Survival guide for new dads Cute. But you'll need both hands, so maybe try a change table. SO, you've got a baby, survived being assaulted during childbirth, have a mantelpiece full of cards congratulating you, and your wife has just about recovered from the delivery. All good. However, in the frenzied lead-up to the birth, it slipped your mind that you will have to look after it FOREVER. Starting right now. The first thing you'll realise is that babies are very unreasonable. In fact, they're greedy, ungrateful, pudgy and hell-bent on getting their own way. They will scream, vomit, sleep, scream some more and drink milk. The second thing to take on board is that babies are not a full-time job. Oh no. A full-time job is nine until five with an hour for lunch and weekends free. Babies are three full-time jobs at once. And you'll wish you had three actual full-time jobs to escape their evil demands. But don't panic (yet). Here are the five biggest challenges you'll face, and how to overcome them with the minimum of mortal wounds. Why won't it smile at me? For the love of God, why is it Screaming? About 12 of your 16 or so waking hours will be filled with eardrumpiercing wailing. Of the remaining eight hours, three will involve more screaming, two will be spent rocking the baby back to sleep, one will be frantically sterilising bottles and dummies, and during the other two, you'll be in a fitful zombie-like state wondering why there's no crying and if you need to check whether it's still breathing. Babies scream if they are too hot, too cold, hungry, overfed, full of wind, teething, in severe pain, bored, scared of the dark and just because they want attention. From Day One, your wife will be able to instinctively diagnose the reason for the outburst, and you will be expected to learn. Trying to force milk down the throat of an already full baby or lovingly putting extra blankets over a child with a temperature of 42 might not get the results you're looking for. Let's face it, it's all very worthwhile. Remember that, whatever the reason for the scream, there is a solution. Unfortunately, the solution won't always stop it screaming, as soon it will learn that all it has to do is cry loudly and it'll get picked up, fed, made warmer or jiggled. Also, you've got to stop calling it `it'. It has a name, doesn't it? No? OK, then maybe that's the next thing to think about. Not choosing a terrible name This should be a simple enough task, but is made less simple by baby-name books containing 16,000 possible choices, and a hormonal wife not thinking rationally. The ideal name is unusual enough that there won't be seven others in his or her class, but not so weird that you can't find it on a key fob in a tacky souvenir shop. Remember, a St John, Tarquin or Xavier won't last long in parts of Western Sydney, and a Derek, Bernard or Albert might not thank you when he becomes an emo. Flower, Petal, River and Blossom will be bullied to within an inch of their lives, while John, Robert, Jane and Keith are destined to work in bookkeeping and play online role-playing games for hours in a darkened room. A family name is a nice idea, but fraught with problems if the immediate choices are Reginald, Ethel and Evadne. You may need to go back a generation or three in search of alternatives. If this still proves fruitless, ask if any of them had a dog. A cute little bubba wrapped in soft blankets might suit Poppet or Pixyboo, but try to imagine her 40 years later as an obese single mum of eight in polka-dot leggings. How to change a nappy in 17 easy steps This is something the modern father will attempt an average of 827 times per child. That number may have been made up, but the actual total will be a big one, so you're going to need to know what to do. Pin these instructions up in the nurserytablish if the nappy is indeed in need of changing. Do this by looking for the tell-tale brown smudge on your white carpet or by copping a putrid whiff of something ungodly. See if anyone else is available to perform the change. If they are, subtly position the baby upwind so the smell wafts over to that person. Then disappear for a few minutes. Having had the child dumped back in your hands by unimpressed wife, proceed to the change mat. Place baby on change mat. No, face up. Remove old nappy and attempt to place in nappy sack. After rolling the sack between your fingers, trying to get it to open, start ripping violently at it in frustration. Find another nappy sack, open and place the stinking nappy inside. Gently clean the baby's bits with a series of moist wipes, then curse inwardly that you've already tied up the nappy sack. Find another nappy sack and attempt to open it. After baby is clean, tie nappy sack and position the new nappy under its bottom. This is the moment the adorable little thing chooses to pee everywhere. For boys, it will be a jet into your eye; for girls, a pool will form and then drip down your pants. Get several more wipes to stem the flow, grab another nappy sack and force the newly soaked nappy and all the wipes inside. Get another nappy in position, pull up those side-tag things and press them down on the baby's tummy. Wipe brow (unless hand covered in faeces). Find that the drawer containing the clean babygros is just out of reach. Ponder for a few seconds the chances of the baby rolling off the change table during the three seconds you'll need to retrieve the garment. Pick up baby, open drawer, find there are no clean ones left and then look through laundry basket for the least dirty one there. Hold the baby in one hand and the 16 used nappy sacks in the other, then carry them back to the living room. React calmly when your wife sniffs and says the child has already pooped again and needs changing. Repeat for next two years. Why won't the ungrateful thing look at me? Babies are often born with two eyes, but for the first few weeks, they refuse to use them properly. In fact, despite the fact you're giving this thing so much love and attention, it won't even look at you, let alone smile. All that coochie-cooing and singing Leonard Cohen songs, and all it does is look everywhere except actually at you. Your first thought will be that it must be autistic, or possibly blind. It's probably best not to articulate this initially, even if this means you can't then say "I told you so" if it's proved to be true. The next thought will be that you're doing something wrong and that therefore the baby is not bonding with you. This is unlikely as well, as month-old kids aren't particularly discerning when choosing their entertainment. Hopefully, your final thought will be that it is still too young to be able to focus properly and that if it could talk, it would tell you how appreciative it is of your baby talk. Once you have established eye contact, there is another issue it can't smile. Or so it wants you to believe. No matter how hilarious your peek-a-boo is, the baby will stare blankly at you with a look that could be interpreted as a bit pitying (a look you'll see again when it becomes a teenager). If it still hasn't smiled by the time it reaches puberty, assume either that there may be an issue or it's a goth. Babies usually smile at about four to six weeks. The first time it happens is a magical moment you'll never forget, but is probably caused by trapped wind. After that, the crying-to-laughing ratio is about 40 to one, so savour them as much as you can. Pimping the nursery Your house may have had three bedrooms, but now it has two and a nursery. Even though the baby can hardly focus beyond the end of its nose and would be just as at home in a temperature-controlled janitor's cupboard, you will be expected to completely redecorate every aspect of this room. And there's no point in suggesting that the baby is too busy sleeping and vomiting to notice the SpongeBob SquarePants frieze and matching light-shade. Every object in the room must be transformed. The chest of drawers will need primary colours all over it, the carpet must contain at least one Pixar character and the door cannot remain plain old white it needs stickers of farm animals applied liberally. Not even the ceiling escapes. Special glow-in-the-dark stars must be affixed to keep the baby entertained when it's not gazing at its flashing Shrek mobile spinning over the cot. If the overall effect looks like a Mad Hatter's acid trip, then you've succeeded. Muddle Your Way Through Fatherhood: How to Fool People into Thinking You're a Competent Dad by Paul Merrill is available as a paperback or ebook from amazon.com.