You can help the Aussies complete historic 5-0 Ashes whitewash We're for a 5-0 Ashes whitewash! THERE is nothing like a coat of paint to cover a multitude of sins. You know, stone chips on the bonnet of your Torana; your rotten child's permanent marker "graffiti art" on the walls of the hallway; the tattooed name of your ex on your bicep, at the behest of your "loving" wife ... the entire English cricket team. Hold that thought and take a look at this billboard photo. Now do so without laughing. The Daily Telegraph Truck of Triumph is ready to paint the town white in honour of our Ashes heroes / Picture: Sam Ruttyn Source: News Limited With their white and waxed chests puffed forward, their unsightly faces full of colonial smirk, the touring party of English - and admittedly, South African and Kiwi - cricketers pose for the camera. It's the pre-Ashes team photo. A happy moment. You know, during a time when they viewed themselves, Richard the Lionheart esque, as arriving conquerors ready to dish to out a Royal beating in the far-flung corners of the empire. To quell an uprising, so to speak. Daily Telegraph reporter Andrew Carswell in front of the SCG / Picture: Sam Ruttyn Source: News Limited Mitchell Johnson, our all conquering hero, celebrates taking yet another wicket. Picture: Jonathon Searle Source: News Limited Funnily enough, the photo is the only thing they've done as a team all summer, apart from travel on the same bus. Now, 4-0 later, facing an Ashes whitewash, this is a photo depicting an assemblage of incompetence. Now they want to simply hide, go underground, or disappear altogether. So, in the interests of mercy, cough, cough, we will oblige. With your help. As every hour passes by during the Sydney Test, we will take our paint rollers and brushes and piece by piece cover their snouts with a pot of Dulux White until the giant billboard photo (that matches some giant egos) is, well, white. A true Ashes whitewash it will be. Stuart Broad has perfected his look of shock over the past few weeks. We had the Invincibles in the 40s; The English will soon have their Invisibles. Even the Barmy Army, those hard-headed, out-of-tune guardians of English cricket, have been happy not talking about their beloved brothers in white. "We've had a great holiday out here," co-founder David Peacock told The Daily Telegraph. Yes, but what about the cricket, Dave? Yes, the weather has been fantastic. The Poms have done a lot of head scratching and England captain Alastair Cook has made it an art form ... not that it has helped. Just ask what former English captain Michael Vaughan thinks of his nation's current crop. So far in this series, I don't think anything of England's form or batting or bowling or fielding or planning or training has been anywhere near the standard of what I would expect from an England side What's left, if you are a cricketer? Well, I guess they've done pretty well in the lunch and drinks break, and their sleeping has been pretty admirable. The Aussies on the other hand have become adept at celebrating. Aah, if only this were the 1940s and we could have the glee of putting a battered and bruised raiding party back on their ship and push them out of Sydney's heads. Yep, a couple of rough weeks at sea to lament their collective idiocy, only to be met at the slimy English ports by angry, toothless, red-headed mouth breathers, otherwise known as English cricket fans. Joe Root, Alastair Cook and Tim Bresnan watch as their prides run off into the distance. Picture: Colleen Petch. It's not like it would be the first time an English force has returned to the motherland with their tails between their legs. US War of Independence anyone? Here, on the sun-drenched sands of their former convicts-turned-victors, they only lost an urn, a couple of players, and a dressing room full of pride. In 1781 they sailed back to merry old London town minus an entire continent. Graeme Swann's face says it all ... but the scoreboard says why! There's an awkward conversation to be had after you sail back up the brown sludge otherwise known as the Thames. Yeah, umm sorry King George III, we kind of lost the New World. We won't mention Dunkirk and Singapore. Too soon. But we will throw Hastings, the Hundred Years War, Isandhlwana, Castlebar, La Rochelle, Medway and Orleans into the mix (Google them), to prove that this dismal Ashes surrender is not a one-off incident that flies in the face of prevailing British indomitability. It is par for the course. Unleash the whitewashers! Daily Telegraph Ashes Truck parked outside our newsroom in Surry Hills today Source: News Limited Graeme Swann, Joe Root and Graham Gooch, England batting coach, looks dejected.