text: help me understand how families deal with cancer -  family has no extended family? ok this is kinda long, but i'm so confused -- my fiance' got diagnosed with stage 3 vocal chord cancer in august (he's 35 and was in air force)-- since then it's like his family has almost turned on me, his dad said some of the meanest thing at the beginning of his treatment , like told me to stay away since i'm not a part of the family, and moved his in with them (which is totally understand since his mother doesn't work and could watch him the whole time) but i don't understand it--- do some families just deal with crisis by shutting everyone else out and isolating the person sick?  my fiance and i have been together and lived to gether over a year - but being told not to come around hurt-- and now that his treatments are over he's different, and his family is still 'weird' if that makes sense... i don't know what to do about--- my fiance tells me to be patient a little longer< that he feels secure in our relationship, but then he stands me up thanksgiving with his family i work in a chemo ward, and i see the things that families do to each other when one of them is diagnosed with cancer; i have seen partners shut out and isolated, i have seen people at each other's throats; everyone wants to be close to the patient; everyone wants to protect him. your fiancee has been through a life changing event. he looks at life differently now. it must be very hard for you to be sidelined like this. how cruel of his family to shut you out at this time; this doesn't bode well for your future married life together. write to his family; say you would like the opportunity to clear the air - that you love him very much, and that you want to be part of his life - the bad bits as well as the good bits. try not to allocate blame; and try not to be self pitying when you speak to them. it sounds like your fiancee made his decision when he moved back in with them; i wonder why he felt he had to do that? for the moment, you may have to take his word that things are ok between you. i would think that things are not ok. you are supposed to be his bride-to-be; you are on the verge of married life together. i wonder about his level of committment to you if he ran home when trouble raised it's head. sorry to be a devil's advocate here, but i would not be happy with that situation at all. treatment does change people; families often close ranks against those whom they consider to be "outsiders". still, i think they are being unesscessarily cruel here. was there some conflict between you and them before his illness?do they not approve of you for some reason? it was a truly horrible and unchristian thing to do, to leave you out of thanksgiving. it should be a time of rejoicing and reconcilation; and why did he not insist on you being invited? having cancer does not mean you turn into a little boy again. i'm very sorry for you, that is awful. you are suffering too, worrying about him and your future. i think you are entitled to some answers from him; a long talk between you both should be arranged. you are a part of his life, he should affirm that in some way, and if he does not, i would seriously wonder whether you should continue to wait for him. best wishes.