[ Author: Hello From The Magic Tavern; Title: Episode #4; Tags: humor, chat; Genre: comedy, fantasy ]
Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!
(trill)
Arnie: I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. I'm from Chicago, which is on the planet Earth. And about four weeks ago, I fell through a magical rift behind a Burger King into Foon, which is kind of a Narnia-esque magical land. Luckily, I'm getting a slight WiFi signal through that magical rift, and I'm able to host a podcast in the Vermilion Minotaur, a tavern in the land of Foon. As always, I'm joined by my two sidekicks, why don't you guys introduce yourselves?
Usidore: I am, of course…
Arnie: (groans)
Usidore: …Eh…no, I'm going to do as you asked…
Chunt: (chuckles)
Arnie: (muttering) Okay.
Usidore: As we spoke about before - I am of course…
Arnie: I know this is tough, you can do it.
Usidore: Y- yeah. U…Usidore... (rushing) Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysyis-
Arnie: (groans)
Usidore: -Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The Elves know me as Fi'ang Yalok. The Dwarves know me as Zoenen Hoogastangs. I am known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar, and (whispers) there may be other secret names you do not know yet.
Arnie: I d-, I hope it does not get longer.
Chunt: You should see his business cards!
Usidore: That of course-
Chunt: Front and back! Front and back.
Usidore: (laughs) That of course is our jovial friend Chunt! Making fun of the length of my name! (laughs) Delightful.
Arnie: And Chunt, introduce yourself.
Chunt: Chunt here.
Arnie: ... (laughs) Yeah, I feel like there's a middle ground between the two of you in how much you introduce yourselves, like-
Usidore: I don't understand-
Chunt: I try and compensate for Usidore's, uhhh…length of introduction.
Arnie: Okay, so it's Usidore the Wizard, and Chunt the Talking Badger. So, um-
Chunt: Badger, I mean-
Arnie: We don't need-
Chunt: It's a given and- (snorts) You don't have to say everything's talking, it's just, I'm a badger.
Usidore: Yes…
Arnie: Do all badgers speak in Foon?
Chunt: In their own way.
Arnie: But not English.
Chunt: …Well…some.
Arnie: We have another guest, and before we get to him though, uh, last week I mentioned that I have an email address, uh, there must be some kind of firewall issue with the Burger King that I'm getting the WiFi signal from, so I-
Chunt: Didn't Spintax dissolve the Wall of Fire?
Usidore: Uh, he may have, Spintax the Green, my great rival…
Arnie: Yeah, it's not a magical thing, it's-
Usidore: I too could create a wall of fire, if you want it. I SHALL PUT A WALL OF FIRE AROUND THIS TAVERN RIGHT NOW!!
Arnie: It's- Basically what I'm saying is, I can't get access to my regular email, so I had to set up a special email for this podcast, so if you-
Usidore: (off-mic) BUUUUURN!!! BUUUUUUUUUURN!!!
Arnie: So if you want to email me, or us, here, you can email us at magictavern@puppies.supplies. I know it's an unusual sounding email, it doesn't sound real, but it absolutely is, so email us at magictavern@puppies.supplies-
Usidore: (whispering) Fffiiiire deepash (incomprehensible, continues under the other dialogue)
Chunt: Is that- Is that talking puppies.supplies?
Arnie: It's just puppies-
Chunt: Just puppies. Oh, Usidore's in the wizard state.
Arnie: Oh.
Usidore: (still whispering) Gdummah una burrning umabahein chai emara burn burn burn buttern buttern buurrrrnnn…
Chunt: And he's out.
Arnie: Okay. So we did get an email, uh, someone emailed us from after last week, uh, with some questions about Foon. So I'm gonna' quick-
Chunt: Oh, great.
Arnie: Read a little bit of this. This is from, uh, Matt DeMarco, he emails to ask, "Can Chunt only turn into whole other animals by sexing them, or is constantly under threat of turning himself into, say, a badger paw, by sexing himself?"
Chunt: (tsks) Uh, it does have to be, um, with another creature.
Arnie: Okay.
Chunt: Is he referencing when I masturbate?
Arnie: Yes.
Chunt: Yeah. You've- you've walked in on me masturbating.
Arnie: Yeah, I-
Chunt: And there's no…
Arnie: Nn-, yeah, it's-
Chunt: I don't turn into a hand or I don't turn into-
Arnie: No, y- not..
Chunt: When I wear- if I wear protection I don't turn into protection just because it's…
Arnie: Yeah.
Chunt: The laws of magic are pretty cut and dry.
Usidore: I-
Arnie: It's pretty-
Usidore: I think they're clear on this matter.
Arnie: Okay. All right, uh, uh, terrible question, Matt DiMarco, uh, next-
Chunt: (giggling) I think it was a good question, for sure.
Arnie: I-
Usidore: I lit four candles.
(silence)
Arnie: …What?
Usidore: I lit four candles with my magical incantation, I did not make a whole wall of fire, but I did manage to LIGHT FOUR CANDLES!!!!
Arnie: That's true, we're a little more lit here in the Vermillion Minataur. Uh, another question, "Please tell Usidore that Manipulator of Magical Delights is better than Persuader. Manipulator sounds more powerful. Also, what's up with that wizard state? Is that something he learned in wizard school, or is it something you're born with?"
Usidore: I have stuck with Manipulator, I think you for your thoughts on this matter. It does seem to have a little more power and strength behind it, so I prefer it to Persuader of Magical Delights. The wizard state…This was a gift given to me, by those who created me. It is an innate ability, I did not learn it in a wizarding school, I was fully formed as a wizard from the day I set foot in Foon. Aye, the very birds of the sky and the fire and the wind and the water did conspire to create me out of the very elements that exist in the air and the earth.
Arnie: So you came-
Usidore: And the hearts of men.
Arnie: So you came into Foon fully formed, like just a, an adult wizard?
Usidore: Of course, I'm a wizard.
Arnie: That's how wiz-, wizards aren't born?
Usidore: Uh, yes, but perhaps not as a mewling babe as you would expect! (laughs)
Arnie: So when, when you just pop into existence, what's the first- like, do you remember your first thought? Like, "Whoa!"
Usidore: I have- Uh, w-, my first thought was, "I ha-, I have to find a staff."
Arnie: (wheezing/laughing)
Usidore: I need a staff, and I thought well, I'll find a large tree and break off a branch to start with until I can afford a better staff, and uh, and of course my second thought was, "I must defeat the Dark Lord." And I must convince one of you to join me on this great quest!
Arnie: He has- Usidore has a quest to defeat the Dark Lord, which-
Usidore: Think of the glory that could be earned by all the people here, and the safety of Foon and all the children and women and men who do live here! And all the animals and beasts of the forest, they are all in danger right now! But let's get to our guest.
Arnie: Yeah. Uh, thank you for your email, Matt DeMarco, but let's get to our guest. Uh, Your name is Larry Birdman?
Larry: Yeah, that's right, Larry Birdman.
Arnie: And, uh, who are you?
Usidore: I'm very excited about this, everyone knows-
Larry: Who am I?
Usidore: -who Larry Birdman is.
Arnie: SO everyone here knows who Larry Birdman is?
Chunt: Oh, absolutely!
Usidore: Yes, of course!
Larry: I'm the Commissioner of the FML.
Arnie: …And what is the FML?
Usidore: (chortles)
Chunt: (laughs)
Larry: Uh…
Arnie: I'm sorry, I'm new to Foon, I don't really know much ab-
Larry: Well, when did you get here, after February 1st? After January 15th?
Usidore: (laughs)
Arnie: Uh…y..es? I mean-
Larry: Okay, well I'm- the Foon Mittens League, is the FML, Mittens is the biggest sport in Foon, everyone knows this, and I'm the Commissioner of the League. And we just had the Super Mittens Cavalcade, and then the Super Mittens Cavalcade, Part II. On February 1st was the Part II, and on January 15th was the first, and uh, it was a pretty good game! Uh, setting apart the fact that a lot of the rules, in my opinion, still don't make any sense. But a great game, and we had uh, we had a great, great turnout, I think over 74 percent of all of Foon were tuned in one way or another. Through telepathy, or through the Magic Box, or through-
Arnie: The Magic Box?
Usidore: Mm-hmm.
Larry: Attending in person, or through uh, trans-soul deliverance, or through uh, Walk N' Pop. So, between all of those we had, uh my understanding, 74 percent of Foon. We still trend heavily f- heavily male, we had about 91 percent of all the males of Foon, uh tuned in, about 90…90…no, sorry, 80, 82 percent of the females, and about 38 percent of the creatures.
Usidore: I murdered a horse and watched through the horse's blood.
Larry: Yes!
Arnie: Wow.
Larry: Yes, good, good. Well we had only, uh, only, of course, a wizard can do that, so we had about, 20, 25 horse blood murder viewers this year, and we're trying to raise that next year.
Chunt: Can I just say, Larry Birdman, and it's an honor to meet you, that I usually tune in to watch the Cavalcade mostly for commercials?
Larry: Mmm.
Chunt: I mean, 'cause the g-, as you mentioned the game has its flaws.
Larry: Yes, sure.
Chunt: Phenomenal game.
Larry: Mm-hmm, it's an okay game.
Chunt: But mostly watch for the commercials.
Larry: Yeah, well this year the commercials were great. Uh, I- which was your favorite? I'll tell you my favorite and then you tell me if you agree. But my favorite was probably where they trotted out, uh, 300 of the, uh, of the greatest Mittens players of all time and had them all, uh, re-create some of the greatest theatrical moments in the history of Foon, in about a 38 minute commercial, I thought that was great.
Arnie: (whispers) Wow.
Chunt: Amazing. Amazing.
Arnie: That's a long commercial.
Larry: That's right, and it doesn't sell anything.
Arnie: (laughs)
Chunt: (laughs)
Larry: It's just, it was just for fun-
Usidore: It was a won-, wonderful celebration of the sport.
Larry: It was a celebration of the sport of Mittens, and of the theater community of Foon.
Arnie: And Chunt, what was your favorite commercial?
Chunt: There was one, I can't remember what it was for, but there was like, these pincers? And they were holding a Dwarf, and you j-, they just slowly lowered him into boiling tar-
Arnie: Oh god!
Chunt: And you just see him, you see the life escape him from the feet up, and it was just, just great, I mean, just really, really spoke to me.
Larry: Yeah, that was for life insurance.
Chunt: Oh! That makes total sense.
Arnie: So you said, I don't really know, how does the sport work, Mittens?
Larry: What's that?
Arnie: How does Mittens work?
Larry: Oh god, well, uh, so you've never seen any Mittens?
Arnie: I haven't seen-
Larry: All right, uh- (sighs)
Usidore: Lawrence, you must forgive him, Arnold is a new-
Larry: Yeah.
Arnie: It's Arnie.
Usidore: He's a new person here-
Larry: Yeah, it's Larry, it's Larry Birdman. Uh, you know, (sigh) So put it this way, all right? You're on a field, all right? About 2000 yards long, uh, between 2000 and 2007, depending on which field you play on. Uh, it's about nine yards wide, so very narrow field.
Arnie: Wow!
Larry: Uh, each team is comprised of 31 individuals. You have a Baskin, you have what we call a Quarter-Back, which you won't understand, there's a Baskin, there's nineteen Hillsmens, and then there's ten, what we call Misselineus. And the Misselineus, they can do all sorts-
Arnie: Wait, Misselinius?
Larry: Yes, Missel-linius. There's 10 of them, there's 19 Hillsmen, okay? You have, you have a Baskin, 19 Hillsmen, okay, 10 Misselineus and and then a Quarterback.
Arnie: Do the Misselineus just do assorted things?
Larry: No, all of the other people do. The Misselinius have one specific task, that's very specific.
Arnie: (chuckles)
Larry: The Misselineus are there to basically distract and try to assist the Baskin in performing the Baskin task.
Arnie: And what is the Baskin task?
Larry: Now, the goal of the Baskin is to get the potted flower from one end of the f-, the Pitch, we call it the Pitch, to the other end of the Pitch, and if the Baskin takes a potted flower across 2000 yards, and gets it to the other end, that is one point. Now, my principle problem with the game, is if a bird comes near the field and you catch it, that's 700 points.
Arnie: (laughing) That's a lot of, that seems like a lot of points.
Larry: Didn't invent the rules, don't like that rule, seems like the team that catches a bird always wins.
Usidore: But it is exciting.
Larry: Well, it's…
Usidore: It's exciting when a bird finally flies onto the field-
Arnie: How often does this happen?
Larry: It's f-
Usidore: Pandemonium breaks out
Chunt: Very often, very often.
Larry: Pretty regularly. In fact, the last game, so, okay, so the last Cavalcade Part II, the score was, uh 2103 to 8.
Arnie: (laughing) Oh no!
Larry: So, it was, in my opinion, and this is what I've been pushing for, for reform for years, I thought it was unfair because one team got a Baskin 2000 yards across 31 opponents 8 different times, the other team only did it 3 times, and yet because the other team caught three birds, they won by thousands of points.
Usidore: Yes.
Chunt: It's a bird-heavy game. And you should know that Hogsface has its own Mittens team.
Larry: Oh yes! (laughs) If, that's "team" in quotes, Hogsface went, I believe, 0 and 1 last year?
Chunt: Yeah.
Larry: Yeah, they did not win their game.
Chunt: Yeah, our potted flower is not a fan of being carried around.
Usidore: Yes.
Arnie: Wait, so is your potted flower, Flower?
Chunt: It's Flower, yeah.
Arnie: The Flower that I threw off of a cliff last week?
Chunt: Yep, so we don't have a team anymore.
Arnie: (laughs) Oh no-
Usidore: Thank you for that.
Arnie: I'm sorry.
Larry: Ugh.
Chunt: The Hogsface Poisoned Blades are no longer a team.
Usidore: Now Larry, I, I wanted to ask you while you were here, burrh, I know you aren't a fan of the bird catching rule-
Larry: No, I'm not.
Usidore: But I do find it exciting when they catch a bird. My issue is more that fans are allowed to bring bags full of birds to release into the pitch.
Larry: Yes.
Usidore: I, if the fans were, were restricted in their ability to bring birds and birds simply flew into the field naturally, I think that would make for a much more exciting game!
Larry: Well it's an interesting point, and, and, you know, Usidore-
Usidore: Yes.
Larry: I don't know if you've ever tried out to be a Wizard, as I said earlier, there's one Wizard per team, usually, sometimes more than one Wizard, but usually you b-, you want at least one of your Hillsmen to be a Wizard.
Usidore: Eh, yes.
Larry: And often that Wizard will be tasked with, you know, disintegrating birds that are released. So you constantly have birds being released by the fans, which I'm against, but you know, the rules are the rules and I just enforce them. And you will see, uh, hundreds, if not thousands of birds, released and then disintegrated repeatedly by one of the Hillsmen. That's just one of, I would say, 100-200 tasks a Hillsmen is-
Arnie: 100-200 tasks?
Larry: Yes. A game lasts, uh, well the first Cavalcade, as I said, began on January 15th, and ended, maybe, 20 minutes before the Final. So it's about a two-week game.
Usidore: It was a short game.
Larry: It was a short game, I'm glad we were able to get the Cavalcade finished this year before March.
Usidore: Yes.
Arnie: Does it frequenl-, Does one of the Cav- Does part I frequently go so long that part II starts before part I is done?
Larry: No, you couldn't do that, that's (laughs) that doesn't make any sense. No, the Cavalcade Part I is the second and third place team from the regular season. They play off, and then the winner of that plays the worst team from the regular season from the title.
Arnie: (laughs)
Larry: Another rule which I am against and trying to reform, it's one of my main points, is why not let the best team from the year play in the Cavalcade Part II?
Chunt: And Hogsface was in because we were the worst team. I should let you know, when I was in the form of an eagle, I was a Baskin, which was a huge problem, because, as per the rules-
Usidore: Your'e also a bird!
Larry: Yes.
Chunt: I'm a bird! So-
Larry: And the Baskin's feet cannot leave the ground.
Chunt: So, by being on the team in the state of an eagle, I was just draining points from my team.
Larry: Yes.
Arnie: What if you had been, like, another kind of bird, like a sparrow or a robin?
Usidore: A what?
Arnie: A sparrow or a robin.
Larry: Not familiar with either of those types-
Usidore: What's a robin?
Larry: What's a sparrow?
Arnie: I was just saying that maybe if you were a Baskin…robin…
Usidore: …A robin?
Arnie: Never mind. That's- You know what, that's just something that-
Larry: Baskin robin…
Chunt: You seem…really pleased with yourself for some reason…
Larry: Yes.
Arnie: (chuckling) The people, I'm, the-, that was more for the people on my world, they're going to go crazy over that.
Chunt: A Baskin…robin…
Arnie: It's just a little joke, but the people on my world are gonna' go crazy.
Larry: I don't understand.
Chunt: I don't understand, but I hate it.
Larry: Anyway, thirty-one per team, uh…and I-
Arnie: Like 31 Flavors?
Larry: -don't know what else you need to know about Mittens. But, um, the-
Arnie: What are some of the teams besides the Hogface Poison Blades?
Chunt: Mm-Hmm?
Larry: Well, the best team in the league this year, which, you know, unfortunately they're not eligible for the playoffs, by virtue of wining the regular season. And then what they do is they wait there- If you win the regular season, you an't play again for ten years. And then in the 10th year you play in the 10th Anniversary, Round Table, Roundrobin, Uh, Circular…uh…
Chunt: And by the way, Roundrobin means something…we don't have robins. Robin means something else in Foon.
Larry: Yes.
Arnie: What does robin mean in Foon?
Usidore: Roundrobin.
Larry: I don't know what, uh, robin means, a Roundrobin is a specific type of game in which one opponent plays another one.
Arnie: …okay…
Larry: Um…I forgot your question.
Arnie: What are some of the teams?
Larry: Oh.
Chunt: The Festering Wounds have been…dominating for a while.
Arnie: Uh-huh?
Larry: Yes. Well, in the sense that the best you can do, a lot of people think, is to finish second every year. So what happens in the game, and it's, again, it's frustrating, is, you have uh, teams play, and they try to all get up near the front, and then they all intentionally try to lose towards the end of the year to finish second, so that they can be in the Cavalcade and then hopefully Cavalcade Part II, and not have to be retired for ten years. So the Festering Wounds have finished second or third, which is both good, what 11? 11 or 12 years in a row.
Usidore: Yes, and of course there's uh, the Scrr…uh… Buzzards.
Larry: Yes.
Arnie: Oh, from Scrr?
Usidore: From Scrr, yes.
Larry: Now you, Usidore, who do you support? I notice that you are in Scrr Buzzards colors.
Usidore: Ahhh, yes, I am a fan of the Buzzards, I must admit. (grumbles)
Chunt: And the wizard that plays on the Buzzards is, uh, Spintax.
Larry: Spintax the Green?
Usidore: Yes.
Larry: Do you know him?
Usidore: Yeah... (grumbles) Uh, yes, yeah I do know him.
Chunt: Yeah?
Larry: I had dinner with him about a week ago, and he's really a wonderful, wonderful man.
Usidore: Yes, he's very, very talented.
Chunt: Great, great wizard.
Larry: For his age, too. He really can create a lot of things and dismantle a lot of things.
Usidore: Well, we each have our own journey. Speaking of which, I have a journey, that I would like you to accompany me on-
Arnie: We're gonna' have to-
Usidore: Aye, for the Dark Lord-
Arnie: Go to a quick break, actually, I'm sorry, you can mumble about the Dark Lord if you want-
Usidore: He s-
Arnie: But we're gonna' take-
Usidore: -smirched the land with his evil…
Arnie: We're just gonna' take a quick break, uh, so that we can refresh our drinks-
Usidore: (in the wizard's state) i shhuuupulflon i uwaveawave
Arnie: and we'll be back in just a moment.
(static)
(ad music)
Burger King Worker: Hello, welcome to Burger King, would you like to try a free Whopper today?
Usidore: (still in the wizard's state) hy k kuuu onminggg. (inaudible)
Burger King Worker: Seriously? Hello? Is that…? I swear I hear someone whispering. (yelling) Hey Linda, I think something's wrong with my headset.
(ad music fades)
Arnie: All right, uh, we're back. Uh, Usidore, are you done with your wizard's trance?
Usidore: Yes, I'm out of the wizard state now. Uh, but I had a question for you, Larry.
Larry: Oh, sure.
Usidore: You know, I always did want to be a Hillsman, myself.
Larry: Yes.
Usidore: I am a wizard, and I do live on top of a hill.
Larry: Oh, nice.
Usidore: So I, it's always occurred to me that perhaps I could do it. Do you think I-?
Larry: Well, uh-
Usidore: Do you think I have the strength, the upper body strenth?
Larry: Did you play Mittens in College, or Wizard School?
Usidore: Well, ee- a little bit, I uh, you know, played with friends, you know, just fun-
Larry: Like the varsity, or the JV?
Usidore: Ah, you know, I (blusters) I went out for varsity, and you know, I didn't make it then, but you know, I've, I've grown as a wizard in the interim, you know…
Larry: Well, you know, one thing that I value as Commissioner of the Mittens League-
Usidore: Mm-hmm?
Larry: -is just brutal, honest truth. And I'll tell you it's unlikely. It's unlikely that you could do it.
Usidore: Mmm.
Larry: And the reason I say that is, our league is composed of the greatest Mittens players in the world. And as you know, as ev- Chunt, as you know, everyone who grows up in Foon - I would say fifty percent of the uh, the young, the young men and women of Foon play Mittens as children. And of course, that's getting lower and lower due to the Post-Concussive Syndrome problem that we're having, but-
Usidore: Right.
Larry: I will say, one-
Arnie: Are lots of people getting hurt playing Mittens?
Larry: Yes.
Usidore: Yes.
Larry: Yes.
Usidore: Oh yes.
Larry: It's a big issue, and we're taking it very seriously at the Foon Mittens League, and don't think that we're not. But, I will say, Usidore-
Usidore: Mmm, yes?
Larry: That I had an occasion to have brunch, maybe a month or two ago, with a man that of course you know, named Sam Stout.
Usidore: Ah yes, oh!
Larry: Okay? Now, Sam Stout is one of probably the 10, 15 best Hillsmen in the world. Sam Stout, when he was in college, tried out for the Mittens team. Not only did he not make the Mittens team, he was not allowed to be the manager of the Mittens team.
Usidore: Oooh.
Larry: And Sam Stout went, and he trained, and he trained, and he became - his name was not Sam Stout at the time, his name was Sam…I think it was uh…Stotlanberg?
Usidore: Ah.
Larry: Something Jewish.
Arnie: (chuckles)
Larry: But uh, my- what I remember is, he came back, and he was, he trained for years, I'm not sure exactly w-
Usidore: This is an inspiring story, please continue.
Larry: Yes, so, today-
Chunt: (chuckles)
Arnie: (laughing) I have so many questions, but keep going, keep going, keep going.
Larry: Well today, Sam Stout is one of the greatest players, and he, the man did not play in a professional mittens league match until he was 33 years old.
Usidore: Amazing.
Larry: Today he's, I think he's a 7 time All-Star, wonderful brunch companion-
Chunt: His cloak was retired, right?
Larry: Yes, his cloak was retired.
Chunt: Number 4500?
Larry: 4500, by the Daggerdale Blazehounds. And so uh, he's never allowed- I don't know if you know how jersey retirements work, do you know?
Arnie: Uh, in my world, yeah, basically you just cannot use someone's number again? Or-
Larry: No.
Arnie: Maybe I'm wrong.
Larry: N- well, maybe, I'm not sure. If you retire a jersey here, what it means is: you take a jersey, okay? You write a number on the back of it that's different from a regular number, this one had 4500 I believe, and you run, and everyone chases you. And if anyone gets you for an hour, they're allowed to just pummel the heck out of you.
Usidore: Yes.
Larry: Just beat you as hard as you can. If, however, you run and no one is able to catch you for a full hour, then you are put into what is called the Circle of Fame. And there's only about 100 people, it's 93 people, that have ever been in the Circle of Fame. And Sam Stout had his jersey retirement celebration run, I guess, a year ago? Yeah. Yes.
Usidore: Yes.
Larry: About a year ago.
Usidore: Yes, about a year ago
Arnie: How many people have had failed jersey retirement runs?
Larry: Well, thousands.
Arnie: (astonished) Thousands!
Larry: Most people don't get more than, I'd say, twenty seconds. I mean, anyone can catch you.
Usidore: Yes.
Larry: Anyone!
Arnie: Anyone, anywhere?
Larry: Anyone!
Usidore: And just- And just-
Larry: I mean, a creature, a beast, anyone, they can-
Usidore: And just think of the revenge the birds want to enact.
Larry: Ugh.
Usidore: Yes.
Larry: Yes.
Arnie: So, I have a question for you, Larry Birdman. You-
Larry: Yes?
Arnie: You seem to have a lot of unhappiness with the sport of Mittens-
Larry: Well, the rules are terrible.
Arnie: What, what lead you to, to become the commissioner?
Larry: Well, you know, I (sighs) I see myself as a visionary. I was myself, I guess you don't know this, it's kind-of embarrassing and I don't mean to brag, but I'm probably the greatest mittens player. Uh, well…I dunno. Top, top 5.
Arnie: Mm-hmm.
Larry: Uh…well, top, top 20 is non-controversial, I'll do that, top 20. And I myself was a Baskin, and uh, I really hated, uh, the amount of abuse that I took, and I thought it was unnecessary, because, y'know, there I was, once, y'know, being carried across, holding a plant, fighting, y'know, eyes gouged, all sorts of spells cast against me, and in my defense, uh, hand-to-hand combat, eating unbelievably, disgustingly hot items, as you're required to-
Arnie: (laughing) Wha?
Larry: All sorts of, uh, you know, uh…immersion therapy, foreign language skills learned…All these things that I had to do, month after month after month after month, to try to get that plant across that line 2000 yards away, and then, y'know, someone would catch a bird, and we'd lose. And so, imagine the frustration.
Arnie: (laughing) Sure!
Larry: Imagine the frustration! And so, uh, when I-
Arnie: Did you ever consider just…focusing on catching birds yourself?
Larry: Well that's what, probably, 29 of our 31 players are doing at any given time, is focused up on the birds. We've got wizards disintegrating birds, we've got other people trying to catch birds, it's-
Chunt: And you better believe, the commentators would just be like, "Look at the one person not catching birds, Birdman!" Like it's-
Arnie: Yeah.
Larry: (laughs) Yeah.
Chunt: It was a big, uh, it was a big joke.
Larry: That's right, it's really frustrating.
Usidore: But your technique was, may I say, perhaps the greatest that ever existed. For instead of holding the plant-
Larry: Yes.
Usidore: -in a single hand, (whispers) he grasped it with both!
Larry: Yes. We called it the two h-, we called it the two, 'Two In The Hand Is Worth One In The Bird'.
Arnie: (snickers)
Usidore: (normally) It was incredible, it…it transformed the entire game!
Larry: Yes. Now everyone's holding the plant with two hands. Before I carried it with- and I will tell you, this is a story I- you've probably heard this. The first time I carried the plant with two hands? Was a mistake.
Usidore: Ah yes, yes!
Arnie: Didn't mean to!
Larry: Didn't mean to carry it with two hands.
Usidore: Amazing, amazing.
Larry: Had it in one hand, had my other hand out there doing, the things you would normally do, you know, blocking spells, shaking hands of elites, you know, a lot of high-fiving, um-
Usidore: Foreign language flashcards.
Larry: Foreign language flashcards, of course, cooking fritatas, all the things a Baskin used to do with his off-hand, just doing anything he could to distract, or delay, or push forward. And wouldn't you know it, but I saw a friend of mine in the crowd. And I looked over, and I raised the potted plant, and it started to fall, and I reached up and grabbed it with the other hand, and, just silence. Silence immersed, you know, the pitch, everyone was shocked, no one had every seen it. And I found that it is easier to hold an item in two hands…than to hold it in one!
Chunt: (lets out a held breath)
Usidore: Incredible, incredible! Before that, you know, a Hillsman could come along and just bat the flower right out of your hand.
Larry: Yes.
Usidore: Or cast a spell at it.
Arnie: So, we're running out of time-
Larry: Oh.
Arnie: But before we go, I was wondering like, so now that the Cavalcade is done-
Larry: Yes.
Arnie: What will you do during the off-season?
Larry: Oh, well in April we have the Reap, where people will be conscripted to play for their Mittens teams. Used to be a Draft-
Arnie: Uh-huh.
Larry: -now it has to be a Reap because people are very worried about the Post-Concussive Syndrome problem. So the Reap will be-
Usidore: And only- And only about 30% of the people in the Reap live through that process, correct?
Larry: Uh, er yeah, I think that's a little generous, I think it's around 25-30%, but uh-
Usidore: Ahh.
Arnie: Phew!
Larry: -people are excited to be Reaped.
Arnie: (scoffs)
Larry: So, yeah, we'll have the Reap in April, new season will start back up, first game will start May 1st, hopefully that'll be done by May 15th, and uh, the next game starts as soon as the last one finishes, and then you go 'til Cavalcade Part II.
Arnie: Wow! Well, if I'm still here when the season starts again, and if Hogsface gets a team going again, I would absolutely love to see a game of mittens.
Larry: Well, terrific. Tickets are available at any given time, the field is huge, you can watch a lot of different ways, as I said earlier. If you want to do a Watch N' Pop let me know. But I uh, will hope to have a new fan!
(trill)
Arnie: All right, thank you so much, and thanks again Chunt and Usidore for being here. And thank you for listening, as always, please subscribe on iTunes and give us a positive review, give us a lot of stars. And email us with your questions at magictavern@puppies.supplies.
Chunt: But I don't turn into the genitals of whatever I'm…why would Matt DeMarco…?
Arnie: I don't know, that was a question that he- I mean, to be fair, from my world, we don't really understand how sexual skin changing works.
Chunt: Okay.
Larry: Oh Chunt, you're a shapeshifter?
Chunt: Yes.
Arnie: So-
Larry: Oh, I didn't get that earlier. You know, they're looking for a new Misselineus.
Chunt: Ooo!
Larry: On Hogface.
Chunt: Well, I-
Larry: And a shapeshifter would be pretty good!
Chunt: Lemme talk to you after the uh-
Larry: Absolutely.
Chunt: Yeah?
Arnie: All right, well uh, thanks so much for listening everybody, and we'll see you next week!
Usidore: Do they, do they need any Hillsman?
Chunt: Do you have Jews in your world?
Arnie: (quiet, helpless laughter)