supplicant and happy Irish people, begged the people of Drogheda to see sense and engage in a peaceful transition of power, the natives (who were drunk, naturally) barricaded themselves in and placed themselves under a voluntary siege and blockade, refusing to allow food into the town. Then to Cromwell’s horror, the people began running at speed towards the swords of Cromwell’s men, voluntarily impaling themselves on the swords and dying.

With their dying breaths locals could be heard saying “please take the town with our permission, you deserve it. Oh and please, if you want, murder about 40% of the Irish population”.

Saoirse Ronan

Irish actress.

The correct British version of events: leading light of British acting. As English as the Queen. Same as Hozier, Graham Norton, Sally Rooney, Shane Lowry, Conoris Ed Sheeran’s The Shape Of You.

The Penal Laws

An oppressive set of laws introduced by the British targeting Catholics, including banning Catholics from positions in public offices, exclusion from legal professions, no voting rights.

The correct British version of events: Catholics were treated to weekly bouncy castle parties with an endless supply of tea and crumpets. Ungrateful Irish (who were drunk, naturally) misremember the events entirely.

The Troubles

Catholics in Northern Ireland are oppressed, denied equals rights and treated as second class citizens. The British State, its army and police force colludes with Loyalist terrorist groups to murder innocent people as the IRA carry out a terrorist bombing campaign in Northern Ireland and Britain.

The correct British version of events: it was called The Brief Misunderstanding, not The Troubles and really it