Name Calling
Look, honestly, I’ll stop talking about it. Let me say this, though. Let me just say this. Can we all just say that we’ve seen it coming? Were you surprised? It’s like when that guy threw that banana at me. Do you think I was surprised? Hell no. I’ve been in show business 30 years. I was expecting this banana. I knew one of these nights— I was like, “Somebody’s gonna throw a banana at me one of these nights.” ‘Cause that’s how it starts, with the name-calling. Like that Paula Deen. Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network?

If you know anything about show business, it is really hard to get fired from the fucking Food Network. And they dropped that bitch like a hot potato. All because she called somebody an N-word 30 years before she had a show. I don’t know who she said it to, but whoever it was was just looking at her like, “I’m gonna get you for this, bitch.” That shit came back 30 years later like a Bill Cosby rape and sunk her battleship. And every black person was mad, but we weren’t that mad. It was more confusing than it was infuriating. I was just like, “Well, how is this bitch gonna call me a nigger when she taught me how to fry chicken? That’s not fair.”

I think Donald Sterling’s shit was more serious. Remember Donald Sterling? He used to own the Clippers, and then he got caught on a secretly recorded tape saying some very unsavory things about African-Americans. And there’s a lesson in that for all of us. The lesson is if you are old and white and racist in this great country, whatever you do… don’t tell your black girlfriend about that shit. Because… that’s who made the tape. She recorded all that shit. And the tape was terrible. He was like, “Stop bringing black guys to my games.” At first, we were all confused. “How the fuck are you gonna have a game without us?” But it turned out that the black guy he was speaking of was none other than Magic Johnson, the billionaire! Unbelievable. Never even mentioned the fact that he had AIDS, which is the first thing I would’ve said to my girlfriend. This guy must be really racist if AIDS is the footnote. “You gotta be careful, baby. He got the old Ebola.”

You can say what you want about that girl, but I’m gonna tell you right now she is a goddamn hero. You might’ve thought these things were happening before, but now you can see it all in front of you without a shadow of a doubt. That shit actually went down. She sucked that old guy’s dick. She really took one for the team on that one. That’s really gross. His dick is, like, 80 years old. It’s like tasting history. Like, five wars on it, the Civil Rights Movement, the Great Depression. This guy’s been fucking from 40 years before Bill Cosby’s first rape. It’s a very old man. A very old penis. But all that shit is still just name-calling.

Like, name-calling does not break the modern black man. That’s not gonna do the trick. I don’t give a fuck about that. If I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and for some reason, everyone behind the counter had a Ku Klux Klan hood on top of their head, what do you think I’m gonna do in this day and age? Run out of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Not if I’m hungry. I’ll go straight to the front. “Hey, man. Let me get a two-piece.” I don’t give a fuck what he says. “You want a biscuit with that, nigger?” “I thought it came with a biscuit. What’s all this attitude? I want a two-piece. Chop, chop. You know what it is.” But I’m not gonna be mad. Why would I be mad? He’s the one that’s gotta work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.

How about this? What if I lived in Austin and I had a white girlfriend? It’s possible in Austin. As a matter of fact, some people say it’s necessary. But that’s not the point. And me and my white girlfriend are at home one night, and we’re just doing what lovers do. Maybe she’s butt-naked and she’s down on one knee, giving me a hand-job. I love a good hand-job. And she’s really jerking me off. You know, getting her obliques nice and tight. I got a huge dick, so she’s like… [grunting] And I’m like, “Wow, this really feels wonderful. I think I’m gonna come.” And then she looks up at me and goes, “Come in my face… nigger.” I know, that’s a tough one. Well, what do you think I’m gonna do? “Hey!”

That’s no time for integrity, ladies and gentlemen. I’m busting that nut in her face. I’ll sort through the ethics later. But I’m what they call a man of his word. If I say I’m coming, I’m coming. I don’t give a fuck what happens. God forbid, somebody could shoot me. If I say I’m coming, there’s still that— [imitates gunshot] It doesn’t mean I like getting shot. Oh, boy. Yeah, a tough time for the blacks. I’m not gonna say nothing about the police. I’ll leave that for Chris Rock.