121話 行き交う心
「今考えてもわからぬのだ。真面目なあの男に、無理を強いてしまっただけであったのか?
が最後にだんだんボロが出た言葉を取り繕うように付け加えると、苦しそうな表情で俯く。
その姿を見ていると、雨妹まで心が重たくなってくる。
――皆、母が好きだったから、色々考えたんだなぁ。
雨妹は母の姿も思い出も記憶にもないので、想像することも難しく、それこそドラマの中の話のようにしか脳内で描けない。
けれど、全ては「好き」という気持ちが一番最初にあっての、行動だったわけで。
「好き」という気持ちは、人の背中を押す希望にもなり、縛り付ける呪縛にもなるもの。
特に母が既に死んでしまい、その意思を誰も確認できなくなってしまっては、呪縛から逃れようがなくなってしまう。
その呪縛に今、明は縛られているのだけれど。
生きている人間は、縛られたまま留まっていてはいけないのだ。
そして、二人に苦難を強いてしまったと嘆く、この目の前の男も。
雨妹は多少迷ったが、意を決したように真っ直ぐに杜を見る。
「私が思いますことを、発言してもよろしいでしょうか?」
「なんであるか?」
そう告げた雨妹に杜が先を促すので、「では」と語り出す。
「明様がその美人の方と添い遂げずに辺境の尼寺まで送り届けた点です。
これは私の想像ですが、明様はその美人のお方を好いていたとしても、駆け落ち者としての苦労を共に背負う覚悟が、己にはないことを知っていたのではないでしょうか?」
なにしろ、人がそれまでの経歴を捨てて一から生き直すのは、言うほど簡単ではない。
どうやら明はお坊ちゃん育ちであるし、そんなお坊ちゃんが農村に紛れ込んでひっそりと暮らすのは、かなり難しいに違いない。
かといって、近衛であった経験を生かして兵士として働けば、きっとどこからか足がついて、皇太后の手の者に見つかってしまう。
つまり、明はそうまでして追っ手から逃げ続ける生き方というものを選べなかったのだ。
そして想いを寄せる美人に逃亡者の苦労をかけるより、たとえ貧しかろうと尼寺で安心して暮らす方が幸せなのでは? と考えた。
その選択は、決して非難するようなものではないだろう。
そして共に辺境まで行ったということは、これに母も了承したのだと思うのだが。
この雨妹の推察に、杜は「なるほど」と頷く。
「明は確かに、ただ命令に忠実で真面目というだけではなく、思慮深い男であったな......であっても、そう話してくれれば、誰もその選択を責めたりはせなんだのに」
杜が悲しげに目を伏せる。
「せめて、美人が自ら命を絶ったのではなければ、明もあれほどに己を責めなかったかもしれぬが、それも今語っても仕方のないことよな」
そう言ってしばし無言でいた杜だったが、やがて「よし」と気合を入れ直すように顔を上げた。
「お主の疑問に答えるつもりが、こちらの疑念を晴らしてもらうことになろうとは思わなんだ」
そう言ってニコリと笑う杜は、もう先程の悲しみの表情を引きずっていない。
気持ちの切り替えが早いのはさすがだな、と雨妹が感心していると。
「そなた、雨妹はなんとも聡明な女子よの。
杜が褒め言葉と共に、雨妹が名乗っていないにもかかわらず名を口にした。
ここへ来てから一言も口を挟まずにいる楊から聞いた可能性もあるのだけれど、そこは深く追及しない方がいいだろう。
「お褒めいただき光栄です。
若く未来ある娘には、かなり胸の悪くなる話であったと思うが」
この杜の言葉に、雨妹は「はい」と頷く。
「非常に勉強になりました」
「どのような学びを得たのか、聞いてもよいかな?」
尋ねる杜の好奇心の光を宿らせる目を、雨妹は真っ直ぐに見る。
「どのようなことであれ、真実を知らなければ進めないこともある、と学びました」
「......なるほど、確かにそうであろうな。
杜が感慨深そうに頷く。
――そう、人は誰でも、逃げ続けることなんてできないんだから。
人生で、時には逃げることだって大事だ。
けれど、逃げ続けるのも辛い。
この気持ちの切り替えをするのは、本人にしかできないわけで。
今、明は逃げるのを止めて前に進むために、知らなければならないのだろう。
母の真実を。
Chapter 121
"I don't really understand. He was such a great man, did I force him too much? What was the best course of action at that time so that everyone could have been happy?....is what His Majesty the Emperor is worried about until now."
Du had changed course at the last minute, as if taking back the bitter words that steadily spilled out of his mouth while a painful expression was painted on his face.
Even Yui Mei's heart became heavy while looking at him like this.
'Everyone loved Mom, and they all thought about a lot of things.'
Yui Mei didn't have a single memory of her mother's figure, so it was a bit difficult for her to imagine it, so she could only picture the drama stories in her mind.
However, all their actions had been based on 'love' from the start.
'Love' could be the motivation that pushed people forward, or it could be a curse that would bind them.
Her mother had already passed away, so nobody could confirm her thoughts; thus, they couldn't escape from the curse.
This curse was currently binding Ming.
People could not remain bound while they were living.
That also applied to this person before her -- he was lamenting that he had been the one who caused their misery and suffering.
Yui Mei had initially wavered, but she now stared straight at Du, finally strengthening her resolve.
"Can I please express my thoughts about the matter?"
"What is it?"
Du urged her to speak, so Yui Mei replied with 'Then allow me".
"First would be the point about why Ming chose not to marry the Beauty for life, and just escorted her to the borderland's nunnery.
It might be just my opinion, but even if Ming loved that  Beauty, he probably knew he did not have the resolve to let her bear the hardships of being a fugitive with him?"
At any rate, it wasn't easy for a person to throw away everything that he had and was in order to start a new life all over again.
Ming seemed to be a young master of a well-to-do family, and it must have been hard for him to mingle among the farmers and live like one.
On the other hand, if he were to use his experiences as an imperial guard to become a soldier, there was still the possibility that he would eventually be discovered  by the empress dowager's subordinates.
In short, Ming didn't choose the life of a fugitive who would live the rest of his life trying to evade their pursuers.
He probably considered this -- would she be happier if she could live in safety within the nunnery, even if she was poor?
It was never a choice that was worthy of criticism or blame.
Her mother must have also recognized that, because she agreed to go to the borderland together.
'I see', Du nodded after Yui Mei explained.
"Ming was not only loyal and serious about the orders given to him. He was indeed a man of deep thoughts...Regardless, he could have explained it, and no one would condemn him for that."
Du lowered his eyes sadly.
"If the Beauty didn't take her own life, then Ming won't probably blame himself this much, but then, it is useless to talk about that now."
Du then remained silent for a brief moment after muttering those words. He then raised his head again, saying 'alright' as if trying to pull himself together.
"I came here to answer your questions, but I didn't expect that you would dispel all my doubts."
Du cheerfully chuckled, and there was no trace of the sadness earlier on his face.
Yui Mei was amazed at how quick he was in switching his emotions.
"What a wise girl you are, Yui Mei. I am sure your dear mother must be happy, too."
Du praised her along with calling her name, even though Yui Mei didn't introduce herself.
There was a possibility that Yang, who had been standing beside them without a word, told him about it on their way here, but Yui Mei decided not to think too deeply about it.
"It is my honor to be praised by you. Thank you very much for letting me listen to your story. It has benefitted me."
"Hoh, it benefitted you, huh? I think it's a story that might be depressing for such a young and promising girl, though."
Yui Mei nodded in agreement to Du's words.
"Indeed. I learned a lot from this."
"Can you tell me what kind of knowledge you obtained from this?"
Du's eyes were shining with curiosity, so Yui Mei looked at him squarely in the eye.
"No matter what kind of thing it is, as long as you don't know the truth, you cannot go forward -- that is what I've learned."
"...I see, yes that's true, indeed. The truth is sometimes cruel, but if we manage to get over it, we can grasp happiness."
Du was touched deeply, and he nodded.
'Yup, humans, no matter who it is, can't run away forever, after all.'
There were times when it was necessary to escape.
However, it was difficult to sustain that.
The only one who could change these feelings was the person himself.
Right now, Ming had to learn something in order for him to stop running away so that he could move forward.
And it was the truth about her mother.
Housekeeper of the Hundred Blossom Palace
百花宮のお掃除係～転生した新米宮女、後宮のお悩み解決します。
https://www.novelupdates.com/series/housekeeper-of-the-hundred-blossom-palace/
Fantasy Romance Shoujo Slice of Life
Adapted to Manga Ancient China Complex Family Relationships Different Social Status Female Protagonist Imperial Harem Love Interest Falls in Love First Reincarnated in Another World Royalty
https://ncode.syosetu.com/n4104ev/
黒辺あゆみ