Who are you going to vote for Fletch? If prisoners do get the vote, we may see politicians campaigning in jails at the next election Representative? Paul Mahoney hasn't practised law in the UK since the Seventies and has never sat as a judge in this country Axe murderers will be given the vote if Britain's representative on the European Court of Human Rights gets his way. Paul Mahoney told a cross-party group of politicians that all prisoners should be allowed to participate in elections. At a meeting in Strasbourg, he said: 'If you are killed by an axe murderer, I would still give him the vote. He would have a say. Mahoney wants Parliament to reverse its decision to defy the ECHR's ruling that a blanket ban on letting jail inmates vote is illegal. He claims that refusal to comply with the edict is 'damaging' our reputation abroad. His comments have been interpreted as support for John Hirst, who served 25 years for killing his landlady with an axe. Hirst has been campaigning for all prisoners to get the vote, with the full backing of the parasitical 'yuman rites' industry. Call Me Dave has said that the thought of letting prisoners take part in elections makes him feel 'physically sick'. When the European court's ruling came before the House of Commons it was rejected by the overwhelming margin of more than ten to one. So who the hell is Paul Mahoney and in what sense could he be said to 'represent' Britain? He certainly doesn't represent the wishes of Parliament or the vast majority of the British people. How did he get to 'represent' Britain in Europe's supreme court? Mahoney hasn't practised law here since the Seventies and has never sat as a judge in this country. His only judicial experience was a spell chairing something called the EU Civil Service Tribunal, a glorified works council which rules on internal employment disputes in Brussels. Mahoney is a career bureaucrat, having spent three decades working for the Council of Europe, the body which appointed him as a judge in 2012 on a tax-free salary of £150,000. His name was put forward by the Ministry of Justice. He was chosen from a short-list of three, which also included Ben Emmerson QC, a founder member of the Wicked Witch's Matrix Chambers, who represented Abu Qatada. The other candidate was a barrister who specialises in insolvency and pensions. This was at a time when the justice ministry was still being run by Euro-fanatic Ken Clarke. His department couldn't come up with a single candidate who had sat as a judge in Britain. You might have thought that judicial experience would be a basic requirement for anyone applying to work as a European judge. Incredibly, it isn't. Most of the ECHR's 47 members are career bureaucrats like Mahoney, many of them from former totalitarian dictatorships which have little history of anything which could remotely be described as 'justice' or 'human rights'. Given that some of these countries were until fairly recently banging people up in gulags for 'political crimes', it makes you wonder why they're now so keen on giving prisoners the vote. Of course, this isn't really about prisoners' rights. It's merely another example of a remote supra-national organisation imposing its will on formerly sovereign nations, just to show us who's boss. Although the ECHR is separate from the EU, it shares the fundamental belief that independent nations are at best irrelevant and at worst downright dangerous. The idea that countries can be trusted to make their own laws is anathema to the Eurocrats. And never forget that the incorporation of the Human Rights Act into British law was Tony Blair's self-proclaimed 'proudest' achievement. Comedic: Richard Beckinsale (left) and Ronnie Barker (right) in their roles as Godber and Fletch in the classic TV comedy Porridge. If prisoners do get the vote politicians could be campaigning in jails before the next election As a consequence we have lost control of everything from our borders to our criminal justice system. Labour and the Lib Dems love 'Europe' because it is a convenient way of saddling a reluctant British public with unpopular laws and ludicrous rules and regulations. The Tories promised to withdraw from the European court and replace it with a British Bill of Rights, a plan which enjoys substantial support among voters. Chris Grayling, Ken Clarke's robust successor, would pull out of the ECHR in a heartbeat. But the realities of coalition mean that the Lib Dems won't let him. And if prisoners do get the vote, will we see politicians campaigning in jails at the next election? 'Oi, Fletch, I've just heard that Nick Clegg's canvassing at Slade this afternoon.' 'I hope Mackay's sending a few screws to watch his back, Godber. That mad axe murderer on E-wing is a card-carrying member of UKIP. Defra, the environment department, has decided to act after an ice cream vendor called Mr Yummy was convicted of assault and criminal damage in a confrontation with another vendor trading as Mr Whippy Sundae bloody sundae New rules are being introduced to stop a re-run of Glasgow's ice cream wars breaking out across Britain. In the Eighties, rivalry between Scottish ice cream firms led to violence, intimidation and murder. While things haven't got that far out of hand yet, tensions are rising. Defra, the environment department, has decided to act after an ice cream man called Mr Yummy was convicted of assault and criminal damage in a confrontation with another vendor trading as Mr Whippy. Trouble erupted on the streets of Blackburn last November when Mr Yummy accused Mr Whippy of intruding on his turf. To prevent a repeat, Defra has issued guidance aimed at stopping "competitive chiming." Ice cream sellers are being told not to play their chimes "when in sight of another van which might reasonably be taken to be in the street for trading purposes." As a concession, the amount of time they can now play their trademark jingles has been increased from four to 12 seconds in a single burst and once every two minutes instead of once every three. In return, they will be barred from chiming near schools, hospitals and churches. Defra doesn't want lessons, patients and religious services disrupted by a blast of the Teddy Bears" Picnic. But if you hear an ice cream van blasting out Ride Of The Valkyries, like the helicopter in Apocalypse Now, get ready for trouble. It can only mean one thing. Cornettos at dawn! Concerning: The use of Tasers has doubled in recent years. In 2011, the most recent figures available, they were deployed 7,877 times When I said "charge him" I didn't mean with 50,000 volts Police in the West Midlands have Tasered an 83-year-old man after he walked out of a care home in Wolverhampton. The pensioner, who hasn't been named, suffers from psychiatric problems and was carrying a knife. Officers believed he posed a threat to himself and others and pumped 50,000 volts into him. The incident took place in 2011 but has only just been revealed under a Freedom of Information request. The use of Tasers has doubled in recent years. In that same year, 2011, the most recent figures available, they were deployed 7,877 times. No one is disputing the Old Bill's right to defend themselves and the public in dangerous situations, but the evidence would suggest they are increasingly trigger-happy. Last October, police in Chorley, Lancashire, zapped a blind man on his way to the pub. They claimed his white stick looked like a samurai sword. Plod also Tasered an 89-year-old Alzheimer's sufferer in Llandudno. And who could forget that other famous incident in North Wales when they Tasered a sheep? In this latest case, surely a couple of coppers could have disarmed a confused 83-year-old care home patient without having to fire a high-voltage stun gun at him. Autumn's here so the trains are late Thirty four years ago, as a young industrial correspondent on London's Evening Standard, I wrote the first British Rail "leaves on the line" story. "Leaves on the line" had been a running joke for years in Frank Bristow's brilliant Standard cartoon strip aimed at railway commuters. Now the excuse was being trotted out for real. Excuse: Once the butt of satirical jokes, the 'leaves on the line' excuse is regularly trotted out as real reason for train delays Since then, we've had all sorts of variations, including the "wrong kind" of leaves, to explain away delays and cancellations. The "leaves on the line" season comes around every autumn. Bang on cue, Mail reader Jenny Roberts writes to tell me that South Eastern trains has stuck a sign outside Tunbridge Wells station advising that "during the leaf fall period" some morning trains would be departing earlier than scheduled. Leaving early? That's a new one. I suppose it's better than leaving late. But trains are still not arriving on time. According to one South Eastern commuter, his train to London, now leaving four minutes early, arrived four minutes late. As usual. So instead of reaching its destination four minutes behind schedule, it arrived eight minutes late. You'd think after 34 years they'd have sorted it out by now. Stop the verb-ulls Plenty of grumpy old gits like me have remarked on the irritating tendency of young people, especially girls, to end their sentences with a rising inflection - so they sound as if they're always asking a question. There's not much we can do about it. But there is one other verbal tic which drives me mad. Newsreaders on BBC London are especially guilty. They insist on pronouncing words which end in "al" as if they end in "ull." Given the number of times they refer to London as the "capit-ull" it can quickly grate. There's one particular phrase which has me reaching for the remote: Hospit-ulls in the capit-ull . . . Aaaaargh!