<story><title>Neuropsychiatric researchers rethink what depression might be</title><url>https://www.quantamagazine.org/the-cause-of-depression-is-probably-not-what-you-think-20230126/</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>citilife</author><text>I recommend people try to go to Church -- even if you&amp;#x27;re not exceptionally religious (you can even tell them that, I&amp;#x27;ve never seen anyone mind; though they may try to convince you).&lt;p&gt;It&amp;#x27;s an easy place to meet 30-40 people in a day, everyone there has different interests and comes from different walks of life. If you attend for a few weeks you&amp;#x27;ll often start attending lunch together, meeting out at some activities, etc. Plus, all you have to do is show up. People at a church tend to be outgoing, at least some of them are. Someone is bound to reach out to you if you sit there and drink a coffee.</text></item><item><author>com2kid</author><text>&amp;gt; but no matter how much I try I never seem to be able to cultivate any kind of lasting relationship with others.&lt;p&gt;I used to run a startup focused on this, here is what I learned:&lt;p&gt;Time. The answer is time. Research shows there are two ways long term bonds are formed, shared adversity[1], or lots of time spent together. General rule of thumb for relationship building:&lt;p&gt;1. 10 hours together is someone you know
2. 100 hours together is a good acquittance.
3. 1000 hours together is a good friend and a relationship that can now last a long time&lt;p&gt;This is why activities such as football watching (3*18, 54 hours a year, 2 years and you now have the beginnings of a good friends circle), or weekly poker matches (2 hours, almost 100 hours in a year) are so effective at building relationships.&lt;p&gt;Interpersonal hobbies with lots of down time, like rock climbing or playing in a band, accelerate this process greatly.&lt;p&gt;For people with kids, weekly play dates, or a weekly rotated dinner hosting.&lt;p&gt;Friendship is literally grinding hours, when we are young it is easy, studying and hanging out get those hours in, but when we get older, we have to be purposeful about it.&lt;p&gt;[1] Military boot camps are an example of this, so are the various culture wars. If you make people feel they are part of an oppressed group, preferably while isolating them from society at large, you will forms a cohesive group that acts together and one where everyone feels connected to each other. &amp;quot;Both sides&amp;quot; of the political spectrum do this, once you learn to spot it you start seeing it everywhere.</text></item><item><author>incognito_robot</author><text>It is uncanny how much this mimics my own experience.&lt;p&gt;Was bullied between ages 11-16. Grew a a social circle in high school, which started fragmenting once everyone went off to university. I rarely if ever see any of them anymore.&lt;p&gt;Before the bullying, I was aparently happy and excited for most things (according to siblings). After it I have always been the low energy serious guy.&lt;p&gt;20 years on I feel an intense need for human connection, but no matter how much I try I never seem to be able to cultivate any kind of lasting relationship with others.</text></item><item><author>likeabbas</author><text>There&amp;#x27;s no single cause and no single cure which is why it&amp;#x27;s so hard.&lt;p&gt;I moved cities at 10 years old, and was bullied and isolated during the entirety of Middle School. Ever since then, I&amp;#x27;ve always had negative and depressive thoughts lurking around. It&amp;#x27;s just my normal.&lt;p&gt;A psychiatrist helped me understand that those formative years are when your cortex is developing. The cortex learns through repetition, and during those years I was having constant sadness and suffering events. So, my emotional intelligence learned to be that way and that&amp;#x27;s why I&amp;#x27;ve suffered ever since.&lt;p&gt;If I&amp;#x27;m not pro active in thinking about being happy or doing active things, I default to being depressed. After almost 20 years, I&amp;#x27;m still suffering.&lt;p&gt;A side effect of being isolated during those years is my social skills have taken longer to develop. I didn&amp;#x27;t have a true batch of friends until college, but now I&amp;#x27;ve lost all of them.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>PuppyTailWags</author><text>I would offer some hesitations to offer Church without knowing too much about someone or without caveats. Lots of people have religious trauma from being sexually assaulted&amp;#x2F;abused by church members or religious leaders, being ostracized for being LGBTQ or even just not performing gender strongly enough, or from being autistic&amp;#x2F;ADHD&amp;#x2F;a weirdo. When religion is good, it&amp;#x27;s a great pin to community building and mutual aid. When religion is bad it&amp;#x27;s a nightmare.</text></comment>
<story><title>Neuropsychiatric researchers rethink what depression might be</title><url>https://www.quantamagazine.org/the-cause-of-depression-is-probably-not-what-you-think-20230126/</url></story><parent_chain><item><author>citilife</author><text>I recommend people try to go to Church -- even if you&amp;#x27;re not exceptionally religious (you can even tell them that, I&amp;#x27;ve never seen anyone mind; though they may try to convince you).&lt;p&gt;It&amp;#x27;s an easy place to meet 30-40 people in a day, everyone there has different interests and comes from different walks of life. If you attend for a few weeks you&amp;#x27;ll often start attending lunch together, meeting out at some activities, etc. Plus, all you have to do is show up. People at a church tend to be outgoing, at least some of them are. Someone is bound to reach out to you if you sit there and drink a coffee.</text></item><item><author>com2kid</author><text>&amp;gt; but no matter how much I try I never seem to be able to cultivate any kind of lasting relationship with others.&lt;p&gt;I used to run a startup focused on this, here is what I learned:&lt;p&gt;Time. The answer is time. Research shows there are two ways long term bonds are formed, shared adversity[1], or lots of time spent together. General rule of thumb for relationship building:&lt;p&gt;1. 10 hours together is someone you know
2. 100 hours together is a good acquittance.
3. 1000 hours together is a good friend and a relationship that can now last a long time&lt;p&gt;This is why activities such as football watching (3*18, 54 hours a year, 2 years and you now have the beginnings of a good friends circle), or weekly poker matches (2 hours, almost 100 hours in a year) are so effective at building relationships.&lt;p&gt;Interpersonal hobbies with lots of down time, like rock climbing or playing in a band, accelerate this process greatly.&lt;p&gt;For people with kids, weekly play dates, or a weekly rotated dinner hosting.&lt;p&gt;Friendship is literally grinding hours, when we are young it is easy, studying and hanging out get those hours in, but when we get older, we have to be purposeful about it.&lt;p&gt;[1] Military boot camps are an example of this, so are the various culture wars. If you make people feel they are part of an oppressed group, preferably while isolating them from society at large, you will forms a cohesive group that acts together and one where everyone feels connected to each other. &amp;quot;Both sides&amp;quot; of the political spectrum do this, once you learn to spot it you start seeing it everywhere.</text></item><item><author>incognito_robot</author><text>It is uncanny how much this mimics my own experience.&lt;p&gt;Was bullied between ages 11-16. Grew a a social circle in high school, which started fragmenting once everyone went off to university. I rarely if ever see any of them anymore.&lt;p&gt;Before the bullying, I was aparently happy and excited for most things (according to siblings). After it I have always been the low energy serious guy.&lt;p&gt;20 years on I feel an intense need for human connection, but no matter how much I try I never seem to be able to cultivate any kind of lasting relationship with others.</text></item><item><author>likeabbas</author><text>There&amp;#x27;s no single cause and no single cure which is why it&amp;#x27;s so hard.&lt;p&gt;I moved cities at 10 years old, and was bullied and isolated during the entirety of Middle School. Ever since then, I&amp;#x27;ve always had negative and depressive thoughts lurking around. It&amp;#x27;s just my normal.&lt;p&gt;A psychiatrist helped me understand that those formative years are when your cortex is developing. The cortex learns through repetition, and during those years I was having constant sadness and suffering events. So, my emotional intelligence learned to be that way and that&amp;#x27;s why I&amp;#x27;ve suffered ever since.&lt;p&gt;If I&amp;#x27;m not pro active in thinking about being happy or doing active things, I default to being depressed. After almost 20 years, I&amp;#x27;m still suffering.&lt;p&gt;A side effect of being isolated during those years is my social skills have taken longer to develop. I didn&amp;#x27;t have a true batch of friends until college, but now I&amp;#x27;ve lost all of them.</text></item></parent_chain><comment><author>boppo1</author><text>I have considered this, however I&amp;#x27;m agnostic asymptotically approaching atheist. It&amp;#x27;s not really important to me and I don&amp;#x27;t care to talk about it, but I really wouldn&amp;#x27;t want to lie about it.</text></comment>