Chapter 18 - shutting him up (Ladd x Graham)

There's some breathplay in this one.

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Ladd just wants him to shut up. It might be easier then, he reasons, easier to go through with it, easier to forget the implications and easier to not question what the hell he’s doing, what the fuck he’s thinking , doing something like this to begin with. He just wants him to shut up, and he tells him as much, and Graham agrees to do so, using far more words than necessary, and Ladd is reminded that this is not going to be that simple.

Graham is trying , at least, and he’s always so goddamn willing to try for Ladd’s sake, willing to do just about anything he’s asked, and always willing to try. Still, his effort isn’t doing much and he makes too much noise even when he’s cutting himself off before he can speak, and his whimpers do not help matters, not in the slightest. The sounds are having an effect that would be pleasant if it weren’t so confusing, and he can’t forget what he’s doing when he can hear things like that.

They’ve barely even begun, and he barely knows what he’s doing; Graham, surprisingly, is less clueless, and gave him a few vague directions before he was forced into “silence”, and Ladd has been fingering him for a few minutes now. Nothing about this feels natural for him, and yet he has no sincere desire to stop.

It’s too gentle for him, is the main problem. His hands aren’t meant for gentle work like this, aren’t meant to handle things delicately, and he feels awkward and oversized and out of place. Even if he weren’t doing this with another man- with Graham - he would still feel off, but those factors do nothing to make the situation feel any more natural.

But Graham is loving every second of it, as evidenced by the whimpers and cries that he is unable to silence, and Ladd works his way up to two fingers, hooking them in a way that earns him a sharp moan. He winces at the sound, hating how much he loves it in spite of not wanting to love any of this. More than anything, he just wants Graham to be quiet and he knows the boy is trying, but it just isn’t enough.

It’s only going to get worse when he really starts fucking him, he knows, and he’s going to have to do something on his own in order to fix things. Of that, Ladd is sure, and as he scissors his fingers within the young man, he thinks. He thinks until he happens upon the perfect solution, and once he pulls his fingers out- a bit too roughly, perhaps, but he’s in a hurry- and positions himself, gripping the boy’s hips, he has high hopes.

Ladd shoves a hand into Graham’s mouth just before he jerks his hips forward.

Or, at least, he shoves the tips of four of his fingers into Graham’s mouth, and tries not to push too far or too hard, not wanting to cause him to start gagging over this. In this way, he muffles Graham’s sharp cry completely, though he does bite down a little bit in his surprise when Ladd starts fucking him.

It’s a hasty solution, but it does the trick, and Ladd closes his eyes, losing himself in the moment and in the pleasure, giving shallow thrusts and taking this slowly, so as to savor it. With his eyes closed like this, with Graham muffled like this, he could imagine it being anyone, and he can finally clear his mind and stop overthinking all this bullshit. It feels kind of good, anyway, having his fingers jammed in his mouth.

There’s nothing gentle about it, at least, and there’s a power to it, and even the little bites he’s met with when Graham’s self-control slips are kind of nice. All of this is nice, and just what he needed, and goddamn did Ladd ever need this. Otherwise, he’s sure he wouldn’t have given into temptation like this, wouldn’t have propositioned the boy he knows would do anything for him. He knows he’s taking advantage of him, but he’s just been so frustrated lately, and he’s really, really needed it.

Ladd’s been frustrated for a variety of reasons, and has had no way to work these frustrations out. There’s been no work for him, and no way to get away with killing off-job, and starting brawls where he leaves the men living only make it worse, instead of better, so he ended up turning to this entirely different outlet. It works well enough, but when his mind starts to wander, when he remembers his real temptation, the hand in Graham’s mouth twitches.

What he wouldn’t give to kill him right now, just a little bit…

Except it wouldn’t be right, he knows, because the kid would accept it too damn much, and the kid knows better and fears him the right amount, and it wouldn’t be satisfying in the end, not at all. Nothing is going to be satisfying, and yet he keeps teasing himself, moving closer and closer to an edge that he is never going to be able to cross.

Prying his fingers from Graham’s mouth, he mutters, “You still gotta shut up…” before dropping his hand down to the boy’s throat. Loosely wrapping his fingers around it, he hesitates, as if waiting for permission, before remembering that he’s not going to get a verbal response. And so, he starts to squeeze, closing his fingers around Graham’s throat slowly, until he knows that he must have cut of his breathing.

He has more than enough experience in this department to know the limits of the average person and to know what it takes to push someone over the edge or to hold them there. Today, he is only going to hold him there, and he trusts himself to have enough self-control. After all, it would be no fun to go all the way like this.

But it’s fun to test his limits and it’s fun to dangle death in front of him like this, and he can’t see Graham’s face but he can imagine it shifting, maybe even turning blue- and he doesn’t know when he stopped pretending that it wasn’t Graham beneath him- and goddamn, is this getting him there. He’s going to come first at this rate, and he doesn’t even care, except for the fact that it feels a little impolite.

Ladd may not be a gentleman, but he has some decency, and he struggles for a moment, not wanting to let go- but he does, because, regardless of how he wants to do this, Graham isn’t going to last forever without oxygen, and he relaxes his grip, allowing the boy to gasp and hurry to take in the air he’s been denied. His hand drops, and he hastily grabs the boy’s cock and he hastily starts to work his hand up and down.

Needless to say, Graham goes to pieces in no time at all like this, and he cries and he moans and he’s incoherent, and Ladd doesn’t even care . He hasn’t cared for a while, and he doesn’t need to worry about forgetting to think about what any of this means because he’s past the point of his thinking. His own voice comes out broken, but he moans low and deep against Graham’s ear when he comes, finally able to relax, at least for the moment.

At least for the moment, he can forget his frustrations, and, for the moment, there is a peaceful silence. He isn’t sure how long that’s going to last. 
