As a father, Simon Cowell may just have the X factor But if a Baby Cowell really is on the way, I reckon - heretical as the thought may seem - that he might not actually be such a bad father. First off, he's unlikely to be one of those starry-eyed parents who believes their little darling can do anything. Cowell Jr would quickly learn the limits of his or her abilities. Taking up singing? If you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. Modelling? Your facial expressions are ugly. Acting? That performance was as relevant as a cat turning up for Crufts. Daddy wouldn't coddle his little darling, but tell it like it is - and he'd come in handy for judging the school talent show, too. At 53, Cowell might be an older dad, but it doesn't mean he'll have lost touch with the younger generation. This is the man who created One Direction, and you can't get more down with the kids than that. When he's not busy being a media mogul, Cowell's favourite hobby is "climbing trees"" (yes, really). What more could a child ask for from a parent? Plus he's a pioneer when it comes to anti-ageing therapies: thanks to Botox, vitamin infusions and oxygen facials, he'd be the least wrinkled of the parents at the school gate (though also the least able to greet his offspring with a welcoming smile). If there's one thing Cowell can definitely provide, it's pocket money. With a fortune of £225 million, his child would want for nothing. But he'd presumably be keen to instil his trademark work ethic, ruthless determination and hunger for success. We can expect Cowell to be tolerant of any youthful transgressions, too, given his own love life, which seems to consist of maintaining a harem of indistinguishable but devoted brunettes. Best of all, Cowell is actually something of a family man. He's incredibly close to his 87-year-old mother, Julie, and was devastated when his father, Eric, died in 1999. When in the UK, he goes back to the family home for Sunday lunch, and is famously protective, polite and gentle around his mum. It's a far cry from the acid-tongued, pompous Svengali we see on TV - but an encouraging indication of the type of parent he could become. Indeed, having a child might be just what it takes to turn Mr Nasty into Mr Nice.