San Marino v England: live Thanks for your company, I'll talk to you again soon. 90 min Colin Whiting wants one final crack at a correct prediction: Time added on? My bet is a nominal 45 seconds- the ref's cold, bored and got writers' cramp from noting down all the goals. He's got more than half a thought on his lavish and luxurious changing room, knowing he's got to get in there before the linesmen or all the hotwater will be gone. He'll blow up, swift handshake and do a classic 'shoplifter's scurry' half jog off the pitch. 89 min I'm reliably informed that the England fans have been singing some very rude songs about Rio Ferdinand. I'm not sure he can hear them from his luxury studio in Qatar. 86 min Defoe seemingly doesn't want to pay the extra baggage charge for taking the match ball home with him, screwing wide in quite an unusual way with a shot from the left. 85 min Defoe heads wide when he should perhaps have done better. Walker given the limited freedom of San Marino on the right again, pulled back a workable cross but the Spurs chap couldn't find the target. 83 min Here are the fruits of my phone call... Take this with the usual pinch of Twsalt that you add to anything without a verified sky blue tick, but this is apparently the official Twitter feed of the San Marino FA, and they are about as angy as our old pal Andrew Goodare: 81 min It's San Marino's third and final sub. Look, I'll level with you, I had to call a colleague. I failed to note who went on and who went off. Reasonably sure the man removed was Bollini. 80 min Here's The Ox doing his best "I've been fouled, me" face: San Marino 0 England 8 (Defoe) It's another for England, another tap in, another for Defoe, and it's far too easy from a wide position again. Slid in beautifully by Walker from the right after he reached the byline. Nice enough finish from Defoe. San Marino will be lucky to escape with a draw now. 77 min Another pertinent statistical tweet from our friends at Opta: 74 min Another sub for San Marino, it's lone striker and man who I'm not sure has touched the ball Andy Selva off. Danilo Rinaldi, in many ways the Sammarinese Ronaldo, is on. "He works for a furniture company," says Clive Tyldesley, involuntarily. Here's the unfiltered fury of Andrew Goodare: You are terrible and very disrespectful. As an Englishman and supporter of (England - just incase you were wondering) poking fun at a country that doesn't have the ability or capacity to compete, is less than professional, and less than the standard of being a mature adult. Grow up! Sorry, Andrew. Sorry, San Marino. I'm not sure I mean that, but I do hope you both feel okay. 72 min All over in Moldova (wahey!) by the way. Montenegro pulled off an irritating 1-0 win. I suppose their struggle compared to England's stroll tonight is pleasing news for Tuesday night's encounter. San Marino 0 England 7 (Sturridge) Ashley Young does a cross from the left without a player within 10 yards of him. Sturridge peels off his man and makes no mistake with his head this time, heading past Simoncini with relative ease. This is going to take a mammoth effort from San Marino to turn this around now. 68 min San Marino bring on body number 15, who replaces body number 11. How will that affect this gripping match? A: probably not at all. 67 min Scott Parker comes on for Lampard in England's final change. Joleon Lescott takes the armband, captaincy fans. 66 min San Marino have a corner! A chant from their young fans too! Della Valle is the target but it comes back off Walker. Hart claims it. 65 min The Ox clips a shot over with the outside of his foot from just shy of the box. It's over. Here's Jermain Defoe apparently experiencing the same level of despair after scoring that keeper Simoncini experienced after conceding: 63 min San Marino have a shot! Cervellini has a go from 30 yards after a poor clearance from Hart. It's at least 30 yards wide. More England goal fun, here's Wayne Rooney's free kick for the sixth: 61 min Sturridge heads wide with approx 97% of the goal to aim for after a nicely judged cross from The Ox from the right-hand side. Sturridge conspires to hit the post, despite the fact that his marker Vitaioli was in the process of falling over. 59 min Cervellini, whose invented patronising job that must be mentioned at every opportunity is "baker" joins his mate Simoncini (a gravedigger. In my mind) in the book for a foul on The Ox. Here's Colin Whiting seemingly bemoaning the fact that if you're on the squad you get to sit on the bench. Sorry, Colin: I know SAF picked Van Persie / Giggs / Scholes on the bench in the cup against West Ham, ready to bring on as the rescue squad...but has Hodgson really sat Gerrard on the bench ready to come on and save the day if the team get in trouble? If ever a match screamed out 'blood the youngsters' its this one... 55 min Montenegro have the lead in Moldova. Curses. Time for some England subs, Sturridge on for Rooney, Cleverley makes way for international footballer Leon Osman. San Marino 0 England 6 (Rooney) Wayne Rooney makes no mistake from the free kick. I realise that's usually the language of penalty kicks, but that free kick, 30ish yards out and dead centre, always felt like one. Bent over the wall and into the corner with uneasy ease. That's not the start San Marino would have wanted to the second half. 53 min The match has its first yellow card, and it's shown to Simoncini. Davide, the centre back, not the keeper. He slides in from behind on Cleverley and is somewhat fortunate it's not red. 51 min Still all England as you'd expect, but they're yet to breach the moderately stubborn San Marino defence. Rooney has a go from 30 yards. Over, for the 200th corner.Here's the clear highlight so far, Ashley Young's cracker to make it 0-X. Where "X" represents "this could be any score, really" 47 min Interestingly, certainly more interestingly than this game, Group H leaders Montenegro are currently being held to a 0-0 draw in Moldova, and are down to 10 men. 46 min The Swiss referee appears to wait patiently for the England trumpeting chaps to finish their rendition of the national anthem (not the Radiohead song, sadly) before declaring this second half open for business. 20.45 Zero minutes of added time and this is now an exercise in avoiding injury for England. Join me for that, if you'd like, in 15 minutes. 44 min There's something fairly enjoyable about seeing quite how good these England players are compared to the average man on the street, given that San Marino's team is essentially entirely made up of average men on the street. That's about the only thing keeping this vaguely entertaining as a spectacle. I'm finding myself agreeing with Andy Townsend, which is quiet unsettling. He's making the point that San Marino may as well go for games like these in some way. What's the difference for them in attacking, even for just a bit, and losing 12-0 or defending ridiculously narrow and ridiculously deep and "only" losing by seven or eight? San Marino 0 England 5 (Lampard) Way too easy for Baines, obviously, to reach the byline on the left. He pulls back for Lampard, Rooney leaves it well alone with a nice intentional nutmegging thang, Lampard finds the bottom corner. San Marino really have a mountain to climb now. San Marino 0 England 4 (Young) That's an excellent goal from Ashley Young. Ferociously lashed into the top corner from at least 25 yards out on the left-hand side. Enjoyably hits the bottom of the bar after beating Simoncini, who was entirely devoid of blame. Is there any way back now for San Marino? Answer: no. 38 min England are still on top here, believe it or not. Hard to know what to say about, what to pick out from a game like this. Lampard has a shot from 25 yards which Simoncini spills, but the keeper gathers the rebound. Here's England's forgotten man looking a bit lonely on the bench: San Marino 0 England 3 (Defoe) The Ox heads a high ball back across goal where Defoe, entirely onside this time, can't miss. And doesn't. Have England wrapped this up before half-time????? Answer: yes. Did England wrap this up by successfully turning up for the game???? 34 min England goal ruled out. Young beats the offside trap and is in behind, no more than eight yards out. Squares for Defoe for a tap-in. Looked behind or in line Young to me but never mind because... 32 min Walker realises that this lot aren't much cop and decides he'll have a big, powerful dribble towards goal from the right. He breezes past everyone in blue he encounters and delivers a low cross. The result? A corner, of course. England's thirteenth, Clive Tyldesley usefully informs me. Unproductive again. San Marino 0 England 2 (Oxlade-Chamb) The Ox has his second international goal, and his performance thus far has deserved it. Really pleasing interplay between him and Rooney and some laudable speed of thought and foot. A one-two, a trick, and a firm finish in traffic just inside the box. Marvellous. Still, it's only San Marino. 28 min Baines aims for Rooney with the set play. I tell you what: San Marino aren't half bad at defending corners. 26 min It's yet another corner. (England's) A revised prediction from Colin Whiting: I hadn't factored in the San Marino players being so shocked at not losing within the first ten minutes that they panic and score an own-goal themselves. Still, now normal service resumed. 8-0 England. Defoe and Rooney on two each, then some sort of unseemly 'who takes the penalty' squabble as they are both after their hat-tricks, which will make the back-page headlines tomorrow. Here is the own goal of which he speaks: 25 min Young shoots from the left after a nice passing move featuring Lampard and Cleverley. Deflected... For a corner. Simoncini beats Lescott to it. Here's Martin Kelner on the evening's key subplot: 23 min Fairly sure there's been another corner since my last update. I am genuinely losing count, but I feel like that might be nine already. This is a sad day for predicting. England are doing little with the set plays, incidentally. 22 min Baines wins England a free kick which he takes himself on the left-hand side. Headed away by Bollini, but San Marino concede another corner moments later. Here's Wazza trying desperately hard not to get injured: 21 min Lampard heads over under pressure again. He seems to be the token England player that San Marino are electing to mark from set pieces. 20 min The Ox looking sharpest for England thus far. He's full of the sort of quick turns and untrackable pace that you'd expect of a flat track bully / Arsenal player. England have yet another corner. I make that seven but am fast losing interest. Paul Emery joins the trendy haiku writing set with this profound effort: If you can score five They'll ask why was it not ten You just cannot win 18 min A good point well made by Julian Beach on that Twitter: 16 min Another England corner, which drops nicely for Defoe, more or less unmarked close to the back post. He heads over. He should score. 15 min That's one of tomorrow's potential news angles gone: England labouring against minnows and failing to score early enough. 12 minutes is definitely early enough. Simoncini looks to handle outside his area, seemingly thinking if he snatches a loose ball with both hands that's marginally the wrong side of his area no-one will notice. Rooney appeals, but the referee shows sensible kindness and looks the other way. San Marino 0 England 1 (Della Valle OG) Decent long ball to the left hand side where Baines is onside and past Vitaioli. He crosses dangerously, Rooney is lurking and would surely have a tap-in but Della Valle does his job for him, finshing with amusing panache past his own man. Who had 12 minutes? Not me, and not Colin Whiting either: Here's a prediction for you then...What are the odds on 0-0 at half-time? Then you'd have a nation switching on, sniffing a scandalous upset! I reckon they'll hold out to 27 minutes, which will still be long enough to cause a bead of sweat to run down the back of Roy's puffacoat... 11 min Oxlade-Chamberlain hits the bar! Athletic volley after a neat bit of chest control from Rooney's knock down. Dinks it over the keeper and beats him, but it comes back off the woodwork. Time for the evening's first pertinent statistical tweet from our friends at Opta: 9 min Baines takes this one, from the right. Simoncini punches it away in the unusual style of a under-10s player. Soon after, England have another corner. Six already, but this one's easily claimed by the Sammarinese keeper. 8 min Another corner straight away for England. 16 is looking conservative. Even more so now that the latest corner leads to yet another. 7 min San Marino set up in their familiar 10-0-0 formation. England with basically uninterrupted possession, and Walker wins a free kick 30 or so yards out on the right. Played short for Lampard... Well saved, Simoncini! Came out to deny the Chelsea midfielder from a tight angle. Some rotten defencing from Palazzi there. Another corner. 5 min Another England corner, Della Valle sliding in to prevent Rooney from shooting. Played short, then Young crosses towards the far post. Lescott puts a tame header over. 4 min Lampard heads over under reasonably intense pressure from Palazzi after the corner. 3 min First real sight of goal for England, Defoe somewhat surprisingly ruled onside on the left and pulls it back for Lampard. He shoots, but it's blocked by Cervellini for an England corner. Their first of 16. Definitely definitely. 2 min Time of first throw-in: 1:13. I was a disappointing 30 seconds out. Andy Holgate takes the bait, and has written us a lovely haiku: In early spring snow The England manager wants A Wenger style coat 1 min Here we go then, let's have something resembling a football match. England kick off and fail to score after eight seconds. Boooo. 19.58 Anthem time. I've rarely seen a less interested national anthem performance than that of the Sammarinese team there. It doesn't help that theirs is instrumental. Where's the fun in that? 19.56 Teams filing out. San Marino have bespoke tracksuit tops. I wonder if you can buy them? I'd quite like one. I might start a Kickstarter fund... Here's some pre-match music from Leighton Baines' head: 19.54 The teams are in the imaginary tunnel. It's a vaguely-defined outside area just shy of the pitch. Right, time for some predictions. Got to make this slightly more engaging somehow. And there's no money in my betting account Score: 0-7 Time of first goal: 12 mins First goalscorer: Frank Lampard Number of penalties: Two Number of penalties scored: One Time of first throw-in: 1:43 Number of England corners: 16 Leighton Baines' haircut: 100 19.50 Not quite a haiku, more's the pity, but nonetheless it's a POEM from Clive Young. What a treat! Nutured by (Tonbridge) Angels. Blossomed in Scandinavia. Dressed by Arsene Wenger. 19.45 Here's Peter Littley with some important information pertaining to the 18.15 update: By contrast, here is the Home Team Dressing room: 19.40 Roy Hodgson's grimacing act on the pitch is not doing the overall mood any favours: 19.35 More grimness adding to the overall tone of "urrrrgh" which is enveloping this evening from Twitter's Jonathan Northcroft: 19.32 I am legally obliged to tell you that these fans have "the best seats in the house": They do not. They're going to have a very average evening indeed. Have you ever seen a more grim picture from the usually-joyous category of football supporters preparing to watch football? 19.29 Here are the full teams, now with added San Marino: San Marino: Aldo Simoncini, Fabio Vitaioli, Palazzi, Alessandro Della Valle, Davide Simoncini, Cervellini, Gasperoni, Cibelli, Fabio Bollini, Selva, Matteo Vitaioli. Subs: Federico Valentini, Bacciocchi, Bianchi, Buscarini, Coppini, Alex Della Valle, Rinaldi, Carlo Valentini, Vannucci. England: Hart, Walker, Smalling, Lescott, Baines, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Lampard, Cleverley, Young, Rooney, Defoe. Subs: Foster, Parker, Cole, Taylor, Caulker, Milner, Gerrard, Carrick, Osman, Welbeck, Sturridge, Forster. Referee: Alain Bieri (Switzerland) 19.15 Here's Paul Hayward articulating the problem I discussed in my intro in a far more elegant way than I managed: 19.00 Tonight's retro highlights are inevitably brought to you by the year 1993: 18.45 An email is here! And it's from your friend and mine Tom Parr: 'Your Luxembourgs your Moldovas or your Northern Irelands'!!! Wow, thanks Thom. Thanks so much for home nations solidarity! 18.30 Here's Henry Winter with what looks like a fairly reasonable score prediction for tonight if you ask me: 18.15 Here's the slightly-less-well-appointed-than-usual dressing room that our brave boys will be forced to endure tonight: Thanks for joining us for tonight's key sporting massacre, live from some hamlet near Italy. Well, not live from there, but live from an office with reasonable televisual facilities which, to all intents and purposes, is for the best. It's a half-hearted argument as old as time, but one that resolutely resists a definitive answer: Should matches like this exist? I'm of the opinion that international football is richer for including silly-little teams like San Marino. And there's also the fair question about how teams at this level could possibly hope to improve if it were not for playing teams like England. But that doesn't make nights like tonight seem any less pointless or any more fulfilling to experience. San Marino are a different kind of awful to your Luxembourgs, your Moldovas and your Northern Irelands. They're at the very bottom of Fifa's revered and important world rankings, with only Turks and Caicos Islands below them, and I'm pretty sure that's just a made up place invented to give San Marino a scrap of alphabetically-ordered comfort. They're no hopers, and are going to lose heavilly tonight. At least it might be to an England team set up to score as many goals as possible. In what looks to me a lot like a 4-4-2, the following XI is expected: Hart; Walker, Smalling, Lescott, Baines; Oxlade-Chamberlain, Lampard, Cleverley, Young; Rooney, Defoe. That'll be alright, right? Entertaining sweepstake suggestions, critical San Marino team news and ruminations of national identity to follow, stay tuned.