Cotton wool is useless for child rearing Professor Helen McGrath believes the "failed self-esteem movement" has created a generation of entitled bullies. TONY Abbott's mother, Fay, is a practical woman with a child-rearing approach that would horrify enlightened, touchy feely, modern parents whose idea of discipline is a five-minute time-out followed by ice cream. Mrs Abbott belongs to a generation where "to spare the rod is to spoil the child" and she is adamant parents must not negotiate with children. Negotiation is at the core of contemporary parenting philosophies. That requires the input and acquiescence of the child in the decision-making process. Parents must patiently explain why little Noah can't have jelly for dinner or why Mia mustn't watch TV for hours on end. Negotiating with a pre-schooler is madness; it makes about as much sense as trying to baptise a cat. I've witnessed mothers trying earnestly to reason with their screaming banshee of a child mid-tantrum. It's taken every ounce of willpower not to point and laugh. As children get older, they're better equipped to comprehend the reasons behind your decisions, but is there any point in seeking their agreement? Or do you simply create further conflict and disobedience by negotiating outcomes rather than telling a child what's expected of them? It's a child's job to push the boundaries and parents are too often reluctant to hold firm lest they bruise the confidence of their precocious progeny. We are not supposed to smack our offspring's misbehaving behinds, be unreasonable in doling out punishment or even utter the dreaded word "no." We are so desperate to pump up their self-esteem that we have forgotten how to criticise their shortcomings as well as acknowledge their achievements. You'd think a positive of this namby-pamby approach would be sensitive children who are kinder, gentler and less likely to torment others. You'd be wrong. Professor Helen McGrath of RMIT, a psychologist, researcher and developer of anti-bullying strategies, believes that the "failed self-esteem movement" has created a generation of entitled bullies. "Parents love their children and are trying really hard to keep their self-esteem high, (but) they've made the mistake of assuming that means their child can never have any failures, disappointments, sadness," Prof McGrath said. But if we're getting kids who are increasing in their sense of narcissism and the need to be entitled and always get positive feedback . . . that is a fairly dangerous way for our community to go. This overindulged generation is afflicted with delusions of grandeur that are reinforced by well-meaning parents, school system and even sporting clubs. Children with no athletic ability have mantles full of trophies for just turning up and tone deaf tweens and teenagers are never told that international singing stardom is not in their future. By rewarding mediocrity, we have given them a false sense of entitlement and an inability to deal with failure. The confidence parents have been so desperate to build up doesn't endure if it's misplaced; at some point reality intrudes. And when it does, these mollycoddled minors have no coping mechanisms, nothing to prepare them for the big, bad world after a life of being wrapped in cotton wool. Is it any wonder they are unprepared for adult life and increasingly refuse to leave the family home until their 20s? Economic factors may play a part, but the lack of independence and drive is surely a symptom of overindulgent parenting. The departure from the old school, tough love, disciplinarian approach is best illustrated by actor Will Smith's progressive parenting style. The Men in Black star is a devotee of new-age methods that shun any notions of boundaries and discipline. We don't do punishment. The way that we deal with our kids is, they are responsible for their lives," he said in an interview with Metro last month. Our concept is, as young as possible, give them as much control over their lives as possible and the concept of punishment, our experience has been - it has a little too much of a negative quality. It has since emerged that his 14-year-old son, Jaden, wants to be emancipated so he can have his own house and 12-year-old daughter Willow has a shaved head and sports a fake tongue piercing. I rest my case. Rita Panahi features weekly on SEN's Casual Fridays from 12-2pm. Twitter: @RitaPanahi