mention the opportunity to travel across the Beipanjiang River Railway Bridge, the highest of its kind in the world, before getting sozzled on maotaoi liquor, clambering into a barrel and floating over the magnificent Huangguoshu Waterfall, just to see what will happen next.

Should he decide to go to China, Lampard would be the third player in recent Chelsea history to make such a move, with Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka both having blazed a trail to Shanghai Shenhua in the not too distant past. Notoriously easygoing and low maintenance, both players seem to have found the experience hugely agreeable. Drogba is rumoured to have fallen out with the club over money and has been linked with a move to Liverpool, while Anelka is suffering from his usual ennuibreaching club discipline. The club say they are making no further comment, because recent events have certainly proven that pointing fingers, not giving specifics and hence promoting widespread internet guesswork hardly ever come back to bite anybody's backside.

Six Millwall football fans arrested after they unfurled an offensive banner aimed at Marvin Sordell, who was racially abused at the club last month, have all been released on bail. Police took the trouble to lock them up despite the fact all six presumably lacked the opposable thumbs necessary to open a door anyway.

And Andriy Shevchenko has been offered the position of Ukraine head coach. "I'm sure Shevchenko will also be able to conquer great football countries," said the President of the Football Federation of Ukraine, Anatoliy Konkov, who obviously never