Fifty Shades of Grey proves nothing sells like sex Picture the scene: itâ€™s Christmas morning, you are with the man you love and under the tree lies a mountain of enticing â€" and no doubt carefully chosen â€" gifts. Perhaps that small box, from him to you, is that beautiful Tiffany necklace youâ€™ve dropped so many hints about. You excitedly tear off the paper, open the box . . . only to find a tacky silver necklace with a pair of miniature handcuffs attached. A sign of your unbreakable bond, you hope. Â The Lust Suspender Belt, Â£12.50 They say: â€˜Set hearts racing with this striking suspender belt.â€™ A matching bra costs Â£10. Itâ€™s from Tesco, so you can do your weekly groceries shopping at the same time. Tesco.com Fifty Shades Of Grey Satin Chemise, Â£14 With its silver bow and diamantÃ© key charm, this sexy little number is (ahem) classy. Handily, it comes with adjustable straps and â€˜slips on easily over the headâ€™. Cuff and key earrings, Â£110 These may look like you picked them up for Â£2 at a travelling fair. In fact, they are said to be â€˜stunningly chicâ€™ earrings, apparently representing the key to Mr Greyâ€™s heart. Fiftyshadesofgreyfinejewelry.com Christian Grey Tie Necklace, Â£125 Women can now wear miniature necklace versions of Greyâ€™s ties made from silver. Has a â€˜sensual textureâ€™. Whatever that is. His second present is a long, thin box . . . and inside is a riding crop. The penny begins to drop, along with the tears of laughter and incredulity, as you open the last gift â€" a Bondage Beginnerâ€™s set complete with handcuffs, blindfold and a bottle of â€˜liquid silkâ€™ lubrication. Your husband has fallen hook, line and silk stocking for the latest and most cynical marketing ploy weâ€™ve seen for some time. The Fifty Shades Of Grey juggernaut, based on the erotic novel trilogy which has sold 100 million copies worldwide, has launched a merchandise collection in time for Christmas.Â But, believe me, it is about as sexy as a drawer full of your manâ€™s mismatched old grey socks. More bewildering still is that every smutty item in the Fifty Shades Of Grey Official Pleasure Collection is personally endorsed by E.L. James, author of the best-selling books. The so-called â€˜mistress of mummy pornâ€™ has even â€˜personally blendedâ€™ her own label of wine for anyone desperate to spice up their Christmas. Iâ€™m only surprised she didnâ€™t call it Chateau Spank. Has there ever been a naffer collection of tat? The books were bad enough, now weâ€™ve got cheap bath oils, jewellery, lingerie, even make-up. Satin wine, blended by E.L. James, Â£6.25 They call it â€˜a fruity yet decadent blend with hints of black cherry, caramel, leather and clove spiceâ€™. At least it is reasonably priced. Fiftyshadeswine.com Sweet Sensation Sensual Bath Oil, Â£11.99 A â€˜rich and indulgent bath oil infused with bergamontâ€™ â€" Mr Greyâ€™s signature scent in the novel. Makes skin feel â€˜baby softâ€™. Lovehoney.com Classical Album, Â£5.70: This 15-track classical album features music selected by E.L. James and sets a â€˜mysterious and alluring atmosphere with just the slightest hint of dangerâ€™. Crikey. From Amazon.com I read the first book. It was more slapstick than sadomasochism. What struck me most was how on earth could such badly written drivel even make it into print, let alone capture the imaginations of millions of (mostly) women. For the uninitiated, it is the tale of an innocent reporter, Anastasia Steele, who is seduced into the lascivious web of multi-millionaire entrepreneur Christian Grey, who turns out to be a sadomasochist fetishist. Grey gets his thrills by tying up our ingÃ©nue heroine to any available piece of furniture. He derives pleasure whipping, controlling and generally humiliating her, and she is enthralled by him. You get the sordid picture. Yet such has been its impact that DIY stores ran out of soft rope just days after the bookâ€™s release. So how better to capitalise on its success than bring out Fifty Shades Of Tat merchandising. The Pleasure Collection has to be seen to be believed. Tacky ties in every shade of grey, as if most men donâ€™t already have enough of them already. Then thereâ€™s the Sweet Sensation Sensual bath oil in Mr Greyâ€™s â€˜signature scentâ€™, which is infused with bergamot, sandalwood, musk . . . and balderdash. Despite the book being moreÂ slapstick than sadomasochism, such was its impact that DIY storesÂ ran out of soft rope just days after the bookâ€™s release (pictured, the film version due for release Feb next year) Many of the products are made by Lovehoney, a kinky online retailer which describes itself as â€˜the sexual happiness peopleâ€™. But while the Fifty Shades collection certainly looks cheap, some items have a hefty price tag. The Mr Grey â€˜tie necklaceâ€™ is Â£125 and the double handcuff necklace is Â£95. And then there are the riding crop drop earrings at Â£86. Thereâ€™s even a party board game, costing Â£25, that helps you to delve into the dirty minds of your friends. It is recommended for anyone aged 14 and over, presumably so you can introduce your teenagers to the world of sadomasochism in a family setting. Make-up range, Â£20 to Â£50: Due to be launched by Make Up For Ever on December 26, it will help channel your inner Anastasia Steele.â€˜Tease meâ€™ lip trios (liner and gloss) in varying colours cost Â£20. Roll on Boxing Day! No Peeking Soft Twin Blindfold Set, Â£11.99: Most people just turn off the bedroom lights if they want it to be dark. Donâ€™t stub your toe as you fumble around. From Lovehoney.com Will E.L. James be giving her two teenage boys, or even her husband, anything from her Pleasure Collection â€" which is nothing more than a cynical commercial exercise based on the darker recesses of sexual perversion in the hope of making a Christmas killing. In fact, any man foolish enough to fall for all the hype and give his wife any of this dross will be sure of only one thing â€" 50 days of sleeping in the spare room. Itâ€™s the turkey that should be tied up at Christmas, not the missus.