The Doctor Who guide to being a man To get hold of his temporal vortex in that way you have to be truly brilliant like Madame de Pompadour, a genius as well as a royal mistress. Or the magnificent River Song, who turned a boyish 900-year-old into a man using her "dancing" ability and a pair of handcuffs. Neither compares to his true love, the only female he calls "sexy" - the Tardis. But the Doctor knows that clever girls are cool. So embrace your inner geek - then find a fellow geek and embrace her. Troublemaker: Rose Tyler (Billie Piper) with the Doctor (David Tennant) Be ruthless. If things aren't working out, move on. Dump her on a distant planet, as the First Doctor did with the simpering Susan Foreman (and she was allegedly his granddaughter). Even gorgeous Sarah Jane Smith was jettisoned when the office called the Doctor back to work (in this case, Gallifrey and the other Time Lords). Tom Baker threw her out on the street without even a hug, even though his hearts were clearly breaking. He messed up, badly, too. The street was supposed to be her own in South Croydon, but poor old Sarah Jane was accidentally dropped off in Aberdeen. Easy mistake for an alien to make, but she was only wearing a thin shag-pile cardigan. Brrr. Bad date. The Doctor (Tom Baker) with assistant Sarah Jane (Elisabeth Sladen) Get yourself a trademark. Floppy hat, long knitted scarf, cricket jumper, bow-tie, it doesn't matter. A Time Lord looks out of place anywhere, so why not make a virtue of it? Jon Pertwee's Third Doctor did, tracking down Sea Devils and dinosaurs in grim, grey Seventies Britain wearing a frilly shirt and a velvet cape. It's called hiding in plain sight. Michael Jackson wore a single silver-spangled glove because he was a Time Lord. So how about spats? Wear what you like, but make sure you do it with all the chutzpah of the man the Daleks call the Oncoming Storm. Hiding in plain sight: the Doctor (Jon Pertwee) Never use a gun. The Doctor once told his warrior companion Leela: "I never carry weapons. If people see you mean them no harm, they never hurt you. Nine times out of ten ... The tenth time, improvise. Compromise. Talk, argue, rationalise. Flash a smile, use your charm, whip out your sonic screwdriver, that will impress them. Chuck food if you have to. The Tenth Doctor defeated a Christmas Invasion using a satsuma he found in the pocket of his dressing gown. The Eleventh Doctor scared off alien nations by holding up a Jammy Dodger. And if that doesn't work then ... The Doctor (Patrick Troughton) armed with deadly recorder Run. As The Doctor says in the trailer for the 50th anniversary show, he has been running all his lives. Maybe he's not such a role model after all, this moody, scatty, elderly gent who prowls around the universe luring young women into his love crate. They invariably end up in danger, screaming their heads off. Then again, it usually turns out to be the women who have the wit and compassion to save worlds. Without them he'd be lost, and so would the universe. Any men who travel with him are treated as useful idiots, to show off how clever he is. So if you hear a groaning sound, a blue box appears and a twinkly-eyed stranger offers a ride, then do what The Doctor told Rose to do, the first time they met: "Run for your life!" The Day of the Doctor, the 50th anniversary episode of Doctor Who, will be broadcast on 23 November on BBC1