Quandary Considered: Pregnant, When a Friend Is Struggling With Infertility M., who has the happiest of quandaries - from her point of view - has a phone call to make. She's pregnant, and her friend, after a five-year struggle with infertility, is not. M. is ready to share her news, but she's been putting off telling her friend for weeks. "My friend should have been one of the first phone calls I made," she wrote, "but I am so worried about how it will make her feel that I find myself unable to pick up the phone." M. knew what she was going to do - obviously, the news had to be shared - but the question was, how? As she had hoped, M. heard from people who could see the quandary from her friend's point of view. Many of us loved hmbalison's story, of how her pregnant sister's show of compassion and understanding helped her get through the baby shower. It won't be easy to tell her, but tell her - in person, if possible. And tell her that you wish the same thing for her... and you understand that she may not be able to take full participation in everything, but you will continue to reach out. And be kind. Anne-Marie shares M."s situation, and she's resolved it for herself: she is pregnant, and she's writing letters to several friends who are working through infertility. I write because I want them to react however they feel like reacting, without worrying about forcing a smile or a hug. If they are sad, they are not sad for me, and I know that. They are too lovely to begrudge me my joy. But there are plenty of jump-for-joy reactions in my life; I don't need those two to jump for joy as well. ... I try and pour as much love and honesty into the letters as I can, while not pretending that I understand what they're going through. I don't. They don't need me to understand. A number of people were in support of e-mails, instead of a face-to-face conversation or even a phone call. "I would have much preferred an e-mail vs. a phone call, so that I could compose myself, cry it out, etc. on my own," Karen wrote. Via phone, I felt put on the spot and had no choice but to feign joy when, of course, I was feeling the exact opposite. But V, who has been on both sides of this, hated the idea. I would absolutely not use e-mail. This is such an impersonal form of communication, I would find it insulting and condescending if a close friend who knows of my problems uses e-mail for such an important thing to share. There was a vast array of good advice for M., all of it boiling down to sensitivity, but not too much, to her friend's situation. Her friend might need to "distance herself" for a bit, and would probably rather not hear details of how "easy" it was. But M. should be sure not to exclude her friend from this moment in her life. "Give her the space and time to process the information in whatever way she needs," wrote Nat, who found out she would never have biological children around the same time her sister announced her own pregnancy (a seriously tough moment to with such kindness). I am genuinely happy for my sister and at the thought of a new niece or nephew, and devastated at my own inability to have biological children (and the fact that I need major surgery). Both states coexist, but they can be uncomfortable for some people - though hopefully not for close friends. M. will be making her phone call (e-mail, she senses, would be wrong in her situation) on Friday, in the hope of not disturbing a busy week. She's going to do the best she can to share her news and her understanding that it might not be easy to hear. And, she writes: Several responses made me aware that it's very important that I acknowledge that I may have been remiss or additionally hurtful in delaying telling her my news .... The reminder to remain sensitive about talking exclusively about pregnancy and children both before and after my child is born is also a good one. That's something that I've found difficult to navigate myself as friends have had children, even without the emotional strain of infertility issues, so I'm extra dedicated to not falling into that pattern with this friend. At the end of the day, we've been through some rough patches in our friendship before and always gotten through them even closer, and I think that can be the case here too with the right amount of consideration. I vote for this, so far, as our most helpful quandary ever. Thanks for the generosity of everyone's responses. This was truly the Motherlode community at its best.