Ashes 2013-14: How Australian papers might have reported day one of the first Test at the Gabba Working on a plan designed by Boof and his brains trust (made up of Brett, Brad, Other Brad, Big Pete, Little Pete, Bluey, Knocko, Germaine Greer and Two Legs), Pup and his men called on the spirit of Gallipoli, The Don and the never-say-die jogging endurance of Jim Robinson from Neighbours to hammer the Poms just when they were at their most complacent. What a loser. Once the trap was set, Pup pounced. Magnificent Mitchell Johnson and Brad Haddin then broke English hearts with a 114-run partnership that has all-but ensured a win here, and very likely consigned the Nottinghamshire blonde's career to the dustbin of history. Despite demanding and wheedling a new ball out of the umpires after just 80 overs, cheating England could take only two more wickets. With number 11 - traditionally the batting engine room of this Aussie side - yet to even have a hit, England will be lucky to escape this match without serious injury or possibly loss of life. In a pitiful attempt to put a brave face on things, the England right-arm seam bowler who is not James Anderson or Chris Tremlett faced the media to insist: "Yes, I am happy with my five wickets." Even the English surely cannot cheat their way out of this now, although Pup is understood to have a back-up plan of attaching blindfolds to Umpires Dar and Dharmasena in case bad light needs to become a factor.