A fat lot of use In Toad of Toad Hall, AA Milne's stage version of The Wind in the Willows, Mr Toad makes the mistake of calling the policeman who catches him speeding "fat-face." In court, the judge is horrified. "This is terrible," he says. "You mean to tell me that this ruffian, this incorrigible rogue whom I am about to sentence to a severe term of penal servitude, had the audacity to call a representative of the Law 'fat-face"?" Now something called the All Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image, a group of MPs, has asked the Government to make calling someone fat a "hate crime." These fatheads fail to see how fatuous it is to criminalise the word when the adipose reality remains as large as life. The mirror cannot be silenced. Yet it is the Government that is constantly calling us too fat, or too fond of drink or tobacco. Will they remove the "hate taxes" on these? Fat chance.