of his daughter. Congratulations to the proud father.

Store security caught a suspected shoplifter who stated that she had been taking crack cocaine, but the woman insisted that the drugs were prescribed to her by a doctor. She then called her dog a "lying SOB" and said she was "aching for a breaking," according to an incident report. She will likely not call her dog to testify on her behalf.

A man was playing video games in his bedroom when he noticed a man in a white hat peeking through his half-closed bedroom door masturbating. The man asked if the stranger was there visiting his roommate, to which he replied, "No, I am here for you," before fleeing the building.

An intoxicated man was found banging on his ex-girlfriend's front doorlate one evening, yelling her name. The man told police that he wasn't allowed in because his "ex-girlfriend's sister does not like him." Maybe also because it was 2 a.m., he was drunk, and she is his ex-girlfriend.

A man was arrested after receiving several citations for drinking alcohol on the street. Listed among his belongings was a book titled Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse One Beer at a Time. Apparently, the undead are less likely to attack if your brain is pickled in hooch.

A night of drinking sent a man into an existential crisis. He was found screaming outside of a bar downtown, asking, "Why am I here?" He also promised officers that he would show them the "best flashlight" they had ever seen.

A surprisingly robust hospital