Mitt Romney's dad-jokes at BYU, ranked from worst to best Mitt Romney joked with the audience during a speech at Brigham Young University on Tuesday. Brigham Young University Did you ever wonder if being a dad multiple times over multiplied the Dad Effect that dads experience and which is largely manifested through corny joke-telling? Editor's note: All of my Dad jokes are HI-larious. The answer is that, yes, it does. And by way of incontrovertible proof, we offer this assessment of the jokes told by multiple-time-dad Willard "Mitt" Romney in a speech on Tuesday at Brigham Young University. We have extracted everything that we believe was intended to be a joke from the speech, some 15 jokes in total. We then ranked them from least to most funny primarily so that the first and last entries would stand in stark contrast, making Willard look either very funny or not very funny, depending on your opinion of those two jokes. We'll also note that this list is both comprehensive and objective in its ranking; no other rankings can make a similar claim unless it matches ours. You may have read that one of the candidates for Governor of Florida this year put a fan under his podium when he debated. I sure know why: debating can be sweaty business. This just isn't very funny. In fact, until I got into politics, the only person I had ever debated was my five-year-old son, Matt. And he usually won. This joke is the most dad joke of the set, being both 1) literally about being a dad and 2) being of the "aw shucks, ain't kids cute" variety. As we were unpacking, Ann remarked with dismay that she had left her Bible at home. A few moments later, there was a knock at our door. There, an Israeli security guard handed her a Bible. Apparently, he was listening in to what was being said in our room. This is about a visit to Israel, and it comes off less as "funny" than as "yikes." So you can imagine how relieved I was to step on to the stage and see a large and enthusiastic audience. Looking closer, I realized I was looking at almost the entire Wolfeboro Branch of the Church. A branch of the Mormon Church boosted turnout at a Romney rally. Fine, but not a real gut-buster. I was an English major. That meant that I liked reading and writing. It also meant that I had no idea what I would do for a living. Slowly opens a dusty book titled, "Humanity's First Jokes." Yep, there it is on page one. I was told to take bigger steps when I walk to show that I'm young and athletic. Another said I should stop shaving for a few days to look more sexy. This is funny, but these are suggestions that random people made to Romney so he doesn't get the credit for them. Actually, I'd prefer to say that I won the silver medal. In 2012, that is. It's an Olympics joke! Romney likes the Olympics. My Dad, then Governor of Michigan, joked that he had once ended a campaign speech with "in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." Decent. After the massage, the masseuse, obviously unaware of my political career, remarked to my assistant: "Mr. Romney has strong legs; he is a dancer, is he not?" This is basically ranked this high because it is very weird to visualize. Just imagine Romney getting a massage. Hard enough, right? Then imagine him sitting there in a terry-cloth robe as the masseuse and an assistant discuss his legs. That was a joke I bought for my campaign from a joke writer. And every time I hear someone else use it, I feel like demanding a royalty. He's referring to number 4, below. This one is also funny because of what happens when you visualize it: a cigar-chewing Romney crumpling up pieces of paper and throwing them at writers fired from "The Big Bang Theory." After Walter Mondale got shellacked by Ronald Reagan, he remarked that he had always wanted to run for president in the worst way, and that, he said, is exactly what he did. Good joke. Not Romney's, of course, but still good. Occasionally someone would come up to me and say: "You look familiar...who are you?" I have a standard response to this. I reply: "I'm Tom Brady of the New England Patriots." The joke here is that he doesn't look like Tom Brady in the face or in the body, dancers' legs not withstanding. Things were different then: the Beatles were the only boy band, Ma Bell was the only phone company, BYU cafeteria food was the only choice at the Cougareat, and Emma Smith was Joseph Smith's only wife. Romney is talking about when he was a student. The "Cougareat" thing is a bit of sycophancy of the I always say that Provo has the best crowds! variety. But the Joseph Smith joke, pivoting off of recent admissions about the church founder's marital history is topical. Even slightly edgy! When I stepped into the auditorium to debate Ted Kennedy in Boston's historic Faneuil Hall, I turned to Ann and asked: "In your wildest dreams, did you see me running for US Senate?" "Mitt," she replied, "you weren't in my wildest dreams." Speaking of edgy! On 2012: In case you haven't heard, I lost. It's funny because it's true. This is the best Mitt: self-deprecating, concise, funny. It's a dad joke when your dad actually scores a hit with a joke and then stands there slightly surprised at the enthusiastic reception. And here Mitt thought his English degree would never come in handy.