Hello From The Magic Tavern - Episode #6 [fantasy, humor, chat] #C.txt

[ Author: Hello From The Magic Tavern; Title: Episode #6; Tags: humor, chat; Genre: comedy, fantasy ]
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Mysterious Man: The following podcast is not real. But it is really sponsored by Field Notes Brand. USA-made memo books and other products, including seasonal limited editions. Visit fieldnotesbrand.com, or 400 North May.
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Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!
(trill)
Arnie: A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp, I'm from Chicago. If you haven't listened to the podcast before, here's a real quick explanation of what's happened. A few weeks ago, about a month ago, I fell through a dimensional rift behind a Burger King, into this magical land called Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight wifi signal from the Burger King, I guess through the dimensional rift. And so I'm hosting a weekly podcast from a tavern in Foon. The tavern is called the vermilion Minotaur, and I'm actually very excited this week that I've been able to talk the tavern owner into being a guest on the podcast. And we'll get to you in a second, but first I want to, uh, introduce my…mostly weekly co-host, Chunt, the talking badger.
Chunt: And your roommate. Hey, how's it going, Arnie?
Arnie: And my roommate, exactly. You've been very kind to let me stay with you.
Chunt: No worries, yeah, no worries.
Arnie: I've been there for almo-, over a month.
Chunt: Yeah. It's flown by.
Arnie: And uh, Usidore the wizard is here…
Chunt: Do you have sarcasm in…your world?
Arnie: laughs Yes, yes.
Chunt: Oh, 'cause I said, "It's flown by" but I…was (trailing off) being sarcastic.
Arnie: You were being sarcastic.
Chunt: Yeah.
Arnie: Okay. I'm sorry.
Chunt: No, I was-
Arnie: Do you want me to not…have I been staying there too long?
Chunt: I'd rather you- I'd rather know that you're with me and safe, then out somewhere else wandering around, but…
Arnie: I w-, 'Cause I have like, nothing. I have no money-
Otok: We have plenty of open rooms.
Arnie: You have plenty of open rooms here?
Otok: We do!
Arnie: Well, why don't we go ahead and introduce our guest.
Otok: Oh, sorry.
Arnie: Our guest, uh, why don't you introduce yourself?
Otok: Uh… (sighs as Usidore's voice gets increasingly louder in the background)
Arnie: Oh, I'm sorry…
Usidore: eventually shouting…and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know me as Fi'ang Yalok! The dwarves know me as Zoenen Hoogastangs.
Arnie: somewhat sadly Hoobastank.
Usidore: And I am known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar. You…(fades out again)
Arnie: U-
Otok: Uh-
Arnie: Usidore is here, he's just wandering ar- I think he's drunk. I think he's wandering around trying-
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Arnie: -to get people on his quest.
Otok: Fi'ang Yalok is here nearly every night of the week.
Arnie: Oh, so you refer to h- you know him as Fi'ang Yalok?
Otok: Oh, I'm sorry yeah, well, I'm half. Half, half-elf.
Arnie: Oh, you're half-elf?
Otok: Right.
Arnie: Wow, okay, all right, I'm sorry-
Otok: So it's just habit.
Arnie: Please introduce yourself.
Otok: Um, I'm sorry. Otok Barleyfoot, owner and operator of the Vermilion Minotaur.
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Otok: It's a family-run business.
Arnie: I'm so excited to have you on. 'Cause I've been hosting this podcast every week since I've gotten here. I love the vermilion Minotaur, it's a cool-
Otok: Thank you.
Arnie: -tavern, and lots of adventurers and different people come through here.
Otok: I hope you've tried our spiced potatoes!
Arnie: I hav- I haven't. I haven't tried the spiced potatoes.
Otok: sighs Okay.
Arnie: I'm not a big…I'm not a big starch guy?
Otok: All right.
Chunt: If I were to look at you, I'd say you're a big starch guy. (laughs)
Arnie: laughs Chunt, are you okay? I feel like maybe I'm upsetting you.
Chunt: I'm a little high st-, I'm a little high-strung, okay? I'm a little high-strung. I just came from a session. I had a-
Arnie: You-
Chunt: Do you- Are you familiar with fetishes? Do you know what fetishes are?
Arnie: Yes.
Chunt: I make a little- whenever I change into a new animal, I'm currently a badger, I've been a badger for a little while. Uh…there's a group of people who will pay me to pose…
Arnie: Uh-huh.
Chunt: For a fetish, and I- they have me, I"ll like grubs or something, and they'll watch me eat grubs, or-
Arnie: Uh-huh.
Chunt: I'll wear just like, a wet t-shirt that says like, uh, "Kiss the Chunt" or something like that.
Arnie: Oh…
Otok: It's the underbelly of…
Chunt: Yeah.
Otok: Hogsface.
Arnie: Yeah, there's a-
Chunt: "Got Chunt", so I mean it's just-
Arnie: Got Chu- oh, yeah.
Chunt: There's a certain select group who are into watching me in whatever state I'm in do…certain deeds.
Arnie: Yeah, I guess that explains why that explains why that one day, you came home with a wet t-shirt that said, "Chunt Hardly Wait"…
Chunt: laughs
Arnie: laughs
Chunt: Yeah, I don't know why I wrote that, I don't know what was coming into my mind, but, "Chunt Hardly Wait".
Arnie: But I'm sorry, I'd like to get back to our guest. So, I love the vermilion Minotaur-
Otok: Thank you.
Arnie: So tell me a little bit about the establishment.
Otok: Well, as you can see, it's um, it's carved out of the base of a barleywood tree.
Arnie: Ooo.
Otok: Right at the edge of McShingleshane forest.
Arnie: laughing Uh-huh.
Otok: It was carved out-
Arnie: I was wondering what the name of that forest was.
Otok: Oh, McShingleshane.
Arnie: Yeah.
Otok: And so, my family took it over right from the beginning-
Arnie: Uh-huh.
Otok: -Called it the Vermilion Minotaur because of the old vermilion minotaur legend.
Arnie: Wh- what is the Legend of the Vermilion Minotaur?
Chunt: Ooo, let me…I'm gonna' blow out some candles here.
Arnie: Ooo, wow, it's spooky!
Chunt: Set the mood, I'm gonna' set the mood.
Otok: Thank you. Thank you, Chunt. Chunt used to work here, so we have a pretty good-
Arnie: I did not know that!
Otok: -relationship.
Chunt: Yep.
Otok: Yeah.
Chunt: Every once in a while I'll bounce here. Depending on the size of the animal, I'll be a bouncer.
Arnie: Wow.
Chunt: But if I'm (chuckles) if I'm a caterpillar or something, I'll probably just…(laughs) stay inside.
Arnie: laughs
Otok: Back in the kitchen.
Chunt: Yeah.
Arnie: Is it safe for a caterpillar in the kitchen?
Chunt: I usually just wrap a cocoon around myself.
Otok: Yeah.
Arnie: So, the Vermilion Minot- the, uh-
Otok: The Vermilion Minot-, ah yes, the Legend of the Vermilion Minotaur, um, is of course the old story when the, um, the…countess' baby, um, was trapped in the forest. And eight vermilion minotaurs invited the baby into their labyrinth.
Arnie: Uh-huh.
Otok: And then, the heavens rained down, and then…the horses came…
Arnie and Chunt: laughing quietly
Arnie: This is a very- I'm having a-
Otok: I'm not a good- You know-
Arnie: It's hard to parse this, this legend!
Chunt: It's, well there's, it's told a few ways-
Arnie: It sounds like it's like a fever dream!
Chunt: I think it's open-
Otok: Uh, it might be me. My wife was the storyteller. Um-
Arnie: Are you okay?
Otok: Yeah, um. I'm sorry. I just…it's a story I used to tell my daughter.
Arnie: I don't think I've met your daughter. Or your wife.
Otok: Well, my wife…my wife passed some years ago.
Arnie: Oh, I'm sor- I'm very sorry.
Otok: She was crushed by a barleywood tree.
Arnie: Oh…
Otok: And my daughter, um, she ran away. She wanted to be a warrior.
Arnie: Uh-huh?
Otok: And she joined the um, the Falsetto Marauders.
Arnie: The Falsetto Marauders?
Otok: And I haven't seen her in…two Blunders.
Arnie: I'm so sorry to hear about…the tragedies in your family.
Otok: Right.
Arnie: I don't know if you want to talk about it, or we could change the subject…we could talk about the-
Otok: No, it's fine. I uh- and in fact…quite frankly I'm looking for, I'm looking for some adventurers to um-
Arnie: Mm-hmm?
Otok: -to aid me in getting my daughter back.
Arnie: astonished Really? So you have your own quest that you wanna' go on?
Otok: Yeah. Fi'ang Yalok, I've spoken to him about it, um, he seems distracted-
Arnie: Yeah.
Otok: -with something else. Um, but you know, ideally I'd get some help.
Arnie: Yeah, I mean-
Otok: Getting her back.
Arnie: I have to stay here, because this is pretty important communication-
Otok: Right.
Arnie: Explain this world to our world.
Otok: Well, y-
Chunt: And I was like, Arnie's got a similar situation where, kinda similar, where he's left his wife and daughter behind?
Arnie: laughs I'm not-
Chunt: And he's done nothing to search for them.
Otok: Ooooh.
Arnie: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Otok: You chose to leave them behind?
Arnie: No, that is absolutely not true. I, I have a w- a wife and a newborn, uh, child at home, and I am heartbroken that I am not with them, and I worry, and think about it every day. Uh, I did not intentionally come here, I'm really just trying to make the best out of it, and trying to do important work with this podcast, but I, like you, am very heartbroken.
Otok: You seem pretty jovial.
Arnie: No I- (laughs)
Otok: And- (laughs) Could we get-?
Chunt: Could we get some spicy potatoes over here?
Otok: Yes, please, the spiced…(clears throat)
Arnie: So- okay, so you're trying to get adventurers together.
Otok: Right.
Arnie: Your daughter went off to, with the Falsetto Marauders? Is that what you said?
Otok: Yes. That is correct. They're a mercenary group of warriors. They're always looking for young, young trainees.
Arnie: And do they sing?
Chunt: No, it's- you know when they're near, because you hear like a (breathy, high pitched whine). Like a "Whaa"
Otok: Warrior call.
Chunt: Yeah.
Usidore: off-mic far in background, unintelligible
Arnie: And so, is she in any partic- Like, I mean, first of all you should go after her, but…it seems like she chose to go off…
Otok: The Falsetto Marauders are the worst kind of people on the face of Foon! I mean, they're disgusting animals!
Arnie: What, what horrible things have they done?
Otok: They killed off all of the, the sheep…
(long pause)
Arnie and Otok: laughing
Chunt: scoffs All- I mean we don't have sh-, we used to have sheep, we don't have any more. I know when my cousin was a baby, they walked by and just like, smacked him.
Arnie: I gotta' say-
Chunt: Across the face. Like, a baby.
Arnie: Look, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that those things aren't (laughing) I'm not saying that those-
Chunt: Are you laughing at my cousin getting smacked?
Arnie: still laughing I'm so sorry…
Otok: And that's not the only-
Chunt: In the f-
Otok: -baby they've smacked, either.
Arnie: Sure. Look, I'm not saying-
Otok: When they, when you hear that sound coming into town-
Usidore: off-mic, much louder -SUPPOSE YOU CAN (unintelligible) WEST WITH SPINTAX THE GREEN, THEN! (unintelligible, angry) USIDORE SHALL NOT STAND FOR IT! (more unintelligible, angry shouting, growing quieter as if leaving)
Chunt: Wizard fight! (laughs)
Arnie: Oh…
Otok: Ooo. (yelling) Not in here, boys!
Arnie: Look, I'm not saying that- I just that like, killing sheep and smacking babies, on the scale-
Otok: Every last sheep.
Arnie: On the scale of the kind of awful things you could do in this land, the stuff I've kinda' heard about, this seems, pretty small scale stuff.
Otok: Would you want your daughter, your abandoned daughter, to join a-
Arnie: Not ab- Abandoned is an exaggeration.
Otok: -a group of angry, baby-slapping, sheep-killing marauders?
Arnie: No, of course. I'm just saying like, if this is what she wants to be doing with her life…?
Otok: Activia had a beautiful voice.
Arnie: Activia?
Otok: My daughter.
Arnie: Her name was Activia?
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Otok: That's correct.
Chunt: We used to, uh, any time we'd see her around town we'd kind-of sing it? (singing to the tune of the Activia yogurt jingle) Ac-ti-via…
Arnie: Okay, well you know what? Let's take a quick break.
Usidore: off-mic, much closer than before Augh! I'm caught in my robe! I'm caught in my robe!
Otok: sighs
Arnie: Um, we gotta' help Usidore.
Otok: We can't have this.
Arnie: We're gonna' take a quick break, refresh our drinks, and help Usidore, and we'll be right back with more tales from the Vermilion Minotaur.
(Ad Music)
Usidore: off-mic I think this will be a wonderful opportunity for you. (clears throat) To get out of Hogsface and learn a little bit more about the world around you! Well it turns out that there is evil in this world-
Unknown voice: yelling angrily Shut up!
Usidore: Take up arms against it for it is each ourouururrrururrrururrruh our duty to decide when it is time, for we can no longer stand for the evil-
Unknown voice: still yelling This is horsh- Shut up!
Usidore: To invade our lives.
Unknown voice: anguished groan
Usidore: This is your- this is your last chance! I won't ask YOU AGAIN! THIS IS, I WON'T ASK FOR YOU TO COME ALONG WITH ME ON MY WONDERFUL JOURNEY! SO MUCH GOLD AND HONOR AND PRESTIGE TO BE WON!
(Ad music ends)
Arnie: Welcome back! All right, so we, I guess we've helped Usidore, at least as much as we possibly can. I wanna' talk a little bit more about the, the tavern itself.
Otok: Well, it's a place to, to meet friends.
Arnie: Mm-hmm.
Otok: To have good conversation.
Arnie: Yeah?
Otok: We've got some, sort of out of, out of bar activities we do?
Arnie: Uh-huh.
Otok: We've got a mittens team. And in fact, we're down a guy…if…all right, well we'll talk later.
Arnie: Ah, I don't- I'm not very athletic myself. I know Usidore has been really wanting to get into playing mittens.
Otok: …Yeah. (sighs) Yeah, he's mentioned that.
Arnie: …Not- Okay, that's fine.
Otok: Yeah, we don't-
Arnie: I, I get it. You don't even-
Otok: We've got a w-wizard.
Chunt: chuckles
Arnie: laughs That's not a big-
Otok: mutters So we don't really need another one…
Arnie: That's not a big deal. What's it like running a tavern in a magical land? Is it dangerous? I mean, I know we're on, what is it? This big, through-fare road, you probably get a lot of strange creatures and adventurers coming in all the time.
Otok: Right, well, they always come in here. I mean, where do you think they get their rumors and their gossip? They come here, to the Vermilion Minotaur. Our barkeeps are more than happy to supply it.
Arnie: Yeah.
Otok: But it can be dangerous, I mean, I mean I already told you how my daughter is gone-
Arnie: Yeah.
Otok: And my wife was crushed, so-
Arnie: I know, I know, we talked- (laughs)
Otok: It's weird that you're leading me to more-
Chunt: singing Ac-ti-via!
Arnie: That's really bringing the podca- let's not talk so much about that anymore. So, the bartenders being kind-of rumor mongers, are they trained to do that?
Usidore: muttering incoherently far in the background
Otok: Well, it just comes naturally. I mean, people come for, they're looking for work, they're looking for adventure, and they ask the barkeep.
Arnie: Are you, do you collect rumors yourself? Like are there any juicy rumors floating around lately?
Otok: tisks I mean, I've got a couple. I mean, I don't know if I wanna' spread it. You know, I'll give you one.
Arnie: Great!
Otok: I'll give you one. Um, so the, the Raven's Crew? Um, you know-
Arnie: I don't know what that is.
Otok: Oh, well they're, um, they kind-of kidnap children?
Arnie: Uh-huh.
Otok: Yeah. The Raven's Crew?
Chunt: They don't smack 'em though. They kidnap 'em.
Arnie: They just-
Usidore: far in the background…all of Foon will…
Otok: No, they don't smack 'em.
Chunt: They don't smack 'em or slap 'em-
Usidore: in background, suddenly louder darkness! (Continues, unintelligible)
Otok: Right, they're just a kidnapping of children g- it's a religious cult.
Arnie: Oh, I see.
Otok: The Raven's Crew, they're very um, and so they kidnap children, they bring them to their palace, and um, brainwash them.
Usidore: continuing to recruit in the background, mostly unintelligible
Arnie: Yeah.
Otok: Anyway, there's a rumor that one of them is working um, at the, uh, cobbler.
Arnie: Really?
Otok: Yeah. I don't know if it's a former Raven's Crew member or a current, but-
Usidore: Getting steadily louder he shall sit upon a chair, a trophy of his…a lost man…
Otok: -it's just one little rumor I heard.
Chunt: Yeah, I heard that one.
Arnie: laughs You heard that one as well? No one tells me-
Chunt: I heard, I heard he's also uh, I heard he's gay.
(pause, Usidore still talking in the background)
Chunt: laughs
Arnie: That's…fine.
Otok: Yeah.
Chunt: No, it's fine, I've had sex with, with male animals, it's just…it's something to talk about.
Arnie: Sure, of course.
Otok: Usually you have to buy a second ale to get that extra rumor.
Arnie: Ah, I see! So it's kind-of an unsp-
Chunt: I'm sorry, I blew his wad-
Otok: It's all right! No, Chunt, it's, don't worry about it.
Arnie: It's like an unspoken menu item.
Otok: Right. You know, it's like, "Ah, I'll have another ale from the barkeep" well-
Chunt: Let me be clear, Chunt doesn't care about homosexuality, it's just…it's just fun to talk about.
Arnie: It's just fun to talk about.
Chunt: Everyone loves to talk about sexuality, right?
Arnie: Sure, of course! Yeah!
Chunt: Do you ha-, I mean, in your world do you talk about who's gay and who's not?
Arnie: Yeah, I suppose we do, to some extent.
Chunt: Yeah, but it's not in like a nasty way, it's just like, "Oh, that's fun."
Arnie: I mean, unfortunately some people do talk about it in a nasty way. But then, also, people, I guess people do just generally gossip. I mean, especially if you're not sure, or surprised…
Chunt: Yeah.
Arnie: Or w-, like uh, it switches?
Chunt: Chunt accepts all.
Otok: Foon is a pretty accepting place.
Arnie: It seems like it. It does! It really does. And there's so many, and there's so many things to kind of be accepting of, like, you know, people who have sex with animals and then turn into those animals!
Otok: Right.
Chunt: Right, thank you. Can I ask you something real quick?
Usidore: laughing uproariously, much closer Yes! My friend Chunt is a shapeshifter! Say- Chunt! Wave!
Chunt: Hello!
Usidore: Hello! That's Chunt!
Arnie: Usidore, if you're going to try to engage us, I wish you would be on the podcast.
Usidore: I'm sorry?
Arnie: If you're going to try to engage us, I wish you would be on the podcast.
Usidore: I'm trying-
Arnie: Do you reali- you know every week, you've been on this podcast!
Usidore: I know, but I'm, I'm…I'm working hard this week, Arnold. I'm going to recruit some adventurers to defeat the Dark Lord!
Arnie: Okay.
Usidore: I'm re-committed! (laughs)
Unknown voice: annoyed I'm trying to study!
Arnie: All right.
Otok: Ah, yeah.
Chunt: I feel like two more drinks and he'll be in the wizard state, so…
Arnie: Oh god, I hate the wizard state, so much.
Chunt: It can be a blessing.
Arnie: Yeah. Do you have any, like, what's like, so what are the perks of being a tavern owner?
Otok: Well, like I said, everybody kinda' comes to me.
Arnie: Yeah.
Otok: You know and I've known people since they were young, y'know.
Arnie: Sure!
Otok: We've been here. I've billed their fathers, and their father's fathers. We also do a good deal of charity work.
Arnie: Really?
Otok: And if you could-
Arnie: That's fantastic
Otok: -if you're going to be around, it'd be great if you would, y'know, chip in.
Arnie: Uhh, yeah, if I have time. What, like w- w-
Chunt: If you have time? To give money? (laughs)
Arnie: I- first of all I don't have any money.
Otok: Are you working?
Chunt: He didn't ask for a time commitment, he asked for mon- for a donation.
Arnie: Oh, I thought he was suggesting that I do some charity work.
Chunt: Oh, I thought you were suggesting a donation.
Otok: Well, I was suggesting a donation, but we also have our Vermilion Minotaur March coming up. And if you march around the outskirts of the town with us, that would also-
Arnie: And what does, what are we raising money for?
Otok: Um, for an extension for the Vermilion Minotaur…
Arnie: incredulous laughter That does not- wait, for- hold on, that's not charity. That's not charity!
Otok: We- uh, did you know that we house eight unwed mothers?
Arnie: I did not know that.
Otok: Well now you do.
Arnie: So, becau- (laughs) is this because of like your wife and that, y'know, your child, that-
Otok: I thought you didn't want to talk about that.
Arnie: I really, I guess I don't but it just seems so…Chunt, right, doesn't it seem…that seems like probably why?
Chunt: Do you think he slept with those women?
Arnie: No! (laughing) I'm not!
Chunt: You think he's the father of those-
Arnie: I'm-
Otok: How dare you?
Arnie: I'm not accusing you of anything!
Otok: And even if I did, I'm a- I'm a widower! My wife died-
Arnie: That's true! You were, I mean-
Otok: She would want-
Arnie: You can have sex with as many people as you want!
Otok: Okay. I haven't though.
Chunt: Can I ask you something? Can I ask you something direct? Because you seem…real…in a not real hurry to get home. Are you gay? Do you have a wife and kids, or are you gay?
Arnie: I'm not gay! I have, I- I love my wife and my child, and I really do want to get home to them, I'm just, y'know, while I'm here I'm trying to make the most of it.
Otok: You should know that there are a couple rumors about you.
Arnie: There are rumors about me?
Otok: Mm-hm.
Chunt: I spread most of them.
Otok: Yeah.
Arnie: Oh, Chunt. Well, what are the rumors?
Otok: Well, there's one that you're gay.
(Arnie laughs)
Chunt: Which you can't be upset with, right?
Arnie: I'm not upset!
Chunt: Because you said-
Arnie: No I'm not! Here's the thing, I'm not having sex with anybody here. I, I guess I can understand why people, yknow, I haven't immediately sidled up to a wench here, so I guess I'm…that means I'm gay, but I'm not!
Otok: We don't call them wenches.
Arnie: I'm too faithful! I'm sorry, what do you call them?
Otok: pause Barmaids.
Arnie: Barmaids? (laughs) Fair, fair, fair enough. All right, what's another rumor about me?
Otok: I don't know if you're gonna want to hear it.
Arnie: Is it really that bad?
Chunt: I told people that you poop standing up.
(chuckles)
Arnie: Yeah, one time!
Otok: And in Foon that's the sign of a…that's the Dark sign. I mean, one of the Dark signs.
Arnie: That, that means I'm evil?
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Otok: Mm-hmm.
Arnie: I didn't know- Look, first of all, the plumbing here is weird. There's no really good- I mean, in my world, going to the bathroom is very like, much more of a convenient situation. And so I was just trying to figure out the least grotesque way to kind of like poop in the arrangement here, and I was standing up, trying something out, Chunt walked in on me, it was embarrassing. It was really embarrassing.
Otok: Do you use something-
Usidore: in the background I know I've asked you before
Otok: -besides a poop pot and a thistle brush? Where you come from?
Usidore: in the background Make your children proud, pick up a sword! Yea, unwed mothers, come with me on this quest to defeat the Dark Lord!
Arnie: Oh no.
Otok: Oh no, stay away from them. (to Usidore) Fi'ang Yalok!
Usidore: in the background Please, I beg of you! Stop- Don't go to your day jobs!
Arnie: Don't- What kind of adventure is he going to have with a bunch of unwed mothers?
Otok: You're sick.
Chunt: You're bringing this down.
Arnie: I really- I was so excited to have- I feel like this has really taken a horrible turn. Y'know, I love the Vermilion Minotaur, I'm so excited to have you on as a guest, I'm sorry if I've offended you. And Chunt, I've clearly upset you as well.
Chunt: No, I told you, I had a long day of being fetishized, so it's just-
Arnie: Okay-
Chunt: -it's that.
Arnie: Well, what are some things coming up with the Vermilion Minotaur? People listening to this, in my world, if they can somehow come though that dimensional rift, if they find themselves in Foon-
Otok: Sure-
Arnie: -like things they could expect if they come to the Vermilion Minotaur.
Otok: Well, um, we have Open Mike Night.
Arnie: Wha, really?
Otok: Once a week, absolutely.
Arnie: That's so strange, because before I came here, you guys didn't even know what microphones were.
(pause)
Otok: Microphone?
Chunt: What are- Microphone?
Arnie: What is, what is Open Mic Night?
Chunt: We have a guy named Mike, and he'll split himself open.
Arnie: laughing Oh god!
Chunt: He's an inside-outer.
Otok: Yeah.
Chunt: Which means he can exist either with his skin intact or sort-of popped out.
Arnie: Eugh.
Chunt: And then he'll do like 2 to 3 minutes of standup.
(laughter)
Otok: It's…it gets pretty crowded here…on Open Mike Nights.
Arnie: What- I'm gonna- What night, what night of the week is Open Mike Night?
Otok: Flenday.
Arnie: laughs Flenday? All right, here's what I'm gonna' do. I'm gonna' figure out what day Flenday is, I'm gonna kinda' try to make it a point not to come on Flenday. And I'm sorry, I was just-
Chunt: Come on, I was testing out some new material! I told you about this the other day, I said, 'Come support my new material.'
Arnie: Aah- I didn't know-
Otok: Chunt's performing, yeah.
Chunt: Chunt's- Chunt's observations!
Arnie: All right Chunt, sure, show us some of your new material.
Chunt: Ah, don't make me be funny on the spot!
Arnie: All right, well how about this-
Chunt: Have you ever been walking…next to a tree…and a leaf will fall? And you're like, "Chunt's up with that?"
Otok: laughs
Chunt: That's my catchphrase, it's "Chunt's up with that"
Arnie: "Chunt's up with that?" Ok. That's- that's pretty good.
Chunt: I don't want any feedback from you.
Otok: And that's just one thing going on. And then there's Chunt's Night.
Arnie: There's Chunt's- there's a lot of Chunt-centric nights here.
Chunt: I'm uh, I mean, I've been here since I was a kid I've been running around here. Otok's been like a, like a father to me.
Otok: Aw, little Chunt, you should have known Chunt when he was a little, little guy.
Arnie: What was he like?
Otok: Well, he went through different phases. When he was different animals.
Arnie: What has been your favorite form that Chunt has been in?
Otok: Otter.
Arnie: Otter?
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Arnie: Otters are pretty adorable.
Otok: Yep.
Chunt: I used to come in here, just lay on my back and crack open clams on my tummy.
Arnie: Oh, that's pretty…that's pretty cute.
Otok: And then he'd have sex with a caterpillar.
Chunt: Yeah.
Otok: Head to the kitchen-
Chunt: simultaneous Yeah, 'See you in three months!'
Otok: simultaneous Fry him up.
Chunt: Yeah.
(laughter)
(trill)
Arnie: Otok, thank you so much for agreeing to be a guest on Hello From the Magic Tavern. I love the Vermilion Minotaur, I'm glad that people get a little bit more of a sense of this place we've been podcasting from every week.
Otok: Using my best booth.
Arnie: Yes! And please, I mean, I know you're often very busy running the place, but if you ever want to sit in on the podcast please, please do.
Otok: Thank you.
Arnie: And maybe we can get out word about your missing daughter…
Otok: Activia.
Arnie: About Activia. I mean, we won't dwell on it too much because it's kind of depressing but…
Usidore: in the background, singingAc-ti-vi-a!
Otok: All right. All right, Usidore.
Arnie: Um, as always, please, if you enjoy this podcast, go to iTunes, give us a review, give us five stars. And just let people know. This is a major discovery, and I'm sure most of earth is really going crazy about it right now. But on the off chance that it isn't major news, please get the word out there. Also, you can email us your questions about Foon at [email protected]. I swear it's a real email address, it's all I could get, there's some weird firewall with the Burger King WiFi- it's not worth going into. But, uh, we got an email from Joshua Bright, who asks: "Is there an amusement park in Foon? If so, what are its mascots and assorted attractions?" I don't even know if you would even know what an amusement park is. It's just like a…a large, like a fair?
Otok: Sure.
Arnie: Or a festival that's just always there, and you go, and there are rides, and people dressed up in weird costumes.
Chunt: Oohh, we have uh, there's Topple Land.
Otok: Yeah.
Chunt: And it's uh, you basically climb up to the top of a tree, and they'll, somebody will knock over the tree, and you just uh- It's where you go to die.
Arnie: Oh, god!
Chunt: It's when you're ready to die, yeah.
Arnie: I feel like that would be-
Chunt: So we don't have the term Amusement Park-
Arnie: Let's not talk about that, in front of-
Chunt: Oh okay. We call them Death Parks.
Arnie: I know, but his wife was killed by a tree.
Otok: Chunt knows.
Chunt: Yeah, I mean, we have that rapport so…
Otok: Right, at the Death Parks the trees aren't doing it intentionally, it's…part of the ritual.
Arnie: I see. Is it common for people to go and kill themselves at this…Topple Park?
Chunt: I mean if uh, a tree topples in the forest, does anyone hear it?
(pause)
Chunt: It's pretty common.
Arnie: Chunt's up with that?
Otok: Chunt's up with that?
***
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Mysterious Man: Well, what another wondrous array of imaginings in a fantastical world that isn't real, because it's fake. Chunt the Badger was brought to glorious life by the human Adal Rafai. Usidore the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Special guest Otok Barleyfoot was played by Nick Baer. He would agree with me that assembling an army of robots powered by the souls of children is no easy task. You can follow Nick on Twitter @nbaer. Don't be terrified by the unconventional spelling. ANd Evan Jacover was in there somewhere, yelling in the background. Produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi. Edited by Ryan DeGiorgi. Music by Andy Poland. Hello From the Magic Tavern Logo by Allard Leban. Learn more about the show, and the fantastical world we've haphazardly assembled, at hellofromthemagictavern.com. Or follow us on Twitter @magictavern. This wonderous ball of lies was brought to you by Field Notes, with the help of the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Field Notes at fieldnotesbrand.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcoop.com.
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