MasterChef's Barossa Bootcamp MasterChef goes to Maggie Beer's kitchen in the Barossa Valley. For how long has the human race been asking itself the question: do men or women make the better cooks? Tens of thousands of years? Two weeks? Never? Regardless of how long we've waited, this week we shall have our answer. It's Barossa Boot Camp. A week that will separate the men from the boys, the boys from the girls, and the girls from the women. Twenty-one apparently randomly selected individuals will be put through some of the hardest culinary challenges of their lives. They're also probably the only culinary challenges of their lives because, let's face it, culinary challenges are fairly rare outside structured reality television. We've all heard of the Barossa Valley but what do you really know about it? It's one of Australia's finest wine regions and best food destinations, but did you know that it has been ruled under Maggie Beer's iron boot since it ceded from the Commonwealth in 1983? Did you know the local currency is the pheasant, and its major export is hugs? Did you know that if you look up "verjuice" in the dictionary you will find a photo of Maggie Beer telling you to buy verjuice? It's the middle of the night and an obviously drunk George stumbles into the contestants' dorm after what appears to be a difficult night on the Barossa shiraz. He's bashing a pot and screaming things at the contestants about "the future." Moments later, he passes out and the contestants go about preparing for their day. They assemble to be told of their first task. They must break down an entire lamb carcass in a relay-style challenge. There is some unnecessary running and also some awkward "boys versus girls" trash talk, but nobody's heart is in it, really. Pip and Lynton are first up in the relay. Pip explains that she grew up on a sheep farm so she is very comfortable with the challenge. Lynton says something about respecting animals, but most of Australia's women aren't listening because they're just imagining him washing their hair in the bath. The relay continues and the contestants hack away at a couple of poor defenseless lamb carcasses with a variety of knives, saws and insults. Clarissa's turn comes around and after first butchering the lamb shoulder, she turns her attentions to hacking off her own arm. A river of blood gushes from Clarissa's wound and the concern of her teammates is touching, as they promptly accuse her of wasting time and blame her for possibly losing the challenge. The boys are flying along and in no time at all they have completed the task. Probably due 100 per cent to Clarissa and in no part to any of the other contestants at all, the girls have lost and now they must cook for their culinary lives. The second challenge of the day is to prepare a lamb dish in 90 minutes from an open pantry of local Barossa Valley ingredients. The near-impossible task of cooking a "dish" using "ingredients" is unheard of in a cooking competition such as this, and the complexity has thrown a few of the contestants. Jules takes a break from her full-time job of "telling it like it is" to make a Thai Massaman curry, despite having almost none of the ingredients needed for a Thai Massaman curry. With the very best of the Barossa Valley at one's disposal, this a bit like being invited to spend the night with Miranda Kerr and deciding to take her go-karting. In the opening stages of the challenge, Clarissa and Faiza have both put their ingredients on the same bench. Faiza begrudgingly decides to move and, although we aren't shown who was actually first to the bench, this exchange thankfully gives the editors yet another opportunity to show us how much the other contestants dislike Clarissa. Regardless of who was there first, this really is a rookie mistake by Clarissa and a stroke of luck for Faiza, as any former MasterChef contestant will tell you that in an outdoor challenge, the stoves on the bench closest to the windward side of the set will always have issues with staying alight. (This isn't a joke. This is actually true.) But back to the challenge and now Faiza is in real trouble. The eight seconds it takes her to move from one bench to another could be costly, as she has only 5392 seconds to complete the challenge to everybody else's 5400. If we didn't already know from the opening credits where she's subtly drinking tea with an extended pinky finger, Lucy tells us she's posh. So posh, in fact, that she's even dropped a tray of glasses in front of the Queen. In Australia, being a waitress in the vicinity of royalty is considered on par with a hereditary title. Without oranges in the pantry, Lucy loudly questions whether she might be able to use verjuice in her dish. Back at Lucy's house, Maggie Beer releases a hostage. Noelene is simmering hunks of lamb shoulder together with sliced caper berries, figs, whole unpeeled parsnips, cheese and about 40 other ingredients for her "stir fry." The look on George's face tells us that he wishes that there had been a more stringent audition process this year. Questioned about her unconventional dish, Noelene tells the judges that this is the kind of thing she would cook for her kids. The judges nod and move on, presumably to notify Children's Services. Liliana challenges stereotypes by drawing on her Italian heritage to make pappardelle pasta for the second time in as many challenges. How it will turn out is anyone's guess. Faiza wants to cook her lamb rack to medium rare, but confesses that she has only ever cooked meat well done before. She is concerned about overcooking the meat, but that just means she's scared she'll cook the meat the way she always does, so it's kind of like Charlie Brown being concerned Lucy is going to pull the football away when he goes to kick it. Having successfully simmered her "stir-fry" to infuse her whole parsnips with the flavours of lamb, fig, capers and cheese, Noelene has finished with almost half an hour remaining. She cleans her bench and covers her dish with a delicate white cloth. As food it is borderline inedible, but as social commentary and performance art it is a triumph. It's tasting time and Noelene is up first. Their comments are brief, but a lot can be read into the fact the judges are looking at her dish with the kind of expressions people usually employ when watching YouTube videos of animals giving birth. Liliana bursts into tears as she explains that her pappardelle ragu dish is a representation of her father, and as her first tears fall, many around Australia take another drink. Clarissa is up for tasting next and there are some real problems with her dish. Clarissa explains it all and Matt tells her that excuses don't cut it. But let's be honest, in a cooking competition not being able to cook with heat because of circumstances entirely outside your control is actually a pretty reasonable excuse. Jules' Massaman curry isn't very good either, but Faiza's dish is a triumph and against all odds her lamb is cooked perfectly. We don't really see any of the remaining contestants, so we are forced to draw the conclusion that they actually didn't cook anything at all. The judges praise Liliana's, Faiza's and Lucy's dishes but in a final twist, they then ask the remaining contestants to nominate themselves for elimination. Considering none of them have tasted the others' dishes or heard their feedback, this really becomes more about who has the lowest self-esteem. Noelene and Clarissa step forward, and will go into a double elimination later in the week. The sun sets on what has been a terrible day for womankind everywhere, but don't lose hope, because in the next episode the contestants will cook under the guidance of Maggie Beer. And in the MasterChef kitchen, redemption is often just a splash of verjuice away.