If you ask me...my new book contains everything you'll ever need to know about Downton Abbey What The Characters Are Least Likely To Say, More's The Pity: Bates: It's a fair cop. I did it! Anna: I saw him! O'Brien: Whoever it was, it wasn't Thomas! Lord Grantham: To hell with the status quo. Anna: Iron your own shoelaces, Lady Mary, you lazy bitch. Lady Cora: My whiny little voice and constipated little face irritate even me. Carson: It does not matter from which side you serve the soup, you dolt. Lady Mary: Enough with the agricultural talk, Matthew. As it is, you've sent my ovaries to sleep. O'Brien: What's overheard through the heating duct stays in the heating duct. Matthew: A boner! Lord Grantham: I'm afraid I'm not going to interrupt proceedings to announce an important political development or the invention of the Breville sandwich toaster, just so you know. Tom: The Irish potato famine was nothing, in the big scheme of things. Carson: As I appear to be having one of my less stoic, redoubtable days, I plan to take myself and my big head to the nearest meadow where I will dance naked with bells. Lord Grantham: A fast-track promotion scheme for homosexuals in my employ! I've never heard such a thing! Dowager Violet: Today, I will try not to say anything that could be embroidered on a cushion. O'Brien: What bar of soap? Lady Edith: Was I spitefully lively once? Lady Mary: Was I interesting once? Julian Fellowes: I'm off to bed early, as I seem to be suffering from narrative strain. If you would like to see more of this book, which includes, for example, a section on What Downton Most Needs - a revolving door to accommodate Bates's endless cycles of redemption and exile would be most helpful, for instance - it is available from The Independent Bookshop at £790. Steep, but includes a pull-out map of the village and the best place to buy buttons, in full colour.