text:
I am a feather in the Wind more than I am a bird.
Like half-notes and arpeggios,
I play a song in the Wind.
As wishes and more wishes are blown away,
Only one wish remains:
"Oh, Eternal Wind,
Play a divine melody,
One that blows this weightless feather
Across the face of a child."
With her helpless tears wet and pure,
My hope is that they'll keep me there,
Ending the Wind's choreographic reign,
And with the child I shall remain.
~ Arjuna D. Ghose (2001)
This poem reveals how my Sri Chinmoy administered karma has been helping me fulfill all my dreams–the ones deep in my heart–because I wrote it three years before I knew my daughter would exist. My daughter has been a victim of emotional neglect. She used to scream at me to not leave her at school and cry at the classroom window for hours after I left. Why? She was suffering. Prior to her birth, my life was at the command of the mundane demands of life, like school work, like being at the mercy of the Wind blowing me this way and that. After her birth, at the very least, I can stick with her and never leave her. Perhaps at the very least, my presence will give her some comfort and confidence, fulfilling the deeper wishes I had before I knew she would be born.
An Introduction to The Struggle Within: The Wind's Divine Melody
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."
— Oscar Wilde
This story details what happened to me and my daughter, Abigail (The Little Sweetheart), and focuses on my struggle within as well as the spiritual progress I have made and continue to make. You are reading The Struggle Within: The Wind's Divine Melody, which I often refer to as "this book" or "this story." My intention is that this will be a multi-volume series (eventually printed as one book) about my life while being filled with spiritual lessons and wisdom from me, and most importantly, my Master and Guru Sri Chinmoy.
How Does One Conquer the Unhealthy Ego?
Is it possible to conquer the ego—all your weaknesses and imperfections—with meditation? Can meditation alone produce that kind of illumination, or do you also need to be able to deal with life and people and everything that triggers you? What if everything in your life went fine and dandy and nothing challenged your equanimity? Perhaps the ego can be conquered only through a process of understanding why certain things trigger you. When they no longer trigger you, you have then dissolved that issue.
You will notice in this book that some things triggered me. For example, if my sister accused me of doing something wrong to her and found great fault with me—which has happened several times—I became very upset. Not necessarily to her, but I might get drunk by myself, for example. The key issue, though, is that I was not psychologically well. It hurts, and sometimes I don't deal with such pain very well. And it is possible that meditation alone—which was the way I initially tried to overcome my weaknesses and imperfections before I lost my ability to meditate when I was twenty-two—can't help me conquer these kinds of problems. If so, the years of my experience of God's Embrace—the years I could meditate—indeed involved spiritual progress, but were more like a comfort zone.
I am just proposing this. I haven't fully figured it out yet as I write these words. I dare say, though, that if it were not for my ego, there wouldn't be a struggle within, and incidentally, my daughter would not have been born. In fact, in most areas of my life, my ego, as a "shadow of the past," has not been particularly productive, weakening my potential for success in many endeavors. For example, I could not have important meetings or discussions with people—the kind that would decide the future direction of my life—without my social anxiety getting in the way.
A Blend of Diary and Memoir
In this story, I changed my name to Jacob to help protect the characters within it. Arjuna D. Ghose is also not my birth name. I will explain more about that over the course of this book. I have also changed the names of family and friends who appear in this story as well as some distinguishing characteristics. Aside from these small changes, this story—which is a blend of memoir and diary—provides an honest articulation of what I've experienced and witnessed and have come to learn.
I wrote this story as a journey of self-discovery and have come to know myself and my life much more (I would not be able to write these words otherwise). It chronicles my spiritual quest, much of which has been trodden upon with a spiritual dryness that either is or just seems God-imposed (or bestowed)—my own personal Dark Night of the Soul. It may be that one can distinguish this kind of spiritual dryness only after one has been spiritually nourished or experienced some kind of Divine Embrace.
But this is also a story about ingratitude and misapprehensions. And comeuppance—a comeuppance and fulfillment of long-held dreams all-in-one, perhaps exhibiting a powerful message that when something seems negative, perhaps perspective, or wisdom, is everything, and it is not so negative after all.
If you've ever written a memoir, then you would know that one of the tricks to writing one lies in having a fairly good memory. I have never been good at recalling and articulating events from the past, perhaps due to trauma, and that is one of the main reasons I started writing this story as a diary 2010. I wanted to tell the story as much as I could as it was happening.
Nothing in this story is fabricated. I don't use my imagination to fill in the gaps where my memory fails me to make it sound more like a novel. So, having a bad memory, there may seem like there are parts missing because I strive for this book to be completely non-fiction. It is a work in progress, though, so, I'm still hoping to eventually write it better and fill in the gaps.
I sent my early diary entries to my friend, Tammy, through private Facebook messages. I decided to share my story because I was inspired. Surprisingly, my inspiration began when a drug addiction scrambled my mentality, but I felt much more fueled back then. Fueled with what? The Holy Spirit? Inspiration? I am not sure what to call it. I know that I was inspired, but was there also some kind of Holy Spirit filling me?
I may never know, but I relayed my story to Tammy as it was happening, although I excluded several key parts because I was not yet completely honest about my addiction. I added those and other details later in the form of autobiographical text.
Aside from conversations with Tammy, I have included private Facebook conversations with others in the absence of my memory recollecting exact verbatim dialogue. While I wrote my words in these conversations along with my diary notes, all of which appear in this font, in the ever-moving present, I wrote my autobiographical text, displayed in this font, at a later point in time, in retrospect, usually with a greater insight brought on by time and distance from the events. All of my autobiographical text was written and edited from 2015 on. For the most part, I only edited the odd spelling or grammatical error in the diary and conversation text.
I was, in my opinion, an amateur writer when I started writing to Tammy in 2010. Hopefully, I am a bit better now. But back then I believed it would be too difficult to sit down and write for hours and hours, creating the most awesome book. Inspiration does not work that way for me, nor does memory. I like to write things when I think of them and when I am feeling good. When I began writing, I believed I could express my actual personality better that way. Somehow, I knew at that time, deep inside, that what I felt had some kind of Spirit behind it. Because I felt inspired, it almost felt as though this Spirit spoke through me.
I am recording my story as it happens and sharing it with the world because I believe that God has something to say through me. I mostly try not to tell you how to think or behave as though I am your teacher. However, I do sometimes share some teachings I learned from my spiritual guide or gained from experiences I had at the time. These teachings are integral to my story, but my intention is that God does the teaching and inspires you simply by me telling you the complete truth about everything that happened.
Before I subtitled this The Wind's Divine Melody, I titled it The Burn. It was much more a work in progress then. Despite that and despite not having it seen by a professional editor, I published it as an e-book and started promoting it. I had already gone almost five years without any results from all the work I had done and was eager (and naïve) to feel like I had accomplished something. Not long after, in 2016, I received an inner message clarifying that this memoir should be called The Wind's Divine Melody, the title of a poem I wrote in 2001. The poem's overall message is that I will never leave my daughter with her tears from emotional neglect, and this begins my new life born of water and the Spirit. My story has sifted through much editing and rewriting since.
I became a disciple of spiritual Master Sri Chinmoy in 1994 when I was eighteen. My consciousness was screwed up—likely from trauma—and I was aware that meditation could help me. I also knew that Sri Chinmoy—a meditation teacher—could help me with that. By studying his writings, I learned that God has every intention of fulfilling all your dreams (not to be confused with all your desires, many of which He will not fulfill for your own good). It seems God is far more aware of your innermost dreams than you are, even before you are born. Now I am becoming more aware of my own dreams. Dreams that I've had for as long as I can remember. Maybe my upbringing and the imperfections it caused in my nature influenced my devotion to perfecting my nature; to striving for inner peace and true happiness so that I might enjoy life better. But it appears I also wanted to care for a child in need.
Sri Chinmoy (1931–2007) was a God-realized spiritual teacher and guide who came to the West from East Bengal (now Bangladesh) in 1964 to serve aspiring seekers. At age thirteen, he again became conscious of his God-realization that he had achieved in previous incarnations. From the Sri Aurobindo Ashram in Pondicherry, India, he moved to the city of New York, where he lived for the latter half of his life. In October 2007, Sri Chinmoy compassionately left the body to continue serving aspiring seekers from the higher worlds. Today, he has about 7,000 direct disciples around the world and many more admirers. For more information about Sri Chinmoy and his path, please visit About Sri Chinmoy at the back of this book.
I would like to say, friend, that there are many things about me that make me a very unusual person, such as a pathological generalized anxiety, inhibitions, and self-doubt disorder—enough to make me quiet and mask my true self (and self-expression) on my good days. I have always believed that I would be good at manifesting my true self if I could just overcome all the dark spots within me. Many people have anxiety, but I didn't just have a perverted anxiety disorder. I had a whole army of problems within my consciousness, all working to make me strangely reserved, anxious, and quiet. None of that my true self.
Since graduating from high school, I have struggled to meet people, particularly in person. I then became deeply spiritual and subsequently lived amongst people who did not know how truly spiritual I was, kind of like being "undercover." I also, somehow, developed an inner (spiritual) communication with my Master, my inner guru or Spirit, or my spiritual guide. Most surprisingly were the "blows" from my Master that no one else on this planet seems to have experienced. But before I explain more, let me fill you in a little about my number one desire (or should I say "dream").
Despite being a lone wolf, even if not by preference, I've always had a deep inner urge for self-manifestation. That is, actualizing my nature. This is perhaps the number one thing that pushes me to try because I have never been close enough to that; I was never one with it. In the spirit of legendary character actor Konstantin Stanislavski's terminology, which I believe he adopted from other actors, I will call it nature, yet add the word "spiritual" in front of it in an attempt to be more specific. I have always been painfully aware that the blemishes in my consciousness—mainly anxiety and lack of faith in myself—prevented me from actualizing and manifesting this spiritual nature.
That was unacceptable to me.
In his book An Actor Prepares, Stanislavski describes this nature as feelings coming from the subconscious, which we cannot always analyze, that take possession of us for a shorter or longer space of time whenever some inner instinct bids them. This can happen only when you feel your inner and outer existence flowing naturally and normally on the stage. I started reading this book when I felt inspired to become an actor back when I was eighteen. That was when I first learned to meditate.
As an actor, I like the idea of playing an undercover officer. Actually, I would like to be many things, like maybe a social worker, lawyer, or writer. It's that ego thing again. Is it better that my ego makes me feel insecure and triggered with anger because of how someone treats me? Or would it be better if I be more confident with the help of seeing myself as an undercover officer (for instance). I love detective shows and would love to be some sort of undercover officer. Although it would potentially result in false accusations from people who don't know what you are truly doing, facing that would help you to develop the confidence you need. When I watch television, I almost always watch a documentary-style show called Forensic Files. I like the idea of catching the bad guys and exonerating the innocent. It's not necessarily easy to talk about how you've had these dreams throughout the years when they've usually not been in your mind's forefront.
But there can be obstructions to this naturally occurring phenomenon. As Stanislavski explains:
It is art. And life is art. And we are all actors on the stage of life, are we not? I wanted to manifest my spiritual nature in all interactions with others as well as any professional actor.
By the time I was eighteen, I knew there was something special inside of me. Something that desperately needed to be manifested, and it pained me that I rarely expressed who I truly wasthe better, real me deep inside.
Listening to good music typically brought out my spiritual nature. My attempt at singing a song let me know how well I was doing. I knew how to enjoy the music, but when I tried to sing it, what I call my nervousness anxiety got in the way. Oh, I had the feeling. I had the emotion. But, man, the abyss of dark-spot obstructions within me, such as deeply embedded anxiety, was not allowing me to feel it and express it while singing in front of others, or even by myself most times. Another way for me to know was my ability to talk to others, although my reason for often settling into a comfort zone of quietness usually was clouded with obscurity. But listening to and enjoying music? That I was good at.
There had always been a thick glass wall separating me from manifesting and dissolving my true self into the selves of others in face-to-face interactions. The serendipity and spontaneity of stumbling upon newly formed relationships were never there. Throughout most of my life, particularly following the advent of the Dark Night of the Soul, which began after I turned twenty-three, I have not been happy enough because of that missing part.
But I don't just want to manifest to and form wonderful relationships with others—I want to be consciously one with my essence and experience everlasting inner peace regardless of whether I am alone or with others. No matter what is going on in my life. I want to go beyond my fears, mistakes, and misperceptions and move toward a state of consciousness in which I'm able to access the magnificent qualities of my spiritual nature.
Perhaps by going through this Wind's Divine Melody, which began when my daughter was born, I have been able to further actualize my spiritual nature. Maybe by facing the specious accusations and my daughter's tarnished impression of me during this Wind's Divine Melody, I have been able to repair much of my weaknesses and imperfections, bringing me closer to truly manifesting my true self, fearless, carefree, and confident in all circumstances.
Hidden from View
By the time I became a disciple of spiritual Master Sri Chinmoy's at age eighteen, I had a screwed-up consciousness. I realized quickly that following his path could help me conquer all that hindered me from reaching oneness with my true self, and I became very spiritual in response to the inner nourishment and inspiration I felt.
The spiritual Master's job is to bring you to God. What does that mean? I think it relates to my deep inner dreams of actualizing my spiritual nature. Liberation, for example, is a milestone along the spiritual journey to God-realization—that which was taught by Sri Chinmoy as being the goal, followed by God-manifestation (because today's goal is tomorrow's starting point). It is freedom from anything that stands in your way or obstructs you from the real you. According to Sri Chinmoy, "The human and the unreal in us cease in liberation" (Sri Chinmoy Library, n.d.). Although I didn't quite grasp what God-realization was, it was exactly what I was looking for. It seemed the clouds in my consciousness blocking my inner sun served as a main driving force, making me determined to actualize this spiritual nature.
Clearly moved by this new, natural way of finding happiness, I became like a monk, though I did not present myself that way. I worked and mingled in the world just like any other person. I did not present or announce who I was deep in my heart to those around me. In fact, I even stumbled into drugs a few times after I turned twenty-three and lost my ability to meditate. If my true occupation was not revealed by my walking around wearing a clerical collar or monk's robes, then getting into drugs and no longer being able to meditate well certainly covered my true identity even more.
Also hidden from view, particularly after I lost my ability to meditate and the fullness in my face that went with it, was the inner guidance and help I've been receiving from my Master. An experience of oneness with him within my own consciousness. But he was not an ordinary man. More like an Avatar, with many, many inner suns inwardly guiding his disciples along the path of self-development from the higher regions. I will explain later how that inner communication developed in the first place.
Could it really be possible for there to be a part of your own consciousness that will always try to help you and never give up on you? It is often hard even for me to believe, and it isn't well-known in society, at least not in the West. Many people do not realize that a spiritual Master is helping the disciple become better and better; helping him conquer his ego, his weaknesses, and imperfections. He is helping him experience true happiness, an uninterrupted basking in the effulgence of his inner sun (or suns). As I said, even I have questioned it. In fact, had I never questioned it, this story would be significantly different, with a lot less struggle.
The Struggle Within
In case you haven't realized it yet, this is a story where the main character struggles with mental health issues.
Have you ever been scolded by your parents? Maybe slapped on the bum or put in time-out? Was it humiliating? I remember when I was a little boy, I had a neighbour whose two four-ish-year-old sons would bang their heads on the wall when they became upset. When I asked my mother why, she effortlessly pointed out that they were spoiled. Please consider this idea when you think of my behaviour throughout this story. Yes, I act spoiled. But, yes, it was humiliating.
I am talking about the "blows" that no one else seems to have experienced. I've had several experiences combined together, particularly conversations I've had with other disciples, which gradually helped me realize that Sri Chinmoy likely deals with no other disciple in this manner. But there is something called inner communication with the Master, and this is well-known in the disciple community. The book On Sri Chinmoy's Sunlit Path: Stories by disciples of Sri Chinmoy includes a chapter called Inner Communication. I recommend that you read that chapter for more info. Any story in that chapter (or elsewhere in the book) is bound to "blow" you away with inspiration (if you're a believer). Now, everything from the Master is positive, but the "blows" I am referring to, which you won't discover in that book and which seemed like a form of discipline or a purification of my ego, were difficult for me to see as anything beyond a humiliation-intrusion. I made the decision time and again to become triggered, to react with negative behaviour and hostility, to lose my equanimity. To take revenge. I would advise you to not be dichotomous in your view of being blown away with inspiration versus being blown by challenges like I was. Instead, use my behaviour as an example of what to avoid. If inspiration proves ineffective in helping you think that way, then perhaps the knowledge that it does indeed have consequences will.
Sri Chinmoy has an aphorism which states:
We painfully call it
We shall call that very thing
I am confident that, from a more awakened perspective, "humiliation" would not be the best way to look at these experiences and therefore not the best word. I have simply used the word humiliation (and "violating") throughout my story because I often dwelled on that perspective throughout my past.
If you're someone's pet, you might bite your master if your master does something violating (even with good intentions), but that doesn't mean you don't love your master. You may subsequently feel bad and go back to being affectionate. But if you do that as a human, you might become ostracized from the family, as in my case.
Sri Chinmoy has another aphorism which states:
The blows of my Master
I take as most beautiful flowers
Given to me by my Master.
Yes, it would seem perspective is everything. If I took his blows as most beautiful flowers, I wouldn't have become upset.
Although you yourself may never experience "blows of the Master," you will experience other types of blows from life. Therefore, let the words of Jesus Christ permeate through the words in this story articulating my spiteful actions and resulting momentum in the wrong direction: "If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them" (Luke 6:29 NIV). (Even if that person is God.) The Christ also teaches us to forgive so that we may be forgiven. Values I did not learn until much later in life.
I often had a problem—an attitude—with the way my spiritual guide treated me. Therefore, I had to be treated in the very way I found to be problematic. Was he trying to teach me to stop getting angry with him? That probably had something to do with it. I do know that my anger indicates there was something wrong with my ego at that time. Many times my spiritual guide administered a "blow" when I was most unable to forgive him; when I was at my worst, finding fault or blaming him or feeling stress.
A cynic feels
That he has the capacity
To size up spiritual values
And spiritual Masters
In the twinkling of an eye.
— Sri Chinmoy
What is God-Realization?
What other things in my life have offended me? False accusations and misapprehensions about me also triggered me, particularly those backed up with negative emotions from people like my parents. It's a learning process to realize that you are perfectly capable of remaining calm and equanimous while receiving false-accusation arrows. You don't have to allow your calm waters to become stormy and turbulent. But it's a learning process—as I said—and I eventually realized I am much more emotionally mature than I thought.
This story aims to cover the truth as much as humanly possible. So, I do try to clarify facts and illumine speciousness as much as possible, although perhaps not always right away. With respect to Sri Chinmoy, anything about the truth would benefit him. When people maliciously twist the truth (or fabricate a story about him) and deceive, they vandalize his image. However, nothing about the truth would do harm to his image. The philosophy here is, the more you talk about the truth, the more the truth comes out. Although it has required a tremendous amount of work, this book has been quite cathartic for me.
As you read this story, I humbly ask you to see the beauty within strife, within pain, within the struggle because ultimately, God is working through me and He remains my true Employer. Why else would I write this book? I am someone who did so bad, often with empty threats, but my actual occupation—He to which I was truly committed—remained hidden.
I have often suspected on some level that if Sri Chinmoy disciplines you in some way, then he also ensures he turns anything negative that happened as a result of that discipline into something positive. Although that tends to explain one of the reasons why I maliciously believed I could get away with doing wrong things that are completely against my character, I do believe my fate would have been much different had I not repented.
So, I've told myself that I have to become a manifestation master, and it seemed I would have to fix the blemishes in my nature to do so. That had a lot to do with wanting to meet and marry a hot girl. How could I be appreciated and admired by a pretty girl unless I repaired my imperfections first? I felt girls would be attracted to me manifesting my mojo and not my psychological immaturities because my mommy or daddy didn't treat me right. Although that alone seemed a far cry, my ultimate goal had become God-realization and subsequently God-manifestation.
Sri Chinmoy said that his only fee is aspiration. Both intentions of mine are aspirations. That is, my attempt to actualize my spiritual nature so that I am able to enjoy life better would be an aspiration—as opposed to a desire—as far as I'm concerned. And my goal of God-realization is also an aspiration. That's what this book is about, only I tend to contradict these dreams throughout. Perhaps that is because the goal of God-realization did not come from my upbringing.
Although I was born a Protestant Christian and my mother took me and my sister to a Presbyterian church on most Sundays until I was about twelve, we were hardly a deeply religious family—far from it. Trouble at home certainly wasn't conducive to helping me follow the words of Jesus, which I never really learned very well anyway. By my teens, I had become lost; I never knew where I was going, which resulted in me getting even more lost.
One outcome of my upbringing is that my feelings are sometimes easily hurt. I can be too sensitive, and I don't like it. As I said earlier, I'm not generally the type of person who takes false accusations well. And I usually could never find the right words to vindicate myself when people found fault with me. That being said, I often like to mess with people's heads. I mean, seriously, I don't like to tell people when I am really just joking around, teasing them, or tricking them. It's almost as if I am shy but not shy at the same time.
Some accusations don't bother me at all. It's specious accusations that disturb me the most. The kind that involve people believing what appears to be true—something negative—based on a superficial understanding. Obviously, perspective plays a major role. Of course, that requires faith, which sometimes I can't muster. But I do try.
Often there is no way to clarify the truth, particularly for someone like me who can't express himself right. That's why it'd be so good if I could become an amazing singer or actor: because I could clarify who I really am. Yeah, you thought I was like that, but I am really like this. That and the fact that it is ingrained onto the tablet of my soul is why I must manifest myself.
I am spending a lot of time writing this story, hardly making any money while doing so, taking a big risk while not knowing how this story will end, whether it will have an ideal or discouraging ending. But faith and inspiration fuel me. I believe in my story. I believe in the divinity pulsating behind it, and I am inspired to write it. I believe God had the Intention to help me fulfill these dreams long before I can say. Even if I sell only a few copies, I will feel like I accomplished something major. A divine story lies within my experiences. God is looking out for me, and I believe in it. Somewhat. I am also a man of little faith sometimes, like Peter when he began to sink (Matthew 14:29–31), and I have thus had struggles.
What you are reading is a memoir and spiritual journey in one. I may fail, suffer, and do stupid things, but ultimately, I am trying to realize God in this incarnation, and this story is my journey toward that goal even though at times this particular goal is less in the forefront of my mind than others. Therefore, I may or may not realize God in this story, which I still have not finished writing.
You may not understand what God-realization is, and I do not blame you; I don't understand it much yet either. However, I do know that I am trying to be more fulfilled and feel like I have to achieve many things. Because of Sri Chinmoy, I believe a goal exists and in order to be truly fulfilled, I should aim for that goal, or at least aim to be more fulfilled by improving myself and my life. I also feel like I have a debt to pay, one of a more personal nature. Sri Chinmoy addresses a lack of conception of what we are either consciously or unconsciously ultimately doing—gradually blooming toward God-realization (also called Self-realization) throughout our human incarnations—with the following words. I encourage you to read them:
Question: Guru, in the morning prayer that we are supposed to say every day, the second half says, "When I see my Master's God-smiling eyes, my God-realisation-hope blooms . . ." Because I have no conception of God-realisation, I can't really relate to the second half of that mantra.
Sri Chinmoy: In the spiritual life, we do not need to have a conception of things. We have not seen God, but we are taught from the very beginning by our soul and by our parents that God exists. We know that God is all kindness and affection, that God embodies all the divine qualities. God and God-realisation are part and parcel of one another. They are like the flower and its fragrance. If God is the fragrance, then God-realisation is the flower and vice versa. If you say that you have no idea of God-realisation, then I will say, "You have no idea of God either, so how can you think of God and love God; how can you pray and meditate?" But you can and do love God; you can and do pray and meditate, even though right now God remains for you only a vague idea.
Before we learn a subject, we have no idea what the subject is all about. In fact, that is the reason we study it. In the case of God-realisation, we study the subject through our prayer, meditation, and other disciplines. It is the most difficult subject, but whoever is praying and meditating sincerely, or even insincerely, is studying the God-realisation subject. To get the fruits of our outer study, let us say a Master's degree, it takes many years. Step by step we proceed from kindergarten to university. In the spiritual life also, we start with prayer and meditation. Then we dive within and advance to contemplation and, finally, one day we complete our journey. Again, when we complete our inner journey, to our wide surprise we see that we are just at the beginning of a new journey! In the spiritual life, everything is a totally new beginning. It is like discovering a most beautiful garden. We feel that there cannot be any garden more beautiful. But God says, "No, there is a garden infinitely more beautiful."
Before God-realisation, we can have only the vaguest conception of who and what God is. It is only after we become God-realised that God becomes an absolutely living reality for us. At that time, the Universal Consciousness becomes ours; consciously we become part and parcel of it. What is happening anywhere in the universe we can know if we want to. Also, there are thousands of things a God-realised person does every day that an ordinary human being cannot do. Before God-realisation, I used to do perhaps five or six things per day. Now there is not a single day in which I do not do thousands of things in the inner world. It is the same for all the spiritual Masters who have realised God. God-realised Masters can do all these things because they do not use their minds. With our minds, we can do only one thing at a time. The mind can work very fast; it can accomplish one, two, three things very quickly. But the mind cannot do two things at the same time, whereas the God-realised soul can do many, many things simultaneously.
God-realisation is oneness with God's Will. Before we enter into the spiritual life, God's Will is not our concern; we are doing whatever we want to do. But once we enter into the spiritual life, at every moment we try to know what God's Will is. When we start practising spirituality, God does not come and stand in front of us and tell us what He wants. But always there is somebody inside us who is telling us the right thing and prompting us to do the right thing, and that is God. During our prayers and meditations, our soul or the Supreme tells us inwardly what should be done. If we do it, then we walk toward light; but if we do not listen, then we walk in darkness.
If the seeker is fortunate, God also sends His representative to tell His Will, and this representative happens to be the spiritual Master. The disciple may say, "If God Himself were standing in front of me, perhaps He would give some other Message." Or the disciple may think, "This Master is not pleasing me; he is not fulfilling my desire. Perhaps God Himself is not hearing my prayer or does not even know what my desire is." In so many ways the disciple can fool himself by separating God from his Master and convincing himself that God is somewhere else. But if the disciple is spiritually mature, he will feel that God and the Master know what his desires are and, if they do not fulfill his desires, it is because God does not want them to be fulfilled.
If the disciple's aspiration descends and inwardly or outwardly, he starts doing wrong things, the disciple may think, "Oh, the Master does not know what I am doing." The Master does know; only he does not speak. If the Master sees that the disciple is always doing the wrong thing, that he is always walking in darkness, then eventually he becomes the silent witness; in silence he witnesses everything. It is just like our human parents. Our parents tell us to do the right thing. But when time and again we do not listen to them, finally they keep quiet and just observe.
I shall tell an incident from around 6:40 this morning. Five disciples were angry with me, but I do not want to say who they are. While I was looking in the mirror and shaving, such blows I was getting inside my head — one after another! Luckily, my face was not cut! I opened my third eye to see who was striking me. The culprits may say, "I was sleeping at that time." True, they may have been sleeping, but last night their aggressive or dissatisfied vital was so displeased and angry with me that some wrong forces entered into me from them and I got such blows!
These experiences almost all the spiritual Masters have. Absolutely the way Muhammad Ali got punched—that kind of beating we get! Sometimes I do not want to know where it is coming from, because if I see that it is my dear ones who are striking me like this, then I will feel more miserable. The best thing is to get your blows, suffer for a few minutes and then, if you have the capacity, throw the experience into the Universal Consciousness. This morning I did not suffer for more than two minutes. I was strong enough to manage it, so I did not have to bother throwing the attack into the Universal Consciousness. Afterward, I went downstairs and did my exercises.
This is no cock-and-bull story. Believe me! One day you will have the same fate. All of a sudden you will ask yourself why you are getting such blows. What have you done? One does not even have to be a spiritual Master. Sometimes an ordinary individual may stumble for no rhyme or reason. While you are seated, all of a sudden you may get a muscle pull. It is not because something is wrong in your system, but because something has happened in the inner world. Consciously and deliberately someone was aiming such powerful undivine thoughts at you when you were not aware of it. Because your entire being was not energised or dynamic, your body could not resist and you got the attack. Many, many times you suffer from what you think is some physical ailment that all of a sudden appears out of the blue. But it is not a physical ailment; somebody has attacked you! This game goes on and on.
To come back to your question about the Master's God-smiling eyes, I have shown those God-smiling eyes many, many times, and they are not fake. There shall come a time when each and every disciple of mine will see the truth of what I am saying, whether you now take me seriously or not. The higher you go, the clearer it will be who I am, and the more faith, love, and devotion you will have. Again, the lower you go, the more confusion you will find. But when your God-realisation day dawns, somebody will come and give that realisation. At that time, you will not see a totally strange face or body; no, this very face and body of mine will come! But this applies only to the close disciples; I cannot do it for all.
Using Sri Chinmoy's Words to Understand My Story Better
I would like you to keep a few things in mind within the above words of Sri Chinmoy. Number one, he said, "Before you learn a subject, you have no idea what the subject is about. In fact, that is the reason why you study it." In the spirit of these words, I recommend that while reading this story, you keep an open mind and understand that, oftentimes, you may not understand what I am talking about before you learn more about it, and that is why you should calmly continue studying. For those that already have it figured out before even reading it, well, they are not reading this anyway. Too often, though, we think we have it figured out or that we have all the facts. However, those could be preconceived ideas.
Second, Sri Chinmoy does thousands of things in the inner world that an ordinary human being cannot do. He, as a God-realised soul, does many, many things simultaneously. So, while he deals with me, or some other disciple, he does many other things at the same time.
Third, spiritual communication applies to everyone. As Sri Chinmoy said, "But always there is somebody inside us who is telling us the right thing and prompting us to do the right thing, and that is God."
Fourth, the spiritual Master is God's representative. The Master does not get impatient or aggravated with you if you are doing "wrong" things. I do not want to give off the wrong impression that Sri Chinmoy is not all love, patience, and compassion. But through a disciple's bad or upset behaviour, he can give off a negative impression of the path or the Master. I talk more about that later.
Finally, if one becomes angry with the Master, then he likely will send the Master blows and cause him to suffer, which I refer to throughout my story as Muhammad Ali punches. Now, I should clarify, that a "blow of the Master" (the kind I have received) is not like a Muhammad Ali punch. It is more like being slapped on the bum by a parent. Since there's no physical pain, what is left is only the feeling of humiliation.
I'm Still on the Journey
In this story, good things happen to me, but many negative parts contribute to my story also, some of which may be disturbing to some readers. Much of it comes from being upset with my Master, though it also partially stems from the fact that, between 2010 and 2012, I was somehow trying to live (and thus write) the story according to what I suspected might be impressive. As the Lord Jesus said to Peter in Matthew 16:23 (NIV): "You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns."
Normally, for one who is not going through a Dark Night of the Soul, God responds when one is sincere and devoted; when one soulfully prays, sings spiritual songs, reads Scripture and meditates, and so forth. This response fulfills you and helps you understand, to an extent, that you are going in the right direction. You get a taste of the Infinite. This response is one of the main reasons why people perform these devotional spiritual disciplines. Meditation itself is the seeker aspiring to be fed spiritually while receiving God's response. Unless, of course, you are God-realized—then you are aspiring for the sake of others.
Such spiritual efforts feed the seeker; they are spiritually nourishing for the seeker's heart and soul. On Sri Chinmoy's path, the ideal way to be fulfilled is through aspiration, which is the secret of meditation, while dark desire is the way of short-term pleasure. According to Sri Chinmoy's philosophy, for true happiness, and to grow closer to God, one needs not only aspiration but fewer desires.
Before I learned that true fulfillment comes from these efforts of self-improvement and from blessings of the Master, I developed the delusional perspective that true happiness was the act of sitting around having a few drinks with friends or family. There is a difference. But in order to learn that difference, one must be blessed. And I feel that I have been blessed. Because of the Divine Embrace I experienced—which anybody can experience—beginning when I was about seventeen, I realized that happiness is a state of mind and doesn't have anything to do with enjoying alcohol or some other substance. And more recently, despite all my struggles, I have come to appreciate the beauty within the pain. The Wind's Divine Melody is how I was able to develop this spiritual perspective, and now I hope to provide this blessing to my daughter. I hope you enjoy and learn something from my long spiritual journey.
Perhaps you need something more than meditation to tame the ego and become one with your true self. If so, then for me I needed a Wind's Divine Melody—a 15-year-long and still counting ordeal of specious accusations and misjudgments from others while I try to help my daughter and try to improve myself (and often fail); a Dark Night of the Soul—a holy darkness during which you sense the absence of spiritual consolations —what I call spiritual dryness—which included, for me at least, an inability to meditate; and blows of the Master—humiliating blows administered upon me through inner communication with my Master, which were very difficult to just accept as though he were giving me a flower. (Although, that list is not exhaustive.)
As Sri Chinmoy once said, "Our weaknesses come forward so that we can strengthen them." Yes, this adversity, these tests, and even my life before the Embrace, brought my weaknesses to the fore. And indeed, I have been strengthening them, although I have also endured many failures. But perhaps failure is not a kind of end result but more like a teacher helping us to get better and better.
"To achieve realization a dying to the old self, the ego, is necessary."
— Mother Meera


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Teracopy Pro 3.26 bugs
Having just upgraded from 2.3 to 3.26, I have found a few bugs that are quite annoying. I can't find any specific place to post bug reports, so I chose this place. I hope that's okay.
1.) Once I've Added a folder to Favorites, trying to Remove it again from Favorites causes the program to crash every time.
2.) The moving progress bar is completely faulty and pointless. On large copy actions the apparent copy speed rises constantly and the graph follows. The copy speed in the top of the window seems to be correct though:
The state of the copy function after maybe an hour of copying: The top 37 MB/s is probably correct at that specific time, but the 52.17GB/s, the 30 minutes time remaining, and the graph are all wrong.
Maybe another hour later: Again, the top 22 MB/s is probably correct but the 111GB/s, the 22 minutes time remaining, and the graph are all wrong.
I realize Time Remaining can be a bit tricky, so I'm not too bothered about that one being constantly incorrect (although I would have thought that some sort of average copy speed divided by remaining data should yield fairly accurate results) but the graph being faulty is a definite bug :)

subset: commoncrawl


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- My So-Called Life (Pi... - #1 »
- Dancing in the Dark - #2 »
- Guns and Gossip - #3 »
- Father Figures - #4 »
- The Zit - #5 »
- The Substitute - #6 »
- Why Jordan Can't Read - #7 »
- Strangers in the Hous... - #8 »
- Halloween - #9 »
- Other People's Daught... - #10 »
- Life of Brian - #11 »
- Self-Esteem - #12 »
- Pressure - #13 »
- On the Wagon - #14 »
- So-Called Angels - #15 »
- Resolutions - #16 »
- Betrayal - #17 »
- Weekend - #18 »
- In Dreams Begin Respo... - #19 »
cool stuff on ebay!!
Looking for "My So-Called Life" items or willing to part with one?
Forum rules
Please note that we will delete all requests or offers for illegal bootleg copies of the show or bonus materials.
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9 posts • Page 1 of 1
cool stuff on ebay!!
Hey guys....if you are looking to collect more MSCL stuff, check out ebay ASAP. I would buy some myself, but I won't be here long enough to send payment and everything. =( Oh well! =)
Oh yeah, search both WITH the dash ("so-called") and without (so called)...
I mock you with my monkey pants
Signed T-shirt on ebay
Thanks, Tracey! There's a really cool signed t-shirt by the entire cast and they wrote some pretty cool stuff! It's also the first time I 've seen all the signatures of the cast. It's pretty expensive but if you don't buy, you can still take a look, right? I couldn't make out some of what Devon G. and Tom Irwin wrote, anyone see what they wrote?
Auction off in a day or so.
I have that shirt.
It's a pre-print, but it's still cool. I'll have to get it out when I get home to see the specifics...
You know, with your <font color=red>hair</font color=red> like that? It hurts to look at you.
What it says...
Tom Irwin: You guys are the best! He affirmed firmly....what?
Devon Gummersall: Thank you for a wonderful "life"
(wonderful is upside down)
Re: I have that shirt.
Mia, you have a "print" of that shirt? With all the stuff written on it? How do I get
Your best buddy, Jack
Re: I have that shirt.
You know what would be fun? We need to make our own shirt. I mean, heck, we made a cd (soon to be two)...a shirt should be no problem! =)
the one who is leaving for France one day...
I mock you with my monkey pants
Re: I have that shirt.
That's a brilliant idea! I say we do it!
"When you mock me with your monkey pants, it hurts to look at you"
Bogus, dude
What she meant was the signatures on the shirt are pre-printed. The cast must have signed a large thick piece of paper, which was scanned in and then multiple shirts were screened from it.
I was actually the one with the winning bid on the shirt. However I was under the impression the signatures were real. It doesn't state they are pre-printed in the auction list. So I revoked my bid. If any of you would like to purchase it (she won't sell less than $100), you can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.com.
Re: Bogus, dude
Soma, thanks for the info. It would be nice to have that shirt, but not for $100.
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A B.C. Supreme Court judge has granted a stay of proceedings in a theft and fraud case that he says would have taken more than three years to conclude after charges were laid.
Justice Robert Johnston says the defence is responsible for six months of the delay, but he also blamed the Crown for what he called an unreasonably long wait for a trial date.
The case involves investment adviser Charles Dass, who was accused of defrauding three sets of complainants, including a family that invested $300,000 with him, between January 2000 and December 2007.
The first complaint against Dass was made to the RCMP in Port Alberni in March 2007 but he was not charged until June 2013.
A written ruling released Monday says Dass's trial was set to conclude in early September 2016, almost 39 months after a myriad of delays.
Johnston suggested a "culture of complacency" was involved in derailing the preliminary trial by nine months though he says it should have been a straightforward process.
The Canadian Press


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Life of Pi (2012)
Directed by Ang Lee
Starring: Suraj Sharma, Irrfan Khan
A young man (Sharma) is lost at sea following a disaster that took everything he had. Now he's drifting at sea with a Bengal tiger who he begins to bond with. Now he's forced to face the reality of his situation and also contemplate the meaning of what has happened.
This movie is based on the book of the same name written by Yann Martel that was published in 2001. The film adaptation comes from the director Ang Lee. Lee is an Oscar-winning director behind films like Brokeback Mountain and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The star of the film is Suraj Sharma, who made his acting debut with this role. The film also includes Irrfan Khan (Slumdog Millionaire), Adil Hussain (Lessons in Forgetting), and Rafe Spall (Prometheus).
This is an amazing movie from a visual standpoint. The Ang Lee touch is evident as he seems to paint each scene with immense detail and wonderful colors. The camera work comes together nicely with the coloring to really make every scene feel magical.
The acting in this movie really surprised me. I wasn't too familiar with any of the names in the film. Each of the actors did a great job. The biggest surprise of the film is the young Suraj Sharma, who brought the whole film to life. He displayed a ton of skill and really made this a great film. For much of the movie he was the only actor on the screen, and he managed to keep the emotion going in amazing ways. I wouldn't be surprised to see him on the list of nominees for some very big awards this winter.
This movie has a very powerful set of themes that it attempts to address. The essence of spirituality and religion flows throughout the story in a beautiful way. In the end I was left with a lot of questions and a lot to think about. These aren't the type of questions that hurt a film, the movie was intended to make viewers think. Between the powerful visuals and these thought-provoking themes, this movie is a wonderful work of art.
This might not be the movie for everyone. The story is very tragic and the message is very deep. There is a redeeming quality to the film that comes from these moments and the messages being delivered. For anyone who likes cerebral films, this one should be on your list to see. It's a powerful experience and if you can see it in 3-D it's even more impressive as a visual work. I give this one 4.8 out of 5 stars.


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PAX – show of hands
So, who all here in town is headed down to Seattle for the Penny Arcade Exp…
…sorry, what? Oh, right. Vancouver angle. There's a good one – this year, local Lovecrafty rockers, The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets are playing at the Penny Arcade Expo! It's been a long trip since they played in an arcade parking lot in Burnaby for a proto-PAX Necrowombicon, but they've…
…what? Yes, I realize it largely gibberish. Hang on, I'll see if I can help a bit.
So, there's a web comic called Penny Arcade, which some, as I do, find hilarious. It's creators have grown it into a yearly convention, attended by 40K+ people, called, The Penny Arcade Expo. There's lots of video games, board games, games games, panels about gaming, panels about web comics, and a concert, with performances by people like Jonathan Coulton, Freezepop, and The Thickets.
Little known fact is that PAX (the expo, short form) started as a fan gathering called Necrowombicon (for reasons I do not remember, nor will you care) here in Vancouver. Or, more accurately, Burnaby, thanks to things like hotels hooked up to malls with big arcades. The Thickets, as mentioned, played one of those gatherings. In a parking lot. It rocked.
More Vancouver ties, Vancouver companies, such as Hothead Games (who worked with Penny Arcade to produce their recently released video game) will be there, or are at least sponsors.
Which brings me full circle – I'm going. I would like to see The Thickets rock thousands of people. I want to meet Wil Wheaton. I want to meet Felica Day. I want to meet the Ecto-1 from Ghostbusters (whom/which I will marry and run away with – if I'm turned down, Felicia Day is my second choice. I don't know if Wheaton is my alternate third – we'll see how it goes day-of.)
So, surely others from Vancouver are going? Anyone? I'm not there Friday, but I'll be there Saturday and Sunday, most likely helping man the Thickets merch table… because I promised.
Or is everyone going to Bumbershoot instead?
[UPDATE] Triangle Productions (as you may have spotted in the comments – you do read the comments don't you?) will be at PAX and posting some video here. So if you can't be there, keep an eye out there for vids. Then start saving for next year.


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NEODUR PFM-ZE grau
- Home
- Products
- NEODUR PFM-ZE grau
NEODUR PFM-ZE pavement joint mortar is a factory-produced dry mortar acc. to DIN 18557 on the basis of cement and natural sand (0-2 mm) with additives to improve the properties of the mortar. Frost and deicer resistant acc. to CDF. Low chromate content acc. to TRGS 613. Non-combustible (A1) acc. to DIN 4102.
NEODUR PFM-ZE is used for the new pointing of natural stone and concrete sett paving, linear paving and gutters in bound construction for construction classes IV to VI.
|grain size
|0-2 mm
|grey/light grey
|compressive strength
|> 50 N/mm²
|tensile strength
|> 7 N/mm²
Basically, the current technical data sheet refers.


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This Holiday🎄
Give the Gift of #Art 🎁
#Prints and #Originals for Every Budget! 🎨
Visit the Treasure Room & Showcase Galleries for The Marvelous Land of Make Believe Children's Book Illustrators Exhibit until January 8, 2020. 6 talented artists on display.
To make a purchase, please contact: Tracey Del Duca at (212) 870-3804, firstname.lastname@example.com or Jennifer Roberts at (646) 377-8387, firstname.lastname@example.com.


text: GRANO. Joan (Phelps) Grano, 65, of Hebron, formerly of Wethersfield, wife of Joseph J. Grano, Sr. died Wednesday (March 6, 1996) at home in Hebron. Born in Hartford, she lived in Wethersfield for most of her life before moving to Hebron 13 years ago. Prior to her retirement, she was employed as the deli manager at Shop-Rite in Wethersfield and at one time was the hat check girl at the Hearthstone Restaurant in Hartford. Besides her husband, she is survived by six sons, Joseph J. Grano, Jr. of New Vernon, NJ, Nicholas Grano of Windsor, VT, William Grano of Hebron, Rodger Grano of Hebron, Christopher Grano of Hebron, Clint Grano of Hebron; a sister, Diane Perry of Old Lyme; and 12 grandchildren. The funeral is today March 8, 9 a.m. from the D'Esopo Funeral Chapel, 277 Folly Brook Blvd., Wethersfield with a Mass of Christian Burial, 10 a.m., St. Augustine's Church, 10 Campfield Ave., Hartford. Burial will be in Cedar Hill Cemetery, Hartford.


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This vintage macrame plant hanger is sure to add some boho chic to any space. Basket included for free!
It's come to this, we're naming macrame. Why did we name it? To differentiate it from its cousins, of course! (All our vintage macrame will be named after the shop owner's cousins, who will no doubt be thrilled.)
Length: approx. 40"
Planter/Cache Pot: approx. 5" high, 6" wide at top, 4" wide at base
Material: (This is a best guess, as it's difficult to determine on vintage!): Cotton blend


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Eric Schmidt, Google's chairman and former longtime CEO, will testify before Congress on September 21 and is expected to be questioned by lawmakers about the company's business practices.
The date of Schmidt's appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee's antitrust subcommittee was released today, setting up what will likely be one of the most crucial Capitol Hill showdowns in the company's history.
Google has attracted a lot of unwanted attention in Washington in recent months. Earlier this year, Google lawyer Kent Walker faced tough questions about accusations that the search company profited from online piracy and counterfeiting. Lawmakers have also raised concerns about Google's privacy practices, notably the company's collection of Wi-Fi data from its Street View cars.
In an exclusive story this week, CNET reported that the cars were supposed to collect the locations of Wi-Fi access points, but Google also recorded the street addresses and unique identifiers of computers and other devices using those wireless networks and then made the data publicly available through Google.com until a few weeks ago.
The main purpose of Schmidt's appearance will be to answer questions about the company's huge share of the search market and whether the company uses that to stifle competition. In June, Google said that it had received a subpoena from the Federal Trade Commission as part of an investigation into Google's business practices.
Google had offered to send one of its lawyers but subcommittee members specifically requested that either Schmidt or Google CEO and co-founder Larry Page testify. Google has seemed reluctant to show up at some of the congressional hearings in which executives have been invited to appear. In February, members of another Senate Judiciary subcommittee investigating online piracy and counterfeiting were miffed when Google did not appear before them.
Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) said not only was he disappointed that Google didn't show, but he suggested he would use the committee's subpoena power to compel representatives to testify at future hearings on the issue.


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26 August – 3 September
Portlaoise, Portlaoise, County Laois, Ireland
The Kiki Theatre & Performance Group are proud to present
The Kiki Origami Festival! The festival will run from Saturday, August 26th until Sunday, September 3rd.
This is a great event, not to be missed. We'll have something for everyone, for people of all ages and abilities.


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Bernie Madoff Gets Sh*t Beat Out Of Him
Bernie Madoff was treated for "facial fractures, broken ribs and a collapsed lung" earlier this week that prison officials will not confirm was the result of a brawl in the yard but that sources say were "consistent with an assault." This comes as a shock as we were under the impression Berns could hold his own in a fight, and that his boys (the "homosexual posse") had his back. Anyway, we need a few more answers namely:
* Who did this to him?
* What sparked the argument?
* Who threw the first punch?
* Were the phrases "I'll eat your asshole," "I'll fuck you 'til you love me," "I'll fuck your ass in front of everybody," or "You wouldn't last two minutes in my world, white boy" uttered?


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First signs of spring showing earlier
WASHINGTON - Each spring, the robins are arriving in Wisconsin several days earlier than they did a decade ago. Endangered woodpeckers in North Carolina are laying their eggs about a week earlier than they did 20 years ago. And some of Washington, D.C.'s signature cherry trees bloom about a month earlier than they did a half-century ago.
The first signs of spring are appearing earlier in the year, and a new study from Stanford University released Monday says man-made global warming is clearly to blame.
Mother Nature has rushed spring forward by nearly 10 days worldwide, on average, in just 30 years, the study shows.
What this means, biologists say, is that the global environment is changing so fast that the slow evolutionary process of species adaptation can't keep up. Early-arriving birds could crowd out birds that migrate only in longer daylight, leaving them insufficient food. Early blossoming flowers - such as the columbine - could be wiped out by spring snowstorms.
"What we're really concerned about is this tearing apart of communities; some species are going to be changing, and some are not," said study co-author Terry Root, an ecologist at Stanford's Center for Environmental Science and Policy.
The peer-reviewed study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, statistically links global warming from the burning of fossil fuels to signs of early spring at detailed local levels for the first time.
Stanford scientists examined 41 giant grids - each about 150 miles wide by 150 miles long - and looked at 130 species of birds, animals, trees and other plants that showed significant changes in springtime activity. On a global average, signs of spring appear 9.6 days earlier than they did 30 years ago. Europe's spring moved ahead 15 days, while North America's has advanced six days, on average. But areas north of 45 degrees north latitude - from Maine to Washington state - saw spring species arriving more than 13 days earlier.
In some parts of the United States, spring seems to be in an awful hurry.
Common grackles now descend on Michigan's Upper Peninsula an average of 46 days earlier than they did 26 years ago. The marmot - the nation's largest hibernating mammal - wakes up in Colorado 42 days earlier on average than it did 17 years ago.
More than 80 percent of the species studied are showing signs of early spring, Root said.
"What is of concern is the disruption of the bonds of nature," Root said, noting that every four years the robins' arrival in Michigan advances by one day. "That's really quite a change."
This is the equivalent of a canary tweeting in a coalmine, said Paul Green, a scientist at the National Audubon Society who wasn't involved in the study. "Birds are natural indicators of climate change or environmental change. We need to sit up and take notice."
This has all happened while average global temperatures have risen about 1 degree Fahrenheit over the past 30 years. The consensus of mainstream climate scientists is that temperatures will rise another 4 to 10 degrees over the next century, Root said.
Duke University ecologist Norman Christensen, who didn't work on the study, said the Stanford research seems to show what biologists see when they go into the woods and swamps.
"For a lot of us who work in the field a lot, there's sort of an anecdotal sense that this (start of spring) has changed considerably," he said. "In the 30 years that I've been looking at forests in the Southeast, spring tends to come a little earlier."
Root and Stanford colleague Stephen Schneider used the top global-climate computer model to look at local temperature changes as well as animal and plant changes.
Using a variety of statistical formulas, they mathematically attributed 50 percent of the species changes to man-made global warming. Another 5 percent were due to natural climate warming stemming from volcanoes and increased solar activity.
Schneider said the localized nature of the study, as well as the mathematical correlations, should help answer questions from the minority of scientific dissenters who don't see global warming as man-made or a problem. Those dissenters say temperature figures on the ground and city heat distort measurements of global warming, while satellite data don't show significant heating.
"This jumps over the whole argument of flaws of instrumental records," Schneider said. "The plants and animals seem to think there's warming. That can't be an accident."


text: Most customers will make a judgment of your establishment based on their initial impression of the cleanliness of both the interior and exterior of your business. San Marcos has highly trained workforce who stop at nothing to deliver unrivaled bank janitorial services to the people who matter most in your business – your customers. We understand that a bank's brand is essential in customer acquisition and retention and that a branch's cleanliness is vital in supporting its brand loyalty. Hiring Servicecorp Cleaning Systems of Austin ensures all branches have a consistent look and image no matter what the size or region. We have built a longstanding relationships with financial institutions in the San Marcos area based on our strong work ethic and impeccable quality record.


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NBC: 'A Firestorm of Outrage from Women After a Crude Tirade from Rush Limbaugh'
Serving as the arm of MSNBC which actually has a significant audience, Thursday's NBC Nightly News promoted a left-wing effort to impugn and silence Rush Limbaugh. "A firestorm of outrage from women after a crude tirade from Rush Limbaugh and as the battle over birth control takes another turn," anchor Brian Williams ominously teased his newscast.
Picking up a crusade pushed all day by MSNBC, Williams warned "some may find some of the comments in this next story offensive." He claimed "there is a growing firestorm over comments made by Rush Limbaugh," about a woman, Sandra Fluke, who testified in favor of forcing her Catholic college to pay for her contraception, and so "a lot of women are expressing their outrage."
Reporter Anne Thompson framed her story through a liberal prism: "What began as a debate over religious freedom has devolved into what some call a 'war on women.'"


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YWCA Hamilton Schedules
Find a class, event, program or workshop!
To learn more about the programs, services and events offered across our department areas check out our schedule below.
1. Choose the Department by the colour blocks.
2. Use our filter bar below to narrow down your search. You may filter by Department, Programs, Date/Time.
3. Still can't find your program or event? Try using our search bar below.
Note: Our schedule is a work in progress. Check back soon as we continue to add programming across all department areas.
Balance, Core & More- Zoom- Summer- For All Genders
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13 July 2021 at 12:30 pm - 1:15 pm
An event every week that begins at 12:30 pm on Tuesday, repeating until 28 September 2021
One event on 2 July 2021 at 10:30 am
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Strengthen your balance, core and more as you move through varied exercises that include standing, chair and mat options.


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Are you driving headlong from Houston to Austin without pausing along the way? Stop! Get off the clock. You're missing too much. From Houston and Interstate 10, take Highway 71 at Columbus and travel toward the renowned Texas Hill Country.
Things to Do
7 Must-Do Stops on the Road Between Houston and Austin
1. Make your first layover at the Quirky Country Market.
Photo: Facebook/Quirky Country Market
You'll want to tour this peculiar place. The aerial view gives a broad glimpse but from ground level, the vision is more like a jumble of mishmash. Solar panels and odd gadgets are strewn about the area.
If you're lucky, owner Dan Brectch will show you his off-the-grid home. The 1,400-square-foot, comfortable, residential space behind the commercial retail area has no utility bills. In fact, everything built on this location is off-the-grid. All power is generated by solar.
Dan collects rainwater in a water barn that holds two 5,000 gallon swimming pools. Dan and his wife bought the property in 2005, began construction in 2007, and opened in 2011. He expands his business daily. Summer hours are Saturday and Sunday. If you want an unusual gift, yard art, or just some plain old quirky fun, you must include a visit to this establishment.
2. Indulge in a kolache or two.
Photo: Facebook/Hruska's Bakery
The second stop gives you an opportunity to stretch your legs. Hruska's in Ellinger is a short distance from the Quirky Country Market. Everyone enjoys a delicious burger, kolache, or cookie. This famous bakery uses hundreds of pounds of flour each week for their various kolaches. Browse through the gift center after you sample the baked goodies. Wine is next.
3. Don't forget the wine!
The third target of interest is Rosemary's. The vineyard and winery sit off to the right about five miles past Ellinger and Hruska's, but if you blink, you'll miss it. Slow down when you see the Fayette Electric Plant's smoke stacks.


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As hierarchical institutions begin to lose their grip on our culture, a great many things we used to take for granted are now up in the air. This is a permanent fruit of what Jay Rosen calls "the Great Horizontal," and we really have no idea where it's taking us. Our culture is based upon hierarchical layers of "expertise," some of it licensed by the state. This produces order, which Henry Adams called "the dream of man."
It also produces elites, the governing class, those who call the shots for others not so fortunate as to occupy the higher altitudes. This is the 1% against which the occupiers bring their protests, their dis-order.
We used to think that elites and hierarchical order were necessary for the well-being of all, but that idea is being challenged as knowledge — the protected source of power (and elevation) — is being spread sideways along the Great Horizontal. It's not that we're so much smarter than we used to be; it's that the experts don't seem so "expert" anymore, because the knowledge that gave them their status isn't protected today. Anybody can access it with the touch of a finger.
This is giving institutions fits, and each one is fighting for its very life against the inevitable flattening that's taking place. Medicine wants no part of smart and informed patients and neither does the insurance industry. The legal world scoffs at the notion that they're in it for themselves as they occupy legislatures and create the laws that work on their behalf. Higher education increasingly touts the campus experience over what's being learned, because they all know that the Web has unlimited teaching capacity. Government needs its silos to sustain its bureaucracy, but the Great Horizontal cuts across them all.
And then there's the media, which brings me to The Poynter Institute.
Exercising its position as the arbiter of institutional journalistic ethics, Poynter publicly chided one of its most valuable treasures, Jim Romenesko, over what it called "incomplete attribution" of some of his source material. That's their way of saying he failed to put quotes around some pieces of copy that were lifted from the articles for which he was providing links. That's what Romenesko has done for Poynter since 1999 — provide links to content about journalism that he felt was worth reading. He's held in high esteem by most within the profession, and has received nearly unanimous support over the suggestion — not an actual accusation — that he was practicing plagiarism. Romenesko didn't just drive traffic to websites; he had his eye on the cutting edge of the institutional changes hammering journalism. His RSS feed has been in my reader since he first provided one. Before that, it was a newsletter.
Romenesko was going to retire at the end of the year, but after the public hand slap from his employer, he resigned this week. He said his heart was "no longer in the job." I don't blame him a bit.
Plagiarism, to be sure, is a serious ethical issue for journalism. By failing to provide quotation marks, wrote Poynter editor Julie Moos, those sections "may appear to belong to Jim when they in fact belong to another."
"We are in uncharted territory, marked by uncertainty, which suggests caution. We will continue to evaluate this situation and to be as transparent as possible about what we learn and decide."
Integrity isn't determined by pedantic adherence to a set of rules. That's the bedrock of hierarchical order, where he who is in charge makes the rules. Integrity is a complex (honesty, truthfulness, accuracy) but simple internal character attribute, the virtue of which lies in its consistency. The problem comes in judging it entirely on external appearances, for it's the full weight of a person's heart that determines integrity. From my limited view, Jim Romenesko hasn't a dishonest bone in his body and is respected for his integrity, so this harsh and public suggestion is based on the "appearance" of hypocrisy. As it turns out, Poynter says they were reacting to an inquiry by a reporter from the Columbia Journalism Review, so they acted to spank Romenesko publicly ahead of what they expected would be a "look what I found" piece from the CJR. If that's indeed the case, it's especially pathetic.
But Jim Romenesko isn't Poynter's problem. The organization's real conundrum is that it has no choice but to defend the indefensible, journalistic poppycock disguised as the self-governance of an institution in disruption. As a non-profit organization, Poynter must raise funds from a variety of people and organizations, and those who feel under attack are more likely to give a buck than those who aren't. It's why every 501.c.3 has an "enemy" that they must overcome and why they deal with crises four times a year.
Here's a line from the fundraising section of the Poynter site:
Your support of Poynter makes clear your belief that the work of our democracy is too complex and too important for us to be informed by anything less than the very best journalism we can get.
I don't question the sincerity of those who believe this, but it's extremely narrow and represents only those who benefit from what it preaches — a group of "qualified" elites who, by virtue of their supreme knowledge, training and skill, are able to figure things out for us poor, stupid morons from main street. It rings hollow, because the people it's supposed to serve stopped trusting in it in the mid 70s, and now many more people distrust the press than have any faith in it at all. It's the stuff of the 1%, which the whole occupy movement is resisting, a hegemony that greases the wheels of those who manipulate it so that it can remain atop its self-created pedestal.
This doesn't do the institution of journalism a lick of good, but it's wonderful fundraising fodder. One of the complaints that the pros have about so-called "amateur" journalism is its sloppiness when it comes to the sacred canons, so Poynter is in the inevitable position — as defenders of the canons — to ALWAYS act on their behalf and avoid even the appearance of a violation. It finds itself between a rock and a hard place here, unable to bring the enemy of common sense into any argument.
If Poynter was really concerned about the future of journalism, it would take the lead in its reinvention. That is impossible, however, if your core funding mission is the protection of the crumbling status quo.
Most of the stuff I've read from Poynter has come through Jim Romenesko. Now that he's gone, I've deleted the RSS feed to make room for the one from jimromenesko.com.
I can't imagine I'm alone.


text:
For some reason after running
apt-get upgrades, and maybe a few other things happened in between, on my installation of Kubuntu 15.04, KDE had stopped working the way it should. It started with a crash and the screen turned black. Visible was only the mouse cursor which I could move, and IM Contacts which I could move too. Unfortunately I was unable to start any other program from within it, there was no panel, nor could I Alt+F2 to open anything through a command.
After looking around, and installing a whole bunch of other Desktop Environments (DE) which for the most part had other issues I didn't like, I managed to fix it.
By removing everything in
~/.cache/ and
~/.kde/, you basically are cleaning up and starting fresh. A reboot and it worked for me.
Note: well, not completely, in between I also purged my kubuntu-desktop with
apt-get purge kubuntu-desktop and reinstalled
apt-get install --no-install-recommends kubuntu-desktop, but I question if this was necessary at all.
DISTRIB_DESCRIPTION="Ubuntu 15.04"
VERSION="15.04 (Vivid Vervet)"
PRETTY_NAME="Ubuntu 15.04"
Try wiping cache:
$ rm -rf ~/.cache
Try installing
unity-lens-applications and
unity-lens-files relog:
$ sudo apt-get install unity-lens-applications unity-lens-files
alt+# does not work in Unity/Gnome
Issue is gnome-terminal has shortcuts which use the same combination to switch between terminal tabs. By disabling these, your commands will pass through to irssi/weechat and they will work properly.
Edit-> Preferences, navigate to
shortcuts tab and locate
Switch to Tab %d, [1~10]. Clicking on the shortcut and hitting
backspace will disable the shortcut.
Got comments or issues with what I wrote? Please let me know by submitting an issue with the blog title :)


text:
DOWELL, Kenneth Steven - Passed away peacefully at home surrounded by his friends and family on January 7, 2018 at 11:11am at the age of 54, following a courageous battle with brain cancer.
Ken will be forever missed by his sons Quinn and Logan, step-daughter Sarah Davey and their mother Beth Dowell.
Beloved son of Carol Dowell-Gurr and the late Ken Dowell Sr, loving brother to Karen Forrest (Ron) and dear uncle to Eric, Stephanie and Allyson.
Special friend to Rebecca Schumacher and best friend to Jim Burton.
Ken was an avid fisherman and an accomplished guitarist. He was devoted to his music, playing in many bands over the years including Yeseram, The Empty Cases and Void. Ken was most proud of the twelve-string acoustic guitar he built this past summer as well as the electric guitar he built when he was a teenager.
Ken will be fondly remembered by many friends, bandmates and coworkers at Atlantic Lifts. Special thanks to Elwood Ellis for all of his help and support during Ken's illness.
No funeral service will be held as per Ken's request; however, a Celebration of Life will be held in his honour in the near future.
Donations can be made to the Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada or Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre.


text:
$ 29.95
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We don't just care for our bamboo, we care for the soil it grows in, and this "feeding the soil" mentality makes our bamboo some of the healthiest around.


text:
Trump is So Spooked About the Mueller Investigation He is Attacking Hillary Clinton
The signs that the Trump administration and GOP are seriously panicked about FBI's special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into Donald Trump's alleged obstruction of justice are growing by the minute. Newt Gingrich went on a bizarre twitter tirade earlier, darkly warning Trump supporters that the "Deep State" was out in full force to get the president and either depose him or render him completely useless.
But the major signs of panic have come, as per usual, from the Commander in Chief himself in a series of unhinged (even for him) tweets laying into Hillary Clinton for colluding with the Russians, "bleaching" emails (whatever that means) and destroying phones with hammers:
It goes without saying that whatever Trump is trying to get at here is complete and utter bullshit, but the fact that he is trying to relitigate the 2016 election and blame Hillary Clinton for the mess he has created is a sign of how spooked he is about the investigation.
Attacking Hillary Clinton has been the go-to strategy of the Republican Party for decades now, and Trump perfected the misogynistic tactic in the 2016 election. He didn't have to put forward any policies, didn't have to articulate a meaningful vision for the country, didn't have to answer real questions from the media and didn't have to care about basic human deceny. He just had to shout "Lock Her Up" and his legions of rabid supporters, fed on decades of wild conspiracy theories from Fox News and right wing talk radio, lapped it up and propelled him all the way to the White House.
Like a dog who has learned how to beg for treats, Trump is reverting to basic learned behavior in a time of crisis. He knows this is bad. Very, very bad. As Slate's Mark Stern noted:
This aggressive shift toward Trump associates' personal dealings is disastrous news for the president, his allies, and his enablers. At long last, federal investigators will probe Trump's sprawling network for wrongdoing, picking up where reporters left off, only this time with subpoena power. And Trump can only stop them by firing Mueller—a blatant obstruction of justice that would likely be more damaging than any crime the president may have committed in the past.
Expect more attacks on Hillary Clinton as the investigation continues. Trump is an expert at creating chaos and misdirection, and he'll use every trick in his limitlessly vile arsenal to squirm his way out of it. But this time it almost certainly won't work, and he and everyone around him knows it.


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IndyCar drivers would welcome back Juan Pablo Montoya
SONOMA, Calif.If Juan Pablo Montoya returns to IndyCar next year, he'll get a warm welcome from the drivers he'll have to beat.
Michael Andretti is looking for sponsors for an IndyCar ride for Montoya, who is leaving Chip Ganassi's NASCAR team. Montoya says he hasn't decided where he's going next, but several drivers at Sonoma Raceway think he belongs back in American open-wheel racing, which left in 2001 for Formula One, followed by an underwhelming foray into NASCAR.
"It would be nice to see him with a smile on his face," said Dario Franchitti, a longtime teammate who drives for Ganassi's IndyCar team.
MORE:Dario Franchitti takes IndyCar pole at Sonoma Raceway
Montoya spent the past seven years in NASCAR, winning just twice in 239 starts with Ganassi teams. Yet the 37-year-old Colombian still is widely considered an elite driving talent, and he had his best years in open-wheel racing.
Franchitti has been racing against Montoya since even before their days in CART more than a decade ago, and the Scot has teamed with Montoya at the Rolex 24 Hours of Daytona.
"I think it would be great for the series, and I think it would be great for Juan Pablo, if he wants to do it," said Franchitti, who's on the pole for Sunday's IndyCar race in Northern California wine country.
"I know how good a driver he is," Franchitti added. "I'd like to think, coming back here, he would get his motivation back and put a smile on his face. I would love to see it happen. He's definitely got the hunger, and I think he's at the stage of his life and his career that he's only going to do something that he wants and he can enjoy."
That something just might be IndyCar, which could use his talent and star power — and Andretti is trying to make it happen for his former opponent. Ryan Hunter-Reay would likely be Montoya's teammate at Andretti Motorsport, if sponsors can be found.
"I think having Montoya in the series, or in the team, would be good," Hunter-Reay said. "I'm open to it. I haven't heard anything about it, (but) I think he'd be great for the series. He's one of the top talents in the world, and it would be great to race against him."
Montoya is exploring his options as a free agent. While he might be able to land another NASCAR ride, Montoya recently acknowledged that his "heart has always been in open wheel" even during his NASCAR career.
Franchitti and fellow Ganassi driver Scott Dixon are confident Montoya still has the passion necessary to win championships, particularly behind the wheels of his favorite cars.
"I think you kind of cross that line at some point in your life, and you wake up and you just can't be bothered," Dixon said. "You can definitely see that's not what's happening with Juan. I would definitely welcome it. I've been teammates with him for seven, eight years now. He's a good friend and a good person, and if he does decide to make that move, we would welcome him back with open arms."
Montoya won 11 races in CART for Ganassi in 1999 and 2000, including the Indianapolis 500 in his second year.
Andretti is still waiting to finalize its lineup while figuring out the future of James Hinchcliffe, the breakout three-time IndyCar winner this season. Andretti must lock down Hinchcliffe's sponsorship from GoDaddy before deciding its future — and Hinchcliffe is currently able to negotiate with other teams.
But Andretti has said he could even run five cars next season if Hinchcliffe returns and he finds sponsorship for Montoya. Although Montoya could be an immediate title contender in IndyCar with the right team and backing, his fellow drivers are eager to see what he could do in optimal conditions.
"I get to see what he's capable of at Daytona 24 Hours every year," Franchitti said. "I know how good he is, so it would be great to see him back."


text:
MR11 LED Lamps Feature:
• Warm white color, 2900K temperature
• Operating voltage between 8v-24v
• CRI of Ra>80
• 50,000 hour life span
• Ambient operating temperature from -32°F to 162°F, -36°C to 72°C
• EMI Filter
Do you know?
The 11 in MR11 means that the diameter of an MR11 lamp is 11 increments of 1/8".
4 watt, 175 lumens
Flood, 45 degree


text:
Source: etsy.com via Suzanne MacCrone Rogers on Pinterest
"Coco Chanel, famed fashion designer and feminine icon, was a homophobe, an anti-Semite & a Nazi collaborator."
Does it matter? "A lot of people in this world don't want the iconic figure of Gabrielle Coco Chanel, one of France's great cultural idols, destroyed. This is definitely something that a lot of people would have preferred to put aside, to forget, to just go on selling Chanel scarves and jewelry."
For more: "Chanel and the Nazis: what Coco Avant Chanel and other films don't tell you". The Times (London)
Coco Chanel, she of Audrey Tatou's sad and limpid eyes, was what was known post WW2 as a "horizontal collaborator."
To be fair, many, many (even progressive) folks back then had all kinds of casually prejudiced attitudes. Via Reddit: "I don't mean to be contrarian, but wasn't everybody born in 1883 a homophobe and an antisemite?" Read the rest of the discussion at Reddit, here.
That said, to be an active Nazi collaborator (she tried to get the Nazis to help steal Chanel No. 5 from its Jewish owners during wartime) goes well beyond this.
Full story at Wikipedia: read it up, here.
So was Hugo Boss.
Not to mention, and far more recently, Mr. John Galliano.
Here's our kind of response to prejudice, from back then, via J.R.R. Tolkien.


text:
You are visitor number: 2400
Introduction & Bio
Thanks for visiting my website. I appreciate your presence and look forward to seeing you again. My work is truly a gift and also a phenomenon in many ways. I've seen over the years that the best way to make a living for myself is to do what I love. I created this website as a vessel to help myself and others. Enjoy
BeUpOne (Bio)
I started my music (Rap/Hip Hop) career in 1990. I originated a Rap Group called First Amendment, Straight Out of Inglewood CA. In 1993 I started my solo career. And I have been at it since. I am more known on the Underground market. However I have worked with ton's of mainstream artist also. In 2002 I created and launched BeUpOne Entertainment in association with other companies specializing in business, sales, marketing, distribution, film, Music, writing, poetry, artist management and many other forms of entertainment and business. My plan is to take myself to higher heights by helping others get to higher ground. And on this MOUNTAIN we will overcome our errors and allow ourselves to become TRUE overseers of the EARTH. I am a man of many thoughts so take your time and check out the website. I will also be adding new pages that will range in different topics and subjects. Just keep checking for me time to time. When I start creating I usually create an overload of good tidings. To balance all of the BS. Yep Yep with LOVE.


text:
Alex Carpenter
fired a 6-under-par 30 on the back nine Saturday at Shoal Creek to come charging through the field and capture the 104th Southern Amateur Championship.
Carpenter, who will be a sophomore at Abilene Christian University this fall, edged Patrick Cantlay by one shot and fellow overnight leader Blayne Barber by three. The Little Rock, Ark., native shot rounds of 70-67-70-66 --272, 16-under-par.
Cantlay, from Los Alamitos, Calif., and who will be a freshman at UCLA, shot 66-68-71-68--273.
Carpenter entered the final round two shots back of Cantlay, Barber and University of Alabama rising junior Bud Cauley. He made the turn in 35, 1-under par after making three birdies and two bogeys, but he then caught fire coming home with birdies on Nos. 10, 11, 14 and 16 before draining a 65-foot eagle putt on No. 17 to take the lead for good.
He almost added another birdie on 18, but his putt lipped out.
"It feels absolutely awesome to win against a field full of amazing players," said Carpenter. "And to share it with my dad, who caddied for me, was extra special."
The Carpenters are quite the golfing family. Alex and his twin brother Adam both play on the golf team at Abilene Christian, while younger brother Luke is a star player in high school. Alex was awarded the Phil Mickelson Award recently, recognizing him as the top golfer in Division II. The three Carpenter brothers were part of four straight state high school titles at Little Rock's Arkansas Baptist.
Carpenter was in awe of some of his competition in the Southern Amateur, but not intimidated.
"I mean, I've seen them in magazines and some of them on TV," he said.
The win gets Carpenter a trip to next year's Arnold Palmer Invitational on the PGA Tour.
Cantlay gave it his best shot, right down to his final shot on No. 18. To force a playoff, though, he had to hole out from 140 yards for eagle. He missed the eagle try but birdied the hole to come up one stroke short.
"I played well, but Alex played better," Cantlay said. "He shot 30 on the back to beat me. This (week) has been a great learning experience and I'll take a lot from it."


text:
Currently Listening To: Till the World Ends Remix, by Britney Spears. Nicki Manaj, and Ke$ha.
"Keep on dancing, till the world ends…"
I guess if you substitute "writing" with "dancing" that would sum up my mood right now.
The last time I touched the documents on my laptop related to a work in progress was back in April. Now it's August and I have a new drive to write something.
I don't know if it's related to stuff I've seen during that hiatus, or it's this dark chocolate gelato drink I have…but whatever it is, it's working!


text:
Entry updated 18 January 2017. Tagged: Film.
Film (1976). Cine Artists. Directed by Ralph Nelson. Written by Anita Doohan, Jack W Thomas, based on a story by Thomas. Cast includes Barbara Carrera, Rock Hudson, Diane Ladd and Roddy McDowall. 105 minutes. Colour.
In this variation on the Frankenstein theme, an overreaching Scientist (Hudson), while experimenting on a premature foetus with a growth hormone, creates in weeks a fully developed 25-year-old woman (Carrera). She has a virtually blank mind, and the scientist, like Pygmalion, moulds her personality and introduces her into society. The result is an intelligent but morally crippled creature whom he ultimately destroys. Despite its modern hardware, the film is really a reworking of the old Gothic theme – as in the German silent films Homunculus (1916) and Alraune (1928) – about the basic evil of beings who are created by unnatural means and are therefore without souls. It is not a good film. The novelization is Embryo (1976) by Louis Charbonneau. [JB/PN]
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