text: dialogue..."who's on first?" abbot and costello...?   yes it was abbot and cosstello  abbott: well costello, i'm going to new york with you. you know bucky harris, the yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.  costello: look abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.  abbott: i certainly do.  costello: well you know i've never met the guys. so you'll have to tell me their names, and then i'll know who's playing on the team.  abbott: oh, i'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.  costello: you mean funny names?  abbott: strange names, pet names...like dizzy dean...  costello: his brother daffy.  abbott: daffy dean...  costello: and their french cousin.  abbott: french?  costello: goofè.  abbott: goofè dean. well, let's see, we have on the bags, who's on first, what's on second, i don't know is on third...  costello: that's what i want to find out.  abbott: i say who's on first, what's on second, i don't know's on third.  costello: are you the manager?  abbott: yes.  costello: you gonna be the coach too?  abbott: yes.  costello: and you don't know the fellows' names?  abbott: well i should.  costello: well then who's on first?  abbott: yes.  costello: i mean the fellow's name.  abbott: who.  costello: the guy on first.  abbott: who.  costello: the first baseman.  abbott: who.  costello: the guy playing...  abbott: who is on first!  costello: i'm asking you who's on first.  abbott: that's the man's name.  costello: that's who's name?  abbott: yes.  costello: well go ahead and tell me.  abbott: that's it.  costello: that's who?  abbott: yes.  pause  costello: look, you gotta first baseman?  abbott: certainly.  costello: who's playing first?  abbott: that's right.  costello: when you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?  abbott: every dollar of it.  costello: all i'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.  abbott: who.  costello: the guy that gets...  abbott: that's it.  costello: who gets the money...  abbott: he does, every dollar. sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.  costello: whose wife?  abbott: yes.  pause  abbott: what's wrong with that?  costello: look, all i wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?  abbott: who.  costello: the guy.  abbott: who.  costello: how does he sign...  abbott: that's how he signs it.  costello: who?  abbott: yes.  pause  costello: all i'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.  abbott: no. what is on second base.  costello: i'm not asking you who's on second.  abbott: who's on first.  costello: one base at a time!  abbott: well, don't change the players around.  costello: i'm not changing nobody!  abbott: take it easy, buddy.  costello: i'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?  abbott: that's right.  costello: ok.  abbott: all right.  pause  costello: what's the guy's name on first base?  abbott: no. what is on second.  costello: i'm not asking you who's on second.  abbott: who's on first.  costello: i don't know.  abbott: he's on third, we're not talking about him.  costello: now how did i get on third base?  abbott: why you mentioned his name.  costello: if i mentioned the third baseman's name, who did i say is playing third?  abbott: no. who's playing first.  costello: what's on first?  abbott: what's on second.  costello: i don't know.  abbott: he's on third.  costello: there i go, back on third again!  pause  costello: would you just stay on third base and don't go off it. 