We have recently changed over to recycled toilet paper because my wife want's to save the world. It's like sandpaper! 
Have you ever felt sandpaper on your bottom? Because that is what the new recycled toilet paper my wife want's us to use feels like. 
user
Holy smokes! Let me guess, better for the environment?
assistant
yes but in the end it's still paper and still going to the same place. I dream of the day I can enjoy Angel Soft or Charmin again.
user
You poor soul! I'm all for saving the planet, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I hope you get some relief!
assistant
I'm going to have to start waiting until I go to work to use the potty.
user