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'Talking' Ants Are Evidence for Creation
by Jeffrey P. Tomkins, Ph.D. *
New surprises revealing complex bio-engineering keep emerging as evolutionary scientists continue to unwittingly obey the biblical command to "observe the ant"(Proverbs 6:6; 30:25). The latest bio-engineering discovery is that a key component of ant colony survival is based on sound (acoustic) communication systems.1
One of the long-standing paradigms of animal communication is the use of airborne chemical messages called pheromones. Ants use pheromones to leave chemical trails that can be followed by other members and to also identify which nest an ant is from, along with its social status in the colony. Now, scientists can add yet another layer of complexity and communication in ant colonies based on acoustics.
Scientists have been studying a type of ant commonly found in Europe. This ant has a specialized appendage on its abdomen that it strokes with its hind legs to create sound signals. Other ants can detect and process these signals, resulting in various complex social responses that are key to survival of the colony. Several years ago, researchers found that, in adult ants, these signals can act like an emergency beacon when an ant is threatened by a predator.2
If the discovery of this complex signaling in adult ants was not enough of a surprise, scientists have now determined that developing larvae back in the nest also use this technique, which is important for the ant colony's survival. Everything in an ant colony is performed in an orderly manner.
When an ant nest is disturbed and threatened, the worker ants immediately go about rescuing the nest. First, they grab and remove the mature larvae and then the immature larvae and pupae. As it turns out, the mature larvae use acoustic communication via their early maturing acoustic appendage, which the younger larvae and pupae lack, to signal their social status to the worker ants, enabling them to be extricated first (see image below). In the event of settling a new colony, the mature larvae would hatch first and thus be more valuable assets than the younger larvae, which require more resources.
It is also noteworthy that the acoustic signals are not performed in isolation, but co-processed along with other pheromone sensory signals using complex internal bioprocessing systems. Several other news articles from the Institute for Creation Research have discussed the complexity of ant colonies and their management through highly engineered bioprocessing systems.3,4,5
The combination of various sensory communication and processing systems are a clear example of an all-or-nothing suite of features referred to as irreducible complexity. All the ants would die in one generation if you remove any one of these features: 1) early maturing abdominal acoustic appendage, 2) instinct to "strum"it, 3) sensors in adults to detect it, 4) ant brains to interpret the sounds, and 5) the instinct to protect the mature larvae.
These new discoveries are amazing testimonies to the intelligence of the powerful Creator who engineered these remarkable living systems that utterly defy evolutionary dogma.
- Casacci, L. P. et al. Ant Pupae Employ Acoustics to Communicate Social Status in Their Colony's Hierarchy. Current Biology. Published online before print, February 7, 2013.
- Barbero, F. et al. Myrmica Ants and Their Butterfly Parasites with Special Focus on the Acoustic Communication. Psyche. 2012 (2012).
- Thomas, B. Scientists Discover the 'Anternet.' Creation Science Update. Posted on icr.org September 14, 2012, accessed February 11, 2013.
- Thomas, B. Ant Algorithms Argue Against Evolutionary Origins. Creation Science Update. Posted on icr.org February 17, 2009, accessed February 11, 2013.
- Tomkins, J. Communal Nutrition in Ants: Strong Evidence for Creation. Creation Science Update. Posted on icr.org July 8, 2009, accessed February 11, 2013.
* Dr. Tomkins is a Research Associate and received his Ph.D. in Genetics from Clemson University.
Article posted on February 22, 2013.


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So while I struggle on with writing my own book, here's a woman whose books I admire hugely! Brené Brown is a researcher-storyteller who has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. It was the publication of her latest book, The Gifts of Imperfection, and the Perfect Protest on her blog, that inspired my recent post about my *ahem* glorious imperfection. She's inspiring, intelligent, real and doing such important work, and I'm thrilled to have her company in this space today!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dr Brené Brown…
SC: Did you always know you'd teach and write? How did this path begin for you?
BB: The journey that led me to become a researcher was anything but a straight and narrow path, which, ironically, is probably why and how I ended up studying human behavior and emotion for a living. I was a college drop-in and drop-out for a number of years. During my "off semesters," I waited tables and tended bar, hitchhiked through Europe, partied too much, and played a lot of tennis.
I found the social work profession in my late twenties and knew it was home. I did a two-year stint in junior colleges to raise my GPA enough to get into a big university with a social work program. It was in those junior college classes that I feel in love with teaching and writing.
Why write about imperfection, and why now?
I really started with an interest in studying the anatomy of connection. How do people cultivate genuine connection? About two months into that research I ran into this thing that unraveled connection; it tore relationships apart and fueled isolation. That thing was shame. I thought I'd merely "look into" the shame topic for a few months. Six years later, I finally got my head around shame and how it works.
As it turns out, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. If we want to understand what drives the "Never good enough" feeling – we have to understand perfectionism. If we want to practice authenticity – a prerequisite for connection – we have to understand how perfectionism gets in our way. Until we start embracing our imperfections and vulnerabilities, we will struggle to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. My new research on wholeheartedness is all about moving from "What will people think?" to "I am enough."
In your most recent post you said: 'Being our best selves is about cultivating the courage to be vulnerable, authentic, and imperfect.' How do you cultivate YOUR courage, Brené?
As you know, courage is a huge theme in my life. It seems that I'm either praying for some, feeling grateful for having found a little bit, appreciating it in other people, or studying it.
The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage literally had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has actually changed, and today, courage is synonymous with being heroic or performing brave deeds.
Heroics and bravery are important, but I think we've lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we and about our experiences (good and bad) is the ultimate act of courage. Heroics is often about putting your life on the line. Courage is about putting your vulnerability on the line. In today's world, that's pretty extraordinary.
For me, practicing courage means telling my story with all of my heart. It means being honest about who I am, what I believe, and how I feel. It doesn't come easy for me – I have a tendency to self-protect – but it really is about practicing authenticity and letting myself be seen.
You're a professor, a researcher, a writer, a mother, a wife. How do you dance with all these roles in a typical day?
Dance is the perfect metaphor for what my life looks like. The original Texas Cotton-Eyed Joe is the dance of my life (not the new techno version with the line dance stuff). In the original dance, you hold on to a bunch of folks you trust, you move forward one step at a time, and every now and then you push back and yell, "Bullshit!"
I have an amazing husband, a strong support network of friends and family, and two awesome kids. I try to set and hold a lot of boundaries. I love my online life and I'm grateful for the opportunity to share my work with the public, but I am an intensely private person and a homebody. I drive carpool, volunteer at the school store, sit in the front yard and talk to neighbors, do art with my kids, and sneak in as many date nights with Steve as possible. I schedule my downtime and family time just like I schedule my work events – they are nonnegotiable.
What and who inspires you – could you share some links with us?
I'm a deeply spiritual person, so my greatest personal inspiration comes from my faith. I access my faith mostly through nature, prayer, and music. Music plays a huge role in my life – I love everything, but mostly rock, 70s music, and Texas folk music. I'm on a Rolling Stones bender right now.
I'm also inspired by people who share their gifts with the world – folks who are teaching and leading and holding space for others. I have a new "classes" tab on my blog. These teachers and their classes inspire me.
Of course, there are several books that I would say literally changed my life.
What is the message you want to share with the world? (in other words, what do you consider to be your life's work?)
I really think my research on Wholehearted living is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Here's a quote from the new book that explains what I mean by "living and loving with your whole heart:"
"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of
worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection
to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and
how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking,
Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't
change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging."
I want to learn more about this AND I want to live it.
What are you working on next?
I'm working a couple of things right now. A book titled, The Gifts Of Imperfect Parenting, and a memoir titled, Wholehearted: Spiritual Adventures In Falling Apart, Growing Up, And Finding Joy.
You're having a dinner party and can invite six famous people from the past or present – who would you choose and why?
Dang! I've been trying to think of my list and I just can't make myself do it. I could choose Martin Luther King and Eleanor Roosevelt, and other people I admire, but the truth is that I really don't want to go to a dinner party. I'd like to cook something and sit down with Steve and the kids, then maybe piddle around the house while Ellen and Charlie play outside.
* * * * *
Brené, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us today! Isn't she fabulous? And as if her fabulousness wasn't enough, Brené has very kindly given me TWO copies of her new book to give away, so if you'd like to read more about the Gifts of Imperfection, simply leave a comment on this post and I'll draw two names on Friday :)
[the giveaway is now closed]
photo of Brené by Andrea Scher :: more interviews over here

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JOHNSON CITY, NY — BAE Systems, a developer and producer of hybrid electric technologies, launched its parallel hybrid green propulsion system for heavy-duty truck applications at the National Truck Equipment Association Work Truck Show in Indianapolis.
The parallel system, designed for Class 6, 7, and 8 vocational trucks, is the latest version of the company's HybriDrive green propulsion system. The work truck show is being held at the Indiana Convention Center today through Thursday.
The HybriDrive series propulsion system — currently in service on more than 3,000 transit buses in cities around the world — meets the demands of urban transit duty cycles, which require low average speeds and frequent stop-and-go operation. The HybriDrive parallel system is designed to address the needs of vehicles with duty cycles that require higher operating speeds and less frequent stops.
"Vocational truck fleets that transition to our heavy-duty HybriDrive system will experience fuel savings not before seen in these truck classes," said Steve Trichka, vice president of power and energy management for BAE Systems. "Our HybriDrive parallel system is the optimal hybrid electric solution for vehicles that operate in diverse duty cycles beyond standard urban operational modes."
With more than 200 million miles of revenue service, more than 10 million gallons of diesel fuel saved, and more than 100,000 tons of carbon dioxide emissions prevented, the market-leading HybriDrive series system has proven itself to be one of the most efficient hybrid systems for the transit bus sector and has provided significant environmental benefits.
HybriDrive series and parallel technologies both use simplified and proven components and controls to deliver their capabilities. While the series system does not use a transmission, the HybriDrive parallel system is based on a single electric machine integrated between the engine and the transmission. The system can be installed with minimal impact to the vehicle, and enhances propulsion through an optimized blending of internal combustion engine power and electric power. The system's energy management and control capabilities ensure all energy flow ― such as propulsion and recuperation ― occurs in a highly efficient fashion, resulting in lower fuel consumption and reduced emissions.
The HybriDrive parallel systems' power and torque ratings range from 95 horsepower (Hp) to 145 Hp and 300 lbs-ft 400 –lbs-ft. The system is designed to support large bore heavy duty power plants ranging from 350 Hp to 600 Hp, with associated torque ratings of 750 lbs-ft to 2,150 lbs.-ft.
Buses equipped with BAE Systems' HybriDrive series system have transported more than a billion passengers in cities across North America and in the United Kingdom including New York, San Francisco, Toronto, Ottawa, Houston, Seattle, London, and Oxford, U.K., and powers vehicles by the world's leading bus manufacturers, including Daimler and New Flyer in the United States and Alexander Dennis and Irisbus Iveco in Europe.
The HybriDrive parallel system, in final stages of development, will see it first road trials this spring and is expected to be deployed in markets around the world in 2012.
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text:
A Bed-Stuy State of Mind: Gentrification Shaken and Stirred
My first morning in Bed-Stuy was the most amazing morning of my life. I sat on the stoop and watched as the neighborhood stretched and yawned. The sun peeked over the brownstones, as weed smoke wafted through the air like the smell of breakfast bacon. Rastas swaggered up the block, their hair stuffed into stockings, crowned high on their heads. Little boys in blue pants and untucked white shirts, chased little girls in princess dresses down the sidewalk, laughing. Their mothers strutted behind them, shouldering heavy purses and gripping tight to bibles. A shirtless man banged at something underneath his car.
Every few minutes he'd stand up, stare at the innards under the hood, take a few drags from his cigarette, shake his head in frustration, and then get back down under the jalopy. Soca music blared from a window across the street. An elderly woman with hair like cotton, watered her plants and swung her hips to the beat. A skinny guy with a muscular pit-bull came from the house next door. He nodded. I nodded back. His dog turned his big bowling ball head toward me, and flashed a sloppy smile. I took it as a sign, and knew I was home.
To me, Bed-Stuy was brimming with the perfect blend of edge and charm, but whenever I told anyone outside of the neighborhood where I lived, I was met by looks of worry and sympathy, as if I was a soldier on my way to war. Though the community was indeed far from perfect, it wasn't some bubble of barbarism that people who lived there were working to escape from.
Bed-Stuy carried a trumped-up, nasty stigma, birthed from the plague that infected every black community in America during the eighties and early nineties. So many people, most of whom had never even been to Bed-Stuy, imagined the community as a slum, overrun with drunks and junkies, and Wild West shootouts in the middle of the street. Ghetto tales of dilapidated project buildings and crack deals woven by artists like Jay-Z, who's permeated every corner of pop culture, had reduced Bed-Stuy, a neighborhood of over 150,000 people, to the Marcy Projects.
So when I said that I lived in Bed-Stuy, people either offered me pity or some sort of imaginary badge of courage for braving the "savage wild." But I was okay with it, because I knew the truth — a well-kept secret.
Today, I'm sitting on the same block, and the people who once considered Bed-Stuy a jungle, lazily walk their tiny dogs past me. Apparently, the secret got out. While they were cooped up in cramped Manhattan apartments afraid of Bed-Stuy, many of us in Bed-Stuy were living in beautiful, spacious brownstones. While they were wading through the torrential waves of tourists, we were strolling down tree-lined blocks, laughing with our neighbors, playing cards on the sidewalk.
And they had no idea.
They didn't know about the block parties, or the man with the barrel grill who makes jerk chicken on the corner all summer. They didn't know about West Indian Day Parade preparation, when steel drums ring out down Fulton street, melodic and bright. They didn't know about the palpable creative energy of black life, bubbling over. They didn't know about any of these things, because as far as they were concerned, Bed-Stuy was a frightening zoo. A zoo in desperate need of gentrification.
When gentrification is typically discussed, it refers mainly to a turnover in real estate in a particular—usually black—community. Words like, "rebuilding," and "renewal," are dished to describe the process that typically ends in the "removal" or displacement of the current residents of the community.
In the case of Bed-Stuy (and almost every other major city in America) the "removed" are, indeed, black people. That generally defines the process. Nothing new there. The gentrification conversation has been had a million times, and I don't want to even go into the complexities and layers of the phenomena. It's been happening for decades, and I could make assertions about where the onus lies and pontificate about why it occurs, but I'd much rather talk about what the word, gentrify, actually means.
The root word, gentry, according to Merriam-Webster, refers to "the qualities appropriate to a person of gentle birth." And gentle birth refers to civility or elegance. So to "gentry-fy" a community would mean to make it more "civil" which would infer that it was seen as less civil beforehand. And as ridiculous as that is to me, there are several people—those that grimaced ten years ago—now living in Bed-Stuy who did not find it a civil place to live, until recently.
By no means am I saying that their intentions were to come "tame the beasts." No. I don't think that at all. I actually think they've moved to Bed-Stuy because it was one of the last affordable places to live in New York. More bang for your buck ("bang" as in bargain, not gunshot.) But in doing so, Bed-Stuy suddenly has been rebranded as some kind of "hidden gem" in Brooklyn.
Only now has it become a place on people's radars for good reasons, and that isn't because good didn't exist there before. It's because... well... white people didn't exist there before. And white people, in this country, seem to somehow always represent civility. As if the beauty and character that I experienced on that first Sunday morning, the different people, each carrying their own version of cool, each comfortably nestled into the jigsaw history of this neighborhood, each understanding the nuances, codes, and rules of this community, needed civilizing.
Make no mistake about it, the people who have been in this community for decades... decades! have made Bed-Stuy a flavorful stew, comprised of equal parts, ups and downs. Definitely imperfect, it's a neighborhood that prides itself on being fully human. And that's the only kind of "civilized" I need.
To paraphrase Spike Lee from his recent interview at Pratt (yes, that interview), there does tend to be this Christopher Columbus mentality, this glimmer of discovery in the eyes of many of our new neighbors. A blind entitlement that allows them to arrogantly ignore the deep footprints they now nestle their feet into. But we've been here and it's the lack of acknowledgment of that that's problematic. Bed-Stuy doesn't need fixing because Bed-Stuy is not broken or unsteady. It doesn't need to be renewed or rebuilt or even rebranded.
It just needs to be respected.
It's changing quickly, and the truth is, I embrace that change because it is inevitable. But I challenge everyone new to the "hood" to try to hear its heartbeat. Attempt to respectfully learn its rhythm, its language. Let your palette respectfully adjust to its flavor. Appreciate it for what it already is—special and dynamic. Sit on the stoop. Speak to your neighbors. And for God's sake, dance at the block party.
Jason Reynolds is the author of the novel When I Was the Greatest. He currently resides in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn.


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I have a story about a guest who just couldn't sort out his obligations. We'll call him "Jim."
It was the day of the grand opening of a new Chinese restaurant just down the street from where I live, and my husband and I were excited to check it out. We called up Jim a week prior and asked if he wanted to come. I knew Jim was having a bit of trouble financially and had been complaining about being sick and tired of eating nothing but Mac and Cheese, so I figured that taking him out to a Chinese restaurant would be a nice change of pace for him. I even made it explicitly clear that we would be paying for his dinner (even though he doesn't seem to be able to return the same favor to us, but that's a story for another time). The plan was he'd come over, we'd go have dinner at the restaurant, and then come back home to hang out, watch a movie, and play cards.
I called him up the day he was to come over, and he said he'd be over right after work. Jim gets off work at 5pm, so we were expecting him at around 5:30pm. At 6, there's no sign of Jim. We call him, since normally he's very prompt, and he replies "Oh, something came up and I'm running a little late. I'll be there at 7." He refused to tell us exactly what was keeping him, however, which I found odd.
So we continue to wait, and we're starting to get hungry. At 7:15, there's still no sign of Jim. So we call him again. This time he tells us "Sorry guys, I can't make it, I'm moving today and am still packing things up."
What? MOVING? Yes, he was moving into a new apartment that day after work, and instead of telling us that he couldn't make it, he acted like he was still going to be able to come over. He'd known when he was moving for several days (it wasn't something that just "came up"), and never once thought call us and try and reschedule our dinner. He never once said, "Sorry, I forgot when we made plans that I was moving today and I can't make it tonight." No, he acted like he was still coming over, and he made us wait for two hours before he cancelled. I was baffled!
And the icing on the cake? The next day, he calls us and asks if we can bring our truck to help him move his couch! Even if my husband and I weren't both at work that day, we were too upset with him at that time to help him move anything. 1101-08
Comments on this entry are closed.
July 21, 2015, 11:03 am
I know people who have done stuff like that.
It drives me nuts.
It's gotten to a point where we say "We're leaving at _____, and if you're not here by then, we're sorry but you'll have to make your own way to the place"
July 22, 2015, 10:23 am
I do this too, it saves so much frustration.
July 21, 2015, 11:14 am
"so I figured that taking him out to a Chinese restaurant would be a nice change of pace for him. I even made it explicitly clear that we would be paying for his dinner (even though he doesn't seem to be able to return the same favor to us, but that's a story for another time)."
When you're doing something kind for someone, you should never expect the favour in return. You stated that you knew he was having some financial trouble. It sounds like you don't really do things for others out of the kindness of your heart. Your story leaves a bad impression.
July 21, 2015, 11:39 am
I had the same thought.
July 21, 2015, 11:44 am
I don't think the story leaves a bad impression. People don't usually expect the exact favors returned–he could cook for them, or bring over a treat sometime. Some people are givers, and some are takers.
July 21, 2015, 12:38 pm
It sounds as if Jim never reciprocates. That's rude. If you offer hospitality then you are absolutely in your right to look forward to a return invitation. That's how friendship works – it's not just a one-sided contribution, as it sounds as if it is with Jim. What I don't understand is why OP is baffled by Jim's selfish behaviour, as OP is quite aware that he doesn't reciprocate their friendship.
July 21, 2015, 12:30 pm
Jim was definitely rude, but I had the same thought reading it when she wrote that he wouldn't be able to return the favor. The OP makes the invite sound more like charity and expecting Jim to be overcome with gratitude than an honest desire for his company at dinner.
All that said, once it was clear (like 4:30 or so) that Jim was not going to finish his moving plans in time for dinner, he should have cancelled so the OP wasn't waiting on him. Sounds like he wasn't ready to forgo his free dinner but just couldn't get finished in time.
July 21, 2015, 6:32 pm
I completely agree with your second paragraph. Sounds like Jim was still angling for the dinner even on the day of, and completely failed at etiquette when he continued to promise he'd show when it was plainly obvious he wasn't going to finish on time.
My husband has occasionally faced similar misjudgments of how long it can take to move. In our church, it's a common occurrence that people will help each other move in and out of an area, usually by loading/unloading the truck. My husband showed up to one such move (truck-loading) with a bunch of other guys, only to discover that the owner hadn't even started packing boxes yet. They did what they could, but what should've been a simple 2-hour-at-most truck-loading turned into 5+ hours of moving what they could while one member of the family moving slowly packed boxes and the other two sat around snacking and watching. I will say that family was lucky they were moving away, because if I had seen them again I might have had some angry words for them over the whole thing.
July 22, 2015, 12:51 pm
Friends that needed to disappear and reappear type moving (last day for old place, and first day for new place MEET not overlap ad midnight) and they could afford the moving van for one day. They were not packed and all she could do is run around and boss everyone, so finally when I told her to wash up the dishes so they could get packed, went and powerpacked their bedroom (bed was unmade and not stripped status, etc) and came out to find she hadn't touched the dishes so I packed them dirty (she complained bitterly about that one for some time after)… we busted rears all day and got over to the new place, to have her order 1 medium two topping pizza and 2 2liter bottles of soda to feed 7 people (including her and her SO). That was our "reward" for a full day of slaving, and she had no problem grabbing the first slice and the last one. She couldn't understand it when the rest of us left after that, and left them to get that truck empty by 8 am by themselves. (Yes at least he had the sense to be massively embarrassed by all her shenanigans that day, we might have gotten more done with her not having been there).
October 21, 2015, 12:38 pm
Just pointing out that *he* hadn't packed, washed dishes or the bedclothes. So his "sense of massive embarrassment" would appear to be grounded in the fact that a woman hadn't taken on and completed his work as well as her own. Funny how some people just can't seem to get it together enough to do ALL THE WORK. (For "people" read "wimmenz".) But at least he gets a pass for such laziness and privilege from Polite Society, because Patriarchy.
July 21, 2015, 1:35 pm
I figured that the impression was that he always takes, but never gives. So even in good times, they foot the bill, not him.
July 21, 2015, 2:18 pm
This also rubbed me the wrong way. I still think his behavior was worse, but none of them come out smelling like roses in this story.
Why would you expect someone who can barely afford decent food for himself to pay for your dinner, even if it is in return for something? And doing something nice for someone stops being a kindness when you start comparing and calculating. Why do these people even socialize?
July 21, 2015, 5:35 pm
Agreed. That comment was snarky and unnecessary to the story. OP came off poorly here.
July 21, 2015, 6:24 pm
I had the same exact thought.
July 22, 2015, 3:29 am
Friendship should be a two way thing. I got fed up with a friend who would spend all her money on drinks and never save enough for her share of the taxi on the night back. So I made a point of going home earlier when I was tired anyway. Another friend she drives, I don't; so when we get a taxi I don't mind paying as she has given me plenty of lifts in her car.
Personally if I was in OP's position and Jim had a habit of "take take take" even in good times – but saying that even in bad times it's important not to take the pee – I would not have offered to treat him to a meal even during his "poor" time.
July 21, 2015, 11:40 pm
It didn't leave me with a bad impression. I think that for friendships or relationships to work, there needs to be balance. If one person is always doing the helping, paying, driving, and the other person never reciprocates, it just doesn't work.
July 22, 2015, 10:31 am
I think you are reading too much into this statement. As someone else said this likely is more a statement that Jim is a takes plenty but gives little back.
In my relationships I expect give and take. It doesn't have to balance or anything, but if it is always a one street… well I probably will back away some.
July 22, 2015, 12:02 pm
Agreed, I didn't like the tone from the start.
July 21, 2015, 11:20 am
There a saying that goes something like "No good deed goes unpunished"
Jim was rude and inconsiderate! I would not invite him again for anything. However I think I would have given strong thought to telling him you would be glad to help him with his couch and then not showing up. I wonder how he would have felt being on the other side.
July 21, 2015, 11:31 am
The op never stated or even gave the impression that she or her husband offered to help move the couch.
July 21, 2015, 11:49 am
MyWorldtwo is suggesting that OP should've tried to get back at Jim by saying they would help with the couch and then blowing him off. Not a nice suggestion.
July 24, 2015, 7:57 am
Yes, I misunderstood.
July 21, 2015, 6:28 pm
Are you kidding me? You are actually suggesting they say "Sure we can help you move!" and then not show up. Not only would that have possibly cost him money in regards to having to hire a truck last minute or pay someone to come move it, but he could be facing a deadline for moving out and if he was there even 1 extra day he could have been charged for an entire month's rent for that one day. I know that here that has happened to people I know. They go 2 days over their move out date and have to pay the entire month's rent.
Him missing dinner didn't cost them anything. It's not like they prepaid for his meal and then he was a no show. If his move is anything like ours have been in the past he may have thought he'd be able to take a break for dinner. I know that we've done that, taken a 2 hour break from packing and loading to rest and eat. For all you know he had help and they didn't show up or left early so he was stuck doing it all alone suddenly.
I am guessing that the OP thinks she is closer than she is to Jim since he didn't even tell them he was moving. You would think that if they were close he would have been discussing it with them.
July 22, 2015, 3:35 am
I agree with the first part of your post that offering to help Jim and then not showing up would be mean if he could be charged a whole month's rent.
However Jim was rude and unfair in standing them up. It does not matter how close or "far" you are from someone you do NOT stand people up: you may not want to say why you can't make it but you always contact the people you are meant to meet and apologise as soon as possible. Jim lied – he said he was held up at work and said he would make it then said a little later he couldn't make it. If he had been straight from the start that he couldn't make it there wouldn't be an issue.
July 22, 2015, 8:14 am
I agree, Ergala, that MyWorldtwo's suggestion is outrageous, and such a response would be petty and grossly more inconvenient to Jim than the OP's were inconvenienced when Jim stood them up. However, I object to the statement that his missing dinner didn't cost them anything. Jim cost the OP and her husband time and comfort — delaying their meal, and waiting around on the edge of their seats. That's a cost, if not a financial one. Money isn't the only or even the most important consideration in this discussion.
July 24, 2015, 4:08 pm
The op and her spouse chose to wait that long to order. I know that if I am waiting more than 15 minutes I order. I find it more rude to sit at a table without ordering even if you are waiting, you have no control over the actions of others, only yourself.
July 26, 2015, 12:16 pm
They didn't wait that long to order – they weren't even at the restaurant yet. At least that's my understanding, since OP said Jim was supposed to come to their house and they would all go to the restaurant together. Having said that – unless it was an EXTREMELY close friend (which doesn't seem to be the case here) who had a specific and legitimate reason for being late, there's no way I would wait two hours for someone to show up. After the first call, when he said he wouldn't be available for another hour, I would have said, "Well, it's a weeknight and we don't want to be out late – so we're going to the restaurant and you can meet us there." And I would have ordered as soon as I got there.
July 27, 2015, 7:30 am
Exactly LadyV. I know that if I have to wait for longer than 30 minutes for someone to show up before we leave for our destination I'm going to to leave. I'll call them and if I can't get a hold of them I'll leave a note on the door. If I am already at that establishment 15 minutes is tops. I don't want to be "that" customer that sits there at a table without ordering until their guests arrive. Not only is it that just kind of odd but it's also rude to the waitstaff whom rely on tables turning for more tips.
July 22, 2015, 12:12 pm
I think Myworldtwo was just being cheeky; I don't think it was a real suggestion.
July 22, 2015, 1:46 pm
Interesting…you are awfully verbose about everything Jim would hypothetically have had to suffer if his friends had pulled the same stunt that seems to be routine for him. OP has made it very clear that it's not a one-off incident. I say it would have served him right even though I do believe the person originally making the suggestion was not serious and was being ironic and funny! Sometimes the only way to teach people that certain behaviours are unacceptable is to force them to suffer the same thing to which they subject other people. Luckily, most of us are decent and would not actually consider this option except in jest.
>> Him missing dinner didn't cost them anything.
My turn to ask if you're "kidding me". So in your opinion, it is okay to abuse your friends as long as it does not cost any money?
Are you in a bad mood today or something? 😛 Because normally I find myself agreeing with you but today your post defies logic and I'm speechless 😛 😛 :P. What does how close the OP is to Jim have to do with the fact that he blew them off, didn't tell them until 2 hours past his ETA that he would be blowing them off, offered no sincere apology or explanation and then had the gall to call the next day and ask for help?
July 24, 2015, 4:11 pm
Not in a bad mood. Just have had this happen to me on both sides. When it happened to me I simply said forget about it and went on with life. I've also had to cancel plans last minute and the friend held it against me for a long time.
As for paying for him all the time…for heavens sake just stop paying! I make it very clear that I am not paying for others in a tactful way. If I am paying I volunteer to and without expecting to be treated back. If I were to tally up how many times I have paid for people and the favor not returned I'd be counting hundreds of dollars. Toss in giving rides without gas compensation or babysitting without them reciprocating for us. I offer and I don't expect anything back. If I did I'd state that from the get go instead of stewing about it.
July 21, 2015, 11:43 am
There are some people who so want to avoid disappointing people that they make wrong choices and end up angering the very ones they didn't want to disappoint.
One time, I ran a volunteer project and there was one person who signed up to take a key role. Over time, it was clear she wasn't pulling her weight. I talked with her about it and she promised to step up and get the job done. She didn't, so we had another discussion. Lather, rinse, repeat. She was still not doing the work. As time went by, the work piled up. After the project reached "critical mass" and she was doing nothing different, I replaced her with another volunteer who finished up the job in a timely manner. As it turns out, the first volunteer had over-committed her schedule and was having some health problems. In her attempt to be a people pleaser, she avoided the right answer (to resign her post or at least ask for help) in a mistaken attempt to avoid disappointing the group. The result, of course, was actually worse in that she greatly angered several other volunteers and damaged her own reputation.
It's possible that Jim has this same mindset. Or, he's just plain an inconsiderate and selfish person. Either way, unless he sincerely apologizes for his poor behavior, I'd probably do a "friendship fade" from his life.
July 21, 2015, 12:41 pm
This sounds very familiar as I am helping a lot with a volunteer charity project right now. We've had that same issue with our publicity person to the point where the charity head finally "fired" (I use quotes since we're all unpaid volunteers) her. And getting others in this large group to step up and help more than they have is like pulling teeth. I'm dreading our next event as I know it will end up with only a few of us doing all of the work, ugh.
July 21, 2015, 4:56 pm
"There are some people who so want to avoid disappointing people that they make wrong choices" — Yeah, struck a major chord with me.
A couple months ago, I had a commission to knit up a sweater for an acquaintance before she left on vacation. I knew a week before she was going to leave I wasn't going to have it finished on time. But I was sooooooooooo not ready to disappoint her that I lied to myself. I thought, "I can just sit down and get this done." And I really believed it…or at least, I wanted to. But it was impossible. Finally, I told her the truth about a day before she was going to leave.
And yes, she was disappointed, but the real problem was that I left it so late she didn't have time to go out and buy a different sweater! I made the whole thing much worse because I couldn't face the music. Bad girl. E-hell for me.
July 22, 2015, 10:40 am
Step 1: Admit you have a problem…. 🙂
July 21, 2015, 11:47 am
Jim is not a friend, Jim is a "me" person. If it were me I wouldn't give Jim another thought. And I definitely wouldn't help him out with anything!
July 21, 2015, 11:48 am
Strange dude. I'd leave him to enjoy his mac & cheese in his new apartment.
July 21, 2015, 3:01 pm
Yup. So would I.
July 21, 2015, 3:39 pm
Funny about that! Jim can afford to move into a new apartment, but can't afford anything else but Mac & Cheese to eat!!
I wouldn't blow Jim off, but I wouldn't be so generous to him in the future.
July 21, 2015, 7:00 pm
That actually doesn't sound so strange to me. Maybe he could afford decent food specifically _because_ he had to save up so he could move. Maybe the move was really urgent. Maybe he moved from a bigger place into something more affordable.
His stalling and late cancelling was rude, but the fact that he moved and couldn't afford good food has nothing to do with etiquette per se.
July 21, 2015, 7:03 pm
That was supposed to say "could *not* afford decent food" in the second sentence. Sorry for the confusing typo.
July 21, 2015, 8:06 pm
Although he could have been downsizing, to an apartment with cheaper rent.
July 21, 2015, 8:52 pm
Moving is really expensive. Boxes alone are a major expense not to forget the actual cost of renting a new place (brokers fee, security deposit, etc).
July 21, 2015, 11:45 pm
There are ways around that. I have moved more times than I care to count in the past few years and I have never paid a cent for boxes- you can save them up pretty easily if you anticipate the move, or find them for free if you ask around. If Jim is moving in with friends or into a friend's rental property, or even back with his parents, he wouldn't need to worry about all the fees and might save a lot of money in the long run. It's not fair to assume he's being financially careless by moving, and it doesn't have anything to do with the etiquette issue at hand, anyway.
July 22, 2015, 4:15 am
I've moved five times in my adult life. I've never paid for a box. We've always gotten them free at grocery stores. Depending on where you live, if you are renting, no brokers fees either. I'm guessing he was downsizing to a smaller apartment with smaller rent.
July 22, 2015, 6:58 am
Actually, moving can be done really cheaply. All it takes is friends (that you aren't just using). If you've got someone like us that has a ton of plastic bins and empty diaper boxes and a truck to haul, then you don't need to buy or rent anything. I've never had to pay a brokers fee that I know of (I've never even heard of a brokers fee) and hopefully you get back the security deposit from the 1st apartment and then can cover your new apartment.
July 22, 2015, 8:23 am
The last time I moved was from an apartment to a house just a few miles away.
I packed everything in those reusable canvas shopping bags and made several trips simply because I didn't have the money to buy a bunch of boxes. Even when you are really broke, you will find ways to get things done.
Heck, I had a friend who literally just shoved her clothes, linens, dishes, computer, and cats into her car after a bad break up. She was super broke and in order to get out, she left everything else behind. She couch surfed for about 18 months with various friends before she could save up first and last on a new place of her own.
It's impossible without more information to know the reasons behind to move or the resources he was using to get it done.
July 22, 2015, 8:56 am
Maybe where you are MM2 but I've never paid for moving boxes and I've never paid broker fees. Usually just a security deposit and first month's rent. The most expensive part for us was the truck typically after the security deposit. Not to mention a lot of people will scrimp and save before a move so that they CAN afford to do it. I'd rather live off mac and cheese for 3 months and be able to move into a more affordable place than constantly be under water in an apartment I couldn't afford.
July 23, 2015, 9:04 am
I just wanted to throw out there that eating cheaply and moving were not mutually exclusive. I don't know Jim's life. But in my experience finding free boxes proved difficult because I moved from a college town. I didn't pay much for boxes but I still had to get some.
July 23, 2015, 9:53 pm
This is a really weird, judgmental comment–as if it's somehow hypocritical or reprehensible for someone to move while poor. If he's budgeting for a better place by cutting back on his food expenses, how is that anyone's business but his, and how does it have anything to do with his rudeness in failing to cancel his plans with OP in a timely way? And, as others have pointed out, he could be moving in order to save money–whether by reducing his rent, his utility costs, his commute, or all three.
July 21, 2015, 11:49 am
I don't have a comment as much as an observation…
even though he doesn't seem to be able to return the same favor to us, but that's a story for another time).
That just seems really bitchy to me, when you just said you invited him because of his financial problems.
July 21, 2015, 1:26 pm
That struck me as odd as well but I didn't want to mention it til someone else did.
July 21, 2015, 2:33 pm
I'm willing to give the OP the benefit of the doubt until we know the rest… for all we know, the "story for another time" is that Jim is happy to let others buy his meals when he's broke, but is stingy when he's the one who has money.
July 21, 2015, 3:38 pm
Exactly! Why was there anything added in parentheses to begin with? It was quite clear from the description that he wouldn't be able to reciprocate, so what, exactly, needs brought up at another time?
It starts out sweet. Couple knows friend is having rough time so offers to take him out to eat. The added bit has nothing to do with the story, so why was it included at all? All it did was make the OP look almost petty, instead of endearing.
July 21, 2015, 4:15 pm
Actually, I don't think the OP saw Jim as a charity case–I think she and her husband legitimately wanted to see Jim (otherwise, why would they have invited him for dinner AND a movie and cards?), and the restaurant opening just happened to align with a lean time in Jim's life. OP and Mr. OP were planning on going out for Chinese food anyway, at the new restaurant, so they invited Jim. They probably would have done so even if he'd been fine financially, although they might not have offered to pay for his meal. So, I think Jim was the rude one here; not the OP or her husband.
July 21, 2015, 4:43 pm
This might be more a comment on his general behavior. I have friends that if they lost their job and I wanted to treat them to dinner I would do so, but right now they are working, and I have treated them to many meals and drinks at my house, and they have never invited me past their doorstep.
I think it was phrased poorly to put it in there, but I am thinking Jim is someone who is always willing to get a free meal on the OP but never offer to do something nice for them.
July 21, 2015, 12:58 pm
I have no clue as to Jim's past history; I do know that there are those who are takers, but who are not givers.
I had a cousin from whom I had heard nothing for over ten years. She called me out of the blue wanting to stay with me as her daughter was coming down to my area for a beauty pageant and staying in a hotel, but Mom needed to stay with me as she was short of funds.
I took her shopping, out to eat, and bought her things. The pageant ended and I never heard from her again. I never got so much as a bread and butter note.
July 21, 2015, 1:09 pm
I've had a few struggles with friends about this over the years, too. For instance, there was the one friend who thought I was being rude and controlling to her for expecting her to honor the plans that we made together. She would constantly either show up or not show up, or show up really late, depending on what her mood was. And she saw absolutely nothing at all wrong with doing this to me, because she should be able to decide on her own without me "controlling" her was her excuse. Another friend constantly hemmed and hawed every time I invited her to a social event like going to the movies or out to dinner or similar. She would tell me she didn't know if she could or not and then list all the reasons why and would keep this up for days leading up to the event. It drove me crazy. Thankfully, I'm no longer friends with either of these friend duds anymore.
July 21, 2015, 10:34 pm
Sounds like that first friend is the one with control issues, not you. She obviously wanted to be in charge and let you know it in a very dramatic fashion.
July 22, 2015, 5:48 am
good for you for cutting those friends out.
July 21, 2015, 1:13 pm
Ages aren't mentioned but if Jim is a young guy, under 25 or so, I'd let it go. When I was young I would not have thought going out for Chinese food was a big deal either. And furthermore, I would be a little apprehensive if a couple had made it "explicitly clear" they would be treating because I was broke. I would feel a little like a third wheel, now obligated to hang out with them at their house all night, and be an audience to their prosperous couple-dom.
I don't know, it just sounds to me like Jim doesn't really need the free Chinese food, and I don't think he's a bad guy for it. What he really needs is someone to help him move his couch.
July 21, 2015, 11:09 pm
I think you might be missing the point a little bit here. The fact is it is still rude to keep on telling the OP that he will come when it was probably pretty obvious to him that he wouldn't. Not the fact that he might not be that interested in Chinese food or being around prosperous couple-dom.
He IS the bad guy for stringing them along and keeping them waiting however he might've felt about the initial invitation.
July 23, 2015, 9:16 pm
I'm not missing the point at all, simply giving my point of view.
July 22, 2015, 3:39 am
I knew for the age of 12 that is rude to stand people up.
July 23, 2015, 9:17 pm
Good for you, but some people don't. My point is that Jim seems stressed, he's broke, he's moving, maybe a little slack is called for here.
July 22, 2015, 7:01 am
Then Jim should have put on his big boy pants and said no to the invitation. If you don't want to do an activity, you say something, not just delay until it's too late for everyone. And then turn around and ask for a favor?
July 23, 2015, 9:18 pm
Yes he should have but he's going through a rough patch. If he were my friend I would be a tad more empathetic.
July 22, 2015, 7:36 am
At what point is an invitation enough of a "big deal" that you should actually honor your acceptance of it? Is Italian food more important than Chinese? Or French? If they'd invited him to a French restaurant, and he never canceled or showed up, would *that* be rude enough to comment on?
July 23, 2015, 9:19 pm
July 22, 2015, 8:18 am
And he's not a bad guy for it — agreed. But he IS the "bad guy" here for not communicating that to his hosts.
July 23, 2015, 9:19 pm
I agree.
July 21, 2015, 1:36 pm
This is a major pet peeve of mine, it's worse than people who just flake out. The flakes usually 'forget' they have plans and when you call the check on their eta tell you straight away. Its annoying, but at least then you can still make the show/reservation/event. The postponer potentially ruins the evening for everyone because you miss the opening act, lose your reservation, or get stuck holding an extra ticket. I recently decided a 'friend' of mine would be better as an acquaintance for this exact reason.
July 21, 2015, 2:00 pm
I wouldn't be happy waiting around for someone. Inviting a person for anything should have a specific start and end time, so "we'd love to treat you to dinner at the new Chinese restaurant on (insert day/ date) at (insert time)." If he's more than 20 minutes late- leave. No drama, no hunger and no regrets. And you get to avoid dealing with their inconsiderate or scattered habits in future.. just don't invite them for anything other than "drop-in/ large group" functions, if you even want to keep contact…
July 23, 2015, 9:22 pm
A few things. The return the favor to us comment rubbed me the wrong way. It sounds like OP is absolutely counting favors, which is not what a dinner invite is. I get that I guess you are trying to be helpful, but maybe just having him drop by for a slice of pizza would have been easier for you to forgive and him to not repay?
Second, yes, Jim was rude. But it also sounds like Jim might really be going through it. If he's moving out of his apartment and living on Mac & Cheese, did he get evicted? Was this a quick move? Is his life falling apart and as his friends it sounds more like you are worried about moo shu pork? Is this something Jim frequently does? Is it out of character? Was he fired, hence the move and mac and cheese and not going to work but moving instead?
I guess what I'm saying is, if this guy really is this flaky, and does this sort of thing all the time, why is he your friend? And if he isn't that type of guy, and it's a one time thing- Why are you being so hard on him when it looks like his life is falling apart?
Something just feels weird about this submission OP. I have a lot of questions.
July 22, 2015, 1:58 am
I was having a lot of same questions. The fact that he did not tell about his move sounded to me as if he might be bit … ashamed of it? Maybe that's not right word, but usually when people find better or nicer apartment and move there, they talk about that in good time, telling how lucky they were. If their landlord terminates their contract for unknown reasons, they complain about that and usually are open about their hunt for new home. But then people who need to downsize because of financial troubles. Well, that is often seen as failure (in their own minds at least) and generally it's not the first topic to be brought up.
So it does sound for me that he might be going through some quite rough financial times. Of course this is pure speculation. But I agree with you, if this was one time occurence, I'd rather approach this with "Is there something really difficult going in your life and do you need help?" rather than being all judgy. If he is always like this… well, that's different.
July 23, 2015, 10:11 pm
Totally agree with you both, Lindsay and Ulla.
July 22, 2015, 1:26 pm
July 21, 2015, 2:17 pm
How frustrating and rude! Does "Jim" do this kind of thing often? If no, I'd let it slide, just this once, since moving is crazy stressful and nothing ever goes as planned. However, if this is a regular occurrence, I would stop inviting him and if he asks, tell him the truth- "Jim" you often postpone and end up cancelling plans with us so we have chosen to not invite you as often.
I have to agree that you stating you invited him because was having financial trouble and then saying he doesn't seem to be able to return the same favor to you cast some doubt on your generosity. If he's having financial trouble and can only afford mac-n-cheese, how do you expect him to be able to take you and husband out to eat? I would hope once he gets in a better financial situation, he would reciprocate in some way.
July 21, 2015, 2:32 pm
even though he doesn't seem to be able to return the same favor to us, but that's a story for another time).
I took this that the OP realizes that Jim is a "taker" not a "giver"
Any way you look at it, Jim was rude beyond rude and I doubt I'd be inviting him any where else again.
July 21, 2015, 3:00 pm
I have more than one friend who has done this sort of thing. Some people just don't get. They just don't know how inconsiderate and rude their behavior is–they think the world is as nonchalant as they are. They also seem to think they are being less trouble by NOT showing up… au contraire….
July 21, 2015, 4:54 pm
I didn't read OP's story as saying that she expected favors back from Jim in return for dinner. To me she was saying Jim happily accepted the favor of their offer of dinner and actually requested the favor of help during moving, but can't be bothered to so much as let them know he can't make it to a dinner for which he is the honored guest. Jim's lack of returning the favors she mentions could have meant that Jim's never been around when OP and spouse have needed something like help getting a couch in the house, but they were always willing to help him anyways, until this current rudeness. That's how I read it; maybe I'm wrong, but that was my first thought.
And Jim is sure rude. I hate it when people pull that stunt!
July 21, 2015, 6:33 pm
Does anyone else find it kind of odd that the OP thinks that Jim is a close friend yet had no idea he was moving? Moving is kind of a big deal. I have a feeling Jim has been distancing himself for awhile and the OP is now figuring that out. Her remark about treating him to dinner and him never offering to do the same kind of makes me wonder if she isn't very covert about her disdain for that fact. If a friend kept on treating me to dinner knowing I really had no money I'd feel pretty weird. If she was dropping hints about wanting me to take her out when she knew I was flat broke I'd be distancing myself quickly, I don't want to be someone's charity case.
July 22, 2015, 5:53 am
I don't think accepting someone's kindness isn't being a charity case. I'm sure OP had the best intentions in inviting Jim out.
Jim could have a few reasons for not talking about the move–maybe it happened quickly? maybe he just didn't think to bring it up?
July 22, 2015, 5:53 am
sorry, take out the "don't" in the above reply!
July 22, 2015, 8:21 am
I don't see anywhere that the OP describes him as a close friend — am I missing something?
July 24, 2015, 4:14 pm
Not sure about you but I do t pay constantly for people whom are acquaintances. Usually that is reserved for close friends. Especially if they knew his financial situation and what he is eating daily.
July 22, 2015, 8:40 am
I did. I'm not going to make any guesses as to what more there is to the story, but there's definitely more. Otherwise Jim would've said "ah no I cannot make it, it's my moving night". Or even more likely, they would've already known it was his moving night.
July 21, 2015, 6:44 pm
Find another real life friend because this person isn't your friend. Never extend him another invitation to anything again because people like this just are not worth the trouble and aggravation they leave in their wake.
July 21, 2015, 8:39 pm
Jim sounds like he's embarrassed or even humiliated by his financial troubles, and is trying to keep it out of the public eye. I suspect his move might have been driven by said troubles (he only knew he was moving for a few days?) and my guess is that the "something" that "came up" was an issue that prevented his being able to move without mentioning it, not the move itself. Add to that the air of your comment about his not being able to reciprocate and I can see why he'd avoid mentioning the move.
July 22, 2015, 12:41 pm
This was my thought, too. Clearly he was going through a difficult time, and through the stress and possible unexpected things regarding his move, he acted inconsiderately towards you. Unless this is a pattern of behavior, I'd be inclined to treat it as a one-off prompted by stress.
July 21, 2015, 9:02 pm
I think Jim is a person who doesn't want to "disappoint" anyone by canceling. I read an article once that said most people who are late/flaky are not malicious; they just over extend themselves. And then they feel bad. So they don't ever outright cancel but keep people hanging. Yes, Jim is rude. But I think if OP explains to Jim that he could have handled this better, perhaps he'll so some emotional growing.
Also re: OP's comment about Jim returning the favor. I took it to mean that Jim is happy to accept favors when he needs them but is not quick to offer when he isn't. It can be taxing even on the most selfless
July 22, 2015, 12:11 am
Jim was rude; I don't know why there's even a question about it. Someone offers to take you out for dinner, you either accept or decline, but if you accept, you show up. Obviously his afternoon/evening didn't go according to plan somehow, but how hard would it be to call up and say, "Hey…..sorry guys, I'm in the middle of a move and I thought I'd be done by now, but things got delayed. I might be another hour, but to be honest, I am not sure, so if you guys want to go ahead, please don't wait for me. Thanks again for your kind offer but it's not looking like I'm going to be done in time here."
July 27, 2015, 12:17 pm
Thank you for this.
July 22, 2015, 6:44 am
I may be the odd person out here, but i have treated friends to dinner in the past with no expectation of being paid back for the meal. But these are not fly-by-night people I do not know well. These are very close friends who I probably did not go out with for a while because money was tight. So I let them know I want to be paid back with their company. I also know some people are accountants: calculating what is given to them and taken from them so that they don't owe anyone anything, and they would not be comfortable with my paying for dinner. In that case, I scale it back: coffee, a drink, ice cream.
July 22, 2015, 7:58 am
Jim sounds weird. Who plans to move after work on an evening and thinks that he'll have it finished in time to go to dinner? So his work day ends at 5 pm – and he thought it was gonna take a minute or two to move? Huh? He is either a complete idiot or didn't want to turn down the invitation.
I don't think it is weird that the OP didn't know he was moving but I do think it odd that Jim never mentioned it. Jim could just be a total flake in that he doesn't think if he commits to something he needs to honor it. In a nutshell, Jim was rude. Yes, rude. He should have just said, Hey thanks for the invite but I'm moving. I can't make it.
As for the OP's comment about Jim not reciprocating. Hey, I get that and it stinks. Some people just can't do it – and I am always left with the feeling like, "hey ?! what's wrong with us?" I know of several couples that no matter how many times my husband and I have hosted we don't ever get a return invitation. I'm saying – it's really rare. I'm not even thinking a reciprocal invite is that they have to cook us dinner or put on a party and invite us – I'm thinking, you are going out and perhaps would like us to join. After awhile it gets old and I get to wondering if we are really even friends. A couple we have repeatedly socialized with have never invited us over. I casually asked a friend of mine what she did on Friday. She said, "Oh Staci & Sam asked us over for dinner." I see. I literally may have been in Staci and Sam's house just one time.
July 22, 2015, 2:46 pm
I am wondering if Jim's move came up rather suddenly- if he was possibly being evicted or moving out quickly because he couldn't afford the next month's rent.
It's possible Jim took time off work, either the day or the afternoon, and figured he had until 5, and if it went a little over, he could just give the impression he was hung up at work. However, he must have massively underestimated how long it would take but was hoping to be done in time to still get a free meal. He was rude, no doubt, but it might have stemmed from embarrassment over his situation.
July 23, 2015, 10:21 pm
I agree abby. To me it sounds like he's super stressed about his money woes and in a tizzy because of it. It's hard for people to understand if they've never been through it, but money problems are overwhelming; it's hard to think clearly when you don't know if you'll be homeless tomorrow. So sometimes the niceties in life like Chinese food with friends have to take a way, way back seat.
IMO the truly gracious person would try to understand that and help him move his couch.
July 27, 2015, 12:19 pm
I have been super stressed for years. I deal with it. Life is stress. I still honor my commitments.
July 27, 2015, 5:27 pm
So do I.
July 22, 2015, 4:52 pm
I think we have the same friends. I'm constantly seeing posts on facebook for events that I have been excluded from. I've stopped inviting certain people to my things knowing that it will never be reciprocated. Why should I go to the effort of organising something for people who don't care about me enough to return the favour occasionally. I don't expect to be invited to everything how about just some things some times?
July 22, 2015, 8:10 am
No etiquette heroes here.
July 23, 2015, 10:22 pm
Best & most diplomatic comment of the thread!!
July 22, 2015, 8:52 am
We know a couple who is notorious for this sort of thing. We'd asked them to be our matron of honour and best man, and we arranged for the guys to meet at 2:00 p.m. on a Saturday to go pick out tuxes. 2:00 came and went with no sign of them. They finally rolled up to our house at 3:30. Turns out that the husband had found an old episode of "Star Trek" that he just HAD to watch for the billionth time. The kicker was that the episode started at 1:30 p.m., and their house was an hour drive from ours. So, even if they'd skipped watching the show, they STILL would have been late!
July 22, 2015, 11:38 am
I had a friend once who liked to make plans only to cancel at the last minute (or later) for odd reasons. She once ditched my house-warming party to hang out with another friend whom she "never got to spend time with" (I hadn't seen her in months), and she ditched me that time her boyfriend's car broke down (it was already safely in the shop. She just didn't want him to be "all by himself at home.")
We live an hour away, and I eventually figured out that I was only seeing her around her birthday and Christmas – and although price isn't such a big deal, it became painfully obvious to me that I was spending a lot more time and thought on her presents than she was on mine. She was late even to those meetings.
She is no longer a friend. I'm not angry with her or anything. I simply don't have time to spend on someone who doesn't appreciate what I have to give. I am happier for it.
I recommend that OP take these things into consideration when deciding how she wants to go forward in her friendship with Jim.
July 22, 2015, 12:36 pm
Everyone in the story needs a spine. Maybe Jim really did think he could get the move done before dinner, and/or was embarrassed about financial troubles that quite possibly forced him to move to a place he would have been ashamed to show his friends. But yes, he should have stood up straight at 5:30, realized he couldn't make it, and owned up to that.
But what about the OP? Oh, poor you, waiting for your friend, because that was the "only" thing to do? No. If you call the friend at 5:45 and he gives you a flaky response, you tell him, well, we'll meet you at the restaurant, then. I can't stand people who turn themselves into victims over situations that can be handled firmly without being rude.
July 23, 2015, 10:33 pm
applause for this response Cora!
July 22, 2015, 12:55 pm
I think the only main issue is that Jim was invited to eat, and shouldn't have kept the others waiting for some hours while he tried to snag both A and B (moving finishing and getting a free meal).
I think Jim should have leveled with the truth early on and thus allowed the OP to change plans for that future event, even maybe that the OP might have helped (not obligated but) in the run up on the moving stuff so Jim could have hit schedule target and been able to attend with them.
July 22, 2015, 2:05 pm
People seem to be dwelling on the "he doesn't seem able to return the favor" bit. I'm pretty sure OP didn't expect a tit-for-tat, "I buy your dinner, you buy mine" arrangement, especially since she brought up the fact that Jim is low on funds at the moment. Maybe I'm giving OP too much benefit of the doubt but what I read was general frustration about a relationship that is no longer (or never was) reciprocal. Friendships are supposed to be about give-and-take so the expectation is that you do nice things for each other is not unreasonable. It doesn't always have to be about money but you can only give unselfishly for so long before it begins to rankle.
July 22, 2015, 2:09 pm
I agree with those who consider friendship a two-way street. I don't think the OP is wrong to consider Jim a sort of one-way friend. Even if he doesn't take them out or whatever, he can still be considerate and do something in return once in a while.
Jim sounds pretty flaky and a bit of a user to me. I've had acquaintances like this and have always ended up dropping them. It's annoying to feel used. I also think Jim should have been up-front about his plans from the start. Not doing so tells me he's self-centered and not very interested in treating people well.
I also reserve a special place in e-hell for people who are invited someplace and either bail at the last minute or hee-haw around until the last minute to say yes or no. It's rude. I allow for a couple of times of doing that, then I'm done. Not worth the aggravation. I understand that some people have a different way of socializing than I do – they wait until the last minute and see what their choices are, then pick the best one. Fine, but don't expect me to invite them again.
July 22, 2015, 7:54 pm
Jim is a thoughtless jerk. But the OP should have said when he didn't show up by 6, maybe we can reschedule for another time–seems like you're busy. I wouldn't have waited more than an hour for him. I also wouldn't invite him out again.
The thing that bugged me the most about this submission is that Jim not only blows off the OP but expects them to help him MOVE the next day. Seriously you are an adult. HIRE MOVERS.
July 23, 2015, 8:47 pm
People need to cut persons like this out of their lives by the time they are 30.
No excuse putting up with this nonsense as you get older.
July 24, 2015, 7:51 am
I co-hosted a cocktail party last week. My home was the meeting place, and my friend was responsible for bringing the food. However, on the day of the party, my friend hit a happy hour. Two hours into the cocktail party, she was still a no-show, and attempts to reach her by phone were unsuccessful. Thankfully, my husband put together a generous cheese plate in place of her expected dishes, but we were worried about our friend. She finally responded by text as the party was ending, explaining that she had gotten really drunk at happy hour and had passed out at home. I was happy to hear she was okay, but made it clear that I was disappointed. From now on, I will plan events on the "interesting assumption" she will miss them.
July 27, 2015, 4:13 pm
My husband has an aunt who is bit of a flake. We were all having a family get together at my mother-in-law's (the aunt is her sister-in-law) and the aunt was responsible for bringing the wine. On the way to the party, we were about to pass a liquor store, and I asked my husband to stop so we could grab some wine just in case. Well, the aunt and her adult children no-shows, and let me tell you – the other guests were happy that we brought the wine! At some point near the end of the get-together, someone finally got her on the phone and her excuse was that her brother ended up in the hospital – although it was nothing serious. She never bothered to call to say she couldn't make it, and her daughters didn't bother showing up either. I think the 'brother' excuse was BS, and it's so rude to blow off a party after agreeing to bring something important. Like the wine – or in your friend's case, THE FOOD!!
July 24, 2015, 7:12 pm
Don't be surprised if in the near future, Jim calls and reminds you that you still owe him a dinner.
July 27, 2015, 12:22 pm
I am frankly astounded by the posters here defending Jim. I have moved plenty of times, been short on money, all of the stresses that some of you are desperately trying to justify his behavior with. I have NEVER left people hanging like that. I understand the op's comment about it not being reciprocated, too. I have a family member who has no problem taking but can't give. She's also a notorious flake. I have removed her from my life. It's not worth the drama.
July 28, 2015, 12:14 am
So it's personal for you and that's understandable. And IMO you did the right thing by removing someone from your life whose behavior is intolerable to you.
I think though, in the context of writing into an etiquette advice blog, an OP may be questioning his/her reaction to a particular situation and so is looking for other points of view. And that is often what is offered here; not justification, defense or condemnation necessarily, but perhaps just a different angle from which to observe the situation.
Next post: Vintage Etiquette – Developing Self-Reliance (1951)
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Research shows that handwriting practice isn't just a useless task your teachers concocted to annoy you — it could actually make kids smarter.
According to Health Key, researchers found that kids who practice writing letters develop better recognition skills than those who just practice seeing and saying them. Handwriting practice also produces different brain activation patterns than verbal repetition, more similar to patterns seen in adults. Other studies have found that kids who write an essay by hand write more — and more quickly — than those who use a computer, and that they're more likely to write in complete sentences.
All this makes a certain amount of intuitive sense. Occupational therapist Katya Feder tells Health Key that writing by hand "integrates motor pathways into the brain" — and indeed, handwriting engages the body in a way that typing doesn't. Each stroke of a key feels pretty much the same as any other, but each letter formed by hand is unique, and it's no surprise that kids grow more accustomed to the alphabet when they're asked to write it out. Nor is it shocking that kids write more quickly and prolifically when they do so with a pen — I first started writing longhand as a way to combat writer's block, and I've sworn by the technique ever since. A lot of its appeal has to do with its physicality — it easier to get a flow going on the page than on the screen, and the feeling that I'm doing something helps me keep going.
Of course, the other perk of a pen is that it's not connected to the internet, and I wonder if the kids who were composing essays on the computer were simply distracted from their work by the machine's many other offerings. Many of the benefits of handwriting are no doubt real, but some of them are illusory — research shows the same paper gets a better grade when it's written neatly than when it's scrawled (no word on how a typed version would measure up). So kids, practice your handwriting — if it doesn't actually make you smarter, at least it will make people think you are.
The Many Health Perks Of Good Handwriting [Health Key]
Image via EtiAmmos/Shutterstock.com


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Fire at Logan Airport fuel pumps strands planes
A fire at Boston Logan International Airport's fuel pumps sent thick, black smoke into the air on Tuesday, forced some international flights to make stops elsewhere to refuel and stranded a handful of planes on the ground.
No injuries were reported after the fire, which was quickly contained, and the airport continued to operate.
One of more than a dozen fuel pumps was engulfed in flames, and the airport's underground fuel system was temporarily suspended as a precaution. International flights made stops on their way into Logan to get more fuel. Domestic airlines ferried fuel in.
A few planes, mostly international flights, landed at the airport low on fuel and were stranded.
The fire broke out Tuesday evening, and firefighters had it under control about a half-hour later, airport operator Massport said.
The cause of the fire was under investigation, but there's lots of surveillance in the area and the fire wasn't considered suspicious, Massport aviation director Ed Freni said.
Logan is New England's largest transportation center, handling tens of millions of passengers each year. The fuel pump that was engulfed in flames will be out of service for a while as crews work to clean up about 1,000 gallons of foam used to put out the fire, Freni said.


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The Latest on the coronavirus pandemic, which has infected more than 343,400 people and killed over 14,700. The COVID-19 illness causes mild or moderate symptoms in most people, but severe symptoms are more likely in the elderly or those with existing health problems. More than 98,800 people have recovered so far, mostly in China.
Black Press Media is updating this file throughout the day. This story was updated at 6:30 a.m., Monday, March 23.
- South Africa's coronavirus cases jumped to 402, most in Africa.
- Taiwan to ban airline passenger transit through April 7.
- Poland calls for Tokyo 2020 Olympics to be postponed.
Hong Kong: Foreign non-residents barred
HONG KONG — Foreign non-residents of Hong Kong will be barred from entering the semi-autonomous Chinese territory for 14 days beginning Wednesday.
The Asian financial hub will also ban travellers from mainland China, along with the nearby Chinese region of Macao and the self-governing island of Taiwan that is claimed by Beijing, if they have visited foreign countries over the past two weeks.
JOHANNESBURG — South Africa's coronavirus cases jumped to 402 on Monday. That is an increase of 128 cases from the day before as it is the country with the most cases in Africa.
South African President Cyril Ramaphosa is expected to speak to the nation about the growing threat and many expect him to announce new restrictive measures to try to slow the spread of the disease.
More than half of South Africa's total cases are in the Gauteng province, which include Johannesburg and Pretoria. Johannesburg has 5.7 million people, South Africa has 57 million people.
The new government figures put South Africa ahead of Egypt, which has 372 cases. South Africa has not registered a death from the disease.
TAIPEI — Taiwan will ban airline passenger transits through the country starting Tuesday through April 7.
Taiwan confirmed 26 more COVID-19 cases, bringing the total number of confirmed cases in the island to 195.
WARSAW, Poland — Poland has joined those calling for the Tokyo 2020 Olympics to be postponed due to the coronavirus pandemic.
The Polish Olympic Committee says in a statement there is too much uncertainty at the moment to go ahead. It said that because of the rising number of COVID-19 cases, "Polish athletes have increasingly limited training options, Olympic qualifications are being cancelled and there is too much uncertainty."
LONDON — Irish premier Leo Varadkar has warned further restrictions may be made on people's movements during the coronavirus pandemic because of failure to follow social distancing advice.
Varadkar says more recommendations are needed in light of weekend images of crowded public places in Ireland. They will be delivered Tuesday.
The Irish government has said four people have died from the COVID-19 disease and there are currently 906 positive cases of coronavirus.
CANBERRA, Australia: Australia's Parliament has passed 83.6 billion Australian dollars ($48.4 billion) in economic stimulus measures to dampen the impact of the coronavirus.
A scaled-down Parliament passed the legislation in a single day on Monday. Dozens of lawmakers have been excused from attending to reduce the chances of spreading COVID-19.
A fourth lawmaker announced on Monday he had contracted the disease.
Australia has more than 1,700 confirmed cases in a population of 25 million and seven people have died with the respiratory illness.
BERLIN — The German government has approved another large aid package to help companies and individuals affected by the coronavirus pandemic.
The aid package breaks six years of balanced budgets by borrowing 156 billion euros ($167 billion) to finance it.
The government announced Monday that it will give small companies and self-employed people aid of up to 15,000 euros each over three months.
The decision was made at a Cabinet meeting that Chancellor Angela Merkel joined by telephone.
Merkel went into home quarantine on Sunday evening after learning that a doctor who administered a vaccination to her had tested positive for the coronavirus.
The new package comes on top of a previous pledge of at least 460 billion euros in loan guarantees to help Europe's biggest economy handle the fallout from running down public life to a minimum.
PRAGUE — Czech authorities have established an air bridge with China to acquire medical equipment. The effort was done with help from NATO and Czech and Chinese airlines.
NATO provided a giant transport An-124 Ruslan plane as part of its program to help participating allies transport heavy and outsized cargo.
The first flight from the city of Shenzhen in south-eastern China delivered over 106 metric tons (117 tons) of equipment. Two more NATO backed flights are expected later in March.
Also, two planes by the China Eastern airline arrived on Friday and Sunday while the first plane by Czech airline CSA landed in Prague early Monday.
They all have been loaded with millions of face masks and respirators, protective googles and suits as well testers for the virus much needed by the health sector.
Interior Minister Jan Hamacek said three flights a week will be landing with the supplies for at least six weeks.
The Czech Republic has 1,165 cases of COVID-19, and one death.
CAIRO — Egypt's state-run television has reported the death of a senior military officer from the coronavirus.
Major General Safea Abdel-Halim Dawood tested positive to the virus following his participation in sterilization efforts which the military. He was head of major projects at the engineering authority of the Egyptian armed forces.
Dawood was the second highest official infected by the virus to date in Egypt, which has around 330 cases and 16 deaths.
On Sunday, the military announced the death of Major General Khaled Shaltout, who was infected also while taking part in sterilization.
WARSAW, Poland — The coronavirus pandemic is hitting some of Catholic Poland's best loved traditions like the blessing of food in churches on Holy Saturday.
Poland's bishops have advised against holding the tradition this year to avoid drawing the usual crowds to churches. People bring baskets of food to church that are placed together on a large table, the foods get a blessing and a sprinkle of Holy Water from the priest, as do the families gathered around the table.
With a "national quarantine" currently in place in the fight against the spreading virus, the bishops advise against the blessing and against the use of Holy Water in Easter liturgies in April.
Poland has 649 confirmed cases of the coronavirus and seven fatalities.
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico — The second death from COVID-19 in Puerto Rico is a tourist from the United States.
The Health Department says the victim is a 73-year-old man who was vacationing in the U.S. territory with his wife and had other health problems.
The island has 31 confirmed coronavirus cases and at least 69 pending test results. Police have detained and cited more than 200 people for violating a two-week curfew imposed last week.
MADRID — The number of new infections of the coronavirus in Spain rose for the second day in a row.
Spain's new 4,517 new Monday brought the overall number since the beginning of the outbreak to 33,089. The day-to-day increase of around 15% is similar to the one seen the day before.
The exponential growth of infection was lower than in previous days, but the number of deaths jumped by 462. Spain now has 2,182 fatalities.
The Spanish government says deputy prime minister Carmen Calvo has been hospitalized with a respiratory infection and doctors are testing her for the coronavirus.
Spaniards are beginning their second week of confinement as worry spreads for the collapse of the country's healthcare system amid an influx of COVID-19 patients requiring assisted respiration.
The Spanish government is seeking parliament approval to extend the state emergency for two more weeks until April 11, but harsher measures like halting overall industrial production have been ruled out.
No incoming travellers from outside Europe's Schengen border area are allowed into the country starting from Monday.
LONDON — British Health Secretary Matt Hancock has said people ignoring the government's social distancing advice are "very selfish."
Hancock warned on BBC radio the government may have to take "more action" if people continue to ignore the government's advice to help stop the spread of the coronavirus.
His comments came after a series of images over the weekend showing crowds congregating in open spaces.
Snowdonia National Park in Wales, which experienced "its busiest ever visitor day" on Saturday, urged the government to be more explicit in its advice.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson is due to hold his daily news conference Monday and has warned that Britain may soon have to endure an Italy-style lockdown if people continue to disregard the advice.
DHAKA, Bangladesh — Bangladesh now has three deaths from the coronavirus. The number of confirmed infections is 33.
Meerjady Sabrina Flora, director of the Institute of Epidemiology, Disease Control and Research, said that six new infections were reported Monday. The new infections include two children under 10 years, a doctor and two nurses.
BUDAPEST, Hungary — Hungarian lawmakers will discuss a government proposal to extend the state of emergency declared on March 11 because of the coronavirus epidemic.
The bill would allow Prime Minister Viktor Orban's government to rule by decree. The government would not need parliament to approve new or amended laws as long as it considers it necessary because of the epidemic.
The government also has asked the opposition to agree to the urgent passage of the legislation, which would require support from four-fifths of lawmakers. Orban's Fidesz party and a small ally control two-thirds of the seats.
LISBON, Portugal — A community of nuns living in silence at a Portuguese convent have offered tips on how to make the best of being stuck at home during the COVID-19 outbreak.
The nuns living in central Portugal say people should take the opportunity to develop their creative side and eat meals together as a family.
They say in an article for the Roman Catholic news agency in Portugal, Ecclesia, that people should place value on the simple things in life — a friendly word, a tender gesture, taking time to listen to others.
TOKYO — Japan's health ministry said Monday that two former passengers of a cruise ship died, becoming the ninth and 10th fatalities from the Diamond Princess.
The two men had tested positive for the virus while on board and were treated at hospitals. The ministry didn't disclose the direct cause of their deaths.
Japan now has 1,801 confirmed cases, including 712 from the ship. The death toll now totals 51, including 10 from the ship.
KRAKOW, Poland — One of Poland's biggest hospitals, the University Hospital in Krakow, has closed almost all wards to new patients after a few of its employees tested positive for coronavirus.
Only the contagious diseases ward, dedicated to treating COVID-19, remains open. All patients in the hospital will be tested for coronavirus during the week, or some seven days after they had contact with the infected medics. Experts say that to be effective, the tests need to be taken about a week after potential exposure to the virus.
The hospital provides educational and practical base to medicine students of the Jagiellonian University. All schools and universities in Poland were closed earlier this month in an effort to fight the spreading virus.
A nation of 38 million, Poland has confirmed 649 cases of coronavirus infection. Seven patients have died.
VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis has cancelled his planned day trip to Malta on May 31 due to the coronavirus.
The Vatican on Monday made official what was widely expected, given Italy's nationwide lockdown to try to contain the virus and Malta's decision to bar air traffic from Italy. Italy is the epicenter of COVID-19 in Europe, registering nearly 60,000 infections and more than 5,400 deaths.
The May 31 trip had been Francis' only confirmed foreign trip of 2020. The Vatican said it would be rescheduled.
He had hoped to travel to Iraq this year, but those hopes were dashed after the security situation deteriorated following a U.S. airstrike that killed an Iranian general. Francis was also rumoured to be planning a trip to Indonesia, East Timor and Papua New Guinea. But local church officials in East Timor said that trip too, was off.
Despite the virus, Francis is continuing to meet daily with his top advisers.
PARIS — Yves Saint Laurent and Balenciaga are the latest luxury fashion labels ramping up supplies of surgical masks to help the fight against COVID-19.
The Kering Group, which owns the labels, says French workshops that usually make luxury clothes for Yves Saint Laurent and Balenciaga will switch over to manufacturing masks. It says production will begin "as soon as the manufacturing process and materials have been approved by the relevant authorities." It did not say how many masks the workshops will be able to make.
Kering said it will also buy and import 3 million surgical masks from China for donation to the French health service.
The world's largest luxury group — Paris-based LVMH — has also said it has reached a deal with a Chinese industrial supplier to deliver 10 million masks to the French population.
GENEVA — The World Health Organization says criminals are increasingly posing as WHO officials in an effort to swipe information or money from people during the coronavirus crisis.
Spokesman Tarik Jasarevic said Monday that attackers are using "multiple impersonation approaches" such as fraudulent phone calls and phishing on email and through social media.
The U.N. health agency said it is working to confirm and debunk such attempts and alert local authorities. It has set up a website to help people prevent fraud during the coronavirus outbreak.
"Always take time to think about a request for your personal information, and whether the request is appropriate," WHO said.
WHO says its official emails come from the "who.int" domain.
The Associated Press


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If you were expecting that S.T. Dupont's first-ever release of a double-blade guillotine-style cutter, coming as it does on the occasion of the company's 135th anniversary, would be an ostentatious affair, don't be disappointed at the minimalist approach S.T. Dupont took. The Double Blade cigar cutter is a classic in understated elegance from a company that has a soft spot for the ornate and a tradition of working in precious metals.
The Double Blade's metal may not be precious, but it is high tech. The blades are honed of surgical steel -- ideal for both medical purposes and clipping the head of your smoke. The easy-to-clean alloy is strong and corrosion-resistant, and its extreme hardness keeps the edges keen. The size is made for easy storage and transportation. It measures a gaunt fraction of an inch in thickness, about the size of two credit cards stacked on top of each other, and is a little more than three and a half inches long and an inch and a half in width.
The motif is industrial high tech, suggested in the rectangular shape, the four bolts at the corners of the body and the etching of the company's signature near the blade aperture. The only ornamentation comes from a slight variation in the steel grain in the handles, crafted in polished steel, and the body, in brushed steel. The new "D" emblem that the company has been employing in recent years subtly presents itself as the cutter's finger holes. The name is even stripped down, trading in the more opulent guillotine description for the double blade title.
But in a way it all makes sense. If anything, this cutter harks to S.T. Dupont's entrance into the world of smoke and fire with its release of its first Petrol lighter in 1952. It was an elegant, yet simple pocket lighter that made its introduction with the signature "ping" sound and left the gilded trimmings aside. The Double Blade cigar cutter has a suggested retail price of $435.
Visit www.st-dupont.com.


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Witches Of East End Review: Lifetime's Bewitching New Drama Premieres Sunday
It's no secret that Lifetime aims their content toward a largely female audience, but just as no two women are exactly alike, it stands to reason that Lifetime would aim for diversity with regards to their scripted content. From Army Wives to Drop Dead Diva, Devious Maids and The Client List, none of these series is much like the others, with the exception of their mutual focus on women. With that in mind, The Witches of East End seems like the natural next step for Lifetime, as it puts women front and center but takes a different approach with its story. Female-skewed and bursting with drama and magic from the very start, Witches of East End may not be like anything else Lifetime has going on right now, but tonally, it should be a good fit for the network nonetheless.
Written by Maggie Friedman, Witches of East End's pilot is directed by someone who knows a thing or two about telling female-focused stories. Director Mark Waters' credits include Mean Girls and the upcoming feature adaptation of Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy, the latter of which also gives him some experience with adaptations and supernatural-focused stories. In the case of Witches of East End, the pilot introduces us to two sets of sisters, all witches. Julia Ormand plays Joanna, a free-spirited artist and mother of two grown daughters Freya (Jenna Dewan Tatum) and Ingrid (Rachel Boston). Joanna hasn't told Freya and Ingrid that they're witches, but that revelation seems eminent from the start, especially when Joanna's sister Wendy (Madchen Amick) shows up --after a 100-year absence from Joanna's life -- and delivers a warning that affects Freya and Ingrid's future.
The pilot episode sets up the characters and their backgrounds as we learn that Freya is a wild child who's looking to settle down with the man of her dreams, Dash Gardiner (Eric Winter), though that has its challenges. Dash is rich, gorgeous and he wants to marry Freya, but his mother (Virginia Madsen) doesn't think much of Freya and takes the passive aggressive approach at expressing her disapproval. That woman sure knows how to deliver a backhanded compliment.
Freya's sister Ingrid, meanwhile, is a timid librarian who has studied witchcraft, though she has no idea how closely tied she is to the magic. And that's where the story gets going, as strange things begin to happen to the characters. While Joanna tries to deal with the news her sister Wendy has brought her, Freya finds herself irresistibly drawn to her fiancé Dash's mysterious brother Killian (Daniel DiTomasso). And by irresistibly I mean an intensely magnetic attraction. Ingrid, meanwhile, finds herself dabbling in witchcraft in an effort to help a friend who's struggling with fertility issues. Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Tom Lenk factors into that part of the story, and I really hope we'll be seeing more of him as the series goes on. It's evident even without Wendy's warning that these two young women are on the brink of discovering the truth about their nature, but with their aunt's return, the process seems to be moving much faster.
One of the most intriguing aspects of the pilot is the background story that sets up Freya and Ingrid's existence. I won't get into spoilers there, as I think it's worth seeing play out through Joanna's flashbacks, but it sets up the notion that their fate is sealed, though we're obviously meant to hope that things can be changed. The series seems set up to center on Ingrid and Freya, as the two budding witches who may be destined for a dark fate, but I'm just as interested in getting to know Joanna and Wendy better, as it's evident that both of them have a long history and probably some interesting stories to tell. And it's also well worth noting that Ormand and Amick are great in their respective roles, so I'm hoping the series divides its attention somewhat equally between all four women.
With romance, magic, some soapy drama and mystery worked into the story, Witches of East End seems poised to bewitch its audience as it gets off to a fun and dramatic start. I won't go as far as to say that the first episode has me completely under this series' spell, but I'm intrigued enough to tune in for more and hopeful to be drawn in more and more as we get to know these characters better and see what's in store.
Witches of East End premieres Sunday, October 6 at 10:00 p.m. ET on Lifetime.
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Kelly joined CinemaBlend as a freelance TV news writer in 2006 and went on to serve as the site's TV Editor before moving over to other roles on the site. At present, she's an Assistant Managing Editor who spends much of her time brainstorming and editing feature content on the site.