text: whats the best christian joke out there?   i don't know how "christian" these are but they are two of my favorite religious jokes.  #1 - on the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. one day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "one for you, one for me. one for you, one for me," said one boy. the bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. as he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. he slowed down to investigate. sure enough, he heard, "one for you, one for me. one for you, one for me." he knew what it was. "oh my," he shuddered, "it's satan and st. peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." he cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what i heard. satan and st. peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." the man said, "shooo, you brat, can't you see i'm finding it hard to walk as it is." but after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. standing by the fence they heard, "one for you, one for me. one for you, one for me . . ." the old man whispered, "boy, you've been telling the truth. let's see if we can see the devil himself." shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. the old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of satan. at last they heard, "one for you, one for me. and one last one for you. that's all. now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." they say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.  #2 a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet. there happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. this man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. he looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "i make enough money now, i don't have to shave myself. i'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." so he did.    he walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. his wife, grace, said "i usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and i'll shave you." so he did. she shaved him and he asked, "how much do i owe you?" "$25," grace replied. the man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. nonetheless, he paid grace and went on his way. the next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. no need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.  the next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. wow! he thought. that's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.  day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after grace had finished. now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.  this particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. the kind old pastor gently retorted, "friend, you were shaved by grace ... and once shaved, always shaved."