Lifelines: Bernadette Lynass on childcare issues MY mum has offered to look after my daughter when I return to work. She is 69 and in good health but I'm worried that looking after an eight-month-old baby for four days a week might be too much for her. Should I see how it goes or tell her up front about my concerns? I really don't want to hurt her feelings. A: Grandparents can be a fantastic help when it comes to childcare, but you are right to consider how this might impact on your mum - and, of course, your daughter. Perhaps you might consider accepting your mum's help for a day or two and make alternative arrangements for the remaining days. Talk to your mum now about your worries as once this arrangement is in place she might not feel able to admit that she's finding it difficult. Although having a relative provide childcare can be an economical option and give you peace of mind, it can be difficult if you don't share the same views on parenting. Whether it's going to be a relation or someone else looking after your offspring, make time to discuss important aspects of your child's care. It can be helpful to write a list of the things you want the other person to know, such as your views on discipline, food and treats, and talk this through with the prospective carer. When grandparents take on regular care of a grandchild it can change their relationship greatly; where once the focus was on having fun, their time together can become more about everyday activities such as homework or sleep schedules. Many grandparents enjoy this role and their experience is of great benefit, but some prefer being able to enjoy their grandchildren without the regular responsibility of looking after them. Again, talk to your mum about these points and let her know just how much you and your daughter value her. I have been trying to help my sister out with childcare as she is working extra hours to cover her bills. However, much as I love my two nephews and want to support my sister, I am finding it hard to juggle this extra responsibility with my own three children. Should I say anything to her? A: Firstly, you should be proud that you are doing your best to help your sister and your nephews through this difficult period. When looking after other people's children it is important that all concerned are happy with the arrangement, and keeping in mind that the situation may have to change over time. To take care of other people, we must first take care of ourselves. If you are feeling under pressure, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your situation. It may be that your sister is preoccupied with the changes in her life and has not considered that you might be struggling. Try to find a time when you can both sit down and talk things through without being interrupted, and gently explain that, although you want to be there for her, you don't see the current arrangement as being sustainable in the long term. It is helpful to be honest about what you are able to do. For example, you might be happy to look after the children for a shorter period of time or have them for a sleepover once a fortnight. Be clear that this is not a reflection of how you feel about your nephews but that the responsibility has become hard to manage. Financial difficulties present a number of practical difficulties for parents, and if you feel able to give your sister a period of time to make new arrangements then this will allow her to properly explore the options available. Bernadette Lynass is project co-ordinator of Connecting Generations, Family Mediation, South Lanarkshire