A Fistful of Paintballs
Title: A Fistful of Paintballs

[Opens on a dimly lit hallway, Neil is heard yelling, being followed by Mike and his gang. Neil runs to the door, but it is locked]

Neil: Guys, please, okay. I don't even have a gun. Isn't this against the rules?

Mike: There's only 1 rule, fat Neil: the prize goes to the last man standing.

[Annie falls down from the ceiling behind Mike]

Annie: So to speak.

[Mike and his gang whip around, but are too slow and Annie shoots them all with paintballs. Mike yells in anger]

Mike: If you were a dude, you'd have my fist up your balls.

[Mike and his gang throw their guns down and leave]

Neil: Thank you, Annie.

Annie: Kick their guns to me.
[Neil goes to reach for one]

Annie: Kick, don't reach. Hey [cocks pistol] Christina Ricci. I said, kick.

Neil: Annie, take it easy. You've gotta learn to trust people.

[Neil slides 2 of the guns slowly on the floor to Annie, but picks up the third one and starts to stand up]

Neil: Can't you leave me with a little somethin'? We're friends, Annie, remember? We played Dungeons and Dragons together.

Annie: That was a game.

[Annie turns around to walk away as Neil gets up to shoot her. Annie whips back around]

Annie: This is paintball.

[The intro to the episode plays]

[Annie jumps into the room through a window. She reloads her gun then opens a can of beans and cools it. She looks at the spoon and a flashback plays]

Dean: Okay, couple of announcements. I want to thank Pistol Patty's Cowboy Creamery for sponsoring our end of the year picnic! Now, free ice cream and that one guy having a heart attack aren't the only surprises today. We're going to end this year with a quick game of Paintball Assassin. Now last year's big mistake was way too valuable a prize and I've been assured that this year will be different. So, take it away Pistol Patty.

Pistol Patty: Howdy folks. There's only one rule: last man standing gets the prize. There's your guns and here's the prize: $100,000 cash. Go nuts!

[Pistol Patty blasts an air horn and Dean screams loudly. It returns to present time as a can from the outer perimeter wiggles. Annie looks toward the door and gets up. She grabs her pistol and walks towards the door. She turns around quickly to see Abed eating her can of beans]
Abed: I heard a rumor you never shoot an unarmed man.

Annie: Whoever started that rumor didn't eat my beans.

Abed: Then I guess it's lucky for me I'm not unarmed.

[Abed pulls his pistol out from under his pancho]

Abed: Seeing as I'm...eating your beans.

[They both put their guns away]

Abed: Jeff wants to see you.

Annie: Yeah? And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things.

Abed: It won't hurt to hear him out, would it? We've got a good hiding spot in the library. As safe as you are here, you'll be safer with us.

[Dramatic music plays as Chang and Jeff dive behind a desk]

Chang: Math club has gotten a lot better since last year.

Jeff: Obviously they were practicing while the rest of us were on dates.

Chang: Hold on, I have a plan. [to the math club] Math club!
Math student: Yeah?

Chang: I'm Asian. You guys Asian?

Math student: That's pretty racist, man.

Chang: That wasn't a no, I'm coming over! [Chang jumps over the desk] Don't shoot me, shoot him. He's white and he's out of ammo.

Jeff: Crap.

[The math club and Chang start walking toward Jeff. Just as they get close, Abed runs in and shoots two of the students quickly. One tries to get, but Abed shoots him in the back from a distance. Chang runs by Abed]

Chang: See you Abed. Watch your back [?].

Jeff: [to Abed] Shoot Chang! He defected to the math club!

Chang: Math rules!

Jeff: Ah, forget it. It's just a waste of ammo. Let's go grab their paint.

Abed: Cool.

[Jeff and Abed walk back into the library where Annie is waiting for them]

Annie: Yeah, I'm much safer with you guys.

Jeff: Milady.

Annie: What do you want, Jeff?

Jeff: Yikes. Well what do we all want? Ammo. How much you got left?

Annie: $100,000 worth.

Abed: Yeah, we're running low too.

Jeff: [to Abed] Shut up, Abed.

Abed: Okay.

Jeff: What have you heard about Pierce?

Annie: I hear he's still alive, holed up near the cafeteria.

Jeff: Well I hear he has more paint than a French kindergarten.

Annie: You proposing we join him?

Jeff: I'm proposing his ammo joins us.

Annie: You haven't changed.

Jeff: You think Pierce has? Annie, let's not rehash this, the guy's been a jerk all year.

Annie: He's a jerk because we exclude him.

Jeff: We exclude him because he's a jerk. And the last time I checked you were the last one feeling sorry about it.

[There's a flashback to Jeff dealing cards to everyone but Pierce as Pierce walks into the study room]

Annie: Guess I'm still waiting for you guys to come around.

Jeff: Likewise.

[Student runs down the hall screaming as he gets shot repeatedly]

Student: I am dead, yo. I'm dead!

[Annie, Jeff, and Abed look at each other. Spurs click together in the background]

Annie: Who wears spurs in paintball?

[Jeff unholsters his pistol as the Black Rider walks into the library twirling his pistols. He looks up slowly]

Jeff: Who the hell are you?

The Black Rider: The guy that's gonna win.

[Annie, Jeff, and Abed scatter as the Black Rider shoots his two shotguns at them and misses. They run down a hall as the Black rider reloads. They shut the door just as he shoots his shotgun]

Abed: Does that guy even go to this school? He's really good looking. Like network TV good looking. And did you see how big his guns were?

Jeff: Why don't you just marry him, Abed?

Abed: I'm just sayin', paintball is tough this year.

Britta: I agree.

[Britta walks down the stairs aiming her pistols at the three of them as they turn around and aim theirs at her]

Abed: Careful, Britta. You can't hit all 3 of us.

Shirley: She won't have to.

Shirley walks into the hall holding two pistols. [Troy pops up from the garbage can gagging]

Abed: Hey, Troy!

Troy: Abed!

Abed: I thought you were dead.

Troy: I thought you were dead.

Britta: Guys!

Troy: Oh, right. By the power invested in us as deputies, we now pronounce you arrested.

Jeff: Deputies? What are you, deputies of the stairwell?

Britta: Fort Hawthorne

Troy: There's a bounty on your head my friend.

[Shirley points to the Wanted poster behind Jeff]

Jeff: Pierce. My forehead's not that big, right?

[Britta shrugs]

Troy: It's not small.

[Troy, Britta, and Shirley lead Jeff, Annie, and Abed down through the kitchen to Pierce]

Jeff: So you guys just let Pierce boss you around in exchange for paint pellets?

Shirley: Actually, Jeff, he's been pretty decent in this game so far. He's created a safe zone where people can rest, eat, and if necessary pump their breast milk.

Annie: Well, that sounds very nice of him.

Britta: Beats standing around with empty guns waiting to get picked off by the Black Rider.

Annie: Are you talking about the handsome, blonde cowboy with the big guns? Is that guy a student? Who is he?

Troy: We just call him the Black Rider.

Annie: Okay, but he's not really riding anything...

Troy: Look, I don't name people, Annie. I'm a deputy. I deputize.

Star-Burns: You have to surrender your guns. And your drugs.

[The gang drops their guns into the container as they enter Fort Hawthorne. Inside Leonard is playing the piano. Pierce enters from his room]

Pierce: Ah, my study group. How long has it been?

Abed: 5 hours?

Pierce: Too long. Welcome, to Fort Hawthorne.

Annie: How is this even possible?

Pierce: It began with a dream, Annie. A dream and an impulse to hide in the men's room. I found that people were willing to roll bullets underneath the door just for the right to take a dump. By the way, for you guys, taking a dump's on the house. Or if you prefer, relax and catch a show.

[Pierce motions toward Vicki who is standing on a table dancing]

Jeff: This is insane.

Pierce: Don't worry, Jeff. I've also got someone more your speed.

[Pierce motions toward Garrett who is standing on a table dancing]

Leonard: Because you're gay.

Jeff: Alright, I think I've seen enough and I'd like my gun back now.

[The music stops and everyone raises their pistol toward Jeff]

Pierce: Only Hawthorne personnel can carry weapons inside, Jeffrey.

Jeff: Alright, you got us here, unarmed, at your mercy. What do you want?

Pierce: We'll discuss over dinner, you're famished. Tonight, we feast!

[The study group is sitting around the table eating Pierce's food]

Pierce: Ah, the Twinkies are wonderful tonight. Give us some space Miguel. What if I told you guys I know where to find enough ammo to end this cowardly hiding out. Split the price 7 ways.

Jeff: So send your goons to get it.

Pierce: Ah, they'd never bring it back. We trust each other, we're a study group.

Britta: That's pretty warm and fuzzy talk coming from you, Pierce.

Abed: Mmhmm, you've kinda acted like a villain this year.

Pierce: I have?

Britta: Duh-doy.

Troy: Yes.

Jeff: Well, a little bit.

Abed: You raped the Ducane family.

Annie: You guys, Pierce is reaching out.

Jeff: I'm not risking my butt hauling ammo back for the guy that has Vicki dancing for Twinkies.

Pierce: She's a dance major, Jeff. She loves Twinkies and if you ever took the time to get to know her...look, uh, summer starts tomorrow. For you guys it means, pool parties, dinners, one-night stands. For me it means counting down the days 'til next fall. Before we go, let me do this for you. Let me bring us victory.

[There's a flashback to everyone putting a card in the middle of the table. They're all black except for the Ace of hearts. Jeff looks over at Annie as Pierce enters the study room]

Jeff: Fine, let's do it.

Pierce: To the study group.

All: To the study group!

[Abed drinks his loudly]

Abed: More juice, Miguel.

[The gang enters a room lead by Abed]

Shirley: I hope we find this cache of ammunition soon, I need to pump.

Troy: Me too. You're talkin' about peeing right?

Shirley: No.

Troy: Me neither.

Jeff: Look, about Pierce, I feel bad. I shouldn't put so much effort into-

Annie: It's okay. I think...this study group is my family, you know, and if we start picking and choosing-

Jeff: Where do we stop? I get it. You're a good kid and I wanna do my part to help you stay that way.

[Jeff looks down at Annie and ruffles her hair. Annie smiles to herself]

Heather: Benjamin Chang. For your betrayal of the cheerleaders alliance, I sentence you to pretendsies death.

Chang: Guys, you don't have to do this. I betrayed the math club for you.

Heather: Ready?

Chang: Heather, I'm sorry I told Trisha about Amber.

Heather: Aim.

Annie: Fire.

[Annie shoots 5 of the cheerleaders as Jeff and Abed enter the room]

Jeff: Holy crap.

Heather: Not cool, bitch.

Annie: Yeah, so you told me at last year's tryouts.

[Annie shoots Heather. She screams]

Annie: Leave the guns.

Heather: Whatev.

[The cheerleaders drop their guns and walk away]

Chang: Who's there? Can I join you?

Jeff, Annie, and Abed: No!

Chang: Okay.

[Chang runs out of the room quickly as Annie tries to shoot him, but she's run out of ammo]

Annie: Damn, I'm out. [to Jeff] Give me your gun.

Jeff: Alright, be careful.

[Chang is running down the hall blindfolded]

Chang: Cheerleaders rule!

[Annie chases after him into another room. The Black Rider comes up behind her and cocks his pistol]

The Black Rider: I'll take that.

[He takes Annie's pistol]

Annie: Who are you?

The Black Rider: I'm the bad guy.

Annie: Stop trying to fluster me with your handsomeness. You're creepy.

The Black Rider: Then why's your chest getting all flushed?

Annie: It's a rash, I'm allergic to beans. Look, do you even go to school here?

The Black Rider: Sorry, I get paid to shoot paintballs honey, not the breeze.

Annie: *laughs* Lame.

The Black Rider: I'll hit you in the foot.

Annie: Thank you.

[The Black Rider goes to shoot Annie's foot, but Annie's gun is full of blanks]

The Black Rider: Good try, sugar.

[He tosses her gun aside and takes his out]

Jeff: Hey.

[The Black Rider grabs Annie hostage]

Abed: Hey.

[The Black Rider backs up while holding Annie as Abed and Jeff approach]

The Black Rider: [to Annie] I'll save you for last.

Annie: You won't get the chance.

[Annie elbows The Black Rider in the stomach and ducks down as Jeff and Abed begin shooting at him. He shoots back. Jeff shoots at him and he dodges in slow motion then leaves the room]

Jeff: [to Annie] You okay? I got a better look at him. He's not that good-looking.

Abed: Didn't he shoot you?

Annie: He tried.

Jeff: He's a bad shot too? Man what does he have going for him?

[Annie fires her gun at Jeff, it fires blanks]

Annie: Pierce loaded your gun with blanks.

[Troy, Britta, and Shirley enter the Dean's office. The Dean is groaning in the cabinet. Troy walks over and opens the door]

Dean: Don't shoot! Why does this keep happening?! [sighs] And what kind of ice cream company does this?!

Troy: Where's the paintball stuff from last year?

Dean: I hid it so the school doesn't get destroyed, again.

[Abed enters the room with Jeff and Annie]

Abed: Too late.

Dean: Oh, hi Jeff.

Jeff: We just ran into the Black Rider. Dean, if you want this game to end, we need fire power.

Dean: [sighs] In there. The key's in my shorts. [He leans toward Jeff] I can get it out I guess.

[Dean hands the keys to Troy who opens the closet to see tons and tons of paintballs]

Troy: Now this is more like it.

Jeff: Okay, Black Rider. Now let's see who's attractive.

Troy: Dude, you have a problem. [picking up a gun and laughing] Oh, nice!

[Annie takes the gun from Troy and starts walking away]

Jeff: [to Annie] Woah, where you going?

Annie: To have a conversation with Pierce.

Abed: She's pretty awesome today.

[Annie slowly moves the fridge to enter Fort Hawthorne, destroyed. Vicki is still dancing on the table]

Annie: [to Vicki] What happened?

Vicki: The Black Rider. He wiped out the whole fort.

Annie: Then why are you still here?

Vicki: I can't go back out there. This is the only life I know.

Pierce: Annie?

[He sticks his hand out of the bathroom waving a white flag]

Pierce: Is that you? Did you get the ammo?

Annie: Yup.

[Annie begins firing her gun all around Pierce]

Pierce: Hey! What are you doing?!

Annie: Why was Jeff's gun loaded with blanks?

Pierce: Was it?

[Annie shoots more paint at Pierce, chasing him out of Fort Hawthorne as he yells. Outside the rest of the study group is waiting for him]

Pierce: Come on now, hey. Oh, okay. I get it. So once again I'm the bad guy?

All: Yes.

Pierce: Well, he got to win last year. It's a game, Annie.

Annie: Fine, it's a game.

[She tosses her orange gun to Abed then slides her pistol to Pierce]

Annie: Let's play. Put it in your holster.

Pierce: Come on, Annie. You're my favorite, I don't want to beat you. It's just that I don't want Jeff to be the-

Annie: Put the gun in your holster and let's play the game.

Pierce: Right, so you can shoot me and play without me. That's this group's favorite thing.

Troy: We're always nice to you, Pierce.

Pierce: Wrong! Wrong. 3 days ago I walked in on you guys playing cards without me. 3 days ago.

Annie: We weren't playing cards, we were voting and you weren't invited because we were voting about you.

Pierce: What?

Annie: We were taking a vote on whether we'd invite you back to the group next year. Lucky for you it had to be unanimous. There was one hold out. One red card.

[There's a flashback of the study group at the table while Jeff pulls out the Ace of hearts and Pierce enters the room. Everyone looks at him awkwardly]

Annie: Pick it up.

[Pierce bends over and picks up the gun. They look at each other with their hands by their holsters. Dramatic music plays. Before anyone can shoot, spurs are heard approaching]

Jeff: Black Rider, it's Jeff Winger! I know you've heard of me by now.

Black Rider: No.

Jeff: He's lying. Look, if you're half the cool cowboy you pretend to be, you'll respect that we've got a situation playing out here and let us be until it's settled.

Black Rider: Sure thing.

[The Black Rider enters the cafeteria]

Black Rider: And once it's settled, I'm taking out everybody in this room. Starting with you, Mr. Insecure.

Jeff: You think you're good-looking, but you're not. You're average. You're just an average looking guy with a big chin.

[Dramatic music plays as Annie and Pierce stare at each other and the Black Rider and Jeff stare at each other. Pierce begins falling to the ground, faking a heart attack]

Black Rider: What's going on?

Britta: He's faking it.

Black Rider: No, something's wrong with him.

Shirley: No no no, it's fake.

Abed: Last week he did it to get out of letting me have a stick of gum.

Black Rider: He's old though, it could be real.

Pierce: It's real. It is [gurgles]

Troy: The gurgling's a nice touch.

Black Rider: You guys are terrible people.

Britta: Eh, we warned you.

[The Black Rider bends over to help Pierce]

Black Rider: Buddy, you alright, you want me to call 911?

[Pierce shoots the Black Rider]

Pierce: Sucker!

[Pierce takes a shotgun off his back]

Black Rider: Son of a bitch, seriously?

Britta: Yes.

Troy: Told you, dude.

Pierce: I'm the best!

Britta: You're the worst.

Pierce: I'm out of the group? You're out of mine. And I'm winning.

[Pierce backs up and leaves the cafeteria]

Annie: We've created a monster.

Jeff: Let's not give ourselves too much credit.

Black Rider: [on phone] I'm out. Some old guy pretended to have a heart attack, shot me in the gut. I don't care, that's your problem. [hangs up phone] This school sucks.

Annie: Well then why do you go here?

Black Rider: I wouldn't go to this toilet with my big sister's toe. I take a class online. I was paid to be here and win the game so my boss could keep his prize money.

Annie: You work for the ice cream company?

Black Rider: Sweetie, this thing is so much bigger than you could even imagine. I'm out of here, I've got Coldplay tickets.

Annie: Coldplay?

Black Rider: Too late bean allergy, you blew it.

[Outside Chang is still blindfolded and running around shouting]

Chang: Hello?! Anybody?! Does anyone have an alliance I could join?! I'm really loyal!

[The ice cream truck opens to reveal a paintball machine gun that shoots Chang repeatedly until he falls to the ground screaming]

Chang: Am I out?

[The back of the truck opens up and men in vests and masks step out holding paintball machine guns. Pistol Patty stands before them]

Pistol Patty: On your knees. No Greendale student can be allowed to win this game. Initiate Plan B: Operation Total Invasion.