Stripping Fred and docking Stephen A campaign is building to strip Sir Fred Goodwin, ousted chief executive of Royal Bank of Scotland of his knighthood. His case has been referred to the Forfeiture Committee. Meanwhile, David Cameron is trying to stop Sir Fred's successor, Stephen Hester, being awarded a bonus of more than £1m. The scene: David Cameron's office. DC: Sir Fred, lovely to see you. FG: It's been a while since I was asked here. It's nice to be back. DC: I hope you didn't mind the subterfuge, coming in through the side door and all that. FG: It's fine, although I'm not sure why I had to dress as a chimney sweep. DC: Well Fred, you're not exactly what we think of as a photo-op these days. Anyway, look, the thing is there's a bit of a flap around your knighthood and I wanted to have a chinwag to see if we could find some way of getting ahead of this curve. FG: Thanks. Have you any ideas? DC: Well, I wondered whether you might voluntarily renounce it. FG: So you are saying I should give up the knighthood to stop people taking it away from me. DC: Exactly, that would show "em. FG: What would it show "em? DC: Well, it would show you are a better man than your critics. FG: My knighthood does that. DC: Look Fred, I feel awful about this but the political heat is too fierce. How can I put this in a way you'll understand? I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go. This award was for services to banking and, well, that service is not looking quite so superlative now. FG: In business, sometimes things go wrong. I've committed no crime. There's no grounds to strip me of this title. I think I'll tough it out. Lord Archer's still got his peerage. DC: Look Fred, think of it like a restaurant. The waiter is good; the first course is fine and mentally you set aside a big tip. Then the main course arrives, he spills the food all over your wife, sneezes on your meal and gives you flu. You see where I'm going with this? FG: Not really. DC: Well in that position you might deduct the service charge. You personify the people who caused the crisis, Fred. You've sneezed on the country and we've all caught flu. People are losing their jobs. FG: People were losing jobs when I got the title. Why do you think they called me Fred the Shred? DC: Look: if you do this, we can start work on your rehabilitation. FG: My rehabilitation? DC: Yes, we'd start slowly, perhaps an invite to one of Vince Cable's fish suppers. You'd change your name to Freddie Goodwin - it sounds so much friendlier. Then perhaps you could devote yourself to good works. FG: You mean run a charity? DC: Yes, how about homelessness? People lost their homes in the crash; you could set up a shelter. FG: Or I could run an existing charity. DC: I'm sure they'd benefit hugely from your business acumen. FG: Yes, their cost base is all wrong, they're hideously overstaffed. We'd want to expand. The homeless sector is in need of consolidation. Say I ran Shelter, we could take over Crisis, or Centrepoint - there'd be good synergies and economies of scale. We may have to go hostile. Then we'd spin off the shelters into a new property business and sell the land for luxury offices, give the residents cardboard boxes and send them to the railway arches. We'd also need a fancier HQ, something that shows we're a global player. DC: Maybe we should put some more thought into this. Perhaps you could go on I'm A Celebrity, instead. A week of eating bugs could really change public attitudes. Anyway, have a think about it. Oh and Fred. DC: Leave the insignia at the door, as you leave; save yourself a trip. Over intercom: Can you give me a minute, then send in Stephen Hester. DC: Stephen, lovely to see you; terrific job you're doing for us. I don't know how to thank you. SH: Well that's kind of you. DC: I'm serious, I really don't know how to thank you. Ordinarily we'd give you a whopping bonus but I'm afraid that's not on. SH: Why not? Haven't I been doing what you asked me to do? DC: You have. Look, I feel awful about this. You've done everything we asked of you to clear up Fred Goodwin's mess. But the public won't wear a big bonus. We have to keep you below £1m. So I wondered if there was some other way we could show our gratitude. SH: What did you have in mind? DC: Well, I might have a knighthood going spare . . .