It all started when Will.i.am got a microphone; it got worse when Ryan Seacrest told a joke. Tiger Woods' yacht docks, Charlize Theron gets a divorce, Mary J. Blige throws a tantrum. Monday gossip roundup, at your service. 
 
 Sony exec Clive Davis hosted a horrifically awkward Grammy's party. First, Will.i.am warmed the crowd by promising to stay in biz even as it collapsed: "There ain't no Tower Records, ain't no Sam Goody, but I don't give a [bleep]." Which is awkward because those companies still exist. Then Will.i.am yelled at everyone for being boring: "These are the elite motherfuckers of the music industry, but y'all are acting like some motherfuckers!" Then Mary J. Blige yelled at the band for messing up No More Drama and Ryan Seacrest made a toast about Clive having big ears but "not a single thing he said got a laugh." Gerard Butler flirted with everyone except his date, Sadifer Aniston. And we haven't even gotten to whether anyone asked Rihanna inappropriate questions about last year. [P6] [Gatecrasher] 
 
 BREAKING. Tiger Woods' yacht—the ever-amusingly named Privacy—came to port yesterday at Old Port Cove in North Palm Beach. TMZ has pictures and a witness who "saw the yacht being loaded with food and supplies." If Tiger's in sex rehab, then who is on the yacht? Elin? Jamie Jungers? Or maybe fake-Tiger was real and real-Tiger isn't in rehab at all? Tiger Woods' publicist should write mystery novels. [TMZ] 
 
 Rob Schneider appeared to get married last night, but his publicist denies it. TMZ is going with "walks like a duck." I'm going with sex rehab in a diamond-studded yacht. [TMZ] 
 
 Speaking of nuptials: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are engaged. Dax popped the question over the holidays, and Kristen debuted her ring on the Grammy's red carpet. [Us] 
 
 Speaking of divorce: (implied in every Hollywood marriage conversation) Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend are no more. A ring rang in this news as well: "Close friends" knew trouble was brewing when Charlize stopped wearing the "antique 'commitment ring'" Stuart gave her. [DailyMail] 
 
 The movie version of Nicholas Sparks' Dear John has a happier ending, due to an "added scene" that leaves "more possibility of what might happen." Just like Bambi. Mama deer was just lying down for a nap. [P6] 
 
 Upcoming Haiti benefits: BET's telecast will star Diddy, Queen Latifah, Pharrell, and Wyclef Jean. Then, an NFL super agent will raise funds for Wyclef's charity, via a party featuring Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian, Donovan McNabb, and Nelly. Doubts about Wyclef's charity's efficacy will be taken in stride and summarily ignored. [P6] 
 
 Michael Jackson kids Prince Michael and Paris have made it known that they want to be part of the new We Are the World recording, to benefit Haiti. The recording is happening today. Unclear whether the Jacko heirs will get their wish, though it's hard to imagine anyone saying no. [NBN] 
 
 Elton John saved Donatella Versace's life: Unauthorized biography House of Versace says Donatella's daughter Allegra's eighteenth birthday party was but an elaborate ruse for Elton to stage an intervention and ship Donatella off to rehab in Arizona. Which is great for Donatella, but what about Allegra? Thanks for nothing, Uncle Elton. That party sucked. [Gatecrasher] ||||| CHRIS BROWN has an unhappy lady on his hands — and it’s not his girlfriend. A source close to Rihanna tells us the danger-loving Barbadian beauty is “pissed” at her ex for continuing to date 23-year-old petite model Karrueche Tran. The source says Rihanna, 24, doesn’t necessarily want to get back together with Brown, she just doesn’t want him dating Tran. “It’s infuriating RiRi that he’s still with her,” says the insider. A second source concurs, adding that Brown, 23, never told Rihanna “or anyone else” he would split from his girlfriend. Rihanna’s spokeswoman replied with what currently ranks as our No. 7 most-favorite smart-a-- publicist response of the year: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” Perhaps if her clients weren’t so shallow, she might not be so bored. 
 
 GOOD THINGS HAPPEN to Miley Cyrus when she shows off her banging bod. A source in the Sunshine State says the newly engaged 19-year-old checked into the Delano in South Beach on Monday to work on her upcoming album. Instead of hitting the studio, however, Cyrus slipped into a Giejo bikini and hit the pool with longtime pal Cheyne Thomas, who was in the entourage that checked in with the former Disney star. Our source says Giejo designer Gabrielle Sabharwal also happened to be at the Delano, finalizing plans for the Miami Swim Week debut this month. She spotted Cyrus and sent more bikinis up to her suite for backup. Cyrus’ fiancé, actor Liam Hemsworth is not in Miami, but our source says Miley just saw him in New Orleans, where he’s shooting “Empire State.” 
 
 BIG ANG RAIOLA is getting a big head. The “Mob Wives” star swanned into the Old Homestead Steakhouse on Friday and didn’t exactly enchant the wait staff. A spy overheard staffers at the venerable Meatpacking District eatery complaining that Raiola was more than 90 minutes late for her reservation and that her handlers insisted no one could be seated at the tables surrounding her perch on the second floor of the eatery. We also hear her beefy bodyguards blocked fans from taking pictures and even kept the wait staff at bay, gruffly telling them they would be summoned when Raiola was ready to order. Our insider adds that the reality star had a camera crew shooting for her VH1 spinoff, “Big Ang,” and lived up to her name by ordering the steakhouse’s signature porterhouse for two. An Old Homestead rep denied our story. “Big Ang was no problem at all,” he insisted, adding, “You would have thought Jagger or McCartney walked in. The place went crazy.” 
 
 CONNOR CRUISE entertained a much younger demographic on Tuesday night than he usually does. The 17-year-old deejay was on hand to see the Friars Club present his dad, Tom Cruise, with the Entertainment Icon Award at the Waldorf-Astoria, and did double-duty as a baby-sitter for stepsister Suri. A source at the ceremony tells us Papa Cruise brought 5-year-old Suri as his date, but relied on Connor to keep the kid entertained with “with toys and books,” including one favorite, “Hello Kitty.” Our insider says Suri was well behaved, but did “negotiate” with dad to get some of the Godiva chocolates placed at each table setting. (Godiva sponsored the event.) We hear Tom let her indulge “only after she ate her dinner.” 
 
 MIRI BEN-ARI will pick up an award and put on a show at the Big Vision Awards at SoHo hotspot W.i.P. on Thursday. R&B legend Roberta Flack will present the Grammy-winning Israeli violinist and producer with one of the awards, which celebrate “big thinkers who have found success by creating their own paths.” The “Hip Hop Violinist,” as the beautiful Ben-Ari is known, also will perform at the soiree, which will be presented by Big Vision Empty Wallet. National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences exec director Jacqueline Gonzalez, Oscar-nominated filmmaker Whit Stillman, Broadway producer Ken Davenport and radio host Matt Pinfield also will be honored. 
 
 Contact Gatecrasher: 
 
 Frank DiGiacomo: fdigiacomo@nydailynews.com 
 
 Carson Griffith: cgriffith@nydailynews.com 
 
 Adam Caparell: acaparell@nydailynews.com 
 
 Follow us on Twitter: @NYDNGatecrasher
– Rihanna and Drake have long been an item, but, as TMZ puts it, they were just "casually hooking up"—until now. Sources say they're now an exclusive couple, and that Rihanna is spending all her free time with Drake because he treats her so well. Currently, they're spending every night together in Europe as Drake tours; the rapper is said to be "in the best mood he's been in a long time." In other celebrity romance news: Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger is engaged to racecar driver Lewis Hamilton, according to the Daily Star. She had previously turned him down three times. Mötley Crüe bassist Nikki Sixx wed longtime girlfriend Courtney Bingham yesterday in LA, People reports. And Jamie Lynn Spears married James Watson on Friday in New Orleans, E! reports.