Alans Routine Script
Text comes on screen reading “A Netflix Original Series.”

CUT TO: INT. ALAN’S APARTMENT

Cut to shot of Alan’s sink running. He turns it off. Cut to him looking at himself in the mirror. He has a toothbrush in his mouth.

ALAN: Ten.

“Piano Concerto No. 4 in G Major, Op. 58: III Rondo: Vivace” by Ludwig van Beethoven begins playing. Alan picks up a newspaper and swats a fly on the wall. The title card plays. He walks out of the bathroom. Cut to him in his bedroom.

ALAN: Play affirmations for success.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Affirmations for success: I am beautiful.

He begins to remove items from a suitcase.

ALAN: I am beautiful.

AUTOMATED VOICE: I am loved and deserve love.

ALAN: I am loved and deserve love.
AUTOMATED VOICE: I am in control.

ALAN: I am in control.

AUTOMATED VOICE: I am beautiful.

ALAN: I am beautiful.

AUTOMATED VOICE: I am loved and deserve love.

All that remains in the suitcase is a ring box. He picks it up and opens it. Inside is a wedding ring.

AUTOMATED VOICE: I am in control. I am beautiful. I am loved and deserve love.

He closes the lid and walks away. Cut to his main room. He feeds his betta fish, then grabs some things and leaves his apartment. Cut to a shot of him in the lobby of his building. He stands in front of the door, watching people pass. After a few moments, he opens the door for Joe.

JOE: Thank you.

ALAN: My pleasure.

JOE: Thank you very much. Nice kid.

CUT TO: EXT. PARK

Cut to Alan walking in the park. He listens to his affirmations through his earbuds as he goes.
AUTOMATED VOICE: I am beautiful.

ALAN: I am beautiful.

AUTOMATED VOICE: I am loved and deserve love.

ALAN: I'm loved. I deserve to be loved.

AUTOMATED VOICE: I am in control.

ALAN: I'm in control.

As Alan continues walking, he passes Nadia, also in the park, and on the phone with John. The camera switches to following her as she walks.

JOHN: Listen, Maxine invited me to your party.

ALAN: I'm in control.

NADIA: Yeah, I know, but, uh-

JOHN: Are you here?

NADIA: I'm trying to find this guy I met the other night.

JOHN: Oh. Wow, okay. Well, that's a, that's a good way to make me feel special.
NADIA: Right. No, no, no, it's not like a sex thing. It's, uh… he's a homeless guy.

CUT TO: INT. BEATRICE’S BUILDING

Cut to Alan walking up some stairs.

ALAN: I'm in control. I'm in control.

Alan knocks on Beatrice’s door. She opens and hangs up the phone she’s holding.

BEATRICE: Okay, bye. You're early. You look-

Alan enters. Beatrice closes the door.

ALAN: Thanks.

BEATRICE: What's up? You seem a little-

ALAN: You always say that.

BEATRICE: I always say-

ALAN: Yes, always. Routine is an incredible thing, Beatrice. We become what we repeatedly do.

BEATRICE: Is that one of your affirmations? Where are your bags?

ALAN: Where are your bags?

BEATRICE: We need to talk

ALAN: To talk. Yes, let's talk.

Alan walks over to prepare a drink. Beatrice follows.

ALAN: It seems like a great time to talk, on the night before we leave on a week-long vacation I've been planning for months.

BEATRICE: I need a drink.

Alan hands her the drink. They sit in her main room.

ALAN: What's up, Bea? You seem nervous. Almost as if it's occurring to you in this moment, maybe, possibly that this is gonna be harder than you thought.

BEATRICE: Did somebody tell you?

ALAN: That you're going to break up with me? No. No, you did.

BEATRICE: Stop playing these mind games. What is the point of all this? To humiliate me? To make me… feel bad?

ALAN: Yes!

Alan jerks his arm, spilling his drink all over the table.

ALAN: That... That wasn't supposed to happen. That... Uh… No. No.

Alan gets up and wipes down the table.

BEATRICE: This is the problem. You're always trying to fix every little thing.

ALAN: I can fix things. I just did.

Beatrice gets up.

BEATRICE: I... I can't do this anymore. You need help.

ALAN: I was gonna propose.

BEATRICE: I'm sorry.

ALAN: I'll see you next time.

Alan walks away.

CUT TO: INT. WARDOG’S BAR

Alan sits alone at the bar.

CUT TO: INT. ALAN’S APARTMENT

We see a few jump cuts of Alan playing a video game in his apartment. He eats and drinks, getting trash everywhere. He dies in the game.

ALAN: Fuck!

Cut to him opening his door. A delivery person hands him some deserts.

DELIVERY PERSON: Break up or birthday?

ALAN: Birthday.

Cut back to Alan on his couch.

ALAN: All right.

A brief montage of Alan eating, drinking, and playing is show. Cut to day. Alan wakes up to a text. It reads, “FROM F / Wanna meet for coffee?” Alan responds, “TO F / Yeah, see you in an hour.” Cut to a few shots of him working out. He then feeds his betta fish before standing in front of his door. After he hears his elevator chime outside, he grabs his coat and exits, meeting his neighbor in the hallway.

AUDREY: Oh, hey. I thought you were away for the weekend.

ALAN: I broke up with my girlfriend.

AUDREY: Oh, no.

ALAN: Yeah, so you don't need to feed Boba Fett.

AUDREY: Oh, okay.

ALAN: What was it we decided on? Fifty for the week, right? Here's 100.

AUDREY: Wow. Okay. Thanks. This is actually really great because honestly, I probably would've killed that fish.

She begins to walk away.

ALAN: Ah, um, can, can,can I ask you something?

AUDREY: Sure.

ALAN: We live in the same building and we see each other, you know, around. Um... What's your take on me?

AUDREY: I don't have one.

ALAN: No. Really. I mean, like, if you had to choose-

AUDREY: Like, if you weren't paying me, I never would've spoken to you.

ALAN: Okay. Um, thank you. Thank you for your honesty.

She turns and enters her apartment. Alan sighs.

CUT TO: EXT. PARK

Ferran and Alan sit across from each other at a table in the park drinking coffee.

FERRAN: You're shitting me. You were gonna propose. Ever since I've known you, it's been Beatrice. I mean, nobody gets through long distance in college.

ALAN: She's the wrong person for me.

FERRAN: Yo, you just blew up your whole life and you are serial killer calm about it.

ALAN: Do you think it's possible to correct your life? I find myself in this position of finally being able to do things the right way. You know?

FERRAN: Why don't you come over for dinner? Sheree and I would love to have you. Friday night?

ALAN: Yeah. Whenever Friday happens, I'll be there.

CUT TO: EXT. HOSPITAL

Cut to an exterior shot of a building. The camera pans down to show Alan walking. Cut to him inside. He chooses not to go in a full elevator and instead gets on an empty one. Inside, he rhythmically taps the ring box. After he gets off the elevator, he enters the doctor’s office and approaches the desk.

ALAN: Hi, I'm here to see Dr. Zaveri. Hi.

Alan’s mom sees him. They approach each other.

DR. ZAVERI: Alan, what's wrong? What are you doing here? Do you have a cold?

ALAN: Oh, no, I just wanted to tell you something, mom.

DR. ZAVERI: Aren't you supposed to be at work? You can't skip work.

ALAN: I'm trying to tell you.

DR. ZAVERI: You can't go skipping work again. Whatever it is you want to tell me, it can wait until later.

ALAN: I proposed to Beatrice.

DR. ZAVERI: Did she say yes?

Alan pauses for a few moments.

ALAN: Yes. Yes, she said yes.

DR. ZAVERI: Of course she did. Oh! Oh, I'm so happy for you.

They embrace.

ALAN: Me too.

DR. ZAVERI: You just wait and see. This is gonna change everything.

ALAN: I know. You're right.

Cut to Alan entering an elevator. Inside is Nadia.

ELEVATOR VOICE: Going up.

Alan takes out the ring box and rhythmically taps it. Nadia looks at him annoyed. He stops. The elevator screeches to a stop.

ELEVATOR VOICE: We are experiencing a temporary power outage.

The door opens. The elevator begins free falling down the shaft.

WOMAN: Get your phones! Call 911! No, no, no, no, no! Get down, everyone! Everyone, lie on your backs! Get down, get down, get down!

Everyone on the elevator but Alan and Nadia lay down.

NADIA: Hey, man. Didn't you get the news? We're about to die.

ALAN: It doesn't matter. I die all the time.

NADIA: Me too.

Alan and Nadia give each other strange looks.

CUT TO: INT. ALAN’S APARTMENT

Cut to Alan’s bathroom. “Piano Concerto No. 4 in G Major, Op. 58: III Rondo: Vivace” by Ludwig van Beethoven begins playing.

ALAN: Fuck.

Cut to Nadia in Maxine’s bathroom. “Gotta Get Up” by Harry Nilsson begins playing.

NADIA: Fuck.

Cut back to Alan. He puts his toothbrush away. He tries to swat the fly on the wall, but it escapes into a hole. Cut back to Nadia.

NADIA: Fuck. (There’s knocking on the door) All right, just give me a second!

Cut to Alan waiting inside his building, standing in front of the door. After a few moments, he opens the door for Joe.

JOE: Hey, Alan.

ALAN: There was a woman on the elevator.

JOE: Yeah, women don't like to take the stairs.

Cut to Alan walking briskly in the park.

ALAN: You are loved and deserve love. I'm in control. I'm beautiful and loved. I deserve love. I'm in control. I am beautiful and loved.

Cut to Alan sitting in Beatrice’s apartment.

BEATRICE: So, um... You haven't said anything since you got here. You're scaring me.

ALAN: Sorry. Um... Where were we? Um… What's up, Bea? You... You look nervous. Almost as if it's occurring to you that in this moment that maybe, possibly, all these things are gonna be harder than you thought.

BEATRICE: Somebody told you about Mike?

ALAN: D… Mike? You slept with Mike? You fucked the gingerbread man?

BEATRICE: Don't call him that.

ALAN: You! You call him that. Oh I'm I'm gonna be sick. Oh, I'm gonna throw up. Hey, you… You cheated on me with that elitist, condescending nightmare.

BEATRICE: You never even met him. You're not even interested-

ALAN: Is he the one that you're always on the phone with when I get here? Is this... Is this why you two have been meeting up for your dissertation about Philip Roth or whatever?

BEATRICE: For the millionth time, it's Updike and the suburban imaginary.

ALAN: How could you do this to me?

BEATRICE: It just happened. And it kept on happening. And it got harder and harder for me to tell you anything. You're sensitive. If I said anything that wasn't in complete agreement or wildly encouraging you were gonna lose your shit. Or maybe, I don't know. Even hurt yourself. So, I… That's when I realized that there was never gonna be a right time for me to tell you anything.

CUT TO: INT. ALAN’S APARTMENT

Alan plays computer games surrounded by trash. He throws his controller.

ALAN: Fuck!

He looks over at his betta fish.

ALAN: If there are two, one kills the other.

Alan goes onto a college website and looks up Mike. He finds a picture of Mike and Beatrice together. After a few moments, he throws his computer down.

CUT TO: INT. JEWELRY STORE

Shot through a window of Nadia on the sidewalk. She sees a pile of ring boxes in the window, then enters.

LIANA: Hi.

NADIA: Hey.

LIANA: I'm Liana. Welcome to Garrett's. Are you looking for anything special? Mother's Day or birthday?

NADIA: Look, I think we can both tell that I'm not really a purchasing type. Um, so I appreciate you helping me despite having no other customers.

LIANA: Well, it beats doing this crossword.

NADIA: You know that condition where you can't remember people's faces.

LIANA: Facial aphasia? Yes.

NADIA: I have that, but with names.

LIANA: Oh, come on. You're fucking with me. I mean, people really like to fuck with me, so just-

NADIA: No, no, it's a real condition.

LIANA: Mmm, what's that called?

NADIA: It's, uh... it's called name aphasia. Yes, it's a, it’s a very serious condition. You can google it after I leave. Anyway, uh, my boyfriend came in here and he bought me an engagement ring.

LIANA: Congratulations. That's wonderful.

NADIA: Thank you so much. It's terrific. It's an exciting time. Uh, I want to make sure that he got me the right ring. Okay, so he's about six feet tall, early thirties. He's got, like, disturbingly good posture. You know, like, he stands very erect. Like this, but a spine.

LIANA: Oh, yes. He kind of looks like Derek Jeter, who, is, like, obviously goes to the gym all the time, and he's incredibly buff, but not 'cause he's vain, he's just really compulsive, right?

NADIA: Bingo. That is my weirdo. Yeah.

LIANA: He came in here about 20 times. And then he ended up picking the most basic ring. No offense.

NADIA: No, not at all. Uh, do you know his name?

LIANA: Do I know your boyfriend's name?

NADIA: Yes.

LIANA: Okay, listen, this is really weird.

NADIA: Would it kill you to go look in the back?

LIANA: I think you're lying to me, and I think it's time to go.

NADIA: I'm not lying to you. Maybe you're lying. Maybe you're a liar.

LIANA: It's your boyfriend!

NADIA: Yes.

LIANA: What, are you accusing me of sleeping with your boyfriend? (Nadia notices a sign on the counter for a review app) Listen, I'm a professional. Do you understand? You know what? I think you're just in here trying to find things out 'cause you want to sell something that somebody gifted you. Either you want to bring it to a pawn shop, or what? I don't know, but it's time to go.

NADIA: So you don't have the name?

LIANA: Out! Go! Now!

NADIA: No problem. You know what? I applaud your instincts. I see why they trust you with all these jewels.

LIANA: Mmm. A bunch of malarkey.

Nadia exits.

NADIA: Bye.

Nadia opens a review site on her phone and finds a review by Alan.

NADIA: Come on, baby. Mm-hmm. Alan Zaveri. Hmm. Looks like somebody really likes shawarma.

CUT TO: EXT. PARK

Ferran and Alan sit across from each other at a table in the park.

FERRAN: Wanna talk about it?

ALAN: What?

FERRAN: The break up, man.

ALAN: Oh.

FERRAN: Beatrice. This Mike asshole.

ALAN: Yeah. No, I mean, I I don't think there's anything to, to say.

FERRAN: How long has this been going on for?

ALAN: I don't, um I didn't really ask. I didn't really ask a lot of things.

FERRAN: I would have asked so many things. I mean I never really liked Beatrice to begin with.

ALAN: What?

FERRAN: Yeah, I mean, I never said anything mean 'cause she was just always there. You know, Sheree cheated on me once when we first started dating.

ALAN: You never told me that.

FERRAN: Yeah, we actually went to couple's therapy and everything. I, I don't know. Eventually things just got better. But I wanted to know everything. How many times it happened, where it happened, who was this guy. Was she gonna do it again?

ALAN: I don't. I can't. I don't do therapy.

FERRAN: I know you don't, but it's worth a shot, okay? And Sean helped me and Sheree get through our problems. I mean, having a third person there really kind of gave us perspective.

ALAN: I can, I... I can do it by myself. I can.

FERRAN: No one can do anything by themselves.

CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK

Nadia stands outside of Alan’s apartment building, repeatedly buzzing him. Audrey approaches.

NADIA: Oh, hey, Coco. Uh, I'm Alan's buddy, six L. I think his buzzer's broken. Can you let me in?

AUDREY: How do I know you're not a murderer?

NADIA: My sparkling personality?

AUDREY: How many people have you murdered?

NADIA: None.

AUDREY: That's what a murderer would say.

Audrey walks past her and enters. Once inside, she flips Nadia off.

NADIA: Really? Do I know you? The fuck is this?

Cut to some time later. Nadia stands outside smoking. Alan approaches.

NADIA: Hey, man, I tried to jimmy your lock, but I guess that shit only works in movies, huh.

ALAN: How did you find me?

NADIA: Uh, we're neighbors. I live around the corner on Fifth and B.

ALAN: No, no, thank you. No.

NADIA: Oh. No, I'm not selling anything, dude. Do you think it's weird that we live in the same neighborhood? Do you think it means anything? Do you think that we're dead? Do you think that we're the same person? You know, I got a couple of theories that I'm working on. Us being the same person is my current favorite.

ALAN: How would that even work, we couldn’t possibly be-

NADIA: Alright, check it out, check it out.

Nadia holds a lighter up to her own hand.

NADIA: Can you feel this? Does it hurt? Is it hurting you? It's hurting me.

ALAN: Okay, stop. Just…

NADIA: Hey, look, pal. I'm not so sweet on you either, okay? But right now you're the only lead I've got.

ALAN: Lead?

NADIA: Yeah, you know, uh, clue. To get out of this, whatever this is, this situation.

ALAN: There is no way out of this situation. And, personally, I liked it. I had control. I I knew what was coming. And then you showed up and led me down this weird path, like a carcinogenic siren.

NADIA: You're welcome.

ALAN: No, I'm not thanking you. You showed up and everything has gone off. I... I learned something I really didn't want to know. Beatrice, my girlfriend for nine years, has been cheating on me.

NADIA: Whoa. That's very heavy. If you'd like to meet up again, I will be at my birthday party yesterday night.

ALAN: You're restarting on your birthday?

NADIA: Ah, yes. Yes, I am. The party's at the old yeshiva on Tenth and A, all right? You can't miss it. And I can tell that you're really bent out of shape about this Beatrice character, but, you know, we literally just met, so, like, none of this is on me. From what I gather, we are in this together.

“Symphony No. 2 in D, Op. 36-4 Allegro Molto” by Ludwig van beethoven begins playing. Nadia walks away. After a moment, Alan walks in the other direction.

CUT TO: INT. MIKE’S OFFICE

Mike sits in his office across from a woman.

MIKE: Or if you think about Faulkner's influence on William Styron. Styron's protagonist and living with the legacy of slave-holding territories it lays very nicely on top of the counter narrative of German concentration camp survivors. So we have a hero right, who's who's haunted by, but maybe romantically compelled by, the horrors. (Alan bursts in) Excuse me, this is a private office.

ALAN: No, I’m not-

Alan grabs Mike. The two begin to tussle across the room, ending up wrestling on the floor.

MIKE: Fuck you! Jesus Christ!

MAN: Hey, hey, what's going on?

Another man enters and pulls Alan off of Mike.

MIKE: Hey, man, get off of me!

MAN: You need to walk away.

ALAN: No!

MAN: You need to go, sir.

MIKE: Fucking Christ.

ALAN: You're an asshole.

MIKE: Who are you?

ALAN: I'm Beatrice's boyfriend.

MIKE: Ah.

ALAN: Yeah?

MIKE: You're, uh... You're Alan.

ALAN: Yeah.

MAN: You know this man?

MIKE: It's... We're fine. You can go.

ALAN: No, no, no, you don't know me. You don’t know me.

MIKE: Listen, Alan. We can talk about this.

Alan screams. He picks up one of Mike’s books and throws it at a mirror.

MAN: That's enough, all right? That's enough!

ALAN: Okay, I'm going!

MIKE: Alan she's unhappy, man. I'm just her excuse to leave.

ALAN: Go to hell.

Alan leaves. The man follows. Mike and the woman stand in silence for a second.

MIKE: How's my face?

WOMAN: It's fine.

MIKE: Yeah?

WOMAN: Yeah.

MIKE: Good. 'Cause the mirror's gone, so I... I can't tell.

CUT TO: EXT. RIVERSIDE

Alan walks next to railing on the side of the river. He pulls the ring box out of his pocket and examines the ring. After a second, he throws it in the river. A nearby electrical box fries. A wire connects it to the railing Alan is touching, electrocuting him. He falls to the ground, dead.

CUT TO: INT. ALAN’S APARTMENT

Alan stands in his bathroom.

ALAN: Twelve.

Cut to Alan emptying his suitcase, throwing most of the contents out with abandon. He picks up the ring box and opens it, only to find the ring is gone.

ALAN: It's gone.

Cut to Alan preparing to leave his apartment. The camera pans to his fish tank. His fish is now gone.

END CREDITS