Part Eight: Interview With Susan
Part Eight: Interview With Susan

	Hello, readers. In this part of the book, we are here with Very Smurt's ex-wife: Ms. Susan E. Anthony.

	Hey, everyone! It’s Susan, here! Blogger, innovator, activist, mom, and public figure! And, -- ah, what the hell am I thinking? I can't put on this brave face. *Clears throat*. Hello everyone, my name is Susan E. Anthony, and Very Smurt was my long-time lover. That's the main reason I’m here.

	Thanks, Susan. Now, could you tell us about your love story with Smurt?

	Sure. You know, you seem like a great lady? Do you wanna hang ou--

	Actually, I'm not a lady, I'm gender neutral.

	Oh, wacky! I'm actually kind of slightly maybe possibly bisexual or, gender neutral, myself. You know, I'm gonna really try to turn myself gay, maybe then my parents will care about me or my life.

	Ugh, shut up you fake, white-ass bitch. Just, tell me your story with Smurt.

	Okay, jeepers. Basically, Smurt and I met in early January of 2019. He was freshly divorced, and I was really lonely so we were kind of perfect for each other . We both went into our relationship not necessarily wanting anything serious. We just wanted to go on a few dates, maybe play Smash a couple of times, and then we'd ditch each other feeling a little happier. Though, our little love blossomed, and after three long yet amazing months of dating, he proposed. In mid-April. When he got down on one knee, I knew exactly what he was going to do, and in that moment I felt really scared. I was scared of feeling alone again, but I really didn't want to just dive in to a life-long commitment after only three months. So, sadly, I had to turn him down. When I did, he seemed even more sad than when his ex-wife Karen left him.

	Wait a second, didn't you say that you were Smurt’s ex-wife, not girlfriend?

	Oh yeah, right. After Stanferd Dropout was released, and after Smurt’s lesbian girlfriend left him, I flew over to Soho and proposed to him myself. We lived there for a while and we were happy, but on June 11th I believe, I was shot in the middle of the street at 3 am, and I died a slow and surprisingly painful death.
	Wh--, what!? How in the world could you be dead? You're here now, and you seem perfectly alive to me.

	Oh thank you! I’m actually the original Susan's clone. Susan had just had her baby, and she was very poor when Smurt was ghosting her because he couldn't handle yet another kid or the commitment a new child would mean. So, she cloned herself in a very shady experiment to get paid as a lab rat, and now I'm here. She was cloned right after being shot. Her/my daughter Annie is actually over at my Soho apartment now.

	Okay, makes sense. So recently in this book we analyzed a timeline I put together, and we found out that Smurt was very depressed. Did he ever seem depressed when you were together or the last time you talked to him?

	Well, the last time I spoke with him was right before he completely ghosted me, but back then he did weirdly talk about… suicide a lot. Not really him… committing it, but rather just generally talking about it. You know, I think once he did--

	Oh my god. That’s it!! Smurt wasn't killed by anyone in particular, he was killed by HIMSELF!! Thank you so, so much Susan for coming and making me realize this, but I really gotta go.

	Um, okay. Bye then.