How can anyone say that eating red meat will give you cancer? I suppose we all knew in our heart of hearts that it was too good to last. The past couple of weeks have simply dragged by, without a health scare to keep us on the edge of our seats, fretting and wondering if we're going to make it through the night. The other week, we sadly drained the last drop of wine from the glass, hoping against hope that we weren't too late to avoid the onset of mouth cancer, heart failure, high blood pressure, varicose veins and death, long before our allotted span. This week, our faith in the demented prognostications of medical research was restored: Harvard University came up with doom-laden stuff that was described as "statistically significant." With the greatest respect to the savants of Harvard Yard, those of us now teetering on the brink have been around long enough to know that all statistics must be taken with a pinch of salt (just a pinch, now! Too much of that and it's curtains as well). As for research, might there be a suggestion of a grant application in the offing? You gotta publish if you want funding. The bad news from the Harvard boys is that we might as well subscribe now to Sir Michael Parkinson's television advertisement for insurance to cover our funeral expenses, and pocket the free pen while we can, because if we continue with beef, pork, lamb, sausages, rashers, black pudding or crackling, we're heading for the Great Divide. If you've ever indulged in corned beef, processed ham, pork or veal and ham pies, you're too late. And that scotch egg you had with the pint at lunch has probably put the final nail in your coffin. Where do these geeks get off? How can you state categorically that eating "red meat" will give you cancer, heart disease and an early death? What about all the other foodstuffs, comestibles and "five-a-day" fruit and vegetables that we throw down the little red lane? What part do our lifestyles, our genes, have to play in our longevity or lack of it? Are we not all individuals who ought to be allowed to go to hell in our own handcarts, without someone in a white coat standing over our plates? It all comes down to the old gag: if you give up red meat and alcohol you may not live any longer. It will just seem like it. It's not as if we don't have enough to worry us. The Flood and Water Management Act 2010, for a start. And all the apologists for the oncoming drought, who tell us that we only imagine that we have a lot of rain, and London gets less than Rome. And we can't afford to bring water to the South East from the North, where they're up to their armpits in it. Don't worry if you've got a water feature, though. You'll be able to keep the pond topped up. As long as you've got goldfish in it.