<story><title>A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem</title><url>https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/04/marriage-problems-fight-dishes/629526/</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>dre85</author><text>I&amp;#x27;m in a marriage and I struggle with this same question. I sometimes feel like the things my wife cares about are essentially endless. Like if I bend to &amp;quot;her way&amp;quot; and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it&amp;#x27;s the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody&amp;#x27;s upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things.&lt;p&gt;I found the article really well written and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to it. Consideration for our partners and compromise is a tricky and interesting domain. I&amp;#x27;m realizing more and more that there can be a lot of complexity behind benign everyday situations like a dirty cup beside the sink. Like how can a dirty dish even perturb somebody so much in the first place? Is it related to some trauma or childhood conditioning? Can it be addressed somehow?</text></item><item><author>TedDoesntTalk</author><text>Thanks for writing this. I have a question for you, since my marriage ended for reasons similar to this author&amp;#x27;s. Why is the wife&amp;#x27;s desire more important than his? In other words, why must the husband live the way the wife wants and compromise is not acceptable (especially if they share cleaning responsibilities) -- compromise could look like &amp;quot;sometimes I do it her way, sometimes I do it my way.&amp;quot; Why can&amp;#x27;t a partner let go of the little things and accept that living with another person (spouse or roommate) means you don&amp;#x27;t get to set all the rules on how both of you live?&lt;p&gt;We are always told &amp;quot;Accept your significant other rather  than trying to change them.&amp;quot; Why does not that apply here?</text></item><item><author>js2</author><text>A lot of folks are misinterpreting this article, or just using it as a jumping off point to get something off their chest.&lt;p&gt;This article is not literally about the dirty dish. It&amp;#x27;s not even about compromise. Rather, the article is really about having healthy communication with your partner.&lt;p&gt;The author&amp;#x27;s wife was trying to communicate to him: &amp;quot;when you do X, I feel like Y, and it hurts me.&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;But he wasn&amp;#x27;t &lt;i&gt;hearing&lt;/i&gt; it. Not really. Now maybe his wife wasn&amp;#x27;t communicating as effectively as she could. But the author seems to indicate that she was and that he could have done more to recognize what she was saying and to empathize with her. He didn&amp;#x27;t get it, and now he clearly regrets it. It&amp;#x27;s too bad a healthy relationship didn&amp;#x27;t come out of that, but sometimes there&amp;#x27;s just too much damage.&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have been together for 33 years, married for 26 of those (we met in HS). I&amp;#x27;m extremely fortunate that she&amp;#x27;s empathetic, compassionate, and has the patience of Job. Because it turns out that for a large portion of our marriage, I behaved like an asshole. She&amp;#x27;s not confrontational, while I thrive on it. We had a rule never to let a day end angry at each other, but mostly due to faults on my side she wasn&amp;#x27;t always heard because I wasn&amp;#x27;t open to listening to her. This built a lot of resentment. It came to a head years ago, but we worked through it and our relationship is healthier than it&amp;#x27;s ever been.&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You&amp;#x27;re not wrong Walter; you&amp;#x27;re just an asshole.&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;The hard work in a relationship isn&amp;#x27;t compromise. That&amp;#x27;s table stakes. The hard work is communication.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>mensetmanusman</author><text>Here is one strategy that I enjoy:&lt;p&gt;Start a notes checklist on your phone of what you could have done to prevent the situation in the first place.&lt;p&gt;It will grow to probably over 40-50 things over the course of two months. And you will start to realize as you read the list the types of themes that are upsetting and stressful to her.&lt;p&gt;This has helped but your mileage may vary, it is illuminating though…</text></comment>
<story><title>A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem</title><url>https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/04/marriage-problems-fight-dishes/629526/</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>dre85</author><text>I&amp;#x27;m in a marriage and I struggle with this same question. I sometimes feel like the things my wife cares about are essentially endless. Like if I bend to &amp;quot;her way&amp;quot; and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it&amp;#x27;s the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody&amp;#x27;s upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things.&lt;p&gt;I found the article really well written and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to it. Consideration for our partners and compromise is a tricky and interesting domain. I&amp;#x27;m realizing more and more that there can be a lot of complexity behind benign everyday situations like a dirty cup beside the sink. Like how can a dirty dish even perturb somebody so much in the first place? Is it related to some trauma or childhood conditioning? Can it be addressed somehow?</text></item><item><author>TedDoesntTalk</author><text>Thanks for writing this. I have a question for you, since my marriage ended for reasons similar to this author&amp;#x27;s. Why is the wife&amp;#x27;s desire more important than his? In other words, why must the husband live the way the wife wants and compromise is not acceptable (especially if they share cleaning responsibilities) -- compromise could look like &amp;quot;sometimes I do it her way, sometimes I do it my way.&amp;quot; Why can&amp;#x27;t a partner let go of the little things and accept that living with another person (spouse or roommate) means you don&amp;#x27;t get to set all the rules on how both of you live?&lt;p&gt;We are always told &amp;quot;Accept your significant other rather  than trying to change them.&amp;quot; Why does not that apply here?</text></item><item><author>js2</author><text>A lot of folks are misinterpreting this article, or just using it as a jumping off point to get something off their chest.&lt;p&gt;This article is not literally about the dirty dish. It&amp;#x27;s not even about compromise. Rather, the article is really about having healthy communication with your partner.&lt;p&gt;The author&amp;#x27;s wife was trying to communicate to him: &amp;quot;when you do X, I feel like Y, and it hurts me.&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;But he wasn&amp;#x27;t &lt;i&gt;hearing&lt;/i&gt; it. Not really. Now maybe his wife wasn&amp;#x27;t communicating as effectively as she could. But the author seems to indicate that she was and that he could have done more to recognize what she was saying and to empathize with her. He didn&amp;#x27;t get it, and now he clearly regrets it. It&amp;#x27;s too bad a healthy relationship didn&amp;#x27;t come out of that, but sometimes there&amp;#x27;s just too much damage.&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have been together for 33 years, married for 26 of those (we met in HS). I&amp;#x27;m extremely fortunate that she&amp;#x27;s empathetic, compassionate, and has the patience of Job. Because it turns out that for a large portion of our marriage, I behaved like an asshole. She&amp;#x27;s not confrontational, while I thrive on it. We had a rule never to let a day end angry at each other, but mostly due to faults on my side she wasn&amp;#x27;t always heard because I wasn&amp;#x27;t open to listening to her. This built a lot of resentment. It came to a head years ago, but we worked through it and our relationship is healthier than it&amp;#x27;s ever been.&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You&amp;#x27;re not wrong Walter; you&amp;#x27;re just an asshole.&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;The hard work in a relationship isn&amp;#x27;t compromise. That&amp;#x27;s table stakes. The hard work is communication.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>webmobdev</author><text>&amp;gt; &lt;i&gt;At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody&amp;#x27;s upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you are not the one with the issues, then it sounds like your wife may be an &lt;i&gt;Obsessive Compulsive Personality Type&lt;/i&gt; - this type of personality has a need for orderliness, neatness, perfectionism and mental and interpersonal control. Basically, their thinking is that they have &amp;quot;figured out&amp;quot; a process for doing something, and if that process is not followed to the dot, it will not result in the desired optimal &amp;#x2F; perfect result (this causes them anxiety, which makes them feel that they are losing control over their life &amp;#x2F; relationship, and they become even more obsessed and compulsive to &amp;quot;regain&amp;quot; control).&lt;p&gt;They are a bit difficult to live with, even if they can be really wonderful, caring and loving human beings. Often some counselling for anxiety (consider cognitive behaviour therapy), and insights into how their unrealistic expectation and actions can be troubling in a relationship can often make them more empathetic to the other person in a relationship, and smooth things over.&lt;p&gt;(Be wary, as my assumptions about your wife could be quite wrong. Best to consult a therapist).</text></comment>