Trending: Varese score a goal in a snowstorm, Michael Owen's favourite chocolate bar and Buffon's porn career Owen's clinical witless style lends itself especially well to a rumination on which sugary treat tastes best in his tummy: Topic at two? Who likes Topics?! They're the runt of a pack of Celebrations, nothing more. Owen, sensing that he'd struck upon the most interesting topic [once again, I am doing this on purpose] he'd ever written about online, continued the debate: Quite right too, the Caramac is a fine chocolate bar. And Maltesers. Clearly. Who says that Twitter is a complete waste of everyone's time? I've heard a wispa [what?] that Owen will be moving onto crisps next week. Justyna Kowalczyk "celebrates" winning the FIS Cross-Country World Cup Ladies 1.5 km sprint event. Skiers do not know how to celebrate. Tweet your caption suggestions in the direction of @TelegraphSport Barnsley's Jay Rodriguez makes an amusingly horrible mess of a spot kick against Nottingham Forest. This being luckless Forest, Rodriguez attoned for his error and scored from open play soon afterwards. There was a time when retiring footballers universally opened a country pub, became a taxi driver or, if they started playing after 1992, decided to spend their days quietly counting all of their delicious money. Italy keeper Gianluigi Buffon has been offered an intriguing way out of such monotony: pornography. After the boasts of his wife Alena that the Juventus keeper is "better in bed than [Italian porn star] Rocco Siffredi," Rocco Siffredi has stepped up with a tempting offer: He may be even better than me in bed, but I want to see him in front of the camera. Buffon is still a kid compared to me. I will make a suggestion: when he stops playing, he should come work for me. I need real men. Look no further than LA Clippers' Blake Griffin's monstrous dunk over Oklahoma City's Kendrick Perkins: Yes, it's the Darron Gibson Playstation controller: via Picklive Take a bow, Junior Hoilett. Oh, what's that? You already did? And it was gigantically unconvincing?