and become part of the solution to the
problems described in this book.
David Hawkins
Who wrote the book "When Loving Him Is Hurting You"?
Narcissism is also sin.
What is the central issue with narcissism, according to the author?
The symptoms include: exaggerated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, and beauty, a sense of entitlement, selfishly taking advantage of others, lack of empathy, and arrogant, haughty, or contemptuous behavior or attitudes.
What are some of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders?
The author's intention is to help readers understand narcissism and emotional abuse, and provide guidance on how to navigate these situations.
What is the author's intention in writing this book?
The author warns that power, privilege, and personality can be incredibly dangerous and lead to emotional abuse and harm.
What is the author's warning about the dangers of power, privilege, and personality?