the family is safe from the freak-outs, which range in subject from the dangers of mechanical devices to the threat of food poisoning, with special attention given to heat exhaustion, blood clots, and hems. On July 11, Gerald himself prompted his wife to flip out when he forgot to lock the empty house before running out for a newspaper, leaving the door wide open for anyone, in Kliebert's words, to "waltz off with whatever they could carry."


"Boy, oh, boy," Gerald said. "Mary really blew a gasket over that one."

Three days later, Kleibert went into another tizzy upon discovering that Gerald had failed to plan ahead for their nephew's wedding. Too late to request the day off from work, he called in sick with "the flu" in order toattend the event. As a result of her husband's failure to plan ahead, Kleibert nervously watched the door all night, fearful that someone from her husband's workplace would wander into the wedding reception by accident.


The most baffling of Kleibert's outbursts, family members said, are those involving her two eldest children, neither of whom still live at home. Without warning or provocation, Kleibert will fret loudly about Jason, 24, who "insists on flying everywhere" despite all the airplane accidents on the news, and 22-year-old Erin, who just wanders around from one job to another without getting enough protein.

Despite the preponderance of evidence suggesting otherwise, Tim said he maintains hope that when he leaves for college in August, his mother will acknowledge his adult status and not go batshit-loonball on