Friends: The One with Dave's Bad Trip "No, no, it's the Nobel Peace Prize," said Nick, fondling the medallion. I've already hung mine up in the downstairs loo. You can wear it round your neck. "I'm not sure it's my thing - I prefer ties these days," said Dave, flipping through the report. As for drugs legalisation, that's one step too far. I let you have your vote on Lords reform... "Which we lost," said Nick, gloomily stuffing the Nobel Prize back into his briefcase. I let Vince Cable bang on about a mansion tax. Which George banned. I fell for all those wind farms. And now you're going to blow up half of Lancashire with shale gas. "But I will not let Britain become one great big crack den, just to please a few bearded Lib Dem lecturers in the West Country," said Dave, slamming the Cabinet table so hard that he shook the Tracey Emin neon sentence on the wall - "Gullible zillionaires love my work!," it read, in big, twirly, pink italics. "Ground control to Downing Street!" said Nick. We've lost the drugs war. Get with the 21st century - it's almost like you've never seen an episode of The Wire. "I am finding it rather hard to understand Dominic West these days; he always talked much more clearly at school," said Dave. Still, Sam's giving me the box set for Christmas. Anyway, I'm already doing gay marriage - surely that's enough? "No - it isn't enough," said Nick. If you want your lot to stop being the nasty party, you can't treat it like a buffet lunch. You can't just have the bits you like - the smoked salmon and the profiteroles. It's a set menu - you've got to eat everything, including the rocket salad. You can't be two-speed on Europe and two-speed on... speed. It isn't the hokey cokey - you're either in or you're out. You can't be both. "I've got the Church of England and half the shires against me on gay marriage," said Dave, quietly slipping the report back into Nick's briefcase. I can't let the country go to pot. "That's exactly where you should let them go," said Nick, leaping to his feet, cradling his precious case under his arm and flouncing out of the room. "That's the problem with this bloody Coalition," thought Dave, as the door slammed and the Tracey Emin installation crashed to the floor with a flash and a thud. I can never just say no.