London 2012 Olympics: How to be British Learn the national anthem (first verse is mandatory, elite athletes will want to learn more) God save our gracious queen, Long live our noble queen, God save the queen. Send her victorious, Happy and glorious, Long to reign over us: God save The Queen. O Lord, our God, arise, Scatter her enemies, And make them fall. Confound their politics, Frustrate their knavish tricks, On Thee our hopes we fix, God save us all. Thy choicest gifts in store, On her be pleased to pour; Long may she reign. May she defend our laws, And ever give us cause To sing with heart and voice God save the queen! Britons do not live in towns or regions as such. Instead, locations are defined by their house price and/or proximity to a good local school. Incidentally, these also make excellent topics for conversation. When using escalators, standing on the left-hand side will instantly mark you out as a "b----- tourist." The left side is for walking; the right is exclusively for standing. The one important exception is at airports, where it is customary to slalom from side to side weaving through the crowd, apologising profusely to everyone. Talking and direct eye contact are banned on British public transport. The only acceptable activities are reading, listening to music and playing games on your smartphone. If you attempt to converse with someone on public transport in Britain, it will be interpreted as a request for money. The national dish is the Gregg's pasty (if you're struggling with the pronunciation, Tiffany Porter, it rhymes with "nasty"). In March 2012, when the Coalition government of the day attempted to impose a tax on pasties, it was swiftly forced into a climb-down after house-price zones and school catchment areas up and down the country revolted.