When Parents 'Too Invested' in College Admissions Make Their Children Anxious When several thousand guidance counselors and college admissions officers get together, they swap stories about students' essays, scores, meltdowns. And, at times, about students' mothers and fathers. Unfortunately, anecdotes about parents can sound unkind, at least at first blush. Consider: William R. Fitzsimmons, dean of admissions and financial aid at Harvard, said his office has identified the "top five parents from hell." He added, "It's sort of a hall of fame we have." That prompted waves of laughter from an overflow crowd on Friday at the annual conference of the National Association for College Admission Counseling, in Denver. Mr. Fitzsimmons was moderating a presentation on research about the adolescent brain, and although he was joking, he was underscoring a serious point. While some low-income high school students suffer because their mothers or fathers are absent or struggling to pay for the basics, quite a few better-off students have parents who are too invested in college admissions. "Teens face the nagging perception of achievement, often dictated by their parents or their community," said Judith Widener Muir, another member of the panel, who teaches a course in neuroscience at Harvard's Graduate School of Education. Ms. Muir, who also has an independent practice advising college applicants, said new studies suggest teenage depression is three times more common in the suburbs than in inner cities. Mr. Fitzsimmons said he knows firsthand about over-involved parents of applicants, because he's been "stalked" and he's even had credible death threats after rejecting students. He described a mother who called and berated a Harvard admissions officer several times in an abusive tone after her daughter had been turned down. Harvard even has a protocol for dealing with such parents: The admissions staff is told to say "this conversation is no longer productive," then end the call. Mr. Fitzsimmons said he's increasingly worried about the mental and physical health of high school students who feel their parents exacerbate stress rather than cushion it. On Saturday, a day after the presentation, many guidance counselors at the conference were still talking about the danger signs they see in top high schools, including sleep-deprived teenagers and those with eating disorders. Here, then, are five tips to help mothers and fathers keep perspective about admissions, as culled from conversations with Mr. Fitsimmons, Ms. Muir and others at the conference: Avoid referring to "our" favorite college or "our" application. You're not going to classes, and you won't be writing term papers (and you need to hold to those rules next year, by the way). If your teenager truly wants to load up with A.P. and honors courses for an intellectual challenge, that's admirable. But don't force advanced classes on children who aren't up to the task. Plan family nights when you ban any mentions of ACT scores, supplemental essays, or Cousin Cassie's contacts with lacrosse recruiters. Community service should be done out of a spirit of helping, and not as a resume-stuffer. Volunteering is just as worthy 10 miles from home as it is in Nicaragua. When accomplished students apply to competitive colleges, explain that they might be rejected not because of any personal flaws, but because this year coaches and faculty want a bassoon-playing linebacker or an engineer from North Dakota. And if you think that admissions officers are stone-hearted, realize that they understand that mothers and fathers are just trying to do the right thing. "I'm very sympathetic to these parents," Mr. Fitzsimmons said, noting that his own mother, in her 90s, still brags about her four sons. Mr. Fitzsimmons shared a postscript to his tale about the woman who chastised the admissions officer. Three and a half years after her tirades, she called to apologize. And how did things turn out? As Mr. Fitzsimmons told it, the mother reported: "My daughter went to a terrific institution which was much better for her than Harvard ever could have been."