Hi emma watson
[Preamble]
Hey, what's up?
This is your buddy here, Sam Hyde (maniacal laughing)
And I got a little piece of advice for Emma Watson
This video's for Emma Watson, private video
Emma, babe, (chuckling), cool story, babe, now make me a sandwich (audience laughter)
Emma, seriously, get back in the kitchen.
[End Preamble]

Hey what's up my little be-otches in internet land
This is a special shout out video
Sendin this one to Emma Watson
Emma, if you're watching this right now babe
Got a little piece of advice for you, see
Here's my advice for you, Emma Watson; check it out:
Cool story babe, get back in the kitchen, okay?
Get back in the kitchen
Get back in the kitchen, alright?
I saw your little 'speech', wasn't impressed
Cool story babe, now make me a sandwich.
Hey, Emma, I'm here for you if you need advice
Here's my advice for you:
Get back in the kitchen (breaks character in a fit of laughter)
Cool story babe, now make me a sandwich
Check it out, babe:
That's all I got to say to you, Emma, cheers.
Cigar won't stay lit. I like cigars, but I can't get them to stay lit, that's the problem.
Emma, listen to me, take advice from your old buddy Sam, okay?
Start thinkin about... Stop thinkin about how you're gonna be a big movie star and all this and all that. Bullshit
You're hot, okay. But nobody wants you cause you're a movie star - that's ridiculous.
'Oh, I'm dating the best movie star, shes a great movie star', nah.
Guys want you cause you're hot, babe.
Look, get back in the kitchen, start thinking about becoming a wife and a mother
What's gonna make you the best wife and mother, alright?
You get back up there-next time you're in front of the UN I want to hear your ten point plan about how you're gonna make yourself into the ideal candidate for wife and mother
Alright, I don't want to hear about this movie star crap
That's great-oh, you're in a little movie? Geez whiz, what's it called?
Fuckin, 'Princess'? Is that the name of your next movie? It's called The Princess?
What're you taking about Emma? I don't care about your movies
Yeah, what're you gonna do for me? You're gonna be 'acting' for me in the bedroom?
I don't want that, I want the real thing. I don't want you 'acting' in the bedroom, babe.

Emma, listen, I know it's a tough world for you women, blah, blah, blah
You only earn 35 cents for every man's dollar
That's right, cause all the male stars in the movies you're in they're earning a million dollars and you're earning 350,000 dollars
Right? Emma, look here, babe.
Hold on a second
(Samuel examines the camera)
Hold on a second
Everybody else who's watching this right now, stop watching this, cause I've gotta talk to my girl EMMA by herself right now
If you're not Emma Watson, you can close this down.
I'm obsessed with the way you look
I'm obsessed with the way you probably smell
I'm obsessed with being with you
With being, caring, guiding, paternal loving-
You get back in the kitchen, make me a cigar babe
Cause, I don't eat sandwiches, I eat cigars
That's how I keep my figure so slim
Listen, when you're on a full cigar diet
That's all you need, okay?
You don't need sandwiches, I don't need a roast beef sandwich
I don't need a ham and cheese sandwich, I need a cigar
Emma, you got the whole thing all skewed.
What're saying in front of the UN?
I didn't even watch the speech, I assuming she said something about the wage gap.
Emma, if you knew any- if you had access to a search engine you could find out the wage gap is largely bullshit
But ah, I don't assume you're gonna be doing any research on your own
You're probably just gonna stand up there whining, complaining.
Typical. Typical what, typical woman? No!
I've never met a woman who whines and complains.
I meant typical movie star.
Okay, I'm not a bigot. I'm not some kind of anit-feminist.
I believe women whine and complain just as much as men do.
Men whine and complain more!
Women don't whine and complain.

The thing I hate about movie stars is when they talk about their ex-boyfriends when you start getting with them
And you go to a movie theater and say
'Oh this movie theater, this is where me and Billy from Jeff's Band got into a big argument."
Shut the fuck up Emma!
I'm trying to build something with you
I'm trying to create a relationship with you
I don't want to know about the leather-jacket tattoo guy
That you fucked before me
Emma, you're not, but you're not that hot.
My ex, and me, we went- we went to a water park together
Is that what you want to hear?
And her waist was slimmer than yours
And her... Parts were tighter than yours, okay?
So Emma, just stop.
I don't want to hear about the guy with the beard with the chest tattoo
With the Illuminati chest tattoo
And the tattoo of a feather on his arm
And the tattoo of dinosaur bones on his arm
And all the cool tattoos and the cool music he listened to, okay?
And then we're gonna see him walking around town and he makes eyes at you
Now, if I got any sort of manhood and he makes eyes at you
I'm gonna go up to him, and I'm gonna push him
And I'm gonna- he's gonna hit his head when he falls backwards
And I'm gonna spend the night in jail
And that's your fault
And when I get out, I'm gonna punch you in the face
I have to hurt you
Listen
It doesn't have to be this way
You can just be my sweet little baby and I won't
I won't never hurt you
You can just be my sweet little baby
Give me tender kisses
And you don't talk about your ex-boyfriend
But you ruined it
So I don't even want you anymore
You're a nasty hoe
Listen
Here's the thing about you making me a sandwich
Is that I don't
You say these things about your exes to show that you have high value
To show me that a man has previously cared for you
A very large amount
I get it, okay?
I assumed that
I don't want to hear that though
What if I was like
'Oh, you know the funny thing about me is babe, that girls typically go crazy about me"
You know what, you're reading too many books, my dear Miss Watson
(Mr. Hyde displays his cigar, which has burned down to under an inch)
See, that's our relationship right there
That's our relationship
It could have been something great but you didn't light it evenly
And it burned down the wrong way
So now I'm sitting in my car
Crying over you
Boo hoo hoo hoo
Boo hoo
(unintelligible noises)
Boo hoo

Relationship tip for men
Next time you get really bend out of shape about babe- your baby
Your hot baby
Just look in the mirror and do this, do one of these
(untranscribable sobbing)
Okay?
And then you're realize what a fuckin idiot you're being
Check this out. This is my real girlfriend right here
It's a weight belt
It's my thirteen milimeter weight belt
That's the only girlfriend I have
Put her on, she holds me tight
She keeps me close
She's my baby
Gives me kisses
Anyway

[Falling Action]
Nice garage. It's a nice garage
I don't know who's house this is, but
I'm hanging out here
Just like can'- I'm sleeping in my car
I'm on the road, I got nothin
Sam Hyde has been reduced to sleeping in his car
Of course, the haters love to hear that
The haters want to hear that I have nothing
I have nothing
I'm not funny
[End Falling Action]

[Outro]
Alright you fuckers
That's enough video for today
You don't get any more video after this
This is the end of the video
Now, listen
So, this is my house now
This is my house
This is my house now
This is my house
I have nothing
[End outro]