Dogs Behind the Wheel? Bad News for Cats News out of New Zealand this week that dogs there are being taught to drive is discombobulating on so many levels that it's difficult to know how to process it. A branch of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals there, as a stunt to show that dogs awaiting adoption are smart and have all sorts of potential, has apparently taught three shelter dogs to drive and will showcase their skills behind the wheel of a Mini Countryman in a television broadcast on Monday. Yep, S.P.C.A. Auckland issued a news release saying that with the help of Mark Vette, a dog trainer, it had taught Porter, a 10-month-old Border cross; Monty, an 18-month old Giant Schnauzer; and Ginny, a 1-year-old Beardie Whippet cross, to drive (on a closed course, because the dogs are not licensed as motorists). If this is true - though feel free to be skeptical, given that this is a country that has wasp-larvae ice cream and an annual gumboot-throwing contest - the mind reels at the implications. The public-service-minded David Letterman devoted part of his show Wednesday night to a discussion of some of the concerns, offering the Top 10 Signs Your Dog Is a Bad Driver. 7: Insists on driving with head out of window.") But that only scratched the surface. Me, I've also been worrying about these things: According to authoritative-looking sites on the Internet, dogs see colors but not in the way humans do, and they are particularly bad at distinguishing reds and greens. Remember the havoc a few weeks ago when Hurricane Sandy knocked out so many traffic lights, and at intersection after intersection no one knew when to stop and when to go? Put thousands of color-impaired dogs on the road and that's the new normal. HOV LANES New York City's Web site, when it gives the rules for the various HOV lanes around the city, uses phrases like "cars with two or more people" and "motorists who have three or more persons in their vehicle." If I'm a driving dog, I read those regulations and think, "discrimination." Teach dogs to drive and a class-action lawsuit by doggie drivers won't be far behind. THE GESTURE There's a particular hand signal that we human motorists in the New York area use to express our displeasure with other drivers who have cut us off, taken our parking space or otherwise annoyed us. It's safe, efficient and universally understood. But it's a gesture dogs are not physically equipped to make. Yes, dog drivers would excel at literally barking at other motorists, but think of the noise pollution. If you're a dog, any stretch of land with a few trees is a rest area. Picture dog drivers on the New Jersey Turnpike. 'Vince Lombardi Service Area, 18 Miles'? Are you kidding me? If you want to see high-speed roads turn into perpetual 25-m.p.h. crawls, just add hundreds of dog drivers pulling to the shoulder at random. BEFORE I GREW THE BEARD Let's face it, unless it's your bichon frisé, all bichon frisés look alike. Picture one of our beleaguered police officers, having pulled over a dog for running a red light that it thought was gray, as he scrutinizes the dog's driver's license, trying to confirm the I.D. Also, we all know that certain dogs - pit bulls, for instance - have a bad rep. A whole other type of profiling to worry about. Maybe you have your own concerns about the coming epidemic of dog drivers. Feel free to speak up.