<story><title>Ask vs. Guess Culture</title><url>https://jeanhsu.substack.com/p/ask-vs-guess-culture</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>jzb</author><text>&amp;quot;It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad &lt;i&gt;went off&lt;/i&gt; on me after we visited someone&amp;#x27;s house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.)&lt;p&gt;Even though his reaction was way overboard, I still believe this. Let people offer things, don&amp;#x27;t ask. (With a lot of caveats depending on context...)</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>retrac</author><text>That may work relatively well with consumables like food.  But it extends in many directions.  I have fans and a space heater and extra blankets and etc.  All of them are available for a houseguest to use.  Many of them are stored in the guest room.&lt;p&gt;I&amp;#x27;ve had &amp;quot;guess culture&amp;quot; people stay over.  Really, in my mind they don&amp;#x27;t even need to  ask.  They&amp;#x27;re already welcome to take an extra blanket.  But they won&amp;#x27;t even ask, and they certainly wouldn&amp;#x27;t presume.  They are indeed waiting on me to say &amp;quot;oh, if you&amp;#x27;re warm the fan can be plugged in, and there&amp;#x27;s some extra blankets in the closet if you want&amp;quot;.  Though in my mind, I don&amp;#x27;t need to say that.  And if I don&amp;#x27;t say it they may go very uncomfortable.&lt;p&gt;I&amp;#x27;m most used to giving such reassurances to children, and to give them to adults seems a little infantilizing.  But that&amp;#x27;s my relatively &amp;quot;ask culture&amp;quot; background in action, probably.</text></comment>
<story><title>Ask vs. Guess Culture</title><url>https://jeanhsu.substack.com/p/ask-vs-guess-culture</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>jzb</author><text>&amp;quot;It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you&amp;quot;&lt;p&gt;I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad &lt;i&gt;went off&lt;/i&gt; on me after we visited someone&amp;#x27;s house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.)&lt;p&gt;Even though his reaction was way overboard, I still believe this. Let people offer things, don&amp;#x27;t ask. (With a lot of caveats depending on context...)</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>wccrawford</author><text>While I was studying Japanese, I learned that they go out of their way to make it so the other person doesn&amp;#x27;t have to refuse with a &amp;quot;no&amp;quot;.  For instance, they&amp;#x27;ll ask, &amp;quot;Do you not have X?&amp;quot; instead of &amp;quot;Do you have X?&amp;quot;  The person can answer &amp;quot;Yes, we don&amp;#x27;t have it&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;It&amp;#x27;s over here&amp;quot;.&lt;p&gt;I actually made this mistake, asking for a product directly instead of negatively, when I was in Tokyo.  The clerk took me to the aisle and said, &amp;quot;If we had it, it&amp;#x27;d be here.&amp;quot;  And there was no space for it.  Took me a couple times to realize what had happened.</text></comment>