text: any good jokes, preferably ones which are actually funny? i am presenting my school talent show infront of 1000 people roughly, but i have a problem as people always think i am funny but its gonna be alot harder telling jokes and stuff to loads of people, so do u have any good jokes which u dont mind sharing, it would be very much aprreciated. 1   three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. the mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "i’ll have some fuckin’ french toast," he says. the mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. she asks the middle child what he wants. "well, i guess that leaves more fuckin’ french toast for me," he says. she is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "i don’t know," he says meekly, "but i definitely don’t want the fuckin’ french toast."  2   my grandfather always said, "don't watch your money; watch your health." so one day while i was watching my health, someone stole my money. it was my grandfather. (jackie mason)  3   last night i went to a 24-hour grocery. when i got there, the guy was locking the front door. i said, "hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." he goes: "not in a row!" (steven wright)  4   saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "saul, sell your business." he ignores it. it goes on for days. "saul, sell your business for $3 million." after weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. the voice says ‘saul, go to las vegas." he asks why. "saul, take the $3 million to las vegas." he obeys, goes to a casino. voice says, "saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." he hesitates but knows he must. he’s dealt an 18. the dealer has a six showing. "saul, take a card." what? the dealer has -- "take a card!" he tells the dealer to hit him. saul gets an ace. nineteen. he breathes easy. "saul, take another card." what? "take another card!" he asks for another card. it’s another ace. he has twenty. "saul, take another card," the voice commands. i have twenty! saul shouts. "take another card!!" booms the voice. hit me,saul says. he gets another ace. twenty one. the booming voice goes: "un-*******-believable!"  5   a guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. after the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "cold floors," he says. they nod and send him away. seven more years pass. they bring him back in and ask for his two words. he clears his throats and says, "bad food." they nod and send him away. seven more years pass. they bring him in for his two words. "i quit," he says. "that’s not surprising," the elders say. "you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."  6   i was making love to this girl and she started crying. i said, "are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" she said. "no. i hate myself now." (rodney dangerfield)  7   a jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. she pleads, "please god, save my only grandson. i beg of you, bring him back." and a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. she looks up to heaven and says: "he had a hat!" (myron cohen)  8   two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. they both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "here’s that $20 i owe you," he says.  9   i went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." he said, "that means somebody is talking about it." (garry shandling)  10   a car hits a jewish man. the paramedic rushes over and says, "are you comfortable?" the guy says: "i make a good living." (henny youngman)  11   jesus and saint peter are golfing. st. peter st