Sketch: Nick Clegg's muddle in the middle Five years almost to the day since he became Lib Dem leader, Mr Clegg - looking more than ever like the little boy that Santa Claus forgot - was in London giving a speech about the differences between his party and their Coalition partners. At the next election, he said, the Lib Dems must make Britain "an offer." This would be different from the Coalition offer. The Coalition offer, essentially, is Buy One Get One Free. That's why whenever you hear Mr Clegg speak, you think, "Oh, BOGOF." To go by the polls - some of which show his party in a pitiful fourth place, six points behind Ukip - you might imagine the new Lib Dem offer to be something like, "Mega Closing Down Sale, Stock Clearance, Everything Must Go." But Mr Clegg is determined to stay positive. His theme today was "Stronger Economy, Fairer Society," or, to put it another way, "Nicer Than the Tories, Less Feckless Than Labour." The other parties, he said, lived in "fantasy worlds" and pandered to their extremists. Unlike the Lib Dems, who were always in the sensible middle. At least, I think that's what he was saying. Whenever Mr Clegg strays into metaphor, results tend to get muddled. One minute he said the "centre ground" was the Lib Dems" "home" and that they were "not for shifting"; the next he said that "under pressure, [Lib Dems] move towards the centre." So, in summary: the Lib Dems are moving to the middle, even though they've been in the middle all along and aren't moving anywhere. He seemed to see the Coalition as a type of boat, which the Lib Dems had helped "tack" towards "the centre," finally "anchoring in the centre ground." Personally, if I were a sailor and found my boat resting on ground of any kind, I'd suspect I'd gone wrong somewhere. And dropping anchor would be the last of my priorities, given that we were no longer on water. Essentially Mr Clegg believes that voters are children, and that politicians like him are your parents. I'm not exaggerating for satirical effect; he really did say so. "Parents know that kids need to learn to look after themselves," he said. Slowly but surely, we guide them into independence and adulthood... Parents know that a balance of opportunity and responsibility are what human beings need to thrive. Why would the State treat people otherwise? If you find that attitude patronising, be afraid. With as many as two or three people rushing to join the Lib Dems every week, Mr Clegg's got the next election sewn up.