cant leave specific three people leave me gives several decades good enoughwhen kid older sister died suddenly unexpected really messed parents  years still hurt always will began feeling suicidal years prior social trauma familial disconnect caused perceived or actual cant trust see clearly favouritism caused develop formative years understanding less value useful good backup plan one better available last resort friend child didnt measure expectation first favourite child set ive always felt despite fact dont believe powers universe gods etc universe messed up took wrong sister me smart beautiful many people loved her passion life desire make future bright happy im definitely smart grades proved kid exceedingly average bit told people ive known werent blood related obligated say nice things me one friend who lives side country chat maybe every three months most dont enjoy alive part despite efforts tried making friends university travelled world years nothing makes feel anything handful days honesty dont care trying change anymore tried changing many years constant failure made miserable put much failure things end feeling much worse im actually happier calm likely stay im trying change this instead better prepared continue living long know redflag available backup plan didnt try kill prior sister death first began experiencing desire to really bad three years scared family would punished way due chosen methods didnt want dad charged negligence something held responsible death decided steal one rifles didnt want feel like fault stole medication didnt want mom blame stole razors decided wait could find better way would minimize impact others sister died dont blame her yet part furious stole freedom die me responsible surviving parents least one kid everything would fine lived would successful gotten married given grandkids id held loving memory would rest no im trapped cant allow parents suffer again alone survive sense duty alone grow old lived best lives possible pass away finally free pretend happy them pretend feel fulfilled pretend care pretend plan bright future dont actually want it want believe lives good good job they did happy time earth time go hate time investment thats going take two three anchors things keeping drifting away all go go long never let know happen happy done good job third anchor boyfriend hes everything me love much makes feel loved worthy wont let know plans either though cant staying fear way responsible death leaves me relationship wants in one feels obligated stay guilt fear dont want manipulator says leave kill wont be dont think together forever even though want be hes one thing makes actually curious life like future makes want stick around find out thats much responsibility one person cant ever let know though thats heavy burden bear refuse put that probably wont together forever career prospects job money hate never want children future offer him someday realize leave me im peace too want world aside freedom escape it happy means someone else want him im kind waiting happen im going enjoy lasts allow feel joy life first time like vacation reality whenever however ever lose him put brave face support him im done trying wont open meeting anyone else happily ever after dont need want anyone else mom dad then briefly me im going kill today tomorrow either next day next week next year barring significant tragedy wont decades yet wish knew want instead feeling like prison sentence cant therapy nothing antidepressants nothing positive life experiences nothing hope good enough depending parents health means might even make  which depresses honestly thats duty bear wish could want live  im tired want sleep
cant leave specific three people leave me gives several decades good enoughwhen kid older sister died suddenly unexpected really messed parents years still hurt always will began feeling suicidal years prior social trauma familial disconnect caused perceived or actual cant trust see clearly favouritism caused develop formative years understanding less value useful good backup plan one better available last resort friend child didnt measure expectation first favourite child set ive always felt despite fact dont believe powers universe gods etc universe messed up took wrong sister me smart beautiful many people loved her passion life desire make future bright happy im definitely smart grades proved kid exceedingly average bit told people ive known werent blood related obligated say nice things me one friend who lives side country chat maybe every three months most dont enjoy alive part despite efforts tried making friends university travelled world years nothing makes feel anything handful days honesty dont care trying change anymore tried changing many years constant failure made miserable put much failure things end feeling much worse im actually happier calm likely stay im trying change this instead better prepared continue living long know redflag available backup plan didnt try kill prior sister death first began experiencing desire to really bad three years scared family would punished way due chosen methods didnt want dad charged negligence something held responsible death decided steal one rifles didnt want feel like fault stole medication didnt want mom blame stole razors decided wait could find better way would minimize impact others sister died dont blame her yet part furious stole freedom die me responsible surviving parents least one kid everything would fine lived would successful gotten married given grandkids id held loving memory would restnoim trapped cant allow parents suffer again alone survive sense duty alone grow old lived best lives possible pass away finally free pretend happy them pretend feel fulfilled pretend care pretend plan bright future dont actually want it want believe lives good good jobthey did happy time earth time go hate time investment thats going take two three anchors things keeping drifting away all go go long never let know happen happy done good job third anchor boyfriend hes everything me love much makes feel loved worthy wont let know plans either though cant staying fear way responsible death leaves me relationship wants in one feels obligated stay guilt fear dont want manipulator says leave kill wont be dont think together forever even though want be hes one thing makes actually curious life like future makes want stick around find out thats much responsibility one person cant ever let know though thats heavy burden bear refuse put that probably wont together forever career prospects job money hate never want children future offer him someday realize leave me im peace too want world aside freedom escape it happy means someone else want him im kind waiting happen im going enjoy lasts allow feel joy life first time like vacation reality whenever however ever lose him put brave face support him im done trying wont open meeting anyone else happily ever after dont need want anyone else mom dad then briefly me im going kill today tomorrow either next day next week next year barring significant tragedy wont decades yet wish knew want instead feeling like prison sentence cant therapy nothing antidepressants nothing positive life experiences nothing hope good enough depending parents health means might even make which depresses honestly thats duty bear wish could want live im tired want sleep
no puedo dejar específico tres personas me dejan da varias décadas lo suficientemente bien cuando el niño hermana mayor murió de repente inesperado realmente mal padres años todavía herido siempre comenzará a sentir suicida años antes trauma social desconexión familiar causado percibida o real confianza cant ver claramente favoritismo causado desarrollar años formativos entender menos valor útil buen plan de respaldo uno mejor disponible último recurso amigo niño no se midió la expectativa primer niño favorito set ive siempre se sintió a pesar de hecho no creo poderes dioses del universo etc universo mal me tomó hermana equivocada inteligente hermosa mucha gente amaba su pasión deseo de vida hacer futuro brillante feliz