<story><title>Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30? (2012)</title><url>https://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>vorpalhex</author><text>&amp;gt; when the hell do you expect to be making your friends over 30, during your 8-hours asleep?&lt;p&gt;You neglect the other 8 hours in a day, and you aren&amp;#x27;t alone in that. I have a ton of coworkers who do their 8, go home and watch tv and have a beer, then go to bed.&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile I&amp;#x27;m going on short hikes, taking classes or hitting the gym, or going to shows and meeting new people.&lt;p&gt;With kids, the equation is obviously different (at least the eight hours of sleep portion) but you can take the little one to the park, to play dates with other kids, and occasionally non-kid focused events (the last beer fest I went to seemed to have several kids running about).&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day you have to prioritize how to spend your time and use it fully. It is harder then just watching tv and having a beer, but much more rewarding. Take classes, volunteer, be social. Your time is limited, always use it well.</text></item><item><author>fardo</author><text>I think the elephant in the room for making new friends over 30, is stagnation in one&amp;#x27;s daily routine caused by one&amp;#x27;s job.&lt;p&gt;I don&amp;#x27;t think anything changed dramatically in the last 60 or so years on this point, even with the development of social media; by the time you&amp;#x27;re 30, you&amp;#x27;re basically done making friends.&lt;p&gt;The article glossed over it, but in your childhood and teens, you&amp;#x27;re surrounded by a new group of  people every 5 or so years, and just through sheer quantity, you&amp;#x27;re likely to make at least a few friends. Throw on team sports, extracurriculars, clubs, and the ease of introductions in a school environment, and it&amp;#x27;s almost impossible not to make a few friends all the way into your late 20s.&lt;p&gt;Somewhere around when you turn 25 or so, though, without substantial effort, things stabilize. If you were going to leave your home, you probably did, and you&amp;#x27;re settled in. You and your old friends start to marry and have kids, and both of these occupy your free time (and theirs). You may have bought a house or found a job you want to settle into for a while, with plans to stick around for several years.&lt;p&gt;For at least 8 hours of your day, you are at work, interacting with people in an environment toxic for creating trusting friendships (You&amp;#x27;re competing for the same roles, titles, bonuses, etc.), and worse, these people you&amp;#x27;re competing with are almost always the exact same people, so if you&amp;#x27;re not really friends with any of them immediately, that&amp;#x27;s basically never going to change.&lt;p&gt;With the remaining time in your evenings, you&amp;#x27;ll also settle into a routine. You won&amp;#x27;t be playing sports anymore, and if you have hobbies, you&amp;#x27;ll generally be doing them with the same small consistent set of people in your area, assuming you do them with others at all.&lt;p&gt;So, in short, if your 8-hour workday isn&amp;#x27;t a time to make friends, and you&amp;#x27;re not interacting with people in a way that leads to making friends in your 8-hour evenings, when the hell do you expect to be making your friends over 30, during your 8-hours asleep?</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>amyjess</author><text>After spending 8 hours a day at work, plus an hour lunch, plus time commuting—we&amp;#x27;re talking up to 11 hours here for work even if only 8 is spent in the office—I&amp;#x27;m exhausted and don&amp;#x27;t have the energy for much else. I&amp;#x27;m not just physically exhausted, either. I&amp;#x27;m socially drained: spending 8 hours surrounded by coworkers and being forced to interact with them uses up my entire social budget for the day. Socialization is extremely draining to me, and work forces me to use up that energy on coworkers instead of my friends.&lt;p&gt;OK, that&amp;#x27;s a little harsh to my coworkers: I get along with them well enough, and after I or they leave the company I&amp;#x27;ll probably add some of them on Facebook, but that doesn&amp;#x27;t change the fact that I have no energy for people I know outside of work.&lt;p&gt;On the occasion I do have the energy to go out to a bar or something, then I have to choose between socialization and spending time on my hobbies. I can spend a few hours after work at the bar... or I could spend them at home reading more of a novel or hacking at one of my personal projects. Back when I was in college, I had plenty of time to do both. I could hang out with friends and then go and do stuff on my own at home. Now that I&amp;#x27;m out of college, I have to choose, and having to choose sucks.</text></comment>
<story><title>Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30? (2012)</title><url>https://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>vorpalhex</author><text>&amp;gt; when the hell do you expect to be making your friends over 30, during your 8-hours asleep?&lt;p&gt;You neglect the other 8 hours in a day, and you aren&amp;#x27;t alone in that. I have a ton of coworkers who do their 8, go home and watch tv and have a beer, then go to bed.&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile I&amp;#x27;m going on short hikes, taking classes or hitting the gym, or going to shows and meeting new people.&lt;p&gt;With kids, the equation is obviously different (at least the eight hours of sleep portion) but you can take the little one to the park, to play dates with other kids, and occasionally non-kid focused events (the last beer fest I went to seemed to have several kids running about).&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day you have to prioritize how to spend your time and use it fully. It is harder then just watching tv and having a beer, but much more rewarding. Take classes, volunteer, be social. Your time is limited, always use it well.</text></item><item><author>fardo</author><text>I think the elephant in the room for making new friends over 30, is stagnation in one&amp;#x27;s daily routine caused by one&amp;#x27;s job.&lt;p&gt;I don&amp;#x27;t think anything changed dramatically in the last 60 or so years on this point, even with the development of social media; by the time you&amp;#x27;re 30, you&amp;#x27;re basically done making friends.&lt;p&gt;The article glossed over it, but in your childhood and teens, you&amp;#x27;re surrounded by a new group of  people every 5 or so years, and just through sheer quantity, you&amp;#x27;re likely to make at least a few friends. Throw on team sports, extracurriculars, clubs, and the ease of introductions in a school environment, and it&amp;#x27;s almost impossible not to make a few friends all the way into your late 20s.&lt;p&gt;Somewhere around when you turn 25 or so, though, without substantial effort, things stabilize. If you were going to leave your home, you probably did, and you&amp;#x27;re settled in. You and your old friends start to marry and have kids, and both of these occupy your free time (and theirs). You may have bought a house or found a job you want to settle into for a while, with plans to stick around for several years.&lt;p&gt;For at least 8 hours of your day, you are at work, interacting with people in an environment toxic for creating trusting friendships (You&amp;#x27;re competing for the same roles, titles, bonuses, etc.), and worse, these people you&amp;#x27;re competing with are almost always the exact same people, so if you&amp;#x27;re not really friends with any of them immediately, that&amp;#x27;s basically never going to change.&lt;p&gt;With the remaining time in your evenings, you&amp;#x27;ll also settle into a routine. You won&amp;#x27;t be playing sports anymore, and if you have hobbies, you&amp;#x27;ll generally be doing them with the same small consistent set of people in your area, assuming you do them with others at all.&lt;p&gt;So, in short, if your 8-hour workday isn&amp;#x27;t a time to make friends, and you&amp;#x27;re not interacting with people in a way that leads to making friends in your 8-hour evenings, when the hell do you expect to be making your friends over 30, during your 8-hours asleep?</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>mancerayder</author><text>Except it&amp;#x27;s exhausting after 8 hrs (or more) in a job, 30-45m commute each leg, and some gym or other exercise (which can energize but steal hours from the day to socialize).  Going home and opening a beer is the popping of the pressure&amp;#x2F;people overdose cork.  Commuting on a crowded subway is exhausting personally.</text></comment>