Questions to Ask Before Marriage MORE than a hundred readers posted responses to last Sunday's pre-Valentine's Day Field Notes column ("Love You! Now, the Difficult Stuff..."), in which psychologists and other marriage experts suggested questions that couples might ask each other before marrying. A number of those posting comments weighed how these queries would or should play in their own relationships; others came up with more questions of their own. While some thought that the proposed questions amounted to giving each other the third degree, others agreed that being fully informed about the attitudes of one's spouse on a wide range of issues is important. " "Can I see your credit score"???!!! That should lead to divorce right away," one reader wrote. Wow, talk about the commodification of all relationships. A reader in California bristled at some of the terminology. If my partner asked me to develop a relationship mission statement - not the concept but the term - I would seriously reconsider my judgment in becoming engaged to that person. Another reader, married for 20 years, wrote: "Life is about adventure, risks, love, living... fall in love, take the plunge and let the chips fall where they may," adding that "overintellectualization" took the fun out of life. "There have been surprises and disappointments both," the reader wrote. We stand and fall on how we handle them. Others suggested that requests for disclosure should be broadened. "Medical history is important, particularly if you are having kids," wrote one. A Manhattan social worker wrote that premarital discussions should include "Not only the couple's finances, but also estimates of their liabilities for caring, emotionally and financially, for their parents." She advised that after marriage, couples should have an oral agreement for couples counseling during the marriage whenever the other requests it. "Most relationships can use a tune-up, a return to harmony, every so often," she wrote. Some suggestions for questions were playful. Before marrying, one might ask a future spouse "you still active on OkCupid?" And another recommended, "When, if ever, is it O.K. to lie to your spouse?" Several took issue with one relationship expert's advice that with so many marriages ending in divorce, couples should discuss beforehand how they might handle the dissolution of their unions. "If I start my new life with someone with the discussion on how we get divorced, I would rather never marry him," one reader insisted. But another noted: "My husband and I discussed how we would behave if we ended up in divorce. That doesn't mean we planned on it, but that we wanted reassurance of each other's character. For instance, I told him I would never keep our children from him, even if I hated his guts. It was important for him to know that. We have been together 11 years and don't intend to ever get divorced. A reader in Florida wrote that gay and lesbian couples needed to give special thought to the possibility of divorce. Of particular concern for same-sex couples (but one rarely raised): what would we do if we decide that we need to get a divorce but we've moved to a state that does not recognize (and may constitutionally prohibit) our marriage? But is it practical to think that the answers that come out of discussions held today will, in the end, be any predictor of behavior 10, 20 or 30 years in the future? "No one can truthfully say what one will do when faced with the gravest of situations - sickness, births, deaths" a reader from Texas wrote. We can't know until we get there. For worse or better, I believe marriage is meant to reveal our character, shadow and sunlight. Change as a given was a recurring theme in the commentary: "Did it occur to anyone that people CAN and often DO change?" one reader asked. What once was bliss could turn ugly. And what once was ugly misunderstanding could turn to blissful happiness. And then there's everything in between.