Are you pregnant? The rudest question is not one we should ask a woman Because of all the palaces and the jewels and the nice clothes, it is often assumed that women of my age really, really want to be the Duchess of Cambridge, when in reality nothing could be further from the truth. I love Kate Middleton, I admire Kate Middleton, I might even quite fancy Kate Middleton, but I no more want to be her than I do Edwina Currie. The royal tour of the Far East is a case in point - there Kate is, laying wreaths at a war memorial and meeting terminally ill children, and all anyone cares about is the fact that her hair has gone frizzy and she has refused to drink the 2008 Faiveley Puligny-Montrachet Premier Cru "La Garenne" - ergo, she must be with child. "She's got a bun in the oven," remarked a male friend who has a paunch more pregnant than anything Catherine has presented to us. Twitter users, bereft of an Olympics to talk about, have added to the speculation. The American magazine Star has splashed on the fact that Catherine is expecting (they also had this exclusive in 2010). Their evidence is not a discarded pregnancy test, or an aide witnessing a bit of morning sickness. Their evidence, m'lud, is a photograph in which the slightest of shadows is said to suggest the beginnings of a royal bump. Invest in baby booties, people! Were I the Duchess of Cambridge, I would have used my first public speech in Malaysia to tell everyone to bog off and mind their own business. But this is one of the myriad reasons why I am not the Duchess of Cambridge. How does she do it? How does she deal with the endless close-ups of her abdomen, the analysis of the hormones that must be causing her skin to glow like that? Of course, it has nothing to do with the humid, 33C Kuala Lumpur weather. Goodness knows what gynaecological insights we will be provided with should it ever be confirmed that she is pregnant. The Royal family will always attract unwanted attention. But endless speculation over a pregnancy feels intrusive. "When are you planning on having children and how many do you want?" is about the rudest question you can ask any woman, including the one who walked down the aisle at Westminster Abbey to a television audience of two billion. It presumes that a) you want kids and b) you are able to have them. Getting pregnant has always struck me as an intensely private thing, and we should respect that, even with the most public of couples. Instead, we could perhaps concentrate on Kate's TV viewing habits - a subject that hurts no one. I only mention this because it has been revealed that the Queen likes to watch Loose Women, a daytime show that sees a panel of females cackle about the issues of the day. This is less surprising than it seems. When a journalist posed as a footman at Buckingham Palace in 2003, he found that the Queen loved to watch The Bill and Kirsty's Home Videos. In 2005, it was reported that Her Majesty had asked Prince Philip to record a crucial episode of EastEnders for her, only for him to accidentally tape an episode of Tonight with Trevor McDonald. They're just like us after all. I don't know about you, but I am relieved that the iPhone 5 is powered by an A6 processor, has a 4G LTE data connection, and is in possession of a 28 megapixel panoramic camera. Zoinks! How did I ever live without these features in my life? Most pleasing is the news that my iPhone 4S - released less than a year ago - has been rendered obsolete in the eyes of Apple addicts, who have more gigabytes of data than they have sense. I'm thinking of going back to one of those old, sturdy Nokias. Unlike the iPhone, it doesn't have an expensive screen that shatters when you throw it at the wall in frustration.