Joel Madden fails to shine bright like a diamond Diamonds ... Joel Madden performing with Delta Goodrem on the premiere of The Voice. Poor Joel. The Good Charlotte frontman struggled to build a team in last night's season debut. "Everybody hates me," he said at one point, possibly between the phrases, "Nobody loves me" and "I think I'll go and eat worms." As rival coaches Delta, Seal and Ricky picked up artist after artist in the blind auditions, Joel grew increasingly glum. Perhaps his bad luck had something to do with his take on the blind auditions. "It's like mining for diamonds," he explained at the start of the episode, inexplicably fashioning his hands into a pistol. We hear something and 'Boom!'. At this point, he made a shooting motion. Precious gems and aspiring musicians alike, he appears to suggest, are located by sound, then blasted with a gun. Hmm. Mangled (and inadvertently violent) metaphors aside, Joel was his endearingly laid-back self for most of the show. Seal was unperturbable, naturally, while Delta and newcomer Ricky took earnestness to the next level. But before we get to the artists themselves - and to Ricky, who replaces American Idol defectee Keith Urban - we ought to address the elephant in the room, which is today's revelations in Woman's Day. Delta and Seal are quoted as saying on the cover of the magazine, under a badly photoshopped image of them side-by-side. Or at least, that's what readers might conclude were it not for the fact that a) The quote is not actually in quotation marks, which limits the pair's ability to allege misrepresentation and b) neither of them actually said those words. An anonymous "insider," however, revealed: "They look like love-struck teenagers ... no one would be surprised if they were more than just friends." Case closed! If you're still not convinced, consider Exhibit B from body language expert Allan Pease. Somehow, Pease can discern from Seal's posture in a year-old photo that he is telling the world; "this is my woman," in an alarmingly possessive manner. Exhibit C: "Seal and Delta are totally doing it." Which is a tweet. From an anonymous viewer. Posted one year ago. Fortunately, last night's artists were about as unaware of the affair as Seal and Delta themselves. Things got off to a quirky, with a capital Q, start with Kaity Dunstan, who sang Melanie's Brand New Key in that weird vocal style so beloved of today's young indie women. All four judges spin their chairs, then try to conceal their delight at the fact Kaity is pretty. She goes with Team Ricky, the crowd goes wild and Ricky himself looks happy enough to cry. Half an hour into the show and it's a case of "Keith who?" Sensibly, Ricky has opted not to mimic his predecessor, American Idol defectee Keith Urban, but to make his own mark with uninhibited enthusiasm and a habit of clutching at his heart to convey the depth of his emotion. In anyone else this would seem corny but somehow, he pulls it off. Next up is the clean-cut super-smiley Nathan Allgood with House Is Not a Home. Delta, Joel and Ricky all turn. Delta opens her pitch with the observation that his surname is "All ... good" and hers is "Good ... rem." Bizarrely, this wins him over. Simon Meli, a long-haired pub rocker from Western Sydney, provides the tingles-and-goosebumps moment when he hits the chorus of Led Zeppelin's Ramble On. He seems a natural fit for Team Joel but it's Team Ricky that gets him with this claim: "Hey, it might sound crazy but Led Zeppelin flirted with some Latin sounds, so why not?" Seconds after young Celia Pavey begins her haunting rendition of Scarborough Fair Canticle, Delta smashes her buzzer. Panicking, Joel hits his too and tells Celia he'll get down on his knees and beg if she wants him too. "Go on, then," she says cheekily - before selecting Delta and compounding his humiliation. The first rejection of the night comes with Evan Moring's pleasant-but-uninspired version of How Deep Is Your Love. This being The Voice, of course, there's no Vile Kyle to tear him down. Instead fiance Tamara is called on stage after Evan reveals he's "in big trouble" because she was hoping to meet Ricky. Where is she? Martin asks as the producer bundle her onto the set. She gets to meet her idol, Evan gets to hear nice things from all four coaches and everyone goes home happy. Indeed, the whole thing prompts Delta to crumple into a flood of tears. Alex Gibson nails it with a flawless rendition of The Beatles' Blackbird. Seal and Joel turn but it's Seal who wins him over with a parable about his botched performance on the UK's Top of the Pops many years ago. By now, any doubts about year's crop of contestants have dissipated. Mostly they're better than last year's. Indeed the entire show feels more polished and the coaches more assured. Joel, however, is looking increasingly despondent. Lara Parker-Kent is next with her smooth version of Livin' on a Prayer. As the introductory video package explains, her dad is a member of Aussie pub rock band The Radiators. Oddly, the producers omit any reference to their most famous song Gimme Head, with its explicit instructions on how to perform oral sex. Lara's voice grabs the coaches from the start and they're poised to spin their chairs, waiting for the moment of magic. But it never comes. Her chorus, while pitch-perfect, is simply too understated. Of course, this criticism is delivered in the nicest way possible and frankly, Lara seems content just to have met Ricky. But what about Joel? With one audition left, he's down to his last chance. Out comes the wonderfully-named Lyric McFarland; all tattoos, sneakers and sassy attitude. When she rips into the bridge of Shy Guy, everyone knows it's only a matter of seconds before every coach turns. Joel praises her performance as "bad ass" and tells her she was "on like Donkey Kong ... you killed it." Lyric's eyes say it all: she's found her coach. Not wanting to leave anything to chance, Joel climbs on his chair and encourages the crowd to roar their support and make her pick him. She picks him. Phew. Final score. Team Delta: 2. Team Ricky: 2. Team Seal: 1. Team Joel: 1. mlallo@fairfaxmedia.com.a