Hoping to draw in customers, several restaurants and bars in the U.S. are holding weekly "goldfish races"—events during which patrons armed with bottles or water guns squirt goldfish down the length of plastic gutters. Making matters worse are reports that drunken patrons have impaled some fish with cocktail straws and have swallowed others alive. We've asked these establishments to replace the cruel events with alternatives, to no avail. We need your help now! 
 
 
 
 Fish are complex beings who have personalities, communicate with each other, form bonds, and even grieve when family members and companions die. Being handled and subjected to loud noises and bright lights is a terrifying ordeal for such tiny, defenseless animals who have no opportunity to escape and who are viewed by the bar managers as expendable commodities. 
 
 
 
 Please join us in urging the following establishments to cancel these weekly events and replace them with activities that do not cause harm. 
 
 
 
 Send polite comments to: 
 
 
 
 Schulyer Holes 
 
 Co-owner 
 
 Woodsky's 
 
 Seattle, Washington 
 
 206-547-9662 
 
 
 
 The Fillin Station Grille 
 
 Southaven, Mississippi 
 
 662-510-5423 
 
 http://www.fillinstationgrille.com/contact-us.html (e-mail form) 
 
 
 
 Kristie Gadino 
 
 Manager 
 
 Sol Cantina 
 
 Kansas City, Missouri 
 
 816-931-8080 
 
 manager@solcantina.com ||||| Fish — one of nature's most fragile, and litigious, pets. 
 
 When Michelle and Robert Duchouquette, of Plano, Texas went away on vacation last year, the couple left their two dogs and Betta fish, Gordy, in the hands of Prestigious Pets. After returning from their vacation, the couple noticed that Gordy's bowl was cloudy — a consequence of overfeeding. So the Duchouquettes posted a negative review on Yelp — and Prestigious Pets countered with a friendly $1 million lawsuit. 
 
 Seems entirely reasonable. 
 
 The company claims that the couple had signed a contract agreeing "not to make negative comments about Prestigious Pets and to not disparage Prestigious Pets." According to the lawsuit, the Duchouquette's allegations went beyond a simple one star Yelp review and included a variety of written and broadcast mediums, including Facebook, ABC, and NBC. 
 
 As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, grab your popcorn, reader — there's more. 
 
 Prestigious Pets argues that as a result of the Duchouquettes supposed defamation, the company has received "numerous rape and death threats . . . in addition to other forms of harassment such as identify theft, impersonations, can calls, etc." 
 
 All of this originating, of course, in a one star Yelp review accusing the company of overfeeding a fish named "Gordy" (Sorry, but with a name like "Gordy," he's meant to be overfed). 
 
 Image: yelp 
 
 The couple's lawyer, Paul Levy, claims that the couple's allegation was truthful. Furthermore, the couple had a right to post negative reviews under the First Amendment, regardless of what their contract says. 
 
 In one of the most painful defenses of all time, Levy writes: 
 
 "There are photos showing that the fish water became cloudy and that food accumulated at the bottom of the tank, which must have been caused by overfeeding, and apparently overfeeding is a serious issue for this kind of tropical fish." 
 
 Please remember that — regardless of how you feel about first amendment rights — this is a Betta fish we're talking about. Bettas currently retail for $4.59 on PetSmart, and they die all the time. The Duchouquettes were able to monitor their fish's health because they keep a camera on the fish's bowl. 
 
 Repeat: a camera on their bowl. 
 
 Levy filed the defense on Thursday. Gordy the fish was not available for comment. 
 
 [h/t Ars Technica]
– A Seattle bar has ended its weekly goldfish races after PETA unleashed its fury—but other hangouts “are saying screw you to the PETA folks,” says the bar owner halting the practice. What, you ask, is a goldfish race? It means plopping fish into plastic tubes of water, then propelling them to the finish line by blowing in a straw or firing a water pistol, reports Seattle Weekly. “We'd use the little 10-cent feeder fish that would normally be fed to pets,” said the owner. “It was really, really popular. But we started getting all kinds of calls and e-mails from PETA people. It got to the point where Tuesday nights I'd get 60 or 70 emails.” For its part, PETA complains that patrons think it's funny to impale the fish with cocktail straws or swallow them alive.