Chapter 0 - I Was Transformed Into A Toilet?!

Today was a shitty day. So far, I had gotten a speeding ticket by an overactive cop, still been late to work, and now as I was trying to get a fucking coffee some homeless chick had cut in line. Seriously, what the hell? 

“Oi. Get out of the way. I was here first ya cunt.” 

She turned back to me and I had to revise from “a homeless chick” to “a very homeless chick”. She looked like she hadn’t seen the, anything, in a while. Jesus. It was like looking at someone that had rolled around in a forest and a city somehow at the same time. Her eyes were fucking wild like she was on drugs, her clothes seemed to be scraps others had given her and they were scraps, and her hair was so messy that I think it needed to be cut and maybe flamethrowered instead of trying to untangle that mess, and she still somehow managed to look like she was the dirtiest thing in the world. Nothing but grime, black shit which I assumed was some combination of soot, ashes, and regular ole dirt, and something brown which I was going to be nice and say was just different dirt. Forget a homeless shelter, this lady needed a fucking institution and wherever you shove drug addicts that are too far gone. 

There was a brief, tiny war, where a part of me said not to mess with the clearly too far gone woman but it quickly lost out to my rage at today and her for getting in my way. 

“Yeah, get out of line, you cut in front of me.” 

“Ooblack pica nako arina” 

“What?”

“Nicada lucasha mukiono booka” 

“Look lady, I only know english. I’ll make it clear.” 

I pointed at her, made the walking gesture with two fingers, and pointed to the back of the line. I knew it was probably hopeless but I really wanted her to get out of my way so I could get my damn coffee already. There were still a few people ahead of us but I shouldn’t have to wait for her after she got in front of me. Another shit part of the day and she was still speaking fucking nonsense at me, that I was pretty sure wasn’t any language anyone actually knew. 

“Baka Beesa Vilo Bakine.” 

Suddenly, the woman reached out and touched my chest with her hand, palm facing me. I quickly knocked her hand aside. 

“Whoa lady, don’t you touch me. Get your hands away from me.” 

Even as I was saying that though, I felt, I felt not good. Not good at all. I looked down and thought I saw black for a second. I blinked and it was gone. It looked like a black handprint but my mind was probably just playing tricks but there was no denying I was starting to feel like absolute garbage, like I was sick to my stomach. I quickly snapped my head back up to look at the woman and she was smugly smiling at me. 

That fucking bitch! She had probably stabbed or drugged me somehow when she touched me, I don’t fucking know. Stuck a needle somewhere when I wasn’t looking and couldn’t feel. I was about to tackle her to the ground and beat the shit out of her but, I was rapidly feeling worse and worse. I needed a god damn, I needed a god damn toilet right now, I was going to puke my guts out. 

I ran, not walked, to the nearest fucking bathroom, cursing the woman inside my head. What I probably fucking needed was an ambulance, not a bucket but god damn, I couldn’t think of any of that right now. My only thoughts were “oh my god, I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be so fucking sick.” I slammed into the nearest stall, luckily having no one in it, and grabbed the toilet and tried to hurl. And, well, I tried but nothing happened. I was starting to get a bit worried when I saw a black fucking mark leave my god damn where it was touching the toilet. I blinked, not quite believing my eyes, as I saw it travel up the toilet and then spread all around it. I looked down, at the now black-ish fuzzy toilet, before the wave of smoke like…. Energy? Seemed to dissipate. Which was great except now instead of feeling sick, I felt crazy. And not just because I saw what was probably god damn fucking magic. No, my whole brain was feeling, really, really weird. Like I was on a bender. 

My vision started to go dizzy and now I was gripping the probably evil toilet with both hands, just to remain kneeling and not on the floor. My fingers were starting to feel weird, my head was starting to feel weirder, everything was starting to mix into a weird mass and weird weird weird weird weird weird. The word lost meaning as my thoughts broke down and my head started to feel like it was spinning like a top and- 

I felt like I passed out. I didn’t, maybe it felt more like I had blinked and everything had changed and was different. It was so, such a sharp contrast that it was like being woken up by a bucket of freezing cold water or walking in on an actual god damn dinosaur in your kitchen or something. Just, in shock. 

My brain slowly started to piece together some really, really important facts. First of all, that crazy woman had done something to me. Some magic something. I always knew it was fucking real. Government was just hiding that shit all along, probably along with aliens and other shit. Can’t trust no one but can’t hide from thousands of years of people saying “X is a thing.” Of course magic is real. Fuck, so are vampires probably. Damn pricks are out there living forever and I’m stuck getting pulled over. Ain’t that just the shit. 

The next thing my brain pulled was that I didn’t feel like some weird alien mixing melting mass anymore of thoughts and stuff. So that was great. I didn’t even feel sick anymore. Whatever had happened to me was probably over now. 

That thought immediately led me to think about what the fuck had actually happened to me and the answer was growing clearer as my mind struggled through its own self. Cuz I wasn’t on the floor anymore and I felt like my height had taken a hit. At first I thought I had shrunk down to a dwarf size but, horrifyingly, I realized I couldn’t move a single bit. 

I was stuck, entirely unable to move. I tried to feel out the rest of my body to only feel, not exactly weird but, god damn. What the hell is this? My body felt alien and yet not at all alien. My mouth was in front of me, but it was so wide. And kinda full of water that I could also taste like it was my mouth? The edges were as if I was staring up at the sky with it open or had my jaw jutting out in front of me. My lips felt like they, parted? Like they went to the sides with a gap at the front? And I felt like my back was leaned up against a wall but was also most of my body along with my mouth? That should have all been, a horrific nightmare straight out of someone’s worst brain but it all felt, maybe not right, but like I had been this thing forever and ever. Creepy. It was all creepy as fuck. That magic had really done a number on me. I was in the bathroom and- 

If I had heart, it would have stopped. If I was in a fucking cartoon a black lightbulb would have spawned above my head and shattered in fucking horror. If I could scream, which I just found out I couldn’t, I would have. The two brain cells I have had rubbed together and I knew exactly what had happened. I wasn’t an idiot. Lower height, mouth full of water, back to wall, looking at the stall door from where the toilet was? I knew what the fuck had happened. 

I had been turned into a fucking toilet. 

My brain, oh god, my brain was trying to do a real bender on me without magic at that thought. No fucking way, no fucking way I was now somewhere where people shat. No god damn, hell of a way. And there was no way I was going to stay like this. Fuck that. No way was I letting that magic bitch live after this. 

I pulled with all of me and nothing happened. I tried to twist, nope. Pulling, pushing, twisting, flipping off, jumping, not a single ounce of that effort actually made me in any better of a position. Come on Kevin, think man, think. How the hell are we going to get out of this one before someone uses you like a toilet and you start to wish you could die? Not good, not great at all. I was gonna kill that rotten fucking cunt of a- 

The door opened. Well, I heard the bathroom door open, not the stall door. I heard a voice. A… female voice? 

“Damn it, why is it always in public restrooms? So gross.” 

Right. I hadn’t been paying any attention when I ran for the bathroom trying to puke. I must’ve barged into the female restroom by accident. Well, that was, uh, better? 

“God I shouldn’t have had that taco bell. My stomach is gonna explode.” 

Maybe not. I started to fiercely struggle or well, fucking tried to. Nothing was working, nothing was working and she was coming closer, I could hear her footsteps, they were getting closer, oh fucking god hell no no no no no- 

A stall door opened. 

But it wasn’t mine. 

The woman walked into the stall next to me and I was so relieved I felt like I was gonna pass out. Holy sh- Holy, damn. Just, damn it. That was, that was way too close. Oh god. I can taste the water in my mouth so, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here. 

The sounds coming from the stall next to me made that desire only ramp up in intensity. Imagining being that toilet, imagining if I had gone into that stall instead… it made me feel cold and very very sick. A feeling of pure dread and fear coursed through me, up and down my new body. I can’t let that be me. 

But trying to move hadn’t worked out at all. No, no this wasn’t working. This stupid magic had made me mute and immobile, but I still had every other sense. Bitch. That had to be on purpose. There was no reason for me to see, I had no fucking eyes, and sure, that I could was great. But there was no reason I needed to be able to taste either or you know, to be a fucking toilet. And that bitch had to have known. That smug smile, that sick feeling which made me want to throw up. She knew I was gonna run to the bathroom. Hell, I had touched the door on the way in. And I hadn’t become a fucking door or a stall door, no, I was a toilet. This was fucking targeted. 

I was racking my brain, trying to remember those magic words. Maybe if I said them in reverse it would undo this whole thing. Magic was probably really weird like that. I could only remember the last four, I hadn’t exactly been paying enough fucking attention, and was fiercely struggling to remember more, when the bathroom door opened again. I thought it was the woman next to me leaving, since she had gone real quiet, but then I heard feet walking towards me. Oh no. No no no no! NO! I was almost there. I just needed more time! 

My bathroom stall door opened and my heart froze in my chest. Oh please merciful god, don’t let this be happening. My mind reached and reached, trying to figure out what to do, but the woman had no reason to stop. She walked towards me after closing the door, turned around, and dropped her pants. I had a full view of her ass for a second and it was probably the only time I had ever looked at a woman’s ass and felt disgust and horror. She sat on me and I felt her ass cheeks on my lips. As I was imitating a hungry bird or was looking up at the sky waiting for rain. That thought disgusted me. I could feel her asscheeks and weight pressing down on my lips, with my mouth feeling like it was wide open. My eyes could only see the back of her shirt, my tastebuds were fearing for their life, I couldn’t smell anything but my ears… my ears caught the damning sounds first. 

A continual ‘splosh’. 

My mind was frozen stiff, waiting for the worst, and the second worst showed up. 

She was pissing my open mouth. 

I could taste it, her piss falling into me. I was, god, I was actually fucking thankful. Piss didn’t taste fucking good and I wasn’t some pervert into that weird shit. Hell, it was warm, bitter, salty, acidic, and overall really fucking gross. Like the world’s worst, I don’t know, cider maybe? It was bad, but it surprised the fuck out of me that I had definitely tasted worse. Hell, my beer tasted worse than this. That was… holy shit. I need to drink better stuff. I’ll never drink beer again after this god damn nightmare. 

The worst part was it just kept fucking going. She was like a faucet or something. I had no idea how much a woman could piss until now. I could see why some weirdos were into this. Taste was, well, somehow not the worst thing to ever exist and having a woman sitting on your face like this did make me feel some kinda way. It’s too bad I found it fucking disgusting. 

Eventually, she finished and got off of me, pulling up her pants and just, walking out. I felt an incredibly weird sensation as she did. I was one of those no handle toilets and that hadn’t registered to me, till she was leaving. I felt a draining, sucking? Sensation in my mouth and nearly gagged as I felt all of the warm piss I had been forced to taste forced down my throat. Like someone had told me to shotgun a keg of beer. What felt like a gallon of piss choked me until it was all down my throat and then somehow slammed into my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick again, until my stomach settled. Ugh. Well, that was fucking horrible. Still, it was horrible in a way that made me never ever want to do it again, not kill myself. And that might not be the case the next time some woman sits on my mouth and unloads into me. I have to get out of here. 

I tried everything. I even remembered and memorized every single word of that stupid spell the woman had used and tried to say it. Then I tried to say it backwards, forwards, left to right, upside down, anything and everything, in every way imaginable. Nothing worked at all. It was probably because I couldn’t fucking speak. Spells probably had to be spoken or something right? Well, that’s hard to do as a damn mute. Maybe there’s another way but I was willing to bet any way I thought of would probably not work while a toilet. I was rapidly trying to think of something when I heard the bathroom door open again and the earlier terror, horror, dread, sick feeling, urge to scream and cry and shout “I’m not a fucking toilet! Please don’t go #2 in me!” all returned. With a vengeance. How many times could I get lucky? How many times would women go into other stalls before my luck ran out? 

This time, I got lucky, as the woman didn’t enter mine. There was, what, four stalls in here? Maybe five? One lady seemed to have passed out in there or was at least taking a long ass time and now another was filled with someone else. 

It wasn’t long before I got my answer. A woman entered the bathroom and my stall door opened. She was in a rush and in a blink of an eye she was sitting on me and pissing in my mouth. Which, to my slowly growing hatred, I was relieved about. That Witch was going to die. 

The piss this time was, my world view was upending a little and I hated it. It just tasted like slightly bitter, salty water. It was still pee, and thus really gross, but the fact that I had worse stuff regularly made me feel like I had been living my life as disgustingly as possible. I’d never drink the same way again. And that sucked. I fucking loved beer. Just another reason to kill that Witch. 

I waited, and waited, for the woman to stop but she just, didn’t. It was actually starting to really worry me. Was this normal? What the hell was going on? Eventually I heard her slightly murmur under her breath, 

“Shouldn’t have drank so much water.” 

I was shocked. I had no idea how much was being put inside me but a normal man I felt like they would have drowned by now. Eventually, all horrible nightmares must come to an end, and she got off and I mentally prepared myself. The ‘taste’ this time wasn’t what was going to kill me. No, it was the quantity. I felt myself be flushed and my throat nearly clam up. Could you clog a toilet with pee alone?! But finally, it all sunk down and then hit my stomach like a thunderclap, mixing with what had been put in me earlier. Ugh. That doesn’t get easier. Fucking, gonna kill that cunt. My hatred was only growing. The actual events sucked but it was the feeling of being fucking helpless and afraid and terrorized by someone even coming near that was the worst part. No, that was the worst part for now. I hadn’t fuckin forgotten about taco bell lady. That coulda been me and might still end up being me. And if that happens, I’ll probably want to put a bullet in my head. Or at least puke my guts out, and be unable to, for days. And that’s if it happens once. It could happen again and again and again. I’m not a urinal. 

I had nothing left to try. Those magic words were my only hope and I kept trying to mess with them, branding them into my memory, trying to do something new with them. 

Sadly, it seems like I wouldn’t get a break, like it was a busy day, as it had only been a few minutes, if that, and already my stall door opened again. 

I nearly gave up at that point, but I did try a new tactic. Praying to god. 

.

.

.

Horror and fear and dread get old. Surprising. It took lady #12 before I realized my prayers to god must actually be working or that most people getting coffee at a coffee shop probably have to go #1 much much more frequently than #2. Thank god I wasn’t a toilet in a mexican restaurant. 

Still, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. I can now probably call myself an expert on female piss, at least when it comes to taste. And my conclusion? It is all awful, all sucks, most of it ranges from “surprisingly like bad water” to “holy shit, this is like most sour, bitter, disgusting flavor in the world. I’d rather eat an ash tray.” So that was…. A nightmare. Somehow, the ones who had piss that tasted sweet were worse because admitting that some piss could taste okay was like a stab into my heart. Like admitting a cockroach can sometimes taste good or that chicken wings were disgusting. Just, awful statements. 

And none of that, compared to the fucking quantity. Having, god, 13? 14? Woman’s piss inside your stomach is way, way too much. I felt beyond full. No one, ever, should feel full because of drinking pee. Bloated even. Yet somehow, I had this terrible feeling that beyond probably feeling like I was going to pop, there were no limits to how much I could have shoved inside me. It was becoming my new #1 worry really fast. 

It had gotten late and the tide of people had slowed down. Even taco bell lady had left a while ago. Now it was just me and I was starting to become very, very afraid. What if, what if this was my new life? Forever used as a toilet? Mostly pissed but eventually shat in? Forced to drink and taste it, for all eternity, until I somehow died? I had been annoyed at the idea of vampires living forever but I was realizing that it may be more of course than a blessing in a world of magic. Even just a normal lifespan would be way too much. I’d go insane, literally. Lose my entire mind. Just a few hours of this has already been more than I feel I could’ve handled. If this continues tomorrow, I could have, what, 50+ people use me over the course of a day? Not being able to move alone was already starting to become a bigger deal. This, this was really bad. 

I was spiraling at the idea of an eternity of, this, when someone walked in. I couldn’t believe who it was. 

It was the damn cunt ass Witch from earlier. The one that had done this to me. 

She smiled at me. She fucking knew. This bitch god damn knew. She knew exactly who I was. She started talking and this time, I could understand her, even if her voice sounded like a bunch of dry leaves scratching against a dead tree. 

“Remembered. You.” 

Yeah? Go fuck yourself! And then the realization hit me. Remembered. This, this bastard had forgotten about me. She, she really was going to leave me like this forever. How many others had she done this to? Just me? No fucking way, not in this city. I can’t be the first to slightly annoy her. How many others have been cursed forever like I have? 

“Fitting. Form. Useful.”

Then she did something that filled me with hate. She pulled off the scrap of clothing that was her pants, practically ripping it off, and moved towards me. No. No way. I felt anger spike into my blood. Her next words almost sent me into a blind fury. 

“Water. Lucky. For. Now.” 

I felt her ass down on top of me and I wanted to gag. She was smearing who knows on top of me just from sitting. I’m not saying all the other woman’s asses hadn’t been a bit sweaty or something but she was straight up dirty. The absolute fury I was feeling wasn’t helping anything either. Lucky? For now? I was going to kill her. 

I felt something in my mouth and- 

‘Ugh! What the fuck?! I’m gonna puke!’ 

I tried, I immediatly tried to gag and puke. What came out of her was piss only in name. It was the most rancid, disgusting thing I had ever tasted. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was pitch black. It tasted like poison, motor oil, dirt, bitter beyond anything man could create, smoke somehow, and sour like acid from the back of the throat. It just kept pouring in, like hell’s worst creation. Demon liquid. You could probably kill someone with this. Of course her piss was poison. I even felt pain in my toilet form from drinking it. The pain wasn’t normal, it felt, magical in nature. Which was a weird sense I didn’t even know I had but that’s the only way I could think to describe it. Like something was trying to corrupt and melt my metaphysical being. It kept going and I was starting to get worried for my life. My tongue was already a lost cause and I was stuck in a horrible, horrible loop of trying to throw up and being completely unable to. I couldn’t think, nothing but pure nastiness was in my brain anymore. Eventually, it stopped and she stood up. I was still reeling, suffering, forced to hold it in my mouth, to constantly taste it. I don’t know how long it was, as I felt like a dog trying to scrape its tongue out, before I felt my entire being start having that sucking sensation I had become familiar with. I panicked and tried to stop it, tried to resist, because please god no. 

But it was useless and hopeless. I felt it be shoved down my throat, burning along the way, past my continuous attempts to hurl, and then it hit my stomach like a toxic waste bomb. I was sick. That was not just how I was feeling mentally or physically, I instantly felt like I was actually sick, like I had been sick for a week straight. Like I had a fever, was tired, drained of all energy, felt like utter garbage, and wanted to sleep. That came along with my now new feeling of disgust at a height I hadn’t known I could reach. This was foul and it was inside me. I felt, no, I was tainted. My stomach was now trying to remove its contents without me mentally desiring it, as a physiological reaction. I had a feeling that for normal people, it was literally impossible to swallow this Witch’s piss without throwing up or possibly dying. The feeling of severe weakness and actual sickness waned eventually but it was, a, I didn’t have a word for drinking poisoned magic piss. Fuck you? 

Oh yeah. That’ll do it. Because now rage was returning. 

I looked up, knowing what I would find. The Witch hadn’t left. Had just waited there, for who knows how long, just watching me suffer. I knew she couldn’t hear me because I hadn’t stopped yelling curses at her for one second and I was currently shouting at her at the top of my lungs. 

She did, however, seem to feel my attention. 

“Lucky. Water. Solid. Next.” 

My heart ran utterly cold and still. If she actually… I would probably die. No, a normal person would die. I might actually survive that. I was really, really unhappy that I was unable to throw up from disgust, actual biology, and fear. Because I needed it for all three right now. She moved towards me and I tried to figure out how to kill myself. When she reached me, dirty half naked body still out, she started saying familiar words. 

But in reverse. I fucking knew it. 

She touched me with her hand, palm facing outwards, and I was human again. I was surprised. After all of that, to just be human again. There wasn’t a lot of room now, it wasn’t exactly a mansion in here. I was standing over the toilet and she was less than a foot in front of me. I looked down, the weight of what was happening coursing through me. I started shaking and mumbled under my breath. 

“Go. My. Home. Useful. There.”

I kept mumbling. My heart rate was speeding up. 

“Use. For. Water. Solid.’” 

Almost there. 

“Come. Or. Die.” 

That last word was said and a literal chill ran through the bathroom and death itself felt like it was scraping at my soul. Still, I kept mumbling, keeping my voice low. She tilted her head at me. 

“Speak. Up.” 

I roared out the last four words, the words I had carefully memorized and played with for hours. The words I had hoped be my salvation. And now was the time. 

“BAKA BEESA VILO BAKINE!” 

I didn’t know if it would work but I slammed my palm into her anyway. It was my only hope, I couldn’t fight a Witch and when. No, she would have expected that, the fucking cunt. 

To my actual shock, it worked and I immediately felt why. That utter poison she had pissed into me seemed to vanish and the magic from it roil up around my arm and out through my hand. She had put her own magic into me by accident and now it was coming back to bite her in the ass, the bitch. 

My hand landed and her eyes widened in utter surprise before her eyes seemed to gleam like a wolve’s and I realized she was a killer. Those were the eyes of someone who had killed and slaughtered before. She moved to do something horrible, hands straight like knives this time and both heading for my neck, when she stumbled. Probably due to the curse I had miraculously cast. I didn’t waste the smallest chance and grabbed her head and slammed her into the toilet behind me. 

It didn’t seem to do a damn thing at first, besides moving her. Her head bounced off the toilet seat but she seemed like she hadn’t even been touched. She actually fucking growled and I could feel the magic like hot coals being pressed against me. Her mere rage was nearly enough to burn me. Good god. I thought I was dead going to die but then she tried to move. 

And her hands were stuck. 

She looked back at me and her eyes were widened with fear, but it lasted less than a microsecond before she began speaking rapidly. My foot was already in the air, heading for her face. It wasn’t some genius play where I knew she was going to try to curse me or counter curse or something like that. No, I was just filled with pent up rage from being a fucking toilet and used that I wanted to kick her head in. My full force kick slammed into her lower jaw and it didn’t seem to do a damn thing. She didn’t have any visible or even non-visible damage. The only thing it did, was shut her up. 

But that was enough. 

I got to watch as she seemed to turn ethereal and melt, while the toilet lit up with black fuzzy energy, before she was gone and there was only a normal toilet. I waited for a half second, not believing my luck, not believing any of my luck of today. Just waiting for the next shoe to drop, for her to undo the curse a complete bone head had done by pure luck, to rise up from the toilet and grab me and drag me to hell. None of that happened. 

It was late, it was dark, the coffee shop was mostly empty, and the Witch was a toilet. Gone. 

And I was free. I stood there, in shock. I had survived, I had made it, I had gotten through my ordeal. It seemed like everything had changed in only a short period of time. I knew, I could have suffered far worse. Forever. A million times worse than I had. And yet, that wasn’t my fate. No. It was her’s. 

I was, I was mixed. Could someone be evil enough to damn them to an eternity of this? Probably. She was going to make me into her personal toilet somewhere and if she went #2 inside me… oh god. Part of me wanted to just kill her and be done with it… but… what if breaking the toilet free’s her? Her wrath would probably make hell feel like a holiday. So, so this was it. I couldn’t do anything else. And it serves her right. 

I stumbled out of the stall and nearly ran into someone. 

“Wh- Hey! This is a woman’s bathroom you know? Whatever! Get out of the way!” 

I did, only belatedly realizing I had heard that voice before. It was the taco bell woman from hours ago. 

She cursed, loud enough for me to hear, 

“Stupid mexican food!” 

And then some, truly appalling sounds came out of the stall. If the Witch hadn’t “freed” me, that’d be me in there right now. I grimaced. Well, what comes around goes around, you Witch bitch. 

I left, knowing exactly what to do. 

I was gonna puke, use some mouthwash, brush my teeth, and take showers, repeatedly till I felt clean again. 

Then, I was going to start trying to learn this magic shit so that never happened again. 

First though…. I really had to pee. 






