True Blood season 6 premiere recap True Blood S6 E1 Recap I've always found True Blood to be a delightfully silly television program. There's outrageous storylines mixed with terrific characters, fantastic amounts of gore and a liberal splash of nudity. Wonderful, Alcide-heavy nudity. To be honest with you, vampires have never really been my thing. Back when I was a 13-year-old girl, I was into Jane Austen and serial killers. Far more sensible. Sure, I enjoyed Buffy and Angel when they came around, but I never truly got why the damned vampires were so damned popular. They're narcissistic murderers, people. They're banal hipsters with dentures and god complexes. And they're not even sexy... ooh, is that Eric Northman without a shirt? So yes, True Blood has been the first vampire-based fictional show that I've really gotten behind, and partly that's because of the bloody viscera, but mostly because it's unashamedly proud about what it is: a fun, sexy, schlocky trashfest. Family strains: Eric and Pam in True Blood. Season six has just begun, and like a vampire on a fairy, I'm ready to suck it right up. So I present to you the Fangs A Lot True Blood recap. Episode 1: Who Are You, Really? When we last left our intrepid gang of adventurers, Bill Compton had just risen, Terminator-style, from a pool of his own blood. He'd drunk all of hallucinogenic, non-canonical Biblical character Lilith's red stuff, which seemed to have given him strange new powers including roaring and wearing a blood bodysuit. Eric and Sookie were able to join up with Pam, Tara, Nora, Jess and a rabid Jason to escape; Sookie using some of her precious fairy power to light a falling elevator. As the Vampire Authority burned to a cinder, they spotted Bill wandering through the flames like Hugo Weaving in V for Vendetta. Jess feels bad that they're abandoning her maker, but there's no time to waste, they must away to ... a pier, it seems. Tensions break out when Nora is revealed as Eric's sister, Pam gets shirty, then Jason drops the Warlow bombshell and winds up with a gun in Nora's face. Once again Sookie backs up the vamps, much to Jason's chagrin. Well, it would be chagrin if he were in the least stable; as it is he has a massive tanty and runs off in a huff. Now, it was a bit of a convenient plot device for Jason to hitch a lift with a spooky man who would obviously turn out to be Warlow, but then you realise OH MAN IT'S RUTGER EFFING HAUER. Rutger Hauer, people. Casting Rutger Hauer as a hilariously camp big boss vampire is the best piece of casting since Rutger Hauer played the hilariously camp big boss vampire in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. I mean, did you see his eyes? They were flickering and twitching like a doped-up candle. And that voice! Despite these warning signs, Jason proceeded to rattle off his life story, because he's not very bright. But he was emotional. And very pretty. Meanwhile Sookie has driven Jess back to Bill's house, as he's called her there, and she's going nuts trying to resist the pull. They find Bill, looking all genteel-like, out on his porch like a proper southern gentleman. "I just want to talk," he implores. Nora and Eric arrive but Bill dispatches the Gainsborough girl with ease, and is about to overpower Eric when Sookie stakes him from behind (oo-er). He tells them to get out, Jess tells them to get out, then Eric is all MOON MOON MOON SOOKIE YOU SAVED ME. Well, he was a bit more stoic than that, but in my fan fiction version where I play Sookie he's VERY emphatic. Eric gives Sookie back her house using a time-honoured old lawyer's tradition of writing in blood (take that, lawyers). She then throws him out, saying she wants her life back, and he retreats automatically like a bad 80s video clip. How many times now has Sookie said she wants her life back? Like, 70 every episode? Because obviously bussing tables at Merlotte's is such a big career she's got to get back to. We're introduced to a new character - the Louisiana mayor, or governor, or whatever he was. I can't remember his name, but he looked a lot like Walter White from Breaking Bad. He's willing to handover free reign of a bottling plant to the Tru Blood manufacturing people as long as he gets some campaign funding. Why he would need that when he's obviously doing so well out of the methamphetamine business is anyone's guess, but we need a Big Bad this season. Oh, but I'm not the Big Bad, says Governor Walter, either cleverly undermining assumed TV arc tropes, or just flat out lying. He's certainly no friend to vampires, ordering them underground on a curfew and commandeering vampire-owned businesses. This happens exceedingly quickly, and a bunch of super-SWAT jocks burst in on Pam and Tara who were having a MOMENT, thank you very much. SWAT jock alpha blasts Tara with some laser-guided stun gun which implies that Governor Walter has been planning new tech for a while. Sam Merlotte is once again the poor True Blood whipping puppy, whose sole job is to be emotionally walloped from Bon Temps to Shreveport every damn episode. That man is legally not allowed more than five minutes of happiness. He and Luna had done some kick ass Mission: Impossible work to find her daughter Emma, only for Luna to choke due to too much time skin-walking. Covered in blood, Sam makes it back to Merlotte's to be confronted by a drunk Lafayette, who agrees to keep his location a secret. Lafayette always has the best lines, and telling Emma that he would do something about her hair - mere hours after her mother has died - was sublime. Andy Bellefleur is having a hard time coming to terms with being a new dad to four fairy girl babies. Arlene gives him a good talking to, and then she and Terry walk him through a nappy change. Luckily though, nappies seem to be a one-night wonder, as the girls wake up the next morning as walking, talking toddlers. Ahh, the old "children-growing-up-really-quick" trick. Soap operas do it without excuses, but dramas have to find a reason. Luckily that's easy for supernatural shows. Think of Gabrielle's kid Hope in Xena: Warrior Princess, and Angel's kid Connor in Angel. Also, think about how many amazing things I could do if I turned my brain to analysing science or something instead of TV tropes. Finally, Alcide has become pack master with the traditional "Gorging on the Corpse of Your Fallen Predecessor" ceremony. It's still infused with V, obviously, because Alcide goes a little wild out there in the woods. Now I don't want Alcide to turn bad. Sure, he has a butt that could polish diamonds, but it was always his honour that was dead sexy. So I hope his newfound power doesn't go to his head, a la General Sherman in Bill's story to Jess. I wasn't certain what to make of Bill - was he tricking Jess or was he genuinely confused? He certainly seemed surprised by the fact that he now appeared to be a magician with the power to stop glasses of water in mid-air. He probably would've tried to pull a rabbit from his sleeve if that trio of bloody Liliths hadn't have shown up. So, conscience-struggling Bill? Or playing-the-game power Bill? How was True Blood's return for you? I look forward to your theories in the comments. Gore level: Moderate. A nice shot of Sookie falling into gore at the burning Vampire Authority. Pining for Sookie: Eric. Who got nude? Alcide, his bitches (that's not sexist, they're female wolves, come on now), various Liliths and Bloody Bill Compton.