Dancing on Ice, ITV1, review Within the first two minutes, there had been a broken leg, a ruptured bicep, and shoulders both broken and dislocated. Confused viewers could have been forgiven for wondering if it was still Saturday, and if they'd tuned in to Casualty by mistake. But no, this really was the new series of Dancing on Ice, the reality show that makes Formula 1 look as risky as origami. With Chesney Hawkes (leg) and Keith Chegwin (shoulder) ruled out by injury, the Dancing on Ice producers were fielding a B-team of Z-listers. But late replacement Chico (yes, the loser from the 2005 series of The X Factor) won't skate until next week. For week one, it was the turn of top stars such as Andy Akinwolere and Jorgie Porter. On the ice, the night belonged to former Dallas star Charlene Tilton - yes, the poisoned dwarf herself. "It's scary as heck learning to ice skate at 150 years old," she said winningly in her opening VT. Then, looking at Jayne Torvill's backside: "That's the bum I want!" But the Hollywood-survivor comedy-shtick came with Hollywood-survivor grit-and-determination, and Tilton had clearly put the hours in to her skating. She may not be the tallest, the youngest or the thinnest, but she was certainly the has-been that shone the brightest. And though genuine pre-existing fame was in short supply, there was - oddly enough - some great skating from the other "celebrities." Porter herself (she's on a programme for young people called "Hollyoaks," apparently) skated so well that she gave professional partner Matt Evers "chills" (or so he said - I'd be surprised, to be honest). And skier Chemmy Alcott, ruled out of her own sport for the moment by her own catastrophic leg injury, came to the ice with something of an advantage in terms of balance - but boy, did she work it. Meanwhile Mark Rhodes stumbled around the ice as if he was doing a comedy sketch for one of the kids" TV shows he presents. And Coronation Street star Andy Whyment has apparently refused to use fake tan, which lent him a ghostly pallor. Which brings us to the show's orange new female co-presenter, Christine Bleakley. Having crashed and burned alongside Adrian Chiles on ITV's Daybreak, Bleakley is hoping her new pairing with Phillip Schofield will be more successful - and, in this opening show, she at least didn't mumble or spit. But she gave a demure little wave as she walked on that would have been better coming from the Duchess of Cambridge. And whoever in the wardrobe department put Bleakley in a vermilion frock must surely have taken one look at the girl's complexion and thought, "Oh well, in for a penny..." While Bleakley is still finding her feet, the new judging panel worked just fine from its first outing. Only Robin Cousins survives from the old line-up: the ghastly, dessicated old pantomime villain Jason Gardiner has been replaced by the equally camp but rather more charming Louie Spence. And Katarina Witt - in her day, a proper Olympic figure skater, not a two-bit show pony like Gardiner - is such a find. The hair of a shampoo commercial, the incisiveness of a surgeon and the accent of a dominatrix: where has she been hiding these past six series? Meanwhile I managed, for the first time ever, accurately to predict who'd be in the skate-off (honest, you can check my Twitter) - Akinwolere and former Sugababe Heidi Range, who both suffered from being unremarkable on the ice and having no fan-base off it. Unlike Tilton, who has an entire Twitter army already rooting for her victory. "Oh!" she could be seen to say when Schofield called that she was safe and skating again next week. Us? Yes, you, Charlene: the dwarf is poisoned no more.