The Ashes 2013-14: England must not only beat Australia but overcome the cauldron atmosphere of the MCG The reasons why the MCG attracts the world's biggest cricket attendances are simple. On Boxing Day in Melbourne there is nothing else to do. Australians break up for their summer holidays shortly before Christmas and, like most people, want to spend Christmas at home. But, come Boxing Day, what's a fella going to do? Stay at home, help with the washing-up and hoover the lawn? Or get on down with his mates to the MCG for a few beers? The sea in Victoria is too cold for swimming without a wet-suit. The city centre or CBD is empty, exhausted after the frenzy of Christmas shopping. Therefore it has to be the MCG - or "the G" as they like to say, because even an abbreviation of three letters is too long. Or housework. Another reason is the city's excellent public transport. From Melbourne's interminable suburbs of brick bungalows, trains and trams speed into the CBD, from where it is a walk to "the G." Like all the bars, shops and catering facilities at the MCG, the transport system is wonderfully efficient - so you can spend the day binge-drinking and still get home. But after going to the Test on Boxing Day, Victorians either drive down the coast or hop on a plane to Queensland's beaches. Flight after flight goes from Melbourne up to the Gold Coast or Sunshine Coast, returning empty. Hence, no matter how interesting the state of the Test, crowds plummet at "the G." If the attendance on Boxing Day is 90,000, on the second day it will be 70,000, on the third 50,000, on the fourth 30,000, and on the fifth 10,000. It was 10,000 on the fifth day of the 1982-3 Test, when Australia had one wicket left and still needed 37 more runs to win. Even though only one wicket remained to be taken - and one ball would have sufficed - a five-figure crowd attended, for free, to see if Allan Border and Jeff Thomson could take the hosts home. Thommo is a humorous man, and a familiar figure on the circuit of business lunches and Q and A sessions, but he still does not see the funny side of the climax of that Test, when he poked at an innocuous ball from Ian Botham and dabbed it to Chris Tavare at second slip, who pushed it over the bar, for Geoff Miller to dart from first slip and grab it. England won by three runs. Overall England's record at the MCG has been as good as at any Test ground in Australia. Since 1997 there has not been a draw, in spite of the odd day being rained off, and England have won two of their four Tests. But "the Melbourne Cricket Ground" is, of course, a misnomer. It should not be known as the MCG at all but the MARG. The ground, although originally designed for cricket, is now used for Australian Rules far more. Three Sheffield Shield matches and one Big Bash 20-over game have taken place at "the G" this season, whereas at weekends outside the cricket season it stages the most popular matches in the AFL. Hence the first drop-in Test pitch in Australia was installed here in 2000. The Aussie Rules players were churning up the ground until September, only a month from the start of the cricket season. So the former curator Tony Ware started growing his pitches in trays near the ground and dropping them in by crane. Having a steep Coliseum-like background of stands does not inconvenience the footballers of Essendon and Prahran, but a cricket ball is far more difficult to spot against the ziggurats than a rugby ball. Still, we can be sure that if David Warner slogs a ball very high up in the air at the MCG, and Monty Panesar gets underneath but drops it, the MCG crowd - every man already on his 10th can - will react with nothing other than restraint, silence, sympathy and indeed compassion. Can't we?