Why did the pope describe Europe as an "unfertile grandmother"? Age: Geologically, 20m years - formed after the breakup of the supercontinent Pangaea. Historically, 9,000 years, when southern Europeans began growing crops, keeping livestock and fretting about the common agricultural policy. Location: Just west of Asia; turn left at Istanbul. Etymology: Possibly from the Greek eurus, meaning broad. Status: Small, insignificant, in long-term decline. No longer broad, in fact, so maybe time for a name change. Europe is the centre of the world, the bastion of liberty and democracy, the cornerstone of civilisation. Move over Michelangelo, times have changed. Who says? No less an authority than the pope. "In many quarters we encounter a general impression of weariness and ageing, of a Europe which is now a grandmother, no longer fertile and vibrant," Pope Francis told the European parliament in Strasbourg this week. That's rather granniest. Popes can get away with being ageist, especially when they're not in the first blush of youth themselves. Remind me of his age. Seventy-seven - no longer fertile but still reasonably vibrant. What's his beef with Europe? Beef - very clever. I see you know he's from Argentina. He's the first non-European pope since 741, and was keen to point out how far Europe has fallen since its glory days. Which were when? The Carolingians, the Renaissance, the Enlightenment. It's been downhill for our "elderly and haggard" land since the French revolution. An incontinent continent. Shall I do the jokes? What does he think of the EU? The great ideas which once inspired Europe seem to have lost their attraction, only to be replaced by the bureaucratic technicalities of its institutions. Bet that went down well in Strasbourg. EU commission president Jean-Claude Juncker was said to have "squirmed." At least Nigel Farage will be happy. Farage thinks they have a great deal in common, including a fondness for purple. But he is conveniently ignoring other parts of the speech, such as the liberal call not to turn the Mediterranean into a "cemetery" of migrants from Africa and the socialist demand to provide stable jobs for all workers. Sounds as if the pope can be all things to all men? That's the secret of the Vatican's longevity. Do say: "Is the pope a Catholic?" Don't say: "Is the pope a member of Ukip?"