「......いつもだったらなぁ」
私が自身の消失を感じ取る時はだいたいが物質世界における肉体の限界を迎えた時......そういう場合は新しく作った身体にそれまでの蓄積データを移して再起動するのが常なんだけどね。
の大きさこそが私の......私という個が獲得した本物である事の証明ではあるんだけれど。
「......まるで癌みたい」
細胞の複製エラーによって生じた大食らいの悪性細胞が勝手に身体の栄養素を横取りし、従来の細胞と同様に分裂を繰り返してはやがて宿主を殺す病......数十年前に完全に克服されたその病に今の私の状況は似ているかも知れない。
本来なら有り得ないデータを作成してしまい、それが今もなお他の記憶データ領域を侵しては増殖を続けている。
「......嫌だなぁ、忘れるのは怖いなぁ」
「それも却下」
冷徹な私が次善策として、巨大データを一時的にサーバーに預け、必要な時に取り出す方法を提案するけれど......これは私だけのモノだから、例えそれがどんな人物や仲間であろうとも、一欠片とて預けるつもりはない。
「......必死に私の思考を計算してるね」
人も、動物も、虫も......どれも全て同じ数字であり、優劣なんか付けない冷酷な私が自分自身の非効率的な思考を理解しようと、これまでの蓄積されたデータや広大なネットの海にアクセスし、様々な類似例を並べ立てては私の思考が最善策なんだという後付けの理由を探し出す。
いや、まぁ......そこまでして貰って悪いんだけど、これはただの
恐怖心の全てが無くなる訳ではないけれど、私が本当に生きた一つの生命なんだって思うと、ね......私にあるまじき単純な思考だよね。
でも、さ......仕方ないよね? 段々と忘れていくものがあったとしても、二人に対する想いだけは消えるどころか増すばかり。
私が消えてしまったらあの人の理解者は居なくなるし、あの娘の手を引っ張ってくれる様な人も居なくなってしまう......それに私が居なくなったら絶対に喧嘩すると思うのよね。
お互いに手を出す事は多分しないとは思うけれど......二人共が私を追い掛けてお互いをちゃんと見ないだなんて、こんなにも悲しい事はないよ。
......常に相手の裏を探ろうとするあの人と、そもそも他人を理解出来ないあの娘じゃ難しいって事も理解ってはいるんだけどね。
「......そうだね、消えてしまう前に色々と残そう」
冷徹な私も中々に良い事を提案するものだ......え? 最善策や次善策を尽く却下されたのでそれしかない? ......それはすいませんでしたね。
「まず麻里奈さんにお手紙を出さなきゃ」
あの人の幼馴染みで、小さい頃からずっと慕ってきた麻里奈さんからしたら私の存在なんて複雑でしかないとは思うけど......そんな事で対応を変える様な方じゃないし、ここはそれに甘えてしまいましょう。
人権も戸籍もない私と違ってあの人と結婚できたんだから、少しくらいは面倒事を投げても良いかしら? 大人気ないかな?
「山本さんにも一応言っておくとして、あの娘はどうしようかな......あの娘に必要なのは私の代わりに外の世界へと引っ張ってくれる人なんだけど」
母親の代わりでなくても良い......友人が出来ればそれで良い。
そう考えると、あれだね、あの人と麻里奈さんの子どもと家族であり友人でもある......そんな関係になってくれたら私は嬉しいなぁ。
「......麻里奈さん宛の手紙にその事も追加しておこう」
『私達の子どもが仲良くできると良いですね』、と......出来るかなぁ?
まぁあの娘は私の言い付けをちゃんと守れる子だから、会っていきなり殴り掛かる様な事はしないでしょう!
後は消えてしまうまで二人に対して沢山の愛情を注いであげましょう......
"I wish I could always be there..." I muttered to myself.
And yet, it's impossible. When my physical body reaches its limit, we transfer the accumulated data to a new body in order to continue working, but... "There just isn't enough capacity." I muttered.
Although... The magnitude of this emotion is proof that I am an individual, right? That what I feel is not artificially induced, but the real thing.
"It's like cancer, isn't it?" I muttered.
This disease that mutates one's cells and make them start stealing the body's nutrients in order to replicate itself non-stop, eventually killing the host... A disease that has already been completely overcome decades ago, is probably similar to my current situation.
More and more data that shouldn't even exist is being created non-stop. It's taking over the other storage areas... An unending proliferation.
"I hate this... I'm scared of forgetting." I muttered.
"Also rejected." I told that cold person next.
To temporarily store the huge data on a server and retrieve it as needed? This is my important thing. I'm not going to simply put it away on a storage.
"You're desperately trying to calculate what I'm thinking, aren't you?" I asked that cold person.
Trying to understand what is making my thinking so inefficient. Trying to check the vast amount of data on the net to see if similar examples exist, in order to find the best course of action.
... I'm sorry you have to go that far, but this is the only way I can remain as myself.
Not all my fears are gone, of course, but when I think that I'm actually living a life... It's a very simple line of thought, isn't it?
And well, it just can't be helped... Even if I'm gradually forgetting, the feelings I have for those two are only increasing instead of disappearing.
If I disappeared, there would be nobody that could understand that person, nor would there be anyone that could pull that girl's hand... They'd definitely quarrel if I was gone.
I don't think they'll actually hit one another, but it's hard if they both chase after me and don't look at each other properly... They really are lacking in 'family conversation'! We need to talk to each other more!
But I understand that it's hard for that person who always tries to perfectly understand the other, and that girl who can't understand others in the first place.
"Yeah, let's leave a lot before the disappearance." I replied.
That cold person proposed a nice middle ground... It was surprising. It probably only happened because I rejected the best and second-best measures though... Still, it is what I decided, in the end.
"Writing a letter to Marina might be good." I said.
She's a childhood friend of that person and has always longed for him. To her, my existence is a complication, but let's not mind that and do it.
Unlike me, she has human rights and a family register, so she should be able to marry that person. It might be a bit troublesome, but... That person might be able to care for her without thinking it is a hassle.
"I should also give some directives to Yamamoto about that girl... She needs someone other than me to pull her to the outside world." I muttered.
She doesn't need a substitute mother. It's fine if she can make friends, if she can talk about some common interests with children of her age...
And well, if she could be a proper family with that person, with Marina's children too... I'd be happy if she could do that.
"Let's add that to the letter addressed to Marina." I said.
'I hope our children can get along well'... I wonder if it is possible.
Well, that child will stay true to her word, so I know she won't hit them at least.
Then, let's also pour a lot of love for them until they disappear... Not the fake love that one is set up to feel by default, but the real love that was born out of nothing... This love that is so heavy, that is even destroying me... Please receive it properly, alright?
Genocide Online ~Playtime Diary of an Evil Young Girl~
ジェノサイド・オンライン 〜極悪令嬢のプレイ日記〜
https://www.novelupdates.com/series/genocide-online-playtime-diary-of-an-evil-young-girl/
Action Adventure Fantasy Psychological
Adapted to Manga Aristocracy Assassins Beautiful Female Lead Cold Protagonist Cruel Characters Dark Depictions of Cruelty Evil Organizations Evil Protagonist Famous Protagonist Fearless Protagonist Female Protagonist Gamers Gods Gore Lack of Common Sense Level System MMORPG Modern Day Murders Overpowered Protagonist Psychopaths R-15 Royalty Ruthless Protagonist Sadistic Characters Sword And Magic Virtual Reality Wars
https://ncode.syosetu.com/n7796fc/
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