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I was horsing around with one of my kids last night and she started doing jumping jacks, so I did a jumping jack too and HOLY SHIT NEVER DO JUMPING JACKS. I forgot that, as you grow older, your balls drop lower and lower. And so doing a jumping jack is basically akin to putting two baseballs in a plastic bag, then shaking that plastic bag and watching the balls tear out of the bottom. The testicular recoil is ASTOUNDING. I couldn't move for ten minutes. Jumping jacks are pure evil.
Your letters:
So I went to visit a college friend who lives in a different state. I lost my iPhone there and got a new phone. My buddy found the phone and has had it in his possession for a couple of months. On the phone are couple of videos of my girlfriend giving me a bj.
What are the odds that my buddy has watched/fapped to the videos? Do I now have permanent bragging rights if he beat off to a video with me in it?
Why hasn't he mailed it back to you yet? Shouldn't he have returned it to you immediately? If it had been my friend's phone, I would have mailed it back. Barring that, I probably wouldn't go snooping around in the phone SPECIFICALLY because I wouldn't want to stumble upon a blowjob video. You have to understand what a conflict of interest that is for the common pervert. On the one hand, PORN. On the other hand, hey that's my friend's penis. That's kinda disturbing.
Let's say your friend tells you a story about a wild night he had with some sexy lady. That might give you a mental image of him and the girl having sex, and you might find that a turn-on. But when it comes to fappin' time, what do you do? I'll tell you what most men do: They tag their friend out of the fantasy and jump into the fray themselves. They don't want to keep their friend in the fantasy because then, technically, they're fapping TO their friend, which causes all sorts of conflicted feelings and gay panic.
So my guess is that your friend, hopefully, did the right thing and left your phone alone until you came to retrieve it. But if he was a nosy lady and went looking for trouble, you can bet that he watched that video, turned off the phone, and swapped in his peepee for yours.
After watching the Silva-Sonnen fight, my friends and I came to the topic of knocking out a cow. The question is, can you one-hit quit a heifer? I know you or I would have no chance, but could Mike Tyson in his prime put a cow down? Also, glove vs. no glove is an issue. I think he could do it bare-knuckle, but the cow could take it with a boxing glove on.
Think of it in terms of a boxing match. The average cow weighs 1,660 pounds. Reports of Tyson's prime weight vary between 200-220 pounds. That makes the cow eight times heavier than Tyson. That's a cowweight taking on a heavyweight.
Now imagine if Tyson gave a free punch to someone an eighth of his size. That's a twenty-pounder. That's a two-year-old. That punch isn't gonna drop Tyson. So while I'd like to think that Tyson could pull a Mongo on poor old Bessie, the SCIENTICIAN in me says that the disparity in weight classes makes such a feat unlikely.
HOWEVER, it should be noted that legendary British prison veteran Charles Bronson (the one from that Tom Hardy movie, not the actor) wrote a book about staying fit in jail, and in that book Bronson claims to have knocked out a cow. In fact, that's just one of Bronson's many odd claims:
He flosses his nostrils with twine, cleans out his stomach by swallowing lengths of cloth and pulling them back out of his mouth, and has sufficient muscular control to irrigate his colon by sitting in a bowl of water.
Hamilton Nolan is impressed.
The food at the Jr. High I teach at is atrocious, so most days I pack my lunch. When I'm too lazy to make lunch I usually settle with a crappy salami sandwich. Salami makes my ass reek of rotten eggs and sour milk for about 2 hours after lunch. Holding in a fart is the worst feeling in the world, and middle schoolers are the worst people on the planet, so I just let them rip as I walk through the classroom as punishment for being such little cocksuckers all day.
This got me thinking, who would you like to crop-dust with your salami-farts the most? The Queen of England? Keanu Reeves? The U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team? Or would you rather bask in your own glory and taste it for yourself? Everyone loves their own brand.
Before I answer your question, let me just endorse salami as a regular in your lunch rotation. I'm on a big salami lunch run of late. I buy half a pound of salami and half a pound of provolone at the grocery store and for lunch I like to roll up some of the salami and some of the cheese so that they MAKE DIRTY SALTY LOVE TO ONE ANOTHER. I've eaten salami and cheese for lunch for, like, twenty straight days and I still haven't gotten sick of it. I love a good run of lunches. Ever take a shit that looks like it's been sitting in the toilet for a week even though you just dropped it?
Anyway, my list of crop-dusting victims would probably have as many obvious choices as yours:
• Kim Kardashian
• The Brant Brothers
• Aaron Sorkin
• Mike Francesa
• Bryant Gumbel
• Bob Costas
• Madonna
• Randy Edsall
• The Aurora shooter
• Virtually every cable news pundit, including Rachel Maddow. I know dirty libruls love talking about how much classier Maddow is than other pundits, but fuck that. I'd probably enjoy farting in her face more than even Hannity's.
• Mitt Romney
• Padma Lakshmi/Geoffrey Zakarian
Remember, you shouldn't choose victims simply based on whether or not you don't like them. You should also choose people who would be the MOST repulsed by your farts and would therefore offer the funniest reaction. It's nothing personal, Padma. You're a classy lady. But God, I just wanna muffle your face with my asscheeks and see what happens when you have to take in day-old beef fumes.
So this guy apparently drove off with a gas pump in his BMW without noticing, then got on the 405. Everyone around him was honking and yelling, trying to get his attention, but he just stared straight ahead obliviously. Finally we pulled even with him, and I threw Icebreakers Sours at his window until he realized what was going on and pulled over. Oh, and his vanity plates say ARCITKT. Genius.
Couldn't have happened to a better guy. You BMW drivers deserve everything bad that happens to you.
What is the best brand and strength of talcum powder AND how do you apply to your undercarriage without making your fellow inhabitants think you have a cataclysmic coke problem?
I personally use Triple Action Gold Bond powder. However, I think my nuts have grown far too tolerant of it. When you're 18, Triple Action Gold Bond stings your balls like a butane torch. After years and years of use? I think the fromunda develops an immunity. It may be best to buy a couple of different powders and use them in a rotation, so that your balls never know what's coming. One day, they get corn starch. The next? STINGING BLEACH POWDER. It would really keep your scrotum on its toes.
In a perfect world, you would apply your Gold Bond in the shower and then it gets washed down the drain with the next showering. But I'm too lazy to step back into the shower after drying off. I just let that shit fall on the bathroom floor and then my wife yells at me and then I'm like IT'S THIS OR STANK BALLS, MISSY. DEAL WID IT.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at email@example.com.
Congratulations, you've just invented the device used by Sandra Bullock and Sylvester Stallone in Demolition Man where you can have virtual sex with a device strapped to your head and your eyes closed. How much would be the minimum you would charge for 5 minutes with this device?
So I'm renting it out? I think you could get away with charging $20 at first, and then upping the fee as word of mouth of the device's effectiveness spread. HOWEVER, think of the mess. You'd have to find a "jizz room" so that clients could use the device privately, and that room would have to be cleaned CONSTANTLY. If you have virtual reality headgear on while pleasing yourself, you will have NO CLUE where the skeet went upon completion. 90% of all clients would accidentally wipe their jizz onto the device itself, putting it in grave danger of short circuiting. You'd be making thousands of dollars day, but would it be worth it to mop up the Houston 500 every hour or so? I would likely rent the device out in hour-long blocks to extremely high-end clientele. My virtual brothel would be the CLASSIEST.
If weed could talk, would it totally be chill with us smoking it, or would it be pissed because we're totally killing it?
It's long dead by the time you've smoked it, so it wouldn't be crying out for help while you were setting it on fire with your Bic lighter. You'd be smoking weed's corpse, which is so crazy when you, like, think about it mannnnnnnnn.
The only time you would hear weed talk is if you were a pot grower, and that would be decidedly inconvenient for you. Nothing draws the attention of the five-oh like a talking pot plant. LOOK AT ALL THAT WATER YOU'RE SPRAYING ON MY LEAVES, MAN. THAT IS SOOOOO WET.
What is the pecking order among athletes within the Olympic village? You've got to assume that the NBA players, and any recognizable names (Bolt, Phelps etc) are at the top, and that anybody who has ever ridden a horse is at the bottom.
The NBA players don't even stay at the Olympic village, which kind of defeats the purpose of playing in the Olympics for free, because if you're a rich NBA player you can hang out at a luxury hotel any time. I don't think that the pecking order in the village is necessarily dictated by your sport. I think there are a couple of other critical factors:
1. Have you finished competing? If you're done competing, then that means you have time to get drunk and have sex with other people. Michael Phelps has this entire week off. He could lay waste to that village for the next seven days if he chose to.
2. Did you medal? Because no one wants to blow a seventh place finisher. But get a gold medal in even one of the boring sports like rowing and people are gonna talk to you. After all, loogit those rowing boners!
3. Can you speak a fairly common language such as English? It's gonna be hard for you to socialize if you speak in a regional Romanian dialect that's comprehensible to exactly three other people in the village, two of whom are related to you.
4. Do you live in a free country? Something tells me the Chinese government isn't exactly keen on letting its medalists smoke pot in the Mexicans' dorm room.
5. Do you have teammates? Having teammates to pal around the village with makes you look cool and popular. The poor skeet shooter from Latvia who doesn't know anyone is really gonna feel left out. It's not fair. And finally ...
6. Are you attractive? It kinda matters.
Based on all that, I'd say the most popular possible person in the Olympic village would be a gold medal winning Australian swimmer. Ladies love themselves the Aussies.
How do you think the 92' Dream Team would do in these Olympics if they represented the United States instead of this year's team at their current age? I'm pretty sure Old Jordan, Magic, and Bird could still at least get the Bronze and beat Nigeria by 30.
No fucking way. Have you seen Magic Johnson lately? He's the size of a steakhouse. Here are the current ages of every player on that roster:
Christian Laettner: 42
David Robinson: 47
Patrick Ewing: 50
Larry Bird: 55
Scottie Pippen: 46
Michael Jordan: 49
Clyde Drexler: 50
Karl Malone: 49
John Stockton: 50
Chris Mullin: 49
Charles Barkley: 49
Magic: 52
Those are some old-ass men. I assume a handful of these men are still in fairly good shape (Stockton, Robinson, Malone), but many of them are either remarkably out of shape (Charles, Ewing) or hampered by injury (Bird). Even Jordan has grown beefy in middle age. I don't think they'd have a prayer of beating a seasoned international team, particularly given that international teams have so vastly improved since 1992. But I'm sure the resulting Rob Reiner comedy based on their efforts would prove mirthful.
After watching the football stadium explosion in The Dark Knight Rises, I have questions. Would Hines Ward be a media darling who writes a book, does all the talk shows, etc., or would he be wracked by guilt for being the only on-field survivor, fall into depression & never play again? And how many weeks of games would Roger Goodell have to cancel?
I'm just shocked that Ward didn't execute an illegal crackback block on Bane before the detonation. Anyway, after the implosion, I think Hines would do the book. He's a media-savvy fellow. He's good at whoring himself out and simultaneously getting analysts to be like, "Hines Ward is a CLASS ACT." Simon & Schuster would give him $2 million to write That Sinking Feeling: My Terrifying Day Running from Tragedy. He'd do the Today show, maybe even a 60 Minutes segment (I think Scott Pelley would be his interviewer), then he'd return to play with the Gotham City Rogues in their temporary stadium located in Gotham suburb Cranston Estates (which would remain out of Bane's control, as he has seized Gotham Island for months).
I think Goodell would take one week off to commemorate the tragedy, and then go right back to playing football under the excuse of, "We want to restore a sense of normalcy," which is always a cheap way of saying, "We're selfish assholes and we'd like to start making money again." Peter King would write a 6,000-word story about Goodell AGONIZING over the decision, 5,000 words of which would discuss Peter's roto team struggling. Then football would resume at the temp stadium, with Hines and a motley crew of scrappy walk-ons. Then they would finish the season 1-15 and that one win would be turned into a Disney movie called Going Rogues that would be heavily promoted on ESPN during the NBA playoffs. I give that movie NO STARS.
I'd just had a long day at work and I was hungry, so I decided to walk the two blocks to the awesome greasy Mexican heart attack factory by my apartment. Since I was only gonna be gone for like 5 minutes, I just threw on some gym type stuff. Sweats, old sneakers. No big deal. Not looking like a hobo, but not trying to impress anybody either. Just minding my business, picking up some take out like a normal city-dwelling youngish dude.
So I'm almost there, when all of a sudden, this group of loud obnoxious youths, clearly up to no good, comes bursting around the corner, and this girl, maybe 15 or 16, randomly comes right up to me all, "I really like your shoes! Where did you get them?" And I'm like "Thanks" and take a sec, because I honestly don't remember where I bought them. So I'm trying to get my old, slow, addled brain to turn over, when Gen. Mean Girl over here starts a chorus of snickering and POINTING!!!
And now I have a group of teenagers laughing at my sneakers - the sneakers of a complete stranger - in the middle of the street! I was kind of too in shock to say anything, so I just ran away, ordered an extra burrito, and went home to shame eat and cry alone in the dark. But I still can't decide, as an adult and a stranger, what would have been the proper response to this situation? A lecture? Violence? Some sort of witty "Jerk Store" type rejoinder? And why does everyone allow teenagers to be such HUGE dicks in public all the time?
It's true. We really need to round up all teenagers and force them into military duty abroad. That way, they aren't harassing poor Rock and crowding up our movie theaters. We send them away, and they either come back A.) dead; B.) traumatized into permanent silence; or C.) disciplined and productive. That's a win-win-win, if you ask me. Teenagers shouldn't be allowed to roam freely, grinding down public stairwells on the GLOREE BOY skateboards and browbeating our underdressed working class with poorly disguised sarcastic compliments. SHIP THEM ALL AWAY. Or make them fight to the death. I read "The Hunger Games" and liked it because that book is like porn for cranky old people.
Anyway, your response to the situation was pretty much exactly what I'd do. And I'd spend the rest of my life replaying the scenario in my head, over and over again, thinking of up new ways of putting those young ragamuffins in their place. Pull a gun on them? Tell the girl "this shoe looks even better jammed up your pussy"? Make a balled fist and say MY NAME IS FUCK OFF, THAT'S MY NAME? All those options are in play. I don't really know what the right move is. Ignoring them is the dignified thing to do. You never want to feed the trolls. BUT GOD DAMMIT IT WOULD FEEL GOOD TO PULL OUT A BIG FUCKING KNIFE AND TEACH THOSE SHITS A LESSON THEY WON'T SOON FORGET.
A friend of mine found this list in the East Village and we have no idea what it means. I like to think it's the guest list for the greatest dinner party of all time.
What if it's an assassin's to-do list? Surely we'd all like JA JA BINKS cold and dead in the ground. I'd be fascinated to figure out what common thread links all these people, from Yeezy to Darth Vader. Maybe they're all on Scientology's GAY BLACKMAIL LIST.
I'm sitting here at my computer, and it's nighttime, and the room is dark. It occurs to me that something tiny is crawling slowly up the inside of my right thigh inside my shorts, making its way towards my crotch area. I'm familiar with this particular small-thing-crawling-on-skin sensation, because I live in the sticks. I'm sure it's a tick.
So, I go reaching up and under and through the leg of my shorts to isolate the little bastard and get him the hell out of there. But it's late and I'm tired and more than a little flustered, and I lose track of the goddamn thing. Now I have fumbled him. He's no longer on my skin, but maybe he's loose in the shorts? I can't find him anywhere. Not on my leg, not on the floor, not on the desk, not in my shorts (which are now splayed out on the floor). He's either vanished into thin air, hidden himself somewhere in this room, or voyaged into the wilds of my genital area and the relative camouflage of my pubic hair.
How totally fucked am I? I feel like this thing is going to emerge sometime next week in a fountain of gore from somewhere near my Adam's apple. Like there'll be an x-ray in my future showing a massive two-pound tick hanging off my liver. What do I do?
Calm down. Relax. First of all, are you dead certain it's a tick? Because you usually have to venture outside and stage a two-hour indian wrestling match with an elk in order to get a tick on you. They don't normally hang out inside. It's possible it was just a brown recluse spider. Or a roach. Or a very small human murderer.
If I were you, I would quickly drink four beers. I find that drinking alleviates a great deal of bug paranoia. After the beers, I would then strip down, hop into the shower (with a shower beer), and give myself a thorough tick check, from ankle to asshole. Check for ticks and for small bullseye rashes. If you see nothing, double check the next morning after drinking more and passing out. If you're still clean, go to the bathroom and fap. Your mind should be freed from the terror by then.
From now on, since you apparently have an office located inside a peat bog, wear jeans at all times, with the jeans tucked into the socks. Then spray your ankles with OFF. This is your tick gear, and it never failed me during the Great Lyme Scare of '88.
If there was a ratio comparing how funny a comedian is/was on stage vs. how funny that person is on Twitter, don't you think Jerry Seinfeld would be the winner for most disappointing comedian on Twitter? I was a big fan of his TV show, but he is just awful on Twitter. It's like my Grampa on Twitter.
It's true. There's something deeply mortifying about it. I wanna find his computer, access his login, and erase the thing entirely. Just for his own good. The folks at GQ recently did a great piece called the 14 most annoying people on Twitter. One of the ones left on the cutting room floor were "comedians who use Twitter exclusively to pimp their next appearance at the Haha Hole." I also proposed:
• Comedians who turn into liberal pundits on Twitter
• Darren Rovell
• The foodie who goes on and on about a meal you'll never get to eat. "OMG AMAZING meal at Momofuku! Steamed buns, Korean fried chicken, Fruity Pebbles milk ice cream! STUFFED!"
• The politician who tries to cram an entire rebuttal into 140 characters and fails. "Obama edu'tion plcy not supportive of REAL AMERICANS. trying to use ur hard earned tx dollars to subsdize failing schools. Isnt about time that we let grwnnups in charge? Also, Iran policy trrbl"
• Athletes who think they're funny
• The 200,000 people on Twitter who spend every day trying to be Mitch Hedberg. "Don't you find it totally appropriate that the moon is constantly showing us its backside?"
• Celebrities who use Twitter exclusively to talk with other celebrities
Gwyneth Paltrow @GwynethPaltrow
@rihanna say whaaat?
• The celebrated writer who reveals himself on Twitter as an insecure writing dictator. "Write every day. No exceptions. You don't take a day off from breathing, do you?"
• And of course, people who never link to ANYTHING.
Email of the Week time.
SwaggaBra (NOTE: Female reader):
All this Olympic mumbo-jumbo and gymnastics coverage has me focused on one important issue: waxing. Those girls have to wax, right? There's no way they can wear those leotards and pull off those stunts without having a serious, foolproof and perfectly bare floor. But I've yet to see so much as a slight stubble. So the real question I have is, who, when, and where?
Is there a particular waxer that has a monopoly over giving post-pubescent gymnasts floor waxes? How do the girls find out about said waxer? And wouldn't that be a particularly awkward conversation with the parents-"Sooooo, mom, the carpet is beginning to get a little shaggy and my teammates have told me there's this guy...he drives a van...his business is called Gold Medal Grooming..." I'd like to point out that I'm female and therefore this question isn't quite as creepy. Emphasis on "quite."
Yeah, but I'm a creep if I answer it. FETCH THE BUBBAPROG.


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subset: commoncrawl


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A little less than a month after Meow, a Santa Fe shelter cat that garnered some celebrity for weighing 39-pounds, died in an ecstasy of ice cream-flavored wet food sprinkled over ice cream, new fat cats have ambled into the spotlight to stake their own claims to fame. 30-pound SpongeBob momentarily captured the public imagination, until a 10-year-old Brooklyn cat named Garfield came to Port Washington's no-kill animal shelter weighing 40 pounds. 40 pounds. How many feelings does that round, decimal of 10 make you feel?
In order to better understand the broader implications of Garfield's proportions, New York Post solicited the expert opinion of veterinarian Gerard Laheney, who soberly tried to put Garfield's weight in perspective: "My first reaction was astonishment. This is the fattest cat I have ever seen." Not only is Garfield enormous, but, to Laheney's continued astonishment, he passed a physical. Still, Laheney recommends that Garfield lose about 20 pounds, which is, like, easy for Laheney to say but has he ever tried to lose 20 pounds? Besides, if Garfield does lose all that weight, what will happen to his newfound celebrity? It'll disappear, that's what'll happen, and then Garfield will just be another cat with a generic name telling all the other stray cats about how he could've been somebody, how he could've been a contender, but now he's got a one-way ticket to Palookaville, and there aren't any cream cheese doughnuts in Palookaville.
New-champ in fatter-cat fight [NY Post]
Image via Nailia Schwarz/Shutterstock.


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In a dramatic final weekend, Chris Wondolowski took home the Golden Boot while the LA Galaxy managed to win their third-ever Supporters' Shield, and with it the regular-season Western Conference title.
Big deal. Now the second season begins. The MLS Cup Playoffs are set to start on Thursday at Dick's Sporting Goods Park as the Colorado Rapids host the Columbus Crew (9 p.m. ET, ESPN2). The Thermometer takes a look at the teams who have built up momentum heading into the postseason.
Wild, Wild West
The Galaxy beat FC Dallas to take home the Supporters' Shield on the last day of the season. The Seattle Sounders lost to the lowly Houston Dynamo to close out their regular-season campaign.
Counterintuitively, however, the Sounders still hit the playoffs as the hotter team. As a matter of fact, they're the hottest of all the teams in this year's dance.
Consider this: Before their Texas hiccup, the Sounders had won five MLS games in a row. After their hiccup, they still have 12 points from their last five fixtures, and have nine goals in those contests. That's second to only Colorado among playoff teams.
The Galaxy, meanwhile, have nine points from their last five games. Respectable, to be sure, but in that stretch they have the same number of goals as Chris Wondolowski.
Seattle have the momentum. LA do not.
Magic Wondo
An absolutely Herculean effort gave the Bay Area native the Golden Boot in the last week of the MLS regular season. But now that race is over.
Not a moment too soon, perhaps. Wondolowski's six strikes in the San Jose Earthquakes' last five games are the only goals the club has scored, and the Quakes have gotten just seven of the last 15 points available. Frank Yallop needs to find someone else to carry the weight in San Jose.
Beasts of the East
The New York Red Bulls finally beat the New England Revolution. It was their first victory against the Revs since 2005, and it clinched them top spot in the Eastern Conference.
More importantly, it was a shutout for the club. Despite boasting a truly terrifying offense on paper, the Red Bulls are tied for last among playoff teams in goals scored over their last five matches. But in that stretch, they still have 10 points. If New York win, they will win because they shut opposing teams down. They've done that down the stretch, allowing just two goals in the last month. The Red Bulls are charging into the postseason.
Unstoppable Force, Movable Object
The Rapids have scored 11 goals in their last five games. The Crew have allowed seven goals in their last five games.
And now William Hesmer is out for the playoffs. Good luck, Columbus.
FC Dallas and Real Salt Lake put their mark on the 2010 MLS season with two remarkable streaks. The Hoops compiled a 19-game unbeaten streak in all competitions, while the reigning champs went undefeated at Rio Tinto Stadium. They split the season series down the middle, each team winning 2-0 at home against the other.
Now they collide in the playoffs. Based on recent performance, it looks like the Claret-and-Cobalt are going to get the upper hand.
Not by much, though. FCD have seven points in their last five games; RSL have nine. RSL have seven goals in their last five games; FCD have nine.
Ladies and Gentlemen, let the games begin.


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The Community Energy Hub is designed to support anyone interested in taking control of energy in their local area.
Here you will find resources, links to find support and, most importantly, other people who want to share their experiences.


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This site is the homepage for the free book Vector Calculus, by Michael Corral (Schoolcraft College). If you are looking for the Elementary Calculus homepage, go here. If you are looking for the Trigonometry homepage, go here.
You can download the latest version (2013-05-21) of Vector Calculus here:
See the News section below to read about the changes in this version.
Note: The above file gets updated only with corrections (of typos, errors, etc). No new material gets added, and no material gets removed.
The book is a PDF file, which requires a PDF viewer such as the freely available Adobe Acrobat Reader or noncommercial software (e.g. xpdf, Evince) to view it. The book is distributed under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.2.
The PDF file above includes color graphics. You can buy a printed, bound, paperback version of the book with
grayscale graphics for $11 plus shipping at the book's project page on Lulu.com:
The price covers just the cost of printing (Lulu.com recently increased their base price, which is why the price is now $11 instead of the original $8.93). The grayscale version is also available as a free download at that site.
For those who want to view and/or compile the book's source files, the LaTeX source code is available here:
You will need a relatively recent LaTeX installation to compile the source code. A build script (calc3book.sh) for Linux/UNIX systems is included for building the PDF file. See the included README file for more instructions. A brief 10-page mini-tutorial on LaTeX that I wrote is available here.
Java examples: The Java programs and source code for Newton's algorithm (Ch. 2) and the
Monte Carlo method (Ch. 3) can be downloaded here: calc3book_java.zip
These are the programs listed in Section 2.6 and Section 3.4 of the book. The source files can be modified easily to solve some of the exercises in those sections.
(2013-05-21) Matlab/Octave equivalents of the above Java programs can be
downloaded here: ParallelizationArea.zip
These were kindly provided by Prof. Benson Muite (University of Michigan).
(2012-02-13) Sage equivalents of the above Java programs can be downloaded here: calc3book_sage.zip
Book description: This is a text on elementary multivariable calculus, designed for students who have completed courses in single-variable calculus. The traditional topics are covered: basic vector algebra; lines, planes and surfaces; vector-valued functions; functions of 2 or 3 variables; partial derivatives; optimization; multiple integrals; line and surface integrals.
The book also includes discussion of numerical methods: Newton's method for optimization, and the Monte Carlo method for evaluating multiple integrals. There is a section dealing with applications to probability. Appendices include a proof of the right-hand rule for the cross product, and a short tutorial on using Gnuplot for graphing functions of 2 variables.
There are 420 exercises in the book. Answers to selected exercises are included.
(2013-05-21) I finally(!) got around to uploading the Matlab/Octave versions of the programs in the book, which Prof. Benson Muite (Univeristy of Michigan) kindly sent me over a year ago. I apologize for the delay; my only excuse is that my schedule became incredibly hectic over the last year. Now that things have settled down again, I should have some time to start working on a French translation of Vector Calculus (as well as finish Elementary Calculus). There have been many offers from people around the world to translate my books into other languages. For example, Prof. Koichiro Yamashita will post his Japanese translation at http://kymst.net after he finishes it.
The latest version of Vector Calculus contains a correction of a typo in one of the plots (Fig. 1.8.3 on p.54), which Prof. Yamashita found.
(2012-02-13) I ported the Java code examples in Sections 2.6 and 3.4 to Sage, a powerful and free open-source mathematics software system that is gaining in popularity. The Sage code examples are in the calc3book_sage.zip file, and can be run either on the command-line or as worksheets in a Sage notebook. See the included README file for more details.
The reason for doing this is because I received a request a few years ago to rewrite those code examples for Sage. I wasn't as familiar with Sage as I am now, so I finally got around to doing it. In general, I will be using Sage more, and in particular it will be used extensively for the code examples in my upcoming Elementary Calculus book.
(2011-06-29) The latest version of the book is out. The content of the book is basically the same as before. The big change was in switching the math font from txfonts to Fourier-GUTenberg. This was done to make the fonts more consistent. In particular, the fouriernc package makes use of the New Century Schoolbook normal text fonts for numbers and letters in math mode. This way there is no longer the incongruity of having txfonts' Times Roman-like numbers and letters in math mode versus New Century Schoolbook's different-looking numbers and letters in the main text. This change required a bit of space adjustment throughout the text, since some of the symbols in the Fourier-GUTenberg fonts are slightly smaller than those in txfonts. The sans serif font was also changed, from Avant Garde to Helvetica.
Another change was cleaning up the graphics, which also had a mish-mash of inconsistent fonts and other issues (in particular the graphics created with MetaPost and Gnuplot). The Gnuplot graphics were slightly improved over some of the default settings which I had used originally.
These changes in the appearance make the book look better overall, in my opinion, and were long overdue. It also brings the book in line with the general look and feel of my Trigonometry book and my forthcoming Elementary Calculus book (the prequel to this book).
As far as the content in the main text itself, the only changes are:
Update (2011-06-30): The printed bound version of the book on the Lulu.com site has also been updated with the latest changes.
(2011-04-17) I've written up a very short
(10-page) mini-tutorial on using the LaTeX typesetting system. You can download it here:
The source code for the tutorial is available here: latex_tutorial.zip
The tutorial was originally created for students in a class I'm teaching this semester, and I've expanded it a bit since then. I hope others find it useful.
(2010-06-06) Typos in the proof of Theorem 1.20(f) on p.53 have been corrected (thanks to F. Dockhorn for finding those). A newer version of the TikZ/PGF graphics package broke the diagrams on pp.60-61, so the code for those diagrams has been updated. Also, I am still working on the prequel - Elementary Calculus - which (barring a miraculous increase in my productivity) will likely not be ready until sometime next year.
(2009-09-13) The author's new book, Trigonometry, is now available. The homepage is located here: mecmath.net/trig/
(2009-07-22) The prequel to this book, which will be titled Elementary Calculus, is in preparation. It will cover calculus of a single variable. The aim is to have it available by the end of this year or early next year. Another book, on trigonometry, is almost finished and should be available here by the end of August 2009. Both books will be free and released under the GNU Free Documentation License, complete with the LaTeX source code.
(2009-07-22) In Appendix A, the answer to Exercise 5 in Section 2.3 was corrected. Thanks to E. Cavazos for pointing out the error. This is the only change in the new version (2009-07-22) from the previous version (2009-03-29).
(2009-07-10) Prof. Marshall Hampton of the University of Minnesota, Duluth has kindly posted some notes on compiling the LaTeX source code for the book under OS X, which you can read here.


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The most recently discovered mineral is krotite, which was recently discovered in a meteorite fragment. Krotite has never been seen in nature before now, and yet its origins reach right back to the birth of the solar system.
The mineral has been artificially created before now as a part of certain forms of high-temperature concrete, but mineralogists had had no idea that this building material had a natural counterpart. This natural krotite was discovered in a type of meteorite known as a chondrite, which means it's a particularly ancient space rock that dates back to the time of planetary formation 4.5 billion years ago.
Krotite itself is a compound of calcium, aluminum, and oxygen, and it can only form in temperatures of well over 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit. What's more, krotite doesn't require high pressures to form, which supports the idea that, even by the standards of ancient minerals, it's really, really old, dating right back to when the solar nebula began to condense, kicking off the formation of our solar system. I've heard that everything old is new again, but I've got to say - 4.5 billion years is pushing it.


text:
LONDON – Bailed-out U.K. lender Royal Bank of Scotland said Wednesday that Stephen Hester will step down as chief executive later this year — a move that creates some uncertainty as the bank prepares to return to the private sector.
The board of the bank, which is 81 per cent owned by the taxpayer after it was rescued by the U.K. government in 2008, said that Hester was unwilling to make a five-year commitment necessary to lead the bank back into the private sector. The search for a successor will begin immediately.
The 52-year-old — one of the most public figures in British banking — said that while the Royal Bank of Scotland Group is now in a position where the government can begin privatizing it, it was important to have a new leader oversee the job.
"While leading that process would be the end of an incredible chapter for me, ideally for the company it should be led by someone at the beginning of their journey" he said in a statement. "I will therefore step down at the end of this year to allow a new CEO to lead the group in this next stage."
During a call for reporters following the announcement, Hester hemmed on the question of whether he was pushed to make the decision or had reached an impasse with the board about when to go.
"My position has been throughout that I want to do what is right for RBS," he said. "That's my motivation."
He added, however, that he had been "prepared to carry on through privatization." The comments will fuel speculation that the government — the majority shareholder — wanted a new face before taking the sale forward.
Hester's "leaving package" is expected to be about 5.6 million pounds ($8.7 million).
There had been speculation as to how long a banker of his stature would stay in a job in which he would be paid less than his market value, but the timing was not anticipated.
Though Hester had taken his lumps in the press for high wages and bonuses at the nationalized bank, he was seen as having proved competent in rising to the challenge of steering the institution through the mess left behind by the previous, swaggering CEO, Fred "the shred" Goodwin. The 45 billion-pound ($71 billion) bailout in 2008 has proved crippling to the British economy.
The bank had suggested last month that the government should be able to start selling its stake within a year, after it reported a first-quarter profit of 393 million pounds ($611 million), up from a loss of 1.5 billion pounds a year earlier.
At the time, Hester had said the clean-up of the bank would be largely complete by the middle of 2014. The timing of the sale, however, remains up to the government.
The question of when the shares are sold is important because it will determine whether taxpayers get their money back — or take a loss on their investment in the bank. It is widely believed that the government had wished the process to begin before the 2015 election.
"Stephen Hester has done a very good rescue job," Treasury chief George Osborne said. "And now we're moving from that rescue phase to a new phase where we focus on the British economy and we focus on getting the British taxpayer's money back."
Analysts seemed caught off guard by the news, which came immediately after a board meeting on Thursday.
Investec's Ian Gordon said the decision was unhelpful, coming only weeks after RBS named Chief Financial Officer Bruce van Saun the chief executive of Citizens Bank, its U.S. business, ahead of its expected partial stock market flotation.
"Hester has done an excellent job in the face of a wholly unhelpful regulatory and political backdrop – very substantially reshaping and de-risking the group," Gordon said. "However, revenues, earnings and the outlook for returns remain weak. His departure merely adds a further unwelcome element of uncertainty at a critical time."
Shares in RBS closed down 0.6 per cent, in line with the wider market in London, before the news of Hester's departure.


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Shabbat Shalom
Your Peace of the Week
by: Marissa Anteby
As a Wellness Educator, I'm constantly on the lookout for new ways to help people experience more peace in their lives. Part of what I do is teach people how to practice relaxation techniques. After all, remaining calm takes practice, just as Yoga, meditation, and a whole host of other activities. Oh, hold on a minute, my husband is calling me…
Now, where was I? Let's see, oh right; remaining calm. Well, if we need to practice, where is the ideal place to do it? One of my Yoga teachers, Rodney Yee, suggests, "Even if you do have a designated yoga room, on some days you may feel like practicing in a different space. Go with your intuition and lay down your mat wherever you wish." http://www.gaiam.com/product/yoga-studio/yoga-instructors/rodney-yee/yoga+core+cross+train+dvd.do
Wait, now one of my kids needs me, and I think I hear the doorbell…
Wow, I can't get a moment's worth of quiet. I'm sure you can relate to being pulled in different directions at once. Hey, forget about laying down a mat, who has time for that? The whole world is a Jewish woman's Yoga mat! We are constantly multi-tasking while striving to maintain a semblance of grace. That's it, bingo! The best time and place to practice remaining calm, is always and everywhere. The family will need us, the phone will ring, but we can roll with it. Not to fret, it's not as hard as it sounds. In fact, you can even practice a calming exercise while you're out shopping. Yep, shopping!
The next time you're in a store, try this; absorb the total experience. Don't think about what happened a few minutes before, don't worry about all the things you have to do a few minutes after, just be in the present moment. Focus on what you're doing. Look around and really see al the colors and textures. Pick something up and really feel it's weight in your hands. Some 'retail therapy' can do wonders for your mind. It can be a quick, much needed break.
Renee Salem Hanan, Co-owner of Shelly and Renee Productions, says, "There's a sense of satisfaction, an excitement to finding an unexpected bargain. Trying on a new blouse or dress, etc. is an instant mood lifter!" As added incentive to do something nice for yourself, Shelly and Renee Productions is offering a free gift with purchase, at their sample sale of Nancy Gonzalez handbags (575 Madison Ave., 8th fl.) Hurry though, because this offer is good only on May 5th & 6th, while the supply of free gifts last! http://shellyandrenee.com/
Jonathan Zemmol of The Yellow Door concurs saying, "Sometimes the act of shopping, even for something as simple as a new vase or a lovely costume earring, can brighten someone's day. The smallest of purchases can bring great pleasure. Everyone appreciates beauty, and it can be obtained at almost any price." The Yellow Door in Brooklyn is extending their current Preferred Customer promotion to The Jewish Hostess readers; it's $50 off any purchase of $200 or more. Offer expires May 9, 2010. Make sure to print out copy of this article to qualify for this special discount. http://www.theyellowdoor.com/ See, I told you practicing a calming exercise is easier than it sounds! As always, scroll all the way down to post your comments. Let me know what you think and if you tried some 'retail therapy.' Tell your friends to comment too, because 1 lucky winner will be chosen to receive a FREE Thai Yoga Massage from www.embodyinc.com
Shabbat Shalom,
Marissa Anteby is a wife, and a mother of 4 children. Her company www.embodyinc.com hosts holistic exercise classes in Cycling, Pilates, and Yoga, in cities throughout New York and New Jersey. Marissa maintains more than 10 wellness related certifications, including Reiki Massage, and Thai Yoga Massage. embodyinc.blogspot.com


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New Findings on Morning Sickness Treatment Presented at Society for Maternal-Fetal Medicine Annual Pregnancy Meeting
14 Feb, 2013, 23:00 GMT
BLAINVILLE, Canada, February 14, 2013 /PRNewswire/ --
Early use of Diclectin® reduces the severity of nausea and vomiting of pregnancy (NVP) symptoms in pregnant women who had severe NVP in a previous pregnancy
Duchesnay Inc. announced results from a new study concluding that pre-emptive use of Diclectin® (a delayed-release combination of 10 mg doxylamine and 10 mg pyridoxine) is effective in reducing symptoms of severe NVP in patients at high risk for recurrence of severe NVP. The study was conducted by Gideon Koren, M.D., and Caroline Maltepe, B.A., of The Motherisk Program, Division of Clinical Pharmacology and Toxicology, Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, Ontario. Data were presented in an oral abstract in San Francisco, California on February 14, 2013 during the Society for Maternal-Fetal Medicine's Annual meeting 'The Pregnancy Meeting', and will be published in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology[1].
The randomized, controlled study recruited pregnant women who had experienced severe NVP or hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) - an extreme form of morning sickness - in a previous pregnancy. These women were instructed either to start using Diclectin® before NVP symptoms appeared (the pre-emptive group), or to start Diclectin® at the first sign of NVP symptoms (the control group). The severity of NVP symptoms was compared between the two groups.
Results demonstrate that women who started using Diclectin® before NVP symptoms began had significantly reduced symptoms of severe NVP compared to women who only started Diclectin® when NVP symptoms appeared. In the pre-emptive group, there were 70% fewer cases of moderate-to-severe NVP compared to the control group during the 3 first weeks of NVP (p=0.05). Pre-emptive use of Diclectin® was also found to decrease the recurrence of HG in women with a previous history of HG (p=0.047).
"Women with NVP commonly report feeling unsupported by the medical community, and many physicians and pharmacists are hesitant to prescribe anti-emetics to pregnant women," said lead researcher Dr. Gideon Koren. "These new, important data continue to prove that NVP is a serious medical condition, and drive awareness of safe and effective treatment options to alleviate NVP symptoms and possibly prevent extreme cases of hyperemesis gravidarum."
The delayed release combination of 10 mg doxylamine and 10 mg pyridoxine (Diclectin®, Duchesnay, Inc.) is labeled in Canada specifically for NVP, and has been shown to be safe and effective in more than 200,000 pregnant women.[2],[3]
About the Motherisk Program
The Motherisk Program is a clinical, research and teaching program dedicated to drug, chemical, and disease risk counselling in pregnancy. Motherisk provides evidence-based information and guidance about the safety or risk to the developing fetus or infant, of maternal exposure to drugs, chemicals, diseases, radiation and environmental agents. The program maintains several Helplines, one of which is the toll-free NVP Helpline which was created to improve the management of NVP.
About NVP and HG
Nausea and vomiting of pregnancy, or morning sickness, affects up to 85% of pregnant women, with symptoms that range from nausea to severe vomiting and retching.[4] More than half of pregnant women report daily episodes of vomiting.[3] For most pregnant women, symptoms generally decrease between 12-16 weeks gestation.[5] However, some women can experience symptoms throughout their pregnancy,[3],[4] and 40% of women experience symptoms severe enough to interfere with their lifestyle.[3] Although NVP is not usually a life-threatening medical condition, if left untreated, it may progress to HG.[1] HG occurs in up to 3% of pregnant women and may require hospitalization to care for nutritional deficiency, weight loss, and fluid, electrolyte and acid-based imbalances.[1],[6] The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) advocates that early treatment of NVP may prevent the escalation of symptoms that lead to HG.[7]
About Duchesnay Inc.
Duchesnay Inc. is a unique healthcare company exclusively devoted to safeguarding the health and well-being of expectant mothers and their unborn babies. Founded in 1970 in Canada, the family-owned company realigned its business in 1992 to focus specifically on pregnant women after a family member experienced a very difficult pregnancy. Duchesnay's mission became to improve the health and quality of life of pregnant women by working at advancing maternal-fetal medicine to reduce the risk of birth defects and by developing safe and effective pharmacological solutions for use during pregnancy and breastfeeding. For more information, visit http://www.duchesnay.com.
[1] Koren G, Maltepe C. Preemptive Diclectin therapy for the management of nausea and vomiting of pregnancy and hyperemesis gravidarum. AJOG. 2013 208:1 (Suppl): 20.
[2] Clark SM, Costantine MM, Hankins GD. Review of NVP and HG and early pharmacotherapeutic intervention. Obstet Gynecol Int. 2012 25: 2676. Epub 2011 Nov 24.
[3] Ebrahimi N, Maltepe C, Einarson A. Optimal management of nausea and vomiting of pregnancy. Int J Women's Health. 2010 2: 241-8.
[4] "Nausea and Vomiting of Pregnancy," Association of Professors of Gynecology and Obstetrics. 2011.
[5] Lacroix R, Eason E, Melzack R. Nausea and vomiting during pregnancy: a prospective study of its frequency, intensity, and patterns of change. Am J Obstet Gynecol. 2000 182:931-937.
[6] Verberg, MFG, DJ Gillott, N Al-Fardan and JG Grudzinskas. Hyperemesis gravidarum, a literature review. Human Reproduction Update. 2005 11(5): 527-549.
[7] "Nausea and Vomiting of Pregnancy," ACOG Practice Bulletin No. 52, 2004.
For further information:
Christine Walter, media relations, Duchesnay Inc.
email@example.com +1-450-433-7734
SOURCE Duchesnay inc.


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People of all ages are choosing to seek out adventure on their vacations, and there are many destinations around the world offering for an amazing trip. What better way to truly enjoy yourself while also seeing the worlds most amazing natural wonders than on an adventure vacation? From hiking in the wilderness to scuba diving sunken ships in the Caribbean, adventure travel is the perfect way to satisfy your appetite for excitement.
There are many exciting adventure travel destinations and activities to choose from. Today, we are going to explore five of my favorite places to travel.
New Zealand
Located over 1200 miles from the coast of Australia, New Zealand is known the world around for its beauty. Majestic mountains, searing volcanoes, and sparkling blue rivers are what awaits you in this country. The most popular activities for travelers to New Zealand are skiing, rock climbing, trekking, and white-water rafting. With so many options to choose from, it's easy to see why so many people enjoy visiting this country.
South Africa
This amazing country boasts some of the most exhilarating and exciting activities of anywhere on Earth. Its spectacular landscape and varied wildlife are the primary draw for travelers here. Nearly all of the worlds most wild animals call South Africa home, including Elephants, Lions, Rhinos, Cheetahs, and Giraffes. But that's not all, if you're an adrenaline enthusiast then take a jump off of Bloukrans bridge, at the highest commercial bungee jump in the world. As you can see, South Africa is the perfect place for an adventure off the beaten path and a vacation here is one you will not forget.
The largest of all the United States, Alaska is a land of extremes. Its remote wilderness has long been a favorite destination for active travelers and visiting here can be a life changing experience. From cross country skiing to kayaking through the iceberg filled Glacier Bay, Alaska has plenty of opportunities for the avid adventurer. Alaska is the perfect place for an exciting trip and while you're visiting here the last thing you'll be thinking about is how many new friends you've got on Facebook.
Costa Rica
The stunning tropical landscape of Costa Rica is a favorite destination for many. Its thick rainforests and varied wildlife make it the perfect place for nature lovers. There are many unique places worth exploring on a trip to Costa Rica, including the beautiful cloud forests and pristine sandy coastline. Travelers from all around the world make the trip here and for good reason. A vacation here is low on cost and high on entertainment making it especially popular for people affected by the ever increasing economic downturn.
Rich in cultural history, Bhutan is one of the most well preserved places on Earth. Home to the eastern portion of the Himalayas, this country is full of amazing natural wonders including some of the worlds tallest mountains. Trekking, climbing, and biking are the most popular tourist activities in Bhutan, however experiencing the unique people who live here is another big draw for travelers. The region is dotted with mystical looking monasteries which will give you a peak into a life so vastly different from our own.
Each of these 5 destinations are unique and exciting adventures and they will all make for a memorable vacation. Whether you're looking for a family friendly adventure or a single person excursion, each of these places will provide the experience of a lifetime.


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text: StandingInAlley Share Posted March 22, 2013 Hi! I'm looking to pick a new phone hopefully Lumia 920. I have a question with respect to WP8. My understanding is that once all my contacts are added, they are placed in the people hub. I will be adding my facebook account and twitter too. My question is that once I add Fb and Twitter account, will all my contacts from both these networks be added along with my other contacts on the people hub? I'm asking because I have about 600+ friends on Facebook and I don't want all of them to be available on the people hub as there are so many of them whom I don't care about or haven't spoken to them in a while. How does the integration work? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites


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Dr Adrian Midgley GP will talk for the BCS Open Source Specialist Group (OSSG) on Wednesday 11th April 2007 about the benefits to any country requiring health service automation of choosing an Open Source approach, and examples of FLOSS implementation and operation in hospitals with available software, and about his own experience of using FLOSS in general practice and about building the support ecology required.
Venue – BCS Central London Offices, First Floor, The Davidson Building, 5 Southampton Street, London WC2E 7HATime – 1800 hours for 1830 start.
Free buffet and refreshments including wine.
Please email your name to the events coordinator to book a place at this event.
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Fifth Sunday after Pentecost
Thirteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time
Wisdom 1:13-15, 2:23-24 OR 2 Samuel 1:1,17-27
Psalm 30 OR Psalm 130
2 Cor 8:7,9,13-15
Mark 5:21-43
Last year, the British Humanist Association (which lately has become, among other things, a cheer squad for Richard Dawkins) began an ad campaign on city buses in UK with signs declaring, "There probably is no God, so relax and enjoy your life." This led, as the BHA no doubt intended, to a torrent of unhelpful comments from an array of sources – pro, con, and otherwise – claiming to have special insight on the matter. One observation, however, stuck with me: namely that signs about relaxing and enjoying one's life were somewhat more persuasive on a bus in London, the wealthy capital of a military-industrial nation state, than they might be on a bus in the slums of Calcutta or Port au Prince.
Vic Chesnutt, the late singer-songwriter from Athens, Georgia, made a much more interesting atheist than Dawkins or his BHA public relations team ever will. Read more


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Obama to pitch Buffett tax, ending corporate tax breaks
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Barack Obama on Wednesday will issue a greatest hits list of ideas to raise $580 billion in new tax revenues over a decade, including a minimum tax on the wealthy and putting an end to some corporate tax breaks, administration officials said.
The president's 2014 budget proposal, expected to be released in full later on Wednesday, has no chance of moving forward in the divided U.S. Congress. But as lawmakers consider a revamp of the tax code and face a deadline on the government's debt limit this summer, some Obama measures could play a role.
The bid will revive Obama's offer last year to Republican House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner during the negotiations to avoid the so-called fiscal cliff of looming tax hikes and spending cuts.
Senior administration official previewed the budget on condition of anonymity to reporters ahead of the release.
Obama will officially propose a new "Buffett tax" named for investor Warren Buffett that phases in a minimum 30 percent tax rate on household income above $1 million, the advisors said.
He had earlier backed the idea but not included it in his budget proposals.
The White House also will bring back a long-running proposal to cap itemized deductions and exemptions among wealthier taxpayers - starting at household income of roughly $250,000.
The cap would apply to the same list of deductions in years past, officials said. That includes the charitable tax break and the exemption for municipal bond interest.
Obama is not seeking to raise individual tax rates as he has in prior budgets, according to a White House document. For years, he sought to raise rates on household income above $250,000.
The fiscal cliff deal raised rates for households earning more than $450,000 a year, from 35 percent to 39.6 percent.
Also in the budget is ending the tax break for "carried interest" profits earned by fund managers like those who run private equity and other investment firms, officials said.
Administration officials also said to expect the White House to pitch familiar ideas to limit energy tax breaks, curb tax shifting to low-tax countries like the Cayman Islands, and a bid to end a tax break for corporate jets.
Obama proposes cutting the top U.S. corporate tax rate to 28 percent from 35 percent, now the highest in the industrialized world.
Obama has said that he backs a full-scale revamp of the entire tax code, both individual and corporate, and a White House summary called the budget proposals a "down payment."
Top tax-writers in Congress also back a tax rewrite, but the process is fraught with disagreement over how to streamline the code and whether to raise new revenue in the process.


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Jonathan Lethem has a haunting new story of astronauts stranded on a space station in this week's New Yorker. "Lostronaut" is a depressingly bleak, yet beautiful, story told in the form of an astronaut's letters home to a loved one. It's the most science fictional thing I've seen from Lethem in ages, and also one of my favorite pieces of his writing ever. And it's the first piece of science fiction the New Yorker has seen fit to publish in ages. Spoilers ahead. The New Yorker used to champion science fiction, back in the Tina Brown era, but of late, it's turned up hits long cartoon nose at the genre. So "Lostronaut" is a good way of dipping back into the inky waters of the genre. It's really worth checking out "Lostronaut" for yourself, but in a nutshell, it's a story of an astronaut, who we learn is female at some point, writing to her lover, Chase, who's back in New York. The astronaut, and five others, are trapped on a space station where everything is slowly breaking down, and the Chinese have put up mines to keep them from escaping for some reason. There are leaf-cutter bees running wild, from the semi-failed hydroponic garden. ("We're all in denial about the bees," Lethem writes at one point.) And then the narrator gets a tumor on her foot, and has to go through chemotherapy in space, before she finally has it amputated. The thing I love about the story is the juxtaposition of the grinding realities of life in space with the stuff the narrator imagines her lover is doing, back on Earth. There are some really gorgeous passages, Lethem's best prose, like this one:
We're soaring atoms, Chase, that's what orbit consists of, the inhuman hastening of infinitesimal specklike bodies through an awesome indifferent void, yet in our cramped homely craft, its rooms named to evoke childhood comforts, with our blobs of toothpaste drifting between our brushes and the mirror, our farts and halitosis filling the chambers with odor, we've defaulted to an illusion of substance. Inside Northern Lights, we've managed to kid ourselves that we exist, that we're curvaceous or lumpy or angular, bristling with hair and snot, taking up a certain amount of room, and that space and time have generously accorded a margin in which we're invited to operate these sizable greedy bodies of ours, a margin in which to dwell, to hang out and live our pale stinky stories.
Really great, if depressing, stuff. Check it out. [New Yorker, thanks to Heepcak]


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Here's your twelve word season recap: The Pirates had a bad week, then had a pretty good week. Today they go for the sweep against the Reds and try to even up their record at 6-6. Today's lineup can be found on the sidebar to the right.
Recent moves:
Chris Leroux was Designated for Assignment and Bryan Morris called up from AAA.
Phil Irwin was called up today to take a turn for Wandy Rodriguez and his gimpy hamstring. Josh Harrison was optioned to AAA to make room. If I'm reading the tea leaves correctly, this move portends the activation of Brandon Inge from the DL when Irwin is sent back down.
Filed under: baseball, Pirates | Tagged: baseball, Brandon Inge, Bryan Morris, Chris Leroux, Josh Harrison, Phil Irwin, Pirates, Reds, Wandy Rodriguez | Leave a comment »


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There are some football matches that will never be forgotten, memorable clashes that awaken feelings of joy or pain in the hearts of players and spectators alike whenever they come up in conversation. And one encounter that most definitely belongs in this category is France's fateful FIFA World Cup™ qualifier against Bulgaria on 17 November 1993.
With a packed Parc des Princes cheering them on, LesBleus were confident of clinching their place at the biggest football show on earth for the first time since 1986. But on a chilly winter evening in the French capital, the visiting Bulgarians proved they had not come to Paris for the sightseeing. Now **FIFA.com takes you back in time to relive a dramatic evening.
The Summary * 17 November 1993, Parc des Princes, Paris
*France 1-2 Bulgaria Scorers:Cantona 32 (France); Kostadinov 37, 90 (Bulgaria)
**France: Lama, Desailly, Roche, Blanc, Petit, Le Guen, Deschamps, Sauzee (Guerin 81), Pedros, Papin (Ginola 69), Cantona.
Bulgaria: Mikhailov, Kremenliev, Ivanov, Khubtchev, Tzvetanov (Aleksandrov 82), Yankov, Letchkov (Borimirov 82), Balakov, Kostadinov, Luboslav Penev, Stoitchkov.
The Stakes
Two months prior to the decisive clash, France looked odds-on certainties to qualify for USA 1994. Out in front in Group 6 with 13 points to their name, Gerard Houllier's side only had to secure a point from their final two games, both at home, to secure their place in the finals.
Lying third, two points behind Sweden and three adrift of the French, the Bulgarians knew they had no margin for error as they went into their last two fixtures, the first of them coming on 13 October, when Dimitar Penev's men easily disposed of Austria 4-1.
That same evening, section leaders France were hosting lowly Israel, whom they had comfortably beaten 4-0 away in the first meeting between the two. Two-one ahead with ten minutes remaining, Les Bleus were firmly on course to achieve their objective. Late goals from Eyal Berkovic and Reuven Atar, the latter striking in the third minute of injury time, gave the Israelis a shock win, however, leaving France with the task of taking something from their final match. Reprieved by the Israelis, Bulgaria knew that a win in Paris would take them through.
The Story
On a perfect evening for football the fans flocked to the Parc des Princes to roar their heroes on. Despite that slip-up against Israel, qualification still looked a certainty. And while the strains of L'Amérique by Joe Dassin did not echo over the stadium's tannoys as they had done in October, there was a general air of optimism as the blue hordes gathered.
Intent on conducting a commando-style operation, their opponents were confident they had the necessary talent to pull off a surprise win. As expected, however, the hosts made a strong start, dominating the opening exchanges. Even so, for all their possession, Houllier's charges were aware of the dangers the eastern Europeans posed and were anxious for a goal to settle their nerves.
It arrived half an hour in. Stationed on the right side of midfield Didier Deschamps swung in a cross to Jean-Pierre Papin, who nodded the ball into the path of the onrushing Eric Cantona. Caught unawares by the speed of the French move, the Bulgarian defence were powerless to prevent Cantona from volleying past the exposed Borislav Mikhailov to put Houllier's side in front.
However, it was then that France's fears began to betray them. Within five minutes Emil Kostadinov had headed Krasimir Balakov's corner kick past the stranded Bernard Lama to tie the match up at 1-1. As the tension mounted so the French became increasingly panicky, even though they remained masters of their own destiny.
Twenty-one minutes remained when David Ginola came on for the cramp-stricken Papin and with just 20 seconds to go the substitute won a free kick deep in the Bulgarian half, down by the corner flag. Vincent Guerin slid a short pass to the winger but rather than shield the ball and run the clock down the PSG man decided to swing a deep cross into the Bulgarian box.
With no French shirts in sight, the visitors regained possession and surged forward. While the blue shirts desperately backtracked, Luboslav Penev dinked a delicious pass through to Kostadinov, who surged into the box. Although the ball was bouncing awkwardly, that didn't stop the speedy forward from lashing a drive past Lama and into the roof of the net. With just two seconds of normal time remaining, France were out.
The Star
Thanks in no small part to his match-winning brace, Kostadinov became a legend in his homeland. The main architect of his side's stunning victory, the right-winger was a vital component of coach Penev's 3-4-3 system, partnering centre-forward Penev and the left-sided Hristo Stoitchkov to great effect, never more impressively than in those pulsating 90 minutes against the French. It proved to be one of the performances of his fine career and at no point did the men in blue manage to keep the elusive Kostadinov under control.
They said
"The adventure is over all too soon. With only 30 seconds remaining we were there but we got stabbed in the back and at the worst possible time. The referee still had his whistle to his mouth when Ginola won that free kick near the corner flag, but then he goes and sends in a huge 60-metre cross instead of hanging on to the ball. That allowed Bulgaria to go and hit us on the counter." Gerard Houllier, France coach.
"We've made real asses of ourselves." Didier Deschamps, France midfielder.
"And to think that a month ago we thought we were out. The French were so scared they played with their buttocks clenched. We knew that's how they would be and our tactics were based on that. They played for a draw and never went looking for the win. They didn't deserve to qualify and we hit them where it hurt the most." Hristo Stoitchkov, Bulgaria forward.
What happened next?
After reaching USA 94, Bulgaria enjoyed the most successful FIFA World Cup finals of their history. Against all expectations, Stoitchkov and Co stunned Argentina 2-0 in the final group game to earn a place in the Round of 16. While lucky to squeeze past Mexico 3-1 on penalties, Penev's men shone in a 2-1 quarter-final defeat of Germany before bowing out 2-1 in the semis against Italy. The eastern Europeans ended the tournament fourth after slipping to a 4-0 reverse to Sweden in the match for third place. Even so, Bulgarian football never enjoyed such heady times either before or since.
As for the French, Houllier was quickly replaced by his No2 Aime Jacquet, the prelude to the most glorious period in the country's footballing history. After exiting UEFA EURO 1996 following a semi-final penalty shootout against the Czechs, Les Bleus crowned themselves world champions at France 1998 and then added the European title two years later. Despite those riches, however, the merest mention of that disastrous November night is enough to make any France fan come out in a cold sweat.


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UnNews:Pope says 'The Big Bang Theory' is a good show
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
7 January 2011
VATICAN CITY -- On Thursday Pope Benedict XVI gave a sermon at Saint Peter's Basilica to commemorate Epiphany, the Christian holy day honoring the Magi visiting the Christ child. At one point during the sermon, the Pope became sidetracked and starting rambling about the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory.
|Do any of you watch The Big Bang Theory? It's a really good show. Very funny. It's about two nerdy physicist guys who hang out with a blond woman named Penny, who lives across the hall. The main guy with the glasses, Leonard, is in love with her, while his roommate, Sheldon, is extremely annoying and anal retentive. There's also two ethnic nerds, Howard and Raj, who drop by. They usually all talk about science and comic books and play video games and eat Chinese food. Sweet Queen of Heaven, I love that show!
The Pope went on to say Leonard's efforts to date Penny is, "symbolic of the continual struggle to have a relationship with Christ," and called Sheldon, "a true Catholic" for "his very ordered lifestyle and his devotion to sexual abstinence." He referred to the character Howard, who lives with his mother, for being "clearly allegory to the Jewish peoples' close relationship to Mother Church." The Pope also praised the show's laugh track and multiple-camera setup for "showing dedication to tradition amidst a world of constant change." He stated that Catholics should "be cautioned, yet not completely turned off" by the fact that the show was written by the creator of Two and a Half Men. Finally, he called the opening theme song by Barenaked Ladies "Heaven's music," which is, "fitting for a show where the characters' concern is the majestic power of the heavens." After this, Pope Benedict returned to the subject of the three wise men's holy gifts to Baby Jesus, never mentioning the televison show again, except when he concluded the sermon by exclaiming Sheldon's catchphrase, "Bazinga!"
Many Catholic theologians question why the Pope felt the need to promote an American sitcom in a sermon. Some infer that he's trying to reach out to a new generation, making Catholicism "hip," while attempting to make up for the Church's bad blood with scientific culture for centuries. Others believe he's simply going senile. The fact that the Holy Father wants to make "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock" part of the official Papal conclave seems to be evidence of the latter hypothesis.
The Big Bang Theory airs Thursday nights at 8/7c on CBS and Monday through Friday at 19:30 on Italia 1 at the Vatican.
- Philip Pullella "God was behind Big Bang, universe no accident: Pope" Reuters, January 6, 2011
- Richard Allen Greene "D'oh! Vatican declares Bart and Homer Simpson Catholics" The CNN Wire, October 18, 2010


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Hahn in getting-to-know period with Garcia
CHICAGO -- Avisail Garcia has just 13 walks in 185 plate appearances this season between stops at Lakeland, Toledo and currently Triple-A Charlotte. But White Sox general manager Rick Hahn prefers people look at what the team's newest acquisition is able to do, as opposed to his less than polished skills.
"If he is able to hit at the level we think he's able to hit at, hit for the power we feel he's able to do, play defense and run, he's going to be doing a lot of things on a daily basis to help you win, even if the walk numbers aren't quite as high," said Hahn of Garcia, acquired at the non-waiver Trade Deadline in the deal that sent Jake Peavy to Boston. "Looking at the entirety of the player, regardless of what is happening with plate discipline, we think we have a pretty valuable guy on our hands going forward.
"I will say it is something that he is aware of. It is part of the finishing touches of his development. And it's something that he is going to improve over the course of his career in the coming months and here in Chicago."
Garcia, 22, will be in Chicago at some point this season, per Hahn, but when he arrives, the White Sox want him to have every day at-bats. As for the 6-foot-4, 240-pounder playing center field, it could end up being a premium offensive player in what usually is considered a premium defensive position.
"Traditionally, center field is not a premium offensive position," Hahn said. "You put a premium offensive player at a premium defensive position, it puts you in a pretty good spot for a club going forward.
"We are not married to the idea of him playing center. We wanted to take a look at it, get to know the kid a little bit better. He's extremely athletic, he has a world of tools and we want to give him the opportunity to play it out again at the premium position, even if he ultimately does wind up at a corner here in Chicago."


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A Labour government would make it mandatory to report allegations of sexual abuse in an effort to prevent a repeat of the Rotherham sexual abuse scandal.
Shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper said the measure would help change the culture of institutions where abuse claims had not been taken seriously enough in the past.
The Government is already considering whether to introduce the measure, but the Department for Education said it would not necessarily have made a significant impact in Rotherham.
Ed Miliband said the Government must set up its child abuse inquiry as soon as possible
The pressure to act has been stepped up following the publication of a devastating report into events in Rotherham which found at least 1,400 children were abused over 16 years from 1997.
Ms Cooper told The Observer: "We are still seeing the same mistakes being made, victims not being listened to. It is now time to have the mandatory duty to report, to make clear that cultural change has to take place in every institution.
"It will also challenge the idea that any professional should be tempted to think that things can be solved quietly or privately by brushing them under the carpet. A clear signal needs to be put out that people should not put institutional reputation before protecting children."
Labour is also planning to make the cover-up or concealment of known child abuse a criminal offence, the newspaper reported.
Ms Cooper said: "There cannot be any hiding behind ethnicity or communities when abuse is being committed."
A Department for Education spokesman said: "We fully understand the public's anxiety about the potential under-reporting of abuse, particularly sexual abuse, and are actively considering the case for a mandatory reporting duty. We are co-operating with the Home Office who are leading the work on this.
"It's important to note that mandatory reporting is not a silver bullet and would not necessarily have made a significant impact in the case of Rotherham where referrals were made - but the response was not good enough.
"Existing statutory guidance is already crystal clear that professionals should refer immediately to social care when they are concerned about a child or vulnerable adult.
"Many thousands of referrals are made to children's social care each year. In the year ending March 2013 there were 593,500 referrals."
A committee of MPs is poised to examine the treatment of a 2002 report by a Home Office researcher into child sexual exploitation in Rotherham which was "effectively suppressed" by the authorities in the town, according to Prof Jay.
Home Affairs Select Committee chairman Keith Vaz told the Independent on Sunday: "We would be very keen to get from the Home Office a full and frank response to the research that was commissioned in 2002.
"This is an essential part of the jigsaw to determine why the council failed to act, and whether the Home Office could have done more to ensure that it did act."
He added: "We want to see every piece of information the Home Office holds on this, and I will be writing to the Home Secretary to see what files it holds no this horrific behaviour in Rotherham."
Labour leader Ed Miliband has challenged the Government to set up its wide-ranging inquiry into child abuse as soon as possible following Professor Alexis Jay's report on Rotherham.
The inquiry, announced by Home Secretary Theresa May, was announced in July but was set back after Baroness Butler-Sloss stepped down as chairwoman.
Mr Miliband said: "T he case now is overwhelming for the Government to get an overarching inquiry into child abuse up and running.
"We have seen scandals of child abuse in different institutions, in different parts of the country and stretching across different decades.
"An overarching inquiry has been delayed too long and needs to get moving as fast as possible to start listening to all those who have been let down by a system set up to protect them.
"Alongside the inquiry, it is of vital importance that we kick-start a culture change in child protection that leads to a stronger system that will keep our children safe."
Rotherham's MP Sarah Champion said o ne of the most upsetting aspects of the scandal was that babies born to some victims were taken away from them and their mothers will never see them again.
The Labour MP said it "spoke volumes" about how the authorities did not see these children as victims, adding that she will investigate what counselling the mothers have been offered.
Rotherham MP Sarah Champion said some victims of the abuse scandal in the town had babies taken away from them which they never saw again
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