Dearest Baby,
My heart is broken.
Something terrible has happened,
And as a result, you have died.
I loved you so much;
I wanted you so much...
From the minute,
I knew of your existence,
I had special plans for us.
I imagined what you may have looked like,
And all the happy things we might have done.
You were SO special to me...
My heart cries out from the loss of you.
I relive that moment again and again
In my mind's eye,
And I cringe...
Because it was so horrible.
No one knew of your existence....
You were even more special to me,
Because of my secret.
I kept you to myself and it seemed,
As though we were one.
Only I knew of you....
Only I loved you.
Then that awful day came,
When my world was shattered,
And you died.
All at once,
My world came crashing down.
You died and there was not a thing,
I could have done to have stopped it.
Losing my precious baby boy,
Rips through me like a knife.
Now my baby boy is gone...
I'll never hold him...
I'll never sing him quiet lullabies...
My arms will be empty without him.
Baby, you were so special to me.
You grew beneath my heart
And I felt such a closeness to you.
Now all that is gone...
I cry so many tears
Because I lost you.
I ache for all that cannot be.
I often wish there was a way...
To have my baby boy back-
But he is gone - forever lost to me.
I'll say a prayer for you, baby boy,
And ask God to keep you safe.
I'll never hold you,
But I would have loved you.
My heart swells with the love,
I still carry for you.
I must say goodbye, Baby.
Know that a part of me,
Remains with you always,
For I loved you so greatly,
And once you and I were one.
And I will always remember,
That once you were mine,
My Baby Son.
(January 19,1998)