油絵具が乾くまで、時間がかかる。特に冬場は、絵の具の乾きが遅い。だから油彩は時間が掛かるので、結局、合間合間で鉛筆デッサンや水彩なんかをやることになる。
絵を描く基本はデッサンだって聞いたことがある。だから、という訳ではないけれど、僕は鉛筆デッサンがそんなに嫌いじゃない。思う通りに描けないもどかしさや、表現がうまくいかない悔しさはあるけれど、枚数を重ねるごとにそれが段々減っていって、ただ単純に、描く楽しさになっていくのが楽しい。
......外は雨が降っていた。
冬の雨っていうのは、どうしてこうも寒いんだろう。でも、この寒さはそんなに嫌いじゃない。
なんとなく、少し寒いくらいが一番落ち着く。だから僕は、あまり暖房をつけない。
少し寒い部屋の中で、明かりはあんまり点けないで、かじかむ手を擦りながら、只々鉛筆を動かす。それがなんとなく、落ち着く。
......けれど、僕が冷えきった部屋に居るのを良しとしない人が、この家には居る。
「トーゴ。君、濡れたままじゃないだろうな。風邪を引くぜ」
先生がタオルを片手にやってきた。多分、先生は玄関に僕の靴があるのに僕の傘が無いのを見て、僕が傘を差さずにここまで来たことを察したんだろう。うん。今日は傘を持っていなかったからしょうがない。
......そして先生の予想通り、僕は濡れたままだったということだ。
勿論、手は拭いた。そうじゃないと、デッサン中なのに紙が濡れて大変なことになるから。
ただ、髪はあんまり拭いていない。というか、拭いてもすぐには乾かないから、もう諦めている。
「......って、おいおい。この部屋の寒さは一体何だ?君、またエアコンつけてないのか」
「つけてもいいぞ、と言っても君は暖房をつけないな。冷房はつけていたが......さては君、寒いのが好きか」
僕が答えると、先生は楽しそうに笑った。
「それはいいが、髪は拭いた方がいい。本当に風邪を引くぞ。ほら、おいで」
先生は僕が近づいたところでタオルを僕の頭に被せて、わしわし、と拭く。あまり上手ではない。
「自分で拭けるよ」
「いや、もうちょっと。中々こういう機会は無いから経験しておきたい。......多分、大型犬とかを拭く時はこういう感覚なのだろうなあ」
そうかもしれないけれど、果たして、僕を拭く感覚とそれがどれぐらい似ているんだろうか。僕も知らないから何とも言えない。
けれど、とりあえず先生が満足するまでは、拭かれていることにした。
先生に拭かれて、僕はなんだか気が抜けてしまったので、休憩することにした。先生も休憩がてら来たらしいので、丁度いい。2人で休憩する。
先生が持ってきてくれたココアのカップを両手で抱えて、指先を温める。じわり、と指が溶けていくようなこの感覚が、僕は中々好きなんだ。
「ああ、雨、止みそうだ。弱まってきた」
先生はココアのカップ片手に窓の外を見てそう言った。
ちなみに先生はまだ当分はココアを飲まない。何故かというと、先生は猫舌だからだ。ついでに言うならば、僕も猫舌だ。だから2人して、折角のココアを熱い内に飲まない。でも、熱いココアが入ったカップはいいゆたんぽになるので、丁度いいとも思っている。
「どうやら君が帰るころには雨は上がっていそうだな。よかったよ。君は傘を貸されても困るだろうしなあ......」
「ま、雨が上がるまではゆっくりしていけ」
もう少しだけ雨が長く降っていることを期待しつつ、僕はカップに口を付ける。
......先生が先生のカップで断念していたんだから当然なのだけれど、まだちょっと、僕が飲むには熱すぎた。
だからまだもうしばらく、ココアのカップは僕の手のためのゆたんぽになる。
ココアのカップで温まりながら、僕は机の上を眺める。
机の上には、紙が何枚か。僕が絵を描いた紙もあるけれど、それ以上に、僕が『これから絵を描く』紙が多い。
授業のプリントが1枚余ったら貰ってきて絵を描く紙にしているし、白紙が手に入ったら喜んで持って帰って絵を描く紙にしている。だから両面刷りは僕の敵。
......けれど、机の上に並んでいる紙の中には、『片面刷りの癖に絵を描く紙にできない』やつがある。
「どうした、トーゴ......ああ、そういうことか」
きっと渋い顔をしていたんだろう僕を見て、それから机の上を覗き込んでいた先生は、プリントを取り上げて納得したように頷いた。
......先生が取り上げたのは、進路希望調査のプリントだ。
進路希望調査、と書かれたプリントを見て、先生は大体、僕の気持ちを察してくれたらしい。
「そうか。もうそんな季節か。文理選択は夏頃だったしな。どれどれ......ほう。法学部。成程な。中々上等な建前だ。いいぞ」
先生は僕の『建前』を見て、苦笑した。
......これが僕の『建前』だと、言ってくれた。
こうして、僕の気持ちを見つけてくれる人がいる、というのは、嬉しいことだ。
多分僕は、こうやって先生に見つけてもらって、それでなんとか息をしている。
「ふむ......どうやらこれを書くのが辛いと見える。提出期限ギリギリだな」
僕は進路希望調査の類が、嫌いだ。嘘を吐くことになる。そしてその嘘が本心だって、また嘘を重ねなきゃいけない。
その度に、僕の中で僕の気持ちは埋まっていってしまうような気がする。
埋まっていく度に先生が見つけて掘り起こしてくれるけれど、それでも、多くの人達が、僕の心を埋めに来る。
それが、怖い。
「ふむ......僕は君より大分マシだが......僕も似たようなことはあるな」
先生はそう言って、カップを持ったまま、窓の近くの壁に寄り掛かる。
「僕も、紙の上で嘘を吐くことはままある。君も知っているとは思うが......」
うん。知っている。先生も先生で、吐きたくない嘘を吐いて、先生の気持ちを隠しておかなきゃいけないことがある。何なら僕よりもずっと辛いかもしれない。
「......例えば、毎年毎年、懲りもせずに贈られてくる素麺について『美味しくいただきました』なんて嘘を吐いているな。うん、実にままならんね」
ええと......うん。素麺は全部僕が美味しくいただいてる。
......そういう意味では『上空桐吾が』美味しくいただいているから、先生のそれはあながち嘘じゃないのかもしれないけれど。
「まあ、素麺はさておき、君はこの進路希望調査に何を書きたかったのか、自分でもよく分かっていないと見える」
......言葉に詰まる。
僕は自分の気持ちを振り返ってみるけれど、うまく形にできない。
絵を描くことは好きだ。けれど、それはうまく言葉にならない。
描きたい。ずっと描いていたい。けれど、それはそこ止まりで......その先にはきっと、何も無い。
何も無い。あっちゃいけない。そんな気がする。
何かあってほしい。でも、それは言ってはいけない気がする。
少なくとも僕は、『画家になりたい』とは、進路希望調査に書けない。きっと、僕が書きたいのはそれじゃなくて......。
......そんな僕を見て、先生は楽しそうに笑った。
「そうだな。君は絵を描くのが好きなようだ。僕から見ても、絵を描く君は実に楽しそうで中々いい」
「だからできれば、君がやりたいことをできる生き方ができればいいと、そう思っている。無論、それが難しいことも、分かっているけれどね」
僕も分かっている。『難しい』理由は幾らでもある。そんなことは僕も知っている。だから余計に、僕は進路希望調査に何を書けばいいのか分からなくて、結局、『法学部』なんて書くことになっている。
僕に足りないものは何なんだろう。言葉なのか、度胸なのか。それすらよく分からない。
「けれどな、トーゴ。そもそも、そんな紙切れ一枚に自分の全てを託す必要はない」
けれど先生は、進路希望調査のプリントを机の上に置いた。
「ここに書いたものが君の全てということはないだろう」
そこに書いてあるものは、僕の望むものじゃない。ここに書きたいものも、ここに書ききれないものも、きっと他に沢山ある。......まだ、よく見えていないし、形にならないけれど。形にしてはいけないような、そんな気も、するのだけれど。
「現実と折り合いをつけるにしても。未来がよく見えなくても。諦めなきゃいけないことがどこかにあるとしても。それでも、自分が何者なのかは、見失っちゃいけない」
先生は、特に僕を見るでもなく、言う。
「自分が何者なのか。それだけは、現実も何も全部放り出して、心の中に大事に隠し持っていても、いいんじゃないか」
「隠し持って......」
僕が少し反応したら、そこで先生はにやりと笑って僕を見た。
「そうだ。隠しておけ。君が大切に隠し持っている宝物を、それがちゃんと形になるより先に見つけ次第壊そうとする奴らには、それを隠しておくといい」
先生の言葉は、他の誰も言ってくれないものだ。
そしてきっと、僕が言われたいものだった。
「まあ......ままならんことばかりだな。ままならんことばかりだ。君はこの紙の上では嘘を吐かなきゃいけない。まだ言葉にならない思いも沢山あるだろうし、自分が何者になりたいのかも、言葉にならないんだろう」
僕は嘘を吐きながら、本心を隠しておかなきゃいけない。出したら壊されてしまうものは、そっと隠しておかなきゃならない。
でもそれは、見ないふりをしろってことじゃなくて、しまい込んで忘れろってことでもない。
言葉にならないものだって、隠しておいていい。それで、僕の中でゆっくり温めて......鳥の卵みたいに、いつか孵る日を待っていい。
いつか。
「......まあ、いつか」
先生はいつの間にかココアを飲み干したカップを手の中で意味もなく揉みながら、僕を見て、へらりと笑った。
「いつか君が、君の本心を、言葉にできればいいな、と、思っているよ」
僕も、そう思ってる。
僕が、自分の本心を......ずっと隠して温めているものを、形にできる日が、くればいい。
「もし、君の気持ちが言葉になったら教えてくれ。僕は君がどういう言葉で自分を表現するのか、聞いてみたいから」
「......言葉にするの苦手だって知ってるくせに」
「ははは。そうだな。だが君も、僕が描く絵はド下手糞だと知っていて時々描かせるだろう。どっこいだ」
どっこいだ。うん。どっこい。
僕も先生も、ままならないことだらけ、だ。
「そうだな。ということでいつか、聞かせてくれるかな?」
先生がにやりと笑うのを見て、僕は頷く。
いつか。ちゃんと、言葉にできるように。
It takes time for oil paints to dry. Especially in winter, the paint dries slowly. So oil paints take a long time to dry, and I end up doing pencil sketches or watercolors in between.
I have heard that the basis of painting is drawing. Not necessarily because of that, but I don't dislike pencil sketching so much. There is the frustration of not being able to draw the way you want and the frustration of not being able to express yourself well, but as you add more and more pictures, it gets less and less frustrating, and it simply becomes a joy to draw.
... It was raining outside.
Why is it so cold when it rains in winter? But I don't dislike this coldness so much.
I feel most at home when it's a little cold. That's why I don't turn on the heater very often.
In a slightly cold room, I don't turn on the light too much and just move my pencil while rubbing my chilled hands. That somehow calms me down.
...though there are people in this house who don't like the idea of me being in a cold room.
"Tougo, I hope you're not still wet. You'll catch a cold." (Teacher)
My teacher came in with a towel in his hand. He probably saw my shoes at the entrance but not my umbrella and realized that I had come all this way without an umbrella. No wonder. I didn't have an umbrella today.
...And just as my teacher predicted, I was still wet.
Of course, I wiped my hands. Otherwise, I would have been in trouble because the paper would have been wet even though I was in the middle of drawing.
However, I didn't wipe my hair very much. Or rather, even if I wiped my hair, it wouldn't dry immediately, so I've given up on it.
"...come on. What's with the cold in this room? You didn't turn on the air conditioner again, did you?" (Teacher)
"I told you that you could turn it on, but you didn't turn on the heater. Instead you had the air conditioner on cold... You quite like the cold, don't you?" (Teacher)
When I answered, my teacher, laughed happily.
"That's fine, but you should wipe your hair. You're really going to catch a cold. Come here." (Teacher)
My teacher put a towel over my head as I approached and began to dry my hair. He wasn't very good at it.
"I dry wipe it myself." (Tougo)
"No, not yet. I want to experience it because I don't get this kind of opportunity very often. I wonder if this is what it feels like to dry a large dog." (Teacher)
That may be so, but I wonder how similar it is to the feeling of drying me. I don't know either, so I can't say anything.
But for the time being, I decided to be dried until my teacher was satisfied.
After being towel dried by my teacher, I felt a bit distracted, so I decided to take a break. I heard that Teacher also came to take a break, so it was just right that we both took a break.
I hold the cup of cocoa my teacher brought in with both hands and warm my fingertips. I love the feeling of my fingers slowly warming up.
"Ah, it looks like it's going to stop raining. It's getting weaker." (Teacher)
He looked out the window with a cup of cocoa in his hand.
By the way, Teacher still doesn't drink cocoa for the time being because he has a cat's tongue. I also have a cat's tongue. So we both don't drink cocoa while it's still hot. But I think it's a good thing because a cup of hot cocoa makes a good hot water bottle.
"It looks like the rain will be over by the time you leave. I'm glad. You wouldn't want me to lend you an umbrella, would you...?" (Teacher)
"Well, take it easy until the rain clears up." (Teacher)
I sipped from my cup, hoping that the rain would last just a little longer.
...It was natural since I had given up on Teacher's cup since it was still a little too hot for me to drink.
So for a while longer, the cup of cocoa will be a hot water bottle for my hands.
While warming myself with the cup of cocoa, I look at the desk.
How many sheets of paper are there on the desk? There are several sheets of paper on the desk. Some of them are papers on which I have drawn pictures, but there are more papers on which I am "going to draw on".
If I have an extra printout from class, I get it and use it as paper to draw on, and if I get a blank sheet of paper, I happily take it home and use it as paper to draw on. That's why double-sided printing is my enemy.
...However, among the papers lined up on the desk, there is one that "cannot be used for drawing on paper due to its single-sided printing."
"What's wrong, Tougo... Oh, is that why?" (Teacher)
Teacher, who looked at me with what must surely have been a reluctant face and then peered over the desk, took up the prints and nodded in agreement.
The printout that my teacher took up was a printout of... our career options survey.
After looking at the printout that said, "career options survey," my teacher seemed to understand my feelings.
"I see. You are already that time in school. You chose the humanities and sciences for summer, right? Let me look at it... Law school. I see. That's a very good offer. Very good." (Teacher)
My teacher looked at my face and laughed.
...He told me that this was my stance.
I'm glad to know that there are people out there who can see my feelings.
Maybe this is how I got my teacher to find me, and that's how I manage to breathe.
"Hmm... it looks like it's going to be hard to write this. You're right on time to turn it in before the deadline." (Teacher)
I hate the career counseling I have to do. I am going to have to lie. And even if the lie is true, I still have to lie.
Each time I do this, I feel like my feelings are getting buried inside me.
Every time they get buried, my teacher finds them and digs them up, but still, many people come to bury my heart.
That's what I'm afraid of.
"Hmm... I have it better than you... but I still have similar things." (Teacher)
My teacher says then leans against the wall near the window with his cup in his hand.
"I too have told lies on paper. I'm sure you know that too..." (Teacher)
Yes. I know. Teacher is also a teacher, and there are times when he has to hide his feelings by telling lies that he doesn't want to tell. If anything, he might be having it a lot harder than me.
"...For example, every year, you lie about the somen noodles that are given to you. You say, 'It was delicious' even if it was not." (Teacher)
Um... well. I actually enjoy all the somen noodles.
...In that sense, "Tougo Uezora's" words on those being delicious may not be a lie.
"Well, aside from somen noodles, it seems that you don't quite know what you wanted to write in this career survey." (Teacher)
...I am at a loss for words.
I've been looking back at my feelings, but I can't seem to formulate them properly.
I like to draw. But I can't put it into words.
I want to paint. I want to paint all the time. But it stops there. ...There is surely nothing beyond that.
There is nothing. There shouldn't be. That is what I felt.
I want there to be something. But I don't think I should say that.
At least, I can't write "I want to be a painter" on my career application. I am sure that is not what I want to write...
Seeing me like that, my teacher smiled happily.
"That's right. I think you like to draw. From my point of view, you look really happy when you draw, and it's really nice." (Teacher)
"I hope that you will be able to live a life in which you can do what you want to do. Of course, I know how difficult that could be." (Teacher)
I know too There are many reasons why it is "difficult". I know that too. That's why I didn't know what to write in the career option survey, so I ended up writing "law school".
What is it that I am lacking? Is it words or courage? I don't even know.
"But you know what, Tougo? In the first place, you don't have to trust everything about yourself to a piece of paper." (Teacher)
Mr teacher, however, put a printout of the career choice survey on the desk.
"What you wrote here can't be everything about you, can it?" (Teacher)
What is written there is not what I want. There are many other things that I want to write here and many other things that I can't write here. I have not yet been able to see it clearly or give it form it. ...I still can't see it well, and it doesn't take shape. I feel like I shouldn't give it a shape, though.
"Even if you come to terms with reality. Even if the future doesn't look very good. Even if there are things you have to give up. But we must not lose sight of who we are." (Teacher)
Teacher doesn't even look at me as he says,
"Who you are. It is okay to let go of reality and everything else and keep that hidden in your heart." (Teacher)
"Hidden..." (Tougo)
I responded a little, and he looked at me with a grin.
"That's right. Yes, keep it hidden. Hide it from those who will try to destroy your treasure as soon as they find it before it has a chance to take shape." (Teacher)
His words were something no one else had ever said to me.
And I'm sure that's what I wanted to be told.
"Well... it's all things that can't be done. It's all a bit of a mess. You have to lie on this paper. You have a lot of unspoken thoughts, and you know who you want to be." (Teacher)
I have to lie and hide my true feelings. Things that would be destroyed if taken out must be hidden quietly.
But that doesn't mean you have to pretend you don't see it, nor does it mean you have to put it away and forget about it.
You can hide the unspoken. You can let it slowly warm up inside of you and wait for the day when it will hatch... like the egg of a bird.
Someday.
"...well, someday." (Tougo)
My teacher looked at me and smiled, rubbing the cup of cocoa in his hand, which he had drunk out of before I knew it.
"I hope someday you'll be able to put into words what you really feel." (Teacher)
I hope so too.
I hope that one day I will be able to give form to what I have been keeping hidden and incubating for so long.
"If you can put your feelings into words, please let me know. I want to hear how you express yourself." (Teacher)
"...you know I am not good at putting things into words." (Tougo)
"Hahaha. That's right. Yes, you are. But you also know that I'm not very good at drawing, but you let me do it from time to time. That's similar." (Teacher)
This is good. Yes. We are good.
Both Teacher and I are full of things that we can't do.
"Yeah, that's true. So, will you tell me about it sometime?" (Teacher)
Seeing my teacher grin, I nod.
Someday. I'll be able to put it into words.
The Picture Perfect Mochi I Drew Tastes Good
今日も絵に描いた餅が美味い
https://www.novelupdates.com/series/the-picture-perfect-mochi-i-drew-tastes-good/
Adventure Fantasy Shounen Slice of Life Supernatural
Adapted to Manga Artists Caring Protagonist Fantasy World Friendship Loner Protagonist Male Protagonist Mythical Beasts Naive Protagonist R-15 Selfless Protagonist Spirits Stubborn Protagonist Transmigration Transported to Another World Weak Protagonist
https://ncode.syosetu.com/n7921gj/
もちもち物質