On the Drama of the Only Child Re "Only Children: Lonely and Selfish?," by Lauren Sandler (Sunday Review, June 9): The only-child discussions seem to me always to miss the point. We are only children for 18 years, but we are only-children adults for the next 60 or 70. This to me counts as shortchanging one's offspring. We onlies miss the joys of nieces and nephews, support in times of crisis, help in caring for aged parents and the shared memory of childhood. The acid test might be to survey sibling-deprived adults to determine whether they followed family tradition by having only one child. Among my own acquaintances, the onlies generally populated their families with more than one, expressing their dissatisfaction with the circumstances of their own adult lives. The writer is the author of a children's picture book, "Here I Am, an Only Child." I cannot help but agree with Lauren Sandler on some things, since I have an only child, a son who has grown up well adjusted, smart and happy. But I have a problem with the assumption about why parents have only one child, often supposed to be selfishness. I did not plan to have an only child, nor was I selfish, nor did I care about my status. I have an only child because my marriage broke up; I would have happily had another. Another problem with these studies is that they put families in boxes: the only-child box, the divorced-parent box, the single-mother box - all of which I am in. They oversimplify family situations. I have seen the offspring of single divorced mothers grow up happy and successful, and I have seen children of two-parent families turn out disastrously. Regarding the precocity of only children, my granddaughter at 2, like Ms. Sandler's daughter, could tell the difference between the crayon colors magenta and pink, and she is not an only child. So much for boxes. Having a brother only 18 months younger than I, I decided to have one child, and said that if I wanted another, I would space them out in time. That's just what my husband and I did. Todd is 30 and Samara is 23. I felt as if I had two "only children." I wanted to devote my attention and my empathic listening to each of them with little or no rivalry for my or my husband's time. They are both warm, compassionate, smart adults with strong moral compasses. It all starts at home. Children learn what they live. Caring, compassionate parents love their children unconditionally, with boundaries based on their health, safety and welfare. Helping one's children become their best selves is a great place to start. The writer, a marriage and family psychotherapist, is the author of "What Do You Expect? She's a Teenager! A Hope and Happiness Guide for Moms With Daughters Ages 11-19.