Worried Brown Eyes
She always signs her letters Worried Brown Eyes
The queen of every problem page at seventeen
Never a week goes by but Worried Brown Eyes
Is hanging out her heartachings in the ladies' weekly magazine

She has got a boyfriend, name of Dickie, who would like to go too far
You know what Dickies are
And she is asking is he honourable, or is he just a prancing Don Juan
But worst of all she fears, could she love a man
Who picks his ears?

She always signs her letters Worried Brown Eyes
She says she's got a little mole in a place where nobody's ever seen
And she asks is it unsightly, pretty Brown Eyes
Seeking advice on mole-control in the ladies' weekly magazine

Then of course, there's Dickie, desperate Dickie, who is growing very bold
His hands are so cold
Well now's your chance oh little Brown Eyes, to be passionate and rash and indiscreet
Body and soul, go on, give the lad a treat
Show him your mole
She always signs her letters Worried Brown Eyes
Revealing every secret of her shy hygiene
She'd like a bigger bosom, Worried Brown Eyes
Thrashing out her tummy bulge in the ladies' weekly magazine

Dickie's been molesting her and pestering her again, he tries his luck
He's running amok
Every letter's full of tricky Dickie, but this week I feel there's something new
He must have made his move, something must have happened
Her handwriting's improved

Oh spare some kind of prayer for Worried Brown Eyes
Queen of every problem page at seventeen
There's never a week goes by but Worried Brown Eyes
Is hanging out her desperations in the ladies' weekly magazine

Would she do it, could she do it, should she?
Opening up her heartachings so ill-advisedly
Brown Eyes that nobody's ever seen
With her Dickie-dido in the ladies' weekly magazine.