Chapter 0 - Peach Bomber

               Princess Peach fanned herself as she sat in her cage - a stolid steel contraption that looked more in place holding a bird than royalty,  and hanging two stories over a pit of lava. Despite the imperious heat of the molten stuff beneath her; the princess was feeling steamed for an entirely different reason - Bowser had made an attempt on her yet again. She’d just gotten done playing captive to another enemy to the Mushroom Kingdom - and that overgrown lizard scoops her up and spirits her away to another fortress in the middle of nowhere. She’d been so looking forward to enjoying some royal downtime - a spot of tea, maybe a nice cake, and some good old fashioned her time; perhaps even a few games of tennis with Daisy? 
 
               But no - she had to sweat it out in another cage, in another castle. Again.
 
               Usually, she couldn’t help but play the damsel - but; incensed as she was, Peach felt bold enough to try and manage her own escape this time. She needed to get out of here - if it was the last thing she did. She moves over the cage’s door and begins to fiddle with the oversized lock - in needing such a massive key to unlock it, its mechanisms were rather easy for her to fiddle with. A little tweaking here, a bit of pressure there, and- it’s open!
 
               It’s open too soon, Peach realizes; with the cage’s door swinging open with her still leaning on it; leaving the princess gasping as she swung out over the open lava pit. Clenching her teeth, she swings back onto the solid ground of the cage - then begins to rock it, back and forth, until she’s got enough momentum to leap over to the solid ground - a few dozen feet away from the suspended cage. When she finally jumps, she places her hands on her skirt - spreading it open a little, as the steamy updraft from the lava down below catches in the billowing garment, allowing her to daintily glide back onto solid ground. 
 
               Her heels click on the drab grey brick as she lands; her hands quickly falling on her hips, and a smile gracing her plump pink lips. “Hmph!” she huffs proudly, puffing out her chest and looking back at the cage; empty and lazily rocking on its chain. “I think Bowser’s losing his touch!” Even as good as it felt to be out of there - and, as she looked to the doorway, bound for cooler surroundings - she realized she wasn’t out just yet. 
 
               Peach peeked around the doorway - looking for guards on patrol, but found none. Her smile persists as she tip-toes out of her holding room, and makes her way down the halls. As most of Bowser’s fortresses were; it was stuffy, dry, and hot - on account of the countless lava moats and rotating flame bars the Koopa King mandated in its construction. Goombas waddled around almost aimlessly; looking like they were jonesing for a fight - and Koopas with spears made regular patrols - which the princess was keen to stay away from. 
 
               To her chagrin, they covered the exits fairly well - whether to keep her from escaping or keep a certain moustachioed plumber from getting in, she didn’t know. She kept trying to cut through side paths - but they didn’t bring her any closer to escape. Taking a few turns too many - she found herself at a dead end; but, within it, she found a silver lining. 
 
               “Ah!” Peach chimes - hanging just above her head was a row of ! blocks; their yellow light adding a vibrant luminescence to the otherwise dim corner of the fortress. There were three in total - which the  princess sauntered up to and gingerly rapped the undersides of. The first yielded her a run-of-the-mill Super Mushroom; which she pockets- or, rather… Discreetly stores. It’d be a good pick-me-up if she ran afoul of any guards. The second offered her another, but… She didn’t have much of a use for it, so she let it sit on the slightly-ashy floor. 
 
               The last offered her, perhaps, the most invaluable tool to an escape attempt - a Double Cherry. Peach didn’t expect to see one lying around in a place like this - she wasn’t sure if it was left over from when Bowser invaded the world of the Sprixies or if he nabbed it from somewhere else… But; she wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been working overtime on the pillaging front. An item like that had a lot of applications - having a distraction, a scout, a partner work on something while she worked on another… Peach beamed - maybe she’d get out of this place yet! For now, she kept a hold of the items - hoping she wouldn’t have to use them too soon…
 
               But, as she continued her search for an exit, she was almost hoping for an opportunity to use them. She took her time observing the patrols that were coming and going by the exits - but she couldn’t find any gaps in them- that was, until a Hammer Bro ran in from one of the hallways, charging up to a group of spear-wielding Koopas near a doorway. Peach couldn’t hear their exchange - but she recognized the direction he’d come from: that’s where her holding room was. Had they noticed she’d escaped? Peach could only assume the worst as the Koopas followed the Hammer Bro back to where he’d come from - but, in so doing, they left an exit exposed. 
 
               “This is my chance!” she excitedly whispers, daintily grasping the skirt of her dress and running as quickly as she could toward the open door - as she neared it, she could feel a cool breeze rushing toward her - brushing back her golden locks as she charged through…
 
               And found herself outside for the first time in hours. Disappointingly, however - she wasn’t home free. She’d exited onto one of the fortress’ walls - a battlement overlooking a rocky and arid expanse of mountains. 
Bill Blasters sat trained between sections of the walls - skulls emblazoned on their sides; and their chambers… Presently empty. Being two-sided, Peach could clearly see through them - looking down to a winding path leading into the other mountains… And feeling a little intimidated at the endeavor she had ahead of her. If she made her way down there, she’d have to leg it all the way through the mountains… And if they saw her, she’d be chased down by a hoard of Bullet Bills. 
 
Looking upward, she saw an airship - proudly bearing a metallic rendition of Bowser’s face on its bow - docked on a higher floor of the fortress. Maybe she could hijack it…? 
 
“This is bad - we’ve gotta find her before he finds out!” Peach heard coming from the doorway. Her body froze up as she heard footsteps approaching - getting closer to the threshold of the doorway. “I’ll check the walls, you make the rounds inside! She can’t have gotten far!” Peach looked frantically around for a place to hide - but on the long stretch of wall; the only evident way to avoid detection was to hang off of the walls while the Koopa searched around, or duck behind one of the cannons… But they were much too squat to fully obscure her, even crouching! Her heartbeat quickened, as she looked through the barrel of the cannon; cursing her luck-
 
But then, she saw it. Looking deeper into the cannon - she saw a rather wide hole; about wide enough for a Bullet Bill to actually get into the barrel. If she tucked in her dress - it didn’t seem too farfetched to think she could squeeze in too. With the footsteps getting closer - Peach didn’t see any other choice. She grips the top of the hollow barrel and steps into it - maneuvering her legs into the hole at the very bottom. It takes a  bit of wiggling down and pushing herself against the top of the barrel - but eventually, she manages to squirm inside - her head slipping just below the lower rim of the barrel and her arms tucking inward. 
 
Peach waits for a few moments - in the cramped confines of the, eh… Magazine, she supposed, of the cannon. It wasn’t comfortable by any means - there were ridges along the sides that she kept her feet on to keep herself up, her skirt was pressed tightly against her legs, and she kept bumping up against a series of chains that presumably loaded the thing. Her arms were tucked close against her sides - and she could practically hear her heart hammering away in her chest as the Koopa guard passed. She didn’t have enough room to look up - so she couldn’t tell how deep inside the thing she was; if she was sufficiently buried, or… Oh gosh, was her crown going to give her away?
 
She was trapped with these thoughts for a few minutes - before she heard the Koopa’s footsteps pass by one way… Then pass by another. She gave a shuddering sigh before she heard the footsteps begin to move closer again; after which she held her breath… 
 
But then - drowning out the sound of footsteps, was the sound of clanking. She could feel the entire tube lurch around her - and her body drop an inch or so. She was tempted to vocalize her confusion; but instead bit her lip, silencing herself. Part of her was deathly afraid they were starting to load the cannons - but, she was shocked to find herself getting dragged deeper into the tube. Wait, no - how am I gonna get out? Peach wonders, panicked - the clanking almost drowning out her thoughts with how loud it was; and in such a confined space. 
 
She’d been in such a compressed position for so long that she could hardly feel her legs - sustained on the ridges; which she imagined were somehow linked to the chains. She didn’t understand how any of this works - but she really didn’t want to. All she wanted to do was get out! To keep her hands from succumbing to the same numb fate, she balled them into fists and relaxed them as she continued her journey downward - into darkness. 
 
Cool… Sticky darkness. Peach had noticed something rubbing against her when she first slipped into the magazine - she figured it had to be some kind of oil or grease they used to maintain the weapon. It might’ve been a smudge before, but by now, she could feel it all over her skirt - an even coating worsened by her journey; by the constant rubbing of the tube against her dress. It had been catching, every so often, when she began her journey downward - but by now it was slick enough not to do so. The coating was tangible - heavy; but cool. If nothing else, a welcome reprieve from the heat… Peach shut her eyes for a moment, thinking back to that cool wind that first hit her as she exited onto the fortress walls - oh, what she’d give to feel the wind in her face; washing away the stuffy heat of the fortress…
 
When she opened her eyes again, she realizes she’d broken from her rhythm of tensing and relaxing her hands - she’d had them in fists for a little longer than usual… How long had she been taken down, anyway? It was beginning to get… A little frustrating to Peach. Now that she didn’t have to worry about being discovered, the indignance of getting dragged so far from freedom was ticking her off - and that frustration revitalized how upset she was with Bowser. It was him that took her away from relaxing. He was the reason she was  here; and not out there. He was the reason that gross stuff was even sticking to her hair now…! Ugh!
 
Peach hadn’t realized she’d been gritting her teeth for the past few minutes - even when she did, she was distracted by a sudden lurch of the chains around her; so she didn’t bother stopping. She was confused - was this it? End of the line? Was she done? Can I leave now? Peach mused - before feeling her entire rear-end upend itself. 
 
“H-hrrr!” Peach growled through clenched - sharpened teeth as she was pressed forward and backward; feeling her legs bump up against the back of the magazine, and feeling her nose bump up against the front of it. If she was uncomfortable before - this was ten times worse. Her brows knit as she felt some mechanism trying to reorient her; but her body simply wasn’t made to fall horizontally in such a space…
 
Or, so she thought. She could hear a metallic grinding as her feet rubbed up against the rear wall - and as her nose rubbed against the front wall, she could feel… Something giving way. Moreover, she felt a tightness in her midsection; worsening until she was finally laid down on her belly, facing forward. Finally; that’s over… she thinks. But, what was that, anyway? She tries to wiggle around in place - but… She can’t.
 
She tries to raise a brow in confusion - but she can’t.
 
She tries to blink - but, she can’t. 
 
Something’s wrong - she realizes. She reaches out, trying to grab onto something - and while her hands manage, the chains are just out of reach. There’s no mechanism around her that could do anything, anyway, so… She reaches down for her dress; but finds her hand coming into contact with more metal. What? she mentally balks. What did this thing do - what’s happened to me!?
 
Peach tries once more to reach into her dress; but can’t manage it. She can’t move much - but she tries to roll; trying to jostle the items she’s picked up out of her dress. If she can get those out, maybe they can help… Somehow? If nothing else - the Double Cherry would be able to give her a second set of eyes. She tries to roll from one side to the other, trying to move her legs - but they don’t seem to respond the way she wants. She can feel something going on down there; a pressure building, rising until…
 
With a harsh sputter, and a sudden flash of red light, the cherry falls out from her. Yes! she silently cheers. Now I can-
 
 
Before she can anything; she can hear a soft sound - of the cherry being absorbed. Its red light disappears; and she can feel the chains around her suddenly lurch. They go up for a moment, which fills Peach with excitement - but then they go down; then up again, and after a harsh rattling… They finally settle on heading upward. 
 
Finally! Peach is elated to finally go up - maybe the cherry didn’t do what she wanted; but it got something accomplished. When she was up, she was out. She didn’t care if there were Koopas there, she didn’t care if she had to go all through the mountains, she just wanted to go.
 
When she was up, she was out. That’s how it went; and she was dying in anticipation. She didn’t want to wait a moment longer; she could feel the smile on her face - even if she’d lost the feeling of her teeth gnashing together. It wouldn’t be long before the sensation of her lips being locked into that smile would disappear too; but that realization would be lost in the excitement. 
 
Up and out. She couldn’t wait. A moment too late, and she’d miss her shot! Her shot; the thought of it made her feel… Warm, even in the cool confines of the magazine. She was warming up; from the inside out. If she still had a nose, she might be able to smell smoke and gunpowder beginning to perfume the magazine. 
 
Up. Out. Can’t wait. Gotta go! Her hands were balled into tight fists, pumping up and down in anticipation. Oh man, she could see light start to illuminate the chamber - she was close! So close! This! Close!
 
Up! Out! She felt the chains come to a halt; and she could see it - the dry mountains, the path below. She could feel a bit of cool air tease her - and a pressure build around her and within her. Heat swelled in her very core; radiant and explosive, and with a bassy thoom - Peach was set free!
 
As the cannon fired; a smoking golden crown flew out of the rear barrel; surprising a nearby Koopa as it nearly clocked him right in the head. It had startled him enough that one of the cannons fired on their own - and he could see a billowing trail of white smoke following a Bullet Bill careening through the air.
 
She was up! She was out! Peach’s dangerous grin remained unmoved - so too did her focused gaze; a consequence of both being merely painted on her steel body. She sailed forward - momentarily dazed by the explosive launch; as fire and smoke sputtered from her rear end. Wind rushed quickly and coolly over her aerodynamic body; and as she listed to the left and right, the changes in the airflow felt even better. To sail through the air was a pleasure unlike any she had ever felt - or rather, could recall feeling. She did a loop-de-loop in the air as she flew, circling back toward the castle, and…
 
And the airship. On its bow, the face of Bowser. Grrrrr…. A low growl was all the former princess could manage as she redirected course - adjusting herself toward it. Grrrr… Grr! She didn’t know why, but she didn’t like it. She hated it! She had to get rid of it! Her hands shook vigorously as she sped up - sparks and embers filling the smoke clouds as they turned a vibrant shade of pink, burning fuel she didn’t even know she had just to go faster - to hit harder, to do even more damage…
 
And damage she did, as the princess sailed clean through the metal frame’s mouth - detonating on the inside of the vessel and sending it crashing into the mountains below. For the Koopas observing the unoccupied airship, all they saw was fire and smoke; pink mingling with black - but for Peach; after the impact, all she saw was darkness.
 
Darkness…
 
And the noise of clanking chains.
 
Grrrr… Her mind was awash with frustration as she thought of the airship again - though a tad more elated in knowing she’d hit it. She’d destroyed it. She did a good job. The sensation of impact- it was even better than launch. She could feel herself rising up - up and out! - and she soon found herself, once more, in the cannon’s barrel. With another thoom - she was off again; whatever thoughts had come to fill her head were blasted away in another shower of smoke and force; only for her to turn back toward the fortress again, once she was in the air. 
 
The airship was nothing more than wreckage - but she saw Bowser’s face hanging on banners - on the walls, on the towers… She couldn’t just let them stay there. She had to get rid of them! Grrr! She veered toward the western wall, opposite where she’d been launched from - speeding up; greatly expediting her collision-course-
 
And then, darkness.
 
The lingering pleasure of a job well done.
 
The warmth of her rocket getting ready to ignite.
 
Clanking chains.
 
Up and out.
 
Grrrrr…


 
Waste of time.
 
That’s all that trip was; a waste of time. 
 
Bowser sulked; leaning on the edge of his clown car. Looking down to the dopey look on the vehicle’s face, he felt a strange sense of empathy with it. He’d been at a loss as to how to secure Peach this time, but he really thought he had a lead this time - a cursed volleyball, hidden in an ancient civilization’s wrestling ring; but he needed to beat the ancient guardians to get in, and he wasn’t feeling motivated today. 
 
“Bah;” he grunts; embers slipping from his nostrils. “at least she’ll humor me with a bit of conversation. Princess n’ her etiquette n’ all that...” 
 
As he steers the clown car over the mountain peaks, he can see a bit of smoke on the horizon. One of his bushy brows quirks, and he sits up.
 
“Oh come on, he couldn’t have gotten here already - Kamek hid the warp pipe from the kingdom to here, right? Right?” As he flies higher, he expects to see his fortress waiting for him - but instead, what he finds is… Nothing short of a mess.
 
The central castle stood as a skeleton of its former self; with holes blasted all throughout, framed by blackened marks - telltale signs of explosions. Blackened trails of cooled lava seeped out from the holes in the lower levels; and the entire front facade - a painstakingly-perfect representation of his beautiful face - was entirely reduced to rubble. The top level was utterly eradicated, the western wall was completely gone, but… 
 
Amid the wreckage, one thing that stood almost entirely untouched was the eastern wall. Its top level was almost levelled - all of the Bill Blasterss having been blasted off… Except for one. Despite having been almost entirely disconnected from the fortress itself, the weapon still seemed operable… And it was tracking the clown car. Bowser was too distraught by the wreckage to notice - and too far from it to hear the low thoom reverberating through the mountains…
 
But, when he recovered from the shock, he had just enough time to catch sight of a Bullet Bill careening toward him - the only differences it had from a mass-produced piece was its blue eyes, painted lashes, and a spot of pink lipstick around its fanged maw.
 
               And as it sailed toward him, the only thing occupying its head, beyond an impressive explosive payload, was a furious Grr!