<story><title>‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men</title><url>https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/aug/28/unspoken-grief-childless-men</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>em-bee</author><text>i think the smart thing to do is to have kids when you are 20 and then enjoy life when you are 40. at that time you are much better off financially (unless you live in a country where you have to pay for your kids education maybe) which gives you a lot more freedom to explore your interests.</text></item><item><author>basisword</author><text>I feel like most young men have always wanted to extend their youth and avoid the responsibility that family life would bring. However, until recently (with easy access to birth control, abortion, and proper education) this wasn&amp;#x27;t really possible. You would accidentally have a child and be forced into the lifestyle you were trying to avoid. And most of the time things worked out and you were forced into a situation that&amp;#x27;s probably better for you rather than delaying it until it&amp;#x27;s too late. Now that we have &amp;#x27;choice&amp;#x27; things are more difficult because you need to actually commit to something life changing. For most people it&amp;#x27;s impossible to know the &amp;#x27;right time&amp;#x27; to do that or for them to have the courage necessary to take the change.</text></item><item><author>bell-cot</author><text>Geezer* Perspective...&lt;p&gt;[*If not in the USA, read &amp;quot;Old geezer&amp;quot;.  Credit: Aachen]&lt;p&gt;&lt;i&gt;Many&lt;/i&gt; varieties of &amp;quot;I really regret that I [did|didn&amp;#x27;t] do X when I was younger&amp;quot; occur in older humans.&lt;p&gt;The stereotype of young men wanting to avoid all the work and commitment of setting down, marrying, and raising children is older than the pyramids.  It is obviously not true of all young men, but there&amp;#x27;s very seldom been a shortage.  Sure, their feelings may change as they grow older - but a young man whose main motive for marriage is &amp;quot;so I don&amp;#x27;t regret not having kids when I&amp;#x27;m old&amp;quot; strikes me as a young man who the young women should avoid.&lt;p&gt;In some cases, I get the sense that &amp;quot;I really regret not having children&amp;quot; is mostly a way of articulating &amp;quot;I am old and socially disconnected and feel lonely and depressed&amp;quot;.  In the modern world - where kids generally grow up and move far away for jobs - having had children would probably not help much with that.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>basisword</author><text>There&amp;#x27;s trades offs either way. Personally, I would rather have had the experiences I had in my 20&amp;#x27;s. Anything you can do in your 40&amp;#x27;s, you can do in your 50&amp;#x27;s or 60&amp;#x27;s. Some of the crazy (good and bad) you can experience in your 20&amp;#x27;s you don&amp;#x27;t get a chance to experience again. But, it&amp;#x27;s a trade off still.</text></comment>
<story><title>‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men</title><url>https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/aug/28/unspoken-grief-childless-men</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>em-bee</author><text>i think the smart thing to do is to have kids when you are 20 and then enjoy life when you are 40. at that time you are much better off financially (unless you live in a country where you have to pay for your kids education maybe) which gives you a lot more freedom to explore your interests.</text></item><item><author>basisword</author><text>I feel like most young men have always wanted to extend their youth and avoid the responsibility that family life would bring. However, until recently (with easy access to birth control, abortion, and proper education) this wasn&amp;#x27;t really possible. You would accidentally have a child and be forced into the lifestyle you were trying to avoid. And most of the time things worked out and you were forced into a situation that&amp;#x27;s probably better for you rather than delaying it until it&amp;#x27;s too late. Now that we have &amp;#x27;choice&amp;#x27; things are more difficult because you need to actually commit to something life changing. For most people it&amp;#x27;s impossible to know the &amp;#x27;right time&amp;#x27; to do that or for them to have the courage necessary to take the change.</text></item><item><author>bell-cot</author><text>Geezer* Perspective...&lt;p&gt;[*If not in the USA, read &amp;quot;Old geezer&amp;quot;.  Credit: Aachen]&lt;p&gt;&lt;i&gt;Many&lt;/i&gt; varieties of &amp;quot;I really regret that I [did|didn&amp;#x27;t] do X when I was younger&amp;quot; occur in older humans.&lt;p&gt;The stereotype of young men wanting to avoid all the work and commitment of setting down, marrying, and raising children is older than the pyramids.  It is obviously not true of all young men, but there&amp;#x27;s very seldom been a shortage.  Sure, their feelings may change as they grow older - but a young man whose main motive for marriage is &amp;quot;so I don&amp;#x27;t regret not having kids when I&amp;#x27;m old&amp;quot; strikes me as a young man who the young women should avoid.&lt;p&gt;In some cases, I get the sense that &amp;quot;I really regret not having children&amp;quot; is mostly a way of articulating &amp;quot;I am old and socially disconnected and feel lonely and depressed&amp;quot;.  In the modern world - where kids generally grow up and move far away for jobs - having had children would probably not help much with that.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>tonyedgecombe</author><text>Looking back I don&amp;#x27;t think I would have been ready at twenty. Also I couldn&amp;#x27;t afford a house at the time but could at thirty.</text></comment>