Fiona McCade: Take control of your life ... or I will THERE is an episode of Friends in which Rachel, realising that she's made a lot of mistakes, allows sensible, strong-minded Monica to become her official decision-maker, to stop her doing anything else unwise. Of course, it all goes horribly wrong. Rachel immediately wants to do something unwise, Monica takes the reins and tells her not to, so Rachel decides to sack her, but Monica refuses to go because she's the one who makes the decisions, and so on until Rachel does the unwise thing anyway, and the whole arrangement falls apart. Much to Monica's disgust. I'm on Monica's side, frankly. There are a lot of people out there who need a firm hand, but they're utterly incapable of doing it for themselves. They do dumb things. But in worst-case scenarios, they then blame other people for not preventing them from ruining their own lives. Two stories in this week's news illustrate my point perfectly. First, former girl-about-town (I'm really not sure what she does when she's not on the operating table) Alicia Douvall has had more cosmetic treatments than almost anybody on earth - more than 330 at the last count - and it's cost her more than £1 million. After nearly 20 years of surgical intervention - including getting her toes shortened - she's finally realised that this might not be the path to happiness. So, she appeared on Monday's Lorraine show to complain that: "None of those doctors tried to stop me. I think they just wanted my money. I know, Alicia, I know. Considering the reputation the cosmetic surgery industry has for selflessness, altruism and philanthropy, it's amazing that they took your cash so willingly. However, it must also be pointed out that you lied about your age to qualify for your first procedure and, thereafter, you knew exactly what you were letting yourself in for, so really, where does the responsibility lie? Hot on Alicia's surgically-enhanced heels comes the tale of a Yorkshire couple who won £1.8 million on the National Lottery in 2005, and now have just £7. They are blaming each other: he says she bought too many handbags; she says, comprehensively, that he "f****d up everything." Needless to say, they are no longer together. All of these people are blaming someone else for their misfortunes, yet none of them seems to have had the brain - or will - power to say "stop!" and to take charge of their lives. So, that's why I've decided we need a new kind of therapy. Stories like this make me so mad, I'm wondering if I should set myself up as a kind of truth-teller, or life-guide. People like this - who dislike answering for their actions - could pay me to do it for them. For a fair fee, I'd give them the truth and a big, fat kick up the backside (metaphorical or actual, the payer decides) to get them on to the straight and narrow. Life coaching has its place, using nurture and encouragement to help people make their own choices, but sometimes, something stronger is needed. I'm thinking of calling it Life Fascism. Or Life Control, if the f-word offends. Either way, it'll be strong stuff for feckless people. Like Monica from Friends, I have no problem with exercising power and domination over someone else, especially when they've mad a right mess of things so far. I think lots of us need a Life Controller; someone who will tell us exactly what to do, and make decisions for us. Someone who can say with total authority: "Do as I say, because I know better than you." I've decided (see?!) to start my new business by publishing a pop-up book called Get A Grip. You open it at Page 1 and a paper fist pops out and punches you in the face. Then you'll know what to expect right from the start. It's obvious that Alicia Douvall needs to be my first Life Control client, because she's already saying: "I may need surgery again to correct damage caused by too many operations, but I won't if I can help it." The thing is, Alicia, you can help it. You can take responsibility for yourself, right this minute. But since you think you can't, let me "help it" for you. I promise, it'll cost you less than £1m.