Ricky Gervais promised to offend Hollywood. He did not disappoint. 
 
 The actor-comic opened the 73rd annual Golden Globes by mocking Sean Penn, Caitlyn Jenner, Roman Polanski, Jennifer Lawrence, Jeffrey Tambor, Ben Affleck, and many more. 
 
 Here is a rundown of the bluntly sarcastic four-time host’s funniest and/or most offensive lines from the Beverly Hilton — including what Gervais said to Mel Gibson that was entirely bleeped by NBC: 
 
 — “You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum. I’m going to do this monologue and then go into hiding. Not even Sean Penn will find me … snitch.” 
 
 — “You’re global megastars with amazing talent. Most of you. Some of you just married well. You know who are you. We all do.” 
 
 — “It’s right that NBC should host this award show. They’re the only network that’s truly fair and impartial and that’s because they’re the only network with zero nominations. So … nothing in it for ‘em tonight. They don’t care, obviously.” 
 
 — “I’m going to be nice tonight. I’ve changed — not as much as Bruce Jenner. Obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she’s had! She became a role model for trans-people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers. But you can’t have everything, can ya? Not at the same time.” 
 
 — “One publication said me hosting would mean some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from a chance of getting a Golden Globe — particularly if their film company has already paid for it.” 
 
 — “The excellent Spotlight has been nominated. Yeah. The Catholic Church are furious about the film as it it exposes that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it ‘the best date movie ever.’” 
 
 — “Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood. She received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, ‘How the hell can a 25-year-old live on $52 million?!’” 
 
 — “Of course woman should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I’d like to say now, I’m being paid exactly the same as [what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler received] last year. No, I know there were two of them, but it’s not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That’s their stupid fault. It’s funny because it’s true.” 
 
 — “The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed The Martian a comedy and even nominated it. And hence, Matt Damon is here tonight. So that worked a treat, didn’t it? To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels. But then again, so was Schindler’s List.“ 
 
 — “All-female remakes are the big thing. There’s a female remake of Ghostbusters. There’s going to be a female remake of Ocean’s 11. And this is brilliant for the studios because they get guaranteed box office results and they don’t have to spend too much money on the cast.” 
 
 — “The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press said if I say anything offensive, or crass, or resort to innuendo, he’s going to personally come out here and ‘pull me off.’ So that’s an offer I couldn’t refuse. Yes, yes, that is the level — an old man pulling me off. Again. At least Jeffrey Tambor did it in a dress.” 
 
 — “Remember if you do win tonight, no one cares about that award as much as you do. Don’t get emotional, it’s embarrassing. That award is, no offense, worthless. It’s a bit of metal some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you, okay? That’s all it is!” 
 
 — “I won three Golden Globes myself … one I keep by the bed to — it doesn’t matter why, it’s mine. I won it fair and square. It’s just the right shape and size, it’s nothing… yeah. To be clear: That was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes that I’ve won up my ass.” 
 
 — On introducing presenter Matt Damon: “He’s the only person Ben Affleck hasn’t been unfaithful to.” 
 
 — On introducing Eva Longoria and America Ferrera: “Two people who your future president, Donald Trump, can’t wait to deport.” 
 
 — On the films Joy and Trainwreck. “No, not the names of Charlie Sheen’s favorite hookers. The movies of these next two presenters.” 
 
 — On introducing Mel Gibson after his infamous takedown of the actor during the Globes in 2010: “I’m in the awkward position of having to introduce him again. Listen, I’m sure it’s embarrassing for both of us. I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blames…we know who Mel blames. Listen, I still feel a bit bad for it. Mel’s forgotten all about it apparently, that’s what drinking does. I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out. So: I’d rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby.” Then after Gibson came out on stage, Gervais asked him — and this was entirely bleeped by NBC: “What the f–k does ‘sugar t-ts’ even mean?’” 
 
 RELATED: Full Globes winners list 
 
 Before the ceremony, Gervais tweeted a shirtless photo of himself with a profane message warning that he would offend Hollywood on Sunday night. And on the red carpet before the telecast from the Beverly Hilton Hotel, Gervais confirmed to Matt Lauer that his Globes bosses gave him free reign: “They said I could say what I want — NBC and the Hollywood Foreign Press. I don’t think they know what that means. I won’t break any laws.” 
 
 RELATED: All the Red Carpet Arrivals from the 2016 Golden Globes 
 
 For more, here’s EW’s Golden Globes live blog, our red carpet photo gallery and the full list of winners. ||||| Poor Seth MacFarlane. Until Sunday night, hosting the Oscars must have seemed so easy. What did he have to do, really, to shine? Avoid inexplicable cross-dressing and increasingly slurred words à la James Franco, try not to pull a Ricky Gervais and openly offend half the nominees, and he'd be a hit. It's such an impossible task, hosting an awards show; the best you can hope for is not to bomb. 
 
 Then Tina Fey and Amy Poehler took the stage at this year's Golden Globes. Lovely, brilliant and utterly fearless, they made awards-show hosting an art form again, helming three hours of occasionally hilarious, occasionally emotional and surprisingly enjoyable TV. 
 
 The Golden Globes, man; who knew? 
 
 PHOTOS: Golden Globes 2013 red carpet 
 
 The show's opening dialogue had only one flaw — it had to end. Introducing the Globes as the only awards show in which "the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of TV," Poehler and Fey, both nominated for actress in a comedy or musical series, never stopped smiling even as they confused the acronym for the Hollywood Foreign Press Assn. with a disease and, within the first few minutes of the show, brought audible gasps from the audience by effectively ending the controversy regarding "Zero Dark Thirty." 
 
 "I haven't paid much attention," Poehler said, "but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron." 
 
 Poehler has the best deadpan in the business, wide-eyed and enthusiastic, responding only to the alternate universe occurring within her brain; Fey is a close second, somehow managing to project both oblivious security and hyper-alert insecurity with the same expression. "Anne Hathaway is here for her performance in 'Les Misérables,'" she said, adding that she "had not seen anyone as alone and abandoned since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars." 
 
 PHOTOS: Nominees & winners | Red carpet | Best & Worst 
 
 Fey also gave a shout-out to "Jennifer Lawrence, star of 'Silver Linings Playbook,' and Quentin Tarantino, the star of all my sexual nightmares," while Poehler announced that Meryl Streep, though nominated, was not present because "she has the flu. And I hear she's just fabulous in it." 
 
 Seriously, they could have done an hour set and everyone would have been happy. Not since Jimmy Fallon hosted the Emmys three years ago has an awards show been this much fun. 
 
 Not only did the quality of the hosting further legitimize an event that the entertainment media inevitably go out of their way to disparage even as they grant it Oscar-like coverage, Poehler and Fey proved once and for all that the choice of host really does matter. 
 
 PHOTOS: Highlights from the show 
 
 Beyond providing specific hilarity throughout the show, they infused the telecast with a sharp professionalism that made room for a surprise visit by former President Bill Clinton, a show-stoppingly hilarious set by presenters Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell (front-runners for next year's hosts) and a deeply felt but undeniably strange speech from Jodie Foster. 
 
 By deftly trodding the line between audacious and sarcastic, the hosts sustained an atmosphere that was both inclusive and sharply comedic, relying on their improv skills and longtime friendship to help the telecast live up to its reputation as the loosest and most revelatory of the awards shows. 
 
 Clinton's unprecedented appearance to introduce the clips of "Lincoln" (not to mention Steven Spielberg's undeniably smug little salute of welcome), a win by "new mum" singer Adele and the introduction of Foster's at times baffling speech by her much more lighthearted friend Robert Downey Jr. didn't hurt either, giving the show a "what next?" quality rare to the genre. 
 
 Golden Globes 2013: List | Best & Worst | Winners | Ballot | Show moments | Quote 
 
 So when Paul Rudd and Salma Hayek gamely endured a broken teleprompter, when Hathaway thanked Sally Field for providing a "Flying Nun" to "Norma Rae" career trajectory, when Jennifer Garner took time out from her role as presenter to thank the folks (George Clooney and Grant Heslov) that her husband, Ben Affleck, had just left out of his acceptance speech for directing "Argo," when Lena Dunham of HBO's "Girls," winning for actress in a comedy or musical, thanked her fellow nominees for helping her surivive middle school, the show did feel like a genuine industry party rather than an overly produced parade of mechanical self-indulgence (although there was inevitably some of that too). 
 
 Changing costumes and taking the stage after they both lost to Dunham, Fey hoisted her cocktail and said: "Congratulations, Lena Dunham, I'm so glad we were able to get you through middle school." Which would have been the best line of the night, had Poehler not decided to close the show by saying, "Thank you, good night and we're going home with Jodie Foster." 
 
 Beat that, McFarlane. 
 
 ALSO: 
 
 PHOTOS: Show highlights 
 
 
 
 PHOTOS: Best & Worst moments at the Globes 
 
 PHOTOS: Red carpet fashion at the Golden Globes 
 
 mary.mcnamara@latimes.com ||||| When Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globe awards in 2010 he said "It's OK folks, I won't be doing this again" on more than one occasion. His acerbic remarks stunned Hollywood stars more accustomed to flattery and pandering from awards hosts. 
 
 But Gervais did do it again. And the second year he hosted the ceremony the jokes were even more painful. The third time was tamer. Now, as Gervais is set to host once more, we round-up some of his best, funniest, and most offensive Golden Globes barbs. 
 
 2010 
 
 The Los Angeles elite had no idea what was about to hit them. “Looking at all the wonderful faces here today reminds me of the great work that’s been done this year… by cosmetic surgeons,” he said, opening to a smattering of embarrassed titters. 
 
 “I’ve had some work done, too. I’ve had a penis reduction. Just got the one now. And it is very tiny. But then so are my hands, so when I’m holding it it looks pretty big. ” 
 
 “Actors aren’t just loved here in Hollywood, they are loved the world over. You could be in the third world and get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it could make you feel a little bit better. You could be a little Asian child with no possessions and no money. But you could see a picture of Angelina Jolie and you’d think, ‘Mummy!’” 
 
 “This next category is a bit of a downer. It’s for writing. We all know writers get too much credit in Hollywood, when actors mention them. I don’t mean to keep going on about actors, but they’re the most important ones, OK? It’s not the words you say, it’s how good you look when you’re saying them.” 
 
 “I hope I haven’t offended anyone. It’s not my fault [points at his drink]. I like a drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson." 
 
 2011 
 
 It did not take Gervais long to provoke the A-list audience at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles. By the time he wound up his four-minute opening, he had managed to insult Johnny Depp, Charlie Sheen, Cher, all the stars of Sex and the City 2, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Hugh Hefner. 
 
 Bruce Willis appeared to be upset when he was later introduced as "Ashton Kutcher's dad", but still not content with his night's work, Gervais went on to insult Robert Downey Jr and Tim Allen. Downey Jr summed up the feeling in the auditorium. After the wisecracking host suggested the actor was best known for his time in prison and rehabilitation centres, the Iron Man star said: "Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far." 
 
 "It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking – or as Charlie Sheen calls it: breakfast." 
 
 Golden Globes - Leonardo Di Caprio receives standing ovation 
 
 "Everything this year was three-dimensional, except the characters in The Tourist. I feel bad about that joke. I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't even seen that movie. Who has?" 
 
 “Also not nominated, I Love You Phillip Morris. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then. My lawyers helped with that joke.” 
 
 "Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That's nothing, I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in.” 
 
 "Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married at age 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When asked why she was marrying him, she said, 'He lied about his age. He told me he was 94'. Just don't look at it when you touch it." 
 
 2012 
 
 Despite having toned thing down considerably, he directed what some saw as a homophobic gag at Jodie Foster, the lesbian actress, who co-starred with Mel Gibson in the film The Beaver. “Jodie Foster’s Beaver,” he remarked, “I haven't seen it myself. I've spoken to a lot of guys here, they haven't seen it either”. 
 
 Later, he became involved in a minor dispute with Madonna, who won Best Original Song, after suggesting that the title of her famous song “Like A Virgin” is at odds with her colourful romantic life. The singer responded: “Ricky, if I am just like a virgin why don’t you come over here and do something about it?” 
 
 His final gift to broadcasters, who air the programme in primetime on America’s notoriously-sensitive public airwaves, was to swear while discussing the Spanish-speaking Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas. His comment (“I don't know because I can't understand a f**king word they're saying“) was bleeped out. ||||| Furthermore, the Golden Globes' governing body, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, has been a reliable source of cynical insider humor since the last night’s final presenter, Michael Douglas, was a toddler. The go-to joke about the HFPA used to be that nobody knew much about the group except that they were professional parasites who knew how to throw a party. Now both Hollywood insiders and showbiz-savvy viewers know exactly who's in the group -- a motley crew of 95 writers for overseas publications -- and the go-to joke has evolved into more or less what Robert DeNiro said while accepting his Cecil B. DeMille Award for career achievement last night: "The important thing is that we are all in this together: the people who make the movies, and the Press Association members who in turn pose for pictures with the movie stars." (The group was sued last week by its former publicist for running what amounted to a massive, ongoing payola scheme, selling nominations for bribes and giving lesser-known media outlets good spots on the red carpet in exchange for cash payments.) 
 
 Second, it’s not as though the Golden Globes ceremony had much dignity to lose. Stars attend and viewers watch not in spite of the event's junior-prom after-party atmosphere, but because of it. On the Oscars and Emmy broadcasts, it’s a big deal when people go off-script, act like fools, or bite the hands that feed them. On the Globes telecast, we expect such behavior and feel disappointed if we don’t get oodles of it. 
 
 First, gleeful needling has been that comic’s stock-in-trade for about two decades, and the awards show’s governing body, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, hired Gervais to host the broadcast in 2010 as well. Unless you're a complete dunderhead, you don’t invite a scorpion into your tent without expecting him to sting you, especially after inviting him in exactly one year earlier and getting stung 23 times in the face. 
 
 The telecast reminded me of the last 30 minutes of a Friar’s Club roast, when the facade of good-natured ribbing has disintegrated and you're left with the spectacle of sadomasochists whipping each other, only it was like that all the way through -- an orgy of hatred and self-hatred interrupted by flashes of warmth, pride, nostalgia and wit, like pretty much any other awards show telecast times 10. From the instant Gervais kicked things off with a description of Charlie Sheen’s thug high jinks (Bold humor! Risky, too!), to his mention of presenter Robert Downey Jr.'s past drug addiction and jail stint (Bolder still!), to the final zoom-out over Gervais exclaiming, "Thank you to God for making me an atheist!" (OK, actually bold) the show was awkward and sour -- and not just because Gervais was behind the podium, doing his patented Lovable Dick routine (but a tad more lazily than before, and with greater vanity; no more self-directed fat jokes for this slimmed-down clown). 
 
 At the same time, however, the show was sort of amazing, because it captured the mix of naive sentimentality and rancid cynicism that defines showbiz -- and the audience's relationship to showbiz. The 68th annual Globes proved, more vividly than the mostly staid and self-mythologizing Oscar and Emmy broadcasts, that there is, in fact, a Hollywood community, that its members truly do respect one another for all kinds of reasons, and that when you put a few hundred of its most popular and/or accomplished denizens in the same ballroom, there’s a chance that the tribal hierarchies will dissolve for a few hours and they’ll see each other not as enemies, obstacles or undeserving slugs, but as peers and inspirations. ("I can’t believe we’re sitting at a table with Al Pacino, either!" said Terence Winter, accepting the best dramatic series award for his HBO series "Boardwalk Empire.") 
 
 And yet this very same group will summon the self-doubt and self-loathing that’s also a part of entertainment and project it through your TV screen in waves -- the deep-rooted fear that maybe success is less about talent than who you know and who you’ve screwed, and whether you’re strong enough to endure rejection and lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time; that perhaps this industry really is as childish, shallow and sleazy as everybody says; and that the Golden Globes -- and perhaps by extension all showbiz awards -- are so corrupt and worthless that they deserve to be mocked and reviled by the likes of Gervais. (As Humphrey Bogart snarled at Peter Lorre in "The Maltese Falcon," "When you're slapped, you'll take it and like it!") 
 
 Robert Downey Jr. zapped Gervais with the wittiest of the night’s aggrieved counterattacks -- "Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with vaguely sinister undertones, I’d say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn’t you?" -- then introduced the nominees for best actress in a comedy or musical with a meandering riff about how he’s tried to sleep with all of them. (Nothing mean-spirited or vaguely sinister there.) The crowd applauded actress Melissa Leo’s award as best supporting drama actress for "The Fighter," then chortled like a bunch of second graders when she thanked the film’s director, David O. Russell, for casting her "after those few hours we spent in the Maritime Hotel." ("No, no, no, no, you don’t know what kind of girl I am!" Leo exclaimed. "It’s all work, man!") And would you say it's time for Gervais to drop the "I created the original English version of 'The Office,' and now these money-grubbing Americans are ruining it" shtick? Yes, I know, it's all in jest, and it was funny the first 4,378 times he did it, but it's started to wear a bit thin now -- and when he did it yet again while introducing the NBC version's outgoing star, Steve Carell, the actor's characteristic blank-slate deadpan cracked open to reveal what looked like actual resentment. ("Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha," said Carell. "It never gets old.") 
 
 It was the sort of evening where such driven, prideful perfectionists as David Fincher, Paul Giamatti, Jane Lynch and Katy Sagal could seem genuinely self-deprecating while accepting their awards (and in Lynch’s case, hilarious, too), and "Glee" co-writer and co-producer Ian Brennan (Lynch’s personal dialogue writer) could thank the underpaid public schoolteachers of America without seeming like a phony. And it was the sort of evening where Downey, Tom Hanks, Tim Allen and even HFPA boss Philip Berk could ream the host for being a vicious snot and hypocritical bully ("Next time you want me to help you qualify your movies, go to another guy," Berk snapped, after Gervais joked about lifting him off the toilet and putting in his false teeth) while the broadcast’s guest of honor, De Niro, could joke that the ongoing scandal had caused members of the group to be deported "along with most of the waiters ... and Javier Bardem." (None of Gervais’ jokes were bleeped, but something got cut out of the middle of De Niro’s speech, right around the point where he mentioned the titles of films that weren’t represented in his tribute reel; I’m guessing it was a joke about the corruption allegations that was censored for legal reasons, something along the lines of "Christ, maybe the check didn’t clear.") 
 
 The extremes of charm and rancor, affection and venom were all of a piece. There were no transcendently awesome moments along the lines of Ving Rhames giving his award to Jack Lemmon in 1998, but the mix of moods and attitudes was something to see. And the best bits of writing and delivery suggested that -- contrary to Gervais' rather disappointing example -- it is, in fact, possible to be sour and sweet at the same time. 
 
 Maybe Robert Downey Jr. should host next year, with De Niro as his sidekick.
– Sunday night marked Ricky Gervais' fourth time hosting the Golden Globes—more times than anyone else, even Tina Fey and Amy Poehler—and he's also been the most controversial. Why stars and show producers have always been nervous: Gervais isn't "afraid to throw shade," as Hollywood Life puts it (and a NSFW tweet he posted Sunday afternoon shows he wasn't exactly going in afraid to offend). So what came out of his mouth at this year's show? After showing up at the podium with a pint in hand and calling the audience a bunch of "disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum," Ricky Gervais confessed he wanted to go into hiding after doing the monologue and that "not even Sean Penn will find me. Snitch." He followed that up with a promise that he'd be nicer this time around, adding, "I've changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously." Gervais couldn't resist sneaking in some topical American humor. "Eva Longoria and America Ferrera aren't just beautiful, talented actresses," he noted. "They're also two people that your future president, Donald Trump, can't wait to deport." He stuck to his promise to "bite the hand that feeds me. "That award is, no offense, worthless," he told nominees. "It's a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you." Along those same lines, per Entertainment Weekly: "It's right that NBC should host this award show. They're the only network that's truly fair and impartial and that's because they're the only network with zero nominations." "He's been the only person Ben Affleck hasn't been unfaithful to," he said before calling Matt Damon to the stage, per the Telegraph. About women not getting paid as much as men in Hollywood: "I'm being paid exactly the same as [what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler received] last year. No, I know there were two of them, but it's not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That's their stupid fault." NBC bleeped out what Gervais said to Mel Gibson during their head-to-head, but EW says he noted: "What the f--k does 'sugar t-ts' even mean?"—a phrase Gibson reportedly used during a 2006 arrest. Here are the night's big winners.