Dinner in Minsk
Dinner in Minsk

AT RISE:	DARYA and LEV enter a restaurant. LEV sits. DARYA remains standing.

DARYA
Ahem!

LEV
Need a cough drop?

DARYA
You have no sisters.

LEV
Or brothers.

DARYA
That’s why you’re spoiled and self-centered!

LEV
Shouldn’t we start with small talk?
DARYA
Shouldn’t we start with manners?

LEV
Okay, so why don’t you sit down? ... Oh! I get it! You want me to help you into your chair.

(LEV rises, pulls out DARYA’s chair, and helps her scoot in.)

DARYA
That’s better.

LEV
Better than what?

DARYA
I blame American women.

LEV
For what?

DARYA
For pumping their own gasoline. We should have stayed in our cars and adjusted our lipstick in the rear view mirror while someone else pumped our gas. Self-service! Ridiculous idea!

LEV
I like pumping my own gas.
DARYA
You’re a man, you should like pumping gas.

LEV
That was the idea behind getting together.

DARYA
Pumping gas?

LEV
To be our male and female selves.

DARYA
Just because our mothers attended Minsk State Linguistic University doesn’t mean I want to be on this blind date.

LEV
Who said I want to?

DARYA
I see nothing wrong with being single.

LEV
I’m pretty sure we’ll both still be single when we finish eating.

DARYA
I’m here strictly as a favor to my mother.
LEV
Me, too. (Uncomfortable silence) … You have a pretty name. Darya, right?

DARYA
What a memory you have.

LEV
It was my pathetic attempt at making small talk.

DARYA
Verifying my name?

LEV
If you’re so smart, why don’t you make small talk?

DARYA
No one said I was smart, I would never say I’m smart, that would be rude, and I’m not rude.

LEV
Could have fooled me.

DARYA
So I’ve been slightly rude.

LEV
Let’s just leave and tell our mothers we had a nice evening.

DARYA
We could, but I’m famished. I had to work through lunch and I came straight from my office.

LEV
Famished?

DARYA
Extremely hungry, desirous of sustenance.

LEV
I know the word.

DARYA
When I’m famished, I’m not polite, Lev. I need an appetizer.  Now! Balyk would be nice. Where’s the maitre d’?

LEV
Darya, this restaurant may not be what you had in mind.

DARYA
It’s pretty basic.

LEV
If there was a maitre d’, he’d be in a T-shirt and shorts.

DARYA
A tablecloth would be nice, with crisp white napkins.

LEV
I picked this restaurant because the food is good.

DARYA
A rose in a small vase with a sprig of baby’s breath would help. Something a little more formal than … this, something a little nicer.

LEV
The portions are large here.

DARYA
I don’t know if I can eat somewhere so un-busy. There’s a reason no one’s here!

LEV
Something must be going on – somewhere else in Minsk, I mean. Usually the place is crowded.

DARYA
What kind of restaurant is this anyway?

LEV
Middle Eastern.

DARYA
Middle Earth as in The Hobbit:and Lord of the Rings?

LEV
Middle Eastern as in Western Europe and Egypt.

DARYA
How can the Middle East be in the West?

LEV
You’ve never eaten Middle Eastern food?

DARYA
We’re in Belarus. Why don’t we eat Belarusian food.

LEV
Why don’t we try something different?

DARYA
Could I see a menu before we decide?

LEV
Fine, I’ll look for a waiter

DARYA
See if you can get a basket of rye bread. And kvas.

LEV
How do you feel about pita?

DARYA
Who?

LEV
Never mind, I’ll be right back.

DARYA
I hope they have trout on the menu. Have you ever tried trout with soy sauce?

LEV
Soy sauce comes from China! You’ve eaten ethnic!

DARYA
It’s on the same shelf as sauerkraut juice, it can’t be ethnic.

LEV
They’re more likely to have fish vindaloo than trout.

DARYA
Just go!
(LEV exits. DARYA digs through her purse, pulling out weird item after weird item -- pliers, a hairbrush, a tape measure, a book, a coffee cup, etc..)

Darn! I thought I had something chocolate in my purse. Why didn’t I eat lunch today?

DARYA
(LEV enters, does not sit)

I’m not going to pull out your chair, Lev. I’m the female, remember?

LEV
I remember.

DARYA
Then why are you standing up?

LEV
The restaurant closed an hour ago. They forgot to lock the front door.

DARYA
You arranged a date with me without checking on the restaurant’s hours?

LEV
I’m stupid.

DARYA
I’m famished.

LEV
What do you want to do?

DARYA
Eat! I want to eat!

LEV
So do I! I should have asked what you liked when I called. I was trying to be a take-charge kind of man. My mother said your mother was adventurous, so I thought you might be adventurous, in a culinary sense you might enjoy trying a Middle Eastern restaurant.

DARYA
All right, all right, stop apologizing, and figure out the closest place we can get kolduny.

LEV
I love kolduny!

DARYA
I would also enjoy cabbage soup.

LEV
Cabbage soup is boring.

DARYA
Is not.

LEV
Is too.

DARYA
Not the way I fix it.

LEV
You cook?

DARYA
Of course, I cook.

LEV
I do, too. Do you think that’s unmanly?

DARYA
I think I’m famished. What’s in your refrigerator?

LEV
Mushrooms.

DARYA
That’s it?

LEV
Smetana  -- if it’s still good.

DARYA
Have you ever tasted draniki stuffed with mushrooms?

LEV
Never. I use mushrooms to make soup.

DARYA
So all you have at home is mushrooms and spoiled smetana?

LEV
I have pickles.

DARYA
Lovely. … Do you live close to a Vesta?

LEV
What does that have to do with anything?

DARYA
Let’s cook a meal at your house.

LEV
I don’t know if you’ll approve of my housekeeping.

DARYA
I’m sure I won’t.

LEV
I’ll make mushroom soup.

DARYA
I’ll make cabbage soup.

LEV
I don’t like cabbage soup.

DARYA
You haven’t tasted mine.

LEV
Fine, but I’ll make mushroom soup.

DARYA
You can’t, I’m using the mushroom to stuff the draniki.

LEV
You’re kind of pushy, you know?

DARYA
That’s why I’m so successful.

LEV
You call a meal of soup and draniki a success?

DARYA
Don’t forget those pickles.

LEV
We can buy some trout and soy sauce. If you insist.

DARYA
I do insist.

LEV
Then I insist you make no references to my housekeeping.

DARYA
And you’ll pay for the groceries.

LEV
Me?
DARYA
Weren’t you going to pay for the restaurant meal?

LEV
Uh, well, uh, I kind of thought--

DARYA
I can’t believe you were going to make me pay half the bill at that so-called restaurant!

LEV
Uh, well, uh …

DARYA
Pay for the grocery. It will be less than the restaurant. Less even than half the restaurant bill.

LEV
Fine. Can we go? All this talk about food is making me hungry.

DARYA
Also, I’m putting you in charge of dessert. Nothing too fattening.

LEV
That’s the purpose of dessert. Sweet and fattening. The perfect end to a meal.

DARYA
Nothing too fattening!

LEV
Kutya?

DARYA
My absolute favorite dessert!

LEV
I make it with dates and honey.

DARYA
You ruin it!

LEV
And your version is …

DARYA
Raisins, of course.

LEV
Now that you’ve organized our meal, can we head to Vesta?

DARYA
Please.

LEV
We’ll go in my car. That’s more polite, right?

DARYA
But I need gasoline.

LEV
We’ll go in your car, and I’ll pump the gas. I’ll even pay for it.

DARYA
So what are we waiting for?

LEV
Me, to help you out of your chair.

DARYA
That was the right answer!

(LEV helps her out of her chair and gallantly offers her the crook of his arm, which she takes.)

Shall we?

LEV
We shall.

(LEV and DARYA exit.)


(END OF PLAY)