Nobody parties like cabinet ministers "Senator George "Soapy" Brandis: yours for an exclusive, thrill-a-minute appearance at your night of nights." Party Boyz! Turn your buck's night or bar mitzvah, wedding or wake into a funky fun time you'll remember for a lifetime. Whatever your function, kick it along with our fabulous funsters, the Party Boyz. Soapy and Boom-Boom turned into the perfect occasion. Yes, you can have federal Attorney-General Senator George "Soapy" Brandis and his merry sidekick, Agriculture Minister Barnaby "Boom-Boom" Joyce make an exclusive, no-holds barred, thrill-a-minute personal appearance at your day of days or night of nights. "Agriculture Minister Barnaby "Boom-Boom" Joyce: to turn your wedding into the perfect occasion?" Impress your family and friends. This delightful duo will have them rolling in the aisles with their knockabout comedy routine. Joke after joke after joke, the laughter just keeps on coming. Or, if you wish, Soapy and Boom-Boom will stun and amaze your guests with a ringing denunciation of the left-wing threat to our freedom of speech, the sinister conspiracy of the climate warmists, or the evils of foreign investment in Australia's agricultural sector. Then, when that's over, they're happy to party the night away, tearing up the dance floor. This is what radio shock jock Michael Smith had to say about their appearance at his recent glamour wedding: "Soapy and Boom-Boom turned it into the perfect occasion. And best of all, it didn't cost me a cent. I can happily recommend them to anyone. Yes, that's right. The guidelines for federal politicians mean the entire show can be charged to the taxpayer, leaving you worry-free to enjoy yourself. And wait, there's more. If you place your order for Soapy and Boom-Boom between now and November, Party Boyz will offer you an amazing 10 per cent discount on any one of our extra attractions: ■ Standing Orders.These hot hunks and cheeky chappies will let it all hang out for your lady guests. ■ The Party Whip. Fun and games as Madam Spank strips and gets your guests in shape with her raunchy routine. ■ Gorillagrams, Nurse Naughty, Poodles Pyne and more. Hurry, hurry, hurry to engage George Brandis and Barnaby Joyce for your party today. Call Parliament House Canberra on 6277 7111. Be quick, because this fantastic offer cannot last. When it comes to snouting and troughing at the taxpayers' expense, let's hear it for David Leyonhjelm, leader of the Liberal Democratic Party - whatever that might be - and now a newly elected senator for NSW. He has turned in an outstanding performance. The extraordinary rort that lavishes public money on political parties for election expenses means that Leyonhjelm is set to trouser something like a million dollars for his winning effort. He is "entitled" to it, apparently. And, as he told the Herald on Tuesday, he's no fool; he's going to take it. For what, exactly? It can hardly have been a million-dollar campaign. Leyonhjelm scored a primary vote the size of the proverbial bee's dick. The madness of the Senate quota system and a byzantine exchange of preferences helped shove him across the line but, as he admits, he got in chiefly because his party's name appeared in the No.1 slot on the NSW Senate ballot paper. The donkey voters numbered him off because they hadn't a clue what they were doing, or because they were so stupid they confused the Liberal Democrats with the Abbott Liberals. In all fairness, the genuine Liberal Party has a case for complaining that the Electoral Commission should not have permitted that similarity to crop up. The system is a travesty. There is only one person in Australia who understands how this absurdity works, the ABC's election analyst Antony Green. And I suspect that even he has trouble at times. Paul Keating was right about unrepresentative swill. And it is not just the Liberal Democrats. This past election saw all manner of fringe dwellers scrape into the Parliament's so-called house of review. Independent they may be, but they are not seasoned parliamentarians like, say, Tony Windsor or Rob Oakeshott, who brought knowledge and intelligence to the job. At best they are one-trick ponies. We have the petrolhead best known for his video japes with kangaroo poop at a barbecue. There is a man from Western Australia who likes sport. And there is former rugby league star Glenn Lazarus, aka "The brick with eyes," who seems to be a wholly owned subsidiary of the noisy Queensland tycoon, Clive Palmer. There is a crying need for wholesale Senate reform to end this nonsense. While we are at it, newly elected senators should take their seats at the same time as members of the House of Representatives. As it is, by a quirk of the constitution, the lot we elected last month do not get to sit until next July. It is bust and it needs fixing. But I am here to bet it won't be. I am writing this column on board the frigate HMAS Perth as she heads out of Jervis Bay to make ready for the International Fleet Review. The reader who wrote to proclaim I am not officer material will be distressed to hear that I breakfasted in the wardroom. Skies cloudy but seas calm. We are followed at a respectable distance by a long, grey Chinese destroyer, the Qingdao. The navy of the People's Liberation Army: that's something you don't see in this part of the world too often. There was a salty cocktail party to welcome the visiting ships' captains on Wednesday, thrown jointly by the Chief of the Navy, Vice-Admiral Ray Griggs, and the mayor of Shoalhaven and former Liberal MP, Joanna Gash, and held at HMAS Creswell, the officers' college on the bay. The visitors - especially the Japanese - were blown away by the hordes of kangaroos that famously hop about on the grassy parade ground (what the navy quaintly calls the quarter deck). Controversy raged, though, when Ms Gash insisted, quite forcefully, that the place is pronounced Jervis, to rhyme with service. The navy calls it Jah-vis, and has done forever. I'm here to say the navy's right. The bay was named for Admiral of the Fleet Sir John Jervis, Earl St Vincent, a cranky old martinet who was one of the great British naval figures of the Nelson era. Anyone who has read the seafaring novels of Patrick O'Brian will know his nickname was Old Jarvie, spelt just that way. Feel free to write pungent letters to the editor about this, but Jah-vis it is. Twitter: MikeCarlton01