<story><title>Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)</title><url>https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/08/style/men-emotions-mankind-project.html</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>sabarn01</author><text>Whats wrong with stoicism.  Feelings are fleeting in general didn&amp;#x27;t lead me to positive places.  I think we should put a high value on people that can handle their own problems.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>dang</author><text>I&amp;#x27;ve participated in some of this work and agree that having feeling-sharing be the top line item is misleading. Feelings are involved, but the core of it is to face what one has been avoiding, in order to become stronger and grow. There&amp;#x27;s plenty of room for stoicism in that.&lt;p&gt;The way to overcome pain is to acknowledge and include it instead of denying it. The difference is huge, and most of us need help to get there—personally contactful help, not idea help. I found it pretty liberating to be able to get such help from other men, in a group no less. The point is not to become a gushy feeling-sharer or a sensitive new-age male. It is to no longer be governed by unconscious feelings and the wounds of early experience.&lt;p&gt;The organizations that practice this work are not super clear about that distinction, which I suspect limits their appeal to many men. I went because of a friend I respect, who in turn went because of a friend he respects. Had either of us only read an article like this, I doubt we&amp;#x27;d have been interested. Its subtle ironizing, which approaches belittling (&amp;quot;chastened menfolk&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;There, there&amp;quot;), would have turned me off. The photos would have turned me off too, and I&amp;#x27;ve sat in a lot of workshops (though usually with few men and many women).&lt;p&gt;Edit: an interesting thing to me was the gap between practice and theory. Even though there were parts of the theory behind that work which I didn&amp;#x27;t necessarily find appealing, I met quite a few men there who struck me as having a kind of integrated masculinity (maybe not the best phrase, but it&amp;#x27;s hard to find words for these qualities). They seemed strong and open at the same time. I found myself admiring them and wanting to be more like that myself. None of this had much to do with expressing feelings or being emotional; I would use the word presence instead. They maybe even seemed a bit less emotional than most men I meet—more able to take in what is happening without being reactive.&lt;p&gt;So I would say the theory doesn&amp;#x27;t work as well as the practice. You barely ever get that! usually it&amp;#x27;s the other way around.</text></comment>
<story><title>Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)</title><url>https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/08/style/men-emotions-mankind-project.html</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>sabarn01</author><text>Whats wrong with stoicism.  Feelings are fleeting in general didn&amp;#x27;t lead me to positive places.  I think we should put a high value on people that can handle their own problems.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>nostromo</author><text>I agree.  I find that the healthiest people in my life don&amp;#x27;t seem to be the types prone to endless rumination.&lt;p&gt;I think this is where meditation (and stoicism) deviates from some types of psychotherapy and most support groups.  Meditation teaches you to look at feelings dispassionately, which helps you lessen their power.  This is very different than treating each emotion as if it is &amp;quot;correct&amp;quot; and in need of resolution via lots of introspection.</text></comment>