Why a train test for tourists is just the ticket Using a Railway Ticket Machine. Candidates must prove able to identify at least the first three letters of their desired destination, and to locate the slot for debit cards in under 15 seconds. Negotiating a Gate. Candidates wishing to access a railway platform will be tested on their ability to produce the necessary ticket before approaching the gate, as opposed to reaching the gate, stopping, and then rummaging in their pockets for half an hour while a queue the length of the Danube forms behind them. Riding an Escalator. Candidates electing to mount an escalator on the left-hand side must demonstrate an ability to walk all the way up or down it, rather than halting five seconds from the end as if under the impression that there is no one walking behind them. Moving Down Inside the Carriage. Candidates will be automatically failed for mindlessly congregating just inside the carriage doors, thus preventing anyone boarding at the next station. Sitting in a Seat. Candidates are expected to recognise that seats on public transport are intended for passengers only, and not items of luggage. Passengers who violate this rule will be stowed in the overhead luggage racks. Ringing the changes with our phones What do you use your phone for? Ten or 15 years ago, this would have been a daft question. But a new survey has found that making calls ranks as low as sixth on the list of things people do with them. Ahead of it are sending texts, reading texts, reading emails, visiting websites, and even setting the alarm clock. Personally, I'd put making phone calls even lower down the list - because the survey omits one of the most crucial uses of all. Namely, pretence. The smartphone has utterly transformed life for the socially awkward. Spotted someone in the street you don't want to talk to, such as a boss, a friend you don't really like, or a platoon of clipboard-wielding charity collectors? Simply clamp your phone to your ear and stride purposefully ahead, looking too important to be interrupted. Smartphones are equally useful at parties. Shy? Awkward? Hopeless at small talk? Simply take out your phone and frown at it intently. Now, instead of looking lost and friendless, you look too busy to chat because you've suddenly got vital work emails to attend to. Phone deception is a technological breakthrough that has brightened the lives of millions of ordinary weirdos. Apple: we thank you. The Allen key to solving Israeli conflict It isn't often that international conflict breaks out over furniture assembly, but when it does, it's worth recording. On Thursday, after Sweden officially recognised Palestine as a state, Israel's foreign minister protested bitterly. "Relations in the Middle East," he sniffed, "are more complex than one of Ikea's flat-pack pieces of furniture." Sweden's foreign minister briskly replied that she would send him an Ikea flat-pack, to teach him that you can always overcome difficulties with "a partner," "co-operation" and "a good manual." To resolve the Middle East's problems, she concluded, "you need partners to sit down at the same table." A worthy sentiment. What happens, though, if the table the partners are to sit down at is a flat-pack Ikea table? This strikes me as a high-risk diplomatic strategy with the potential for catastrophic regional fallout. Hamas may accuse Benjamin Netanyahu of sticking the long metal screwlike things into the holes where the little stubby wooden cylinders were meant to go. Netanyahu may accuse Hamas of sabotaging the table-assembling process by hiding the Allen key. Hamas may in turn demand Israel cease its illegal occupation of the Smedsta Swivel Chair. Before you know it, Gaza is once more ablaze. The lesson is clear. Ikea must desist immediately from intervention in global conflict. The Stolmen Mirrored Storage Unit and Godmorgen Sink Cabinet with Four Drawers have cost too many lives already. Seeing red over green bias at BBC For decades now, many of the BBC's critics have accused it of having a Left-wing bias. I'd find it easier to dismiss these critics as conspiracy theorists if only the BBC didn't seem so determined to prove them right - at least on the subject of the televised leaders" debates. This is because Corporation executives are apparently refusing to allow the Green Party a slot - while at the same time offering one to Ukip and its leader Nigel Farage (pictured). I can't see why the BBC shouldn't include the leaders of both parties; the more options the electorate is offered, the better for democracy. Of course, the party most threatened by the rise of the Greens is Labour. The inference critics will draw is that the BBC is happy to split the Right, but not the Left.