How to get through Christmas with the help of your TV It used to be quite straightforward, at least in my house. Dad got the Christmas Radio Times out, circled everything he wanted to watch - and as luck would have it that was practically everything that was on anyway. Now, with new channels spawning like mushrooms, the Christmas TV listings can seem as daunting as Finnegan's Wake on a hangover. No one needs further festive stress - allow me to fillet and filter. If, like me, most of Christmas Eve is spent panic buying presents at the local 24-hour garage, TV only really becomes an option in the evening. I would certainly avoid The Great British Bake-Off Masterclass earlier in the day on BBC2, unless you really feel the need to rub your own face in the stodgy dough of your culinary inadequacies. In which case, Christmas starts, practically by decree, with Carols from King's (BBC2, 6.15pm). Scientists in several countries all agree that it is medically impossible not to emit a lachrymose "ahhh" on hearing the sound of the opening solo of "Once in Royal David's City." There is also a near-atavistic urge to pour yourself a sherry and don risible knitwear. The carols finish at 7.30pm, which will leave you just enough time to compose yourself before The Snowman and The Snowdog on Channel 4 at 8pm. Best summarised as The Snowman but with the addition of a dog, once again this is guaranteed to have you snivelling like Carrie in Homeland within seconds. Quite why it has been scheduled at 8pm, which is after many young children have gone to bed, I am not sure. Maybe you should let them stay up as a Christmas treat - though bear in mind that this will mean on Christmas morning will find yourself surrounded by mendicants who now think that a dog is indeed for Christmas, not for life, and where the hell is their woofer? Once you've got all of the sideshows - meal, presents, relatives - out of the way on the big day itself, settle down for The Queen on BBC1 at 3pm. Her Majesty's annual address will also, for the first time, be available in 3D, a stunning breakthrough that will doubtless be enjoyed by tens. Return to the dinner table and rampage through the Quality Street - dedicated couch potatoes know that sugar levels are important for sustained viewing - before resuming with BBC1 for Room on the Broom. This is an animated version of Julia "Gruffalo" Donaldson's children's tale, though if Uncle Bill has overdone it at lunchtime he can equally well have one more glass of port, squint a little and enjoy it as a King Crimson video. For the next three-and-a-half hours BBC1 "owns" Christmas. The emotional barometer will run as follows: 5.15pm, Doctor Who. Verdict: downer. The Doctor's gone all JD Salinger since the death of Amy Pond and the snowmen have defected from Channel 4 and turned to the dark side. 6.15pm, Strictly Come Dancing. Verdict: massive upper. A host of familiar faces (plus comedian Bobby Ball) do the boogaloo for our amusement, before the literally resurrected footballer Fabrice Muamba makes everyone sing hosannas. 7.30pm, Call the Midwife. Verdict: total downer followed by seasonally-apt, redemptive upper. Tales of an abandoned baby and a weird, scrofular crone put the grave into gravid, only for Chummy's (Miranda Hart) Nativity Play to pull things round. Which only leaves Downton Abbey, scheduled in the spirit of the Christmas Truce immediately after the BBC's big guns have ceased firing. The Crawleys head to Scotland for a holiday, which promises an outbreak of tweed breeches and comedy deer-stalkers not to be missed. Or if you want to miss it, try BBC4 at 10.15pm for Top of the Pops: 1977, and see if you can spot the bits where they've redacted Jimmy Savile. Boxing Day? Time for a movie. In fact if you can manage to set the video (or Sky Box...) amid the mayhem on Christmas Day you can make it two, and thus take in the first instalments of the greatest movie trilogy of all time, Toy Story. Challenge from fans of The Godfather noted, and dismissed. ITV are showing the first part on Christmas Day (1.25pm), the second on Boxing Day (5.15pm) and then ITV run out of money and you have to have Sky if you want to watch Toy Story III tonight (Sky Family, 8.30pm). But those without Sky are amply well served with the Miranda Christmas Special (BBC1, 9pm). Flick over afterwards to catch Toby Jones looking more like Alfred Hitchcock than Hitch himself in The Girl, and wrap it all up with a night cap - Channel 5"s Most Shocking Celebrity Moments of 2012 (C5, 10pm) should have you asleep in no time.