Swan upmanship on the Thames There can't be many more charming ways to have a break in the Thames Valley than to follow the route of the boats, whether for a day's jaunt or for a longer stay: the whole thing is so absurdly English, the liveries worn and flags flown easily rival those on show at the Diamond Jubilee River Pageant and the Uppers potter past some of our most attractive riverside pubs. The only things missing are Ratty and Mole, or Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog). "It's not about providing food for banquets these days, of course," explains David Barber, the man in the scarlet blazer who is the Queen's Swan Marker. It's about education and swan welfare. David's role has existed in some form for 800 years. He is rowed upstream in a 30-year-old mahogany skiff known as the Crown Boat by Royal Swan Uppers in white breeches and red tops. They work with five other skiffs, one royal, two flying the blue Dyers" flag and two flying the black-and-white flag of the Vintners. All the Swan Uppers are watermen of the River Thames. The ceremony is in July because at least one of each pair of adult birds will be in moult and unable to fly. In the old days swans were marked with notches on their beaks, but now each swan has a British Ornithology Society (BOS) ring on one leg and a Dyers" or Vintners" ring on the other. The Queen's swans always remain unmarked, so have only one ring from the British Trust of Ornithology (BTO). For all its eccentricities, the work still has relevance. "The records give us a good population picture," explains the Dyers" bargemaster. I can see from this swan's ring, say, that I marked it four years ago. The best way to follow their progress is to check the website, royalswan.co.uk, for timings on the way up to Abingdon, then position yourself by a lock or a bridge, or stroll up the Thames Path - it switches from side to side. On the water, you can book a place on one of the riverboats that potter up and down daily: they are used to slowing down for the swans and Uppers. When a brood of swans is spotted, somebody shouts "All up!" and the boats carefully surround the birds until they are hemmed in. Expert hands pick them up and tie them so they don't kick or flap. The birds become surprisingly calm. "You don't get bitten," says one marker, "More scratched, really - they've got claws. And this..." he points at the smears of creamed-spinach swan ordure on his lovely whites. You can see why swans were royal birds: they are ridiculously beautiful. Once released, the adults pointedly give themselves a bath, beating their dazzling white wings above their heads and flipping water over their backs before shaking themselves all over, water droplets flying. It is said that swan meat tastes like fishy mutton. They clearly don't find us that appetising, either. The boats slide past riverbanks enlivened by lurking herons and blue flashes of kingfisher. Mellow Edwardian boathouses with terracotta dragon finials and cool, echoing interiors dream in the sun. One Swan Upper tells me they see voles, foxes and mink. It's peaceful and picturesque and repairing afterwards to a riverside pub makes a relaxing end to the day. At Boulter's Lock, famous for its boat jams in Edwardian times, when half of London escaped to the river, the whole thing begins to resemble a sporting print. Delighted tourists lean on the bridge to admire the tableau fanning out on the river below. Men in paintbox colours clamber in and out of conker-brown boats. The Swan Marker - in enough frogging to turn a cavalry officer green with envy - wears a white nautical cap with a gold EIIR on the band. The Queen's Swan Warden (who would have thought one bird could generate so many job descriptions?) is Professor Perrins, an ornithologist from the University of Oxford, who studies swan population and health and keeps an eye on welfare, alongside the Eton-based charity Swan Lifeline. Everyone is hoping for good news this year: in 2011 the swans suffered from a steadily shrinking habitat, the freezing cold winter and a duck virus. This year it has been warmer, so numbers should be up. Last July, as we set off for the final row and the sun was beginning to dip, a small dinghy with a rust-coloured sail bobbed past, sailed by a boy and his grandfather. It looked like a scene from Swallows & Amazons. I like to think the boy will remember the unhurried splendour of that day for the rest of his life. How to follow the ritual This year, Swan Upping on the Thames takes place from July 16 to 20, leaving from Sunbury in Surrey and arriving at Abingdon in Oxon. For details, see royalswan.co.uk, or royal.gov.uk (Royal Events & Ceremonies section), where you can download an excellent brochure. The Royal Borough of Windsor & Maidenhead (windsor.gov.uk) and Visit Oxfordshire (visitoxfordandoxfordshire.com) can provide general tourist information. For boat hire and cruises, see the River Thames guide (riverthames.co.uk) and the Canal & River Trust (waterscape.com), but if you hire a self-drive boat, take great care around the swans and skiffs. Salter's Steamers (01865 243421; salterssteamers.co.uk) are open-sided passenger boats that trundle up and down the Thames daily, perfect for getting good views of the Swan Upping. For example, Windsor to Maidenhead costs £9.80 adult, £9.30 concessions and £4.80 child, Tuesdays and Wednesdays only. Call first to check sailings. The River & Rowing Museum (01491 415600; rrm.co.uk) in Henley-on-Thames has a section on Swan Upping and there is some great Pathé footage online of the ceremony being performed in the 1960s. See swanlifeline.org.uk to find out about the charity Swan Lifeline, which does a lot of work on the Thames, or to volunteer or donate. Where to eat by the river Gilbey's on Eton High Street (01753 854921; gilbeygroup.com/eton) has a two-course set lunch for £18.50, or there's cheery pub grub at the Waterman's Arms on Brocas Street (01753 861001; watermans-eton.com). Hinds Head at Bray (01628 626151; hindsheadbray.com), Michelin Pub of the Year 2011, has wonderful food at stiff prices: a real treat. Boulters Riverside Brasserie & Terrace Bar, Boulter's Lock (01628 621291; boultersrestaurant.co.uk), has great river views overlooking the swan action and modern English food. From £25 for two courses. The Two Brewers, St Peter Street, Marlow (01628 484140; twobrewersmarlow.com), is a stroll from the river, serves gastropub food (from £20 for two courses) and has a simpler bar menu. The Little Angel, Henley (01491 411008; thelittleangel.co.uk), is just by the bridge and serves contemporary English food, with soup and bread from £4.95 and a good choice of sharing platters. The Bull Inn, Sonning (0118 969 3901; bullinnsonning.co.uk), is half-timbered, close to the river and serves light bites from £5.75 and sandwiches from £7 as well as a fuller menu. Rooms available July 16-20 (Friday is already full) from £130 per superior double, with breakfast. The Beetle & Wedge Boathouse at Moulsford (01491 651381; beetleandwedge.co.uk) is practically in the river, a brilliant place to watch the fun. Its Basic Beetle two-course weekday set lunch costs £18.50. Double rooms are available on Wednesday July 18, at £90 with breakfast. Jerome K Jerome mentions the Barley Mow at Clifton Hampden (01865 980350; chefandbrewer.com) in Three Men in a Boat. It's right by the pretty red-brick bridge, with a garden and standard pub fare.