text: my husband is extremely selfish. why can't i leave him? i am 34 yo married to a 28 yo who goes out with his 19 yo friends taking drugs until midday the following day,gives other women his number whilst out and then gets angry with me for questioning his motives. he's smoking heaps of dope, won't commit to anything in life because he wants to be hollywood superstar yet won't actively pursue the acting.   i was in hospital last week with a heart scare and found i had a rare condition which is treatable but scary nonetheless. i was released yesterday and i had to catch a cab home because he was at his mates place playing x-box and smoking dope. he called to say he'd come home if i needed him to but he'd rather stay there if i was ok.  today one of my fish died :( i called to tell him. he said he'd take me to the movies tonight to cheer me up. then when he got home from work he said we were going to the movies with a couple of his friends to see borat and got upset when i wanted to see something else.  why am i still here? please help me... -perhaps a part of you belives it can still work. before you were married  did he have this sort of beahavior?   -the question i'm asking myself is, are these recent ambitions, the drugs, gaming and hollywood and lack of sensitivity to elements in your life? or have the problems with drugs and everything occured before you were married? i  -if they did occcur and he was doing drugs or gaming or had a hollywood ambition maybe these were problems that were not resolved before marriage and were swept under the rug, maybe he did do these things just not in 'full force' like they way he's doing now.    -otherwise if these are all new.. what could be stemming this sort of behaviour? drugs are often used for social reasons, for escapism, for fun, many reasons.  -now giving other women his number is a completly disrespectful to you.. unfortunetly with that act alone if brings forth some reasons for his other actions:  .. basically it sounds like he's avoiding you with his friends, drugs(social/ escapism). with your medical problem he was completly avoiding the issue.. he doesn't want to 'get close to you' and deal with the seriousness of the issue. along with going to the movies with his friends.. he new full well you wanted it to be 'you and him' alone..   -with him inviting friends sends a message that 'i don't want to be alone with you'. i want to bring my friends and make it a light hearted event..especially picking out the movie, changing plans by giving the impression " oh movies with my friends you can come too if you want'.  -he may very well know his relationship is on rocky grounds.. from the escapism with his friends and drugs and with the unfufilled hollywood ambition.. he is living in a fantasy world right now, by running and 'not facing life'- by confronting you with what is bothering him and (frankly communicating would be good), and not persuing his hollywood ambition.  i know i analyzed, his behaviour cause i'm trying to understand him and why..  -good news- he may himslef 'know' his actions are less then admirable..he's not dumb to his behaviour and may have his own persoanl reasons for his actions.. what you guys need to do is..  --> you need a third party mediatior(counceling even). judging by his behaviour this may be difficult to sit that boy down.. though.  -the reason why i suggest 3rd party is because with previous attempts i've read, he doesn't listen to you and doesn't respect you.'the third party needs to open that boy up-and get him to explain whats going on, in a non critical non bias way.  -do your own resarch book an appointment with a local 'pastor' which is usually cheaper..( i know myslef i'm happlily married and i have have had premarriage counceling.. from the pastor who married us.. i know that if i ever need a mediator he's a call away). book the appointement with a councelor..   -i've tried in a previous relationship to get my guy in to see a coucelor. he will run and hide and find every good excuse in the book.. speak with the councelor as to how to get him in.. frankly i wasn't sucessful with my previous relationship.. but in the end do you really want to be with someone who doesn't care about your relationship to begin with.. try what you can do.. but he may have already severed the ties already..be strong and prepare yourself for whatever outcome.  -frankly i despise divorce.. but if he has already cheated on you..(giving out numbers what acts might have already happend i'm sorry to say).. then forgiive and forget and move on..you need to be in a healthy relationship. unless he turns around and make a 'u turn' in the way he acts.