I found my boyfriend talking to his ex-girlfriend
About a month ago, I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our son’s room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.
Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW
Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little.
Sekitar sebulan yang lalu, saya mengintip ponsel pacar saya dan menemukannya mengirim pesan kepada mantannya yang dia kencani sebelum saya. Dia memberikan cincin janji saat mereka bersama, dan dia masih menyimpannya di kotak memorinya di kamar putra kami. Saya menemukan banyak hal di ponselnya, tetapi hal itu yang paling menyakiti hati saya. Dia menghapus semua pesan kecuali dua. Saya tidak bisa berhenti berpikir bahwa mereka berbicara tentang masa lalu bersama atau sesuatu seperti itu. Itu benar-benar menghancurkan saya, dan saya tidak bisa berhenti memikirkannya.
Perasaan sakitmu sangat bisa dimengerti. Apakah kamu dan pacarmu memiliki kesepakatan tentang mengintip ponsel satu sama lain? Saya bertanya karena masalah secara keseluruhan terdengar seperti kurangnya kepercayaan dan mungkin ada perbedaan dalam apa yang masing-masing dari kalian inginkan dan harapkan dari hubungan kalian. Mungkin jika kalian berdua membicarakan topik ini dan kalian masing-masing menjadi jelas tentang status komitmen satu sama lain, kalian akan memiliki lebih banyak kejelasan tentang apa yang masing-masing dari kalian inginkan dari yang lain. Dengan tingkat kejelasan baru ini, keterlibatan masa lalunya kemungkinan akan lebih sedikit berarti. Begitu kalian memiliki definisi yang jelas tentang kalian berdua sebagai pasangan, siapa dia sebagai mantan pasangan untuk orang lain, akan sangat sedikit berarti.