A Royal Charter for the British internet Infuriated by Fleet Street's tabloids, the House of Lords this week nodded through a law to curb the British press. It authorised a Royal Charter that defines how self-regulation will work after the Leveson inquiry into phone hacking. The detail was agreed at a late-night meeting attended by senior politicians from the UK's three main political parties, and representatives of Hacked Off, which campaigned for reform. The meeting ended in the early hours while David Cameron, the prime minister who had pledged to protect press freedom, was asleep. The FT described this outcome as "a horse-traders" ball." It angered many publications and some have threatened to reject the "voluntary" system. To encourage them, the law permits judges to impose punitive damages for "outrageous" breaches by papers that refuse to become members of an approved regulatory body under the Royal Charter (or, if the regulatory body is judged not harsh enough, those covered by it). Royal Charters, written for a millennium in calligraphy on vellum, are the constitutional founding device for bodies such as the British Broadcasting Corporation. This one extends its press regulation to online publications, which scared bloggers and led to an amendment to exclude "publishers of small-scale blogs." The government promised to do more work on the drafting. I have obtained the revised Royal Charter for the Internet, drafted this week at Chequers, the PM's official country residence, while he played tennis. The finishing touches were applied by the Lord Chamberlain and Hugh Grant, press reform campaigner and actor, who played a comedy prime minister in Love Actually . Here is the latest text: Eliz abeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom and all of Our other realms: To All of Whom these Presents shall come, Greetings! WHEREAS on 13th July, 2011, Our Prime Minister announced to Our Parliament the establishment of an Inquiry into the culture, practices and ethics of the Press (not before time, in Our Opinion). AND WHEREAS the Entire Affair has been a Rolling Disaster unleashed by a Prime Minister who, on the rare occasions that he was awake, believed he could pull a fast one by making Me sign a Royal Charter, rather than a Law. AND WHEREAS the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States protecting Free Speech and the Freedom of the Press was approved by Puritan Traitors to the Monarch. AND WHEREAS a marvellous electronic publication device entitled The Internet, of which Our Ministers are largely ignorant, was invented by Sir Timothy Berners-Lee, Knight of this Realm. NOW KNOW YE that We by Our Prerogative Royal of Our especial grace, certain knowledge and mere motion do declare: There shall be a body corporate known as the Internet Publication, Aggregation, Slideshows and Tweeting Commission (iPast). The iPast may employ staff and engage such people whose services are deemed expedient. It will reward them according to Page Views of iPast arbitration judgments and how well they deal with Internet Commenters. The iPast shall prepare annual budgets for each year and shall have venture capital funding rounds to cover costs, whilst minimising equity dilution to the Crown. At the end of a four-year Period, it shall explore an initial public offering and then sell itself to Google. The iPast shall consider the concepts of effectiveness, fairness and objectivity of standards. It shall dismiss them as antiquated and typical of the guild mentality of American journalists. The iPast shall warn bloggers, tweeters, publishers of Vine videos and Facebook friends whenever an individual makes clear that they do not welcome media intrusion, or the reposting of drunken photos from recent ski holidays. The iPast shall friend for surveillance purposes any person publishing news-related material in the UK, on Servers, Routers, Cables, or Vibrating Airwaves. It shall monitor Foreigners who send news-related material written in The Queen's English from Other Realms and Territories to Our Citizens in order to Monetise them with Internet Biscuits. The iPast shall make a grudging exception for news-related material published on Remote Servers mostly to inform Foreigners. "News-related material" means news and information about current affairs; gossip about celebrities and their current affairs; coverage of film and television actors, whether or not they still command First Dollar Gross; and photographs of Monarchs and their Heirs. Protection by iPast shall be deemed to have been waived by a celebrity - For Illustration, Justin Bieber - who parades with his Tunic removed and his Leggings loose. Except for Prince Henry of Wales, Commodore-in-Chief of Small Ships and Diving. Thus, the iPast shall ignore Buzzfeed's Definitive Guide To Stalking Prince Harry During His Visit To America WHEREAS it shall impose punitive damages if Buzzfeed UK publishes a Guide To Stalking Prince Harry During His Visits To Mayfair Nightclubs. It shall not bother Summly, an Internet Device invented by Nicholas D'Aloisio, Youth of this Realm, which transmutes Stories and Photographs of the kind condemned by Lord Justice Leveson into Free Content. Master D'Aloisio has been paid $30m by Yahoo and We grant him Safe Harbour as a Knight of Silicon Roundabout. NOW KNOW YE that this Royal Charter is the best Our Ministers could manage in the time available with the Mess they created. If you don't like it, Blog about it.