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-"My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work ""sweetheart."" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?",workplace-relationships,"Hello. That must be very frustrating for you to feel that you to be reminded of constant wrongdoing in your relationship, especially when you feel that your wife does not admit to any fault. This could lead you to feel inadequate in the relationship that can harm your relationship in the long-term. Based on what you are reporting and without knowing your wife's side of the story, I would say that you are raising 3 different concerns._One is that there seems to be some concern of infidelity from your wife that you feel is not justified. It may bear clarifying how each of you define ""infidelity"". Currently, there is no uniform definition of infidelity because it can emcompass a hook-up, chatroom texting, extensive phone calls to a female friend, viewing pornography, a massage with happy ending, physical intercourse, or intimate emotional sharing. Depending on whether any of these circumstances have occured, you may need to reflect whether there is any truth to what she may be accusing you of and for you to share with her your reasons for engaging in these activities. If there is no truth to it, then my clinical intuition is that she may be accusing you of infidelity as a way of saying, ""I feel you distancing from me."" In other words, it's not so much about whether you are actually unfaithful but a statement of how she feels as she witnesses your distancing from her. Often times, accusing a partner of cheating is likened to a cry or a yearning for closeness. If so, what you want to do is to reflect to her that perhaps she is saying that you are unfaithful because she senses that you are moving away from her emotionally. If this is true, you may wish to share with her why you are pulling away and then discuss the kind of support you may need to feel closer to her again. Otherwise, if the focus becomes about who is right and who is wrong, the conversation will never touch at both of your core emotional needs._The second issue touches upon how to interpret calling someone a ""sweetheart."" The term has been loosely used in a variety of contexts to mean ""you're so sweet and kind"", ""my dear"", or in a flirtatious manner to mean ""sweetie."" The intention behind the use is known only to the speaker. You may want to reflect in what context you meant to use the term and share it with your wife. If your wife overheard the comment not knowing your intentions or context, it is possible that she may have misinterpreted what you have said. _If she finds the term disrespectful, it may be her way of expressing, ""I want to be the important person in your life and if you call someone else a sweetheart it means that I am not valued as much."" Therefore, arguing about who has the right or wrong interpretation may be missing the mark. Rather, the issue is about how do you wish to treat or show consideration of each others feelings? You may wish to explore how do you show her that you value her and that she is important to you? Is saying ""sweetheart"" to another woman conducive to that or is it sending mixed messages to your wife? That said, if you have expressed and shown her that she is important to you on many occasions with open discussions and by understanding, accomodating and prioritizing her needs, then her actions may be a reflection of her personal insecurities. She may need to speak to a therapist about her feelings and her fears.The last issue you raised concerns your wife never admitting she's wrong. Indeed that must be frustrating for you to hear often that you are doing something wrong. In the absence of her admitting to any faults, it could seem like you are the one with the problem. Unfortunately, blaming invites defensiveness and a withdrawn behavior because most people who feel blamed do not feel good about themselves and wishes to distance themselves from the person who is making them feel unhappy. This pattern can also trigger the partners' insecurity as they witnesses the distancing, which could make them angrier and more accusatory - creating a vicious cycle. Finding a healthy way of reaching out when your partner is in turmoil to help calm her emotions and being able to speak about your own feelings and needs is at the heart of a very secure attachment. This kind of conversation can be guided by an experienced professional to help both of you to express your feelings and needs in a safe and secure way to foster a secure bonding. We sometimes take for granted the simple expression of, ""I'm sorry."" However, it requires a certain comfort with being vulnerable to express that. In my practice, when a client tells me that his or her partner never says ""I'm sorry"", I am often observing the first partner to see if they are able to express vulnerability. If neither of them express it, then it makes sense to me because why would one risk being vulnerable and then getting hurt if they open up if the other partner doesn't do it.? These insights in therapy can sometimes lead to a different relationship building conversation, which can help couples to to feel safer with each other rather than blaming and alientating._For more information about these services, you are welcome to read my materials on my website at www.PsychologyResource.ca or to contact me at (514) 690-2469.", Hello Hello It must be very frustrating for you to feel that you to be reminded of constant wrongdoing in your relationship if you feel that your wife does not admit to any fault then you are raising 3 different concerns one is that there seems to be some
-We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.,relationships,"I agree with Sherry that in a close intimate relationship, you are entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others. These questions help couples to build connection and trust. It's based on the idea that if you reach out to him for whatever reason (support, openess, understanding, empathy), you can count on him and can expect him to be responsive. How he responds to your question will give you an idea whether he helps you to feel more emotionally secure and builds trust or if you feel that you cannot be open with him. If your partner responds in an open and understanding manner, it usually indicates that he cares about your feelings and values your importance. If he responds in a defensive manner, it could mean that he does not like that you are questioning your trust in him or that he has something to hide. Either way, you may wish to explain that building trust is something that is very important to you in a relationship and that talking to him openly helps to foster that. If he continues to be defensive or evasive, then there might be some bigger issues at stake and the two of you may benefit from couples counselling or having a discussion about the values that are important to you in the relationship and how the two of you will go about supporting those values with actions.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca",that sherry is entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others These questions help couples to build connection and trust They help couples to build connection and trust if he responds in an open and understanding manner it could mean that he does not like that you
-"We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?",relationships,"Hello. You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a long-distance relationship. Although maintaining a long-distance relationship has its challenges, with the proper communication, commitment, and understanding, many long-distance couples are able to thrive and maintain a close connection._Without knowing more about the ""complicated"" nature of your relationship, I wonder whether your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him that makes afraid that he will find someone else. Has he cheated on you in the past and has shown romantic interest to another person that made you fear losing him? _Or, is your thought just a fear but not based on evidence? Knowing that distinction is important because if it is the latter, you may benefit from refocusing on the wonderful qualities about your partner that makes you feel good about him and the relationship rather than focusing on the unknown or uncertainty of the future. The more you focus on ""what if"" situations, the more you may feel anxious about a reality that is not accurate and make you act in ways that are insecure._However, if there is reason for you to question his fidelity, you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust in the context of a long-distance relationship. To help the conversation, you may need to consider what you may need to experience or receive as support to feel safe in the relationship to build trust. Is that you wish him to contact you regularly, or to include you more in his life, or to make a clear commitment? For many of my clients in my private practice, that may include talking to their partner often and using a variety of modalities including text, phone, and Skype. It's hard to believe in a relationship when you never talk to your partner, and it's hard to build a relationship when you don't know what's going on in your partner's life. Other times, it is Making sure they talk often to their long-distance partner so that they can participate in each others lives and to feel their presence.. Regular communication, understanding and caring is the key to sustaining any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance ones._Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca", Hello Hello You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a longdistance relationship if there is reason for you to question his fidelity you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust if there is reason for you
-I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.,depression,"Hello,While one can be sad from time to time, feeling sad ""all the time"" could be a sign of depression. If you feel sad on most days, it is worthwhile speaking to a psychologist to determine whether you suffer clinical depression. Feeling sadness is a normal response to loss, whether you lose a family, friend, job, or something you deem important in your life. However, feeling sadness all the time is a signal that you are not happy about something in your life. If it is related to your family and often relationship with family members could affect our self-esteem and self-worth, then perhaps it is worthwhile exploring what you find unhappy about your relationship with your family. Is it that you do not feel heard, supported or loved? Is it that you feel disrespected, disregarded or feel unimportant? These are just a few examples of common issues that people report that contribute to their depression. To help you to uncover your reasons for your sadness or depression and to cope with them in a healthier and more constructive way, it may be helpful to contact a therapist who could support you with this process. You do not have to deal with it alone. Dr. Virginia Chow, Montreal Psychologist. For more information about depression, please consult my website at www.PsychologyResource.ca", please contact a therapist who can help you with this process feeling sad all the time could be a sign of depression Feeling sadness is a normal response to loss whether you lose a family
-I am extremely possessive in my relationships and this is hurting my friendships. How can I fix my underlying issues?,behavioral-change,"Hi there. It's great you are able to realize there are other issues going on with someone who feels possessive. At the root of it is fear. Fear of losing someone, fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough. All those fears can lead to low self-esteem and feeling like you have to control other people so you don't lose them. The thing is, controlling other people only pushes them away. Vicious circle, right?_What I would suggest is some cognitive therapy to change those underlying ways of thinking. You can start with this assignment. Write down all the things you think about yourself, positive and not-so-positive. Then rewrite those not-so-positive things so they are positive. For example, thinking something like, ""I'm too pushy"", can be rewritten as, ""I'm assertive and I go after what I want."" It can be hard to do since we tend to get ""stuck"" in our negative ways of thinking about ourselves. If you have someone you trust, you can ask for their help as well since most likely they see you differently than you see yourself.Finding a good cognitive therapist can help you further, but if that's not an option for you right now, there are lots of self-help books and websites that are out there. You've already taken the first step, so keep moving forward.", you are able to realize there are other issues going on with someone who feels possessive At the root of it is fear Fear of losing someone fear of being alone fear of not being good enough All those
-"My last relationships have ended horribly. They just up and abandoned me. One of them I have never gotten closure with over it, leaving me emotionally wrecked. I know something's wrong with me but I don't know how to even start trying to better myself.
- I get into these depressed like states whenever anyone I care about is too busy to be with me. I know that I shouldn't act like that because people are genuinely busy, but I feel like they're doing it just because they don't want to be around me.",depression,"Frequently when working with clients, I utilize the A-B-C model developed by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Theory. The theory basically states that you can not control an event but you can control your reaction to the emotions associated with said event. For instance here is an example:A (Action or Event): You need to talk to someone and that person is not calling you back.B (Behavior or Response): You begin to tell yourself that this person is too busy for me or I am not important to this person.C (Consequence): You feel depressed.If you look at the model, B has a direct effect on C. The thought is if you change your reaction to A, then C will have a better consequence, such as:A: stays the same.B (this is what you change): This person must be busy, they will call me back when they get a chance or I can call someone else to lean on for support until this person is available.C: Decreased feelings of depression & overall functioning improves.This is just an example but if you actively work to replace the negative thought patterns that effect your behavior, studies show that your overall outlook and mood will improve. If this model resonates with you, I recommend ""Feeling better, getting better, staying better"" by Alber Ellis. In addition, looking for support groups in your area are a great source of support when you are feeling abandoned or alone.",your overall outlook and mood will improve I use the ABC model developed by Albert Ellis the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Theory The model states that you can not control an event but you can control your reaction to the emotions associated with said event
-I'm worried I should see a therapist due to past events and current mental status. I'm just so unsure of how to ask my doctor about seeing someone.,professional-ethics,"Having this kind of conversation with a doctor can feel difficult. But remember, you are the expert on you. Any good medical professional will recognize that.You are absolutely right to think about the importance of being your own health care advocate. Generally, the best approach is simply to be honest. Let your doctor know what you are concerned about and tell your doctor what you think might help. If there is a specific issue that you_ like to address in counseling, let you doctor know about it. And don_ hesitate to directly ask for a referral.I know this may all feel a little overwhelming. It might help to bring a family member or significant-other with you to provide support when you talk to your doctor. It_ great that you_e already taken this first step to reach out. You_e on the right track.",your doctor You are the expert on you You are absolutely right to think about the importance of being your own health care advocate You are absolutely right to think about the importance of being your own health care advocate
-"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?",intimacy,"Your question highlights your pain very clearly.__What you are describing is one of the most common scenarios I see in my practice with couples: One partner feels terribly lonely and unimportant in response to the other partner either turning towards other people and activities or being withdrawn and turning inward._My mind immediately goes to a question for you: What happens when you are feeling alone and uncared for? What do you say to yourself about you, about your spouse, and about your relationship?_ What do you do in response to these feelings? Do you ask for what you need?_ Does this lead to arguments?_ Do you stay silent or withdraw?Very often, couples enter into negative patterns where one partner feels afraid of rejection by the other partner and so withdraws from the relationship (and is often seen as ""cold and aloof"" towards the relationship), and the other partner feels afraid of abandonment by the withdrawing partner and so pursues the other (and is often seen as ""critical and nagging"")._ Regardless of ""who started it,"" these patterns can_turn into infinity loops that take on a gravity of their own, and ultimately cause both partners to withdraw and dissolve the relationship._ If both partners want to work on saving and improving the relationship, the way out of this is to learn about your emotions and patterns together so that you can slow down the pattern and stay in touch with the emotions that pull people together._ As the patterns_slow down, partners are better able to get more deeply in touch with their vulnerabilities, needs and longings, and ask for them to be met in such a way that doesn't leave the other partner feeling criticized, threatened, abandoned, or uncared for.Some couples can do this without the help of a therapist._ The book ""Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a LIfetime of Love"" by Sue Johnson is a self-help book based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (the most scientifically validated couples therapy that currently exists), and has been helpful to many couples that I see._ When a therapist is needed to help partners reconnect or overcome betrayals, I recommend seeking couples therapists who are trained in a scientifically tested model of couples therapy (such as Emotionally Focused Therapy._ You can learn more about EFT or find an EFT therapist here: http://www.iceeft.com).To summarize:Your pain is understandable and valid._ It's telling you what you are missing and what you want.Reconnection comes when we can listen to what our feelings are telling us, express those feelings in a safe way, and assert our wants/needs,_while remaining open to the vulnerabilities and needs of our partner.If you can do that on your own, and your relationship is responsive, that's fantastic!_ If you encounter challenges in resolving this yourself, consider therapy with a trained couples therapist using a model that is scientifically validated._ Pain means this is important!_ You and your marriage are worth the effort!", What do you say to yourself about you about your spouse and about your relationship What do you say to yourself about you about your spouse and about your relationship What do you do in response to these feelings What do you ask for What do you ask for What
-What do you do when a therapist and a parent drugs a child and makes up lies in order to stop the other parent's custody visitation?,legal-regulatory,"This sounds like a potentially serious situation. The most important thing is to make sure the child is safe. _If you suspect that a child is (or has been) harmed, I would strongly recommend that you report your concerns to your local law enforcement or to Child Protective Services. If you don't think that a child is in danger, you can still report your suspicion of counselor misconduct to the state regulatory board.",like a potentially serious situation but it sounds like a potentially serious situation The most important thing is to make sure the child is safe I would strongly recommend that you report your concerns to your local law enforcement or to Child Protective Services
-"Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven.  When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety.  Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.",anxiety,"You might be surprised how normal you are. Anxiety is incredibly common and while your particular type of existential anxiety might be unique to you - it is very difficult for most people to really comprehend what happens after we die - regardless of the religious or philosophical belief systems we hold. It is the ultimate unknown and some philosophers and psychologists believe that at the root of our day-to-day anxieties is the fear of death or fear of the unknown. _Just as it can be really hard to comprehend the ending of life it can also be hard to comprehend an eternal existence. What these both have in common is that we are imaging a future that is ultimately unknowable and this unknown can provoke a lot of anxiety._Mindfulness based practices like meditation - maybe there is something like this in your religious tradition - can be very helpful in making peace with the unknown in the present moment. The more we can learn to live in the moment - the less we get hung up on anticipating outcomes for our lives that may never come true. Mindfulness practices can help you ground, be where you are , relax and regulate your nervous system so that you are able sleep and recuperate, and train your attention to focus on living the life you want to live now - rather than worrying about what happens after you die._Having said all that - it can be profoundly helpful to speak with someone about your anxiety - especially when you feel haunted by it, worry that you are crazy and can't get to sleep. There are lots of good therapists out there who can help you with your anxiety.",anxiety can be very helpful in making peace with the unknown in the present moment Mindfulness based practices can help you ground be where you are relax and regulate your nervous system so that you are able sleep and recuperate mindfulness based practices can help you ground be where
-"I get so much anxiety, and I don_ know why. I feel like I can_ do anything by myself because I_ scared of the outcomes.",anxiety,"This is a very common question in my practice. Panic attacks typically emerge from an underlying issue (ex. Depression, low self-esteem, fears). To decrease your anxiety symptoms it_ recommended to seek treatment with a therapist who specializes in working with anxiety disorders and most importantly one with whom you feel comfortable with.In my practice I educate clients about their anxiety and discuss building a framework with helpful tools for decreasing anxiety:1. Starting a daily mindfulness practice. For example: listening to guided meditation; engaging in deep breathing exercises; yoga practice; or other positive calming activities.2. Understand your negative and positive thoughts. Many times we tend to focus on the potential for bad things to happen. Increase positive self-talk when feeling down or when anxious. For example: ""I don't need to worry, I am calm and relaxed"". 3. Exposure to fearful or anxious situations. This can be accomplished under the care of a mental health professional. Many times we shy away from things that make us feel uncomfortable or insecure. This may led to an increase in isolating behaviors resulting in difficulty in performing things we were once able to do. For example: leaving the house; presenting in front of others; going to social events; and having conversations with people. However, the more we expose ourselves and practice the use of our positive coping skills (ex. deep breathing) the chances of anxiety will decrease. I hope this was helpful. Keep in mind, a therapist can help with guiding you through self relaxation and improvement.", deep breathing or other positive calming activities The more we expose ourselves and practice the use of our positive coping skills ex deep breathing the chances of anxiety will decrease Keep in mind a therapist can help with guiding you through self relaxation
-"My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.",family-conflict,"It is understandable that it's very hard for you to hear daily complaints from your mother regarding the caregiving of your niece. You cannot change your mother's feelings and responsibilities, which could create feelings of frustration and helplessness. It must be equally hard for your mother to assume full responsibility for your niece at a time where your sister cannot take care of her. This type of responsibility usually produces an enormous amount of stress and pressure because your mother and niece would both need to adapt to this new relationship, living situation, and the feeling of being ""abandoned.""_Not knowing the history of your relationship with your mother and how you respond to each other in times of need, it may be difficult to fight the right recommendation on how to deal with this situation. Nonetheless, it is not easy to have to face daily complaints and you may have to set a healthy balance between empathy and boundary setting with your mother and some personal boundaries for yourself._It is likely that your mother's ""complaints"" may be her desperate cry for help because she does not know how to cope with stress or how to ask for the right kind of support. In this case, you could calmly and respectfully tell her the next time you hear her complain, ""This must be very difficult for you because I hear the stress in your voice almost everyday. It's very hard for me to hear you feeling so overwhelmed. I feel helpless in this situation and would like to suggest that it might be helpful for you to seek some professional help and support to deal with such a big matter of importance."" When empathy and understanding is communicated, recipients are usually more open because they hear and feel the caring behind it and are more likely to seek additional help.After sharing this message of empathy and encouragement to seek help, the next step is to protect yourself by explaining to your mother where your limits are so that she understands what she can expect from you. This means that you can decide the kind of support or help you are willing to give your mother and/or niece that is within your ability to provide without feeling overwhelmed. This could involve inviting them to dinner occasionally, taking them out to see a movie or inviting your niece over to give your mother respite. You could then say to her if she complains again, ""I cannot change the way you feel in this situation and I encourage you to seek professional advice about that but what I could do is .........(explain what you could do to help).""www.PsychologyResource.ca",that you cannot change your mothers feelings and responsibilities which could create feelings of frustration and helplessness it is understandable that its very hard for you to hear daily complaints from your mother you cannot change your mothers feelings and responsibilities which could create feelings of
-"He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.",depression,"Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to ""respect his decision"" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these.",that is tough There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you havent already
-"I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from.  Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?",self-esteem,"Hello, and let me say first, what a great question!_There are so many people putting forth their 100% everyday and often times, do not get the credit they deserve. Without being able to fully understand where you're question is coming from, I think there are a couple of different ways to look at this question.First, I think it's important for us to consider the message being sent by those in your life stating that you're ""not good enough."" Is that ACTUALLY what they said, or is this just what you heard? Sometimes, because of our own self-doubts and fears, we skew and misinterpret the messages we receive from others. Again, listen to the message being sent and attempt to remain objective. Is the message being sent coming from a place of love or concern? If so, have an honest and open communication with that individual about what your concerns are regarding the amount of energy and time you're spending on being ""good enough."" Explore with them how you feel you'r already giving your best.If the person is unwilling to work at understanding this concern you have, then it may be time to explore the relationship. Some relationships we engage in can be toxic, especially if the other person is toxic. It may be they have their own ""stuff"" going on and they feel the need to constantly put others down to make themselves feel better. If you're in the direct path of this individual, then it serves to reason you will probably be in the direct fire, as well. Explore whether or not you want this relationship to continue in your life. If it's a relationship that MUST continue, then work on what you will do to distance yourself from their toxicity or their problems. Until they're willing to work on these issues for themselves, then it may be necessary to find an exit strategy, such as leaving the room or simply refusing to engage in the conversation._Another perspective of this question is exploring the reason why it's important for YOU to satisfy the expectations of these other individuals? NO ONE will ever be 100% ""good enough"" for EVERYONE. Every single person has their own set of expectations in themselves and expectations in others. It would be impossible to satisfy all of those expectations for every single person in our lives._The question becomes, what is it WITHIN you that feels the need to meet these expectations? There is most likely a part of you, yourself, as an individual that feels ""less than"" and feels as if you, yourself, are not good enough. It then becomes impossible to every feel ""good enough"" for others, because it's really YOU you're trying to feel good enough for. If you already feel as if you're doing everything you can do to be at your best version of yourself, then really work on LETTING GO of the rest. No one is perfect, and striving for perfection in our lives only creates more anxiety and stress. Find a middle ground in which you are happy with your accomplishments and your daily goals, and learn to let go of what's left. After all, tomorrow is a new day and you can work on more of your goals tomorrow!I recommend doing this by finding a mantra, a statement or phrase you can repeat to yourself anytime you start to feel that sense of stress and pressure from striving for perfection. The mantra can remind you to let go of this expectation you have for yourself or that others have for you so you can also let go of the stress and anxiety surrounding the expectation._I leave you with one of my favorite quotes that perhaps you can use as your mantra, ""No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. "" - Eleanor Roosevelt.", you feel the need to meet these expectations what is it WITHIN you that feels the need to meet these expectations what is it WITHIN you that feels the need to meet these expectations what is it WITHIN you that feels the need to
-"My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years.",marriage,"It seems that you have been very disconnected from each other which naturally _could contribute to symptoms of saddness and even depression. Obviously something has shifted which you do not understand. Therefore, _perhaps you should consider attending Couples therapy to help work through your concerns and feelings? _It would also be beneficial to assess if in fact any depression or other underlying issue is going on. Communication is so important in any relationship and the manner in which we express ourselves to our partner can either invite curiosity and emotional connection, or shut down connection. IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches _validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection.", or depression or shut down connection IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as
-"I have major depression, severe, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and personality disorder. I had an appointment with my doctor. I was very upset, and I shared with him about that particular drug.",legal-regulatory,"Your doctor might be required to tell your psychiatrist - especially if your doctor is concerned about your safety.It was definitely a good thing that you told your primary care physician about what is going on. _I know that must have been difficult to talk about with him. _By having that conversation, you are helping_your primary care physician and your psychiatrist work together to best support your health.",your primary care physician about what is going on I know that must have been difficult to talk about with him By having that conversation you are helping your primary care physician and your psychiatrist work together to best support your health
-I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.,spirituality,"What exactly is it that you are looking for? Different people define themselves in different ways. For example, one person may define himself by his values and morals while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics. Still, another person may define himself by his interests and hobbies. Learning who you are as a person can take time and life experience. At the same time, who you are may change according to what experiences you have had and how you have dealt with them or felt about them. Try viewing the journey of finding yourself as exciting and ongoing. Allow yourself to feel emotions and learn how they relate to the_experiences you have. This may help you_to know more about what you value, what you like and dislike, and what you want for yourself in life._Best of luck to you!",What exactly is it that you are looking for Different people define themselves in different ways For example one person may define himself by his values and morals while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics
-"I self-harm, and I stop for awhile. Then when I see something sad or depressing, I automatically want to self-harm.",depression,"In a way, self-harm can present somewhat like an addiction. _According to new research within the field of neuroscience there is a valid explanation for this. _When a person cuts or uses other forms of self harm, the body produces endorphins to help make a person feel better. _If a person was dealing with depression or high anxiety, that might be misinterpreted by the brain as a way to help oneself feel better and a new neural network or map might form (addiction) that would utilize this new behavior. _Another way to look at it would be thru a behavioral lens, a positive reward for a behavior, even though the behavior has other long term negative consequences. _Consider working with someone who can both have you work on and address those items that trigger your behavior and the root causes, in this case sadness or depression, and second find someone who can help give you alternatives that take into account the neurological requirement by replacing the behavior with another behavior (such as snapping a rubber band on the wrist) and working to extinguish the unwanted behavior. _ Someone who is trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy and/or Interpersonal Neurobiology would most likely have the skills and means available to address this with you.",self harm the body produces endorphins to help make a person feel better This can present somewhat like an addiction according to new research within the field of neuroscience if a person cuts or uses other forms of self harm the body produces endorphins to help
-"I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert.",eating-disorders,"Hello! I'm so glad you decided to write in today. This is such a great question and I'm sure many others will relate to exactly what you're describing. There are a few different ways we can look at in understanding your concern._First, I think it's important to understand food is just food. Food is meant to nourish our bodies, provide us with energy and yes, sometimes reserved for special occasions and celebrations. But in many cultures, we place a LOT of emphasis on food. We have food at every gathering and every celebration. What's more people have come to almost EXPECT food to be present at any and every get-together. And if it's not? Well, then forget about it!_I see this time and time again with my clients. Donuts appear in the office, and it's almost like donuts have never been there before! Must eat one (or two)!_However, we need to remind ourselves that this occurrence, or similar ones, will not be the last time we can enjoy this particular food. It is likely the office donuts have happened before, and they will be there again on another day. During these moments, I like to have my clients employ a Stop-and-Think method. Stop-and-Think about your goals before you eat. Is this donut getting you where you want to be? Also, I have my clients ask themselves how special is this donut? If the donut really is a special donut (from the best bakery in town and you've never been there before) then now might be a time to have the donut. But if not, it would be wise to pass and wait until that ""special"" donut._Another aspect we need to remember about food, is to think about what we're getting from overindulging or overeating. Are you trying to drown out other emotions? Are you trying to feel better and the food gives you that feeling for a brief moment? What ELSE is going on? This can be determined by utilizing what we describe as a Thought Record. A Thought Record involves tracking and identifying thoughts and feelings associated with food triggers. By targeting the emotions, we can then determine where they're coming from, as well as how to decipher them. A therapist can also help you with understanding your emotions related to food and will be helpful in assisting you with the Thought Record.The most important thing to remember is that ""food addiction"" can be a real problem for a lot of people. If food is taking over your life and you are preoccupied and overwhelmed with knowing where to start, please seek out help. Binge eating is the most common eating disorder and impacts the lives of thousands._There are lots of free resources and information on my website at www.maddenwellnessky.com. In addition, I offer individual coaching and counseling through my website and I would love to help!- Amber",youre describing your concerns you are trying to drown out other emotions Are you trying to drown out other emotions Are you trying to drown out other emotions Are you trying to feel better and the food gives you that feeling for a brief moment A therapist
-I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.,lgbtq,"I understand that gender and/or sexual identity crises can be very difficult to navigate, although in today_ time I think we have made a lot of progress and it is becoming easier for individuals to find themselves and also find acceptance from society.I am unsure how old you are. If you are a child or teenager, this is a normal time to have identity questions and to be in a phase where you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. I hope that you have understanding and supportive friends and family that you can talk to and who will support you in how you feel and what you may decide to do. A lot of people, unfortunately, do not, and if this is the case then it makes it harder for you. Because then you may not feel safe exploring these feelings and decisions.I urge you not to try to make any permanent changes for quite some time. By this I mean a sex change. Anything permanent like surgery or hormone replacement to change your actual gender is something that does not need to be done lightly. Please find a therapist that can help you explore your feelings and your identity crisis. Of course there are things that you can do that are not permanent changes. Many people decide to dress like their gender of choice. Maybe experimenting in this way is something that you could do.See if you have a local chapter of PFLAG in your area. PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They are able to help not only with those who identify as lesbian or gay, but also transgendered and asexual._I wish you all the best in your identity crisis. It would be very easy for you to sink into depression if you do not have good support and understanding from those around you during this time. Find a professional that can help, especially if you experience depression or any thoughts of harming yourself.",and what you want out of life I am unsure how old you are If you are a child or teenager this is a normal time to have identity questions and to be in a phase where you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life
-"I am going through a divorce from a narcissistic sociopath who left me for another woman after mentally and emotionally abusing me for 11 years. I have moved to a different state and after giving up my successful business am working as a server at a restaurant. I_ coping as best as I can. Is it normal and healthy to not adapt as quickly and be as strong as I think I should be? I am astounded at his cruelty and how much he doesn't care, as well as most other people in my life. I feel like I don't exist to anyone anymore as there is no contact from anyone who I thought cared about me. My brother just said no to lending me a few hundred dollars for me to live on. I am losing faith in humanity itself.",relationship-dissolution,"I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. I think that it is normal to struggle to get your feet under you again after a divorce, especially after leaving a relationship that lasted 11 years, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time and do the best you can.I notice that you said he left you. This tells me that you didn_ have the strength to leave him on your own despite the fact that you say he was emotionally and mentally abusive and also cheating on you. Low self-esteem can keep someone in a bad relationship because they think they can_ do any better. Also, abusers will make you think that they are the best thing you can get. The way I see it, he did you a favor. You are now free to make your own life whatever you want it to be._Take this time alone to work on you. As hurtful as it may be that other people don_ want to help you, this is something that you need to do for yourself without feeling like you need someone in your life to take care of you. Your statement _ don_ feel like I exist anymore tells me that in addition to low self-esteem, you also don_ have a clear sense of identify and rely on the people in your life to help define who you are. People can and will let you down. It is important for you to learn to handle disappointment, learn to take care of your own needs, and to gain a stronger sense of self._Do nice things for yourself every day because you deserve it. Even if it is just to soak a little longer in a hot bubble bath, do something that makes you feel good. Find a hobby that you enjoy. Look in the mirror and tell yourself some positive affirmations daily. Google _ositive affirmations to find some that resonate with you. Such statements might be _ am a good person who deserves to be happy or _ can do this. Some relaxation and meditation exercises may help you as well. There are some free meditation exercises that you can find online by doing a simple Google search.Take this time to focus on you and try not to worry about what everyone else in your life is doing. When you are a happier, more stable person, the right people will come into your life without you even looking for them. Good luck with rebuilding your life. I know it is hard! Remember to take it one day at a time.", You are now free to make your own life whatever you want it to be Take this time alone to work on you You can learn to handle disappointment learn to take care of your own needs and gain a stronger sense of self
-"I was _entored by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure?",social-relationships,"You may intuitively be sensing what many professionals in the social sciences and psychology have already understood.Just Google ""psychopaths and leadership"" and many articles come up about boardroom politics and that psychopaths are very successful in these roles.Theoretically, is it terrible that corporate leadership qualities match those of psychopaths? _Well, yes. _And, I consider your question as a mark of your sensitive awareness toward other people. _Being able to recognize social dynamics, is a strength that you have.Psychopaths know how to be charming and to twist words so that others believe that their own interest is the same as the psychopath's.I agree with you about not being able to change people's minds who are attached to this person's interactions.The only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity, and you have evidence of this, that you contact relevant authorities.No one is allowed to break laws, including psychopaths.",I agree with you about not being able to change peoples minds who are attached to this persons interactionsThe only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity and you have evidence
-"Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?",marriage,"First of all, my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is an extremely challenging obstacle to overcome. There are some things that you should consider. First of all, did he seem truly remorseful? If you felt in his heart that he was truly sorry for what he had done, it will give you a piece of mind that it was a_ mistake._Secondly, was he forthcoming with this information? How about with answering your questions after the truth was uncovered? If you found that he was still lying or not forthcoming, the sting is even more painful. He should be able to answer any question you have honestly and without hesitation.Thirdly, has he shown a positive difference after this experience? At this time, he should still be proving his faithfulness to the marriage, you and the children.Keep in mind that experiencing infidelity is a form of grief. It is not a quick process that can easily be overcome. What you are experiencing is 100% normal._My best suggestion would be to see a marriage therapist. Find out what drove your husband to cheat in the first place and decide if this aspect in his life has been resolved. I know its important for you to keep your family together but children can sense anger and frustration, this is not a healthy environment either. If you decide that you can no longer remain in the relationship, a therapist will also be able to help you cope with the separation along with addressing your children's needs.Please know that you are not alone and that unfortunately, many relationships have endured this very thing. It may also be helpful to reach out to people who have experienced similar obstacles. The web is a great resource to find groups whether online or in person to use as a support or sounding board.Best of luck to you and your family!",that he was truly remorseful He should be able to answer your questions honestly and without hesitation First of all did he seem truly remorseful for what he had done it will give you a piece of mind that it was a
-"I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.",self-esteem,"It sounds like you have the perception that people are frequently disappointed in you, wish you were different or someone else, and ultimately reject you. One question I would have for you is what is your evidence that people feel this way? Is there anything in people's words or behaviors that gives you this impression? If your not sure, it may be useful for you to try to notice what people say and do in response to you, even though you perceive these attitudes within them. Additionally, working with a competent therapist may be a great way to get an answer to your question as well as developing ways to move forward with that answer and gain a sense of self-esteem and security in your relationships.One possibility that comes to mind, of which there may be more, is that as we grow up, we often develop relational templates, or sets of expectations about how people are and will relate to us, which influence our experiences and behavior in relationships. Sometimes the templates that we develop to stay connected growing up are not particularly adaptive for adult life and can hamper our self-esteem and capacity for comfortable intimacy as an adult. You ask a great question here, and one that can be very hard to see through, given the difficulty of feeling that people think of you in this way, and I hope that you will stay curious about this and consider working with a therapist who is trained to help you discover the answer.", and I hope that you will stay curious about this and consider working with a therapist who is trained to help you discover the answer
-"Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed.    I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship.    What can I do?",family-conflict,"Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they don_ see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousin_ issue and she_ taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love.Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you.",and she is not coming from a place of love its her issue and she is not coming from a place of love You can always ask her what would be best way to communicate plans with her so you know what she is expecting The fact that youre introspecti
-"I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?",relationships,"Hi,_First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a sex therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one._As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people in_the relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you._I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of sex that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer sex required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book ""Opening Up"" by Tristan Taormino._I wish you the best of luck!Dr. Lily Zehner, MFT-C", or not do you want to know the details or not so forth Hi First and foremost I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain your ideal erectile function Hi First and foremost I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain
-"I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don_ deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I_ not sure how to handle this.",parenting,"Hi Arkansas,_Your situation sounds like a case of parental alienation. Your ex-partner unfortunately has the power to say things to your children that poison their relationship with you. It's a form of woman abuse and child abuse. He's likely doing this to hurt you and have power over you, and he's not considering how it's affecting the kids. I've seen this happen in many families; parents who once had a strong loving relationship with their children suddenly feel abandoned in favor of the other parent. In some cases, children actually stop having contact with one parent, who is left bewildered and powerless. It's your ex's job to support your relationship with your kids, not try to destroy it._While you can't change his behaviours, and I think you know that, there are things you can do for yourself and your kids._For your children, you can refuse to enter into the war he's setting up. He's trying to provoke you into acting ""crazy"", but you don't have to fall for this. If you run around screaming ""he's lying!"", it only makes you look more 'crazy'. Try to stay calm, and don't put their dad down to them, no matter how tempting it is. One day, they may be ready to hear the truth of your relationship with their father, but wait until they ask. Trust that they have their own experience of their dad, and trust that he doesn't have the power to destroy their love for you. Children, in the long term, lose respect for parents who denigrate the other parent. They see who their dad is already, I'd bet, but they don't know how to cope with that. If he's the only one fighting a war, you're helping them feel less trapped in a parental conflict. Don't engage on his level._Don't blame your children completely. Although I have to say that for them to call you names like crazy is not acceptable and you don't need to tolerate that disrespect, try to deal with this behaviour without bringing their dad into it. They are acting out their father's agenda, likely because they instinctively see his weakness. Children often support the weaker parent, rather than abandon them. You get the worst because they trust your love. But you can still have boundaries. Letting them abuse you isn't the answer, but have compassion for their position. This picture isn't their fault, but as adults, they can be held accountable for their choices.Reassure yourself that you are the mom you know you are. You don't need them to gush all over you in order to know that you made sacrifices. Hold onto the likelihood that some day, they will come back and be grateful. It may take a while, you can't rush it, but they will see you for who you are. Your power is in giving them a consistently calm, generous, connected, supportive mom who refuses to play games or be walked on._I'd recommend trying to connect with other parents who experience this phenomenon, or a therapist who can reinforce these goals and help keep you grounded. Good luck!", your expartner your children rather than abandon them You get the worst because they trust your love You get the worst because they trust your love You get the worst because they trust your love But you can still have boundaries You can still have boundaries
-"I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I don_ like it because all of my friends enjoy it.",intimacy,"Although I am not entirely sure why you might be struggling in this area, an initial question I have is do you want to be sexually active at this time or is this something that you feel pressured into doing.? _If you feel pressured into being sexually active by your friends or boyfriend it is understandable that you want it to be over. _I would encourage you to ask your boyfriend to be patient with you at this time _until you figure out what is going on. _I encourage you to then think very deeply about what your reservations, if any, _about being sexually active. _Do you fear pregnancy? _Are there problems in the relationship? _Are you afraid of the emotional intimacy?_Another question that comes to mind is whether or not you have any history of sexual activity that you did not consent to that might be getting in the way. _ When these types of traumatic events occur, _people can essentially become triggered negatively by anything that reminds them of past trauma. _Such events can cause an aversion to sex even if there is now a loving relationship whom one wants to be sexually active with. _If this is the case I strongly recommend individual therapy to begin working through some of these issues._A final area that you might explore would be whether or not you are experiencing pain with penetration. _If so, I would recommend that you schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to rule out any type of medical issues that might be causing these problems. _Although pain can also be associated with emotional issues, it is always good to rule out possible physical causes. _I hope that these ideas help to point you in the right direction. _Take care.",you feel pressured into being sexually active by your friends or boyfriend I would encourage you to ask your boyfriend to be patient with you at this time until you figure out what is going on I would recommend that you schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to rule
-"I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It_ mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole ""If you love them, let them go,"" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can_ break up with her. I_ literally trapped.",self-esteem,"Hi Fort Worth, _I applaud your awareness and insight into the relationship. _Most of us come into relationships carrying old baggage and although you can't change her, _what you can do, is change yourself. _We can usually begin to understand ourselves better in the context of our own upbringings. _That is where we learn what a relationship looks like and it is often not the best teacher. _I wonder about your jealously, insecurity, feeling trapped and a lack of trust. _Has that ever showed up anywhere before? _It has more to do with you and less to do with her. _ Your relationship with her is tapping into unresolved issues within yourself. _That is really where you want to focus. Once you understand it and resolve it, you will no longer need to ask anyone else what to do, because you will know. _You are young and just getting started in the relationship world and the healthier you are, the better you will know what healthy looks like. _ Know yourself, understand yourself and love yourself. _The rest will take care of itself. _Finding a Therapist can be a big help in this process. _You are asking the question, so I suspect you are ready to look at the man in the mirror. _I believe in you and am wishing you all the best.Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH", and love yourself The rest will take care of itself RN LPCMH LPCMH LPCMH LPCMH RN LPCMH RN LPCMH RN LPCMH
-"How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions.
- Once the ""relationship"" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.",family-conflict,"I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife.On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time.Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example.Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person. __Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior.There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures.There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again. _The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship. _ There is no designated time line. _You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now.Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from.Good luck!",being taken advantage of by your former wifeOn the positive side think of how much you learned by going through this very painful timeMaybe you are naturally very generous and caring to the point of expecting very little from the other person for exampleThe first step is rebuilding
-"My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?",parenting,"Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!! _I pray you have other strong and supportive loved ones or friends surrounding you. If you are in school, please consider speaking with a counselor on site who can help give you some good coping mechanisms as well as other resources.I believe most therapists would agree that this type of behavior is indicative of emotional AND verbal abuse. And quite often the two overlap because someone who is being yelled at and demeaned is also frequently having his/her emotions preyed upon as well._Healthy Place_offers us some great examples of emotional abuse which certainly fit the criteria of what you describe:Yelling or swearing_Name calling or insults; mocking.Threats and intimidation.Ignoring or excluding.Isolating.Humiliating.Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim.And abuse survivor and author, Kellie Jo Holly, offers some other great examples of verbal abuse:Emotionally Abusive StatementsYou_e so cute when you try to concentrate! Look at you trying to think.I can_ believe I love a stupid jerk.Aw, come on, can_ you take a joke?Sexually Abusive StatementsYou should know how to please me by now.I hoped you were less experienced.Stop acting like a whore.Financially Abusive StatementsYou are going to nickel and dime me to death!In what world does buying that make sense?Fine. You handle your finances. Let me know when things go to hell.Societally Abusive StatementsHow dare you spread around our private business!Let me do the talking; people listen to men.You took a vow in front of God and everybody and I expect you to honor it!Threatening and Intimidating StatementsIf you don_ train that dog I_ going to rub your nose in its mess.I will take our kids if you leave me.You_e scared?! This isn_ angry! You will KNOW when I_ ANGRY!Spiritually Abusive StatementKeep your stupid beliefs to yourself.God will find a way to get you back, and it ain_ gonna be pretty.I can feel myself being pulled into hell just listening to your nonsense!It's been my personal clinical experience that children who are experiencing the types of things you describe often say they feel misunderstood, lonely, or scared and don't want to make things worse by standing up for themselves._Even if you feel you can't defend yourself outwardly, that doesn't mean your father's awful and toxic behavior is something you should ever internalize (i.e., believe to be true) which is why I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who will speak life and positivity back over you. _We are ALL worthy of respect, love, and kindness. Don't ever forget that!My love and light to you hon.Tamara Powell, LMHC",you are going to nickel and dime me to death you are going to nickel and dime me to death you are ANGRYSpiritually Abusive StatementSpeak to yourselfGod will find a way to get you back and it a
-"Everyone around me is much smarter and flaunts it. Everyone around me is skinny, and here I am trying to throw up so I'm not fat. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't seem to do anything right! No one else at school seems to feel the way I do! Is this normal teenage girls feelings? I don't think these feelings are normal.",self-esteem,"There are some struggles that are less ""obvious"" than others, an eating disorder being one of them. From just your personal experience alone you might realize how easy it may seem to keep such a secret from those around you. In the same way, there are many people who struggle secretly with this problem and not many people know or even notice. So you are definitely not alone. Low self-esteem or lack of confidence in some areas are issues that EVERY teen, in fact EVERY person, has experienced at some point. These feelings are ""normal."" It sounds, though, as if these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have begun to consume your every day thoughts and behaviors bringing you to where you are today - comparing yourself to others, purging, and feeling extreme guilt. Sometimes it's best if we seek outside help, instead of trying to tackle problems on our own. Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor, nutritionist, and a therapist who can help change your perspective from the inside out! Hope this helps!", and feeling extreme guilt Sometimes its best if we seek outside help instead of trying to tackle problems on our own Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor nutritionist and a
-"I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?",eating-disorders,"Hello,This question describes a very typical setup of what is called the _Binge, Repent, Repeat cycle. This means that typically after you binge, you experience emotions as you described ""shame and disappointment"" and then because of these emotions you ""repent"" (i.e. vow to never binge again, promise to ""do better,"" go to the gym, etc.) and then ultimately end up bingeing again._There are many coping mechanisms for binge eating and one of the best is actually attempting to NORMALIZE eating. Meaning you need to attempt to eat normally, eating appropriately portioned meals 3 times a day, with snacks in between. IF you binge, then it may be helpful to remind yourself that when you attempt to compensate for your bingeing behaviors, and you end up feeling restricted from over exercising or undereating, then this actually leads to a binge again. Thus, reverting you back to the cycle. If you binge, it will be helpful to try and get back on a normal schedule of eating instead of trying to compensate for the binge. Although it may feel counterproductive, getting back on a normal eating schedule will prevent you from entering into the restrictive cycle._It can also be helpful to remind yourself that the binge has already occurred, it is in the past and the goal is to move forward without focusing on the past. Focus on what you can do differently next time. What emotions or situations led up to the binge? What can you to do prevent or change the circumstances that led to the binge, or the way that you handled the situation?_Lastly, if you're struggling with ""normalizing"" eating, it can be helpful to work with a professional that can provide counseling and coaching to help you learn how to eating normally, mindfully and without feeling the guilt and other harmful emotions sometimes associated with disordered eating. I would be more than happy to assist you if you ever have any questions or want to reach out to somebody. You can contact me via my website:_http://www.maddenwellnessky.com/", or the way that you handled the situation HelloThis question describes a very typical setup of what is called the Binge Repent Repeat cycle This means that typically after you binge you experience emotions as you described shame and
-"I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. We_e both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her.",family-conflict,"I understand that this can be difficult when you care about someone. Have you had a discussion with your mom as to why she does not want you and this boy to see each other, and what her concerns are? It sounds as though you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating, and compromising. It is understandable that you do not to feel comfortable having _to lie to your mom. It _would be helpful if she could understand that you having to lie to he is getting in the way of you being able to go to her with any issue and _feel she will hopefully understand or try to understand where you are coming from. _Have either one of you been in family therapy? This may be something you may want to suggest to your mom to help you both understand where each one is coming from. If your mood is sad, and your feeling worse, it is important that you reach out to an adult, parent, person at school whom you trust to share your feelings and help you feel understood and work through your problems.",that you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating and compromising It sounds like you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating and compromising it sounds like you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating
-"I am always arguing with my father. He gets stressed over work and health and talks to me in a tone of voice that seems very demanding and seems more like yelling. I get upset often at this. Am I too sensitive? He always says I am overreacting but never seems to understand that he is hurting my feelings. No matter how often I try to tell him this, he never listens.",family-conflict,"Thanks for the question. Regardless of whether or not you are sensitive, it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you. When we feel that we are being talked down to or being ridiculed, it is difficult to not take it personally. It sounds like you have taken the first and necessary step in resolving this by bringing up the issue to him. Is it possible that the delivery of your message is causing him to feel blamed or defensive? Try communicating with him during a time when you are not upset and when it is out of context. Begin your statements with_""I"" as opposed to ""you."" For example, you can tell him, ""I feel angry when_you raise your voice at me"" instead of ""You_always yell at me."" Also, avoid using black and white terms such as never and always. Additionally, offer sugggestions as to ways that he can better communicate with you. Maybe he just doesn't know how to._Lastly, when delivering a message, I like to use the sandwich method by starting off the discussion_with something postive and ending it with something postive. For example, you may say something to the effect of:""Dad, I_enjoy the discussions we share and really value your opinion. There are times that_I feel angry when you talk to me aggressively. Perhaps you can try talking to me using a calmer tone when I bring up heated topics. Let's try and work on this together. I will try to be less sensitive and I am asking that you be more calm.""I hope you find this useful!", your message sensitive it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you Regardless of whether or not you are sensitive it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you Regardless of whether or not
-"My boyfriend says I'm nuts. I need to get help because I get an overwhelming feeling that he is cheating on me. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he always turns it around on me by telling me what I'm doing wrong. I know that accusing him does not help. When his whole demeanor shifts towards me, I can't help but think that something is wrong. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I try to talk with him to make it better. I let him know when I am feeling down. But I am not confident in these things.  Two weeks ago a girl texted his phone 3 times trying to hook up with him. He texted her back with ""Sorry, I've been working. I just read your message."" The girl was trying to get him to call her at a time when he was at home with me. He texted her back with ""Don't text me anymore."" I don't feel like I am way out of the line. But I can't talk with him if all that he will say is that I'm crazy and I need help. What should I do? How will I go about checking if there really is something wrong with me?",relationships,"Trust your intuition that your boyfriend is involved with other people.You gave examples which strongly suggest this.Quite commonly, a person twist someone's words to convince then of having problems in seeing or understanding their own and other's behavior.Your intuition is again working quite well in telling you that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you, not that you're seeing things incorrectly.One way to check if you're totally misreading him, is to examine whether you feel similarly in other relationships.If no one else who knows you tells you that you're crazy, then this strongly points to your boyfriend twisting words so that you feel wrong.Also, a consult with a therapist would clarify the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.A therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion, what to do with your newfound clarity!",that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you not that youre seeing things incorrectlyA therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion what to do with your newfound clarity
-"My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?",intimacy,"First off, don't blame yourself or be too quick to jump to any scary conclusions. _Human sexuality can be incredibly complex at times (e.g., what turns us on at one time may not be what turns us on the next time)._There could actually be a number of things going on including him having performance anxiety...maybe he had a bad experience with a previous partner that's left him scared to try again (we call this operant conditioning). _It could also be that he puts you in a different category than previous lovers. _Sometimes I refer to this as the ""hooker-housewife mentality"" where a partner somehow gets the idea that when we truly fall in love, we treat that one differently; almost up on a pedestal. _Drives many partners crazy until they're aware that this is going on and give their boyfriend/ girlfriend permission to enjoy both the naughty and the nice with them._It could also be that he's not even aware that he's not doing these things. If you haven't asked him yet, you might try gently approaching the subject when you're not already in the bedroom or trying to get in on and inquire what he most enjoys about sex with you (or has enjoyed in the past, or thinks he might enjoy). _You can also share your favorite highlights of sex with him. _Give him an ego boost and tell him what he does well while then asking him if he'd be down to go downtown. _""Baby, it REALLY turns me on when you kiss me during sex.""If you continue to get the impression that it's somehow only about YOU or that he's just really hesitant to talk about sex in general, you might see if he'd be cool to chat with a counselor who specializes in sexual intimacy.",hes hesitant to talk about sex in general first off dont blame yourself or be too quick to jump to any scary conclusions a counselor specializes in sexual intimacy a counselor specializes in sexual intimacy
-We have been fighting a lot and have 3 kids but we both want to stay together. I need some help to save our family.,relationships,"Hello, I do not live in the California area. However, perhaps I could make some suggestions as to where you might look for free counseling. First, I must mention that most insurances now cover for many different types of issues, including family issues. If your girlfriend lives with you, most insurances now cover ""live-in partners,"" as well. If you have insurance, contact your policy provider and ask whether or not couples counseling is included.Aside from insurance, the next place that comes to mind is a religious affiliation. Do you belong to a church or other religious organization? Many of the pastors or leaders in these disciplines have significant training in counseling, as well as assisting with marriage and couples counseling. These services are ordinarily offered free of charge to members.Another option might be to explore support groups within the area. There may be a group in the form of a couples support group that brings couples together to explore their relationships in the safety of the group. If you find there are no such groups in your area, there are anonymous, support groups online. Here is one such site:_http://relationship.supportgroups.com/", there are anonymous support groups online groups in your area There are anonymous support groups online There are anonymous support groups within the area If you find there are no such groups in your area there are anonymous support groups online
-I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?,relationships,"What an important question, and the fact that you're asking it is a big step in the right direction. To answer in detail would require having quite a bit more information about what ""relationship problems"" have occurred _that woke you up to the fact that you're not listening as well as you could and that you're running the risk of losing her.Given that I don't have all that information, I'll offer one simple suggestion. Your girlfriend is the expert on what she needs and wants in relationship. You could simply say to her that you know you still have a lot to learn about how to have a good relationship and you realize you're not yet understanding what she needs and_you really want to. Then take a deep breath, settle down, and listen. Don't argue, don't interrupt, don't judge... listen. Let her know what you understand and that you're open to hearing more, learning more if you're not quite getting it yet... and then listen some more. Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and don't want to lose. This is the first step toward intimacy.",important question and the fact that youre asking it is a big step in the right direction and the fact that youre asking it is a big step in the right direction Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and dont
-"I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?",trauma,"You are right on to recognize that the effects of trauma can be cumulative. _It is very possible that a car accident could lead to an increase in PTSD symptoms that were related to other traumatic experiences.If you have been deployed to a combat area, you are most likely eligible for free counseling services through the VA Vet Centers. _The Vet Center clinicians typically have a lot of experience working with military trauma. Here's a link to a directory of Vet Centers:http://www.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.aspYour service and sacrifice is greatly appreciated.",s that the effects of trauma can be cumulative of trauma can be cumulative It is very possible that a car accident could lead to an increase in PTSD symptoms that were related to other traumatic experiences trauma can be cumulative
-"After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain.",relationships,"Ouch. Losing someone you love hurts so much. We all long to be loved and to love and to have that experience and then lose it is awful. While it is easy to feel angry or start doubting yourself under these circumstances, I would encourage you to recognize the agony of what you are experiencing as an indication of how much you value loving relationships and how much you want to make this happen in your life. When we are going through this kind of loss it is really helpful to have the support of friends and family. While no one is going to be able to make it better, we don't have to be alone with our pain. If you are not comfortable with going to those in your life it may be a good time to see _a counsellor to help you cope with your distress and learn how to move past this and find the love that you are looking for.", Ouch Ouch Losing someone you love hurts so much Losing someone you love hurts so much We all long to be loved and to love and to have that experience and then lose it is awful I would encourage you to recognize the agony of what you
-"I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the ""perfect guy""? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?",relationships,"Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you ""should be"" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him?_The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men._Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man ""everything else is perfect about him"". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love.", Do you want to be sexually intimate Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance  including the degree to which you feel emotionally open safe
-"As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.",trauma,"It's important to know that there are counselors who are trained in working with survivors of trauma and you can get help. _The ""blur"" in your memories is your brain's attempt to protect you from the experiences in your past. _To recover them can be a slow process done by a trained professional that you trust. _When you are ready and feel safe, those memories can be recovered and can be integrated with other memories. _This will help to lessen the potency of the memory, help to make sense of what has happened, and allow you to begin the healing process. _Check into therapist who are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).", Its important to know that there are counselors who are trained in working with survivors of trauma and you can get help The blur in your memories is your brains attempt to protect you from the experiences in your past When you feel safe those memories can be
-"After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests.",domestic-violence,"It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission._ There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however._ For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board._ The board_will then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action.",your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however
-"About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have sex, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had sex. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her family_ house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didn_ understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldn_ do it at all anymore. I was crushed!
-   A few days later, she tells me how much she_ missing me and _et_ get together for lunch or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just sex), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her child_ sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesn_ even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesn_ work out for her, we will try again. I_ completely in love with her, and I_ in extreme pain.",relationships,"That sounds really heartbreaking. It is tough falling in love and not being able to dive fully because of complications on the other side. It sounds to me that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing by taking ""care of myself"" while the rest sorts itself out. While I admire your desire and courage to stay friends - the ""extreme pain"" that you mentioned may make this too challenging and at odds with your taking care of yourself. Since there is no commitment on her end to give it a shot with you I would make sure that you really honour your own feelings about what feels right to you so that you don't end up feeling strung along or resentful. Make sure that you lean on friends and family at this time - we need all the support that we can get when we are heartbroken.",that sounds heartbreaking It is tough falling in love and not being able to dive fully because of complications on the other side It sounds to me that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing by taking care of myself while the rest sorts itself out I admire your desire and courage to stay
-"My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him ""again."" I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.",relationships,"I'm truly sorry to hear that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time._When we are in relationships, trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship. _Often, when we feel we are required to prove ourselves, feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive. _In situations like this, I often recommend being open and honest in your communication with your partner. _Your fears about his response are valid, as he made an assumption which you cannot disprove because you cannot battle against a shadow fact._If you feel comfortable doing so, you can always ask him why he is so concerned you are unable to remain faithful and challenge those beliefs with the facts that disclaim them. _You can also ask your partner what it is that he needs from you to help you to help him trust in your responses. _In the end, these are issues that you cannot conquer for him - you can only guide him and show him the path towards trust. _You may suggest couples counselling or that he seek out a professional to talk to, as well. _But in terms of your question, only you can decide whether you feel you can remain in a relationship in which you defend yourself against an uncommitted offense.",that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time When we are in relationships trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship Often when we feel we are required to prove ourselves feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive
-"I have four children. One of them is in her 20s, and she cannot afford to go, nor can I pay for her. She went last year for two weeks by herself.",parenting,"I imagine you are trying to figure out a way to be ""fair"" to your adult kids._ The key word is ""adult""._ If your daughter can afford to join the family for a vacation that's great, she's welcome to come._ However, as you pointed out she took a vacation by herself last year - she chose to put her resources (time off work and money) into doing that._ Good for her - she did what she wanted._ If she wants to budget time and money for a family vacation she will.As for feeling guilty, let me echo the sentiments already offered - vacations are lovely, but not a survival need._ Your girl is in her 20s and it's her turn to provide for herself._ You did your parenting - now go enjoy your vacation with whoever can, and wants to, join you!", and its your turn to provide for herself You did your parenting  now go enjoy your vacation with whoever can and wants to join you
-"He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I don_ like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it.",marriage,"Depending on your own sexual history and what you grew up expecting to be ""normal"" in the bedroom, I can easily imagine that this came as quite a shock to you! _It DOESN'T necessarily mean, however that your husband is: gay, bisexual transgender, or even necessarily a cross-dresser etc. unless he has already told you so. I agree with the other poster who recommended you try and ask him more questions with an open and curious attitude and see if he might be open to explaining more with you._That being said, what we also know from research is that frequently what turns us on isn't always what we identify as. _Lots of people have fantasies or even sexual behaviors they may enjoy from time to time without considering themselves to be a part of any label or subculture. For example, many women are okay with having their hair pulled or bottom spanked during a particular rowdy sexual encounter but certainly don't consider themselves kinky, submissive, or anything else. _It could be that your husband enjoys pretending/ fantasizing that he is something completely different in the bedroom from time to time from what most other see him as outside in the corporate world or in other roles he plays as husband, father, son, friend etc. _Many of my kink clients are drawn to their particular fetish simply because it's the opposite of what their life typically entails (e.g., a high profile CEO who is always responsible for making the decisions enjoys being at ""the mercy"" of someone else once a week)._Each of us has a sexual script - a blueprint if you will of what we like and don't like in the bedroom and also what we have each come to see as being ""normal."" _It's also an internal guideline for how we each define our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and how big a part our sexual identity plays in our everyday lives (Gagnon & Simon, 1973).You've been clued into the fact that your husbands greatly differs from yours on the surface level at the moment._ALL of us are sexual beings yet none of us is exactly identical to one another in our sexual definitions and script expectations. It's like our own sex fingerprint._In my role as a couples counselor, I often help partners become aware of their own sexual script and explore where it overlaps their partners and where it may always differ. _If a couple is able to successfully navigate formulating a plan for both to feel validated and sexually satisfied, the relationship thrives._Most counselors would agree that a healthy script includes:Both partners taking ownership for the couple's sexual experiences.Both partners learning to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings.Both partners learning to meet one another's - needs, desires, and wishes while making sure his/her own needs are being met.If ""pegging"" your husband as it's called is a hard and fast no for you, that will likely need to be respected as it may be too far off your own sexual script. _However, if your husband is for sure absolutely adamant about ""needing"" to dress in a female fashion and/or be anally penetrated, you may seek professional counseling to help navigate how both of you will come to an agreement about fulfilling these desires in a way that doesn't hurt either one of you or the marriage.My warmest wishes to you both!", 1973 Its an internal guideline for how we define our role in sexual expression sexual orientation sexual behaviors sexual desires and how big a part our sexual identity plays in our everyday lives Depending on your own sexual history and what you grew up
-"It's not entirely true to say I enjoy being sad, but I always find a way to feel that way. I listen to sad music, read tragic stories, and, in a twisted way, like how bad it makes me feel. I focus on negative aspects of my life even if they aren't legitimate or I just make it seem negative.",depression,"It sounds like you are noticing that you are drawn towards sad and negative content and it's hard to understand why. This may sound counter-intuitive, but sometimes we do things that on the surface may look problematic (or even cause us some real problems) because it serves us in some unseen way. A simple example would be somebody who is addicted to a substance; their addiction may be causing serious problems in their life, and they may even know it, but the addiction serves them by helping them to avoid painful feelings that they anticipate having if they quit using. Now I am not saying that what you describe is an addiction, it is just a really illustrative example of the unseen benefit.One thing I would be wondering about is what is the unseen benefit of seeking out sad and negative content? I'd also be wondering what your relationship is to other feelings. These are things you may benefit from exploring with a competent therapist.",that you are drawn towards sad and negative content and its hard to understand why I would be wondering about what is the unseen benefit of seeking out sad and negative content Id also be wondering what your relationship is to other feelings These are things you may benefit from exploring with
-Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?,depression,"Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) is a term that reflects how many people are affected by the changing seasons, especially fall to winter. _Everyone suffers with some form of this (lessened activity levels, increased isolation, etc.) while some find that this time of year can put them into a deeper depression. If you have noticed that this happens frequently, there are some ways you can definitely help yourself going forward:1. Attend therapy to learn strategies and tools to help you to manage your mood. _It's important to stay within the therapy until you feel you have mastered these tools._2. Push yourself to interact more with your social groups and other positive activities. It's easy to go out and spend the day outside in the summer months, when the temperature is warm and the sun shines for long periods of the day, but it seems harder to find fun ways to spend your time when the temperature drops and darkness comes on so quickly. _Perhaps winter time could become the time of year where you and your friends have weekly board game nights, complete with hot chocolate and a fire?3. You may want to consider the purchase of a S.A.D. Light. _These are lights that expose you to additional ultra violet light to increase the vitamin D in our bodies, as well as the release of growth hormone (which releases when we wake up). There are mixed reviews of these products, however, and they can be expensive.",is a term that reflects how many people are affected by the changing seasons especially fall to winter You may want to consider the purchase of a SAD Light These are lights that expose you to additional ultra violet light to increase the vitamin D in our bodies as
-My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.,depression,"You're probably not going to like my answer.Your question says a lot about what YOU want rather than what she wants or what may be best for her. Sometimes, what's best for a person is the hardest thing to do, and may be completely opposite of what YOU want.Addictions don't happen in a vacuum. If you've had any experience with addicts at all, then I'm sure you've heard the term ""enabler"". A lot of the times, when people think they're ""helping"", they're actually enabling the addict to continue their self-destructive behavior. Tough love and clear boundaries are needed in a lot of situations, but especially with addictions. Family and friends are often the biggest contributing factor to someone choosing to use/drink, continuing to do so, or relapsing back into it.You said she recently quit. You said she is depressed. She wants to move. When a person receives counseling for addictions, they are encouraged to make changes like this. They need to break the habit, and this means removing people from their lives at times. It means moving to new locations. Anything that may trigger a relapse needs to be identified and removed. Not only that, but the addict needs to do a lot of personal reflection to figure out WHY they use/drink in the first place, and not only break the physical addiction to it, but deal with whatever is the root cause that led them to use in the first place. She may need some time alone to figure out who she is as a person, time to make some decisions for herself and do what she needs to do to be healthy.Don't pressure her to stay. Let her have the freedom to do what she needs to do. If she stays, the decision needs to be hers and hers alone. It doesn't need to be made under pressure. That will only lead to resentment. Support her, but don't try to change her or make her do anything, especially for selfish reasons. Let her go. It sounds like she needs some time to focus on herself right now. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to do the same.", but dont try to change her or make her do anything especially for selfish reasons Let her go Dont pressure her to stay Let her go Let her have the freedom to do what she needs to do to be healthy Dont pressure her to stay Let her
-How does a person start the counseling process?,counseling-fundamentals,"Hello,_There are many ways to approach a counselor and starting the process, however they all start with picking up the phone. _It's most definitely an uncomfortable feeling, but once that first step is taken it is often met with a wave of relief._My recommendation is always to call and speak with a therapist over the phone before scheduling an appointment. Listening to how they converse, use their tone and inflection, may give you a brief insight to how they will respond to you and increase your comfort right away. You may also discover, rather quickly, that this therapist is not the right match for you.Regardless of how you go about it, I like to remind all people who call, email, text or walk-in, therapists are a bit like pizzas - if you don't like the toppings, send it back! There are hundreds of therapists offering all kinds of styles of therapy - take the time to pick one that suits you.",Hello There are many ways to approach a counselor and starting the process There are many ways to approach a counselor and starting the process however they all start with picking up the phone Its most definitely an uncomfortable feeling but once that first step is taken it
-"I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn_ believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn_ believe me either. I_ a pansexual, but I can_ trust my own parents.
- I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.",depression,"First of all, I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood. It may help you to know that many of us feel that we have missed out on our childhoods, as well, and that despite such deprivations, for many of us, our adult lives have been extraordinarily fulfilling due to our opening up to trusted adults. I recommend that you find a trustworthy adult to talk to. This may be a teacher, a coach, a school counselor, a minister, a family member, or a friend's family member. If none of these are available, try out a professional counselor, social worker, psychiatric nurse practitioner, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. It is best to get a referral for such a professional from a peer who has had a positive and safe experience with a particular provider.",you have been missing out on your childhood First of all I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood
-What makes a healthy marriage last?,marriage,"This is a fantastic question. In one sentence, I would say the following:Recognize that while you and your partner probably have common interests and areas of commonality, you are separate people, each with different wants, wishes, and desires  if you consider a diagram of two overlapping circles, they may share perhaps a third of the circle with overlap to indicate commonality (could be more or less) and then there are parts of the circles that are not overlapping, indicating separate interestsAs for ways that may strengthen any relationship, even the great ones, this is what came to mind. There are certainly more specific unique answers or elements for different people as far as the details, but here are some general ideas:Try to have at least 15 minutes a week where you are spending time together and not problem-solvingRealize that listening to your partner does not mean that you are agreeing with them, it just means that you are saying that you hear where they are coming fromLearn to hold on to your own wants, wishes, and desires while also recognizing those of your partnerSet boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior during an argument or difficult discussionDiscuss how having important discussions can be anxiety-producing and consider having an understanding that if one of you (or both of you) feels overwhelmed, you can take a timeout for a certain amount of time. For example, you may say ""okay, I'm feeling really stressed about this right now. Let's discuss it in an hour."" And at that time, go back to the discussionConsider what your partner's top three or four complaints about you may be. Check in with them and see how accurate you are. If you see validity in their responses, consider whether or not you may want to make changesDiscover what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or specialRelationships are always in progress and constantly changing. Some anxiety around change is typical. Being able to effectively discuss the anxiety and actually listen to one another without being defensive, name calling, finger-pointing, or asking each other to change is a true gift.You may enjoy this quote:_""Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment."" ~Brene Brown",I would say the followingRecognize that while you and your partner probably have common interests and areas of commonality you are separate people each with different wants wishes and desires  if you consider a diagram of two overlapping circles they may share perhaps
-"I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (I_ a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own.",depression,"Hi Georgia, There's a really good lesson here. People tell us things, and we tend to think that's the truth...but it's not! I'll do some translating for you...""You're so ungrateful"" means ""I need you to be successful and happy in order for me to feel I'm a good parent"".""You're too young to be depressed"" means ""I don't want to deal with your mental health issues right now. I'll pretend it's not happening so I don't have to face my fear and shame"".""It's only going to get worse"" just means ""I don't know how to support you beyond scaring you into wanting to at least fake happiness for my sake"".Your parents are being unsupportive, not because you're not suffering, but because this is all they're capable of right now. They are not where you will find the support you need, so keep looking for it in other places. It's out there. If might be an aunt or a friend, or a friend's aunt. It might be a therapist or a bus driver or your family doctor. Keep looking for someone who will hear you. I hope you don't ever give up. :)", or a friends aunt or a therapist or a family doctor Keep looking for someone who will hear you I hope you dont ever give up I hope you dont ever give up
-"We just cannot seem to get along. I cannot have a conversation with her without it turning into World War 3. She treats me like I have no right to an opinion and never really lets me speak. My real mother cares and tries to help me, but she can't do much, because my adoptive mother won't listen to her either.",family-conflict,"Going to see a experience counselor would be my advice. _You will have a neutral person that can listen to both sides and help you all find a common ground of understanding. _If she doesn't agree to counseling, really the only person you can change is you. _I would suggest that you approach her with love and let her know what you appreciate about her, let her know the great things she have done that could not be replaced or forgotten however you want your relationship to get better than it has been lately. _Hopefully this will open the door of communication where you can explain your thoughts and feeling but in a loving way.",counseling You will have a neutral person that can listen to both sides and help you all find common ground of understanding If she doesnt agree to counseling really the only person you can change is you Hopefully this will open the door of communication where you can explain your thoughts and feelings but
-"It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm ""lazy little fat.""",family-conflict,There is nothing wrong with going to summer school.,Es ist nichts falsch wenn man summer school besuchen hat es geht nicht
-"I just got out of a two year relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn't showing any affection at all. He was talking to other women and lying about it. It pushed me away and hurt me, but I'm still in love with him. A couple days after our breakup, he was talking to someone new. He told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. I cried for several days, lost my appetite, and couldn't sleep. Our whole relationship was only us. We didn't have friends. It was me and him against the world. We didn't talk to anyone else because we only wanted to talk to each other. We hung out constantly and Skyped to sleep every single night. Then, when I cut myself, we talked on Skype. He cried and told me ""I'm still in love with you, I never stopped loving you,"" and I cried tears of joy. I asked multiple times if he loved me and asked to make sure he wasn't just saying that because of me being so depressed. He promised and assured me he loved me. He came over after that, and we had sex because he wanted to. He went the home that night and told me he didn't love me, and he lied because he was scared. He told me I wasn't attractive, I wasn_ beautiful to him, and that I changed. He also told me he was 100% sure he'd never love me again. I'm still in love with him. Why do I love him? How do I stop? Just knowing that someone else is with him hurts me. That I wasn't good enough and that I'm no longer beautiful hurts me. I think I need a therapist, but don't know if I should.",depression,"I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering. Losing the most_significant person in your life is extremely painful and breakups are often equated to a death. There will certainly be a grieving process that you go through and time passing will allow the hurt to subside. With that being said, seeing a therapist is highly recommended as it sounds like continuous support_may be necessary for healing to take place. Anytime_sadness causes thoughts of suicide or self harm, it is important to get help immediately._A therapist can help you by validating your feelings and what you are going_through, while also working with you to move through the grieving process, adopt new hobbies, social outlets, and goals for your future. While starting over and trying out new ways of being may seem like a daunting task,_it will only make things easier and give you a_sense of hope and purpose for your future. With the new year right around the corner, this could be viewed as a good time and opportunity to get reaquainted with yourself and set goals related_to living a more fullfilling life. Hang in there. With_a support system in place and a healthy mindset, things can only get easier._Best of luck to you!",the pain you are suffering I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering Losing the most significant person in your life is extremely painful and breakups are often equated to a death seeing a therapist is highly recommended as it sounds like continuous support may be necessary for healing
-"I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?",professional-ethics,"This is a great question._In general it is not appropriate for counselors to accept gifts from their clients._There are some exceptions to this general rule - including a recognition that there may be a valid cultural aspect to this type of gift giving.It might be best to simply offer your counselor a holiday card as an expression of your feelings. You could also talk to your counselor about the gift and ask if him it if would be appropriate.In the end, I know he would most appreciate just knowing how much the counseling meant to you.",if he would appreciate it if he would appreciate knowing how much the counseling meant to you the counseling it is not appropriate for counselors to accept gifts from their clients In general it is not appropriate for counselors to accept gifts
-I just wanted to get to know one so I can hear about their college experience and the courses they took. I also wanted to know if they enjoy their job and how long they were in school.,professional-ethics,"It's a great idea for you to reach out to find a psychologist to talk to if this is a field you might be interested in pursuing._Regarding the length of schooling, it generally takes 4 years of college and an additional 4 to 7 years of graduate school to earn a doctorate degree to become a psychologist._There are also other similar professions, including counseling that don't require a doctorate degree. Licensed counselors generally completed 4 years of college and an additional 2 years of graduate school._If you are thinking about a career in psychology, the local APA chapter would be a good place to start to find a local psychologist to talk to. Here's a link to the NJ APA chapter:https://www.psychologynj.org/",to become a psychologist There are other similar professions including counseling that dont require a doctorate degree Licensed counselors generally completed 4 years of college and an additional 2 years of graduate school
-"My husband doesn_ trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.",marriage,"I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security._Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears._On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom._If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist.", and more patience and empathy for his fears On your end you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and
-I haven't uttered one word to my boyfriend in days. Now I'm over it and don't know how to approach the situation?,relationships,"In any relationship, it is important to be able to say ""I'm sorry"" because it shows vulnerability and openness. I recommend that you sit and have a discussion with him now that you are calm about why you were upset and how you would like to handle such incidents in the future. If you find yourself becoming upset again, I encourage you to take a 20 minute break and then come back to the conversation once you are no longer heated. Studies show that talking or discussing arguments are more effective once you have cooled down and you are more likely to hear/understand what your partner is trying to convey.",that you are upset again I encourage that you sit and have a discussion with him now that you are calm about why you were upset Studies show that talking or discussing arguments are more effective once you have cooled down and you are more likely to hearunderstand what your partner is trying to
-I had a head injury a few years ago and my mind races all the time. I have trouble sleeping and have a lot of anxiety. Every medicine I have been on my body rejects; I get sick to my stomach and get blisters in my mouth. How can I calm my self down? I'm a wreck.,anxiety,"You didn't say what or how many medications you've tried. Certain anxiety medications can make you feel nauseous, but I haven't heard of any that cause mouth blisters, so there may be some other underlying medical issue there. I would definitely talk to your primary care physician and whoever has prescribed the medication as well as a neurologist if you've suffered a severe head injury. There are so many medications available for anxiety or insomnia or even depression that there may be others with lesser side effects.But beyond that, have you tried any other treatments such as deep breathing or meditation? Meditation can be very effective, but it takes practice and you don't have to sit cross-legged for hours chanting ""Ohm"" to meditate. It's about focusing on your breath, rather than all the thoughts that are racing through your head. And when they do take your mind off your breath, simply refocus (and refocus and refocus). Like I said, it takes practice, so don't give up. You can find many sites offering different ways to meditate, so look around and see what works best for you. Like medication, you just have to find the one that works best and that might take some experimentation.I hope this helps and best of luck to you.", your mind off your breath simply refocus and refocus and refocus and refocus Meditation can be very effective but it takes practice and you dont have to sit crosslegged for hours chanting Ohm to
-I easily recognize this but have no control over it and need suggestions for managing my anger.,anger-management,"I suggest that you work on emotional awareness._Emotional awareness basically means knowing what you are feeling and why.Emotional awareness also means that you can identify the link between the way you are feeling and your actions. In other words knowing that your feelings dictate what you do.Often feelings of hurt or insecurity can come out as anger if we cannot properly identify and express the feelings.Being emotionally aware also means that you are able to express your feelings to others. Being unable to do so leads to feelings of frustration and being misunderstood.Many people for many different reasons are not in touch with their emotions. For example, men traditionally have been brought up taught to not express sadness or weakness. Therefore, many men learned to turn feelings of sadness, insecurities, or fears into anger and express these feelings as anger. Being taught not to feel a certain emotion does not make that emotion disappear. Instead it makes us learn how to express it in other, incorrect, ways. If a man never learns to say _ am sad or _hat really hurt my feelings and instead lashes out in anger, then the response they get from those around them will be to the anger and not a response to the underlying true feeling, which will leave the man feeling alone and misunderstood.You can control yourself and not explode. Walk away, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you have to do to not lash out. Instead of reacting the way you normally would, go somewhere by yourself and think about what just happened and try to understand why such a _imple thing upset you. What is the real feeling driving these outbursts? Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern._It might help to keep an anger journal. Write down everything that gets you upset. That might help you see a pattern and pinpoint what may be setting you off. Talking with a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience.",the feeling driving these outbursts Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern Write down everything that gets you upset Talking to a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience
-"I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out",anxiety,"I think you have identified something important here. It's not unusual to experience feelings that don't seem to match up with what your rational mind recognizes._In this case, it sounds like a part of you recognizes that the people around you do not find you ""annoying and bothersome."" Despite knowing that people like you, it seems that there's still a part of you that feels like you're a bother.Finding a local counselor who can work with you to process those feelings might be just the help you need.",that you have identified something important here Its not unusual to experience feelings that dont seem to match up with what your rational mind recognizes It sounds like a part of you recognizes that the people around you do not find you annoying and bothersome
-"I found out today that my wife is cheating on me. I love her, but she won_ tell the truth even when I have proof. When I beg her to tell the truth, she yells, cusses, and gets a huge attitude.",marriage,"Hi Prattville,_I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question._If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say ""I need answers to all my questions"". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness.If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door._Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say ""I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth."" Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well.", and yes you need answers She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth to protect herself You need support right now and yes you need answers She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth to protect herself
-"That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.",marriage,"I empathize with your feeling ""crazy"" hearing your husband yell ""enough"" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.When the immediate situation has calmed down, _have you ever told him that this upsets you? _Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.Sending good luck to both of you!",that you feel crazy hearing your husband yell enough in response to you wanting to make point to himWhen the immediate situation has calmed down have you ever told him that this upsets you I empathize with your feeling crazy hearing
-I'm feeling different towards my husband. I feel I am growing from the relationship. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost five. I just don't feel that connection anymore. I feel nothing. I don't know why or if I'm just being irrational.,marriage,"Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it._When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking ""how come I don't feel the same anymore?""Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in!The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say ""do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?"" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's?_Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love!Okay, now, you might read this and think ""that's not what's happening"". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly._I wish you happiness.", that youve stopped doing all those loving things you used to do Lets talk to someone about your feelings Talk to your partner about this I wish you happiness I wish you happiness
-"I started dating a guy I met online. He told me that he registered sex offender but he didn't do anything. He took a plea to always register as sex offender and he did two years. That was more than two decades ago. Nothing on his record since. I always believe the past should be left in past. But my roommates, their family and my son are unforgiving. Should I forgive this man that I'm falling in love with or should I dump him? If I stay with him I will never see my family and granddaughter again.",family-conflict,"Thank you for your question. Trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken, or perceived as being broken, it takes a long time to repair. From what you shared, it sounds like your boyfriend took steps to correct the situation and has shown to be trustworthy since. Unfortunately, no matter how much we apologize for something we did or for something others perceive we did, there will always be those with hardened hearts and will not forgive. If you feel confident in your relationship, then trust your inner wisdom. We cannot control others but only ourselves. Respect your families wishes to remain in unforgiveness while at the same time, ask them to respect your wish to believe in him and be in this relationship. Good luck to you.",for your question Trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken or perceived as being broken it takes long to repair trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken or perceived as being broken it takes long to repair trust is a
-I am married to a beautiful lady. I love my wife with all my heart. We have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We also have 3 grandchildren. Now this event is tearing us apart. I want our family to be together and happy. It was a mistake from so long ago. My wife wants to leave and I don't want that to happen I love her so much. Please help me save my marriage. Even my 3 boys want us to work it out. They love us both and want our family together. Please give me some advice or hope. Sincerely heart broken.,family-conflict,"If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process.",is willing seek out a qualified couples therapist Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy Your relationship is repairable but you may need some qualified support in the process
-"My husband and I would've been married for five years come June 2016. Our infant daughter just had her birthday. Shortly before, he told me he wanted a divorce. He has four other children, three of which are from his first wife. He decided to end that marriage when his youngest was an infant. The children do not have a good relationship with him now. He has another child from a woman he was dating. He decided he didn't want to be with her anymore when the child was an infant.    It seems to me that there is a pattern. He easily detaches from relationships at the same time in the child's life but wants a relationship with them when they are older. I've tried to research online, but I'm not getting any answers. He also has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol and does not believe in mental health disorders such as depression and bi-polar disorder. He also does not believe in therapy or seeking help from professionals. Is there a detachment disorder or some form of mental block he could have? Where do you recommend researching this?",marriage,"This sounds really difficult and I can understand your motivation to get to bottom of why this behaviour has occurred - especially if your husband (who sounds like he is an ex-husband?) continues to have a relationship with you and your children. With that being said - relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking for. In order for someone to be diagnosed with a mental illness or in order for them to identify what leads them to fall into particular patterns in relationship - they would need to be willing to seek help and honestly talk about their challenges, something that you say your ex is not willing to do. _While it might be a relief to understand what is going on with him - it might be more comforting for you to get support for yourself in processing your feelings and everything that has come up for you as a result of his choices.",difficult to understand what is going on with him  especially if your husband who sounds like he is an exhusband continues to have a relationship with you and your children  relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking
-"I have been with my husband for almost 7 years. We got engaged a little after 5 years of being together. I had always been clear that I wanted to get married and I sadly would drop hints about how i wanted him to propose.  When he did propose it was during a random vacation that I had planned. I was happy but I couldn't help feeling disappointed too. I had told him numerous times before that I wanted him to do it in front of my friends and family. I know it sounds dumb to be upset but I couldn't help how I was feeling. We are now married but the wedding and ring were also far from what I wanted and it wasn't due to lack of funds. I know this is all material and the marriage is the most important thing but I cant help but get jealous and envious every time I see someone get a proposal or wedding that I had wanted. I cant help my anger because I know we only get one proposal and one wedding. What I wanted will never happen. I have been working on my feelings for the past year and half to get over it. I try to focus on our marriage but every time I see someone have the best proposals and weddings I get upset. I know it is selfish and I know its petty but I just can't control it. It's ruining our relationship because I constantly think about it. Plus, I get mad at him for small things because I am trying to hide the fact that I am so disappointed.  Why can't I move on?",marriage,"It's hard to let go of the dreams you had regarding your wedding and engagement. This was something that you and most women think about for years, so it's understandable to be disappointed. But please be aware that it is rare that any wedding is perfect. You may envy your friends' weddings but more than likely they had a few mishaps of their own and/or it wasn't as perfect as they had planned it either._However, like you know, the marriage is the most important thing. How many women are envious that you are in a happy, stable relationship? I assure you that there are plenty._Try to live in the present considering that dwelling on the past can still not change how you were proposed to or how your wedding day transpired. Focus on what you can control NOW. Perhaps, you can plan an extravagant renewal of your vows or change the look of your ring?I would also be upfront with your husband and explain why you've been short lately. But after that, close that chapter and move on. It sounds like you have a wonderful companion and you certainly don't want to lose this due to a situation that is impossible to change.",that you are in a happy stable relationship You may envy your friends weddings but more than likely they had a few mishaps of their own Try to live in the present considering that dwelling on the past can still not change how you were proposed to or how your wedding day
-"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
-   I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?",relationships,"It is not the case of being right or wrong, in my view. If you are asking, I believe you truly_care for your boyfriend. It seems like he is having difficulties in establishing trust in this relationship. The ideal would be to come closer to his upsetness and to show him that you are there for him. I hope all goes well. Rossana Mag.", I hope all goes well Rossana Mag I hope all goes well Rossana Mag
-"My husband and I have been together since high school. We have been married going on for nearly ten years, and we have three beautiful children. A few weeks ago, my husband decided he need some time apart and moved over to his dad_ for a while. He comes home to see the kids and acts like there is not too much wrong. Can this marriage be saved or is it too late? He said he would go to counseling, so I don't think he has given up.",marriage,"While it would be impossible for me to say whether your marriage can be saved it sounds like you are both willing to give it a try and to get professional support. With appropriate professional support for your relationship a lot is possible. I'm not familiar with the resources available in Jackson but I'm sure there are some good local couple therapists and there may be some agencies that specialize in couple counselling and family therapy._So often the challenges that we have in relationships result from rather small habits in relating that lead to greater feelings of distress, loneliness, anger and resentment. I commend your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children. The following links provides more information regarding common behaviours that predict staying together or separating_and also videos and other resources that can help you get started._Wishing you and your family all the best on your journey of healing and discovery.",and your children Thank you for your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children
-"I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I_ a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I_ beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I_e been happily married for almost 35 years.
-   I_e never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?",depression,"Let me start by saying there are never too many concerns that you can bring into counselling. In fact, most people who come to see me for counselling have more than one issue they would like to work on in psychotherapy and most times these are all interconnected. In counselling, we work together, collaboratively, to figure out which issues you would like to address first and then together we develop an individualized plan of care. Basically, it_ like a road map of where you want to go, how are you going to get there, looking at stopovers, some scenic routes others possibly not so scenic, however, necessary. Of course, these plans can also change due to internal (what we have control over like our thoughts, feelings and behaviours) or external reasons (those things that are outside our control). I would encourage you to take the next step and reach out to a professional you can trust and build rapport with by co-journeying through whatever concerns you have by examining what has been working so far as you have learned to cope with some of your issues like insomnia, depression and anxiety, as well as being a breast cancer survivor. Then to help you by developing new coping strategies. Psychotherapy can be such a powerful tool to help you get to where it is you want to be. I know you can do it and you will see first-hand how psychotherapy will help you to move past these points in your life where you are feeling stuck._I like to quote Nike where their motto is,__ust do it.__ou can do it.",you have learned to cope with some of your issues like insomnia depression and anxiety as well as being a breast cancer survivor I would encourage you to take the next step and reach out to a professional you can trust and build rapport with Psychotherapy can be such a
-I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.,social-relationships,"Staying present is an attitude most of us aspire
-to, and most of us have to work at it_ertainly at first. I_ here to tell you
-that living in the now or being mindful is a skill anyone can learn. Unfortunately,
-the only way to do it is to do it. What a paradox! But there are plenty of
-other skills that we are not born with: walking on stilts, riding a bike,
-swimming, and driving a car are good examples. You can_ learn them by reading about
-them.Having said that, I can recommend two books on
-the subject: Eckhart Tolle_ The Power of
-Now and David Richo_ When the Past
-is Present. Richo asks that we don_ beat ourselves up about dwelling on
-past events. This is nature_ way of reminding us that we have unfinished
-business. But while we are attended to the wounds and confusion that litter our earlier lives, we can prepare to inhabit the expanded present that awaits us.He offers three helpful steps to making any important life
-change:Step One: Hold in awareness the behavior,
-belief, attitude, or characteristic you want to change in yourself and how you
-want to be different. Awareness is the opposite of distraction and stuffing.Step Two: Live as if you have
-already made the change. (This is hard and takes courage, but you can do it.
-Ride that bike_ven if for a foot or two.)Step Three: Be persistent.
-(Practice, practice, practice.)Just as two-year-olds are able to walk
-confidently after hundreds of hours of practice, you_l be able to stay in the
-here and now as long as you want after trying and failing many, many times.", practice practice practice and now as long as you want after trying and failing many many times to living in the now or being mindful is an attitude most of us aspire to and most of us have to work at it
-"I have a relative who is in his twenties. He was in a drug rehabilitation program and got kicked out for using drugs again. No one informed family that he was using drugs again. He subsequently overdosed and was found dead.
- Is their accountability of counselors, therapists or the halfway house for not reporting that he had relapsed? Is there a legal case for failing to report?",addiction,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss._ This sounds like a really difficult situation for the whole family._ Since the answer to this question will depend a lot on the applicable state laws, I would suggest talking with a local attorney._ That being said, I see two competing issues here._ On the one side is the duty of confidentiality the counselors owed_to your relative._ On the other side is the duty the counselors had to act reasonably to protect your relative from harm._ Generally there is not a requiremt for substance abuse treatment centers to notify family members if an adult client relapses.A local attorney will be able to provide more specific guidance on the legal obligtions and liabilities in this situation.",your loss Im so sorry to hear of your loss This sounds like a really difficult situation for the whole family On the one side is the duty of confidentiality the counselors owed to your relative On the other side is the duty the counselors had to act reasonably to
-They discontinued treatment for no apparent reason after they thought to diagnose me with schizophrenia.,legal-regulatory,"The general rule against medical abandonment_says thst whenever healthcare providers discontinue treatment with you when you still need it, they are legally required to make sure that you have access to another provider of equal or higher ability.In this case, if your treatment team decided to discontinue your treatment based on a diagnosis of schizophrenia, they still will likely be required to provide you with a referral to someone who can provide you with treatment. If you haven't already done so, I'd recommend that you explicitly ask for a referral.", they are legally required to provide you with a referral to someone who can provide you with treatment If you havent already done so Id recommend that you explicitly ask for a referral
-"I had a dispute with my therapist regarding an appointment cancellation. Now, she is blocking me from seeing other psychologists at the same clinic (which takes my insurance), which is also where I get my psychiatric services. There is a strict 48 hour cancellation policy, and my appointments are at 3:00 on Tuesday. I called to cancel at 4:30 the previous Friday. I was late, so we contacted my doctor to tell her that I would be out of town. She said I could do a phone in session. The thing is we do double sessions.",legal-regulatory,"My recommendation would be to try to talk to your therapist about this _from your description, it sounds like you have a legitimate explanation for missing your scheduled session._Maybe if you could explain that to her she would be willing to work with you._If she is not willing to consider your explanation and if she is not willing to continue working with you, she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist.",to continue working with you she would be willing to work with you If she is not willing to consider your explanation and is not willing to continue working with you she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist
-How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?,professional-ethics,"There are typically three reasons why therapy is terminated:1) Client has met therapy goals2) Client is not progressing_3) Therapist is not a good fit for clientIn order to properly assess whether therapy is helping and what progress is being made, the therapist needs to have ways of consistently checking in with clients sessions-by-session to determine what is helping, what isn't, and where the client is at in relation to their original therapy goals. When a client has met their goals, that is a good time to end counselling sessions unless the client has new goals or simply wants to check-in periodically to make sure that they are still on track (sometimes referred to as relapse prevention)._When a client is not progressing, and feedback has been taken and attempts have been made to make the therapy more helpful for the client but to no avail, than it is considered unethical to continue to work with the client. In these circumstances, referring out to another therapist who may be a better fit is a good idea.",is helping and what progress is being made 3 Therapist is not a good fit for clientIn order to properly assess whether therapy is helping and what progress is being made the therapist needs ways of checking in with clients sessionsbysession to determine what is helping if a client
-"My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back.
-   I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.",professional-ethics,"I'm sorry to hear that this has_happened._Counselors are legally_and ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests._In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage of_a client financially._A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselor_pays it back) would_usually be considered to be taking advantage of the client.There are a few options you have at this point if_you can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let them_know what has happened.__An investigator will then look into the situation for you._ Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation.",that this has happened Im sorry to hear that this has happened Counselors are legally and ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests a counselor borrowing money from a client would usually be considered to be taking advantage of the
-"I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist.",professional-ethics,"It can be really frustrating to feel like your counselor is not providing you with the help you need.My recommendation in a situation like this would be to let your counselor know how you feel. Specifically tell Your counselor that you don't seem to be getting the amount of feedback you would like.If this doesn't help, then you might want to look for another counselor who will be a better fit for you.",that you dont seem to be getting the amount of feedback you would likeIt can be really frustrating to feel like your counselor is not providing you with the help you needMy recommendation would be to let your counselor know how you feel Tell Your counselor that you dont seem to be
-"Back in high school, my friend and I used to masturbate around each other. I hate even talking about it now because it's so weird. We didn't even realize how messed up it was at the time. One time, it escalated and we ended up doing it for each other. It wasn't supposed to be a gay thing, but it sure sounds like it now that I talk about it. I pushed this away until it recently came up in my head again. I'm having a lot of trouble.",human-sexuality,"Writing about your high school masturbation times with your friend, is itself a form of acknowledging the full picture of who you are. __You are doing well to reflect on your actions in the truthful way you are doing.Also positive is that you have perspective, that at your age and social maturity, you were innocently doing something that in adult terms, would be considered in a negative way.Maybe through your more mature mind's eye of today, you can feel some compassion and understanding for your high school self. _This way your sense of self-judgment may start to dissolve a little bit more.",selfjudgment may begin to dissolve a little bit more times is itself a form of acknowledging the full picture of who you are with your friend is itself a form of acknowledging the full picture of who
-I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. I_ unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?,military-issues,You should be able to get a replacement ID card either from the Personnel Office on your local base (the actual name of this office will vary depending on which branch of the military it is). You may also be required to go to the Military Police or Security office on base to report the loss of your old ID card.,the Military Police or Security office on base the actual name of this office will vary depending on which branch of the military it is and you may be required to go to the Military Police or Security office on base to report the loss of your old ID card
-"After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.",self-harm,"Hello, and thank you for your question. This is a very serious time. I don't mean to frighten you, but you are right to be concerned. The time right after people leave the hospital after receiving psychiatric services is a time of high risk for suicide. It is very important, after hospitalization,_to get_follow-up care with a professional as soon as possible. If your husband has an established therapist, this is the time to call. It is also a good time to alert your support system of friends, family, clergy or others to let them know he is still struggling. This is good support for him AND you.It is important to think about means and opportunity to make another attempt. Means really do matter._ So, if you have a firearm in the home, it is really important to remove it. You can't remove all things that a person may hurt themselves with, but some things are more lethal than others. Firearms are very lethal. I am not sure what means he used last time, but try to reduce the opportunity for him to access it again. This is where your support system can help out. People can take turns hanging out with him until you are sure the crisis is over.If you believe that an attempt is going to occur, talk to your husband about going back to the hospital. If he refuses, you will want to find out what your options are to have him go even if he doesn't want to. I know the thought of that really hurts, but it can save his life. Calling 9-1-1 is always_a_good option if you are not sure. Usually a suicide crisis, meaning they want to harm themselves right now, lasts a few minutes, hours or days. Sometimes when you get them through the crisis stage, they no longer want to commit suicide. But, as you are indicating, that feeling of wanting to commit suicide can come back again. So, it is always good to have a plan. If you want more information, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They will always answer: 1-800-273-8255. They can help you create a specific safety plan. I do hope things work out alright. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC", and you are right to be concerned Hello and thank you for your question This is a very serious time I dont mean to frighten you but you are right to be concerned Calling 911 is always a good option if you are not
-"How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.",diagnosis,"This is a great question, and I am happy to have the opportunity to explain my approach. When I am determining what type of personality a client has, I take my time and really absorb their lens/ point of view to themselves and others. Determining a personality type takes some time getting to know the person, and building rapport. After taking time to get to know them, and learning about their view they have of themselves and others, it is important to pick-up on more specific personality traits, which comprehensively contribute to a personality type. Clinicians, including myself, often witness certain traits that are enduring and consistent, which indicate a type of personality. For example, if a therapist is noticing that a client is exhibiting traits of organization, needing to be on time, planning, and perfectionism, these traits contribute to the ""type A personality""._In addition to utilizing clinical judgment, clinicians often use personality assessments and follow the guidelines of the DSM-5/ ICD-10.", and I am happy to have a chance to explain my approach a client has I take my time and really absorb their lens point of view to themselves and others Determining a personality type takes some time getting to know the person and building rapport
-Does counseling really do anything that can help people?,counseling-fundamentals,"Yes, Counseling provides an area for people to speak to an unbiased professional about their concerns to address their unique needs. While length of time varies, counseling is a process and can be done from as little as one session to multiple sessions. Counseling provide a safe, non-judgmental, empathetic atmosphere from a professional helper provide the service", Counseling provides an area for people to speak to an unbiased professional about their concerns to address their unique needs Counseling provide a safe nonjudgmental empathetic atmosphere from a professional helper provide the service
-"This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.",addiction,"You definitely want to make sure not to inadvertently create an inappropriate dual relationship with a client._In fact, it is not uncommon for state regulatory boards to determine that a clinician and client being in the same 12 step group is professional misconduct._You might want to consider attending a 12 step meeting that is located in a different community than the one you work in. _Another option would be to look for one-on-one or small group recovery support.",a clinician and client being in the same 12 step group is professional misconduct You might want to consider attending a 12 step meeting located in a different community than the one you work in
-"I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.
- My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?",lgbtq,"Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to consider_suicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's free_at_877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question.Be well....be YOU.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC", and thank you for your question I am so glad that you reached out for help Hello and thank you for your question I am so glad that you reached out for help I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle especially since you have limited support from people
-"When I ask him who he is talking to, he tells me no one. But, it sounds like he is holding a conversation with someone. I have even accused him of having a secret cell phone. I ask so much, I feel like I am losing it. Is he trying to make me question my sanity, or is he talking to himself?",relationships,"A rare topic & likely extremely troublesome for you... I would need to have more background information on the two of you before beginning to offer any insight. Feel free to email me.I would also like to add that aside from the reality of whether or not these conversations are actually occurring, as your partner, he should be just as concerned about something that is disturbing you to this level. _Partners need each others' trust and support, no matter who is right or wrong.",to share to share Partners need each others trust and support no matter who is right or wrong  likely extremely troublesome for you  likely extremely troublesome for you I would need more background information on you before
-"My boyfriend_ sneaky and puts his friends before me. He fights just to leave. One day, he's happy. The next, he's mean and blames me for everything. He can't admit faults. He thinks he's perfect and does no wrong.",relationships,"Hi, Ontario. I live in the other Ontario; in Canada. I'll try to help you sort this out. You have a long list of complaints about your boyfriend!_It sounds like he's maybe a bit immature and moody, and these things affect you, for sure. I get it._It's_got me curious, and if I was working with you, I'd want to know a lot more about how long you've been together and_what's actually working well between you two. I would also ask a lot of questions about the details of your description. What tells you he's 'sneaky'? Does he lie? How do you know he lies to you? Also, are you wanting to make things better with him, do you just want an ear to vent to, are you looking for validation, or do you hope someone will help you wake up to an unhappy situation? _It helps me if I know what you want.Whenever I meet someone who has a lot of complaints about their partner or boyfriend, I encourage them first to look at the language they're using. Some of your words tell me that you think you know what he's thinking (that he wants to fight so he can leave, that he thinks he's perfect). It's always tricky when we assume what someone's thinking, and in an argument or dialogue, these kinds of statements tend to lead to defensiveness and an escalated argument. I'd encourage you to focus on his actual behaviours and how they affect you, rather than the motives or beliefs you think are behind the behaviours (because you really can't know what he's thinking unless he tells you). As a general rule, the ""When you do X, I feel Y"" sentence goes far in helping others understand what we feel.So, it's fair to say ""when you lie to me, I can't trust you"", or ""when you end our date early to hang with your friends I feel like I'm not important to you"", or ""your mood swings are difficult for me"", or ""I don't seem to get apologies from you"". Try to focus on his actual behaviour when you talk to him about this stuff. A relationship counsellor can help you each understand the other better beyond the surface behaviours if you want to improve the relationship.That said, I have to ask...if you haven't been with Mr. Not So Great for very long, is it maybe time to rethink the relationship? Unless there is a balance of really loving and positive behaviours that you're leaving out, you don't seem happy. A good therapist can help you understand why you are stuck in an unhappy relationship, if that is what's happening._There's a lot to sort out here...how to communicate about your needs, how to know when to call it quits if something doesn't feel good... I wish you the best as you continue to examine these questions with assistance from friends or professionals.",you and you want to make things better with him Id encourage you to focus on his actual behaviour when you talk to him about this stuff a relationship counsellor can help you each understand the other better a relationship counsellor can help you each understand the other better
-"Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?",relationships,"We women really do tend to struggle with the comparison game. And Hollywood culture hasn't helped with romantic comedies and song lyrics telling us that when a man appears evasive, there's something to worry about._It's been my clinical experience though that most women value transparency and security in their relationships. So you might try sharing a little bit more about your history with this woman. For example:Where did you meet her?How long were you friends before you decided to call it quits?_Why don't you want to be friends with her (i.e., what do you mean by ""kind of crazy"")? I promise this tends to matter to women.Were you ever intimately involved with or even attracted to her?If your girlfriend can truly see that you view her as the filet mignon to the other woman's hamburger, and that she is your favorite person on the planet and has NOTHING to worry about, she may start to come around.Now, IF she's more concerned that you might be taking this woman's calls behind your back, while I'm not typically a huge fan of sharing passwords or phone records, you might print them off and highlight this female's number and show your girlfriend that you absolutely are telling the truth.And if you really want to step it up, I would be intentional about doing all the little things that you know your girlfriend loves that helped make her fall in love with you in the first place (e.g., little love notes for her to find or sweet text messages, buy a rose or her favorite flower, have her car detailed, do the laundry...date nights...you get the idea). _Bottom line - show your girlfriend why out of all the women on the planet that you could be with, you CHOSE HER. _And would continue to do so all over again. _AND why you love HER as a person. _This will help her trust what you're saying._Best of luck to you! _Tamara Powell, LMHC", share your history with this woman your girlfriend why out of all the women on the planet that you could be with you CHOSE HER Show your girlfriend why out of all the women on the planet that you could be with you CHOSE HER And would continue to
-"I'm in a relationship, but I feel like I'm always putting more into it and not getting reciprocated. My ex told me that I will never find anyone else, and that's lingering in the back of my mind.",relationships,"The most crucial key to any relationship is that mutual feeling you hold between you both: that you matter. Sounds like you are stuck in a cycle of hearing your ex say you don't matter. That's why it didn't work with him btw. He wasn't reflecting to you that you mattered. However it ended, clearly though that's the sentiment that's lingering with you. So here you are hanging around a new man why is telling you the same message. Move on. You aren't unworthy, you just haven't found a man who is worthy of you!_To be worthy of you, he must see your worth. Often though before anyone else can see your worth, you have to believe it.", you havent found a man who is worthy of you You arent unworthy you just havent found a man who is worthy of you To be worthy of you he must see your worth To be worthy of you he must
-"My girlfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together numerous times in the past two years. We recently just broke up again last night on New Year_ Eve. When we break up, the very next day, she calls me and acts as if nothing has happened. She acts like everything is alright. This has been going on for two years. I do love her and care about her and her children a lot, but she seems really demanding as far as what she deserves from a man. She is always telling me that she deserves this and that from a man. It makes me feel like crap because I cannot give her everything that she wants. She told me one time that she wants a man who is going to be afraid to lose her. Is that a normal thing that women want, or should I just move on already? I am in my 30s and she is in her 40s.",relationships,"Love is not enough to keep a relationship together.The people need to get along happily too.Let's start with knowing more about your happiness in being with your partner.The frequent break ups happen for a reason. _Try understanding more of why you go back together again.You state a few very clear reasons to not continue this relationship, such as ""feeling like crap"" and not liking that your girlfriend hopes her _partner will feel afraid to leave her.Trust your intuition telling you that these feelings matter.Sometimes men aren't sure whether following their instinct is a right action to take.It is.Also, hoping a partner will fear losing them, shows a wish to control a person.Control has nothing to do with love and trust, and these are basics of a relationship.Good luck!",is not enough to keep a relationship togetherLove is not enough to keep a relationship togetherSometimes men arent sure if following their instinct is a right action to takeControl has nothing to do with love and trust and these are basics of a relationship
-"My boyfriend moved in with me a few months ago. I love him, but his dog is wrecking my house. Every day we get home, there is a huge mess on the floor, and several things will be ripped up (including the couch). He's slowly eating all of the doors, and there will be food and poop everywhere. Even though I come home during all of my breaks to take him out, he still poops and pees in the house every chance. I can't financially afford to have the dog wrecking my house. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about the dog to try and come up with a solution, but it never ends well. The dog is the only thing we fight about because I want him out of the house and my boyfriend doesn't want to see him go. It_ not the dog fault though; I understand that. The dog is only a year old, and he isn't a bad dog. He's just too big of a dog for where he is; he should be a farm dog instead of a town dog. I don't hate the dog, but I just can't afford to continue having my house torn to pieces.",relationships,"Every living creature needs time and support to adjust to a new situation.The dog is in a new place without the ability to understand the reason. _This may explain what sounds like the dog's agitation. _Have you spoken with your boyfriend on his opinion on how to address the dog behavior problems?Finding an answer together would be a good way of making your relationship stronger. _A_lot of being a couple who live together is talking, listening and deciding together on how to handle major situations.If it is affordable, then a dog behaviorist may be of great help. _The person would guide you in working with the dog to become calmer.",A lot of being a couple who live together is talking listening and deciding together on how to handle major situationsFinding an answer together would be of great help The person would guide you in working with the dog to become calmer
-"I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do.",relationships,"It is extremely frustrating when our significant other doesn't understand our points of view. Often times, arguments are not the best opportunities to try and make a point, as strong emotions can get in the way of understanding others' perspectives._Try having a discussion with him about what is bothering you during a time when neither if you are upset or arguing. Communicate how you feel without placing blame and without yelling. Addionally, give him ideas of what he can do differently so that he understands what your expectations are. Lastly, consider seeing a couple's therapist who can assist with teaching more effective communication techniques. Best of luck.",you feel Communicate how you feel without placing blame and without yelling Addionally give him ideas of what he can do differently so that he understands what your expectations are Best of luck
-"My ex-boyfriend, will not stop harassing and stalking me. We work together. I honestly think he needs help to move on. His accusations are angry lies. But I think he may believe them to be true.",relationships,"The specific laws about this will vary from state to state. _Generally, the only way to ""force"" someone to get mental health care is if they pose an imminent theft of harm to themself or someone else, or if they are unable to care for themself. _More importantly, is dealing with your safety. _Most states have laws that make stalking a crime. You might want to think about filing a police report and obtaining a restraining order against him. _You could also think about contacting a local counselor. While you can't force him to get help with moving on from the relationship, counseling could help you to deal with what is going on.",to get mental health care You might want to think about filing a police report and obtaining a restraining order against him You could also think about contacting a local counselor
-Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.,relationships,Your partners obviously very confused when it comes to love. Sometimes people shy away from good and positive relationships and companionship because their afraid. They know that it's something worth holding on to but most feel they can't handle it and can't meet up to their partners expectations. Your partner loves you but must have fear that keeps standing in his way. It could also mean their afraid of getting hurt or disapointed in the long run. _Give your partner comfort and reassurance that they can come to you to confide in you about anything that may be bothering them., Give your partner comfort and reassurance that they can come to you to confide in you about anything that may be bothering them
-Why am I attracted to older men?,relationships,"What a wonderful question!Good for you on clearly knowing your priorities.If I was sitting with you now, I'd ask you to list your reasons.Start with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little further.If, for example, you feel you need a man because many of your friends are in relationships, then possibly you feel insecure about being your unique self, even when this sets you apart from your friends.If, you feel you need a man to protect you financially, then possibly you've lost faith in your ability to financially support yourself.If you'd like a man in your life to offer your love and are willing to contribute the work of relating intimately, then you've found the best reason for wanting a man in your life.This is far different than ""need"".",your prioritiesWhat a wonderful questionGood for you on clearly knowing your prioritiesIf I was sitting with you now Id ask you to list your reasonsStart with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little furtherIf for example you
-What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.,relationships,"As a relationship therapist I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another and almost always find that the origin of these feelings point back towards childhood._How did you caregivers express (or not express) love towards you? How did they express (or not express) love towards one another. These early messages become your template for how you have learned to see yourself and what you expect from others._In his book_Wired for Love,_Stan Tatkin, PsyD writes__e learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people. _This could be very fruitful to explore in individual therapy with a relationship therapist who really gets it, you may have to interview a few to find the right fit; that's OK. Maybe you'd even want to read that book I linked above. :) Noticing this_pattern_is HUGE, it's where transformation begins. And now that you have be kind with yourself, it begins there too.", its where transformation begins And now that you have be kind with yourself it begins there too I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another How did you caregivers express or not express love towards you How did they express 
-"However, it seems as though he is really talking to someone other than himself. I have even accused him of having a secret phone. Is he trying to make me crazy on purpose, or is he really talking to himself?",relationships,"Some people simply talk to themselves as a way of processing information. Have you checked in with your husband about this in a non-accusatory way? Something like ""Hey babe (or whatever sweet name you typically use), I'm so curious what that's all about? Do you notice that you are talking out loud?"" Chances are it's just how he thinks things through and is not at all about trying to make you crazy, it's just one of his quirks you'll grow to endear. Early married life is a time full of discovering one another's quirks!",youll grow to endear Early married life is a time full of discovering one anothers quirks
-"My girlfriend's grandma passed away 5 months ago. They were very close. She took care of her till she died. Things kinda returned to normal few weeks later. Last month it feels like we hit a brick wall. Intimacy fell off. I asked what's up. She says she can't connect with anyone and that it's not me. She used to be very open and expressive. Now she gives short answers and has no interest in sex or any touching. When we did have sex in the last month, something felt really off. Now I'm very insecure about us and have thoughts of her cheating. She says otherwise, but I don't know. It just feels like something is really off.",relationships,"Grief has a huge impact on us and everyone's reaction is different. The one common reaction however is to shut down and distance ourselves. Her relationship with her grandmother was close, given she took care of her up until she passed. It sounds like she is working through a difficult loss and her ability to connect with you, or anyone else, is likely low right now. Trust what she is telling you and try to be there for her as she works through it. If she finds it too difficult to connect again, a good grief counselor can help her get back on track.",is working through a difficult loss and her ability to connect with you or anyone else is likely low right now a good grief counselor can help her get back on track If she finds it too difficult to connect again a good grief counselor can help her get back on track
-"He's been losing feelings and he doesn't know why. I love him very very much. He sometimes thinks I'm obsessed when I'm not at all. I give him his space and I make sure he's okay but sometimes I think if me and him saw each other more it would be better? I truly want me and him to get better, it's kind of hard not to stress about it, because the love of my life is losing feelings which is a sad feeling. He's a great guy! I just don't know why he's been losing feelings towards me. He's starting to put less effort in talking to me. At this point I'll do anything to just make us better as a couple. I tried talking to him but he doesn't like talking about it much. Advice on what to do?",relationships,"I'm willing to bet that this isn't what you are hoping to hear, but I'd suggest giving him space. Ooph, that's a tough one, right?! I know. But here's the thing, when you keep trying to process and talk it out with him you keep pushing him away. He needs to feel like a solid and whole person (as you do too) to be able to be fully in your relationship. It's the work of being in relationship to learn this. I get that this is tough stuff. I wonder, outside of being with him, how do you soothe and calm yourself? That's the stuff for you to tune into and focus on right now.",to be fully in your relationship He needs to feel like a solid and whole person as you do too to be fully in your relationship Its the work of being in relationship to learn this I wonder outside of being with him how do you soothe and calm yourself
-"I have been with this guy on and off for 8 years. At first, we used to do things together and our sex life was ok. Then things started to change, we'd break up and reconnect, and he cheated on me numerous times. We've also had two beautiful baby girls during this time. Now we argue and he says I am not affectionate at all or I don't know how to please a man, when I work part-time, take care of a 2 year old and a 5 month old and cook. Sometimes he cooks, but he also spends a lot of time on the internet. In addition, I have 2 boys and he has 1 son. I feel somewhere I have lost something. It's not that I don_ care, I truly love this guy, but I'm just tired of being the one who is always being judged. Please, I am in need of a Christian counselor to help us because I really need to speak to someone.",relationships,"I don't think you_e lost something, I think you_e found something - your breaking point, and it's about time. Your boyfriend seems to be a very selfish and immature man who reconnects with you when it's convenient for him. Obviously, he has his own issues, but I want to address yours. I agree you need to talk to someone. The fact that you_e put up with his repeated cheating and then letting him blame you for it (by saying you're not affectionate enough, etc.), tells me you probably have low self-esteem and have likely told yourself over the years that you don't deserve any better. You do! You may truly love this guy, but based on his behaviors, he does not love you, not in the way you deserve. _And although you may want to believe he can change, he has proved over and over again that he's not willing to, so you need to do what is best for you and your children. What would you tell your daughters if someone was treating them this way? Would you want your sons to treat women this way? That's what you're teaching your children when they see this.Like I said, I agree that you should talk to someone. You can ask your boyfriend to go too, but my guess is he won't. Even if he does, you should still see someone individually to work on YOU. I understand it's not easy to just kick him out, especially since you have children together, but a counselor can help you talk through all the details while_helping you raise your self-esteem and self-worth.", but he doesnt love you not in the way you deserve I agree that you need to talk to someone You can ask your boyfriend to go too but my guess is he wont a counselor can help you raise your selfesteem and selfworth
-"Me and my girlfriend just broke up. She said she loves me but is not in love anymore. This came out of nowhere. We seemed so happy together. It all started when she went to Missouri to visit her family. The first week she was there she was fine then once she went to this one sister_ house everything changed. That's when she told me she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I thought maybe it was just because she missed her family and she just wanted to be home because she told me that she could not leave them again. Then she told me to come to her in Missouri. So that's what I did. I quit my job I dropped everything, said goodbye to my family in Florida and drove 15 straight hours to be with her. Once I got there everything was fine again. _She apologized for everything and said she didn't mean any of it then we were good for about a week. Then she went back to saying she didn_ love me anymore and had no feelings for me. The only thing that really gets me and makes me not want to accept this is that now she is pregnant. This wasn_ an accident. We were trying to get pregnant, so all this is hard to accept. I love her so much. I have never been bad to her. I've treated her the best I can. I wanted her to be my wife. I was going to propose to her when she got back. Now I'm losing my family and my mind. I don't know what to do.",relationships,"I am sorry to hear of these troubles. I see a few issues here. I wonder why you were both trying to get pregnant when the relationship seemed troubled? Some people think that they can fix a broken relationship by getting pregnant, and all this does is bring up more problems.You say you never treated her badly, and I believe you. People in a relationship can still be unhappy even when there is no abuse or mistreatment going on. In fact, giving too much of yourself to the relationship and not having a _elf outside of this relationship can be unhealthy. It takes two whole, healthy, happy people who are that way when they are single to come together to make a whole, healthy, happy couple in a relationship. Expecting your partner to meet all your needs or to provide your happiness is not going to work.There are two books that I recommend you buy and read. One is Codependent No More. The other is Can My Relationship Be Saved?Sometimes when you cling and try even harder to hold onto someone, it makes you both miserable. You cannot change her and cannot change her mind. Sometimes the best thing is to let go. If it is meant to be, you will end up back together again. It seems like this is something that she needs to decide since she is the one that keeps doing the leaving. I suggest backing off and letting her go. Maybe she needs time to clear her head and make up her mind. If it is meant to be, she will come back. If not, use this time to work on being a healthy happy you on your own.", I am sorry to hear of these troubles I wonder why you were both trying to get pregnant when the relationship seemed troubled Some people think that they can fix a broken relationship by getting pregnant and all this does is bring up more problemsI wonder why you were both trying to get
-"I want us all to get along, but feel that I am not being respected. Of course I do have some insecurities because he was with his ex for 8 years. He wants to see his step daughter and ex makes it so he has to go there to see her, but she doesn't want me around. She has a boyfriend, but mine fixes their vehicles, goes over once a week and hangs out with the ex and does family things with her. Since he works nights, I only see him parts of Friday-Sunday and we live together. He won't let me use his phone when I forgot mine, says his ex used to mess with it. I don't think he's cheating, but he will lie about what time he actually left her place to come home or about going over early to be with them. I feel like the other woman. She has tried to mess with holiday plans by restricting when he can see the child. He only dated once person before her, so this could be why. I don't feel he has let go enough. He is a wonderful boyfriend other than this.",relationships,"How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him?The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship.The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner.There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex.Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily.A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised.",with your boyfriends way of handling himself regarding his ex have you told himWhat about your unhappiness with your boyfriends way of handling himself regarding his ex have you told himThe good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partnerThe good news
-My boyfriend can't get over my promiscuous past. He says he loves me but says the thought of my past is disgusting and a sexual distraction. He says he should have had more sex with different people. I don't know how to handle this.,intimacy,"I am sorry to hear of your relationship struggles._One thing I wonder is did you volunteer the information about your past or is this something that he asked about? In the future, it is probably best to leave details out of conversations like this. I think it is common and natural for partners to ask about the sexual history. For one thing, it is a good idea to be checked for STD_ before entering into a sexual relationship with someone, and it is fair to share that information with each other. Partners usually want to know how many you have been with and what kind of sexual preferences you have or if there is anything you don_ like to do. This gets into a gray area for some people. I don_ necessarily want to know how many people my partner has been with and I certainly don_ want a whole lot of details. Sometimes that is an image I just don_ want in my head about my partner. Vague details are usually enough.However, I understand that your partner has the details and is not happy with your past. This is a reflection on him, not you. This shows insecurities on his part. You cannot control how he will react to information that you provide to him and you cannot control how he feels about the information. The past should remain in the past and not be held against you in the present or future. If he cannot handle your past then it is going to cloud your relationship. You can offer couples counseling to him and see if he will go with you. I have seen relationships recover from some very serious problems such as infidelity. It takes two people who both want it to work to make it work though._If your boyfriend cannot get over your past, you may have to let him go. Don_ keep yourself tied to someone who is not right for you. Constantly holding your past over your head and holding that against you is only going to bring you down and eventually you may start having insecurities or low self-esteem due to this type of treatment. I don_ see that you have done anything wrong. If you aren_ cheating on him now and you answered his questions about your past honestly, how he handles that information is on him. Ultimately, relationships have a tendency to come and go. Don_ fight to hold onto someone who is not right for you. It is okay to be single and enjoy being the best you that you can be. In time, the right person for you will enter your life.", You cannot control how he handles your past Holding your past over your head is going to cloud your relationship Don_ fight to hold onto someone who is not right for you Ultimately relationships have a tendency to come and go Don_ fight to hold onto someone
-"My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face.",family-conflict,"How someone feels when they forgive another, is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong, who was responsible for what in the situation, and clarity on their own motivation, actions, emotions including pain, regret, resentment, sadness.These steps ideally allow a new door to open in order to develop new paths in the existing relationship or accept that this will not be possible due to either person's way of handling themselves.The long answer would be that you're not yet through with this process.I commend you on being truthful with yourself about yourself.You're on the right track by expecting to feel resolved when you've reached resolution, and not before.Finding patience with the unpredictable amount of time needed to thoroughly examine all the details of the incidents you mention, sometimes is a frustration of its own.Keep up your good work of knowing your own life.It is a worthwhile endeavor!",when they forgive another is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong who was responsible for what in the situation and clarity on their own motivation actions emotions including pain regret resentment sadnessI praise you on being truthful with yourself about yourselfI
-"My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?",parenting,"You can ""move on and not live in the past"" in the context of your ex-relationship, but that does not mean moving on from your child. ""Moving on"" then would involve accepting the end of the relationship and developing a civil relationship with your ex-partner as far as is possible for the sake of your child's development.Generally, it's good for a functional (non-abusive) parent to spend time with his/her child, but only insofar as that doesn't cause your child unnecessary stress. That requires the two adults to act like adults with each other for the sake of their child.What's confusing for children is seeing their parents act uncivilly or manipulatively. Children also do well with routines so regular dependable visitation is preferable to random visitation or, worse, not following through on commitments.But if one person is exploiting their child to harm their ex-partner, then visiting your child in that context may be stressful to him/her (depending on what you mean by using your child as a pawn). When dealing with a hostile ex-partner, your first challenge is to negotiate rules and boundaries with your ex-partner about appropriate behavior for the good of your child. If you cannot come to an agreement, a counselor can help mediate a conversation. If that's not an option, then it may be possible to turn to family court to stipulate visitation rules (for which you'd have to consult with an attorney).",your child You can move on and not live in the past in the context of your exrelationship but that does not mean moving on from your child Moving on would involve accepting the end of the relationship and developing a civil relationship with your ex
-"I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. I_e been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. I_ paranoid about driving on main roads. I_ very jumpy at the slightest noises.",anxiety,"Given the description you have posted here, it may be time to find someone to work with. _First and foremost, look into working with someone who specializes in working with individuals with challenges surrounding drinking. This would need to be assessed first since if it has been ongoing, it may be making the situation worse and given the time it has been utilized as a coping mechanism, there is reason to believe that the structure of your brain may have been effected as has been demonstrated by current neurological research. _There are however, ways to address this. _As for coping mechanisms, the person you work with should also look at offering you alternatives such as the skills found within the Dialectic Behavior Therapy model (DBT) which has several useful tools to help address the underlying anxiety and difficulty managing emotional regulation. _Mindfulness, another component of DBT should also prove to be useful in both becoming aware of your state of mind and emotional state to allow you to make different choices which has been supported by a growing body of evidence. _There are also other tools designed to help repair damaged relationships. _Well worth looking into.Seeking help is never easy and it is only human to be hesitant given some of the cultural views of working with therapist. _This is a difficult place to be in and one that is not easy to move out of, but sitting on it is not going to help it go away. _Think of it this way, if you broke your arm, would you just wrap it up and hope for the best? or seek out a professional to help you set the break and teach you how to mend the wound. _The same applies here. _Think of it as first aid for the mind.", it is not easy to move out of but sitting on it is not going to help it go away Think of it this way if you broke your arm would you just wrap it up and hope for the best or seek out a professional to help you set the break and
-"Recently, I had a close call after delivering my second child (blood clot followed by internal bleeding and several blood transfusions). It was a close call. I am currently undergoing medical treatment because of the event, and I am constantly afraid the whole ordeal will happen again. I have never really had anxiety in the past, but I find now that it consumes my every day and night. With two beautiful children to raise, I am most terrified of not being able to raise and protect them.",anxiety,"Hi Meriden, it's natural that after a serious scare like that you would have some anxiety and fear. This fear is helpful to some extent, because it will assist you in taking care of yourself and not taking unnecessary risks with your health. You can say ""thanks very much"" to fear for trying to protect you, and then you can take steps to reduce it. Right now, fear is working overtime and stealing your quality of life. You can work to put it into perspective.I invite you to imagine that your job is to convince fear that you don't need it screaming in your ear constantly in order to be as safe as you can be. Imagine that fear is in front of you. It's saying ""hey, you need me! If I wasn't keeping you alert, you would be very ill"". Fear doesn't trust you to take care of yourself._What is the evidence you are caring for yourself and doing everything you can to prevent a recurrence? What is the evidence that this won't likely happen again (it was specifically connected to the stress of labour, right?). What is the evidence from your doctor that this is unlikely to recur? What is the evidence that you are healing? What is the evidence that you are very aware of the danger and will respond quickly if there is a recurrence? What is the evidence that worrying about it will hurt you, not help you? How many hours of your life do you want to hand over to fear?Fear is trying to keep you safe, but you can turn the volume down by talking to yourself about all these things. I wish you well.",fear is working overtime and stealing your quality of life fear is working overtime and stealing your quality of life fear you that this is unlikely to recurrence you would have some anxiety and fear
-"My toddler defies everything I say and doesn_ see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.",anxiety,"Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens._Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter ""do this now"", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say ""let's get you dressed"", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says ""no"". You can say ""ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later."" The choice is hers. Then follow through.""When...then"" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try ""as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack"". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it._Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck!", your child and then at least you will feel in control of yourself to learn what the rules are and where her power is to learn what the rules are and where her power is Now is the
-"I'm a teenager, and I struggle with going out and talking to people. I feel awful about leaving home. I know I can't afford a therapist so I don't know what my problem is, but I think I might have social anxiety.",anxiety,"If you are noticing that anxiety tends to be triggered around interactions with others, then you may have social anxiety. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of the anxiety, develop tools for coping with it, and take steps that may alleviate it over time, so that you can enjoy your interactions with others. If you are short on money, there still may be options for you to be able to see a therapist. Check with your insurance provider about your behavioral health coverage. If you have medicaid/apple care, there are some private practice therapists who accept this form of insurance, as well as community clinics which do. If you are not insured, some therapists and clinics will work on a sliding fee scale, and accept either low fee or may even work with you pro-bono (for free).", and take steps that may alleviate it over time Check with your insurance provider about your behavioral health coverage Some private practice therapists accept this form of insurance as well as community clinics which do If you are not insured some therapists and clinics will work on
-"I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I_ an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.",anxiety,"While anxiety can come about for many reasons, trauma is definitely one of the factors that makes anxiety a possibility both immediately following a traumatic event and later in life. When we have experienced such scary violations of our bodies - we may experience residual effects of fear for many years to come. This is normal, natural and in many ways helpful - at least initially. This fear is in some way a sign that your body/mind is taking good care of you - trying to keep you on your toes in order to protect you from anything terrible happening to you again. However, as it sounds like you know, anxiety feels awful and there are certainly ways of learning to reduce anxiety. In order to get the tools you need to manage anxiety and also understand where it comes from and how it works in your life, I would encourage you to seek professional help and check out anxiety resources online.", and how it works in your life I would encourage you to seek professional help and check out anxiety resources online
-I feel like my time is going too fast,anxiety,"Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to ""live life to the fullest""! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further!",for reaching out Thank you for reaching out Thank you for reaching out That is a great question As an American I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe
-"When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I_ afraid it_ going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.",parenting,"Watching children go through challenges in their lives is difficult. On a very basic level, There exists a primal need to protect them from harm. The hard part for parents is letting them feel those challenges and working through them as they get older. At some point, there is a moment that occurs when the role as a parent shifts. Children no longer need the basics (food, shelter. water, safety) as much as when they were toddlers, but rather, their needs shift to wanting more support, encouragement, advice, and room to make mistakes. This is where the ability to communicate with them, letting them direct the sails to gather the wind needed to move, is so important. Keep the lines of communication open and be available to give feedback when they ask for it.", Children no longer need the basics food shelter water safety as much as when they were toddlers Rather their needs shift to wanting more support encouragement advice and room to make mistakes Keep the lines of communication open and be available to give feedback when they
-I feel like I have to be promiscuous in order to keep people around? It started after I got raped by my ex-boyfriend.,self-esteem,"I recommend that you seek professional services to address the trauma you experienced. EMDR has been proven to be very effective in treating trauma. In addition, a support group might be helpful to find a more stable support network. Either a support group for victims of rape or sex/love addiction www.sa.org sound appropriate. Whichever group resonates the most with you will be the most helpful._If you have any additional questions or concerns, please feel free to ask.",that you seek professional services to address the trauma you experienced EMDR has been proven to be very effective in treating trauma In addition a support group might be helpful to find a more stable support network
-"My husband_ ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband_ ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has ""repented."" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.",parenting,If the daughters are old & mature enough to understand substance abuse. _They should be told for their own empowerment. KNOWLEDGE is their power of safety and protection.,if the daughters are old  mature enough to understand substance abuse They should be told for their own empowerment KNOWLEDGE is their power of safety and protection
-Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?,parenting,"It can be tricky to figure out if a child is truly satisfied with his lack of friendships. Parents can usually tell when their child is happy. But kids who are unhappy may be masking disappointment, perhaps acting out their feelings in an aggressive manner. Others may internalize symptoms, appearing sad or withdrawn._A parent may learn a great deal by asking the teachers questions such as whether the child works with others on group projects or if he eats lunch alone. A parent can also talk with the recess supervisor about what happens on the playground, and whether your child stays on the sidelines of play, unsure of how to join the group._Therespectfully is a difference between kids who are shy but happy and kids who feel isolated because they do not know how to make friends. Itis not necessarily that there is something wrong with that child, but they will in fact need help and suggestions for breaking into a peer group_Ask a child if there is someone he would like to have over to play. If a mom or dad can make the play dates happen, or if they hit on an activity the child truly enjoys, the young person may begin to forge friendships on their own._I encourage well-meaning parents to choose words carefully. Use phrases like, ""Hey, I noticed something,"" or ""Let me help you be successful."" By showing respect, parents should feel more comfortable nudging their children beyond their comfort zone.When to seek professional help._When does isolation raise a red flag for long-term issues? True personality disorders are not typically diagnosed until adulthood. Still, professional counseling should be considered if the anti-social behavior is causing the child significant distress, perhaps keeping him from functioning in everyday activities. Also, parents should pay attention to how the child's social behavior changes over time such as social anxiety._The vast majority of children who define ""quality time"" as time alone are perfectly happy, healthy and normal. If the child is able to nurture at least one friendship, exhibiting what experts call ""social reciprocity,"" then parents can relax, and can cherish that child who enjoys the pleasure of his or her own company.", or if they hit on an activity the child truly enjoys the young person may begin to forge friendships on their own I encourage wellmeaning parents to choose words carefully Use phrases like Hey I noticed something or Let me help you be successful
-"For the last year, my adolescent son and daughter have been driving me nuts with fighting. I'm at my wits end. How can I get them to stop and get along?",parenting,"That is a good question. Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one. Kids fight for different reasons - wanting attention, wanting respect, feeling jealous, wanting space and to be left alone, or a whole bunch of other reasons. Regardless of the underlying motivations for fighting, most conflicts result from misunderstandings and assumptions about the motivations of others and one of the best ways to start figuring out what is going on is to sit them down and have some conversations with them._These conversations should be centred on getting a better understanding of why they are angry with each other and really understanding them. It is important that they each know that you are committed to understanding their experience rather than simply sitting them down and lecturing them about what they are doing wrong. The more they are able to understand each other and feel understood the more likely they will be cooperative and considerate of each other._One exercise for doing this that can be very helpful is ""active listening"" where one person speaks and the other person reflects back what they heard the other person say and then checks for understanding. This is hard to do but it often illuminates where the misunderstandings and assumptions are. If this doesn't work it may be time to get a family therapist or counsellor involved who can help facilitate dialogue and resolve conflict.", It is a good question Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one Kids fight for different reasons  wanting attention wanting respect feeling jealous wanting space and to be left alone or a whole bunch of other reasons Regardless of the motivations for fighting
-"She was raised by her abusive father and his wife. 30 years ago I shot and killed my rapist and was convicted in Louisiana. I lost custody of my daughter and served 5 years. When I was released, she was 5 and didn't remember me. Many many sad memories came from my having to leave her visit after visit, having to leave her in Texas to travel back to Louisiana. She doesn't remember that. I do. Over the years, I thought we had developed a close mother daughter relationship. She gave me good reason to doubt that on several occasions but especially last year. I have been cruel to her verbally and to my son who I met years after giving him up for adoption. Last night, I was angry at the world and afraid of God. I drank and cussed out a maintenance worker for not doing his job 4 months running. Now I'm not only feeling guilty for that but afraid of being evicted now. Help.",parenting,"Was either parent abusive or violent toward you?You sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in life.One point to consider is to strive for moderation in what you offer in relationships.A lot of what you've lived through is extreme, either as victim or perpetrator.If you imagine that apologizing to the custodian for the way spoke to him, would calm him down, do so.At the very least, you'll be actively resolving your guilt over cussing at him, and fear of his retaliation.",You sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in lifeYou sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in lifeOne point to consider is to strive for moderation in what you offer in relationshipsA lot of what youve lived through is extreme either as victim or
-My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.,self-esteem,"Hello!I write to respond to your recent inquiry for possible increase in self-esteem and positive behavioral change regarding motivation for a new job._First of all, please try to allow yourself some time for grief of the loss of your dear grandmother. It appears you were close to her in many ways and she had a great influence in your life. The grief process of anger, denial, despair and acceptance may be a part of what is keeping you feeling ""stuck"" in a cycle of not feeling motivated to find work at this time. _Perhaps your mind is constantly fighting this grief? Death can be a ""traumatic"" experience for some people and is considered a great loss, thus the grief process may continue to be a part of your world for a time but hopefully not keep you ""stuck"" on a long-term basis. _I would try to reach out to a counselor to discuss this grief process at a deeper level to discern whether her death is part of why you feel this way. _Grief and loss can also have an effect on your self-esteem. _Can you begin to see how this cycle is what you may be experiencing?_One positive I see is that you are continuing to look for a new job! _Take time to give yourself some credit for the _time you are spending looking for work. _Also, I would recommend you set some short-term goals first for example, make a list of 5-10 potential new employers and send them each your resume. Then followup the next week with an email or phone call to make sure the hiring manager or human resources received your resume and have any questions. _It is also a good idea to ask for ""informational interviews"" in order to get your foot in the door, so to speak.I hope that this information is helpful to you! _Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.Warmly,Denise", your inquiry for possible increase in selfesteem and positive behavioral change regarding motivation for a new job First of all please try to allow yourself some time for grief of the loss of your dear grandmother It appears you were close to her in
-"About 3 years ago or so I was skinny, but I was still ugly. I really do want to change that but I've tried 3 times. Now can I try but don't stop. At school I get bullied about my weight and my ugliness and I have been bullied my whole life that I believe them. How can I stop thinking about them and don't let it get in my head? My parents said I don't weight that much but, they do think I am fat but, they tell me I am not. I told my parents that I need to go to a therapist, but they think I am fine and I think they don't want to deal with it.",self-esteem,"Hey! _I am so impressed with your efforts to ask questions, to figure out how to change the messages that you hear (and say to yourself), and to get support! _And it sounds like you want to make some changes in your life! _Take a walk over to the counseling office at school, the school nurse or consider reaching out to your Pediatrician_ office. You don_ have to have your parent_ permission to seek support for yourself! _And maybe taking control of your support network will give you the strength to make even bigger decisions about your health! _I am rooting for you! _Be Wise!", I am so impressed with your efforts to ask questions to figure out how to change the messages that you hear and say to yourself and to get support I am so impressed with your efforts to ask questions to figure out how to change the messages that you hear and say to yourself
-I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.,self-esteem,"I also want to note that we, as a society, are especially judgemental about how women dress and present themselves. _I am sorry that this boy said something insensitive. _There is nothing shameful about your body and it was not your intention to ""display everything."" _It also wasn't his place to judge you._As women we are expected to be sexy in some situations and demure in others. _Men don't have the same range of societal expectations to navigate. _You didn't deserve his rudeness.", and it was not his place to judge you Men dont have the same range of societal expectations to navigate You didnt deserve his rudeness
-I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?,anxiety,"you can learn lots of skills/techniques to feel more confident in what you need to do that will decrease your anxious response for sure! :) And_ you can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention. You may find that ""talking"" to others through the internet is more comfortable and you are great at it, or that you love one on one talking but aren't really made for group talking. There is a place in this world for you either way! Public speaking skills can be practiced in speech class, or toastmaster group, they will give you practice in a safe environment where the cool kids or cutest boy aren't ready to laugh at you._ What topics are you interested in and what groups can you do a little speaking up? Maybe in your small group at church try and raise you hand to share your opinion, or maybe your Girl Scout troop? Look around for a peer and one adult who you like to hear speak out, ask them to share with you 2 things that help them feel comfortable speaking in public. Check out some Ted Talks and see how they share in groups. Social anxiety is a difficult concern and picking apart what is your awesome personality and what needs skill building and mindfulness/anxiety_ help are important steps. Good luck!",to work with your personality that may not like the attention You can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention You can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention You can also learn how to work with your personality that may not
-"I never feel like myself. I can_ even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I can_ remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I don_ know why I feel this way, but I hate it.",anxiety,"Hi Houston, Okay, something's definitely going on, right? My gut is to start with your family physician, because you have some physical symptoms. While it seems anxiety is a likely problem here, your doctor will hopefully know your history and can help you decide if you need some medical tests or some therapy. Without knowing more, that's all I can say at this point. Best of luck.", Houston Okay somethings definitely going on right Hi Houston Okay somethings definitely going on right Hi Houston Okay somethings definitely going on right Hi Houston Okay somethings definitely
-Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.,anxiety,"Your fear is somewhat reasonable. _No one wants to be raped and I imagine everyone is afraid of what being raped would feel like.Do you mean that this fear is on your mind more often than you would like?If this is the case, then try understanding the reason behind your fear.Is it because you personally know or know of someone who was raped? _One general direction of what would help is to regain confidence in your decisions of keeping yourself safe. _The more you trust yourself to avoid social situations with lots of drinking, isolated physical surroundings, and being in isolated locations with someone with whom you're not very familiar, probably your fear will decrease.The other general direction to understand is if in your family history, people have been violated severely, either emotionally, mentally, or physically.In families in which people have suffered severe violations of themselves, often the emotional patterning of expecting to be hurt by others, plants itself very deeply and transmits to the younger generation.Its possible then, that you are suffering from fears established in other family members who have not yet been able to fully understand and accept their own suffering.The good news is that individual therapy, with a credentialed and licensed therapist, is ideal for a safe place to open and clear this type of emotional burden.",that you are afraid of what being raped would feel likeI imagine everyone is afraid of what being raped would feel likeYour fear is somewhat reasonable No one wants to be raped and I imagine everyone is afraid of what being raped would feel like
-I have severe anxiety and have tried everything. Everything makes it worst.The only thing that helps is my emotional support animal.,anxiety,"Sorry to read of your suffering.Is it actually permitted that people are able to take support animals to school?I see your point of the animal helping you. _I just also see the point that some people have allergies to animal hair or dander, or may feel distracted by an animal in the classroom.You may end up feeling worse, if when you bring your support animal to school, that it disturbs people or interferes with the routines of the class.For your anxiety, I suggest some loving kindness toward yourself. _Be patient with yourself and that you have anxiety. _If you're able to accept that some situations create great discomfort for you, maybe you'll tolerate these difficult situation.Embrace your anxiety as part of you, basically, rather than trying to banish it, which because it actually is part of you, is impossible to achieve.In a way, I'm suggesting you become your own ""support animal"". _Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and see if you feel a little less stressed in school.",Be patient with yourself and that you have anxietyI see your point of the animal helping youI see your point of the animal helping youI see the point that some people have allergies to animal hair or dander or may feel distracted by an animal in the classroomI see your
-"I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?",depression,"Thank you for asking this important question. I find that there are three steps to getting ready for treatment._Step one is expressing interest in wanting to receiving treatment for the outcome of positive behavioral change. Congratulations you did the first step! You are showing your readiness to start counseling by asking this question._Now the second step is to find a counselor who specializes in treating clients with Anxiety and Depression. The therapeutic orientations I have found to be helpful in treating clients with _Anxiety and Depression are a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Mindfulness, and Solution Focused Brief Therapy. Receiving meditation for your symptoms if part of the treatment, and the other part is receiving counseling to increase your resilience for future events._Research has found that medication and psychotherapy treatments together shows the most effective outcome for Depression. _The third step is to increase your positive self-talk to motivate yourself to attend treatment. As counselors, we are aware of the anxieties and fears that are associated with talking to a new professional for the first time. However, remind yourself that you are doing this to improve your well being. I hope this was helpful, and good luck with your treatment journey.",to start counseling Thank you for asking this important question Congratulations you did the first step Step one is expressing interest in wanting to receive treatment for the outcome of positive behavioral change Step one is expressing interest in wanting to receive treatment for the outcome of positive behavioral change Step one is expressing
-"I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.",depression,"It is hard to make a definite diagnosis however I would say _that it could be and or a combination of depression, stress, PTSD, etc. _More background information would have to be needed. _One thing I would say is that you really need to seek guidance from a professional to work through these symptoms. _If what you described as a caged animal is released, all the crying, sadness, and controllable emotions will come out. _That would not be good when they do. _Get help before they do..",the symptoms Get help before they do Get help before they do Get help before they do
-"I've been feeling worthless, unaccomplished, and so frustrated. I want to break things, hit myself, run away, kick, scream, and cry. I just want to be happy and outgoing again. I want to be able to take care of my daughter and live comfortably.",depression,"Philadelphia, there is help out there. For your daughter's sake, start somewhere. Feelings are only that; your worst fears about who you are are only based on a few moments that haven't gone well. Depression is so treatable, but you have to seek treatment from a professional.Here's a quick exercise for you to do that can show you how therapy might work... fear is telling you the worst possible story of your life, right? So... if there was an opposite story...the very best story that someone could tell about you and your life...what would that be? Who would be telling it? Someone who loves you? Someone who was around you when you were that outgoing person? Someone who's been watching your life from the start? God? Write that best story. I dare you to give it as much credibility as the worst one._Therapy is often about helping people reject their ""worst stories"". I invite you to start exploring with a qualified therapist whatever barriers stand between you and your best life. I hope you reach out soon. :)", there is help out there For your daughters sake start somewhere Feelings are only that your worst fears about who you are are only based on few moments that havent gone well Depression is so treat
-My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.,depression,"Anxiety and Depression are challenging experiences to live with and to manage on a daily basis. I would say that both are challenges to overcome but solutions to living healthy and well exist. Step 1: Talk about it. With friends, family, partners, counselors, and other trusted people in your life. Step 2: Create a plan with a counselor to learn new skills that help you recognize and manage your symptoms. Step 3: Don't give up. Working on yourself can be difficult and hard at the beginning. Stick with it and you will be able to find exercises, tools, and resources that help you live well.",are challenging experiences to live with and manage daily Step 2 Talk about it Talk about it With friends family partners counselors and other trusted people in your life Step 3 Dont give up Working on yourself can be difficult and hard at first Stick with it
-"I always see the worst end of things. My boyfriend and I aren't talking, and I swear he's leaving me. I keep failing my road test, and I see my future crumble. I have no desire for friends. I pushed my best friend away after Christmas, and I have no desire to fix it or make new friends. My aunt died, and I cry all the time, even if I burn my lunch.",depression,"I really love that you're taking responsibility for your pessimism here. There's a modern parable about two young brothers. One child is in a room full of every toy you could imagine, and he's miserable; the other is in a room full of horse manure, and he's flinging it around with joy. So then someone comes and asks the first boy why he's so miserable, because he has so much. He says that he's missing the one toy that he really wants. Then the brother is asked why he's so happy in a room full of manure, and he says ""With all this sh-t, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!""Happiness is a state of mind, and I hear you saying that you used to be happy, so maybe this means you believe it's possible. That's a wonderful start.Research on depression shows us that it is very linked to pessimism. You say ""I always see the worst end of things"". That's pessimism. Life is like an elephant. If all you see is roughness, backup and walk around; the view will change._The key to optimism is to build your ability to see the bad things in life as 1. temporary (this will pass. I know how to fix friendships), 2. Specific (not involving the whole of your life), and 3. not your fault (tons of people fail road tests). On the flip side, it helps if we can see good things as 1. more permanent, 2. bleeding into other areas of our lives, and 3. something YOU created. Not taking credit for good things and blaming yourself for the bad ones is typical especially of women._The feelings you are having are temporary; you're in a slump and it's a good time to sit down and look at how you can make the picture look different. I think you know how; but you lack energy right now. If tackling this on your own isn't enough, a therapist can help you take that step back to look at the big picture and help you rebuild your natural resilience and capacity for joy. I wish you the best.", and youre taking responsibility for your pessimism here I love that youre taking responsibility for your pessimism here Theres a modern parable about two young brothers one child is in a room full of every toy you could
-"People have been calling me names, and I have had enough of it. I cannot stand it anymore I'm done. I have told someone this, and that is why I am writing this. The thoughts are awful.",depression,"It's sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and are feeling very criticized by others as well. I think it is great that you are reaching out and I can tell that you want this to change. Working with a competent therapist may be a good option for getting some more clarity about what is going on, developing ways to cope, and eventually getting relief from these overwhelming experiences.",that you are reaching out and I can tell that you want this to change Working with a competent therapist may be a good option for getting some clarity about what is going on developing ways to cope and eventually getting relief from these overwhelming experiences
-"They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?",depression,"Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are.if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem.Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having.""Crazy"" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not.Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem.Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors.",voices in your head is not usual for you then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you areif you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking then yes it is possible medication created your problemCrazy
-"A girl and I were madly in love. We dated for over a year and were even talking about marriage and future plans together. She moved away for school, and we attempted a long distance relationship. We eventually broke up. It's been a year now, and I still haven't lost my feelings for her. I still love her the same way I did. I've suffered from depression ever since the breakup and have been unable to connect with anyone else. It's damaging me and my life.",depression,"Hi Boise, I'm sorry that you've lost this love. The fact that you were planning marriage and a future tells me that you meant something very special to each other at that time. It's different now...you're not together anymore, but you can't accept this, right? Good for you for identifying that this situation is damaging your life. You've been grieving for longer than you were together. Oh, but really you've not been grieving...you're stuck still loving her instead of moving forward. Unrequited love is a recipe for eternal heartache. Let's look at some possible blocks to moving forward.It could be that there's something unfinished for you. Maybe you felt hurt and you didn't have the chance to say so, or you felt you hurt her and you didn't have the chance to make it right. Maybe there's a burning question you need to ask or something else you need to say. Maybe you want to tell her you've never stopped loving her, and see if she feels the same way. If this is the case, you have two choices, right? You can reach out and say what you need to say, or you can stop ruminating on that question and let it go. If you reach out, there's no guarantee it will go well or that she'll even respond. Maybe write her a letter and don't send it (or send it...it might be worth the risk). Use the next paragraph to help you decide._Do you know how she feels? How did it end? Did she end it? Was it ended just because of the distance, or are there more differences between you that didn't work? Sometimes people are so in love that they can't clearly see that the other person isn't in love with them anymore. Use the information you have about what she wants for her life...can you honour what she says she needs? If she's asked for distance, you would do well to honour that.A key to moving forward: look at your thoughts and where they're getting stuck. Write it down. What bad thing can happen if you let it go? Or ""If I move forward, that will mean..."" _Keep going...what would be the worst part of that? _This kind of exploring can help you identify your stuck place.It is possible that you've turned this ending into some kind of negative meaning about you or your future. As in ""If this person doesn't love me, then I'm unlovable"", or ""No one will ever love me as much as she did"". So your need to cling to her in your heart is your way of rejecting that negative message about yourself or the future. Can you find another way to reject that message? Try saying these things to yourself:I know she loved me. There is evidence of that.I was a good partner. There is evidence of that.It's part of life to fall in love and then have to move forward...I can do this and learn from it.Many people like me...that's how I know I'm lovable.It's normal to feel sad. I'm grieving a lost love.I want to move forward and not stare in the rearview mirror.I know more love awaits me if I can get fear out of the way.If this person loved me, others can too, (but not if I'm clinging to some old memory)These are the kinds of things a therapist would explore with you. I wish you well!", it or you felt hurt and you didnt have the chance to say so or you felt you hurt her and you didnt have the chance to make it right Use the next paragraph to help you decide if youre moving forward You can honour what she
-I am on my own with my daughter. I am so worried and stressed about her.,depression,"Your instinct to help your daughter, is natural.How you proceed depends a lot on whether she recognizes she has a psychological and emotional problem, or if only you see this from observing her.Also, her age matters a lot in what way would be most likely to succeed in addressing the problems you describe.If you and your daughter have different opinions as to whether or not she has problems, and she is above the legal age of when you have authority over her life, then you can only suggest to her that therapy may benefit her.If your daughter is in your legal control, then you can locate a counselor nearby, discuss your situation with that person, and depending on the outcome, you'd be within your parenting right to take your daughter to a counselor.Starting therapy without willingness to do so, is risky. _The person may feel resentful enough to not participate. _ And, sometimes the counselor is skillful enough to find a path to your daughter, or any patient's self-interest and engage them in therapy.Family counseling, regardless of your daughter's age, is another way to bring your concerns to your daughter's attention, in a therapy environment in which a counselor would be able to help distinguish the seriousness of your daughter's psychological problem, from simply a difference in viewpoints between you and your daughter, in how to handle certain situations.Also, if you believe your daughter is a threat to herself, then instead of this slower route, get in touch with the emergency psychological assessment service in your town, for a more immediate response.",your daughter is naturalHow you proceed depends a lot on whether she recognizes she has a psychological and emotional problem or if only you see this from observing heryou can only suggest to your daughter that therapy may benefit her if you believe your daughter is
-"My fiancée suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She has had it most of her life. Her anxiety in public places is the worst. It gets to points where she can't breathe or move. Sometimes, she won't even go to the restroom, so she will hold in her pee until her stomach hurts or she pees herself. She curls up in corners at the mall and has panic attacks. She won't eat or drink in public. If she isn't having a panic attack or crying, she's clinging to me and avoiding everything and everyone. Her depression flares up out of nowhere and causes her to become very suicidal and self-harming. She get really sick from anxiety and scared to the point that I can't even get her to eat, drink, leave the bed, or go outside. She always tells me how she grew up around so much fighting and fear that it makes her scared of loud sounds, yelling, conflict, and even talking to strangers in public. She will refuse to go to a store unless I am with her to talk to the cashier for her. She is so scared that I can't even get her to drive. She doesn't want to get her license because she's scared of trying to drive.
-   Some people have recommended medication, but I believe it's just going to cover up her illness and not solve it. I don't want my fiancée pumped with drugs. I believe a psychiatric service dog would be the best bet for her. When we first met my poodle, it would calm her down a lot. She took the dog out every time we went out, and she seemed much calmer and happier. She slowly would eat, and the dog seemed to make her feel a lot better. I am worried and want to help her without medication.",depression,"It sounds like you have been a positive support for your fiancee. There is no doubt that this situation is a great challenge for the both of you. While it may feel like you are responsible for her health and happiness, it is important that you understand that you, on your own, won't be able to resolve her mental health issues. Based on what you have explained, it sounds like she needs to get a medical and/or psychiatric evaluation. Whether or not she decides to take medication is her (and your) decision, but keeping an open mind about treatment options is important. I suggest that she see a therapist on her own in order to better understand and cope with her anxiety and depression, especially given her suicidal thoughts. You would also likely benefit from therapy, individual or couple's therapy, in order to address how you are feeling and_best learn how to support her and your relationship. I wish the very best for both of you and hope that things will improve sooner than later.",and your fiancee It sounds like you have been a positive support for your fiancee It sounds like you have been a positive support for her health and happiness it sounds like she needs to get a medical andor psychiatric evaluation
-"I've have lived for sometime with depression but things have gotten a lot better, but why is it so hard to get over anxiety and social isolation?",depression,"The best way to handle depression and anxiety is with a combination of appropriate medication given to you by a medical doctor, and therapy to help you understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are causing the depression and anxiety in the first place and then to replace these with more positive thoughts and behaviors. This is not something that anyone should just _hite knuckle and try to get through on their own with no help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety. This takes a therapist trained in CBT._There are some things in life that you cannot change and must learn to accept. A lot of people spend time trying to change things that they have no control over. This may be the behavior of someone else in your life or it could be a situation that you cannot change, such as the recent death of a loved one, a lost relationship, or an accident or illness which has left you handicapped. In cases like this, what can change is your attitude and thoughts about the situation that you now find yourself in. One thing that is inevitable about life is that stuff happens and it is not always pleasant. Some people take these unpleasant occurrences very hard and it throws them into a deep depression. Other people seem to be able to handle life_ ups and downs and bounce back. They do this with having positive coping skills in their life. Learning new coping skills is something your therapist can help you with.A lot of people are so focused on trying to change the things in their life that they cannot change and are ignoring the things that they can change. There are things that you can do. Here is a quote for you to consider. _ou are getting almost everything that you are getting based on the choices that you have made. You will continue to get the same thing out of life until you make some changes. Another quote I like is _ou will find a way or you will find an excuse. Don_ ever say that you have no choice. Everyone has a choice. You might not particularly like any of the choices that you are facing, but you do have choices. Not happy in a relationship? You can leave it. Hate your job? Get a new one. If it matters to you, you will find a way. Don_ sit there complaining about everything but not doing anything different or better.Take care of yourself. Exercise is very important not only for your physical health, but for your mental health as well. Eating right and exercising will help you feel better about yourself. Also, find a meditation that works for you. There are progressive muscle relaxation exercises, visual and mental meditations, and many many more. Start making some positive changes in your life today! You can do it!",and anxiety It is not something that anyone should just _hite knuckle and try to get through on their own with no help Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety It takes a therapist trained in CBT
-"I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?",anxiety,"Oh, crying in therapy is very normal! I have a stack of kleenex boxes in my office. Cry away, therapist are very used to it:) First time being in therapy is scary, but you'll soon know if you are a good match.",therapy is scary but youll soon know if you are a good match
-"Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.",anxiety,"It is possible that you could have or be developing an anxiety disorder. There isn't really enough information provided here to suggest a particular disorder, but it might be worth meeting with a counselor or therapist to do a formal assessment. Some of the questions they might ask could be what other kinds of physical symptoms you experience, how frequently these physical symptoms happen, what's going on for you when they tend to happen, and how frequently/intensely you find yourself worrying in general._Anxiety itself is a really natural thing - it's just when it starts interfering with your ability to ""do life"" the way you want that we start to consider potential disorders. It might be that for the most part, the anxiety you feel is normal and you simply have some triggers that intensify it more than usual. Working on your own or with the support of a counselor/therapist to both address those triggers at the root and also to develop ways of managing the actual anxiety symptoms. This two-fold approach can be really helpful for not letting anxiety keep you from engaging in life the way you'd like.",you may have or be developing an anxiety disorder There isnt really enough information provided here to suggest a particular disorder There isnt really enough information provided here to suggest a particular disorder Some of the questions they might ask could be what other kinds of physical symptoms you experience
-"I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.",self-esteem,"Hello Utah, thank you for writing with your question. Sexual assault or sexual abuse is a very traumatic event that affects victims in many ways. Your difficulty in feeling sexually engaged and your description of the shame and self-loathing you feel are normal responses to the rapes you experienced. A good therapist can help you to process your traumas and understand that you did nothing wrong to cause the rapes; the shame is not yours. It takes a very patient and loving partner, but you can make progress towards a healthier sexual relationship with your wife. These are issues that I cannot address more fully here other than to recommend that you seek the assistance of a qualified professional.", thank you for writing with your question Hello Utah thank you for writing with your question Sexual assault or sexual abuse is a very traumatic event that affects victims in many ways Your difficulty in feeling sexually engaged and your description of the shame and selfloathing you
-"I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before.    I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered ""wrong"" by a lot of people.
-   How can I get myself to just move on?",relationship-dissolution,"Well, there is some good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that people are capable of moving on from relationships, even if the person showed them a sort of love that they've never felt they've had, or deserved, before. Sometimes, even just the fact that this has happened for them can, eventually (see below) lead them to seek out love again, because they now believe they will be able to have that again.So, the not-so-good news though is that one can not ""just move on."" I'd even venture to say that the pressure you may be putting on yourself to just move on and out of this yucky hole of feelings that you are in is actually too much pressure and adding to the yucky feelings as they are. Instead, try thinking of getting past these feelings as grieving over the loss of someone (even though someone didn't die, there is still a significant loss you are experiencing) and therefore how essential it is to allow yourself to grieve, to feel whatever feelings (of anger, or sadness, or something else) that you are feeling. Often, it is really helpful to speak those feelings (I recommend professionals in this case) who can help you feel like you are not pathological for this struggle, and instead that it is completely normal. Love is a crazy thing, and the feelings can get very confusing. But, the last stage of grieving is ""acceptance,"" and it is very challenging to get there if you skip over denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.",that you are experiencing is too much pressure and adding to the yucky feelings that you are feeling Instead try thinking of getting past these feelings as grieving over the loss of someone even though someone didnt die there is still a significant loss that you are experiencing
-"I work two jobs and go to school for criminal justice. Over the summer, my father had a stroke. It was very devastating. My father isn't the same, and my family fights every day. I have been kicked out the house many times. I break down a lot.",family-conflict,"You undoubtedly are carrying a huge weight on your shoulders. Stressors come in many forms and you are engulfed in a few of the major ones as it relates to dealing with the declining health of your father, family conflict, as well as trying to balance a work and school schedule. Stress, if left unchecked has many negative health related implications. First and foremost I would recommend going to see a counselor at your college/university. Most colleges have counseling centers for students that usually allow for 5-6 free counseling sessions (your tuition actually pay for these sessions so take advantage of them). Secondly I would advise you to take a minute and breathe. When confronted with overwhelming life issues it is common to busy ourselves in an attempt to distract ourselves from the drama, but sometimes that can compound our stress. When dealing with stress it is important that you engage in self care. In other words find time to engage in activities that bring you a sense of peace, enjoyment, and fulfillment in order that you may get a momentary release from your daily hectic life. Even with a normal life there is no way to escape stress, it is inevitable and a part of life, but how you deal with stress, as well as how you take care of yourself in the midst of these whirlwind events will determine your quality of life. I hope this helps...",stress can be a part of your life but it is important that you engage in self care Take time to engage in activities that bring you a sense of peace enjoyment and fulfillment if left unchecked you may get a momentary release from stress
-We make love once per month. Is it normal?,intimacy,"To begin with, what's normal for one couple isn't going to be normal for the next, every couple has their own normal and that's important to keep in mind. Your sexual lives will ebb and flow. What I'd be more curious about is the quality rather than the quantity of the sex you are having. I'd also want you both to refocus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about exactly that a while back and you can find it here.",the quality rather than the quantity of the sex you are having Id also want you both to refocus on building up your little daily moments of connection I wrote a post about exactly that a while back and you can find it here
-"My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year_ resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board_o more drinking every night.
- The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep_t's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch.  I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.",intimacy,"As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters. _His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing. _He doesn't sound like this, at least now.",as exasperated as you feel and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you changing this is up to himBe prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behavesPeople change only when they realize their life can improve
-"I have been dating a guy for two years. I think I love him, but I don't know any more. I am in my late teens, and I have been living with him for most of our relationship. I have been talking to a guy friend, and I feel more loved by him than my boyfriend.",intimacy,"Hi Michigan, Relationships are so sparkly for a few years, and then things start to feel different. Most of the time, this is simply because we've pulled back from all the attachment-forming behaviours we did at the beginning. We stop talking a lot, because we have less to discover...we do less for each other and buy fewer gifts...spend less time together...all because we have already formed the love and attachment and we don't need to ""fill the gas tank"" as much. So, just because it feels different doesn't mean it's ""gone bad"".Having said that, it seems as though you are missing something in this relationship that you need; you don't feel loved enough right now. Can you tell him? Have you told him? The strength of your relationship is more clear when people know what the expectations are. Let him know what you need, and see if he gets it._You have choices to make and there is no wrong choice. You certainly have the right to say ""this isn't feeling great anymore"", or ""I want to explore other relationships"", and walk away. But often it's worth it to see how good something can be before you bail._You're drawn to someone else, and this is up to you to decide how this fits with your expectations of yourself in a relationship. Your interest in this other guy is sparkly and new. Your boyfriend can't compete with that if he doesn't know you're unhappy._For some people, being drawn to someone else is a sign they're not into their partner. For others, it's a danger alert, and it makes them want to improve their current relationship. Which one are you?", and this is up to you to decide how this fits with your expectations of yourself in a relationship is a danger alert and it makes them want to improve their current relationships are so sparkly for
-"My boyfriend of five years told me he cheated on me during our relationship after we broke up. We've since gotten back together and are trying to make it work. I don't know how to trust him now, but I really want to make it work, and it seems like he does too. But my trust issues are getting in the way and causing problems.",intimacy,"Hi Michigan,This is a common issue. How do you trust after you know someone is capable of hurting you? I totally get that it's hard, and I believe it's worth it if you truly love and want to be with someone. You can be stronger in the scarred places._I would suggest that you each have a separate job to do to rebuild this trust. It is definitely possible to rebuild it, because anything is possible if both people want it enough.Your boyfriend came clean to you...this is pretty crucial. He chose to honour your needs rather than keep the secret. You can use that as evidence in your ""proof that he loves me"" file. Work on that file...thicken it up. Having a thick ""he does care about me and wouldn't hurt me again"" file will help you._Other things that he can do to help you thicken that file (because after all, his behaviours caused this problem): answer all your questions, don't brush you off if you're feeling insecure, treat you as though you're a priority, avoid questionable contact with other women, have open communication, give you passwords to devices so there is transparency. He can help you to understand where those behaviours came from...why he cheated in the first places (although people aren't always good with those 'why' questions!)You can focus on telling yourself that people change, that he deserves a chance to show you he can be loyal (or at least you've decided to give him that chance), and that you want to be a trusting person. If you act like a trusting person, you will likely feel more like one. Don't go snooping, don't interrogate him. It's normal you might feel scared and try to tell him that when you do. Let him know what happens that leads to you feeling scared.This is a start for you. A good therapist can be helpful too!",he can help you thicken that file he can help you to understand why he cheated in the first places you feel scared and try to tell him that when you do he can help you you
-"I_ in love with my friend who is also a girl. I fell in love with her in a few months. That was my first love. We used to talk for the whole day and night over the phone and on Facebook. I thought she had the same feelings for me, but I was wrong. I always wanted to touch her warmly and stay with her all my life. But all my dreams get broken apart after she got into a relationship with a guy. I_e tried to be in relationship with guys, but I can_ be in love with them.",intimacy,"It all depends how old you are and what a particular situation is._ You may be feeling very close to this friend and mistake that feeling for sexual feeling, or the feelings may be real. This is something you will find out for yourself, however, it definitely doesn't mean that you are a lesbian just because you have those feelings for this particular person. Time will tell, but if you need to discuss this, you could see your school councelor (if you are at school/university) or find a LGBT group with meetings and discuss this with them. I hope this is helpful.",you are a lesbian but it doesnt mean that you are a lesbian just because you have those feelings for this particular person Time will tell but if you need to discuss this you could see your school councelor if you are at schooluniversity
-"My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt ""ehh"" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We_e married and we have a baby on the way.",intimacy,That sounds really challenging for both of you. Differences in sexual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict. I would encourage you to do some couples counselling or sex therapy as often these issues can be worked through and low sexual desire can result from relational fears and misunderstandings or sex that isn't as arousing as is possible. There are some good videos on this resource page about sexuality and intimacy and a video that specifically addresses desire differences in relationships.,both of you It sounds really challenging for both of you Differences in sexual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict I would encourage you to do some couples counselling or sex therapy as often these issues can be worked through and low sexual desire can result from relational fears
-"My boyfriend of five months expresses how much he cares for me and loves me, and I believe it. It has been one of the best relationships I have been in for a short period of time, but he has lied to me so much. He_l tell me that he'll stop lying, and while he_ saying that, he's hiding something or lying about something. First, it was about a girl. He hid text messages and claimed she was a friend and it was a friendly conversation when it was a girl he once found interest in. Next was his ex-girlfriend. He put a fake contact name, and it was just friendly, but he lied to my face. All the time, he claims he never cheated and still expresses his love the same way and that he wants to change and do better.",intimacy,"New York, New York...it's not your boyfriend's lying that concerns me the most; it's the lies you tell yourself. Verbal expressions are easy, but it's walking the walk that's more important in the end. When someone shows you what they're capable of, you can believe them. He's capable of being manipulative and deceitful, and he even lies as he's telling you he'll stop lying._What you're doing is called denial; when you see evidence of something but you choose not to believe the evidence. He might love you with his heart, but love, in the end, is a verb and is based on respectful, loving behaviours._My wish is that you start by believing in what you deserve.", and its the lies you tell yourself Verbal expressions are easy but its walking the walk thats more important in the end when someone shows you what theyre capable of you can believe them
-"About a month ago, I went through my boyfriend_ phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our son_ room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.",intimacy,"Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his _past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little.", youll have more clarity as to what each of you would like from the otherWith this new level of clarity his past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful
-"My dad cheated on my mom for 13 years. I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that my boyfriend might be cheating on me even when I know he isn't. I have full access to his phone, social media, and e-mails. I never find anything, but I'm obsessed with constantly checking just in case. How do I stop this? It's driving a wedge between us.",intimacy,"Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted.The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours.Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like ""everyone cheats"", or "" you're not enough for him"". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts.The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting ""as if"" something if true strangely helps us believe it.It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck!", and youre learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear Youre learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear Act as though you trust him Act as though you trust him Act as if something if true strangely helps us
-I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.,intimacy,When a doc blows you off it may be a signal that it is time to find a new one! ED can often be caused by health issues. If all physical possibilities are ruled out then it's time to look within and enlist the help of a sex therapist. Here's a good article for you to start with.,a doc blows you off it may be a signal that it is time to find a new one ED can often be caused by health issues If all physical possibilities are ruled out then its time to look within and enlist the help of a s
-"Or how to send him somewhere that can help him, something like The Baker Act.",substance-abuse,"More information would be needed for me to accurately answer this question, such as your age, whether you live with your dad or not, and what other family members live in the household._Something like this, alcoholism, is a whole family disease. In other words, family members often unknowingly contribute to the alcoholism and enable the alcoholic to continue the destructive behavior.First of all, you can_ make your dad do anything, and constantly nagging him or begging him to stop is just going to make him defensive and make this worse. Nobody can change another person. What you can do is change how you react to him and the things that you and other family members do for him._Research codependency. There_ a great book called Codependent No More. There are a lot of articles on the internet that you can read. In short, you have to stop enabling him. Like I said, you cannot control him, but you can control yourself. This means do not buy his alcohol. Do not make it easy for him to get. Don_ loan him the car keys or pay any household bills for him. Don_ call in sick to work for him or make excuses for him in any way. Do not bail him out of jail when he gets arrested. He needs to be responsible for himself. This may mean losing his job or losing his driver_ license. This may mean that he loses his family if he doesn_ stop._What you and your family can do is set boundaries about what you will put up with. It is his choice to drink, but it is your choice to put up with the behaviors of his drinking. A lot of people go into rehab because their spouse said if they don_ then they are getting a divorce.If you are an adult and you don_ live with your dad, then the best thing you can do for him is STOP doing things for him. If you are a child who lives at home with him, then this could be a case for child protective services. In my state this is called DHS. A report is made to this organization for child abuse or neglect. Substance abuse in the home qualifies. Of course, alcohol is legal and when consumed in moderation, there is no problems. The problem will be the result of his alcohol consumption. Does he drive with children in the car while intoxicated? Is he left to care for minors while in an intoxicated state? Are there any domestic violence issues due to his drinking? This could be a reason for the authorities to step in._You can look for a local meeting for family members of alcoholics. They are similar to the AA meetings that an alcoholic should go to, but are for the family members. They can help you.", your age whether you live with your dad or not and what other family members live in the household Research codependency There_ a great book called Codependent No More There_ a lot of
-I keep on begging him to come back. I am so unhappy with him but am so scared of being a single parent to our son. I was abused as a little girl and that has made to be very abusive to men. What should I do...,relationship-dissolution,"Major change frightens almost everybody.Don't be so afraid of your fear that you let yourself beg and are willing to accept unhappiness as a standard in your marriage.If you start considering that life can be better than what is current for you now, new possibilities and ideas will start developing in your mind.Consider finding a therapist so that you have private space to talk in detail about your fears and the new ways of seeing your Self.A therapy relationship, since it is safe and supportive, will be a good balance to having been abused, suffered, and unhappy.",and your SelfA therapy relationship since it is safe and supportive will be a good balance to having been abused suffered and unhappyA therapy relationship since it is safe and supportive will be a good balance to having been abused suffered and unhappy
-"I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
-   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?",substance-abuse,"Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it (""Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now.""), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby!",to quit and you have a really great motivator to quit  your baby for a cigarettes are usually based out of habit such as having a cigarette after a meal
-"My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather.
-   I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility.    Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?",substance-abuse,"I'm sorry to hear that your brother has been having such a rough time. He's lucky to have you on his side (although he may not always see it that way).As far as whether you can sign him in, that depends on a lot of different things.I would suggest that you Google the state and county that you live in as well as some phrase similar to ""crisis hotline."" They can tell you how it works in that county. My guess is that you could sign him in as long as he met the criteria for admission at that moment, but I can't _be entirely sure._You could also ask the person on the phone about financial responsibility. I have not heard of that being a problem, but I guess it would depend on insurance.If you have trouble finding a local _hotline, consider calling the national crisis number (800-273-8255) and ask them to help you find someone local.",that you could sign him in as long as he met the criteria for admission at that momentI would suggest that you Google the state and county that you live in as well as some phrase similar to crisis hotline you could also ask the person on the phone about financial responsibility
-"I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.",substance-abuse,"What an important question. I'm hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for concern. While there can be negative stigma about using substances, for the most part substance use is an attempt to cope with emotional distress in the absence of sufficient coping strategies. We all look for comfort when we are in pain and this may be the way that you are getting comfort - even though it is also hurting you. In order to stop using alcohol and weed you will need a lot of support and you will need to learn other ways of getting comfort when you are in pain or struggling with bipolar related symptoms._There is nothing to be ashamed of and we all need help when we are struggling. I would encourage you to reach out for support in any way that you can._Have you talked with your health care providers about your concerns or friends or family members?_Here are some links of resources in Whistler that may be helpful:http://www.vch.ca/locations-and-services/find-health-services/?program_id=11035http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/service/9509054_9509054/whistler_mental_health_and_addictionshttp://mywcss.org/programs/counselling-assistance/http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/organization/9489472/alcoholics_anonymous_aa___squamishwhistler", about your substance use Im hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for concern What an important question Im hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for
-"I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants.    I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?",family-conflict,"If the only way the relationship you have with your mother feels ""okay"" is when she is the only one who makes decisions concerning your life, then this only seems ok.In fact it is not okay for one person to be the authority for another person unless the one for whom this is being done, does not have their own ability to think for themselves.Separating your own wishes and way of handling life matters, from your mother's point of view, may be difficult.First, realize you need to get familiar with feeling at ease with the idea of deciding matters for yourself.You'll need practice until you feel comfortable.Unless, if you've been thinking through decisions you'd like to make and the idea of your mother's anger is the only point which stopped you, then you may almost instantly start living in a liberated way of running your own life.Basically, it is right and fair for you to have the chance to live your life the way you feel is best. __Be prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest.",and your mothers anger is the only point which stopped youBe prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest
-"I_ a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself?",family-conflict,"This sounds like a really tough situation._ As a teenager, you may be able to get counseling on your own (without needing your parents' consent) under some circumstances._ If your parents are refusing to_consider counseling, you might want to try talking to your doctor or another trusted adult_about finding some counseling resources - even without your parents' help.",like a really tough situation like a tough situation As a teenager you may be able to get counseling on your own without needing your parents consent under some circumstances If your parents are refusing to consider counseling you might want to try talking to
-"My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.",family-conflict,"How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and _ndercover messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks. _Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills._ Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces._ It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction._ Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor. __The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possible_until you to master them._ You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.¿Cómo puedo lograr que mi mamá me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicación con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos._ A veces, nos parece aun más difícil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicación._ Especialmente nuestras _madres, _pueden hacer parecer que están convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.¿Y qué hacemos?_ Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a través de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicación asertiva._ Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos._ También te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interacción._ Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero._ El secreto está en practicar las técnicas de comunicación cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontáneamente._ Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas técnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difícil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista.",en la comunicación y envueltos en la comunicaciónCómo puedo lograr que me escuche sin alarmarse tanto
-"When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.",intimacy,"You are in an abusive relationship-not because of your boyfriend's silences but because he is comfortable being sarcastic and hurtful, never admits he is wrong and never apologizes. It is your choice to participate in an abusive relationship. You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how wonderfully you treat your partner. You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship. I wish you well, always.",an abusive relationship You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how beautifully you treat your partner You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship
-"Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't seem to get close to anyone else. I know I'm completely over him, but I just can't break down my walls and let someone new into my life.",intimacy,"Hi Bend, You're scared, right? That makes sense. Each time we have a break-up we are a bit more in touch with how much is at stake in this whole love and relationship business. We are falling in love and letting someone close to our hearts and there's a vulnerability in that; we can get hurt. Who you partner with long-term is a big decision and it determines 90% of our happiness in life._The good news is that when we're just starting to get to know someone, we can take it slow. I think maybe you are slowing yourself down instinctively here, and that's okay. We are naturally people of attachment and it won't likely last if you are normally an open and accessible person who doesn't put up walls. So part of what I want to say here is don't pressure yourself too much. Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow. :)As well, there are a few things you can do to make sure that the walls do eventually come down, or will come down for the right person._First, think about the lessons you learned from this past relationship. What do you feel proud of? What do you need in a partner? What mistakes did you make? Use this experience to grow in your awareness of how you work in a relationship and what you need from a partner.Look at your thoughts. Are you having generalized negative thoughts like ""No one will ever love me again?"", or ""I'm going to get hurt again"", or ""I can't trust myself""? If so, write down what these thoughts are, and then ask yourself what evidence supports these thoughts. Fear tries to convince us that there is either something wrong with us or that something bad will happen, but it does so with little or no evidence of this ever happening!! It sells us a line based on no concrete evidence. Then ask yourself what evidence supports the opposite thought. What is the evidence that I am lovable... that there are safe, good people out there... that I can trust myself? Eliminate the negative thoughts, and add the positive ones. It's simple but very powerful.Lastly, take concrete and careful steps to act as though there are no walls. What is the evidence of the walls? Can you take purposeful baby steps in the direction of lowering those walls? When we act as though something is true, we start to feel it and believe it more.I hope you will find yourself back on track eventually, with time. :)", and what you need from a partner Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow first think about the lessons you learned from this
-"I_ a man, and I_ soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it_ been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.",intimacy,"Hello, and thank you for your question. When faced with these kinds of difficult challenges, I usually encourage people to look to their values for help in determining what their behavior should be. Indeed, it is usually when our behaviors conflict with our values that we don't feel very content with our lives. Perhaps you can take some time to think through a couple of these questions: What kind of person do I want to be deep in my heart? What_kind of character_do I want to have when in public and in my private world when nobody is watching? How would I want others to describe me? Let's say that you want others to see you as being authentic, and YOU also value_authenticity_as something you want to live by. You may feel like this value is currently at odds with the behaviors you are engaging in right now. That you are not being the person that you really are deep in your heart. This is not an unusual struggle when it comes to sexual behavior and sexual orientation. So please, try not to feel alone. We all know quite well how unacceptable it may be to be seen as gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. And I am not just talking about being unaccepted by others, but a person may have a VERY hard time accepting themselves. Thinking about your values_and living a life based on them can bring a lot of freedom, but I won't lie, it can also bring a lot of pain at the same time. For example, someone with the value of living authentically may decide they have to tell others who they are and what they stand for, even if that means people may disapprove. That may cause a lot of pain, but it may also come with a sense of freedom to live a life based on honesty and authenticity. It may be helpful to find a counselor who is trained in affirmative therapy, which is recommended for people who are navigating their sexual behaviors and figuring out what is right for them. I would also sit down and think through some of the questions above and consider what your values are... both as an individual and as someone's fiancé.Above all, I wish you well in this journey. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC", and thank you for your question Hello and thank you for your question Hello and thank you for your question Hello and thank you for your question I encourage people to look to their values for help in determining what their behavior should be Often when our behaviors conflict with our
-"My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.",intimacy,"There are many different ways that can be approached in your situation.1. I would recommend a complete medical examination including blood test. i would want to know if there are any medical issues in your low sex drive.2. Where is your husband in this situation? Is he resentful, accepting, demanding or neutral?3. What is your past sexual history? has this had an affect on your current issue?4.Has there been problems in your past with abuse of any kind?5. Understand that intimacy is more than sex. What other ways can you be close to your spouse?6. It sounds like there is some confusion about sexual intimacy from both of you.Couples counseling would be a great place to start._All of these areas need to be explored before any treatment goals can be established.You need to talk with a professional counselor to explore how to better connect with your spouse.",1 I would recommend a complete medical examination including blood test i would want to know if there are any medical issues in your low sex drive1 I would recommend a complete medical examination including blood test
-My wife just last week said she wants a divorce and it's all sudden. I understand that marriages have their ups and downs but I don't understand why she can't tell me why she wants a divorce. Should I fight for my family (daughter and wife)?,relationship-dissolution,"Chances are, if you really think about it, there were signs that something wasn_ quite right in your marriage. You may have passed these things off as being the normal ups and downs of a marriage, but whatever it was (or wasn't), it's obviously bothering your wife. I would say yes, keep trying to fight for your family, at least until you know what the problems are from your wife's perspective and if they're repairable. Ask your wife if she_ willing to try to work on the marriage and then see a marriage counselor. Just be sure you_e open to hearing what's said and try not to get defensive if she blames you for some things.Even if your wife is adamant about getting a divorce, that doesn't mean you_e divorcing your daughter and you should make sure she knows that. Continue to be a part of her life. And although it may be difficult, if a divorce does happen, try to be as amicable as possible with your wife so your daughter isn't further impacted by this new family dynamic.", but its obvious that something wasnt right in your marriage Ask your wife if she_ willing to try to work on the marriage and then see a marriage counselor Ask your wife if she_ willing to try to work on the marriage and then see
-"I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore.",workplace-relationships,"Getting your first job is an exciting, terrifying, and challenging experience. It is something you will remember for a long time and it shapes how you begin to think about yourself as a worker. You are literally ""learning as you go"" in this completely new environment. You are going to make mistakes. You are not going to get it right the first time. It can be even more challenging if you are having a difficult time building relationships that are supportive at work. A couple of things to remember here: 1) You are there to do a job and you are getting paid to do it, 2) There is a reason or reasons for you wanting to be there and do that work, 3) you know best what you need in order to be successful. These three items can be helpful to remember, especially when we feel our emotions are taking over in a place where we do not feel safe to express them fully. If you feel like your supervisor is approachable, meaning someone you could talk to because they express confidence in you, let them know you are nervous about doing a good job. Also let them know how you learn new tasks, information, or expectations so they can deliver the message in a way that you understand. Becoming a successful worker doesn't happen overnight, but each day you can identify what works for you and what doesn't by communicating with your work team, the easier it will be for you. We all had a first job once, and were all worried about doing well. Hang in there, and call a counselor if you need more help.", and what works for you the easier it will be for you the easier it will be for you the easier it will be for you It shapes how you begin to think about yourself as a worker It
-"I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it.
-   I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?",workplace-relationships,"It sounds like you have mixed feelings and motivations - which is understandable. On the one hand you want to get over him, on the other you are still holding out hope for something more. It will be really hard to let go of him and create friend boundaries so long as there is a part of you holding on to the idea of something more. If you are being really honest with yourself you might need to acknowledge that you are not really striving to get him out of your system - that you have not really given up hope of having a relationship with him. If you are whole-heartedly committed to moving past the sexual and romantic parts of your relationship and just having a friendship than refraining from all the touching would be a good place to start. It is hard to ""just be friends"" when all your sex and bonding hormones are coursing through your veins.",that you have mixed feelings and motivations  which is understandable On the one hand you want to get over him On the other you are still holding out hope for something more it will be really hard to let go of him and create friend boundaries so long as there is
-"In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs.",spirituality,"I think the best thing you can do is be respectful of each family member's wishes. Although everyone may not agree with one another, the most important thing you can do for each other is to respect their faith and beliefs instead of trying to sway them in a certain direction._There are many families that are united despite their differences. For example, a mother may be Catholic and the father Jewish. By introducing the children to each faith until they are ready to decide for themselves can be beneficial._Also, it's not uncommon for views to change as one ages or faces different life experiences. So don't get too discouraged if your child wants to explore different avenues._Creating a loving and accepting environment is most essential.",to be respectful of each family members wishes Its important to respect their faith and beliefs instead of trying to sway them in a certain direction Creating a loving and accepting environment is most essential
-I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?,trauma,"Suicide is not a natural way to pass from this Earth, so many times it can be EXTREMELY tough to deal with because of the ""unnatural-ness"" of the event. We may find ourselves feeling guilty that we did not see it or that we could've have done more or something to stop it, but often the fish in the fishbowl cannot see that which is closest to him. You are currently trying to numb your feelings, those feelings as nasty as they are, are meant to be felt, those feelings help us to process the event and also help us to pass through the situation. Your friend has a legacy, remember it, and honor that legacy everyday in some small or even grand way, perhaps committing or volunteering your time to help others in honor of your friend.Hope this helps, C", and remember it and honor that legacy everyday in some small or even grand way remember it and honor that legacy everyday in some small or even grand way committing or volunteering your time to help others in honor of your friend
-"I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.",trauma,"Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse. _If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may ""know"" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a ""wall"" in your current relationship. _The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse. _Good for you!Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed. _There are likely reminders_(called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences. _This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you. _However, you likely feel as if you are not in control. _ _The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization_and Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship. _I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship. _With a good support network in place, healing is very possible.", reduce or eliminate triggers bring healing and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences your decision to pursue counseling and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship
-"I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I_e never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I_ about to lose her, if I already haven_. I throw things at her when I_ angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don_ want to lose her, and I don_ want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.",domestic-violence,"Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't ""hit her enough to cause harm""?), but you're headed in the right direction._I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants._This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well.", her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants This is potentially the first step to learning real respect honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort Hi Baton RougeIm glad youre reaching out Im glad youre reaching
-"I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He cheated on me and the woman is now pregnant. He is physically and mentally abusive towards me. I have attempted to talk with him in order to resolve our issues; however, he never wants to talk and often blames me for everything. I_ always there when he needs my help. He tells me although I help him doesn_ mean that I am a good person. He always discredits me as a woman and it_ hurtful. I spend most day crying and feeling lonely. I am unhappy and unsure of what I need to do.",domestic-violence,"That sounds like a very hurtful situation. Unfortunately, without a batterers intervention course or a desire to change, the abuse cycle is unlikely to stop. I do not recommend that you try to leave on your own due that being the most dangerous time when in an abusive relationship. As an abuser, his goal is to control you whether it's through mental or verbal means. I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing, transportation, and any other needed resources to women leaving an abusive relationship. There is help out there and you are not alone. If you need any additional resources in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me.",like a very hurtful situation It sounds like a very hurtful situation I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing transportation and any other needed resources to women leaving
-Now I have anger and trust issues. How can I treat this and fix myself?,domestic-violence,"I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this. However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware._There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with sexual abuse. Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas. That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue.The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past. Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you. Angry? Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you. Having trouble trusting? Of course! The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.",and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you Angry Yes At your brother for what he did at your parents for not protecting you Having
-I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.,anger-management,"Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps...", Anger is a normal emotion no different than joy elation or sadness Its not anger that gets us in trouble its the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble Being able to control your temper
-"I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.",anger-management,"With me knowing that_a healthy relationship_usually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and _sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship._ Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating._ Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively._ I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital._ Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children.", that you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children I would suggest relationship counseling specifically premarital
-"I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.",anger-management,"First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope with_life's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try to_help control your anger, but the_ones that_I would recomend first are the following:1._Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Since_arguing with_them is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit._Choose a time to talk with them_about ""heated issues"" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use ""I phrases"" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them._Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view.2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhale_even slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes.3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts.4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry.I wish you all the best!",your anger but it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope with lifes obstacles 1 Try a different way of communicating with your parents Try a different way
-"When I see something I don_ like, I go off like a ticking time bomb. I go from 0 to 100 really quickly.",anger-management,"Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinking_only about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck!",a stressful situation you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spending 5 minutes taking deep breaths breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6 while focusing and thinking only about your breathing
-"It takes me a long time to fall asleep; I_ estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my father_ business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?",sleep-improvement,"You_e noticing that as you lie down to go to sleep, there
-is quite a bit going on, which may be anxiety related. It sounds like the
-dreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had
-around the time of your break up, the difficulty with your father_ business,
-and your mother_ health issues. These connections to past events may be
-important insights to continue exploring in addition to finding out more about
-what your dreams may be trying to tell you. There is no exact science to
-dreams, but many people find it fruitful to explore the content as it relates to
-significant themes in their lives. I think that exploring these issues further with
-a therapist could help you resolve whatever is causing you the stress, trouble sleeping, and frightening dreams.",and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had around the time of your break up It sounds like the dreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had around the time of your break up the difficulty with your father_ business and your mother_ health issues
-"My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me.    He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?",intimacy,"As someone who specializes in sexuality and polyamory, I can tell you that your experience is incredibly common. It can be helpful to keep in mind that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, and for first time threesomes or any new sexual behavior really, we humans tend to enjoy a little extra oomph to our courage levels. That being said, it also lowers our ability to make well thought-out decisions. This combined with the brain rewarding novelty (new lover, new experience with our partner etc.) and maybe even some over-zealousness and performance anxiety could likely explain why your husband was on her more than you. My encouragement to you is to try not to overthink it at this stage. Now, IF you two choose to bring her or someone else into the bedroom again and a similar thing keeps happening, I would definitely push the issue and see what's up from his perspective.The empty feeling could be any number of things including:Fear that ""you're not enough for him""Fear that ""she's better than you"" in some wayFear that ""if we keep doing this thing, he will need it and what happens if I no longer want it?""Opposite fear of ""what if I now want her more than him"" or ""if I want the threesomes and he doesn't?""Fear of ""does this mean our sex life isn't good enough as it is?""....""do we have to always add a little spice to keep it hot?""Or like Robin alluded to, preconceived notions about what culture, religion, family and friends etc. say about what marriage and sex ""should"" look like._ I also agree with her encouragement to explore the empty feeling further and see what nuances of other feelings are in there...jealousy? insecurity? shame? regret? longing?_ When you can identify and name them, they are easier handled. Some of the resources I recommend poly/ sexually open couples are:_ove in Abundance: a Counselor_ Advice on Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola_he Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola_ewriting the Rules: an Integrative Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships by Meg Barker_ore Than Two: a Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert_he Game Changer: a Memoir of Disruptive Love by Franklin Veaux_he Ethical Slut: a Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy_pening Up: a Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino_pen All the Way: Confessions From my Open Marriage by Sadie Smythe_enry and June: From _ Journal of Love  The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin (1931-1932)_ersonally, I find your cravings to be healthy and quite normal. The key is to make them work well for you and your partner(s). Robin's also right about communication being key. Some of the suggested resources above can help get those conversations started. And if you need further assistance, absolutely I would find a sex-positive, poly-positive counselor to chat with.Best of luck to you!Tamara Powell, LMHC",and polyamory I can tell you that your experience is incredibly common I agree with her encouragement to explore the empty feeling further and see whats up from his perspective I agree with her encouragement to explore the empty feeling further and see whats up from his perspective