Hosting the Crunchies
Good evening, Crunchies.

That's a sarcastic wolf whistle, so fuck you, straight away. Let's not start off with that kind of sarcastic tone.

Thank you so much for being here, and for having me. It is once again such an honor to be in a room with such an illustrious group of high-functioning nerds. Thank you for having me, dweebs.

You've already let yourself down, nerds. Because Spider Man was just misquoted. And I cannot believe there was not a riot. Spiderman did not say with power comes responsibility. Uncle Ben, his uncle, said with great power comes great responsibility. You should have stormed the stage.

You've forgotten who you fundamentally are at heart. Success has changed you.

It is tremendously exciting to be at the Crunchies, whatever they are is unclear. I was here twelve months ago hosting the Crunchies and I couldn't understand what the point of this was then. It's a year later, and I still fundamentally don't get it.

My best guess seems to be, it's once a year, the tech industry gets together to celebrate and quietly criticize one another. It's like the Nobel Prizes being given out if Nobel Prizes were given out in an atmosphere of high school bitchiness.

"You're giving it to him? Ew." That's how you all sound to me. "Ew."

So let's be positive. Let's keep the tone positive. I know you have a tendency towards snark in this industry. There are no losers here tonight.

Any nominee has done incredibly well to become a nominee. There are winners and people who fail to win. So if you don't win an award you are not a loser, you are a failure, there is an important distinction there.

Also I don't get what is happening here? Why do you need an awards ceremony in the tech industry. What more adulation do you need? You already have all the money in the world. Why do you need awards after that? It is absolutely ridiculous.
You’re no longer the underdogs. It’s very important that you realize that. You’re not the scrappy people that people get behind. It used to be that people who worked in the tech industry were emotional shut-ins who you could root for. Now those days are gone.

You’re pissing off an entire city. Not just with what you do at work, but how you get to work. It’s not easy to do that.

I know the latest design for you buses was to use tinted windows but reverse, with the tint on the inside. The reason being that, "Look I don't care if the peasants see me as long as I don't see them."

You're being accused of over-gentrifying a city that was already the most expensive city to live in in America. That's mathematically not possible. You're gentrifying a city that was already gentrified three times before you. You can't gentrify it any more without going full circle and turning this into a shit hole. There is so much money in Silicon Valley, that if Martin Scorsese was to do a modern day version of the Wolf of Wall Street, it wouldn't take place in New York, it would take place on the west coast and it would have all the opulence, all the money, and about ten percent of the sex.

The tech industry has done some incredible things. But it's also forced people to say some incredible things. Look at the NSA technology. The NSA technology force Jay Carney, the White House press spokesman, the man who died inside  eighteen months ago. He's a husk of a man now. If you took an X-Ray of Jay Carney, it would be empty except for the dead carcass of a bird.

The most amazing thing regarding technology. He was asked about the NSA spying on eighteen world leaders, including Angela Merkle of Germany. "Which is worse: hacking the phone of a Germany leader or NOT hacking the phone of a German leader." It was less than a hundred years ago. It was less than a century ago. And until a hundred years has gone by, the German people cannot complain about being supervised.

Anyways, Jay Carney was asked a question regarding Angela Merkle. "We are not hacking it now and we will not hack it in the future." To which you could feel the whole country going, "Well, I'm 2/3rds reassured by that answer."

What happened to "did not" there? That seems important. That's like being asked, "Did you kill that man?" And saying, "Here's what i can tell you. I am not killing him and I will not kill him in the future. Am I free to go now, because I frankly think I should be."

So we have some amazing awards to give out this evening. I have a couple of extra awards at the start here, some categories that didn't make it in. The award this year for creepiest marketing campaign goes to Uber, so congratulations to Uber for their kitten delivery scheme. Delivering kittens for fifteen minute cuddles. Seems like a cute idea, until you think about the practicality of that content.

I'm pretty sure there were a lot of requests coming from one house in the Bay Area saying, "Please send another batch."

And then there was a shortage. So they were surge pricing kittens. Fuck you Uber! You have no morality.

The award for cartoon villain. Larry Elison for cheating during the America's Cup. Cheating during a yacht race is cartoon villainy at its finest. And he would have been the runaway winner of course had it not been for Tom Perkins, who chose to apologize for by not apologizing at all and instead pointing out that his watch could buy him six rolexes like some kind of classless west coast rapper. He could not be any more of a cartoon villain, sitting in a chair, stroking a cat that he had delivered by the maniacs at Uber. Are you ready for a fantastic evening of Crunching?

Enjoy the night!