Friends: The One with the War Game "Well, yes," said Dave. But it's also an invaluable tool in plotting our path to victory. In fact, you're just in time to see my triumphant counter-attack. He gestured at a group of blue figures in the middle of the board, one of which was wearing a little crown. We've got the Malian insurgents in full retreat, and are sending our auxiliaries - that's Nick and his mob, in yellow - to skirmish with Ed and the reds. That should wear them down enough to be unable to resist our charge, after which we'll turn our attention to the mob in Brussels. Here he pointed at yet another collection of pieces, separated from the main board by a body of water. "I see," said Sam, who'd been leafing through the rulebook. Do you mind if I sketch out an alternative? "By all means," said Dave. What if these Malian rebels are fleeing back towards the desert so you'll extend your supply lines, and have to face them on their own terrain, all the while being bombarded by the Brussels artillery? "Hmm," said Dave. Hadn't thought of that. "And what," continued Sam, "if instead of these little yellow pieces fighting the red ones, they form an alliance, like they did over the boundary review? Then you'll have to face both at the same time, on unfavourable terrain. And I don't think you've noticed this lot" - she pointed at a smaller band of dark blue figures - "who I assume are Adam Afriyie and co, ready to pounce on you from the right flank. Or the purple Ukip pieces, blocking off any retreat to the left. "Ah, but you're forgetting my secret weapon," said Dave. The British special forces. The best unit in the game, and rightly so. All I have to do is reposition them... hang on, where have they gone? "Sorry," said Sam, who'd plucked up the little men in camouflage and was putting them back in the box. But it turns out, it costs one gold piece a round to maintain them. And your treasury's empty. "What?" said Dave. Can't I just tax my peasants more? "Apparently not," said Sam. In fact, it looks as if you've been inflating your income by taking extra gold pieces from the bank for quite a few turns now. "Well, blow this for a game of soldiers," said Dave. I guess I'll go and practise for the EU summit instead. On which note, can you remember what I did with that poker table?