text: how do you know if the man you are with is controlling?how do you defend yourself?   i know a lot about this issue. i am answering you quick here to get a top spot in your list of answers so you'll see me. then i'll be back in a while with some real advice.http://www.webheights.net/growingbeyondemotionalabuse/evans/cp.htm  here is a website about a book by patricia evans. it's called "controlling people":   an excerpt--does this sound like someone you know?   always needs to be right  tells you who you are and what you think  implies that you're wrong or inadequate when you don't agree  is threatened by people who are "different"  feels attacked when questioned  doesn't seem to really hear or see you  if any of the above traits sounds familiar, help is on the way! in controlling people, bestselling author patricia evans (the verbally abusive relationship) tackles the "controlling personality," and reveals how and why these people try to run other people's lives. she also explains the compulsion that makes them continue this behavior -- even as they alienated others and often lose those they love.  controlling people helps you unravel the senseless behavior that plagues both the controller and the victim. can the pattern, or spell, be broken? yes! says the author.  by understanding the compelling force involved, you can be a catalyst for change and actually become a spell-breaker. once the spell is broken and the controller sees others as they really are, a genuine connection can be forged and healing can occur.  should you ever find yourself in the thrall of someone close to you, controlling people is here to give you the wisdom, power, and comfort you need to be a stronger, happier, and more independent person.  about the author     patricia evans is the founder of the evans interpersonal communications institute in alamo, ca. she conducts workshops across the country, and has made numerous media appearances. her first book, the verbally abusive relationship, was praised by newsweek as "groundbreaking."   " if someone defines you, even in subtle ways, they are pretending to know the unknowable. there is a quality of fantasy to their words and sometimes to their actions. even so, they are usually unaware of the fact that they are playing "let's pretend." they fool themselves and sometimes others into thinking that what they are saying is true or that what they are doing is right.  when people "make up" your reality -- as if they were you -- they are trying to control you, even when they don't realize it.  when people attempt to control you they begin by pretending. when they define you they are acting in a senseless way. they are pretending. when people act as if you do not exist or are not a real person with a reality of your own...they are pretending. in this subtle and often unconscious way, they are attempting to exert control over you -- your space, time, resources, or even your life.  to control is to act to effect an outcome, generally by means of restraint, physical or verbal, with regard to self, others, or the world around one.  there are two kinds of control. one is the nurturing control that we have over ourselves, our lives, and those entrusted to our care. the other is oppressive control.  nurturing control supports one's own and others' freedom to be themselves, while oppressive control does just the opposite. most people exercise nurturing control throughout their lives by the choices they make and the actions they take to ensure their own and others' sustenance and survival: to put off immediate gratification for a future good; to manage their resources -- money, time, space, and environment; to pursue their work and their relationships; and to care for their children and their families. in other words, to direct their lives, but not at the expense of another.  when pretenders connect backwards, anchor in someone, and then attempt to keep their