Sketch: Theresa May doffs her cap Cold, hard, spiky, and formed by the steady dripping of calcareous water from a cave roof over a period of thousands of years, Theresa May is essentially a stalagmite in kitten heels. This isn't meant as an insult. It almost certainly does the Home Secretary good to be seen as cold and hard. When, as happened at the weekend, a newspaper leads with the front-page headline "May Goes to War on EU Migrants," I'm sure she's delighted. "I'm going to address the issue rather an individual," retorted Mrs May tersely. True, she didn't address the individual, although I'm not certain she addressed the issue either. The issue was a proposed cap on the number of EU migrants. "You seem reluctant to say the words "the cap is unlawful now"! It is unlawful now!" spluttered Mr Vaz, after minutes of fruitless back-and-forth. Two weeks remained until Romanians and Bulgarians were free to enter Britain. How many did she expect? Her answer was characteristic. "We have not made a prediction," she replied, "about the numbers of people who may come from Romania and Bulgaria into the United Kingdom or indeed into other member states who also remove the transitional controls, states like Germany or France, and that decision not to make a prediction of course has been referred to by independent advisers such as the Migration Advisory Committee who have indicated that it was very difficult to make those sorts of predictions given the number of variables in the issue." I suppose a shorter way of putting it would have been "We haven't got a clue," but no politician likes to use five words when 84 will do. (Answers of that type are Mrs May's speciality. Asked whether David Cameron was right to say it was "mission accomplished" in Afghanistan, she replied, "The Prime Minister is absolutely right to say that the work that has been undertaken by our troops has been developing the capacity of the Afghan forces themselves to provide security and stability." Was that a yes or a no? Your guess is as good as mine.) There was confusion over border management on January 1. Mr Vaz said a senior civil servant had told him "Olympic-style" contingency plans were in place. Mrs May seemed to dispute this. "It will be business as usual," she said flatly. Mr Vaz boggled. "It'll only be Captain Mainwaring standing there!" he cried, a little over-excitably. Reassuringly, Home Office sources have since confirmed that Mr Vaz is incorrect. Both Sergeant Wilson and Corporal Jones will also be on duty, with Private Godfrey on standby in case of emergency.