Philosophy/Religion/College/Language
But I am into the intellectual thing. I went to college. I studied the great philosophers. Socrates. I studied Plato. You know, you learn the important things. Like, if you're studying geology which is all facts as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, you know? Because it's just numbers and things, but philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life. Then you studied the important like ethical questions: is it ok to yell "movie" in a crowed fire house? Uh, religious questions. Does the Pope shit in the woods?

I keep waiting sometime. If there is a god give me a sign. See? I told you [unintelligible gibberish] Wouldn't it be weird if you died, and you woke up, and you were in heaven, just like they always told you? Everybody had wings on and pearly gates. Wouldn't you feel stupid? "Oh no. You mean that this is what....? Awww. In college they said this was all bullshit. Oooh then, well, I'll just come in. What? You've been keeping records on me? Well, I wasn't so bad. How many times did I take the Lord's name in vain? Ooooh. Million and six? Jesus Chri-"

We're going to get to the meat of the act pretty soon. I'm just kind of coasting here. What do you want for four dollars? A real show or something? I don't need this, you know what I mean?

I'm a neat guy

More wine.

Ahh, it's so hard, it's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean?  It's like, religion, I mean you can't really take it seriously because it seems so mythological, and it seems so arbitrary. And then on the other hand science, you know, is just pure empiricism and by virtue of its method it excludes metaphysics.  And uh, I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if not for my lucky astrology mood watch.

College. You feel so small, you know. You go to college, you study about guys like Leonardo, who did everything. A scientist. A pai-, a great, a great painter. A great architect and designer. And you feel like an idiot. I wanted to expand my life in the way that Leonardo did, and that's why I took up juggling. I know what you're saying, you're saying, "Steve, where do you find time to juggle?" Well, I juggle in my mind. Whoops. Ok, um. But people look at guys, like, like the Mona Lisa, hahaha, Leonardo's Mona Lisa, and they think, "Ohh, that's not so great." But not a lot of people know this: the Mona Lisa was painted with one stroke. He just went pllft, "How's this?"

Ok, I'm sorry, alright, ok, ok. Ahhhh. Excuse me, just went to the Bahamas for a second.

Well, anyway. I guess you can tell that, uh I'm into language. Language is kinda my thing being a comedian. And uh, if you don't have a command of the language, nothing to be embarrassed about but, uh, because this is uh, my profession and uh, let's face it:  some people have a way with words, and other people................oh, not have a way. See I'm into language. You have to have a command of the English language or you're just nowhere. I mean, like, take, say you get out college or whatever you're doing. You're gonna go into business; say you're going to open a bank. Now you, just for example, you've got to give it the right name. It's got to be something big and strong like Security First Trust and Federal Reserve. And you have to name a bank that because nobody is going to put their money in Fred's Bank. "Hi, I'm Fred. I have a bank. You got $1,500? I'll put it, I'll put it here, in my white suit. White suit, right-hand pocket. Ok, you gotta remember that."

I got a great dirty trick you can play on a three-year-old kid. See kids learn how to talk by listening to their parents, see? See, this is a good one you can pull on them. See, what you do, you have a three-year-old kid and you want to play a dirty trick on them, whenever you're around them, you talk wrong. So now it's like his first day in school and he raises his hand. "May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?"
Give that kid a special test. Get him out.
Let me give you a warning, ok. I was in Paris about two months ago. And, it was just a little vacation. It was on the east coast, I had seven days off and say, "Well I'll just go over there; I'll go to Paris." But let me give you a warning if you're going over there. Here's an example: chapeau means hat. Ouef means egg. It's like those French have a different word for everything. I'm serious. See, you never appreciate your language until you go to a foreign country that doesn't have the courtesy to speak English. I went over there thinking no problem, I don't speak any French; I'm thinking no problem, English is a universal language. Everybody, no, I'll just, it'll be easy. I get off the plane, get into the taxi say to the driver -

[baby talking in audience]

I dig baby talk. Ok, have I started yet? I have, ok, well then let's just keep going. Oh, so, so anyway, you go to Paris, France and....um. Well, let's go back to what I was talking about about uh Paris, France. I remember, don't worry. No. So did I say "A courtesy to speak English?" I said that, ok. Now. I went over there thinking, "Oh everyone's going to speak English, no problem; I don't speak a word of French. It's a universal language, so I'll just be able to speak English." So I get off the plane; I get into a taxi; the first indication I'm going to have trouble: I say to the driver, "I'd like to go to a hotel please."

"[indecipherable French]?"

"Whaat? What is that you're saying?" So, the first thing you do, this is really dumb, you think this will help, you adopt a French accent. "I would like to go to zee hotel." So that's nothing, so I went out and bought a little French phrase book hoping to memorize little phrases, you know; 'can I go to the bathroom,' things like that. But French is not like Spanish. Spanish you can sound it out. It's easy for Americans. Every vowel is a syllable. "Casa de Pepe. Donde esta casa de Pepe?" But French is like, "jouen de le droit." [choking noises]
"What happened; what happened?"
"He spoke French. Help him!"

So the only thing I could remember was cheese omelette. 'Omelette du fromage.'  I'm practicing all the time. Omlette du fromage. I'm meeting people, "Hey, omlette du fromage." Finally, I got into a restaurant and go, "Omelette du fromage." And the problem if you order in French the waiter thinks you speak French, he goes, "[unintelligible French]?" And you go, "Yes." He brings you a shoe with cheese on it. And you also told him to force it down your throat. "I'll have a shoe with cheese on it; force it down my throat; and I want to massage your grandmother, ok." I finally figured out the secret to ordering food: it's all sound effects. Went into a restaurant, wanted to order milk, eggs, and ham. I go in and I go, "[cow noise, chicken noise, pig noise]." The waiter looked and me and goes, "I beg your pardon?"

Ok, enough comedy jokes. Alright, um-

[audience member]
"What's your mood watch say?"

Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.