Lifelines: Anne Chilton on baby choices I AM 32 and have been in a great relationship for the past five years. I have a full life, plenty of friends and a good job. My boyfriend wants us to start a family, but I don't and it's causing huge tension between us. He says that every woman should want children and if I don't then there's something wrong with me. We have always got on great but now it's just rows and him dragging me round to see friends who have had babies. He seems to think that showing me one will change my mind. It won't. I've never gone gooey over children. I have nieces and nephews who I love and spend time with, but I don't want children of my own and have always been clear about that. How can I get him to understand that I am not going to change my mind, but keep the relationship going? AC: It sounds like your boyfriend assumed that you would one day want children and sees you as a parent alongside him. The positive thing here is that he does see your relationship as long-term, however it seems you both want different things. Reaching a crossroads in a relationship can present difficult times. People often assume their partner will want the same things as they do, so they don't always talk about what they really want out of life and their relationship. Often what both partners want matches, but when it doesn't you have to stop and really listen to each other's views. Relationships are all about compromise and listening to each other. It sounds like you want your partner to hear that you don't want children and he equally wants you to hear that he does - and neither of you will back down. This is where relationship counselling could help you both really hear what the other has to say. It could help you explore your feelings and see if there is any way forward. This isn't an easy situation and not addressing it won't make it go away. Planting a seed I had never wanted children but now, as I approach my 40th birthday, I find I'm thinking more and more about it. My partner isn't sure but if it's something I want then he is happy to go for it. I was single for many years and met my partner just ten months ago; it was such a surprise to meet someone I really wanted to be with, and he felt the same. So why now do I now feel the urge to produce? This is probably because you are in a relationship that ticks all the boxes, you feel secure and in love, so creating a child together seems possible. AC: Sometimes having a baby is what says you are "partners for life," as you have committed to raising a child together. You say neither of you had considered having children before so it is a new thought for both of you. I wonder if you've talked about what sort of future you want together. Where would a child fit into that? It might be that wanting the child is also about wanting to ensure you stay together. Having a child is a big decision. It's something you both need to feel is the right direction for your relationship. You need to be sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Spend time talking about the sort of life you want together and see if being parents fits into that future. Anne Chilton is head of professional practice for counselling with Relationships Scotland If you are affected by any of the issues in Lifelines and require further advice, contact Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)