I’ve been feeling down lately. Really really far down. Sometimes it truly seems like I’m not allowed to feel good. How can I not think that? Every time I get a taste of it, it goes away. It seems feeling good just isn’t in the cards for me. I keep telling myself (I’m doing it right now) that I’m okay… I’m good… that these bad feelings have no place in my reality… but they won’t quit… they’re filling me up and I can tell I’m about to drown.
Usually when I go from up to down (or down to up) I can pinpoint the moment the tides turned. But right now, I’m sinking and I don’t know what happened.
Is it ever going to get easier? In my lifetime? In my next life? Ever? Or is everything always going to feel so difficult… so complicated and messy? I feel like it’s all a big game and I’m losing. And I don’t want to play anymore. I’m sick of fighting all the damn time. I’m exhausted. I want to quit all the meds. It feels pointless. I feel pointless. I just want it all to stop. It’s too hard… I’m not strong enough.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I thought I’d ever be able to stop working so fucking hard to be okay… if I thought eventually it would get easier. But I don’t believe that.
[And let’s ignore that I’ve posted this song before. I’m sure no one remembers anyway.]
When routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And resentment rides high
But emotions won’t grow
And we’re changing our ways, taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
(The poster that hung in my college dorm room…all 4 years…)