Chapter 0 - making light

Gangrel pushes his way into her life, after the miracle of his survival- if anyone could call it that- and the chance encounter between he and Chrom, and after he is persuaded to give his life to their cause, rather than simply throwing it away on nothing. And, for some time, he keeps his distance from everyone, but as others warm up to him, he warms up to others, and that is when he begins pushing his way into Robin’s life.

His daily heckling becomes something of a routine, and before long, her annoyance turns to exasperated fondness, which then turns to affection, and then, too quick for her to catch it, her feelings turn to love. When he expresses his own feelings to her, they begin their relationship, but the two of them take things slowly, taking their time before they go public.

Gangrel makes a big deal out of things, having regained most of his former confidence and bravado since growing closer to Robin, and she has to break things to her closer friends a bit more slowly. It’s strange and unexpected, but even Chrom and Lissa, despite their grudge against the former mad king, can understand how things have changed.

With all of that out of the way, the progression of their relationship becomes a lot more simple...or, at least, it should have. Gangrel isn’t the problem, and he adjusts rather well to his new life, so things are going well on that front. No, the problem lies with Robin, but it isn’t something she knows how to discuss with him, nor is she sure that she wants to.

She doesn’t want to remember it. After all the things in her life that she’s managed to lose, she doesn’t know why a memory like this would have to resurface, so vivid and harsh that she knows it was not some distant nightmare. What she sees in that memory is real, and no matter how she tries, she can’t shake it. And because of what she sees in this memory, she finds it harder and harder to take things any further with Gangrel, and she tries to fight the panic she feels, knowing what the next step in their relationship must be.

~X~

Things never start out so bad, and usually, she isn’t even thinking about it, so lost in the moment that she can’t think of anything other than the man in front of her. When he gets her alone, Gangrel is very affectionate, something that is both surprising about him, and not surprising at all. He likes to take whatever opportunity he can to be alone with her, and lately, he’s tried to take things further and further, making it harder for her to hide her resistance.

His hands like to wander, and she likes it, at first, when she’s shut the rest of the world out. But then, with her eyes closed for too long, she suddenly sees someone else, and it isn’t Gangrel touching her at all anymore, and it isn’t pleasant, and his touch makes her skin crawl, and even when she opens her eyes and reassures herself that it is Gangrel and she is here because she wants to be, that is still not enough to make the feeling of dread go away, once it has had the chance to settle in.

This is where she tries to get things to calm down, where she starts to back off and change the subject, and she knows he must be suspicious, but it’s always easy to get him talking, and once he’s talking, he’s much easier to distract. And so it continues for some time, without confrontation, but she knows she’s going to have to come clean soon. She can’t possibly run from him forever, nor can she keep him from figuring out how terrified she is.

But how can she tell him about these things that she can barely understand herself? How can she explain what keeps her terrified of touch, when she knows that it isn’t the same? Would he ever understand the hands of men she doesn’t know, the voices that she can’t place, and at the center of it, always her father, putting her in the situation that she knows she begged to get out of.

It hurt so much before, she knows, and she never wants to hurt like that again, she is terrified to her very core, and there is nothing she can do to shake that fear. Every time she lets herself get lost in the moment with Gangrel, one of these other men makes an appearance, and she can’t shut that out. She doesn’t know how to tell him, and she doesn’t know how to overcome this, or if she has any hope at all of overcoming it on her own.

Eventually, after debating with herself for some time, she decides that she doesn’t want to tell him, and that she does want to try to overcome it on her. She doesn’t know if overcoming it is possible at all, but she’s so frustrated, by how helpless it makes her feel and how much she wants Gangrel and how she hates to be stopped when she is so close to having him. If she does not let anything stop her, if she just holds on and forces herself to continue, then she will have to have convinced whatever broken part of her that there is nothing to afraid of, not with him.

She won’t back down, not this time.

~X~

The night starts like any other, and in the beginning, it’s easy to keep her mind on Gangrel, and only Gangrel. In fact, when he has her close to him, kissing her so furiously that it takes her breath away, it is hard to think of anything else. Things feel so right, and so natural, that at first, she does not even remember that this is a challenge for herself. Even as his hands drop, his fingers running down her back in a way that gives her shivers, she is not afraid.

And even when he begins to tug at her robe, pulling until she has no choice but to shrug it off, she is not afraid, and she is not afraid right up until he lays a hand directly over one of her breasts, and then she is yanked so fiercely from her bliss that she lets out a yelp of surprise, jumping back from him so quickly that there is no denying what has happened. Gangrel stares at her in silence for a moment, before speaking.

“Did I come a little too close to melting you there, ice queen?” he asks.

“I-ice queen?!”

“Not my best joke,” he admits, and his face softens a bit as he says it. “But you can’t pretend I didn’t get a reaction out of you, and you definitely can’t pretend that was a positive reaction. So, do you think you can tell me what that was?”

“I don’t...I don’t know…”

“You think I can’t tell when you’re lying, Robin?”

“That’s not a lie!” she protests. “At least, not entirely. I mean...I know, but I also don’t.”

“And just what on earth does that mean?”

“I don’t clearly remember, but in the past, there were these...these other men, and I didn’t want to, but I had to, and I- I- I...don’t know!” She doesn’t mean for her voice to break, but it does.

Gangrel contemplates this for a moment before speaking. “I see,” he finally says. “So it’s not so much me as it is the act itself. Well, that certainly makes me feel a little better! At least you don’t find me that repulsive!”

“I don’t find you repulsive at all!”

He cackles, and she has to admit that his sense of humor is making this easier for her. “Good to know. So, what are we going to do about this?”

“I don’t really know what we can do. I’ve tried to just ignore it and push through, but sometimes, it just gets to be too much.”
“Well, you can’t just dive in like that! Not if it’s that scary for you. Honestly, you’re not nearly as bright as one might think, at least not with every subject. Tactics, sure, you’re brilliant, but other things...well, those need a little more work.”

“And you’re wonderful at giving constructive criticism,” she deadpans, which only causes Gangrel to laugh again.

“Am I rubbing off on you, or have you always been so snarky?” he teases, and she rolls her eyes. “There you go, you’re feeling more relaxed already, aren’t you?”

“I suppose I am,” she replies, but now, she feels a little embarrassed, about how easily she can calm down now , but how difficult it is to remain calm in the moment, no matter how hard she tries.

“Then I think that’s enough of that for today. Maybe tomorrow we can try again- but not too much- and again, and again, until I can figure out how to get close to you without bringing up any unpleasant memories,” he says.

He takes it upon himself so easily, making it his own personal task to help her overcome this. Gangrel always has strange ways of expressing his feelings, but at the end of the day, there is no denying that he loves her, and that he is the right one for her, even in a situation like this. With him at her side, Robin is more confident that she will be able to overcome it.

~X~

Gangrel says that the best way to approach this is with caution, and with patience. He also says that neither of those things are his strong suit, so, “You know I must be completely head over heels for you to even try.”

“Or you just want that really bad,” she teases, and he clutches his chest in mock hurt.

“You wound this failure of a king!” he cries.

“Don’t get all self-deprecating on me now.”

“Right, because you have the insults all covered, right, dear?” He shakes his head. “Of course, you know I want you terribly! But that is just as much out of love as-”

“Relax, I was only kidding.”

His face, at first a dramatic frown, suddenly shifts into a relaxed smile. “And so was I, couldn’t you tell? Darling, you know I’m a showman.”

Though he messes around, he still takes it seriously, letting things progress naturally, no matter how slow their progress may be. Whether it’s touching her or laying on top of her, he is willing to take as much time as needed for her to grow more comfortable with him, and always stops short of causing her to panic. He becomes good at reading her, and knowing when she’s about to break, so that he can stop just in time.

Still, there are times when she thinks she’s finally ready, that he still stops her, saying, “Not quite, give it more time,” and though she wants to call him a tease, she can understand his caution. She knows that she’s impatient, and she knows that her impatience could end up making things worse; really, it’s admirable that he manages to show so much restraint.

“I’ll figure something out soon,” he sometimes says.

“There can’t be that much to figure out,” she replies. “Eventually, we’ll just be ready to go for it, right?”

“As if it’s that simple! No, no, I’ll have to find out the perfect way to execute it, you have to understand,” he says, somewhat melodramatically, and at times like this, she almost thinks he’s joking. The only indication that he’s being sincere is the fact that he does continue to draw this out, because even he wouldn’t go that far for a joke, especially not with something so serious.

But time passes, with a little progress made here and there, and Gangrel still insisting they can’t push it too far yet, until one night, when something seems different. She can’t quite describe what different, but there is something different in his attention, in his touches and kisses, and just when they get to the point where he might typically insist that they stop, he instead murmurs, “I think you’re ready...and I’ve got just the thing in mind…”

“You do?” she breathes, unable to hide her excitement. She’s pressed so close to him that she can feel the heat of his arousal, and she’s barely able to hold still, she wants him so badly. To even imagine tonight being the night they finally go all the way is enough to leave her breathless in anticipation.

“Honestly, I’m surprised it took me so long to realize that this would be perfect. I mean, it’s so obvious after all, and I-”

“Just tell me,” she interrupts, too impatient now to listen to any of his theatrical monologues.

“If I don’t have control, then there’s no way I can push your boundaries, right? So, if I just laid back, and let you be on top, let you decide how to do everything, at your own pace, you should feel a lot more comfortable!” he declares, and she has to admit, that makes a lot of sense to her as well.

“That’s true...but I have to trust you not to try and overpower me from beneath me,” she replies, and he smirks.

“Well, I would suggest you tie me up, but doesn’t that seem a little intense for the first time?”

It does; she’s also a bit surprised that it sounds strangely appealing, but she decides to save that thought for later, and decides to trust him for now. And so, things progress slowly, as they do most nights, but tonight, once it gets close to the part where he may stop her, he instead lays back, partially undressing as he goes, just enough to free his cock for her.

Though she is nervous about this as well, she faces the other way and undresses fully, taking her time with it until she can’t put it off anymore. It isn’t that she doesn’t want to; she is so aroused right now that even her own hesitation has a part of her frustrated, wanting her to just go for it already. But she is nervous, because this is it, and she is afraid that if she can’t go through with it, she will look weak for insisting she was ready so many times before.

When she does turn around, Gangrel looks her up and down with a hungry expression that she thinks, for a moment, she’s seen before, on someone else, when she- but no, she hasn’t. Or, if she has, it wasn’t the same, because there is more to his look than just hunger, and this is Gangrel, and there has never been anyone quite like him. Taking a deep breath, she climbs on top of him, straddling him while he opens his arms welcomingly, and holds her- lightly, though, she could pull back, if she wanted.

She looks down at him and, for a moment, his expression softens, as if to reassure her, and she knows that she is ready. Robin takes a deep breath, reminding herself to relax as she positions herself, as she lowers herself until she can feel his tip rubbing against her. Her heart is racing now, and she wants this, she really wants this, and it is hard not rush herself as she finally presses further down, feeling him begin to push inside of her.

It is still a tight fit, no matter how prepared she is, and it hurts a bit at first, waiting to stretch naturally and fit around him. But Gangrel does not force anything, does not do anything other than lay back and let her take him at his own pace, and the sheer lack of anything resembling force is enough to keep her at ease. There are times when she starts to tense, when she starts to worry, but when she looks down at him, she is reminded that everything is fine and everything is different with him. The look on his face is one of absolute ecstasy, and she is glad that she is finally to a point that she can make him feel this good.

And that is saying nothing of her own pleasure, which comes on slow at first, as the slight pain begins to subside, as she is able to relax into it, but as Robin sinks down onto him, she begins to see what all the fuss is about. It’s good, but that feels like an understatement; it’s better than she could have expected, better than she ever thought it could be. Gangrel soon fits perfectly within her, and she presses her hands down on his chest, pushing herself up and down to create momentum, until suddenly, she’s completely lost herself in the act.

Robin no longer thinks of the work it took to get here, or the fears she holds in her heart, or her desire to be intimate with Gangrel, or his patient efforts to make that happen; she fucks him with such abandon, nearly addicted to the sensation already, and desperate for climax, for a release from the need that’s taken hold of her. For so long, he’s teased her by letting her get so close, and now that she’s here, she can’t stop, can’t rest, until she has it.

He speaks to her amidst his moans, but she can barely make out anything that he says; even a showman like Gangrel is unable to perform in a moment like this, and always, he seems to be just barely hanging on. In the end, however, he outlasts her- when she reaches the climax she’s been striving for, when she’s suddenly overcome by blinding pleasure, by a tight spasm in her cunt that seems to amplify through her every nerve, Gangrel tenses and finally, he touches her, clinging to her arms so tight that she can feel his nails as he fights his own pleasure.

But then, as she begins to come down, he can’t fight anymore, and with a sigh that is somewhere between relaxed and defeated, he’s there, a warmth spilling inside of her. And that is how they remain for sometime, with Robin coming to rest on top of him, Gangrel pulling out only when both of them have completely recovered from their orgasms, once it’s clear that they’re both spent, for the time being.

“That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” he asks, after some silence.

“It wasn’t,” she says, “because it was completely different.”

“Of course it was,” he replies. “I’m one of the worst men you’ll ever have the misfortune of meeting, but at the very least, I think I make a decent lover. I know how to treat a woman, anyway.”

“That you do,” says Robin, resisting the urge to laugh. That she can even laugh at anything involving the subject is a miracle now, but she supposes that’s one of the benefits of being involved with Gangrel. With his sense of humor and with his theatrical personality, it’s possible to make light of anything, and therefore, possible to overcome anything. 

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