What we hate about high-end restaurants: letting off steam Why, in upmarket restaurants, is the bottle taken away as soon as a glass is poured - to a side table (tantalisingly close, but forbidden) or a room where the sommelier may be decanting it into another bottle? Other dark arts include topping up wine by the glass without the diner's consent, inflating the bill. In China, I have slurped soup watched by seven waitresses - and in grand French restaurants, I have had a platoon in attendance. When a friend asked where the ladies" was at La Bastide in Gordes , she was escorted there by a waiter who stood outside until she had finished. Just as annoying are staff who insist on spreading the napkin in your lap or pushing in your chair. I can do it on my own, thanks. Bouillabaisse is a wonderful dish, melding the flavours of the Mediterranean. At La Chèvre d'Or in Eze , I ate a deconstructed version: a tiny spider crab, sea urchin and abalone, served separately on a bed of (dyed) turquoise sea salt. It missed the point. At Combal.Zero in Turin, Davide Scabin has created zuppizza: "liquid pizza," with bread on top, tomato in the middle and mozzarella at the bottom. It looks like prawn crackers in a pool of unappetising froth. Don't mess with the margherita. I don't mind if the waiters are actors, but I really don't enjoy performing myself. At Noma in Copenhagen , you are asked to cut your venison with a hunting knife, cook your own duck egg at the table (in a pan on a bed of hay), and pick radishes from a pot filled with hazelnut "soil." Food and service are faultless, making up for for the feeling of being forced to play charades at your parents" Christmas party. It's hard not to smirk when the silver domes come off, to a sharp intake of breath and an imagined fanfare. The coolest cloche is at Koffmann's at The Berkeley hotel in Knightsbridge - the real carapace of a spider crab, with fresh crab underneath. Eating bread off the table is fine, but try dipping it in olive oil first, from a bowl in the middle of the table. Expect a lightly drizzled table, chin - and lap. A side plate would help, but crockery is so passé. At Malabar in Lima, Peru , diners eat off marble slabs that change with every course; at Noma, the langoustine is presented on a flat rock. Full marks to Yannick Franques at Le St-Martin in Vence , who tells me he is on a mission to bring back "beautiful tableware."