said they would do the deed of darkness with the gnomic one. "There must be 866 blind Sun readers," the newsreader quipped. The gag went down like a cup of cold sick - the room convulsed with a collective cringe.

SOME OF the 700 journalists at the gathering felt that a Guardian story about fake TV (is there any other kind?) was tame compared with tabloid exposure of William Straw's flirtation with cannabis, and broadsheet disclosure of Murdoch's move on Manchester United. Voices were raised as unprecedented catcalls, booing and hissing erupted among angry hacks. Chanting began: "Off, off, off." The hapless Alan Rusbridger, editor of The Guardian, cowed visibly. Neil Wallis, editor of the Sunday People, stormed the stage, seized the microphone and ranted (no irony here) thatannoying for Lord Hollick, the Vampire of the Grey Lubyanka, a man reputedly on first-name terms with many of the banknotes in his wallet. Hollick must have been looking forward to seeing some return for the pounds 1,250 spent on the team's table. Sadly the three newspapers in the group could only muster one-and-a-half nominations between them - producing a net result of zero wins. So, it's back to the daily diet of Kennomeat chasseur for the luckless Lubyankians.

POSHOPOLIS FOOD critic AA Gill found himself confronted by a burly tabloid hack rounding up a posse to put the effete Guardian in its place. Gill, perhaps battle-weary from his last encounter with Robert Kilroy-Silk, enterprisingly impersonated a gutter-press photographer unjustly deprived of a win. "I'm well up for it,