Shooting and fishing: I have become so besotted with Crumpet that she is getting the upper hand CRUMPET has started whining. She never used to. In fact I was rather proud of her for not whining. Knowing dog people would be inclined to say things like "Oh yes cockers... can be awful whiners." Not Crumpet. Oh no. Not the perfect Crumpet. Well she has started and it's a pain. The whining seems to be entirely to do with having to be staked to the ground and sitting beside me when we are on a driven shoot. The whole operation is just too much for her. All the vehicles, the beaters, the dogs, the guns and bangs and whistles and the croaking alarm of cock pheasants. All interspersed with that deathly hush and the distant tap tapping of beaters as they come closer and closer, unseen in the woods and thickets. Crumpet knows that at any moment birds will erupt from the trees and undergrowth and the anticipation is all too much. She sets up an almost constant high-pitched whimpering of pure excitement. Why she has started at the age of three I cannot work out, other than she by now knows what is meant to happen and just can't get enough of it. Mind you by lunchtime, which the other day was after three very relaxed drives - one less than usual to allow for excessive male gossip and bulls**t - she has usually quietened down. And after lunch - I am afraid not even Crumpet gets gin and tonic, shepherd's pie, apple crumble, a bottle of Chilean and a shottie of sloe gin - she gives up the whining and just shakes uncontrollably instead. My first fear about the shaking was that she was suffering from hypothermia. But she is just over excited. So the only thing I can do, I have been told, is give her a gentle biff on the head with my bonnet. It sort of works but it's all rather distracting. Added to the fact Crumpet is very small and I am very tall which means I have to semi stoop to deliver the biff, while keeping a weather eye out for birds coming my way. The other option, which I haven't tried yet, is a plastic Jif lemon filled with water to give her a zap every time the whimpering starts. I have my doubts. I suspect the only answer is to get out more and get her used to the excitement, but my popularity only extends to a handful of driven shoot invitations each season. Of course, serious dog people will have divined by now that I have become so besotted with Crumpet that she is getting the upper hand and I am allowing her to get away with things like jumping up and, heaven help us, jumping onto and even into the bed. But I blame my wife for that one. No discipline.