Asking personal questions of colleagues An office where no one reveals anything of themselves would be a dreadful place to work - but asking personal questions of colleagues can be a minefield. So how do you ensure you don't overstep the mark? Why ask personal questions at all? "Talking about your personal life builds relationships," says Edinburgh-based corporate psychologist Ben Williams. As you divulge information to people and they reciprocate, the process gets deeper and deeper and the radius of trust grows. Influential people will want to raise the disclosure level, because people follow those they trust. How do I start? "You might break into the personal side by giving away something of your own first," says Jack Downton, managing director of The Influence Business, an executive coaching company. "If you ask, "have you got kids?" out of the blue, it comes across as a bit odd. But if you say that you're a grandparent who is exhausted from looking after the grandchildren and then ask if the other person has a family, it feels a lot more natural. What do I need to be aware of? It is important to know your audience. "You have people who are high disclosers and those who are low disclosers," says Mr Williams. With the second group you really need to know what they're comfortable with. With the first, you can go as far as you like. Most people are somewhere in the middle. Jessica Pryce-Jones of iOpener, a workplace happiness and performance consultancy, adds: "In certain situations, it may be good to talk to a man about his children but appear stereotyping and condescending to ask a woman the same questions." She also suggests paying close attention to details. "If someone says, "it's my daughter's birthday," ask how old she is." Mr Downton adds: "Your questions need to derive from a genuine interest in the other person. If you have a nefarious purpose, it will come out in your body language. What if it gets difficult? This can happen when an everyday pleasantry such as "how is your son?" results in an unexpected reply, like: "He's been diagnosed as autistic." Here, says Ms Pryce-Jones, "you need to say "I'm terribly sorry," and then pause to see if they want to talk about it. Follow their lead. Even if what they say is very awkward, you must acknowledge it. "A minimal acknowledgment is better than silence," says Mr Williams. If a person takes offence at the question you have asked, there is not much you can do, except apologise and say that your intent wasn't malicious. Finally, you might have to ask something difficult that you think might cause offence, for instance if you suspect problems at home might be harming work performance. Mr Williams says: "You can pre-empt a bad reaction by saying that the conversation is off-the-record, confidential and that you're asking because you need the fullest possible picture of the situation."