text: what is the best way to become a pirate?   aurrrggh! good question matey! first you poke your eye. this event will require the wearing of an eye-patch. next, get your buddy to saw off half your leg. if you are flexible, you can duct tape your leg so that your calf is resting on the back side of your hamstring. now you can plug in the 'ole wooden peg leg. aurrggh! almost there you salty dog. now you be needing a parrot for your shoulder. not to worry, it can be fake or stuffed. by now hopefully you have gathered your crew. if not, enter your local pub and yell, "who here is not afraid of the sea?" get one lad from your crew to whack your hand off. now you can plug in your hook hand (if you don't want to cut your hand off, just tape your sleeve over your hand). now get to the dock with crew in hand. yell "ships ahoy!" and the schooner will come pick you up. good luck and go it the treasure salty dog.