<story><title>How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes</title><url>https://www.npr.org/2020/09/15/913207918/how-to-say-no-for-the-people-pleaser-who-always-says-yes</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>closeparen</author><text>My life got a lot better after I stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others. I really don’t want to go out for drinks after work. But this preference is &lt;i&gt;nothing&lt;/i&gt; compared to how much I value the friendships that come from doing it. Hiking a mountain is not in the top 100 things I want to do with my weekend. But a shared experience with a group of people is something I need deep in my soul.&lt;p&gt;Human connection is the preference that weighs many times more than all the others combined. Prioritizing my own inane sense of self rather than adopting behaviors that could enable relationships was  just idiotic self-torture.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>citrate05</author><text>The point of the article isn’t to never do anything someone else suggests. It’s to get you out of the habit of &lt;i&gt;reflexively&lt;/i&gt; agreeing to do other people favors out of anxiety, guilt, or a sense of obligation. If you’ve said “yes” to every request that crossed your desk, you’re probably not going to be left with much time to go out for drinks or to go climb a mountain with your friends.&lt;p&gt;What you’re describing is more of a tension between going with your immediate emotional response (feeling annoyed that you have to expend some effort) versus your values (connecting with other people; other examples might be creating something, or leaving a positive legacy). That’s actually pretty congruent with the message of this piece. People who are habitual people-pleasers tend to let their initial emotional response of guilt or anxiety win over their values. The immediate outcomes may be different (over- vs. undercommitting), but the long term outcome in both cases is feeling like you’re living a life without much meaning or purpose.</text></comment>
<story><title>How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes</title><url>https://www.npr.org/2020/09/15/913207918/how-to-say-no-for-the-people-pleaser-who-always-says-yes</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>closeparen</author><text>My life got a lot better after I stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others. I really don’t want to go out for drinks after work. But this preference is &lt;i&gt;nothing&lt;/i&gt; compared to how much I value the friendships that come from doing it. Hiking a mountain is not in the top 100 things I want to do with my weekend. But a shared experience with a group of people is something I need deep in my soul.&lt;p&gt;Human connection is the preference that weighs many times more than all the others combined. Prioritizing my own inane sense of self rather than adopting behaviors that could enable relationships was  just idiotic self-torture.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>apples_oranges</author><text>Great comment. I would add that this ties in with goal setting, which is an activity where you set the priorities for your life. If it&amp;#x27;s fitness for example you will skip the drinks and go to the gym instead. If it&amp;#x27;s money you will work on your business and so forth. You decided it&amp;#x27;s social connections, but it will be different for everyone. It&amp;#x27;s important to sit down and decide what we want out of life, imho.</text></comment>