<story><title>Advice giving: A subtle pathway to power</title><url>https://ink.library.smu.edu.sg/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=6779&amp;context=lkcsb_research</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>timwaagh</author><text>i find receiving advice to be difficult because the other person essentially places himself above you. That is why i try to be careful with dishing out too much advice. But sometimes its necessary. and sometimes i just cannot help it.&lt;p&gt;if i give advice, i try to do it in a non-personal way. like &amp;#x27;i just found a cool trick to do y&amp;#x27; rather than &amp;#x27;you are doing it like x, but doing y would be better&amp;#x27;.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>pmichaud</author><text>I face this issue frequently, and one thing that I find helps is acknowledge what&amp;#x27;s happening:&lt;p&gt;1. If you&amp;#x27;re talking to an actual equal, and you&amp;#x27;re not sure but you&amp;#x27;re trying to be helpful, then prefacing with that is good. &amp;quot;Look, you know way more about your problem than I do, but when you asked for advice [they did &lt;i&gt;ask&lt;/i&gt; for the advice, right?] the first dumb idea I had was _____&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;2. Sometimes you actually are &amp;quot;above&amp;quot; the other person in the context of the advice you&amp;#x27;re giving. You&amp;#x27;re actually just an expert and they aren&amp;#x27;t, for example. In that case you have a couple options that are context dependent.&lt;p&gt;One is to just ask: &amp;quot;Do you mind if I give you some unsolicited advice that maybe you already thought of?&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;The other is to lampshade it. This works best in cases where the power difference is just objectively obvious. I use this exact phrasing with my daughter: &amp;quot;Do you mind if I patronize you a little? If anyone can patronize anyone it&amp;#x27;s a father and his daughter, right?&amp;quot; But it works with others as well, for example I&amp;#x27;m often in the position of giving life advice to undergrads, and I might say something like &amp;quot;Do you mind if I old-man-patronize you a little? It might be helpful!&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;I think most of the weird power dynamics and discomfort come from assuming something is common knowledge when it isn&amp;#x27;t. It may be true that I&amp;#x27;m better than you, and even that each of us knows it, but if we haven&amp;#x27;t mutually acknowledged it to each other and made it common knowledge, then it&amp;#x27;ll strike an awkward chord when I act like it&amp;#x27;s true... unless I put it right out there in common knowledge before I start.&lt;p&gt;The same is true if we&amp;#x27;re equals but I&amp;#x27;m giving you advice anyway--it&amp;#x27;s awkward because... maybe I think we&amp;#x27;re not equals? If I preface with &amp;quot;we&amp;#x27;re equals, and in fact you know more than I do here because you&amp;#x27;re the one in the situation&amp;quot; then it&amp;#x27;s clear where I&amp;#x27;m coming from and it&amp;#x27;s not awkward.&lt;p&gt;Finally, all the different ways of prefacing above critically give the other person the opportunity to say &amp;quot;actually, no, don&amp;#x27;t,&amp;quot; so they have dignity and agency in the exchange.</text></comment>
<story><title>Advice giving: A subtle pathway to power</title><url>https://ink.library.smu.edu.sg/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=6779&amp;context=lkcsb_research</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>timwaagh</author><text>i find receiving advice to be difficult because the other person essentially places himself above you. That is why i try to be careful with dishing out too much advice. But sometimes its necessary. and sometimes i just cannot help it.&lt;p&gt;if i give advice, i try to do it in a non-personal way. like &amp;#x27;i just found a cool trick to do y&amp;#x27; rather than &amp;#x27;you are doing it like x, but doing y would be better&amp;#x27;.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>tchaffee</author><text>Interpersonal skills really come into play. Every situation is different. What you are describing sounds like an interaction with an equal. Which might end up having to be more of a sales pitch for your idea than giving advice. There are plenty of situations where the difference in experience calls for a more assertive approach. Senior dev to junior dev, or even expert to client. Selling an idea takes time, and if you were hired to be the expert you sometimes have to just insist and give strong advice in the interest of efficiency. Not everyone junior will be convinced by authority, but enough are that it saves a great deal of time.</text></comment>