Former Essex and Northamptonshire cricketer Darren Cousins: 'I was so wrong to think I had nothing to live for' Cousins is speaking now in the hope that he can help others. He appears in the Professional Cricketers" Association "Mind Matters" online tutorials that are to be launched on Monday admitting that he attempted to take his own life. It is a most powerful message to his peers, but Cousins wants to stress the vital role played by the PCA and especially its assistant chief executive, the former Warwickshire and Surrey batsman Jason Ratcliffe. "They are the only reason I am here to see my daughter," Cousins admits. It was Ratcliffe who persuaded Cousins to seek help. At first Cousins was reluctant, not least because he considered his seemingly self-induced case unworthy of PCA funding. He was so wrong. The PCA helps all cricketers, past and present, in all predicaments. Cousins was soon admitted to a depression clinic, and has since made good progress. "I set myself two main goals," he says, "to buy a house and get a job." He now has both, obviously enjoying his job selling designer sunglasses. He always was a snappy dresser. Cousins appeared a happy man. On and off the cricket field he always appeared to be the life and soul of the party. He admits that, because of this reputation, many in the game will be shocked by his story. "I've never been a confident person," he says, "I lost my mum to cancer when I was 12, and I think that had a big bearing on my personality. I've always had a lot of front - always saying to the lads "Yeah, let's get to the bar and all that"- but on a cricket pitch it was only in 2000 [when he took 67 first-class wickets at 19.67] that I felt worthy and equal to the other players. I've always been a worrier. Cousins" frank and brave tale is yet another reminder of the despair retirement can often bring to a professional sportsperson. "All I ever wanted to do from an early age was to be a cricketer," he says, " I was happiest with a lump of leather in my hand. When I lost cricket I lost my identity. I lost everything I ever wanted to do. He remembers crying in the car after he was released by Essex in 1998. His departure from Northamptonshire, with two years of his contract running, was a shock, even if injury had been the reason. He was a decent bowler, whole-hearted and persistent, but his 12 operations in total - three on a foot, four on his back and five on his knees - took their toll. The future looks brighter now. "I'm in a much better place," he said at Canterbury on Thursday, where he played in a Bunbury match to raise money for Children in Need alongside a raft of stars such as Andrew Strauss, Michael Vaughan, Andrew Flintoff and Matt Prior. "That's not to say that I don't have bad days," he adds, "But what I will say to anyone who finds themselves in the dark space I did: even in your darkest hour you've always got something you are good at or proud of."