text: painful sex? i recently found out i am a sadist, (someone who gets sexual pleasure from another ones pain) even though i have it completely under control, i can't imagine why i have these feelings. i love my boyfriend, but i still have fantasies where he's tied up, and then i ******************************************************************* until he begs me to stop. what causes one to have these feelings of hatred towards a certain gender? i don't want to hate men, but it's just there and i can't help it, which is crazy because i think it's wrong to hate someone for their culture/sexuality/religion/gender. what do i do? why do i want this? what caused it? well, reading over your question (and unable to read a line of it due to it having been censored out with stars), it seems to me that you are mixing up sexual feelings with outside life.  you say 'what causes one to have these feelings of hatred towards a certain gender?'.  you know better than me of how you feel, but is it really a hatred of men that you have?  wanting to sexually torture or humiliate another person doesn't mean anything outside the bedroom!  now, there are people who are sadists throughout their entire lives, and there are those who keep it only sexual.  moreover, even those who are sadists in all aspects of their lives may absolutely respect and love those who are the recipients of their sadism.  the point i'm trying to make, i guess, is that it's doubtful you actually hate men- you say you love your boyfriend- it's something else going on with your sadism.  there's a lot that makes control enjoyable and sexual.  torturing (and i use that as a relative term- a little whipping, etc.) is a demonstration of your ability to have control, to roleplay in that way, possibly to have some control if you feel you don't have any in the other parts of your life.  or it can just get you hot.  there are a lot of connections between sex and pain- both are intense physical and emotional sensations.  both show how much the body can take and how it reacts.  a lot of people dabble in it- from a sexy little pinch, to a slap on the tush during lovemaking.  i'd also remind you that sadism doesn't equal inhumanity.  there are also masochists- people who love to get what sadists dish out.  and you might want to check out some bdsm literature to see if how you feel checks out with traditional definitions- a lot of being a sadist, at least the way it is defined today, is loving and taking wonderful care of your 'slave'- pain is a good part of an overall relationship.  of course, whether you want to let your boyfriend in on this or keep it as a fantasy is up to you, although a lot of men get turned on by a woman who takes control in the bedroom or even of being submissive.  but maybe tone it down a bit the first time.  good luck, and don't worry, you aren't alone!  this is very normal!