I Had A Friend
[Monologue]
Did you ever notice that some people don't think
Let alone act like other people?

Now you take Tarzan
Did you that Tarzan ain't even married to Jane?
Well he ain't
I can see that poor girl now, squintin' her eyes
And lookin' up some big tree, sayin':
"Tarzan, honey, let's get married this afternoon"
And I can see old Tarzan lookin' down at her, sayin':
"Jane, darlin', I'd love to, but me and Cheetah's busy
Bustin' up coconuts for supper"

Did you know Tarzan ain't never paid no income tax?
Well he ain't
I can see that poor girl now, sayin':
"Tarzan you'd better pay your income tax
Or they gon' come and get you"
And old Tarzan'd stand right up there in that tree and yell:
"Let 'em come, Jane darlin, me and Cheetah'll chuck 'em
With these here coconuts"
Did you know Tarzan ain't even been vaccinated for smallpox?
I can just hear Jane say it now:
"Tarzan, come on down here and get vaccinated for smallpox"
And old Tarzan'd say:
"Phooey on you, Jane"

Did you know Tarzan cain't read?
Well he cain't
I can just hear Jane sayin':
"Ha Ha Ha Tarzan you can't read"
And old Tarzan'd just stand right up there in that tree
With a big grin on his face and say:
"Hit her with a coconut, Cheetah"

[Verse 1]

I had a friend named Bill
He lived over there, on that big hill
I went to see him yesterday
Then I heard someone say:

[Chorus 1]

You're just in time to be too late
We shot Bill this mornin'
He read some books we didn't appreciate
So we shot Bill this mornin'
You missed the crowd, all filled with hate
We burned his house last night at eight
Ain't you sorry that you're late
We shot Bill this mornin'
[Verse 2]

I had a friend named Sam
Sam was a mighty man
I went to see him yesterday
Then I heard someone say:

[Chorus]

You're just in time to be too late
We hung Sam this mornin'
He had ideas he thought were great
We hung Sam this mornin'
He said all men should be free
But we know this can never be
So we hung him to a tree
We hung Sam this mornin'