P.S. 244 - The Zagat Review - NYTimes.com The New York City Department of Education opened the first all-vegetarian public school lunchroom a couple of weeks ago. Does the move represent a new generation of health-conscious kids eager to join the ranks of their nonsmoking, non-jumbo-soda-drinking parents? Perhaps it's best to wait until the reviews come out. With "throw-uppy" meatless cuisine dished out in authentic "cafeteria style" digs, N.Y.C."s first "totally not fair" lunchroom is already packing in crowds "crying for more" food and just "crying." Pick up a G.M.O.-free "no-chicken nugget" and hurl it at the "super mean" cafeteria lady with "chin hairs" because she is a "dumbhead" who sent my "B.F.F." to the principal's office just because he stuck the Carrot and Celery Stick Medley up his nose and said, "Look, I'm a wart hog." The lunchroom scores an A+ for ambience, and the "best seat in the house" is a private but "stinky a little" stall in the boys" or girls" room, where "in the know" third graders "sneak eat" the "old school" roast beef, turkey, ham and salami sandwiches they "smuggle in" from home. Except if you get busted, the aides might not let you ever go to the bathroom again, which is supposedly what happened to this one kid I know who took a tuna fish sandwich. After lunch, take a cue from the regulars who "throw away" their "yucky," "grossest thing ever" choice of American Chop Suey Seitan With Side Order of Kale Chips, or "ewww!" Tofu Tater Tots that "taste like underpants" and sidle up to the school nurse with a "tummy ache" that will get you sent home from school so you can play Wii while "pigging out" on the "Leftover Spare Ribs With Barbecue Sauce Your Mommy Ordered For Dinner Last Night." Hint: "feel better" in time for recess, when the "too cool for vegetarian school" crowd leads top-secret "scavenger hunts" in search of "two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun." Dan Zevin is the author of "Dan Gets a Minivan" and "The Day I Turned Uncool."