The Musical, Charing Cross Theatre, review On the red carpet outside the Charing Cross Theatre, a small traffic jam of celebrities has assembled for the premiere of WAG!, a new musical about footballers" wives by Belvedere Pashun. Lit up by the paparazzi flashes are Sinitta, the choreographer Arlene Phillips, Bruno Tonioli from Strictly Come Dancing and Vanessa Feltz... The glamour is overpowering. Inside the auditorium, the set isn't exactly a riot of footballing grand luxe. No leopardskin drapes, no Kelly Hoppen Fifty Shades of Beige, but a mysterious arrangement of amorphous white forms. A backing track strikes up (a five-piece ensemble is credited in the programme: if they were live, they were artfully hidden, and miked to sound exactly like a recording). The scene is a London department store where Jenny (Daisy Wood-Davis) and Sharron (Amy Scott) work on the beauty counter. Overseeing them is Mr Frank (Tim Flavin), a haughty manager in the mould of Captain Peacock from Are You Being Served?. He has arranged a fashion event to which a bevy of footballers" wives is invited, with predictably hilarious results. Many an excellent musical has been assembled from slighter material. There are interesting things to be said about the Wag phenomenon, and Pashun has the advantage of having two live examples in his cast - Pippa Fulton, partner of Brentford striker Clayton Donaldson, and Lizzie Cundy, ex-wife of former Chelsea defender Jason Cundy. Success is an elusive thing, but there are certain essential elements without which disaster is certain. These include a good book, decent music and lyrics, adequate design and performers who can sing and dance. WAG! is hamstrung by possessing almost none of these. For the design and lighting, perfunctory is too mild a word. The cast, several of whom are still at drama school, sing and dance with touching commitment unmatched, in several cases, by proficiency. Director Alison Pollard is also the choreographer; on the basis of her work for WAG!, it might be wise for her to consider some other occupation. Flavin, a former Olivier Award-winner, looks desperate - like the lone RADA-trained bloke in a church hall production. He and comedienne Alyssa Kyria as Ariadne, the Greek Wag, look as though they're appearing in an entirely different show. Their efforts are heroic, but not enough to save a musical that hasn't even the modest redeeming virtue of being interestingly bad. Until Aug 24, 3013. Tickets: 0844-493-0650; www.charingcrosstheatre.co.uk The Musical tickets from Telegraph Box Office