Tiny Hitlers
[Donald Glover]
You know, I think people don't like rap nowadays 'cause they say it has, like, a bad influence on kids. They have, like, a bad influence on kids. And I grew up with a bunch o' kids. Like, my mom ran a daycare, and we had foster kids, and we had adopted kids. I know kids pretty well. And I've got to be honest, kids are pretty fucked up anyway. They're awful people. They're tiny, tiny little Hitlers. All of them. They're all awful. No, seriously. The thing that makes everybody in here a good person is empathy and sympathy. That's when you learn, like, "Oh, I'm not gonna punch that person. 'Cause if he punched me, I wouldn't like that. So, yeah." When you learn that, that's what makes you a good person. Kids don't have that yet. So they're awful, awful people. They're terrible people. They don't have it yet. That's the honest-to—

You ever see those kids in the supermarket? They're just walkin' around. They're just like: (screams hysterically) Just screamin'. And their mom's like, "Zachary. Zachary, I mean it. Zachary. Zachary, Zach— Zachary, remember? Remember, Zachary? Remember the 'dolphin.' Remember? A 'dolphin.' Remember, we made the secret word that means you need to behave? 'Dolphin's the word. And I just said it. So, you need to behave. You understand? You understand? Huh? Okay? Okay—"

Like the kid's gonna be like, "Oh, you're right. We did agree upon that. I'm gonna stop pissing in this Nutella jar and really… really start behaving." He's three years old, he doesn't know. He does— He can't even talk. He can't even talk. He doesn't speak English yet. If— That's the thing. When they're going, like, "Gah-gah!" And they're screaming and they're spitting and they're screaming at their mom—they're not saying anything. That's because they don't know words yet. If they could talk, they'd be cursing their mom out. They would. They'd be like, "Oh yeah, Mom. I'm just gonna… Yeah, I'm just gonna eat this cookie for dinner. Yeah, I'm just gonna eat this cookie for dinner. It's not a big deal. I'm just gonna eat this— What are you doing? What are you do—? Oh, you fuckin' bitch! You knew I wanted that cookie for dinner and you put it somewhere I couldn't reach it. You're dead. You're fuckin' dead. I'm gonna tell Dad and he's gonna beat the living shit outta ya. Dad? Dad, This cunt that you married… put a cookie somewhere I couldn't reach it. Fuckin' kill her. I'll wait."

That's what's in a kid's head. Kids are awful. Kids are awful people. You want to— You want to know a testament to how awful kids are, how terrible kids are? Um, I was walkin' down the street in L.A., just walkin' down the street from a restaurant—from one of my favorite restaurants. And I had, like, a bag full of food. And it's right across the street from a school. And I saw two kids fightin' over a basketball. They're like— (grunts) Fighting over it. I'm just walkin' by. And one of 'em just goes— (grunts) "Ah!" And just pulls it. And the other one goes, "Ooh. That's why your mom's in a fucking wheelchair!"

And I dropped my shit. I was like, "Wha… Wha-haha… What?! You can say that? You can say those words in that order and you don't explode?" Like, the people police don't come down from the sky an' like, "Oh, I'm sorry. This person's a demon. I didn't even know— I don't know how— I don't know how he got out."

That's the most awful thing in the world. Nobody in this room could get away with that. If you went to work tomorrow and it was like, "Hey, man. Dave is being a real jerk today." "Yeah, I know. What's goin' on?" "I don't know. But that's why his mom's in a fuckin' wheelchair. Alright, I'll see you later. I'll see you later. Basketball later?" "No, no basketball later. I'm not playin' with a monster." Tiny Hitlers.