Facebook Best-Ofs: 2015
January 2, 2015

There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life. (Points over there.)January 2, 2015

Fly me to the moon,
and let me play among the stars.
Let me see what spring is like
on Jupiter and Mars.
In other words, I want to die from asphyxiation.January 5, 2015

Going to start a twitter account whose sole purpose is to retweet teenagers getting excited about hotels.January 9, 2015

first person: "I am here."
second person: "You are here."
third person: "They are here."
fourth person: "Waldfield is here."January 14, 2015

A metaphor is a comparison without using like or as, huh?

According to your middle school teachers, "John is taller than Frank" is a metaphor.January 29, 2015
When you're a child and eat a fig newton, you're like, I'd rather just have a real cookie.

When you're an adult and eat a fig newton, you're like, I'd rather just have a fig.February 6, 2015

No one seeing the word respite for the first time pronounces it correctly.February 7, 2015

I was reading an Amazon product review and going wow this is so spot-on and insightful before realizing that (two years prior) I was the one who wrote it.March 14, 2015

Oh yes we got Waldfield
Right here in River City
With a capital W, and that rhymes with
(five minutes later) smuggle you?April 15, 2015

It's tempting to put misinformation on genius.com. Part of me wants to edit the page for Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock" to say that rates of incarceration nearly doubled after the song's recording because of how fun it made jail sound.April 30, 2015

Yo, that alien is a total watermelon.

Green on the outside, pink on the inside.May 10, 2015

Waldfans, I have an announcement to make.

It's time I finally revealed my true identity.

I am '80s pop idol Irene Cara.May 10, 2015

Sometimes I think I should stage a comeback. Maybe they will film a remake of Flashdance, and I could be on the soundtrack. Or they could do a sequel to Fame and cast me as a teacher this time.May 20, 2015
People always saying James Stewart's big speech in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is one of the all-time great moments in film. Can't no half-hour sequence be a moment!!May 30, 2015

"Yo Mr. Fielding, can you write me a college recommendation?"
"Hey, of course! I'd be happy to! When is it due?"
"Oh! Uh, about 11 months."
"11 months, hmmm. Okay, tell you what—why don't you stick a baseball bat up your ass for 10 and a half months and then ask me again."August 27, 2015

In most shows/movies/songs from the 80s and 90s, there's this huge undercurrent about women not liking sex. I'm like... what are y'all talking aboutAugust 28, 2015

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it that every mother fucker I plan lessons with wants to spend the whole first day of the year just going over the syllabus.

40 minutes?? You want me to spend 40 minutes telling them to come to class on time???September 10, 2015

Going to go through the whole life cycle. For breakfast, I will eat an egg. For lunch, a chicken. And for dinner—a dead chicken.October 12, 2015

One of my students plagiarized from Sparknotes. I let him redo the assignment, and the second time he plagiarized from Shmoop.

Can we bring back corporal punishment? Just for one day, then we can make it illegal again.October 27, 2015

The way 1980s rappers feel about sucker MCs.

That's how I feel about guys who can't eat pussy properly.November 14, 2015

Look at me I'm a rapper I'm going to just make up words
This is trill, that is nann, uhhhhh why are you so harfoDecember 13, 2015
If you ever get arrested for murdering a child, just be like, I'm a time traveler and this kid was going to be the next Hitler. And then everyone will go oh okay thanks.