Eurovision Song Contest 2012 final from Baku - liveblog 9.46pm: I like the bit where they make a little heart with their hands, and then do a cartwheel. And then they jump in the fountain. Aww, bless. 9.43pm: Next up it's IRELAND! Which means JEDWARD singing "Waterline." Jedward will continue to represent Ireland every year until they retire, or Ireland have gathered enough Euros in a leprechaun hat to risk winning - whichever comes first. The format is much the same as last year, but they've swapped the red rubber suits for Pimp My Tin Man costumes. There's also a fountain, presumably to represent the "waterline." A toilet would have done. It's awful, and yet still I'm still singing along. I hate myself right now. 9.39pm: So who's next? It's MACEDONIA, with Kaliopi singing "Crno I Belo." I really want this to be Macedonian for "Cor I bellow," but apparently it means "Black and white." It starts out as a warbly ballad sung by Martine McCutcheon's mum in a dreadful black trouser suit, until some random rock guitars kick in and it all goes a bit Roxette. I'd like to say this is an improvement, but I'd be lying. Ooh, guitar solo and metal screech! This is terrible. Let it end. Hello, Heidi here! I'm BACK, fuelled up and ready for the final six acts. Next up is MALTA, and Kurt Callega singing "This Is The Night." We love Malta, they always give us points. It's a happy poppy tune, with backing singers doing nerdy shuffling and singing eh-eh-eh-eheh. It's heavy on the pyrotechnics, so I hope you're drinking. Kurt also looks a great deal like X Factor winner Shane Ward, and appears to be wearing a single yellow glove. I'm trying not to hold either of these things against him. This won't win, but I like it. 9.35pm: OK, I've done ten songs. Back to Heidi for a bit. 9.34pm: Now for GERMANY, which is fielding a singer who has basically turned Heidi into weeping puddle of oestrogen. Even though he's wearing a silly hat. The singer's name, incidentally, is Roman Lob - which happens to also be the name of a sexual practise that most countries banned about 30 years ago. The song is called Standing Still, which Roman Lob is singing while NOT ACTUALLY STANDING STILL. Roman Lob is an inveterate rebel, and that's why he's so easily won Heidi Stephens's heart. The question is, though, what has he got under his hat? My guess is eggs. Lots of eggs, being incubated by his head. One day they'll hatch into little Roman Lobs, and Heidi Stephens will marry all of them. 9.31pm: Here comes SPAIN! Due to budgetary constraints, the singer is wearing your mum's third-best tablecloth. The translated title of this song is Stay With Me and, judging by the singer's face, she's so keen for us to stay with her because she's massively constipated and she has trouble walking up the stairs. A lot of songs have variations of the 'stay' theme for titles this year. God, Europeans are needy. Oh, hang on. This song started off as a tiny wee ballad, but now the singer's giving it everything she's got. She's basically shouting as loudly as she can. Hey, you know what'd be fun? Getting her and the Albanian woman and putting them in a disused silo and getting them to sing at each other until someone's skull explodes. Make it happen, Europe. 9.27pm: Azerbaijan. Land of a mountain. And another mountain. And some more mountains. And, oh, a church. 9.26pm: Here's TURKEY's band of boyband pirates with a song called Love Me Back. Heidi says it's Count Duckula singing the themetune to Inspector gadget, but I like to think that it's If I Was A Rich Man, as written by someone who only heard If I Was A Rich Man while they were being smacked around the head with frying pans and gongs. This performance is notable for the backing dancers, one of whom (second in from the left) is the devil. They all have long coats that eventually transform into a boat. It's also notable for the lyrics, which include "Love me like I love you and say nah-nah-nah-ni-nah-ni-nah," which suggest that the singer would be pretty useless on Take Me Out. 9.22pm: Oh, it's good, isn't it? It sounds like something that you'd hear on the radio. And that's something that has never ever been said about any Eurovision song in history. The best bit of the song comes when Loreen - the singer - drops to her knees and inspires a flurry of dandruff to fall from the ceiling. It's properly amazing. Heidi Stephens is literally on her feet now. She's not dancing. I think she's just a bit thirsty. But, still, it's something. 9.19pm: SWEDEN's turn now, with the song that'll probably win. It's called Euphoria. It's performed by a kind of Shoreditch Winkleman. And it's quite, quite brilliant. Due to budgetary constraints, they're performing the Cypriot song from just now. Also, due to budgetary constraints, the singer is only allowed to wear half a dress. Also, not due to budgetary constraints, I'd quite like to marry the singer. She's got it all. She sings. She dances. She flicks her hair a bit too often, to be honest, but I'm liveblogging Eurovision so I'm not exactly in a position to be very picky. Obviously Greece won't win this, because hosting Eurovision next year would send its fragile economy plunging into a black hole from which there is no escape. So we'd better not all vote for it for a laugh, right? Right? That would be very spiteful. And slightly funny. But mainly spiteful. 9.14pm: Azerbaijan, land of silly hats. And some eggs. And men in silly hats looking at some eggs in an angry way. 9.13pm: Now for DENMARK, represented here by Diane Vickers wearing a sailor's hat that she found in a syringe exchange. This song is called Should've Known Better, which was incidentally the last thing that this singer said before stepping onstage, after pairing that hat with some tasselly shoulderpads. From this song, I have learnt the following: 1) Denmark REALLY likes the early work of Natalie Imbruglia, 2) Don't buy sailor hats off eBay. That is all. 9.09pm: Here's ROMANIA with Mandinga, which is a good thing to shout if you bang your toe. The song is basically a perfect distillation of everything Eurovision. There's a moonwalking bagpiper, a big drum with a heart, a giant afro and a set of lyrics that are mostly "See-la-li-la-li" over and over again. If a skirt gets ripped off, or the song ends with a creepy "Even though you're only three" - it'll win hands down. I enjoyed that song. And I sort of hate myself for that. Was hating yourself part of the drinking game? 9.04pm: And now for AZERBAIJAN, the host nation. I'll level with you, readers, this is the first time I've heard this song. It appears that Azerbaijan has hired a poundshop Celine Dion, dressed her in the nearest swan and told her to free-associate a song about telling her best friend that it's got a bit cold. This song is called When The Music Dies and... oh, why bother? You're all making the same joke as I am anyway, aren't you? The main thrust of this song seems to be that the singer is quite cold. She's wearing three feathers and a sequin. I'm no expert, but she'd probably be a bit less miserable if she put a jumper on. 9.01pm: We're in the green room of the Crystal Hall - the Eurovision venue, not south-east London's premiere gay nightclub - where we're treated to a brief chat with Englebert Humperdinck. Englebert, bless him, doesn't seem to know exactly where he is or what he's supposed to be doing. In other news, Heidi just took a photo of me, and used a flash, and now I can't see my keyboard. So excuse me if the next few minutes are a bit unflrw.,k/ It's performed by Tooji. If you're reading this, Tooji, Heidi says she definitely would. I think this is because Heidi has a secret thing for expressionless shop mannequins, but I'll let her deny that. This is good and all, and there's lots of very current 'wob-wob' noises in it, but I can't help thinking "If you're here, who's doing the Saturday shift at All Saints?." Also, he's clearly a bit of a flip-flopper. One minute he's all like "Stay" and then he's all like "Move your body." Which one do you want me to do, Tooji? I can't stay AND move my body. I'm not a bloody magician. 8.56pm: According to the inter-song postcard, Azerbaijan is the City Of Flames. And pomegranates. And dancers. And some walls. Good to know. 8.55pm: Here's ESTONIA, with Kuula by Ott Lepland, a sad-looking chap with preposterously expressive eyebrows. Having been to Estonia, I can only assume that he's sad because all the pubs in Estonia have to play bad dance music all weekend to satisfy all the stag blokes with their nicknames printed on the back of their rugby shirts. But let's be fair to Estonia for a moment. As far as ballads go, this is easily the most recent one I've ever heard. Heidi says that Ott is Estonia's Gary Barlow, which is quite easily the most stinging insult I have heard for several years. 8.52pm: Stuart Heritage: Hello, my turn now. Apparently I have to stop dancing to actually liveblogging now. Liveblogging SUCKS. 8.48pm: So who's next? It's ITALY's answer to Amy Winehouse, complete with ratty hair and Bacofoil dress. Her name is Nina Zilli, and she's singing "Out of Love." It's a jazzy little number, but instantly forgettable. Great lipstick and shoes though. Also, great teeth. What's with the euro teeth this year? Right that's it from me for a bit - I'm handing over to Stu Heritage! 8.43pm: Noooo, don't make them GO! Stu and I were having a little dance. Next up it's FRANCE, and I've never heard this song, so I have no idea what to expect. Well it's got lots of topless gymnasts, so that's a good start. And a very beautiful singer - Stu has gone all misty-eyed. Her name is Anggun, and the song is "Echo." France have entered some absolute dirge over recent years (Sebastien Tellier aside, he was BRILLIANT), but this is really rather good. Excellent use of the wind machine, and I'm adding "gold camel hoof" to the drinking game, especially if designed by Jean-Paul Gaultier. 8.39pm: Next up is CYPRUS, with Ivi Adamou singing La La Love. It's a cheesy pop anthem packed with half-dressed girls, bags of hair and lalala-ing. It's proper old school Eurovision, and I LOVE IT. Not sure about the abundance of beige, though. Or the knee-high socks, for that matter. I'm going to Cyprus on holiday on Wednesday. How many times will I hear this, do you think? 8.35pm: How do you follow that? It's time for ICELAND, with Greta Salóme & Jónsi singing "Never Forget." Not the Take That anthem, alas, but a quite dark and intense ballad/waltz sung by a man with immaculate cheekbones and Melinda Messenger on the violin. All a bit dark and Twilight-esque. Again, amazing dental work in abundance. The song isn't really my cup of tea though. Still, the TEETH. 8.31pm: Woo hoo! It's time for RUSSIA, with the amazing grannies singing "Party for Everybody." A Russian party clearly includes baked goods, which is my kind of party. Has anyone in the history of Eurovision had an oven on stage? Surely for this alone they should win? I think it's important that you know that Stu Heritage is not only chair dancing, but singing along. Why isn't she wearing oven gloves? 8.27pm: Goodness, they just keep coming. Next up is BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA, with Maya Sar singing "Korake Ti Znam," which is something about taking steps, I think. It's a sweet little ballad, with a young Joanna Lumley on piano sporting Star Trek shoulder pads. She has lovely teeth - fair play to her Bosnian dentist. Whatever steps she was planning to take are now being largely hampered by the wind machine. I quite liked that. Beautifully sung. 8.24pm: Thank goodness that's over. Next up it's LITHUANIA, with Danny Montell singing "Love Is Blind." Lithuanians don't do metaphor - Danny is wearing a blindfold to highlight the blindness of his love. Later he will gouge his eyeballs out before lunging passionately at a member of the audience. THAT'S how blind his love is. Ooh, the liveblog has gone, has been replaced by gymnastic and masturbatory air guitar (Stu's description, not mine). I liked it better when love was blind. 8.20pm: Brace yourselves, people, for next up is ALBANIA, with Rona Nishu singing "Suus." I say singing, it's more the desperate wailing of a wounded bear, sung by a terrifying Bjork-a-like sporting a cob loaf as a hat. It includes the lyrics "I land my plane/on the lightless runway of your soul." Listening to this is like being directly in the flight path. The way she has taped her hair to her chest is just horrible. It's like it's about to strangle her. 8.16pm: Right, we're off and running! Next up it's HUNGARY , with Compact Disco singing "Sound of Our Hearts." The band were originally called "iPod," but due to product placement restrictions had to change their name. OK, I made that up. Basically it's some men in black leather singing about the sound of their hearts. Unfortunately their hearts sounds like Savage Garden during their "limp dirge" phase. 8.11pm: Hurrah, it's time for the singing! First up it's the UNITED KINGDOM, with The Hump singing "Love Will Set You Free." Technically only the parole board can set you free, regardless of what your cellmates tell you, but that's by the by. If the Eurovision scoring was based on who's the biggest, most legendary "I've sold 15 million albums" septuagenarian crooner, we'd win by a country mile. Alas it's based on this song, which is OK I s'pose. 8.07pm: Out come the presenters, dressed in polyester bridalwear. They are cracking gags in Azerbaijani. The third presenter is El, who was the male half of last year's winning duo. He is wearing a white suit, and between them they're more wooden than a Thunderbird convention. 8.05pm: Ah, last year's winner. Let's see if it's improved with age, like a fine cheese. Well this year they're miming, so that's a bonus. 8.05pm: Will this ever end? It's only 8.05. 8.01pm: Men in white suits are dancing, and already there is caping action. Ooh, their outfits light up! A man is flying! Is this what LSD is like? Ah, that's more like it - elegant ladies doing traditional dancing with gentle drums. Ah, more drums. Many more drums. And so much dancing. Azerbaijan are showing us ALL the dancing in the world, ever. 8.00pm: And we're off! It's Heidi here, I'll be looking after you for the first ten songs or so. Is everybody ready? I'm excited. Yay, Graham Norton! And fireworks in Baku! There's a four hour time difference, so it's midnight in Azerbaijan. How drunk are they already? Good evening, bonsoir and axşamınız xeyir to the 2012 Eurovision liveblog! Tonight promises to be a cheese-packed variety hamper of musical joy, courtesy of the 26 finalists vying for the honour/economic ruin of hosting the contest next year. Tonight's showbiz extravaganza is coming live from Baku, Azerbaijan - a nation so loaded they've build a sparkly new venue JUST for Eurovision. The liveblog, however, is coming to you courtesy of Heidi Stephens and Stu Heritage, live from Stu's front room. We might post the odd photo on Twitter as we go along, so follow us at @stuheritage and @heidistephens. Just so you know, we're a tiny bit excited. We have food with flags in it and everything. We'll be giving you the low-down on each of the 26 entries, the hosts, the bewildering interval entertainment and the results, right through until it all finishes about 11.15pm. Heidi will be kicking things off whilst Stu goes and lies down in a darkened room following The Voice liveblog, then we'll swap about a bit depending on whose turn it is to fetch snacks. Do join in with your comments below - it's like a virtual Eurovision party, and all are welcome, even if you hate Eurovision, don't think we're in any way funny, and think the Guardian shouldn't be wasting valuable bandwidth on this rubbish. Feel the Euro love. Standard drinking game rules apply tonight - a swig of whatever you fancy every time you spot a performance involving a) startling amounts of facial hair, b) excessive use of a wind machine, c) on-stage flames, d) accordion playing or e) gratuitous wearing of capes. Ordinarily we'd also suggest you drink whenever the presenters get a bit cringeworthy, but based on the semis you'll be crying in a corner with a bottle before the first note has been sung. Currently the betting websites are showing Sweden's big dance anthem as the 5/4 favourite, closely followed by the Russian grannies at 7/2. The UK is currently ranking 6th (after Jedward) at 20/1, but Englebert is up first, which is never a good sign. Who are you rooting for this evening? We'll be kicking things off at 8pm on BBC1, so gather snacks and booze and join us then!