American men fight back - in "Manglish" Here, we American men can enjoy all kinds of manventures. We'll stock up on mansentials: bacon, butter, steak, and Will-to-Power bars. We'll roast king-sized manshmallows and mix each other mantinis: four shots whiskey, three shots rum, half a bottle of Budweiser, a dash of Manzanilla sherry, a tablespoon of Grenadine, a manly squeeze of lime, and a pineapple garnish. Sipping it from a plastic cup, we'll take a mansoak in a hot tub, where the Manstitution stipulates Metallica be played at max volume. As we wallow in our man-soup, we brainstorm topics such as what money our married friends might get from their high-flying wives should they get divorced and be granted manimony. Whatever's discussed in the man-tub, stays in the man-tub. Later, we might discuss what we do to manscape our bodies, and even give each other a manlycure: an ancient fingernail treatment, handed down by our mancestors, applied with a hunting knife. Maybe we'll fire some machine-guns, hurl some hubcaps, or watch Snakes on a Plane. If we're lucky, such manture mantivities will provide the extreme rush of joy we know as the mangasm. And when we finally leave our mantuary, we will part with a powerful manshake. Happily, we soon re-unite in aptly named Manhattan to play the dating game together. On the prowl, we respect our different tastes in women. One mate, for example, is into muscular, highly worked-out manotaurs. He's a secret masochist yearning to be devoured by a mannibal - or at least snacked on by a man-nibbler, that exquisite maneater-in-training. A man-nibbler will only break half his heart. To be clear, the Manstitution is pro-man, but it's not anti-woman. It prohibits overtly sexist words, such as the man-rib, which suggests that, since God made Eve from one of Adam's ribs, all women are man-ribs. Unacceptable indeed is a pick-up line like, "Honey, you are one succulent man-rib!" The Manstitution does demand that we protect our brethren from womanly harm. In the office, we're on constant look-out for that new archetype, the manipulatrix, the charming gal who gets us to do all her tedious tasks for her. Our greatest fear is the gradual emasculation known as a man-ectomy, where we lose all say on how we dress, what we eat, and who we see. It's most clearly seen when a man holds a woman's purse for her, leaving him manstrapped. When a man has thus lost his spine, it's time for a mantervention: a coordinated attempt by male friends to make the threatened lad see the errors of his way. This often takes the form of a semi-public man-barrassment - "How can you stay with her, when she's cheating on you with Newt Gingrich?" Manterventions must be handled delicately, to avoid sparking manimosity. The Manstitution abhors homophobia. It encourages us to go out with other lads on man-dates, and even develop manmances. It accepts that there will often be a mantraction between us - even the occasional manfatuation. If things do go further, it gives its complete blessing to mangagement, and the life commitment of mantrimony, now legal in seven American states and Washington DC. Sadly, some such unions may end in manvorce. The American Manstitution is progressive professionally. It's helping to dignify blokes who work as nannies, or mannies, and fights discrimination against male nurses, or murses - especially when abuse comes from nasty managers: man-a-jerks. Secret support groups exist for male escorts, or manstitutes, and legal aid can be used to defend those who allow themselves to be used as a drug-mule, or man-bag. Men have created language in their own image throughout history, which is why it's not her-story. But now, women are joining the Manglish revolution, coining words to describe their own relations with men. Manthology, for example, is a woman's back-catalogue of sexual and romantic liaisons. It's also her to-do list of future man-quests: "Jeremy Lin and Prince Harry are the top targets in my manthology." Manstipation is what a woman feels if she hasn't been with a man for too long: "I'm so manstipated, darling. I haven't had any action since the 1990s. Manbagging, a term that originates in the billiards term of sandbagging, is a strategy whereby a woman saves invitations from men to go out with them until a suitable slot arises in her datebook. Generous women describe a good-looking man as mandsome, or attaché a gastronomic moniker to him, like man-candy. Then, he will be savoured as that yummy, man-flavoured treat, the mansicle. A sexually available male is a man-biscuit; a tanned, slim and muscular lad is man-bacon. Such men are ideal fodder for a man-a-cure, which is required when only a man will do: "I need some heavy boxes moved, and a quicky, so I'm going to text Arnie for a man-a-cure." Zoology is the inspiration for the ultimate term of female praise: the manacondor: a gentleman who combines the strength and length of the anaconda, with the grace and beauty of the condor. Linen lends itself to words that denote only a functional role for men. We might be seen as a man-blanket, useful only for our warming properties on a snowy night; or as a man-illow, valuable only when a lady is drunk and in need of a place to rest her head. We may be exploited even more radically, as a man-cubine, owned by our partner; or, worse, as a man-poodle, a platonic man-mate only paraded at social events. Female word-smiths have many words to ridicule men. They complain of the mantarded mantics that we get up to on mancations: "My boyfriend's man-tality, where he feels he owes women nothing, is just bad-mannered!" Our American Everywoman goes berserk listening to manalogues: men's endless speeches about football teams, cars or chicks. She despises dumb, male-centric metaphors - manalogies - especially baseball ones like, "you really struck out with that dry meatloaf, honey." And she certainly doesn't believe him when, to calm her down, he delivers a fake manpology. She won't tolerate the notorious man-wash, where a guy cleans his hands with a few drops of water and then transfers the dirt still on his fingers to a clean hand-towel. She's grossed out at his mandruff - those tiny pieces of tissue that stick to a man's facial stubble after he blows his nose. And if he's balding, and all that's left of his hairline is a measly maninsula - especially an untrimmed maninsula - she may easily resort to manslaughter. Conversely, many American women show little patience for effeminate or whiny men, especially those man-children who are overly mansitive: "My husband gets the slightest sniffle and he's screaming to go to the hospital. What a pathetic mancold! Hope that men might change their ways and undergo a mansformation is rarely realized. He'll often reveal himself to be a manther, preying on younger women, like the female cougar targets youthful men. If desperation sets in, and a woman finds a real man less desirable than a mantaloupe - a melon with a willy - there's always the option of abstinence: "I've quit guys for Lent, Kathy. I'm on a manfast. The fashion industry has been quick to commercialise the viraginous new lexicon. As accessories, college campuses are blazing the metrosexual trail for the one-strap leather man-bag, or the more discreet manpurse. No self-respecting American male's wardrobe should be without a pair of virile jean leggings, or majeggings. Underneath, he should be judicious in his choice of man-gerie - usually a pair of manties which never reveal a visible mantyline, and always have an easily breachable man-hole. For cross-dressers, the way forward is mantyhose. Jerry Seinfeld once invented a word for the male brassiere - the bro - but it never caught on in American bronacular; similar oblivion has befallen the manbra. In the gym, men must pay careful attention to what shorts they wear, and how they want their mangaroo to appear. Spandex is the best choice for those wishing to show off an impressive man-grenade. For those embarrassed by nasty sweat-stains in the nether regions, comfort is available in an absorbent, mentholated masculine hygiene napkin placed firmly within your pants: the man-pon. Designed to alleviate life's high-pressure situations, even the utterance of that word, manpon, confirms that the future is bright for our manificent Manglish language.