The Maiden
Once upon a midday stinking from a night of heavy drinking,
Alcohol and body odour slinking out of every pore.
While I wavered, weak and weary, suddenly there came a cheery
Greeting from the maiden that I’d taken home the night before.

"Hi!" she blurted bright and breezy, "since you seem a little queasy,
Maybe you should join me for a gentle stroll across the moor?”
“No” I grumbled, craving slumber. “Just go home and leave your number.”
And with that I closed my eyes and tried to sleep a little more.

But with migraine manifesting, every bone and joint protesting,
Feeling like my mouth had been defiled by a dinosaur,
Lying there my thoughts were haunted by some nagging doubt or portent
That last night I’d done something I hadn’t ever done before.

And despite my grim condition, stymied by this intuition,
That I was forgetting some important point of fact or lore,
Drearily I lay prostrated, all my dreams of sleep frustrated
Certain that I wouldn’t rest until I’d gotten to its core.

So at last I rose, defeated, all my energies depleted,
And to my surprise I spied her there still waiting by the door.
“Here.” she said, and on a slip in elegant and cursive script she’d
Written down her number and above it was her name; Lenore.
Drunk and dazed I gazed upon her, rare and radiant beauty honoured
Every inch as if her skin were crafted from some precious ore.
But as I observed each feature of this fair and fragrant creature
Something struck me as amiss though what it was I wasn’t sure.

This I sat engaged in guessing, pieces slowly coalescing
As I tried to ascertain the source of my discomfiture.
So I asked her, “Maiden tell me, why is it you move so strangely?”
But instead of answering she scuffed her boot against the floor.

Thus although I’d long surveilled her, still I wasn’t sure what ailed her,
Only that it seemed within the realm of her posterior.
So I questioned more directly; “Are your panties on correctly?
Or is there some hemorrhoidal ointment that I might procure?”

Then her face grew pale and tightened, seeming somehow frail and frightened
As her eyes avoided mine and gazed about the drab decor.
“No” she said, “that’s not the issue, I just didn’t want to tell you
After what we did last night my bottom’s still a little sore.”

And these words so simply spoken, little more than cryptic token
Teased me like a riddle but I hesitated to explore.
For although I had a theory, I knew very well my query
Must be phrased more carefully than any phrase was phrased before.

Now in search of explication, wary of her indignation,
Cautiously I tried to find a clean and wholesome metaphor,
But before I had to try and speak of “roads less travelled by” she
Tearfully confessed as if her heart could bear the shame no more.
"Yes! Although it might upset you, yes!" she cried, "last night I let you
Raid my booty’s depths like some intestinal conquistador!”
“Please before you cast aspersions, try to temper your aversion
After all ‘twas mainly your enjoyment that I did it for.”

"Yes!" she cried with wild repentance, "yes!" she cried with every sentence,
“Yes last night we did it like the Sodomites in days of yore!
Though I’m certain you’re disgusted, now you’ve left my anus busted
Find it in your heart to see I’m more than just some anal whore!”

Much I marvelled at her mainly at the fact she spoke so plainly
But as well the strange inscrutable expression that she wore,
For the way her eyes were gleaming seemed to hold some hidden meaning
Though I was too overwhelmed to guess what relevance it bore.

So I sat in silence, speechless, as she analysed my features
Praying for a sign that in revulsion I would not withdraw.
Nervously she waited, hoping, as my mind was hunting, groping
Searching for the words by which I might express my shock and awe.

"Never" said I dazed and reeling "never" with my soul free-wheeling
“Never have I known such joyous feeling in my heart before!
Tell me by what hex or potion you evoke such deep emotion
Making other girls seem inexperienced and immature!”

"None" said I my soul unladen, "no-one black or white or asian
No-one neither whore nor maiden let me put it there before!
Graced with such vivacious beauty, blessed with that capacious booty
Sweet Lenore, I’m certain you’re the maiden I was destined for!”
Then I knelt on bended knee and asked her if she might agree to
Marry me and be my wife within the eyes of God and law.
“Fine” she said, “but my permission, rests upon one small condition.”
Which was not exactly the reaction I’d been hoping for.

"Darling," said she shyly smiling, "darling," and her eyes beguiling
Knew that I would grant whatever favour she would ask me for.
“Much as I enjoyed last night I just don’t feel it would be right
To wear a wedding dress of white unless my mind and flesh are pure.”

"Darling," said she hesitating, "darling," as I listened, waiting,
Praying that she wouldn’t ask for something I could not endure.
“Darling, please don’t take this badly, though of course I love you madly,
Till we’re wed I don’t think we should sleep together anymore.”

So it was my love was tested but the patience she’d requested
Would be well rewarded soon of this I felt completely sure,
And although my balls were blue I eagerly looked forward to a
Banquet of perversions as delightful as they were obscure.

Thus, although the time went slowly, finally the bless’d and holy
Day we were to marry came and not a moment premature.
Sweet Lenore and I were married, o’er the threshold she was carried
And from there the bedroom where a night of passion lay in store.

Throwing off my tails and top hat, sadly I was soon to find that
Still an obstacle remained between me and my paramour.
“Wait!” she said her features sour, “First you need to take a shower!
Honestly you smell like you’ve been wrestling with a Minotaur!”

Swift into the shower speeding, long I stood there soaping, cleaning
Hoping, dreaming dreams no husband ever dared to dream before.
But as I returned tumescent, freshly cleaned and effervescent
There I found her sound asleep despite my masculine allure.

Undeterred I tried to wake her, frantically I tried to shake her
But she merely turned her back and noisily began to snore.
Still I fought my indignation, tried to quiet my frustration
“‘Tis just tiredness,” I muttered, “only this and nothing more.”

But, alas, I was mistaken, every night I was forsaken,
Every night I tossed and turned and dreamed of what we’d done before.
Every night, my hopes frustrated, bitterly I masturbated
Till at last my longing grew too painful for me to ignore.

"Darling," said I meek and pleading, "darling," as she lay there reading
“Do you think tonight I might indulge myself at your back door?”
“Please, just let me put the tip in, please” I begged, my heartbeat skipping
“Tell me pray why suddenly you seem to find it such a chore”

Breathlessly I paused for answer, hoping there was still a chance her
Recent lack of passion wasn’t totally without a cure.
But despite my heartfelt candour, no response was given and her
Countenance was hard and cold as wintry ground before a thaw.

"Darling," said I barely breathing, "darling," sounding weak and wheezing
“Have I by some thought or action or some defect you abhor,
Made you deem me now unworthy? Tell me now my love I urge thee!
Tell me pray the deed by which your faith in me I might restore.”

Once again I paused and listened, trembling as my forehead glistened
Wond’ring whether it was best to be aggressive or demure.
Still she showed no sign she’d heard me, not a single look or word she
Simply kept on reading like some literary epicure.

"Darling," said I lost with needing, "darling," now with hope receding
Searching for a word or turn of phrase that she would not ignore.
But before I tried again, she sighed and cleared her throat and then, she
Closed her book and looked at me as if I were a cuspidor.

"No." she answered snidely smirking, "no." and in her eyes was lurking
Something cruel and dark the likes of which I’d never seen before
“Neither pain nor fear dissuade me, nor can empty words persuade me
Now that I’m your wife there’s simply no incentive anymore.”

"No." she carried on relentless "no." and now her ill intent was
Written plain upon her face from furrowed brow to hardened jaw
“Spare me these demented ravings, temper your perverted cravings
Honestly these nightly supplications are a total bore.”

So at last her colours showing, enmity between us growing
Laying there as beautiful and poisonous as hellebore
Now exposed as meretricious, suddenly a wild and vicious
Wrathfulness consumed me like an underfed tyrannosaur.

"Succubus!" I shrieked upstarting all composure now departing
Shaking with a thund’rous rage befitting of the mighty Thor
“Could it be your sphincter flinches at my double digit inches?”
But she only laughed and said “at most it felt like three or four!”

"Jezebel!" I cried accusing, "Harridan!" with fury oozing
“Are you now abandoning the wedding vows that we both swore?
Whence you promised to obey me, not in thought nor deed betray me
Truly this behaviour is an outrage that I can’t ignore!”

I, mistreated by this temptress, tried to calm my temper but this
Calculated treachery had truly been the final straw.
Thus unwilling to divorce I chose instead to take by force the
Conjugal permissions that my bride had chosen to withdraw.

But it seemed my thoughts were clearly read and as I neared the bed she
Kicked me with a kick as cataclysmic as a meteor.
Then in fluid combination, bent upon my decimation
Kneed me in the testicles and sent me crashing to the floor.

"No" she growled, aflame with loathing, "no" and straightened up her clothing
“Did you really think I’d let you do that to me anymore?
Yes I plotted to deceive you, honestly I can’t believe you
Fell for it so easily, it seems your judgement’s rather poor.”

"No" she said with resolution, "no" as I in destitution
Crawled to her and clasped her leg as wretched tears began to pour
“Silence your pathetic snivels, cease this idiotic drivel
Take thy hand from off my leg and pick thy form from off the floor.”

Thus dear reader, sir or maiden, here I sit with sorrow laden
Verily this drought has lasted longer than I can endure.
But my bride my pain unheeding, still she sits there calmly reading
Wearing now a mocking smile upon those lips I so adore.

And her booty never quitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Safe upon the wedding bed unoccupied and unexplored.
But if ever I should ask her, for permission to romance her
Smiling still Lenore in answer whispers softly “Nevermore.”