十六話
すー、すー、と寝息のような息遣いが横たわる事しかできない俺の鼓膜を一定間隔で揺らす。
首ですら動かすと痛みが走る。
船を漕ぐソフィアに向かって、俺はさも何もなかったかのように話し掛けた。
「お前、起きてるだろ」
「............」
船を漕ぐ真似をしてまで取り繕っているだろう幼馴染みへ、俺は責めるような眼差しと共にそう告げる。
未だ目蓋は閉じたままだったけど、動きを不自然に止めてしまった時点で俺の言葉に肯定したようなものだった。
「......何年の付き合いだと思ってるんだよ」
小さな村の生まれだったからだろう。
殆ど家族同然に毎日顔を合わしていたからか、狸寝入りをしたところですぐにそれは見透かす事が出来た。
「......ま、話し掛け辛いのは分かるんだけどさ。ただ、ひとつだけ言っとく。俺はソフィアの事を怒っても無いし、恨んでも無い。この傷だって言ってしまえば俺が
だけれど、逃げようと思えば逃げ出せるタイミングなんてものは幾らでもあった。
でも、俺は逃げようとはしなかった。
現実、棒切れを片手に、立ち向かうという馬鹿としか言いようがない選択肢を俺は掴み取ったのだ。
「気に病む必要なんてものは、何処にもないから」
そう言って俺は気丈に笑う。
ソフィアからすれば、自分のせいでと思ってるんだろうが、それでも、俺からすればこの傷はどうしようもなく己にとって
勿論、痛いのが好きだとかそんな特殊性癖とかでなく————ただ単に、これからの事を考えるとこの傷はちょうど良かったのだ。
今回の一件で良く分かった。
全ての事柄において、根本的な解決はとどのつまり、『痛い目』を見る他ないのだと。貴重な体験であったとして、胸の奥に一度は刻んで置かなければならない。これから先も、『星斬り』を目指すのであればそれは間違いなく。
受けたこの傷は俺の甘い考えが齎らした結果だ。強引ではあるけれど、
受けた傷と言っても強ち間違いではないんじゃないか。俺は、そう思った。
だから、これは本心だ。
取り繕った偽の感情でなく、率直な言葉。
「慰めじゃない。これは、俺の本心だから。だから、そんなに気負う必要なんて本当に何処にも無いんだけどな」
船を漕ぐ事をやめたかと思えば硬直して。
俯いたかと思えば————無言で泣き出して。
幾ら何でも情緒不安定過ぎないかと呆れながらも、俺の脳裏を過ぎるリレアの言葉。
————キミ、一歩間違えれば死んでたわよ。
その言葉が目の前の状況を作り出した最たる原因と理解して、俺は苦笑いを浮かべた。
「良い経験だったよ。貴重な経験だった。命懸けではあったけど、それでも、得られたものは限りなく多かった」
俺としては、あの闘争は命を懸けるだけの価値があったと、アレに価値を見出している。
けれど、あくまでそれは俺に限った話。
自分のせいで俺が大怪我をして死にかけたと思い込んでるだろうソフィアにはどうしようもないまでに俺の言葉は届いてくれない。
依然として胸中絞る感情を、床にぽとり、ぽとりと落として、水玉を作るだけ。
はっきり言って、俺はどうすれば良いんだと嘆いてしまいたくあった。
とはいえ、元はと言えば俺のせいであった。
そもそもの原因はソフィアが村の外に出た事にある。けれど、それを行動に移した理由が俺の言葉であった筈なのだ。故に、突き詰めてしまえば、俺のせいに帰結する。
「そもそも、お前は勘違いしてる。なんで俺がオーガ如きで死ななくちゃいけないんだよ。『星斬り』を成そうとする俺が、なんでこんなところで躓かなきゃいけないんだよ」
なにも無かったかのように振る舞うくらいがソフィア相手ならちょうど良いと思ったから。
「俺、言っただろ。負けはしないって。付き合い長い幼馴染みの言葉くらいちょっとは信じろよ」
だからそんな通夜みたいな雰囲気出すなと言わんばかりに俺は言い放つ。
どうせ、他の誰かにいつ死んでもおかしく無い傷だとか何か吹き込まれでもしたのだろう。
でも、余計な事吹き込みやがって程度の愚痴を零すくらい許されるだろう。
そうでもしないとやってられない。
「で、も」
漸く口を開いたかと思えば、たった二文字で震えるソフィアの声は止められた。
続けるべき言葉が思い浮かばないのか。
頭に思い浮かべてるであろう言葉を紡いで良いのかと迷っているのか。
「だぁー!! 俺はこうして生きてる! さっきから勝手に俺を殺すな家出少女!!」
「あ、あれは家出じゃないしっ!!」
身体を蝕む痛みに表情を若干歪めながらも、乱暴に叫び散らす。
うじうじする理由は分かるし、俺が逆の立場であってもソフィアのようになっていたかもしれない。でも、いつまでもそんな態度を取られてると流石に俺までも気が滅入る。
「はぁあ!? 一人で隠れんぼして野宿する気満々だっただろ!」
「はぁあ!? それ! 流石のあたしもキレるよ!? 必死に隠れてたのにその言い方はない————!」
「......そのくらいで良いんだよ。俺の我儘でオーガと戦ったって言ってるのに、こうも気落ちした顔見せられると俺も調子が狂うし、俺も罪悪感で頭がおかしくなる」
きっとそれは、包帯でグルグル巻きにされてた俺が精一杯の強がりを見せながら言葉を叫び散らしていた事に気がついてしまったから。
「ご、ごめん。......ユリウス」
そしてまた顔を俯かせて、謝罪。
そう判断を下して俺は、ならばと強引に話題を変えることにした。
十数秒ほどの沈黙を、経て。
「————あのさ。俺、この傷が癒えたらこの村を出ようと思う」
言ってる意味がわからない。
そう言わんばかりに、俺の言葉を耳にしたソフィアは驚愕に目を見開かせていた。
「ソフィアにはまだ、出る気はないって言ったけど、それは俺の認識が間違ってた。俺に足りないのは鍛錬じゃなくて。......必要なのは覚悟と、経験だった」
......我ながら都合が良いヤツだと思う。
「......やっぱり、おじさんの言う通りになっちゃうんだ」
予めやって来るだろうなと心の何処かで予想出来ていたソフィアの叫び声は俺の耳には聞こえてこなかった。それどころか、ため息混じりの諦念を示す言葉が一つ。
ただ、どうしてそこで俺の親父の名が出て来るのか。その理由が全く以て理解の埒外にあった。
「......親父が?」
「そう。ユリウスのお父さん。多分、目が覚めたらあの馬鹿息子は絶対にそう言うからってあたしに教えてくれた。それと、伝言も」
恐らく、俺が無茶した事に対して誰よりも怒っているだろう
けれど、ソフィアが紡ごうとするその言葉はどうしようもなく聞きたく無かった。
耳を塞いでしまいたかった。
Chapter 16
The sound of her breathing, her snoring, shook my eardrums constantly as I could do nothing but lie there.
It hurt my neck to move it, but I still turned my gaze downward to the girl and stared at her.
I spoke to Sofia, who was dozing off as if nothing had happened.
"You're awake, right?"
"......"
I said to my childhood friend, who was probably trying to mend the situation by pretending to sleep with such a condemning look in her eyes.
Her eyes were still closed, but she stopped moving unnaturally, as if she had agreed with my words.
"...For how many years do you think we've known each other?"
Perhaps it was because I was born in a small village.
Perhaps it was because we saw each other every day, almost as if we were family, that we were able to instantly see right through each other.
"...Well, I understand why you find it difficult to talk to me right now. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going to hold any grudges against you, let alone be mad at you. I had all these wounds because of my own volition, so there's no need for you to feel guilty, Sofia."
I had no intention of turning my back on the wall, the ogre that stood before me, but there were plenty of times when I could have escaped if I wanted to.
But I didn't.
And in reality, I took the one option that could only be described as foolish, and that was to face my adversary with a stick in my hand.
"There's nothing for you to be worrying about."
I smiled stubbornly.
I knew that Sofia blamed herself and thought that it was all her fault, but still, from my own point of view, these wounds I have were inexplicably favorable for me...
Of course, it wasn't like I enjoyed pain or any particular feelings like that-- it's just that these wounds were just right for what was to come.
And I learned it after the ogre incident.
I learned that in order to get to the bottom of the problem, I must treat "pain" as a valuable experience, and keep it at the back of my mind.
All the wounds that I received were the result of my naive thinking.
It may have been forced, but I did think that it wasn't wrong to say that I received such injuries by my own choice...
These are my... true feelings.
Not a single false emotion, but honest words.
"I'm not trying to comfort you, because these are my true feelings. So there's really no need to get so worked up about this."
She stopped the dozing act, her body stiffened, and she tilted her head down.
And just when I thought that she did so-- she started crying, silently.
I was a little too emotionally unstable for my own good, but Lilea's words flashed across my mind.
--You could've died if you made even one mistake.
I chuckled as I realized that those words were the most obvious cause of the situation in front of me.
"It was a good, valuable experience for me. I sure may have risked my life, but I gained so much from it."
As far as I was concerned, that struggle was worth risking my life for, and I saw the value in that.
But that was just me.
My words, on the other hand, didn't reach Sofia, who probably believed that I almost died because of her, to the point where she couldn't help herself.
She just kept dropping her feelings on the floor as if she was making polka dots...
And to tell the truth, I felt like crying out, wondering about what I should do for her.
It was my fault to begin with.
It was Sofia's decision to leave the village that was the cause in the first place.
"You're mistaken in the first place. Why did you think that I, a man who's planning to be a "Star Slayer," would die because of an ogre in a place like that?"
I thought it would be just right to act in front of Sofia as if nothing had happened.
"I told you, right? I won't lose. You should at least believe the words of a childhood friend you've known for a long time."
And so I told her not to create such a funeral-like atmosphere.
I guess someone else must've told her that I could've died anytime or something, and I couldn't say anything about it, because I'm sure that was definitely the case.
However, it was completely normal to be down to the extent of whining about doing something you shouldn't have.
Otherwise, she'd never be able to take it anymore.
"B... But..."
When it seemed as if she finally opened her mouth, Sofia's trembling voice stopped only after a word.
She couldn't think of the words to carry on.
Or perhaps she was wondering if it was okay to say the words that were already in her head.
"HEH--!! This is how I live my life!! Stop killing me without my permission, you runaway girl!!"
"I-I'm not a runaway girl!!"
I screamed wildly, with my expression slightly distorted by the pain that consumed my body.
I understood why she was grumbling about all this, and if I were to be in the opposite position, I might have been just like her.
"HUH?! You say that but you were ready to hide and camp there alone!"
"Don't you 'HUH?!' me! Of course I'd lose my temper too! That's also not what you say to someone who's been desperately hiding!!"
"...I don't mind you sulking, but let me tell you that I fought the ogre because of my own selfishness, so if you show me that kind of face, of course I'd lose my temper, feel guilty, and go crazy."
I'm sure it was because she realized that I was wrapped in bandages and was screaming the words around her, trying to look as strong as I could.
"I-I'm sorry, Julius..."
Then she dropped her face again and apologized.
So I decided to forcefully change the subject.
There were about ten seconds of silence, and I started the conversation again.
"...You know, I'm thinking of leaving this village after I recover from these wounds."
What do you mean?
Or so her eyes widened, dumbfounded by the words she heard,
"I told you that I wasn't ready to leave, but I was wrong. It's not the training that I'm missing, but the determination and experience to do so."
I think I'm a rather indecisive person.
"...I knew it. It's just as your father said."
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that Sofia's exclamation would come, but I ended up not hearing them.
The reason why she brought out my father to this conversation was completely beyond my comprehension.
"...My father?"
"Yes, your father. He said that once his idiot son wakes up, he'd definitely say just that."
A line from my father, who was probably angrier than anyone else at my recklessness.
I couldn't help but hate to hear the words Sofia was trying to say.
To the extent that it made me want to cover my ears, but because of my injuries, I wouldn't even be able to do so.
Star-Slaying Swordsman
星斬りの剣士
https://www.novelupdates.com/series/star-slaying-swordsman/
Action Fantasy Martial Arts Mature Psychological Shounen
Adapted to Manga Dark Fantasy World Male Protagonist Mature Protagonist Medieval Philosophical Romantic Subplot Sudden Strength Gain Sword And Magic Sword Wielder Transplanted Memories
https://ncode.syosetu.com/n7336gg/
アルト／遥月