Cheltenham painter Peter Spens' portrait of the artist as a very frightened man Spens had to think on the hoof as there only so many ways of rephrasing a one-sentence answer without rude but the less inebriated of the two interrupted: "What my friend is trying to ask you is how much do you want for your painting?" "Well," said a relieved Spens, "finished, framed and in the exhibition you'd be looking at about £2,500." The man, who had clearly spent more in the bar than he had won from the bookmakers, was unimpressed. So he leant over, held his thumb an inch from the wet oil and asked: "What would you do now if I got my thumb and went [blowing a large raspberry and moving his thumb in small circles] all over your painting?" Gosh, thought Spens, the wrong reply here and I am in trouble, but once again it was the Irishman's friend (and translator) who stepped in on behalf of the artist. "He'd dangle you over the edge of the grandstand by your ankles until you said sorry," he said. Thus chastened by his pal, the pair departed much as they arrived - two anonymous figures in the crowd. Geraghty's language barrier As a rule of thumb jump jockeys know next to nothing about the breeding of Flat horses. So it was a bit of surprise at Cheltenham on Friday when Barry Geraghty started waxing lyrical about Petrushka, dam of John Ferguson's Neptune Management Novice Hurdle winner, Parlour Games. I like his humour though. Having done his homework but, at the same time lamenting his poor grasp of French, he reeled off her Group One wins on the Flat; Irish Oaks, Yorkshire Oaks and "Prix de Bonjour." Nice try, Barry. I think you mean Vermeille, though. Not quite a free lunch At Friday's 27th annual Countryside Alliance lunch at Cheltenham one of the auction lots, which has contributed the millions made at this event for charities over the years, was lunch at The Clink, HMP Brixton. The Clink is a charity which offers prisoners the chance to learn about all aspects of food preparation and service as well as business. Upon release the ex-prisoners are found jobs in the catering industry. The national average for reoffending is 46.9 per cent but the strike-rate is more like 12.5 per cent for graduates of the Clink programme. It was bought by Richard Hannon, the champion trainer, who did not realise that alcohol and mobile phones were banned from The Clink. "It won't do us any harm for an hour or so," he said. Who is he thinking of taking? "I think I know enough people who belong somewhere like that," he said.