What Election? - NYTimes.com The former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, asked how he was feeling after his loss to President Obama, vehemently denied that he ran for president, calling the accusation laughable. "That's preposterous," Mr. Romney said at a news conference at his former campaign headquarters in Boston. I've heard that claim, and it's simply wrong. It's not true. There's no proof of it. I work at Bain Capital and by "work at Bain Capital," I mean I do not work for Bain Capital, I simply collect a check from Bain Capital, and by "collect a check," I mean I simply have it deposited to an offshore account in the Bahamas. Ha-ha. I'm joking. Who let the dogs out? Who? Milk. Whole. Skim. Two percent. Breakfast cereals. What good fun. Pressed by pool reporters, who said that they had followed him on the campaign trail almost every day for more than a year, celebrated his birthday on the campaign plane, and met his children and grandchildren, Mr. Romney expressed confusion and surprise. "Glen, Phil, Margaret, Sharon, Michael, Ashley, Ramon, Daniel," he said to several of the reporters. I have no idea who you are, and we've never met, and Margaret, I hope your mother is feeling better after her hip surgery, and Ramon, I see that you've shaved your beard off even though there is no way I would have knowledge of that if we hadn't known each other when I was running for president and lost and ruined my life and shattered my dreams, which didn't happen. Isn't lemonade neat. Peanut butter. And ponies. Little ponies. Gosh. Shown footage of himself giving a concession speech Tuesday night, as well as footage from the campaign trail over the past 15 months, Mr. Romney smiled, laughed and shook his head, and then performed a trick with his hands where he appeared to remove his thumb, after which he laughed, applauded, wrapped his arms around himself in an apparent self-hug, and said: Let me say this. I didn't write a concession speech. Until I did. Which I didn't do. Nor did I give that speech. Why would I? I didn't lose. Because I didn't run. And so my position is this. It baffles me and Ann and Trip and Tagg and Twink and Taffy and Gustav our cat and Leon Trotsky our turtle and Donny and Marie Osmond our pet llamas that the mainstream media, as well as every other media outlet on the planet, says that I ran for president. President of what? Mr. Romney then showed reporters footage of the three presidential debates showing what appeared to be Mr. Romney with a photo of Bryant Gumbel superimposed over Mr. Romney's face. If I ran for president, where am I in the debates? Look, it's Bryant Gumbel, who I think is wonderful. Asked if he had superimposed a photo of Bryant Gumbel over his own face, Mr. Romney said: "I won't dignify that with a response. Let me make something clear. You keep calling me "Mr. Romney." Where are you getting that name? My name is Taylor Swift. I'm 22 years old. I'm just a simple girl. Heck. I supported the bailout of the auto industry by not supporting it and then doing something I like to call the not-support-support-turnaround-fib-oopsie. Where are we? Who are we? What's the frequency, Kenneth? Oh, gosh. I wish I knew how to cry or what crying was. It's an "emotion," yes? There are seven emotions. I read that once and memorized them. Tickling. Twirling. Hunger. Mexico. Rainbows. Swiss banks. And ladies. Jeez Louise. I have to...ha-ha...I have to say that there's a part of me...golly...there's a part of me that wants to rip a wild animal apart with my hands. I'm Korean. People don't know that about me. But it's true. Who wants to go get an ice cream cone with me? Later in the day, the Romney campaign forwarded a tweet to reporters posted by Karl Rove of Fox News, which said that "Romney never ran for president and also he won the presidency." John Kenney is the author of the forthcoming novel "Truth in Advertising."