What happens when a woman wants more sex than her husband? Stacey's appetite for sex differs to his wife Vanessa's He wants to do it more often but she has other priorities Rebecca has the higher sex drive in her marriage Her husband Paul rejects her sexual advances several times a week Expectations of how much sex is enough in marriage can be a problem Survey found many couples often too tired to make love Only 23 per cent said they have sex as frequently as once a week Other 77 per cent make love even less often, or not at all By Helen Carroll for the Daily Mail Settling down on the sofa in front of the TV after tucking their daughters up in bed, Vanessa Powell's body tensed as her husband reached towards her and started to stroke her thigh. "Not tonight darling," she told Stacey, her husband of 12 years. It's only been a few days since the last time. By Stacey's reckoning, it was actually more like a fortnight since he'd made love to his wife and he joked, not for the first time, that he would have to start marking their intimate encounters on a calendar. Then Vanessa would see just how infrequently they occurred. Mismatched libidos: Vanessa does not want to have sex with husband Stacey Powell (pictured together today) as often as he would like and says she can go months without making love and not miss it Out of sync: Vanessa says sex has fallen down her list of priorities after she and Stacey (pictured on their wedding day) married and had children But keeping a tally is unlikely to resolve the fundamental difference between Stacey, 39, an architect, and Vanessa, 45, a receptionist, from Surrey, because when it comes to their appetite for sex, they are poles apart. "I make advances most nights and, if I'm lucky, Vanessa responds two or three times a month," says Stacey. From telling her how beautiful she looks to pouring her a drink or offering her a massage, I will try anything to get her between the sheets. I try different approaches because I don't want to sound like a stuck record. The sexual tension in the Powells" marriage - one that arises from mismatched libidos rather than lack of affection - is shared by many thousands of couples in the UK. Relate, the relationship counselling service, says that different expectations of how much sex is enough in a marriage is one of the top topics when husbands and wives seek its help. That's hardly surprising when one in five of those who responded this summer to a Relate survey, entitled The Way We Are Now, admitted they are always too tired to make love. Meanwhile, only 23 per cent said they have sex as frequently as once a week, with the other 77 per cent making love even less often, or not at all. He'll tell me: 'Stop looking at me like I'm a piece of meat' Stacey was frank with Vanessa about his high libido early on in their 13-year relationship. When she told him her desire for sex was, by contrast, very low, he promised to "love her whatever." Although Vanessa admits to never having been very interested in sex, she says that juggling children, work and home has killed off what vestiges of passion she once felt. But Stacey would ideally like to have sex every single day. "Sex has fallen way down my list of priorities because, unlike the other things I have to do, it's not essential," Vanessa says in an admission that will resonate with many working mothers. I can go for months without sex and not miss it. When our daughters were babies we didn't have sex for months and I didn't miss it at all. Mismatched schedules: Katie and her husband Paul (pictured together today) want sex at different times because their working hours are incompatible Different priorities: Katie said sex is often the last thing on her mind on her rare days off while Paul (here with Katie on their wedding day) would love them to stay in bed all day Stacey has a long commute to work and is out of the house for 12 hours a day. But, unlike me, stress doesn't seem to stop him wanting sex. Janice Hiller, consultant clinical psychologist at the London Tavistock Centre For Couple Relationships, confirms that clients repeatedly cite the pressures of daily life as the cause of libido problems. Some couples have sex drives that are equally strong but out of sync because they have different working patterns. Katie Whitney and her husband Paul, from Bridlington, East Yorkshire, want sex at different times because their jobs are incompatible. Katie, 26, is a carer by day and a waitress at night, while Paul, 36, runs a motor repair business during the day and is a security officer at night. Paul has three children from a previous marriage, whom he supports financially, and the couple are hoping to one day have a baby of their own, so need every penny they can earn. Now we've children, sex has suddenly fallen to the bottom of my priority list Katie says the only time they have for intimacy - when one of them isn't working and when Paul's children aren't visiting - is every other weekend. And while Paul is keen to stay in bed all day and make love, that's the last thing she feels like doing. "On my one day off I want to get on top of the washing and shopping and then do something fun and sociable, like have a day out or go for a meal," says Katie. Sex is the last thing on my mind. But there are times during the week when I have a few days off work, following a nine-day stretch, and then I'm up for sex - but Paul isn't. He'll come home for a three-hour break between his jobs and all he wants to do is sleep. Katie says that her libido is very much linked to her most fertile time of the month and she rarely thinks about sex at the start or end of her cycle. "Paul gets a bit cross and says we'd improve our chances of conceiving by having sex more often, instead of just the couple of days a month when I'm ovulating," says Katie. But our bodies are different. I can wake up on a Tuesday and think: "Ooh, yes, sex," but not feel at all like it at the weekend when Paul's in the mood." Desire is influenced by hormones, chief among them testosterone, production of which is stimulated by regular sex. So when a woman goes off intercourse, it can become a vicious circle. Testosterone in women also declines naturally by an average of 50 per cent between the ages of 20 and 45, with some women experiencing a far greater fall. Additionally, for reasons that are not fully understood, sex doesn't provide the physical and psychological rewards and satisfaction for some females that it does for others. More than a third of women either do not experience orgasm with a partner, or find sex painful. Perhaps not surprisingly, therefore, studies involving thousands of women in Britain, Europe and America indicate that up to half experience prolonged periods of having little or no sex drive. While loss of libido can hit women at any age, childbirth and the menopause are well-recognised triggers. But is it a myth that men are always "in the mood"? Dr Anna Janssen, a clinical psychologist and psycho-sexual therapist, believes it is. "I'd say, from the couples we see in our clinics, it's a pretty even split, with an equal number of men and women reporting lower libidos than their partners," she says. A recent UK study for online pharmacy UKMedix found 62 per cent of men turn down sex more frequently than their female partners, with a third reporting that they had lost their sex drive. Paul Morris-Jackson, 35, from Bromley, South-East London, admits to rejecting his wife Rebecca's sexual advances several times a week. While making love eight times a month would be enough to satisfy Paul, 40-year-old Rebecca is in the mood for it every night. Rebecca's rampant libido is perhaps even more surprising given that they both work full time - Paul is a chef and Rebecca a legal secretary - and they have two baby sons, Jack, 20 months, and Charlie, eight months. "There's an assumption that women who are married and have children don't want sex, but that's certainly not true in my case," says Rebecca. I resent it when she wants to make love just because it's her fertile time of the month I really enjoy sex, so can see no reason not to have it as often as possible. I take the view that once the kids are in bed and asleep, there is nothing to stop us making love. Sometimes I wish it could go on for longer, but afterwards I feel so good, positively glowing. My husband, however, is one of those people who can live with or without sex. He'll say to me: "Stop looking at me like that, I'm not a piece of meat." " Rebecca, who says a high sex drive runs in her family, uses her "womanly wiles" to get sex four or five times a week - a compromise between the seven she'd like and the two that Paul prefers. "Paul will often say: "Oh, baby, not tonight." But if I wear certain things - a little skirt or nightie and silky lingerie - I know he will find me hard to resist. Or I'll send him suggestive text messages while sitting on the sofa opposite. Rebecca's friends are astonished she has the energy for regular sex, but she insists it relaxes her, which, in turn, helps her cope with the daily demands of motherhood and work. Although Rebecca is confident about her size 14 figure, she admits there have been times when Paul's rejections have left her smarting. I was ready for sex within a few days of giving birth, and when Paul didn't want it I took it personally. I'd keep asking him: "Is it because I'm fat?" "But he'd say: "No, I'm just tired. Why aren't you after being up with the baby half the night?"" Nowadays she accepts that some nights, whatever she tries, the answer will still be "no." Desire: Rebecca is in the mood for sex every night but husband Paul (pictured together today, and below, on their wedding day) would rather do it less Rebecca's sex drive remains high even though she works full-time and has two young children (pictured with Paul on their wedding day) So is Paul the envy of his friends for having such a highly sexed wife? "I don't talk about it because it's shameful admitting that my wife has a higher libido than me," says Paul. But it's hard work being a chef, and when I come home I just want to rest. Ironically, Rebecca's libido was one of the things that most appealed to him when they met at a restaurant he worked at five years ago. But Paul assumed that, like many couples, they were going through a honeymoon period and their sex drives would settle down once they were past the first flush of romance. The couple married three years ago, their first child was born a year later and their second a year after that. Paul says: "Having sex twice a week is enough for me. All I want to do in the evening is collapse in front of the TV. But then Becci starts tickling my thigh and whispering in my ear. When that fails, she'll change into silky underwear. There are times when even that won't work and I tell her I'm too knackered. Paul sometimes even disappears to the pub to escape his wife's advances. In women, the amygdala - the part of the brain triggering fear and anxiety - shuts down during orgasm "A lot of guys end up looking elsewhere because they don't get enough sex at home, whereas I go out to get a bit of peace," he says. While his complaints are made with a wry smile, Janice Hiller regularly works with couples for whom libido imbalance causes "severe distress." "For many people, what's more important to them is the stability of the family unit," says Janice. But among those who do seek help there is usually a lot of hostility and misunderstanding - and often anxiety about infidelity. Even for otherwise happily married couples, there can be tensions. Paul Whitney misses the early intimacy he and Katie experienced when they first got together four years ago. "I do sometimes resent it when she wants sex with me because it's her fertile time, after three weeks of knocking me back, but I rarely turn her down," he says. But I try to get Katie in the mood by sending her suggestive texts at work. "She texts back: "Can't we just see what tonight brings?" Unfortunately, I know from experience, the answer is probably nothing at all. Meanwhile, Vanessa reveals that Stacey struggled with her rejection of him after the births of each of their children when she could have happily gone without sex completely. "He'd say: "Isn't there any time for me?" But I'd tell him not to feel neglected because it's instinctive in a mother to nurture her newborns at the expense of everyone else around," she says. Now the children are older, I do try to make time for sex occasionally because it makes Stacey happy and we always feel closer afterwards. Stacey, however, insists his relationship with his wife is too precious to jeopardise by seeking fulfilment elsewhere. "Just the sight of her makes me smile - she's such a beautiful person, inside and out," he says. I tell myself that if we made love all the time it would become less special. As it is, I really appreciate those moments when we are intimate. Dr Janssen says that many couples can enjoy long and happy marriages despite huge differences in their appetites for sex. It's how couples manage these differences in desire that has the greatest bearing in the long run. "The most important thing is to talk about sex, rather than retreating because you feel hurt and rejected, or getting cross because you feel under pressure to perform," she says. If you find communication difficult, counselling can help. They are words that will surely reassure many couples. Certainly, for Stacey Powell, giving up on his sex life is not an option. "I persevere because I enjoy sex and, as well as family time, I think one-on-one time with your spouse is hugely important in a marriage - it's what keeps you bonded," he says. I realise this means I spend an awful lot of time pestering my wife for sex, but I've no intention of giving up. I hope we're still making love well into our 70s.