The flaw in Michelle Obama's parent plan I imagine telling the 16-year-old that he cannot use Facebook until next year. He'd shoot me the look of contempt that Jimmy Carr gives the tax man and cut me right down to size. I fantasise about lecturing all three of my brood on the preying perverts they could come across in chat rooms. But I can see them rolling their eyes, and saying, impatiently and totally, like, grossed out: "Pleeeeeease..." It's not that our children are particularly depraved or even rebellious. But even when studying for exams, the teenagers are Skype-ing girlfriends at midnight. They spend as much time monitoring their friends" statuses on Facebook ("it's complicated") as learning the dates of the Peasants" Rebellion. When their younger sister disappears into her room, she claims she's using her PC to do the Khan Academy teach-yourself maths programme. But half the time it's snatches of The Simpsons that I hear through the firmly shut door. Now, if I were ObaMama, I would clap my hands and, using a "get over here" voice, as she calls it, give them a talking to. I could threaten them with curfews and cutting their allowance. I could pack them off to a boot camp in the Rockies, or to the English equivalent: boarding school. But it's all a bit pointless when their school friends carry on in exactly the same fashion. Even if I could get the children to respect the White House Code of Conduct, they'd be pariahs in the classroom. What, not up on the latest goss? Not reachable at all times of day and night? Not know what Tracy Beaker's been through at The Dumping Ground? Social suicide is brought about by such omissions, Michelle. This holds true in the States as much as in Britain. I know very well the private, co-educational school that the Obama girls attend. Sidwell Friends School has long enjoyed a reputation for academic rigour, and for attracting the children of the great and good. Down the road, at my old school, the National Cathedral School for Girls, we thought Sidwell kids were OK, but we were better than them in all but one respect: boys. Here, I fear, Michelle may meet her Waterloo. It is one thing to expect and attain obedience in girls who have not yet woken up to the opposite sex. But try banning Facebook and mobile phones when a boy urges your daughter to give them a go. Try telling Malia and Sasha to be different from the rest when "the rest" includes a male of the species. You'll coax, scold and lecture to no avail: there's no drowning puppy love, Mrs O. It just comes back to bite you. I'm the first to applaud the First Lady's mothering style. I don't think it's been found wanting; it just hasn't been properly tested yet.