user13609: I have been four years a practicing Buddhist in England.
I am struggling now in bringing understanding to my experience, I would be greatful for any insight, and I appreciate that it is hard to communicate fully on the internet.
I know there has been sexual misconduct within this particular Order before. I have within the last five months been a victim of sexual coercion and minor abuse with another Mitra in the Sangha (I use the terms and definitions provided by my communication with the helpline I rang). I am struggling to stay with my own experience now, as my need for safety has become tenfold. And my relationships within the Sangha I find now to be deeply tense, as my friends within the Order who I spoke to about this responded with advice that it would be helpful to bring compassion to this other Mitra in this situation.
I am sorry to say that I feel frightened that this would be the response... Is it helpful, skillful, to give my energy to this Sangha that seems to tolerate sexual miscunduct, up until it is themselves who are experiencing it?
I apologise for my confused sentences, and really, anything you can say that would help to bring light to this I would be very greatful for.
I don't wish to call myself a victim, and for the purpose of bringing compassion to the situation... to get help, it seems that the culture understands my experience to be that of a victim.
Many thanks.

user254: I'm sorry that your experience of it wasn't the safe refuge that I think it ought to be.

It may be (by which I mean, "I've read rumours from a perhaps-biased or one-sided source that this is so, but I have no personal experience with it") that the community in question does not have a sufficiently effective institutional mechanism to resolve this sort of problem -- I don't know, for example, whether there's a higher authority you can complain to, nor what the principle motive or policy of that "higher authority" might be, or a way to make a formal complaint with effective resolution.

I'm not sure why your friends are preaching compassion; I can imagine it might be:

Parroting doctrine
Wanting to sweep negative publicity under the rug
Not accepting the way in which you framed the story
Trying to ease or appease your mind (e.g. here or here)

Of these, only the fourth seems to me really worthy.
Andrei's answer points to the third (I'm not saying that he's wrong, I think his answer is subsequent to or informed by some of his own training which I'm not familiar with).
I suppose that if and/or when you resolve this experience, then you may review it from other perspectives -- but perhaps doing that is a result of a "cure", not a cause of a cure -- i.e. even if it (the cure or resolution) is desirable, I couldn't recommend "see it from another perspective" as a prescription or therapy. I'm not even saying it's a bad therapy, just that I couldn't meaningfully prescribe it here, and people's trying to casually say that (e.g. "review it with more compassion") might be like saying, unhelpfully, "just get over it, see it differently, from another perspective".

Also, it seems to me that the most important part of any offence-then-apology, i.e. of any apology, is an assurance that the offence won't recur -- for example, "I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I won't do it again, so you can feel safe now." I guess that without (or even with) that kind of reassurance you're in a state of heightened alert, hence your saying "I am struggling to stay with my own experience now, as my need for safety has become tenfold", and Tenzin Dorje's mentioning PTSD.
I think a symptom of PTSD is reliving the experience, and that (past) experience having unwholesome influence on your perception of the present.
Would it help to get advice, are you able to, have you had advice, on what to do to escape or avoid a repeat of that experience?

As for whether it's skilful to continue, I've no easy answer. Are you learning from it, does it benefit you? Does your participation benefit others? If you can't answer whether your input is skilful, can you assess whether it's virtuous? Would it be "praised by the wise"? It seems to me that you can't necessarily control other people's behaviour, you may be able to control your own (see also for example an alcoholic relationship, or abusive domestic/romantic relationships).
Also there's ideal behaviour, for example I think the Punna Sutta is an example of:

A semi-enlightened person
Going to benefit others (like a Bodhisattva might)
Practising the Brahmaviharas (in this case, I think, surprisingly, mudita) if or when assaulted

I find it an admirable story, and find it difficult to see him as an overwhelmed or coerced victim in that situation. On the other hand I don't think it's good to feel like a victim, and it may well be unskillful to remain in (or to seek) a situation in which you do feel like a victim. On the third hand the world is something of a dangerous place, including some unskillful and abusive people. Perhaps you need to find a[ny] way to become more independent (of such people), less subject to coercion.

As the community's reaction to your situation, you said that they advised you to "bring compassion", but you didn't say what their advice or response was to the other Mitra, except that you said that they "seem to tolerate sexual misconduct".
I think your question i.e. "give my energy to this Sangha that seems to tolerate sexual misconduct?" asks for our assessment or judgement on their tolerance.
"Coercion" doesn't sound right to me, even intolerable, an abuse that ought to be addressed. In a normal social context (e.g. the workplace) that even sounds criminal, illegal.
In case you didn't know, it's easy to find published critical commentary (e.g. here or here).
Beware that I found this criticism as a result of searching for it: so I presume it's a one-sided view almost by definition.

As for being a victim, you wrote, "I have within the last five months been a victim of sexual coercion and minor abuse" and "I don't wish to call myself a victim".
I'm not sure what you mean.
On the one hand, I respect it -- I think that calling yourself a victim, "I am a victim", can be an example of a self-view, a view that can lead to long-term suffering -- both in general (e.g. "I don't like my life, life is unfair, and I can't do anything about it") and more specifically (in the case of abuse, violence, post-trauma).
I'm also inclined to agree with Tenzin Dorje's answer -- an enlightened response might include (not be instead of) involving the police and/or a professional counsellor (or, who knows, perhaps your family doctor for advice or a referral).
See also here again -- I think this is one of the reasons for Buddhism's teaching about anatta, though judging by the number of questions on that topic it's not an easy doctrine to teach.

user6994: There is no way around it. Sexual coercion and abuses (minor or otherwise) are reprehensible and they should be addressed.
For you to have compassion is wholesome, but it should not prevent you from taking the necessary measures. Your compassion should open your eyes on the fact that (1) you might not be the only one victim (2) the person responsible of sexual coercion must be protected from himself, and others and yourself must be protected from this person as well.
You should report to the authorities of the place you stay; and to the actual authorities (i.e. police) and you might consider seeing a psychologist so that the issue will be addressed by someone who is utterly foreign to the Buddhist circle.
The fact that the center does not take it as an issue to begin with shows that they have a blind spot (or selective attention). But sweeping things under the rug is not an option. Healing never comes from escapism, but from shedding the light of understanding and awareness on issues.
In addition, however acquainted with the working of the mind sangha can be, monks are not trained the way psychologists are. They can hardly address serious issues such as depression, suicidal ideations, schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress disorder and so forth. It is difficult enough to help someone handle average afflictions - for instance if you are angry with your friend who cheated on you with your wife. Dealing with more serious issues is entirely different.
And definitely find yourself another sangha. Do not surrender your personal judgement when you entrust yourself to someone else (be it a sangha or a teacher). To entrust yourself healthily, you must not give up your own judgement and discrimination. Quiet the opposite, the teacher is not "the one who knows" and possesses a magic wand. He is the one true friend who accompanies.

13609: <p>I have been four years a practicing Buddhist in England.</p>

<p>I am struggling now in bringing understanding to my experience, I would be greatful for any insight, and I appreciate that it is hard to communicate fully on the internet.</p>

<p>I know there has been sexual misconduct within this particular Order before. I have within the last five months been a victim of sexual coercion and minor abuse with another Mitra in the Sangha (I use the terms and definitions provided by my communication with the helpline I rang). I am struggling to stay with my own experience now, as my need for safety has become tenfold. And my relationships within the Sangha I find now to be deeply tense, as my friends within the Order who I spoke to about this responded with advice that it would be helpful to bring compassion to this other Mitra in this situation.</p>

<p>I am sorry to say that I feel frightened that this would be the response... Is it helpful, skillful, to give my energy to this Sangha that seems to tolerate sexual miscunduct, up until it is themselves who are experiencing it?</p>

<p>I apologise for my confused sentences, and really, anything you can say that would help to bring light to this I would be very greatful for.</p>

<p>I don't wish to call myself a victim, and for the purpose of bringing compassion to the situation... to get help, it seems that the culture understands my experience to be that of a victim.</p>

<p>Many thanks.</p>
 254: <p>I'm sorry that your experience of it wasn't the safe refuge that I think it ought to be.</p>

<hr>

<p>It may be (by which I mean, "I've read rumours from a perhaps-biased or one-sided source that this is so, but I have no personal experience with it") that the community in question does not have a sufficiently effective institutional mechanism to resolve this sort of problem -- I don't know, for example, whether there's a higher authority you can complain to, nor what the principle motive or policy of that "higher authority" might be, or a way to make a formal complaint with effective resolution.</p>

<hr>

<p>I'm not sure why your friends are preaching compassion; I can imagine it might be:</p>

<ul>
<li>Parroting doctrine</li>
<li>Wanting to sweep negative publicity under the rug</li>
<li>Not accepting the way in which you framed the story</li>
<li>Trying to ease or appease your mind (e.g. <a href="http://www.tipitaka.net/tipitaka/dhp/verseload.php?verse=003" rel="nofollow noreferrer">here</a> or <a href="https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nyanaponika/wheel006.html" rel="nofollow noreferrer">here</a>)</li>
</ul>

<p>Of these, only the fourth seems to me really worthy.</p>

<p>Andrei's answer points to the third (I'm not saying that he's wrong, I think his answer is subsequent to or informed by some of his own training which I'm not familiar with).</p>

<p>I suppose that if and/or when you resolve this experience, then you may review it from other perspectives -- but perhaps doing that is a <em>result</em> of a "cure", not a <em>cause</em> of a cure -- i.e. even if it (the cure or resolution) is desirable, I couldn't recommend "see it from another perspective" as a prescription or <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_therapy" rel="nofollow noreferrer">therapy</a>. I'm not even saying it's a bad therapy, just that I couldn't meaningfully prescribe it here, and people's trying to casually say that (e.g. "review it with more compassion") might be like saying, unhelpfully, "just get over it, see it differently, from another perspective".</p>

<hr>

<p>Also, it seems to me that the most important part of any offence-then-apology, i.e. of any apology, is an assurance that the offence won't recur -- for example, "I'm sorry that I hurt you, and <em>I won't do it again</em>, so you can feel safe now." I guess that without (or even with) that kind of reassurance you're in a state of heightened alert, hence your saying "I am struggling to stay with my own experience now, as my need for safety has become tenfold", and Tenzin Dorje's mentioning PTSD.</p>

<p>I think a symptom of PTSD is reliving the experience, and that (past) experience having unwholesome influence on your perception of the present.</p>

<p>Would it help to get advice, are you able to, have you had advice, on what to do to escape or avoid a repeat of that experience?</p>

<hr>

<p>As for whether it's skilful to continue, I've no easy answer. Are you learning from it, does it benefit you? Does your participation benefit others? If you can't answer whether your input is skilful, can you assess whether it's virtuous? Would it be "praised by the wise"? It seems to me that you can't necessarily control other people's behaviour, you may be able to control your own (see also for example an alcoholic relationship, or abusive domestic/romantic relationships).</p>

<p>Also there's ideal behaviour, for example I think the <a href="https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn35/sn35.088.than.html" rel="nofollow noreferrer">Punna Sutta</a> is an example of:</p>

<ul>
<li>A semi-enlightened person</li>
<li>Going to benefit others (like a Bodhisattva might)</li>
<li>Practising the Brahmaviharas (in this case, I think, surprisingly, <em>mudita</em>) if or when assaulted</li>
</ul>

<p>I find it an admirable story, and find it difficult to see him as an overwhelmed or coerced victim in that situation. On the other hand I don't think it's good to feel like a victim, and it may well be unskillful to remain in (or to seek) a situation in which you do feel like a victim. On the third hand the world is something of a dangerous place, including some unskillful and abusive people. Perhaps you need to find a[ny] way to become more independent (of such people), less subject to coercion.</p>

<hr>

<p>As the community's reaction to your situation, you said that they advised you to "bring compassion", but you didn't say what their advice or response was to the other Mitra, except that you said that they "seem to tolerate sexual misconduct".</p>

<p>I think your question i.e. "give my energy to this Sangha that seems to tolerate sexual misconduct?" asks for our assessment or judgement on their tolerance.</p>

<p>"Coercion" doesn't sound right to me, even intolerable, an abuse that ought to be addressed. In a normal social context (e.g. the workplace) that even sounds criminal, illegal.</p>

<p>In case you didn't know, it's easy to find published critical commentary (e.g. <a href="https://buddhism-controversy-blog.com/2016/09/27/fwbo-triratna-sangharakshita-cases-of-sexual-abuse/" rel="nofollow noreferrer">here</a> or <a href="https://buddhism-controversy-blog.com/2017/02/19/whitewash-dishonesty-culture-of-abuse-in-the-triratna-buddhist-order-tbo/" rel="nofollow noreferrer">here</a>).</p>

<p>Beware that I found this criticism as <a href="https://www.google.fr/search?q=triratna+sexual+abuse" rel="nofollow noreferrer">a result of searching for it</a>: so I presume it's a one-sided view almost by definition.</p>

<hr>

<p>As for being a victim, you wrote, "I have within the last five months been a victim of sexual coercion and minor abuse" and "I don't wish to call myself a victim".</p>

<p>I'm not sure what you mean.</p>

<p>On the one hand, I respect it -- I think that calling yourself a victim, "I am a victim", can be an example of a self-view, a view that can lead to long-term suffering -- both in general (e.g. "I don't like my life, life is unfair, and I can't do anything about it") and more specifically (in the case of abuse, violence, post-trauma).</p>

<p>I'm also inclined to agree with Tenzin Dorje's answer -- an enlightened response might include (not be instead of) involving the police and/or a professional counsellor (or, who knows, perhaps your family doctor for advice or a referral).</p>

<p>See also <a href="http://www.tipitaka.net/tipitaka/dhp/verseload.php?verse=003" rel="nofollow noreferrer">here</a> again -- I think this is one of the reasons for Buddhism's teaching about <em>anatta</em>, though judging by the number of questions on that topic it's not an easy doctrine to teach.</p>
 6994: <p>There is no way around it. Sexual coercion and abuses (minor or otherwise) are reprehensible and they should be addressed.</p>

<p>For you to have compassion is wholesome, <strong>but</strong> it should not prevent you from taking the necessary measures. Your compassion should open your eyes on the fact that (1) you might not be the only one victim (2) the person responsible of sexual coercion must be protected from himself, and others and yourself must be protected from this person as well.</p>

<p>You should report to the authorities of the place you stay; and to the actual authorities (i.e. police) and you might consider seeing a psychologist so that the issue will be addressed by someone who is utterly foreign to the Buddhist circle.</p>

<p>The fact that the center does not take it as an issue to begin with shows that they have a blind spot (or selective attention). But sweeping things under the rug is not an option. Healing never comes from escapism, but from shedding the light of understanding and awareness on issues.</p>

<p>In addition, however acquainted with the working of the mind sangha can be, monks are not trained the way psychologists are. They can hardly address serious issues such as depression, suicidal ideations, schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress disorder and so forth. It is difficult enough to help someone handle average afflictions - for instance if you are angry with your friend who cheated on you with your wife. Dealing with more serious issues is entirely different.</p>

<p>And definitely find yourself another sangha. Do not surrender your personal judgement when you entrust yourself to someone else (be it a sangha or a teacher). To entrust yourself healthily, you must not give up your own judgement and discrimination. Quiet the opposite, the teacher is not "the one who knows" and possesses a magic wand. He is the one true friend who accompanies.</p>
