Undercover florist: 'A man bought Valentine's roses for 17 women' Flowers make men optimistic about love. I once took an order from a man for 17 individual roses, all to be sent to different women, with a note attached to each one reading "from your secret admirer." That's the "scatter gun" approach. Then there's the "all or nothing" approach: another man ordered one hundred roses for a woman he was going on a blind date with. She must have either run a mile, or fallen in love with him then and there. There's certainly no centre ground when it comes to a bouquet this heavy. There can be confusions too. A few months ago I produced a huge bouquet for a woman, which was sent with an anonymous card. The following day, I received a frantic call: "Who are they from?" she demanded. The man didn't leave a name, so I apologised and wished her well. An hour later, a very flustered looking woman in her mid-thirties appeared in the florist, demanding to speak to whoever had produced this bouquet. She promptly pulled out of her bag A4 pictures of two men, and asked who had bought the bouquet. One man was her husband, and the other her lover. Her husband had bought the flowers. She looked crestfallen, then left in a huff. Then there are the brides, who come armed with pastel-toned swatches, belligerent mothers and all manner of neuroses. They are always oblivious to the seasons, and want succulent lily of the valley in mid-winter and crisp snowdrops in summer. On the other hand, they tend to have roomy budgets. Flowers can convey more malignant feelings too. A man once asked me to produce a bouquet that could suggest to his mother-in-law that he thought she was awful, but would look, on the surface at least, like a thank-you present. He had done his research, and asked for a mix of mint (suspicion), hydrangea (heartlessness) and marigold (pain). Fortunately I had none of these flowers, so he left with a simple bunch of tulips. Just as flowers can symbolise all the joys and tomfoolery of life, they also symbolise the misery of death. A cluster of care homes nearby all have accounts with us, and funeral flowers are important business. In Charles Dicken's Oliver, the undertaker Mr Sowerberry exclaims that "it's a sickly season" so "coffins are looking up." And death is good news for florists too. Lilies are the most notable British funereal flower, but care must be taken when it comes to other nationalities. An Italian woman rang up to ask why she had received a bouquet with carnations in when she was still "very much alive." The carnation is a symbol of death in Italy. Flower diplomacy is important. David Cameron failed to pay attention to the meaning of flowers back in 2010, when he wore a poppy on his lapel during a trade visit to China. For Cameron, the poppy commemorated Armistice Day, but for the Chinese, the flower was a vivid symbol of the Opium Wars, and a reminder of China's humiliation at the hands of Europe. My own encounters are less political. As Eliza Doolittle found, being a twenty-something girl working surrounded by roses seems to draw attention, wanted or not. Roses are sometimes bought and then handed back with a wink. Sadly I've yet to meet a professor of phonetics offering to turn me into a duchess. The best alternative flowers to roses for Valentine's Day