after growing what are known as ‘retirement balls.’" --Amy Poehler

"President Bush met with the Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. Afterwards President Bush said 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, President Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job. Donald Rumsfeld [was the] right man for the job. Tom DeLay was the right man for the job. Which would be OK...if Bush was the right man for the job." ---Jay Leno

"NBC has announced that they will now refer to the Iraq war as a civil war. President Bush said no, no, no, no, no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time-Life books." --David Letterman

"The White House announced today that it was banning the saleof iPods to North Korea. President Bush said, "If North Korea is going to make nuclear weapons then we won't let them listen to Coldplay." --Conan O'Brien

"A Trainer at Sea World Adventure Park was hospitalized Thursday in San Diego after a killer whale grabbed him and twice held him underwater during a show. On the bright side, the trainer did give up the location of three al Qaeda hideouts." --Seth Myers

Entering the civilized world. On this date (Dec. 6) in 1865---89 years after we officially became the land of the free---the13th Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery. Did we mention that it was 89 years after we officially became the land of the free?

The beginning of the end of the beginning of the end. Amid much fanfare and maypole