Rowan Dean draws up a menu It is such a shame Rowan Dean's columns are hidden behind a pay wall. He really is a terrific writer: As the Prime Minister of this country, I am often asked: "What is the best way to serve up quail?" My response is always the same: There are many exciting and unusual ways to put quail on the menu, and they all make a great way of distracting your guests from talking about any awkward topics. Below is a list of my favourites: Afghan Quail: This is a highly-prized dish in many remote parts of the Middle East. Although it is very expensive â each dish can cost around $10,000 â I have made sure it is as hassle-free and easy to implement as possible. First, the quail must be imported into this country via aeroplane to Indonesia and then by boat to any of our northern shores. Note: Dispose of any paper wrapped around the quail and it's important to put sugar on the table or some other suitable sweetener. Avoid drowning the quail in salty brine as this can lead to unpleasant and impertinent questions from pesky reporters, which you must not answer under any circumstances. Asbestos Quail: A national dish that deserves to be rolled out as slowly as possible to maximise the flavour. The best way to cook the quail is in a deep hole dug up in the pavement or the front yard. If you're planning an extra large banquet, dig lots of them. My friend Stephen always recommends lighting a bonfire in the hole using lots of hundred dollar bills and seasoning with dieldrin and asbestos powder (blue is best but white or brown will do). It's best to remove the asbestos entirely before you serve, which is a thoroughly unpleasant job, so first cover yourself completely by employing a dodgy subcontractor. Rowan's schtick is to write political satire. But stick him in front of a TV camera to opine and he can get very tough indeed. Thanks to reader OnceWasAGlobalWarmingAlarmist.