<story><title>Why It Doesn&apos;t Pay to Be a People Pleaser</title><url>http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_it_doesnt_pay_to_be_a_people_pleaser</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>benatkin</author><text>The author defines people pleasing:&lt;p&gt;&amp;gt; People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly.&lt;p&gt;People pleasing isn&amp;#x27;t caring about other people. It&amp;#x27;s being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.</text></item><item><author>avindroth</author><text>Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand.&lt;p&gt;Preachers of self-reliance seem to confuse &amp;quot;not letting other people affect you&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;not caring about other people&amp;quot;.&lt;p&gt;Self-reliance and people-pleasing are two separate axes on a Cartesian plane. You can be both self-reliant and people-pleasing.&lt;p&gt;Being self-reliant, but not people-pleasing is trivial. If you isolate yourself, there is nobody to rely on!&lt;p&gt;In the same vein, it&amp;#x27;s easy to be moral and idealistic when alone. The real test is with real people, and whether you are still able to keep those ideals.&lt;p&gt;Wield both: self-reliance and people-pleasing. Then you will be a force to be reckoned with.&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Talking about truth and white lie as a dichotomy is childish. They are tools in a toolbox. If you feel guilty because you lied, then you are a slave to the principle of honesty. If you are thinking about which (truth or white lie) is better for the relationship, then you are a master in command of both principles.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>specialist</author><text>&lt;i&gt;&amp;quot;selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people&amp;quot;&lt;/i&gt;&lt;p&gt;aka reciprocal altruism.&lt;p&gt;As I&amp;#x27;ve aged, I&amp;#x27;ve embraced transactional relationships.&lt;p&gt;My metaphor is &amp;quot;playing catch&amp;quot;. Toss the ball, hope your partner tosses it back. Repeat. The goal is to keep the game going.&lt;p&gt;Some one doesn&amp;#x27;t throw the ball back, oh well, move on to next partner.&lt;p&gt;Works remarkably well for children, lovers, coworkers, grocery store checkers, and every other relationship in my life.</text></comment>
<story><title>Why It Doesn&apos;t Pay to Be a People Pleaser</title><url>http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_it_doesnt_pay_to_be_a_people_pleaser</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>benatkin</author><text>The author defines people pleasing:&lt;p&gt;&amp;gt; People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly.&lt;p&gt;People pleasing isn&amp;#x27;t caring about other people. It&amp;#x27;s being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.</text></item><item><author>avindroth</author><text>Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand.&lt;p&gt;Preachers of self-reliance seem to confuse &amp;quot;not letting other people affect you&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;not caring about other people&amp;quot;.&lt;p&gt;Self-reliance and people-pleasing are two separate axes on a Cartesian plane. You can be both self-reliant and people-pleasing.&lt;p&gt;Being self-reliant, but not people-pleasing is trivial. If you isolate yourself, there is nobody to rely on!&lt;p&gt;In the same vein, it&amp;#x27;s easy to be moral and idealistic when alone. The real test is with real people, and whether you are still able to keep those ideals.&lt;p&gt;Wield both: self-reliance and people-pleasing. Then you will be a force to be reckoned with.&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Talking about truth and white lie as a dichotomy is childish. They are tools in a toolbox. If you feel guilty because you lied, then you are a slave to the principle of honesty. If you are thinking about which (truth or white lie) is better for the relationship, then you are a master in command of both principles.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>duaneb</author><text>You can reduce any action to being selfish and manipulative to some end. This doesn&amp;#x27;t mean it&amp;#x27;s a useful thing to point out.</text></comment>