Bells Beach swells cheat champs at Rip Curl Pro Mick Fanning comes a cropper during round three, which he eventually won. Picture: Stephen Harman Source: Supplied Women's winner Carissa Moore rings the bell. The Association of Surfing Professionals staged a fake Rip Curl Pro yesterday in the most elaborate hoax since Robert De Niro spun a counterfeit war against Albania to save Bill Clinton's backside in Wag The Dog. Extraordinary props: fake Bells Beach, fake spectators, fake 4m great white shark they probably stole from the set of Jaws, fake judges, fake professional surfers, fake commentators, fake corduroy lines of swell, fake sand, a fake Mark Occhilupo and ludicrously fake results. They expected us to believe all this? Suckers, the lot of us. The fake Kelly Slater paddled out against Brazil's fake Willian "No M" Cardoso - and lost. Please. But then came the doozey. The prank that went too far and proved the whole thing was a sham. Check the calendar! The fake world champion, Joel Parkinson, normally more at home off the Great Ocean Road than 12 Apostles, surfed a flawless heat against another Brazilian, the fake Raoni Monteiro. The fake Parkinson slapped down a 10-point ride and followed it up with a five-second barrel that gave him a 9.1. Normality was about to be resumed. Only for the absurdly fake judges to declare the fake Monteiro the winner by seven-hundredths of a point. Pull the other one, it plays Acca-Dacca. "Wow," said the fake Parkinson. The fake Occhilupo was doing commentary. "What's going on here?" he bellowed. I have never, ever seen anything like this. The top two seeds are gone in one hour. Nine-plus rides were falling out of the sky. Waves kept marching through. A fake women's final was wedged into the schedule. Australia's fake Tyler Wright tackled the fake Hawaiian Carissa Moore. The swell completely vanished for 25 minutes. Technical glitches? Problems with the set? Moore was triumphant, carried up the beach by her fake boyfriend and fake father. Approaching Bells' 90 wooden steps, the fake Moore told the fake men in her life: "You don't have to take me all the way to the top." Now leading the world rankings, she is getting there herself. "To win Bells is a dream," said the fake Moore. As a kid, I always looked forward to watching it and reading about it. The history and the prestige and the people who have won it, they really are legendary. The fake Slater will have an MRI scan in Melbourne for a back injury. Three Australians are into the quarter-finals: Mick Fanning, Taj Burrow and Kai Otton. A champion will be crowned today. For real.