The Apprentice 2012, episode one, as it happened 22.13 While Dara and the panel pick over Bilyana's inability to shut up and make some jokes at the expense of Stuart Baggs The Brand (Incorporating Field Of Ponies Ltd), let's look at a last few tweets... @RyanJL I'm making a special THIS IS A TAXI bag for Bilyana @CrikeyO_Reilly Think they should wear name badges in the early stages @TiernanDouieb Ah, The Apprentice. Or as they call it in Parliament, "Successful Televised Workforce" @brokenbottleboy Telling Lord Sugar where places in London are. It's like telling the emperor his toga is shit 22.04 So did the right woman go? In my book, Bilyana was rather hard done by in terms of the task and just talked her way into Lord Sugar's bad books into the boardroom. Let's switch to BBC Two for excellent spin-off show You're Fired! with Dara O'Briain. His opening comments say "I'll be interviewing someone who only a minute ago, I was screaming at to shut up." Dara also has some fun at the expense of the candidate named Ricky Martin and righly so. Why the hell doesn't he call himself Rick, Richard or even Dick, and head all these jokes off at the pass? 21.57 Fired candidate in back of cab in "shouldn't have fired me" shocker! Katie admits that she "owes Bilyana a drink." Indeed she does. Let's just hope they can decide on which pub is nearer the zoo and work out a STRATEGY about MARGIN. 21.56 Bilyana babbled her away into a firing there, I thought. She should've analysed the risk and kept her mouth shut. 21.55 Firing time. It's going to be Katie, it's going to be Katie.... it's Bilyana! Lord Sugar seemed to change his mind right at the last moment there. He was going to fire Katie for hiding but Bilyana interjected one too many times ad got on the Baron's nerves. 21.51 Lord Sugar is now quoting from their CVs - or as he likes to call them "rezoomays." Bilyana tries a sob story and the Lor's having bladdy none of it. 21.50 So it's Bilyana the fall girl vs Gabriella the ineffectual team leader vs Katie the mute assassin. Great rant from Lord Sugar there - this isn't a takeover of Goldman Sachs, it's a two-bob bladdy job, that was the gist of it. Gabiella is now babbling about not much. 21.47 Bit of post-Budget topical politics from the boss here... @Lord_Sugar You'll have to pay 7% stamp duty on that house in The Apprentice. 21.45 Ugly Betty is bringing back The Rollerblading Risk Analyst and The Blonde Assassin, aka Bilyana and Katie. Who's going to go? 21.44 Rookie error by the Rollerblading Risk Analyst, arguing with the Baron about whether the proximity of Camden to the zoo. Lord Sugar isn't impressed and comes back with something abut MARGIN. Several girls are speaking up here, semmingly for the first time. I've never seen one of them before. Maybe two. Perhaps they're just rolling in off the street to have their say. 21.43 The words MARGIN and STRATEGY are being bandied about. Nick notes that the shopkeeper was "cornered by a pack of baying hyenas." That's what the lemon-sucking Countdown host hgets paid for, gems like that. 21.42 Whle the boys do their cringey celebration thing, the Girls backstab in the Cafe Of Doom. Irish Snake is setting up the Rollerblading Bulgarian Risk Analyst to take the fall. Team leader Ugly Betty could be in the frame too. NB: these may not be their actual names. 21.38 Numbers time. Girls made 214 quid. Boys made 616 quid! A comfortable win for The Boys in the end and defying the stats that say Girls tend to win the opening task. Oh dear, the boys already seem to have initiated some dreadful American-style "Goooo Phoenix!" celebration. Is it too late to reverse the decision? 21.36 The Lord likes the girls design and rolled his eyes at the claim that the name Sterling "came to her in a dream." The Irish snake is at it again. 21.35 First the Boys. Lord Sugar likes the team name. The BNP bear and the bus? Not so much. Talking of whom, I love this tweet... @Lord_Sugar Do you think Nick is taking notes? He is actually drawing a picture of Margaret 21.34 Back to the boardroom. Lord Sugar hops up into his big chair like a little angry leprechaun. This should be good. I'm expecting blame-shifting, back-stabbing and talk of what is and isn't a bus. 21.33 The Boys are in trouble too, having sold a customer a load of stained substandard stock. Karren Brady's fuming. She clearly doesn't like being told what's a bus and what isn't. 21.32 It's the traditional mad dash round trying to flog off excess stock. A poor gift shop lady is being shouted at by four pushy harridans all at once. Well done her - she's told them she doesn't like making deals under pressure. Now a man with a smoothie is telling them off too. This is brilliant. Go smoothie man! 21.30 The Girls, after a strong start, seem to be unravelling. They're bickering in the zoo and upsetting the pelicans. Now they've headed off in search of shops and seem to be completely lost. Everyone's doing an excellent job of cueing up Bilyana to take the blame for this. 21.28 Bulgiarian Bilyana is "leading the hunt" as the girls try to flog their kids' stuff in London Zoo. "She needs to cop onto herself," says the Irish snake. I don't know quite what this means but it sounds WELL snakey. Bilyana is a rollerblading risk analyst, it says here. No, really. 21.26 Time for a few Tweets... @brokenbottleboy She will literally roar her way to the top. She's a professional Tony The Tiger impersonator. @nickw84 "Hello, can we rent your rooftop for an afternoon please? We need to record some twats saying ludicrous things @Lord_Sugar Reflection of perfection. Give me strength 21.21 They Boys have a snake in their midst too: Stephen. Why the long face? 21.20 The Girls seem to know what they're doing, partly thanks to Gabrielle's print experience. The Girls traditionally tend to win the opening task, too. In Week One, Boys have only triumphed twice in seven series. There's a stat for you. True enough, we cut to the boys and they seem a bit shambolic. And the slogan on which they're pinning their hopes? Makes me proud to be male. 21.16 Team leader for the Girls, meanwhile, is Gabrielle, who looks a bit like the actress who plays Ugly Betty. She's gone for baby clothes covered in colleague Jade's cute drawings. The Irish one seems like a bit of a snake and is undermining her already. I spy a villainess. I'm already calling her Katie O'Hopkins. I don't expect this to catch on. 21.13 Team leader for the Boys is Nick, who was the only one who expressed a vague interest in sipping from this poisoned chalice. Seems like a nice chap, slightly Sloany, One Direction hair. He claims he "runs his life like a spreadsheet," though, which sounds a little deranged. And picking the goods to print, Nick says: "I'm making a decision - big bears!" See? Like a spreadsheet. A spreadsheet covered in bears. 21.10 This year's candidate crashpad is a Bayswater townhouse that's been kitted out like the Big Brother house. The Boys and Girls team have already picked team names, settling fairly quickly on Phoenix and Sterling. Shame it's not the cities. I'd like to see plucky Scottish underdogs Stirling taking on the might of Arizona giants Phoenix. 21.07 Lord S asked one poor chap "Not sweating are yer?" I am now. Cheers. Now it's that bit where they try to impress each other in the back of people carriers by boasting. "I'm like Marmite," honks foghorn Maria. You either love me or hate me. Yep, hate you. 21.06 The first task is detailed. In short, they have to buy stuff, print something on it and sell it. Don't try and hide, though. That's what Where's Wally and Lord Lucan did and look what happened to them. 21.04 It's 8am and they're filing into the boardroom for the first time. Lord Sir Alan Of Sugar makes a speech about how if he was their age, he'd be on that side of the table. Trouble is, when he was their age, TV wasn't invented yet. He's not looking for a friend. He's looking for Lenin and Linda McCartney. I think I've got that right. 21.02 Early impressions: that shouty lady is annoying. But the girls look glamorous, lots of glossy hair being tossed around. The boys less so. The usual bluster and bellowing of meaningless cliches. God, this show is good. Hooked already. 21.00 We're off, with all those traditional Apprentice elements. Shots of London looking glamorous. Moody music. Candidates in cheap-looking suit making ridiculous boasts. They're sharks, they're assassins, they're puppet-masters and roaring lions. It's like a business circus! With Lord Sugar as ringmaster! Hope he wears a little red coat and top hat. 20.59 I know Waterloo Road wns the odd award and gets decent ratings, but I've never met anyone who watches it. Have you? Ooh, trailer for The Voice. Now... let's go! 20.55 Five minutes until the dum-di-dums. Time for a tweet or two? Course there is. @stuartbaggs This year they shoul start with the toughest task yet. Selling the crap @Lord_Sugar actually makes. Not bitter? Only slightly @jennifalconer Baby asleep, pasta being cooked and TV all set for The Apprentice! There's bound to be at least one major eejit, there always is 20.50 Ten minutes until Lord Sugar's search for a business partner... *dramatic pause, helicopter shot swoops around The Gherkin*... begins.