The Real Edge of Glory Script
Do you have a drawer full of sharp knives, but prefer to cut your bread with a door stop?

I'm Anthony Sullivan, and this, is why I masturbate. It's the Edge of Glory, mankind's first step into space colonization.

Behold, a credit card. You can buy things with a credit card, I'm sure you knew that. But did you know that you could sell things with it as well?

Such as murder?

This device is so advanced, I'm shitting my pants. Here's the secret, it's the erect nipples.

This sad kiwi doesn't stand a chance, this orange is having a bad day. Fuck whatever food this is. I'm slicin' and dicin' this celery's whole family.

Oppsie, I grabbed the shitty knife. Edge of Glory can turn that shitty knife into a titty knife, giving you perfect slices.

It also has super suction.

I wouldn't shove this pineapple inside of my wiener hole if this was the last pineapple on earth.

Prior to the Edge of Glory's existence, you had to pay tomato prostitutes in cash. But now, you can force them to accept the credit card for sex, otherwise, they will face certain death.

Give a tomato a false sense of security, when it thinks it's safe, throw it on the fucking knife.
The Edge of Glory can fuck chef's knives, filet knives, paring knives, and peeling knives.

Stand back, I'm Anthony Sullivan. Do not try this at home. This is a knife on a grinder! How does that taste, bitch?

There we go, now let's see how it cuts. It can't even cut a fucking orange. But if we put it to the Edge of Glory, we can cut through the perception of time! An orange is not even an opponent for this Edge of Glory enhanced knife.

It's just too easy for an Edge or Glory knife, look at this brutality!

You could be paying around 160 dollars for a very small piano, or you could pay 10.99 and get your own Edge of Glory!

But wait, I can get even hornier! I'll throw in a three piece knife set!

Now I bet you're asking, 'Sully, what can I do with three knives?' The possibilities are endless you son of a bitch, you can cut, peel, dice, filet, fist yourself! It's a 20 dollar value that you're getting for free!

Control your body fluids, cause I'm doubling this fucking offer! That's right, the offer is doubled, go wild! That's 2 times the Edge of Glory, which means you can slaughter two times the number of pineapples! It's a huge offer for 10.99, asshole!

If this deal doesn't put you on the edge of your seat, you are on the edge of bullshit.