Straight (and Gay) Talk From Simon Doonan Simon Doonan, the creative ambassador at large for Barneys New York and the author of the new book "Gay Men Don't Get Fat," responds to reader questions about the dietary theories - serious and otherwise - that he expounds in his book and in an interview with The Times. Chiefly, he says the ideal diet is "bisexual," mixing foods that he categorizes as straight or gay. I'm going bi with a good dose of lesbian. Sounds like a right good trick. But winter food strikes me as very hetero. How to lighten it up? My apartment is chilly and the oven gets used. How do I sauce up baking and roasting? If you drink a glass of English cooking sherry every time you turn the oven on, I think you will be quite saucy enough. With the ubiquity of pork in Chinese cuisine, as well as the difficulty in thoroughly removing the fat from that meat, would you argue that, compared to Japanese food, Chinese food - even high end - is irreparably hetero? I'd also be interested in any suggestions on how to use pork tenderloin and pork ribs, if there are gayer ways to cook them. You are absolutely correct. Gelatinous mounds of pork fat are the ne plus ultra of heterosexuality. The only way to gay up your ribs is to revive the old custom of adorning them with those little white paper thingies. Very Escoffier, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Are there differences in dietary needs between a slim gay man and an aspiring slim straight woman? And where does alcohol come into the equation? Since gay men are basically French women with penises, then the answer to the first question is yes, I think. Regarding alcohol: Booze is catastrophically disinhibiting. Two glasses of gin and most people will eat everything in sight. I've been led to believe that not all pastry chefs are gay. Can this possibly be true? Apparently 62 percent of pastry chefs are gay. I unearthed this statistic after a global pastry-shop tour. You may also be interested to know that 3 percent suffer from toenail fungus. Bon appétit! I'm all in a queen's quandary and need your advice. Quiche Lorraine used to be the gayest of dishes, and it doesn't seem to fit your formula. What about Ramos Fizzes? Are they out, too? Kindly advise A.S.A.P. I'm having 10 for brunch this Sunday and am drawing a blank! Maybe it's generational. Quiche Lorraine is, and has always been, straight food wickedly packaged as gay. Beware the lardy quiche! Am not familiar with a Ramos Fizz. Bucks, yes. Ramos, no. Please enlighten me. Simon, is there such thing as a healthy midnight snack? And do you occasionally saunter the fridge at the wee hours? If yes, what would be your favorite munchies? I never eat between meals. I tap dance between meals. I clog. I baton twirl. But eating? Not so much. Is it wrong to eat chocolate in the morning? Even if it's dark? A little choccie before lunch can put a skip in your walk ... and, as you may have guessed, I am a big fan of skipping. What's the wittiest, chicest food to order on a first date? On a first date you must order something dry and anal-retentive, i.e., something which can be easily shared without slopping gravy or sauce down your YSL blouse. I would recommend frogs" legs. Are there any gay Passover foods? Bitter herbs are somewhat gay. Matzo balls are as straight as Moshe Dayan. I have just written "The Brisket Book. A Love Story With Recipes." (Andrews McMeel.) I had not thought - until reading this piece - about a gender issue with brisket, although the rugged steer (a gendered male) who graces the cover of my book has thick, black, flirty lashes. That aside, how do you see brisket? Is braised brisket straight? Is BBQ brisket gay? And where does corned beef (brined brisket) fall on the spectrum? I, personally, could see the French brisket with slivers of fresh citrus as way more gay than my own, which (I'm not proud of this) calls for huge heapings of Heinz Ketchup and Lipton Onion Soup. Thank you for your straightforward and possibly gayforward answer. Brisket is the Super Bowl of hetero cuisine. The thought of it gives me the vapors. After reading your email I felt the need to lie in a darkened room.