No one is expecting Oscar-level material here, but ‘Baywatch’ can’t rescue itself from a puddle 
 
 Ilfenesh Hadera and Dwayne Johnson star in the action drama “Baywatch.” Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario and Priyanka Chopra also star. (Photo: Paramount) 
 
 “Baywatch” was only ever about red swimsuits and slow motion shots of lifeguards running on the beach. Somehow that was enough to sustain 11 seasons of television. But it’s not enough to carry two hours on the big screen. 
 
 The rebooted, R-rated “Baywatch” wants to wink at the cheesy series while also delivering the very things that made it a worldwide hit in the 1990s — and for awhile, it works. Then the fun deflates like a beach ball with a hole in it, and viewers are stuck asking, “Well, it’s ‘Baywatch,’ what did you expect?’ ” 
 
 The simple expectation is a project that can poke fun at its source material, but use it as a base to deliver something fresh, like “21 Jumpstreet” with suntan lotion. The reality is a little more stale. “Baywatch” wants to be smart-dumb, but winds up being dumb-dumb, a great beach body with nothing inside its brain. 
 
 Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as Mitch Buchannon, the head lifeguard at Baywatch, who treats his post at the local beach as a cross between a sheriff, a community leader and an ambassador for his stretch of sand. He and his team — which includes Kelly Rohrbach as C.J. Parker and Ilfenesh Hadera as Stephanie Holden — are “the elite of the elite,” as Mitch explains, and does so with a straight face and courage in his conviction. 
 
 The crew holds tryouts for new members and attracts Matt Brody (Zac Efron), a washed-up, self-absorbed former Olympian turned national disgrace (think Ryan Lochte), as well as strong-willed surfer type Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) and schlubby comic relief Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass). Greenbaum, who comes off like a grating, seventh rate Josh Gad, is seen failing miserably at the tasks required of him during his tryout, but makes the squad anyway. Elite of the elite! 
 
 Still, for awhile — say, the first 30 minutes or so — “Baywatch” strides along with confidence. The Rock and Efron have a playful chemistry, with Mitch chiding Matt for his teen magazine good looks (he calls him a long list of boy-band names) and the two going after each other for the size of their respective muscles. (Efron somehow looks more ripped than the Rock, no small feat of body engineering.) 
 
 And the movie has some fun acknowledging the legal authority (or lack thereof) of a team of lifeguards, who act like CSI agents on their stretch of the beach rather than hired hands who save kids from drowning. 
 
 Then an actual plot kicks in, one involving drugs on the beach, corruption among local politicians and shady business dealings, and it’s like sand getting kicked in your face. Director Seth Gordon (“Horrible Bosses”), working from a script credited to six contributors, winds up in a trap of making “Baywatch” about something more than “Baywatch.” You want to blow your whistle, strap one of those buoys to your body and rescue the movie as you see it drowning. 
 
 Another bummer: The surprise of the film’s cameos from original “Baywatch” cast members are undercut when their names are listed in the opening credits. 
 
 So what you’ve got is some basic R-rated humor, a few funnies, some tanned, toned bodies and a half-baked plot — nothing more, but maybe a little less. It’s “Baywatch.” What did you expect? 
 
 agraham@detroitnews.com 
 
 (313) 222-2284 
 
 @grahamorama 
 
 ‘Baywatch’ 
 
 GRADE: C- 
 
 Rated R for language throughout, crude sexual content, and graphic nudity 
 
 Running time: 119 minutes 
 
 Read or Share this story: http://detne.ws/2qTN8AG ||||| (CNN) A "Baywatch" movie needn't be high art -- its TV inspiration certainly wasn't -- but did it have to be this inane? Crude and silly, searching for the laughs in this R-rated comedy is the equivalent of scouring the beach with a metal detector looking for lost items. 
 
 When the credits finally roll, they include outtakes in which the actors flub lines, and, tellingly, even those aren't particularly funny. 
 
 Granted, with its leering camerawork and absurd crises, the series that thrived in syndication was practically self-parody at its height. Yet one would think that director Seth Gordon and a team of writers could at least have more fun riffing on its quirks, which they try to do with jokes about women looking as if they're running in slow-motion and the fact these lifeguards behave like cops, even though they're not. 
 
 For the most part, the movie has been shaped into a kind of buddy comedy, one seemingly designed to put the appeal of Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron to the test. The only consistent gag, in fact, has Johnson insulting Efron with various teen-heartthrob nicknames ("One Direction," "High School Musical"), and even those begin to hit the low-tide point well before it's over. 
 
 Johnson plays Mitch Buchanan, Emerald Bay's head, who is forced to hire Efron's Matt Brody, a disgraced Olympic gold medalist being brought aboard as a PR stunt. Beyond saving drowning kids, they're dragged into a nefarious plot involving a wealthy club owner ("Quantico's" Priyanka Chopra) who is importing drugs using her beachfront establishment as a front. 
 
 Read More ||||| 3.5 stars (out of 4) Check your nerves at the theater door. Take a deep breath while you still can. And then calmly apologize in advance to the person sitting next to you for jumping out of your seat and clutching a stray hand for dear life. 
 
 There. Now you’re ready to partake in some terrifying fun. 
 
 Producer J.J. Abrams is trumpeting his latest Bad Robot project as a sort-of sibling to 2008’s creepy found-footage hit Cloverfield. But this pic is more of a blood relative to the claustrophobic thrills and dark humor of the 1990 classic Misery. And no, you don’t have to be familiar with the mothership movie to fully understand — and appreciate — this sharp and tightly wound winner. 
 
 The scares start before a single line of dialogue is uttered. With ominous music taunting us in the background, we see a twenty-something girl (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) flitting around in an empty apartment. She walks out in a huff, leaving a diamond ring on a table. While driving on a desolate highway, her boyfriend, Ben, calls her on the iPhone and pleads forgiveness. (Check the closing credits to ID the A-lister who supplies Ben's voice). And then … boom. 
 
 This was a highly clandestine production for a reason: Part of the beauty of the film is that you don’t know what the heck is going on, and you don’t want to know. So plot details shall be kept to a minimum. 
 
 These are just the necessary basics: 
 
 — The girl is named Michelle. She wakes up and finds herself handcuffed to a bed in a cellar, which is part of a large, tricked-out underground bunker. It looks strikingly similar to Desmond's hatch in Lost. (Hey, let's pretend that Abrams, a Lost cocreator, is giving a subtle wink to all the show's fans!). Anyway, Michelle wants out. 
 
 — Her gruff caretaker, Howard (John Goodman), is a self-professed survivalist. He explains to Michelle that she can’t leave because the country is “under attack,” and the air is polluted. She needs to stay in the enclosed space for one year. Minimum. 
 
 — Another person, a good-natured dude named Emmett (John Gallagher Jr.), is also staying on the premises. He claims he is there of his own free will. 
 
 As the suspense heightens, the dynamic between the three characters in these ultraconfining surroundings constantly changes. At any given moment, Howard could either be a trustworthy father figure or a deeply disturbed kook. He adores his '60s ditties on the jukebox, which is endearing. He has a thing for Pretty in Pink too. Duckie! Blane! How sinister can he be? Then again, he also has a shotgun and a short-fused temper. Never mind. He’s a lunatic. Right? 
 
 What an inspired choice to cast Goodman as the man in charge. Though not a traditional leading man, the underrated actor has crafted a career by playing a relatable everyman. He has been a good guy (Roseanne, Argo), a loveable goof (The Flinstones), a bully (Revenge of the Nerds) and honed his comic skills hosting Saturday Night Live roughly 33 times. There’s a comfort in seeing him on screen, even when he’s biting off the ear of a goon in The Big Lebowski. We want to believe he’s being honest with Michelle when he laments the loss of his daughter. But only a fool would underestimate him. And Winstead — in a breakthrough performance — does not play scrappy, quick-thinking Michelle as a fool. 
 
 (Winstead's mental strength is a key cog in the triangle. Nobody wants to root for an idiotic damsel-in-distress). 
 
 It bears repeating: Don’t try to outguess the narrative. And, for the love of Google, don’t scour the web for third-act spoilers. Just exult in knowing that an old-fashioned scary movie can still make you squirm, laugh and gasp for air. 
 
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 B 
 
 Review in a Hurry: A cast of familiar faces dives headfirst into waters infested with prehistoric predators and screaming coeds. And it's Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames to the rescue in this low-tech drive-in throwback, complete with corny jokes, unnecessary gore, stunt casting and plenty of skin. 
 
 The Bigger Picture: Set a resort town, Jake Forester (Vampire Diaries stud and Hollywood scion Steven McQueen) is ready for a boring day babysitting while his mom, the Sheriff, (Shue) is scheduled to keep a watchful eye over drunken spring breakers. 
 
 But a debauched Girls Gone Wild-type filmmaker (a manic Jerry O'Connell) who wants Jake to be a location scout, looking for the best beaches to shoot scantily clad hotties. 
 
 Decisions, decisions—babysitting or trolling for girls with daddy issues? But then Jake's crush Kelly (Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr) is boarding the Gone Wild ship so that settles that. 
 
 Meanwhile, geologist Novak (played by TV vet Adam Scott) discovers something worse than bad tequila shots: flesh-eating pre-historic piranhas! Awakened and very hungry! 
 
 Casting nearly every role with familiar faces of TV/film is the quickest way to forego time-wasting character development. If Ving Rhames is onscreen, he's gonna throw down with power tools a la Pulp Fiction. It's easy, and it kinda works. No one sees a film called Piranha 3D for dialogue. 
 
 But if they did, Christopher Lloyd is some sort of pre-historic fish expert who delivers lines like "This particular piranha vanished two million years ago!" with infectious glee. Doc Brown's still got it! 
 
 Alexandre Aja became a director-to-watch with the gripping French film High Tension, but his American films have been disappointments until now. He's got a brutal style, never shying away from heavy doses of sex and violence—sometime in the same scene. Taken seriously, his taste is pretty questionable, but with Piranha 3D he's found a tale that indulges his special brand of assaulting cinema. 
 
 Plus, a story about killer fish that feast on annoying beach-bound buffoons isn't going to offend anyone. Especially when one of those buffoons is Eli Roth—our favorite slasher-flick cameo player. Many familiar faces are gone in a blink...or a chomp. 
 
 The piranhas themselves are very CG-looking, but in a fun way. Their big red eyes and spiky teeth have an overly detailed feel that fits the campiness. 
 
 The gore factor tops even the Final Destination films, which strived to make each death more spectacular than the last. That's where Piranha 3D triumphs, the "Wow, can you believe they showed that?" world of splatter. 
 
 Some loose appendages are nearly pornographic. 
 
 Speaking of which, unless Funny or Die's "For Your Consideration" spoof campaign pays off, Playboy cover girl Kelly Brook won't be getting an Oscar. But as busty wild girl Danni, she should get some kind of award for a skinny-dipping scene with fellow pinup model Riley Steele. 
 
 The 180—a Second Opinion: It's called Piranha 3D, but this feels like another 2-D movie that was converted after the fact. (The opening credits are a dead giveaway titled just "Piranha.") Would true 3-D have added to the silliness? No doubt, but it's not so the premium ticket price is a bummer. 
 
 PHOTOS: Fall Movie Preview 2010
– Apparently Baywatch should have stayed off the big screen. Though audiences appear to mildly enjoy director Seth Gordon's big-screen revamp, giving it a 62% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, critics are drowning it in bad reviews for a 19% rating. Here's what they're saying: "A Baywatch movie needn't be high art—its TV inspiration certainly wasn't—but did it have to be this inane?" asks Brian Lowry at CNN. He claims you'd have about as much luck finding a lost item buried in sand as you would finding a laugh in this movie. As for those beach babes, they're "skimpy compensation to justify a water-logged trip back to the beach that, the Rock notwithstanding, sinks like a stone." It works for the first half-hour or so thanks to Zac Efron and Dwayne Johnson's "playful chemistry," but then it starts to drown. And sadly, "Baywatch can't rescue itself from a puddle," writes Adam Graham at Detroit News. It "wants to be smart-dumb, but winds up being dumb-dumb … a few funnies, some tanned, toned bodies and a half-baked plot." But then, this is Baywatch. "What did you expect?" Yes, it's "lightweight, a tiny bit crude and a trillion grains of sand away from anything approaching realism. But it's also a lot of fun," Stephanie Zacharek writes at Time. The jokes—which are, perhaps surprisingly, not made at the expense of female characters—are "plain dumb," but still generate a laugh, she writes. Plus, it's hard not to enjoy all the beautiful people. "You could do worse," Zacharek concludes. Bruce Demara wholeheartedly disagrees. This is a movie for "immature, socially maladjusted males." For everyone else, "even sand in your shorts would be less annoying," he writes at the Toronto Star. There's no true connection to the TV series, the plot is ridiculous, the scenes are too long, and the actors … well, Efron "is just plain bad," and even Johnson is "not particularly appealing," Demara writes. "Give this one a pass."