CONFESSIONS    OF   A    DRUNKARD.  413

But  what  if  the  beginning  be  dieadflil,  the  first  steps
not  Hke  cHmbing  a  mountain  but  going  through  fire  ?
what  if  the  whole  system  must  undergo  a  change  vio-
lent as  that  which  we  conceive  of  the  mutation  of  form
in  some  insects  ?  what  if  a  process  comparable  to  flay-
ing alive  be  to  be  gone  through  ?  is  the  weakness  that
sinks  under  such  struggles  to  be  confounded  with  the
pertinacity  which  clings  to  other  vices,  which  have
induced  no  constitutional  necessity,  no  engagement  of
the  whole  victim,  body  and  soul  ?

I  have  known  one  in  that  state,  when  he  has  tried
to  abstain  but  for  one  evening,  —  though  the  poisonous
potion  had  long  ceased  to  bring  back  its  first  enchant-
ments, though  he  was  sure  it  would  rather  deepen
his  gloom  than  brighten  it,  —  in  the  violence  of  the
struggle,  and  the  necessity  he  has  felt  of  getting  rid  of
the  present  sensation  at  any  rate,  I  have  known  him  to
scream  out,  to  cry  aloud,  for  the  anguish  and  pain  of
the  strife  within  him.
Why  should  I  hesitate  to  declare,  that  the  man  of
whom  I  speak  is  myself?  I  have  no  puling  apology  to
make  to  mankind.  I  see  them  all  in  one  way  or  an-
other deviating  from  the  pure  reason.  It  is  to  my  own
nature  alone  I  am  accountable  for  the  woe  that  I  have
brought  upon  it.
