<story><title>Half of lonely people think no one will notice if something bad happens to them</title><url>https://www.thesun.ie/fabulous/3439832/half-of-lonely-people-think-no-one-will-notice-if-something-bad-happens-to-them-experts-say/</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>thinkharder</author><text>I had a good friend who just had open &amp;quot;hang out&amp;quot; time every day after work in his garage.  There was a group of about 30 friends who might stop by any time between 5 and 8 PM, have a beer, hang out and BS.  Sometimes it was just Paul and 1 or 2 others, sometimes 15 people showed up, sometimes Paul wasn&amp;#x27;t even there, but the garage was always open (if you had the code). I used to go almost every day between work and home, it&amp;#x27;s how i made about half the friends I have now. It was also where weekend plans got made and many a hunting&amp;#x2F;fishing&amp;#x2F;camping trip got planned there.&lt;p&gt;That&amp;#x27;s over now and I really miss it.  Buddy had some health problems and ended up with an overwhelming opiate addiction and just stopped hanging out with anyone.  Some of the friends still get together for a weekend poker game but it&amp;#x27;s not the same.  It was so cool to have a place you could go hang out after work where you knew everyone was fun to be around and they liked having you around. You never know who would be there or what the conversation would be but it was always a good time.&lt;p&gt;I&amp;#x27;ve tried to get the same thing going myself, but have never been successful.  I&amp;#x27;m not sure how you get that started.  Once it&amp;#x27;s going, it&amp;#x27;s self-sustaining, but you have to reach a critical mass of participants and has to occur really regularly, even daily.   I think maybe it takes a very specific kind of person to be the host.&lt;p&gt;Anyway, that&amp;#x27;s what the OP&amp;#x27;s campfire analogy made me think of.  I really miss it...</text></item><item><author>waffle_ss</author><text>Could you elaborate more concretely about this campfire model?&lt;p&gt;edit: Asking because I&amp;#x27;m having a hard time visualizing the metaphor applied to reality. Do you find&amp;#x2F;make friends (&amp;quot;campers&amp;quot;?) differently? Would they consider you a friend, or are these relationships more broad with less depth? How does maintaining the fire relate to maintaining friendships? Are you just a support person handing out favors with little expectation of reciprocity? If so does that feel fulfilling compared to deeply investing in a smaller number of people?</text></item><item><author>digitalsushi</author><text>Sometimes I feel that it can be a lucrative trap to become invested in a single person, and then accumulate expectations that far outweigh the responsible obligations of any friendship.&lt;p&gt;As I have gotten older, a pattern that is working much better for me is the campfire model - I just try to keep a metaphorical campfire going, for people traveling through this life to stop and warm themselves upon while I tend it. I cannot know which direction people are traveling from, or to, or how long their journey has been or will be. But all people need to warm their calloused hands and feet, and I can keep this fire with a bed of rosy coals.&lt;p&gt;Sometimes someone will stop at my fire and warm themselves without my ever having paid attention, but to them it may have meant all the difference in the world. By keeping this obligation in mind, to simply expect people to need a place to sit a spell, I can at least believe I am helping.&lt;p&gt;The campfire is a nice way for me to remember we&amp;#x27;re all suffering, that not a one of us is unique to loneliness.  Because sometimes that person who sits down at your fire is the person you have been waiting for, and only by making a seat for them were you able to ever meet.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>zaidf</author><text>I feel like I have this setup. For the last 3 years, I’ve been going to a cafe in downtown SF. Over the course of this time, I’ve met people who’ve become best friends, roommates, ppl to do side projects with and much more. Friends know if they want to talk to me they can very reliably just walk in and find me there 8&amp;#x2F;10 times.&lt;p&gt;The cool thing about this set up is that you make new friends on a rolling basis which is key because friends you hang with will occasionally move elsewhere or change lifestyles. Over the course of the 3 years, I think the following implicit principles have worked really well:&lt;p&gt;- We have no expectations of finding each other.&lt;p&gt;- We don’t make plans.&lt;p&gt;- On the rare occasion that we make plans, it is very informal. You’re free to flake &amp;#x2F; be late  without being nagged or feeling like you’ve someone waiting on you (they aren’t.)&lt;p&gt;- Very concrete plans are  reserved for events (sad and happy) like a breakup or career chat — in those cases, I’ll make sure to be there at the time I expect the friend.</text></comment>
<story><title>Half of lonely people think no one will notice if something bad happens to them</title><url>https://www.thesun.ie/fabulous/3439832/half-of-lonely-people-think-no-one-will-notice-if-something-bad-happens-to-them-experts-say/</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>thinkharder</author><text>I had a good friend who just had open &amp;quot;hang out&amp;quot; time every day after work in his garage.  There was a group of about 30 friends who might stop by any time between 5 and 8 PM, have a beer, hang out and BS.  Sometimes it was just Paul and 1 or 2 others, sometimes 15 people showed up, sometimes Paul wasn&amp;#x27;t even there, but the garage was always open (if you had the code). I used to go almost every day between work and home, it&amp;#x27;s how i made about half the friends I have now. It was also where weekend plans got made and many a hunting&amp;#x2F;fishing&amp;#x2F;camping trip got planned there.&lt;p&gt;That&amp;#x27;s over now and I really miss it.  Buddy had some health problems and ended up with an overwhelming opiate addiction and just stopped hanging out with anyone.  Some of the friends still get together for a weekend poker game but it&amp;#x27;s not the same.  It was so cool to have a place you could go hang out after work where you knew everyone was fun to be around and they liked having you around. You never know who would be there or what the conversation would be but it was always a good time.&lt;p&gt;I&amp;#x27;ve tried to get the same thing going myself, but have never been successful.  I&amp;#x27;m not sure how you get that started.  Once it&amp;#x27;s going, it&amp;#x27;s self-sustaining, but you have to reach a critical mass of participants and has to occur really regularly, even daily.   I think maybe it takes a very specific kind of person to be the host.&lt;p&gt;Anyway, that&amp;#x27;s what the OP&amp;#x27;s campfire analogy made me think of.  I really miss it...</text></item><item><author>waffle_ss</author><text>Could you elaborate more concretely about this campfire model?&lt;p&gt;edit: Asking because I&amp;#x27;m having a hard time visualizing the metaphor applied to reality. Do you find&amp;#x2F;make friends (&amp;quot;campers&amp;quot;?) differently? Would they consider you a friend, or are these relationships more broad with less depth? How does maintaining the fire relate to maintaining friendships? Are you just a support person handing out favors with little expectation of reciprocity? If so does that feel fulfilling compared to deeply investing in a smaller number of people?</text></item><item><author>digitalsushi</author><text>Sometimes I feel that it can be a lucrative trap to become invested in a single person, and then accumulate expectations that far outweigh the responsible obligations of any friendship.&lt;p&gt;As I have gotten older, a pattern that is working much better for me is the campfire model - I just try to keep a metaphorical campfire going, for people traveling through this life to stop and warm themselves upon while I tend it. I cannot know which direction people are traveling from, or to, or how long their journey has been or will be. But all people need to warm their calloused hands and feet, and I can keep this fire with a bed of rosy coals.&lt;p&gt;Sometimes someone will stop at my fire and warm themselves without my ever having paid attention, but to them it may have meant all the difference in the world. By keeping this obligation in mind, to simply expect people to need a place to sit a spell, I can at least believe I am helping.&lt;p&gt;The campfire is a nice way for me to remember we&amp;#x27;re all suffering, that not a one of us is unique to loneliness.  Because sometimes that person who sits down at your fire is the person you have been waiting for, and only by making a seat for them were you able to ever meet.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>koolba</author><text>The happiest guy I know has this exact setup at his place. It’s a group of about 15 people of which at least 5-6 show up daily to have a beer, plays cards, and generally pass the evening hours.&lt;p&gt;Coming from a fast paced corporate world, it’s a uniquely beautiful experience.</text></comment>