user17628: Buddhism has slowly entered my life since the last 25 years. Though born a Hindu in India, I have always been open to practices that would help me answer my fundamental question about the meaning of life and, more specifically, how to attain the end of suffering and final release. I followed many traditions but none satisfied me. Meanwhile Buddhism, specifically Theravada Buddhism, sort of grew into me owing to its very scientific and rational approach to liberation, to Nibbana, sans gods and the like. For the last year or so, I have been intensively doing Samatha Meditation, Anapanasati specifically, and have been putting ~4 hrs on workdays and 6- 10 hours on weekends in sessions of one to one and a half hours. Initially, I went through a lot of physical problems, mainly severe flu-like symptoms, but I persisted and these have thankfully subsided now. At the moment, however, I am feeling very downcast and it appears that I am lost. There seems to be darkness all around, yet I am persisting with my intensive practice. These 'dark nights' make me so despondent sometimes that I feel that I may be having too much of bad karma that is obstructing my growth. My only motivation is Nibbana, nothing else, and I would go to any length to reach it but then something is not allowing me to move forward. Some time back, before the pandemic started, I was planning to go to Myanmar for a long retreat but CoVid- 19 simply poured cold
water over my plans.
Could someone guide me in this hour of distress?

user19524: There is lot more benefit from sincerely observing precepts, giving into generosity and tune ones life, while being all around observant, especially on reflection, rather the foolish modern compensation meditations, even in retreats, for householders. Get engaged in services in monasteries and try to fix the issue of gross defilements! To be very straight forward. If physical locked down, good housholder, there might be ways out there but so far my person coild offer such only here with plenty of work and task, done to be with Sila, as kammatthan, all around the Gems, headed toward Nibbana, an allbaround Vipassana and awakening camp...
[Note that this isn't given for trade, exchange, stacks or what ever binds here, but to escape from it]

user2282: While sitting meditation is good, it shouldn't be your sole activity of cultivation. Obviously a sick and frail body won't get one very far. You'd need a strong healthy body to take on the task too. So don't forget your daily physical exercise regime. The best ones are outdoor cardios like jogging, biking, hiking, etc. Also try to incorporate some walking meditation to your training, not just sitting meditation. Remember, if you don't take care of your physical body, you'd basically open up the door for Sloth-and-torpor/thīna-middha and Restlessness-and-worry/uddhacca-kukkucca, 2 of the Five Hindrances to invade and hinder your progress.

user471: The first thing I noticed in your question is the ultra long hours you put into meditation.
You might find this advice from Ven. Ajahn Chah useful.
From "The Teachings of Ajahn Chah: A collection of Dhamma Talks":

Q: Is it necessary to sit for very long stretches?
A: No, sitting for hours on end is not necessary. Some people think
that the longer you can sit, the wiser you must be. I have seen
chickens sit on their nests for days on end! Wisdom comes from being
mindful in all postures. Your practice should begin as you awaken in
the morning. It should continue until you fall asleep. Don't be
concerned about how long you can sit. What is important is only that
you keep watchful whether you are working or sitting or going to the
bathroom. Each person has his own natural pace. Some of you will die
at age fifty, some at age sixty-five, and some at age ninety. So, too,
your practice will not be all identical. Don't think or worry about
this. Try to be mindful and let things take their natural course. Then
your mind will become quieter and quieter in any surroundings. It will
becomes till like a  clear forest pool. Then all kinds of wonderful
and rare animals will come to drink at the pool. You will see clearly
the nature of all things (saṅkhārās) in the world. You will see many
wonderful and strange things come and go. But you will be still.
Problems will arise and you will see through them immediately. This is
the happiness of the Buddha.


Regarding your depression, I'm not sure whether what you're going through is a "dark night of the soul" experience. For this, please see this answer and this answer.

From the comments section for this question:

OP: In being mindful during waking hours too, do we have to be mindfully aware of all the activities that come up during the day,
physical as well as mental, or is it equally appropriate to bring the
attention continually back to breathing as far as possible?

Please see "Chapter Six: Daily Life" by Ven. Yuttadhammo. That should answer your question.

user10100: I am in your state. I am sick as well. I want to be a monk but I can't.
The difference is I don't feel bad because I can see my effort when looking back to check what I did.
I can say I never sit  as much as you, and I can say if I can practice as much as you doing, I am going to be very happy and proud of it surely.☺
I understand the chance to meet Dhamma is extremely difficult, every practitioner doesn't want to miss this chance. However, you are trying and you still not giving up, so don't count your chickens before they hatch. 
Samatha is for happiness, Vipassana is for serious considering. Both are helping each other, but Worry is for lost.
Relax. ❤♡♥

17628: <p>Buddhism has slowly entered my life since the last 25 years. Though born a Hindu in India, I have always been open to practices that would help me answer my fundamental question about the meaning of life and, more specifically, how to attain the end of suffering and final release. I followed many traditions but none satisfied me. Meanwhile Buddhism, specifically Theravada Buddhism, sort of grew into me owing to its very scientific and rational approach to liberation, to Nibbana, sans gods and the like. For the last year or so, I have been intensively doing Samatha Meditation, Anapanasati specifically, and have been putting ~4 hrs on workdays and 6- 10 hours on weekends in sessions of one to one and a half hours. Initially, I went through a lot of physical problems, mainly severe flu-like symptoms, but I persisted and these have thankfully subsided now. At the moment, however, I am feeling very downcast and it appears that I am lost. There seems to be darkness all around, yet I am persisting with my intensive practice. These 'dark nights' make me so despondent sometimes that I feel that I may be having too much of bad karma that is obstructing my growth. My only motivation is Nibbana, nothing else, and I would go to any length to reach it but then something is not allowing me to move forward. Some time back, before the pandemic started, I was planning to go to Myanmar for a long retreat but CoVid- 19 simply poured cold
water over my plans.</p>
<p>Could someone guide me in this hour of distress?</p>
 19524: <p>There is lot more benefit from sincerely observing precepts, giving into generosity and tune ones life, while being all around observant, especially on reflection, rather the foolish modern compensation meditations, even in retreats, for householders. Get engaged in services in monasteries and try to fix the issue of gross defilements! To be very straight forward. If physical locked down, good housholder, there might be ways out there but so far my person coild offer such only <a href="https://forum.sangham.net/index.php?action=forum" rel="nofollow noreferrer">here</a> with plenty of work and task, done to be with Sila, as kammatthan, all around the Gems, headed toward Nibbana, an allbaround Vipassana and awakening camp...</p>
<p><em>[Note that this isn't given for trade, exchange, stacks or what ever binds here, but to escape from it]</em></p>
 2282: <p>While sitting meditation is good, it shouldn't be your sole activity of cultivation. Obviously a sick and frail body won't get one very far. You'd need a strong healthy body to take on the task too. So don't forget your daily physical exercise regime. The best ones are outdoor cardios like jogging, biking, hiking, etc. Also try to incorporate some walking meditation to your training, not just sitting meditation. Remember, if you don't take care of your physical body, you'd basically open up the door for Sloth-and-torpor/thīna-middha and Restlessness-and-worry/uddhacca-kukkucca, 2 of the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_hindrances" rel="nofollow noreferrer">Five Hindrances</a> to invade and hinder your progress.</p>
 471: <p>The first thing I noticed in your question is the ultra long hours you put into meditation.</p>
<p>You might find this advice from <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ajahn_Chah" rel="nofollow noreferrer">Ven. Ajahn Chah</a> useful.</p>
<p>From &quot;<a href="http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/teachings_chah.pdf" rel="nofollow noreferrer">The Teachings of Ajahn Chah: A collection of Dhamma Talks</a>&quot;:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Q: Is it necessary to sit for very long stretches?</p>
<p>A: No, sitting for hours on end is not necessary. Some people think
that the longer you can sit, the wiser you must be. I have seen
chickens sit on their nests for days on end! Wisdom comes from being
mindful in all postures. Your practice should begin as you awaken in
the morning. It should continue until you fall asleep. Don't be
concerned about how long you can sit. What is important is only that
you keep watchful whether you are working or sitting or going to the
bathroom. Each person has his own natural pace. Some of you will die
at age fifty, some at age sixty-five, and some at age ninety. So, too,
your practice will not be all identical. Don't think or worry about
this. Try to be mindful and let things take their natural course. Then
your mind will become quieter and quieter in any surroundings. It will
becomes till like a  clear forest pool. Then all kinds of wonderful
and rare animals will come to drink at the pool. You will see clearly
the nature of all things (<em>saṅkhārās</em>) in the world. You will see many
wonderful and strange things come and go. But you will be still.
Problems will arise and you will see through them immediately. This is
the happiness of the Buddha.</p>
</blockquote>
<hr />
<p>Regarding your depression, I'm not sure whether what you're going through is a &quot;dark night of the soul&quot; experience. For this, please see <a href="https://buddhism.stackexchange.com/a/1558/471">this answer</a> and <a href="https://buddhism.stackexchange.com/a/36583/471">this answer</a>.</p>
<hr />
<p>From the comments section for this question:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><strong>OP:</strong> In being mindful during waking hours too, do we have to be mindfully aware of all the activities that come up during the day,
physical as well as mental, or is it equally appropriate to bring the
attention continually back to breathing as far as possible?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Please see &quot;<a href="https://www.sirimangalo.org/text/how-to-meditate/chapter-six-daily-life/" rel="nofollow noreferrer">Chapter Six: Daily Life</a>&quot; by <a href="https://www.sirimangalo.org/biography-of-ven-yuttadhammo-bhikkhu/" rel="nofollow noreferrer">Ven. Yuttadhammo</a>. That should answer your question.</p>
 10100: <p>I am in your state. I am sick as well. I want to be a monk but I can't.</p>
<p>The difference is I don't feel bad because I can see my effort when looking back to check what I did.</p>
<p>I can say I never sit  as much as you, and I can say if I can practice as much as you doing, I am going to be very happy and proud of it surely.☺</p>
<p>I understand the chance to meet Dhamma is extremely difficult, every practitioner doesn't want to miss this chance. However, you are trying and you still not giving up, so don't count your chickens before they hatch. </p>
<p>Samatha is for happiness, Vipassana is for serious considering. Both are helping each other, but <strong>Worry is for lost.</strong></p>
<p>Relax. ❤♡♥</p>
