It's not fair to any of us."

Rebecca's words touch me deeply, but it's not easy turning off the swirling thoughts that continue to plague me. The state of my mental health is fragile at the present moment, and I tell her what I told my parents.

"It's easy for everyone to say accept and move on with my life, but until you've walked in my shoes, it's not an easy task, Rebecca. I know you understand because of Billy, but he is a child, and I am a man. It's different when you lay on a dirty floor with someone standing over you, spewing hateful things, and you are unable to defend yourself. My first thought was to protect my arm when in my head, I wanted to smashif you are honest with yourself. My first question is; How did you see yourself before the shooting. Who did you see when you looked in the mirror?"

I take a few minutes to think about this, and as I prepare my answer, it occurs to me that my perception of myself before the shooting is self-absorbed, but I must be honest, or this won't work.

"I saw myself as ambitious and a skilled surgeon. I am athletic, outgoing, and competitive. I like a lot of sports, and spending time with friends. I play basketball, tennis, and hockey. I worked hard and enjoyed my career."

"And how do you see yourself now?"

I don't have to think about this answer. "I see myself as weak, insecure, fearful, emasculated, resentful, and angry."

"What happened