Peter Pan, NIA, Birmingham, review Congratulations to Stacey Solomon for landing the cushiest Christmas job going. As this arena show's Tinker Bell, the ex-X Factor contestant has all of five minutes work a night. After an hour-and-a-half, she's hauled out of a trapdoor and raised high above the stage to sing You Raise Me Up and waft her arms about. One key change later and she's back in her dressing room. Her casting is so cynical that even the official programme misspells her name. Solomon's gawky, motormouth charm would be perfect for traditional panto - so she's rather wasted in this vapid arena spectacular from Belgium. Scale leaves it a personality-free zone and rather than taking care of J.M. Barrie's enchanting fairytale, it skins it alive. More a themed carnival than a piece of theatre, this is entertainment by E-numbers: sugary, synthetic and migraine-inducing. Director Luc Petit has stitched together a curious amalgam that hops between performance registers. The Darling family and Captain Hook have retained some of their Victorian look (via Disney), but Sandor Stürbl's Peter Pan is re-imagined as an anime character, with a foot-high Jedward quiff and clover-green body armour. Elsewhere Cirque du Soleil acrobatics slam into street dance and large-scale ballet routines, while Nessun Dorma nestles up to Robbie Williams" Angels; Nanny becomes a Chinese lion dance; the ticking crocodile, a six-man polystyrene juggernaut. There's not a second's thought for consistency, because the only concern is with holding our attention from one moment to the next. Admittedly, it never drops us for a second, but narrative clarity goes out the window - even with Solomon's recorded narration - because characters, chorus and computer-generated graphics all compete with one another. It's overwhelmingly busy. That said, Petit's not really out to honour Barrie's story. Why bother when you can swap in pop songs that glibly summarise it? Here Wendy (Lilly-Jane Young) and her brothers leave for Neverland singing Randy Crawford's One Day I'll Fly Away and Peter Pan belts out Alphaville's Forever Young. Everything relies on familiarity, not invention. It's no-one's fault, per se: theatre simply can't survive at this scale. Even striking circus acts look like tumbling Lillputians. Instead, mechanics become the main player and the show's biggest coup is having Peter Pan fly without wires, 'skydiving" in the 190mph jetstream generated by a sub-stage wind turbine. It's impressive, sure, but never once threatens to leave a lasting impression. Touring until January 16. For tickets click here