Excerpts From Dickey's New Book R.A. Dickey's new memoir, "Wherever I Wind Up: My Quest for Truth, Authenticity and the Perfect Knuckleball," written with the Daily News reporter Wayne Coffey, is a refreshingly frank look at his troubled childhood, his success as a high school and college player, and his rocky 16-year professional career. Here are some excerpts: On growing up poor: Money was always an issue. I won't tell you that I grew up hungry, on the bad side of a trailer park, but every day was a battle to get by. My dad's car would run out of gas every other week. I wore my uncle Rickey's hand-me-downs, and if I absolutely need something new, I'd get it at Kmart. The first knuckler he saw: Granddaddy was the first knuckleball pitcher in the family. He fiddled around with it as a kid and got the hang of it, and got so good at it that he once struck out 16 batters in a six-inning game. He showed me a newspaper clipping to prove it. On being abused by his babysitter when he was 8: I feel discarded, like a piece of trash. She acts as thought she is mad at me, as if I hadn't followed her orders properly. I lie on a bed by myself wondering if what just happened is real. I am still trembling, still sweating. On his mom's drinking and rehabilitation: She buys a fifth of vodka and heads for home. She gathers her stuff and walks up to the house, already thinking about how good it will be to be in her blue recliner with a Bloody Mary alongside her. As she fumbles in her purse for her keys, the bag with the vodka slips from her grip and smashes on the porch, 25 ounces of Smirnoff trickling into the bushes. She watches the rivulets of spirits and smells the alcohol and feels a deep sense of relief. In His own time and His own way, God answers my mother's prayer. On anticipating an $810,000 payday when he was drafted by the Texas Rangers: The thought of the money is mind-boggling. I'm a guy who started life with cockroaches, my mom's lemon of a Vega, and the Western Sizzlin flatware. Now I am on the verge of being 81 percent of the way to the millionaire club, less commission and expenses. On finding out the offer was retracted because he lacks a ligament in his elbow: I want to reach across this desk and strangle this man who, very quietly, very dispassionately, has just taken everything I've worked for, taken my whole life's dream, and crushed it as if it were a bug on the pavement. On finding a syringe in a bathroom in the Rangers" clubhouse: The sight of it makes me cringe, the shiny thin needle lying randomly on the tile floor. My mind races with thoughts about how and why it got there. I know as much about needles as I do about jewelry, but I'm pretty sure this isn't a sewing needle. I don't know if this syringe injected a Texas Ranger with insulin or cortisone or B12 or anabolic steroids, though you can hazard a guess when you run through the roster of my muscle-laden teammates. On becoming a knuckleball pitcher: It's hard to wrap my mind around it. Okay, so not many people have ever confused me with Nolan Ryan. I get that. But still, I've always been able to throw a hard sinking fastball, at 92 or 93 miles per hour. I became an All-American and an Olympian and a first-round draft choice because I had stuff - a big-league fastball and a big-league changeup to play off it. Now I am supposed to say goodbye to all that and join the lineage of Hoyt Wilhelm and the Niekro brothers and Charlie Hough? On Carlos Beltran, his friend: No, Carlos doesn't throw stuff and burn hot, but just because he isn't demonstrative doesn't mean he doesn't care. He is one of the best players the New York Mets have ever had. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more even-keeled player - a guy you can count on to be the same person and the same competitor every day. ... On Terry Collins's decision to pull Jose Reyes from the lineup after his first at-bat in his last game as a Met in an attempt to preserve his lead in the National League batting race: The whole thing was very unfortunate, and to my mind, could've been handled better by everybody. At the very least, I would've loved to have seen Jose go out to short for the top of the second. ... It would've been a more fitting departure for a player who truly leaves it all out on the field.