Parental Quandary Considered: Rape Jokes Are Never 'Boys Being Boys' Disturbing. Many parents without middle-school boys, and particularly those who never were middle-school boys, were honestly shocked (as opposed to "shocked") that two readers, D. and M., had written that they, or their sons, were hearing rape jokes tossed around by boys as young as fifth graders. Both readers, new in their communities, hesitated to speak up - they were uncomfortable, but were the boys "just being boys"? Most commenters said they'd speak directly to the boys - "grow some backbone," wrote Cate: What about a sharp: "Hey! Rape is a serious matter and is not to be joked about. That is not appropriate!" on the part of the mom as soon as she heard that? Geez, are we so timid about saying anything to other parents" children for fear of blowback? ... This is not like joking about murder, which is roundly condemned without ambiguity. Rape still has some "shame" associated with it, and it needs to be made crystal-clear to these boys that it is not a joking matter. And many, like Taylor, wrote in support of the idea of contacting the parents. If my child was running around saying stuff like this, I pray someone would let me know. If my son is making rape jokes and using racial slurs it means I've failed to convey a variety of very, very important life lessons, that obviously need to be taught. The original writers were worried about being "that mom." The one who doesn't "get it," and takes it all too seriously. But the vast, vast majority of readers agreed that in this case "that mom" was a label they'd wear proudly. Many mentioned that the word "rape" has been creeping into public discourse - Clio described hearing it regularly, from adult men and women, while playing World of Warcraft, and Naomi said that her own daughter wrote, "sorry for raping your wall" on a friend's Facebook page. No one thought its casual usage was a good thing - and the implication that even clueless hate speech was part of being a "boy" was one plenty of parents found infuriating. But while the majority view may have been a clear one, if it were obvious - or easy - then D. and M. wouldn't have hesitated to speak up and teach their sons to do the same. The reason this is a quandary is that casually using a variety of negative and derogatory terms is (and always has been) considered "cool," and sometimes being a parent means acknowledging the fact that being "cool" with things, while it may brand you as unflappable, isn't always the way to go. Even if you're teased, and even if nothing changes, sometimes you have to call people out on what's just not right. They'll keep using the language, wrote Josh: "the moment you're out of sight, they'll go back to doing the same thing." Saying things to "shock and horrify authority figures as well as peers," wrote Richard, is what middle-school boys do, and it "doesn't mean that all or most of them will continue to be callous towards rape and women when they turn into adults." It probably doesn't. But when adults let those overheard moments pass, or tell our children to brush them off, we may be saying to our boys that these lines aren't as clear as they might have thought - and that language, or actions, that makes some people uncomfortable also makes some people laugh - and who wants to be the one who doesn't see the funny side? Those boys might not ever be callous toward actual physical rape. But hazing, harassing and bullying might seem just fine - or at least not worth speaking up about.