Smores
I’m sorry I’m being so crazy. It’s weird. I mean, like, I grew up with, a bunch of, like, kids, and that’s basically how I learned all about, like, insane stuff, like all the crazy stuff we used to do, was like, that’s how we did it, and you know, I want to make people happy. And it’s hard to find that balance sometimes, because like, I know I’m gross. People laugh, but some people think it’s kind of gross, too. But I always try to make people happy. Like, when I was a kid, like, we had a bunch of kids come and we had my cousins coming over once, all… like eight cousins. They’re all coming and I wanted to do something, like, special for them, I wanted to do something really cool, so I used my allowance money, which took me a long time to get. I had like… I get like a dollar or two dollars, like, a week, so I saved $20 and I went to the store and I bought all the stuff to make s’mores. And I was like, oh, I’m gonna make s’mores with my cousins, it’s gonna be great. I was like, this is my money, I can do whatever I want with it. I’m an independent woman. So, like, I buy all that stuff and then, I like, take it home and all my cousins are there and I’m, like, handing out the stuff. But I bought two for me. Like, I was like, it’s my money, you know, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two for me, I’m the oldest, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two s’mores for me, everybody else can get one. It was just like, okay, cool. I hand out the s’more stuff, we’re all getting crazy and stuff, we’re really excited, and one of my cousins just looks at it, looks at me, and then he just goes… (squishing sound ) It’s not warmed up or anything, he just took all the ingredients and crushed them in his hand. He was just like… Just looking at it. All my other cousins were like, what the fuck is his problem? What is going on with him? He’s a weirdo. And he’s just like… whatever, so we make our s’mores, they’re really good, we’re making all our s’mores on the stove and we’re just, like, oh, this is so good, mm, mm, mm. And he’s just like… “I broke it, my s’more, I want a s’more.” And like, I was, like, “You messed up, “I’m sorry, dude, I don’t know what to do. You… I saw you do it.” And my mom was like, “Donald, give him the s’more.” And I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Just give him the extra s’more. He’s crying, give him the extra s’more.” And I was like, “No! No, no, he can’t have it, this is mine.” Just like, “Donald, don’t be selfish, give him the s’more.” I’m like, “No!” I was, like, crying. I was like, “No, please! This is my s’more, I did it with my own money!” She’s like, “Donald, you’re being selfish, this is your cousin, be nice to him, give him the s’more.” And I’m like… And I give him the s’more and he’s like… So, you know, I’ve been getting a little more famous lately. You know, I’m on TV and stuff like that, so a lot of relatives have been reaching out to me and stuff like that. So this cousin… I find him on Face… He contacts me on Facebook and he’s like, “Hey, man, what’s going on?” I’m like, “Oh, hey, how’s it going?” It’s like, oh, we catch up, we’re going back and forth. Like, “Oh, man, it’s so great.” “Oh cool, how you doing? I saw you on TV.” I’m like, “Oh, thanks, man, that’s really cool.” He’s like, “Man, you’re doing big things, that’s awesome, man, like, great.” “Thanks, man,” he’s like, “Yeah.” I’m like. “How are you?“ He’s like, “Yeah, man, I… “I got this girl pregnant, man. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” And the first thing that came to my head was… good. I’m glad. I’m glad you’re in a dilemma. ‘Cause you ate my s’more. I hope he comes out and he’s a giant s’more and you crush him in your hand, because that’s what you do to awesome stuff. That’s how fucked up I am. This guy’s having a serious dilemma, like a serious thing. This will… It’s gonna change his life forever either way and I’m like, good! That $2 s’more. Yes, success, revenge!